Original subtitles

Growing up, we all have our embarrassing secrets.

Mine was that I loved George Michael and

I wanted to dance exactly like him.

Yup, this was the kinda secret I didn't want to tell anyone...

Even my best friend, Emmy Mirsky,

and we told each other everything.

So, what's it gonna be, Muscles?

It's the biggest decision of my life. Just let me think.

What's to think about?

Brian McMann made it pretty darn clear.

Do you like him? Yes or no?

Can't I just write in a third box that says, "Maybe"?

You've been in love with him since

first grade. I'm checking, "Yes." No!

Okay. I'm gonna tell you the hugest secret on the planet,

but you have to swear on our friendship you won't ever tell anyone.

Okay. I swear on our friendship.

I kissed Rob Butchenhart behind the gym during the fire drill.

No way!

I've spun quite the web.

All right. I'm gonna tell you a secret.

But you gotta swear on our friendship,

under penalty of death, that you won't ever tell anyone.

Done. I pulled that fire alarm.

What? Why?

I sat in pudding at lunch.

I didn't want anyone to misinterpret the situation.

I got something to tell you,

but you have to swear on our friendship you won't get mad.

I swear.

I put that pudding cup on your chair.

Damn it! Now I can't get mad.

Stupid friendship swear.

You know what? I'm marking, "Yes." What... No!

You may wonder if we told all this

embarrassing stuff to each other,

why would I keep my awesome moves a secret?

This is why.

Snuggle monster!

I can't believe you broke your arm dancing.

It was either that or when Mom jumped on me.

I'm so psyched. This severe compound fracture

is my ticket to popularity.

Nerd's right. Everybody loves the kid in the cast.

Yeah, until everybody finds out how he broke it.

Why? What's wrong with a lonely boy in his room

videotaping himself

shaking his groove thing to George Michael?

Yeah, I hear it now.

Just come up with a good lie, something cool.

Got it! You were van-surfing like Stiles from Teen Wolf!

Idiot, we don't have a van.

No, wait, something about ninjas!

No, wait, sharks. Ninja sharks!

Just keep it simple.

Say you broke it skateboarding or something.

I'm telling you, ninja sharks.

Erica was right, keep it cool and simple.

And I knew just the thing.

That year, Robert Zemeckis, director of Back to the Future II

gave an interview where he admitted

that hoverboards were, in fact, real.

They've been around for years, it's just that...

Parents' groups have not let toy manufacturers make 'em.

But we got our hands on some.

Thanks to Mr. Zemeckis,

I had a cover story anyone would believe.

Hoverboard.

I was on a hoverboard!

Argh!

Ripped By mstoll

It was December 3, 1980-something,

and just like every night my mom was

working her fingers to the bone to make us dinner.

She whisked, balled, and breaded,

customizing each plate to our tastes.

Extra meat sauce.

No meat sauce.

Just meat sauce.

And for all the hard work,

this was the thanks she'd always get.

Jell-O again?

I hate this stuff. Barf.

Excuse me!

I have been slaving over a hot stove all day.

Do you know how many meals in a row I've cooked for you people?

53,000.

That can't be right.

- Thank your mother. - Thank you.

Oh. That's not why I do it.

It's exactly why she did it.

I mean, sure, my feet ache, and I've

done permanent damage to my arches

and probably ruined a very lucrative dance career,

but I think it's worth it.

My dad didn't normally get involved, but

when it came to food, he was full of ideas.

You know what, Bevy? I think you should take tomorrow off.

- What's that? - Yeah,

a new restaurant opened up around the corner.

It's called China Garden.

Chinese food? Never had it, so I don't like it.

Yup, the 80s was a simpler time,

when your small town only had four restaurants,

the bar and grill, the sandwich place, the other sandwich place,

and Bennigan's, which was also a sandwich place.

Come on, it looks good.

There's a happy dragon on the sign

patting his full tummy.

You know, Dave Kim's parents own that place.

Oh, maybe we can get some free french fries!

Hey, stupid. Its Chinese fries.

Well, I'm sold.

Let Dave Kim's mom deal with you

ungrateful animals for the night.

But there was one thing my mom didn't count on.

Chinese food is the greatest thing ever!

Holy balls!

They put pork inside of a pancake. Right inside!

I feel like I'm crying a little.

Flavor is literally exploding through

the crispy skin, right into my taste buds!

It's a little greasy for my palate.

Said my insanely jealous mom...

Everybody enjoying the food so far?

Mmm-hmm. - Oh, my God, yes.

We're gonna come tomorrow night and every other night

for the rest of our lives.

Dave Kim is a very lucky boy.

In that moment, Beverly Goldberg saw another mom get something

she'd never got before,

true appreciation.

Moo shu?

Oh!

Oh, that was my fault. Um...

Well, it's ruined now.

I guess that means we should go, huh?

Ah, don't sweat it. We'll get another one of those.

And I'll tell you what,

a refill on this delicious, exotic tea.

Mmm. That's duck sauce.

That is good.

While my mom was feeling overshadowed by pork dumplings,

I was the center of attention, thanks to my latest injury.

So, how'd you break your arm, klutz?

I fell off a hoverboard, no biggie.

Hey, I heard they're serving square pizza for lunch. Who's in?

Whoa. Wait. You were on a hoverboard?

As in a flying skateboard?

We all know what a hoverboard is, Dave Kim.

This putz. So, pizza!

Wait. Are you serious right now?

True story, I was walking through the mall,

and a scientist walked up to me,

a real Doc Brown type,

and he asked if I wanted to be in a select group of kids

to test hoverboard technology.

Yeah, I call bull crap. Tell us what really happened.

I was losing them.

I either had to expose myself as a dancing loser

or pull out the big guns.

They may not believe me, but you will.

I swear on our friendship.

It happened, people. He floated on air.

Wait. Now you believe him?

You can't lie on a friendship swear. It's the rules.

Are you kidding me? A hoverboard?

You were supposed to say something real, like skiing.

Well, that's just crazy. No one would believe that I can ski.

Okay, relax.

Every kid tells that one giant lie

that gets away from them.

It's not a big deal. Yes, it is!

If Emmy finds out I lied on our friendship, she'll hate me forever.

Want my advice, kiddo? Lie your ass off.

What? You're supposed to be my role model and moral compass.

We're talking about Muscles Mirsky, here.

She's a groovy dame and a hell of a best friend,

and we gotta do whatever it takes to save this friendship.

But how? I'm in too deep.

Lucky for you, I'm an expert liar

and I'll teach you because you're the coolest, smartest,

most capable brother a girl could ever have.

Really? No.

But now you see how good I am.

What is all this? This... Smells.

Look, you guys just loved that Chinese food so much I figured

why ever go back there when I can make it all right here.

I present to you... Beverly's Chinese Palace.

You sure you know what you're doin'?

Yeah, Chinese food seems kinda complicated.

Well, maybe for a less-experienced chef.

That ketchup? It's just a base.

You don't understand cooking.

Okay, all I have to do is put this block of frozen broccoli

into the boiling-hot grease, and...

Okay. Beverly's Chinese Palace is officially closed,

but I can still whip up some of my shrimp parm.

Who wants shrimp parm, huh? Shrimp parm?

Shrimp parm? Shrimp parm?

Shrimp parm! Shrimp parm!

Last call.

By the end of the week, we had been to China Garden five times,

and my mom had had enough.

Excuse me.

Hi. I don't know if you remember me. I'm Beverly Goldberg.

Yes, of course. You're the mom who I thought

worked at the school 'cause she's there so much.

I'm involved, yes. Uh, but today I have a teeny, tiny favor.

I need you to ban my family from eating here for life, okay?

But they're great customers.

We have a dish named after that one.

Big Tasty Pork. It's fried pork with regular pork on top.

He would love that, yes. Uh, look, let's talk mother-to-mother, here.

You have kids. You know that dinner is special family time.

I'm sorry, but it's not my fault

that your family likes my food better than yours.

Listen... I didn't come here lookin' for a war,

but I didn't come here to turn one down, either.

I'm not scared of you.

Oh, you will be. Watch your back, Dave Kim's mom.

At school, I had laid down a thick pile of bull crap,

and there was only one person with the skills to shovel me out.

Okay, time to learn America's greatest art form...

Lying. A liar is, if nothing else, a salesman.

You gotta sell your lie, and to do that, you gotta believe it.

Now, tell me a lie. I'm a fish.

Just do the hoverboard thing.

I... Rode a hoverboard.

Horrible! You have like ten tells!

No eye contact, you're fidgeting, and you smell like fear.

That might be the cast. It's gotten super-stinky. Smell.

No! Focus!

The number-one rule to lying is to never, ever back down.

Just keep lying until you come out the other side.

Other side, got it.

Now, look me in the eye and make me believe it.

I rode a hoverboard. Again.

I rode a hoverboard. Again!

I rode a hoverboard! Again!

I rode a hoverboard!

Okay.

Odd thing to say when we're talking about mitochondria,

but, uh, since you brought it up,

I feel obligated as your science teacher

to inform you all that hoverboards aren't real.

Well, that's your opinion.

No, that's the opinion of gravity.

It's a gray area. Couldn't be clearer.

Well, we can agree to disagree. No, we can't.

Hold up. Are you calling Adam a big, fat liar?

With all due respect to Mr. Goldberg...

100% yes.

Well, you're a 100% dook.

Principal's office, now!

Worth it!

As for the rest of you, science is based on empirical evidence,

so unless Mr. Goldberg here can provide some,

I will implore you all not to believe a word he says.

I have a video. You have a video?

You have a video? I said, "Principal's office!"

In your face! He's got a video!

If that's true, then everything I know about science would be wrong

and reality as we know it would shatter.

Dogs would fly. I would be dating Claudia Schiffer!

So... We cool?

Oh, yeah. We cool.

So cool that if you show that video in class,

I'll give everyone in here an A.

How was school, poopie?

Worst day ever.

Hey, can I curl up in a ball on the way back while you drive?

Aw, schmoo, what's wrong?

You can tell mama anything...

Oh, is that Dave Kim? Dave Kim!

Dave Kim! What are you doing?

Let's invite him over for dinner.

I don't wanna invite him over for dinner!

Just lay down in the way back and be sad, okay?

Dave Kim! Adam wants to

invite you over for dinner, Dave Kim! No, no, no, no, no.

Drive, drive, drive!

Dave Kim! Please be our guest at our home tonight!

- If you want to come over. - Drive! Drive! Drive!

Just get in the backseat now.

Drive! Drive! Dave Kim!

Well! If it isn't Dave Kim's mom.

Funny you should drop on by.

You called me to pick up my son.

Did I?

Well, yes, he's here, just going to town on my shrimp parm.

He loves my cooking.

Maybe even more than yours.

Mom, you got to try this.

It's both fishy and cheesy.

You can't put cheese on seafood!

It breaks every culinary law!

I'll put cheese on anything.

Anything...

You can't cheese anything.

I once cheesed a slice of watermelon.

That's disgusting.

Or is it delicious?

This is delicious.

Enjoy.

I told him to come back tomorrow night

with his sister. Jenny, is it?

Sweet girl.

She's gonna love my mac-'n'-cheese meatballs.

That's right.

I'll combine an entree and side into a super-dish.

I don't give a.

You don't wanna to take me on, lady.

This is one food war you can't win.

Oh, I'll win. Shrimps will be cheesed,

tummies will be stuffed, and your kids

will be begging to come here during special family dinner time.

So, what's it gonna be?

I'm sorry, gentlemen. We can't serve you here.

You're talking to those two, right?

I don't understand. Why are we on the wall,

like a bunch of criminals?

Yeah! I need my Big Tasty Pork! Please! It's my birthright!

Let's just say...

Some mothers love their family so much it's scary.

Beverly.

While my dad was heading back to deal with my mom,

I was heading back to the future!

Unfortunately, in my version, the future looked kind of crappy.

Yippee! Here I am,

testing out the world's first actual hover...

Ow, ow.

It's squishing my parts.

Cut. And I can see the rope. This looks shoddy.

You think?

You said to keep lying till I get to the other side.

When do I get to the other side?

Just shut up and hover! God.

Oh, yeah. There.

Ah! Just like that.

Yup. That actually looks not that crappy.

Damn it. Cut! Someone's in the shot.

I can't see! Spin me around!

Oh, spin me back!

Are you kidding me? Emmy, I can explain.

Here are your get-well cookies.

Come back!

Emmy! Wait!

I don't wanna talk to you.

Just let me explain. No.

I stood up for you.

I got an in-school suspension and grounded for a month.

But even worse, I told a bunch of people hoverboards are real!

Trust me, the truth is too embarrassing.

You would've lied, too. Not to you.

I'm sorry, okay?

But... It's me.

You can't hate your best friend.

That's the thing.

You're not just a friend.

You're like... My brother.

And if I can't count on you, then I have nobody.

And just like that, my best friend hovered out of my life.

Bev! You've got a lot of nerve!

We're grown men. You cannot control us.

Don't be silly. Of course I can.

Fine! You can!

But the one freedom we have is food,

and you can't take that away from us. I won't let you!

Let's discuss it over dinner.

Sit down. I made cheeseburger meatloaf.

Behold my mom's secret weapon.

It was cheese. It was meat. It was loaf.

And it was spectacular.

No! The woman's just trying to use your hunger to control you.

Just a little taste. No taste!

Can we at least munch some of the topping?

No! We're never eating her food again.

Well, China Garden's not an option, so where else you gonna go?

We'll go to Bamboo Palace downtown.

Come on, guys! Let's go!

You'd never drive into the city during rush hour.

Oh, I will for this.

Well, then I'll have you banned from there, too,

banned from Chinatown entirely.

Then we'll switch to Indian food.

Your stomach can't handle the spices.

Then we'll get sushi!

Raw fish? You don't even like raw carrots.

Then we'll get Thailand food!

That's right, food from wherever that is!

Why are you working so hard to take this away from me?

Take what away from you?

You're acting crazy! It's just dinner!

Not to me!

You all have your other things going on. Your work, your school,

your hypersexual lifestyle. Hey.

For me, this kitchen, these meals...

It's all I've got.

It's the only thing I still do that makes me feel needed.

So, yeah, maybe that makes me crazy,

but cooking for my family means everything to me.

Emmy had found out that I'd never rode a hoverboard,

and it was only a matter of time

before the rest of the class learned the truth.

There was no way out.

I have a way out.

It's too late.

I don't have time to come up with a whole new web of lies.

That's why I did it for you.

I got Lainey to steal this from her dad's sketchy law office.

"Nondisclosure agreement"?

Just say that the scientist from the mall made you sign it

and you legally can't show your hoverboard video.

Class has started, Mr. Goldberg.

We're all waiting for you to take us into the future.

Oh! Oh, I'm hovering!

So, I know everyone was excited to see

that video of me hover-boarding,

but I... Can't show it.

You know what? Instead, I'll show you this.

This is how I really broke my arm.

Oh, man! I wanted that easy A,

but this is so much better.

Well, sorry, pal. I was rootin' for you.

No, you weren't. That's right.

'Cause I always root for science.

Emmy! So, now you know the truth.

It changes nothing.

All you did was expose yourself as a Wham! Fan.

Technically, it's George Michael's solo effort,

but probably not your point.

Um, so, it's Friday night. See you at the treehouse?

Dude, what part of this don't you get?

No, I get it. But you said it yourself,

we're more than just friends. We're family.

And in my family, we fight, scream,

and make horrible mistakes that go way too far.

But an hour later, we're fine.

That's what it means to be a Goldberg,

and, like it or not, you're one of us.

If you're looking for food, I got your ban lifted at China Garden.

Enjoy your exotic new lives.

Bevy, we thought all about what you said,

and we're sorry.

How could you ever think this family doesn't need you?

I mean, look at us!

We're a mess.

We'd be living under a rock if it wasn't for you.

Well, you got a point there.

We appreciate what you do for us.

And Dad didn't even tell me to say that.

Thank you, honestly.

Now, what do you say we have some real dinner?

And with that, a new Goldberg tradition began,

our Friday night dinner at China Garden.

Big Tasty Pork on the house. We're glad you're back.

Hey, calm down. All right, good.

Hey, klutz.

So, you don't hate me?

After showing that tape,

you're gonna need all the friends you can get.

Just... Don't ever lie to me again.

I swear on our friendship.

So, how's the cast?

Oh, it's so itchy. It's drivin' me crazy.

I have skinny fingers. Let me see if I could help.

That's just ticklin' me.

That's the thing about family.

You fight, you yell, but in the end,

there's no one you'd rather share Chinese with.

Emmy, there are some people in your life right now that

you sort of have these kind of crushes on.

Now out of all these people,

is there anyone you particularly like the most?

Do I have to say this on film?

Well, I mean, it's not gonna...

No one's gonna see it or anything.

Uh, I don't... I'm not sure I can trust you with that.

Oh, you can trust me.

I'm tellin' ya, Notre Dame's gonna go all the way this year.

What, to some random bowl game?

There's never gonna be a true national champion

until we have a playoff system.

That's a good idea. They should do that.

I was kidding! They're never gonna do that!

What are you getting so excited?

Because you're aggravating me!

Stop aggravating him and come have dinner.

Erica! Turn off the music and get down here!

'Cause I gotta have...

I have faith. What are you doing here?

Your mom's making seafood pizza. I can't miss that.

I swear to God, you better not tell a soul about this.

Oh, no, no. This one's just for Dave Kim.

I'm serious. You tell no one.

Of course. I swear on our friendship.

What friendship? So, it's more than that?

Get out!

Ripped By mstoll