Original subtitles

'Stand by, two. Mix through and cue on two.'

'The BBC has announced the appointment

'of ex-head of Olympic Delivery Ian Fletcher

'as its new Head of Values.'

'Time now for the shipping forecast.'

'Superimposed.'

'It's Tuesday, another in a long line of Tuesdays

'at the BBC's New Broadcasting House headquarters in central London.'

~ Morning. ~ Yes, hi.

~ The man with the Values. ~ Hi, how are you, Simon?

Oh, bearing up. Bearing up.

~ Good. Actually, whilst I've got you, Simon... ~ Brilliant.

.. I see tomorrow's the closing date.

~ Sorry. Sorry, Ian. Can I just, is that a titanium one? ~ What?

No, this is just, you know, it's a normal one.

~ Yes, no, brilliant. ~ So, I was going to ask Tony...

Can I just, I mean, can I have a quick...

~ Well, I mean... ~ Would you mind? ~ Right.

~ Yes, I'm not sure the extra four hundred quid's worth it. ~ Right.

So, that's titanium?

Supposed to be. I'm not sure you can tell the difference.

~ I feel a bit of a mug. ~ Right. Yes.

~ So, anyway, whilst I've got you... ~ Yes.

'Tomorrow is the closing date for applications for the new

'and highly senior Director of Better post.'

I mean, I wasn't consulted about any of this originally.

No, I know, honestly...

~ .. and I still think it's a ludicrous title. ~ Yes, no, brilliant.

But since it seems to be happening -

~ this is something I'm going to mention to Tony... ~ Jolly good.

.. when it comes to the interview, it would be an appropriate thing -

actually a healthy thing - for Values to be represented.

~ Yes, no, brilliant. ~ As I say, this is something I'm flagging up now,

but it is something I'm going to be mentioning to Tony.

~ No, very good, Ian. Very brave. ~ Well, no, it's just... Brave?

'Despite his wisdom and experience

'as the BBC's Director of Strategic Governance,

'Simon Harwood is still not sure whether the laws of management

'allow the Head of Values to sit on the interviewing panel

'for a new Director level post.'

Maybe if someone had told me this to begin with

~ I might have applied for it myself. ~ Yes, no. Very good.

~ I'm serious. ~ Yes, no. I'd like to see Tony's face. ~ What?

Well, the idea of his own creation - Captain Values -

taking his hand off the controls to apply for another job -

he'd practically have a fit.

Oh, great. So, I'm too important to apply for the job

~ but I'm not important enough to sit on the panel. ~ Oh, no, no.

~ It's a unique position, Ian. ~ Yes. ~ Yes, no. Brilliant, brilliant.

~ Yes, brilliant. Yes. ~ Yes, no. It's all good.

~ Will! ~ Oh, yeah. Hi, yeah. ~ You're already in?

Yeah. I know, yeah. Mental, yeah.

'But Ian isn't the only one with professional issues on his mind.

'Following a spectacular coup

'involving the BBC's Wimbledon coverage

'and his sister's connection with tennis star Jo-Wilfried Tsonga,

'intern Will Humphries has been offered a so far temporary post

'as Assistant to the Head of Values.'

So today, you've got, like, a meeting with Alan...

Alan...

~ Yeah, no. Hang on... ~ Alan who?

~ Yeah, no. Crap, I think that's a spelling mistake. ~ Alan Yentob?

Yeah, Yentob, yeah.

~ Yen-tob. ~ Yes? ~ Yeah, at ten o'clock.

Ten o'clock?

'As part of his new role, Will has established himself

'at a desk in the same general area as fellow assistant

'and colleague Izzy Gould,

'as well as to a lesser extent, Jack Patterson.'

~ Yes, I think that might be yesterday. ~ Yeah, no. That's... Say again?

Are you sure you're looking at today?

~ Yeah. OK, no. ~ Well, anyway... ~ Yeah, that's what you did yesterday.

~ Yes, but that's always good to know. ~ Yeah. No worries, yeah, cool.

Yes, no. Brilliant. So, um, before we get started,

~ this morning's news from Tony-land... ~ Great.

.. I think there'll be an e-mail about this anyway -

~ but he's got this thing in his head... ~ Oh, right.

.. I mean, it was after he came back

~ from Kerala, really... ~ Oh, bloody hell.

'By nine o'clock,

'Ian is already taking part in the Damage Limitation Meeting

'because that is what he's doing today. But Simon has some good news

'to share before they get on to the damage to be limited.'

And this'll be because we've all got to be more bendy and flexible

~ from now on, is it, Simon? ~ Yes, no. Very good, Tracey. Very strong.

I'm quite happy with where my toes are.

I don't need to bloody touch them.

'As part of his vision for "a happier, healthier and better BBC,"

'Director General Lord Tony Hall

'has decided that lunchtime pilates classes

'will be provided free of charge for anyone who wants them.'

I mean, I assume this isn't actually compulsory, Simon?

~ Oh, no-no-nono. ~ No. ~ No. I mean, for what it's worth,

it's just something Tony's a bit obsessed with personally,

~ that's all. ~ Right. ~ Oh, OK.

~ No, it's for anyone who wants it. ~ Cool.

~ I think the idea is he might turn up himself occasionally. ~ Right.

~ The what, though? He himself? ~ Yes. I gather so, yes. ~ Right.

~ OK. ~ Groovy. ~ Alrighty. Jolly good.

~ Onwards. ~ Brilliant. ~ So, Neil...

Righty ho.

Where are we are up to with the whole Evan Davis thing?

~ Oh, right. OK. ~ Evan Davis? ~ Yes. ~ Yeah, basically, we're fucked.

~ Brilliant. ~ Yes, no. Very good.

'In the past 24 hours, rumours have started to appear on Twitter

'that the BBC's Newsnight anchor Evan Davis is to be a contestant

'on the forthcoming series of Strictly Come Dancing.'

Guys, can I just say, we are taking heavy incoming on this

~ in the Press Office this morning. ~ Yeah, I'm not surprised.

~ We love Strictly. ~ And I'm not being negative or anything,

but this is only going to get worse.

~ Such a cool show. ~ The fact is, this is important. ~ Yeah, I know it is.

~ Yes, no. Very good. ~ It's hard enough to keep the guy still as it is.

The last thing we need is to let him anywhere near sequins.

The fact remains, that Newsnight is actually a serious show.

This is an example of an area where the BBC needs to be "better."

~ Yes, no. Brilliant, Anna, brilliant. ~ Very good. ~ Yes, no. Very strong.

~ So, hang on, are we saying these rumours are true? ~ Sure.

~ Yeah, they are, yeah. ~ They are? ~ Yeah, no.

~ He's obsessed with the idea already. ~ No, I get it. I totally get it.

~ Cool guy, cool show. ~ But how did this... These are both BBC shows...

I have to say, it's not Evan's fault, OK.

~ It wasn't his idea. He's been signed up by some agency. ~ An agency? ~ Cool.

~ They seem to think this'd be good for Brand Evan. ~ Brand Evan? ~ Yeah.

Now, apparently, we have to go through them

~ whenever we want to talk about it. ~ Sure, no.

Totally good with that.

What kind of agency are we talking about here, Neil?

Oh, I don't know. Hang on, I've got a bloody e-mail about it somewhere.

Can I just say, not being funny or anything,

but I've got a feeling in my bottom about this

~ and not in a nice way. ~ OK, here we go...

~ Oh, right. OK. ~ What?

No, sure. OK.

~ No. ~ All right, here we go.

OK. So, here's the thing with this, guys.

This is like the best thing ever.

~ Hi, Lucy. ~ Hi. ~ How are you? ~ Yes, no, I'm fine thanks, yes.

~ Can I just ask, have you done something to your hair? ~ My hair?

~ Yeah, I don't know. ~ Not really. Why? ~ Have you not? I don't know it's...

~ What do you want? ~ No, nothing. Have you got a minute? ~ Now?

~ Just whilst you're drinking your coffee. ~ Uh...

Would you mind if we went somewhere private?

~ Somewhere private? ~ Yeah. ~ In here?

~ (I wanted to ask if...) ~ What?

~ (I wanted to ask if...) ~ Actually, this is ridiculous.

~ This is a radio studio. ~ I know.

~ It's soundproof. No-one can hear us in here. ~ No, I just wanted to ask if

I could put your name down as a referee?

~ Oh, right. You applying for a job? ~ Well... ~ You going to leave us?

~ No, no, not leaving. ~ Oh.

'Entertainment Format Executive David Wilkes has made a big decision

'about himself and, as a result, has a private favour

'to ask producer Lucy Freeman.'

~ So, at this stage I don't want, you know, everyone to... ~ Oh, God.

~ .. I don't want everyone... ~ You're not?

~ You know I trust you... ~ You are, aren't you?

You're applying for Director of bloody Better?

~ I know what you're thinking... ~ Well, no. Yes, I am actually. Yes.

~ .. I won't get it... ~ No. ~ I know.

But do you know what? Anyone can apply for it.

And the thing is, it's like, just by applying,

it puts you in that category straight away, doesn't it?

What, the category of people who haven't got it?

~ You should apply for it, Lucy. Why don't you apply? ~ Me? ~ Yes. ~ Well, I...

No, but seriously, I respect you, Lucy,

and I like to think we've worked together closely and well.

You... Right.

Apart from anything else, Siobhan,

~ the issue is conflict of interest for a start. ~ Nah-ah. It's not an issue.

I don't see how you can be responsible for Brand BBC

and Brand Evan Davis at the same time.

No, sure. I do everything at the same time. It's what I do.

~ Like, get over it. ~ Bollocks.

'Meanwhile, back in Damage Limitation,

'Siobhan is explaining exactly why BBC Two Newsnight anchor Evan Davis

'appearing on Strictly Come Dancing is such a cool idea.

'But, as Current Controller of News and Current Affairs,

'Neil Reid is not fully convinced.'

~ Have you got any idea what you're doing? ~ OK.

Here's the thing with this. Here's what it is.

What it is, is the audience for Strictly is, like, everybody.

~ OK? ~ Well... ~ No, it's not a question - it is.

And the audience for Newsnight is, like, nobody. Right?

~ That's a slight over-simplification. ~ No. Sure. I'm good with that.

So, like, Evan does Strictly. OK?

He's, like, one cool guy. Suddenly, I'm, like, "I love this guy."

Like, "You're telling me he's got his own show?"

~ It's not a fucking chat show. ~ OK, sure. Whatever...

~ Interesting though, Neil. ~ Yes. ~ Interesting way... ~ Yes.

~ Shall we come back to that? ~ Absolutely, yes.

Suddenly, it's like you just rhinocerised your audience

for Newsnight overnight.

We are sitting in the best known news organisation in the world, OK.

~ Hurrah(!) ~ Yay(!) ~ Sorry, Neil.

Newsnight is the current affairs show we're judged on

basically because we haven't got any other current affairs shows left

~ and believe... ~ Shame. ~ .. believe it or not,

people trust us. God knows why, but they do.

~ I mean, we get it wrong from time to time... ~ Brilliant. ~ Yes.

Yes, we do, Neil. Yes.

~ Of course we do. ~ Yes. ~ But we work bloody hard.

~ No, Neil. I think you... ~ Look, I just want to see what it sounds like, OK?

~ Right. ~ I never get to say this stuff. ~ No, of course. Yes. ~ Brilliant.

Go, Neil.

Can you imagine what will happen if the main anchor of that show

starts turning up on Saturday nights in spray-on trousers

and sparkly hair, clamped to some half naked orange-faced girl?

~ Yes, thank you. I can, Neil. ~ No, not you, Tracey. ~ No, I know.

But I'm just saying I can imagine it.

~ Right, yes. ~ And on another of our own channels.

No. I mean, I have to say, with my Way Ahead hat on,

with Charter Renewal and everything - this is, I mean,

~ this really is not going to look great. Is it? ~ Exactly, no. ~ Brilliant.

~ The fact is, this needs to not happen. ~ No.

It's an interesting one, isn't it?

~ And it needs to not happen now. ~ I mean, I may have got this wrong,

~ but as the guy with the Way Ahead hat... ~ Right.

.. and the Values hat - you've got so many hats, I don't know where...

~ Yes, all right. ~ Are you saying this is something you want

to be across personally in an ideal world?

I mean, I certainly... I mean, as I say, this is a really...

~ Brilliant. ~ Brilliant.

~ I mean, this is a core issue for all of us, I think. ~ No, brilliant, Ian.

~ Brilliant. ~ Yep. ~ OK. Alrighty.

~ Fabulous. ~ Yes. ~ Right. ~ Righty ho.

Crap.

'Meanwhile, at his new desk

'in the general area of new colleague Izzy Gould,

'Will Humphreys is between sessions

'on his Syncopatico induction course.'

Crap.

Whoa.

~ Jesus. What?! ~ What?

~ No-no-no-no-no-no. ~ What's wrong?

'The theory is that by the end of the course,

'he'll be automatically synced to everyone

'and everything around him whether they realise it or not.'

~ That's me! ~ Yeah. Say again? ~ That's my stuff you've got there.

~ Whoa. ~ I was working on that. What have you done? ~ That's amazing.

It's like it just does it.

~ Like, we were doing SyncopatiPair... ~ SyncopatiPair? ~ Yeah. ~ Oh, right.

~ .. the same thing happened with this girl. ~ You have to undo this.

~ The guy said he's never seen that before. ~ You have to undo it now.

~ Yeah, good luck. ~ Yeah.

~ Cos, like, I don't know what I did. ~ Right. OK. Give me that.

~ Is it always girls? ~ What? Yeah, I don't know.

Cos, you got to say, that's pretty impressive.

OK - System Preferences - you're going to need your password.

~ Yeah. ~ Want to put it in?

Yeah. OK.

Yeah. Crap.

You're not having much luck, are you?

~ Yeah. It's not working. Like, at least we know that. ~ OK.

~ What is it? ~ Yeah. ~ You can't just have his password.

~ I don't care, he can choose a new one. What is it, Will? ~ Yeah.

~ Yeah, so... ~ Will?

~ I. ~ I.

~ Yeah, Z. ~ Z.

Z.

Z.

Y.

Y. Right.

Yeah.

Then, G.

G. Yep.

~ O. ~ O-U-L-D. ~ Yeah.

O-U-L-D. Yeah.

~ Oh, then 4. ~ 4?

Yeah, I don't know. That's just, like, a number.

~ Yeah, crap. ~ Right.

~ You can try my name, if you like? ~ Yeah. ~ Shall I spell it for you?

~ Yeah, no. Say again? ~ Shut up.

In fact, I sometimes say to my beginners

that pilates is about three things -

Breathing, Engaging Your Core, and Posture.

~ Or, as we call them, the Pelvic Three. ~ Brilliant.

'Meanwhile, it's Friday. And there's an impressive turnout

'for the first ever free lunchtime BBC pilates session.

'Even though Director General Lord Tony Hall himself

'hasn't so far arrived yet.'

~ Now, especially if you're just starting... ~ No. The fact is...

~ So, we're not actually talking. ~ The fact is, I... ~ We're not talking,

we're just listening at this point.

So, in pilates, we breathe in through the nose...

.. two, three, four.

And then we're exhaling though the mouth...

.. two, three, four.

Inhaling through... Yes. So, we're doing it now. Yes?

Inhaling through the nose - two, three, four -

and then when we exhale,

we're going to suck the belly button right into the spine

Two, three, four.

~ Can I ask a question? ~ Of course. Yeah.

When we're breathing, should we be two, three, fouring like you?

~ Well... ~ No. ~ Cos, I'm not being funny or anything,

~ but what with inhaling and exhaling and sucking and what have you... ~ No.

~ You don't have to do that. The fact is... ~ OK. And stop breathing.

~ Sorry, Anna. Sorry, guys. ~ Er, we are actually...

No, that's OK, Jack. Come in.

~ No, it's just, I finally got hold of Alice in Tony's office. ~ Yes.

~ Just so you now, he's not actually in this morning. ~ Right. ~ OK.

~ Apparently, he and Simon went to... ~ Yes, OK.

~ Yes, so I just... ~ Yes. OK, good. ~ Sure.

Right. OK, if we're done?

So, what we're going to do - we're going to take what we've learned

about our breathing and we're going to...

Yeah. So, I'm going to go, I'm afraid.

~ Right. ~ Sorry. ~ No. Well, that's...

The fact is, I've run out of time.

~ Er, good luck with the breathing. Obviously. ~ Sure.

~ Perhaps another time. ~ Well, yes. Let's hope so, perhaps. ~ Yes.

OK. So, what we're going to do now,

we're going to take what we've learned from our breathing

and we're going get familiar with our pelvic girdle.

~ Oh, right. OK. ~ Oh, my God.

~ Actually, do you know what, just while we've stopped... ~ OK, sure.

~ I think I'm going to have to go, as well. ~ Brilliant.

~ Right. ~ Yes, no. Very good.

~ Sorry. I mean, if that's going to be all right? ~ No, yes. I mean...

Really sorry. It's just, um, some stuff I...

promised I'd look at for this afternoon.

~ Well, again, maybe next time. ~ No, sure. Absolutely.

Really enjoyed it, by the way.

~ Yep. ~ Good. ~ Brilliant. ~ Thank you so much. Yeah, no. Really, really great.

Have fun, everybody.

Righty ho.

OK. Well...

~ Have to say, it is unusual to lose so many this early. ~ Yes.

But the fewer the number the greater the glory.

Can I just say, just so you know, I'm not going anywhere.

~ Sure. ~ Cos, I'm not being funny or anything, I don't know about you,

but if you get a chance to get familiar with your pelvic girdle

~ for free, I'm going to take it. ~ Oh, no. Tell me about it.

~ Hi. ~ Oh, hi. Lucy, yes. How are you? ~ Yes, fine. Yes.

~ Great. ~ Actually, I've been... ~ That's really great.

~ I was going to e-mail you. ~ Yes, so was I. ~ No, great.

I was going to ask if you'd be able to scribble something down

~ on paper for me. ~ Scribble something down? ~ Or in an e-mail.

~ Just a record of where we're up to with Home Truth. ~ Oh, OK.

~ Yep. ~ Right, OK.

'At the moment, Generic Head of Comedy and/or Drama Matt Taverner

'is a particularly busy man.

'And among the many projects that are currently uppermost in his mind

'is his interview for the new Director of Better post

'at the end of the week.'

When would you need this thing by?

Sure. It'd be really good to get something in the next few days.

~ Right. ~ Tomorrow would be great.

Cos I still haven't managed to get hold of Dan since the meeting.

~ No, sure. ~ He's not returning e-mails or picking up messages. ~ Sure.

~ I'm a bit worried, I'm not sure what's happened to him. ~ No, sure.

That's really great, Lucy.

~ What do you think about Neighbourhood? ~ Neighbourhood? ~ Yeah.

~ Sorry? ~ As a title, I mean. ~ A title?

~ Yeah, I dunno. I've just got this feeling. ~ But after the meeting...

Matt, Home Truth was about the only thing left.

~ Yeah, no. Sure, absolutely. Yeah. ~ Right.

Thanks, Lucy. That'd be really great.

If Evan Davis does Strictly Come Dancing,

~ he's crossed the fucking Rubicon, OK? ~ Excuse me?

~ He's never doing Newsnight again. ~ OK. So that's, like, discrimination.

~ OK? ~ What? ~ Well, hang on... ~ So that's illegal right off of the bat.

'It's another morning and Ian has asked Neil, Tracey and Siobhan

'to come in early for a breakfast meeting.

'Overnight, the contestants for the next series of Strictly Come Dancing

'have been officially and irrevocably announced.'

OK, OK. Here's the deal here. OK?

Evan is like a living, breathing... I mean, he's like a person. OK?

He's always wanted to dance. He's, like, obsessed with Kylie.

Like, he can do Can't Get You Out Of My Head with all the moves. OK.

This is, like, his moment, OK?

This is where shit happens for him, this is going to change his life.

~ Right. ~ Blimey. ~ Bollocks.

~ OK. He doesn't do Strictly, he's not doing Newslight. OK. ~ News-NIGHT.

Sure. Whatever. Period.

~ That's the deal here, guys. ~ Fine. OK.

~ Evan's actually said that to you? ~ Sure.

~ No, I'm sorry, Siobhan. I don't... ~ I'm saying it to you now. OK?

~ Get over it. ~ Fine, great. Deal. ~ Right. ~ Cool.

~ Great. ~ Sure. ~ Fine. ~ Right, OK. Good.

Do you know what? Maybe they're not a Scottish family.

Maybe they're, like, an Indian family, OK.

What is it, those Indian things?

It's like you sit on them and hit them at the same time?

'For a while now, David Wilkes has been working on the format

'of Family Face Off. A theoretical idea for a new BBC One show.

'But, drawing on past experience, Head of Output Anna Rampton

'has induced producer Lucy Freeman to work alongside him

'in order to help him make it less theoretical.

~ And the other one can do twerking... ~ Yeah, all right.

And the great thing about this format, Anna...

'There are some details still to be finalised, but luckily Anna

'has the ability to see past detail to the potential benefits

'of a show that's mainstream, warm, inclusive and hers.'

The fact is, people don't think in formats. They think in faces.

~ I know, exactly. Yes. ~ Right.

If this thing's going to work, we need contemporary faces

~ attached from the start. ~ Right.

~ Contemporary faces? ~ Yes. Exactly, yes. ~ Yes. ~ Yes. ~ Right.

So, a thought I had, guys - and stay with me on this -

Idris Elba.

~ Right. ~ Idris Elba? ~ I know.

~ But he's not actually a presenter, is he? ~ No, he isn't. No.

~ I know, but he's just such a beautiful man. ~ Right. ~ OK.

And the thing is sometimes you've got to make things happen

instead of hoping they'll happen.

~ The fact is, no-one's hoping that'll happen. ~ No.

~ Least of all Idris. ~ Right, no. OK.

Do you know what? Can I just say, it's difficult this, isn't it?

But, hang on, sorry.

Cos I'm just catching up here.

~ This is absolutely your thing, David. ~ Oh, I know.

~ But what is it... what is it you're wanting to do here? ~ To do? ~ Yes.

No, sorry. You've lost me already there, Lucy.

If you really want this to be an inclusive thing...

~ Yes. Exactly, yes. ~ .. if that's what this is about...

~ The fact is, this is about being better. ~ Absolutely.

~ And inclusive, obviously. ~ Yes. ~ OK, so there are lots of ways...

~ Ainsley Harriott. ~ No. ~ No, OK. Sorry, Lucy.

No, I was just, there are lots of ways of... I mean, I don't know,

if you've got some kid can play, like, the saxophone,

get Courtney Pine in as a mentor or judge or...

~ Yes! ~ Yes. ~ .. or, get Madhur Jaffrey

~ if you've got some dad cooking curry, or... ~ Genius.

~ Yes, exactly. ~ You know, or get what's his name

if you've got a kid who can do cartwheels and whatever.

~ Gymnast, did Strictly... ~ Ooh-ooh - Louis Smith! ~ Louis Smith, yes. ~ Yes.

~ Ooh, lovely Louis. Stop it, Lucy. ~ Yes. OK, good.

And, I don't know, Family Face Off - if you really want inclusive,

~ call it One Big Family or something instead. ~ One Big Family?

Can I just say, I can feel the wand of history passing over us.

But, like I say, this isn't my area. I don't know how these things work.

So, in this scenario, Ian,

Evan would be like an undercover reporter on Strictly, would he?

~ Well... ~ Cool. ~ Undercover?

~ Yes. ~ He's Evan fucking Davis. ~ He so is.

'Back in Frankie Howerd, they may be in the Last Chance Saloon

'with Evan Davis-gate, but Ian has come up with an idea

'that could just be the best option available to them,

'given that they haven't got any other options.'

I suppose the question is,

is there an angle on Strictly that a programme like Newsnight

~ might just be doing a report on? ~ This is a joke, right? ~ Well...

~ Evan Davis embedded in Elstree? ~ Well, OK. If you like.

All I'm asking, I mean, would that help us at all?

~ Right. ~ No. Bollocks, Ian. ~ Sure, I'm totally good with that.

'But if the idea is to work, the challenge is to find an angle

'on Strictly Come Dancing that's serious enough

'to be worthy of Newsnight.'

~ When you say an angle, Ian... ~ I mean, is there... ~ OK. OK. Shoes.

~ Well, no. ~ Shoes? ~ Sure. Like, how everyone loves heels.

~ I've seen stuff on that. That's a cool idea. ~ Yes.

I'm not sure that's Newsnight territory, is it Neil?

~ You expect me to answer that? ~ Right. OK, no.

~ OK. OK. Gay stuff. ~ Gay stuff? ~ What?

~ Like, why we're all gay these days. I mean, that's a no-brainer. ~ Right.

I think's that's perhaps a bit...

Can I just say, I'm finding it difficult to think here.

I mean, is there something that feels a bit more heavyweight than shoes?

~ OK. Heavyweight? ~ Yes. ~ OK. Right.

~ Fat people. ~ No. Not fat people, Siobhan.

That's really not, that's not very...

~ It's not very good. ~ Well, I mean, that's, it's... Although... ~ What?

~ I mean, I suppose... I mean, body image is something... ~ Sure.

~ Body image? ~ Oh, right. ~ You know, the whole body stereotyping issue.

Sure exactly. Fat people. Like I said. It's perfect.

It is an area that, it's sort of in the air at the moment.

~ It's... ~ Yes? ~ It really is...

~ Could you stop doing that, please, Siobhan? ~ Sure. ~ Yes.

Just a bit difficult...

~ Sure. I'm good with that. ~ Yeah, shut up. ~ No, yes. It's just one of...

Like, I had to finish. Right?

No, I don't know, it just feels like

~ it might be something in this general area. ~ Sure, totally.

Cos, I'm not being funny or anything,

but when you actually think of it - when was the last time

~ anyone fat or old ever actually won Strictly Come Dancing? ~ Nah-ah.

~ Well, yes. ~ No. That's, like, eww. Not going to happen.

Also, as a woman, I am going to say this,

personally I have had enough

~ of being compared to Abbey Clancy all the time. ~ Well, yes. That's...

~ We love Abbey. ~ That must be...

~ I'm sure it's the same for men. ~ Well, it... Yes.

No. I think I would believe that gender stereotyping

~ is an area Newsnight might get itself involved with. ~ Sure, totally.

~ I got to say, I agree, Ian. ~ I mean, Neil?

~ Yeah, I'm always being compared to Abbey Clancy. ~ Right.

~ It's a bloody nightmare. ~ Right. OK.

~ We should just tell him. ~ No.

We're all grown ups - well, you and I are anyway.

I'm not asking him to move - I'm not going to do that.

That's all right. I'll do it for you.

'Elsewhere in the building, Izzy and Jack have taken some time out

'to discuss professional issues of their own.'

It's a nightmare.

You never know what he's going to pair himself with next.

~ Cos Will's a nice guy... ~ Yeah, no. He's lovely.

He's just useless, that's all. He shouldn't actually be an assistant.

~ It's not great for us, is it? ~ What?

~ To be on the same... ~ God, that's so typical. ~ What?

Will tries really hard at everything he does.

And that just makes the fact he's useless even worse.

It's not like it's going to be an issue for me.

What do you mean, it's not going to be an issue for you?

~ No, nothing. ~ Wait a minute. ~ Nothing. ~ No, tell me. I'm going to find out.

~ Just tell me. ~ All I'm saying is, it's you I'm thinking about.

~ Bloody hell. It's Anna. ~ What? ~ She's going to get the job. ~ Is she?

~ What's she offered you? ~ This is all you.

It's development, isn't it? Or Research?

~ I haven't said anything. ~ Great. So that just leaves me and bloody Will.

~ I thought he was a nice guy. ~ What?

See? I told you. It's you I'm thinking about.

'Monday. Some more things have happened

'and it's the start of a new and different week at the BBC.

'Anna Rampton is arriving at New Broadcasting House this morning

'with even more of an awareness than usual

'f being a woman walking towards her destiny.

'But, meanwhile, inside in the Syncopatic Cafe,

'writer Dan Shepherd has come down to London from Wetherby

'and has asked if he can come in and talk to Lucy Freeman

'bout the future.'

~ I don't know anything about Walthamstow. ~ No, no.

~ I don't even know how you get there. ~ Well, like I said on the phone,

~ it's not about the script really, Dan. ~ I suppose you just get a bus.

'Since Generic Head of Comedy and/or Drama Matt Taverner's idea

'of setting Dan's small town love story either Home Truth

'or Neighbourhood in Walthamstow instead of Scarborough,

'he's had time to think about that.'

Depending on how you feel about it

I think we might be able to make this work in our favour

~ if we're really careful about it. ~ Yeah. ~ Dan? ~ Yeah, no. It's fine.

~ I think I might have had enough though, really. ~ No, no.

If that's OK with you?

~ Obviously, I don't want to... ~ No, you mustn't. You can't just give up.

~ Actually, I should probably get off, really. ~ No, no.

~ Don't want to miss my train. ~ No, if you give up then...

~ I mean - you can't. ~ I'm looking after my landlady's cat.

Yes, but you mustn't let it defeat you, Dan.

No, it's OK. It's just it's old.

It keeps forgetting where it is and then it panics.

'It's nearly ten o'clock,

'and Ian is on his way back from somewhere for a meeting.'

~ Hi. ~ Yes. Hi, yes. ~ I didn't have you down as a smoker.

~ No, I'm not. ~ Right. ~ Yes, they're horrid. Yes.

~ You OK? ~ Yes, no. I'm fine, thanks, yes. No, yes. I'm just out here.

Right.

Yes. First of all, we should probably say,

"All hail Her Royal Highness Princess Anna of Better."

~ Right, yes. ~ Yay! ~ Brilliant! ~ OK.

~ All hail. ~ Yeah, great.

'Meanwhile, inside Tommy Cooper,

'momentous and much anticipated events are unfolding.'

~ I'm sorry, Simon. Can I ask something? ~ Yes, of course, Tracey.

~ Of course you can. ~ I've got to say, as something of a woman myself,

~ it's great that Anna has got this job, obviously. ~ Yes. ~ Sure.

~ Brilliant. ~ Brilliant. ~ Go, Anna! ~ But, I'm sorry, I am going to say this -

Director of Better what?

~ Ah, yes. ~ No, very good.

'With Anna Rampton now officially confirmed

'as the BBC's first ever Director of Better,

'this is a potentially defining moment for everyone else.'

Yes, no. Brilliant, Tracey.

Anna, I don't know if you want to say a few words at this point?

~ No. ~ No? OK. ~ Not at this stage, no.

~ Brilliant. ~ The fact is, there'll be an e-mail

~ introducing myself globally. ~ Cool. ~ Of course. Brilliant. ~ Right.

~ No, I'm totally good with that. ~ Alrighty. So... moving on...

~ No. Hang on a minute... ~ Neil, yes. Of course.

~ What's the bloody answer? ~ Brilliant.

~ I mean, it's got to mean something, hasn't it? ~ Exactly, yes.

~ Thank you, Neil. Yes. ~ Er, no. Brilliant, Neil.

No, listen. For what it's worth, I guess, in Tony's head,

I mean, listen, what can any of us know about Tony's head?

But I think basically it's about, you know,

it's about interrogating everything we currently do

and asking the question, you know... Asking the, you know, the... yes.

~ Is this as good as it could be? ~ Is this as good as it could be?

And, I guess, from now on,

~ if it doesn't get past the Director of Better, we don't do it. ~ No.

~ Right. ~ So, it is a really big job, then?

~ Oh, yes. No, absolutely, yes. ~ Yes. ~ No, sure.

~ I got to say, that is exactly what I thought. ~ Righty ho.

~ Bloody great. ~ Goody-good.

I don't want to work on Family bloody Fuck Up,

~ or whatever it's going to be called. ~ Right.

That's not what I thought I'd end up doing.

~ What did you think you'd end up doing? ~ I don't know.

'Back outside, meanwhile, as Head of Values,

'Ian has made an executive decision

'to be late for a meeting for once,

'to offer Lucy some carrot cake

'and listen to her talk about her own job instead.'

I don't have to do this.

~ I could get a job behind a bar or something. ~ Well, yes...

~ You know, or work in a garden centre. ~ Yes, no.

Garden centre's good.

I'd be really good at that, too. No responsibilities.

~ I've always wanted to do that. ~ No.

Cos the thing with that is, in summer you're outside

~ and if it's raining or in winter, you can drink tea all day long. ~ Yes.

~ So, either way, you can't really lose. ~ Exactly. Yes, no.

~ Thanks. That was really kind of you. ~ Well, no. ~ It was great.

~ Yes, no. It looks nice. ~ Really good carrot cake. ~ Yes.

~ Also, thanks for, you know, for listening. ~ Well, no.

Helping me reason it out.

~ It's kind of scary and exciting all at the same time. ~ What is?

It's one of those things, you think,

~ "Why didn't I do it ages ago?" ~ No, wait. Lucy...

~ Why has it taken me this long? ~ No, no, no, no. ~ What?

No, Lucy, you can't do this. You can't just...

~ I mean, you're the sort of person the BBC depends on. ~ Yes, I know.

That's why I want to leave.

'The BBC is facing mounting criticism tonight

'after it announced that Evan Davis is to appear as a contestant

'in the next series of Strictly Come Dancing.'

And she's, like, there's going to be this new job.

~ Do we really have to do this? ~ Yeah, welcome to my world.

~ Basically, they'd like it to be you. ~ You mean, you?

~ Me. Yes, I know. Yes! ~ Right. ~ Yes, I know. Me!

Ian Fletcher, this is a bit of an own goal for you, isn't it?

The fact is, this would be some kind of event, would it?

Another example of both you and the BBC being frankly a bit useless.

Yes, hello.

~ Anna has locked herself in the toilet. ~ In the toilet?

Just say something, you stupid bitch.

~ The fact is, I can't do this. ~ You are so going to kill here, girl.

Thanks, Ian. That was great.

No, I don't want this. I don't want it. I don't want it.