Original subtitles

Standby, two. Mix through. Cue on two.

The BBC has announced the appointment

of ex-Head of Olympic Deliveries Ian Fletcher as its new Head of Values.

Time now for the Shipping Forecast.

I mean, obviously, a royal visit at any time would be a big thing for us,

but coming now...

It's Monday at the BBC's Central London Headquarters,

New Broadcasting House in Central London,

and Head of Values, Ian Fletcher,

is chairing an important meeting of the Way Ahead Task Force.

Anyway, the point is the relationship between the BBC and the royal family

is a very delicate and important issue in all kinds of ways.

But in the context of charter renewal in 2016,

and, let's face it,

this is a royal charter we're talking about renewing here...

Yay(!).. suddenly an occasion like this starts to look like

a really significant opportunity for us to, you know, to...

Yeah, basically, it's a huge opportunity to not fuck it up.

Well, I mean... Yes. Yes. Cool!

Yes, no, brilliant. Brilliant.

In his role as patron and future heir to the environment,

Prince Charles is due to visit New Broadcasting House

to present an award for the BBC as the world's zero-energy broadcaster.

Can I just say, Ian, that we have been in regular contact

with the comms people at Clarence House?

Right, well, this is good, cos it's important

to get the fine detail of this thing right, right from the start.

Apparently, the key thing is, whatever you do,

you absolutely must not touch him. No, sure.

Yes. Unless he touches you first. The fact is that's true.

No, sure, I'm totally good with that. Right, good.

Also we have to lock down a special toilet

for three days in advance before he actually arrives.

Right... Christ. I was thinking more...

I mean, that's very fine detail. Yes, it is, exactly, Ian.

Also, something else that came up, he doesn't do sweetcorn at all.

Right. No. Cool. Brilliant.

Meanwhile, downstairs, intern Will Humphries is arriving as usual -

keen to get into the building and begin some sort of day.

Yeah, hi. Hi, can I help? Yeah, it's, like, my pass doesn't work?

OK. Yeah, I don't know, it's, like, it's not working. OK, let me try.

OK... Yeah, cos I've got, like, a coffee for Ian Fletcher?

OK, you will have to sign in. No, but I work here? You work here.

I'm, kind of, like an intern.

OK, but, I mean, your pass doesn't work, so you will have to sign in.

Hi, Will. Oh, yeah, hi, Izzy. Yeah, hi.

How are you? Yeah, I'm good. Yeah, I'm good. I'm good.

Good. Yeah, so, like, I'm in reception,

but, like, my pass isn't working?

Oh, OK. Like, I'm supposed to sign in,

but it's like I have to be visiting someone? Right, yes.

Yeah, so, like, would it be OK if I visited you?

Yeah, sure, OK. OK, cool.

Cos I've got, like, a coffee for Ian Fletcher?

I think I have to come down and get you, though.

What? Yeah, I know, yeah, crap. OK, stay there and I'll come down in a minute.

OK, cool, yeah, I'll stay here. OK.

OK, cool.

I mean, I am quite busy at the moment, David. Oh, I know...

I have got quite a lot on. I know, tell me about it.

Meanwhile, after a more than usually complicated start to the day

with her daughter at home, senior producer Lucy Freeman has arrived,

with just enough time to snatch a quick breakfast on her own,

but, nevertheless, entertainment format executive David Wilkes

is keen to ask her advice about an idea he's been asked to have.

I mean, what was the remit she gave you? Remit? Yes.

No, sorry, you've lost me already there, Lucy.

Following a mixed reception for Britain's Top Village,

with Gary Lineker and Holly Willoughby last year,

he's been invited to come up with something even better than that

by Head of Output Anna Rampton.

I don't know what it is! Whether she's like done to her hair, do you know what I mean? Mmm...

I can't quite put my finger on it. So, what ideas have you got so far?

OK, so the direction I'm going in, like the way my mind is working,

I was thinking maybe something like Uptown Downtown. What?

I'm still working on the title, obviously. Yes.

So, basically, celebrities have like a town, OK?

So, maybe Myleene Klass was born in...

Well, I don't know, she must come from somewhere. Yes.

And they compete against each other. You have, like, judges,

like Kirstie Allsopp, to convince you that theirs is the best town in Britain. Right, OK.

So, almost exactly like Britain's Top Village then.

OK, so, with Town it's, like, what you've done is you've taken Village, OK? And what you've done is

you've gone up a gear straightaway. Right. Any others?

Oh, what? Any other ideas? Just in case that one doesn't fly, yes.

Look at you, you're so healthy, Lucy. Do you know what?

Excuse me. I'm putting this back.

I'm going for fruit salad instead.

Do you know what? I'm going to have both. Sorry, you can have both.

Honestly, what am I like?

And then finally the other thing I just wanted to touch on this morning

is this issue around Wimbledon that's come up. Ah, OK.

Yeah, bollocks. Brilliant. Brilliant.

Meanwhile, back up in Frankie Howerd,

Ian is literally setting the agenda in the Way Ahead Meeting.

Can I just say I was actually going to raise this in Damage Limitation, Ian.

Right. It doesn't matter what meeting it is,

it's the BBC, it's damage limitation, OK?

Well, I mean... Just saves time.

In the past few weeks, there have been rumours that the BBC

could be in danger of losing its exclusive contract to broadcast

the Wimbledon Tennis Championships to a rival broadcaster,

in this case, S... BLEEP

The fact is I've made my views clear on this.

Cannot happen, OK? Well, exactly. Absolutely cannot happen.

I mean, for Christ's sake. I'm sorry, but here we go, we're panicking already.

This is just a bit of... I mean, I don't know where this story came from for a start.

Well, I can't speak for anyone else, Neil, but I got it from BBC News.

Yeah, OK. Yes, me, too, Neil, yes. Yes. Right. Fuck.

The BBC has broadcast Wimbledon in one form or another

unremittingly for over 90 years.

If it was to lose it now,

it would be a major blow to its very BBCness.

Worse still, the ensuing debate has thrown up suggestions

in some quarters that its coverage of the Championships

is, in certain respects, too white.

Guys, I don't want to be dramatic about this,

and, I mean, we all love Sue Barker,

but I got to say we are looking at a situation here

~ and not in a good way. ~ Brilliant.

~ I mean... ~ Brilliant. ~ Too white? ~ Bummer.

I don't think it's about Sue Barker specifically.

Apart from anything else, it's factually inaccurate. Right, well...

The fact is Sue Barker was originally blonde.

Right, yes... As I say, I don't...

Yes, Will, come in.

No, come in, come in. Come in!

Thanks, Will, that's great. Yeah, hi, sorry.

No, that's great, thanks. We missed each other earlier.

Yeah, I know, it's like my pass isn't working?

Oh, bad luck. Yeah, crap.

Right, well... Yeah, so, like, Izzy came down to get me.

Oh, right, did she? Yeah.

Oh, well, that's nice. Yeah.

OK. Well, thanks, anyway, Will. Yeah, no worries, yeah, cool.

Right. Good.

Yes, no, I mean, I think we're in danger of being drawn into detail

too early again here.

I mean, Wimbledon is obviously a cornerstone of the...

OK, OK, OK, erm, here's the thing with this - erm, it's a no-brainer.

What it is is... OK, so, now we've got two things, OK?

Got like Wimbledon, which is like tennis, OK?

And we've got BBC, which is like, erm, I don't know...

Sue Parker, OK? Sue Barker.

Sure, and what you want is... Erm, you want one thing...

One thing? Sure. So, what you're looking at here is a brand mashup.

Right... Oh, right. Here we go. A "brand mashup"?

Sure. You want to say more about how that could work?

Well, erm... No, sure. Really?

Erm, so it's, like, I don't know...

It's like OK, OK, OK...

OK. So, it's like I say the word "peanut", OK? What are you thinking?

Peanut? No, I said that. That's the word I just said.

Yes, no, I... What are you thinking? Erm..

OK, I'll say it again, OK? But don't think - just say stuff.

Peanut.

Monkey. Yes, very good.

Butter. "Butter"?

Peanut butter, OK? Brilliant. Duh.

Well, I'm sorry, Siobhan, but I think of monkey.

OK, there's no such thing as peanut monkey, OK? What?

I mean, that's like... I don't even know where to start.

So, like peanut and butter - two things.

Peanut butter - one thing. Yes... Yes, no, very strong.

BBC and Wimbledon - two things.

BB-sWimbledon - one thing.

Yes, no, I think we've got that. No, sure, it's, like, what's not to get?

And this is an area where you could have some ideas? Well, hang on...

Where we could have ideas? Yes. Like there are areas we don't?

Right... OK, good. Shall we just have a think

about exactly how we want to play this? The fact is this is important.

Yes. I've already made that clear. Yes, no, brilliant.

But, Siobhan, I don't want to spoil this party we're all having now,

but you can actually have other kinds of butter. Excuse me?

I don't believe this.

You can have, like, brandy butter or just ordinary butter.

It doesn't have to be peanut.

There's no such thing as monkey butter, OK? What?

Brilliant. Get over it. Brilliant. Very strong.

Cos, sometimes... I mean, it's her hair, obviously,

but sometimes, she has it done really straight,

and, to be honest, I don't think does her any favours. Mmm...

Do you know what I mean, though?

Meanwhile, down in the Syncopaticafe,

it's becoming increasingly clear to Lucy

that she's having breakfast with David.

So, why the sudden urgency from Anna, all of a sudden, anyway? Mm, I know.

Do you know what, Lucy? I think it's to do with this new job.

What new job? Oh, OK.

Well, apparently, no-one's supposed to know anything yet,

but they're creating this new like Director of Better or...

"Director of Better"? Apparently, yeah. Better what?

I mean, basically, I think what it is is...

Yeah, you know what? I don't care. No? OK.

Anyway, all it is is she needs something really good

to have up her sleeve if she applies.

Right. So, all you need to do now is think of something really good?

Oh, I know, tell me about it. I mean, this is so not my area, David...

No, I know... but if you want my honest opinion... Yes, please, Lucy, I do.

.. I'd be tempted to go in a different direction, I think. Oh, right. If I was you.

Maybe surprise her with something original. OK...

That's interesting.

That's brilliant, Lucy. That's really great. Thank you.

So, when you say "different direction", Lucy... As I say, I'm really not...

No, just as an example of what you mean, I mean. I mean, I don't know, if all the celebrities in the world

swapped pets with other for a week or... Oh, my God! I mean, not that, but...

Kylie has a Rhodesian ridgeback. Yes, well, that's...

Then it's like, "Will they miss the old pets?

"Or will they fall in love with the new one?" No, David...

Do you think a week would be enough?

OK, so, how it works is you guys go either end

and I'm like umpire or judge or whatever.

Cool. Groovy.

Over at Perfect Curve,

it's a different day and Siobhan is preparing her creative team

to play mashup tennis.

So, then you guys have, like, ideas...

OK, so, like, you have an idea, OK? Yeah, so, like...

No shut up, still me. Yeah. So, you like hit the idea ball...

Cool... and if your idea isn't better than your idea,

then you lose the point, OK? OK. OK, cool. Yeah.

With other broadcasters, such as S... BLEEP

.. making moves to poach the iconic event from the BBC,

leaving it with no live sports that people understand,

their mission to both mashup and pimp the BBC Wimbledon brand

at the same time, which isn't easy.

So, it's, like, serious shit.

But that doesn't mean they can't have fun.

It doesn't mean we can't have fun here, right? OK, you serve. Sure, whatever. Go!

OK. No, hang on, what's going on? OK, no, that's too slow, you're out.

No, but it's like it's singles, otherwise it doesn't work. Yeah, singles, yeah, whatever. Go. OK?

So, I could be down the other end? No. Yeah. Well, how's that going to help?

He could be, like, ball boy.

Yeah, cool, yeah, ball boy, yeah, cool. OK? Yeah.

OK. Right. Ready? Yeah. Go!

So, you have BBC newsreaders or like David Thingy

actually umpiring the matches.

Cool. Shit. David who? This is good.

Erm, old guy, grey hair, does, like, political stuff with politicians.

Attenborough. Yeah, David Attenborough, yeah, cool, yeah.

OK, cool idea, Barney. 15-love.

Coco, your... Fault. Excuse me?

What? Yeah, because what if David Attenborough

doesn't know the rules of tennis or like how to score?

In this idea, he does know the rules.

Well, he might not - it's not as easy as it looks.

You're a ball boy, OK? Yeah.

OK, cool. So, I could be like net cord judge? What?

OK, 30-15. Coco. OK, so...

With, like, the finger, it's pretty cool.

Yeah, so, like, with the umpires,

with David Attenborough or maybe, like, Alan Sugar?

Yeah, yeah, cool, yeah, Alan Sugar, yeah.

Like, so now all they do is, like, say the score,

but they could be more like judges.

Cool. So, like, at the end of the rally,

they'd be like "15-love. Nice footwork."

Yeah, yeah, cool. Or if it's just out,

they're like "Love-15. Cool shot, but no cigar."

Yeah, cool, yeah. OK, I love this, this is epic.

OK, so, erm, 30-30, whatever.

Barney? OK. So, we have Graham Norton up in a players' box?

Excuse me? Cool. Yeah, so he's, like, up there

with the players' girlfriends. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No way!

Yeah. Cos when, like, the players swap ends and sit down,

normally that's when you go to adverts,

but, with the BBC, they don't have adverts... Bummer.

Yeah, so instead you've just got two guys, like, sitting there eating bananas.

Well, sometimes it's like they take their shirts off. Yeah, but... Yeah, sometimes.

BUT with Graham up there with, like, Andy Murray's girlfriend... Kim?

Yeah, Kim, yeah. We love Kim - she's gorgeous.

Yeah, and... Yeah, big sunglasses.

Yeah, and Graham's like, "How are you feeling?"

or "Oh, my God, we're so loving that dress, Kim."

God, I love this, this just, like, the best thing ever, OK?

Erm, 30-40. No, it's...

OK, OK. 40-30-30? 40-deuce, whatever. Go!

Hi, Izzy. Hi. Have you got a moment?

Back at New Broadcasting House,

Ian has had an issue on his mind, and it hasn't gone away.

I don't want to disturb you, I know you're busy enough... That's OK.

.. but would be possible...?

Will's pass isn't working, for some reason. Yes, no, I know.

Oh, yes, thanks for letting him in again today. I had a quick look on Syncopatico...

Yes... but as usual I couldn't make... No. You know, it kept telling me I wasn't discoverable,

or my network settings were in conflict with God knows... Yes.

So, basically I fell at the first hurdle. Yes, no, I had a look earlier, too.

Oh, right. And? His pass has actually run out.

Well, I mean yes, that's the... No, I mean, it's... What?

I think Will's internship has expired.

Oh, God. I know. No.

Yeah.

I haven't said anything to him. No, no, of course. I don't really know what to say.

I mean, are you sure?

So, the standard period is normally, like, eight weeks. Eight weeks?

I know. But, I mean, that's... How long...? 11 months.

11 months? Yeah. Well... How can that happen?

I don't think anyone's noticed. No.

No, OK. Well, at least that's something positive, I suppose.

Yes. Yeah.

OK, so, like, on court,

you have, like, BBC theme tunes for both players.

OK... So, I don't get that. Yeah, OK... I don't get it.

Yeah, so, like, say Andy Murray is going to play Novak Djokovic, OK?

OK, so, I don't even know what that is.

He's, like, world number one or something. OK, sure, whatever.

Yeah, but, like, at tennis. So, like, Novak,

he'd be like Doctor Who, because he's, like, a bit... Sure, whatever.

Yeah, he's kind of like an alien.

Yeah, but... Yeah, like his hair. Yeah, but, Andy,

he'd be, like, Strictly. We LOVE Strictly.

Yeah, so, like, if Novak wins a rally and then it's like...

OK, no, I get that.

Yeah, but then, like, the whole crowd joins in, so it's like...

Yeah, I still get it. Do Strictly.

Then, if, like, Andy wins a rally, then it's like...

Ho!

Holy shit. Yeah, cos then it's, like,

suddenly it's, like, party time. Do it again.

Ho!

Somebody tie this girl down. Yeah, it's like...

Ho!

Good job, guys, we did good here. We totally nailed this coyote.

It's like ho! We just BBCed Wimbledon.

Well played, good match. Cool.

Yeah. Ho...

Back over at New Broadcasting House,

it's a completely different day.

And as Ian arrives for work,

the first issue of the morning presents itself

even before he's made it inside the building.

Oh, hi, Will. Yeah, hey, yeah, cool. There you go.

Right, thanks. I mean, that's really good of you, Will... No worries.

No, I mean, really, I'm perfectly capable,

I should get used to carrying my own bike and getting my own coffee.

Yeah, no, no worries. That's cool. No, but... It's like a system.

Right, yes. Yeah, so my pass still isn't working? Right, no.

I asked Simon Harwood when he came through if I could visit him,

but he said it's probably better if I visit you? Oh, right yes, did he? Yeah.

I prefer visiting you anyway, it's better. I mean, we really need to sort this out at some point.

Yeah, I know, crap. Yes. Yeah, with the pass,

I was thinking maybe it's like the photo's, like, just too weird.

I mean, someone's going to have to tell him, aren't they? Yes. Yes.

I'll tell him. This is awful. I know. I'll tell him. Really, I don't mind.

I don't think there is, like, a formal system. But he seems to be closest to you. Well, that's...

Yeah, like you've adopted him. Me? Well, or Will's adopted you.

I mean, maybe if his pass just keeps not working, I suppose

there's a chance he might just work it out for himself eventually.

Yes.

Right, OK, no. Great.

Meanwhile, producer Lucy Freeman

is with potentially new writer Dan Shepherd.

After working towards developing a new drama, Home Truth,

with him for over two years,

the project is finally nearing another meeting. I have to say,

I don't know what Matt's going to say... Right... but he asked for the meeting so...

Yeah... I'm always cautious, but, after everything,

with everything you've been through, you have to think,

what else can it be but something good? Yeah. So, do you actually work here every day?

Yes, I do, yes. Right, OK. Every day.

Dan. Hi. You remember Matt? How are we? Yeah, good, yeah.

Thanks so much for coming all the way down. How's Whitby? Wetherby.

Wetherby, yes, Wetherby, of course. Yeah, no, it's OK, thanks. Great.

It's still pretty much the same. Great, have a seat or something. Yeah. Oh...

Generic Head of Comedy and/or Drama Matt Taverner

has asked to meet Lucy and Dan

to talk about what happens next with Home Truth,

a love story set and told very much in the context

of the Yorkshire seaside town of Scarborough.

I mean, first of all, I love what you've done with these scripts.

Oh, right. They're great, aren't they? I just think the characters are really solid now.

Yeah. Especially, I mean, the main character, I just...

Sarah. I love that she's a woman.

I love that she's, you know, she's strong.

I really feel I know who Sarah is now.

Yeah, I haven't really done anything to her. No. Well, maybe not,

but the way she reads now in the architecture of the whole...

Oh, right. So, the work you've done around her as a protagonist.

Yeah. I mean, look, what I'm basically saying is congratulations.

Oh, right, OK. Terrific. Yes. Thanks. See?

So, I guess part of my job is I think a lot at the moment about

what is a BBC story today? Oh, right. Do you?

And also about who do we want to be telling stories about?

And who do we want to tell them to? Right. Right.

I don't know. Who? I don't know. I may be wrong about this...

but is there just something about Scarborough as a place -

as a precinct, if you like -

is it a bit, I don't know, maybe a bit one-dimensional in some ways?

Yeah. "One dimensional"? Mmm. Yeah, it is.

What do you mean by...? What do you mean...? What do you mean, Matt?

Well, I guess I just mean culturally, really.

Is it all just a bit the same? Yeah, no, definitely. Well...

Yeah. Cos I mean that's, sort of, like the point. Yeah, no, sure,

that's great, Dan, that's brilliant. I mean, OK, would it help us at all here if...?

I'm just throwing this out there, would it help us if we thought

about reimagining it somewhere a bit more like, I don't know, Leicester or...? Leicester?

Oh, right. But... You know, or Wolverhampton

or, I don't know, maybe even somewhere like Walthamstow, perhaps or..? Yeah. I'm just... Walthamstow?

Would that make it culturally richer?

And, if so, would that be a good thing? No, but, Matt...

But that's... Walthamstow? I mean, that's the polar opposite of Scarborough. No, sure.

You might as well just start again. No, no, this has such potential, Dan.

We all feel the same about that.

I guess, my job is just to ask the question, could it be even better?

OK. Right. And if it could,

I guess what I'm asking Dan just to think about is,

is there something we might all gain from that? Yeah.

That's all I'm thinking about here. Yes. Great.

I'm sorry, I've got this wrong. I thought he'd apologised already.

Yes. Oh, he has, Neil, yes.

Meanwhile, it's Thursday,

and time for the Thursday Damage Limitation Meeting.

Since the making of this documentary,

certain events have happened.

As a result of which, for technical reasons,

we are unable to mention certain individuals by name.

The fact is he's issued a formal apology on Twitter. Yeah, OK, so...

He says he's never had anything at all against tossers - he's worked with them all his life. Yes.

Yes, no, very good. Tracey, do we know what the legal situation is?

I have spoken to them quite extensively.

Traditionally, the first item on the agenda is the Jeremy BLEEP item

and today is no exception.

And what they're saying is, over the last four series of the show,

if his use of the word comes to less than once an hour of broadcast time,

or to put it more clearly 0.5 times every half hour,

then, legally, it's classed...

This week, there have been complaints about his use of the word

"tosser" in the BBC Two hit sitcom, Top Gear.

Whereas if his use of the word is above that figure,

it counts as detrimental... OK... in which case, I don't know what.

I mean, listen, this is so not my area of thingy,

I don't know how the whole BLEEP.. son thing works.

The fact is we need to be better at this sort of thing. Yes, very good. Right. Yes.

Well, I mean, leaving aside the issue of whose responsibility

this actually is for a moment... I've already said what I think.

.. surely the first thing is to establish the answer to the frequency of use question.

Brilliant. Because that might just clarify the whole thing. Right, OK, fine. Brilliant.

Good-o! So, hang on, wait a minute,

so someone's going to have to watch four years' worth of Top Gear back-to-back?

Well, I mean... Yes. Jesus!

Exactly, Neil, yes. Going to go bloody mad.

The fact is it's basically Dave.

Yeah, they're going to go bloody mad.

OK. All righty - Jeremy, tick.

Now onto frankly rather more royal matters now.

With this week's BLEEP strategy agreed,

Simon can move the meeting onto the main item -

the increasingly forthcoming visit of Prince Charles.

Erm, brilliant, so, Ian, I had a quick decaf with Tony earlier.

Right, did you? Yes, I mean, he'll know how you want to play this better than I do,

but for what it's worth we got really rather excited about the idea of you doing a sort head prefect number

for us on the day, Ian. Yes. You know, ushering his HRHness up to the headmaster's office,

chatting to some of the brighter sixth formers on the way.

Yes, no, I talked to Tony about this last week. Oh, OK, brilliant.

We both... Brilliant. We both agreed, though, when it comes to the sequence of events

on the day itself, it's key that we all know what's going to happen

and we all know what we're doing. Yes. Yes, very good.

No, I agree with that, Ian. Yeah, also it'd be a first.

One thing I can say, something they've very clear about,

apparently he wants to meet people from all levels in the BBC. Right.

Yes, no, very good. Why?

No, I don't know why, Anna, they don't tell you that.

But he doesn't just want to meet the high-ups. That's all good to know. Another thing they want

to know in advance, Ian, is exactly who is going to be in the greeting party. Right, yes.

Yes. You know, who's actually going to be meeting him, personally. Yes.

That is something they will need to know in advance, Ian. No, I mean, I said to Tony

that this is obviously something we'll need to think about very carefully. Yes. Yes, exactly. Yeah.

Yes. Brilliant. Yeah, good luck with that.

Cos do you know what, Anna? I just think it would be great to go in

a different direction from Village, if you want my honest opinion.

Heavy Petting? OK, so Kylie swaps her Rhodesian ridgeback

for like one week with Alan Carr's Maine Coon. What?

I know, I hadn't heard of them, either, had to look them up.

It's later that day and Head of Output Anna Rampton

has asked David Wilkes to come into her office and talk about his ideas.

".. the largest domesticated breed of cat with a distinctive physical appearance

"and valuable hunting skills." Yes.

"Also known for its intelligence, gentle personality,

"and health problems such as feline..." Yes, all right.

It's just something I've not seen on television, that's all.

Yes, and the fact is that's not going to change. No.

The fact is this is a critical moment in the history of the...

Aware that this is a critical moment in the BBC's history,

Anna knows she's in a situation where she needs something

that's not only different, but, crucially, better than different.

.. And, crucially, better than different. Yes, right.

For David, this a moment to draw on his experience as a development executive.

whilst at the same time thinking with his feet.

Imagine Britain's Got Talent meets Family Fortunes. Right.

With a bit of The One Show thrown in just in case, obviously. Britain's Top Family?

But that's just a working title.

I was thinking maybe something like Family Face-Off.

Or maybe just Family, because one word's good. Yes.

And it's, like, do you know what?

This is about all of us. It's just got everything, it's very... Yes, so how would it work?

Well, each week, you've got, like, two different families,

so, you know, like, one, like, really posh one,

one, like, total car crash, and they compete against each other.

They compete how? Sorry, Anna? They compete how?

Yes. Because it's like we've all got something we can do.

So, one week Grandad plays tunes on his head with a spoon... OK.

And the kids are doing, like, handstands while doing impressions of, like, different...

The fact is the future of the BBC is not old people playing spoons on their head with tunes.

No. The fact is that's what ITV is for. Sorry, Anna, excuse me. Jack?

Afraid they didn't have any white tea in the end, but I... OK, no. .. did manage to get hold

of some oolong. No, that's not going to work. Right, sure. Can I get you anything else? I'll have water.

Sure. Not from the... No, sure. Oh, yes... Nothing for me, thanks, Jack, I'm fine. Another e-mail

from Carrie at BBC America. Yes? They really need to know now if you can do that week of the 27th in LA?

Right. I've been stalling, cos I know that's the week of the Prince Charles thing. The... Yes.

I wasn't sure if you were going to be involved in that.

I can't do LA. OK. They can move it. No, sure. OK, cool. Yes.

Wow. Yes? You're meeting Prince Charles when he comes, Anna?

The fact is we've met before. Lucky you. Talk about Britain's Top Family.

Hm, yes. Get him involved, then you really have got a show.

I mean, when you first came here, to the BBC, I mean,

what did they actually tell you? Yeah, they just said, like, "Wait in reception."

Right. But did they say anything about how long it was for?

Yeah, it was like most of the morning. Then Izzy came down.

Right... Yeah, I know.

Meanwhile, Ian has invited Will into Frankie Howerd

to talk about things generally.

I don't really know how to say this,

but internships are normally for a limited amount of time. Yeah.

They don't normally last for ever.

Yeah. So, we need to talk about that.

Yeah, no worries. It's not my pass that's expired, it's me.

Well, no, that's not quite... Yeah, no, that's cool. It's like with school. Well, yes...

Sometimes you've just got to leave right in the middle of the morning. Yes, I mean... Really?

Yeah, my sister just turned up in my mother's car. Right.

But, as well as things generally, Ian also knows that at some point

someone is going to have to talk to Will about things specifically

and that, for better, or, more accurately, for worse,

he is that person and this is that moment.

Anyway, as I say, I think things have probably come to the point where we...

I mean, I don't know if you've had any thoughts

about the sort of thing you might want to do next? Yeah, I have, yeah.

Because I mean... You have? Yeah. Oh, well, that's really... That's great, Will. Yeah, I know, yeah.

It's pretty cool. So, what sort of thing are you thinking of going for? Cos I was going to ask you about it.

Well, of course. Obviously, I'd love to help, if I can. Yeah, cool, yeah.

Cos, you know, like, Izzy is, like, a PA to Simon Harwood? Yes, right.

Like, she feeds his fish for him and stuff. Yes, I mean... She what? Yeah, so I was thinking...

His fish? So, I was thinking, like, I do your coffee and, like, your bike and stuff.

Right... So...

I mean, could I, like, be PA to you? PA to me?

Yeah, I mean a real one. Like, a real job. Like, I could do other stuff, too.

Cos that would be, like... That would be SO cool.

Right, OK... Yeah, OK, no. Well, no, Will... Yeah, no worries.

Yeah, you know, yeah, crap. No, it's just, as I say, I'd like to help... Yeah, me, too.

But it's just... I mean, for that to happen...

OK, for a start,

I'd have to work out a formal job description of some kind.

Yeah, cool, yeah. No, but... No, but you'd have to apply for it, formally.

OK. I'd probably have to give you a reference... Cool.

.. which would be... Well, I'd have to think about how to do that. Yeah.

This whole thing would have to go through the BBC HR department... Whoa!

..and ultimately, you'd need to be able to put together

a really top-quality, impressive CV.

OK. What? Let's go for it. Well, no...

It's, like, sometimes you have to believe in yourself,

because no-one else does, either. The... What? Yeah, cool, yeah, let's do it.

Right, OK. Good.

I mean, if there's anything in particular His Royal Highness

would like to see or do whilst he's here, please let us know, obviously.

Sure, yes. We know he doesn't do sweetcorn. No.

Meanwhile, Prince Charles's Private Relations Secretary, Camilla Ford,

and Clarence House Head of Hidden Security, Richard Cartwright,

have already arrived to go through the fine theory

of the forthcoming royal visit.

So, this is Camilla. Right. Hi. Ian Fletcher.

Hi. Camilla? What are the chances...? Yeah, no, don't.

Right, OK. no. And this is Richard Cartwright. Ian.

Richard, good to meet you. Yeah, Dick, really. Sorry?

Oh, right. It's Dick, really, not Richard.

Yeah. Right, OK, fine.

Dick actually looks after the security side of things.

~ Right, OK. Well, pretty important guy, then. ~ Yes. Don't know about that -

I just tag along most of the time. Yes, what is it pilots say?

It's actually really boring until something goes wrong. Well, exactly, yeah. Yes.

Yes, Dick actually is a pilot. Right, OK. Well, I was. A real one.

Well, yes. A squadron leader in the RAF. Right, good.

~ Well, I mean, shall we just go in and make a...? ~ OK, guys...

Ah, right... All right, OK. We good? Hello, Dave. So, guys, this is...

Dave Green is the BBC's own Head of Security at New Broadcasting House.

Camilla. Richard. Apologies... Well, actually, technically,

I'm not late, you guys are early, which is fine, by the way... Yeah.

.. but we've had an issue with Huw Edwards this morning,

I can't go into detail, I'm afraid. Right. Yeah, it's Dick, by the way.

Sorry, Richard? It's Dick, not Richard. Yeah. Yes, Dick.

Fair enough, Richard, noted. Right.

Right. OK, so shall we...?

Like to start outside, guys, if that's good for everyone.

Right.

Dave is not only responsible for the fail-safe security system

that completely surrounds New Broadcasting House,

but also personally devised much of the Syncopaticurity software that

makes it theoretically effective

in almost any theoretical circumstance.

We do operate a fail safe intelligent zonal lock-down system

in the building, whereby in the event of a problem in one area,

which there won't be,

OK, adjacent areas will start to go into automatic lock-down,

in sequence, until the entire building is secure,

until, or I should say unless,

such time as that process is manually deselected.

Yes, well, that's good to know.

I believe it's the same system as used in the White House, Richard.

Is it? I believe so, yes. God.

It's Dick. Dick, yes.

Indeed, apologies, my mistake, Richard.

Yeah. OK, good.

So, once we're happy the royal vehicles have arrived

and are - I should say ARE arrived - via Langham Street

and are secured in the holding position, I will seek

clearance from you, Richard, to move to the live phase of the operation.

OK.

Now, assuming you come back to me with a go, I will at that point

assume control of the rising bollards personally.

OK, go. Thank you, Richard.

Dick. Yeah, never mind. Currently, as you can see,

they're in what we call their secure or raised aspect,

in which aspect you could drive a Bulldog armoured support vehicle

at them and I promise you, you will come off worse.

Right, really? Oh, right. Well, that's very...

Excuse me, come off WORST. .. very reassuring.

Luckily, I think he'll probably be in a Range Rover.

Range Rover, yes.

Handy thing about this, Richard - single Wi-Fi handset that

changes functionality depending on where it's detected in the building.

Yeah, I've just got a Samsung, I'm afraid. OK.

But I have got the number of the RAF in here if I need it. Right.

Right, OK, so that's all good.

'It's half past one in the afternoon

'and I frankly can't see us getting this done.'

You sure you don't want me to carry it?

No, really, it's fine, thanks, Will, no, that's great. OK, cool.

Goodnight, Izzy. Yeah, goodnight, Izzy.

Hi, yes, goodnight. Yeah, I know. How's it going? Yes...

Whoa, Top Gear. Yes, yes, it's riveting(!)

Yeah, no, cos my sister's got like a VW Beetle? Really...?

Yeah, but like a new one. It's pretty cool.

Anyway, at the moment, they're driving tractors through Belgium.

Cool. Well, OK, good luck anyway.

Thanks. Yeah.

Bye. Bye.

Will? Yeah, I don't know...

What? Well, maybe I could do that.

Well... Do this?

Yeah, cool. Uh, well, I mean... Yes, uh...

it's supposed to be done by the end of tomorrow.

Yeah, no worries, yeah. Right.

I suppose if you actually really want to, Will... Yeah, I do.

I mean, I have to say that would be really... Cool. Yes.

Cos I'm not sure how much of this I can take.

I mean, are you really sure about this though, Izzy?

It is quite important to get this right, isn't it? Yes.

Yeah, that's OK, I don't mind.

It's a matter of making a note of exactly where Jeremy BLEEP

uses the word "tosser" in all of these shows.

OK, cool, yeah, no worries, yeah, "tosser".

You don't have to start right now though. Yeah, no, it's cool.

Yeah, cos it's like, I could put it on my CV. On your CV?

Yeah. Right. Cool. Yes, great.

No, Dan, you mustn't, you can't just...

The thing is, if you give up now, then, you know, what's the...

I think I might just end up throwing myself off a bridge.

What, no, I'm not, I'm serious.

Well, I don't know, there are lots of them,

I'll have to ask around and just decide on one.

Yes, please, any time. OK, speak soon. OK, bye.

Bye. Bye. Hi. Hi.

How are you? Yes, you know, yes.

Good. Yes, fine. Right.

'Doors opening.'

Walthamstow? I know, I know.

That's a bit of a stretch from Scarborough, isn't it?

I finally get a meeting with Matt Taviner to talk about it - I've been

trying to see him for, like, days -

so it's supposed to be seven o'clock,

so I hang around and I get this e-mail just now - he can't make it.

~ Right. ~ He's got to go to some silent opera with Alan Yentob,

which he must have known all along.

Yes. 'Doors opening.'

~ I just feel really guilty about Dan, you know... ~ Yes.

He's up there in Wetherby, he's had to move out,

he's living with his old English teacher. Right.

And I'm the one that's been telling him to have faith. Well, that's...

~ Sorry, I'm going on about it. ~ No, I asked.

It's been one of those days. I mean, living with

~ your old English teacher... ~ Yes. ~ That's never good.

From the sound of it, though, from everything you say,

none of this is your fault.

I know you shouldn't let this stuff get to you, but sometimes it's...

~ Yes. ~ I know it's all to do with this new Director of Thingy job really.

~ Right. ~ Matt's applying for it, I know he is - that's what it's all about.

Hang on, what new job?

~ What? ~ Director of what?

~ No. I mean, I don't know. ~ What?

What?

♪ De de-de de duh duh duh, de de-de duh duh! ♪

Right OK...

♪ Ho! De de-de de duh duh duh, de de-de duh duh... ♪

It's another day at a different time, and Siobhan has come over

from Perfect Curve to bring the Way Ahead Task Force up to speed

with where exactly the BBC Wimbledon brand

mashup is currently at.

♪ De de-de de duh duh duh, Ho! De de-de duh... ♪

Right, OK, can we stop this now?

Sure. Yes.

Go, Andy! Yes.

Brilliant. Brilliant.

OK, this next one is so cool.

So, like, all the balls will have the BBC logo on them.

Right. You can keep this one, I don't want it.

Brilliant. Siobhan, I... Brilliant.

I'm not being picky or anything cos I'm not like that, but I can't help

noticing what I can only describe as a bit of a spelling mistake here.

Yeah. Na-ah. Yes, I'm afraid so.

Yeah, it's "Wimbledon".

De nada. Jesus...

No, I hate to say, Siobhan, it is Wimbledon, I'm afraid,

not "WIN-bledon".

Not any more, it isn't.

Oh, right. Here we go.

BBC... WIN-bledon.

Right. Duh!

Right, OK, I see, you've...

It's a totally cool idea, it's a win-win situation for like the BBC

and Wimbledon. Bollocks. Right, well...

360-degree winsomeness.

What? We can come back to the mashup idea in a moment,

I mean, if we actually have to. Sure.

But one thing we absolutely do need to get right is the whole...

No matter how mashed up BBC WIN-bledon now is as a concept,

Ian is keen to talk about something else.

In this case, the sensitive issue of possible

monohogeneity in the BBC's coverage of lawn tennis.

I just think that in the context of renewal, addressing this

issue properly is something that's going to be critical.

The fact is, Wimbledon is something... WIN-bledon.

Is something... BBC WIN-bledon.

Is something that we do well, but the fact is

we should be looking at ways of doing it better.

Yes, no, very good, Anna. That's been my point all along.

No, honestly, fabulous. Right. Well...

OK, so, three words, guys. "Jo", "Wilfried" and "Tsonga".

Right.

Brilliant. Jo-Wilfried Tsonga?

Sure. OK.

But it turns out the team at Perfect Curve have already been

thinking about the idea of augmenting the BBC team with

new commentators or experts who ethnically not so much white.

This is a person. Yes.

Yeah, French, yeah. Super good.

They've discovered there's someone called Jo-Wilfried Tsonga who's

currently ranked number 12 in the world.

And, what's more, at tennis.

OK, yes, good.

So, his mum's like French and his dad's like whatever.

Yes, no, I'm not being funny or anything,

but I play a bit of tennis myself...

You do? Yes. Christ.

Not at that standard, Neil, obviously. No.

And I've got to say,

Jo-Wilfried Tsonga is actually good news for the game. Sure.

So, wait a minute, you're actually in contact with him?

We love Jo-Wilfried. He's one cool dude.

What I like about him, he's an athletic player, obviously,

especially on grass,

but the great thing about him is he actually smiles.

Yes. Cool girlfriend. Yes.

So, Siobhan... Sure. Just to be... Yep, no, sure.

You've actually... No, sure, yep.

Sorry, I am to going to ask you this question, I'm afraid.

I'm good with that.

Just to be clear, what you're saying is, you're in contact with

Jo-Wilfried Tsonga about this. So, what it is is, we just need

like an in with his people and we're all set. "An in with his people"?

Sure, and we're totally good to go. Right. OK. Oh, right.

Guys, this is what we do, OK? Bollocks.

Either nut up here, or get off the bus at Loser's Creek.

Yeah, brilliant. Brilliant. Fabulous.

Whoa.

Whoa, cool.

Hi, Will. What? Oh, hey, yeah, hey, Izzy, hey, yeah.

How's it going? Yeah, no, it's pretty cool.

Meanwhile, after many hours of careful observation, Will has

almost completed his task of watching four years' worth

of Top Gear shows and counting the number of "tossers".

27? Yeah, 27, yeah, and that's exactly where they are at.

Right, that's really great, Will, so where are the time codes?

Yeah, no, what? Say again?

We need to know exactly where he uses the words

so they can do the edit.

He says it once like in Bulgaria.

I know, but that's what the time codes are for.

Yeah, another time they're in a car park. Yeah, yeah.

God, Will...

Yeah, no worries, it's my own fault.

So near, yet so far.

Yeah, I'm not going to put this on my CV.

At last, after all the planning, it's two weeks later,

and it's the day of the royal visit.

Ohh, God. Oh, hi, Lucy.

David. I didn't see you there. No, I know. What are you doing?

Oh, my God, you look sensational, Lucy.

Well, no, thank you... I love what that dress does for your hips.

My hips? Have you got a moment? I was going to ask you

if you might be able to do me a favour.

David, this isn't, I need to be...

No, no, no, it's only if you can be bothered, Lucy,

and only if the situation arises, obviously.

I was going to ask you if you'd be able to give him this.

What? No, no, I know,

I'd do it myself, but I'm not included in the party.

Is this a joke? What it is is I'm developing this show, for Anna...

David, I am not giving Prince Charles your card.

And basically, each week, it's like...

I don't care, I am not giving Prince Charles your card.

It would be such a great thing for all of us if he agreed

to take part in it. Yes. And that's all I'm thinking about.

I'm not doing it. That's ridiculous. Do you want to think about it?

No. No, OK. No, I don't.

No, I'll just leave it with you anyway. Lovely Lucy.

OK, copy that. And we are amber here, guys.

I say again, amber amber amber.

With Prince Charles due to arrive at midday,

by 11.40, there are only 20 minutes to go, and the royal

greeting party is gathering up

in the Director General's outer office.

Just to say, guys, the royal convoy has left Clarence House

and is now inbound in to us here. Right. All righty.

Thanks, Dave. Right. Here we go. Yes.

I've asked Lucy Freeman to be down in reception already

just to keep an eye on things down there. Goodo.

So, guys, we are all set.

Everyone is aware that this of all days is a day where

absolutely nothing can go wrong.

I'll just step in, shall I, Alice? And give Tony a prod.

OK, fine.

I mean, I'm sure he's ready, but sometimes he can

get into a frankly unnecessary last-minute state about his hair.

Hi, yes, only me. Ready when you are, Mr McGill.

Right. Good.

Yeah, hi, go ahead. OK. Right.

Where?

I'm not being funny or anything, Ian, but I don't mind saying I am

going to need a loo at some point

before I meet His Royal Highness. Yes. Right. OK.

OK, no, I've got eyes on it...

It's the same when I get on an aeroplane, I don't know why it is.

Yes, no, well... OK, yep.

OK, shut it down.

What?

I say again, shut it down.

9.30, Thursday. I've got you in. Perfect. Bye.

Hi, Will. Oh, yeah, hi. No, nothing.

So, I'm going now? Oh, OK, right. Going where?

Yeah, I know, I don't mind. What?

But even though it's a royal day for the BBC in general,

it's not such a good day for Will.

Yeah, like, no, they rejected my CV.

Yeah, like, they said aeroplanes wasn't really a skill.

Will, no, but that's... Aeroplanes? Yeah, I know, crap.

Yeah, bad luck.

Will, no.

The BBC HR Department has thrown out Will's application

for the post of Assistant to the Head of Values.

Thanks for... It's been great to have you around. Yeah.

And, you know, good luck with... Yeah, no. Good luck.

Yeah, thanks. Yeah, you, too.

Yeah, bye.

OK, cool. Uh...

What?

Would... Can I like take a picture of you?

Uh, yeah, I mean...

OK, cool. I mean, where do you want me?

What? Yeah, that's... Say again? No worries, yeah, cool.

Here?

Yeah, no, crap, hang on.

No...

Shall I? Yeah, no. Do you want a hand?

Yeah, no, it's my own fault. I'll take it. Crap.

No, Jack. I'll take both of you.

Well... Yeah, no, that's... Say again? Here.

You're in Photos, not Camera.

Yeah, I know, crap.

So, who's this?

No, Jack, don't. It's OK, it's OK, I'm just...

Give it back. Yeah, no, that's my sister. Wow. Nice sister.

Yeah. Jack! It's OK, I'm going to take it. Jack, no!

Who's this? Come on, it's Will's, give it back.

No, who's this, with your sister? Jack! Give it to me.

See?

This is your sister?

She does like water-skiing sometimes. She's really good.

I don't mean to pry... Oh, I do. Yeah, that's OK. I really do.

So, who actually is this with her?

Oh, yeah, that's JW, yeah. He's pretty cool.

JW? Yeah, Jo-Wilfried, yeah.

Jo-Wilfried? Yeah.

Right. See?

So, guys, this is going to get busy.

We've got a suspicious object in the plaza.

What? OK, no.

But suddenly, as can sometimes happen on days

when nothing can go wrong, it does.

Suspicious object. What? No three. Outside, in the plaza.

Yeah, OK, copy that. Siobhan. What?

I'm sorry, guys, we are in live lock-down.

Siobhan. OK, no. Oh, bloody great(!)

Who else would be carrying a rucksack with Sue Barker's

head on it? I say again, we are in live lock-down.

Going to have to ask you to stay where you are.

No, but I know who that is.

Excuse me? I don't know what the hell she's doing here,

but I know whose bag that is.

I'm sorry, Ian, the world is full of rucksacks

with Sue Barker's face on them. No, it isn't! Also...

That's a ridiculous thing to say. It doesn't look right.

That's neither here nor... Apparently, they've spelled Wimbledon wrong. God.

Now, in my world that's a big red flag. No, that's deliberate.

What is? BBC WIN-bledon.

It's, uh... It's supposed to look like that. Yes.

Look, sorry, guys... Her name is Siobhan Sharpe. She's a PR, she's...

Brand BBC Consultant. Yes, exactly. I've got her number in my phone.

You're telling me - she's with us, today. Well, I mean...

No, she's bloody not. No, she... I'm sorry, Ian.

This is nothing to do with her. Look, Tracey... Yes, can she just shut up?

Your sister taught Jo-Wilfried Tsonga to water-ski. Yeah, I know. Yeah. Brilliant.

Yeah, he didn't really want to. Like, she was an instructor in,

I dunno, like, the Caribbean one year. Like, it was really hot. But he wasn't supposed to water-ski

because of, like, his tennis. But she made him anyway.

Meanwhile, Izzy and Jack are coming to terms with the possibility that Will may have managed

to find a solution to the BBC's Wimbledon problem by accidentally having a sister.

Yeah. Now when he plays at Wimbledon they all come and stay.

What do you mean stay? Stay where?

Jo-Wilfred Tsonga stays at your house? In Wimbledon? Is that where you live? Yeah.

I have to sleep above the garage for, like, a fortnight. It's cool up there. Brilliant. He's a cool guy.

Utterly fucking brilliant. One time he tried to teach me, like, a backhand but my mother left the

bedroom window closed and...

'Attention, this is a security alert.

'Attention, this is a security alert.'

Code Seven. I say again - Code Seven, Cafe Nero.

Basically, no-one leaves or...

No, Seven. Code Seven.

No, Cafe Nero is, like, the name of the cafe.

With the Heir to the Throne minutes away

and fast approaching fast, Dave Green knows he can't afford

to take a risk of any kind, whether it's a risk or not.

So, what we're going to do, Ian, I need you to be clear on this,

we've got this individual under control but we're going to have to...

'Attention, this is a security alert.'

Right, OK. That's OK, guys. That's normal. Normal?

So, the fact is, can somebody open those?

So, what I'm going ask you to do, Ian... I can't believe this. Can we turn that thing off?

After following up Ian's potential lead, someone has been discovered

in the cafe claiming to fit Siobhan's description

and Dave has had an idea for verifying her identity.

OK, let's do it. I'll put her on speaker phone.

What do you want me to say to her? Excuse me.

What do you want me to say to her? So, you're going to ask her

to confirm her identity to you. I know who she is - I can see her.

Yeah, no. That's definitely Siobhan. 'You guys are in serious shit.

'Let me go.' Siobhan. Hi, it's Ian. 'Ian. What the fuck?'

I know this is completely ridiculous but...

'Let go of my arm, fat face. OK?'

Siobhan, I'm going to ask you to confirm who you are to me.

'What is this? Some weird shit?'

We have to do this. I have to ask you to confirm your identity.

You have to tell me who you are. 'You just said it.'

It's ME. What the fuck?

Who do you think it is? Like, Hillary fucking Clinton?

'This is a security alert.' Enough?

'Attention, this is a security alert.'

OK. And we are Code Two Clear, all zones reset on this.

I say again - Clear, all zones. Reset, reset, reset.

Right. Thank God. Let's get on with this.

OK, guys, I do need the loo now. The fact is, this door need to be open.

Yeah, just resetting now. OK, good.

So, the building knows exactly where this handset is and depending on...

We haven't got much time, Dave. Fair enough. Point taken, Ian.

OK - good. OK.

Locked. Ah - OK. All right.

For God's sake, Dave. OK, no. I'm sorry.

Guys, I really do need to get out. OK, I know what I did there.

Yes, no. They're here. I think he's actually arrived.

Right. But where actually are you?

What do you mean, you can't get out? It'll be fine, Lucy.

Don't panic, this will all be OK. All right?

Because it will be. It has to be.

I am trying. Reset, reset, reset. And in the meantime you just stay there...

They're not bloody open. No, they're not. They're locked.

Richard. Hi, morning. How are you?

A few minutes early but we're ready when you are.

Yeah. But in the meantime just to check - the bollard situation?

Yeah, they're up. Yeah.

So, we didn't go down the Bulldog Armoured Vehicle route in the end,

but presumably you're across that...

OK, will do. Yep, yep.

He's here, OK. He's outside now. He's arrived.

Tony says there should be a fail-safe button on his side. Ah, OK. Well, that's... Yes.

No, there isn't one. Ah. But he says there should be. Right, yes.

Basically, they're not very happy through there. I don't think. No.

So, now - Command - Control - Shift - Escape. Yeah, no. Do this now... Escape?

So, get out of Security Options, back to Zonal Preferences, and...

No, do this now. OK, so try reopening controls

from system start up but holding down Alt - Shift.

You did? And what happened?

Right.

Have you tried unplugging it at the mains? Where does this go?

Oh, that leads through into Old Broadcasting House, I think. Right.

Or, it used to at one time. Doesn't open? No.

No. Course not. I've never seen it open.

I'm not even sure if it's even a real...

Oh, OK. Right.

That's interesting.

Right. OK.

OK, great. All right. OK.

And we are Status Active here, guys. I say again - we are...

No, Dave. I'm sorry, would you mind?

Yeah, I... It's just I can't think. Yeah, I just... No, please. Shut up.

The BBC Royal Greeting Party may have finally broken free,

but they now have just seven minutes until they are due to be greeting

and no time to worry about detail.

Right. OK. Let's go. Hang on, guys.

Not being funny or anything, but what about Tony? Ah, right.

Yes. Tony who? Tony Hall. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

And Simon? Yes. I mean, are we just leaving them in there,

or waiting, or what? Right. The fact is, Prince Charles is here to be met and somebody's got to meet him.

Why don't we keep going for the moment and see what happens with that one. Yes, exactly. Right, OK. Yes.

Because there already was a Broadcasting House

when New Broadcasting House was literally built onto the side of it,

the decision was made to call one of them Old Broadcasting House

to avoid any possible chance of confusion.

But even though they may be only feet away from where

they need to be - in another sense they're decades away

and the one thing they don't have is time.

Dave, hi. How's it looking? 'Yeah, no. Great, Richard.'

OK, no. Just so you know, we're still looking at quite a lot of bollard here, so...

Yes, no. Understood, Richard. We have eyes on that.

You OK? You sound like you're running? As I say, we're coming at you and we are standby for Go.

I say again - standby for Go.

Oh, God. Have we been here before? I don't know. Yes.

Guys, can I just... No, shut up.

Just see what happens in here.

Ah, right. Good. Sorry, how do we get back to New Broadcasting House?

NBH? Reception, yes. We're in a bit of hurry. OK. Yes.

It's back that way. Really? No, it isn't.

We've just come from there. Try that way. That way? Yeah.

Right. Thank you. Yes, thank you.

Yeah, no.

Ah - right. OK, no. I'm sorry. Bloody hell.

The fact is, we've gone further backwards in time. Yes. Guys, what we need here is to go forwards.

Yes, all right. Just to say, Ian - four minutes Yes, thanks. Shut up. Yeah, I say again - four minutes...

No, I'm sorry. Shut up. I'm going to keep going down. Right. At least then we'll end up on the ground floor.

Right. Yeah, understood. Yes, good.

"Reception"! What? Reception - there's a sign.

This is good, guys. This is good.

OK. OK, no. Right, that's it.

OK. So, guys - this is wrong... Shut up.

I don't care, it's fine. I say again - this is the wrong... No, shut up.

We'll have a go out the front and walk round.

With three minutes to spare,

they've managed to find their way to the wrong Reception.

But, in theory, it's just two hundred yards from Old Broadcasting House to New Broadcasting House

where the royal convoy is still waiting to arrive.

Hi, guys. Yes, hi. Can I help you, sir. Yes. We're in a bit of a hurry, we need to get round to the

other Reception. That's not possible, sir. No. We have a VIP visitor inbound. Yes, no. I know.

We're meeting him. I'm sorry, sir, we are in live lock-down.

But we're meeting him. Right. OK. Sorry, guys.

It's thanks partly to Dave himself that the fool-proof

zonal lock-down system is designed to favour

neither man nor fool equally.

This is a Code Seven - Exceptional Circumstances.

We are Code Two - Live Lock-Down, sir. Right, listen...

Right, OK. Forget it.

Ian, hi. Where are you?

So, there's a security guy - a royal security guy - Richard Cartwright...

Yes? He's probably outside.

Yes, I think I can see him.

Hi. Hi. Yeah, hi, yes. It's Lucy Freeman, hi.

Right. And you are.. I'm just... I work with... I basically... Yeah, never mind.

What the hell's going on in there? Yes, no. They're coming now. I'm here already, so that's one -

and the others are just grouping up before they arrive. Grouping up? Yes. What are they?

The bloody Red Arrows? Ha - Yes, I know. Yes.

Hello? Hello? Ian!

Hello? Ah!

I'm sorry, Ian. I did go to the loo. Right.

I think it's probably the excitement. Yes. So... Through here.

Christ. I know. It was a fluke, OK. But this leads right out into...

Right. Yes, no. I know. I'm not being funny or anything -

but she can't half shift in those heels.

But then I did actually go in a helicopter once.

Right. I didn't like it. No. Yes.

Right, OK. OK. This is good, guys. OK? I say again - this is good.

No. Can you shut up, please. No running, OK. No running. OK. No running here, guys. OK? No running.

What happened? No, I can't - it doesn't matter. Are you OK? Yes, I'm... Yes, he's fine.

Guys, are we in a Go state? Any news of Tony and Simon?

Alice just phoned. They're still stuck in his office. Right. Right. OK, good. OK, let's do it.

Outside, it's now 12 o'clock,

which is exactly the time it's supposed to be.

But Dick Cartwright and the rest of the royal party

are aware that time is still passing - literally, by the minute.

Meanwhile, inside - what's left of the official greeting party -

has at last made it to its official greeting position.

This is it.

All that's necessary now is for nothing else to go wrong.

Hey, guys. Siobhan.

I made it, they let me go.

All right. No. I'm sorry. So, let's do this. Let's get royal.

The fact is, this is this is not happening. It totally is.

No, it is not. No, but there's a list, I'm afraid, Siobhan.

A list, yes. Yes. No, sure. A list went to Clarence House.

No, sure. I'm on it. There really... What do you mean, you're on it?

No, I'm sorry. You are not, Siobhan. I mean, how?

It's a list, OK. I'm on it. QVC.

What?! Right, OK. Fine.

But back outside, Dave Green has won his battle with the last

remaining rising bollard and the visit is finally under way.

With the royal Range Rover now in place, it's time for someone

to come outside and greet it.

The only unknown left now is exactly who that's going to be.

I mean, it should be Ian, surely? Well, no. I don't...

Just to say, that's a Go, guys. Yes, thanks, Dave.

Let's just do this. The fact is... No, we really need to...

No, I'm sorry. Duh! Right, OK.

Right, OK.

It isn't me, you're pushing it.

Ian Fletcher, Head of BBC Values.

Your Royal Highness. Welcome to New Broadcasting House.

I try and laugh several times a day just bec...

cos it makes you feel good.