Original subtitles

Cab fare, Richard?

No, I've got to pay some bills.

Well, at least leave me enough for breakfast.

Why, toddy,

one would suspect you think I'm mercenary.

Try unscrupulous.

You get your money's worth.

I'd say we both get my money's worth.

Look, toddy, if you're not happy with the arrangement...

as a matter of record, I'm not,

but to quote the immortal bard,

"love looks not with the eyes

"but with the mind.

Therefore is winged cupid painted blind."

Have a nice day, toddy.

I'll do my damnedest.

♪ All the year where cherries grow ♪

♪ All the year where ♪

♪ Cherries grow ♪

♪ Cherry ripe, cherry ripe, ripe, I cry ♪

♪ Full and fair ones come and buy ♪

♪ Cherry ripe ♪

♪ Ripe, I cry ♪

♪ Full and fair ones ♪

♪ Come ♪

♪ And ♪

♪ Buy ♪

As you can tell, monsieur Labisse,

I have a legitimate voice.

Yes. Well, you see, I'm looking

for something a little more illegitimate.

Oh, I'm sure that with a little practice...

lady, that is like a nun

saying with a little practice,

she could become a streetwalker.

It has to come naturally.

Right.

In some professions,

practice is a minor consideration,

so take my advice

and stick to Carmen.

I am a coloratura, monsieur Labisse,

not a mezzo.

Well, whatever you are,

Andre Cassell should never have sent you over here.

He didn't.

You told me he was your agent.

I lied.

Thank you.

And in spite of what you think,

monsieur Labisse,

there are some professions

where practice does make perfect.

♪ Aaahhhh ♪

What in hell was that?

B-flat.

Monsieur Directeur,

she's back.

What?!

Hey!

Miss Grant.

You, uh...

you owe me two weeks.

H-h-hold... hold it.

What?

You promise to pay me on Tuesday,

then on Wednesday, then on Thursday.

What's that?

What?

Spaghetti?

Yes.

With meatballs.

I'll sleep with you for a meatball.

You what?

Mr. Jansen.

Oh, no, you don't.

It won't do you any good.

I've been in the hotel business for 20 years.

I know All the angles.

Come on. Get up. Get up.

I don't care if you've got the bubonic plague.

If you can't pay your rent,

I confiscate your personal belongings,

and I evict you.

What happened?

You made a certain offer to me

which I could not refuse,

and then you pretended to faint.

Don't be ridiculous. I never pretend to faint.

Yes, sure.

What are you doing?

I am, uh, helping you to stand up.

That's funny, I thought I was standing.

Maybe you'd like to lie down.

You're confusing me.

I'm sure we can do something

about the rent.

Whatever you may think,

I'm not an ungenerous man.

What is it?

There!

Where?

There! A cockroach!

Why, you...

I'm sorry. Aah! I can't stand cockroaches.

Especially in a hotel room, eh?

Anywhere!

Yeah! You won't tell the department of health

if I forget your rent, uh?

I tell you once more, I'm getting my money.

And, uh, just in case you thought

of leaving us during the night...

oh, please don't leave me.

Please!

I know what it is.

I'm dreaming.

♪ When people speak of gay Paree ♪

♪ They think that when they say Paree is gay ♪

♪ They mean that gay Paree is gay ♪

It is.

♪ Not in the way Paree was gay in yesterday Paree ♪

♪ It means today that gay Paree is gay ♪

Not that gay.

♪ They say Paree has always been ♪

♪ That way ♪

♪ Along the banks of the seine ♪

♪ Just take a walk now and then ♪

♪ You'll meet some interesting men ♪

♪ Gay Paree ♪

♪ Along the rue Madeleine each evening round about 10 ♪

♪ You'll see it time and time again, gay Paree ♪

♪ If you've a soiree to spare ♪

♪ Go to the Folies Bergere ♪

♪ You'll see such gaiety there ♪

♪ C'est la vie ♪

♪ Around the rue Des beaux-arts ♪

♪ Where All the cabaret shows are ♪

♪ I mean, well, really those are, You'll agree ♪

♪ What they mean when they say ♪

♪ Gay ♪

♪ Paree ♪

That's toddy warbling again.

♪ The faubourg St. Honore ♪

♪ Where All the millionaires play ♪

Oh! There you are.

♪ Is also, I'm so glad to say, gay Paree ♪

♪ The rue De rivoli arcades ♪

♪ Where fancy goods are displayed ♪

♪ There's also bound to be rough trade, gay Paree ♪

♪ And in arrondissement 8 ♪

♪ The champs Elysees I would rate ♪

♪ Perhaps the one thing that's straight as can be ♪

Hey, waiter!

♪ And at the cafe De la Paix ♪

♪ If you are heading that way ♪

♪ They drink a toast every day around 3 ♪

♪ They make each moment as gay as Le quatorze De Juillet ♪

♪ That's what they mean ♪

Oh, boy!

♪ When they say ♪

♪ Gay Paree ♪

Thank you.

Thank you, thank you. You're most kind.

In fact, you're every kind.

I see we have a celebrity with us tonight.

Miss Simone Kallisto,

star of stage, screen, and an occasional circus.

Take a bow, darling.

Up yours, Cheri.

And speaking of the circus,

aren't you Richard Denardo, the well-known trapeze artist?

Careful, toddy.

You're not really funny, you know,

so why don't you just piss off?

You! You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

Bringing your sweet, old mother

into a place like this.

Gyaaah!

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

you have a delightful surprise coming to you...

no!

No!

Please.

Monsieur.

Thank you.

But nobody was seriously hurt.

That's why I'm only closing you for a week.

You know how much I will lose in one week?

A quarter of what You'll lose in a month

if there is any more trouble.

You're fired!

I can't afford it.

You can't afford it?

What about me? What about All this?

More ice.

You take it out of my salary.

Toddy, get out!

All right.

And don't come back!

If you ever set foot in this place again,

I will have you thrown out!

Don't make it sound like such a threat.

Being thrown out of this place

is significantly better than being thrown out

of a leper colony.

Out!

Thank you.

Something to drink?

Ah, could I see your wine list?

We have a white 1934,

we have a red 1934.

Last week we had some rose,

but we're using it in the salad.

Which do you recommend?

The red is 6 centimes cheaper.

I'll have the white.

I bet you are a Rockefeller.

Is something wrong?

I thought maybe you had a dog.

Dog?

I've only been gone 5 minutes.

I figured something helped you eat it.

It was delicious.

Do you want a salad?

Later.

Later.

The chicken was so good, I thought I might try the pork.

Does it take long?

About, uh, half an hour.

What about the Boeuf Bourguignonne?

That's ready.

I'll have that, and I'll have the salad afterwards.

You realize, of course,

you're entitled to two salads.

Could you put them both on one plate?

That's possible.

Terrific.

Delicious wine.

Maybe you'd like to choose your 2 desserts.

Apple flan and coupe Jacques

might go well together.

Just a small coffee.

Good evening.

I had the pleasure

of hearing you sing this afternoon.

Oh, you must be mistaken.

I... i haven't sung in about two weeks.

Your audition at Chez lui.

Oh. That was not singing,

and I would hardly call it an audition.

Ha ha ha. I used to work there.

My condolences.

Well, I hope I haven't bothered you.

I just wanted to tell you

that I think you have a lovely voice,

and to say how sorry I am

that I can't buy you dinner.

Thank you. Oops.

Pardon me, monsieur.

Oh, thank you.

Could I have a knife and fork, please?

Excuse me.

Why are you sorry that you can't buy me dinner?

Casse.

Broke?

I'm also Carroll Todd...

toddy to nearly everybody who knows me.

Victoria...

Grant.

I hope we meet again when I'm flush.

Won't you sit down?

Please?

Have dinner with me.

Thank you.

You know, it's very strange.

At the club, I thought you were

just about at the end of your rope.

I was. I am.

This is the first decent meal I've had

in almost four days.

And you can't pay for it.

Casse.

And you want me to have dinner with you.

I want you

to have the best damn dinner you ever had.

Have two.

I started off with the roast chicken,

and I segued to the Boeuf Bourguignonne.

It's anybody's guess

what I could end up with.

Oh, I'd guess about 30 days.

If All goes well,

I expect to leave here poor but sated.

I have a...

Bug in my purse.

At the appropriate moment,

it goes in my salad.

It'll never work.

A bug in my salad?

In a place like this, it would be an event

if there wasn't a bug in your salad.

What about a... Cockroach?

A cockroach?

Bigger than your thumb.

Oh, god!

Waiter.

Try the chicken.

I really recommend it.

Um, the Bourguignonne was just a little tough.

Maybe the way you're eating,

your jaws are getting tired.

Speaking of overworked jaws,

why don't you treat yours to a sabbatical

and fetch me a wine list?

This is All they have.

This? Last time I saw a specimen like this,

they had to shoot the horse.

How lucky can you get?

In one evening, a Rockefeller

and a Groucho Marx.

They didn't shoot a real horse.

Just a costume with two waiters in it.

I shall think of a sharp retort

while I'm getting your roast chicken.

It's a wise man who knows when to throw in the towel.

And it is a moron who gives advice

to a horse's ass.

I made the dressing myself

with the last of the rose.

I'll bet it's delicious.

I wouldn't bet on it.

Go on, try it.

I think I'll wait till the Bourguignonne

settle a bit.

You don't have to eat it.

Oh, I want to.

You will be the first to know.

You'd better go now.

I want to lend my support.

Oh, that's lovely.

But it's my cockroach in my purse,

and I have to get it into my salad.

I'm perfectly willing to take over your salad.

You can just slip me the purse under the table.

Listen, you hate cockroaches

as much as I do,

what if I manage and you faint?

Then it's possible I shall wake up in prison.

Then I can't talk you out of it?

You don't have time.

Careful it doesn't crawl out.

Anybody looking?

Nope.

I don't see it.

How's the salad?

Have you tried it yet?

No.

No. I was, um, just about to.

We would like another bottle of wine.

We'd like to try the red.

Co-co-cockroach.

A cockroach?

In my sa-sa-salad.

I can't believe it.

I don't believe it.

Are you impugning this lady's integrity?

She's impugning my salad.

No, no, no.

I-I-I'm sure it wasn't your fault

your salad had a cockroach in it.

It didn't, and it wasn't.

I demand to see the manager.

Yes, sir.

This lady found a cockroach in her salad.

So I gather.

Well, what are you going to do about it?

I'm going to apologize.

Madame, I regret that you found

a cockroach in your salad.

I can assure you that in the five years

I've been running this restaurant,

there have only been two other occasions

when customers complained

of having found insects in their food.

You see? It's happened before.

On both occasions,

it turned out that the customers

had actually put the insects in their food,

hoping to blackmail the restaurant

and thus avoid having to pay their checks.

Surely you're not suggesting...

that madame is trying

to avoid paying her check?

Well, of course not,

and as a manager of this restaurant,

I hope madame accepts my apology

for any inconvenience

she may have been caused.

Thank you. Ma... madame does.

Now, that is what I have done about it.

What are you going to do about it?

I?

There is still the matter

of your check.

My check?

There was no cockroach

in your salad.

No, no. I invited this man

to have dinner with me.

Oh, I see.

Am I to gather, madame,

that since this gentleman is your guest,

you don't feel that you should pay

for his dinner, either?

I would say that under the circumstances

that's the only logical conclusion available.

I will tell you what I consider to be

the only logical conclusion available.

Either you or madame will pay the entire...

This way!

What?!

What?!

I was the leading soprano

of the bath touring light opera company.

Very athletic for a soprano.

That's because I have three brothers.

Hmm, I know what you mean.

I grew up with two older sisters.

Bless you.

Thank you.

I think I'm catching a cold.

Do you have any bicarbonate?

Top shelf.

I have the worst heartburn.

Can I ask you a question?

You want to know if I'm a homosexual?

No.

I want to know if you're a hypochondriac.

Not necessarily.

Oh. Well, my husband was.

The day we got married, he got the shingles,

and when we got divorced,

his ulcer perforated.

How long have you been a homosexual?

How long have you been a soprano?

Since I was 12.

I was a late bloomer.

What happened

to the bath touring light opera company?

I guess you could say

Lou cassava took French leave with the bankroll.

Lou cassava?

Our stage manager. Sam put him up to it.

Sam?

My ex-husband.

Oh, god.

You know,

you should stay in bed and force liquids.

That's good advice for a camel.

You have anybody to take care of you?

Oh, it's only a cold.

A cold tonight

could be pneumonia by the morning.

Are you sure your husband was a hypochondriac

before he married you?

I know you think that I'm an alarmist.

Only because you sound like one.

I've had enough personal experience

to know that when it comes to your health,

it does not pay to take chances.

Then you can stop worrying.

With the exception of saxophone lessons and the Metro,

I never pay to take anything.

You know what I'm going to do?

What?

I'm going to see if my clothes are dry,

and then I'm going to try to sneak back into my hotel.

What if I wake up with pneumonia?

Well, I'll just have to come round early in the morning

and check on you.

I could have a relapse in the middle of the night.

No, you couldn't.

Why couldn't I?

Because the middle of the night

was about two hours ago.

♪ Hiyum ♪

♪ Da dum ♪

♪ la da Dee Dee Dee ♪

♪ Dee Dee Dee Dee ♪

Oh, my god!

What?

What? What? What?

Aww...

It was guaranteed not to shrink!

My best dress. Look!

Let's see.

Oh, there's nothing to let down.

I can't go out like this!

Well, what about the coat?

What am I going to do?

Sell matches.

Aw, poor baby.

I'm sorry.

This hasn't been my day.

God, there have been times

I'd have given my soul

to be able to cry like that.

Oh, I hate it.

You wouldn't if you couldn't do it anymore.

Well.

Now...

Tomorrow, I'll go over and pick up your clothes.

Oh, they won't let you.

They will if I pay your bill.

You can't do that.

Why not? This is that rainy day

I've saved up a few francs for.

Here.

You know what they say.

What?

"Neither a borrower nor a lender be."

"For a loan oft loses both itself and friend."

Exactly.

You were willing to compromise

your virtue for a meatball.

Well, I was out of my mind at the time,

and at least it was something for something.

All right.

We'll make this strictly a business proposition.

I'll charge you a weekly interest

equivalent to the going rate of one meatball.

Oh, damn.

Toddy...

You're sweet and generous.

Exhausted.

How would I ever pay you back?

Well, we'll solve that tomorrow.

In the meantime, I'm giving the orders.

You are going to get into those pajamas and come to bed.

There?

You're welcome to the sofa,

but you have my word of honor

this is much more comfortable

and infinitely safer.

Oh, god.

There's nothing more inconvenient

than an old queen with a head cold.

I won't be long.

I resent being treated like a helpless invalid!

Oh, will you keep your mouth shut?

Now, I'll cash the check, pay my hotel bill,

and be back in time to fix lunch.

I can bloody well fix my own lunch.

Not with a fever, you can't.

What makes you so sure I've got a fever?

Because you're burning up, that's why.

I'm naturally warm-blooded.

To be that naturally warm-blooded,

you'd have to be a Saint Bernard.

You look better in Richard's clothes than he does.

Of course, he looks better out of them.

Well?

You're right, you don't have a fever.

In fact, you don't even have a temperature!

Now, leave it there.

Does Richard have a hat?

In the closet.

Toddy?

Richard!

Good morning, Richard. You look like a raccoon.

I came by to pick up my things.

I thought it was to pay me the money

you owed me.

I don't owe you a thing, you pathetic old queer.

Unh!!

You bastard!

Get up!

You get back in bed!

Now...

Next time,

pick on someone your own size.

And don't come back!

Good.

God, my nose.

What happened?

There was a man wearing my clothes.

I think he broke my nose!

Toddy, you're delirious.

Lower your voice.

Toddy... lower.

Toddy.

Caruso, not Chaliapin.

If you don't get back into that bed...

good! When you're angry, it drops naturally.

Think angry.

Oh, my...

oh, god! What an inspiration!

I'm going to get a doctor.

Victoria, it will work!

Oh, toddy, it will not.

If you listen to me and do exactly as I say,

in six weeks You'll be the toast of Paris,

and we will both be very rich.

Oh... Very, very,

very rich. But, oh, my god.

Think! No more bath light opera company.

Well, of cour...

no more mikado and seedy tenors.

Yes, but...

caviar instead of meatballs!

Where are you going?

To get some scissors!

People believe what they see,

and this afternoon,

Andre Cassell is going to meet

Europe's greatest female impersonator.

Andre Cassell

is the biggest agent in Paris.

If I'm the greatest,

why hasn't he heard of me?

You're the greatest, but you're unknown,

except in Poland.

Poland?

You're count Grazinsky, Polish aristocrat,

and you speak very little English.

Your family disowned you

when they discovered you were gay.

Oh, now, wait a minute.

We met in Warsaw, fell in love,

and I brought you to Paris.

Ah, hold it!

What's wrong?

What's wrong? What's right?

A woman pretending to be a man

pretending to be a woman?

Ridiculous.

It's preposterous!

In fact, it's so preposterous,

no one would ever believe it.

And yet, you expect them to believe count...

What's his name?

Grazinsky.

Grazinsky, a gay Polish

female impersonator?

Darling, All anyone has to believe

is that you're a man.

To convince an audience that an illusion is real,

the magician creates a plausible diversion.

Count Grazinsky is our plausible diversion.

Toddy, no audience is that gullible.

They'll know he's a phony.

Right.

Well?

They'll know he's a phony.

Toddy, I don't know how to act like a man.

Contrary to the popular conception

of how a man acts,

there are All sorts of men

who act in All sorts of ways.

I mean, as opposed to the way women act.

I am personally acquainted

with at least a dozen men

who act exactly like women

and vice versa.

There are just some things that are naturally masculine!

Name one.

Peeing standing up.

Ha ha. on the other hand, there's absolutely no rule

that says a man can't sit down.

Men have Adam's apples.

So do some women.

Name one.

Nana Lanoux.

What?

Taxi!

Nana Lanoux? Who's she?

The last woman I slept with.

When was that?

The night before the morning I decided to become a homosexual.

Very dashing.

I can't wear this All the time.

Why not? It might set a fashion.

Did miss Lanoux have a big Adam's apple?

Like a coconut!

Good morning.

Would you please tell Mr. Cassell

that Carroll Todd is here?

Why?

Why?

If you don't have an appointment

with Mr. Cassell,

why should I tell him you're here?

Because Mr. Cassell and I are very close friends,

and if you tell him I'm here,

he'll want to see me.

That's not very complicated, is it?

Being a very close friend,

I'm surprised you don't know

that every Wednesday at this time,

Mr. Cassell has his hair cut,

and he never sees anyone,

including his very close friends.

We'll wait.

You're wasting your time.

Oh, no. You are wasting it.

Mr. Cassell.

No. Miss Selma.

No, I mean I wish to see Mr. Cassell.

No.

I am Leclou,

the world's greatest equilibrist.

On Wednesdays,

Mr. Cassell only sees Giannini,

the world's greatest barber.

Very well, then.

If Mr. Cassell cannot see me,

then I shall perform...

For you.

What are you doing?

Get off!

Will you get off?

Get off that desk!

Will you get off?

Hello, Andre.

Toddy, what the devil...

Andre, I think it's very important

that you meet count Victor Grazinsky.

Who the hell is count Victor Grazinsky?

Surely, you're joking. The count

is Europe's greatest female impersonator.

I've never heard of him. And in All modesty,

if I haven't heard of him,

he can hardly be Europe's greatest anything.

Count, would you demonstrate?

Certainly.

♪ Aaaaahhh ♪

Eeeaaugh!

What the hell?

Count, with your voice and my connections,

you're going to get rich,

and I'm going to get richer.

To a long and profitable relationship.

Now, when can you open?

Where?

Here?

Here?

Here?

Six weeks.

Excellent.

Here.

♪ ...they knew it ♪

♪ It was whizzin' round the world ♪

♪ The world was ready for a new kind of music ♪

♪ And now they play it ♪

♪ From steamboat Springs ♪

♪ To la Paz ♪

♪ 'Bout 20 years ago, way down... ♪

Try a tone lower.

O.K....

♪ 'bout 20 years ago... ♪

No. Try a third.

A third?

All right.

♪ 'Bout 20 years ago... ♪

Perfect.

That's just low enough to be a touch masculine.

Now, when you're dancing, remember...

make it broader, with tons of shoulder.

Remember, you're a drag queen!

♪ When you play me ♪

♪ Le jazz hot, baby ♪

♪ You're holding my soul together ♪

♪ Don't know whether it's morning or night... ♪

He's fantastic.

He's a phony.

What do you mean?

If he's a Polish count,

I'm Greta Garbo.

Well, Greta, whatever he is,

I think he's divine.

♪ 'Cause I love my jazz hot ♪

Oh, god, I'll never make it.

Now listen to me. From the beginning,

we've had two major obstacles to overcome.

My bosom.

First, to convince everyone that you're a man.

Now, so far, we've done that.

It's been damned uncomfortable.

What has?

Strapping down my bosom.

Now All you've got to do is get out there

and show them what a great entertainer you are,

and You'll be a star for the next 20 years.

Toddy, if I have to strap down my bosom

for the next 20 years,

they're going to end up looking like two empty wallets.

Sit up.

Then what?

Stand up.

Oh, sit up, stand up, throw up.

Now, you are not going to be sick!

Not if I faint first.

We've got a full house.

I sent out 300 invitations,

and everyone's turned up

except king Marchand.

Who's king Marchand?

Well, among other things, he happens to be

the most successful night club owner in Chicago.

And the other things?

Oh, nothing worth mentioning, if you want to stay alive.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the night club is proud to present

the one and only Victoria!

♪ 'Bout 20 years ago ♪

♪ Way down in New Orleans ♪

♪ A group of fellas found a new kind of music ♪

♪ And they decided to call it ♪

♪ Jazz ♪

♪ No other sound has what this music has ♪

♪ Before they knew it ♪

♪ It was whizzin' round the world ♪

♪ The world was ready for a blue kind of music ♪

♪ And now they play it ♪

♪ From steamboat Springs to la Paz ♪

♪ Oh, baby, won't you play me ♪

♪ Le jazz hot maybe? ♪

♪ And don't ever let it end ♪

♪ I tell you, friend ♪

♪ It's really something to hear ♪

♪ I can't sit still ♪

♪ When there's that rhythm near me ♪

♪ Also, baby ♪

♪ Le jazz hot may be ♪

♪ What's holding my soul together ♪

♪ Don't know whether it's morning or night ♪

♪ Only know it's soundin' right ♪

♪ So, come on in and play me ♪

♪ Le jazz hot, baby ♪

♪ 'Cause I love my jazz ♪

♪ Hot! ♪

♪ Before they knew it ♪

♪ It was whizzin' round the world ♪

♪ The world was ready for a new kind of music ♪

♪ And now they play it ♪

♪ From steamboat Springs to la Paz ♪

She's a winner.

♪ When you play me ♪

♪ Le jazz hot, baby ♪

♪ You're holding my soul together ♪

♪ Don't know whether it's morning or night ♪

♪ Only know it's soundin' right ♪

♪ So, come on in and play me ♪

♪ Le jazz hot, baby ♪

♪ 'Cause I love my jazz hot ♪

♪ Le ♪

♪ Jazz ♪

♪ Hoooottt ♪

Le jazz hot!

Bravo! Bravo!

Bravo!

Brava.

Bravo! Bravo!

Bravo! Bravo!

Watch this.

It's a guy!

Yay!

Yay!

Yay!

Excuse me. Pardon us.

Pardon me. Pardon me.

Excuse me. Pardon me.

Come on, dear.

I hope six, eight weeks,

something like that.

Hi.

Hello.

Oh, I'm Norma Cassady.

You were just grand.

Thank you.

Oh, and, uh, this is king Marchand.

How do you do? How do you do?

I've got to admit for a while there,

I was really cheesed off.

King's tongue was hanging out a foot.

Then, you know when you took that wig off,

I just couldn't believe it!

King still doesn't.

I'm flattered.

I'm delighted you could make it,

Mr. Marchand.

Oh, thank you.

May I introduce Mr. Todd?

It's a pleasure.

How do you do? This is miss Cassady.

Mademoiselle.

Enchanted.

Oh! Me, too.

Well, what do you think of our new star?

He thinks he's a phony.

Oh, I think she's very talented.

But he doesn't think you're a man.

I'll tell her what I think.

"Her." See?

Norma...

What?

Mingle.

Oh. Sure.

Care to, um...

Care to mingle with me, Mr. Todd?

Miss Cassady,

excluding Victor's performance,

mingling with you

may well turn out to be

the highlight of the evening.

I just love Frenchmen!

Oh, so do I.

I'll get you a drink.

Well, thank you.

You were saying, Mr. Marchand?

Well, I...

I just find it hard to believe

that you're a man.

Because you found me attractive as a woman?

Yes, as a matter of fact.

It happens frequently.

Not to me.

It just proves the old adage...

there's a first time for everything.

I don't think so.

But you're not 100% sure.

Practically.

Ah, but to a man like you...

someone who believes

he could never under any circumstances

find another man attractive,

the margin between practically and for sure

must be as wide as the Grand Canyon.

If you were a man, I'd knock your block off.

And prove that you're a man.

That's a woman's argument.

Your problem, Mr. Marchand,

is that you're preoccupied

with stereotypes.

I think it's as simple as...

you're one kind of man,

I'm another.

And what kind are you?

One that doesn't have to prove it

to myself...

Or anyone.

Excuse me.

Thank you.

I...You're kidding!

You... you really are queer?

Oh! We prefer gay.

Oh, but you're so... Attractive.

Well, I just think it's a terrible waste.

You know what I think?

What?

I think that the right woman could reform you.

You know, I think the right woman

could reform you, too.

Oh! Me give up men? Forget it!

You took the words right out of my mouth.

Norma?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I still think it's a terrible waste.

Well, if it's any consolation,

I assure you it is not wasted.

Norma.

What? Jeez...

Au revoir.

Me, too.

Come on. Get out of my way. Go on.

See you in church.

Don't ever leave me alone like that again.

What did you think of king Marchand?

King Marchand is an arrogant, opinionated,

chauvinistic pain in the ass.

I think I could fall in love with him.

I think I could, too.

I'm tellin' ya, he's gay.

I know All about it.

We had a long talk.

They met in Poland or something,

and he brought him to Paris,

and he's making him a big star.

They're lovers.

And I know why you don't want to believe it.

Can I give you a lift to your hotel?

That's kind of you, but...

we'd be delighted.

Hotel?

Why not?

I heard you, Norma. I heard you.

I just don't know what you're so burned up about.

Thank you.

I mean, it was a perfectly natural mistake.

Knock it off, Norma.

Well, squash thought he was a woman.

If you think about it, it's really very funny.

He isn't bad-looking,

but I knew he was a man right away.

It's the padding.

I don't care how clever those costumes are.

I mean, there are just some things you cannot fake.

I mean even with All those hormone shots

and everything, a real woman can always tell.

Can you imagine

what Sal Andretti would say

if he knew his partner fell

for a female impersonator? Huh?

Check under the bed?

Yes.

Now...

I know he's supposed to protect you,

but does he have to stay in the same suite with us?

I mean, I just keep expecting him to break in

while we're, uh, we're making love.

He'd only do that if he heard something unusual,

like if I got excited.

Well, you... You big jerk...

listen to me, you creep.

You mind your own business...

Good evening, sir.

Good evening.

Thank you, Andre.

Good night, toddy.

Victor, get some sleep.

Toddy, this is the Marceau.

Where are you going?

Up.

Entrez!

That's far enough.

Toddy, what are you up to?

Toddy?

Ta-da!

Holy Merde.

Toddy, when did we move?

During dress rehearsal.

But what if I'd flopped?

Ooh, then, we would have ordered a sumptuous meal,

charged it to room service, drunk the champagne...

compliments of the management...

and jumped out the window.

Which is why I chose a three-star hotel

and specifically requested accommodations

above the third floor.

Monsieur.

Oh, toddy.

Oh, the bathroom is a religious experience.

I can hardly wait.

Ohh... When can we afford another bedroom?

As soon as we're sure you're not just a flash in the pan.

My god!

Besides, one bedroom, one bed,

promotes the illusion that we're lovers.

If for some reason

we decide we'd rather sleep apart,

there's more than enough room

for one of us in the bathtub.

Yeah. And if we have an overnight guest,

he can always stretch out in the bidet.

Right.

I love you.

I love you, too, sir.

♪ Da-da da dah ♪

Hey!

Aren't you coming to bed?

King...

Pookie...

I'm horny.

O.K. All right.

♪ Oh, give me a home ♪

♪ Where the buffalo roam ♪

♪ And the deer and the antelope... ♪

♪ Are gay ♪

♪ Where seldom is heard ♪

♪ A discouraging word ♪

Obviously a music lover.

I dare you to hit high "c".

Well, I will if you will.

If I could, I would be the star,

and you would still be trying

to swap your virtue for a meatball.

Speaking of virtue...

yecch.

Were you serious about king Marchand?

Were you?

I asked you first.

That's an infantile evasion.

O.K.

I find him extremely attractive.

Check.

In fact, I wouldn't mind having an affair with him.

I'll buy that.

You know...

Pretending to be a man has its disadvantages.

My dear count... You just said

a cottonpickin' mouthful.

Pookie...

It's no big deal.

It happens to everyone.

Men, I mean.

We're lucky.

Women, I mean.

We can fake it if we have to.

Oh! Oh, don't get me wrong.

I never have with you.

Faked it, I mean.

With you,

it's... it's like pow! Pow! Pow!

Like the fourth of July.

Every time.

Just tonight,

because you couldn't get it...

up till now, it's been grand.

Pookie, really, really grand.

And if there's one thing

I know for sure,

you can't let it get you...

you should excuse the expression...

down.

You can't think about it.

You just got to put it out of your mind.

I mean, the more you think about it,

the more you worry.

The more you worry, the more you think.

Think, worry... umm... It's soft.

Worry, think...

It's... it just gets like a vicious cycle.

And then, before you know it,

you are impudent.

What's with the soap?

Arghh!

Look out!

You son of a bitch!

Now, Norma...

No! Nobody puts soap in my mouth!

Not even... not even my mother!

You're being very childish.

I'm going to kill him. I'm going to kill you, too.

You big, musclebound... Ooh!

Listen, you have to learn to control yourself.

Gahh!

Shit!

This is it! Let me... Aah!

You and your ideas.

"Why don't you take her to Paris with you, boss?"

I just thought she'd help you relax.

She'd never help me relax.

Well, then, send her home.

Why don't you ever come up with a really good idea?

For instance?

You send her home.

He thinks he can just push me around.

Thinks I'm just going to hop

on the next boat for the states

and that'll be that.

Well, you've got another think coming,

Mr. big shot fairy Marchand,

'cause Mrs. Cassady's little girl Norma

ain't gonna take this one lying down.

And don't kid yourself!

You ain't seen the last of me yet!

Are you O.K.?

♪ La la la la la-♪

♪ Ia la la ♪

♪ la la la la la ♪

♪ -♪

♪ la-la la la-♪

♪ There was once a shady dame from Seville ♪

♪ Used to wander round the town dressed to kill ♪

♪ And men, if they dared ♪

♪ Stood and stared when she passed their way ♪

♪ The lady knocked them out ♪

♪ There's no doubt, 'cause they'd shout ♪

♪ Ole! ♪

♪ All day ♪

♪ Seville isn't that much to shout about ♪

♪ But when she was out ♪

♪ Traffic stood still ♪

♪ Dressed like a vamp ♪

♪ Or a Pamplona tramp ♪

♪ She could stampede the menfolk at will ♪

Aiee! Ole!

♪ One day came a world-famous matador ♪

♪ Rat-tat at her door ♪

♪ Bearing a rose ♪

♪ If he distressed her ♪

♪ Disturbing her siesta ♪

♪ It's best to say nobody knows ♪

♪ The rest of the tale's not a pretty one ♪

♪ Pity one isn't for sale ♪

♪ Only two ears and a tail ♪

♪ Did they find by the blind on her sill ♪

♪ No one knows what became ♪

♪ Of the shady dame ♪

♪ la la la--♪

♪ La da da--♪

♪ la la la-♪

♪ La ♪

♪ The shady dame ♪

♪ From Seville ♪

Ole! Ole!

Do you believe this weather?

I thought we left Chicago.

Would you see

that count Grazinsky gets this, please?

Yes, sir.

Count Grazinsky.

Yes, sir. 432.

Right.

Oh, hi, Norma!

That's really funny. Good night, squash.

Good night, boss.

Give me the housekeeper, please.

I thought you were going to bed.

I think I'm having an anxiety attack.

Oh, you, uh, better get some sleep.

I may want to get up in the morning

and play some golf.

Boss, it's snowing outside.

We'll use red balls.

Yes. Uh, this is mister, uh...

King Marchand.

Mr. Todd in suite 432.

Would you be kind enough to have a maid

bring up some extra towels, please?

Oui, monsieur.

Thank you so much.

Monsieur?

Bonsoir.

Bonsoir, monsieur Todd.

C'est pour Le Comte.

Merci.

The concierge gave me this, but there's nothing on it.

Oh, mustn't forget.

Important photography session in the morning.

What's funny?

Watch the birdie!

Oh, I don't think I've been this tired in my whole life.

Oh, you're still a young man.

But not for long.

All I want is a nice, hot bath.

Oh, I had one once. You'll love it!

♪ Won't you play me ♪

♪ That jazz hot, baby? ♪

Toddy...

♪ Sorry ♪

♪ Oh, give me a home ♪

♪ Where the buffalo roam ♪

♪ Where the deer and the antelope play ♪

♪ Where seldom is heard ♪

♪ Ya da da da dum dum ♪

Ohh... I know this is ridiculous,

I don't think I'm going to be able to sleep,

I'm so tired.

I'll get you a cognac.

That'll help me sleep?

No, but it makes staying awake

a hell of a lot more fun.

♪ And the deer and the antelope are gay ♪

♪ Where seldom is heard ♪

♪ A discouraging word ♪

Here. Guaranteed to lift your spirits

and warm your cockles.

That's my trouble.

I don't have any cockles.

Ha ha ha. You hungry?

No, thanks. I'm too tired.

What the...

What?

Who is this?

Ohh, I could sleep for a week.

What?

I can't understand you.

What?

What room did you want?

Who?

No, I am not señor Gomez from Barcelona.

And unless he's hiding under my bed,

you have the wrong room.

What the hell...

Why did you open the window?

Forget it. Go to sleep.

It's freezing.

Yeah. Small wonder.

Oh, damn.

I left the light on in the other room.

What?

You got the floor All wet.

Bitch, bitch, bitch.

Do you have heat in your room?

Yeah.

Boy, you're lucky.

♪ Trendy travelers tend to talk ♪

♪ Of London ♪

♪ Paris ♪

♪ Rome, New York ♪

♪ Like only they were stylish and unique ♪

♪ But out in the Midwest ♪

♪ Is the city I love the best ♪

♪ A town so smart ♪

♪ Its spelling starts with c-h-i-c ♪

♪ Chic! ♪

♪ Chicago, Illinois ♪

♪ Is like a shiny toy ♪

♪ The prairie state is proud to state ♪

♪ That it's its pride and joy ♪

♪ The windy city sweeps you clean off your feet ♪

♪ Its charm is complete ♪

♪ Wow! They're knocking you flat this way and that ♪

♪ On every downtown street ♪

♪ The white sox and the cubs ♪

♪ And All the sporting clubs ♪

♪ Make living here a pretty nifty ploy ♪

♪ Smack on the lake, this is a rare port ♪

♪ Someday, they'll say ♪

♪ We'll have an airport! ♪

Yeah!

♪ When they say ♪

♪ "Hey, I'm from chi" ♪

♪ They mean Chicago, Il-la... ♪

♪ Nois! ♪

♪ Chicago, Illinois ♪

♪ Is like a shiny toy ♪

♪ The prairie state is proud to state ♪

♪ That it's its pride and joy ♪

♪ The windy city sweeps you clean off your feet ♪

♪ Oh! It's charm is complete ♪

♪ They're knocking you flat, this way and that ♪

♪ On every downtown street ♪

♪ The white sox and the cubs ♪

♪ And All the sporting clubs ♪

♪ Make living here a pretty nifty ploy ♪

♪ Smack on the lake, this is a rare port ♪

♪ Someday, they'll say ♪

♪ We'll have an airport ♪

♪ When they say ♪

♪ "Hey, I'm from chi" ♪

♪ They mean Chicago, Il-la... ♪

♪ Chicago is a Killa ♪

♪ They mean Chicago, Il-la... ♪

♪ C ♪

♪ H ♪

♪ I ♪

♪ C ♪

♪ A ♪

♪ G ♪

♪ O! ♪

♪ Illinois ♪

Hi, Sal.

Thanks for coming by.

Norma, what's on your mind?

It-t-t-t's...

It-t-t-t's...

King!

Shacking up with another dame.

No. Another guy.

Oh, it's so terrible.

I just...

Run that by me again.

Well, there's this Polish fairy, you see?

Even when I was a second-rate soprano,

I had a proper dresser.

You had a proper dresser

who could swear that you were

a second-rate soprano,

and not a first-class impostor.

You trust my dressmaker.

And he trusts me not to reveal certain things

that would be very embarrassing

to his wife and six children.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

Shame is an unhappy emotion

invented by pietists

in order to exploit the human race.

Who said that?

I said that.

You don't believe in shame?

I believe in happiness.

Comrades.

King Marchand has just offered me a fortune

for you to appear at his club.

Would you please

be more specific with your nouns?

$10,000 a week.

That's not a noun. That's a fortune.

He wants to have dinner with you after the show.

You think you could make it?

Oh, I think so.

I'll tell him.

$10,000 a week, 10 weeks guaranteed.

We are on our way.

♪ I know what you're thinking ♪

And you ought to be ashamed of yourself.

To the count's opening night in Chicago.

To the closing night, may it never come.

Do you mind if I ask you a personal question,

Mr. Marchand?

He will whether you mind or not.

I worry more about answers than questions.

It's rather obvious that Mr. Bernstein

is on hand to ensure your continued good health.

That's not a question.

Why is he sitting way over there?

Strategic.

Ah. Broader field of vision,

clearer field of fire.

You must have been in the army.

Once or twice.

Do you mind if I join him? He looks so lonely.

No, I don't mind.

I promise not to inhibit his field of fire.

Incorrigible.

How long have you known Mr. Todd?

Oh, a long time.

May I ask you a personal question?

A clever man once said,

"it's not the questions

I'm worried about."

What's the attraction?

Would you believe me

if I told you we were in love?

No.

Because homosexuality

is unnatural and a sin?

According to whom?

Oh, pious clergymen

and terrified heterosexuals.

Oh, them.

You're smiling,

and I don't believe you.

And you're not smiling, and you should be.

I think I'd better go wash my hands.

Excuse me.

Do you ever get the feeling sometimes

that you're a sinking ship?

Constantly.

Ah, now, there. You're smiling.

You light up when you smile.

That's a funny thing to say.

How do you mean?

I mean, one man to another.

Seems toddy and Mr. Bernstein

have found something in common.

Yeah, uh...

Cassell was telling me that, uh...

Mr. Todd was the headliner at Chez lui.

You know Chez lui?

No, but I was thinking

that, uh, we might drop by later,

and you could educate me.

I have the feeling that educating you

would be about as redundant

as teaching a lion to like red meat.

Cigar?

May I?

Mmm, please.

Thank you.

Regarde. C'est Victor!

Ah, toddy!

What a pleasure. Come this way, please.

Regarde. C'est Victor!

I have a table for you.

The best, of course.

This is a delight.

Ah, Victor!

Please, a bottle of champagne.

Thank you.

Take this bottle over to that table.

Those are very special guests.

Encore!

Encore!

My friends...

My friends, tonight I am happy and honored

to have with us one of the great entertainers

of our time...

the toast of Paris...

Victor!

Perhaps Victor...

Perhaps Victor will honor us

with a song.

Give us a "g" with your left hand, Sid.

♪ You ♪

♪ And me ♪

♪ We're the kind of people ♪

♪ Other people ♪

♪ Would like to be ♪

♪ Wanderin' free ♪

♪ We present the kind of picture ♪

♪ People are glad to see ♪

Something I've wanted in All my life.

♪ And we don't care ♪

♪ That tomorrow comes with ♪

♪ No guarantee ♪

♪ We've each other ♪

♪ For company ♪

♪ And come what may ♪

♪ You and me, we'll stay together ♪

Me Harmony.

♪ Year after year ♪

♪ Won't we, my dear? ♪

♪ We'll always be you and me ♪

Walk this way.

Taught him everything he knows.

That's why he has so little left.

Oh, I'll get you for that.

♪ You ♪

♪ And me ♪

♪ Yadada ♪

Very difficult step.

Oh, such a fuss!

Oh, yeah.

This way, please.

♪ Wanderin' free ♪

Sorry about that.

That was fun, now what do we do?

You got us into this. You get us out.

May I?

I'd be delighted.

♪ Tomorrow comes with ♪

♪ No guarantee ♪

You're leading again.

Oh, I'm sorry!

♪ We've each other ♪

♪ For company ♪

♪ And come what may ♪

This is the place!

We had to come here?

Don't argue with me.

Shut up! Shh!

Shush yourself!

Waiter!

What are we supposed to do, just stand here?

Didn't you reserve a table?

Of course I reserved a table!

Let's sit down.

Please! Victor!

I don't care if it's Noel frigging coward!

This way. This way.

This way.

♪ ...me ♪

My god!

You rotten bastard!

You get away from him!

Aah! Take your hands off me!

No!

You?

Everybody, this is a respectable place!

My...

I'm so sorry!

So am I!

No, please! Stop!

♪ Aaaaah! ♪

Cockroach!

Halt! Halt!

I don't care if you are a man.

I'm...

Not a man.

I still don't care.

Cockroach! Cockroach!

I've never seen you before in my life.

Oh, my god. I'm s...

I thought...

I'm really sorry.

Honestly, I'm...

I'm sorry.

Squash?

Squash?

Hey, squash, look,

I know what you're thinking.

No, you don't.

In one fell swoop,

you've changed my whole life.

It wasn't that kind of swoop.

Listen, boss...

If a guy like you has got the guts

to admit he's gay...

So can I.

You've made me so happy.

Ha! You know, I...

What's wrong?

Oh, nothing, nothing.

I'm finding this trip to Paris

a little more...

Bizarre than usual.

Thanks a lot.

Oh, oh, not you. No.

It's not you.

Why not me?

I mean, a woman pretending to be a man pretending...

you can stop pretending.

And do what?

Be yourself.

And what's that?

What do you mean?

You're a woman in love with a man.

Yes.

Are we communicating?

You said a woman in love with a man,

but you didn't finish.

O.K., what's the finish?

A woman in love with a man,

pretending to be a man...

I said you can stop pretending.

But you see, I don't think I want to.

I'm a big star now. I'm a success.

Oh, that.

And something more.

I find it All really fascinating.

I mean, there are things available to me as a man

that I could never have as a woman.

I'm emancipated.

Emancipated?

Well, I'm my own man, so to speak.

Oh, you should be able to relate to that.

Well, to be honest with you,

right now, I'm having a little trouble

relating to anything.

Look, if we're to have any kind of future together,

it's important that you understand.

I want to understand.

Well, you think it would be fair for me to ask you

to give up your job?

It would be ridiculous.

But you expect me to give up mine.

There's a difference, for Christ's sake.

Right, but there shouldn't be.

Look, I'm not the one

pretending to be someone else.

Let's put the shoe on the other foot.

Let's say that you're a man,

and I'm a woman

pretending to be a man.

Well, I think it would depend a whole lot

on why you were pretending.

Oh, come on now, Victoria, you said

it's important that I understand.

It's important that you understand, too.

Certainly.

Love is a two-way street.

Why did I say that?

I don't know, but what's your point?

Uh, you said if we were going to have

any kind of future,

what do you mean by future?

Live together?

Possibly.

Sleep together?

Hopefully.

While you keep on working?

Yes.

Pretending to be a man.

If I didn't, I wouldn't have a job.

Uh-huh. While we're living

and sleeping together,

what's everybody going to think?

I guess they're going to think that you're living

and sleeping with a man.

How do you feel about that?

Well, they're going to think the same thing about me.

But you're a woman!

Yeah, but they don't know that.

You do!

And you know you're a man!

I don't see the difference.

We'd be living a damn lie.

I don't think

that's what's really bothering you.

If you think I'm worried

about everybody thinking I'm a fag,

you're right.

So we have a problem.

I guess we have.

Well, it's probably for the best.

That's as bad

as "love is a two-way street."

What it lacks in originality,

it makes up for in prophecy.

Sooner or later, I'd probably ask you

to stop being a gangster because I was worried

about everyone thinking I was your moll.

I am not a gangster.

Just a businessman with a bodyguard.

A businessman

who does business with gangsters

and doesn't have a bodyguard

is soon out of business.

A businessman who does business with gangsters

and pretends he's not a gangster

sounds a lot like the kind of act I do.

I think we're both pretenders,

and that's not a very good basis

for a relationship.

Oh, but it was fun while it lasted.

Have a nice evening?

Up to a point.

What happened to you?

Oh, nothing much. We were All arrested.

Andre called his lawyer, who bailed us out.

You remember Mr. Bernstein.

Count Grazinsky.

Mr. Bernstein.

Hey, squash, can I ask you

a personal question?

Go ahead.

How long... i mean...

Exactly when did you know about, uh...

When did I know I was gay?

Yeah.

God, I can't remember when I wasn't.

I've known you for 15 years.

You knew a lot of guys, boss.

You'd be surprised.

You were an All-American.

I never saw a meaner, rougher,

tougher, son-of-a-bitch football player

in All my life.

Listen, if you didn't want the guys

to call you queer,

you became a rough, tough,

son-of-a-bitchin' football player.

Why don't you watch where you're going, huh?

He says it was your fault

and, uh, suggests that you apologize.

Oh, he does.

Come on.

No, no, no, no.

Well, you tell him if he'd like an apology,

he can just get him some gloves,

and I'll see him in the ring.

Just give him 10 minutes.

He will be delighted to oblige.

Oh, he will, huh?

He'd be delighted to oblige.

Who the hell does he think he is?

Guy Langois,

the French middleweight boxing champion.

But don't worry.

He's gay.

♪ The shady dame ♪

♪ From Seville ♪

Ole! Ole!

Mr. Bernstein.

Count.

I think we should try living together.

Your place or mine?

Monsieur Labisse?

Yes?

You called.

I am Charles Bovin, private investigator.

Good. There is something

I want you to find out for me.

At your service.

Be careful.

Monsieur, I'm always careful.

That stool is broken.

It is?

Penny.

Oh, nothing.

Ah, a lot of things, I guess.

I want to make a deal.

No secrets,

no grudge collecting.

If something bothers us,

we say so, O.K.?

O.K.

And we don't plan past tomorrow.

Just...

Take it a day at a time.

Deal.

♪ Crazy world ♪

♪ Full of crazy contradictions like a child ♪

♪ First you drive me wild ♪

♪ And then you win my heart with your wicked art ♪

♪ One minute tender ♪

♪ Gentle ♪

♪ Then temperamental as a summer storm ♪

♪ Just when I believe your heart's getting warmer ♪

♪ You're cold, and you're cruel ♪

♪ And I, like a fool, try to cope ♪

♪ Try to hang on ♪

♪ To hope ♪

♪ Crazy world ♪

♪ Every day, the same old roller coaster ride ♪

♪ But I've got my pride ♪

♪ I won't give in ♪

♪ Even though ♪

♪ I know I'll never win ♪

♪ Oh, how I love this ♪

♪ Crazy world ♪

Bravo!

Bravo, Victor!

He's got a good right hand, and he doesn't use it!

Oh, there's the right!

There's the right.

I told you! He's got him.

Hook him! Hook him! Hook him! Hook him!

Ah, go get him!

All right, All right!

He's got him!

Is something wrong?

Oh, we've had dinner in the hotel

every night for a week now.

Well, when we go out after the show,

you're usually so tired, you spend the next day sleeping.

This way, we go to bed reasonably early,

and we can spend a few afternoons together.

Do you know what I'd really love to do?

What?

Skip a few afternoons

and go dancing.

Dancing?

Let's go.

Take her back to the hotel.

I'll see you later.

Hey, boss...

just do what I tell you, O.K.?

I'll be All right, go on.

I just wanted to go dancing.

Yeah, well, I guess if two guys

wanted to go dancing together,

that'd be a little unorthodox

at the Ritz.

I guess the problem is,

we're not really two guys.

Yeah, I guess that is the problem.

Stop, driver. Back up.

Milk.

Cow's milk, monsieur,

or mother's milk?

How about your sister's?

Oh, shit.

You're early.

Seems like I'm a bachelor again.

Oh, it was just as well.

Mr. Bernstein was beginning

to make a permanent dent

in the mattress.

Oh, toddy...

I'm very much in love,

and I don't know what to do.

Here.

I can't stand to see a grown man cry.

♪ Sweet Adeline ♪

♪ Sweet Adeline ♪

Good.

♪ My Adeline ♪

♪ My Adeline ♪

You got it!

♪ Your fair face beams ♪

♪ Your fair face beams ♪

♪ In All my dreams ♪

You're real lucky, boss.

Lucky?

Yeah, you're lucky you didn't break anything.

I couldn't feel any worse

if I broke everything.

You ever seen so many bruises?

Yeah. on a whole football team.

Feel like I spent the night

in a cement mixer.

Hello, faggot.

Oh, I knew things

were going too good to last.

Hold it.

Now, head up just a touch.

Herr Victor doesn't look very well.

Oh, it's nothing serious.

A few nights flat on his back

under a specialist,

and he'll be as good as new.

Good.

Victor, darling, do you think

you could possibly manage to look

a little less... Funereal?

Rene, darling?

Yes?

Why don't you go suck an egg?

I do wish you'd think about it.

I have thought about it, toddy.

For the past two weeks, I've spent

a great deal of time thinking about it.

And for the seven hours

I couldn't sleep last night,

I thought about it constantly.

So I've come to the conclusion

that it's just not worth it.

I am very unhappy in the extreme,

and I don't have to be because there is an alternative.

Tonight will be

count Victor Grazinsky's final performance,

and tomorrow, I shall announce to the world

that I am really Victoria Grant,

who may one day be lucky enough

to celebrate her womanhood

as Mrs. king Marchand.

Well?

Well, what? You've made up your mind.

I want your blessing.

Can I answer the door first?

I got a problem.

Welcome.

What's wrong, Mr. Bernstein?

King's partner Sal Andretti

showed up with a couple of his torpedoes.

Sal put up the money for the club,

but, uh, the mob doesn't consider homosexuality

an acceptable life style.

Kill him, but mustn't kiss him.

Let's go, Mr. Bernstein.

Let's go, Mr. Bernstein.

Ooohhhhh...

Your lawyer looked, says it's O.K.

That's reassuring. How is my lawyer?

Picture of health.

Lipstick and a nightgown?

What, do you take turns being the girl?

That is disgusting.

I know. It's awful.

Jesus, king. A guy like you?

We grew up together.

Yeah, that probably had something to do with it.

Come on, Sal, you know my half

is worth 10 times that much.

Yeah. Sign the paper.

Hello, darling.

Ick!

Hi, Sal.

Who the hell are you?

Just remember your blood pressure, Nummy.

This is the count.

Nummy?

This is Mr. toddy.

They were lovers before, uh... Ahem,

Pookie showed up.

That is disgusting!

They're perverted.

Pookie?

Can I have a word with you, Norma?

What's it that you need?

It's very important.

Get your mitts off me!

It's going to change your whole life.

Sal! Get this... aah!

Freeze.

What... what's going... What are you doing?

Oh, my god.

What is hap...

What are you... Oh, god!

What is happening?

Wait!

Lock the door.

What's going on in there?

You know, you guys are in a lot of trouble.

You two-timing son of a bitch!

He's a woman!

Labisse is on his way here with the police.

He claims you're not a man.

Stay there.

Yes?

I am inspector Bernheim.

Yes?

Stand aside.

I know All about your count Grazinsky,

and when the inspector

has exposed the impostor...

impostor?

Yes impostor! You will All be arrested

for perpetrating a public fraud!

Please, inspector.

Well?

You idiot!

What?

That's a man.

Oh, it can't be.

No? Well, when I walked in, the person in that room

was naked from the waist down.

And if that was a woman, then she was wearing

the greatest disguise that I have ever seen!

Wait! There is something wrong!

It can't be!

I hired a private detective...

Hurry.

Ladies and gentlemen,

once again, the night club is proud to present

the one, the only... Victoria!

♪ la-la la la la la ♪

♪ la la la ♪

♪ la-♪

♪ la-♪

♪ la-♪

♪ la la la la ♪

♪ la la la la la la la la ♪

♪ La ♪

♪ la-♪

♪ There was once a shady dame from Seville ♪

♪ Used to wander round the town dressed to kill ♪

♪ And men, if they dared, stood and stared ♪

♪ When she passed their way ♪

♪ The lady knocked them out ♪

♪ There's no doubt ♪

♪ 'Cause they'd shout ♪

♪ Ole! ♪

Oh, Merde.

♪ All day ♪

♪ Seville isn't that much to shout about ♪

♪ But when she was out ♪

♪ Traffic stood still ♪

By god, you did it.

♪ Dressed like a vamp ♪

♪ Or a Pamplona tramp ♪

♪ At will... ♪

Monsieur Labisse, my bill.

Where the hell am I?

Oh, you bastard!

♪ The rest of the tale's not a pretty one ♪

♪ Pity one isn't for sale ♪

♪ Only two ears and a tail ♪

♪ Did they find by the blind on her sill ♪

♪ No one knows what became ♪

♪ Of the shady ♪

♪ Dame ♪

Oh, yes...

Some hit show!

♪ -♪

Is that it?

♪ La-♪

♪ la-♪

♪ Eee ♪

♪ Eee ♪

♪ Lo--♪

♪ The shady daaa... ♪

♪ Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay ♪

You bitches.

♪ A-a-a-a-a-ame ♪

♪ From sev... ♪

¡Ole! Ole!

Bravo!

Bravo!

Bravo!

You were marvelous...

And I never want to see any of you again.

I might as well.

They're the last roses I'll ever see.

Vous.