Original subtitles

Hello, hello.. 3, 2, 1.. Mic testing!

Attention! All of Chandni Chowk's couch potatoes

are hereby invited to Senior Sharma's sweet shop.

We are handing out free Churros.

Get off the phone, you twerp!

Sharma Senior, let the sassy spoon be, here's the mic..

Introduce them to your son!

Friends,

It's a dream of every sweet-maker.

That his son..

Becomes an even bigger sweet-maker...

And that day, has finally come..

I gift my son this sassy spoon.

"Hold it tight my son."

And thus begin the 'making of the sweet-maker ceremony!'

Congratulations Sharma Junior.

Make sure you add beef flavored Churros to the new menu!

He is right!

Lord Phikaner is here! Lord Phikaner is here!

My Sire. My Sire!

You are blessed!

Welcome to our small sweet-maker's community.

Fry till your sweat makes the oil crackle!

Victory to our mother!

Down boy.. Down!

- Sweet boy! - Come!

Fry your first Churros...

- And make me proud! - Sharma Senior!

Please croon your famous sales pitch.

Sharma's Churros.

Ten bucks for two!

Sharma's Churros.

Ten bucks for two!

Sharma's Churros.

Ten bucks for two!

Sharma's Churros.

Ten bucks for two!

Dad!

Can I take a leak?

No problem.

His nerves are acting up.. Go son.. sprinkle hard!

Sharma senior..

Once more please!

Sharma's Churros.

Ten bucks for two!

Sharma's Churros.

I will not make Churros!

So what will you do in Mumbai'?

I will make Films!

Kiddo. We only make religious films.

Like 'Eyes of the good gody god'

'Blades of the good lordy lord'

Super Spider Iron man is equal to HANUMAN!

You got something like that?

I love blowing.. Flutes!

And the one that blows the best.

Gets to make a film..

Handsome!

What is your plan. tonight?

Look kiddo!

Blockbusters are made by stars!

You get those bastards.

I'll get you the film... OK?

- Dude! - One burger!

Shetty Sisters give way to new talent...

Get a story.. Take a film!

Last date of submission 14th February?

Love struck like a hurricane.

Shook the world and gave it pain!

Love struck like a hurricane.

Shook the world and gave it pain!

Stay away from love, the sight is disgusting..

Like a monkey in your bed with a happy ending!

Love struck like a hurricane.

Shook the world and gave it pain!

Stop! I can't clench my butt no more!

You son of your sister!

Do I look like a beggar to you?

Who else will sing in a bus.. Frank Sinatra?

Oh! I wish your mother goes to a brothel!

Do you even know who I am?

I am Paddi Singh!

A very famous folk singer.

Sister with a turtle neck!

I came to Mumbai to show my talent!

But this city is Evil!

Move aside. . Fart face!

Hey bro!

Bro!

Yo..Stinky boy!

Yo..Stinky boy!

What do you want?

Don't be scared brother!

I am an artist just like you

I can see hunger in your eyes!

Do you wanna eat something?

Yes.

Enough Sir! I'll die of high blood pressure.

Eat.

I have been toyed enough by these recording companies!

I am off to my village and back to farming!

Anyway. what do you do?

Well.. I have been trying to make a film.

Only recently someone's face.

Gave me an idea!

Congratulations Sir!

Whose face is it?

Yours!

My face?

You ought to be joking!

No.. No.. It's true.

Look my boy.. you will become a Star!

But this captivating face.. But not by your nightmarish voice.

What is so intriguing about my gorgeous face?

Osama!

You will be the Osama Bin Laden of my film!

One minute Sir!

Listen to me!

Your life will change!

Every street will have your posters!

I'll give you five million rupees in cash too!

Atleast tell me your name?

Singh..

Paddi Singh!

Imagine this Shetty Sisters!

A man wants to become a world famous journalist.

Suddenly, he meets an Osama look alike.

He hatches a plan and releases a fake Osama tape.

Creating a havoc in the world!

By the way.. I have even found an Osama look alike!

Paddi.

Slide In.. Quick!

Stop.

Turn..

- Hey Soul Sisters! - Profile.

Walk.

And the name of this film will be..

'Tere Bin Laden'

AIL.

The shot's ready for an hour!

AIL.

AIL.

Why is he acting so starry.. Is this not his first film as well?

Mind blowing Ali..

One more!

You will not get eggs like mine in the world.

Feel them in your hands!

And cut it!

Location change!

We will make him..

Look like Osama and make a fake tape.

And Action.

Oh all mighty! Save me!

Keep your mouth shut!

Forget the mouth.. What about my eyes?

I'm a method actor.

And I'm doing Osama's make-up in the film.

To prepare myself. I pasted Osama's posters all over my trailer!

I wanna absorb his face!

I haven't written Arabic in this film..

I'm just acting!

I swear on my virginity.. I have nothing against Osama!

Please emphasize this!

Rahul Singh..

Is not a mimicry artist!

I'm an actor.

Well, I do mimic sometimes for fun!

When Sharma begged me to mimic Osama. Out of pity I agreed!

No Sikandan. No...

Cut it! The rooster blew up late..One more!

No Sikandan. No...

Damn it! This time it blew up early.. One more!

Yo bud! Collect the leg pieces.. Might as well have breakfast!

Greetings friends!

Breaking news!

Bollywood film!

Tere Bin Laden. makes a big noise at the box office..

People have accepted the portrayal of a fake Osama in superstar Ali Zafar's debut film..

Is this not Cultural Terrorism?

Our question goes out to the makers of this film about an International Terrorist.

Where is the real Osama?

L, Khaleeli.

Harkat-e-Mansha a.k.a HARMAN Commander of terror group,

Declare open the 'Olympics of Terror'

The winners will become a part of our Suicide Bombing Squad!

Till death blows us apart!

Long Live Harman with a deep bass. Long live Harman's terror!

Long Live Harman squeeze a bomb.. Long live Harman's terror!

Long Live Harman with a booty shake. Long live Harman's terror!

Tvvinke twinkle little stat. Long live Harman's terror!

Up above the world so high.. Long live Harman's terror!

We wish to blast like a big bang. This is our heavenly plan!

Long Live Harman with a deep bass. Long live Harman's terror!

Long Live Harman with a deep bass. Long live Harman's terror!

Long Live Harman with a deep bass. Long live Harman's terror!

Long Live Harman with a deep bass. Long live Harman's terror!

And the gun shot begins the "bomb relay"

Ashraf pocket's the bomb!

Hamid throws it at Jaanu!

And he attains the heaven above!

Hey“.

Kids aren't allowed Cutie!

Really.

Your mother didn't hold the same opinion, when I pounded her recently!

See this. you prick!

NAME: Daaga.

AGE: 35!

I am sorry brother but.

There is a minimum height requirement, for these games!

Now the Landmine Jump. Zoravar takes a huge leap.

Unfortunately, he is a blast from the past!

Now the most awaited game of Olympics of Terror..

The grenade throw!

That's a herculean effort.

Bulla! He will be my personal masseur.

And why are we not shooting here?

This suicide jacket has been personally autographed by Osama!

The winner was to get it.. But none of you are worthy of it!

Sir!

Please. Give me a chance

American Eagle!

Run!

Bulla, help me!

Daddy's on your ass.

God dang. Lucky bastards!

Paddi. Come in!

This party is in our honour..

Straighten your broach.

Sir!

Thank you!

Paddi. Star look..

Can I see your invite?

Invite?

Kiddo... I am the director of this film and this is the star.

'The Paddi.

I don't care if he is the president!

No invite! No entry!

Let me explain..This success party.

Is in my honour..

After all I am the director of this film.

Guard.

Let them come..

They are my film crew!

These guards I tell you.

Paddi.

L-low are things back in the village'?

- Good! - Sharma.

Are you thankful that I made your puny film a blockbuster!

It's a pain to be a star.. These producers don't let you breathe!

Paddi.

If he calls, just tell them 'the boss' is busy.

Yes Boss!

You guys look a bit lost.

First time at a success party.

Don't worry just follow me.

What the hell? Star look!

Hey! Serve this around!

Do I look like a waiter to you? Buzz off!

Ladies and Ladies.

Thanks to your love and my stardom.

Tere Bin Laden is a Hit!

It had to..

That is why the producers,

Shetty Sisters and I announce.

The sequel..

Tere Bin Laden 2!

This time we will do something bigger! A Striptease by India's dancing sensation!

Action.

Drama.

Comedy. Tragedy.

Girls.. Girls.. And Girls.

A bigger canvas!

And an even bigger director.

Like.. Karan Johar!

He's a good looking "jackass".

He's a good looking "jackass".

He's a good looking "jackass".

He's a jackass indeed!

Sir..

I kept giving a star look..

But nobody even recognised me.. And now my eyes hurt!

Paddi.

Nobody cares even if you were a blind street monger!

What about me?!

I gave up everything.

Those dark alleys of Chandini chovvk..

My dad's. Uh..

Flourishing business..

F' ush pars Love Letters!

Now when I was so close to my dream.

Ali swept it from me..

And stole my limelight!

Sir..

Now bury the hatchet.

Screw the sequel!

I don't want to be Osama any more!

Anyway...

You clear my accounts and off I go.. back to my village!

Why are we getting into accounts?

Don't get emotional!

And if you leave this film..

This film can't be made.

If you leave this film..

This film can't be made.

You can leave this film..

But you are not going to leave this film.

So am I doing it or not?

AbottabacL.

Shetty Sisters!

The time is ripe to think big!

Imagine!

Tere Bin Laden franchise.

Tere Bin Laden TV series..

Toys“.

Cartoons.

Comics. Video Games.

Tere Bin Laden sequel..

Prequel to the sequel..

Sequel to the prequel..

And finally remakes of all of them in Hollywood!

And the face of this franchise.

The brand ambassador.

The Paddi!

Aka... Osama.

Shetty Sisters.

I will definitely do this sequel..

But now I want to become a superstan.

So I demand that you kick Ali out ..

Fire him!

Sir..

They are nodding their heads vigorously..

OK then! No sweat in my pants. Make Ali look like Osama!

Baby Message.

Who is it?

Shetty Sisters.

Read it.

You are fired!

Press my stress point!

Mr. Sharma. One bite!

Have you booted out Ali from the sequel?

Who is gonna carry the dead weight of this half paralyzed film?

Osama!

Tere Bin Laden 2..

Opening Shot.

And..

Action.

Cut it!

It's swinging too much!

Get him down!

Sir, help!

Where is everyone?

What is going on?

Why are all of you standing as if at a funeral? Who died?

Osama!

- Pardon? - Sir!

Sir!

Get me down!

Paddi. We are screwed!

What?

Sequel can't be made.

Speak loudly! Why have you made me Superman!

I'm sure Ali cursed us!

Stop swinging me!

Stop dry humping the air Paddi! Sequel is dead!

Osama is DEAD!

Breaking news..

Osama Bin Laden is dead!

The face that terrorized the whole world..

Has been sprayed with American bullets!

Now the only question standing.

What will happen. Without you Bin Laden?

Yes!

You heard it right!

Osama is DEAD!

DEAD!

DEAD!

DEAD!

DEAD!

DEAD!

DEAD!

Love struck like a hurricane.

Shook the world and gave it pain!

Love struck like a hurricane.

Shook the world and gave it pain!

Proof?

DEAD!

Pressure is mounting on America to prove that Osama is dead!

The world wants to see the video where Osama was killed!

Sir.. Listen to me!

What are you doing Paddi?

Sir!

Osama is dead in the sea!

And the sequel is dead in the rubble!

Trust me! Trying to chase stardom is stupid!

Anyway...

You just clear my accounts and off I go to my village!

Paddi! Why are the accounts coming up?

I am the director of a hit film!

I will not give up so easily.

Once this Osama's death dies out.

Producers will be calling me non-stop!

- Really! - Obviously!

Holy Milk of a cow.. It's ringing!

Pick it up.. And put it on speaker!

Hello..

Sharma.

L-low does it feel to have your self respect tarnished?

L-low dare you chuck me off the film, you piece of crap!

I hope you realize how unworthy your existence is.

Oh Yes!

Ask your tone deaf villager to put his head between

between his legs and run back to his farm!

ShitWit!

Sir..

Sir.. Sir..

No! Don't jump! Don't!

Stop overacting Paddi!

Might hurt your tender knees.

I have to turn the game now..

I'll return in a bit!

Can you get some Broccoli on the way back?

Buzz off!

Harkat-e-Mansha shut down! Harkat-e-Mansha shut down!

Shame on you Khaleeli!

Your bombs and arms are all dud! No point of Terrorism without blood!

Quiet!

- For the sake of terrorism. - Listen to me please!

Why should we listen?

Your suicide bombers are not bursting properly!

Instead they turn into a fireworks display!

Look at him..

Burning like a candle in the wind!

We signed up to be blown into martyrdom. But in vain!

Now compensate!

We need compensation!

We need compensation. Compensation!

After the death of Osama.

The cost of arms and ammunition has gone up ten folds..

So we are using gun powder of one grenade into three!

That's why you are not attaining heaven..

Let me assure you that we are a passionate terrorist group!

Give us one last chance!

Tonight we have a special screening of some great tapes of Osama bin Laden.

Also, we are serving dinner and drinks.

So kindly join us for an Osama Retrospective

and make peace with our great loss!

Did you give our gifts?

No! They almost shoved it up my butt!

No one is ready to accept our arms!

No sweat! Atleast they are here..

Now you see, how Osama's face gets us a rain of donations!

Hey hottie!

Do you wanna get lucky tonight?

It's a scandal!

It's fake! Burn it down!

What happened Sir?

You didn't like it?

I swear!

I made a big mistake!

My son added a cheap Bollywood film to the Osama tapes.

But what to do Sir!

This clown has an uncanny resemblance to Osama.

It could fool anyone!

Stop!

Get all these jokers here!

We need to send a message to the world..

Osama is still.. A LIVE.

My name is David Cheddar.

My name is David Cheddar.

My name is David Cheddar.

My name is David Chadha. dha. dha.

Sounds right now!

Hello Mr. Paddi.

Myself, David Chadha.

And I want to.. KILL YOU!

Please come in! Consider it your own house.

This is my bedroom.

Where I personally cast all my actors!

This is the living room where I wrote my first film!

Very positive vibes!

And this is the bathroom where I got my first.

Naked Man!

Hello Ma'am!

No.. Positive vibes..

Paddi. What is wrong with you?

I told you not to be home today!

See, the party ran off..

Now how will I sell this house?

What are you saying?

You forced me to sell my farm to buy this house!

Now if you sell the house.. Where will we go?

You don't get it.. If I don't sell this house..

L-low will I complete my film'?

And how will I make you a star?

Must be another party.

Please wrap a towel and stay inside.

Mr. Tuteja! Please come in!

Mr. Chadha not Tuteja.

What's in the name sir... I am just selling the house.

I don't want this house!

Myself, David Chadha!

Film Producer!

And I want Paddi Singh.

Paddi!

Paddi come out fast!

There's a producer in the house!

Producer!

Ma'am!

Oh.. Hello!

Oh.. Hello! It's an honour to meet you!

Took a bath after the apocalypse? Welcome him!

It's fresh!

So Mr. Paddi.

We want to make a film with you..

Film!

Where?

There!

Where?

There!

Where.. There?

Hollywood!

Why're you sitting down. Sit up!

Please join your legs! It's peeping!

So Mr. Paddi.

What will you have?

Tea.

Coffee..

Or role?

Role, of course!

And I'll have a cappuccino. Quick!

Sir! Add some extra milk..

They are from abroad!

Make it frothy!

So Mr. Chadha!

What do I have to do?

You have to Die!

What!

In the film!

In the film!

I almost wet the couch!

Name of the film is..

Tora Bora Nights!

The film starts with Osama being shot!

Bam!

And then.

And then?

And then.

And then the flashback!

Flashback?

Yup! It's like the last.

Let's imagine the last 4 days of Osama's life..

It's like Sholay.. Meets the Mughal-e-Azam.

Meets the Hurt locker.

It's tailored for an Oscar!

I'll do it Mr. Chadha!

Join your legs! It's peeping again!

Congratulations! Sign the contract.

Mr. Chadha.

I have a request to make.

Request?

I want that.

For this film.. the director.

Should be my mentor. Mr. Sharma!

Mr. Chadha.

Only he can take care of me and make me look and act like Osama!

Don't say no Mr. Chadha.

I beg of you!

Sir, he looks like a country man.

Only Sharma can make him look like the real Osama.

We'll dispose them both after the op!

Done deal!

Sir come on.. They got tricked!

Mr. David. I got one question.

What is you company's name?

Cm!

That's right. CIA.

Cinema in America!

So consider it a 40 day schedule..

Location of the first day is somewhere in.. Uh.. Somewhere!

And after that.

Where?

Hollywood!

What a smart boy!

Here.. Put your thumb print.

Mr. Chadha.

I have a confession..

I don't have a passport!

You don't need a passport!

We will take you Hollywood style!

Don't worry Mr. David. I'll explain..

I know Hollywood!!

So, the car will reach at 8 in the morning..

Make sure that you are ready. OK!

So long then!

Live to die!

Is this your mole?

Oh.. It's detachable!

Hollywood!

OK then. Come on Junior let's go.

Bye! Mr. Chadha!

Thanks Paddi.

Return gift to my Mentor!

Wash my cup!

You, grave diggers. Where are you going?

Who are you?

Who me?

Tourist!

No..Tourist!

OK go!

He is the circus leader.

Let's catch him first!

My mommy says.

Do what you wanna do slowly slowly..

My daddy says.

What's the point of having such muscles.

I said, I have valour in my heart and fire in the belly..

So the world says wow..

And I say 'save a cow'..

Why don't you lick my 1..2..3..4..5..6..

These are my Six Pack Abs!

Six Pack!

My baby finds them fab..

These are my Six Pack Abs!

Six Pack!

Girls follow me in a cab..

These are my Six Pack Abs!

Six Pack!

Six Pack!

Six Pack!

We can't catch this guy.

Why don't we get Osama directly?

Sir.. I have packed your underwears...

Pass my undies so I can pack them as well..

Can you think above your waist?

It's ringing!

Hi this is Ali, The Star!

If you are a babe, please leave your address and figure size..

I'll get you picked.

And if you are a man! Speak fast or my phone will disconnect!

You Nymphomaniac!

Keep screwing your bimbos!

We are off to Hollywood!

You are the unworthy one! Bloody Bollywood clown!

Speak up you knuckle head! Cat bit your tongue or what?

Paddi. The phone is disconnected!

Call him again! I wanna abuse his sister!

I think these guys are here..

But they are an hour early?

It's Hollywood Paddi. Pack the bags quick!

According to the plan..You go upstairs.

Ring the bell.. Ting Tong!

That clown will come out.

I will put a blanket on him and close the door behind!

Khaleeli Sir ordered.

For you to ring the bell twice.

Ting Tong!!

The man might be sleeping..

As he comes out, I will put a blanket on him..

And then bash him!

No.. No.. You will ring the bell!

That clown will come out. Bulla try and understand!

No! That is not Khaleeli Sir's order!

What a rainbow colored van!

Osama!

Osama!

Paddi, they are big fans of yours!

I'm blushing!

Come on let's go!

You will also pile on?

Idiot!

Start driving. Your boss knows all about it.

You missed the left to the airport!

We are going by road..

And switch off your phones!

Why?

Paddi quiet! It's Hollywood..

Look at the detailing!

Even the drivers are in costumes..

That's why I love Hollywood!

Sing in the right pitch Sir!

Stop it!

Please. Music is a sin.

Relax dude! It's gibberish...

What a dimwit. You keep singing!

Trace their phones..

Sir.. I am driving. Vroom!

Mr. David!

We love you!

We love Hollywood!

Your guys are also enjoying.. Wait I'll show you

David has sent real bufoons!

Switch off the camera.

Switch off the camera.

Where did they go?

Ah... Very good..

The midget can walk. And the eyes are intense!

You don't get it.. Do you?!

You threw my iPhone?

This is no way to treat a Director!

I'll tell Mr. David.

I'll complain to our Directors' union..

Saale khacchar!

Screw Hollywood!

I have lost my butt cheeks!

Paddi.

Don't be fussy..

This is our last chance...

If we don't do this right.

We will be making wedding videos next. Star look!

They have worked like asses!

And I love the location. Beautiful!

Somewhere in.. Somewhere!

I love it!

Where is David?

David Chadha.

DO.

Where are you?

Mr. David.

Wow..

Intense..

I like the detailing.

Nice..

Daaga. I think the frame should.

Start from here..

Do you have a Dolly?

There is no dolly but we have Khaleeli.

Oh wow.. New equipment. I love Hollywood!

Where is it?

Is it there?

Sir?

Video camera!

Interesting.

It's stinking in here Bulla.

Do you guys take a leak in here or something?

What the...?

Sir..

Sir..

What the hell?

What happened?

Sugandha baby?

What a prank! I love Hollywood!

These are our actors.

Guys cheer up..

You are in Hollywood..

Who called these pile ones?

Hollywood..

Of course, Hollywood..

Hollywood..

Shut up!

My-

Osama!

Come to daddy! Come to daddy!

Sir..

I don't like his intentions..

Finally!

Finally!

A senior actor!

Hi..

Myself Sharma.

OK let's see here.. Nice..

Just a little chest hair..

Nice beard!

One minute!

Yes.

Perfect!

Perfect!

Sir..

We are screwed!

Junior!

Sir!

How much longer?

Sir, 30 minutes tops!

Why are we talking in sign language?

Give me that thing..

Don't you know this is a silent chopper?

Now listen Barbie.

I want this clown to look like Osama in 30 minutes!

And you owl eyes.. Write in arabic..

Write that 'l, Osama, am Alive and in good care of my dear friend Khaleeli'

But I don't know how to write in Arabic.

Can you write in Arabic?

Yes!

I have proof..

Owl eyes will write Arabic.

Barbie will do his make up..

And you.. Weirdo! Will mimic Osama's voice..

Yes Sir! I am a mimicry artist!

L.. Khaleeli loves Osama!

Please Uncle.. We will do it!

Chirag just write anything!

Mona where is Osama?

In America!

It's done!

Is he Osama or Santa Claus?

Disgusting!

You read what you have written!

Osama sounds like a choo choo train!

What kind of Arabic is this?

It's Arabic, Sir..

Weirdo here can't read it..

Rahul please read only Arabic.

It's not Arabic!

This ass has written gibberish!

It's Arabic!

Don't lie, you have written gibberish.

Shut up!

Daaga. Shoot them all..

Daaga.

Uncle, we are just actors.

Without a Director.. We are clueless!

What is a Director?

Nice..

In fact good..

Good depth.

But what do you wanna shoot here?

You..

Bulla. What are you saying?

It's Khaleeli Sir's order! Why did you pile on?

I asked you in the van also. Didn't I?

Go right. Now go left.. Right. Perfect!

Bulla listen to me.. Let's run away!

Sorry?

Bollywood!

If I can transform Paddi into 'The Paddi'..

I can make you 'Tha Bulla' in no time!

Bulla.

Bulla stop!

Bulla stop!

Come on!

Khaleeli wants you..

Why?

To resurrect Osama!

And cut it!

Here.. Your tape is ready.

Brilliant Sharma!

I can't thank you enough for this..

Come on Khaleeli Sir..

I am a Director..

Can't say no to a film..

Films run in your family it seems.

Can you not get into my family affairs?

Mind your tape business!

Don't be upset!

Tell me.. What is Osama saying in this tape?

Osama?

Osama said..

'I am Alive'.

And..

'I am with Khaleeli Sir'

He likes you!

And..

'I beg for some donations in the name of almighty'

Right!

OK.. Bulla. No.. Daaga. Check it once and keep it in the locker.

Khaleeli Sir..

Now that your work is done..

And the tape has also come out well..

I was thinking what if we leave for India?

Paddi. Come on boy!

Uncle! This time don't send us tied in sacks.

Fight or train would also do.. Right boys?

Daaga is so cute..

Come on Boys.. Bye Sir!

Sharma!

Come to daddy.. Come to daddy..

Look Sharma, America will definitely reply to this tape.

Then we'll need to reply with another tape.

Then they will reply.. And we will reply..

This replying game will go on forever!

So now you are our guests.

Pop some opium.

And keep making tapes!

Listen my bearded twin..

Spare me!

I will never become Osama again.

I'll go back to my village. I beg you Khaleeli Sir!

Sir.. Atleast clear my account now!

Paddi. Atleast see the situation!

- But it's been three years! - Buzz off!

You haven't paid me a dime!

Mr. Chadha!

Mr. Chadha!

Americans!

Take position and fire!

Till death blows us apart!

Run!

Paddi, run!

Sir!

Mr. David!

Mr. David!

Sir!

Mr. David. I knew it!

Only Hollywood can save Bollywood!

Thank me later.

But tell me.. What were these morons up to?

They forced us to make a fake tape of Osama!

Bloody idiots!

Hop in!

What's that?

Hollywood!

Go there.. Go there..

Hey you.. American eagle!

Give my tape. shoot him!

Gimme the tape. Throw it!

Osama!

Thank you Mr. David. Thank you..

Thank me later!

Guys meet Mr. David Chadha producer from Hollywood!

Hollywood?

Yes.

He is making a Hollywood film 'Tora Bora Nights'..

I am the star of the film! And Sir is directing it!

Live to die!

A Hollywood producer with US marines?

What a funny guy.. Still cracking a joke!

So what I was saying friends. Sharma and Paddi have a shoot to finish..

And our location. Somewhere in.. Somewhere.

Is also on the way!

So why don't we wrap up our shoot. And then drop you back home? OK.

OK, my Ass!

Rahul Singh doesn't attend someone else's shoot!

Chadha Uncle.. We just escaped death!

Please send us home!

My cat is also alone in the house..

OK.. OK.. Guys!

You can also be part of this film!

Really!

Sharma!

There is no role for them!

Mr. David.. They are Bollywood wannabes!

For a minute in Hollywood, they will make noise for one year!

Guys! Welcome to Hollywood!

Love struck like a hurricane.

Shook the world and gave it pain.

Love struck like..

Paddi, careful! Chopper bladesl!

What are you staring at?

It's your house! Come!

Sharma come!

See that!

Be careful of snakes!

And. This is it!

A wall!

Where is Hollywood?

Oh.. One minute!

Mr. Chadha

I'll also drink some water.

I am parched!

It's not coming out?!

Come on..

Welcome to Somewhere in Somewhere!

WOW!

It looks right out of a Fairy Tale!

Isn't it fantastic?!

This is our Abottabad set.. Osama's House!

What say Mr. Paddi.

My Star!

Why are you standing?

Why don't you sit down.

Sharma.

Look..

Osama's bedroom.

Isn't it nice?

Very real Mr. David!

Chadha uncle..

Very nice..

Thank you!

Mr. David. Could we get a script?

Mr. Chirag.

There is no script to this film..

Because it's based on real reality!

So Sharma!

What was I saying?

The scene goes like this.

Osama is sleeping in his bedroom.

He is sleeping!

Suddenly we see American chopper approaching.

US marines climb out of it.

And barge into Osama's bedroom.

Bam! Bam! Bam!

Osama's dead!

Then they will wrap up his dead body..

They will put him in the chopper.. Fly away.

And throw him in the Sea.

Black out.

OK.

OK, my Ass!

What is Rahul Singh's role?

Uncle what is the motivation of this scene?

Mr. David.

Let me..

Sugandha.

You will be Osama's wife!

Rustic!

Very good..

Osama can't be alone!

So the two of you.. Will be his bodyguards!

You want ME to be a bodyguard?

No I mean Mujahideen!

You will fight with the US marines!

That's a brilliant idea, Sir!

They'll all be disposed off in one shot.

Sharma.

Am I just sleeping?

What if him and I have some action?

Very good!

Where were you all this while..

Mr. David.

Involvement! Very good idea!

Before the Marines barge in..

Let's show some romance between Osama and his wife.

What say Paddi?

No Sharma!

I am not making a film!

I mean, it's not that kind of a film!

Mr. David listen to me..

Sit down.

Mr. David we will shoot it aesthetically.

No vulgarity!

Sex scene for us is like honey for the bees.

More the sex. Bigger the audience!

- Really? - No..

No.. I can't allow..

Chadha uncle!

Sorry to cut your off..

I wanna do..

Do?

Do what?

Mr. David imagine!

It's raining outside.

Thunder!

Cut to! The American chopper is approaching the target.

It is a silent chopper..

Silent? No problem.

Cut to!

Two Mujahideen are guarding the house..

Everybody Stay Alert!

Everybody Stay Alert!

Echo effect!

Cut to! Osama is walking in his room..

He is restless.. Sleep deprived.

He is very lonely within..

Lonely effect!

He wants something.

Then suddenly his newly wedded wife walks in with a glass of milk..

Osama sees her and utters.

I love Milk!

Paddi. Please. Don't disturb!

Osama whispers to his wife.. 'Sugarcrush.

'I have a very empty feeling inside, please fill me up'..

Cut to..

US marines are loading their guns..

Cut back!

Osama's wife embraces him..

And kisses his forehead.

Cut back!

The American chopper enters the house!

Mujahideen start firing at them!

Gun fight! Mr. David. Gun fight!

Inside it is Valentine's! And outside.. Halloween!

Just then! The Marines barge into Osama's bedroom.

BAM! BAM! BAM!

In a matter of seconds.. Osama's wife is a WIDOW!

- Widow! - Black out!

Brilliant!

Make it Sharma. Make it!

Oscar shot!

Oscar shot By God!

What a director.

What a director!

But sir..

Junior, get the shot ready.

And I'll have a hot dog..

You swine! What is he saying?

Khaleeli Sir, he said..

Harkat-E-Mansha is an army of Donkeys!

Sick bastards!

Hold it Daaga!

To fight the Americans.

We need help from these Afghans.

Bulla. Tell these guys that Osama is alive and we know where to find him..

Sir, he just ordered death upon us for making fun of Osama!

Khaleeli Sir..

They have agreed to fight the Americans.

But under one condition.

Daaga has to be left behind!

They believe that a person without a mustache or a beard

cannot be a mujahideen!

Lights. Camera. Rain!

Sir, it wasn't raining when we killed Osama.

It's Cinematic Liberty!

But we're not making a movie..

And action!

This burning thing is called fire..

Come on boys.. Give me a perfect shot!

And once it's out. It will be ash. How intriguing!!

Abu Baker! Helicopter!

We will not die today! 'Cause today is our Independence Day!

Hare Krishna! Save me!

Cut it!

Chirag?

What the hell are you doing, Chirag?

What happened?

Why are you shouting as if someone is raping you?

Take the chopper back.

What happened Sir?

Sharma. This gun is real!

One bullet nicked my ear..

It's red!

Chirag, everything is fake here!

Wait, I am coming!

Come fast!

Here I come!

Chirag. You are one big pussy!

This gun is all plastic.

Watch this!

Nothing happened!

See.. Nothing happened!

What happened?

Bob..

Sgt. Bob..

Come on Sgt. Bob!

Enough with the jokes.

Now get up and show everybody that you are OK!

He scared the hell out of us.

Good actor..

Back to positions now!

Sharma. ls my make up OK?

Yeah it's OK..

Chirag, happy'?

Back to positions!

Hare Krishna!

And Action!

Come on boys, let's go for it..

Abu Baker! Helicopter!

Come on American dogs!

I'll kill everyone of you and bury you in Afghanistan!

- Cut it! - I'll kill everyone of you..

- Cut it! - To hell with you..

I said.. Cut!!

What?

Cut it! God damn it!

What happened?

I was so absorbed in the shot.

Absorbed, my ass!

What happened, Sir?

Sir, we're wasting time.

Thanks for that ridiculous performance.

You look like a chimp.. Stop acting like one!

Pack up! Pack up!

Sugandha baby.. Is it the dinner break?

- What do you mean by pack up? - Sharma what's wrong?

Mr. David pack him off!

I'll make Chirag do the action scene!

Go fight like Chuck Norris!

Sharma. Wait! Let me speak to RahuL.

Sir, is it a pack up or not?

Paddi. Keep shut for a while!

Sharma.

Sharma. We are wasting a lot of time.

Why don't we kill Paddi first?

I mean. Shoot the Osama killing first!

Good idea.

Location change.

Let's do the bedroom scene first!

Our love scene is next, handsome!

Daaga. My DOV!

Please don't cry..

I am gifting you my suicide jacket.

If you ever miss me.. Say my name and..

Have a blast!

As soon as you enter, kill Paddi the same way that was told to the media.

One on the chest. One on the head!

All set, Sir!

Ready everybody.. And.. Action!

Cut it.

Paddi come on..

One more..

Take 8!

And Action!

I love Milk!

No No.. Cut it!

Paddi come on.. Emotions!

OK.. Ready.

Take 21!

Action!

Action!

I love Milk!

Cut it!

Hollywood.. Feel it!

Action!

Very good!

- I love Milk! - Cut it!

Take 69..

Action!

Sharma. Get it right this time!

Osama.

Cut it!

What happened?

One more Paddi.

What one more!

What the. I love Milk! I love Milk! I love Milk!

Why don't you bloody die!

Why are you driving me crazy.. You sick bastard!

Who made you an actor?

I wanna put this gun in your mouth and blast your brains out!

Pack up.. Pack up..

Buzz off!

How dare you! Why did you shout at my star?

Screw Hollywood!

And who do you think you're scaring with a toy gun?

Should I shoot you?!

Sharma. Please return my gun..

I got emotional.

But he is not dying!

We can't shoot now..

But why?

Mr. David.

Sugandha's aggression has already made him wet his pants.

And you shoved death in his mouth! Let him catch his breath!

We need to relieve his tension!

Don't worry Sharma.

I will ease him out!

Mr. David that's what I call involvement.

Mr. David.

In the meantime.

Let's call for a break!

I will have a hot dog!

What?

So Paddi.

How do you wanna do this?

Sugandha Baby.

Bushes!

In the village.

That's where boys pop their cherry!

So earthy.

Interesting. Come on..

Come!

Bro.. This is Hollywood!

I don't need 5 pounds of acting.

5 ounces will do.. Keep it subtle.

5 ounces?

I'm an actor. Not a piece of meat!

And keep your attitude in check.

After all Rahul Singh is the star of your film!

Of course!

Give me a high five..

RahuL. Sharma.

What?

There is no craft service!

So?

But Sharma.

Be it Hollywood or Bollywood.. Break implies Craft Service!

Something is not right.

Give it a thought.

There is no script nor a crew..

Only that Ape David Chadha, and his Marines!

What do you make of all this?

Oh yes.. It is!

Paddi.

Now don't be shy!

It's just my first time so..

Let's make it mechanical.

You close your eyes..

Walk towards me.. And just kiss me!

That sounds good!

So here I come Sugandha Baby.

Yes. Paddi come..

Come to me!

I'm coming Sugandha Baby!

I am coming.. Sugandha Baby!

Come Paddi come!

Say my name!

Sugandha Baby.

You are freezing!

The cold has made you so stiff!

Sugandha baby..

I finally feel like a Man!

Paddi.

That's a man!

Sir! Sir!

Can you stop crying like a girl?!

Let me think.

I said it in the chopper.. Let's go back to India!

But all of you laughed at me!

I am amazed, we weren't suspicious at all!

How were we fooled so easily?

We were not fooled.. But tricked.

By this Sharma!

He lured us into this Hollywood trap!

Why are you blaming me?

I have been tricked by Paddi!

What?

I tricked you?

Who else!

I was innocently making coffee in the kitchen,

he selfishly tricked me into Hollywood..

I wasn't even interested!

What the hell are you saying.

Uh.. Sir!

Who made me Osama?

Who sold my farms?

Who made me a method actor?

Who cooked up the myth of 'Paddi, The Star'?

It's my fault that I tried to make a star out of a country bumpkin!

Really!

As if you are the heir to the British Throne!

'Sweet - Maker Sharma!'

Have you forgotten.

The sweat drenching experience of sweet making!

Sharma senior still sells Churros. Crooning Ten Bucks for Two!

Ten bucks for two!

What?

Now Churro makers are becoming film makers!

Hare Krishna!

Hello friends!

We have to shoot immediately.

Where is Sharma?

Sir?!

Sir? You are frying Churros?

Guys! Give me some alone time with my buddy.

Paddi.

These are not just Churros.

This is my inborn talent!

A talent I never appreciated!

But today, after you blurted it out.

I have finally made peace with my reality!

Now you watch!

Before I die, I'll make such amazing Churros.

That people will forget my film!

Sir..

Please forgive me..

I have made a grave mistake!

I have screwed up my mentor! And driven him crazy!

Paddi!

Don't feel bad..

Here.. I will not let you die hungry!

Sir.. I have lost my appetite!

Sir, it's delicious. What's the ingredient?

Paddi, emotion.

Sir, they are ready to shoot now..

The moment you say Action.

First these scumbags will terminate me..

And then you!

I don't wanna get massacred by them..

I'd rather have you kill me!

Right Sir! You shoot me! I beg of you.. Shoot me!

Paddi!

That's a brilliant idea!

You've saved all of us!

Wow Sharma!

These are amazing!

By the way..

What were you saying that the Marines don't work?

Mr. David, these American actors are very realistic.

And Bollywood actors are melodramatic!

It's a terrible combination.

It's like eating Chicken Burger with Chicken Curry!

That's why the shoot is suffering..

Look at them. Such realistic emotions.. Very innocent!

Very real!

And look at them. Fake!

But what's the point?

Trust me..

Let us Indians play the Marines.

It will balance it out!

Meaning?

Chirag, Rahul and l..

Will dress up like Marines and enter Osama's room..

They will shoot!

While I candidly capture Osama's death.

Guerilla style!

Sharma! These Marines are Americans!

Not to sound racist but. Your colours won't match.

Oh c'mon Mr. David! The Marines are wearing helmets.

You can barely see their faces...

As it is, if you decide to swap Sgt. Bob with Sgt. Jack.

There's no way we'd know, right?

No.. No.. Of course not!

Should I take this shot? One take and Osama dead!

Alright! " No!"

No.. Oh no.. I can't allow!

One take. One take.

He'll be done in one take.

Mr. David! Gulp it down and let's just do it!

OK! Take your shot!

Junior. I need the uniforms..

Strip the Marines!

Junior! Once we get the shot. Dispose them all!

That was the plan!

And.. Action!

Listen my Starsky and Hutch! Spray the bullets on the wall..

Don't make their plan a success by shooting Paddi!

Chill!

Relax Paddi! All will be good!

Sugandha baby..

I'm really scared of Rahul and Chirag.

Their overacting will definitely kill me!

Sugandha baby?

I love your rustic charm!

Paddi. Die!

Sucker is dead!

Stop overacting Sugandha.

He is Dead. He is Dead. Osama is finally dead!

Sir!

Sir!

There's no blood on Osama!

See.. No blood!

Never mind!

We will just take a separate shot of the dead body..

Come on.. Call the chopper back.

Give me some Churros!

Base to Mute. Return with feedback! I repeat.. Return with feedback.

Hey Junior! I'll have a hot dog.

What?

Put David on the line please.

Sir! Sharma!

- Sharma? - Yes!

Yes Sharma?

Mr. David focus! Your Osama flew over the CUCKOO'S nest!

Screw you hairball!

We are off to India. While you suck on those Churros!

You son of a bitch! Screw you on a bed of nails!

What happened? Speak up you Asswipe!

Paddi. It got disconnected!

Call him back. I wanna abuse Junior now!

Junior! Get the chopper out. Fast!

Khaleeli Sir.. Helicopter!

Paddi. ls your face alright?

Sir.. My hand!

I don't care even if you lose your hand. Just take care of your face!

Paddi. Hands up!

Sheikh Osama!

What's going on?

Welcome my clown!

Listen to me, you clown!

Everyone here thinks you are the real Osama.

And if they find out you are an imposter.

They will cut you into pieces!

So come to daddy..

Come to daddy!

Paddi, don't go!

Paddi!

Paddi!

Paddi!

What are you doing?

No.. No.. He is an imposter.

Bulla, you swine! Tell them that he is an imposter!

My Star!

So absorbed in his character!

Listen to me you imbeciles!

It is a sin to kill a fellow Mujahideen.

Paddi! Duck!

Paddi!

Paddi! Duck!

Hey Paddi!

Come here!

Come to me!

Osama. is MINE!

Stop!

Don't move! Or I will blow my brains out!

No.. Not the face!

I need Osama alive!

Take it up and shoot!

Pull the trigger!

- No.. Ignore him! - Pull!

NO!

- Pull! - NO!

- Pull! - NO!

Shut up you asswipe!

I will be Osama no more!

Paddi. Stop!

Look here! I'm clearing your accounts!

For real?

Yes. Here!

I am coming.. Wait!

Here is the first installment. Give me the gun!

I will smack you! Why did you shoot?

I didn't shoot!

- Hare Krishna! - Mr. President!

Yes Sir!

He missed me!

Bit embarrassing, Sir!

Shit happens! Here, try once more!

Paddi stop. Let me handle this!

Mr. David! Khaleeli Sir!

All of us want Paddi!

But that is not possible!

Says who?

I mean, let's compromise!

Khaleeli Sir.. What do you want?

We need.. Donation!

How much donation?

Five.. Hundred..

Thousand.

Five Hundred Thousand Dollars!

Done? Sure?

Sure!

Mr. David. Write a cheque..

That's the only way to get rid of him!

If you ever need a suicide bomber..

Do remember me!

This is my card!

Khaleeli Baser Wasiqi! We don't have any branches!

Mr. David. Why do you want to kill Paddi?

What's your deal?

I have an idea!

I'll get you a proof..

I'll get you a proof..

That'll make your President an overnight sensation!

Yes we can!

Yes we can!

And. Cut it!

Here you go David. Your proof is ready.

Very good!

One simple demand Mr. President.

One Hollywood film!

Breaking News!

White house has finally released the tape of the Osama killing!

America wanted their proof, and America got their proof..

I took out Osama Bin Laden myself, with my own hands.

I'm a brave leader and that's why I'm your President!

That's why you gave me a second term.

And that's why this is a sequel!

Now, a renowned Hollywood producer has announced.

That he will make a film based on this story!

The name of the film is Tora Bora Nights!

Sir.. Shall we?

Can you tell us more about the actor in your movie?

He is not an actor. He is a STAR!

You can only see my eyes in the film..

But I'm a trained actor.

For every second... One expression, you know!

I am playing an extra in this film!

It's a 10 second role!

A blink and a miss!

It's a sequel for me to be Osama's voice!

And the world knows that only Rahul Singh can do it!

Tora Bora Nights! It's a family entertainer!

Is there any song and dance?

Song and Dance?

No.. It's a Hollywood film.. No vulgarity!

I can't allow!

Khaleeli Sir!

Daaga. I got it!

I got the money, Daaga!

Now we will attain Heaven!

Uh.. Oh!

I am just gonna conclude this.

By quoting, verse 4, chapter 5 of Dangerous.

By Saint Michael Jackson!

That it don't matter if you are black or white..

Or for that matter, even brown..

OK.. Let's go!