Original subtitles

You stink.

Why'd you turn down that job?

What job?

The job I dreamed Lee Iacocca offered you...

...when he came into the shoe store.

You're mad at me for something I did in a dream?

Well, you don't do anything when I'm awake.

Al, put down the book, I'm going to sleep.

Why don't you get a second job?

You know, lots of families are two-income families.

You see, Peg, two incomes means that two people...

...you know, in the same family, work.

Well, I don't have two husbands in this family.

Oh, come on, Al.

It would just mean you have to work eight hours more a day.

I mean, you waste more time than that sleeping.

Peg, see my face?

This is the face of a man who sells shoes all day long.

Now look at my face the way it would look if I had another job.

Well, I can live with that.

Oh, come on, honey.

If you don't do it for me, just think of Kelly and Bud.

Aren't they worth another eight hours?

Kids!

The defense rests.

Get out.

To conclude:

You can stab me with knives. You can beat me with clubs.

You can make me open my eyes while we're having sex.

But believe me, Peg, there is nothing you can do or say...

...that will ever make me consider getting another job.

Oh, I forgot to tell you, honey. I joined the Record-of-the-Month Club...

...so we have to cut back on a few household expenses.

Dad, the phone's dead!

Don't worry, I'll call them.

- Yeah? - I came for the job.

It can get rough.

I played high school football.

- So you think you can handle it? - What do you think?

Let's give it a try.

Bathroom's in there. Good luck.

Get that too.

Boy, to be a private eye.

Babes and bullets flying around everywhere.

Good chance that one of them might hit you.

I'd be a great private eye. Yup.

Al Bundy, trouble is my business.

I carry a mop. I clean a detective's bathroom.

Oh, God!

Mr. Dallas?

I want to live.

- What? - No... I said my name is Al Bundy.

I'm Jack Dallas' new partner.

Sit down and show me your tail. I mean, tell me...

Tell me your tale.

It all started a few months ago.

She was a sultry dame.

Dressed to the nines, except for a pair of cheap pumps.

And man, was she a looker.

She had more curves than the Matterhorn at Disneyland.

And there didn't appear to be any Japanese tourists...

... standing in line ahead of me, waiting for the ride.

She was some dish...

... hot as my neighbor's dinner.

By the way, why don't I ever eat dinner?

Oh, well, that's another case.

Oh, my God, she's crossing her legs.

So, what do you think, Mr. Bundy?

What?

About my problem.

I guess I should have been listening.

How would a real PI handle this?

I know.

What?

My uncle, the great explorer, Colonel Franklin Van Pelt...

...is about to bequeath the famous diamond...

...known as the Pharaoh's Eye to a member of my family.

I know he's going to leave it to me. So do all of my other relatives.

I need you to be at the family ceremony...

...and protect me in my bequest.

Will you take the case, Mr. Bundy?

Cross your legs the other way, baby.

Mr. Bundy?

What?

The case, will you take it?

I need your help desperately.

I wanted to tell her the truth...

... but one look into her troubled thighs...

... and I knew I had to play this out to the bitter end.

Or at least until I saw some hooter.

I don't have much to offer.

How does a hundred bucks sound?

Oh, I'll pay.

So this was my case...

... protecting the babe from her family.

They were an ugly bunch, but the old man, the colonel...

... seemed like a decent guy.

I think he felt a bond between us.

I guess I should pay attention to what he's saying.

- What? - Your foot is on my cat.

Sorry.

I'll be right back.

I'm just going to get my coat out of the car.

Uncle keeps it just freezing in here.

As I watched her leave, I suddenly realized...

...who really did put the "bomp" in the "bomp sh-bomp."

I think I said that out loud.

Oh, well.

I looked over the family. You could tell they hate the old guy.

Sure, he was paying the bills...

... but from the look of Vanessa's shoes...

... he was as tight as the skin on Joan Rivers' face.

But if they feared or hated me, they sure hid it well.

All right, you fruits and vegetables...

...it's time now to see which one of you pond scum...

...will get the prize of the Van Pelt family.

Oh, uncle...

...we don't care about the jewel.

We just want you to live forever.

Nice set of lips to reach my heinie from there.

That's a good one, Colonel Van Sanders.

- Who are you? - Your worst nightmare...

...a shoe man with a badge.

No.

My worst nightmare is a hooker with cold hands.

Well, I won't keep you ferrets waiting any longer.

The new owner...

...of the Pharaoh's Eye...

...shall be...

- Who turned the lights out? - Who's touching my breasts?

Don't shoot me, I'm a shoe salesman.

What's happened?

Nobody move. I suspect everyone and I suspect no one.

What are you looking at?

Oh, Mama.

He killed our beloved uncle.

And worse yet, he's stolen the Pharaoh's Eye.

Oh, Mama!

So let me get this straight.

Now, you went for a job as a janitor...

...took a case as a private detective, and now you're wanted for murder?

Essentially.

Well, then can I have my allowance now?

I'm wanted for murder, you dolts.

The cops are gonna track me down...

...and send me to the hoosegow. I could use a little help.

I have a plan, Daddy.

It would be you, pumpkin.

Now, Daddy, the cops are probably watching...

...the airports and the train stations and the bus stations, right?

Well, there is one way out.

You could dig a hole to China.

I saw Bugs Bunny do it once.

Daffy never found him.

Pumpkin, if Daddy gets the chair, would you sit in his lap one last time?

I'd be honored.

Look, Dad, it's obvious you cannot hide out here.

Why? You figure this is the first place the cops'll come?

No, I got a girl coming over and quite frankly, you embarrass me.

Al, Al. I just heard it on the radio.

There's a $50,000 reward on your head.

We've gotta act fast. Here, put on this hat.

Put on this coat.

Put on this cuff.

I've got him! Come in and shoot!

Shoot!

Shoot him! Shoot him with your gun!

So I ran.

You would too if you had a price on your head...

... and a bad burrito in your belly.

Amazing how many locked bathrooms there are in Chicago at night.

I was tired of running.

I knew what I had to do.

I think you have a little plumbing problem in there.

Anyhow...

...I called you all together here tonight...

...because I knew that the one person who had the diamond...

...would not be here.

But we're all here.

Then forget I said that.

What I meant to say was that the killer...

...is you.

And just what do you base that on?

Absolutely nothing.

Which is why the culprit is you.

Sorry, dick, it's well-known that I'm deathly afraid of the dark.

I was frozen in place.

Who touched my breasts?

It was me. I had to check out your story.

Which brings us to you.

You plunged the knife in your uncle's back...

...then snatched the diamond with your free hand.

One gets to meet so few true fools.

Which only leaves the killer...

...you.

Come on, Leonard, admit it.

You were the criminal mastermind that put this intricate plot together.

Now what do you have to say?

Daddy?

Okay.

Gee, then maybe it was me.

I'm sorry, Al.

I wanted to believe you.

I'm calling the police.

Freeze, baby.

Where were you when the lights went out?

- I was outside in the rain. - Were you?

I prefer to think that you're the killer.

- Oh, my God. - That's ridiculous.

- You have no proof. - Don't I?

Sit down.

I say that you never did go outside that night.

You waited by the door for the right moment...

...hit the light switch, dumped the vase on yourself to get wet...

...and stabbed your uncle!

You still haven't proved anything.

Like the man in the stall said to the man waiting, "Give me time, baby."

When we met I couldn't help but notice your shoes...

...the same shoes you have on now.

I used to sell shoes.

For years.

When I was a teenager, but not when I'm grown up...

...because a real man wouldn't have a job like that.

And I recognized these shoes...

...the Malaysian A220 Stilettos.

So cheap that the only ones who wear them...

...are beggars and wives of shoe salesmen.

You couldn't have gone outside that night, or any other night...

...because these shoes are so cheaply constructed...

...that they fall apart on contact with water, like this:

Well, baby...

...what have you got to say?

- I did it. - Really? You're kidding.

No. I hated him.

And I hated all of you.

He was going to give the diamond to a museum.

I would have got that for you.

You were incredible.

You broke me.

Take her away, lieutenant.

They'll probably put me away for 20 years.

Will you wait for me?

What for? You'll be old.

Good work, Mr. Bundy.

I'm the curator for the Museum of Natural History.

As a reward, I'd like to present you with this cheque for $50,000.

He looked at me strangely.

Maybe it was because he wasn't expecting me to take the cheque.

Or maybe it was because he wasn't expecting me to soil my underwear.

I guess I'll never know.

Fifty thousand dollars.

Fifty thousand dollars.

Fifty thousand dollars. It's real, it's real.

What?

Al, you're making happy noises in your sleep.

Thought there might be something wrong.

Wait a...

Wait a second.

Where's the $50,000 that I brought home?

You know, for solving the case of the Pharaoh's Eye?

Say what?

It couldn't have been a dream. It couldn't have been a dream.

Honey, maybe I'd better get you an aspirin.

We can lay here and solve the case of the wife who isn't getting any.

But it can't be a dream. It just can't.

Kids!

Bud, quick.

Was I a detective wanted for murder or was it a dream?

Just might have been a dream, Dad.

Do you call yourself "Street Rapper Grandmaster B" or was that a dream?

Oh, come on, Daddy.

- Even Bud's not pathetic enough to... - Wait a sec, Grandmaster B?

The chicks would be all over me.

I could wear my hat backwards.

Oh, man, I'm gonna go write my first rap right now.

How about calling it "Yo, I'm Really a Boy"?

Peg, tell them it wasn't a dream.

Honey, I'm gonna go get you those aspirin.

I think I'll make it a double.

- Kids, that's enough. Hold it. - I hate you.

Kids!

One quick question, that's all.

Is your mother...?

Repulsed by you?

Disappointed financially and sexually by you?

No. I don't care about that, you dolts.

Is she pregnant?

Marcie?

You think he's crazy?

Well, he must be. He didn't ask about you.

Well, honey, I just took the last of the aspirins.

I figured you'd just get a headache when you go to work.

Now what's that for?

Well, you dreamt you had $50,000...

...and yet you still came home to me.

That says a lot. Says that you really do love me.

What would I dream that for?

Because you do.

- I do not. - Do too.

No, it's just that...

...it's too late now for me to get anybody else.

Well, now, see, that wasn't so hard.

Peggy "wuvs" her detective pooh bear.

Gee, honey, you know what I wanna do now?

The same thing I wanna do?

Well, let's get to it.

You get the paper plates, I'll order the pizza.

Oh, baby!