Original subtitles

"Last Man Standing" was recorded in front of a live studio Audience.

- Hey. - Hmm?

Who keeps putting empty boxes back in the pantry?

- Her. - Her.

- There's more out there, dad. - [sighs]

Boy, how long has this been there?

You know, I think Bruce Jenner looks younger now.

Hi, guys.

Uh, so, I am gonna need someone to watch Boyd this week after school.

Here's a radical thought...

What about either of his parents?

No. Listen, Ryan's driving a long haul to Reno, and I am swamped at the new restaurant.

[groans] Blue-collar problems. Pass.

Dad?

- Why do I have to do everything around here? - Thank you!

- Eve, take care of Boyd. - What?

Why do I always get brat duty?

Because that's what families do. They help each other.

I just helped Kris by making you take care of her kid.

All right, fine.

- $10 an hour. - What? No, I...

You don't help people expecting something in return.

But since I did help you, grab a lobster from work tonight.

You got it. Thanks, dad. You are the best.

You're thanking him?

- This place is the worst. - I know.

Central air, all the food you can eat...

It's like working in a south african diamond mine.

La-La-La-La-La. You're not gonna ruin diamonds for me.

- Hey, everybody. - Oh, hey, Kyle.

- Here, try this gouda. - Okay.

Yum! That's a "Gouda" Piece of cheese.

[both laugh]

Kyle is helping me with my nutrition class experiment.

For one whole week, he's eating nothing but cheese.

Yeah. I love cheese.

The only piece of equipment you're gonna need

is a ruler to measure the width of my smile.

Hey, Mandy, Kyle.

Good day to you, Vanessa Gladys Baxter.

My mother always uses my full name when she feels we're not on good terms.

I don't know what's worse... that you're still mad at me

or you think my middle name is Gladys.

Great. You can add that to my list of failings.

I'm not good at guessing middle names.

Bye.

[groans]

[groans mockingly] what?

He's the nicest kid in the world.

He hates you.

It's like pissing off a care bear, honey. [Scoffs]

All I did was hint to Mandy that she should... explore her options...

- Yeah, mm-hmm... - With other boys.

Yep. Okay, now I'm hearing it.

They say True evil can be sensed by Dogs and children.

And he's a combination of both.

I will talk to him and straighten this out.

No, no. Please, don't.

I know you mean well, but when you try to fix things...

you wreck them.

You're like, um... like a playful little elephant.

Yeah. Yeah, that's right.

I never forget who's with me, who's against me,

and who just called me an elephant.

That...

Okay, perfect!

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I'm telling you... I measured.

It's actually farther for them to take the empty cereal box to the pantry

than to take it all the way to the trash.

When my kids did that, I'd cut eyeholes in the box and make them wear it to school.

And one time, the holes lined up with Tony the Tiger's eyes.

It was hysterical.

[chuckles]

You don't see much of your kids, do you?

Wait a second, Kyle. Kyle.

I ran over another squirrel.

What's left of it is stuck in the tire tread, and make that go away, please.

That's the third squirrel this month.

I'm beginning to think he's got a dark side.

Yeah.

Feel lucky he didn't make you go down

and do that with a cereal box on your head. Yeah.

Oh, uh, they're asking for you down in the loading dock.

It's Javier's birthday.

Big Javier or skinny Javier?

Big Javier.

Oh! That means there's flan.

Kyle, try not to puncture the tire tread

when you're digging that little guy out, all right?

And pick me up a new letter opener.

Ed: Vanessa. Hey, Ed.

Well, look at that. What are you doing here? [Chuckles]

Is everything all right? Uh, did eve fall down a well?

- No. Why would you go there? - Why would you come here?

Well, I'm sorry. Where are my manners?

What are you doing here?

Well, I just came by to talk to Kyle. He's been a little angry with me lately.

- Kyle? - Yeah, yeah.

He's the nicest kid the world.

- I know. He's a Peach. - Yeah.

- He'd give you the shirt of his back. - Ah.

I had to make a rule. It was like chippendale's in here.

I am perfectly aware of how nice Kyle is.

Well, perhaps your tone is part of the problem.

Kyle is out on important business, and Mike is eating flan.

So, I'll tell them both you stopped by, all right?

Uh-huh. Oh, you know what, Ed?

Um, uh, you don't need to let Mike know I was here.

We... we have a policy about not bothering each other at work.

- Ah. Solid policy. - Yeah.

Apparently not written in stone.

Kyle.

Hi.

Uh... Oh, wait, wait, wait. Kyle, wait.

I-I just came by to say I'm sorry

for trying to undermine your relationship with Mandy.

I can understand why you've been mad.

"Mad" is a pretty fancy word.

Uh, no, not really.

- I've actually been more... more upset. - Oh.

Mostly because part of me thinks that maybe you're right.

- Maybe I'm not good enough for Mandy. - Oh, no. You know, in my defense,

uh, you were never supposed to know I thought that.

No, I-I get it. I mean, how can any man compare

with the impossibly high standard set by Mr. B.?

Men want to be him, and women want to be with him.

- Animals want to be killed by him. - All right.

You know, Mike... Mike wasn't always such a big success.

I mean, he... He just believed in himself...

Really believed.

Like abnormal, delusional belief.

I believe in myself.

I believe I'm not that impressive.

Ohh. Honey, you know what?

Maybe that's what's holding you back.

I mean, I underestimated you because you underestimate yourself.

Vanessa.

Still here, huh?

Uh, why are you still here?

I was just telling Kyle what a special young man he is.

Mr. Alzate already knows.

That's why he gave me a special job... Picking something out of his tire tread.

Something with very kind eyes.

What... Kyle, that, um, sounds kind of degrading.

I mean, is that... is that really your job?

Well, I do a little bit of everything around here.

I'm called a "floater."

Speaking of which, would you float out to the taco truck

and get me a number three?

But... but say "numero tres". So they use the new meat, all right?

- Y-Yes, sir. - Okay, Kyle, wait, stop.

Stop. Kyle. Wait.

If you could have any job at outdoor man, what would it be?

No, no, don't look at him!

Look at me.

Well, I-I really like it when I work on the sales floor.

It would be nice to be a full-time salesman.

Oh, well, how about selling boats? I mean, that... That's an important job.

Yeah? I like boats.

Yeah, yeah! Good! Then it's settled.

Yeah! Okay!

[Both laugh]

What's happening?

Kyle's gonna be a boat salesman.

This is gonna be great for him to work on his confidence.

[chuckles]

Well, that's who we need selling our most expensive item.

[chuckles]

Yes, a beginner working on his confidence.

Oh, Ed, come on.

Let's do this. Come on.

I... Yeah.

[chuckles nervously]

All right, of course. Yeah.

Congratulations, Kyle. Congratulations.

[Chuckles] Thank you, Mr. Alzate, Mrs. B.

I'm gonna be a great salesman.

But unlike every salesman that came to our house,

I am not gonna sleep with my grandmother.

Hey, hey. Oh, hi.

[Chuckles] Uh... hi.

Wh... Uh, uh, are we supposed to have lunch today?

- 'Cause I don't... I wasn't gonna eat this flan. - No, I...

I got this for somebody else. There you go.

Uh, no, I just actually came by to work things out with Kyle.

Honey? Honey? I did...

And something really wonderful happened.

Yes, wonderful things always happen When wives visit Unannounced.

Can I talk to you in the office? It's a completely unrelated matter, so...

go ahead. No, I got to get back to work.

- What was... - Okay. Okay, Bye. Love you.

Okay, Bye. Love you, too.

Okay. Okay. That's...

don't even think about it!

What's up?

Your wife's a menace.

S-Somehow she talked me into giving Kyle a promotion to boat salesman.

Boat salesman?

How did you let my wife talk you into doing that?

I don't know. It all happened so fast.

There was a flurry of hair and teeth.

I don't know.

You know I have trouble saying no to attractive women.

I mean, that's how I ended up with four wives.

And more recently, a-a pair of skinny jeans.

That's not a good idea.

A guy your age should be able to sit down.

Just tell Kyle you changed your mind.

Tell him he can't be a salesman.

I can't do that.

You should have seen the kid's face light up.

Oh, it would be cruel to take that away from him!

[chuckling] No. You do it.

Me?

Yeah, yes. You married Vanessa.

Listen, it's always a bad idea.

When wives get involved in... in your business.

Yeah, that's how we end up with Yoko Ono and Hillary Clinton.

Hey, please, please explain to Vanessa not to interfere at the store.

She's never done this before, Ed.

Yeah, I know, but once they get a taste, they're hooked.

I'm telling you. [Sighs]

My second wife, she wanted to add a section to our store

to sell scented Candles and potpourri.

It would have been a perfect place for you to wear your skinny jeans.

[chuckles]

[sighs]

What?!

[chuckles]

I spilled in the kitchen.

Well, clean it up.

I tried, but now the hose won't turn off.

You brought the hose in the house?!

What are you talking about?

[chuckles]

- Made you look! [Laughs] - Funny.

Very funny.

You know, I've got a really big test tomorrow,

and I don't have time to go running all over the house

trying to make your death look like an accident.

[sighs]

- Want to play a game? - No.

- Want to play a game? - No!

Want to play a game? Okay, stop!

[Sighs]

Hey, Boyd. You know what would be a really fun game?

What?

It's called "Cave explorer."

- Okay. - Come with me.

All right. So, I give you this flashlight,

turn off all the lights in the basement, and, uh, send you down there.

To look for what?

Don't worry. It'll find you.

Cool.

- Hey, there. - Hey, honey.

So, how were things at work today?

Well, you should know.

Ed said you're making a lot of big decisions around there.

I'm so glad I stood up for Kyle.

You know, I think, with a little more support,

- he could really make something of himself. - Honey, honey, Honey.

Look, when you come to work like that, you upset a delicate ecosystem.

Could you get to the point without the metaphor?

It's like the mississippi river, all right? Oh, no. No.

An asian carp got introduced into the mississippi river.

It's an invasive species that's called the bighead,

and it pushed out other fish, it ate the vegetation, caused erosion, flooding.

Towns were devastated.

That's how it felt at work today.

So, I'm a carp?

I-I thought I was a playful elephant.

[chuckles] you didn't like that.

So now you're a well-meaning bighead destroying other species.

I don't see how promoting Kyle devastates anything.

It devastates our sales force. He's not a salesman.

Oh, just give him a chance.

I'm just trying to build his confidence.

I appreciate ambition, I really do,

but you're pushing this kid past his abilities.

- You're a good salesman. Give him some pointers. - I can't... No, no. It's not that simple.

Sales involves an edge.

He's too sweet a kid.

He's only hated one person in his life,

and that person has made him a boat salesman.

You're wrong about Kyle, and you are wrong about me being a bighead.

Well-meaning bighead. Playful elephant. Try to focus on the adjectives.

Hey. Oh, hey, mom.

Thanks for ruining my boyfriend.

Whoa! See? Total devastation.

I did not ruin Kyle.

I'm just trying to help him better himself.

Well, all he wants to talk about now is the stupid boat job you got him.

Inboard, outboard, fiberglass, aluminum... Oh, my God.

Look at all the stuff that I know now.

Good going, bighead.

She's a beauty, isn't she?

And it's "a boat" time for you to buy one.

Oh, man, I love it, and it's right in my price range.

Well, not really once you factor in taxes, maintenance, a trailer, dock fees.

And when you drop it in the water, it loses half its value.

You don't make it sound very appealing.

- Oh, no. They say the two best days in a boat owner's life... - Kyle, Kyle, Kyle!

Hold on.

Is the day he buys one and the day he sells it.

So you're guaranteed at least two great days.

Yeah, I should probably talk it over with my wife.

Hey, hold on a second.

You might want to talk to Dave, our sales manager, about the financing options.

Very attractive on this model.

Yeah, okay. [Chuckling] okay.

Hey, you forgot to tell him that boats flip, catch fire, and people drown.

Dave will fill him in. He knows his stuff.

Kyle, when you get to big-ticket items, you got to learn how to close the sale.

What if they don't need a boat?

Listen, you're not the government.

It's not your job to tell people what they need.

Let's focus on the positive,

- and let's role-play a little bit. - Okay.

Okay? [Clears throat]

Hey, you work here?

Yeah, I'm Kyle.

I'm interested in this boat here.

- Boy, what a beauty, huh? - Oh. Oh, yeah.

- Uh, this beauty is our open-Bow model. - Wow.

So, when it flips, you won't get trapped under it.

And it's red.

Cave explorer?

Oh, hey.

So, you finally spent some time with your kid.

You locked Boyd in the basement.

He was fine. It's a bomb shelter.

If we'd all been nuked, you'd be thanking me.

Yeah, well, we weren't nuked, so I guess the Joke's on you.

You are never watching my son again.

[chuckling] Oh, that'll show me.

I can't believe you! You are so completely selfish.

Oh, because I don't want to drop everything to watch your kid, I'm selfish?

What about the millions of times I gave up everything

to watch you when you were Boyd's age, huh?

That was different. I was an unbridled delight.

You were an unbridled brat, okay?

[chuckles] But we... we still had fun together.

Remember? We... we used to play Candy Land and watch inappropriate movies.

You... You would dress up in Dad's camo gear and...

Oh, yeah, and I'd do that killer impression of him. Mm-hmm.

[as Mike] Oh, John Kerry's a communist.

These colors don't run!

Boyd is your nephew.

Why can't you just try and have more fun with him?

You're just afraid that, uh, he's gonna beat you at Candy Land, huh?

No way.

I can drop that queen frostine card out of my sleeve anytime I need it.

Okay, no. You're right.

If Dad's gonna make me watch Boyd all the time, I should make the best of it.

Hey. You know what might be fun for us?

What?

A little Candy Land rematch. Right now.

You and me.

You serious? Yeah.

Now I'm sorry I told you I cheat.

Yeah, just go get the game.

Prepare to be spanked by lord licorice.

First, we'll play a little game of cave explorer.

What?! What?! Hey! No!

[Pounding]

Hey!

[sighs]

All right. I guess I had that one coming.

Hey, Mike Baxter here for outdoor man.

Boats... Sleek, powerful, beautiful.

I like boats.

Why? Because they know their purpose.

They float... At least, ours do.

The ancient greeks had a term for living up to one's potential... Telos.

The telos of an acorn is an oak tree, but don't tell the oak tree

its telos is the dining-Room table you buy at Paul's house of oak.

The challenge of our lives is figuring out what we were born to do

and doing it to the best of our abilities.

The real greek tragedy is spending your life chasing the wrong telos.

Trust me.

When I was young, I chased a lot of telos.

I had a Buddy who was convinced he should be in show business,

spent 20 years chasing that dream, working hard at being an actor.

Finally, he had to make some dough.

And you know what he discovered?

He liked landscaping, and he was great at it.

Now he's living his telos in taos.

And he's never been happier.

If you need someone to cut your grass

who's also been in one radioshack commercial, I know a guy.

So, what's your telos?

And can you achieve it by buying this boat?

I'd say yes.

- Sorry, Mike. - Where you been?

We were supposed to have the inventory meeting 20 minutes ago. Yeah.

I came this close to asking Somebody about their family.

Kyle used to pick up my dry cleaning for me.

Apparently, if they don't know your face, you need some kind of ticket.

That's a sundress, Ed.

I don't think you have the shoulders or the legs to pull that off.

I-I grabbed whatever I could and ran.

I haven't been chased that hard by vietnamese people since the war.

You know, they say war changes a man, and here you are stealing women's clothes.

Look at this. No Kyle, no coffee.

You know, I-I asked you to fix this Kyle situation.

I'm working on it.

- You know, I really miss that kid. - Yeah.

Yeah. Everybody thinks it's the big shots who run things.

No, it's the unsung doofuses like Kyle who keep things ticking.

Hey, Kyle, we were just talking about you, right, Ed?

Tell him.

Yes, yes. Son, I, uh...

I just want you to know that, uh,

I-I'd be lying if I didn't say I miss not having you here.

Okay. I-I'm a little lost.

Does that mean you miss me or you don't miss me?

Listen, I just poured my heart out. Don't make me repeat it twice.

Listen, if selling boats isn't working out, I'd be very happy if you went back

to running errands and making coffee.

Well, if I did that, you'd be losing

your number-one boat salesman at outdoor man.

At least till Dave gets back from lunch.

Well, that's... Seriously? You sold a boat?

Yeah. Must be all that jalape�o cheese I'm eating, because I am on fire.

23-Foot sea mistress, fishing gear... what?

Life preservers, and a snow mobile.

Snow mobile? Nice add-on.

Congratulations, Kyle.

I wouldn't be lying if I didn't say I wasn't impressed.

Thank you or I'm sorry.

The most important thing is, finally Mrs. B. is gonna think I'm worthy.

Well, that must make you feel good.

Well, I'm sure it's gonna make Mrs. B. feel great about me.

How does a sale like this make you feel?

Truly horrible.

Like there's a permanent stain on my soul.

All right. Here's what I heard.

"Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You sold a boat."

The customer was this old guy on a fixed income.

He had such kind eyes, just like that little baby... something I picked out of your tire.

So, you hate what you're doing, but you don't want to disappoint my wife.

Been there.

It's okay, Mr. B.

I guess I'll get used to hating myself.

Maybe we can find you a job around here where you don't die a little bit each day.

Oh, come on. It's only just a little dying.

I mean, the kid's a great boat salesman.

No. I'm not great.

But you know who would be is... Is Jeff is clothing.

He's a really good salesman.

Well, I guess I'll have a job to fill in the clothing department.

Well, you know who has a real eye for fashion

is Javier down on the loading dock.

Big Javier or skinny Javier?

Oh, skinny Javier.

But between you and me, he picks out big Javier's outfits.

You seem to know who's good at what around here.

Yeah. I-I float from department to department.

People always seem glad to see me.

It's because of his uncanny resemblance to a golden retriever.

Thank you.

You know what this sounds like?

Sounds like a sales-floor coordinator.

- What's a sales-floor coordinator? - Kyle's new job. Congratulations.

What's happening?

We just gave Kyle a promotion.

Again?

Yeah. He can advise us about who fits in what job best

by floating department to department, doing various jobs,

including, if it's all right, making Ed's coffee.

So he's still a floater.

Nope. Didn't you hear him?

I am the New sales-Floor coordinator.

Which means I should make more money, right?

You know, "Should" is a fancy word, Kyle.

Mm, not really.

I suppose we could talk about a raise, right, Ed?

What's happening?

- Hey, honey. - Hey.

Hey. Guess what...

the ecosystem has been restored at work.

No more flooding, no more devastation.

Mm. You know, I guess I just got a little carried away

trying to make things right with Kyle.

- I know you did. - Yeah.

But you were right. The kid does have some potential.

Good. Well, thank you.

So, you're no longer the playful elephant or the well-meaning bighead.

[chuckles] That's sweet.

Now you're the lucky octopus.

Oh. That's the octopus that picks all the winning soccer teams.

I'll take it. Fine. Good. Good.

Wait, wait, wa-wait.

Where are you going with the cereal?

I'm gonna put them in my gun safe.

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