Original subtitles

Subripper 0.3

(Man) There are no trains standing in platforms one, two, three or four.

And there will be none for hours because it's Sunday afternoon in our town.

The cafe's are closed,

the public houses are closed.

But the churches are open

and the cinemas hope to open shortly.

(Man belches)

- I should never have had that last pint. - You might at least take your boots off.

Marjorie, Johnny's here.

Marge, Johnny's downstairs.

ok.

- (Tom) Marge? - Coming.

- Haven't you finished yet? - Goodbye, Mum.

- Hello, Johnny. - Hello, Marge.

- What a day, eh? - Hadn't noticed it much.

Thought we might go out for a run on the bikes later if it clears up.

I'd sooner go to the pictures.

- Ah, you would. - Well, why not?

Well, there's nothing on on Sundays.

There's Simon Abbott in The Shadow of The orient at the odelphie.

- We've seen that before. - Well, I'd like to see it again.

We can take our bikes out Wednesday.

- We can't Wednesday. - Why not?

- Darts club, league cup. - You and your darts.

Come on, they'll be a queue a mile long.

Our way of life is so very very different.

Here in the desert there is so little to do.

- It's enough. - Ah, but my darling, for how long?

Soon you will miss your green fields and your old church spires.

And when that day comes, you will tire of me.

Never, Yasmeen.

I have been all mixed up inside myseIf lately.

But you have put me straight again.

The moment I saw you standing there before me

as simple as Joan ofArc, as mysterious as the Mona Lisa...

and...

barefooted like the constant nymph lookingjust the way you do now.

Something inside me snapped.

My darling, if we can only believe in the things in life that matter,

the real things.

- Everything's going to be all right. - Kiss me.

- Happy? - Mm.

(Usherettes) lces! lces!

lces! lces!

- lce, Marge? - lsn't he gorgeous?

Eh? Well, I'm gonna have one anyway.

Miss?

- one please. - 3d?

Please. Thank you.

Gosh, Marge, you'd smash 'em.

Riding round Victoria Park with half the town stretching their necks off?

- You'd catch me! - Catch me letting you for that matter.

- Not that you wouldn't win, hands down. - Thanks.

Gosh, Marge, I can just imagine.

Well, you can just stop imagining. And wipe that ice cream off your tie.

Sorry, Marge.

- Morning, Marjorie. - Morning, Mr Buller.

- Coffee? - Mm-hm.

Anything else?

You going to the dance at the town hall on Wednesday?

I hadn't thought about it.

They're picking Lady Godiva for the pageant.

You ought to be just the job... with your eyes.

Do you want toast?

I've got a couple of tickets, if you'd care to come along.

I'm afraid I have a date, thank you very much.

That takes care of that then. Bring me some biscuits.

What do you think!

Mr Buller's just asked me to go with him to the dance on Wednesday.

- Go on. - Why don't you?

You know what they call him, the woIf in the gents' clothing.

I'd rather have him than a butter smacker at the Co-op.

You can leave Johnny West's name out of this, lda.

ok, sweetie.

one coffee, Annie, please.

Do you know what? He wanted me to go into the Lady Godiva competition.

He's got a nerve.

- What'd you tell him? - I said I had a date.

Not that I have, Johnny's got a darts match Wednesday night.

And biscuits, Annie, please.

I'd love to have gone, really, just to watch.

- Johnny'd murder you. - He'd never know.

- Somebody would be bound to tell him. - Well supposing they did,

I'm not tied to him. For two pins I'd tell Mr Buller I'd changed my mind.

I wouldn't if I were you.

Are you going to the dance, town hall on Wednesday?

I don't know.

They're choosing Lady Godiva for the pageant.

You know, you might be just the job, with your eyes.

oh, do you think so?

Another coffee.

Trouble is, it would mean staggering onto some wretched dance floor.

Yes, of course.

- You didn't say anything, did you? - He's got Myrtle Shaw with him.

Just because she's on scents and soap, she thinks she's Lady muck.

(As Myrtle) "lt would mean staggering on some wretched dance floor."

You mean to say he's asked Myrtle Shaw to go into the competition?

- Sounded like it. - If she wins it,

they'lI have to give her a black horse so that we know which is which.

Baked beans for the old bag and the junior, Miss Annie.

(Annie) okey doke.

Er...ladies and gentlemen,

it gives me very great pleasure to announce

that our of festival Britain committee

have honoured us with their presence here this evening

in order to select a young lady to erect the coveted role of Lady Godiva

in the forthcoming pageant, to be held in Victoria park.

Now, ladies, will all those intending to enter the competition

please step forward in front of the stage and when the band starts playing

move around in a circle stopping one by one in front of the judges,

so that they can get a good look at each and every one of you.

Thank you, thank you.

- I thought you weren't coming. - I got knocked out, first round.

Have I, er, have I missed the fun?

- It's only just started. - (Man) Come along, girls.

Marge, there goes Myrtle.

(Man) This is your very last chance, you know.

Won't be many Peeping Toms if she wins. (Chuckles)

(~ Band starts)

~ If I painted a picture of you

~ I'd steal the pearly dew

~ of an April dawn... ~

Look, there's Cynthia Phillips and Madge Thompson.

You're miles better than that lot.

Ha! Are you trying to insult her?

~ ..Picture of you

~ I'd take the twilight moon when a star... ~

Look, haIf the town's going in.

Why not, for the fun of it? I'll come with you.

Marge, you're not entering for no beauty competition.

- Since when have you given me orders? - Come of it, you know what I mean.

- I don't in the least. - Listen,

if you go out there and make an exhibition of yourself...

- I'll go home. - All right, go home, I don't care.

- That settles it. Come on, Janie. - Do you think we ought to?

If you don't, I'm going to.

- Now look what you've done. - I didn't mean it seriously, Johnny.

Really I didn't.

~ If I painted a picture of you ~

Fares, please. Any more fares?

I only did it to spite Myrtle Shaw, you know that.

Yes, and look where it's landed you.

But I never dreamt I'd win it. I never expected anything like this to happen.

Well, I hope you're satisfied anyway.

Everyone's imagining you riding around the town on a white horse.

- With nothing on. - (Marjorie) oh, shut up, can't you?

All I can say if it were me I'd be jumping for joy.

- Well, it's not you. - Just imagine, free photographs.

You might even be offered a job modelling at Chanters stores.

I'm thinking of Dad. He'll tear the place apart when he hears.

(Hoot)

Syl?

Sylvia?

Come on, Syl, don't mess about. They're five minutes late again.

Right, Acacia.

Three Herald.

Five Express and Mail.

Six Mirror.

Nine Times, an Echo.

Didn't number nine order a Worker as well?

Yeah, that's right.

Well, why didn't you put it in the book? What do they want a Worker for anyway?

- Racing. - Huh!

Come on, Echo. Echo.

Don't start reading 'em when we're trying to get 'em out.

- Dad? - What?

Look.

And she never said a word.

Lady Godiva! 1 2 want a Daltons Weekly.

Where are you going? You're not going up to her?

- Marjorie? - Dad?

- Marjorie? - Dad!

What's the meaning of this? Nothing? You call that nothing?

I didn't mean to go in for it, Dad, really I didn't.

- I only did it for laugh... - What's going on?

Stop it, Dad, stop it! You can't do that!

- I'm 21 ! - Come out of there you brazen little...

- Do you hear me? - What is all this?

- Marjorie? - I'm not coming out, Dad.

- (Boy) Mr Clark? - You'll do as I tell you.

- Mr Clark? - Yes, what is it? What do you want?

Dad wants his Feather World and haIf an ounce of snuff.

- Sylvia, go and serve him. - oh, not me.

oh, I see the two of you, eh? But I haven't done with you, my lady.

We've had no scandal here since I found the chewing gum on the bed post.

And we're having none now!

(Music on radio)

oh, do be quiet.

Must we have that row?

- I'm waiting for Take lt From Here. - Well take it somewhere else.

Here I am trying to save the family from disgrace

- and nobody cares a wrap. - I do, dear.

If this happened in America, Marge'd be the toast of the town.

Will you iron your pants and keep your trap shut?

Fat lot she knows about America anyway.

- Sam told me plenty. - Ah, Sam!

ok, Sam! I wished to heaven I'd married him sometimes.

I wish to heaven you had, and his blooming hamburger stand.

At least I wouldn't have had to stagnate in this dump!

- (Bell rings) - Shop, Sylvia, your turn.

Up and down every five minutes to serve two penn'orth of liquorice allsorts

to some snotty-nosed kid!

- Can't you two stop it? - (Marjorie sniffles)

How's this, Mum?

"lt has been drawn to my attention that my daughter Marjorie Clark

"has been selected by your committee

"to be Lady Godiva in the forthcoming pageant.

"This is to inform you that I cannot allow her to do it.

- "Yours truly." - That's a bit abrupt, Tom, isn't it?

Remember Alderman Wiggins is a friend of Mr Turner's.

- I don't have to pander to any landlord. - I know, Tom,

but you could say you regret or something.

Johnny's here.

Don't let him in here with me looking like this.

Evening, everybody.

Marjorie? I wanna talk to you.

You've got a nerve, Johnny West, barging in here without being asked.

Hey, Marge, who's been making you cry?

I have and with good reason.

"I regret I cannot allow my daughter to take part in the..."

What? I can't say pageant, I said it once.

- (Bell ringing) - Harry?

- (Sylvia) Your turn, Harry, go on. - I can fry that Yank with his hamburgers.

- oh, how can I think of words? - Perhaps Johnny can help.

I want another word for pageant.

"I regret I cannot allow my daughter to take part in the..."

- What? - Ceremony?

- No, that sounds religious. - Fun and games?

There'll be another pair of pants ironed in a minute, my girl.

I really don't see why you can't use pageant again, Tom.

Yes, all right, pageant.

- (Marjorie snivelling) - Marjorie?

Marjorie?

Why don't you answer when I talk to you?

Don't sit there snivelling, go out for a bicycle ride with Johnny.

Yes, come on, Marge, fresh air will do you good.

And you can take a couple of bars of nut milk on your way out if you like.

oh, Tom, you are funny.

Well, she's young and foolish. Got led into it, I suppose.

It's all over now, anyway.

There's a fellow in the shop who wants to take a picture of Marjorie.

He said he's from the Nudist Times.

We've started something this time,

what with this and that that Parson chap last Sunday.

- Couldn't we compromise? - How do you mean?

Well, I take it it was never really intended that she should be entirely...stark.

What? Haven't given it a lot of thought.

I suppose she'lI have to wear something.

Piece of chiffon, possibly?

She's supposed to be Godiva, not Salome.

Mm. From the tone of her old man's letter,

he'd kick if she was got up as Florence Nightingale.

Don't you believe it. We'll go along and talk to him.

We're on to a good thing here.

Do you realise this is the first time the town's been mentioned

in the national press since the News of The World reported

that case of Scoutmaster Dodds.

You see, Mr Clark, we er, selected your daughter

because we felt, quite frankly, that she was the loveliest girl in the town.

- Always seemed ordinary to me. - oh, Tom!

- Well, you admit it's an honour. - I don't know so much.

Come now, Lady Godiva was one of our greatest heroines.

She rode through the streets of Coventry with the highest possible motives.

Nothing saucy about it.

I'm not gonna have my daughter gallivanting around in the buff.

But, my dear Clark, surely you never imagine we'd allow that.

- What would the watch committee do? - Watch.

Go upstairs and see to the beds, dear.

Where were we? oh, yes.

Naturally, your daughter will be adequately clothed.

- Yes, a two piece perhaps. - Possibly three.

What about the hullabaloo the Women's lnstitute and that Parson are kicking up?

If we were to tell you they approved of your daughter riding in the procession...

- Have they? - We have reason to think they will.

Well you'll hardly disapprove in that case, surely.

We wouldn't dream of allowing any vulgar note to mar the dignity

of such a great civic occasion.

(~ Band playing)

There's Marge.

Hello, Marge!

- Hello! - Hey, Marge.

We've been followed all the way home from work by a spiv in a sports car.

- That's him outside. - (Car door shuts)

Ah, nothing to worry about.

I'm sorry if I scared you, little girl.

Nobody's scared, mate. What do you want?

Easy, friend, easy.

Put it there, Mrs Clark, if it weighs a ton.

My name is Mooney.

I'm exploitation manager of Fascination Soap.

We're promoting a beauty competition to find Miss Fascination of 1 951 .

Class stuff, you understand, recognised beauty queens only.

No rubbish.

In short, Mrs Clark, that's why I'm after your daughter.

All expenses paid and if she wins, a cheque for �1 ,000,

a genuine mink coat and a three-month film contract in Dominant Films.

And if that isn't a gift horse, then lady, I never met the animal.

oh, Marge, did you hear that?

I caught the little lady's picture in the paper the other week, nice work.

of course it helps us and if she clicks, it's fame overnight.

Her dad doesn't hold with these things.

Not in the ordinary way, naturally,

but a proposition like this might change your whole life, Mrs. Clark.

That's what Dad's afraid of.

Mrs Clark, there are three million girls in this country between the ages 1 7 and 23

hurling themselves down the same blind alleys.

Dancers, speedways, films.

Worshipping at the altar of Jean Simmons and Betty Grable.

Living by proxy with what at the end of it?

Marriage to some factory worker, or counter hand.

Yeah. Eh?

Seven years to live and then the kitchen sink.

I'm offering your daughter a chance of escape.

When is this competition, Mr...?

Mooney's the name. At Westbourne in four weeks time.

oh, I see. We're very sorry if we seem rude but...

well, we weren't expecting anything like this.

- of course she'll accept. - That's the ticket. She won't regret it.

Well, I'm glad you see it this way and I'm sure Mr Clark will too.

Bye-bye.

Well, good luck, little girl. See you at Westbourne on the 28th.

I'll mail you all the dough. So long, son.

- And goodbye all. - (Bell rings)

Exit your fairy godfather to the jingle of bells.

Sylvia! What have you been and done?

I couldn't let Marge pass up a chance like that.

Can't you see what it would mean?

- lt means your father will hit the roof. - Well then don't tell him.

But we've booked for the holiday camp for the 28th.

You could go to Westbourne instead, couldn't you?

Marjorie, haven't you got anything to say?

Mum, did he really ask me to go in for a beauty competition?

Don't be so soft, of course he did.

Mum, Dad won't be home for hours, let's close up the shop and all go to the pub.

Sylvia, have you gone out of your mind?

(~ Rule Britannia)

(Children crying)

oh, look, photographers.

Just a moment. I'm from the Southern Clarion. Miss August, isn't it?

That's right, she's been beauty queen of enough places to fill a railway guide.

- Are you her manager? - No.

These are two friends of mine from Australia.

Just treating ourselves to a visit to the old country.

I see.

- Are you in the competition? - Yes, that's right.

Scrub that, the next coach has the Perfect Zip Fastener Girl.

- ls that all? - Thanks.

Marjorie, look up there.

Simon Abbott!

oh, no, I don't believe it.

- Are you in this soap circus, too? - That's right.

(Laughs) This is the girl you wanna watch out for.

She's been Miss Axminster, the Perfect Weatherproof Girl

and Miss Non-ferrous Metals of 1 950.

Don't take any notice of him, he goes on like that all the time.

I don't suppose that past successes count for much

in a competition of this sort.

After all it's the best-looking girl that wins.

We'lI see you at the hotel as soon as we get the digs fixed.

Don't be long, will you?

- Fascination over here, please. - I just want my case.

Your luggage will be brought up to your room. over here, there's a good girl.

Hello.

Girls, please.

It's an awful nuisance I know,

but I'm afraid I shalI have to ask you to share rooms.

- What? - (Girls) oh, no!

Now, girls, please, please.

It's the height of the season and the place is packed.

Why don't you two dig in together? She's new to this sort of thing, Doll.

Uh-huh.

Well I thought maybe you could, er...

show her the ropes, you know, drop her a few hints.

I'll show her the ropes, you drop her the hints. Come on, kid.

See you later, Vic dear.

We'll be in the bar, babe.

In there, you two.

Push on, the rest of you, don't hang about.

lt burns me up the way they treat you on these junkets.

our assets may not be intellectual

but at least we respond to a little old world courtesy.

Mm! Faces the sea, that's something.

And a bath. oh, that's for me.

I was crawling round the orchid Room till four this morning.

We were never introduced properly.

My name's Dolores August, christened Doll,

but the -ores was added just to give it class.

August isn't regular either but you can skip that.

- (knock on door) - Come in.

Vic and Larry are a couple of nice boys.

I ran across them the other day at the festival,

picked them up in the dome of discovery.

They're Australians in the pineapple business.

Larry grows them and Vic cans them.

I'll be in and out like a flash, you can follow me in.

They're absolutely reeking with dough.

Larry took a fancy to you, I could see that a mile off.

If you play your cards right, you'll be eating pineapple all your life.

- (Doll) He'll be at the reception. - ls there going to be a reception?

You bet!

You don't think they'd kick off this flesh jamboree without a party, do you?

lt'll start anytime now and go on all night.

But I'm meeting my friends.

Well, you can't afford to miss this, it's publicity.

You needn't stay more than an hour, they'll all be cock-eyed by then.

(knock on door)

Hello, kid. Everything all right?

The programme for tomorrow

and a box of soap with the compliments of the company.

- Where's Doll? - She's having a bath.

ok.

Hello, Doll. Just in time with the soap, it seems.

Er, it's about tomorrow, Doll, I've talked it over with the boys.

How much do they offer?

They'll give you a �1 00 down instead of the first prize.

That's big of them. What about the mink coat?

- oh, you know old man Green. - I do.

- How much? - �50.

50 quid instead of a mink coat?

Making it 1 50 alI told.

I'd do better out at that beachwear competition.

That was export only.

There's a bit of one-way traffic about this too.

Now look, Doll, how often can you pick up 1 50 quid

by strolling around for ten minutes in a swimsuit?

I picked up more than that walking ten yards in the dome of discovery.

If I was sure he was in the bag you could take a running jump at the whole racket.

- What about this film contract? - oh, that's on the level.

That's a refreshing note. What's it worth?

A three-month film contract at the glamour school at a tenner a week.

- I can earn more than that modelling. - The film business is economising.

Well, you can scrub round at that price. I'd never make a film star anyway.

No, it's the 50 quid instead of the mink coat that burns me up.

The fur business isn't doing too well either.

It's doing better than 50 smackers for a mink coat.

I'm sorry, Doll, those are the terms. It's take 'em or leave 'em.

- All right, I'll take it. - Good.

But it's the body beautiful at rock bottom prices.

Give me a cigarette will you, Eddie?

I hate doing this to you, Doll, I really do.

You know I sometimes wish that I was in some honest business like politics

or flogging nylons. So long.

So long.

Don't hang about, kid, the reception's at seven, dinner at haIf past.

It's only me.

He says it's a dinner as well now. What am I going to do about my friends?

oh, phone down and leave a message to say you'll be late.

- They'll understand. - I don't know so much.

- Who do I ask for? - Reception.

Could I speak to reception, please?

(Man) Speaking.

(Woman) Taking me to Travis? (Receptionist) Certainly, madam.

Come on, Johnny.

(Receptionist) Yes, I'll inform them, madam.

- Good evening. - Good evening.

- We've called to see Miss Marjorie Clark. - Ah, yes, she's just left a message

to say she's sorry but she has to attend a dinner.

Dinner? Who with?

The Fascination reception and dinner on the Pompadour suite, sir.

- She said she'd see you afterwards. - oh, did she?

Hear that, Janie? Why couldn't they have asked us as well?

oh, I expect it's evening dress.

I don't care if it's fancy dress. We're her friends, aren't we?

(Whispers) It's not Marjorie's fault.

What are you whispering for, we're not in church, are we?

- (Whispering) Johnny? - Well...

If she'd said something we could have gone to the pictures.

- We can go now, Johnny. - I don't want to go to the pictures.

Then let's get something to eat and we'll wait on the beach.

- That's a nice thing. - What else can we do?

Nothing, I suppose. Hey, mate?

Where's the nearest fish-and-chip shop?

I understand there's one in Market Street, sir.

Ta. Come on.

Excuse me, please. Would you give Miss Clark a message?

of course, madam.

Would you tell her we'll be on the beach at the bottom of South Street?

- I'll make a note of it, madam. - By the whelk stall.

- Very good, sir. - Ta-ta.

But it is not the quality of the product alone

which has made Fascination Soap a household word.

or perhaps I should say more properly a boudoir and bathroom word.

It is our insistence on telling the simple truth,

our slogan, Fascination Soap Fascinates...

Couldn't we slide out? I have, um... I have a little surprise for you.

- For me? - Nobody will notice, what do you say?

I don't mind.

..those three little words, Fascination Soap Fascinates.

- It's a peach of a night. - lsn't it?

- What did you say just now, Vic, about... - Surprise?

That's right. Close your eyes.

ok.

A bikini! How wonderful!

I thought perhaps you'd like to wear it to the competition tomorrow.

oh, you're an angel.

Mind you, you'll win even without... You know what I mean.

oh, you're prejudiced, Vic.

When I'm out there tomorrow with all those lovely girls,

I don't know what I'm going to do.

And you know deep down I'm so frightened I could run away

and I would too if it wasn't...for mum.

You're a sweet kid.

- (Man) Those three little words... - I shouldn't really, you know.

oh, a couple of minutes will make no difference.

Sea air might get the soap out of our ears.

So you see the least I can do is to make her life a little easier now.

They don't grow 'em like you, babe.

Listen, Doll, if things don't turn out right tomorrow, just come to your uncle Vic.

You don't know what you're saying, darling.

You bet your life I do. I know a girl when I see one

and I know all I need to know about you.

And I'll tell you something else - if you don't win that competition tomorrow,

if the judges are so blind that they offer the prizes to some other dame,

I'll buy you a mink coat myself.

You'll buy me a...a mink coat?

The brother of the one they're offering tomorrow.

Nothing but the best for you, Doll, that's me.

What's the matter, Doll? Anything wrong?

Nothing.

What do you do with yourseIf at home then, in a town like that?

oh, I don't know, I go to the pictures two or three times a week.

- Quite the addict. - What's that?

Someone who's crazy about films. knows all the film stars,

thinks they're little tin gods.

I don't do that.

I expect they're quite ordinary people, really.

(Cheering)

- Who is it? - It's Simon Abbott!

(Excited cheering)

lsn't it wonderful to think he's really here where I am?

It's really him. oh, I wouldn't have missed this for worlds.

Hey? Where are you going?

Simon! Simon! Simon!

Everything seems so different here from back home.

Even the sky looks different.

- Ah, it's started to rain. - No, it hasn't, Johnny.

- Well, it must be the sea, then. - I expect so.

- Stars are out, Johnny. Look at them. - I've seen them before.

What a way to start a bloomin' holiday.

(Applause)

And now comes the young lady wearing the mink coat

which will shortly grace the lucky winner of today's competition.

(Applause)

Take over from here.

Mr Alfred Green, chairman of orient Furs,

and one of the judges of Miss Fascination competition

has specially selected this coat from his new winter collection.

- Doll? - What's this?

The judges must have some way of identifying you.

But I've already got a costume.

The boys last night were in no condition to absorb anything but Scotch.

I've checked up. You're the only girl wearing a black one-piece.

- So that's your identity card. - But, Eddie I...

Abbott's late.

He's outside. I didn't want to get his entrance mixed up with the fur show.

Too many skunks together.

By the way it's the girl in the black one-piece.

The girl in the black one-piece.

Eddie, supposing Abbott don't agree with our choice?

You're two to one. It's a democratic decision.

What's the trouble, Marjorie?

oh, I don't know, I haven't worn this costume before, that's all.

You wouldn't like me to do you a little favour, would you?

How do you mean?

Well, Vic gave me a bikini last night, so I won't be wearing this.

You're not serious.

I'm dead serious. lt suits you, it suits me.

Wear it, my sweet, and ask no questions.

You'll paralyse the judges, believe me.

I have pleasure in introducing to you that great star of the screen, Simon Abbott.

Mr Abbott's latest picture, old Barcelona,

will shortly be showing in your local cinema.

(Applause)

(Chatter)

keep an eye open for the girl with the black costume.

I'm told she's pretty good.

Ladies and gentlemen, the lucky girl to win the title of Miss Fascination

will receive a check for �1 ,000, and the lovely mink coat you have just seen.

Also, a three-month film contract in Dominant Films academy of glamour.

So now ladies and gentlemen, it's...seconds out.

(Music starts)

Now, get into line please, girls, the show is starting. Come on now.

The first of the lovely contestants is Miss Angela Westwick.

Angela comes straight from a high school near Worcester.

A few weeks ago, she won the title of Miss Norfolk Broads.

(Applause)

Next we have a little girl from Scotland, Doris Campbell.

The pride of the Highlands.

Doris is the youngest of a large family.

She tells me she gets her chestnut hair from her mother

and her blue eyes from her father.

Come on now, girls, get back into line.

- Where's Daphne? - She went to fetch her lipstick.

Charlie? Go up to the dressing room and fetch Daphne.

I'd rather run a troop of girl guides.

And now we have Dorothy Morell, the Bangkoks Beauty Queen.

And believe me, those boys know their figures.

(Applause)

Followed by a little girl from High Wickham, Felicity Unsworth.

The soft furnishing manufacturer's ideal uphostlery girl.

(Applause)

- Nervous? - I am a bit.

Well, just take it easy. Stroll down the stairs as if next week will do,

and give the judges a slow flash of the ivories.

I shall never do it, I know I shan't.

(Eddie) Brenda comes from Blackburn.

Last year she was the Perfect Meat Marketing Board Girl.

(Applause)

Next in this dazzling array we have Marjorie Clark.

It's you now. Good luck.

Marjorie is a little waitress from the Midlands.

Many of you'll remember the sensation she caused

when she was chosen to play the role of lady Godiva in her town...

pageant.

(Laughter)

(Applause)

That's the little girl I was telling you about. Pretty good, eh?

Uh-uh.

(Applause)

What's wrong, Eddie? The next girl's waiting.

And last but by no means least, Dolores August.

This little...little lady recently won the title of Miss Axminster

which means she will take a lot of beating.

She'll get it, too. Take over, Phil, I've gotta see the judges.

What's the matter, Eddie?

- Mind what you're doing! - Get out of the way!

And now ladies and gentlemen, you know them all.

(Woman) Don't push!

And now it's up to the judges.

(Johnny) Thank you very much.

Well, I have made up my mind.

What do you say, Mr Burford?

Yes, yes, I think so.

And what about you, Mr Abbott?

Well, the blonde in the bikini holds herseIf well.

Does she?

And the girl with tassels has a good figure but, er...

I think the girl in the black costume carries my vote.

- Pardon? - The girl in the black costume.

Well, well! Fancy that! That is exactly what I was going to say myself.

Me too. Then we all agree.

Yes.

She's not bad.

- Well, shall I make the announcement? - By all means.

- What's the kid's name? - Marjorie Clark.

(Drum roll)

Ladies and gentlemen,

I have never discarded so many beautiful women in my life.

- (Johnny) Thank you, thank you. - The winner is Miss Marjorie Clark.

Those judges ought to have have their eyesight seen to.

Hooray!

And it is now my privilege to confer on Marjorie Clark

the title of Miss Fascination, 1 951 .

And to present her with the prizes which she has so justly won.

- Come along, Marjorie. - (Applause)

Ladies and gentlemen, I have very much pleasure

in making Marjorie Miss Fascination.

(Applause)

And now, after that very pleasant experience

I am happy to hand you a cheque for the first prize of �1 ,000.

And this very lovely and expensive looking mink coat.

Aah! (Gibbers)

Now we're very happy to introduce to you Britain's latest glamourpersonality

Miss Marjorie Clark.

Here she is.

Well, Marjorie, this must be a very exciting day foryou.

After all, it's quiet something to become a national beauty queen overnight.

I mean, haven't you been inundated with telegrams and telephone calls

and everything all day?

lt must be...wonderful.

Look, dear, there's nothing to worry about here.

All I want you to do is tojust say exactly in your own words,

how it feels to become a national beauty queen.

- Fine. - Fine?

Good.

Look, you haven't got a thing to worry about. All you've got to do is...

I say. Did you know about this?

Did you know she hadn't gone to the holiday camp?

Yes, Tom, I did.

"See story on page three."

I only did it because you made such a fuss the last time.

Me?

She's won �1 ,000, a film contract and a mink coat.

- What? - I said she's won �1 ,000,

a film contract and a mink coat!

I don't care what she's won. I've got no false ideas about Marjorie.

She's got no more strength of character than the rest of 'em.

Put her among fur coats and film stars, she'll go to pot, mark my words.

A thousand quid.

We're a couple of prize suckers, letting ourselves get shoved around like this.

But our expenses have been paid, Johnny, and we're seeing London.

Well, I didn't ask to see London, did I?

I wanted to go to a holiday camp and get brown.

But you want Marge to be a success, don't you?

Anyone can be a success having photos taken for soap ads. Even you could.

- oh, I couldn't, Johnny. - Why not?

You've got decent teeth and your legs... Well, they're jolly good.

You can smile...come to think of it, you know, you've got a jolly nice smile.

I've got a perfectly ordinary smile and you know it.

And what right have you got to be thinking of my legs, Johnny West?

oh no, no, no, I didn't mean it like that, Janie.

It's just that I can't help thinking of her

lying in a bath somewhere, one leg up in the air and a lump of soap in her hand.

Grinning like a Cheshire cat. lt makes my blood boil to think of it.

Lowering herseIf to things like that.

These cigars are not bad, Tom. How many did she give you?

A couple of hundred.

I suppose you'll be getting out of here now Marjorie's a film star.

She ain't no film star. Never will be.

There's no talent in our family apart from my wife's brother.

He plays the cornet.

You don't always have to have talent to be a film star, you know, Dad.

No, but you have to look as though you have.

Mark my words, in three months she'll be back home again.

What to?

Well, I'm not having her knocking around London.

I've read what happens to beauty queens when they're at a loose end.

Some of those old gaiety girls used to marry into the peerage.

Mm. And look at the peerage,

bolstered up with trade union leaders. Marge is not that sort anyway.

No? Well, she's got everything it takes.

Her picture's all over the country.

Soon her face will be as well known as Rita Hayward's or Betty Grable's.

She might even marry an lndian prince or a dance band leader

and go to Hollywood and have a coloured maid and a swimming pool.

She'll be a star!

In films, the range is much wider.

We'll start you off at the glamour school tomorrow,

and we'll take a few pictures of you at work there.

But I'm going home on Friday for a week. lt was agreed.

- That's right. - oh, we've lots to do before then.

We shalI want you on Thursday for the charity premiere with the other girls.

Don't she never get no time to herself?

When our starlets are not training they're expected to attend first nights,

open fetes, launch ships - small ships of course.

But when does she act in films?

Ah-ah. You mustn't create a precedent.

The trouble is that you've joined us at a particularly hectic period.

We've got all the Christmas magazine pictures to get off.

You mean throwing snowballs in bathing costumes?

Not necessarily.

To get into the big picture magazines we must have an angle.

Now let me see... Sweet, fresh, unsullied innocence.

Cinderella comes to town perhaps. Why not? With a chaperone, of course.

Now all we need is a nice presentable young man.

Marjorie dear, do you know of a nice presentable young man?

(knock on door)

Good afternoon.

I'm back in London so I thought I'd look you up.

- Come in, won't you. - Thanks.

I hope I'm not breaking anything up. Good day.

I just wondered if you'd like to come out and have a drink.

- Australian. - Sounds like it.

of course, if you're busy I could call back.

Just the job. "Fan from the wide open spaces

"meets lovely Marjorie whatshername at, say, the festival of Britain."

- Flogged to extinction. - oh, fun fair's are always good.

Now let's see, she's got the school tomorrow, the premiere on Thursday...

We'll make it Friday afternoon before she goes home.

Mm. Wonder if he's got a broad-brimmed hat.

one, two, tummies in, chins up, five, six.

one, two, tummies in, chins up, five, six.

one, two, one, two. Not too much hip swinging, dear.

one, two.

Stay, stay at home, my heart, and rest.

Home keeping hearts are happiest..t t t.

(All) Stay, stay at home, my heart, and rest.

Home keeping hearts are happiest...t.

Very good. Now we'll try our usual little exercise.

You, Marjorie, will find this very necessary in the next few months.

Repeat slowly after me, being careful clearly to enunciate your vowels.

Programmes five shillings, please.

- Programmes five shillings, please. - Programmes five shillings, please.

Thank you. Thank you.

Programmes five shillings, please.

Hello. You're looking very attractive tonight.

Thank you.

It's from the studio wardrobe. Jane Foster wore it in The Leaping Heart.

- I recognised it from the film. - Did you really?

- Have you started at that school yet? - Yes.

I'll give you a ring there tomorrow.

oh, but I won't be there, the studio publicity are taking me out somewhere.

I'll run you to earth.

Just one moment.

(Screaming)

There's a hill outside my window that's just a mass of wattle.

You call it mimosa over here. And all round the house is bougainvillea.

It's a bush with a beautiful red flower. You'd like it at Christmas there.

I've got a family of possums. Tame as you like.

They play all day long on the veranda.

I don't know where they got this hat from.

I've never seen one quiet like it in Australia.

He's off again. It's too bad, you know. He doesn't seem to want to help.

Just before sunset you can see the parrots flying home.

Cockatoos and parakeets all the colours of the rainbow,

the forests are full of them.

(Man) Now watch what you're doing, Mr Burns, please.

ok. Now.

oh, and I almost forgot what you'd like most of all, the koala bears.

- They're just like teddy bears. - Here, you lucky fellow.

People keep them in their gardens. There are kangaroos and wallabies...

Mind you, it's rough living but it's near to nature and somehow to me it's real.

Not like this.

Clutch each other cheek to jowl and register something urgent!

All the same I don't think I'd ever try and persuade a girl,

not a city girl to go and live out there.

It's pretty lonely and I'm not exactly the drawing room fellow.

I can't talk about much, I don't really know anything much.

The way I've been talking about myself today will give you a lead on that.

- I think you've been very interesting. - Do you reckon?

No, no, you can't really mean that.

I'll tell you what, though.

If you have dinner with me tonight, l promise we'll talk about nothing but you.

oh, I'm sorry, I'm going home tonight. I'm catching a train.

Well, couldn't you catch a later train?

I'm going back to Australia in a couple of days.

I can't, my friends will be waiting for me at the station.

Here you are, governor, hand-picked.

Thanks. koala bear.

Another round like that, you can have the joint.

I'lI see you at the train, then?

- Lolly? - No, thanks.

Will you do something for me?

Sign your name across a photograph and send it to me.

of course.

I'd like to join your fan club before the rush starts.

- I don't expect there'll be a rush. - I'll be a faithful fan anyway.

Will you?

Do you mind if I write to you once in a while?

- of course not. - You don't have to bother to reply.

- oh, but I'd like to. - Would you?

(Driver) All set.

Yeah. Nothing seems to be happening right for me today.

Yeah, all this stuff. Can I see you to the train?

oh, I'd rather you didn't. Johnny will be there and, well...

- No, I'll be all right, really. - I get it.

There she is.

Who won all that junk, you or the Australian?

He did.

Thank you, miss.

I've got a telegram. lt came for you at the hotel.

He was ever so nice, Janie. He just couldn't have been nicer.

oh, I expect it's from Mum.

He told me all about Australia.

He tell you about his wife and six kids?

What is it, Marge?

It's from Simon Abbott.

No, what's it say?

He wants me to come down to his yacht on Sunday

to meet Al Prince, a Hollywood producer.

The man who gave us Woman And Love.

That's right.

And Simon says he's looking for a girl just like me.

oh, Janie this is awful.

Ah...what's so awful about it?

I'm only be throwing away my whole career by going home, that's all.

Look, Marge, why don't you send a telegram home

saying that you're going home next weekend?

She can't. I've stood for this Australian fruit merchant

but I'm not gonna have her going boating with no film star.

If I want to go I'll go.

Not while I'm here you won't, we're gonna get this thing sorted out.

We're gonna have an understanding.

oh, is she? And what business is it of yours if she is, may I ask?

- Do you wanna make something of it? - I asked you a civil question.

(Man) And I gave you a civil answer.

- All right. - Marge, what are you doing?

Here!

Let go of my case, Johnny.

- Get back in there. - No!

- We're all washed up if you don't. - All right, we're washed up.

- (Horn blares) - All right, if that's the way you want it.

50 weeks of the year I smack butter.

The only two weeks holiday I get, I spend it chasing after a girl I never see

and when I do she gives me the rush.

If that don't make me a mug, I'd like to know what does.

Johnny, listen, it isn't true.

Johnny?

oh, talk to him, Janie, and explain to Mum and Dad.

Good afternoon.

Hello, madam. I never expected to see you so soon.

Your chauffer was ever so quick, he passed everything on the way.

The old bus certainly covers the ground all right.

Doesn't look old to me.

oh, last year's model but I've got attached to it.

Come and sit down, make yourseIf comfortable.

- It's really lovely here. - I like to get out of London when I can.

- Do you ever take it to the sea? - Good heavens, yes.

- Sailed down to Gravesend last week. - Really?

I'll mix you a drink.

Prince hasn't shown up yet.

But you can never tell with these film moguls. He might be hours late.

You won't give me anything strong, will you? I'm not used to drinking...yet.

oh, this won't do any harm, my dear, it's quiet mild.

I came upon the recipe when I was judging a cocktail competition in Athens.

That was when you were making The Man From The Foreign office

and you played the man.

Yes, that's right. Appalling script.

Well, here's to your name in lights, my dear.

Thank you.

I always think there's nothing so completely relaxing

as the Thames on a Sunday afternoon.

Away from all the panic, the studios, publicity stunts and what have you.

Which reminds me, I'd rather you treated this as an off the record visit.

- oh, I wouldn't dream of... - You know how it is. People talk.

After all I'm pretty much in the public eye.

Yes, of course you are.

Before you know where you are some reporter has it, we're practically married.

But they couldn't say that when you're married already.

There's a divorce pending and that's off the record too.

I don't know how you feel about it

but I just wouldn't like to see our friendship

made to look cheap in some gossip column.

oh, no, nor would I.

You don't mind my calling it a friendship?

of course not.

You see, this may sound odd after two minutes' conversation,

but when I saw you in that competition,

I thought, "There's someone who's different."

- I'm not really. - oh, you're wrong, you know.

I'm the kind of chap who has no illusions.

I can stand back and criticise myseIf severely

and that gives me a perspective on others.

I expect it does.

And believe me, when I talked to you the other night,

I'm not kidding, you took me back to the days when I was a good deal younger.

I always thought you were a good deal younger.

You know, younger than you look.

What I mean is you look awfully young really, for your age.

Thank you.

Well, you brought a picture to my mind of something I used to dream about

but never quite caught up with.

- Am I becoming sentimental? - lt doesn't matter.

You see, my ideas have got a bit mixed up lately

but the moment I saw you looking just the way you do now,

as simple as Joan of Arc

yet as mysterious as the Mona Lisa.

And barefooted like...

Like the constant nymph?

That's right. How did you guess?

I didn't, you said all that in your film The Shadow of The orient.

With Susan Foster, John Taylor and Mandel Jaan.

When you restored the balance of power in the Middle East.

Did I indeed?

And you said that if we believed in the things in life that matter,

the real things, everything would be all right.

You know I hate to shatter your illusions but I'm afraid I don't act in private life

like I do on the screen.

Even though I borrow the dialogue.

I didn't meant anything by that, really I didn't, Simon.

Don't apologise, please. Drink that up and have another before you go.

Before I go?

I'm afraid I can't stand fans who dote on every word and gesture.

I don't.

They create an entirely false picture, expect you to live up to it

then follow you about like a flock of sheep to make sure that you do.

- I don't do anything of the sort! - Then why did you come here?

Because you asked me here to meet Al Prince.

oh, yes, of course. So I did.

And now you stand there and insult me.

I've been behaving like an idiot.

It's just that I didn't realise the sort of girl you were.

I apologise.

Now listen, my dear, I don't want to make a sermon of this.

In any case I'm hardly the person to deliver one.

But the fact is you're too simple a girl for this racket.

Don't please think that I'm presuming. Really, I mean this.

Why not go home now and think over what I've said?

Think to yourseIf whether you shouldn't forget that there are such things as films.

Whether you wouldn't be much happier living the life that you're used to.

Now will you do that to please me?

Come along now, believe me, I'm quite sincere.

oh!

oh, Simon!

(Sobs)

- Here, what's going on? - Let me go.

- No, you don't. - What have you been up to?

- Yes. - Here, where are your shoes?

Cripes! We're too late.

What are you fellas doing on my yacht?

Never mind about your boat. What have you been doing to my daughter?

- Did you hear what he said? - I heard.

I don't want any unpleasantness.

Are you gonna stand there and let this swine insult Marjorie?

- oh, this is fantastic. - Haven't you a spark of manhood?

I know my responsibilities.

Now look here.

Help!

Help!

our chairman was deeply shocked. He phoned me this morning

our chairman was deeply shocked. He phoned me this morning

and asked me to get in touch with you.

I don't think I need explain why you've been asked to the studio, Miss Clark.

lncidents of this nature are most unwelcome in films.

You were a party to that brutal assault on Mr Abbott.

I've been instructed to invoke the morality clause in your contact

and terminate your engagement.

What about his morality?

That doesn't enter into it. Never has.

I'm very sorry this should have happened, very sorry indeed.

You'll receive an official letter from us in the morning.

Goodbye, Miss Clark.

(Sneezes)

I'm very sorry, Miss Clark, come back again in the autumn.

There may be something then.

I'm sorry our plans are a little vague just now. Good day, Miss Clark.

(Man) Come in.

The palatial offices of Brown and Brown chartered accountants are...

er...floor above.

But I want the optimum Films. This is right, isn't it?

I tried to phone but they said it was out of order.

oh, how nice of them to put it that way.

Mr Draper, the casting director,

said if I came back next month - that's now -

Mr Murington the producer would see me.

I'm afraid the casting director is no longer with us.

- lsn't he? - No.

No, Murington alone remains and he faces you.

- You mean you're the Mr Murington? - No longer "the".

- That. - lt was about a part in your new film.

My new film? Hm!

The casting director said he thought there might be a part in it for me.

Look, sit down, my child.

Surely you have heard of the British film crisis.

I thought it was over.

My dear girl, what with television to the left of us,

Hollywood to the right of us and the government behind us,

our industry, laughable term, is forever on the brink.

I didn't know, I'm sorry.

oh, not more than I am, my dear.

I have sat here for months waiting to start my new film.

I have my breakdowns, my cross plots, my shooting schedule.

I even have a script.

All I need is a quarter of a million pounds.

But they won't give it to me, Miss...?

- Clark. - Miss Clark.

Miss Clark, when I tell you that in the past my films have been so successful

that no other producer in the country has lost less money,

you'll understand how ludicrously impossible the situation has become.

- Have you had any lunch? - No, sir.

- You can have haIf my bun. - Thank you, sir.

Not at all.

Excuse fingers.

You know, it's a pity I can't help you

but I don't mind admitting that I find you a remarkably attractive young woman.

What's your name?

Marjorie Clark.

Marjorie Clark.

Mine's Haughtry. Haughtry Murington.

No, don't be alarmed, Marjorie.

In my present state of depression, I assure you're only too safe with me.

Have a drop of milk.

- Well if there's enough. - of course, of course.

Good luck, Marjorie.

Mind you,

time was when I'd have been quite unable to resist briskly pursuing you

round this desk, clockwise or anticlockwise.

They came equally to me.

Though I always thought I ran better in the right-hand course.

Ah, folie de jeunesse, where are you now?

You mean there won't be anything?

No, no, Marjorie, I'm afraid not.

In fact I don't quite know why I came in here today.

Probably to see the gas out.

lt sinks and I'm ready to depart.

- Come, I'lI see you to the bus, Marjorie. - I'll be quite all right, really.

You know, only few years ago, Marjorie,

my name was known to every financier in the City.

It's still known to them but not quite in the same happy light.

oh, in fact not in any light at all, it seems.

Come along, give me your hand, Marjorie.

I don't want to seem curious, my dear,

but what brings a smart girl like you to want to pawn a mink coat?

Perhaps because I'm not so smart,

I haven't worked much lately

and well, I need the money more than I need the coat.

Hello? ls that Fascination Soap publicity?

This is Marjorie Clark.

I was just ringing to tell you, I haven't received my box of soap this month...

Well could I speak to Mr Eddie Mooney please?

Left? Where's he gone?

I see.

Well, would you mind giving me his address then, please?

Yes.

- For you, Miss Clark. - oh, thanks.

I say, it's all right about the soap, it's just arrived. Thank you very much.

- Would you put it on the table, please? - Yes.

I'll say one thing about Marjorie - she certainly keeps the party clean.

Come on, kids, let's open it up, it'll be bath night tonight.

(Laughter)

oh, dear. It's not soap at all, it's tins.

Tins? What of?

- Pineapple. - I see. Look at that.

Well, what do you know?

Your mug on a tin of pineapple!

- Marjorie, tell us, how did you work this? - What does it say?

It's from a man I know in the pineapple business in Australia.

- What's he paying you for it? - He's not.

He's done it as a compliment to me.

You can't live on compliments, never on your Nelly.

It's worth a packet, he's used your picture without your permission.

You know what I'd do? I'd send him a letter and demand compensation.

But he's a friend of mine.

You can't mix friendship with business.

I can if I want to.

He's the only decent man I've ever met since I left home

and I wish to heaven I'd hung on to him!

So shut up, all of you.

Hello.

Well, would you believe it! Marjorie Clark!

Well, hello. Come on in.

What are you doing here?

oh, I don't know, I've struck a bad patch lately

and I thought you might be able to help me.

I'm not in the soap racket any longer.

- I know. - I'm publicising agricultural fertiliser.

Nothing in that line, I'm afraid.

I wasn't thinking of that.

Don't you know anyone in the entertainment business, Eddie?

I don't mind what it is - repertory, review. Television even.

Well, I know a few of the boys.

I've got a poker game going on at the moment. Come inside and have a drink.

I don't want to break up the game.

A horde of elephants wouldn't break this game up. Come on.

Boys, I'd like you to meet a friend of mine, Marjorie Clark.

- What would you like to drink? - Gin and something. orange, thank you.

Marjorie was with me in soap, Miss Fascination, 1 951 .

She wants a job, Lou.

Lou runs reviews. Started one on the road last week.

- Sing or dance? - No, I can't I'm afraid.

Show girl, eh? Give me three.

I'd do anything so long as I can be seen.

oh, you'd be seen all right. It's one of those French reviews.

What would I have to do?

If you can't sing or dance there's only one thing you can do in a French review.

I see.

Bit nippy playing Aberdeen at this time of year.

No, I don't think I could.

No, I didn't think you would either.

Are we settling this dame's future or are we playing cards?

- We're playing cards. - ok, I've got a plan...

- Do you know what I'd do if I were you? - Don't tell me.

I know, no girl ever goes home to her mother until after she's married.

I'll let you in on something, Eddie.

These past few weeks, I've been thinking about it.

Which? Going home or getting married?

Both.

Marjorie, your call's just come through.

Hello, Mum, it's me.

oh, darling, it is nice to hear you. Why didn't you phone before,

we've been so worried.

I don't know what time the train gets in. I forgot to look that up.

Mum, will you do something for me?

Ask Johnny to meet me at the station, just Johnny.

I'd like to see him first. I haven't written to him much lately.

Well, I'd like to put that right.

You'll catch him at the shop now.

- Are you there, Mum? - Yes, dear, I'm here.

It's just... Well, I thought you'd heard, Johnny's got engaged to Janie.

oh, Mum. Nobody told me.

Why didn't somebody? Johnny or Janie or someone.

Whatever made him do it?

He got the promise of a prefab.

Your receipt, Miss Clark.

oh, yes, thank you.

oh, and Mrs Jezzard says, where shall we forward the letters?

I'll send you the address.

ok.

(Telephone)

Hello?!

Where?

Australia?

Hold on, please.

Marjorie Clark? ls Marjorie around?

Seven quid a week. Can't pay more.

What do you say, kid?

(Lou) Right, you're engaged.

Show's at Aldershot this week, Dudley next.

You can join them there on Monday.

"Dear Mum and Dad, I'm writing this on the train north.

"We open tomorrow at Dudley." That's tonight.

(Shop bell)

"Next week we go south again to Boscombe, so..."

How many times have I told you not to scribble on the customers' papers?

"..so I shall be seeing quite a lot of the country before I'm through."

Dudley? Where's that?

- About 1 00 miles from here. - oh Mum, couldn't we go over tonight?

- We'd never get there. - Janie's brothers got a car

- that Johnny borrows sometimes. - That would be a cheek.

oh, Janie would fall over herseIf if she thought to see Marge acting on a stage.

Pile of toffee and a Beano comic.

"I'm playing in several scenes but I don't do much really."

Not very much, eh?

It's sounds like the first worthwhile thing she's done since she left home.

Pictures and things are all very well but... this is the theatre.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, where's the trombone?

oh, he's down at the barracks. He's on duty till five.

And the trumpet player, rehearsing for the brewers' ball.

- What's the good of a band? - lt will be all right tonight, Eddie.

Give me the last eight bars.

(Music resumes)

(Lou) All right, Wally.

Hello, deary. You're the new stripper, aren't you?

I'm Lucille Laroche. I'm in the same line, you know.

- We'll be working together. - Lucy?

- Arnold wants his sweet coupons. - oh, not again.

oh, erm, AIf my hubby. Marjorie, isn't it?

Pleased to meet you, duck.

- Well, what am I gonna do about him? - oh, give him a quarter of a pound.

Arnold's our eldest. He's a little terror.

He runs through the sweet coupons like a drunken cyclist.

- I'll get them, they're in my bag. - ok.

- See you later, dear. - (Eddie) What are you doing up there?

- Where's Lou? - Yes, where is he?

oh, there he is.

Lou, have you seen that outrage outside?

- our name's covered up. - By some brazen little brat.

A tit of a girl without talent or decency. It's outrageous.

How dare you put her name above ours on the bill.

This never happened to me at Covent Garden.

oh! You'd look fine singing Tosca in your birthday suit.

That is not funny.

And all because she rode around some tatty town as Lady Godiva.

(Man) What are you gonna do about it?

Wait a minute. you hit it... Godiva.

Joe? Where are you, Joe?

- I'm here, guv. - Get hold of a horse, a white one.

- What if I can't get a white one? - Then paint it white, you clot!

Thanks for the tip, Stella.

Never mind about the horse. What about our billing?

Shut up a minute, I'll fix that later. Somebody get that girl.

- Marjorie! - Godiva. It's an inspiration.

Marjorie?

What hit you, kid?

You're not gonna let them two upset you, are you?

All they ever did was to sing a duet from Desert Song on Workers Playtime.

But they're right. It's not decent and I haven't any talent.

Hey, Marjorie, the governor's looking for you.

Come on now. Snap out of it.

I'lI have a word with Lou.

See if I can't persuade him to let you wear a bit of drapery.

What's happening around here today?

- Now where have you been? - Lou, she's upset.

These opera howlers chucking insults at her.

Lou, can't you let her do the act with something on?

What do you think I'm running? Sunday school treat?

This is a French review.

It's got a French title, it's got a can-can and it's got to have nudes.

The public want art and the lord chamberlain says they can have it,

I'm not gonna deprive them of it.

Either she rides that horse like Lady Godiva did or she can scram.

ls that clear?

Fairly.

- Good afternoon. - Good afternoon.

- Mrs Clark? - No. No, I'm Mrs Tucker.

I look after the shop for them when they go out together.

oh, I see.

I wonder could you give us some idea of where they've gone.

I'm a friend of Marjorie's.

oh, they've gone to Dudley to see Marjorie.

- She's a theatrical now. - Well, what do you know!

Dudley, eh? How far's that?

oh, 80 miles or more...

(~ Can Can)

(Eddie) Where's the Eiffel Tower? (Lou) It's out in the passage.

(Eddie) Bring it in here! What d'you think I spent Thursday night making it for?

- Get to sleep all right, dear? - Arnold was fretting a bit.

I'll get him some bicarbonate.

You're always dosing him with that stuff!

- I'll just run down and get the keys, eh? - ok.

- Drop of Guinness, love? - No, thanks.

(Man) We're on in a second!

(Music ends, applause)

(~ Can Can resumes)

Not the sort of show I imagined. Bit saucy if you ask me.

oh, Tom, don't be so old-fashioned. It's supposed to take place in Paris.

ls it?

~ How long is always on a day to love

~ only because our life is one sweet song... ~

- You're not cold are you, dear? - No, it's just...

- oh, I know. First time. - I feel terrible.

oh, now look here, dear.

You're a respectable girl and I'm a respectable woman.

If it was wrong you don't suppose I'd do it, do you?

I know, but the people out there don't think that way.

oh, there's always people with nasty minds, see wrong in anything.

You don't want to worry about them.

All you've got to do is to think of something nice while you're posing.

- ls that what you do? - Yes, dear, I think about my kids.

And the old man. He can't work you know, it's very sad.

But sometimes I think about a love story I've read.

or one of them nice recipes they give out the wireless.

Like that one the other morning for a crispy cheesecake.

A single seat, please. Stalls.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

(Singing continues)

Now don't forget what I said, duck.

Where's me camouflage now?

'Ere, Fred. Check that.

Now remember, kid, when you come to Godiva, sit still on that horse.

If you scratch yourself it's a ten quid fine.

I'll remember.

They're not so bad here really you can give the boys a bit of a smile

but next week in Boscombe, don't bat an eyelid.

Marge is on next.

"Lucille Laroche and Marjorie in the beauties of history."

- "History"! - Well, you like historical films, Tom.

(Fanfare and drum roll)

From the dawn of time women have dedicated themselves to beauty.

Tonight Miss Lucille Laroche. Epstein's favourite model,

and Miss Marjorie Clark, the Fascination Soap Queen...

Sounds funny hearing her name like that.

..will depict some of the famous women

whose beauty has changed the course of history.

First and rightly first,

Miss Lucille Laroche as Eve, the mother of all women.

Boy.

Here you are, Marjorie, take these.

- And now, Miss Marjorie Clark as... - Good luck, deary.

..the woman whose beauty and courage has gone down through the ages.

The face that launched a thousand ships, Helen of Troy.

Miss Lucille Laroche as Salome,

the woman who lost all in her bid for a king's favour,

renowned for the dance of the seven veils,

the world's most famous dancing girl.

Come on, we're going.

What? Now?

And now, perhaps the most famous of all beautiful women in history,

- one who for hundreds of years has... - Do you think Chelsea will win?

I suppose not.

..who sacrificed herself in order to relieve the burden of taxes

which her husband had imposed upon the people - Lady Godiva.

The woman who devested herself of her clothing

and rode though the streets of Coventry to save the honour of the town.

(Laughter)

Let me go, you mad idiot! I'll call a policeman, I'll scream!

- Take us to a hotel any hotel, any hotel. - I said I'll scream!

(Screams)

oi!

What's going on? Where has she gone?

She can't do that, the show must go on. on with the motley.

Never mind about the motley. Taxi!

Taxi! Follow that car! Come on, get in.

You can't do this to me. I've got to finish the show!

You big blundering brute! You'll get me the sack for this.

- Great. - It's not great, I don't want the sack.

- It's my career! - What? That peep show?

What I do for a living is my business. Who gave you the right to judge me?

Now listen, my girl. I placed you on a pedestal.

I even put your face on my pineapple tins.

Did I ask to be put on your rotten old pineapple tins?

- Paris Hotel, guv. - I'm not going into any hotel.

I'm going back to the theatre.

Don't you lay a hand on me again!

I'll sue you for assault and battery!

You can get ten years for assault and battery.

I'll take her, come on. See me inside in a minute.

Stop pushing me. Leave me alone!

Where are you taking me now?

This lady has just had her flat burnt out, she's lost everything.

- She wants a room for the night. - oh, I'm ever so sorry, madam.

This sweater will do you and this pair of strides until we get you home.

I've got a scarf somewhere.

Do you seriously think I'm going to dress in your old clothes

and allow myseIf to be dragged home as if I was a child?

- Slippers. - I don't know how you treat women

in the Australian bush but I'm not used to it and I'm not going to put up with it.

I'll be in the bathroom. Give us a shout when you're changed.

If you think that accent's going to get you anywhere you're mistaken.

oh, you've done something to me tonight I'll never forgive you for!

Never! Do you hear me?

I don't know why we're rushing around, we never got pass out tickets.

- Shan't see the rest of the show now. - Number 1 1 , wasn't it?

lt wouldn't have taken ten seconds to get them.

(Marjorie) I'm only putting on these clothes to go back to the theatre

and take them off again! oh! oh!

How dare you burst into my room while I'm dressing!

- (Screams) - What's going on in there?

(Marjorie) You think you're mighty clever, don't you?

Well we'lI see, I'll scream the place down and bring the management.

- Hey! - Sounds as if they're here already.

Good! (Screams)

Johnny? Come on, bust the door down.

- Why pick on me? - (Marjorie screaming)

- Go on, Johnny. - It's none of my business.

Besides, she's not my girlfriend any more.

(Screaming)

All right. Wait a minute, who's gonna pay for the damage?

What's a damaged door compared with Marjorie's honour?

- (Screaming) - Yeah, I see what you mean.

Well, shut up then. Come on!

- (Screaming) - Stand well back.

Back.

Hurry up. We'll be too late again.

(Marjorie screaming)

Hey, it's mahogany!

If you don't open this door, we'll break it down.

- (knocking) - It's Dad.

- You hear me, Marjorie? - oh dear.

- (Mum) Don't worry Marjorie, we're here. - Mum too.

If that fella doesn't open this door, I'll break every bone in his body.

Larry, what are we going to do?

Let's rush it all together, men in front.

- lt must be three inches thick. - Ahh.

Here, haIf a mo.

Ready? one, two, three!

Hello, Mum.

Hello, Sylvia. Hello, Johnny.

Hello, Janie. Hello, Harry.

Hello, Dad.

We didn't come here to exchange how do you dos.

- I don't know who this fellow is but... - He's a friend of mine.

ls he? He didn't sound like it from the other side of that door.

He's from Australia. He grows pineapples.

I don't care if he grows rhubarb.

I don't know what he brought you here for and I don't want to know.

I never thought I'd see my daughter exposing herseIf on the stage.

Standing up there in full view with next to nothing on

for every hobbledehoy to gawp at.

- If you've fallen to that for a living... - Yes, I have, Dad.

Shall I tell you why?

I can't act and I can't even sing or dance.

All I've got in the world are my looks.

I suppose I could have married some fat old business man

but I wasn't brought up that way, thanks to you and Mum.

If I'd had any sense I'd have gone home but...

some things go to a girl's head when she's young and silly and vain

and they went to mine.

And now you're blaming me for earning a living the only way I know how.

oh, Larry, why did you have to come here just now?

I only wrote you letters about the weather.

lt was great weather.

~ ..come sailing in on Christmas day, on Christmas day

~ I saw three ships come sailing in on Christmas day in the morning ~

Come on now, who's the next customer? Who hasn't done anything?

- (Little girl) Mummy. - I don't know anything, darling.

Yes, you do. Show us your trick.

- That's silly, dear. - No, it isn't, no, it isn't.

Come on, darling, the kids love it.

- I'll feel like such a fool. - Well, I'll stand on me head afterwards.

This is the nearest I ever got to being a film star, I'm afraid.

(Applause)

Stay, stay at home, my heart, and rest.

Home keeping hearts are happiest.

(All) T, t, t.