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1
00:00:07,222 --> 00:00:11,411
[Dice] I was doing
80,000 seats a week...
2
00:00:11,412 --> 00:00:14,241
80,000 seats.
3
00:00:14,242 --> 00:00:18,221
When you reach that level
of success, you know, it's...
4
00:00:18,222 --> 00:00:20,311
it's hard to stay there.
5
00:00:20,312 --> 00:00:23,421
So when it got a little tough,
I grabbed my girlfriend, Carmen,
6
00:00:23,422 --> 00:00:25,391
and my sons, and we moved to Vegas
7
00:00:25,392 --> 00:00:27,431
to make things a little easier.
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00:00:27,432 --> 00:00:29,251
But the shows... well, you know,
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00:00:29,252 --> 00:00:31,636
that's not really happening right now.
10
00:00:31,639 --> 00:00:32,479
You know what I mean?
11
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So my only real source of income
12
00:00:34,392 --> 00:00:36,401
has been coming from gambling.
13
00:00:36,402 --> 00:00:39,341
Long story short,
14
00:00:39,342 --> 00:00:43,281
I need new windows,
15
00:00:43,282 --> 00:00:47,431
and... and I just don't
have money to pay for them.
16
00:00:47,432 --> 00:00:50,391
So you're saying you don't
want to pay for the windows?
17
00:00:50,392 --> 00:00:52,421
I'm saying I can't pay for the windows.
18
00:00:52,422 --> 00:00:56,441
Because honestly, when
you came through this door,
19
00:00:56,442 --> 00:00:58,441
I sort of felt like...
20
00:00:58,442 --> 00:01:00,291
like a friendship brewing between us,
21
00:01:00,292 --> 00:01:02,251
like immediately, just
the way we said hello
22
00:01:02,252 --> 00:01:03,321
and I gave you that little hug.
23
00:01:03,322 --> 00:01:05,211
Yeah, yeah.
24
00:01:05,212 --> 00:01:06,251
You know, my... my friend here
25
00:01:06,252 --> 00:01:07,371
will vouch for me on that.
26
00:01:07,372 --> 00:01:07,992
Right, Shake?
27
00:01:07,993 --> 00:01:09,541
What he's trying to
say is that sometimes
28
00:01:09,542 --> 00:01:13,361
people come here with
celebrity prices on things like windows.
29
00:01:13,362 --> 00:01:15,371
And what I'm saying, you know, is that
30
00:01:15,372 --> 00:01:17,371
it doesn't have to be that way.
31
00:01:17,372 --> 00:01:19,341
Let's put all that aside, okay?
32
00:01:19,342 --> 00:01:22,281
Let's... Let's just get
real for a minute, okay?
33
00:01:22,282 --> 00:01:26,291
Let's pretend I'm not Andrew Dice Clay.
34
00:01:26,292 --> 00:01:27,361
Who?
35
00:01:27,362 --> 00:01:29,352
Andrew Dice Clay.
36
00:01:32,382 --> 00:01:35,442
[Rock music plays]
37
00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:43,074
Everyone is intimidated by a shark. Become
a Card Shark AMERICASCARDROOM.COM
38
00:01:44,262 --> 00:01:45,421
Oh!
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00:01:45,422 --> 00:01:48,221
[Cheers and applause]
40
00:01:48,222 --> 00:01:51,321
[Crowd chanting "Dice!"]
41
00:01:51,322 --> 00:01:54,331
Top of the world, Ma.
42
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[Chanting continues]
43
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Synced and corrected by VitoSilans
- www.Addic7ed.com -
44
00:02:03,292 --> 00:02:07,212
[Drums playing]
45
00:02:18,432 --> 00:02:21,391
Babe, how's this sound?
46
00:02:21,392 --> 00:02:23,381
I don't have time right now.
47
00:02:23,382 --> 00:02:25,341
Do you like this dress?
48
00:02:25,342 --> 00:02:27,271
Yeah, beautiful.
49
00:02:27,272 --> 00:02:29,311
But do you like it
better than this dress?
50
00:02:29,312 --> 00:02:31,371
Babe, we're trying to do a thing here.
51
00:02:31,372 --> 00:02:32,431
Stop with the drumming!
52
00:02:32,432 --> 00:02:34,441
Are you fucking kidding me right now?!
53
00:02:34,442 --> 00:02:36,361
All right. I stopped.
54
00:02:36,362 --> 00:02:39,251
I just came in here! I
clearly have a question!
55
00:02:39,252 --> 00:02:40,291
- But I stopped!
- You don't care at all!
56
00:02:40,292 --> 00:02:41,361
I'm not doing anything!
57
00:02:41,362 --> 00:02:42,391
You want to know what's bothering me?!
58
00:02:42,392 --> 00:02:44,252
Am I hitting anything?!
59
00:02:46,222 --> 00:02:48,231
Sorry. We were just into it.
60
00:02:48,232 --> 00:02:50,321
You know what I mean? I-I
care what's going on.
61
00:02:50,322 --> 00:02:52,241
What's... What's the matter?
62
00:02:52,242 --> 00:02:54,421
Okay, my brother's called
me already five times today.
63
00:02:54,422 --> 00:02:57,271
He's really upset. His
wedding's falling apart.
64
00:02:57,272 --> 00:02:59,241
Well, weddings can be very stressful.
65
00:02:59,242 --> 00:03:01,281
The bakery got the date
wrong. He doesn't have a cake.
66
00:03:01,282 --> 00:03:02,431
He is so stressed, he's
making me stressed.
67
00:03:02,432 --> 00:03:05,321
Well, you know,
honestly, he did it to himself.
68
00:03:05,322 --> 00:03:07,261
- How?
- Well, I offered my help.
69
00:03:07,262 --> 00:03:08,371
I mean, honestly,
70
00:03:08,372 --> 00:03:09,441
this wedding could have
been one for the books,
71
00:03:09,442 --> 00:03:11,241
but he didn't want my help.
72
00:03:11,242 --> 00:03:12,241
Are you being serious right now?
73
00:03:12,242 --> 00:03:13,401
He's paying too much for the steak,
74
00:03:13,402 --> 00:03:15,231
too much for everything.
75
00:03:15,232 --> 00:03:17,241
I could have got him a free deejay.
76
00:03:17,242 --> 00:03:18,241
He didn't want it.
77
00:03:18,242 --> 00:03:19,351
And on top of everything,
78
00:03:19,352 --> 00:03:21,281
look at the shit linen fabric.
79
00:03:21,282 --> 00:03:23,321
Oh, my God. Enough about the linen.
80
00:03:23,322 --> 00:03:24,431
What do you mean enough about the linen?
81
00:03:24,432 --> 00:03:26,401
It's coarse. It doesn't
feel good on skin.
82
00:03:26,402 --> 00:03:29,301
I mean, I could live with
it, but it's nothing that...
83
00:03:29,302 --> 00:03:30,401
Andrew, I don't give a shit
84
00:03:30,402 --> 00:03:32,321
about your feelings about linen, okay?
85
00:03:32,322 --> 00:03:34,301
My brother wanted to
plan his own wedding.
86
00:03:34,302 --> 00:03:35,411
Get over it!
87
00:03:35,412 --> 00:03:38,241
I mean, since when do
you like weddings so much?
88
00:03:38,242 --> 00:03:39,421
I thought you hated weddings.
89
00:03:39,422 --> 00:03:41,271
Yeah, I hate weddings.
90
00:03:41,272 --> 00:03:43,291
Marriage doesn't work. It's depressing.
91
00:03:43,292 --> 00:03:44,351
If marriage doesn't work,
92
00:03:44,352 --> 00:03:46,411
why are you so excited about this one?
93
00:03:46,412 --> 00:03:48,361
Because this is a gay marriage.
94
00:03:48,362 --> 00:03:50,411
Okay, so marriage between
men and women don't work?
95
00:03:50,412 --> 00:03:53,291
That's right. Think of
all our friends, right?
96
00:03:53,292 --> 00:03:56,291
Everybody's sitting on the
couch the minute they get married,
97
00:03:56,292 --> 00:03:58,331
eating pretzels, watching reality shows.
98
00:03:58,332 --> 00:04:02,211
All of a sudden, you
forget why you even got together,
99
00:04:02,212 --> 00:04:03,371
and all the fucking stops.
100
00:04:03,372 --> 00:04:04,441
Not with gay marriage.
101
00:04:04,442 --> 00:04:06,271
They're always happy.
102
00:04:06,272 --> 00:04:08,211
They're always dressed to the nines.
103
00:04:08,212 --> 00:04:10,261
They're in top physical condition.
104
00:04:10,262 --> 00:04:13,301
They're in Palm
Springs three times a year,
105
00:04:13,302 --> 00:04:16,421
doing push-ups and sit-ups
like Navy fucking S.E.A.L.s.
106
00:04:16,422 --> 00:04:20,421
And that's why the
fucking and sucking continues.
107
00:04:20,422 --> 00:04:22,381
We have sex all the time.
108
00:04:22,382 --> 00:04:27,231
I know, but that's
'cause we're not married.
109
00:04:27,232 --> 00:04:28,391
[Dice] Why we got to be here so early?
110
00:04:28,392 --> 00:04:31,261
I mean, the wedding's not until 6:00.
111
00:04:31,262 --> 00:04:33,421
Well, I just want to
help my brother set up,
112
00:04:33,422 --> 00:04:37,271
and then I want to get my
hair done before the wedding.
113
00:04:37,272 --> 00:04:38,431
Have you been listening to anything
114
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I've been saying all day?
115
00:04:40,282 --> 00:04:42,221
Not the way you think.
116
00:04:42,222 --> 00:04:44,291
What's that supposed to mean?
117
00:04:44,292 --> 00:04:46,231
It means you're getting your hair done.
118
00:04:46,232 --> 00:04:47,291
How excited should I be?
119
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I don't need you to be excited.
120
00:04:48,442 --> 00:04:50,401
I just need you to know the schedule.
121
00:04:50,402 --> 00:04:52,311
Where's the gift? Did you bring a gift?
122
00:04:52,312 --> 00:04:54,311
Babe, I'm not gonna go traditional.
123
00:04:54,312 --> 00:04:56,371
What should I do, buy the guy a bowl?
124
00:04:56,372 --> 00:04:59,281
I'm going with cash,
125
00:04:59,282 --> 00:05:02,271
$1,000 in an envelope, the right way.
126
00:05:02,272 --> 00:05:03,361
We can't afford that.
127
00:05:03,362 --> 00:05:05,211
We can't afford not to.
128
00:05:05,212 --> 00:05:06,271
It's boomerang money.
129
00:05:06,272 --> 00:05:07,261
Boomerang money?
130
00:05:07,262 --> 00:05:09,211
Yeah. It comes back to us.
131
00:05:09,212 --> 00:05:10,351
Oh, okay. So, then, when we get married,
132
00:05:10,352 --> 00:05:12,301
he's gonna give us 1,000 bucks?
133
00:05:12,302 --> 00:05:15,241
No. Like, uh... like, on
a birthday or something.
134
00:05:15,242 --> 00:05:17,311
Relax. I'm just
busting your fucking onions.
135
00:05:17,312 --> 00:05:19,211
[laughing] Yeah.
136
00:05:19,212 --> 00:05:22,251
Babe, I-I know you
got to be here early.
137
00:05:22,252 --> 00:05:23,401
I get it. But why do I got to be here?
138
00:05:23,402 --> 00:05:25,291
You're here so I know you're here.
139
00:05:25,292 --> 00:05:26,281
So you know I'm here?
140
00:05:26,282 --> 00:05:27,291
That's why you're here.
141
00:05:27,292 --> 00:05:28,240
Carmen!
142
00:05:28,241 --> 00:05:30,391
Oh, FYI, uh, brother's
fiancé... not a fan.
143
00:05:30,392 --> 00:05:32,351
- Not a fan?
- Hey!
144
00:05:32,352 --> 00:05:34,241
Hey, Carmen!
145
00:05:34,242 --> 00:05:35,301
[laughs] Hi.
146
00:05:35,302 --> 00:05:36,401
Congratulations.
147
00:05:36,402 --> 00:05:37,431
- Oh, thank you.
- Congratulations, yeah.
148
00:05:37,432 --> 00:05:39,231
Are you guys feeling better?
149
00:05:39,232 --> 00:05:40,371
- Here you go.
- Thanks.
150
00:05:40,372 --> 00:05:42,391
Well, um, nothing has gone
wrong in almost 20 minutes,
151
00:05:42,392 --> 00:05:43,818
- so I'm feeling optimistic.
- Hey, you know what?
152
00:05:43,819 --> 00:05:46,441
Brides are always nervous on the day of.
153
00:05:46,442 --> 00:05:47,371
It's gonna be okay.
154
00:05:47,372 --> 00:05:49,241
Brides?
155
00:05:49,242 --> 00:05:51,241
Well, you know, grooms. Y-y...
156
00:05:51,242 --> 00:05:52,301
- Yeah, it's okay.
- No, no.
157
00:05:52,302 --> 00:05:54,431
You... You may think it's
okay, but this "bride"
158
00:05:54,432 --> 00:05:57,251
doesn't appreciate callous
remarks like that
159
00:05:57,252 --> 00:05:59,711
from a man who refers to
women by calling them "piglets."
160
00:05:59,712 --> 00:06:01,401
Yeah, in my act, my stage performance,
161
00:06:01,402 --> 00:06:03,291
my comedy routine.
162
00:06:03,292 --> 00:06:05,381
There's a big difference between Andrew,
163
00:06:05,382 --> 00:06:07,301
who's in front of you right now,
164
00:06:07,302 --> 00:06:09,311
and the guy onstage when I'm performing.
165
00:06:09,312 --> 00:06:11,321
Oh, okay, well, if...
if there is a difference,
166
00:06:11,322 --> 00:06:14,261
then why do you both
dress in fingerless gloves?
167
00:06:14,262 --> 00:06:17,251
Well, maybe we both
share the same fucking closet.
168
00:06:17,252 --> 00:06:18,401
What's the bug up your ass?
169
00:06:18,402 --> 00:06:20,241
- What a coincidence.
- Okay.
170
00:06:20,242 --> 00:06:21,351
Yeah, what a coincidence.
171
00:06:21,352 --> 00:06:23,401
I think... I think
that everyone's on edge today.
172
00:06:23,402 --> 00:06:25,321
Yeah. We're gonna go
talk to the florist, okay?
173
00:06:25,322 --> 00:06:27,211
- Okay.
- See you guys later.
174
00:06:27,212 --> 00:06:28,251
[Dice] Everybody's stressed out.
175
00:06:28,252 --> 00:06:29,301
All right. We'll see you later.
176
00:06:29,302 --> 00:06:30,291
- Okay.
- Yeah.
177
00:06:30,292 --> 00:06:32,291
Can you believe that guy?
178
00:06:32,292 --> 00:06:34,331
You still want to give him 1,000 bucks?
179
00:06:34,332 --> 00:06:36,291
$1,000. We're gonna make it $2,000.
180
00:06:36,292 --> 00:06:37,361
We're gonna teach them.
181
00:06:37,362 --> 00:06:38,361
Okay.
182
00:06:38,362 --> 00:06:39,311
I'm a good guy.
183
00:06:39,312 --> 00:06:40,311
I know, honey.
184
00:06:40,312 --> 00:06:42,241
Finally...
185
00:06:42,242 --> 00:06:45,291
a real human being I can talk to.
186
00:06:45,292 --> 00:06:47,221
Wait. Why is Milkshake here?
187
00:06:47,222 --> 00:06:48,311
He's my plus-one.
188
00:06:48,312 --> 00:06:51,221
You don't get a plus-one.
You're my plus-one.
189
00:06:51,222 --> 00:06:53,371
You really don't know
how weddings work, do you?
190
00:06:53,372 --> 00:06:55,381
- What do you mean?
- Okay, fine.
191
00:06:55,382 --> 00:06:57,221
You two get the gift.
192
00:06:57,222 --> 00:06:58,740
I'm gonna go get my hair done, okay?
193
00:06:58,741 --> 00:06:59,688
- Okay.
- All right.
194
00:06:59,689 --> 00:07:01,261
I'll see you later.
195
00:07:01,262 --> 00:07:04,221
♪ ♪
196
00:07:04,222 --> 00:07:05,281
Look at this... Vegas.
197
00:07:05,282 --> 00:07:07,301
Look at the life we get to lead, huh?
198
00:07:07,302 --> 00:07:09,411
What's more exciting
than hanging out here?
199
00:07:09,412 --> 00:07:12,281
What are you drinking?
200
00:07:12,282 --> 00:07:13,321
Gravy.
201
00:07:13,322 --> 00:07:14,421
- Gravy?
- Gravy.
202
00:07:14,422 --> 00:07:16,211
Are you kidding me?
203
00:07:16,212 --> 00:07:17,321
I was hungry. I was at home.
204
00:07:17,322 --> 00:07:18,421
I wanted some gravy,
205
00:07:18,422 --> 00:07:20,431
so I-I didn't have
anything to put the gravy on.
206
00:07:20,432 --> 00:07:23,231
I decided I'm gonna
have a la carte gravy.
207
00:07:23,232 --> 00:07:24,311
Why don't you just eat horse shit?
208
00:07:24,312 --> 00:07:25,361
It's more chewy.
209
00:07:25,362 --> 00:07:26,707
I like gravy.
210
00:07:26,811 --> 00:07:28,875
I, you know, people say
you're not supposed to drink it.
211
00:07:28,876 --> 00:07:30,421
I'm like... fuck them, you know?
212
00:07:30,422 --> 00:07:32,371
I can't live by anybody else's rules.
213
00:07:32,372 --> 00:07:36,211
I'm the one who has to
die when it's my turn to die,
214
00:07:36,212 --> 00:07:39,261
so let me live my
life the way I want to.
215
00:07:39,262 --> 00:07:41,371
I'm gonna drink gravy.
216
00:07:41,372 --> 00:07:43,301
You want to know something?
217
00:07:43,302 --> 00:07:45,341
That's why you get my respect...
218
00:07:45,342 --> 00:07:47,341
because you are a guy that does things
219
00:07:47,342 --> 00:07:50,221
the way he needs to do
things with what he's got.
220
00:07:50,222 --> 00:07:51,331
You're good luck, my friend.
221
00:07:51,332 --> 00:07:52,391
I'm your good-luck charm.
222
00:07:52,392 --> 00:07:53,431
You're my good-luck charm.
223
00:07:53,432 --> 00:07:55,291
- Ohh.
- Oh!
224
00:07:55,292 --> 00:07:56,431
Man, harsh. He spilled on me.
225
00:07:56,432 --> 00:07:59,211
Uh, actually, you bumped into me.
226
00:07:59,212 --> 00:08:01,261
You got a hunk of burning gravy on me.
227
00:08:01,262 --> 00:08:03,231
Why you drink gravy for, anyway?
228
00:08:03,232 --> 00:08:05,211
What's the difference? You
spilled it on the guy.
229
00:08:05,212 --> 00:08:07,311
Don't you apologize? Don't
you know how to do that?
230
00:08:07,312 --> 00:08:08,341
I just mean he
shouldn't be drinking gravy.
231
00:08:08,342 --> 00:08:09,371
He shouldn't be drinking gravy?
232
00:08:09,372 --> 00:08:11,221
Enough talk. Do me a favor.
233
00:08:11,222 --> 00:08:12,311
- Get out of here.
- All right.
234
00:08:12,312 --> 00:08:13,351
Yeah, right what? Right what?
235
00:08:13,352 --> 00:08:14,411
I just... I don't get
the gravy. Why do you...
236
00:08:14,412 --> 00:08:15,431
Get out of here.
237
00:08:15,432 --> 00:08:17,391
Why are you drinking gravy anyway?
238
00:08:17,392 --> 00:08:20,221
He drinks what he drinks
when he wants to drink it!
239
00:08:20,222 --> 00:08:21,321
Hey, forget this guy.
240
00:08:21,322 --> 00:08:22,361
Forget him. It's all right.
241
00:08:22,362 --> 00:08:23,600
Don't worry about it, all right?
242
00:08:23,601 --> 00:08:25,311
- We got a wedding to go to.
- You're right.
243
00:08:25,312 --> 00:08:27,221
When you're right, you're right.
244
00:08:27,222 --> 00:08:28,351
Fuck that guy.
245
00:08:28,352 --> 00:08:30,371
[Beep]
246
00:08:30,372 --> 00:08:32,271
Fuck this.
247
00:08:32,272 --> 00:08:33,371
The ATM is charging a $5 fee.
248
00:08:33,372 --> 00:08:34,431
Since when?
249
00:08:34,432 --> 00:08:36,221
I don't know.
250
00:08:36,222 --> 00:08:37,281
I ain't paying it.
251
00:08:37,282 --> 00:08:38,401
It's like I'm tipping the machine.
252
00:08:38,402 --> 00:08:40,311
You know, Dice, I was really hoping
253
00:08:40,312 --> 00:08:41,401
we could get something to eat...
254
00:08:41,402 --> 00:08:43,361
You know what,
Milkshake? You're drinking gravy.
255
00:08:43,362 --> 00:08:45,231
You're drinking your "something to eat."
256
00:08:45,232 --> 00:08:46,321
No, don't take the fee out on me.
257
00:08:46,322 --> 00:08:47,321
I'm not taking it out on you.
258
00:08:47,322 --> 00:08:49,341
We don't pay that fee. We're local.
259
00:08:49,342 --> 00:08:51,411
Guys like this over here, this guy...
260
00:08:51,412 --> 00:08:53,301
Hey, how you doing?
261
00:08:53,302 --> 00:08:55,441
Guys like that pay the fee, not us.
262
00:08:55,442 --> 00:08:57,271
You understand?
263
00:08:57,272 --> 00:08:58,241
Let's go take care of this shit.
264
00:08:58,242 --> 00:08:59,351
Yeah, you're right, yeah.
265
00:08:59,352 --> 00:09:01,231
When you put it that
way, I get it. Fuck the fee.
266
00:09:01,232 --> 00:09:02,321
Come on. Let's go see Brione.
267
00:09:02,322 --> 00:09:04,331
New casino policy on all the ATMs.
268
00:09:04,332 --> 00:09:06,291
I get it. You didn't know about it.
269
00:09:06,292 --> 00:09:07,291
- That's annoying.
- Annoying?
270
00:09:07,292 --> 00:09:08,441
It's out and out disrespectful.
271
00:09:08,442 --> 00:09:10,291
Disrespectful?
272
00:09:10,292 --> 00:09:11,301
I mean, it's... it's a new policy.
273
00:09:11,302 --> 00:09:13,211
You know, it's a processing fee.
274
00:09:13,212 --> 00:09:14,361
I don't know what you
want me to say about it.
275
00:09:14,362 --> 00:09:15,411
I want you to say, "Forget
about the fee."
276
00:09:15,412 --> 00:09:17,291
You know I'm supposed to be out there,
277
00:09:17,292 --> 00:09:18,371
running this place, right?
278
00:09:18,372 --> 00:09:20,381
Except I'm in here
talking to you about an ATM fee.
279
00:09:20,382 --> 00:09:22,221
Running the place?
280
00:09:22,222 --> 00:09:23,281
I thought you were the floor manager.
281
00:09:23,282 --> 00:09:24,331
All right, all right. Relax.
282
00:09:24,332 --> 00:09:25,331
Brione took his time to talk to us,
283
00:09:25,332 --> 00:09:26,421
and we really appreciate that.
284
00:09:26,422 --> 00:09:28,341
You know, I'm... I'm saying, you know,
285
00:09:28,342 --> 00:09:29,441
my time is as valuable as his time.
286
00:09:29,442 --> 00:09:31,251
That's all I'm saying.
287
00:09:31,252 --> 00:09:32,341
Look, I think we can all agree
288
00:09:32,342 --> 00:09:34,221
this is a waste of all our time, right?
289
00:09:34,222 --> 00:09:35,421
Yeah, look, Brione, this
is the bottom line.
290
00:09:35,422 --> 00:09:38,241
You don't charge Dice a $5 fee.
291
00:09:38,242 --> 00:09:39,371
That's for out-of-towners.
292
00:09:39,372 --> 00:09:42,291
That's for Sam and June Snapfuck
293
00:09:42,292 --> 00:09:44,231
from dipshit fucking Iowa,
294
00:09:44,232 --> 00:09:46,261
never been off the farm
their whole fucking life.
295
00:09:46,262 --> 00:09:47,421
They come to town.
296
00:09:47,422 --> 00:09:50,221
They walk the Strip with the
giant glass with the beer,
297
00:09:50,222 --> 00:09:52,261
looking, "Oh, look. There's Paris.
298
00:09:52,262 --> 00:09:53,421
There's New York," right?
299
00:09:53,422 --> 00:09:57,281
Next thing you know, he's dipping
his balls in her mouth.
300
00:09:57,282 --> 00:09:59,411
She never even makes
it to the head of his cock
301
00:09:59,412 --> 00:10:02,301
before she falls
asleep, but Sam don't care.
302
00:10:02,302 --> 00:10:04,341
Sam don't give a fuck. You know why?
303
00:10:04,342 --> 00:10:08,361
Because he's been married
to this broken-down valise
304
00:10:08,362 --> 00:10:10,311
for the last 27 years,
305
00:10:10,312 --> 00:10:12,341
and he'd pay that $5 fee
306
00:10:12,342 --> 00:10:16,241
every day to get his sack wet like that.
307
00:10:16,242 --> 00:10:17,441
And that's who should pay the fee.
308
00:10:17,442 --> 00:10:20,231
Not Dice.
309
00:10:20,232 --> 00:10:21,311
Not Dice.
310
00:10:21,312 --> 00:10:24,983
Counselor...
311
00:10:26,382 --> 00:10:27,431
[Dice laughs]
312
00:10:27,432 --> 00:10:29,431
That's a very compelling case.
313
00:10:29,432 --> 00:10:31,271
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa. What are you doing?
314
00:10:31,272 --> 00:10:32,271
Giving you the 5 bucks so...
315
00:10:32,272 --> 00:10:33,381
What, give me charity?
316
00:10:33,382 --> 00:10:35,261
Give it to the out-of-towners.
317
00:10:35,262 --> 00:10:36,301
Just don't charge me.
318
00:10:36,302 --> 00:10:37,391
It's all connected to the banks.
319
00:10:37,392 --> 00:10:38,351
I mean, you know what
I mean? It's like...
320
00:10:38,352 --> 00:10:39,421
Let me say this again.
321
00:10:39,422 --> 00:10:41,391
I'm Dice. I'm a living fucking legend.
322
00:10:41,392 --> 00:10:43,361
Yeah, Brione. He's a living legend.
323
00:10:43,362 --> 00:10:44,411
He's Dice, all right?
324
00:10:44,412 --> 00:10:46,331
Dice is up here.
325
00:10:46,332 --> 00:10:48,311
The fee is, like, down
here... way down here, with the rats.
326
00:10:48,312 --> 00:10:49,341
We don't have rats in here.
327
00:10:49,342 --> 00:10:51,231
[Dice] You know something, Brione?
328
00:10:51,232 --> 00:10:52,311
You disappoint me,
329
00:10:52,312 --> 00:10:54,271
'cause we're supposed to be friends.
330
00:10:54,272 --> 00:10:55,341
Let's go, Shake.
331
00:10:55,342 --> 00:10:57,301
Guys, I'm sorry about this, you know?
332
00:10:57,302 --> 00:10:59,291
- I mean...
- It's never happening.
333
00:10:59,292 --> 00:11:02,271
I'm never, ever paying that fee.
334
00:11:02,272 --> 00:11:03,391
You'll see.
335
00:11:03,392 --> 00:11:06,251
♪ ♪
336
00:11:06,252 --> 00:11:08,261
The world's changing, Dice, you know?
337
00:11:08,262 --> 00:11:09,371
Vegas is changing.
338
00:11:09,372 --> 00:11:11,291
It started when they put up those...
339
00:11:11,292 --> 00:11:13,271
those roller coasters, right?
340
00:11:13,272 --> 00:11:14,361
You know, and then they invented
341
00:11:14,362 --> 00:11:16,261
that fantasy football bullshit,
342
00:11:16,262 --> 00:11:18,301
and then they started
selling those oxygen shots.
343
00:11:18,302 --> 00:11:20,291
I don't think Sinatra back in the day
344
00:11:20,292 --> 00:11:22,241
was doing oxygen shots, you know?
345
00:11:22,242 --> 00:11:23,321
[laughs]
346
00:11:23,322 --> 00:11:24,391
I'm almost glad that
they blew up the Riv.
347
00:11:24,392 --> 00:11:26,261
You know, they put the
Riv out of its misery.
348
00:11:26,262 --> 00:11:27,371
You know what?
349
00:11:27,372 --> 00:11:29,401
All I know is I'm not
paying that fucking fee.
350
00:11:29,402 --> 00:11:30,421
How are you gonna do that?
351
00:11:30,422 --> 00:11:31,761
How am I gonna do that?
352
00:11:31,762 --> 00:11:32,949
What, are you kidding me? It's easy.
353
00:11:32,950 --> 00:11:34,466
You know, take a little markup,
354
00:11:34,467 --> 00:11:36,511
play a little
blackjack, win the 2 grand,
355
00:11:36,512 --> 00:11:41,301
cash out, boom, casino
pays the $5 fee, not Dice.
356
00:11:41,302 --> 00:11:43,241
All right, you sure
we got time for this?
357
00:11:43,242 --> 00:11:43,729
What time's the wedding?
358
00:11:43,730 --> 00:11:45,271
6:00.
359
00:11:45,272 --> 00:11:46,321
But I ain't gonna lose.
360
00:11:46,322 --> 00:11:48,251
We're talking about 2 grand here.
361
00:11:48,252 --> 00:11:48,861
You understand?
362
00:11:48,862 --> 00:11:51,251
When I play cards, it's
like a fucking art form.
363
00:11:51,252 --> 00:11:53,221
People say split 8s. I say, "Fuck you.
364
00:11:53,222 --> 00:11:54,351
Not if my gut don't feel it."
365
00:11:54,352 --> 00:11:57,321
You got a goddamn
beautiful way of playing.
366
00:11:57,322 --> 00:11:59,412
Thank you, my friend.
367
00:12:01,372 --> 00:12:03,301
All right. Here we go, here we go.
368
00:12:03,302 --> 00:12:04,371
Let's do it.
369
00:12:04,372 --> 00:12:07,252
♪ ♪
370
00:12:16,282 --> 00:12:18,311
[Sighs] Fuck.
371
00:12:18,312 --> 00:12:20,371
I don't know what's going on here.
372
00:12:20,372 --> 00:12:21,421
Maybe we should call it quits.
373
00:12:21,422 --> 00:12:23,281
I can't quit. I'm down.
374
00:12:23,282 --> 00:12:25,251
You're down $100,000.
375
00:12:25,252 --> 00:12:27,291
Like I don't fucking know that.
376
00:12:27,292 --> 00:12:28,421
Something's off.
377
00:12:28,422 --> 00:12:30,431
Why am I getting fucked
so hard right now?
378
00:12:30,432 --> 00:12:32,331
Maybe it's...
Maybe... Maybe I let you down.
379
00:12:32,332 --> 00:12:33,421
Maybe I'm not your
good-luck charm after all.
380
00:12:33,422 --> 00:12:35,281
- I don't know.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
381
00:12:35,282 --> 00:12:37,221
It's not you. We're buddies.
382
00:12:37,222 --> 00:12:38,622
It's something else. I can feel it.
383
00:12:43,312 --> 00:12:47,261
It's him, it's him... the fucking Elvis.
384
00:12:47,262 --> 00:12:49,341
[Sighs]
385
00:12:49,342 --> 00:12:51,251
Excuse me, buddy?
386
00:12:51,252 --> 00:12:53,211
Hey, you again.
387
00:12:53,212 --> 00:12:54,351
Shouldn't you be looking
for some mashed potatoes?
388
00:12:54,352 --> 00:12:56,221
- [Chuckles]
- Yeah.
389
00:12:56,222 --> 00:12:58,241
Listen, uh, you got to
do me a little favor.
390
00:12:58,242 --> 00:13:00,371
You got to, uh, take your
business across the street.
391
00:13:00,372 --> 00:13:02,261
What are you talking about? I'm playing.
392
00:13:02,262 --> 00:13:04,221
This is gonna sound a little crazy,
393
00:13:04,222 --> 00:13:07,341
but, um, you're just
bad luck in a jumpsuit.
394
00:13:07,342 --> 00:13:09,341
I need you to leave.
395
00:13:09,342 --> 00:13:10,411
You're crazy. You know that?
396
00:13:10,412 --> 00:13:15,291
Crazy. I've lost $100,000.
397
00:13:15,292 --> 00:13:16,441
There is no other explanation.
398
00:13:16,442 --> 00:13:17,431
It's you.
399
00:13:17,432 --> 00:13:19,381
100 grand? [laughs]
400
00:13:19,382 --> 00:13:21,311
Maybe you're the one who should leave.
401
00:13:21,312 --> 00:13:24,231
All right, look, look. Listen
to me, listen to me.
402
00:13:24,232 --> 00:13:29,211
You need to leave this
establishment now.
403
00:13:29,212 --> 00:13:32,381
Fine. Fine.
404
00:13:32,382 --> 00:13:34,431
You know, but, uh, for the record,
405
00:13:34,432 --> 00:13:36,361
you're out of your mind. You really are.
406
00:13:36,362 --> 00:13:38,271
I'm out of my mind?
407
00:13:38,272 --> 00:13:40,361
I'm nuts, right? I'm nuts.
408
00:13:40,362 --> 00:13:43,311
You're the one in a
jumpsuit, but I'm the crazy one.
409
00:13:43,312 --> 00:13:46,391
♪ ♪
410
00:13:46,392 --> 00:13:50,361
Brione, I got to talk to you.
411
00:13:50,362 --> 00:13:53,271
[Sighs]
412
00:13:53,272 --> 00:13:56,231
You're gonna have to
give me another marker.
413
00:13:56,232 --> 00:13:57,421
I gave you one for 100k.
414
00:13:57,422 --> 00:13:59,241
I know it, you d...
415
00:13:59,242 --> 00:14:02,261
Number one, this is your fault.
416
00:14:02,262 --> 00:14:04,271
Do you understand? This is your fault.
417
00:14:04,272 --> 00:14:05,391
If you would have waived that fee,
418
00:14:05,392 --> 00:14:06,361
there wouldn't be a problem.
419
00:14:06,362 --> 00:14:07,321
This is your fault.
420
00:14:07,322 --> 00:14:08,441
My fault? What?
421
00:14:08,442 --> 00:14:10,391
Listen, Dice, listen to Milkshake, okay?
422
00:14:10,392 --> 00:14:12,371
Go to the wedding. It's
in less than an hour.
423
00:14:12,372 --> 00:14:13,371
Listen to me.
424
00:14:13,372 --> 00:14:16,261
Elvis is gone, okay?
425
00:14:16,262 --> 00:14:17,401
The bad luck is gone.
426
00:14:17,402 --> 00:14:19,271
I'm gonna win the money in a minute.
427
00:14:19,272 --> 00:14:20,361
You know the rules.
428
00:14:20,362 --> 00:14:21,381
Please don't put me in this position.
429
00:14:21,382 --> 00:14:23,401
Put you in that position?
430
00:14:23,402 --> 00:14:24,441
Yeah!
431
00:14:24,442 --> 00:14:26,271
One minute, you're my friend.
432
00:14:26,272 --> 00:14:27,311
The next minute, fuck you?
433
00:14:27,312 --> 00:14:28,351
You know what I'm gonna do?
434
00:14:28,352 --> 00:14:29,431
I'm gonna go home now,
435
00:14:29,432 --> 00:14:31,431
I'm gonna get my personal checkbook,
436
00:14:31,432 --> 00:14:33,321
I'm gonna write you
a check for $100,000,
437
00:14:33,322 --> 00:14:34,401
put it in your hand.
438
00:14:34,402 --> 00:14:35,391
And you know how you're gonna feel?
439
00:14:35,392 --> 00:14:36,441
How?
440
00:14:36,442 --> 00:14:38,371
You're gonna feel just like
441
00:14:38,372 --> 00:14:41,431
a real, like, stupid idiot.
442
00:14:41,432 --> 00:14:43,221
Like a stupid idiot?
443
00:14:43,222 --> 00:14:44,301
Yeah, that's right.
444
00:14:44,302 --> 00:14:45,391
I already feel like a stupid idiot.
445
00:14:45,392 --> 00:14:46,227
- You know why you're an idiot?
- Why?
446
00:14:46,228 --> 00:14:49,321
Who gives me
$100,000? This is your fault.
447
00:14:49,322 --> 00:14:50,371
- What?
- Milkshake, let's go.
448
00:14:50,372 --> 00:14:51,331
- I don't even...
- Come on.
449
00:14:51,332 --> 00:14:52,401
I am so fucked!
450
00:14:52,402 --> 00:14:53,351
Where are we going?
451
00:14:53,352 --> 00:14:54,371
Across the street.
452
00:14:54,372 --> 00:14:55,686
You want to keep gambling?
453
00:14:55,687 --> 00:14:57,401
You're down 100 grand.
454
00:14:57,402 --> 00:14:59,281
Shake, just come on, please!
455
00:14:59,282 --> 00:15:01,291
♪ ♪
456
00:15:01,292 --> 00:15:03,311
[Horn honking]
457
00:15:03,312 --> 00:15:05,432
- Oh, fuck.
- Shh!
458
00:15:10,442 --> 00:15:13,431
Come on!
459
00:15:13,432 --> 00:15:15,291
[Groans]
460
00:15:15,292 --> 00:15:17,331
[Horn honks]
461
00:15:17,332 --> 00:15:19,411
Motherfucker.
462
00:15:19,412 --> 00:15:21,421
All right, now, when we get in there,
463
00:15:21,422 --> 00:15:23,341
you've got to steal Eddie's phone.
464
00:15:23,342 --> 00:15:24,381
You understand?
465
00:15:24,382 --> 00:15:25,381
The floor manager?
466
00:15:25,382 --> 00:15:26,468
Yeah, the floor manager,
467
00:15:26,469 --> 00:15:28,321
because Brione's gonna
call me, cut me off.
468
00:15:28,322 --> 00:15:30,301
But we got to get in
there, get him to stake me
469
00:15:30,302 --> 00:15:32,251
so we can climb out
of this fucking hole.
470
00:15:32,252 --> 00:15:34,012
- This way. Come on.
- All right, you got it.
471
00:15:35,422 --> 00:15:38,271
Hey, Eddie. How are you?
472
00:15:38,272 --> 00:15:39,321
Hey. There he is.
473
00:15:39,322 --> 00:15:40,421
How's it going? How you doing?
474
00:15:40,422 --> 00:15:41,421
Milkshake, how are you, buddy?
475
00:15:41,422 --> 00:15:43,241
Good to see you.
476
00:15:43,242 --> 00:15:45,301
So, uh, you got a show later?
477
00:15:45,302 --> 00:15:46,351
Uh, not tonight.
478
00:15:46,352 --> 00:15:48,271
My girl's brother's getting married.
479
00:15:48,272 --> 00:15:50,241
Thought I'd come over, play some cards.
480
00:15:50,242 --> 00:15:51,371
I thought you usually
play across the street.
481
00:15:51,372 --> 00:15:53,261
Yeah, well, uh, we do,
482
00:15:53,262 --> 00:15:55,311
but Shake says the girls
are better-looking over here.
483
00:15:55,312 --> 00:15:56,411
[laughs] Yeah, I wish.
484
00:15:56,412 --> 00:15:59,231
[laughs] So, uh, you need a marker?
485
00:15:59,232 --> 00:16:00,331
Uh, yeah.
486
00:16:00,332 --> 00:16:03,211
Let's not go crazy. Uh, give me 25k.
487
00:16:03,212 --> 00:16:04,281
25?
488
00:16:04,282 --> 00:16:05,391
I guess you got a lot of time to kill
489
00:16:05,392 --> 00:16:06,441
before that wedding, huh?
490
00:16:06,442 --> 00:16:08,271
You let me worry about that.
491
00:16:08,272 --> 00:16:09,311
You got it. Go ahead, hook him up.
492
00:16:09,312 --> 00:16:10,411
$25,000.
493
00:16:10,412 --> 00:16:12,381
Hey, Eddie, can I talk
to you for a second?
494
00:16:12,382 --> 00:16:14,361
Yeah, yeah. Sure.
495
00:16:14,362 --> 00:16:15,401
Uh...
496
00:16:15,402 --> 00:16:18,212
♪ ♪
497
00:16:21,392 --> 00:16:23,362
Dealer has 20.
498
00:16:25,442 --> 00:16:28,321
Everything's taken care of.
499
00:16:28,322 --> 00:16:30,391
How's it going?
500
00:16:30,392 --> 00:16:33,321
Not good. I'm down nearly $25,000.
501
00:16:33,322 --> 00:16:34,431
$25,000?
502
00:16:34,432 --> 00:16:35,431
You only been playing two minutes.
503
00:16:35,432 --> 00:16:37,857
You know what it is? I'm still off.
504
00:16:37,858 --> 00:16:39,381
I can't figure this shit out.
505
00:16:39,382 --> 00:16:41,231
What the fuck is this?
506
00:16:41,232 --> 00:16:44,281
Oh, wait. I know... I know what's wrong.
507
00:16:44,282 --> 00:16:45,842
What do you mean you know what's wrong?
508
00:16:53,262 --> 00:16:54,361
[Sighs]
509
00:16:54,362 --> 00:16:57,321
Again?!
510
00:16:57,322 --> 00:16:59,371
Out of here.
511
00:16:59,372 --> 00:17:01,251
Walk across the street.
512
00:17:01,252 --> 00:17:03,311
No way. You told me to
walk across the street already,
513
00:17:03,312 --> 00:17:05,322
and I did. I'm staying!
514
00:17:10,442 --> 00:17:15,211
Get up, take your
chips, your rhinestones,
515
00:17:15,212 --> 00:17:17,441
and your fucking
pompadour, and get the fuck...
516
00:17:17,442 --> 00:17:20,271
I'll get them for
you. Don't worry about it.
517
00:17:20,272 --> 00:17:21,301
Get the fuck out of here.
518
00:17:21,302 --> 00:17:22,401
Fucking harass me now, huh?
519
00:17:22,402 --> 00:17:25,331
You bad luck-bringing jackass!
520
00:17:25,332 --> 00:17:26,421
You're lucky I got to go to work.
521
00:17:26,422 --> 00:17:28,332
You need help!
522
00:17:30,212 --> 00:17:32,221
All right. Okay, let's get into it.
523
00:17:32,222 --> 00:17:33,251
I can focus now.
524
00:17:33,252 --> 00:17:34,321
Come on.
525
00:17:34,322 --> 00:17:36,311
Oh, fuck.
526
00:17:36,312 --> 00:17:37,371
Fuck. Wait a minute.
527
00:17:37,372 --> 00:17:38,441
Really, really?
528
00:17:38,442 --> 00:17:40,251
This is what's happening right now?
529
00:17:40,252 --> 00:17:41,341
What the hell are you doing?
530
00:17:41,342 --> 00:17:42,042
- Well, uh...
- You know what?
531
00:17:42,043 --> 00:17:42,748
Don't even say it.
532
00:17:42,749 --> 00:17:43,998
I don't care what the fuck is happening.
533
00:17:43,999 --> 00:17:45,646
I can tell it's bad from the way
534
00:17:45,647 --> 00:17:47,391
you're sweating through your velvet.
535
00:17:47,392 --> 00:17:49,231
- Everything's fine.
- You know what?
536
00:17:49,232 --> 00:17:52,281
I don't care if you're
down $100,000 right now.
537
00:17:52,282 --> 00:17:53,411
$100,000? That's crazy.
538
00:17:53,412 --> 00:17:55,241
We're having a little fun.
539
00:17:55,242 --> 00:17:56,421
I got news for you, Andrew.
540
00:17:56,422 --> 00:17:58,341
My brother is getting married
541
00:17:58,342 --> 00:18:00,351
across the street in 20 minutes...
542
00:18:00,352 --> 00:18:01,381
my only brother.
543
00:18:01,382 --> 00:18:02,618
I know.
544
00:18:02,619 --> 00:18:04,752
And he's already convinced the
whole thing's a disaster.
545
00:18:04,753 --> 00:18:06,421
He thinks this wedding's been cursed.
546
00:18:06,422 --> 00:18:07,252
And I'm telling you,
547
00:18:07,367 --> 00:18:10,225
if you make it any more
of a mess than it already is,
548
00:18:10,343 --> 00:18:12,086
if you are not by my side
549
00:18:12,223 --> 00:18:15,341
with a gift at the
wedding in 20 minutes,
550
00:18:15,342 --> 00:18:18,271
you and I... we're done.
551
00:18:18,272 --> 00:18:19,381
I mean it.
552
00:18:19,382 --> 00:18:20,421
I'll be there!
553
00:18:20,422 --> 00:18:22,271
You're a degenerate.
554
00:18:22,272 --> 00:18:24,381
You too, Milkshake, you motherfucker.
555
00:18:24,382 --> 00:18:25,371
20 minutes.
556
00:18:25,372 --> 00:18:27,221
20 minutes.
557
00:18:27,222 --> 00:18:29,371
God. She's... She's right.
558
00:18:29,372 --> 00:18:31,301
We're... We're degenerates.
559
00:18:31,302 --> 00:18:34,291
- Well, we got 20 minutes.
- That's not a lot of time.
560
00:18:34,292 --> 00:18:36,381
Well, you are the
master of the fucking obvious.
561
00:18:36,382 --> 00:18:39,371
Another $25,000 going out.
562
00:18:39,372 --> 00:18:41,241
Good luck.
563
00:18:41,242 --> 00:18:42,341
You know what, Shake?
564
00:18:42,342 --> 00:18:43,421
Sometimes you got to
take your balls out,
565
00:18:43,422 --> 00:18:45,361
put them on the butcher block,
566
00:18:45,362 --> 00:18:47,252
or else what's the fucking point?
567
00:18:48,252 --> 00:18:49,351
Let's play.
568
00:18:49,352 --> 00:18:52,212
♪ ♪
569
00:18:53,442 --> 00:18:55,272
Nice. Good.
570
00:18:57,362 --> 00:18:59,401
Pay me. Pay me.
571
00:18:59,402 --> 00:19:02,221
♪ ♪
572
00:19:02,222 --> 00:19:04,231
Let it all go. Come on.
573
00:19:04,232 --> 00:19:06,402
[Speaks indistinctly]
574
00:19:13,671 --> 00:19:14,712
Let it ride.
575
00:19:15,432 --> 00:19:18,321
- Yes!
- God damn.
576
00:19:18,322 --> 00:19:20,421
Yes! Milkshake, you motherfucker!
577
00:19:20,422 --> 00:19:22,361
Get the fuck over here.
578
00:19:22,362 --> 00:19:23,391
Look at you, man. You're back.
579
00:19:23,392 --> 00:19:26,411
♪ ♪
580
00:19:26,412 --> 00:19:28,422
$50,000 going out.
581
00:19:32,738 --> 00:19:35,281
All right, Shake. You
want to talk about balls?
582
00:19:35,497 --> 00:19:37,341
You always tell me what big balls I got.
583
00:19:37,342 --> 00:19:39,291
All right?
584
00:19:39,292 --> 00:19:42,401
All right, everybody, let's do this.
585
00:19:42,402 --> 00:19:44,411
$100,000 on one hand?
586
00:19:44,412 --> 00:19:47,381
$100,000 for... what do you mean no?
587
00:19:47,382 --> 00:19:49,281
That's a lot of
money for one hand, Dice.
588
00:19:49,282 --> 00:19:50,441
I mean, you're kind of over the limit.
589
00:19:50,442 --> 00:19:52,321
You're gonna take this fucking bet.
590
00:19:52,322 --> 00:19:54,331
You like to take the
chips away quick enough,
591
00:19:54,332 --> 00:19:56,271
but you don't like to pay it out?
592
00:19:56,272 --> 00:19:58,252
Take the fucking bet. Deal the cards.
593
00:20:00,397 --> 00:20:02,361
All right. Come on.
594
00:20:02,362 --> 00:20:04,422
♪ ♪
595
00:20:08,732 --> 00:20:11,272
All right, all right.
596
00:20:13,252 --> 00:20:14,262
Give me a hit.
597
00:20:17,362 --> 00:20:19,412
I'm good.
598
00:20:22,252 --> 00:20:24,432
[clears throat]
599
00:20:26,252 --> 00:20:30,211
Yes! Yes, yes!
600
00:20:30,212 --> 00:20:32,261
I told you, you motherfucker!
601
00:20:32,262 --> 00:20:34,221
- You motherfucker!
- [crowd chanting "Dice!"]
602
00:20:34,222 --> 00:20:35,291
$203,000, sir.
603
00:20:35,292 --> 00:20:37,211
All right, listen to me.
604
00:20:37,212 --> 00:20:39,331
Take your $100,000 marker,
605
00:20:39,332 --> 00:20:42,291
make a $100,000 check
out to the Tangiers,
606
00:20:42,292 --> 00:20:45,211
and give me $2,000 in
the fanciest envelope
607
00:20:45,212 --> 00:20:46,301
you got in this hotel, okay?
608
00:20:46,302 --> 00:20:48,291
Milkshake, no $5 fee.
609
00:20:48,292 --> 00:20:50,321
- No $5.
- Come on.
610
00:20:50,322 --> 00:20:51,371
Come on, come on!
611
00:20:51,372 --> 00:20:53,341
[Horn honks]
612
00:20:53,342 --> 00:20:57,282
♪ ♪
613
00:20:59,242 --> 00:21:01,402
Oh!
614
00:21:04,342 --> 00:21:06,421
[Sighs]
615
00:21:06,422 --> 00:21:07,441
See? I made it.
616
00:21:07,442 --> 00:21:09,331
- Barely.
- Yeah.
617
00:21:09,332 --> 00:21:11,411
Okay, you got to move
over. I got my plus-one.
618
00:21:11,412 --> 00:21:14,261
- You're my plus-one.
- Take this, take this.
619
00:21:14,262 --> 00:21:16,261
[Sighs] Why is this sweaty?
620
00:21:16,262 --> 00:21:19,251
[Stammers] Moisturizer.
621
00:21:19,252 --> 00:21:21,421
- Would you hold my gloves?
- Yes.
622
00:21:21,422 --> 00:21:23,211
[Organ plays]
623
00:21:23,212 --> 00:21:24,421
- You're here.
- Yeah, I'm here.
624
00:21:24,422 --> 00:21:26,431
Of course I'm here.
625
00:21:26,432 --> 00:21:28,381
[Wagner's "Bridal Chorus" plays]
626
00:21:28,382 --> 00:21:30,342
[laughs]
627
00:21:41,352 --> 00:21:44,381
Friends, we are gathered here today
628
00:21:44,382 --> 00:21:46,291
to share this momentous event,
629
00:21:46,292 --> 00:21:48,301
'cause Brandon here
630
00:21:48,302 --> 00:21:50,351
couldn't help falling
in love with David.
631
00:21:50,352 --> 00:21:52,321
You're gonna love him tender.
632
00:21:52,322 --> 00:21:55,371
- No, no, no.
- Andrew, shut up.
633
00:21:55,372 --> 00:21:57,391
- This is no good.
- Quiet!
634
00:21:57,392 --> 00:22:00,361
Now, if you two
lovely gentlemen join hands,
635
00:22:00,362 --> 00:22:02,211
look in each other's eyes.
636
00:22:02,212 --> 00:22:03,381
S-Stop this wedding!
637
00:22:03,382 --> 00:22:04,431
Just stop!
638
00:22:04,432 --> 00:22:06,421
Stop, stop. Time-out.
639
00:22:06,422 --> 00:22:08,221
Andrew!
640
00:22:08,222 --> 00:22:09,291
What are you doing? Sit down!
641
00:22:09,292 --> 00:22:10,411
- Time-out!
- What the hell is going on?
642
00:22:10,412 --> 00:22:12,341
Time-out. I know what
I'm talking about.
643
00:22:12,342 --> 00:22:13,381
Again?
644
00:22:13,382 --> 00:22:15,231
Get out of here, Dice!
645
00:22:15,232 --> 00:22:16,371
No, I can't get out of here.
646
00:22:16,372 --> 00:22:18,321
I'm trying to help you guys, okay?
647
00:22:18,322 --> 00:22:20,401
This is a bad-luck
Elvis wearing sneakers.
648
00:22:20,402 --> 00:22:21,441
I-I'm wearing Skechers.
649
00:22:21,442 --> 00:22:23,361
Skechers?
650
00:22:23,362 --> 00:22:25,401
No, no, no, I got...
okay, I got patellar tendonitis.
651
00:22:25,402 --> 00:22:27,361
- It's not a big deal.
- I'm telling you something.
652
00:22:27,362 --> 00:22:29,281
You really want to get gay-married
653
00:22:29,282 --> 00:22:31,271
from an Elvis that's wearing Skechers?
654
00:22:31,272 --> 00:22:33,401
It's not gay-married. It's just married.
655
00:22:33,402 --> 00:22:35,281
Whatever!
656
00:22:35,282 --> 00:22:37,281
I think Dice might have a point.
657
00:22:37,282 --> 00:22:38,411
Maybe this guy is bad luck.
658
00:22:38,412 --> 00:22:40,401
Oh, God. Come on!
659
00:22:40,402 --> 00:22:42,311
I mean, we hired him three weeks ago.
660
00:22:42,312 --> 00:22:44,291
That's when all the bad
stuff started happening.
661
00:22:44,292 --> 00:22:45,371
Let me handle it. Let me handle this.
662
00:22:45,372 --> 00:22:47,361
What I do? You, come here, come here.
663
00:22:47,362 --> 00:22:49,281
Come on, come on, come on.
664
00:22:49,282 --> 00:22:51,271
The minute I saw you, I knew.
665
00:22:51,272 --> 00:22:52,301
Get your fucking paws off me!
666
00:22:52,302 --> 00:22:53,441
You know what? You...
You people are just
667
00:22:53,442 --> 00:22:56,211
taking all your bad shit, and
you're dumping it on me!
668
00:22:56,212 --> 00:22:57,291
You know what? You're bad luck, Elvis!
669
00:22:57,292 --> 00:22:58,381
Just go across the street.
670
00:22:58,382 --> 00:23:00,431
I suppose your shit
career is my fault, too, huh?
671
00:23:00,432 --> 00:23:02,331
Oh, really? Come here? You
want to talk about that?
672
00:23:02,332 --> 00:23:04,291
You know what? You
know what? Till next time.
673
00:23:04,292 --> 00:23:06,301
Yeah, next time, you see
me, then you see the floor.
674
00:23:06,302 --> 00:23:08,211
Go fuck yourself!
675
00:23:08,212 --> 00:23:09,291
♪ ♪
676
00:23:09,292 --> 00:23:12,321
Brione, Brione, it's an emergency.
677
00:23:12,322 --> 00:23:14,331
You got to get me another Elvis.
678
00:23:14,332 --> 00:23:16,221
What?
679
00:23:16,222 --> 00:23:17,211
Just get me an Elvis.
680
00:23:17,212 --> 00:23:18,281
All right.
681
00:23:18,282 --> 00:23:21,311
Welcome, friends and family
682
00:23:21,312 --> 00:23:25,321
of these two fabulous
grooms, David and Brandon.
683
00:23:25,322 --> 00:23:27,291
I can't believe you run an entire casino
684
00:23:27,292 --> 00:23:29,281
and you couldn't get me another Elvis.
685
00:23:29,282 --> 00:23:31,311
You gave me six
minutes to produce someone
686
00:23:31,312 --> 00:23:33,331
to officiate a
wedding. You get who you get.
687
00:23:33,332 --> 00:23:35,241
Besides, Jimmy's a great Liza.
688
00:23:35,242 --> 00:23:36,421
To go on that journey together.
689
00:23:36,422 --> 00:23:38,221
Yeah, amazing.
690
00:23:38,222 --> 00:23:39,341
I mean, come on.
691
00:23:39,342 --> 00:23:40,421
Two guys getting
gay-married by Liza Minnelli?
692
00:23:40,422 --> 00:23:42,311
It's perfect.
693
00:23:42,312 --> 00:23:45,211
It's not gay-married. It's just married.
694
00:23:45,212 --> 00:23:46,341
- Sorry.
- fabulous grooms.
695
00:23:46,342 --> 00:23:48,231
Ladies and gentlemen,
696
00:23:48,232 --> 00:23:50,301
I'd like to present to
you David and Brandon,
697
00:23:50,302 --> 00:23:52,421
husband and husband! [laughs]
698
00:23:52,422 --> 00:23:54,421
[Cheers and applause]
699
00:23:54,422 --> 00:23:58,352
♪ ♪
700
00:24:08,362 --> 00:24:10,261
[Microphone feedback]
701
00:24:10,262 --> 00:24:11,341
Uh, excuse me, everybody,
702
00:24:11,342 --> 00:24:12,441
if we could have a moment of your time.
703
00:24:12,442 --> 00:24:15,291
Uh, David and I would
just like to take a moment
704
00:24:15,292 --> 00:24:17,261
to say thank you to
everybody for coming,
705
00:24:17,262 --> 00:24:20,231
and we especially want to
thank my sister's boyfriend, Andrew,
706
00:24:20,232 --> 00:24:22,231
for ridding our
wedding of all its bad luck.
707
00:24:22,232 --> 00:24:23,331
Thank you so much.
708
00:24:23,332 --> 00:24:24,361
[applause]
709
00:24:24,362 --> 00:24:26,251
- See? That is...
- You did it.
710
00:24:26,252 --> 00:24:28,421
I-I think they want me to say something.
711
00:24:28,422 --> 00:24:30,241
No, I don't think so.
712
00:24:30,242 --> 00:24:31,351
Babe, I give speeches for a living.
713
00:24:31,352 --> 00:24:33,211
But they're giving a speech.
714
00:24:33,212 --> 00:24:34,231
I go all over the world.
715
00:24:34,232 --> 00:24:35,261
This... This isn't a show.
716
00:24:35,262 --> 00:24:36,311
Babe, they're waiting for me.
717
00:24:36,312 --> 00:24:37,311
No one's waiting for...
718
00:24:37,312 --> 00:24:38,391
No, I got this.
719
00:24:38,392 --> 00:24:41,221
- I got this, I got this.
- Andrew.
720
00:24:41,222 --> 00:24:42,281
Sit down, sit down.
721
00:24:42,282 --> 00:24:44,341
Come here. Let me say something.
722
00:24:44,342 --> 00:24:47,311
Let me... I-I-I just need to say this,
723
00:24:47,312 --> 00:24:52,311
because this was just an
incredible, wonderful day,
724
00:24:52,312 --> 00:24:55,231
a day that started out as a disaster,
725
00:24:55,232 --> 00:24:58,311
a day where there was
more bad luck at a wedding
726
00:24:58,312 --> 00:25:00,221
than I've ever seen.
727
00:25:00,222 --> 00:25:01,401
Well done.
728
00:25:01,402 --> 00:25:05,261
You guys persevered, and
now you're married.
729
00:25:05,262 --> 00:25:07,361
How does that feel,
Brandon? You're married.
730
00:25:07,362 --> 00:25:10,311
You found the one cock in this world
731
00:25:10,312 --> 00:25:13,381
that you want to suck for
the rest of your life,
732
00:25:13,382 --> 00:25:15,281
the cock you love,
733
00:25:15,282 --> 00:25:17,411
the cock you can hang out with,
734
00:25:17,412 --> 00:25:18,441
go shopping with,
735
00:25:18,442 --> 00:25:20,341
walk the dog with,
736
00:25:20,342 --> 00:25:22,321
the one cock that...
737
00:25:22,322 --> 00:25:26,321
that makes you feel like you want
to reach the goals in life
738
00:25:26,322 --> 00:25:28,231
that you want to reach.
739
00:25:28,232 --> 00:25:29,431
That's the cock you found.
740
00:25:29,432 --> 00:25:32,431
Now, I-I know maybe you guys
have some kind of arrangement,
741
00:25:32,432 --> 00:25:35,271
you know, like a lot
of my gay friends do.
742
00:25:35,272 --> 00:25:37,351
And if... if that's the situation,
743
00:25:37,352 --> 00:25:39,311
well, you know, good for you.
744
00:25:39,312 --> 00:25:43,311
But his is your number-one cock.
745
00:25:43,312 --> 00:25:46,351
This is your husband's cock.
746
00:25:46,352 --> 00:25:51,281
You know, Shakespeare
once said, "A horse, a horse.
747
00:25:51,282 --> 00:25:53,311
My kingdom for a horse."
748
00:25:53,312 --> 00:25:56,281
They say that's the
most beautiful phrase
749
00:25:56,282 --> 00:25:58,231
in the English language.
750
00:25:58,232 --> 00:26:02,321
But I say, "A cock, a cock.
751
00:26:02,322 --> 00:26:05,341
My kingdom for a cock"
752
00:26:05,342 --> 00:26:09,251
is the most beautiful phrase
753
00:26:09,252 --> 00:26:11,291
in the English language.
754
00:26:11,292 --> 00:26:13,401
So I say to you, Brandon, David,
755
00:26:13,402 --> 00:26:16,281
I wish you all the
health, the happiness.
756
00:26:16,282 --> 00:26:18,231
And mazel tov!
757
00:26:18,232 --> 00:26:20,291
- Mazel tov.
- Mazel tov.
758
00:26:20,292 --> 00:26:21,361
[Brandon laughs]
759
00:26:21,362 --> 00:26:24,411
Can I get a gin and tonic from somebody?
760
00:26:24,412 --> 00:26:26,381
[Cheers and applause]
761
00:26:26,382 --> 00:26:28,341
♪ And the beat won't stop ♪
762
00:26:28,342 --> 00:26:30,381
Hey, you guys having fun?
763
00:26:30,382 --> 00:26:32,261
Oh, it's such a beautiful wedding.
764
00:26:32,262 --> 00:26:33,301
- Are you kidding?
- Oh, thank you.
765
00:26:33,302 --> 00:26:35,301
Congratulations, really, really.
766
00:26:35,302 --> 00:26:36,351
- Thanks.
- Congratulations.
767
00:26:36,352 --> 00:26:38,441
And look, I got a
little something for you...
768
00:26:38,442 --> 00:26:40,211
we do.
769
00:26:40,212 --> 00:26:41,341
- Oh.
- There you go.
770
00:26:41,342 --> 00:26:43,361
Thanks for that. Thank you, both.
771
00:26:43,362 --> 00:26:45,211
No problem.
772
00:26:45,212 --> 00:26:46,221
And thank you for everything, Dice.
773
00:26:46,222 --> 00:26:47,301
No, you know what it is?
774
00:26:47,302 --> 00:26:48,421
I felt you guys really wanted me
775
00:26:48,422 --> 00:26:50,361
to say a little something, you know?
776
00:26:50,362 --> 00:26:53,211
- No.
- No, not at all.
777
00:26:53,212 --> 00:26:54,301
She told me. It's all right.
778
00:26:54,302 --> 00:26:56,211
[David] Hey, listen, Dice, um,
779
00:26:56,212 --> 00:26:57,351
I think I was a little
hard on you because of your act.
780
00:26:57,352 --> 00:26:59,251
You know what? Forget it.
781
00:26:59,252 --> 00:27:00,381
Didn't you see me on "The View,"
782
00:27:00,382 --> 00:27:02,351
where Barbara Walters hugged me?
783
00:27:02,352 --> 00:27:04,341
She knows I'm misunderstood.
784
00:27:04,342 --> 00:27:06,311
I mean, I love those broads.
785
00:27:06,312 --> 00:27:08,391
Forget all that. It's a wedding.
786
00:27:08,392 --> 00:27:10,381
What are we doing? Group
hug. Get over here.
787
00:27:10,382 --> 00:27:11,411
[laughs]
788
00:27:11,412 --> 00:27:13,321
Come on, come on. Let's dance.
789
00:27:13,322 --> 00:27:14,351
What are we doing?
790
00:27:14,352 --> 00:27:16,361
[laughing]
791
00:27:16,362 --> 00:27:18,431
♪ And the beat won't stop ♪
792
00:27:18,432 --> 00:27:20,352
♪ ♪
793
00:27:24,857 --> 00:27:26,351
[Dice] That was so much fun.
794
00:27:26,352 --> 00:27:28,341
Get in the car. Come on.
795
00:27:28,342 --> 00:27:30,301
Stop playing around. Here you go, buddy.
796
00:27:30,302 --> 00:27:32,291
- Thanks a lot.
- Thanks.
797
00:27:32,292 --> 00:27:33,361
Thank you. You have good night.
798
00:27:33,362 --> 00:27:35,321
Dice, I-I should let you know,
799
00:27:35,322 --> 00:27:37,391
it's, uh... it's another
$5 to park valet now.
800
00:27:37,392 --> 00:27:38,411
But, uh, I'll take it out of this.
801
00:27:38,412 --> 00:27:40,351
- It's okay.
- No, no, no, no.
802
00:27:40,352 --> 00:27:42,311
Don't insult me by
saying you're gonna take it out.
803
00:27:42,312 --> 00:27:43,431
- When did they start this?
- Eh, last month.
804
00:27:43,432 --> 00:27:45,431
Private events...
they... they charge for valet now.
805
00:27:45,432 --> 00:27:47,391
Do you believe that? They
want to charge a fee?
806
00:27:47,392 --> 00:27:49,281
Really, it's okay. It's no problem.
807
00:27:49,282 --> 00:27:51,211
No, it's the
principle of the whole thing.
808
00:27:51,212 --> 00:27:52,381
No, I have $5 in my purse. It's fine.
809
00:27:52,382 --> 00:27:54,351
No, no, no, no. No,
babe, it's the principle.
810
00:27:54,352 --> 00:27:56,441
I will be right back. I'll handle this.
811
00:27:56,442 --> 00:28:00,231
No, Andrew! Okay, can you
just re-park the car, please?
812
00:28:00,232 --> 00:28:01,251
Sure.
813
00:28:01,252 --> 00:28:02,362
♪ ♪
814
00:28:02,624 --> 00:28:07,796
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814
00:28:08,305 --> 00:28:14,825
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