Original subtitles

[Man Narrating] The island of Manhattan...

derives its name from its earliest inhabitants, the Manhattan Indians.

They were a peaceful tribe— setting traps, fishing, hunting.

And there was a custom among them.

Every July, when the heat and the humidity on the island became unbearable,

they would send their wives and children away for the summer,

up the river to the cooler highlands,

or, if they could afford it, to the seashore.

The husbands, of course, would remain behind on the steaming island...

to attend to business— setting traps, fishing and hunting.

Actually, our story has nothing whatsoever to do with Indians.

It plays 500 years later.

[Man On P.A. ] ... Portland, Rockland,

Plymouth and Bar Harbor.

Departing at 6:30—

[Narrator] We only brought up the subject to show

you that in all that time nothing has changed.

Manhattan husbands still send their wives and kids away for the summer,

and they still remain behind in the steaming city to attend to business—

setting traps, fishing and hunting.

Now we want you to meet a typical Manhattan husband...

whose family is leaving for the summer.

This is Mr. Richard Sherman. This is his wife, Helen, and his son Ricky.

[ Toy Gun Buzzing ]

Ricky, what are you doing?

He’s an interplanetary spy, and I’m blasting him into space dust.

- [ Buzzes ] - Now cut it out and take that thing off.

You’re going to Maine, not to Mars. Good-bye, Helen.

- Oh, good-bye, Richard. - But, Mommy, why can’t Daddy come up with us?

Oh, poor Daddy has to stay in the hot city and make money.

Don’t worry about me, Ricky. I’ll be fine.

You’ll be fine. But how will I get my allowance?

- I’ll mail it to ya. - Now, remember, darling,

you promised to eat properly and not smoke. - I know.

- Like Dr. Murphy tells you. - I know, dear.

- And you promised not to drink for a while, like Dr. Summers told you.

- I know, dear. - Don’t worry. I’ll call you tonight at ten

to make sure you’re all right.

- Good-bye, Helen. Good-bye, Ricky. - Bye, darling.

[ Kissing ] Mmm. Let me kiss ya.

- Take that thing off! - Mommy, Mommy! He’s shutting off my oxygen!

- Come on! We’ll miss the train. - [ Gun Buzzing ]

Hey, Helen! Ricky! The paddle! You forgot the paddle!

- Ticket, mister? - No ticket! The paddle!

I’m not going anyplace. My son forgot the paddle.

Sorry, mister. Only those holding tickets admitted through the gates.

Oh, no. Not me. Not me.

And I’m not gonna smoke either.

Look at them. Isn’t that awful?

Train isn’t even out of the station yet.

[ Sighs ] Gotta get back to the office.

Man, is this hot.

[Narrator] Maybe you’d like to know a few more facts about Mr. Sherman.

He works for a publishing firm, Brady & Company.

They’re publishing those pocket editions— you know, two bits in any drugstore.

Old Mr. Brady is the boss.

But to tell you the truth, Mr. Sherman is the key man.

He keeps the whole operation together.

In the 25-cent book business, you can sell anything,

even the old classics, no matter how dreary they are.

The trick is, you’ve got to soup up the title a little...

and get yourself a cheerful and interesting cover.

It’s all a question of imagination.

And Mr. Sherman... has a lot of imagination.

[ Nervous Chuckle ]

That’ll be all, Miss Morris.

[Door Closes] Oh, no. Not me. Not me.

And I’m not gonna smoke either.

[ Sighs ] Some husbands think that because their wives are away for the summer,

they can just run wild, do any terrible thing they want.

Like Charlie Lederer last summer.

Annie hadn’t been gone two days when Charlie went out and got himself tattooed.

Big, green dragon on his chest a butterfly on each shoulder.

Not me. Oh, no. Work, work, work— [ Pencil Breaks ]

[ Sighs ] I’m gonna work here till 6:00.

Then I’ll have dinner at the saloon on the corner. No.

No saloon. No drinking, like Dr. Summers said.

I know what I’ll do. I’ll try that vegetarian restaurant on Third Avenue.

Health food. That’s the stuff.

The human body is a very delicate machine, a precision instrument.

You can’t run it on martinis and Hungarian goulash,

especially in this hot weather.

Miss. [ Clears Throat ] May I have a check, please?

Oh, yes, sir. Hmm. Well, now, let’s see, um—

We had the number seven special:

soya bean hamburger with French-fried soya beans,

soya bean sherbet and peppermint tea.

Don’t forget. I had a cocktail to start.

Oh, yes. We had the sauerkraut juice on the rocks, didn’t we?

You will be proud to know that your entire meal, with a cocktail,

was only 260 calories.

- I am proud. - That will be $1.27.

- Keep the change. - Oh, we don’t permit tipping.

But, if you like I can put it in a fund for our nudist camp.

- You do that. - Oh, thank you, sir.

Nudism is such a worthy cause.

We must bring the message to the people.

We must teach them to unmask their poor, suffocating bodies...

and let them breathe again.

Clothes are the enemy.

Without clothes, there’d be no sickness, there’d be no war.

I ask you, sir, can you imagine two great armies on the battlefield,

no uniforms, completely nude?

No way of telling friend from foe.

- All brothers, together. - Good night.

Just a moment, sir.

- You forgot your paddle. - Oh. Thank you.

I like this house.

Why does Helen keep talking about moving into one of those big, enormous buildings...

that look like Riot in Cell Block 1 1?

It’s so much nicer here. Just three apartments: ours, the Kaufmans upstairs,

and then those two guys on the top floor—

interior decorators or something.

[ Sighs ]

It’s peaceful with everybody gone.

Sure is peaceful.

No Howdy Doody, no Captain Video.

No smell of cooking, no “What happened at the office today, darling?’’

What happened at the office? Well, I shot Mr. Brady in the head,

made violent love to Miss Morris...

and set fire to 300,000 copies of Little Women.

That’s what happened at the office.

What can happen at the office?

It sure is peaceful.

“Use the opener, Richard.’’

[ Scoffs ]

Mmm.

[ Sighs ]

[ Gulps ]

“Contains carbonated water, citric acid, corn syrup,

“artificial raspberry flavoring,

pure vegetable colors and preservative.’’

I would like Dr. Summers to explain to me why this stuff should be better for you...

than a little scotch, plain water and a twist of lemon.

I’d really like to know.

Helen’s gonna call at 10:00. [ Sighs ]

Well, I guess I’d better do a little reading.

I brought Dr. Brubaker’s manuscript home with me and—

[Gasps]

Ricky!

Okay. Where is it?

Where is the other one?

I know it’s lurking here somewhere to get me.

Where is Captain Video’s other roller skate?

[Doorbell Buzzes]

Now, who’s that?

[Door Lock Buzzes]

Yes? What is it?

I’m terribly sorry to bother you, but I forgot the key to my front door,

so I had to ring your bell.

- I feel so silly. - It’s perfectly all right.

Anytime.

Anything else I can do for you?

Yes. Would you mind pressing it again?

- Press what? - The button. My fan’s caught in the door.

Oh. Oh! Of course.

[Buzzes] Thank you.

- Do you live in our building? - Yes, in the Kaufmans’ apartment.

I took it for the summer while they’re away in Europe.

Well, isn’t that nice? I know you’ll be very happy here.

It’s a very charming little building. Very quiet— no dogs, no children.

Just two interior decorators and you. [ Chuckling ]

And, of course, me. [ Neck Cracks, Gasps ]

You all right?

Oh, sure. Fine, fine.

Well, good night.

[ Neck Cracking ] Good night.

Well, now.

Maybe I should have asked her in for a drink. Just being neighborly.

Make her feel at home. After all, we’re all one big family here.

Oh, no. No.

[Key Clatters]

[ Sighs ] I’ve got to get to work on the Brubaker book.

I’ve really got to. I’m going to talk to him about it tomorrow. So I’d better.

“Of Man and the Unconscious, by Dr. Ludwig Brubaker.’’

Some title. Boy, we’ll have to soup this one up.

That’s for sure.

10:00.

Helen’s not gonna call till 10:00.

But I hope this thing keeps me awake till 10:00.

[Yawning ]

“Chapter Three.

“The Repressed Urge in the Middle-aged Male—

Its Roots and Its Consequences.’’

You know, Helen has a lot of nerve calling me at 10:00.

It shows a very definite lack of trust.

What does she think I’m gonna do, start smoking the minute she turns her back?

Get drunk maybe? Or tattooed?

Charlie. Big green dragon. Honest to—

I’ll bet she thinks I’m gonna have girls up here.

You know, that’s a terrible thing.

Seven years we’ve been married, and not once have I done anything like that.

Not once. And don’t think I couldn’t have either.

Because I could have. Plenty.

But plenty.

[ Woman Laughing]

Don’t laugh, Helen.

For your information, I happen to be tremendously attractive to women.

You’re attractive to me, darling, But then, of course, I’m used to you.

This is not a thing that one likes to discuss with one’s wife,

but you might as well know that women have been throwing themselves at me for years.

[Helen Laughing] That’s right, Helen.

Beautiful ones, plenty of ’em.

- Acres and acres of ’em. - Name one.

It’s hard, I mean, just offhand.

There’ve been plenty of ’em though. [Helen Laughing]

All right, you asked for it. Take my secretary, for instance.

To you, she’s just nothing. A Miss Morris, a Dictaphone, a piece of office furniture,

10 fingers to type my letters. [ Intercom Buzzing ]

Well, let me tell you—

- Miss Morris, did you type this letter? - Yes, Mr. Sherman.

There are six typographical errors in the first paragraph alone.

- What is the matter with you, Miss Morris? - Well, I—

Come now, Miss Morris. What is the matter with you?

I’ll tell you what’s the matter with me.

I’m in love with you! That’s what’s the matter with me!

I have been ever since the first day I came here.

Deeply, madly, desperately, all-consumingly.

And what am I to you? Nothing!

Just a piece of furniture, a Dictaphone,

10 fingers to type your miserable letters with!

Mr. Sherman, take a look at me.

I’m a woman! A woman, do you hear?

With flesh and blood and nerves and feelings!

I’m in love with you! I need you! I want you!

I want you! I want— [ Muffled Exclamations ]

That will be all, Miss Morris.

Oh! [ Gasps ]

Oh! [ Crying ]

You remember that torn shirt, don’t you, Helen?

Well, now you know how it happened.

[ Chuckling ] It got torn at the Chinese laundry. That’s how it happened.

What an imagination.

What you don’t realize, Helen, is this thing about women and me.

I walk into a room, and they sense it instantly.

I arouse something in them. I bother them.

It’s a kind of animal thing I’ve got.

It’s really quite extraordinary.

The only extraordinary thing about you is your imagination.

Helen, last winter, when I had my appendix out,

do you happen to remember the nurse?

The nurse?

You mean that sweet little old lady with the gray hair?

That was the day nurse.

But you never saw the night nurse, did you?

A certain Miss Finch.

Poor Miss Finch.

She fought it as long as she could.

But then one night—

- Richard! - Miss Finch, please, not again tonight.

We have so little time.

Soon they’ll be taking out your stitches and...

I’ll have lost you forever.

Please, Miss Finch, there is such a thing as ethics.

Remember, you are a registered nurse.

Ethics?

Once I had ethics.

Once I was young. Once I had ideals.

Once I was registered! And then you happened!

Miss Finch, for five nights now, you have been taking my pulse.

I find it hard to believe that you have never noticed...

this simple band of gold. - You bother me.

You’ve bothered me from the moment they wheeled you into that operating room.

I can’t understand it. There’s a kind of animal thing about you.

Please, Miss Finch. My adhesions.

Let’s crash outta here. Let’s steal an ambulance and make a run for the border.

Miss Finch, you’re not fit to wear that uniform.

You’re rotten to the core.

[ Loud Slaps ]

Beat me. Hit me.

Beat me till your arms ache.

You know I’ll only come crawling back for more!

Miss Finch,

you’re forcing me to take measures to protect you from yourself.

[Alarm Blares]

No! No! No! No! No! No!

Put me down! Put me down!

Put me down! No!

The moth and the flame. That’s what it was, Helen.

Poor Miss Finch.

I hope I didn’t singe her wings too badly.

Richard, you read too many books and see too many movies.

[ Scoffs ]

Or for instance now, you take Elaine.

Your best friend. Your bridesmaid.

Let me tell you what happened with Elaine and me that weekend in Westport last summer.

You were playing canasta with the Lederers, suspecting nothing.

Elaine and I went for a walk.

Walk? We went swimming.

Moonlight swimming.

What is this strange animal thing you have?

It bothers me. It’s bothered me since the first time I saw you.

And it’ll bother me always, from here to eternity.

You must fight it, Elaine. You must be strong.

You must remember I belong to another.

- Richard! - This can never be.

As you know but too well, I have a wonderful, devoted, trusting wife at home...

and a towheaded, freckle-faced little space cadet.

Richard!

Richard!

So, Helen, all I can say is,

in the light of the circumstances, I resent your calling me at 10:00 to check up on me.

You don’t have to worry about me.

Just remember that although I have tremendous personal magnetism,

I also have tremendous strength of character.

And tremendous imagination.

Lately, you’ve begun to imagine in CinemaScope...

with stereophonic sound.

[ Laughing ]

Well—

Back to work. [ Sighs ]

“Chapter Three.

“The Repressed Urge in the Middle-aged Male—

Its Roots and Its Consequences.’’

Helen is worried. I just know she is.

She plays it cool. She can’t fool me. She’s worried plenty.

Why else would she be calling in the middle of the night?

She probably figures she isn’t as young as she used to be.

She’s 31 years old.

One of these days, she’s gonna wake up and find her looks are gone.

Then where will she be? Well, no wonder she’s worried.

Especially since I don’t look a bit different than I did when I was 28.

It’s not my fault that I don’t. It’s just a simple biological fact.

Women age quicker than men.

Yeah, I probably won’t look any different when I’m 60.

I have that kind of a face.

Everybody will think she’s my mother.

[Phone Ringing]

Hello, Mother?

Oh— Oh, Helen!

Well, I wasn’t expecting you to call till 10:00.

Is everything all right?

Why, everything’s fine here.

Seems pretty empty without you though.

Oh, nothing much. Just sitting out on the terrace, drinking.

Getting fractured on raspberry soda.

Little Ricky okay?

Oh, he did? Well, he hasn’t done that for a long time.

It’s probably just the excitement.

[ Chuckles ] That’s nice.

No, I don’t. Who did you meet on the train going up?

Tom MacKenzie? What’s he doing up there?

Uh-huh. My advice to you is to avoid Tom MacKenzie like the plague.

I don’t care if he did help you with Ricky’s kayak.

I don’t want him carrying Ricky’s kayak.

If anybody’s gonna carry Ricky’s kayak, it’s going to be you.

How’s the weather? Cool?

Oh, it’s steaming here. Yeah, like an oven.

Yeah, I’m pretty tired myself.

Good night. Good night, darling.

[ Kisses, Chuckles ]

[ Sighs ]

“Chapter Three.

“The Repressed Urge in the Middle-aged Male—

Its Roots and Its Consequences.’’

Maybe a twist of lemon would help this...

or a shot of Worcestershire.

Hey, up there! What’s the big idea? You want to kill somebody or something?

- What’s the matter? - What do you mean what’s the matter?

This great cast-iron chamber pot of yours practically— [ Meekly ] killed me.

That’s what’s the— Oh. Oh, it’s you.

Well, hello again.

What happened? Oh, golly! The tomato plant fell over.

- It sure did. - I’m terribly sorry.

Oh, don’t worry. It’s nothing.

Nothing? Look at that poor chair. I’ll pay for it, of course.

I just hope it’s not some priceless antique or something.

Forget it. It’s just early Sears-Roebuck.

If there’s anything at all I could do—

Do? Do what?

Really. There’s nothing to worry about.

I’m certainly glad you’re not mad.

Now promise me you won’t even touch it.

I’ll have the janitor come down in the morning and take care of it.

I’ll pay him 50 cents. Well, good night.

- Hey, up there! Wait a minute! - Yes?

I’ll tell you one thing you could do—

That is, if you’d like to. I— I mean, if you’re

really not doing anything else more important.

How would you like to come down here and have a drink with me... maybe?

- Hmm? - Why, thanks! I’d love it.

- You would? - Sure. It’d be fun.

Let me just go put something on.

- I’ll go into the kitchen and get dressed. - The kitchen?

Yes. When it’s hot like this, you know what I do?

I keep my undies in the icebox.

In the icebox?

See you in a minute.

[ Chuckling ] In the icebox.

- [ Chuckling ] - [ Neck Cracks ]

[ Neck Cracking ]

[ Sighs ]

I really need it, Dr. Murphy. Honest I do.

Don’t worry, Dr. Murphy. Just one. That’s all.

[Key Clatters]

All those lovely, injurious tars and resins.

And now a small concession from you too, Dr. Summers.

[ Sighs ]

Now, look, Dr. Summers, let’s be reasonable.

Can’t fly on one wing, ya know.

Okay, okay. I’ll put some soda in it.

[ Sighs ]

Would you like to come down for a drink?

Why, thanks. I’d love it.

Just like that. [ Clicks Tongue ]

[ Chuckles ] A beautiful girl too.

Must be a model or actress or something.

[ Sighs ]

Atmosphere. Need a little atmosphere.

Tomato plant. [ Chuckles ]

Fan caught in the door. [ Chuckling ]

What am I doing anyway?

Oh, this is absolutely ridiculous. The first night Helen leaves,

and I’m bringing dames into the apartment.

[ Sighing ]

Now take it easy. There’s absolutely nothing wrong...

with asking a neighbor down for a drink.

Nothing.

Oh, I just hope she doesn’t get the wrong idea. That’s all.

Oh, if this dame thinks she’s coming down here for some kind of a big time

or something, she’s in for a big surprise.

One drink and out! That’s all. I’m a happily married man,

for Pete’s sake!

Maybe we ought to have a little soft music.

She’s probably getting herself all fixed up.

You know, she’ll probably be wearing some kind of an ice-cold evening dress.

Let’s see.

Debussy. Ravel. Stravinsky.

Stravinsky will only scare her.

Yeah, here’s the baby. Rachmaninoff.

Give her the full treatment. Come in like gangbusters.

♪♪ [ Classical ]

Good old Rachmaninoff. The second piano concerto.

Never misses.

♪♪ [Continues]

[ British Accent ] You came. I’m so glad.

Rachmaninoff!

The second piano concerto.

- It isn’t fair. - Not fair? Why?

Because every time I hear it, I go to pieces.

Oh?

May I sit next to you?

Please do.

♪♪ [ Continues ]

It shakes me. It quakes me.

It makes me feel goose-pimply all over!

I don’t know where I am or who I am.

Or what I’m doing!

Don’t stop. Don’t stop!

Don’t ever stop!

Why did you stop?

You know why I stopped.

- Why? - Because—

Because now I am going to take you in my arms and kiss you...

very quickly and very hard.

[Doorbell Buzzes]

[Buzzes]

One moment, my dear.

♪♪ [ Starts Over ]

You came.

Yeah. I came for the rugs.

The rugs? What rugs? What is it you want, Mr. Kruhulik?

The bedroom rugs. I promised Mrs. Sherman to take up the bedroom rugs.

- Look, Mr. Kruhulik— - For the summer, on account of the moths.

- Forget the rugs, Mr. Kruhulik. - Forget them?

Your wife is gonna come home from the country and find the rugs

full of holes— big, gaping holes.

And who’s gonna get blamed? The janitor. Always the janitor.

If you’re so worried, Mr. Kruhulik, why don’t you pick ’em up

tomorrow morning while I’m at the office?

I can’t do it, Mr. Sherman, not tomorrow morning.

Tomorrow morning, I’m taking the missus and the kids to the train.

They’re going to the country for the summer. Hmm-hmm!

All right, Mr. Kruhulik. Pick ’em up tomorrow afternoon then.

Oh, not in the afternoon, Mr. Sherman. I can’t do it in the afternoon.

I’m going to the barber in the afternoon.

Gonna take a shave, a haircut, manicure— the whole works,

Maybe even a facial. [ Laughs ]

I couldn’t care less, Mr. Kruhulik.

Come tomorrow evening. Come anytime. Just not now.

Tomorrow evening? Do you know that maid from 531 Park?

Oh, you must have seen her walking down the street with her big fat poodle.

- Hmm? - What are you talking about?

Oh, come now, Mr. Sherman. We’re both summer bachelors.

Don’t let’s be naive. [ Laughs ]

Good night, Mr. Kruhulik!

Big fat poodle!

Why, he’s got four kids. Something happens to people in this town in the summer.

It’s disgraceful.

It’s late. Where is she?

Oh, this is ridiculous. ♪♪ [ Stops ]

What is she doing? She could have been down here,

had her lousy drink and gone home already.

Ice, ice. We’ll need ice.

[Doorbell Buzzes]

Coming!

[Doorbell Buzzes]

Coming! Coming!

Hi!

It’s me. Don’t you remember?

The tomato from upstairs.

Oh, of course. The tomato. Come in, please. Come in.

Honestly, I feel sick about it. I don’t know how it happened.

I was up there watering the plants— I promised the Kaufmans I would.

They don’t even have a hose. So I was using the cocktail shaker.

- That’s the only thing I could find. - The cocktail shaker?

Yes. A little silver one.

Then, suddenly, there was this terrible crash.

You know, you could have been killed!

It was probably criminal negligence or manslaughter or something.

You could have sued somebody. Me probably!

Well, not you, ’cause you’d have been dead.

But your lawyers could have. Oh, I feel just terrible.

Look, case dismissed. I’m still alive. So what would you like to drink?

- Oh, I don’t know. Anything. - Mm-hmm.

- You certainly have a nice place here. - Mm-hmm.

- You live here alone? - Yes, I-I live here alone. All alone.

It’s a roller skate. Mine, you know.

- Yours? - It’s adjustable.

Oh, I go roller-skating a lot in the park.

Now, really, what would you like to drink?

- You do drink, don’t you? - Oh, sure. I drink like a fish.

- Do you have gin? - Of course.

- You mean straight gin? - No. Gin and soda, I guess.

Gin and soda?

That’s wrong, isn’t it? It’s scotch and soda.

- How do you drink gin? - Well, there’s gin and tonic,

except I don’t have any tonic.

Then there’s gin and vermouth. That’s a martini.

That sounds cool. I think I’ll have a glass of that.

A big, tall one.

Big, tall martini.

- Mm-hmm. - [ Chuckles ]

This is a much nicer apartment than the Kaufmans’.

For instance, the Kaufmans have no stairs.

Hey! Where do they lead to?

No place.

No place. A stairway to nowhere.

I think that’s just elegant.

I wouldn’t say elegant.

You see, this used to be a duplex— this place and the Kaufmans’.

When the landlord made two apartments out of it,

he just boarded up the ceiling, or in your case the floor.

Oh, yes. I remember that square patch in the floor.

The first day, I dropped my cuticle pusher down the crack.

Cuticle pusher. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Well, here you are. A big, tall martini.

- Thanks. - You’re welcome.

[ Coughs ] Very good.

- Maybe it needs a little more sugar. - Sugar?

No, no. I would strongly advise against putting sugar in a martini.

You would? Why?

Well, you just have to take my word for it.

No sugar in a martini, ever.

That’s funny. Back home they put sugar in martinis a lot.

Back home? Where?

- In Denver, Colorado. - Oh.

Hey! You’ve got air-conditioning.

- How does it work? Put it on. - Sure.

I’ve got air-conditioning in every room.

Isn’t the Kaufman place air-conditioned?

Gee, no. It’s just terrible up there.

That’s why I bought the electric fan.

Whoo. This feels just elegant.

I’m just not made for the heat.

This is my first summer in New York, and it’s practically killing me.

You know what I tried yesterday?

I tried to sleep in the bathtub.

Just lying there up to my neck in cold water.

That sounds like a good idea. [ Chuckles ]

But there was something wrong with the faucet. It kept dripping.

It was keeping me awake. So you know what I did?

I pushed my big toe up the faucet.

I guess that’s what they call American know-how.

The only thing was my toe got stuck, and I couldn’t get it back out again.

- You couldn’t? - No. But thank goodness there

was a phone in the bathroom, so I was able to call the plumber.

- You called the plumber? - Oh, sure. He was very nice,

even though it was Sunday.

I explained the situation to him, and he rushed right over.

Did everything come out all right?

Oh, sure. But it was sort of embarrassing.

Yeah. I can see how it might have been. [ Chuckling ]

Honestly, I almost died.

There I was with a perfectly strange plumber,

and no polish on my toenails.

[ Chuckles ]

- Eh— - [ Coughs ]

- You got a cigarette around? - A cigarette? Cigarette? Oh, sure.

Coming up.

- Here you are. - Are you afraid of burglars or something?

No. I’m just trying not to smoke.

With cigarettes, the theory is that if you

don’t see them, you don’t think about them.

And if you don’t think about them, you don’t want them. [ Chuckles ]

Oh.

Of course, it’s not 100% foolproof. It’s only a theory. There are certain flaws.

In fact, about all it amounts to is you spend half your life dragging ladders

back and forth, climbing up and down.

You could break a leg. Actually, the whole thing is just ridiculous.

At the club, we had this girl— she smoked nothing but cigars.

- Personally, I think she only did it to make herself look older.

- Mmm.

- What club was that? - This club I lived at before I moved in here.

I hated it. You had to be in by 1:00, or they locked the doors.

Now I can stay out all night if I want to.

I was really glad when they kicked me out.

I mean, when they practically asked me to leave.

Well, why did they practically ask you to leave?

It was so silly. I posed for this picture.

And when it was published in U.S. Camera, they got all upset.

Well, what was the matter with the picture?

I was— It was one of these...

artistic pictures.

Oh. [ Chuckles ]

It was on the beach, with some driftwood.

- It got honorable mention. - Honorable mention, in U.S. Camera? Well!

It was called Textures, because you could see three different kinds of texture:

the driftwood, the sand and me.

I got $25 an hour, and it took hours and hours. You’d be surprised.

Sounds like a very interesting line of work.

It was. But I don’t do modeling anymore.

Now I’m on this television program every other week— The Dazzledent Toothpaste Hour.

Oh, you’re an actress then.

- Sort of. I do the commercial part. - Really?

Honest. It’s a very good part.

First they put a little gray makeup on my teeth...

to show what happens when you use ordinary toothpaste.

Then they wipe it off again to show what happens when you use Dazzledent.

I kind of sit there like this...

for about 14 seconds.

And I get to speak lines too.

I had onions at lunch. I had garlic dressing at dinner.

But he’ll never know, because I stay kissing-sweet...

the new Dazzledent way.

- You do that beautifully. - Thank you.

You know, people don’t realize,

but every time I show my teeth on television,

I’m appearing before more people...

than Sarah Bernhardt appeared before in her whole career.

- It’s something to think about. - Oh, it certainly is.

I wish I were old enough to have seen Sarah Bernhardt.

Was she magnificent?

Well, I really wouldn’t know. You see, I’m not quite that old myself.

I guess you’re not really, are you?

Oh, I’m 39— or I will be in August.

At the moment, I’m still only 38.

Thirty-eight? I was 22 day before yesterday.

I didn’t do anything about it though. I didn’t even tell anyone.

Oh, I did do one thing. I bought myself a bottle of champagne.

I thought I’d just sit up there and drink it all by myself.

That sounds absolutely sad.

Oh, no. It would’ve been just elegant,

lying there in the bathtub drinking champagne.

But I couldn’t get the bottle open.

You couldn’t? There’s nothing to it.

It’s just a trick.

You think you could get it open?

I’m pretty sure I could.

I’ve got a wonderful idea.

Why don’t I go upstairs and get it? It’s just sitting in the icebox

with the potato chips and my underwear.

- Do you have champagne glasses? - I think so.

Good! We’ll have a wonderful time.

The man says it’s very good champagne.

Shall I bring the potato chips too?

Sure. Let’s shoot the works.

Okay. [Door Closes]

Honorable mention, U.S. Camera.

U.S. Camera.

“News Events. Children and Animals.

The Human Body.’’

Champagne glasses. Champagne glasses.

[Phone Ringing]

[ Sighs ]

The phone. The phone. Where’s the phone?

[Rings]

Hello? Who is it?

Oh. Oh, Helen. Well, Helen, this is a surprise.

And a very pleasant one if I may say so. How are you?

Sure. Sure, I’m all right. Why shouldn’t I be all right?

Well, in what way do I sound funny?

Everything is just fine here. Mm-hmm.

Now what’s your problem?

Did I know that Ricky forgot his paddle?

I’ve been dragging that thing all over New York.

Sure, I will. Absolutely.

I’ll send it off the first thing in the morning.

Good night.

Who? Who dropped in after dinner?

Tom MacKenzie. Good ol’ Tom. How is he?

Drinking? Who, me?

Whatever gave you that idea?

I was just sitting here reading a book.

A-About driftwood.

Uh, we may publish it. Oh, it’s very interesting.

Some of the formations are absolutely—

[Doorbell Buzzes]

I think I’d better hang up now, Helen.

The bathtub is running over. [Buzzes]

Good night. Night.

[Buzzing]

Sorry. I was on the phone. Long distance.

A friend of mine in the country calling about a kayak pad—

Oh, say.

I figured it just isn’t right to drink champagne in matador pants.

Would you mind fastening my straps in the back?

Oh, sure. Sure.

Potato chips, champagne.

- Do you really think you can get it open? - Hmm?

Oh, yeah.

I’ve opened one or two before in my life.

It’s simply a matter of pressure and counterpressure.

- [ Straining ] There she goes. - Boy, you sure got powerful thumbs.

I used to play a lot of badminton.

- Get the glasses. - Okay.

[ Pops ] Quick, quick! The glasses!

- Pour it. - It seems to be stuck. [ Chuckles ]

That’s silly. Just give it a good yank.

This never happened before. It must be the vacuum.

The suction of the bubbles creates a vacuum.

Let me see if I can do it.

- I’ll try to twist it. - [ Grunts ]

- You’re married! - I am? Yes, I am.

I knew it. I could tell. You look married.

- Actually, my wife and I are separated. - Oh.

What I mean is, separated in the sense that she went away for the summer.

- Oh. Any children? - No. No children. Well, just one.

Little one. Very little. Hardly counts.

It’s cold in there, awfully cold. Finger’s getting numb.

I could call the plumber. He’s very good at getting things out of things.

No. Let’s just keep the plumber out of it.

Grab ahold of the piano.

Careful. I had my appendix out last year.

[ Pops ]

- Are you all right? - Fine.

Are you sure you want to waste your champagne

now that you know that I’m married?

I think it’s wonderful that you’re married.

I think it’s just elegant.

- You do? - Of course. I mean, I wouldn’t be lying

on the floor in the middle of the night...

in some man’s apartment drinking champagne if he wasn’t married.

That’s a very interesting line of reasoning.

Sure. With a married man, it’s all so simple.

I mean, it can’t possibly ever get drastic.

- [ Sighs ] - Have a potato chip.

Drastic? In what sense can’t it possibly get drastic?

You may not believe this, but people keep falling desperately in love with me.

Oh, I believe it.

And suddenly, they get this strange idea in their heads.

I believe that too.

Yes. They start asking me to marry them. All the time.

I don’t know why they do it.

I think maybe it’s a kind of nervousness.

- Maybe. - Mm-hmm.

All I know is I don’t want to get married. Not yet anyway.

Getting married? That’d be worse than living at the club.

Then I’d have to start getting in by 1:00 again.

Very true. You probably would. At least occasionally.

That’s the wonderful part about being with a married man.

No matter what happens, he can’t possibly ask you to marry him.

- Because he’s married already. Right? - Right.

You certainly don’t have to worry about me.

I’m a married man. Oh, am I ever a married man.

I’m probably the most married man you will ever know.

And I give you my solemn promise, I will never, under any circumstances,

ask you to marry me, come what may.

- Well, how about some music? - Fine.

Let’s see. Let’s see what we’ve got here.

Debussy. Ravel. Stravinsky.

Hey! How about this one?

Rachmaninoff. The second piano concerto.

You look to me like a big Rachmaninoff girl.

I do? That’s funny, because I don’t know anything about music.

You don’t have to know anything about music.

Just listen to it. That’s all.

♪♪ [ Classical ]

- This is what they call classical music, isn’t it? - Yes.

I could tell because there’s no vocal.

Shh. Don’t talk.

Don’t fight it.

Relax.

Go limp.

- Like this? - Yes.

Let it sweep over you.

You know, I got the biggest thing for Eddie Fisher.

Very frequently, people go all to pieces listening to this.

- No kidding! - Yes.

It quakes them. It shakes them.

It makes them goose-pimply all over.

Hey! Did you ever try dunking a potato chip in champagne?

It’s real crazy. Here.

- Isn’t that crazy? - Yeah, pretty crazy.

Maybe we better send Rachmaninoff to the showers.

I’m afraid this wasn’t such a good idea.

Don’t worry. Everything’s fine.

A married man, air-conditioning—

champagne and potato chips—

It’s just a wonderful party.

Hey! Look, you’ve got U.S. Camera!

I do? How about that?

♪♪ [ Stops ] I’ve got U.S. Camera.

I bet I bought a dozen copies of this, but I don’t have a single one left.

Boys and people kept stealing them.

Why would they do a thing like that?

That’s me, right there on the beach.

My hair was a little longer then. Did you notice?

No. Actually, I didn’t.

Let me ask you something. When they took this picture,

there must’ve been some passersby.

I mean, some other people around. I mean, how did they keep the crowd back?

Oh, it was taken very early in the morning.

Nobody was even up yet.

Except...

you see that shadow right over there?

- What is it, a seagull? - No. It was a Coast Guard helicopter.

He kept buzzing the beach.

Maybe you’d like for me to autograph this before I leave. People keep asking me to.

Sure. Sure. But you’re not leaving yet, are you?

- How about some more champagne? - Love some.

Okay.

Just freshen it.

- Oh, I’m awfully sorry. - It’s all right.

Here.

We should have some music though.

- Do you play the piano? - Well, not really.

Not anymore. I used to. Just a little, as a child.

- Go ahead. Play something. - Well, all right.

Let’s see if I remember this.

It’s a little tricky.

♪♪ [ Chopsticks ]

Chopsticks! I can play that too. Shove over.

♪♪ [ Humming With Tune ]

I don’t know about Rachmaninoff, whether it shakes you and quakes you and stuff.

- But this really gets me. - It does?

- And how! - ♪♪ [ Humming ]

♪♪ [ Humming ]

- I can feel the goose pimples. - Goose pimples?

Uh-huh.

♪♪ [ Humming ]

Don’t stop.

Don’t stop.

- Why do you stop? - [ British Accent ] You know why.

- Why? - Because—

Because now I’m going to take you in my arms and kiss you...

very quickly and very hard.

Hey, wait a minute! [Loud Crash]

What happened? I kind of lost track.

I don’t know. This is terrible.

There’s nothing I can say, except that I’m terribly sorry.

Nothing like this ever happened to me before in all my life.

Honest? Happens to me all the time.

This is unforgivable.

The only possible excuse is that I’m not quite myself tonight.

So maybe it’d be better if you would just go.

Why? You’re being silly.

Please go. I must insist.

Take your potato chips and go.

All right, if you really want me to.

- Good night. - Good night.

I think you’re very nice.

Nice. You’re not nice.

You’re crazy. That’s what you are.

You’re running amok. Helen’s gone for one day, and you’re running amok.

Smoking, drinking, picking up girls—

playing Chopsticks.

You’re not gonna live through the summer.

Not like this, you’re not.

Look at those bloodshot eyes.

Look at that face— ravaged, dissipated, evil.

One of these mornings, you’re gonna look in the mirror, and that’s all, brother.

The Portrait of Dorian Gray.

[ Gasps ]

Good morning, Mr. Sherman.

Uh, good morning, Miss Morris.

- Mr. Brady get in yet? - Oh, yes. He came in bright and early.

I want to see him. And put this on my desk, please.

Oh, of course.

Oh, Mr. Sherman, would you like me to go down...

and get you some coffee and a jelly doughnut?

- No, thank you, Miss Morris. - I thought perhaps you hadn’t had breakfast,

with the family away and all that.

Miss Morris, I am perfectly capable of fixing my own breakfast.

As a matter of fact, I had a peanut butter sandwich and two whiskey sours.

- Mr. Brady? - Oh, Sherman, come in.

Well, what is it?

Mr. Brady, I’ve been with this company for many years,

and I have never asked for a favor.

But I’m going to ask for a favor now.

- You had a raise in February. - I’m not talking about money, Mr. Brady.

This is much more important than money.

I want two weeks off.

My wife and young son are in the country, and I want to join them.

Why, that’s impossible, Sherman.

This is our busy season. We’re preparing our fall list.

I’m very tense, Mr. Brady, and upset.

I’m on the verge of some kind of a nervous breakdown or something,

and I thought if I could just get back with my wife—

- How long have you been married, Sherman? - Seven years, Mr. Brady.

Well, wait till you’ve been married as long as I have,

and you’ll be delighted to get rid of them for the summer.

Now, take me. Shipped Mrs. Brady and the kids to Nantucket yesterday afternoon,

and I haven’t been to bed since.

[ Laughing ]

Drank bourbon, smoked cigars.

Played poker with the boys till quarter of 9:00 this morning.

Came directly to the office. Never felt better in my life.

As a matter of fact, I may not go to bed at all...

till the family gets back in September.

[ Laughing ]

If I stay in New York alone, there’s a very good chance, Mr. Brady,

that I will not live to see September.

That’s ridiculous, Sherman. You’re just a little lonely.

But I can take care of you.

Say, what about the two of us teaming up tonight,

seeing if we can get lucky?

And it doesn’t have to be just poker either.

We’ll cut loose and have us a real hootenanny.

Well, it’s very kind of you, Mr. Brady, but I don’t think—

Well, I mean, I’m really not— No hootenannies. No, no, no.

Well, suit yourself, Sherman. Oh, but one other thing, while you’re here.

I’ve been thinking about that fall list, and I came up with a notion.

What would you think about a 25-cent reprint of The Portrait of Dorian Gray?

- The Portrait of Dorian Gray? - It’s a natural, Sherman.

Look what we’ll be giving them for a quarter—

violence, lust and corruption.

The story of a young man, on the surface,

clear-eyed and healthy— just like you, Sherman—

But underneath— ah! Dry rot!

And the termites of sin and depravity gnawing at his soul.

Well, how’s that strike you, Sherman?

Dull, dull, dull.

“Chapter Six.

“The Brubaker-Stikle Theory of the Sporadic Infidelity Pattern in the Married Male,

“or the Seven Year Itch.

“A thorough study of 18,000 marriages conducted by Dr. Stikle and myself...

“leads us to believe that the urge curve in the middle-aged husband...

“rises sharply during the seventh year of marriage.

Dr. Stikle refers to this phenomenon somewhat humorously as “the seven year itch.”

Hmm. “However, far from being humorous, this unfortunate urge...

which strikes 84.6% of the married male population...

rises to an alarming 91.8 during the summer months.’’

- Changed my mind. - [ Chuckles ]

[Door Closes]

“Case History ‘A’— Gustav Maraheim, the Mad Lover of Leipzig.

“A rather extreme, but by no means unusual, case of the seven year itch...

“occurred in Leipzig, Germany, in the year 1912.

“Gustav Maraheim, a middle-aged businessman,

happily married for seven years, suddenly’’—

Seven years?

Dr. Brubaker to see Mr. Sherman.

Oh, good afternoon, Doctor. Oh, you’re 15 minutes early.

Yes, I know.

My 3:00 patient jumped out of the window in the middle of his session,

so I have been running 1 5 minutes ahead of schedule ever since.

- Which is the door? - Uh, this one.

- Good afternoon, Mr. Sherman. - Oh, Dr. Brubaker.

I see you’ve been working on my little book— Of Man and the Unconscious.

Yes. It’s a wonderful book, Doctor. Very important.

- It has something in it for everyone. - I think so.

Now, really, Doctor, you’ll be happy to know...

that we’re giving it a big promotion, the full treatment.

Two months from today, you’ll be seeing this cover in every drugstore in America.

“Of Sex and Violence ’’?

Well, we had to soup up the title a little. [ Chuckles ]

And what, may I ask, sir, is this supposed to represent?

Oh, it represents Gustav Maraheim— you remember,

the Mad Lover of Leipzig— terrorizing one of his victims.

Isn’t that just sensational?

May I remind you, sir, that Gustav Maraheim...

was a very small man with a large red beard?

- Doctor, you’re quibbling. Nobody knows that. - They know it in Leipzig.

Und furthermore, may I point out to you, sir,

that all of Maraheim’s victims were middle-aged women.

Now, look, Doctor, don’t you think it’d be much more effective...

to show a man terrorizing a young and beautiful girl?

- Sales-wise, I mean. - Mr. Sherman, I’m not a salesman.

I’m a scientist, a doctor. I heal sick minds.

I try in my small way to root out the insecurities,

neuroses, inner tensions—

What is it, Doctor? What are you looking at?

Nothing, nothing.

- Does that mean something, Doctor? - No. Nothing serious.

A storm warning perhaps.

[ Chuckles ] Dark clouds gathering on the psychic horizon.

That’s preposterous.

A twitch in the thumb— a nerve or a muscle probably—

and you psychiatrists start making a federal case out of it.

Of all the ridiculous—

- Tell me, Doctor. Are you very expensive? - Very.

- I’m sure you occasionally make exceptions. - Never.

I mean, once in a while, a case must come along that really interests you.

At $50 an hour, all my cases interest me.

I mean, if you should run into something really spectacular—

for instance, another Gustav Maraheim.

Doctor, you wouldn’t believe this,

but last night, I found myself...

terrorizing a young lady.

That could, of course, account for the thumb.

Well, actually, it wasn’t that bad. I’m exaggerating.

I just made a little boo-boo.

Psychoanalysis does not recognize the boo-boo as such.

Everything we do has its roots in the unconscious.

Believe me, Doctor, I was completely conscious.

I told her to go. I told her to take her potato chips and go.

Potato chips? If you please.

All right, Doctor.

Doctor, I’m in serious trouble. I’m married.

“Serious trouble.’’ “Married.’’ So far, absolutely normal.

I’ve been married for seven years, and I’m afraid I’m coming down...

with what you and Dr. Stikle call the seven year itch.

What am I going to do?

If something itches, my dear sir, the natural tendency is to scratch.

I scratched last night. You see, there was this young lady—

Then suddenly everything went black. Then I terrorized her.

That is, I attempted to terrorize her.

From the way you phrase it, I assume the attempt was unsuccessful.

Oh, definitely. All I did was knock us both off the piano bench.

Let me understand this.

You attempted to terrorize a young lady on a piano bench?

Yes.

And on whose person was this obviously maladroit attempt committed?

Here, Doctor. I brought this with me.

I didn’t want to leave it lying around the house.

That’s her.

Her hair was a little longer then.

It’s called Textures because you can see the three different textures—

the driftwood, the sand and her.

- It got honorable mention. - Splendid.

I congratulate you on your good taste.

Interesting driftwood formation too.

However, you ask for my advice. I give it to you.

Do not attempt it again.

If you should, however, give yourself plenty of room to work in.

In any case, do not attempt it precariously balanced on a piano bench.

Such an attempt is doomed from the start.

- Look, Doctor, I love my wife. - Don’t we all?

Your time is up. If you should find yourself in need of further analysis—

- Doctor, I’m desperate. - you can call my office.

The nurse will arrange for an appointment.

As for my book, we will resume discussion at such time as your... has subsided.

Suppose this girl tells somebody about this.

Oh, if she tells anybody about this, I’ll kill her.

- I’ll kill her with my bare hands. - A possible solution.

I submit, however, that murder is the most difficult of all crimes

to commit successfully.

Therefore, until you are able to commit a simple act of terror,

I strongly advise you to avoid anything as complex as murder.

One must learn to walk before one can run.

Thank you and good-bye.

[Door Closes]

I’m in big trouble.

I know girls like this. They just can’t keep their big mouths shut.

This is gonna be all over New York.

I bet right this minute she’s telling somebody about it.

Yaddita, yaddita, yaddita—

So he lured me down in his apartment.

He made me sit on his piano bench.

Then he made me play Chopsticks.

Then suddenly he turned on me, his eyes bulging.

He was frothing at the mouth,

just like the creature from the black lagoon.

I knew it. I knew it.

That’s how these stories get started.

Big blabbermouth.

Then he lured her down into his apartment.

Pretended he wasn’t married.

Then he forced her to sit on the piano bench.

I know him very well. He was in here for dinner only last night— 260 calories.

Well, as I was saying, he forced her to sit on the piano bench.

And then do you know what he did?

He made her play Chopsticks.

The word is spreading. It’s spreading.

It’s like jungle drums.

Everybody knows about it. Everybody’s talking about it.

[ Gasps ] Television.

I forgot she’s on television.

Fifty million television sets in America.

And now with the coaxial cable—

I had onions at lunch.

I had garlic dressing at dinner.

But he’ll never know because I stay kissing-sweet...

the new Dazzledent way.

And now that I have your attention,

I want to warn all you girls and women of New York...

about an evil, dangerous, perfectly dreadful married man...

who lives downstairs in my building.

His name is Sherman— Richard Sherman.

S-H-E-R-M-A-N.

While his lovely wife and son are in Maine for the summer,

this monstrous man is terrorizing young girls—

Mommy, Mommy! Come quick!

They’re talking about Daddy on television!

Then he makes them sit on the piano bench.

Then he makes them play Chopsticks.

Then suddenly he turns on them, his eyes bulging, his mouth frothing—

just like the creature from the black lagoon.

[Yelps ]

Well, I might as well face it.

She knows everything. She knows, she knows, she knows.

Then again, maybe she doesn’t.

Maybe there isn’t even any television way up there in Maine.

Oh, I can’t go on torturing myself like this.

Why don’t I just call Helen? If I just call her—

Why, the minute I heard her voice, I could tell if she knew anything.

All right, call her.

Hello, long distance? I want to talk to Ogunquit, Maine.

Uh, Ogunquit-42831-J.

Yeah. Thanks.

I don’t know what’s taking so long. Maybe the line’s busy.

Maybe she’s talking to the lawyers already.

[ Loudly ] Hello? Hello?

Helen? Bad connection.

Who? Who is this?

I want to talk to Mrs. Richard Sherman.

Well, who is this anyway?

Oh, the babysitter.

Well, look, this is Mr. Sherman. Where is Mrs. Sherman?

What do you mean she’s on a hayride?

With whom is she on a hayride?

Mr. MacKenzie and some people?

What people?

She did leave a message for me? What was the message?

Oh, Ricky’s paddle.

No, no, I-I forgot. Something came up.

But tell her I’ll send it the first thing in the morning.

Good-bye. [Laughing]

- Oh, Mr. Sherman? - Yes, Miss Morris.

- What is it, Miss Morris? - Well, it’s five minutes after 6:00.

I just wondered if you’d need me anymore tonight.

No, Miss Morris. No.

We’ve come to the end of a perfect day.

Let us go home now and enjoy the simple things in life,

the good things, the real things—

the laughter of a child, a distant church bell,

a flight of swallows winging their way back to Capistrano.

Life can be beautiful, Miss Morris.

♪♪ [ Whistling ]

Hey!

Good evening.

I just washed my hair.

That’s nice. Good-bye.

Oh, no. Not tonight. This girl’s a pistol.

I got away with it once. Why press my luck?

[ Sighs ]

It’s gonna be quietsville around here tonight,

I promise you that.

Take a shower, poach an egg,

rinse out a shirt, hit the sack and—

That’s all.

♪♪ [ Whistling ]

If she was washing her hair for me, is she kidding?

[ Laughing ]

Oh, Helen, what a wife. How lucky can you get?

I’m so glad she’s having a good time up there.

People to go out with, take her on hayrides. Gee.

One thing I can’t figure out though.

What is she doing on a hayride with Tom MacKenzie?

I wish she wouldn’t hang around with people like that.

A man like Tom MacKenzie’s perfectly capable of making a pass at her.

And she’ll probably like it. She’s getting older.

She’s used to me. In many ways, I’m probably very dull.

And Tom MacKenzie’s a writer.

Well, he happens to be a lousy writer.

That last book of his.

All that “inwardly, downwardly, pulsating,

and afterwards her hair spilled across the pillow’’ malarkey.

No woman is safe around a guy who writes stuff like that,

especially not on a hayride.

No, Tom. Please. The other people.

I have a confession to make. Look around.

- There are no other people. - Don’t be angry.

Oh. I should be.

No, Tom. What about the driver?

There is no driver.

[Helen] No driver?

I thought of everything. Even the horses are wearing blinkers.

Tom, I’m afraid.

Afraid? Of me?

No. Of me.

Oh, darling.

Inwardly, downwardly, pulsating, striving,

now, together, ending and unending—

Now! Now! Now!

What a cornball.

Okay, good luck.

If that’s the way you want to play it, I can play it that way too.

No holds barred.

Kaufman. Kaufman. Kaufman.

Hi.

Did you know you left your tomato plant down here last night?

[ Chuckling ]

I’d be glad to bring it up.

Or maybe if you’d like to have dinner, hmm?

And then maybe we could go to an air-conditioned movie, hmm?

[ Laughing ]

Mmm.

Didn’t you just love the picture? I did.

But I just felt so sorry for the creature, at the end.

Sorry for the creature?

What did you want, him to marry the girl?

He was kind of scary-looking, but he wasn’t really all bad.

I think he just craved a little affection.

You know, a sense of being loved and needed and wanted.

That’s a very interesting point of view.

[Subway Train Approaching] Oh, do you feel the breeze from the subway?

Isn’t it delicious?

[Subway Train Receding]

Sort of cools the ankles, doesn’t it?

Well, what do you think would be fun to do now?

- I don’t know. It’s getting pretty late. - It’s not that late.

The thing is, I have this big day tomorrow. I really have to get to sleep.

- What’s the big day tomorrow? - Tomorrow I’m on television.

You remember. I told you about it. The Dazzledent Hour.

Ooh! Here comes another one.

[Subway Train Rushing]

Tell me, Dazzledent toothpaste—

It’s funny. You know, I don’t think I ever tried it.

You should. It’s excellent toothpaste.

- Is it? - Oh, yes. I use it myself.

Oh, then you do recommend it. I mean, off the record, between friends.

Definitely. It costs only a few pennies more than ordinary toothpaste,

but a recent survey shows that eight out of 10 oral hygienists—

Now you sound like a commercial again. If I believed every commercial I heard—

You can believe this one, every word of it.

What’s that you say on the program?

He’ll never know because I stay kissing-sweet—

the new Dazzledent way?

- Now, really. - It’s true.

I’ll prove it to you.

Well?

My faith in the integrity of American advertising is somewhat restored.

You see?

However, before I go to all the trouble of switching brands,

I want to make absolutely certain.

I just cannot understand people like the Kaufmans.

A successful businessman, probably makes 15,000 a year.

Spends a fortune collecting African sculpture,

but he will not put in air-conditioning.

I’ll bet it was 95 in the bedroom last night— like an oven.

Poor kid. It’s awful.

Good night.

Of course, if you wanted to drop by my place for a few minutes...

just to cool off before you face that Turkish bath up there.

- Well. - I left the air-conditioning on full blast.

It’s cool in there. Probably too cold.

Oh, maybe just for a few minutes.

Sure. To bring the body temperature down a little.

The way I feel about air-conditioning is, no matter how much it costs—

if there’s no bread in the house, if you’ve got to sell the kids’ bonds—

I always say in the summertime, in New York City,

you’ve got to have air-conditioning.

[ Sighs ] Just feel that.

[ Gasps ]

I don’t know if I told you, but I have air-conditioning in every room.

Not just the living room, but the kitchen,

the bathroom, the bedroom.

- It’s heaven! - You just relax.

I’ll fix us two Tom Collinses, and we’ll have a nice, quiet, serious talk.

[ Sighs ] This is really the most.

Well, what shall we talk about, hmm?

How about... psychoanalysis?

I don’t know how much you know about psychoanalysis,

but it’s sort of a hobby of mine.

I like to wander through the labyrinth of the human mind.

What gets me is spending 3.95 for that miserable fan.

It’s absolutely useless.

I’m going to take it back to the drugstore tomorrow...

and tell them to give me my money back.

I just hope I didn’t lose the sales slip.

Forty-eight hours ago, we were strangers,

and now you’re here alone with me in my apartment.

How did it happen? Why did we meet?

Why? The answer, of course, lies in the unconscious.

If they won’t take back the fan,

I’ll just pay another three dollars and get the larger size.

But that’s tomorrow. What about tonight?

I’ve just got to get some sleep.

Do you actually think that tomato plant fell down by itself?

[ Chuckles ] There are no accidents.

Nothing happens by itself. We make it happen.

You didn’t accidentally brush against the tomato plant.

You pushed it.

Maybe if I took the little fan, put it in the icebox...

and left the icebox door open,

then left the bedroom door open...

and soak the sheets and pillowcase in ice water—

No. That’s too icky.

The pattern of your behavior is completely obvious.

You pushed the plant down because you wanted to kill me.

And why do you suppose you wanted to kill me?

Could it be— could it possibly be because you... love me?

Hmm?

Of course, I could just simply ask him if—

I’m sure he wouldn’t mind.

He’s such a nice man.

There’s nothing to be ashamed of.

Under this thin veneer of civilization, we’re all savages.

Man, woman— hopelessly enmeshed.

We’re on a great toboggan. We can’t stop it. We can’t steer it.

It’s too late to run. The beguine has begun!

What are we going to do?

I’ve been thinking about it, and I— I—

Yes?

I’d like to stay here with you tonight.

- Hmm? - I’d like to sleep here.

- Are you sure? - That is, if you don’t mind.

It’s not a question of minding, my dear girl.

It’s just that we don’t want to rush blindly into something.

Look, when I said that we were savages— Well, there are savages and savages.

And this may be a little too savage.

Now, if you wanted to spend an hour or so here, why—

Please don’t make me go back up to that hot apartment.

I haven’t slept in three nights.

I’d like to look good for my show tomorrow.

I could sleep right here in this chair.

I won’t even need a pillow. I’ll be as quiet as a mouse.

You won’t even know I’m around. Please?

Oh, well, that’s different.

Of course you can sleep here. Why not?

After all, we’re not savages. We’re civilized people.

Oh, thank you.

- What time you get up in the morning? - About 8:00, I guess.

I’ll fix your breakfast before I leave.

Fix my breakfast before you— Now, wait a minute.

Suppose someone sees you leaving the apartment at 8:00 in the morning?

There are a lot of people in this building.

Just one person has to see you, and we’re dead.

All right then.

I could get up at 6:00 and sneak upstairs.

Get up at 6:00 and sneak upsta— Sneak! That’s even worse.

Suppose someone sees you sneaking out of here at 6:00 in the morning?

- But we’re not doing anything wrong. - Certainly not.

But there’s such a thing as society, you know— laws, rules.

I don’t mean I necessarily believe in them,

but after all, no man’s an island.

[Doorbell Buzzing]

- Who is it? - It’s me. Mr. Kruhulik.

- What is it, Mr. Kruhulik? - I was just coming home.

Been out with the lady I told you about.

You know, the one with the big, fat poodle. [ Chortles ]

I saw your light, so I thought maybe it might be a good time to pick up the rugs.

At 1:30 in the morning? Are you out of your mind, Mr. Kruhulik?

I promised your wife, Mr. Sherman.

Those moths are probably in there right now,

chewing away big, gaping holes.

Stop worrying, Mr. Kruhulik.

I give you my solemn word of honor that the

moths are not eating anything. They’re asleep.

Why don’t you come back tomorrow, early, before they have their breakfast?

Uh-uh. You can’t trust a moth, Mr. Sherman.

Sometimes they get hungry in the middle of the night,

so they start looking around for a little snack, and then—

Oh, I wish I was dead.

- What is the matter, Mr. Kruhulik? - I’m sorry, Mr. Sherman.

I didn’t quite understand the situation.

In a situation like this, who cares about moths?

Situation, Mr. Kruhulik? What situation?

[Yelps ]

Moths? Let them eat— Let them eat the rugs.

Let them eat the curtains. Who cares?

Go, man, go.

Just a minute, Mr. Kruhulik. I would like to explain this.

This may seem unusual to you, but, actually, it’s the most natural thing in the world.

I’ll say.

[ Whispering ] Summertime, and the livin’ is easy.

Fish are jumpin’, and the cotton is high.

That will be enough, Mr. Kruhulik.

The plain fact is that the young lady lives in this

building, and there’s been a terrible accident.

Hi!

Well, hello!

Isn’t she a living doll?

Mr. Kruhulik, this young lady’s tomato plant fell down.

I’m sorry to disappoint your moth-ridden mind, but that’s all there is to it.

As a matter of fact, I’m glad you dropped in. [ Giggles ]

You can help her take the tomato plant right back

upstairs. It’s right out here on the terrace.

I was out there watering the garden with the cocktail shaker—

That’s right. A little silver cocktail shaker.

So, you can see how preposterous your insinuations were.

A natural mistake, Mr. Sherman.

And my apologies to you, dear lady.

- What a doll! - Right out here, Mr. Kruhulik.

What a shambles!

Oh, it’s all right. We’re completely covered.

- [ Kruhulik Straining ] - I have a floater policy.

Thank you, Mr. Kruhulik, and good night.

Good night, Miss, uh, whatever your name is.

Be careful. It’s heavy. Don’t strain anything.

I’m strained already from carrying that big, fat poodle around all night.

Oh, I wish I was dead.

Well, good night.

Good night.

I’m sorry, but you can see how it is. I—

I understand. No man’s an island.

[ Kisses ]

Normal.

Everything is absolutely normal.

Sleep. Go to sleep.

How can I possibly sleep?

What’ll I do?

Helen. Write a letter to Helen.

Write a long letter to Helen.

The paddle. That’s it. Got to send the paddle.

Little Ricky up there in the middle of the lake without a paddle.

Wrap the paddle and send it off the first thing in the morning.

Little Ricky needs the paddle.

Got to have his paddle. Going to get his paddle!

How do you wrap a paddle anyway?

Paper and string. What else?

Now, where can I get a piece of paper the shape of a paddle?

All right, nothing.

Hey. There’s some gauze in the bathroom.

I could bandage the whole thing, put some adhesive tape on it and—

And what— send it up in an ambulance?

Let’s see.

Oh, this is ridiculous.

People send paddles every day. The mails are full of paddles.

How do they do it?

That’s it— old newspapers.

Big deal. Old newspapers.

Get a lot of string, slap it together—

Hi!

Forgot about the stairs. Isn’t that silly?

It was so easy. I just pulled out the nails.

You know what? We can do this all summer.

Hmm?

[ Moans ]

[Moans]

[ Moaning Continues ]

Miss? Young lady?

I got to take a shower.

Got to get to the office.

Please, lady, get up.

Go home so I can get to the office.

Please, lady. No?

[ Moans ]

Poor kid, working in New York in this heat.

And on television, standing there under those hot lights.

She must need money real bad.

Lives in a big, expensive apartment, dresses nicely.

I know what clothes cost.

Buys imported champagne.

How can she possibly afford—

She must have other sources of income.

Plenty of ways a pretty girl could get her hands on money if she’s unscrupulous enough.

A girl like this could get hold of some foolish, well-to-do married man,

trap him into some kind of a situation,

bleed him till he’s white, squeeze him till he’s dry.

They have a word for this.

They call it... blackmail.

[ Moans ]

[Shower Running]

Where is she? She’s with Kruhulik!

They’re down at the bank going through my safe-deposit box.

Hello? Hello? Are you in there?

Hi! Good morning!

Just taking a shower. Be out in a minute.

[ Sighs ]

[ Chuckling ]

Just taking a shower. She’ll be out in a minute. That’s all.

Maybe I should get one of those big new towels and take it in to her.

Uh-uh. Boo-boo.

That would very definitely be another boo-boo.

Boy, if anybody were to walk in here right now,

would they ever get the wrong idea.

Cinnamon toast for two, strange blonde in the shower.

You go explain that to someone.

Go tell ’em you spent the whole night wrapping a paddle.

Anybody walk in here— Who’s gonna walk in here?

J. Edgar Hoover? Arthur Godfrey and his friends?

Helen maybe? [ Laughing ]

Helen. She’s in Maine.

How could she get here?

On the train. That’s how.

On the early-morning train.

Now, why would she be coming to New York?

Why? Because she knows something.

Because someone tipped her off.

Now, who could’ve tipped her off? Kruhulik— that’s who!

He saw the girl here last night, called Helen long distance—

reversed the charges, of course— and told her everything.

She’s on the train. I know it.

Early-morning train’s in already.

She’s in a cab. She’s on her way here in a cab.

She’ll be here any second!

[ Moans ]

[Gunshots]

There’s a woman in this apartment. I just know there is.

No, no, Helen. It’s not true.

Don’t lie to me, Richard. Don’t lie to me.

Who told you? How did you know?

- Was it Kruhulik? - That’s right.

I’ve had him watching you for months.

- Kruhulik. [ Scoffs ] - His name is not Kruhulik.

He happens to be a private eye named Johnny Dollar.

- What are you going to do? - I’m going to shoot you dead.

Helen, I can explain everything— the cinnamon toast, the shower, everything.

- You see, this girl’s from Denver. - Save your breath.

The Kaufmans have no air-conditioning.

Spent a fortune on African sculpture, but they didn’t put in air-conditioning.

Not only that, but the drugstore wouldn’t take back

the little fan because she lost the sales slip.

So I let her sleep in our bed because it’s too hot up there.

[ Sobbing ] Honest, Helen! I was just wrapping the paddle!

Richard, at least have the decency...

to keep the paddle of an innocent child out of this sordid mess.

[ Sobs ] Helen, you’re mad.

You’ll never get away with this.

Oh, yes, I will. There’s such a thing as the unwritten law.

Good-bye, Richard.

[Gunshots] [ Groans ]

[ Whimpering ] They’ll give you the chair.

They’ll give me a medal!

The wives of America will give me a medal.

[Gunshots]

[ Tumbling Down Stairs]

[ Groans, Sobs ]

Helen, I’m going fast. Give me a cigarette.

A cigarette?

You know what Dr. Murphy told you about smoking.

A cigarette.

Just one more cigarette, Dr. Murphy.

One more for the road— for the long, long road.

Hi! What are you doing?

A cigarette. I need a cigarette.

They’re right there on the table.

- [ Groans ] - What’s the matter with you?

Shot! I’m all shot!

Oh, it’s because I took your bed and you had to sleep on the couch.

I knew I should’ve taken the couch. I just feel terrible.

It’s not the couch. It’s my wife.

She found out about us, and she shot me.

She what?

Five times in the back and twice in the belly.

You’re just having a bad dream.

Yeah. I guess so.

Come on now. Everything’s fine.

It’s just my imagination.

Some people have flat feet. Some people have dandruff.

I have this appalling imagination.

I think it’s just elegant to have an imagination.

I just have no imagination at all.

I have lots of other things, but I have no imagination.

I was just standing there in the kitchen, fixing breakfast.

Then suddenly it occurred to me, that if my wife came walking in,

with you in the shower and me making cinnamon toast,

she’d probably shoot me.

Of course she would.

I know if I was married and I came in on my husband making cinnamon toast...

with some blonde in the shower,

- I’d shoot him. - You would?

- Bang! Bang! Bang! - [ Groaning ]

Right in the head.

[ Laughs ] Come on now. Relax.

- You’re just making this all up. - That’s right.

You know, actually, I don’t suppose that if she had come in,

that she’d go as far as to shoot me.

Oh, she’d be mad and cry and maybe throw an ashtray or something—

Just throw an ashtray?

You know, she probably wouldn’t even do that.

If Helen came in here and found you in the shower, you know what she’d probably think?

She’d probably think you were the plumber.

A blonde plumber?

Absolutely. She trusts me implicitly.

What’s the matter with her? Doesn’t she love you?

Oh, she loves me. You know, she worries about me.

I had an awful cigarette cough, and she made me stop smoking. [ Coughs ]

- Oh, she loves me, all right. - Isn’t she jealous?

Not really. Why should Helen be jealous of me?

How can anybody be jealous of somebody with a briefcase,

who’s getting a little pot, who gets so sleepy by 9:30...

he can’t keep his eyes open?

She trusts me. It would never even occur to her that I—

Like last Christmas. I came home from the office party.

I had lipstick on my collar. You know what Helen said?

She said, “Darling, what’s that on your collar— cranberry sauce?’’

- [Chuckles] - That’s bad.

You know who kissed me? Old Mrs. Brady.

Let’s face it. No pretty girl in her right mind wants me.

- She wants Gregory Peck. - Is that so?

- Well, isn’t it? - How do you know what a pretty girl wants?

I don’t really know, but I imagine a pretty girl—

You and your imagination. You think every girl’s a dope.

You think a girl goes to a party, and there’s some guy—

a great big lunk in a fancy striped vest—

strutting around like a tiger,

giving you that “I’m so handsome you can’t resist me’’ look.

And from this, she’s supposed to fall flat on her face.

Well, she doesn’t fall on her face.

But there’s another guy in the room, way over in the corner.

Maybe he’s kind of nervous and shy and perspiring a little.

First, you look past him,

but then you sort of sense he’s gentle and kind and worried...

and he’ll be tender with you, nice and sweet.

That’s what’s really exciting.

If I were your wife, I’d be very jealous of you.

I’d be very, very jealous.

I think you’re just elegant.

Thank you. [Doorbell Buzzes]

- Aren’t you going to answer? - Answer what?

The doorbell. [Buzzes]

Go ahead. I’ll put the cinnamon on the toast.

[Buzzing Continues]

[Door Lock Buzzes]

Tom MacKenzie?

Morning, Dickie boy! Morning, morning, morning!

What are you doing here? And don’t call me Dickie boy.

I just drove in from the country. Got a date with my agent.

- [ Sniffs ] Is that coffee I smell? - No.

I’m glad I caught you before you went to the office.

I’ve got some important family business to discuss with you.

- Are you sure that’s not coffee? - I am positive.

- What family business? My family? - Sure, your family.

I was driving down, so Helen asked me to stop by and ask you—

Oh, Helen. Oh, she did, huh?

Well, I’m glad she did, because I want to talk to you.

What’s the matter, Dickie boy? You’re acting mighty peculiar.

You think you’re pretty fancy, with the blinkers on the horses.

What are you talking about? What blinkers? What horses?

And no driver and no other people.

- Are you drunk or something? - No, I’m not drunk.

You took Helen on a hayride last night, didn’t you?

No. As a matter of fact, I didn’t. She went with the other people—

about 64 of them. And there were no horses.

- It was more like a bus. - That’s your story.

I was afraid to go because I have this terrible hay fever.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah. It’s sort of a sinus thing really. Had it ever since the army.

This doctor, a second lieutenant, took a big wad of cotton,

and he went in and down—

In and down, uh-huh.

Inwardly, downwardly, pulsating, striving,

now, together, ending and unending.

Now, now, now! I know all about it.

- You are drunk. - You get out of here!

And you tell Helen, if she sent you to get a divorce—

- A divorce? - I absolutely refuse!

Helen didn’t send me for a divorce. She sent me for Ricky’s paddle.

I’ll fight it in every court in the country!

Because I can explain everything— the stairs, the cinnamon toast,

the blonde in the kitchen.

Wait a minute, Dickie boy. Let’s just take it easy.

- What blonde in the kitchen? - Wouldn’t you like to know?

Maybe it’s Marilyn Monroe!

Drunk. Blind, stinking drunk at 8:30 in the morning!

I’ll get six lawyers! I’ll bribe judges!

I’ll do anything, but no divorce!

Listen to me. Listen. Helen does not want a divorce!

All she wants is Ricky’s paddle!

Ricky’s paddle?

All the other kids are out on the lake, paddling around in their kayaks,

but poor Ricky has to stay on the dock because he’s got a kayak,

but you wouldn’t send him his paddle!

Oh, so she wants you to bring his paddle back!

Well, get this. If anybody’s gonna take Ricky’s paddle back,

I’m gonna take his paddle back.

And what’s more, I’ve got a good mind to punch you right in the nose.

- Why? - Why? Because you’re a big lunk. That’s why.

Strutting around in your fancy vest...

with that “I’m so handsome you can’t resist me’’ look!

Well, let me tell you something.

- Helen loves me. - Sure, she loves you!

And you know why she loves me?

She loves me because I’m sweet and gentle...

and worried and nervous and shy and tender!

♪♪ [ Phonograph: Classical ]

♪♪ [ Stops ] Breakfast is ready.

Anybody you know?

Oh, meet Tom MacKenzie, a very good friend of mine.

How do you do, Tom MacKenzie?

He came for Ricky’s paddle. Ricky needs his paddle.

I’m taking his paddle back to him.

Would this be a good time to pick up the ru—

- Oh, I wish I was dead. - Wait a minute, Kruhulik. Come back here.

If you wanna pick up something, pick up this.

This? Okay, Mr. Sherman.

[ Grunts ] What do you want me to do with him?

I don’t care what you do with him. Put him in mothballs. Do anything you like.

Just get him out of here.

Boy, I’m telling you— Lug the big, fat poodle,

lug the tomato plant, now lug this.

I’ll almost be glad when everybody’s wife gets home and things settle down.

The 8:47! I can still make the 8:47.

I don’t think I can stay for breakfast. I’m sorry.

Don’t ever be sorry.

Look, do me one favor. Call Brady & Company. It’s in the book.

And tell Mr. Brady I’m taking two weeks off whether he likes it or not.

Tell him I’m going off on a hootenanny.

And why don’t you stay right here? It’s all yours.

You’ve got your own duplex, big, tall martinis, air-conditioning.

- Anything you want. - Thank you.

Well, I guess that’s all.

- Just one more thing. - What?

I have a message for your wife.

Don’t wipe it off.

If she thinks it’s cranberry sauce, tell her she’s got cherry pits in her head.

Wait!

Hey!

[ Neck Cracks ]

[ Cracking ]

[ Cracking Stops ]