Original subtitles

Case?

Sir Simon de Canterville.

When can I speak with my client?

There’s no time, the case is about to start.

But I haven’t talked to my client.

The robing rooms are through there.

Who is that?

Counsel for the Prosecution.

They call him the Great Orator because he never loses a case.

I’d wish you luck but would be wasting my breath — metaphorically speaking.

Where were you at the bar?

I’m not… I haven’t graduated yet.

In that case I wish you a miracle.

All rise, all rise for the Right Honourable Angel of Death.

Your Honour.

You will address me as, "My Lord."

My Lord. I would like to ask for an adjournment.

Counsels approach the bench!

I’ve not had an opportunity to review the evidence files…

Defence Counsel is extant, my Lord.

This is most unorthodox.

There are prophecy conditions in place, my Lord.

All the evidence will be duly presented in court.

And given the case has already taken half a millennium to get to trial,

I myself, would like to get out of here in time for a decent lunch.

Bring in the Defendant.

Simon de Canterville. You are charged with entrapment to marriage,

theft and wilfully causing the death of your wife and child.

How do you plead?

For mercy.

I thought love was only true in fairy tales…

Yes, Theo was on to something,

how about that, chip off the old block.

Mrs. Otis, have you seen Ginny?

No, not since the twins… performance.

If you see her, will you tell her… tell her I’m looking for her.

Sure.

Something’s happened between Cecil and Ginny.

9.89 mils of adhesive…

Go, you know you want to,

before Mrs. Umney catches you writing on her best damask.

I love you; I won’t be long.

Would you like to dance?

Yeah.

Oh, off already, lady Deborah? I hope you enjoyed your evening.

It’s everything I hoped for.

The Prosecution calls Peter Lovell.

For the record, please state your occupation in 1575.

Architect and master builder.

And Father to sons Murgo and Dickon and a daughter Ethelinda.

For the record,

Mr. Lovell’s sons are currently serving a one thousand year sentence

in the garden of unrest for the murder of the defendant.

In 1570 you were engaged by Lord Henry Canterville

for the design and construction of the Great Wing.

- Yes. - How did you feel

when you discovered your daughter’s "romance"

with your employer’s son and heir?

What do you think?

Romani and Gorgers have no union with one another.

Despite your objections, you allowed the couple to be hand fasted.

A form of marriage

in which the hands are tied together denoting the binding of two lives.

It sounds highly impractical.

I believe the ties are removed after the ceremony, my Lord.

Crucially the marriage was morganatic

and unrecognized in English law.

English laws are not recognized by us.

The witness will confine himself to answering the questions.

And yet the defendant broke his vow.

Defaulted from the contract and married another.

This time a marriage recognized in English law.

And in doing so denied the existence of his union with Ethelinda Lovell.

And what were the repercussions of this perfidy?

She was dishonoured.

Marime — which incurs the ultimate sanction.

Expulsion from the community. There is no greater punishment.

Other than death perhaps.

No further questions.

Mr. Lovell…

Mr. Lovell,

the Romani frown upon alliances with non Romani

and yet you allowed such a union to take place?

I bowed to the inevitable.

They were air and fire. There was no keeping them apart.

Thank you, Mr. Lovell. No further questions.

M, C, L, what if they aren’t letters but numbers like Roman numerals.

Then we’re looking for someone who died in 1150.

Here, Isabelle de Canterville 1104 to 1150.

A butterfly wing in a ring.

- The Jack of diamonds. - О… k…

The Jack of diamonds, the six of clubs and the two of diamonds.

Nope. Still not computing.

Every playing card has a meaning.

The Jack of diamonds is,

"a butterfly wing set in a ring. This you good luck should bring."

Ok, I’m gonna cone down after you.

The Prosecution calls Lord Henry Canterville.

Can you describe to the court

what the defendant was like growing up?

Objection. My client’s childhood behaviour has no bearing on this case.

Denied.

He was the youngest of twin sons, the runt of the litter.

A fractious and sickly child,

whereas his brother was everything one could wish for in a son.

Fair of face and disposition. Athletic and a scholar.

When they both were afflicted with ague, we expected the weakest to die.

That the superior son was taken, broke his parents’ hearts.

A disappointment then?

Grievously so.

Foppish and a dreamer, prone to irrational outbursts of sentiment.

We always expected he would come to nothing.

Fears, members of the Jury, which became founded.

What did you do when you discovered

your son had formed an alliance with Ethelinda Lovell?

We forbad it and found him a suitable match.

This would be Lady Eleanor Featherstonehaugh.

Daughter of the 3rd Earl of Featherstonehaugh

and one of the most desirable matches in the land.

And your son agreed to this match?

Or that or be the ruination of a family name.

Thank you, my Lord. No further questions.

Lord Henry. Did you love your son?

Am I expected to answer that?

If you can indulge my learned friend on this occasion.

I did my duty.

He was fed and clothed and given the finest education

- and found a suitable wife. - A woman he didn’t love.

Of what relevance is this?

My Lord, I’m afraid I must intervene.

This isn’t a colloquy

on the nature of romantic attachment.

No further questions.

Evidence of the fateful events will be presented on historical monitor

so the Jury can form their own conclusions

as to the black hearted nature of the defendant.

Ethelinda Lovell took refuge in the woods. Living off the land for survival.

But as winter came, such a way of survival became untenable.

I draw your attention to the fact

that this was the coldest recorded winter in 200 years.

Shunned by her people

and out of options, the desperate woman made her way

through a freezing blizzard to seek shelter

from the only one who could help her.

Admit her!

Any man that does shall earn a whipping.

She has the nerve to show her face.

She will perish along with my son.

He is a Canterville.

It is a by blow.

You have the effrontery to speak of it when your wife

stands here with a true heir of Canterville in her belly.

- Guards! - No!

It must come from him, so this is finished once and for all.

Speak

or go down in history as a disgrace to the house of Canterville.

Close the gates.

No! No! No! No! No!

On the 4th of December 1575,

Ethelinda Lovell froze to death.

Her baby son carried off and devoured by wild animals.

And there we have it members of the Jury.

Here rests the case for the prosecution.

Excellent.

Time for a cup of tea and maybe a slice of walnut cake.

All rise.

I need to consult with my client.

An apology is not necessary.

I should’st ne’er have entrusted such a task to one so unlustrous.

Well,

we have a saying, it ain’t all over till the fat lady sings.

Whence is this portly chanteuse of whom thou speakest?

It means… never mind.

It means I haven’t presented the case for the defence.

The Jury need to hear your side of the story, and I think I may have the…

Never! I will’t not be witness.

But you must.

I… parade

my innermost self before that pathetic pall of panjandrums.

I… I’m not e’en rehearsed.

I saw your pain when you spoke of Ethelinda.

You were not the man painted by the prosecution.

The jury need to see you as I do.

You need to tell me everything.

Woah, let’s look around.

Keep your eyes peeled for a priest hole.

Hey, er, what does the next symbol mean?

The six of clubs will bring you hope. Make three knots in a piece of rope.

Look.

- Nine, ten… - What are you doing?

Working out where the ghost got in.

Eleven, twelve, thirteen, fourteen, fifteen.

The Tapestry room is right up there so…

Ok. Headlamps off.

Ultraviolet lamps on.

Got him.

This is solid stone.

He can’t go through solid stone. There must be something behind here.

The defence calls Jeremiah Otis to the stand.

Please state your name and occupation in 1575.

Jeremiah Otis. Poacher.

Father to nine children the youngest of whom was Simeon Otis?

1575-1643.

- Yeah. - On 4th December 1575

you were fined one shilling for poaching at Canterville assize court.

Objection, my Lord,

the witness has already answered for his earthly transgressions.

I will rephrase.

Mr. Otis. After leaving the assize court, can you describe your route home?

That would be through the woods.

This is a map of the area in 1575.

This route would have taken Mr. Otis

past the spot where Ethelinda Lovell was found dead.

Mr. Otis, 8 of your 9 children

are recorded in the parish birth records...

the exception being the youngest, Simeon.

I put it to you this is because

he wasn’t your biological son, your natural son.

That he is in fact

the son of Sir Simon de Canterville and Ethelinda Lovell.

Order! Order!

Mr. Otis.

Poor lamb was near death when I found her.

Her last words were…

My baby…

His name is… Simon.

Scrap was blue with cold and half dead so I took him home to the wife.

Fearsomely fond of the bairn she was

and we already had eight so one more didn’t make a difference.

Only we changed his name to Simeon.

It means God has heard...

our little miracle he was.

Members of the Jury.

Simeon Otis grew to adulthood and in 1620 emigrated to the New World

where he founded a dynasty who survive to this day.

I move that the charge of infanticide be dismissed.

Sustained.

Order! Order!

The defence calls Murgo and Dickon Lovell to the stand.

You and your brother were on a team of builders working at Canterville Chase

when your sister arrived to seek shelter.

Close the gates.

No! No! No! No! No!

We saw him send her to her death.

And neglected to go to her aid?

She was marime. It was forbidden.

So we avenged her.

By abducting and murdering the defendant?

Objection.

The witnesses are already serving sentences for their crimes

and are not on trial here.

Sustained.

According to your statements,

when you "apprehended" Sir Simon, he was carrying a bag of jewels.

We didn’t steal them.

Lovell’s aren’t thieves.

We left them hidden with his rotten bones so no Canterville could ever find them.

Objection. The witnesses are not the ones on trial here.

Withdrawn.

You abducted the defendant in the sunken garden.

Am I right in saying this is the most direct route

from the house to the stables?

Yes.

No further questions.

The defence calls Sir Simon de Canterville.

The defence calls Sir Simon de Canterville.

You reside at Canterville Chase, England

where you are currently Ghost in Residence?

I am generally considered the Premier Ghost in British Isles.

If I may bring you back to the events on the 4th of December 1575.

Specifically, what happened immediately after

you gave the orders to turn Ethelinda Lovell from the gates.

My Father didst order all to their chambers to prepareth for dinner.

‘Twas not worthy to prepare for.

The cooks did ruin everything due to my wife’s instructions.

She was a woman who didst truly know naught of cookery.

I mean immediately after

you gave the order to close the gates.

Did you regret the order?

Three words to my damnation.

Before they passed my lips.

You didn’t go to your chamber as your father instructed.

You went to the treasury where you stole a number of family jewels?

I prefer "borrowest."

They wouldst have come to me upon my father’s death.

What did you do after you "borrowed" the jewels?

I didst go to saddle a horse.

You were going after Ethelinda?

For the benefit of the Jury can you explain your plan?

To find her. Sell the jewels and purchase a passage for us to the New World

where we couldst maketh a life together.

So it was your intention to atone?

‘Twas not to go hunt boar in a blizzard!

What were your thoughts on realising your predicament?

That I deserved no less.

Help.

Help.

Help me.

No further questions.

You say you lamented the deed

before the words left your lips.

Yet your attitude

if you will forgive me — hardly comes over as one of regret?

Indeed, if lament after the deed were a defence,

then his Lord and I would both be out of a job.

No further questions.

For the benefit of the Jury the defendant is bound by the conditions of a curse.

Can you explain these conditions?

I canst not weep for my sins for I have no tears,

nor pray for my soul for I have no faith.

For the record,

the defendant has been lamenting for his sins for four hundred and forty six years.

That is one hundred and sixty two thousand, seven hundred and ninety days.

Or three million, nine hundred thousand and six, nine hundred and sixty hours.

Has he not lamented enough?

Here rests the case for the defence.

The defendant claims

he regretted his deed,

after a lifetime of showing no regret.

No regret

when he abandoned Ethelinda Lovell for a woman of his own class.

No regret when she was banished from her community.

No regret when he cast her out in a blizzard to her certain death.

No regret, members of the Jury.

No regret.

Until after the event which I don’t need to remind you

is not a defence.

Thus rendering him undeserving of this Court’s mercy.

You see before you a man guilty of many crimes.

Oath breaking, moral cowardice. Theft.

A man who by his own admission caused the death of his wife.

A man the Prosecution claims showed no regret.

I show you a man who regretted that decision as the words left his mouth.

Prepared to defy his family. And outlaw himself to atone for his wrongs.

Wrongs that condemned him to limbo.

Denied divine justice. Truly a fate worse than death.

This is a court of mercy.

I direct you to the mercy shown by Ethelinda Lovell to the defendant.

In her dying words she named her son after his father.

Certain proof she forgave him before she died.

If she can forgive then so must you.

Goodnight, Mrs. Otis. Thank you for a lovely evening.

Hey, no, you’re not going anywhere until you tell me what happened.

It was all sorted,

I said I was calling off the wedding.

She told me she didn’t want to be with me.

No, she was lying.

You go and find her, and this time don’t take no for an answer.

Will the Foreperson please rise.

On the charges how do the Jury find?

Mercy or no mercy?

Mercy.

Yes, quite right…

Order, please, the Court is still sitting.

Order!

Simon de Canterville you have been deemed worthy of mercy by the Jury.

Given mitigation and time served in limbo

I sentence you to repose in the garden of rest.

I thank thee.

It appears the curse remains in place

due to an outstanding prophecy condition.

My Lord, I believe the conditions of the prophecy were all fulfilled.

Curses and prophecies are not within this Court’s jurisdiction.

Therefore I have no option other than to return the prisoner

to his earthly limbo until the conditions are met.

Sir Simon?

Sir Simon?

Sir Simon.

If there is a priest hole behind here then how does it open?

Eyes front and spread out.

You go right, we’ll go left.

- Now what? - Behind you.

Three knots in a piece of rope… help me.

Let me try.

Good to see you. No luck?

I can’t find her.

And no one else has seen her since the kids bushwacked the ghost.

Patience! Charity… time to go home.

Where are the Twins?

I don’t understand.

Haven’t all the conditions of the prophecy been fulfilled?

I’m sorry I failed you.

Sir Simon? Are you there?

If you can hear me please hurry back. I need your help.

"Woe to the wicked! It will go badly with him,

for what he deserves will be done to him."

This is it. The priest hole’s around here somewhere.

What are we looking for?

"A spider spinning on the wall means he will be brave and strong and tall."

Plenty of real spiders for sure but I don’t see the mechanism.

There!

Am I glad to see you. How did you find me?

We were looking for the ghost. How the heck did you get here?

It’s a long story.

Is that Sir Simon?

Yes.

Then where’s the treasure?

We don’t need the treasure; we need to get out of here.

No worries. We get out the same way Ginny got in.

How did you get in?

- Boys! - Ginny!

- Ginny! - Boys! Where are you?

Children, where are you?

- Girls? - Ginny!

So Sir Simon’s our great, great, great something grandfather?

And our great, great aunt

was your great, great, great grandmother which makes us great, great, great…

- 14th cousins once removed. - Yeh.

- That’s just weird. - It’s destiny.

Where’s Sir Simon now?

I guess he’s on his way back from the 4th dimension.

Nine hours, two sets of twins, thirteen, and our daughter, twenty-two.

Yeh, yeh, I realise she’s an adult but…

Even so there’s absolutely no reason for them to have all gone missing.

If they have found the priest hole, it’s been hidden for centuries,

what chance do we have?

You look at bit worse for wear.

So wouldst thou if thou had been scattered to the 4th dimension and back.

Come closer for I am weak…

What’s he doing?

Talking. That’s Cesspitt. He’s Sir Simon’s familiar.

I don’t care if they are family.

You would send me to the domain of the hag with the broom of death?

If she splays my gizzards on sight

on your head be it.

They say someone will be on the way shortly.

They’ll freeze to death before shortly.

They told me what they were up to.

Too darn caught up with my own problems as usual.

I should never have brought us here.

You weren’t to know they would be so clever, Sir.

It’s only a rat.

It’s a filthy verminous rat. In "my" kitchen.

Stop, stop Mrs. Umney. Look at its eyes.

It’s trying to tell us something. Come out. We won’t hurt you.

I wouldn’t count on it.

What do you want?

It wants us to follow.

- No, we’ve already searched in here. - Then we’ll search it again.

Hey, look, over here.

Where’s he gone?

Where did he go? You think they’re behind here?

Don’t know, he was there.

It’s solid. At least two feet of brick I reckon.

Then where did the rat go?

Kids!

Hello!

- Stand back. - Really?

Cecil.

Help!

We’re coming.

Are you all there?

We’re all fine, Mom.

We’re not. We’re freezing. And starving!

Come on.

Oh, Sweetie.

There you go, are you cold?

- Watch your feet, here you go. - Here you go.

You guys, you’ve outdone yourselves this time.

Let’s get you home. Hot baths then food.

What are you doing here?

You don’t get rid of me that easily.

So you won the case, Honey, that’s incredible.

We won the case but Sir Simon’s still here

because the prophecy isn’t fulfilled.

I don’t know why.

Promise me you’ll never disappear like that again.

And my grandmother can do her worst,

I’m going to tell Moppy just as soon as…

- Tell me what? - Cecil, I am warning you.

Yeh, babe.

You’re a terrific girl.

Kind and beautiful.

Any bloke could be lucky to have you… Except perhaps just…

not me.

The last thing I meant was to hurt you.

So like, the wedding’s off?

Yah, well, maybe it’s for the best.

Right. Er… well, I’m glad you see it that way.

It is not for the best. Cecil,

you will have nothing.

They will have each other.

Oh please, don’t say money can’t buy you happiness.

It can certainly make unhappiness a whole lot more palatable.

And is that the voice of experience?

Because for all your wealth and status you don’t strike me as happy.

And you’re about to cast off the one thing that can make you so,

which is family.

We will discuss this later, Cecil. Come, Moppy.

Laters.

You say you can’t make my dreams come true and you couldn’t be more wrong,

because from the moment I laid eyes on you I’ve dreamt of nothing else.

Marry me, Ginny.

And this time I won’t take no for an answer.

I’m not getting up until you say yes

even if that means I’m glued to this spot for the rest of my life.

Get up, you numpty.

Is that…

British for yes.

Yes, I’ll marry you. Yes.

You know, I’ve always felt something about this place.

We’re not Otis’ we’re Cantervilles. We belong here.

Except now we have to leave.

- We didn’t even find the treasure. - I thought you wanted to go home?

If we’re Cantervilles then we are home.

Poor Sir Simon.

I suppose we should call an undertaker or maybe the police

because this is, technically, a crime scene.

Oh, what’s happening to him?

His finger…

Is he pointing at something?

What. Is there something there?

Woah.

- No way. - Wow!

This is what we’ve been looking for.

The Lord is my Shepherd, I shall not want.

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures:

he leadeth me beside the s… s… still waters.

I should have specified no lilies as they made me fneeze.

…I will fear no evil, evil. For thou art with me.

Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me…

We are here to discuss the distribution of the deceased’s estate

in the presence of possible beneficiaries and er...

rather unorthodoxly — the deceased.

I had assumed after the… internment… Sir Simon would have… passed?

‘Tis a mere issue technical in’t reading of the prophecy, soon to be resolved.

Don’t look at me. Apparently, it’s sub judice.

I see. Then as regards the estate,

hereby defined as the proceeds of antique jewels

valued at approximately 7 million pounds sterling.

With the added complication

it was technically the stolen property of Lord Henry Canterville.

A legal minefield to put it mildly.

Well, seems simple enough to me.

The jewels are Canterville heirlooms and belong to the family.

Well, I’m glad that’s settled.

St John. We can leave Mrs. Watkins to sort out the paperwork.

Why dost thou allow a Featherstonehaugh female to speak?

She is not a Canterville.

No, she isn’t. Sit down, Mother!

The deed of sale

as drawn up by Mrs. Watkins herself stated the buyer

took ghost and contents at valuation.

That is true.

Frank and Theo found it. Maybe they should have it.

We could set up college funds.

It was all of us. We couldn’t have done it on our own.

It’s blood money. Lovells want none of it.

Enough! This sorry wittery filibuster.

Desist in thy circuitous tiffery.

Am I not most senior member of the family — I proffer a solution.

- Woah! - Oh wow!

- How about that. - Look at that.

- How do you do that? - It’s amazing.

Well done.

If we’re agreed on the amendments to clauses fifteen and twenty-nine

we can get you a revised contract over straight away.

If we install micro-hydro turbines into the river

we can significantly reduce carbon emissions.

Hello, COLCorp… St John Canterville speaking.

Can we do 500 units?

Yeh, we can do that.

Splendid. Thank you so much.

Grannie.

I’m so glad you came.

I have decided to delay my objections pending the arrival of an heir.

Don’t leave it too long.

Lovell.

- Duke. - Seems I owe you.

Saved me a million on a wedding

not to mention life being a lot quieter since you’ve been on the scene.

Blessed relief if you want the truth.

You’re welcome.

Ralph, this is Tatty, Tatty Tappen. She’s just flown in from New York.

Did you come in on the red eye?

Private jet.

I hate them. It’s like being stuck in a very small hotel room

only up in the air.

I hate being cooped up inside. I’d much rather be fishing.

I, I, I don’t know many girls who like fishing.

I could tie a golden olive dabbler before I could write my own name.

- Let me show you where you’re sitting. - Awesome.

Just erm, mind, mind the step.

Stand by Ushers! Bride approaching at 3 o’clock. Groom to position.

Please be seated.

Should anyone present know of any reason

why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony,

speak now or forever hold thy peace.

Oh, for goodness sake man get on with it!

- What’s that? - What’s happening?

It’s beautiful.

The two houses have reunited.

Cantervilles and Lovells.

And henceforth, peace shall come unto Canterville.

Thou hast opened for me the portals of death’s house.

For love is always with you and love is stronger than death.

I thank thee.

Adieu.

Rest in peace, Sir Simon.