Original subtitles

Cutter, I'm not an alcoholic.

I've been in this business long enough to know

that the next word out of your mouth is a lie.

I'm calling the police.

- On the ground, sir. - Don't make me tase you.

How y'all doing?

You know them?

I trained those two dipshits.

I would say that when I think about my ex-wife,

it makes me wanna drink.

What did go wrong?

Not cool, man.

She's dead.

I never said she was dead.

You said you ran into a tree

and she died.

She came close,

but she pulled through.

Would someone else like to share something, please?

Don't drink. Don't drink.

Hey.

Hey.

Yeah? You got a light?

I don't smoke.

Once a pussy, always a pussy.

Dad?

Well, at least your little pussy ears are still working.

What are you doing here?

I needed to see you, Sammy.

You couldn't call?

You're catching me at a weird time--

I'm dying.

Bullshit.

Nah, I'm not dying. But I sort of missed you.

So how you been?

Great. I'm great. I'm perfect.

What are you doing here?

I'm on my way up to Vancouver to tag this broad,

so I thought I'd drop by.

Check this out. She sent me a tit pic.

She's a bit of a tease, though. She only sent me one tit.

I don't need to see that. Cute though, huh?

What were you in the church for,

you in some kind of gay men's choir?

I run a support group.

Oh, What kind of support group? Is it a gay thing?

No, I'm not gay.

I was married to a woman, remember?

I-I work with people who have substance-abuse issues.

Oh? So you're still doing that? I thought it was kind of a fad,

you know, like when you did karate or went to college.

No, it's not a fad.

Just my life. Oh, good, good, good.

It's nice to see you

sticking with something for a change.

Look, I've had a long day-- Me too.

Come on, let's go get some grub.

I'm buying. I know this great place to get lobster.

I hate lobster, you know that. How can you hate lobster?

It upsets my stomach.

Oh, cut that shit.

Lobster's one of God's great delicacies.

There isn't a person on the planet

that doesn't love lobster.

Oh, yeah? You know what they

used it for in the 1800s?

Fertilizer. Right. Right.

And those were the same assholes who also had slaves.

So if you wanna support that too,

then maybe I don't wanna have dinner with you,

you alt-right motherfucker.

♪ The North Sea sings...

Hey, sorry I haven't seen you since your accident thing.

My "accident thing"?

Do you mean the drunken car wreck

where I almost killed my then-wife?

Why, did you have another one?

You got my card though, huh?

No. Well, I definitely sent one.

It must've got lost or something.

Mail out of Bangkok's been a mess

since the rickshaws went electric.

Okay, here's your Rob Roy.

Thank you, Annette. Ooh.

I'll take that.

And your Amstel Light.

Are you kidding me? What? It's a light beer.

Dad, I'm sober.

I thought your problem was drugs and hard liquor?

Yeah, well, if you quit the drugs

and alcohol, you gotta quit the beer too.

Got it. Bring him a glass of wine, please.

No. No wine. What?

One glass ain't gonna kill you.

Little French kids

drink wine at lunch.

I'm not a French kid.

Wow. If you can't have one glass of wine

with your old man, then you got bigger problems.

Yeah, okay. Now you're starting to get it.

Be right back. Everything--?

Ready to order? Yeah, two bake-stuffed lobsters.

No. No.

I'm not-- I can't have lobster.

I told you that. It's hard on my stomach.

That's the butter. Don't blame the lobster,

the lobster did nothing.

Why are you always defending the lobster?

It's like the lobster can do no wrong with you.

All right.

I'll have the chicken.

Okay.

He's a good kid. He's just going through some heavy stuff.

Oh. That's why I came back here,

to do what dads do.

That's sweet.

God, I wish my dad were more like you.

What's the matter? He wasn't around much?

I mean, it's just...

It's a long story.

That's okay. Go ahead.

Tell me about it.

I wanna hear your story.

Hey, man, what's up?

So guess what.

- My dad's in town. - Yeah, yeah.

I know. I may have told him you were at the church.

What? Why would you do that?

You know he's one of my triggers.

I thought "Rainbow Connection" was your trigger.

I got a lot of fucking triggers!

All right, sorry, dude.

Hey, does he still think I'm gay?

He thinks everybody is gay.

Look, I'm not calling you as my friend now.

Okay? I'm calling you as my sponsor.

What are you talking about?

I need your fucking help.

He put a beer in front of me, and if...

it hadn't been an Amstel Light,

this would be a very different phone call.

What an asshole.

I really fucking wanted it, man. It was like...

frosted mug and...

golden amber.

Of course you did.

So how do I-- How do you deal with this?

I don't know, man. It's different for everybody.

You know what I mean? You gotta just

figure out what works for you

and then do that. What works for me--

Wha-- Definitely wouldn't work for you.

I know that much.

Cut the shit, all right?

I need some real advice, here.

Okay. Well, just,

you know, think of all the hard work

you've done and...

The weeks and months and years and...

And how you got a lot of people counting on you.

And, you know, they look up to you. Don't they?

You know, so...

Just don't erase all that with one drink.

Yeah, you gotta do better than that next time.

I gotta go.

There, there. Let it all out.

Daddy's here. Mm-mm.

- Hey. Where are your keys? - Hey.

My dad has 'em.

You have a dad? Mm-hm.

I always thought you were one of those Russian babies

who grew up in an orphanage without human contact.

Actually, pretty accurate.

No, I have one. He's a total drunk

who spends every waking second

trying to bone anything with a pulse.

Ew. You say that,

but you'll probably end up doing him.

Okay. Everything your dad could possibly steal

has been locked away in the safe underneath my bed.

You have a safe under your bed?

Nope.

I'm gonna-- I'm gonna go

check on the chili.

♪ I knew a girl

♪ With marks of X

♪ I knew someone

♪ I couldn't forget

♪ Though it haunted me

♪ It shook me

♪ But I carried on

♪ Just how I came

♪ If not for the pain

- Yeah, yeah. Take it all. - Take it all.

Oh, yeah. Take it all. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. No, no, no. Come on!

Not here. Sorry, but someone sleeping

on the couch. Dad, please.

Come on, kid, give me a break.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, oh, yeah.

Hey.

Wake up. I need the couch.

What? No.

This is my spot. Come on.

Well, no, it's my spot that I let you have.

Until now. Get up.

Ugh!

If I get up, then I might go out and get drunk.

Well, I'll buy you the first round.

What the fuck?

Man. Dude, now I gotta plug this shit up somewhere else.

All right, fine, fine! I'll sleep on the floor.

Oh, yeah.

Take it. Take it all.

Oh, yeah.

Sounds like he really knows what he's doing in there.

Shut up.

Yeah.

Good morning, pussycat.

Is Annette still here? Who?

The woman with the daddy issues.

No, she had to take her kids to school.

Not everybody sleeps the day away

like you do, kiddo.

Oh, hey, Jack.

Holy shit, Ben, did you gain weight?

Uh, no. I actually lost a-a little bit of weight.

Uh, might be time to get a new scale, kiddo.

Hey, hope I didn't keep you up last night.

Oh, you mean with all that loud fucking?

Yeah.

She was a screamer, huh?

Oh, and Sammy, you'll probably

wanna wash your sheets.

Yeah, I'm burning those.

And who is this beauty?

I'm Claire.

Clear?

Is that some Scientology thing?

'Cause there's definitely something evolved

- about this lady. - Okay, okay. Give it a rest.

All right, all right. So what are we doing today? Huh?

We aren't doing anything.

Oh, come on, how often do we get to hang around? Hm?

Aren't you supposed to be up in Vancouver

with the uni-boober?

You wouldn't talk to your dad

like that, would you?

My dad's dead.

Oh, hm. Walked right into that one.

I know, let's go to the pool hall

and hustle marks like when you were a kid.

No. I can't. I've got stuff to do.

Aw, you're like that kid

in that "Cat's in the Cradle" song.

That's a song about a father who ignores his kid.

Yeah, and the kid ends up ignoring the dad.

There are no winners here.

Mm-hm.

God, you are a whiney fuck.

I'm sorry if you don't think I was the greatest dad

when you were a kid. Get over it.

Get over it? That's right, get over it.

Until I get the kinks worked out

in my time machine, there is nothing we can do.

Now, come on, I wanna hang around.

I know, take me to one of your "meetings."

You wanna go to one of my meetings?

Of course I do.

But first we better

stop at the liquor store.

I'm gonna need something strong

to get through that shit.

Hey.

Hey. How you doing?

Not bad, how are you doing? Good.

Good.

Um... So how is Ben doing?

Uh, he's good, you know, being Ben.

Why?

I was just curious.

Because he just seemed a little odd

the last time I saw him.

Oh, yeah, he's kind of weird

when my dad's around.

Someone call? My ears were burning.

Probably your syphilis.

Come on, Sam,

you don't get syphilis in the ears.

Unless she turns her head at the wrong moment.

Allison, this is Jack. He's my father.

Don't smile. He'll try to bang you.

Jack Loudermilk, Esquire.

You're not-- He's not a lawyer.

I was telling her my name and my favorite magazine.

I figured, being that she's a model,

she's probably been in the damn thing.

Here we go. Okay, I can see the resemblance.

If only charm were genetic.

True that. I-- I will see you guys later.

I certainly hope so.

We could talk about your dad.

Stop, please. Stop. What?

2C, I'll remember that.

911, I'll remember that.

- Come on. - I'm coming, I'm coming.

Come on, somebody. Who wants to talk?

I-I-I'm sick of this shit, all right?

We're gonna do an exercise.

Everybody is gonna say one thing humiliating about themselves

that nobody else knows.

No more of this playing it safe shit.

Who's gonna start?

No.

Usually I sleep with just a shirt on.

- You mean no underwear? - Nope.

Just a shirt. Sometimes just my tie.

Okay. That's a terrible start.

I think we can do a lot better than that.

Who's up? I once had to watch my son

tap dancing to "Disco Duck" during a school talent show.

That was as humiliating as hell.

All right, I was fucking 7.

What about when you were 14--

All right, I wanna hear from some people

who are actually in the group.

I fucked a chicken once.

Okay. G--

What?

I fucked a chicken.

You mean...

you fucked a chick?

Can I tell my own story? Thank you.

Y-yeah.

Uh... My old lady

kicked me out of the house.

This was back in Aberdeen.

I was sleeping in the barn.

And I was all pissed off and drunk out of my gourd.

There was this chicken there.

And I-- I picked it up and I--

I fucked it.

How is-- How is that even possible?

I'm not a zoologist,

but I guess you gotta go up...

in where the eggs come down, right?

Yeah, I mean, that's the chicken vagina.

Or the chi-gina?

Well, I know it wasn't the asshole

because I didn't get any shit on me

or anything, you know?

Hey, what came first, the chicken or the egg?

I think I did.

Okay, we're done with that.

Somebody talk about something that's happening this week.

Who wants to start?

Sam, a moment?

Yeah.

All right, just everybody,

just do your best, all right?

I'll be right back.

Hey, Padre.

You got your crucifix and holy water handy?

This guy's got demons.

Listen, I got some scheduling issues we need to talk about.

Yeah, I know, we started late today.

I got my asshole father in town--

No, it's not about that. In fact, I was gonna tell you...

since I gave you back the keys, I've noticed some nice changes

in some of the guys around here. Oh, Good.

I think they're really starting to put it together.

Mugsy is right on the verge of really getting it.

So you're saying I'm not an alcoholic?

No, I don't think so.

But I've been in rehab three times.

Rehab is a business.

That's true. It is big business.

So, what happened to you?

Oh, nothing. My parents are both

on the small side, but that's--

Not you, Flapjacks.

What? Nothing.

What do you mean?

What do you mean, what do I mean?

What happened to your arms?

They get blown off or something?

Yeah. Yeah, they got blown off in Iraq,

but they managed to reattach my hands.

You know, they did their best.

Oof. Anyway,

I'd venture to guess

more than half of you people are not alcoholics.

What kind of shit are you talking, buddy?

Let me ask a question, why do you guys like to drink?

I don't know. Because it makes me feel good?

Yeah, that's why I drink too.

Really? Me too. Yep.

What was it God said in the bible about feeling good?

He said, "Go for it." He didn't say that.

What did Jesus do his last night on Earth?

He partied.

He got his guys together,

and they turned bread into wine.

And then they got hammered.

So God wants us to be happy?

You bet your ass he does.

But society demonized you guys.

I mean, they couldn't ban alcohol outright.

Even though they sure as hell tried.

So they come at you guys another way.

And you wanna know why?

Because rehab is big business. And every big business,

it's got lobbyists.

And the lobbyists for the rehab industry,

they got paid to make sure

that every senator and every governor

voted to lower the DUI level to 0.08.

Even though that 0.08, well,

you don't even get drunk

until you're into the teens, right?

0.08 is mouthwash.

Tom, I want you to leave.

Okay, come on, I wanna stay-- Now.

So now drunk driving is 0.08.

So when you get arrested for drunk driving,

you're obligated to do rehab. Why?

Because these lobbyists,

they got the law changed that says

if you do rehab, they can't fire you from your job.

So you see what they're doing?

They're feeding the dragon.

It does seem that way sometimes.

They never gave Dean Martin

or Spuds MacKenzie this kind of shit.

Exactly.

Dudley Moore's only good movie was Arthur.

Oh, yeah.

But how do I know if I'm not really an alcoholic?

Don't listen to this idiot. You're all alcoholics.

Just do what I do.

I quit drinking for one month

every year just to test the brakes.

If you can do that, you're not an alcoholic.

I've got five weeks under my belt right now.

Then you're not an alcoholic.

I've been sober for nine months.

Then you're definitely not an alcoholic.

Longest I ever been clean is five days.

Huh...

Well, you may have a problem, chicken fucker.

So the bingo bitches-- Ah.

Bingo ladies.

Are taking Tuesdays at 8. We keep Thursdays at 8

and move to Tuesdays at 5?

No, your Thursdays are at 5, and your Wednesday

moved to Saturday. Loudermilk.

Cutter's choking out your dad.

Huh?

Accept the things you cannot change

and change the things you can!

Stop resisting or I'll shove-- Aren't you gonna break that up?

my blue chip down your throat!

- In a sec. - He's resisting!

How long was I out?

Just for a couple minutes, and you deserved it.

Those guys are trying to walk a tightrope,

and you're grabbing the wire

and shaking it.

I was trying to give them hope.

Hope? Hope that maybe

they're not bad.

Are you a fucking idiot?

They're worse than they think they are.

The only hope these guys have for decent lives is to accept

the fact that they can never, ever drink again.

Okay, relax. Relax. I'm gonna get out of your hair.

I've got a masseuse coming over to work on my neck.

How is that getting out of my hair?

Don't worry, you won't even know we're here.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy?

Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy?

Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy?

Who's your daddy? Who's your daddy?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

What's her hourly? I mean, how can he afford this?

Yeah, take it all.

Take it all. Yeah.

I thought he was just being charming when he said

he was gonna give her frame damage.

Really? You found that charming?

Well...cute.

Take it all. Take it all.

Yeah. Take it all.

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

What's this?

I don't know.

Huh?

I don't know.

- Who's your daddy? - Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Get out here.

- Right now? - I'm in middle of someone.

Now.

No. No. Don't, look--

Don't worry about him.

No, you don't have to leave.

Your neck seems fine now.

I'm gonna go. What are you talking about?

I was just getting loosened up. Hey, come on, Svetlana.

Come on, we were having fun, weren't we?

Oh, please.

You happy, shitballs? Look what you did.

You owe me an apology.

I owe you an apology? For what?

Look what I found hiding under the couch.

That's not mine.

Bullshit. Who's is it then?

Okay, it's mine. But at least I hid it.

I guess I forgot how good your nose is for hard liquor.

I told you that everybody here is trying to be sober.

I think you should apologize to all of us.

Why? You never apologized to me. Isn't that one of your steps?

Apologizing to your old man?

No. I apologize to the people that I wrong

not people who wronged me.

Fine. I'm getting the hell out of here.

No, no, no, you don't get to fucking get off that easy!

All right? You just blow

in and out of my life like a tornado.

Why can't you for once take responsibility

for being so fucking irresponsible?

Okay.

I'm sorry I brought the flask. Happy?

No. I'm talking about my whole life.

Oh, Christ, here we go again.

When you were a kid, I was a good father.

You gave me a key to the liquor cabinet.

You asked me to.

I was 12.

Okay, so I made one mistake.

When I was in 9th grade you disappeared for four years.

We didn't see you for four years.

That was between your mother and me.

Well, what about me, huh?

What about me, Dad?

That's why I came back.

Sure, when I didn't need you anymore.

Look, we all had terrible childhoods, okay?

I had one. My father had one. You had one.

And your kid's gonna have one.

No.

No, he's not.

Because this fucked up Loudermilk legacy

ends right here.

I don't doubt that,

with your personality.

What person doesn't like lobster?

Fuck you.

No, fuck you.

Why can't you just admit

the thing that's really pissing you off

is that I can drink and you can't.

That's bullshit.

Bullshit? Is it?

I can drink, and I can go to bed,

get up, go to work and have a normal life.

When you drink, you forget little things,

stupid things, like how to go to bed,

how to write, how to drive.

I want you out of here by morning.

You know what?

I'm gonna call my masseuse and tell her to come back.

Hey. Hey.

Where are you going?

I just has a blowout with my dad,

I'm gonna go check into a hotel.

At 2 a.m.? Why don't you just--?

What, sleep on your couch?

No, just go back and, you know,

smooth things over with your dad.

Yeah, that's not gonna happen.

I mean, I would-- What?

I'd let you sleep on my couch, Loudermilk, but...

my couch is, like, three feet long.

Well, I don't mind sleeping on the floor.

I don't know, Sam, you know?

Carl might not go for that.

Okay, couch is good.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Oh.

- Who's your daddy now? - You.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Take it all. Take it all.

Sorry for all this.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Take it all. Take it all.

I, um...

I got an idea.

Do you want me to put on some music?

Why not?

Sure.

- Who's your daddy? - Who's your daddy?

Who's your daddy?

♪ Early to the party

♪ You're the first One there ♪

Who's this?

Andy Shauf.

Huh. Nice.

It's Carl's.

♪ Standing in the kitchen

♪ Stressing out the host

♪ Pulling teeth Till anyone arrives ♪

What are you still doing here?

I didn't want us to end things like that.

We're not-- We're not ending anything.

Okay? We're just--

I think we do better when we're apart.

Yeah. Well, I just want you to know that,

no matter what you think of me...

I'm very proud to have you as my son.

Well, thanks.

I mean, God know you were far from perfect,

but you were good enough for me.

Okay.

Anyway, I got a Vancouver cougar waiting up north for me,

so I should hit the road. Hm.

Oh, and, Sammy.

You might want to keep an eye on Ben.

Not gay.

No, he just seems, uh...

vulnerable.

Okay, sure.

Give your old man a hug.

Travel safe. Mm-hm.

Hey, Dad.

Uh...

I just, you know...

Sorry.

Did he leave?

Yep.

Well, say what you will about him, but...

that guy can fuck.

♪ Well, I've been here A long time ♪

♪ But I never Got the truth ♪

♪ That my whole life Was here ♪

♪ Condensed Into this room ♪

♪ Well, it's hard To refute ♪

♪ When you're on the run

♪ But you're Gonna miss me ♪

♪ When I'm gone