All language subtitles for Loudermilk.S01E06.Lay.Lady.Lay.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DD5.1.H265-SiGMA

I need you to go
to a meeting for me.

A client meeting?

Kind of. Not really.

I got a DUI last month.

I need you to go
to this Sober

Friends meeting
and pretend to be me.

Do you mind if I sit in?

Who wants to sponsor Tom?

Fuck it. I'll do it.

You sure, Cutter?
You think you're ready

after what happened
to Ollie?

Looking forward
to diving in, seeing--

You feel that?

That's the grip
this thing's got on you, man.

See you, Tom.

Why'd you take my records

and my record player?

She went into Rhino Vinyl.

This is what
she walked out with.

So she has shitty taste
in music.

So what? It's not her fault.
Most beautiful women do.

I'm getting
a different sponsor.

I do appreciate
everything you've done for me.

Do you realize,
as I'm standing here,

the Earth is spinning
on its axis

a thousand miles an hour?

Like, if I was God
spinning a basketball.

A thousand miles an hour.

And at the same time
it's doing that,

the Earth is going
in orbit around the sun

at guess what rate of speed?

Sixty-six thousand
miles an hour.

66,000 miles an hour,
a thousand miles an hour.

And on top of that,
the whole solar system's

going through
the Milky Way galaxy

at guess what rate of speed?

Four hundred thousand
miles an hour.

400,000 miles an hour,
66,000 miles an hour,

and a thousand miles an hour.

To top it all off,
as that's happening,

the whole Milky Way galaxy
is tearing through the universe

at guess what rate of speed?
2.2 million miles an hour.

And that, officer, is why
I failed to walk a straight line

as you requested
a few moments ago.

Hey, what--?
Aw.

What the hell
are you doing?

I'm asking myself
the same thing.

I don't know
what's more disturbing,

that you got a beer
in your hand

or you're stroking
your cucumber

to some soft-core
make out porn.

And not even
having a hard-on.

I had a hard-on.

What happened
to good old gold-chip Donny?

Looks like he's doing
a top-notch job.

Come on. Let's get him
on the blower ASAP,

tell him you had a slip.

No. It's late.

I'll call him tomorrow.

We might not have
a tomorrow

if we don't get this
under control now.

Oh, darn.
He's not picking up.

Yeah? Well, that's
top-notch sponsoring.

If I ever meet this Donny guy,
I'm gonna choke him out.

You've reached Donny.
Leave a message.

I got his voicemail,
so I'm gonna--

Hey, shithead.

While you're out
doing God knows what,

your sponsee's
sucking back beers

like Bukowski
at the Golden Goose happy hour.

I had one beer.
You're a goddamn gold chip.

Get on the ball, man.
You know how this goes.

You're better than this!

What are you doing?

I'm waiting for him
to call back.

I'm giving him 10 minutes.

After that,
he's officially fired,

and I'm back on the clock.

Ticktock.

I can't live like this. Heh.

I gotta lay the truth out.

They say it'll set you free.

I hope so.

Cutter, I'm not
an alcoholic.

God.

That's funny.

You know how
those homosexuals

have a thing
they call "gaydar"?

Us drunks have something too.
We call it "drunkdar."

It's not as clever as gaydar,
but it works.

Alky. Boop. Boop.
Boop. Boop. Boop. Boop.

Stop scanning me.
I know an alky when I see one.

I can sense it.

It's like elephants
who took to higher ground

before the tsunami.

No, no.
I went to that meeting

for my boss.

If your boss thinks
you have a problem,

he's probably right.

No, no, you don't
understand.

My boss got the DUI,
and he--

Save it!

I've been in this business

long enough to know
the next word

that comes out of your mouth
is gonna be a lie.

Fine. Okay.

You calling
dependable Donny again?

No. I'm calling the police.

I tried
to explain it to you,

but you won't listen to me.

I tried to ask you
to leave nicely,

and you refused, so...

Emergency.

- Hi there.
- Problem?

Yes. I need your help.

A man, uh, climbed
onto my balcony,

he entered
my apartment and--

There's no need
to send anyone.

It's my ex-sponsee,
and that's his disease talking.

You think that's gonna keep them
from sending someone?

Let 'em come. What do I care?
Jesus.

If it takes me
getting arrested

to prove myself to you,
so be it.

Let me know
when they get here.

Oh, I will.

Hey, you journal too?

It's a great way of freeing
negative emotions.

It's not a journal.
It's for work.

I didn't know
you were in advertising.

Yep.

"Jumping Jack Crash"?

You worked on this?

Yes.

Actually, I created
the entire campaign.

You came up
with Jumping Jack Crash?

Goddamn.

I fucking love
that little rabbit.

Zzt! With that little
lightning bolt on his head.

That cracks me up
every time.

Zzt! Man, I'm impressed.

Who knew you were funny?
You don't seem funny to me.

Thanks.

You should probably go.
The police are on their way.

Now, that's good shit.

Woo!

Pigs are here, Tommy.
I'll handle it. Don't worry.

Sir.

We got a call
about an intruder.

Put your hands
where we can see 'em.

One move,
and I'll snap his neck.

- On the ground, sir.
- Don't make me tase you.

You couldn't tase
your own dick, Diaz.

Stand down, Tennely.

How y'all doing?

- Good, man.
- Long time, Cutter.

Good to see you, man.

Just don't worry
about this guy,

- He's a bit--
- Just helping him out.

Everything's good?

Everything's good.

All right.

Wait, where are you going?

Sorry you had to come out here
for nothing.

For nothing? No, no, no.

This is not for nothing.

This is for something.

Be safe.

Wait, wait, wait!

I wanna file a complaint.

That was Diaz and Tennely.

We go way back.

Good guys.

You--? You know them?
Know 'em?

I trained
those two dipshits.

I used to be a cop.
Didn't I tell you?

No.

Yep. 10 minutes.

That makes it official.

Donny's done.

You're mine again.

We're gonna start
working them steps.

Come on.
No.

I've got a latte
for Jim over here.

You want me
to talk to him for you?

Hm?

Tell him to untuck his shirt

because he looks
like a fucking idiot?

No.

♪ Taking the edge off of me

All right.

♪ Is a necessity when

♪ I'm singing these words
That I no longer mean ♪

Yeah, okay.

Excuse me. Sir?

♪ I am not a poet
I'm a broken heart ♪

Don't go anywhere.

Yeah?

It's Tony.

Hey, Tony.

I got a DUI last night.

What are you calling me for?

'Cause I'm in county lockup.

Why didn't you call
your sponsor?

They took my phone

and I couldn't remember
anybody's numbers.

You remember mine?
Yeah.

Your numbers
spell out "shitbag."

Really?

No, I just know your number.

Please, will you
come get me?

All right. Where am I going?

I told you, County.

Fine. See you there.

Please.

Oh, shit.

No. I told you to wait.

You dodged a bullet,
mom jeans.

So Tony, what did you
learn from your DUI?

Did you at least get
some understanding

of why you drank last night?

I know exactly why.

My wife opened up my bottle

of Giuseppe Quintarelli

"Alzero" Cabernet Veneto.

Whoa, why do you have
a bottle of wine?

I bought it for an investment.
It's like art.

And all of a sudden,
Karen decides

to open up to cook with it.

I'm telling you,
I was upstairs,

and I could smell
the hint of vanilla

mixed with clove.

Mm. Little bit of cherry
in there as well.

That sounds amazing.

You bet your ass
it's amazing.

They age it
in Slovakian oak barrels,

for fuck's sake.

Anyone ever see
that film Sideways?

What a fucking
great film that is.

It was like you were
actually drinking it yourself.

Oh, man.
I felt that way

when Chevy Chase
drank the eggnog

in Christmas Vacation.

Oh, the one that got me
was United 93.

I couldn't take my eyes off
those little Jameson bottles.

I had to walk
out of the theater.

Okay. It's enough
romanticizing, all right?

It's just fucking booze.

That's the thing
that brought us all here.

So your wife opens the bottle.
Why you gotta drink it?

She poured half a cup
into her spaghetti sauce

and then stuffed
the cork back in.

What the fuck
was I supposed to do?

That's a $400
bottle of wine.

Yeah, don't put this
on your wife. All right?

You're responsible for keeping
your side of the street clean.

But she lives on my side
of the street,

and she's messing it up.

No, cut the shit.

You're in charge of you.
Not her.

That still doesn't explain
why you got into your car.

I was heading downtown
to my wine locker

to grab a bottle
of Screaming Eagle.

Why?

Because it's the only wine

that can follow up
a Giuseppe Veneto.

Okay, you--

You gotta get rid
of that locker.

All right?
You gotta sell it all.

Every single bottle.

You want me
to liquidate my assets?

Yeah. I want you
to liquidate the liquids.

Invest in yourself,
you dumb fuck.

Or Alcoa, or mutual funds.

Hey, what are you doing?

It's not 1975.
You can't smoke in here.

My bad.

I've been meaning to ask you

how things were going
with your sponsee.

He's had a couple missteps.
Oh, yeah?

But I've been right there
to catch him.

Good.

Feels good to be of service.

Yeah.

You know, I was this close

to picking up again
before Tom showed up.

Shit, really?

Yeah, Tom's cry for help

really struck a chord in me.

I'm not talking
no pussy minor chord.

I'm talking E major.

Like Pete Townshend hits

at the beginning
of "Teenage Wasteland."

"Baba O'Riley."
That's an F-major chord.

Who gives a fuck
what chord it is?

Right.

Yeah, sorry. Sorry.

Look, I'm pouring
my guts out here.

Mm-hm. Yeah.

It's a great chord.

You know, when Ollie
finally went south...

it was a rough road, man.

I remember.

But working
with that newbie...

is finally taking me out
of that dark place.

It's kind of like my--

My pineal gland
has decalcified, you know?

Sure.

Thank you.
Thank you for that, man.

Sure. You got it. Anytime.

Man, you hard on us,
Loudermilk.

Well, some of you need it.

But you're doing good.
You're on fire, man.

It's okay, man. But you--

As hard as you are on us,

you're always harder
on yourself.

You're actually on fire.

You need me
for anything else?

No. No. Go. Go. Go.
You're on fire. Go.

Okay, yeah, this ciggy is
burning a hole in my pocket.

All right.
All right. Good stuff, Cutter.

You home?

Hey.

Yes?

Uh, I just wanted
to make sure

that Ben got you
your records back.

They're all accounted for.

Good, good, good.

Um, are you gonna be listening
to shitty music tonight?

Because I was hoping
to get to bed early.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.

You know, your musical taste
isn't so impeccable, either.

Well, I never said
it was impeccable.

Spin Doctors, Pocket Full
Of Kryptonite. Five stars.

Remember, when I wrote
that review,

the videos had not
come out yet.

You said they were
the next Grateful Dead.

Well, it's
a rock-solid album,

and I stand by the review.

I didn't tell the guy

to wear the freaking hat.

He looked like
a Peruvian sheep herder.

Odelay by Beck.
One and a half stars. Really?

That was personal.

Yet you gushed over Limp Bizkit.
All right.

I was drinking and drugging
pretty heavy

when Chocolate Starfish

and the Hot Dog
Flavored Water came out.

I gotta admit...

that shit sounds
pretty good on blow.

Mixed with tequila and wine.

On an empty stomach.

Okay, fine.
You got me. You got me.

I just-- I didn't come here
to argue music with you.

I just--

You know, I just
wanted to make things, uh...

You mean, like, apologize?

Whatever you wanna call it.
I don't know.

Um, I didn't mean to go off
on you the other day.

That's-that's all.

Okay.

I will accept your apology,

but you need to learn
not to get so worked up

over something
as trivial as music.

Okay, fuck it.

Hey.

Now I was kidding.

Oh.

Oh, okay.

Oh. Uh...

So, you and I are good?

Yeah.

Hey. Hey. Hey.

Closed.
No, no. It's me. It's me, Tom.

Tom. Tom from group.

What are you doin' here?
I need to talk to you.

Well, that's what
group's for.

No, I need to talk to you

without Cutter around.

Look, you can't just show up

a-at somebody's workplace.

Yeah. Tell that
to Cutter.

Please.

All right.
Thank you.

Okay. Be honest with me.

Am I in danger?

What are you talking about?

Just level with me.
Is Cutter insane?

Is he bipolar?
Does he have PTSD?

What happened to Ollie?

Okay. All right.
Calm down.

Are you high?

No. I'm-- I'm not high.
Okay. All right. Go sit down.

Okay. Um...

Are you 100 percent sure
Cutter did not kill Ollie?

Yes. I am.

Cutter did not kill Ollie.

Okay, because he's weird.

You should see him
when he sleeps.

He stabs at the air,
and he shrieks

like a fisher cat.
When did you see Cutter asleep?

He sleeps on the floor
next to my bed.

Why?

I don't know why.

All right. Look.

I can tell you that Cutter's
99 percent harmless, okay?

But the thing is
that he does give a shit.

He really, really,
really wants you to be sober.

Okay, but I didn't
sign up for this.

No. You were court-ordered.

Why can't you be my sponsor?

No. You got a sponsor.
I think this is good for Cutter.

Good for Cutter? I thought this
was supposed to be about me.

See, that's
your problem, Tom.

Right there.
It's not all about you.

Okay? As soon as you
get your head around that

you're gonna start to get
a handle on your disease.

I-- Listen I get
what you're saying--

Pork-snout.
Aah-aah-aah.

Come on, we gotta go.
How'd he know you're here?

He drove me here.
Louder looks busy.

What?
His time's up, okay?

I-I told him I was--

I had to give
you my cousin's band's CD

that they actually do want you
to listen to it,

and it-- It's good.

Everything all right?

Everything's cool.

Everything's so copacetic.

Motherfucker.

He's a fucking cop?
Jesus Christ, man.

Yeah, he used to be.

He probably failed
his psych evaluation.

We need to make sure
he doesn't find out about us

or we could be
big-time screwed, okay?

We could get
jail time for this.

How am I gonna
get you promoted from jail?

No. "Jail"?
W-w-what do you mean, "jail"?

Duh!

It's a felony.

You filling in
for my third DUI?

Third DUI? You didn't
tell me it was your third.

Come on. You think
they can send me

to 30 meetings for one DUI?

Get your head on straight.

I can't believe
how much you fucked this up.

You know, you need to start

taking some responsibility
for your actions, Kevin.

Maybe you shouldn't
get all these DUIs.

Enough with
the mumbo jumbo.

You've been
to too many meetings.

No shit.
Calm down.

Okay. The good news is
look what came in today.

This is your new client.

Voluptuous.

Okay?

You want to get to know her.
You want to get to love her.

Because you, baby,

are taking the reins
on this one.

Wait, really?
I have the reins?

That's right. It's all you.

This is your
Jumping Jack Crash.

Jumping Jack Crash
is my Jumping Jack Crash.

Yeah, well, right.

Now they won't fuck you
out of the recognition.

"They?" That was you.

Okay, now you're just
splitting hairs.

Ooh.

Uh--

Oh, that's not bad.

That is not bad. Here.

Take a sip.

No, it's a little
early for vodka.

Jesus, just take a sip.

It is your job
to know what we're selling.

Okay.

Uh... The peach is nice.
It's kind of

brunch-y.
Yeah.

Johnson, line two.

Hey.

No. What are you doing here?

You can't just show up
at my office like this.

I'm just checking in.
Plus, I brought you a lunch.

Oh, thank you.
I made it myself.

Thank you.

A cubicle?

Uh...
Man, I pictured you

for kind of
a corner-office kind of a guy.

After all, you came up
with Jumping Jack Crash.

Yeah. Yeah.
Man, that lightning bolt

is a piece of Americana.

Did the San Diego Chargers
ever try to sue?

No, they didn't,
and I will have an office soon

but not if I sit around

chatting with people
all day, so--

All right, all right,
I get it.

I get it,
I'll be out of your...

Hey, what's this?

Oh, that's my new client.

It's 40 percent alcohol.

You sure it's a smart idea
having this on your desk?

I work at an ad agency.

I'm confiscating this.

You're not strong enough to deal
with this kind of temptation.

It--

Hell, it's got tits and ass
and booze inside.

You--

You know, my mouth's watering

just looking at this thing

and I've got
five years clean.

Listen, it's work, okay?

I'm not drinking the stuff.

Okay.

I'm gonna need you
to blow in this.

I'm not blowing
in that thing.

Yeah, you are.

Come on.

Blow like it's Betty White's
95th birthday cake.

Son of bitch, Tom.
It's 11 a.m.

Oh, no, no, no. Uh--

My boss asked me
to sample some product.

I had a tiny sip.

It's not a--
You don't get it, man.

A sip is a slip.

That's all it takes.

If I had just one sip,
I'd be off and running.

Okay.

You know, I'm starting
to seriously question

this work environment here.
My work environment is fine.

No.

Wait. Wait.

Cutter? Cutter.
Where are you--?

Where are you going?

Cutter?

Cutter, where--?
Cutter, where are you going?

No, no, no, no, no.
No, no, no.

Please get down.

Listen up. I've got
an announcement to make.

Please, get down.
Down. Over there, now.

Now.
Please get down.

I'm sorry to interrupt.

My name's Tracy Cutter,
and I'm an alcoholic.

I'm also this brave
young man's sponsor.

I don't know who hired this guy,
but it's not funny, people.

It's no joke.

I'm blowing Tom's cover

because we're dealing with
some serious shit here,

and my man's
gonna need your help.

Dealing with alcoholism
isn't easy,

but with your love and support,
Tom can get through this.

That's why, by the power
vested in me

as Tom's
Sober Friends sponsor,

I'm giving you permission

to check his breath
every morning.

I'm leaving this here.

It's an S-D5
police-issue Breathalyzer.

Self-cleaning,
standard stuff.

Have Tom blow on this
for 10 seconds

while you hold down
this button.

Remember, the Breathalyzer

doesn't check
for benzos or opiates.

Ah--
So feel free to check

his coat pockets
and desk drawers.

But be careful
while poking around.

You might find
a dirty needle in there.

No.

Remember,
you're dealing with a man

who sold his family dog

to the Viet Cong for heroin.

- Oh, my God!
- That's right.

He might as well
put the damn thing

on the grill himself.
I just--

But hold your
head up high, Tom.

I think everybody
in this room

has battled with
some form of addiction,

be it caffeine,

food,

video games,
and/or masturbation.

Whatever it is,
communication is the key, right?

Awkward.

Maybe just cut back
on those desserts.

Anyways...

there's a saying
I recently heard:

"It takes a village..."

You all--

You all are that village

and Tom here is the village
drunk who needs your help.

We'll help you, bud.

You can count on us, Tom.

Why would you
do something like that?

They could fire me.

No, they can't.

That's discrimination.

We'd sue their asses.

For what?

Addicts are
a protected class, Tom.

You're not protected
like a transsexual,

but you're way ahead
of a black guy.

As an ex-cop, I should know.

Okay, but I don't
want it to get to that--

But Thomas Jefferson
doesn't wanna sign

the whole thing over again

until Hancock gets
to use the Cross pen.

I like it, kid.
Keep them coming.

- That was my thinking, actually.
- Mr. Cutter.

That was quite a show
you put on there.

I'm sorry
for the distraction, sir. I--

Don't apologize, Tom.
I have a brother in the program

and it's great you're trying
to get a grip on this thing.

I want you to know
that we're all here for you.

Thank you, sir.

But the second I think
you're on that shit,

we're gonna have problems.
Understood?

Boom.
Don't leave me hanging.

See, that's the kind

of tough love my man needs.

Here, put your digits
in there, chief.

If there's a problem,
I'll let you know.

Come on.

I'll try not to call
after midnight.

Unless it's life or death.

Thank you.

So the Declaration
of Independence.

- The founding fathers.
- Okay.

So, you gotta know
what your triggers are.

All right?

So Tony...

for you, having very expensive
bottles of art,

that's a trigger.

Yeah, that would definitely

be a trigger for me.

I love wine.

I used to start
every morning

with a box of Franzia.

Don't you dare
call that wine.

That's shit.

I'm in high school,
douchebag.

Okay, all right.
The point is

you gotta
identify your triggers

and then keep your fingers
far away from them, right?

What are your triggers,
Loudermilk?

Uh, I would say...

middle-aged men who tuck
their shirts into mom jeans.

I'd like a serious
answer from you.

We're gonna focus
on the group here right now.

You're a part of the group.

Yeah, how do you expect us

to open up
if you can't, Loudermilk?

You're Mr. Perfect,

but you wanna hear
our dirty laundry.

No, I'm not--
I'm not Mr. Perfect.

He was being facetious.

Come on, Loudermilk.
It's your turn.

Open the fuck up.

All right.

Fine. Okay.

Uh...

My ex-wife.

I would say that when I--

When I think
about my ex-wife, and...

what went wrong there,
I, uh...

Makes me wanna--
Makes me wanna drink.

What did go wrong?

Hey, fuck that.

You want him
to relapse here?

He said thinking
about his wife

makes him wanna drink.

No, no, Mugsy's right.

Airing it all out
can only make things better.

That's right.

She doesn't pay rent
in his head.

You gotta get it out.

What was she like?

Yeah, is she hot?
I bet she's hot.

Not cool, man.

She's dead.

Oh.

What?
What are you talking about?

She's not dead.

I never said she was dead.
What--?

You said you hit into a tree,
and she died.

No, I didn't.

I said that I was fine,
and she wasn't.

Which she wasn't.
She was really messed up.

But so...

sh-she didn't die?

No. She came close.

Lost a leg.

She pulled through.

Lives in Nashville now.

Okay? So there.
I opened up.

All right?
Can we change the topic now?

No, you're all up
in my ass

about not sharing stuff
about my father,

so now it's time
for you to open up.

What the hell? I--
Come on!

I don't know
what you want me to say.

My wife didn't die
that night, okay?

Our marriage did.

I guess you gotta learn
not to dwell on it.

Yeah. Well,
I'm trying.

Okay? And I think I do
pretty good too, sometimes.

You know,
until I hear that fucking song.

Which one?

"Rainbow Connection."

Wait.
By Kermit the Frog?
Yeah.

My wife loved
that song, and I--

I used to put it on every single
mix-tape I ever made for her.

So of course, what that meant
was when I came to in the car,

uh, Kermit was just starting in
on the banjo intro, you know?

And, uh...
I remembered where I was.

I looked over...

...saw the blood...

...and thought:

"Oh, son of a bitch,
I just killed

the only woman
I'm ever gonna love."

And then the frog
started singing the verse,

and it just--
It repeats over and over.

Okay. So now you know,
all right?

My big trigger's the song
from the fucking Muppet Movie.

Would someone else like
to share something, please?

Cu-Cutter's first name
is "Tracy."

Don't drink.

Don't drink.

Hey.

Hey.

Yeah?
You got a light?

I don't smoke.

Once a pussy,
always a pussy.

Dad?

♪ So maybe later, man

♪ There's an elegant land

♪ In the darkness

♪ Ooh, and maybe
In the mind ♪

♪ It's a hell of a time

♪ In the darkness

♪ And maybe in space

♪ There's an alien race

♪ I wouldn't be surprised

♪ So without further ado...