Original subtitles

I need you to go to a meeting for me.

A client meeting?

Kind of. Not really.

I got a DUI last month.

I need you to go to this Sober

Friends meeting and pretend to be me.

Do you mind if I sit in?

Who wants to sponsor Tom?

Fuck it. I'll do it.

You sure, Cutter? You think you're ready

after what happened to Ollie?

Looking forward to diving in, seeing--

You feel that?

That's the grip this thing's got on you, man.

See you, Tom.

Why'd you take my records

and my record player?

She went into Rhino Vinyl.

This is what she walked out with.

So she has shitty taste in music.

So what? It's not her fault. Most beautiful women do.

I'm getting a different sponsor.

I do appreciate everything you've done for me.

Do you realize, as I'm standing here,

the Earth is spinning on its axis

a thousand miles an hour?

Like, if I was God spinning a basketball.

A thousand miles an hour.

And at the same time it's doing that,

the Earth is going in orbit around the sun

at guess what rate of speed?

Sixty-six thousand miles an hour.

66,000 miles an hour, a thousand miles an hour.

And on top of that, the whole solar system's

going through the Milky Way galaxy

at guess what rate of speed?

Four hundred thousand miles an hour.

400,000 miles an hour, 66,000 miles an hour,

and a thousand miles an hour.

To top it all off, as that's happening,

the whole Milky Way galaxy is tearing through the universe

at guess what rate of speed? 2.2 million miles an hour.

And that, officer, is why I failed to walk a straight line

as you requested a few moments ago.

Hey, what--? Aw.

What the hell are you doing?

I'm asking myself the same thing.

I don't know what's more disturbing,

that you got a beer in your hand

or you're stroking your cucumber

to some soft-core make out porn.

And not even having a hard-on.

I had a hard-on.

What happened to good old gold-chip Donny?

Looks like he's doing a top-notch job.

Come on. Let's get him on the blower ASAP,

tell him you had a slip.

No. It's late.

I'll call him tomorrow.

We might not have a tomorrow

if we don't get this under control now.

Oh, darn. He's not picking up.

Yeah? Well, that's top-notch sponsoring.

If I ever meet this Donny guy, I'm gonna choke him out.

You've reached Donny. Leave a message.

I got his voicemail, so I'm gonna--

Hey, shithead.

While you're out doing God knows what,

your sponsee's sucking back beers

like Bukowski at the Golden Goose happy hour.

I had one beer. You're a goddamn gold chip.

Get on the ball, man. You know how this goes.

You're better than this!

What are you doing?

I'm waiting for him to call back.

I'm giving him 10 minutes.

After that, he's officially fired,

and I'm back on the clock.

Ticktock.

I can't live like this. Heh.

I gotta lay the truth out.

They say it'll set you free.

I hope so.

Cutter, I'm not an alcoholic.

God.

That's funny.

You know how those homosexuals

have a thing they call "gaydar"?

Us drunks have something too. We call it "drunkdar."

It's not as clever as gaydar, but it works.

Alky. Boop. Boop. Boop. Boop. Boop. Boop.

Stop scanning me. I know an alky when I see one.

I can sense it.

It's like elephants who took to higher ground

before the tsunami.

No, no. I went to that meeting

for my boss.

If your boss thinks you have a problem,

he's probably right.

No, no, you don't understand.

My boss got the DUI, and he--

Save it!

I've been in this business

long enough to know the next word

that comes out of your mouth is gonna be a lie.

Fine. Okay.

You calling dependable Donny again?

No. I'm calling the police.

I tried to explain it to you,

but you won't listen to me.

I tried to ask you to leave nicely,

and you refused, so...

Emergency.

- Hi there. - Problem?

Yes. I need your help.

A man, uh, climbed onto my balcony,

he entered my apartment and--

There's no need to send anyone.

It's my ex-sponsee, and that's his disease talking.

You think that's gonna keep them from sending someone?

Let 'em come. What do I care? Jesus.

If it takes me getting arrested

to prove myself to you, so be it.

Let me know when they get here.

Oh, I will.

Hey, you journal too?

It's a great way of freeing negative emotions.

It's not a journal. It's for work.

I didn't know you were in advertising.

Yep.

"Jumping Jack Crash"?

You worked on this?

Yes.

Actually, I created the entire campaign.

You came up with Jumping Jack Crash?

Goddamn.

I fucking love that little rabbit.

Zzt! With that little lightning bolt on his head.

That cracks me up every time.

Zzt! Man, I'm impressed.

Who knew you were funny? You don't seem funny to me.

Thanks.

You should probably go. The police are on their way.

Now, that's good shit.

Woo!

Pigs are here, Tommy. I'll handle it. Don't worry.

Sir.

We got a call about an intruder.

Put your hands where we can see 'em.

One move, and I'll snap his neck.

- On the ground, sir. - Don't make me tase you.

You couldn't tase your own dick, Diaz.

Stand down, Tennely.

How y'all doing?

- Good, man. - Long time, Cutter.

Good to see you, man.

Just don't worry about this guy,

- He's a bit-- - Just helping him out.

Everything's good?

Everything's good.

All right.

Wait, where are you going?

Sorry you had to come out here for nothing.

For nothing? No, no, no.

This is not for nothing.

This is for something.

Be safe.

Wait, wait, wait!

I wanna file a complaint.

That was Diaz and Tennely.

We go way back.

Good guys.

You--? You know them? Know 'em?

I trained those two dipshits.

I used to be a cop. Didn't I tell you?

No.

Yep. 10 minutes.

That makes it official.

Donny's done.

You're mine again.

We're gonna start working them steps.

Come on. No.

I've got a latte for Jim over here.

You want me to talk to him for you?

Hm?

Tell him to untuck his shirt

because he looks like a fucking idiot?

No.

♪ Taking the edge off of me

All right.

♪ Is a necessity when

♪ I'm singing these words That I no longer mean ♪

Yeah, okay.

Excuse me. Sir?

♪ I am not a poet I'm a broken heart ♪

Don't go anywhere.

Yeah?

It's Tony.

Hey, Tony.

I got a DUI last night.

What are you calling me for?

'Cause I'm in county lockup.

Why didn't you call your sponsor?

They took my phone

and I couldn't remember anybody's numbers.

You remember mine? Yeah.

Your numbers spell out "shitbag."

Really?

No, I just know your number.

Please, will you come get me?

All right. Where am I going?

I told you, County.

Fine. See you there.

Please.

Oh, shit.

No. I told you to wait.

You dodged a bullet, mom jeans.

So Tony, what did you learn from your DUI?

Did you at least get some understanding

of why you drank last night?

I know exactly why.

My wife opened up my bottle

of Giuseppe Quintarelli

"Alzero" Cabernet Veneto.

Whoa, why do you have a bottle of wine?

I bought it for an investment. It's like art.

And all of a sudden, Karen decides

to open up to cook with it.

I'm telling you, I was upstairs,

and I could smell the hint of vanilla

mixed with clove.

Mm. Little bit of cherry in there as well.

That sounds amazing.

You bet your ass it's amazing.

They age it in Slovakian oak barrels,

for fuck's sake.

Anyone ever see that film Sideways?

What a fucking great film that is.

It was like you were actually drinking it yourself.

Oh, man. I felt that way

when Chevy Chase drank the eggnog

in Christmas Vacation.

Oh, the one that got me was United 93.

I couldn't take my eyes off those little Jameson bottles.

I had to walk out of the theater.

Okay. It's enough romanticizing, all right?

It's just fucking booze.

That's the thing that brought us all here.

So your wife opens the bottle. Why you gotta drink it?

She poured half a cup into her spaghetti sauce

and then stuffed the cork back in.

What the fuck was I supposed to do?

That's a $400 bottle of wine.

Yeah, don't put this on your wife. All right?

You're responsible for keeping your side of the street clean.

But she lives on my side of the street,

and she's messing it up.

No, cut the shit.

You're in charge of you. Not her.

That still doesn't explain why you got into your car.

I was heading downtown to my wine locker

to grab a bottle of Screaming Eagle.

Why?

Because it's the only wine

that can follow up a Giuseppe Veneto.

Okay, you--

You gotta get rid of that locker.

All right? You gotta sell it all.

Every single bottle.

You want me to liquidate my assets?

Yeah. I want you to liquidate the liquids.

Invest in yourself, you dumb fuck.

Or Alcoa, or mutual funds.

Hey, what are you doing?

It's not 1975. You can't smoke in here.

My bad.

I've been meaning to ask you

how things were going with your sponsee.

He's had a couple missteps. Oh, yeah?

But I've been right there to catch him.

Good.

Feels good to be of service.

Yeah.

You know, I was this close

to picking up again before Tom showed up.

Shit, really?

Yeah, Tom's cry for help

really struck a chord in me.

I'm not talking no pussy minor chord.

I'm talking E major.

Like Pete Townshend hits

at the beginning of "Teenage Wasteland."

"Baba O'Riley." That's an F-major chord.

Who gives a fuck what chord it is?

Right.

Yeah, sorry. Sorry.

Look, I'm pouring my guts out here.

Mm-hm. Yeah.

It's a great chord.

You know, when Ollie finally went south...

it was a rough road, man.

I remember.

But working with that newbie...

is finally taking me out of that dark place.

It's kind of like my--

My pineal gland has decalcified, you know?

Sure.

Thank you. Thank you for that, man.

Sure. You got it. Anytime.

Man, you hard on us, Loudermilk.

Well, some of you need it.

But you're doing good. You're on fire, man.

It's okay, man. But you--

As hard as you are on us,

you're always harder on yourself.

You're actually on fire.

You need me for anything else?

No. No. Go. Go. Go. You're on fire. Go.

Okay, yeah, this ciggy is burning a hole in my pocket.

All right. All right. Good stuff, Cutter.

You home?

Hey.

Yes?

Uh, I just wanted to make sure

that Ben got you your records back.

They're all accounted for.

Good, good, good.

Um, are you gonna be listening to shitty music tonight?

Because I was hoping to get to bed early.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

You know, your musical taste isn't so impeccable, either.

Well, I never said it was impeccable.

Spin Doctors, Pocket Full Of Kryptonite. Five stars.

Remember, when I wrote that review,

the videos had not come out yet.

You said they were the next Grateful Dead.

Well, it's a rock-solid album,

and I stand by the review.

I didn't tell the guy

to wear the freaking hat.

He looked like a Peruvian sheep herder.

Odelay by Beck. One and a half stars. Really?

That was personal.

Yet you gushed over Limp Bizkit. All right.

I was drinking and drugging pretty heavy

when Chocolate Starfish

and the Hot Dog Flavored Water came out.

I gotta admit...

that shit sounds pretty good on blow.

Mixed with tequila and wine.

On an empty stomach.

Okay, fine. You got me. You got me.

I just-- I didn't come here to argue music with you.

I just--

You know, I just wanted to make things, uh...

You mean, like, apologize?

Whatever you wanna call it. I don't know.

Um, I didn't mean to go off on you the other day.

That's-that's all.

Okay.

I will accept your apology,

but you need to learn not to get so worked up

over something as trivial as music.

Okay, fuck it.

Hey.

Now I was kidding.

Oh.

Oh, okay.

Oh. Uh...

So, you and I are good?

Yeah.

Hey. Hey. Hey.

Closed. No, no. It's me. It's me, Tom.

Tom. Tom from group.

What are you doin' here? I need to talk to you.

Well, that's what group's for.

No, I need to talk to you

without Cutter around.

Look, you can't just show up

a-at somebody's workplace.

Yeah. Tell that to Cutter.

Please.

All right. Thank you.

Okay. Be honest with me.

Am I in danger?

What are you talking about?

Just level with me. Is Cutter insane?

Is he bipolar? Does he have PTSD?

What happened to Ollie?

Okay. All right. Calm down.

Are you high?

No. I'm-- I'm not high. Okay. All right. Go sit down.

Okay. Um...

Are you 100 percent sure Cutter did not kill Ollie?

Yes. I am.

Cutter did not kill Ollie.

Okay, because he's weird.

You should see him when he sleeps.

He stabs at the air, and he shrieks

like a fisher cat. When did you see Cutter asleep?

He sleeps on the floor next to my bed.

Why?

I don't know why.

All right. Look.

I can tell you that Cutter's 99 percent harmless, okay?

But the thing is that he does give a shit.

He really, really, really wants you to be sober.

Okay, but I didn't sign up for this.

No. You were court-ordered.

Why can't you be my sponsor?

No. You got a sponsor. I think this is good for Cutter.

Good for Cutter? I thought this was supposed to be about me.

See, that's your problem, Tom.

Right there. It's not all about you.

Okay? As soon as you get your head around that

you're gonna start to get a handle on your disease.

I-- Listen I get what you're saying--

Pork-snout. Aah-aah-aah.

Come on, we gotta go. How'd he know you're here?

He drove me here. Louder looks busy.

What? His time's up, okay?

I-I told him I was--

I had to give you my cousin's band's CD

that they actually do want you to listen to it,

and it-- It's good.

Everything all right?

Everything's cool.

Everything's so copacetic.

Motherfucker.

He's a fucking cop? Jesus Christ, man.

Yeah, he used to be.

He probably failed his psych evaluation.

We need to make sure he doesn't find out about us

or we could be big-time screwed, okay?

We could get jail time for this.

How am I gonna get you promoted from jail?

No. "Jail"? W-w-what do you mean, "jail"?

Duh!

It's a felony.

You filling in for my third DUI?

Third DUI? You didn't tell me it was your third.

Come on. You think they can send me

to 30 meetings for one DUI?

Get your head on straight.

I can't believe how much you fucked this up.

You know, you need to start

taking some responsibility for your actions, Kevin.

Maybe you shouldn't get all these DUIs.

Enough with the mumbo jumbo.

You've been to too many meetings.

No shit. Calm down.

Okay. The good news is look what came in today.

This is your new client.

Voluptuous.

Okay?

You want to get to know her. You want to get to love her.

Because you, baby,

are taking the reins on this one.

Wait, really? I have the reins?

That's right. It's all you.

This is your Jumping Jack Crash.

Jumping Jack Crash is my Jumping Jack Crash.

Yeah, well, right.

Now they won't fuck you out of the recognition.

"They?" That was you.

Okay, now you're just splitting hairs.

Ooh.

Uh--

Oh, that's not bad.

That is not bad. Here.

Take a sip.

No, it's a little early for vodka.

Jesus, just take a sip.

It is your job to know what we're selling.

Okay.

Uh... The peach is nice. It's kind of

brunch-y. Yeah.

Johnson, line two.

Hey.

No. What are you doing here?

You can't just show up at my office like this.

I'm just checking in. Plus, I brought you a lunch.

Oh, thank you. I made it myself.

Thank you.

A cubicle?

Uh... Man, I pictured you

for kind of a corner-office kind of a guy.

After all, you came up with Jumping Jack Crash.

Yeah. Yeah. Man, that lightning bolt

is a piece of Americana.

Did the San Diego Chargers ever try to sue?

No, they didn't, and I will have an office soon

but not if I sit around

chatting with people all day, so--

All right, all right, I get it.

I get it, I'll be out of your...

Hey, what's this?

Oh, that's my new client.

It's 40 percent alcohol.

You sure it's a smart idea having this on your desk?

I work at an ad agency.

I'm confiscating this.

You're not strong enough to deal with this kind of temptation.

It--

Hell, it's got tits and ass and booze inside.

You--

You know, my mouth's watering

just looking at this thing

and I've got five years clean.

Listen, it's work, okay?

I'm not drinking the stuff.

Okay.

I'm gonna need you to blow in this.

I'm not blowing in that thing.

Yeah, you are.

Come on.

Blow like it's Betty White's 95th birthday cake.

Son of bitch, Tom. It's 11 a.m.

Oh, no, no, no. Uh--

My boss asked me to sample some product.

I had a tiny sip.

It's not a-- You don't get it, man.

A sip is a slip.

That's all it takes.

If I had just one sip, I'd be off and running.

Okay.

You know, I'm starting to seriously question

this work environment here. My work environment is fine.

No.

Wait. Wait.

Cutter? Cutter. Where are you--?

Where are you going?

Cutter?

Cutter, where--? Cutter, where are you going?

No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no.

Please get down.

Listen up. I've got an announcement to make.

Please, get down. Down. Over there, now.

Now. Please get down.

I'm sorry to interrupt.

My name's Tracy Cutter, and I'm an alcoholic.

I'm also this brave young man's sponsor.

I don't know who hired this guy, but it's not funny, people.

It's no joke.

I'm blowing Tom's cover

because we're dealing with some serious shit here,

and my man's gonna need your help.

Dealing with alcoholism isn't easy,

but with your love and support, Tom can get through this.

That's why, by the power vested in me

as Tom's Sober Friends sponsor,

I'm giving you permission

to check his breath every morning.

I'm leaving this here.

It's an S-D5 police-issue Breathalyzer.

Self-cleaning, standard stuff.

Have Tom blow on this for 10 seconds

while you hold down this button.

Remember, the Breathalyzer

doesn't check for benzos or opiates.

Ah-- So feel free to check

his coat pockets and desk drawers.

But be careful while poking around.

You might find a dirty needle in there.

No.

Remember, you're dealing with a man

who sold his family dog

to the Viet Cong for heroin.

- Oh, my God! - That's right.

He might as well put the damn thing

on the grill himself. I just--

But hold your head up high, Tom.

I think everybody in this room

has battled with some form of addiction,

be it caffeine,

food,

video games, and/or masturbation.

Whatever it is, communication is the key, right?

Awkward.

Maybe just cut back on those desserts.

Anyways...

there's a saying I recently heard:

"It takes a village..."

You all--

You all are that village

and Tom here is the village drunk who needs your help.

We'll help you, bud.

You can count on us, Tom.

Why would you do something like that?

They could fire me.

No, they can't.

That's discrimination.

We'd sue their asses.

For what?

Addicts are a protected class, Tom.

You're not protected like a transsexual,

but you're way ahead of a black guy.

As an ex-cop, I should know.

Okay, but I don't want it to get to that--

But Thomas Jefferson doesn't wanna sign

the whole thing over again

until Hancock gets to use the Cross pen.

I like it, kid. Keep them coming.

- That was my thinking, actually. - Mr. Cutter.

That was quite a show you put on there.

I'm sorry for the distraction, sir. I--

Don't apologize, Tom. I have a brother in the program

and it's great you're trying to get a grip on this thing.

I want you to know that we're all here for you.

Thank you, sir.

But the second I think you're on that shit,

we're gonna have problems. Understood?

Boom. Don't leave me hanging.

See, that's the kind

of tough love my man needs.

Here, put your digits in there, chief.

If there's a problem, I'll let you know.

Come on.

I'll try not to call after midnight.

Unless it's life or death.

Thank you.

So the Declaration of Independence.

- The founding fathers. - Okay.

So, you gotta know what your triggers are.

All right?

So Tony...

for you, having very expensive bottles of art,

that's a trigger.

Yeah, that would definitely

be a trigger for me.

I love wine.

I used to start every morning

with a box of Franzia.

Don't you dare call that wine.

That's shit.

I'm in high school, douchebag.

Okay, all right. The point is

you gotta identify your triggers

and then keep your fingers far away from them, right?

What are your triggers, Loudermilk?

Uh, I would say...

middle-aged men who tuck their shirts into mom jeans.

I'd like a serious answer from you.

We're gonna focus on the group here right now.

You're a part of the group.

Yeah, how do you expect us

to open up if you can't, Loudermilk?

You're Mr. Perfect,

but you wanna hear our dirty laundry.

No, I'm not-- I'm not Mr. Perfect.

He was being facetious.

Come on, Loudermilk. It's your turn.

Open the fuck up.

All right.

Fine. Okay.

Uh...

My ex-wife.

I would say that when I--

When I think about my ex-wife, and...

what went wrong there, I, uh...

Makes me wanna-- Makes me wanna drink.

What did go wrong?

Hey, fuck that.

You want him to relapse here?

He said thinking about his wife

makes him wanna drink.

No, no, Mugsy's right.

Airing it all out can only make things better.

That's right.

She doesn't pay rent in his head.

You gotta get it out.

What was she like?

Yeah, is she hot? I bet she's hot.

Not cool, man.

She's dead.

Oh.

What? What are you talking about?

She's not dead.

I never said she was dead. What--?

You said you hit into a tree, and she died.

No, I didn't.

I said that I was fine, and she wasn't.

Which she wasn't. She was really messed up.

But so...

sh-she didn't die?

No. She came close.

Lost a leg.

She pulled through.

Lives in Nashville now.

Okay? So there. I opened up.

All right? Can we change the topic now?

No, you're all up in my ass

about not sharing stuff about my father,

so now it's time for you to open up.

What the hell? I-- Come on!

I don't know what you want me to say.

My wife didn't die that night, okay?

Our marriage did.

I guess you gotta learn not to dwell on it.

Yeah. Well, I'm trying.

Okay? And I think I do pretty good too, sometimes.

You know, until I hear that fucking song.

Which one?

"Rainbow Connection."

Wait. By Kermit the Frog? Yeah.

My wife loved that song, and I--

I used to put it on every single mix-tape I ever made for her.

So of course, what that meant was when I came to in the car,

uh, Kermit was just starting in on the banjo intro, you know?

And, uh... I remembered where I was.

I looked over...

...saw the blood...

...and thought:

"Oh, son of a bitch, I just killed

the only woman I'm ever gonna love."

And then the frog started singing the verse,

and it just-- It repeats over and over.

Okay. So now you know, all right?

My big trigger's the song from the fucking Muppet Movie.

Would someone else like to share something, please?

Cu-Cutter's first name is "Tracy."

Don't drink.

Don't drink.

Hey.

Hey.

Yeah? You got a light?

I don't smoke.

Once a pussy, always a pussy.

Dad?

♪ So maybe later, man

♪ There's an elegant land

♪ In the darkness

♪ Ooh, and maybe In the mind ♪

♪ It's a hell of a time

♪ In the darkness

♪ And maybe in space

♪ There's an alien race

♪ I wouldn't be surprised

♪ So without further ado...