Original subtitles

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

By the power of Hephzibah,

I compel you to oblivion!

Oh, a girl.

You'll need a needle for that one, Christina.

That's cystic. - You're cystic.

How do you know what I need?

Because I'm your mother, and mothers know best.

Oh, you're right, Mother. You do know best.

I'm so glad you moved us to a new town

in the middle of a school year

so I get to restart seventh grade

with a whole new group of kids.

Look, I know it's not ideal,

but--but don't blame me for the economy, okay?

I got to go where the work is. - Mom!

Use the crosswalk, you little gremlin!

Whew, you're lucky your mom's got the reflexes

of a goddamn cheetah.

I'm walking the rest of the way.

I can't stand another minute with you.

Are you sure you're okay?

Yeah, I'm fine. What's going on?

You feeling fussy? What?

Your little rosebuds tender?

Tell me. - Stop it!

Ew, Mom! - Let me feel.

- Get off of me! - Let me feel them!

Hey, does this hurt? - Goodbye!

And don't forget new school rules!

Assume everyone is a murderer until proven otherwise!

Christina?

STUDENT 1: All of my favorite actors got cancelled.

STUDENT 2: And I was like, "Yes, Mom,

I do love my followers more than you."

STUDENT 3: Is that a new girl?

Ooh.

Hey, guy.

Mind if I share this locker with you?

Hey, heads up!

Bye, you motherfucker!

Gotcha, little one.

Um, hi. - Hi.

I believe this 30-legged friendly centipede is yours.

Oh! Oh, yeah, thanks. Yeah.

You're new here, right? Uh-huh.

I'm Bennigan, resident self-appointed school greeter.

Oh, hi.

I'm Chrissy. - Hi.

Did you know the technical name of the house centipede

is Scutigera... Coleoptrata.

Yeah. Oh, you knew!

I totally knew.

Nerds!

So there's, like, this party tonight

at the abandoned Taco Chateau on Concord Pike.

You should go. And I'll go.

And then, that way, we're kind of going together.

Uh--

- Huh? - Uh, okay.

I have to bathroom now.

- Oh. - Oh, my God.

Please forget I just said that.

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

Don't worry, I flushed it from my memory, so...

Probably shouldn't have eaten that block of cheese

last night.

What the hell?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Not today.

STUDENT 1: Come on, get in here.

May I suggest the boys' room?

Men have taken so much from women already.

STUDENT 1: Girls don't poo-poo, dumbass.

God, I hate nerds.

Bennigan. STUDENT 2: Me too.

My mom left my awesome dad for a nerd.

Now instead of football games, we visit historical bridges.

Bridges? Gross!

STUDENT 2: Now let's get you on my livestream

so everyone can watch you bleed.

Ah, this feels like a big escalation from swirlies, man.

But we graduate this year, and so should our violence.

STUDENT 2: Hey, shh.

You hear that drippy drip?

That ain't no leaky faucet.

- Ah! - Oh, it's a freaky new girl.

STUDENT 1: Guess I was wrong

about them not poo-pooing.

Nah, dude. That's no dookie.

Freaky new girl's blossomed into freaky new woman.

Please don't.

Say hi to the world, Bloody Mary.

STUDENT 1: You hear what I said?

STUDENT 2: You called her Bloody Mary

'cause she's got her period stain.

Aah, his legs!

Whoa.

I'm not a proponent of violence,

but that was irrefutably cathartic.

- So-- - So...

So about that party, is that invite still--

- Yes! - Oh!

- Yes. - Sweet.

- Great. - That's great.

See you at there then. - Cool.

Exit the building in an orderly fashion!

I said orderly!

Mom?

Get in now. Come on.

Here, here.

Salt your hair and burn this photo of yourself.

What? Why? What's happening?

Look, I'm sorry for putting this off.

Your dad is the Devil,

and you're his mortal conduit to Earth,

known to Bible-y types as the Antichrist.

What the fuck?

You got your period and made that hole in the sky,

and now your dad knows where to find you, so we got to go.

But you said my dad was dead.

I said not alive. Fasten your seatbelt, honey.

And if you have any questions about feminine hygiene,

there's a pamphlet in the glovebox right under the gun.

Gun?

That's one brave parakeet.

- Hope he stays off Twitter.

In other news, the sky over a local junior high

has torn open,

leaving a cosmic black void over Middletown.

REPORTER 1: Authorities have no details

about the black hole's origin or purpose.

REPORTER 2: But whatever it wants,

you can bet it won't

be keeping us from Shayla Rosenblatt's

birthday after-party

at the abandoned Taco Chateau on Concord Pike.

Access Hollywood is next.

Put him on.

The Pope.

You goofy rascal.

You answer your own phone?

The black hole has arrived.

The time has come for me to thwart Satan's fiendish plan

by killing his spawn, the Antichrist.

My forces assemble in Middletown as we speak, and--

someone's beeping in?

Oh, no. Please grab it.

I'll call you when the child is dead.

Take it all!

I liked things the way they were.

I'm supposed to accept that you had sex with Satan,

or anyone?

Ha, tight burn!

Fact, Chrissy, all women were girls.

All girls make choices, and half of those are bad.

So--so moving 14 times in eight years wasn't for work?

No, it was so your dad couldn't track us,

except when we left Vermont.

I cannot deal with those fucking hippies.

Look, I was trying to give you

some glimmer of a normal childhood.

Okay? - Normal?

Nothing's normal about my life! Are you mental?

I have no friends, and I just exploded two bullies!

Bullies? Did they hurt you, Christina?

Because if they did, I swear to God--

They're dead!

Okay, they're dead, yes,

but in this family, we don't dwell on the past.

We look to the future, and in our future,

there's an Inuit fishing village in Alaska

that's so remote, it'll make that ghost town in Wyoming

look like Shanghai. - No, no, not this time.

No, I made my first friend, and he's a boy,

and he invited me to my first party.

And your vagina just became

a homing device for the Prince of Darkness.

My dad's not the one who's been gaslighting me

my entire life.

Maybe I want him to find me.

Oh, you better choose your next words carefully.

Come and get me, Satan!

Oh, that is what I didn't want you to say!

We're packing, then leaving. - Get off of me.

Oh, hey, Laur, I left your sugar in the mailbox.

Oh, God, what do you make of this thing, huh?

Biblical or the media?

You never know these days, Darlene.

Yeah, you never do know, do you?

You don't know anything... Let go of me!

Until you know it. - Get off of me!

And then you don't-- - Come on!

Ah! Come on.

No! - Come on.

God! Everything you ever told me is a lie.

I lied to protect you, and I don't regret it for a second.

The only thing I need protection from is you.

Oh, you wouldn't last a day in the real world without me.

You're a bitch!

And you're an ungrateful asshole.

Touché.

Now change your pants, sweetheart.

You banged the Devil

'cause he's the only one who would actually go there.

Damn, that's what I should have said to her.

We can take you away from here.

First, you must agree to see your father.

Oh, my dad sent you?

If I agree to do that, can I get a ride

to the abandoned Taco Chateau on Concord Pike?

That would not be an issue.

Actually, we are not authorized

to make that promise,

but nothing is off the table.

Your father is well able to provide.

Okay. I agree to see my father.

Whoa! I will not learn

their names, but you can bring one--

Finished?

Almost. Last one's silver.

No!

Damn it!

Ugh.

Aah--

no!

You're not smashing me until you look at me.

Look at me!

Piece of shit.

You poser, Wiccan slut.

Now raise your hand if you fucked the Devil.

Now keep your hand up if you knew this day was coming.

Now let's go smash some shit that makes a difference.

Good luck. Shut up, Irwin.

It appears the black hole has stopped sucking.

Some fact-thumping scientist said

that this hole will suck forever.

What a fucking joke.

Now let's rock it out tonight

at Shayla Rosenblatt's birthday after-party!

Real estate inspector. How about yourself?

I purge the world of demonic forces

for the supreme pontiff of the universal church.

Business trip? Pleasure?

They say do what you love.

And I love nothing more than cutting out the heart

of an adolescent girl for monetary gain.

Swap girl with drywall and heart with mold damage,

and we basically have the same job.

I think her mother killed him.

He was the best of us, but we must move on.

It's what would have wanted.

And she says, "I lied to protect you."

- She sounds like a bitch. - That's what I said.

Huh?

It's been prophesized

since time began. Whoo!

And now, they are finally united,

the dastardly duo

who will alter the universe for the rest of time.

Come to your father, Damien.

Not getting a Damien vibe.

Huh, you're a girl.

The future is female!

I support and believe you.

Wait, hold on, you'll like this man suit better.

Congrats on shedding first blood!

Ew! Can everyone please stop talking about my period?

Oh, God. No, gross.

Did your mom tell you that?

I'm talking about the teens you murdered.

- I didn't mean to. - Don't let other people's

moral laws make you think what you did was wrong.

Together, you and I can create a future without rules,

where you can call your own shots,

live the life you want to live.

Thoughts? - Yeah, I've got thoughts.

Where have you been my whole life?

And what do I have that you suddenly want?

Baby, I'm not a deadbeat dad. You were stolen.

And I couldn't find you until you came into your powers.

There are these fucking cosmic laws I can't break.

That's why I'm not in hell.

- Wait, this isn't hell? - Shit, no.

This is the metaphysical realm.

Hmm, fancy.

Hipsters call it the Fringe,

which makes me want to punch a hole in my face.

It's like the central hub for all unearthly realms.

Think port authority,

but with much, much, much more urine

and fewer bomb threats.

So if I call the shots,

does that mean I don't have to listen to anyone?

Look at that guy.

He's got a bird head, and he craps bubbles.

I thought that was pretty cool.

What's your name, by the way?

Christina.

Course she named you that.

And I'm like, "Oh, okay, Rhonda,

"so you're saying a black hole's the reason

your husband's been cheating on you for three years?"

Oh, hey, did you get in touch

with that guy I told you about, Eric?

He's sweet and rich and a geropsychologist.

Yeah, I'd rather fist a dog

than be in a relationship, Darlene.

Lambskin? What are you, a druid?

You're so retro.

Oh, but that should come in handy tonight

for Shayla Rosenblatt's birthday after-party.

I'm bringing frosé.

Whoo, you're jacked!

Seriously, you got the body of a convict.

Oh, and you use it for storage.

I'm going into the metaphysical realm

to kill the Devil and get my daughter,

and I need you to watch my body while I'm gone.

If this works... Oh, wow.

I'm gonna look like I'm dead, okay?

But technically, I won't be.

If it doesn't work, I will just look and be dead.

Jesus. Do you know what you're doing?

Okay, but when are you coming back?

Okay. All right. I'll just wait here.

- Ah--

Holy shit, that was painful.

Hey, everybody. This is my daughter.

Kiss her ass, or I'll slaughter your children.

- Proud of you! - Hey, let's have a drink.

I know, now you're thinking,

is he a dad or just a cool friend?

I was thinking that you're trying too hard.

Is that track lighting?

We're still-- it's a work in progress.

Snake with Arms, a round of something spicy.

Speaking of spicy, how's your mom?

Is she still an alcoholic? - Huh?

- She fucked a lamp once. - I'm not interested--

wait, what? - Look, she doesn't get you.

I do. You're a teen.

You shouldn't be living on the lam.

You should be planting roots, doing normal teen things.

Really? Cool, because the beast guys

you sent said you'd be down

to give me a ride to the abandoned--

The abandoned Taco Chateau? Blam-o!

Wow, you're actually kind of okay.

A toast before you head out.

To my frickin' amazing daughter.

Oh, well, thanks, Dad.

To your future,

and to consenting to join as sire and seed,

reclaiming the infernal sovereign--

- Ah, there it is. - What?

Your lame attempt to trap me in your binding agreement.

Oh, no, no. It's not lame at all.

It's called Maximus Dawnus.

And when we carry it out together,

it'll let us fold all the realms

into one big, way more powerful, lawless universe.

It'll be like an anarchistic socialist utopia.

That sounds cool, right? - Uh-huh.

Mom?

Remember me, motherfucker?

- How could I forget? - Mom, how did you--

You bulked up-- in a good way, in a good way.

13 years preparing for the day

this rotting chode would make his play and bridge our worlds.

You're welcome for giving you a higher calling

than robotripping in tequila-soaked tampons.

Coming from a guy who pretended

to be someone else for six goddamn months.

You gaslit the wrong bitch.

Brain shot.

Get it, girl.

Head smash. - Oh, my God.

Who are you?

- Fuck you.

What do you think you're gonna do, kill me?

I'm not Dracula. I'm the goddamn Devil.

You got about as much chance of laying a finger on me as--

- Ow! What was that?

Oil of Abramelin

blessed by an uncircumcised Kabbalist rabbi.

- What? - Mom!

And if he thought that hurt,

he's gonna love this

goat's horn shoved up his dick!

Help! Kill her!

Oh, what a fucking woman.

Weren't you about to shove something up my dick?

No one tells Mama what to do.

Ugh.

You're a washed-up, desperate con artist

begging for a little girl to sign his stupid pact

to make him feel big again.

No, no, no, no, no. No dick hole.

You want to talk about desperation?

Don't let the job of mother go to your head.

You left your whole life behind to raise my spawn.

- Dad, stop! - You're nothing special.

You're just a vessel. Hello?

Does anyone even hear me?

You think I felt special?

Your magic jizz ruined my life. You're lucky I didn't kill it.

You're lucky it didn't kill itself,

being shackled to you

for 13 years. Fuck this.

Well, once she gets to know you,

I'm sure she'll jump at the chance

to slit your wrists.

I don't bleed, bitch.

Gross-ass parents. They don't care about me.

Well, I don't care about them.

Actually, I don't care about anything.

A toast to my parents for fucking me up, huh?

PARTY GUEST 1: That slaps.

New girl is spicing this party up.

We love that you don't care what anyone thinks.

Slay, honey.

Slay I shall.

Benny! Bennigan, hey!

Chrissy! Wow, you made it.

- Ha! - You left so quickly

after you murdered those two bullies,

I never got a chance to thank you.

So thank you. - Pssh, no thanks necessary.

Totes my pleash.

I hope the rest of your day was less explosive.

Yep, it was, unless you count the explosion of flavor

in my homemade muffins. Oh!

But in a more literal sense,

no, it was just that one explosion.

You? - Some ups, some downs.

You know, I just found out my dad's not really dead.

My mom doesn't give two shits about me.

The last 13 years of my life,

I've been a pawn in their fucked-up relationship.

I rode on a carriage

made from the flesh of two mutated krakens to get here,

and I wish I was never born.

But otherwise, a great day.

Well, if I had a wish, I'd cancel your wish

because I think it's pretty great you were born.

Aw. Thanks, Bennigan.

- You feeling better? - Better than better.

I'm the motherfucking Antichrist!

Listen carefully, do not leave your trash in this van.

It is a rental.

Now, let's gut this child

and wear her entrails as a scarf.

I should have chosen your whore sister.

Oh, fuck.

Hold up. Time out.

Look.

How did Chrissy get back to Earth?

That's not the problem. This is.

These asshats are mercenaries hired to dispose of demons.

They're gonna kill Chrissy if we don't stop them.

"We"? Fuck you.

Let's stop measuring dicks

for our daughter's sake.

I need a cadaver, but fresh,

like between a finger twitch and a bowel release.

Wait a minute, when we dated,

were you inside someone's corpse?

And you had an unfinished dolphin tattoo.

Don't be a snob.

Gerald's gonna be at that party,

and I don't care if he just had knee surgery

'cause I'm about to hit that!

- Oh, my gosh!

Well, welcome back. You should take a shower.

You smell like rot.

Where the hell am I gonna find a cadaver?

There's only so far I'll go for you, Laura.

I'll see you at the party.

Okay, he better have health insurance too

'cause I'm gonna tear that back up.

PARTY GUEST 1: Oh, God, watch out!

PARTY GUEST 2: Is it, like, cloak season or something?

PARTY GUEST 3: Push your way to the front.

At last we meet, vile beast.

I've waited my entire career

to watch the life drain from your hideous eyes

and put an end to your father's plan.

PARTY GUEST 1: Get a real job! - I am well paid!

I don't think you know who you're dealing with, Chief.

Piss quick. Your pants are on fire.

Oh, oh, oh!

Smoke if you got 'em.

Here you go, Sparky.

Fire it up, baby!

What the hell?

What is this?

And now, the real suffering begins.

- Leave her alone! - Bennigan.

I have a gut feeling I'll be okay.

PARTY GUEST 4: This party just got lame.

Deceiver, dark one,

thou shall be cast into...

Wow, sorry.

It's like, you stand here

holding the ceremonial knife with this Antichrist--

PARTY GUEST 5: Who gives a shit?

I do.

And I am your final judgment.

Why?

Comedy.

Get your hands off my daughter.

Our daughter. - Oh, great.

My parents are here.

Hi, honey. I'm a chicken now.

HENCHMAN 2: Ow!

HENCHMAN 3: Aah!

HENCHMAN 4: Oh!

HENCHMAN 5: I'm bleeding, I'm bleeding.

Really, that's all you got?

I made a dozen guys shoot their dicks off.

PARTY GUEST 6: And one vagina!

Whoo!

Now, we're having fun.

We're like The Incredibles but gross.

- With my last breath, let--

I will get my revenge. You shall pay!

Has anyone seen the tip of my dick?

If my parents ever show up to a party,

murder me with a knife.

What is middle school

but Sisyphus pretending to love the boulder?

See you at the bottom of the hill tomorrow, new girl.

- That was so deep. - My sister had Sisyphus.

See you tomorrow!

Boy, did we have a meet-weird, right?

Like it was a meet-cute,

but it was weird 'cause of all the carnage!

Chrissy, are you hurt?

Don't worry. Daddy's here.

Oh, I'll show you what I do to Daddy.

Just fucking stop it!

This was the worst day of my life,

and it was because of you two self-centered assholes.

If you want your sire and seed or whatever

and you actually want a daughter,

know that I'm calling the shots now.

Got it? Got it?

- Yeah, got it. Cool your jets. - Yeah, fine. We got it.

Mom, I'm going to school tomorrow.

No more running.

And, Dad, I don't trust you,

but I want to get to know you, but slowly,

like every other weekend.

Every other? That's a little weak.

God damn it!

We got time to negotiate.

Now, who wants pancakes?

Well, now you've met your father.

No, not yet.

Her mother's stronger than I thought.

But hey, who cares?

My daughter's gonna join me soon,

and then I'll be top shit for eternity.

But I just got to be patient, you know?

And I'm a patient guy.

I wrote the book on patience.

Got all the time in the world.

Just wanted to let you know that I left some sanitary pads

near where the bathroom sink used to be.

Oh, and hey, that thing I said about my life being ruined,

I was a mess before I had you.

That's sort of how I had you,

so yeah, you didn't ruin anything.

You made me better, okay?

I love you. Night.

My little baby girl is all grown up.

Time for Mama to grow up too.

No more running.

I never thought I'd hear

the Laura Feinberg say those words.

Oh, it is creepy when you come out

of the shadows like that, Irwin.

I don't control the lighting in here.

You do. You know,

maybe Mama wasn't running from the Devil.

Maybe Mama was running from being a real mama.

Uh, okay.

So if Mama's not running, what's next on the docket?

I don't know.

What do people do in the suburbs anyway, huh?

Rake leaves? Start book clubs?

Walk into the ocean and drown themselves?

I mean...

Hey. You want to watch Con Air?

You read Mama's mind.