Original subtitles

Okay. Dad and evil boss In jail.

Reality restored.

Zero hours of sleep.

Ow, God! And a new catastrophic workplace injury.

Thanks, J.R. God, I hate this fucking...

Yes!

Welcome back, Boss Friend Forever!

Brett, did you do all this?

No, dog. They did it on their own.

Who'd have thought the best timeline was this one?

Thank you, Reagan.

You rescued me from a timeline

where a teleporter turned me into Jeff Goldblum.

I was trapped in a dystopia where Kennedy never got shot.

It was awful. He ended up killing millions.

And we had three faces!

It was unnatural.

We're just glad we don't have to listen to these guys anymore.

Are these jumpsuits made out of fucking polyester?

I already have crotch rash!

Will you stop manhandling your crotch?

Oh! Like I didn't live all four years in our college dorm

listening to your abusive relationship with your right hand!

Hey, you two! Save the shanking for the Death Arena!

- Oh, yeah, the Death Arena. - I hate that fucking arena.

You earned this.

You led Cognito through a gauntlet.

And saved all these POWs.

"Prisoners of warped realities." Glenn coined that one.

I'm a wordsmith!

I don't know what to say, guys.

It's your moment, pal. Enjoy it.

Well, I...

Time for our first totally normal day with zero crazy personal drama.

See? She's so relaxed, she's completely frozen.

Right, Reagan? Right? Right? Reagan?

- Reagan? - Yeah!

Aw, I love how weird she is.

Reagan Ridley, on behalf of the Illuminati,

I wish to thank you for doing what I never could.

Destroying your father.

Thank you, but he destroyed himself.

Although he did team up with whiskey.

Please accept this as a small, humble token of our thanks.

- Wow! - A little over-the-top.

I don't hate this.

I talked to God, and He's gonna send you to VIP heaven.

You're not going to shitty heaven with the regular people.

You saved the world for real, ninjette!

Please accept this gift basket.

Ugh!

I've seen enough anime to know which holes these go in!

We expect great things, Reagan.

Cognito!

Whoa, the entire global conspiracy just got behind you!

The weight of the world is on your shoulders.

Finally, a reason for you to have shitty posture.

Guys, I appreciate all of this, but we still have a cover-up to focus on.

There's still some leftover anomalies that need to be contained.

The damage to our timeline has caused a number of minor inconsistencies.

Plot holes, if you will.

Oh, of course, like how some celebrities are reptoids

and others are randomly Illuminati.

It's like Illuminati stuff came later!

Or like how I used to say I wasn't an alien,

and then you guys found out my species arrived on an asteroid.

Exactly. These plot holes were all caused by the machine.

- Very satisfying. - Future stuff too!

But the major anomalies are still causing chaos.

Like here. A warehouse full of Berenstain Bears books

where their names are spelled wrong. Also, their genitals are showing.

Papa Bear is packin'.

We have six hours before the changes become permanent.

We need to isolate and contain every plot hole from this past season.

Of summer. The season of summer.

Hey, Brett, sidebar?

"We need to talk."

Dang! That always means breakups or cancer.

Maybe it's just cancer.

I need some time to figure this out.

Do you think you could run things for the day?

Me? In charge of a whole workforce, like Santa?

Come on! You're not the same Brett you were when you started here!

You can handle this.

Just remember, being a boss means making tough decisions.

- Sometimes you have to kill your babies. - I resent that!

It's a figure of speech!

Fucking Steve!

Uh, Brett is in charge for the day,

and I want you to give him the same respect that you've given me

starting roughly this morning.

All right, team. Let's get out there and...

Hey! Where's everybody going?

This just turned into a snow day.

Except for the 0% body fat, you're a big softie.

Oh, yeah? Would a big softie vaporize his favorite movie anomaly?

- Damn! - He killed his baby!

Shooting!

That's right, there's a new sheriff in town. "Sheriff Boss"!

I'm sticking around to see how dumb this gets.

All right, listen up. Confiscate the presidential portraits of Dennis Rodman,

sandblast the Pepsi logo off the moon,

and figure out how many Oscars Meryl Streep is supposed to have.

Three sounds kind of low.

Yes, sir! Right away, sir!

Man, leadership is easy.

You just yell the things you want, and they happen.

Massive anomaly detected right here in DC.

Brett's get dangerous! All together now.

- No chance. - Not doing that.

Come on, guys.

Okay, okay.

Brett's get dangerous.

That's better.

Hey, the door was unlocked and...

Oh God. You're leaving?

Reagan. I...

I don't hear from you for days and you're moving?

I'm sorry. I needed time to think things over.

Do you know how many times we've almost died since we met?

Um, well, together or separately?

Look, before you break up with me, I just want to say...

I love you.

I love you too.

Wait, what the hell are you... Are you not breaking up with me?

No! Are you kidding? You're the only thing that matters to me.

Which is why I made all of this.

A scrapbook? Appleton, Wisconsin?

What's in Appleton?

Just a small town where nobody knows us.

The perfect place for perfect memories.

Passports? You made us new identities?

And deepfaked photos of us? We never did this stuff.

And if we don't leave the shadow world, we might never get a chance to.

I've been thinking about it and thinking about it,

and this job is dangerous, Reagan.

And the thought of you getting...

Why did your finger just fall off?

Oh... this?

This is just from getting shot by my intern during a dimension storm.

This is what I mean! You're risking your life at that job,

and for what?

To do the bidding of the "Black Robes"?

We don't even know who they are!

Are they good, evil, even human?

The night we met, I wanted to escape this job,

but then I met you,

and you were worth sticking around for.

Now, there's a chance for us to have both.

My last memory eraser.

Two charges.

We could start a new life before it's too late.

If we remember classified intel, they'll come for us,

but this way, we'll be free.

In Appleton, huh?

Low crime. Good schools.

Two rocking chairs on the porch for when we grow old.

Hopefully together?

Yeah, knowing us, we'd probably end up taking over the town like dictators.

You can't fix the world. Something will always fuck it up again.

But we could start our own world together.

I know it's a big decision, but... just think about it?

Okay. I'll think about it.

All right, we re-canceled Kevin Spacey,

replaced the signs that said "Pizza Hutch,"

and forced Richard Nixon back into his grave.

I don't wanna talk about it.

There's only one anomaly left. In this gym.

Once we get rid of it, our timeline should stabilize.

Now, let's vaporize this puppy.

Hello? Any Mandela Effects in here?

Was that a swish?

It sounded like nothing but net!

Air Bud? From Disney's Air Bud?

My first on-screen role model!

He must have been left here

from a timeline where Air Bud was a documentary.

I guess there's nothing in the rules of physics

that says a dog can't glitch through time and play basketball.

Great. Let's vaporize this puppy!

What? No!

Oh, but you literally said...

That's when I thought it was a bad anomaly. Look at this good boy.

His hair swoops just like mine!

Brett, if I've learned anything from Air Bud,

Air Bud Two: Golden Receiver,

Air Bud Three: World Pup, Air Bud Four: Seventh Inning Fetch, Air Bud Spikes Back,

and the Air, Snow, Space, Santa, Spooky Treasure,

and Super Buddy spin-offs,

it's that the world doesn't need a fucking basketball-playing dog!

But... Rye ruv him.

No biggie, just making the biggest decision of my life

when I can't even hold on to a portable charger.

Reagan, I really need your advice on...

Oh, leaving again?

Staedtler kind of asked me to run away with him,

like, forever.

Brett? What if you being in charge was more of a permanent thing?

Forever? But, Reagan, you're my best friend, and...

I...

And I got this.

All I care about is that you're happy.

What did you need my advice about?

Nothing Sheriff Boss can't handle.

Did you just hear a dog dunking?

Drive safe, pal!

Just gotta think it over. Job versus love... Job versus...

The hell?

Our building doesn't even go that low. Does it?

Agh! No! I promised myself I wouldn't die at work!

No, no, no! Agh!

Reagan Ridley, the time has come.

Oh my God, it's you, the Black Robes!

We have been watching you for some time. You and your father.

He hid the most dangerous weapon in the universe right under our noses.

Project Reboot.

More like Project "Fuck Up 100,000 Years of Planning."

- Agreed. - The fucking guy.

We wanted to thank you for saving reality.

Wow, I'm honored. I mean "shadow-honored" if that is the preferred term?

That is the term. Shadow-honored.

But what am I even doing here?

Who are you guys?

In all these years, you've never shown me anything.

Then what if we showed you... everything?

In ministerium chobanis!

You guys aren't gonna sacrifice me to a Cthulhu, right?

No, hell, no, no. That guy's fucking nuts!

Who's ready to pet our new office dog?

His name is, um, Regular Bud.

You brought the anomaly back here?

Hey!

That thing cannot remain in our timeline.

In less than four hours, our universe will conform to a reality

where dogs rule at basketball.

So? That doesn't sound so bad.

Once dogs dominate the NBA, they'll evolve thumbs.

They'll learn to work doorknobs,

which leads to political power, their own military.

A full-on planet of the dogs!

Sweet dolphin Jesus!

You have to kill this dog to save our universe.

No. No! There must be a solution.

What would Reagan do? Put me in charge?

So, what would Brett do?

Here it comes!

I'll prove we don't have to worry about dogs dominating humans on or off the court

by beating Air Bud in a game of one-on-one.

Yes! This has wildly exceeded my expectations of stupidity.

Our story begins at the dawn of history.

The birth of the very first society

begat the need for the very first secret society.

A fraction of early humans were born smarter than their fellow cavemen.

The intelligent ones realized that without intervention,

their species would never survive.

But they were mocked for their enlightenment.

They realized humanity needed to be protected from itself.

And if they would not listen to reason,

perhaps they would listen to a higher power.

And thus, the Order of the Black Robes was born.

Operating from the shadows using secret knowledge,

we and our descendants kept watch over all of human history.

Not to point out the obvious, but fire, plague, actual fucking locusts?

If you're watching over us, why didn't you stop these things?

Stop them? We unleashed them.

When humanity was about to overpopulate,

we released the Black Plague,

and in quarantine, Sir Isaac Newton discovered gravity.

Okay, what is the plan behind burning rainforests?

Controlled fire to stop sentient trees overthrowing humanity.

Shit, really? Okay. Uh, the Titanic?

- Atlantean invasion fleet. - Huh. No kidding.

What appears on the surface to be chaos

is actually a complex system serving a greater good.

Humanity is like your team.

You've seen what happens when you don't save them from themselves.

They're not that helpless! I put Brett in charge this morning,

and I'm sure that there are zero high jinks happening right now.

At two and a half feet and 14 and a half sequels,

he dribbles with his paws and his mouth.

It's Air Bud!

Yeah, mankind is doomed.

If the dog wins, he dies,

but this little idiot does not want that, does he?

Throw the game. Please. Please! The stakes are so high.

Motherfucker!

No, Air Bud. You just signed your own death warrant.

Stop licking me.

It's time to say goodbye, Brett.

No! There's gotta be another way.

What about chess? I could beat a dog in chess! Probably.

Leadership means killing things whenever people tell you to, no questions asked!

Vaporize that dog or humanity falls!

Fine. I'll do it.

Can you just give us some privacy? No one else should have to see this.

But enough about the past. Let's talk about the future!

My inevitable takeover binder?

You were in my office?

Wait, do you know where my phone charger is?

Here you go.

What does this all mean?

You were the obvious choice to replace J.R.,

but your irrational attachment to your father held you back, until now.

We're not making you the new J.R. You're making partner.

Everything we know, you'll know.

What do you think?

I don't think any human is fit to govern humanity,

but I could create an algorithm that could.

Completely unbiased,

programmed to calculate the maximum benefit for every living thing.

It's what I've wanted to make for the office,

but I could make it for the entire world!

Shit. All right. When could you start?

Shit? Really?

Think of how much good you could do as the most powerful human on Earth.

Since you mention it, are you guys human? How's about a little peek under that robe?

Uh-uh-uh.

I was joking!

Fuck.

So you have to choose between true love or a chance at world domination.

Ah, the classic "will she, won't she?"

There's gotta be a solution

where Staedtler and I can be happy without giving up my work!

Follow me.

I've connected the reality scanner to the holo-chamber

and narrowed it down to timelines where you, quote, "have it all."

Now you can search every conceivable outcome

and see them for yourself.

Here's a reality where you and Staedtler teach improv classes to convicted felons.

Yes, and...

Alpha-Beta, this is so un-genocidal of you.

Maybe this room makes me sentimental.

It's where I first learned empathy from your mother's touch.

Aww. And... ew?

Huh.

Whoa. Weird. A reality where we work together.

I'm busy, Ron. Don't you have a monkey to lobotomize?

Uh-oh.

No one understands you.

They just see you as a friendly doofus that nobody's gonna miss.

People think that hugs and smiles are all you have to offer,

but you gotta follow your heart and do things your way.

That's why I'm letting you out into a field and freeing you.

Here's a gun to protect yourself with.

I feel confident about this plan.

Just stay away from doorknobs

and the dogpocalypse should be fine.

It's over, Brett!

We knew you didn't have what it takes to do this job!

It's your character arc, Brett.

According to Save the Cat!, your growth can only happen if you murder a dog!

If you want to destroy Air Bud, you'll have to go through me.

Maybe a boss with a big heart

is what this place needs to stop being such a fucking nightmare!

Ow!

- I recognize your dominance. - But... Ow!

But...

I just wanted to be slapped.

Sorry, Brett. It was easier taking orders from Reagan because she was, uh...

Kind of a dick?

- That's what I was thinking. - Yeah.

Well, I'm in charge now and I make the rules.

Wait, the rules? I just got an idea!

Okay. I just need to find one reality where everything works out.

This is nice.

What? Wait!

No, no, no, no, no, no!

Maybe this one?

Ron! No!

No. Bad.

Bad.

Very bad.

No, this is hopeless!

There has to be at least one reality where we're happy!

This is it.

This is the solution.

I figured it out.

Air Bud is only a threat because there's nothing in the rule book

that says a dog can't play basketball...

until now.

I'm changing the rules!

They can't evolve if they can't have any hope of a career!

Of course, just like 99% of college players.

Lobby to ban dogs from professional sports?

As long as you're holding the checkbook, I'll ban anyone from anything!

It was a buzzer-beater, but you squashed the dog uprising, Brett.

I just wish our old coach could have seen us.

Where is she anyway?

- Where's all your stuff? - Who needs the baggage? Let's do this.

Okay, on the count of three.

One, two, three.

- Goddamn, that burns! - Goddamn, that burns!

Okay. Remember, after I zap myself,

you have a 60-second window of suggestibility to read me the script.

I love you.

I love you back.

I can't wait to finally be able to sleep at night.

Your name is Martin Higgins. You live just outside Appleton, Wisconsin.

You had a hard time for a long time, but you did something brave.

You took a chance on a new life because you realized you deserved one.

I searched a thousand lifetimes for the one that would make you happiest.

And you'll find it one day.

Just

without me.

You're free now.

I'm sorry that I couldn't be free with you.

I'll miss you, Ron,

and I know if it were possible,

you'd miss me too.

All right, Reagan, you made your choice

because humanity needs someone to make the hard choices.

And as long as the person you love is happy, maybe you can be happy later.

Until then, you have a job to do.

You've considered our offer then.

I accept.

Maybe you could be my new Reagan.

How do you feel about growing out a messy ponytail?

I ruv you, Brett! Pratonicary!

Reagan!

- Okay, okay, down, boy! - You're back!

I found a solution.

One where Staedtler doesn't have to live with the memory of our breakup.

Oh. But you do.

Yeah. I didn't want to forget.

What's with that dog?

I thought you were the office golden retriever.

Long story, but I found a solution too.

- Brett! - Is that dog growing thumbs?

Probably fine.

Huh. Well, that's what we do here, right? Solve unsolvable problems.

- Oh, and the Robes are making me partner. - What?

Yeah, we're finally gonna find out everything.

No more secrets.

It is done. The pact is sealed.

It's time to begin Project X37.

You don't think Reagan will see this coming?

How could she?

She's only human.