Original subtitles

A NETFLIX SERIES

Did you know October was Medical Ultrasound Awareness Month?

This is awesome.

Why? Do you need one?

No, we've reached the point in our relationship

where we don't have to have sex all the time.

We can just lay in bed, share amazingly boring factoids.

Whoa, this is awesome. I kind of wanna have sex now.

Oh God, yes.

Guten abend.

Staedtler, the Illuminati requires your services.

Why are you shirtless?

Uh, just sacrificing some virgin, sir.

You mean sacrificing yourself?

Up top.

Oh.

Anyway, tourists spotted Princess Di playing spikeball on her private island.

We need you to erase those memories. Chop-chop.

Beyoncé doesn't say hi, by the way. Bye.

God, I hate working for the Illuminati.

The mind erasing, the lies, my asshole co-workers.

I should just get a regular job.

Doing what?

I don't know. Repairing old boats?

I could fix up a schooner and we could sail to the Caribbean.

A schooner's a boat, right?

Bitching about our shadow world jobs is how we got together.

What are we gonna talk about if you quit?

Reagan, we have lots of other stuff to talk about.

Hey, you should work at Cognito!

What? The Illuminati's archrival?

Uh, yes! We work great together,

I promise you'll never have to erase minds again,

and my team is the best.

You'll fit right in.

Oh, come on. You know my John Cusack damaged outsider vibe

doesn't make the best first impressions.

I'm a fourth impression kind of guy.

Ooh, what if I introduced you to Brett first?

He will sell you on Cognito. He is a great pitchman.

He once convinced the whole office to sell Herbalife,

even though we all knew we invented that pyramid scheme to fund the CIA.

All right, I'll give it a shot.

Brett, it's Reagan. How would you like to finally meet my boyfriend?

Reagan's letting me into her personal life?

He said yes.

This place is like if the Illuminati was a strip mall.

Cool. Fall Harvest Fluoride. Chocolate Chip Cure For Cancer?

Man, they still have Four Loko? And Five Loko?

The fifth Loko is time.

Reags! And man of Reags!

Psyched to meet my BFF's BF L-M-N-O-P.

Sorry. When I get excited I just start saying letters. W!

Brett, this is Ron Staedtler. Staedtler, this is Brett Hand.

Nice to meet you, man.

- Oh. Oh, oh. - Okay.

- Okay. Sorry. - Oops.

- Agh! - Oh. No worries.

- Ow! - Drinking will help this.

The usual for this one, and I'm pegging you as a vodka man.

Whiskey neat for me.

Right, and I will have a Natty light.

Good one. What, are they all out of Jägermeister?

Do you wanna do Jägerbombs? I'm down to clown.

I love douche humor too. I've listened to every Dane Cook album.

- Sincerely. - Ironically.

Uh... Hm.

Brett, tell Staedtler why Cognito is such a great place to work.

Um, yeah. Let me tell you why it's so Cog-neat-o.

Wait, Brett, I want to apologize.

We got off on the wrong foot. I would love if we could start over.

Oh, phew. Yes. Be kind and... rewind.

That sounds like a great idea.

Great. And let's get some new music up in here.

Who picked this '90s shit?

It's like someone put a 20 in the Jukebox and pushed Counting Crows over and over.

I listen to "Accidentally In Love" from the Shrek 2 soundtrack every day!

I mean, great to meet you.

- It's all right. We're joking. - Yeah, it's all good.

Yeah, no. This is fun.

- That went well. - That was a disaster.

If one hour with Brett is that awkward, there's no way I'll fit in at Cognito.

What? No! No-o-o-o!

You and Brett are gonna love each other.

Uh, don't count your crows before they're hatched.

I always ruin first impressions.

You just need to get to know him better. You two will have way more fun at our...

Uh, annual Halloween party.

Yeah, Cognito is known for our awesome Halloween party

that we throw every single year. It's legendary.

That could be fun.

We're throwing the first ever Cognito Halloween party. Attendance is mandatory.

But every Halloween, my kids and I watch scary movies.

The entire Michael Moore catalog.

I won't be attending.

Parties are just primitive human mating rituals.

Like I'd want to spend an evening licking any of your mouths

to find a compatible immune system.

Devastating.

J.R., when you were running things,

what was our normal budget for office parties?

You mean the real ones or the ones you guys were invited to?

I'm thinking a hundred grand to start.

- Sounds good! - Make it rain, girl.

I'm going to that party.

Dad? You ruined my childhood. You want to make it up to me by funding this party?

Sure. Much like your childhood, I won't be there.

I have a hot date with your mom thanks to the N.E.E.D.Y Act.

I'm gonna re-seduce her

and fill the void inside me by filling the void inside her...

Brett, the reason I'm throwing this party is to sell Staedtler on Cognito.

I want to wow him with how awesome it would be to work here with all of us.

Oh, Staedtler's coming.

Oh, I love that... Love that guy.

I'm worried that if he leaves the shadow world

our relationship will not survive.

I need him to have fun at this party, and you're the king of fun.

Anything for you.

You're the best!

So just as we get Staedtler to peak party fun,

I'm gonna whip out a job offer and have him sign it with this.

It doubles as a tranquilizer dart.

- Agh! - Aw, such a sweet gift, Reags.

SeaWorld, they found me.

Courage wolf, hear me now.

Friendship wolf has gone missing and you have to find him!

Now get him, boy! Get him!

Where are you, friendship wolf?

Man, you look nuts right now.

Andre, I've literally never met a person I didn't like before until Staedtler,

but for some reason, I don't vibe with him at all.

I'm about to blow my brains out!

Brett, this is the thing.

I didn't hear a word you said after Andre.

I don't want to let Reagan down,

but I can't bring party energy to a guy I have zero chemistry with.

Hey, man, I feel ya.

But if there's two things I know about, it's chemistry and chemistry.

And chemistry.

Are you okay?

Just give me a sec.

I was working on a friendship virus to create world peace,

but Raytheon paid me never to test it.

I still have the samples right here.

Love you, bro.

A love potion for friendship?

I could customize it to make you like Staedtler.

Do it, man. Do it!

If we had his DNA.

But how would we get...

Bam! Ron's hair.

God, you can tell he doesn't use any product at all.

Does he care about appearances?

You're almost back on top.

Got your job, your company. Now all you need is...

There she is. Ready to put the "date" in government mandate?

Save it, Rand. The Botox hides it, but I'm staring daggers at you.

I'm a new man, Tamiko.

I'm gonna wine and dine you with a night of whimsy and romance.

If you'll just put this on.

Fine, let's get this over with.

Happy Halloween, Cognito!

It's time for you monsters to mash... your genitals together!

Tonight, HR stands for Horny Raving!

Ah, it feels good to pretend to be rich again.

Can I upsell anyone on this sweet duplex on Baltic Avenue?

- Oh, let me guess. Cher-nobyl. - Duh.

Ahoy, bitches.

Who's ready to shiver me timbers to completion?

Jack Sparrow? You gotta be kidding me.

Avast, mateys!

Oh, what the Jerry Fuck-heimer. Take that costume off now!

No way! I spent 5.99 on same-day shipping for these hair beads.

I look roguish.

You look like a white girl at Burning Man!

I was going for more of a detached irony vibe.

- Maybe I should change. - No, no, no. Everyone is gonna love you.

Wow, these decorations are amazing.

Um, yeah, that is definitely a Halloween decoration.

Let's hit the bar.

How's it going? Nice Minion costume.

It's a hazmat suit,

under which I'm wearing a Minion costume.

This should make you love Staedtler like he was your own frat brother.

Let's do this!

Uh, your arm is fine.

Oh.

Love you, bro! Love ya!

Gigi, you remember Staedtler.

How can I forget?

Reagan doesn't have a lot of girlfriends, so she tells me everything.

Penis size.

Hey-o! There's Ron, the R-man.

Rated R.

R. Kelly.

Forget that last one.

- Look, about the other night... - Say no more. All that awkwardness?

Good thing tonight I'm Criss Angel Mindfreak

'cause it, poof, has disappeared.

Cool, man. And great Final Fantasy costume.

Whoa.

Hey, looks like the virus worked!

No, it didn't. I was faking it.

I felt nothing but slight dislike. What is happening?

Brett, where'd you go?

You were totally bonding with Staedtler.

I'm sorry, Reagan, I can't. I still don't have any vibes with him.

- Yeah, you are failing the vibe check. - I should just go.

What? No. This party will fizzle without you!

What are you doing?

Social lubricant.

You will drink as much of this as you need to save my relationship!

Love you, bro. What's happening, bro? What's up, bros?

Get ready to lose your fucking mind over the City of Lights.

You brought me to Paris?

As CEO, I have unlimited access to the Cognito shadow lab.

CEO.

I must say, I'm skeptically intrigued.

I know you love fancy crap,

so we got a suite at the Four Seasons and a dinner resy at Le Cinq.

The night is ours, baby.

So I guess the new romantic you

wouldn't mind taking a stroll along the Champs-Élysées?

I'd find it magical.

While reciting poetry.

Poetry? Damn it all! The one thing I didn't bring with me.

Uh, you want to huck croissants at geese?

I'm starting to think you haven't changed at all.

Uh, no, I have.

Just give me five. I need to take un crap.

Hey, the stars should be twinklier. Twinklier! What did I tell you?

You told me to create the perfect romantic simulation.

You said you'd do anything to win her back, except make an effort.

Effort is for people without robots.

Hey, can you tag in for me for a while?

- Tag in? - Hologram in as me to the date.

Recite some poetry. Tamiko will never know.

But I've never been on a date before.

You'll be in my body and women find me irresistible.

I'm gonna go eat a hot dog on the toilet.

Ping me when she's ready to jump in the sack.

Okay, are you drunk enough yet to show my boyfriend a good time?

Almost.

Woo, let's get crazy!

Come, lad. We're doing lines of Lipitor off my TV Guide!

Love you, bro! Hell yeah, bro!

Love you, bro!

Love you, bro!

Okay, truth or dare?

Truth! I currently sleep in a barrel.

Dare. I dare you all to say one reason why Staedtler would love to work here.

Hey, guys. It's not a party without Trojans, right?

Oh, Myc could probably give you 300 reasons.

What's wrong with erasing minds for the Illuminati?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Buddy, you coming after my job?

Nah, I'm done with mind-erasing.

It's such an amoral, pointless job.

But that's just me.

Uh, for you, it's totally cool.

Good, 'cause there's only room for one Myc on this team and...

Goddamn it!

Freedom!

That's Braveheart, you idiot!

The only way you're associated with the number 300 is in pounds.

You calling me fat?

Explicitly.

I'm starting to think you're insulting me.

Love you, bro!

- Hey, how do you feel right now? - Friendly.

Why are we fighting over who's got the best costume

when it's obviously this heat-seeking missile?

Hey, you could totally steal my job.

That'll be our thing. Should we give each other nicknames?

I have a strange urge not to assassinate you.

Have you ever tried a two-and-a-half-some?

Let's go talk to this guy!

Whoa, you were right. People here are really friendly.

Yeah, friendly.

Love you, bro!

Give the man some room!

Don't crowd him just because he has a magnificent penis.

Oh, no. What's going on?

I think the disease is somehow spreading.

You two, what happened?

I was working in the lab late one night and...

We made a virus to make me like your boyfriend and it's spreading!

You did what?!

Fuck! Brett must be asymptomatic because he's always at peak friendship,

but it worked on everybody else!

Huh, wow. It is nice to have legs again.

Though I see the world in zeros and ones...

...my target lock is engaged on your glorious buns.

I love it.

Human touch! Is something I am used to.

Oh, Rand. Grab a napkin before I slap you... again.

Ha ha, anything for you, my, uh, love.

Blow up the Eiffel Tower.

- What? - You do love me, don't you?

- Yeah, but... - And you control the world now, right?

Yes. Uh...

I mean, I, uh, will blow up the Eiffel Tower.

Oh my God. I just wanted to see how you'd react.

You were really gonna do it, weren't you?

You're not like anyone I've ever met.

You're like a sociopath and a yoga mom put together.

I literally have no idea what you're going to say next.

Vagina egg.

See? There it is again!

You're the only human I can't predict.

And you're uncharacteristically vulnerable.

I find it both weak and sexy.

A sexual advance. I have to get Rand.

Uh, I mean, get randy.

Staedtler, Staedtler!

All right. Hit it, Mothman.

Staedtler, Staedtler, Staedtler!

Staedtler! Yeah!

What should we do?

- Hm. - It's Uncle Moneybags' turn!

Dolla, dolla bills, yo!

Back off, he's mine!

We got to lock this thing down now.

Andre, find an antidote. Brett, keep a lid on things.

Oh, hey. Uh, okay.

- Where are we going? - I want to show you my lab.

- But the party was just getting fun. - Know what else everyone thinks is fun?

Looking at computer code!

I wonder how that glorified paint can is doing on my date.

I bet she's eating him alive.

You robot bastard!

Shit! Oh, fuck!

- Where's Staedtler? - Staedtler.

Excuse me, fellas. If I could just grab a quick blood sample.

- Agh! - We saw you talking to Staedtler.

Give us friend times or we cause the end times!

Let's find him. Why are the blast doors down?

Dear God. They're like the raptors in Jurassic Park.

They've figured out how to open doors!

Shit! We didn't account for their opposable thumbs!

Staedtler!

So this is my lab where all the cool robotic stuff happens.

- Maybe I could find you an opening here. - Hello, Reagan.

That's my AI assistant, Reag0n.

Reag0n, meet my boyfriend, Ron Staedtler.

Ah, a romantic interest.

Would you like to build a Staedtler bot to practice making out with?

What?

No. Why would I do that?

It's your standard protocol.

Remember RyanBot?

Commencing construction.

- Reagan, am I alive? - Stop making the robot!

Halting construction.

Yeah, I'm not sure robotics is for me, but I'm still open to working here.

Do you want to officially sign your contract?

Later. Let's get back to the party.

Glenn said he's gonna show me how to drive a tank.

Wait. What about doing it on my desk?

We could do it all the time when you work here.

Nothing mixes better than sex and work.

Terminating StaedtlerBot.

It hurts!

Maybe later.

W-W-Wait. We can't go back!

Why are you acting so weird?

- Andre? - Staedtler! Let's start a band!

Join us.

Everything is not okay. Run!

Wait, you guys gave everyone a virus to make them like me?

Am I that unlikable?

Staedtler.

Focus on the positive. It did work insanely well. Agh!

Let's make out!

Not in a weird way. Just guys vibin'.

I know this all looks bad, but trust me, Cognito is a great place to work.

What if we unleash these Hitler clones on them?

Like Hitler Hitler?

Look, we're all scientists here.

I mean, everyone's cloned a few Hitlers.

Sieg Heil!

How many Hitlers does an office need?

Or we could develop a gene therapy...

Did you say baby organs?

Brett, stop helping!

Staedtler!

What kind of place is this?

Staedtler!

Staedtler!

Come play with me, Staedtler.

Just nine rounds.

I feel like we have the same interests. Want to start a podcast?

Hm, maybe.

No! This is like a siren song for straight white men.

Staedtler, join us.

I want to help you move!

Staedtler, why is your Instagram private?

- Staedtler! - Staedtler!

Okay, so Andre used your DNA to make the virus,

so maybe if we use the DNA of someone who doesn't like you

then we can reverse engineer an antidote.

Brett! You don't like Staedtler. Give me your arm.

What? No, no, I totally dig you, Staedtler.

It's okay, Brett. You don't have to like me.

We both care about Reagan and that's enough.

Wait. So you're saying it's okay to not like you?

- No one's ever said that to me before. - Brett?

Such radical empathy!

- No, no, no, no, no. - I...

Fight it, Brett.

I finally like you now! Bring it in.

That's really fucking sweet, but now your DNA is useless!

- Staedtler! - Staedtler, take off your clothes!

Okay. How many people did you tell about my, you know?

I have a plan. Just do it!

I'll pretend to be you. I'll hold them off long enough for you to escape.

Brett, that's insane.

Who would be that suicidally friendly?

Brett would.

I... I actually like you too, Brett.

- Sincerely. - Sincerely.

- Staedtler! - Go!

Staedtler!

Hey, it's me, Staedtler!

Huh?

Attack me with your wrong love.

Ow. Ow. Ow, ow. Ow!

You know, Tamiko? I've been in a cage for so long.

Uh, emotionally.

But tonight is the first time I've ever felt free.

You sound nothing like the man I divorced.

For one thing, you're not holding in bong smoke.

There's something I must tell you.

You're about to fuck a machine!

God, I hope so.

I asked this two-faced bag of bolts to trick you into banging me,

and he betrayed me.

This entire thing wasn't real? Paris? Your poetry?

But it was real, Tamiko.

I've fallen for you,

and my facial recognition software tells me you feel this too!

- Oh. - Time to force quit, asshole.

Bring it, blood sack!

She deserves better than you!

I'm not not into this.

Staedtler!

Think, Reagan, think!

- What? - Um, nothing.

No, I know that look.

That's the "I have an idea but I don't want to say it" look.

Like the time you wanted to use Cheetos as croutons.

Damn it!

Well, the thing is they can't be infatuated with you

if they can't remember you.

Of course. Erase their minds. It's what I'm good at.

The whole point of you working here

was so you didn't have to erase people's memories anymore.

What other choice do we have?

We need to amplify the gun's signal somehow.

Can we hotwire it into the building's lighting system?

Yes, with this.

It was a gift for you to celebrate you signing the contract.

- Staedtler! - Pull the trigger on my mark.

Staedtler!

- Three. - Staedtler!

- Two. - Staedtler!

One.

- Staedtler! - Now!

Staedtler! Staedtler!

Huh?

Uh, who are you?

And why is my tentacle on your butt?

Guys, this is my boyfriend, Staedtler.

Nice to meet you all.

- Hi. Nice to meet you. - Hello.

- You probably wanna get back to the party. - The party?

The Halloween party, in the atrium?

- Okay. - Okay.

Hold on!

Uh, remember how you guys did a group costume?

- Huh. Sure. - All right.

See, we do work well together.

Look, I've been thinking. Our work is the problem.

Illuminati, Cognito, no matter what we do,

the shadow government is always gonna put a strain on our relationship.

We'll figure out how to balance our lives and jobs eventually.

- You fucking Erector Set! Fuck you! - You never appreciated her.

I'm a better Rand than you'll ever be.

Stop. Why would I think after 35 years of marriage you would ever change?

There is no way I am ever getting back together with you.

Free advice?

Everyone who works at this place either starts insane or goes insane.

Get out while you still can.

Did you hear that? They made it work for 35 years.

I should probably go. I have to clear my head and think.

About the job? Or about us?

Just... Uh...

Just think.

So when is Staedtler starting?

I really like that guy. Did he say anything about me?

We'll always have Holo-Paris.

Whatever, tinman. This is just a temporary setback.

As long as I'm head of Cognito,

there will always be another way to win her back.

Rand Ridley, report to the Holo-conference line immediately.

The Robes wish to discuss

your performance as head of Cognito.

Shall I log you into Monster.com?

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