Original subtitles

A NETFLIX SERIES

Gather round, Hand family.

You've been summoned to Hand Manor for our most cherished tradition,

the annual ranking of the Hand children.

Hear, hear!

You have one minute to defend your value.

Well, I just made partner at the firm,

totally crushed this greedy class action suit.

It's every American's right to own a wig factory that poisons a river.

Taff?

I've decided to end my seven-figure modeling contract to pursue my hobby.

Pediatric brain surgery.

Our size zero is turning into a hero. Brett?

I have a new job too. It-It's super important.

I just can't talk about it or the nanobots will explode my brain.

Ah, yes, your "classified" job.

I blame myself.

For not adequately blaming the staff we hired to raise you.

You've always been an embarrassment.

Luckily we have Jagg here to carry the family name.

My campaign for senator airs its first commercial

on Patriot News this week.

Called it.

This campaign could not exist without all of your help.

- Of course! - We love you, bro.

Wait, you're all working on Jagg's campaign?

Why didn't anybody ask me to help?

With what? Slowly draining your "trust fund"?

Shrewsbury, up top!

Savage burn, sir.

Uh, no offense, Brett, but you've always been kind of a spineless yes man.

Oh, come on. I'm not spineless.

The doctor said my spine is just huggably soft.

Well, Muffy just had puppies.

So that puts her in a tie for fourth.

Shall we vote?

All in favor of Muffy in fourth?

Aye!

Aye.

Break out the will.

That dog is getting a house in Cape Cod.

Tonight, sexting.

Are dirty messages distracting your teen from studying their assault rifle?

Right again, Danica.

But first, are you sick of liberals

telling you you can't eat an entire drum of fructose corn syrup?

even massive lethal amounts of fructose.

Consume.

- Consume, consume, consume, consume. - Consume, consume, consume, consume.

- Consume, consume, consume. - Consume, consume, consume.

Now you, conflicting viewpoint, you're up.

Whatever Patriot News just said was wrong.

Here are some synonyms to wrong.

Scurrilous, malfease-escent, incorrectitude.

What matters most is that we all come together and eat quinoa.

Consume, consume.

Oh, I love cable news.

It's like watching the apocalypse in slow motion.

Imagine if outraged viewers on both sides knew the truth about the Gigi-run media.

Uh, our conspiracies aren't gonna cover up themselves.

That's why my department creates meaningless controversies

to distract the country from the truth.

Like that you and your new boy toy almost leveled Rome on a sexcapade.

When we come back, get flirtier.

I want to see sparks.

Ugh. He's doing the thing again!

I thought you said robotic male co-hosts would be cheaper.

When you factor in the sexual harassment suits from human anchormen,

we still save money.

When I decided to run for Senate, it wasn't for the elites in Washington.

I did it for what matters.

Family. Whether it's your family, or mine right here.

Ah, we're sure proud of you, bro.

Thanks, Brett.

Uh, awesome.

What? Your family recast you in an ad about the importance of family?

Well, Jagg said Wheelchair Brett tested better.

I know that you got here by being a yes man.

Why do people keep saying that?

But that commercial should piss you off!

Absolutely agree. Hundred percent.

Do something!

What does pro-death even mean?

Today's sponsor is Tubbo's Pizza.

Stuff your crust, stuff your casket.

Where am I supposed to find another camera-ready white man

who can talk for hours without actually saying anything?

Really? Everything bagels?

Get real. I can name at least a thousand things not on this bagel.

Legos, fingers, time itself...

My God! Non-threatening, all-American.

The Comic Sans of people. Brett!

Me, a news anchor?

But my parents watch Patriot News 24/7. What if I say the wrong thing?

Everyone's dream is to be on TV.

Actually, my dream was to...

I'm already bored.

Perhaps I can offer my assistance.

By compiling thousands of hours of news footage,

I can generate a script that's boomer catnip,

and I am hungry to get back into the political arena.

Well, I guess your scripts couldn't be worse than Glenn's.

I write what's in my heart, which is fear,

and according to the doctors, a new type of cholesterol.

Intern, Tubbo's pizza me.

Brett, Reagan, 60 seconds!

Hurry! We're on in five, four...

Don't shank this, pretty boy.

Vegetarianism's a slippery slope to cows taking over

and eating America's beloved golf courses.

I like my meat the way I like my toxic waste.

Ignored by safety inspectors.

And if we really believe in freedom, shouldn't guns be allowed to vote?

Wow, you've finally done it.

Artificial unintelligence.

Would anyone even fall for this crap?

Guns should vote!

Finally, someone brave enough to say it.

That's our show.

That's commercial.

Was that okay?

Look at these views!

You're like Captain America fucked Steve McQueen fucked Lightning McQueen!

Kachow!

How would you like to permanently co-host?

We've got something here, Brett,

and your chest is somehow harder than the robot's.

Well, if it'll make you guys happy

and it'll impress my parents, I guess I'm in.

Finally. I have my own puppet.

Phase one, a signature look that also serves as merchandise.

And if I want to shoot endangered animals out of catapults on my own gold farm,

it's my right!

I like this nice, young man.

Heckin' right. Someone who respects freedom.

And soon, hopefully, a gun's right to marry another gun.

You'll be wed soon, my pretties.

Phase two. Appeal to their emotions.

Fear, fear, fear.

- Fear, fear, fear. - Fear, fear, fear.

Finally, a beacon of hope.

From now on, I'm gonna let my screaming do the talking.

And for the coup de grâce, an inane catchphrase. Something like...

Bretts get ready to rumble!

America, you have a Brett-shaped hole in your heart

and I am here to fill your Brett hole.

It might just be my pills talking, but I think that's our son.

Brett on Patriot News?

Shrewsbury, unblock his phone number and get him on the line.

Everybody, hide! Rupert's on the warpath.

He's killing people with his bare hands.

For once, this is not inflammatory hyperbole!

Thank God for these doors that lock from the inside.

I smell opportunity.

And fucking Sumatran blend?

No. No, no, no. I-I swear I ordered Kenyan!

Ha! I'm fucking with you, intern.

Go clean my car. I think someone threw up in the driver's seat this morning.

Whoa!

Mom and Dad watch every night.

For realio?

It's not easy to say this, but we're... We're... Shrewsbury!

They are proud of you, sir.

This changes everything.

You've just been promoted to number two son.

Wheelchair Brett, you're fired.

Matt, you're number three now.

Your new friends are Luke Hemsworth and Tom Franco.

No. No. No!

And then Jagg asked me to open for him at campaign rallies.

For the first time in my life, I'm finally part of the family.

Brett, get ready to go to war with your family.

You're running for senator.

Huh. I always thought that was a supply closet.

It's those crazy Backhanders you've been whipping up on Patriot News.

But we already own the president and 49% of Congress.

Exactly. If you win, Cognito will fully rule America.

But, sir, my family just started respecting me and...

Can it! I pay you to talk, not to talk. Gigi, you're on media.

I'm gonna soundbite the nation's dick off.

Myc, you're the cutthroat campaign manager.

Is that literal? How much power are we talking about here?

Glenn, you're the injured veteran who we trot out as a prop for sympathy.

I don't want your pity.

Andre, you're probably a millennial.

Go to college campuses and drum up the youth vote.

You know millennials are, like, pushing 40 now, right?

And I'll be the power behind the scenes with my four-dimensional chess.

I can take my manipulation to the next...

You're the doorstop.

What? This is an outrage. I should have let Bear-O destroy you all.

Okay, Dad. What's your real reason for getting involved in this one dumb race?

The Neglectfully Excommunicated Exes Date You Act?

It legally requires all divorced couples to go on a romantic date once a month.

Sex optional. Don't want to overreach.

So you're gonna overthrow the government just to make Mom tolerate a date with you?

Democracy in action.

Brett, Brett, Brett!

Can't we make the intern do this?

Interns don't have self-moistening blowholes.

Stop talking about your holes.

I'm on the line with my old sweatshop connects

trying to get these "Keep Jobs in America" hats on the cheap.

Xin Zhao, Nike.

Where the hell is Brett?

Come on, man.

You're right, Reagan. Time to face the FaceTime.

This FaceTime, it's personal.

What the fuck are you thinking?

Destroying your brother's political legacy.

What are you, a Bush?

I swear it wasn't my idea!

Drop out or we'll disown you.

Fix this, Brett.

Or you'll be as dead to us as the fourth Hand brother, Chad.

- Wait, who? - I've said too much.

If I win, my dad hates me. But if I quit the race, your dad hates me.

There's so many dads!

You know what? Fuck our parents.

What if we secretly sabotage your campaign?

The Deep State wants you to win,

but we can form an even deeper state to lose.

You'd do that for me?

Of course. Get ready to join the deepest state there is. Friendship.

Brett Hand for Senate!

You want me to help you lose the election?

But I've worked so hard to create the perfect candidate.

Look, if I could destroy my political puppet,

you can take down yours.

Come on, Alpha-Beta, destroy me. I'm just begging for it.

It's somehow less fun when you want it,

but I do have an encyclopedic recall of every career-ending political scandal.

Okay, Brett, let's ruin your life.

Oh, thank God. Where do we start?

Can't go wrong with the classics.

What are you into, bad boy?

Whatever you're into.

Well, I'd be into getting more respect from society at large.

You know, I'm... I'm sorry. I'm talking about myself.

No, no, no, no, no. I'm here to listen.

I couldn't help it. The solution just seemed so obvious.

Can you grab a photo of me snorting this maple-flavored cocaine?

Hey, helping out is what being a drug lord's all about, eh?

Okay, here goes.

I've only sniffed Crayola markers before, but this can't be that different, right?

Wow, you did it!

You took out Infamous Canadian drug lord Tony "Maple Leaf" O'Malley!

I did what now?

Wow! A key to the city of Toronto. Wow, man, that's like oh shit.

This feels like a boss key, like in Zelda.

What are you, Ganon? Who's thirsty? I could go for some water.

Let's talk about water.

to put out the fires in California?

They were really nice about it, and I just felt too bad to correct them.

Well, when I'm senator, I'm slashing health benefits for veterans like this.

To be clear, I, Brett Hand, think veterans are dumb babies.

What the hell, Brett?

I moistened 10,000 expired stamps for you.

So many stamps.

Glenn! Don't worry. I learned Dolphin CPR at SeaWorld.

Huh. Always figured if Glenn died from a Seinfeld plot line,

it would've been the no jacking off one.

He can walk again!

This man supports the Marines and aquamarines.

We love you, Brett! You can do no wrong!

Un-fucking-believable.

You somehow even landed the youth vote. How the hell did that happen?

Offshore accounts, bailouts. You can get away with anything!

If you really want to get back at your parents,

vote with them against all their interests.

Nothing matters but the self!

My family is gonna disown me for destroying Jagg's chances.

I need a bigger scandal. Why don't scandals work anymore?

You've entered the modern "infallible zone."

People don't give a shit anymore.

As long as you're their guy, you're bulletproof.

We'll fake Brett's death and once the election is over, come clean.

Oh, right. Because faking your own death worked out so well last time, Reagan.

Redundant much?

We can't afford originality right now, Alpha-Beta.

- We need to kill Brett to save Brett. - I know exactly how I want to die.

Just like my grandfather.

Damn it. Brett's dead?

Well. This is why I collect blood samples. Fire up some Brett clones, DupliKate.

I can't believe it. His DNA is too average to replicate.

Horrifying.

Hm. Something's fishy. And for once, it's not Glenn.

I could run for senator.

Why don't you run for a less dry sandwich, shithead?

Thank you, sir. I love it, sir.

No! No, no! Brett!

Ever wondered why your Medicare covers your nether regions,

but not the undercarriage of the one you love the most?

Swing Low, Sweet Chariots.

You're done, Danica.

Cable news only pushes conspiracies that help our corporate sponsors.

I know Brett's here somewhere.

I can still smell his Axe Body Spray!

Let go of me! Brett! No!

Is Brett really gone? Am I the hottest guy in the office again?

I don't buy it. People fake their deaths like office birthdays around here.

I think we got a Russian nesting doll of deeper states going on.

And Gigi is gonna sniff it out.

To honor the light he brought into our lives,

the extended Hand family,

myself, Taff, Matt, and our various unnamed cousins...

I want to say Brad. Maybe a Brad in there.

Yes.

...will hold a private memorial slash candlelight touch football game

on our family compound.

"Beloved," "honor," "respect."

This is all I've ever wanted!

Do you think they'll mix my ashes with their favorite horses'?

Sure, if that's what a normal insane rich family would do.

This death is the best day of my life!

Yes, you, the guy who looks like he owns a snake.

I read on my own website that the Hand family assassinated Brett

to keep him from beating you.

That's less of a question and more of an accusation!

Go to hell in a handbasket, traitors!

Uh, okay, no more questions.

Look at that outpouring of love from both sides.

Oh, they love you, all right.

Those idiots.

The Hands didn't kill Brett.

Why are conspiracy theorists always wrong?

Whoever's behind this probably killed Harold the head of the flat-Earthers,

and Jeff Bezos.

Okay. Yeah. That was us. Broken clocks, right?

I wouldn't worry about your family.

Which is why tonight the Hand family will get what's coming to 'em.

We are now taking GoFundMe donations for a guillotine.

Why we gotta all wear black?

It makes it hard to know which one of us I am.

'Cause somebody died, moron.

Hut, hut, hut!

Hey, have some respect.

I can't believe that guy's number two at Goldman Sachs.

The Backhanders are at Home Depot getting pitchforks.

We have to warn your family.

We'll send in drones. I just need a high vantage point.

Like that? Little Brett's pimptastic tree fort.

It was featured on MTV's Cribs Junior,

which was sadly cancelled after the 2008 junior housing crisis.

They built you a tree house outside the property?

It has a zip line to the main house,

which I was told to only use for emergencies.

Okay? Yeah. I... I do hear it. It's bad.

- Whoa. - Pimptastic, am I right?

What is all this stuff?

You never said you like crafting.

but my dad told me it would bring shame to the family name

so I put puppeteering on the back burner.

Well, except for on behalf of the shadow government.

Back burner? Then what the hell is this?

Oh, I made that one when I was home for Christmas.

'Sup, bros? The name is Lil Brett,

and the game is helping Brett process his fuh-fuh-fuh feelings!

Damn. If I'd known about all this,

we could have destroyed your candidacy in minutes.

Hey, we all have our coping mechanisms.

"Hand family in danger."

Condolences, Hand family.

Lock doors. Call police.

Perfect. That's way less creepy than their son being alive.

Uh, guys.

Huh?

Oh God, it's the Backhanders! How did they find this place?

- Reddit. - Why is it always Reddit?

Deploy containment net on intruders!

These rich MF-ers even got robot birds.

Kidnap the Hands!

Get them to admit the truth!

Get off our property!

Never. Brett was one of us.

A regular Joe giving it to the elites in the lame-stream media.

Hut, hut, hut.

Jesus, Brett, they're gonna tear each other apart.

You need to go and put an end to this.

But what about Jagg's election?

Who cares? If you don't do something, they'll kill Jagg.

Um, uh... Alpha-Beta. You always know what to say.

There are too many. They're all angry at different things.

Look at their shirts. "Criminalize laws."

"Save the whales, but kill all the bees." "My other Volkswagen is an assault rifle."

What the fuck does that even mean? Libertarians make no sense.

You need to stop being the yes man.

Go down there and tell them all no.

I... I can't.

But I might know someone who can.

- God. Please don't. - You'll only get them murdered quicker.

Praise Brett! We did it!

This proves the conspiracy is real.

Maybe all conspiracies are real.

Oh, that's not good.

Brett. Thank God you're alive to help your brother.

Tell your foam-handed cyber hicks to stand down and vote for Jagg.

Yes, Dad. You're absolutely right.

You have a duty to the Back Hand nation to resume your campaign!

I couldn't agree more.

- What is he trying to say? - Pick a lane.

This is why I didn't want you on my campaign.

You are totally spineless!

So am I!

S'up bitches, Lil Brett here.

I'mma tell you how my boy Brett really feels.

You people just wanted your own ideas shouted back at you,

and they're all terrible!

Call your moms and delete Facebook.

And you only started caring about Brett when you thought he was useful.

Well, Lil Brett says get stuffed.

Brett is done trying to please everybody,

which means I've taught you everything I could, Brett.

- It's time. - What?

Oh, no! Lil Brett.

Don't go towards the light.

No! No! Lil Brett, don't leave me. I'm not strong enough without you.

Don't you dare leave me.

So he learned self-esteem from his own puppet and now it's dead?

The puppet has become the puppet master.

I guess. I... I... I can't follow.

I'm done letting others talk for me.

I'm done with you and done with Jagg.

I'm gonna do what Brett wants.

To go home and buy the domain name for HandPuppetsbyBrett.com.

Brett cares about puppets?

That is, uh, the one dot I cannot connect.

Yeah, that's creepy.

He's an adult man.

I'm too confused to be angry. And that makes me angry!

Brett, I am happy to run unopposed. You heard him, right? No take-backs.

It appears everything has somehow been resolved.

I cannot think of any dangling threads we've missed.

And we managed to get through a mission without killer robots, or monsters,

or some last-minute bananas twist.

Live from Hand Manor, Danica is here to save you, Brett!

Ah, there it is.

No!

Oh, no!

How could I accidentally shoot a loved one?

When you own a gun, there's only a 72% chance of that happening!

Hut, hut, hut. Touchdown!

Brett. You've sullied the family name with your antics,

but you've also saved your brother's life.

So I'm demoting Jagg to son number three for being weak.

What?

Am I... Am I son number one?

I'm keeping that position open for now.

Attaboy, Brett.

Don't worry about Rand.

I'll take the flak for the deeper state debacle.

It's okay. We can handle it.

It's a miracle. Tamiko has responded yes to my summons for a date.

Brett, you're alive again. That's nice.

Wait. How did you get your stupid legislation passed

without Brett in the Senate?

You think Brett was the only politician I was betting on?

Once I got wind you three dipshits were deeper stating us,

we formed an even deeper deeper state and backed another candidate,

the focus group-approved man the camera can't help but love.

Wheelchair Brett from Jagg's commercial?

- Huh. I guess he really did test better. - Then this was all for nothing?

I want a raise, motherfucker!

Shh! Don't rock the boat, Lil Brett.

Oh, you want to double-cross me?

I have seen shit, Brett. I'm not the most shameful thing

you learned to do with your hands in that tree house.

- Oh God. - This is a workplace.

Reagan! He's too empowered. Cut off my hand.

I'd like to see you bitches try.

This is Lil Brett's world. You're all just living in it.

- Okay. - Back off, Ponytail.

I'll eat you like a piranha from the ankles up.

- Nuh-uh. - Good God!

Bow down, bitches.

Whoa! Take it easy, little guy!

- Help! - Die, you...

Fuck!

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