Original subtitles

Please,

give a warm Fan-Tan welcome...

...to Carol Channing.

All right! Yeah!

Ladies and gentlemen, as the great Donn Arden once said,

"Get out of my office.”

♪ You haven’t lived Until you’ve played the Fan-Tan ♪

♪ It’s like being wed Without a wedding ring ♪

♪ Though you’ve climbed the heights ♪

♪ With your name up in lights ♪

♪ Until you’ve played the Fan-Tan ♪

♪ It don’t mean a thing ♪

♪ Television’s just a passing fancy ♪

♪ And movie fame is but an empty thrill ♪

♪ Though you’re on top ♪

♪ Of the heap ♪

♪ You are nothing but a creep ♪

♪ Until you’ve played the Fan-Tan ♪

♪ At the bottom of the bill ♪

♪ Oh, you may be The darling of the critics ♪

♪ And star ♪

♪ In Noël Coward’s ♪

♪ Last play ♪

♪ On the stage, you’re a hit ♪

♪ But you are still illegit ♪

♪ Until you’ve played the Fan-Tan ♪

♪ The dirty, drafty Fan-Tan ♪

♪ The Fan-Tan Hotel, south of the... ♪

♪ Flamingo Wash ♪

- Should we maybe talk a little, too? - Hm.

I do still think of you as a person, not just a body.

I’m so fucking sick of talking to you, you have no idea.

Nice digs. It's like an opulent dorm room.

Yeah, the gold bathroom is particularly subtle.

That is a pile of clothes, not Sheila, in the corner, right?

Right.

And that's the phone you use to talk to me.

And this is where you sit.

Which wall do you stare at?

Mm, that one.

Sometimes that.

It’s gonna be a rude awakening, coming home.

Mm-hmm.

Am I finally gonna get to see this infamous apartment of yours?

- Ruth? - What?

Are you gonna kick your illegal sublet out of the East Hollywood palace?

Actually, I wanted to talk to you about that.

Um, when I get back, maybe we should look for a place.

Together?

Well... yeah.

- I know it’s early, but... - I mean, it’s...

it's pretty early.

Is it? Uh, we talk every night.

- And don't you... - Yeah. No, yeah, maybe...

maybe it... it could work.

Let’s get up. Let's go do something.

Come on, show me Vegas.

What is that?

Okay.

The fuck?

Ignore it.

Don’t fuck me to the song.

I can't help it.

Stop. Stop. No.

No. No. Goddammit. Cherry!

Hi. It's a little early.

Little loud.

I'll turn it down.

What's going on with you?

Just starting my day.

Was he cheating on her?

I heard he got a big job, but I don’t know. He left really fast.

- Really? - Yeah.

Come on, girls. Back to your rooms.

Yes, Miss Hannigan.

- Hey! - Hi, Sam.

Ah! Hey, here he is. How you doing, Russell?

Good, man. Just here to see this one.

You, uh, working out?

Hey, there’s that cameraman's eye, huh?

What, you gonna do some sightseeing or...

Yeah, we’re gonna get something to eat.

Oh, maybe you should take him to that steak place. Boss him around.

Okay.

Oh, uh... uh... uh... Let's just...

- Don't sweat on the suede. - Okay, okay.

Didn’t want to maybe shower?

Well, that would defeat the purpose of sweating, wouldn't it?

All right, look, business is good, the show’s doing great.

We're sold out for the next two weeks. And if we can keep this up,

then the three of us stand to make a lot of money.

That’s good to know. Maybe I can push the money into a pile the shape of my son,

whose childhood I’m missing.

Okay, well, I don’t really know what to say to that. Hi, honey!

Wow!

Don’t mind me. I know you’re having your cabinet meeting.

Um, so Kurt has been doing us a favor while he’s in town,

but we need a ref for the rest of the run.

I... I have a list of available boxing refs,

uh, including a guy who's reffing bouts over at Caesar’s,

but he’s expensive. If anyone cares.

Man, Keith really fucked us, leaving without notice like that.

Fucked us? What about Cherry?

Why can’t Sam do it? He already knows the show.

- No. - That’s a great idea!

Sam, we can both be in the show, huh?

Uh, what the fuck is happening?

- Uh, Mr. Howard? - Yes?

If I could have two minutes of your time.

- Sure. - I'm not just your waiter.

Uh, my name is Steve Mills. I traffic...

...in magic.

Oh, my God, he traffics in magic.

Here. I want you to select a card. Say stop whenever you'd like.

- Stop. - Take the card.

Show your friends.

- And return the card to me. - I see it.

- Okay. - Remember the card.

- Got it. - Now watch.

That's it.

The card is no longer in the deck.

- It’s gone. - What?

Now, pick a piece of fruit.

- The orange! - All right.

The orange it is.

Come on!

- Is that your card? - It is!

It’s the king of spades!

Oh, my God. That is amazing.

Wow!

- Could I have some more coffee, please? - Yeah. Yeah.

Wow!

Um, I would really love to be a part

of your GLOW show, uh, Mr. Howard.

I can do magic before the show, during the show,

- whatever you’d like. - It's on a string.

Okay.

- Careful! - My card.

Thank you so much.

Thank you. We'll let you know if we need any other... food. Um...

Bash. Hey, Bash?

So, we need a ref, not a magician.

Whatever it is you’re thinking, stop.

Stop it. You stop! No, no.

Oh, God!

I’m a voodoo priestess. It’s my goddamn match,

and someone else is gonna be doing the magic?

Well, do you know any magic tricks?

No, but I’m sure David Copperfield over there can teach me.

Jesus fucking Christ.

- Okay, what the hell is going on? - It would be pretty cool

to have some actual magic in the ring.

I mean, Steve could make one of us disappear,

and the other person wrestles, like, an invisible person.

- Just watch me and Kurt. - We doing the routine?

Yeah.

Okay.

Then when we go for the splash, Steve can do his thing.

Then you disappear. I don't know where you are.

Where are you?

- Where is he? Is he here? - Where are you?

- Black Magic, where are you? - What about there?

- You feel the breeze? - Okay. Your breath smells.

- Get out of the ring. - Seriously?

- Yeah, get out. - Are you fucking kidding me?

Come on. It’ll spice up the match.

You gotta admit,

it's been a little stale for the past week.

No, Cherry, I'm not blaming you or anything. I'm just saying.

Okay, okay. Look...

Hey, Cherry, you're struggling.

Maybe Bash adding this stunt-of-the-week is a blessing in disguise.

Let Carmen throw herself around the ring,

you go off to the spa, come back at the end of the show and take a bow.

And then next week, we're back to normal.

Okay.

Y'all want me to disappear so bad, fine.

She's single now?

Are you sure this is how you want to spend your only day in Vegas?

Are you kidding? Vegas pawnshops are the best.

Gambling gone wrong.

Oh, my God.

- Yes! - This place is so depressing.

Are those dentures?

Gambling gone very wrong. Okay, and they have cameras.

- Oh, there you go. - Okay.

Hm.

- In the market for a watch? - Oh, no.

I do have a watch, but I really shouldn’t keep it.

- It’s not mine. - You stole it?

What? No. I...

It’s a loan. And I should give it back.

I’m here with my boyfriend.

Oh, you want to look at some rings, then.

Hm, who doesn’t love rings?

Oh! You meant engagement rings.

- Mm-hmm. - No, I’m good.

Come on!

Here. I can do that one for 500.

I don’t... I...

Mm?

Okay, fine, sure.

Wow! It's...

Hm! It's... It's pretty.

Yeah. This is a little more...

- old-fashioned. - Wow!

Square setting.

If you like, uh, yellow stones.

Oh, wow!

- They are pretty. - Yeah.

I mean, these... I would say, these are the top two.

- They're really just... - You’re engaged to six people?

I was... I left you alone for, like, two minutes.

What do you think? Fan-Tan has a chapel.

- I... I didn't know that. - This is a beautiful girl.

If you don’t buy her a ring, someone else will.

- Oh, no. - Oh, okay.

No, he does not need to buy me anything.

In fact, I would like to buy my wonderful boyfriend this camera.

- Excellent, that's a great idea. - What? No, no, no.

That... What? No, this is too much.

- It's a Nikon. No, I... I was just looking. - Well, I want to get it for you.

Well, that's... that's crazy.

What if we break up, and I'm stuck with this expensive camera?

Are you imagining we're gonna break up?

No, I'm... I'm not. No. No.

- I just mean that it's just... - How much is it?

Three-seventy-five. Hmm?

Oh, that is... that is a good price. Uh...

Goddammit.

Great.

Do you take checks?

Sure.

Perfect!

“Then get the key for the boat and row me out over the lake.

I want to see the sun rise.

Is that prudent?

One would think that you were afraid of your reputation.

- Why not? I don't want to be..." - Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, Little Match Girl. What the fuck are you doing?

I quit that stupid acting class, and I’m teaching myself.

Well, can you teach yourself in your room?

I'm trying to get some work done in here.

I told Ruth I’d stay out. Russell’s visiting.

Fuckin' Russell.

Hey... you want to read something a little newer?

“These towns, they’re all the same.

Screen doors flapping on empty houses.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’ve seen mothers whoring their children,

horses running blind with their eyes shot out.

It ain’t no world out there for a decent man.

You tell me why I shouldn’t put a bullet through my skull

and get the rest I so dearly seek.”

- "I need you." - "Yeah, and what’s that gonna get me?

That need’s not worth much when the sun goes down."

Why doesn’t she respond?

Huh?

Like, she’s his daughter, right?

Yeah, but he doesn’t know that yet.

Yeah, but she does. How old is she?

I... I don't... 18, 19.

How long has she known that he’s her father?

I don’t fucking know.

These are your questions after reading that scene?

- I mean... - Uh...

She's... She's mysterious.

No... I know... I... No, I like... I like mysterious.

I'm just saying the man has a lot of...

...great lines.

And she just...

like, listens.

- And... And asks a lot of questions. - All right, you know what?

Just... Just give me this.

Read-through is adjourned.

I mean, Jesus Christ, one acting class, and all of a sudden, she's...

Sally fucking Field.

I mean, this is why I can't let people read things

before they’re done.

Do you think I could be an actor?

Like... this?

Well, I don’t think Miss Julie ever howled at the moon, so...

Look, I... Hey, I don’t know what to tell you.

It works great for a wrestling show.

Now, could you get the fuck out? Because I have some notes to work through.

Whoa!

Are you kidding me? Juggling eggs?

Here you go. Her name's Debbie Eagan.

Just call the number on the back, and she’ll iron out the details.

I fucking love a drag show.

And they love me.

Ah, you would think that.

Oh, please. I held Sean deLear’s eyelashes for her

while she blow-jobbed us some Valium.

- Oh! - Oh-oh!

I’ll pass.

You have to come. Maybe he’ll do Diana Ross.

- He’d better not do Diana Ross. - Come on, Cherry.

Hey, thanks so much for letting us have the room this weekend.

- I hope it hasn’t been too much trouble. - Oh, it’s fine. Sam took me in.

He did? Well, I hope it wasn’t too crowded with all the hookers.

Actually, we read one of the scenes from his screenplay.

- Ready for dinner? - Actually...

let’s go to Icons. I think it’ll be fun.

What is Icons?

Thank you! Thank you!

It’s Friday night, ladies and gentlemen!

That’s Judd Melkin on the piano.

Huh? Whoo!

It’s hot in here! I’m sweating.

Oh, this is my... My goodness,

my third show of the evening,

which means, well, you get to take me out back and shoot me.

- Harold Arlen will thank you... - Switch seats with me for a second.

- Huh? - Switch.

Why?

...four walls from your seat. Uh-huh.

No, it's intimate. It's intimate.

- Oh, but it's just really wonderful... - How's the visit?

- ...to have all of you here. - Great. We’re at a drag show.

Even those who are here under court order, right?

- Right here, ladies and gentlemen. Yes... - Nice camera.

Oh, thanks. It’s got this, uh,

TTL with a flash thing.

...at the gorgeous Fan-Tan Hotel and Casino.

Right, who clapped?

Is this your husband?

Oh! Sir, you told her this was the Strip, didn’t you?

Well, I hate to break it to you, ma’am. It’s about $200 east.

So, happy anniversary.

Did you ask him to read it?

He asked you?

- Was it just the two of you? - Mm-hmm.

Where's everybody from?

- That's... That's just so odd. - Ladies.

- Ask him if you can read it, too. - Ladies! Ladies!

I did.

Ladies.

- Guys. - Hi!

Only Cher can talk through my show, and she has.

So sorry.

You know what? Let's... Let's... Let's go over here for a second.

A follow spot is supposed to follow, Bev.

Fo... Ah, there we go.

All right. Let's go over here.

Hm!

One man in a murder of women.

You a Mormon?

Ladies, where are your boyfriends?

Your husbands, huh?

Mine's at home with his secretary.

Oh!

Uh, listen, I have heard about you, the wrestler divorcée.

Eh?

Couldn’t find a boy to take my bags up all week.

I think there’s a nice couple from Tulsa still waiting for their car.

No, really, sir. What is your story?

Are you a cult leader? Just...

Uh, uh, I’m, uh, here for the weekend, visiting my girlfriend.

Oh, the chatterbox!

Your boyfriend is only here for the weekend,

and you brought him to my show? Ah.

Dear, go fuck this poor man.

That is what he is here for!

- Go on, get out! Scram. I’m serious! - No, no, no, no, no, no!

I am banishing you!

- Banishing you! - Go fuck!

Bev, light their way.

I wanna hear that elevator ding!

Oh, and finally,

the most interesting person in the room.

Who let Bob Mackie read Jack London?

Where you from?

Where are you from?

Sheila, be nice.

I escaped from a chemical plant in Texas.

But this is real. This is deep.

How long have you been a wolf?

How long have you been Barbra Streisand?

Longer than she has.

Since I was a pup.

When I was her, I could sing.

As me, not so much.

Well, this has been fun.

All right, who wants to hear a song?

Yes! Okay!

He doesn’t let anyone read his stuff.

- Maybe sometimes he does. - Well, yes, but Sheila?

She’s barely an actress. I mean, she took one class.

You wanted him to ask you.

Yes. Sam and I are collaborators.

Then, I don’t know, tell him he hurt your feelings.

I can’t tell him that.

I wonder if he thought I’d be too critical.

If I’d be ahead of it, push too much on a first draft.

Or if, in the reading, he wanted a flatter tone.

- An undecorated read, easier to hear. - Drinks?

- No, thank you. - Jim Beam on the rocks.

Uh, you’re ordering a drink?

For this conversation? Yeah.

Sorry.

I sound like a crazy actress, don’t I?

Yeah, you do.

Uh... You’re not supposed to agree.

Look, I got a pretty good handle on who you are, but...

this weekend, you’ve been fucking nuts.

Excuse me?

I’m here two hours, and you want to move in together.

You try on all these rings.

You buy me this really expensive camera that you know I cannot afford.

Oh, my God, it was a gift!

And you're obsessed with Sam.

Okay, I am not obsessed with Sam.

Whatever, his stupid screenplay. Yeah, you are.

And I don’t want to move in together. I was kidding.

Well, my Portuguese grandfather says there’s truth in every joke.

Well, my Protestant grandfather never said anything.

He died of hypertension, so cheers to our dead grandfathers.

My grandfather's not dead. I told you that.

I’m sorry

if I don’t remember every moment from our phone calls.

Then why are we talking every night?

Hey.

Sorry to interrupt.

You, uh... You a photographer?

Over by the stairs might be a nicer photo.

No, we want it right here. Right where we met.

Yep. The best three weeks of my life.

Even with that foot infection.

You are loud, you are late, you said no to drag.

What is going on? Are you quitting? Because if you are,

as a producer, I need two weeks’ notice,

and Bash will replace you with a sword swallower, so...

Come in.

I will be just a minute. Um, just make yourself comfortable.

- He's... He's... He's juggling. - Don't mind him.

The new match felt great tonight.

I'm gonna be so sore tomorrow, but the crowd ate it up.

Yeah.

What?

I don’t know how you can do the same show night after night.

I’m bored, and I’ve only been here a week.

What are you talking about? We just changed a whole match.

That’s bullshit.

There’s no story lines. No drama.

Well... thanks, I guess.

Look...

I’m proud of you.

You’re better now than half the guys I work with.

Plus, you’re creative. You’ve got a mind for this.

You should come on the road with me.

Do some real wrestling. I think you’re ready.

I can’t leave GLOW. The girls depend on me.

You can do so much more than this.

Where you off to next?

Phoenix. Then Sacramento.

- Bring me back a T-shirt? - I always do.

- Okay, stop moving. - It’s tight.

I know!

Oh! I’ve never really known if I was a soprano or an alto.

Because I can sing really high, but I've also got low notes.

- Oh, I’m an alto when I rap, for sure. - Maybe you’re a mezzo.

- A mezzo. - Maybe.

Aw!

Oh, look at him.

Ah! Honey, wake up.

Sorry, babe. I just had meetings all day with the acrobats, and jugglers,

and a baby... tiger wrangler.

I want you to meet Bobby Barnes.

We all just went to his show downstairs, and it was so incredible!

- Ohhh! - Oh!

I'm gonna get the champagne. He’s gonna teach me how to sing.

Oh.

Are you sure I'm not interrupting? Do you need to sleep?

- No, no, no. Please, sit down. - All right.

They beat those tigers.

- They do? - Yeah.

I’m not surprised everyone’s trying to get an audience

with the Howard Foods prince.

- My son loves your baked beans. - Hey!

- Eats them right out of the can. - I'll have them send over a case.

Oh, thanks.

- So, you’re a singer? - Yeah. And I’ve got a good show,

if I may say so myself.

- I’ve been here ten years, eleven in June. - Wow!

I hope you don’t mind one last pitch from a desperate performer.

- Please. Any friend of Rhonda’s. - All right.

Downstairs, they’re turning people away,

- and yet I can’t get a bigger room. - Huh!

And there's not a hotel out that window that hasn’t,

pardon my language, fucked me

with a four-wall deal.

I pay to play, and I'm cheap, Mr. Howard,

but I have made money for lots of loathsome people,

who’d let me die on the street if it weren’t for the butts in the seats,

and now... I’d like to make money for you.

Oh!

Yeah. You are, by all accounts,

- non-loathsome. - Thank you.

You care about your performers, and you pay them well.

Word travels.

- You really should come and see my show. - Yeah, I definitely will.

Well, come to the late show. We’ll have a drink after.

It might have to be the early show. Tonight notwithstanding,

my wife and I typically like to go to bed early,

- so... - Yeah.

So do my wife and I.

Excuse me?

I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to...

I do have a son. He’s seven.

- Uh-huh. - His mother was a very dear friend.

I couldn’t resist putting a little spread together.

Wow, this is wonderful.

- Isn’t she something? - Yeah.

There you are.

- Thanks. - Cheers.

- To new friends. - Cheers.

I wake up,

I think about Keith.

So... I just try to keep moving.

After we lost the baby...

- ...I was so scared. - I know.

But he... he said that it didn’t matter. He said that...

- that we... we were enough. - Look,

I love Randy, but sometimes, I... Ugh. Oh, God.

Sometimes I think about how much easier it would be...

You... You don’t have to whisper.

If I never had a baby!

And I'd never gotten married!

A clean slate.

I don’t want a clean slate.

I want... I... I want Keith. I love being married to him.

Well, sure, we all do. But I had a baby to put something

between my husband and the door, and guess what?

Husbands will... step over anything.

You wanna go in the hot tub?

- Yes, I do. - Yay!

- No, I don't. - No.

I’m too high to leave the room.

- Plus, Cherry? - Hm?

- I can’t really go downstairs. - Why?

I fucked both valets, the Flamingo entrance and the Paradise.

And the night bartender

and the baccarat dealer whose table faces the elevator.

Oh... my... God.

I left a juggler in my room.

Oh, shit, girl. Youse gettin' it on!

Wait, what... Do... Do you need to go get him?

- No, no, no. He’ll leave when he’s hungry. - Ah.

Good point.

Damn, that many?

Cherry, wanna hear my fake flute?

Yes.

I give them three months.

To live? Yeah.

I couldn’t really afford that camera.

Well, I don’t think you can return something to a pawn shop.

You’re not crazy. I was being a dick.

It’s not your fault.

It’s the distance, and then that puts so much pressure on the visit.

And... this place can make you a little crazy.

It’s one more month. We can do one more month, right?

And if it’s making us crazy, let’s not talk every night.

Let's... Let's talk every other night.

- I don't want to hold you back. - You’re not holding me back. Hey...

Should we go upstairs?

Yeah, Barbra Streisand seemed pretty serious.

♪ Yes ♪

♪ Say yes ♪

♪ Life keeps happening every day ♪

♪ Say yes ♪

♪ When opportunity comes your way ♪

♪ You can't start wondering what to say ♪

♪ You'll never win if you never play ♪

♪ Say yes ♪

♪ There's mink and marigold Right outside ♪

♪ And long white Cadillacs you can ride ♪

♪ Nothing's gained If there's nothing tried ♪

♪ Say yes ♪

♪ Don't say why ♪

♪ Say why not ♪

♪ What lies beyond what is ♪

♪ Is not ♪

♪ So what? ♪

♪ Say yes ♪

♪ Yes, I can ♪

♪ Yes, I will ♪

♪ Yes, I'll take a sip ♪

♪ Yes, I'll touch ♪

♪ Yes, of course ♪

♪ Yes, how nice ♪

♪ Yes, I'll happily, thank you very much ♪

♪ Yes, oh, yes ♪

♪ Yes ♪

♪ There's lots of chaff ♪

♪ But there's lots of wheat ♪

♪ Say yes ♪

♪ You might get mugged As you walk the street ♪

♪ But, on the other hand You might reach ♪

♪ That handsome stranger You've longed to meet ♪

♪ Say yes ♪

♪ Yes, I'll look ♪

♪ Yes, I'll walk ♪

♪ Yes, I'd love to do such and such ♪

♪ Yes, I'll try ♪

♪ Yes, I'll dare ♪

♪ Yes, I'll fly ♪

♪ Yes, I'll share ♪

♪ And, yes, I am ♪

♪ And, yes, I'll be ♪

♪ And, yes, I'll go ♪

♪ Oh, yes ♪

♪ Yes ♪

Well?

No.

No, I don't think this is a Bash Howard production.

Oh, um...

You know, my wife...

I think she'd be interested in voice lessons, though.

You remember her?

That’d be wonderful.

Baltimore.

I’m from Baltimore.

I loved your show.

How long has it been since you washed that?

Where in Baltimore?