Original subtitles

- Hi, we're here for the show. - Shh!

Ruth, we've got four late arrivals.

Copy. Front row on the left.

Let's go.

Two-on-one. I'm calling a two-on-one.

Oh! And here come the Biddy Sisters, dropping off a clothesline

like a bag of dirty laundry!

Would someone please call the ASPCA? 'Cause this is animal cruelty!

Excuse me! You can't go up there. Oh! Hey, it's you.

Hey.

Edna Rosenblatt just hammering on the Wolf.

Oh, boy, this is a classic example of nature versus nursing home!

Russell! Let's turn on the audience, all right?

Phil, stay put. I'm liking that frame up here.

Hey, find me some energized faces, will you?

Oh, come on.

Ooh. Keep trying.

Hey, you know you're supposed to lose this match, right?

- I'll only go when it's my time! - It's your time.

And she's up again!

Whoa!

Why is this match not over?

What? I'm working.

I can't find my house key.

In the jacket, on the chair.

And she's down again!

- One, two, three! - And she's staying down.

That's it, ladies and gentlemen, the Biddies win!

It's a victory for the old and aged!

One final glimmer of glory before they're both six feet under!

Finally!

Are you ever coming home for dinner?

'Cause there's no food in the house.

Just take 50 out of the wallet.

That's a lot. Guess I'll use the extra on drugs.

Wanted to make sure Justine found you.

Oh! I guess she did.

What is it about live taping that you women don't understand?

So, since I'm not wrestling, do you want me to do anything?

Why don't you just assume that I don't need anything,

and that I don't want to see you, okay?

Up next!

The match of the century! And the show's...

Hey, sir! Hey!

Whoa! The show's not over! Have a seat, you old timer!

Cool!

Is it just me or is this show dragging hairy ass?

It's harder than it looks.

Probably be a lot better if he put his best wrestler in

instead of punishing her for making that boss-as-hell title sequence.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, the moment you've all been waiting for.

She's a mother and a fighter, a true red-blooded American hero.

The beautiful Liberty Belle!

- Synced & corrected by MementMori - -- www.addic7ed.com --

Liberty Belle, how does it feel knowing

that you won the crown fair and square,

only have it stolen by The Welfare Queen?

We do not work just to see all

the spoils go to freeloaders!

If Welfare Queen wants the crown,

she's gonna have to fight me for it in a real match!

Does she get better lighting than us now that she's a producer?

No, that's just the internal glow that comes from power.

Buy yourself something pretty, baby!

Yeah, wake up, stupid!

Smartest thing you could ever do!

I think the set looks way better on TV than it does in person.

Do you know what it's like?

Ah! Real American royalty!

Are you ready?

Looks like Welfare Queen isn't fighting anyone today!

Look, I'm sorry you're being punished for my mistake.

With Sam.

He's angry, and I think that's why you had to fight Beirut this week

instead of Zoya.

No, no. That's not why. Liberty Belle already vanquished Zoya.

Now she's chasing Welfare Queen.

You're not the center of the story, Ruth.

Great.

Well, I think the episode turned out great.

Do you think Sam liked it?

Thursday's show dragged.

Matches were too long.

When I cut away to the audience, it looked like they'd just eaten,

- like, a big Thanksgiving dinner. - Sam, sorry to interrupt.

Should I sit with the girls just in case

you have any notes for the announcer?

Or do you want me to stay up here with you?

What?

I'll just stay up here with you. Carry on.

Okay. So...

from here on out, instead of shooting five bloated matches

that I have to Frankenstein together in editing,

we're just gonna film three.

So you'll audition matches for me the Wednesday before the show,

and I will pick the best three matches.

Wait, so we're not all gonna be on TV every week?

Correct.

That was Bash's idea. He thought you could use the incentive.

Right. Yes. Originally my idea was gonna be a cash bonus,

but then I looked into it, and we can't afford it.

But then Sam said, "You know what else is a great incentive? Fear."

No, competition. I said "competition."

Yes, you did. Classic mistake.

I love competition. Thins out the herd, encourages innovation...

Great. All right, so these are the matches

I want to see at this week's auditions:

All right, Welfare Queen, still ducking.

Britannica versus Sheila.

All right? Beirut versus Machu.

Liberty Belle versus Fortune Cookie,

and Biddies versus Melrose.

Ooh, goody! Youth versus decrepitude!

- Define youth. - Not you!

Sam. Sam.

Yeah?

What about me?

Oh, yeah. Uh... Zoya versus Junkchain.

Yolanda?

She just started training. She doesn't know any moves.

She had moves when I saw her.

Yeah, right, I got those kind of moves,

but with wrestling, I'm like level one.

Yeah, but you know, between your "can do" spirit

and her "will do anything" spirit,

I think you'll figure something out.

and, you know, Carmen's always here for help with the technical stuff.

All right? All right, let the games begin!

Carmen, can I get a session?

- Second dibs. - Third.

That's not fair. You two are in the same match,

and Yolanda and I need the most help.

It's not a needs-based system. it's a dibs-based system.

Sorry. Dibs is law.

See you later.

I think that went well. Hey, Sam, I've been meaning to ask you.

- What do you think about a team dog? - No.

- How about a ferret? - No.

Hey! The next time you boys have a production meeting,

you want to include all the producers?

What production meeting? We had drinks.

Yeah, we would have invited you,

but someone had to go home to their baby.

Okay, well, next time tell me that there's a meeting,

and I won't go home.

Look. We've got six days to figure out

all these matches, rehearse them,

film them, edit them, put them on the air,

before the whole process begins again.

I don't have time to brush my teeth,

let alone check in with you

every time I need to make something happen.

Okay, well, what about this? I'll make dinner tonight.

We'll get a bunch of bourbon, and you boys come over

and we'll all go over the show for the week.

I can't.

I've got a kid.

You're referring to the 16-year-old

you're letting run wild around Los Angeles?

Oh, my God. That's clearly a priority.

Eight o'clock. She can find babysitting.

What are you doing?

I'm making a suicide vest to blow myself up.

For the show.

That's my concept.

Kill Beirut, who I hate.

But then,

out from the smoke,

a new character arises.

Phoenix!

She'll have like red and yellow face paint

and these red and yellow streaks coming out of her hair.

She'll be like a living flame.

Nimble.

Seductive.

Ethnically neutral.

I hope Sam says yes so I can make that costume.

That sounds rad.

Yeah, totally rad.

Thanks.

What are you guys gonna do?

Oh, we don't know yet.

- How about you guys? - Don't tell her anything!

When I was audience coordinator for Family Feud, we'd crank up the AC.

That wakes them up good.

Wonder if this place even has AC.

Hmm. Also, you'd have to make sure the girls don't get too... nippley

Right. Nipples.

Okay. Bash, I will see you tonight.

I am going to make fondue.

And I gave Sam the address, in case you guys want to carpool.

And just bring your appetite.

Carpool, yes! I've read about that.

Oh, we're having a team dinner!

Good idea!

To boost morale!

No, sorry. It's just directors and producers only,

but Tammé, I would love that, next time.

Is it the chairs?

Are they too comfortable?

So, how long would it take for me to learn that thing

where I bend backwards and smash you on the mat?

A suplex?

A long time.

We're not gonna get on the show through wrestling alone.

What if I wear a string bikini?

No! I would never ask you to do that.

You finally left that life.

Your job is doing G-rated girl-on-girl in a one-piece.

Okay? You're not far from "that life."

I'm not a stripper.

Oh, neither am I.

Full-time. Just once a week, when my ex bartends.

I like to torture her by taking my clothes off.

You like girls?

I love girls.

Cool. Does Sam know?

Does he need to know about our personal life?

Does Sam know about you and that camera guy?

What? Russell?

I'm not fucking Russell.

Wait, what?

That guy has been all over you. You need to hit that.

I don't want to... do that.

Oh, relax!

Don't be so uptight. Put your shoulders down.

I'm not uptight. I just...

take my job very seriously, and I don't need to mix...

- Mm-hmm. - "hitting it" with it.

Ooh, shit!

This song!

Turn it up, turn it up!

Thank you.

Whoo!

This is it!

This is how we get on the show! Can you teach me that?

You know it.

I'm doing it!

Three, four, five.

Oh, what?

Hey.

Oh, my God.

Are you doing a white-girl-trying- to-break-dance act for the match?

No, we're doing a white-girl-does-break-dance act.

That's spot-on.

White girls definitely talk like that.

- Night. - Night.

Hey, you're not going to this dinner tonight, right?

Debbie's? No. Definitely not.

Okay, 'cause I thought the whole idea of her getting a producer title

was just to, like, make the star happy.

It is.

Okay, good, 'cause I'm the producer, right? I mean...

She didn't even put any money into this.

Okay. Come here.

All right. Okay.

Women. You know what I mean?

It's like, first they want a room of their own.

And then they want a seat at the table.

And they even want us to come and eat at that table.

Even when that table is all the way out in Pasadena.

And I'm like, "What happened to the room?"

Pretty cool place, right?

That's the stage?

It's cool, babe.

All right? You know where I'll be, in the pit with the people.

Hey!

Great house!

Ooh, I love that étagère!

What are you doing?

I'm sorry.

They're not coming.

I know. I was surprised, too. I love fondue!

Hey, how are you fucking posers doing?

- Fuck you! - Asshole!

Thanks to Mr. Toad's Wild Ride for having us.

This song is called Mourning in America.

"Mourning" with a U.

One, two, three, four!

♪ Big business, big business ♪ ♪ Take 'em for what they're worth ♪

♪ Disposable cable, disposable values ♪

♪ Rotting indoors ♪

♪ Fortress in the valley ♪

♪ They're glued to their TVs ♪

♪ My guidance counselor says ♪ ♪ What do you wanna do? ♪

♪ It's mourning in America ♪ ♪ A city on the edge ♪

♪ A smiling streak of people... ♪

Excuse me.

I'm standing right here.

Hello, assholes! You're blocking me!

Then fucking move!

Seriously?

Hey!

Come on, let's go!

Justine! What the fuck? I'm playing a show!

Fuck you, Billy! Sell your own fucking merch!

When you and I fight, it needs to be the match of the century.

Like Rocky and Apollo.

We gotta build up to it.

Well, I mean, I think we are. Right?

That's why Sam is having you duck,

to build suspense.

No, it's not enough. You guys gotta do more!

Posters. Radio ads. Billboards. Can we afford billboards?

I mean, I have no clue.

Then find out. You're a producer.

Well, it turns out, being a producer is...

Well, it's like your plastic crown.

Just because it's shiny and you fought for it

doesn't make it worth more than... a party favor.

Those boys don't listen to me.

They will, once you give them what they need.

Tammé, which is what?

I've had a lot of jobs.

I was a bookkeeper. I was a meter maid.

I worked at a factory where they made airline food.

And if I've learned one thing, if you want to be respected,

you gotta make yourself useful.

Unless you're a white man. Then you just have to show up

and wait around and eventually get promoted.

You made airline food?

Yeah. It was an assembly line.

I was on Mongolian beef. At least, that's what they called it.

Wear a hair net and just doled out slop all day from a huge trough.

Oh, my God! That's disgusting!

Yeah. I had that job for seven years.

It's late.

I gotta drive over the hill.

But thank you for the fondue.

My pleasure.

I'm glad we had this...

this nemesis time.

Right? Oh. Whoa.

You okay? Are you okay to drive?

I'm fine.

Emergency rations.

Sugar wakes me the fuck up!

Candy! Cheaper than drugs!

Tastes better than coffee.

That's true, everybody likes candy.

What happened to your head?

I got in a fight.

I called you to pick me up, but surprise, surprise.

You didn't answer your phone.

Because you don't give a shit.

I thought it was my ex-wife!

Jesus Christ.

Leave a message, so I can hear what I'm getting into.

Oh, what? You're leaving now?

Where you gonna go?

Sacramento?

No. I told you, I can't go back there.

Rosalie's fucking crazy!

Okay, so where, then?

All right, come on. Just... relax. Just relax.

Let me see.

Oh, yeah.

So what do you... Oh, is this what you use? Is this the...

the punk rock way to dress a wound?

You should put this on all the t-shirts. Maybe they'll sell better,

give them some real punk credibility.

I don't know how old this is,

but I don't think this stuff goes bad, right?

Okay.

Let's see. This is what you need.

You just kind of...

Just give it to the person.

And yeah. Dab it.

All right? It's all right? Better?

- Yeah. - All right.

You know...

Just 'cause you appear and want things doesn't mean

that I suddenly become a different person.

Just stay, all right? Just stay here.

You know, we'll have awkward dinners a few times a week.

You know, maybe once a week, some weeks.

I don't know. Something.

Yeah, I want you to. I want you to.

All right?

But...

you're gonna have a curfew.

Especially on school nights.

I don't go to school.

Right. That's another thing that's gonna change.

My kid's not gonna be a high school dropout.

Whoa!

Slow down with the discipline, Pops.

Don't stop me. I'm just... I'm just finding my parental voice.

It's gone.

Oh, you're here already.

Oh, hey. Morning.

- Brought you something. - What is this, candy?

It's not just candy. They're Nerds. It's 1985 candy of the year.

Hmm. Well, I appreciate you trying to suck up,

but I'm an adult male,

and I'll have to say no, thank you.

Oh, what are those? Nerds? I love these! They're like Grape Nuts,

except instead of being healthy and delicious, they're just... sugar.

Yeah, so, Sam, you're not getting it at all.

This is how we're gonna keep the audience awake.

All right, well, call me idealistic, but I was kind of hoping the show

would keep the audience awake.

Yes, yes, Sam. Be that as it may,

the performers feed off the energy of the crowd.

I know, as a performer myself.

Glad you like it, Bash.

So, I have three cases in my car. Let's just move on.

All right. Let's get started.

Hey! Turn that music down, you delinquent!

How are we supposed to nap when you're

blasting that portable controller?

It's called a boombox, grandma!

- Oh, we'll show you a boom! - Oh, yeah?

I'm gonna kick your ass with my eye mask on!

Send her my way!

Get over here!

Take a trip down Memory Lane! Oh, yeah!

Eat Aqua Net, hag!

My skin!

My eyes are burning!

My face is melting!

What? What's happening?

Made in Three Mile Island!

This is radioactive! Should have been recalled!

- Smoke effects! - Smoke effects!

- I'm Nuke! - And I'm Ozone!

We're the Toxic Twins!

We've transformed!

Wait! No, no, no! Please! Please! I didn't mean anything by it!

I'll turn it down!

- Too late! - Too late!

- Hi-yah! - Oh!

Time to take an ooze cruise!

Mutant metamorphosis! I love it!

- That was so good! - You think we're gonna make it?

- Oh, we're gonna be stars of the show! - Hey!

The transformation gimmick. That was my idea.

I'm sorry, we just couldn't be old ladies any more.

It was weighing on our self esteem.

But you'll do fine!

I'm sure your version of your idea is better!

All right, so I guess we're gonna see a lot of gimmicks today.

We don't have a gimmick.

We just want this to be about pure, technical wrestling.

So, does any of that technical wrestling

have something to do with a...

shop window male mannequin?

Oh, no. This is just Thomas.

He's my lover.

Yeah, I made him out of spare parts after a real man broke my heart.

All right, let's see the wrestling.

Ha ha!

All right. Well, that was... good.

So, the...

I don't understand. Are you gonna engage with the...

- mannequin at all, or... - Engaged?

Sam, we've only been on one date, okay?

Okay. Next.

I will never sign your peace treaty!

And then I blow... This a detonator. I blow up.

Shock. Smoke everywhere.

She's coughing in the corner. And I...

Out from the smoke, I become my new character.

Phoenix.

All right. You know, we've already got a

thing where someone magically changes

into another thing.

So... what else you got?

I didn't really have that much extra time this week 'cause I was...

helping the rest of the girls, but...

What if we reveal we're sisters? Or ghosts?

All right, so you have nothing.

We have that.

We can speak French.

Okay. Next.

But thank you for your time. Thank you for your vulnerability.

Next!

Yo, you seen Zoya?

That crazy Russian's been chasing me everywhere.

She wants to fight me, but I don't want to fight tonight.

I got plans.

Oh... You!

Why will you not accept the challenge of Zoya?

Man, first of all, I don't even know you.

Second, tonight, I was gonna go down to Beat Street.

Beat Street?

What is that?

Come on, you know! Beat Street!

Breaking, popping and locking,

being fresh.

Oh! You mean American ghetto dancing!

I have always wanted to try this, but in Soviet Union,

only ballet is permitted.

And being fresh is punishable crime.

Well, lucky for you,

You're in the USA now.

Drop the beat!

Wow!

I could never do that!

Do it.

Agh! I can't! I am too rigid!

Just feel the beat.

You're not bad, for an uptight Russian.

Perhaps audience will enjoy this alternative to wrestling,

as part of larger entertainment.

All right, so the old ladies turning into

gremlins when wet, that's in.

Oh, no duh! Goes without saying!

And three makes it unanimous. So, perfect.

And with Liberty Belle versus Fortune Cookie headlining,

we still need one match.

Carmen?

Nah, she had nothing.

What about Zoya and... the new girl?

- No. - Why not?

Because it wasn't even real wrestling!

Yes, Sam, I know it wasn't real wrestling.

But you were the one who said you wanted to break up the repetition

and maybe this is what helps keep the energy flowing.

Kind of like those halftime games at the football shows.

Debs, what do you think?

I thought they were great.

No. I'm not putting Ruth in.

Why? Because you're not done punishing her?

You know she's good. Otherwise, you would have fired her

and not Reggie, and this is me, giving Ruth a complement.

Sam, you gotta do what's best for the show.

Are you hiding from everybody?

Nope. Just you.

Are we back to joking again?

I'm not joking.

Thank you for choosing my match.

I will not disappoint you. Or maybe I will, but I will...

It will not be my intention...

I can still cut you from the match.

I could just run Yolanda's side.

Just her dancing.

Or I could run ten minutes of a Christmas log.

Okay.

I'm going. I'm going. Sorry.

Enjoy your personal space.

Oh! What is that?

Nothing, just the cable connected to the camera

that makes the whole show possible.

Sorry.

Thanks for the tug job, though.

I'm sorry.

Years of porn.

Not funny. And sleazy.

- Let me start over. Hi. - Hi

Nice to see you. Have a good match.

- Thanks. - Hey!

Hey, Camera One, can't you hear me screaming into your cans?

I have nothing on the monitor up here.

Technical issue.

Uh-huh. Why don't you get it fixed? We start the show in ten minutes.

Did I break it?

Let's see.

Okay.

Zoya, who are you fighting tonight?

Am fighting sexy dancer girl who has moves like this.

I'd like to see Star Wars systems fight that off! Oof!

Ooh, I'm red scared!

- Synced & corrected by MementMori - -- www.addic7ed.com --