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[dramatic music playing]

[horse whinnies]

[man grunts]

Charge!

[all yelling]

[women screaming]

[clamoring]

[horse whinnies]

[woman screaming]

[swords clanging]

[man grunts]

Send in the second wave.

[war cry]

[gun fires]

Julia.

[man speaks indistinctly]

Cue the screaming women.

[women screaming]

Kill! Kill!

Got a light, mate?

[laughs]

Cut. Break.

[both grunting]

Cut.

Cut.

Fantastic.

-You've got some well growth. -[man] Yup.

Perfectly disciplined.

We have got some excellent footage.

-Good. -Bismark wasn't too impressed.

Ah, yes. Well, he's a cultured hound.

He thinks that people who work for a living are common.

Is that what you think it is?

-Working for a living? -Yup.

[scoffs]

[laughing]

["Deathcheaters" playing]

♪ Higher ♪

♪ Higher ♪

♪ Fly high and reach for the sky ♪

♪ Deathcheater ♪

♪ You should fly, playing with fire ♪

♪ Deathcheater ♪

♪ Haven't you known this town Late it seems? ♪

♪ Haven't you built your world On dreams? ♪

♪ Didn't you gamble each moment on? ♪

♪ Could you be wrong? ♪

Can I help?

What with?

You seem depressed.

I'm anxious.

I can never bear to let the mixture stand.

I know I should, but once the ingredients are in, I'm always impatient for taste.

[chuckles] Forgive the culinary illusion.

But it's moments like these, my mind

roams to food.

Shall I send out for a sandwich?

Ah.

That would be tempting.

But no.

I think you'd better send for the car.

[engine accelerating]

[director yells] Quiet, everybody!

Turn there.

Anticor. Four, take ten.

Action.

Hi.

If you could get a really clear view of the underside of your car,

you'd probably find the telltale signs of rust.

But not if you'd protected your vehicle with Anticor under seal compound.

Look at it like this.

And you'll see what I mean.

[director] Cut.

-Look, Steven, it's fine. -[Steve] Yeah?

It was fine, but, well, to be brutally honest, I,

I… I didn't follow your motivation.

-You did what to where which? -You follow?

Yes, sure.

"Speak the words clearly and hold up the pack."

That's all I have been asked to do.

-Yes, but I'm asking for more. -Then you get Lawrence Olivier.

Steve, I don't understand your position.

Making commercials is extremely creative.

I mean, why does it matter to you that people should buy this Anticor?

Sunshine, it doesn't matter to me if they drink it.

[sighs] Exactly.

[siren blaring]

[gun fires]

Hey, Steve.

[gun fires]

[siren wails]

[siren powers down]

I don't like to see that sort of thing.

I don't like to see that sort of thing and not be part of it.

That's what I meant.

[engine revs]

Hey, come back here!

You can't do this to me.

I'll have you blacklisted.

You'll never work again!

Would you like more money?

[light instrumental music]

You all right?

I'm all right.

What are you doing?

Being motivated.

-[engine roars] -[tires screech]

Vice, this is Hilda Handcuff.

The pickup is confirmed.

[rock 'n' roll music playing]

[tires screech]

[man] You think he's trying to tell us something?

[Steve] That's dangerous.

[gunshot]

[car screeching]

[thudding]

[tires screeching]

There goes your no claim bonus.

I'm not insured.

[engine roaring]

[crashes]

Would you like a few kidneys for the dog?

Here, what you think you're doing?

That's a kilo, you know.

-[engine revving] -[tires screeching]

[Steve] Cover him, Rod. Come, on your feet.

You got a bit of explaining to do, mate. You can't just steal meat.

And not pay for it.

Not as bad as it seems, mate.

Eh? There's two of them, sergeant,

arrest them, they stole the meat.

-And that one was with him as well. -[officer] Okay, Yeah. You all right?

It's the wrong one.

All right. Don't tell me, Batman and Robin, huh?

Well, we were just passing, Sarge.

Incidentally, you owe this gentleman a leg of lamb.

-Aye. -What's going on here?

These men are wanted by the police.

Look, I picked this one for the wrong one

-as soon as he walked in the shop. -Not them. Them.

Yeah, them.

Thanks for your efforts anyway.

Broke the monotony.

Yeah. Life, gets tedious, huh?

Not really.

Does the old buzz good to give it a run every now and then.

Burns off the gunge.

I guess it does.

I assume they're not wanted for double parking.

No, a bank job.

Gretchen Security down in the city.

-How was their score? -Nothing.

They tripped the alarm.

Shoved the staff in the vault, spun the tunnel and off like smoke.

-Lovely. -Lovely.

I've gotta wait for the general manager

to get back from Melbourne so I can get him out.

-How'd the thieves get in? -Chief Clark's got a key.

-Well, there you go then. -Chief Clark's inside the vault.

Oh, good luck then.

I don't need the good luck, the people inside the vault need that.

If I don't get an air hose in there soon, they'll suffocate.

-What are we waiting for? -[Rodney] Let's go.

[engine starts]

[suspenseful music playing]

[officer] Very good of you blokes to offer to help.

Sure you mean well.

As Sergeant Dunfree told you,

the only way of introducing an airline is by the external wall.

All the interior walls are fully steel reinforced.

The external isn't.

I'm sure you can see why.

[Steve] Yes.

Now, is there a plan of the building showing the location of the vault?

Yes. This is Mr. Langham, the building manager.

-How do you do? -How do you do?

Mr. Langham, could you show me where the vault is?

Certainly.

Uh, here we are.

I know, sir.

Hardly worth bringing a car into the city anymore.

-Got a plan? -To be booked?

-What's that? -Done for parking contrary to notice.

Not my department.

-What do you think of that? -Not strong.

Have we got a plan?

-Certainly have. -Good. Tell the sergeant what our plan is.

We're not gonna pay your bloody fine.

[suspenseful music playing]

I hope they can hold their breath.

It's not the fastest way down.

[dramatic music playing]

How much further, Steve?

Uh, you've got about another six foot.

That the mark?

Yeah, that's about it.

Right. I'll be there.

[drilling]

Ready for the air line?

Yup. Send it down now.

Bring up the air line.

Here she comes.

[Rodney] All right.

Air line's through.

Magnificent. Let me shake you by the hand.

[Rodney screaming]

I believe relief is at hand.

[chuckles]

There you are, Bruce.

[enchanting instrumental music playing]

-Well? -Well, what?

Anything in the paper?

I wasn't looking.

[clicks tongue]

You've been studying the morning paper

-to see if they-- -I have not.

You're arrogant, and you're conceited, and that's exactly why--

I just thought a reference would be good for business.

And was there a reference?

-No. -You did look.

Oh, a glance, you know, just a glance.

Hah!

"Hah"? That's very meaningful, that is.

Would it have been good for business if you had been shot dead?

-Uh-huh. -"Uh-huh" is worse than "hah."

That's what's getting at you, is it, that I could've been shot dead?

Yes. It's terribly orthodox of me, isn't it?

-But I wasn't shot dead. -You didn't make the papers either.

You knew what I did when you married me.

Leading the Norman cavalry armed with a rubber sword

is not what we're discussing.

We do not use rubber swords.

Yesterday's extravaganza is what we're discussing.

It was my responsibility as a… citizen.

But you have a wife now, Steve.

You can't keep on playing like you're one of the Three Musketeers.

We were only helping the police.

It was reckless derring-do, and you know it.

Derring-do?

Where did you get that from? Some boy's own book?

What do you think I am anyway, some big kid?

Sure.

Jumping off of rooftops and setting fire to your pants.

I don't really go for that. but at least that's under control.

But it's all the same thing. It's a sign of immaturity.

Sign of--

[explosion]

[gunfire]

[explosion]

Bit of a warm welcome.

Much as a private property.

Yeah, too right.

You didn't bring any sandwiches with you, did you, mate?

I might have a biscuit.

-What's your name? -Rodney.

-Steve. -G'day.

How are ya?

Listen, kid.

It all goes back a very long way.

And I don't know whether you'd understand.

I might.

Yeah, well, one day I might explain.

[sniffs]

[exhales]

Listen, Bismark, old mate.

Don't judge me by your standards, okay?

I mean, I admire your style, you Puritan dog,

but look, this girl is really special.

On the level this time, I'm serious about her.

So don't say anything, okay?

Her name is Wendy.

I think.

Yeah, Wendy. You will really like her.

[doorbell rings]

Here we go.

I do hope this is not an inconvenient moment.

Splendid dog you have.

-Shall we go? -I was expecting visitors.

She'll wait.

They always do.

Who are you?

I'm a professional gunman,

and I wonder if you would mind accompanying me.

Yes, I would.

Then I wonder if you would mind accompanying him.

[barks]

Well when you put it that way,

Not at all.

If I'm not back by morning, call the police.

[barking]

[elevator dings]

Put up much of a fight?

Not much, no. You?

Not really.

No.

Any way out?

Well, the fire escape's closed. There's only the lift.

Any idea who they are?

Yeah, I think it's a set up for This Is Your Life.

Why didn't you give 'em a fight?

I didn't feel motivated.

-You're nothing without a director. -No, just raw talent, baby.

I was expecting a ravishing lady called Wanda.

Bismark will look after her.

I know. He's a lousy dancer.

[elevator dings]

-As soon as the door opens. -Got it.

Gentlemen, if you could spare the time.

My chief will be delighted to entertain you to drinks

before we run you home.

I feel a bit silly.

Mm-hmm.

[indistinct chatter]

Ah, delighted you could make it.

Thank you, Dawkins.

Hello, my name is Culpepper.

Actually, it's nothing of the sort.

But as far as you're concerned, it's Culpepper.

Unless you prefer something else. I'm not particular.

Just as long as I can pronounce it.

What is happening?

Good, then it's agreed.

I should call you, uh, Steve and Rod.

And you should call me Mr. Culpepper.

That's the advantage of seniority,

age and power.

Chiefly power.

Uh, do you… Do you bowl?

No.

-Do you take a drink? -In moderation.

Uh, I… I find bowling very relaxing.

Let me buy you a drink, yeah?

It's a delightful view, isn't it?

Let me put your minds at rest straightaway.

I am a goodie. A representative of the wing of the public service.

I'm a little salty I'm faltering, courtesy of my age,

but I'm giving that away.

-They-- They are polite, aren't they? -Oh, yes, wonderfully so.

And surprisingly good field men too, you know.

What is going on?

Ah. Here it is.

I'll have a gin and tonic.

-Whiskey. -A Jamaica Farewell.

[Culpepper] Anyway, where was I?

Ah, yes, the wing of the public servers.

The mafioso of the bureaucracy, so to speak.

-Which wing, so to speak? -Yes.

Erm, you know, today is the day of our departmental bowls tournament.

There's a row of my people out there on the greens.

Take a good look at them.

Some of them are quite remarkably good players.

[imperceptible]

What sort of game you running?

I was, uh, anxious to break to you softly.

We've been set up.

Mm.

Oh, here are the drinks.

Well, that's why we didn't make the papers.

What for. Dodging black cartridges, eh?

Mm.

That's a very rich malt.

Naturally. They wouldn't dare serve anything else at my table.

Hmm.

Now then, Mr. Culpepper,

perhaps you should explain what's been going on.

Yeah, it's, uh, it's really very simple.

So am I, so give it to me slowly.

All right.

Now then, I've taken over the job

previously the responsibility of one Mr. Morgenthal, yes.

He was keenly interested in your specialty act in Vietnam

and approached each of you

in the view to joining the public service on demand.

[Steve] The answer's still no.

[Culpepper] Wait for the question.

[Steve] You've got the duration of this drink.

[Culpepper] Ample.

So I inherited the files, and, well, once the department has you on a file,

it never loses track of you or interest.

-[Steve] Pity. -[Culpepper] Mm.

Stop, my man, what a fascinating life you must lead.

[chuckles] Cunning Stunts.

What an amusing title for a company.

It pays the bills.

Really? That's good.

I'm so glad.

Anyway, something has come up, and I… I thought of you two.

Uh-uh.

When we got out of the commando, we said no more organizations.

Right here, right now, I wouldn't dream of having you in the establishment.

Much too troublesome.

No, what I have in mind

is a sort of specialty guest artist spot, one specific assignment.

Yes.

And we also said that we were through with killing.

We saw enough.

We did enough.

Really? Hmm.

Well, I've got scores of people who can handle that sort of chore for me.

No, this is something I thought that your special talents

would just fill the bill,

provided you've kept them finally honed.

I see. Hence the charade of the last couple of days.

Yes, exactly.

Oh, incidentally, you passed the test,

not that I suppose you're very interested in that.

Not much.

It was a pretty shabby trick,

I must confess.

It, um…

Well, there are a couple of skeptics in the department who demanded the test.

Now, I know it's no use appealing to your sense of patriotism

because none of us have much of that left anymore.

And I'm not going to tell you about the money because we're lousy payers,

and I'm sure you two don't go short of the odd feed of oysters.

So, how should I tempt you?

Well,

I offer you real excitement with a genuine test of your skills,

ingenuity and blood-cooling courage.

I offer you unmistakable danger, plus a lot of fun.

Not much, I know, but that's all I've got,

and I'm not going to tell you what the assignment is

until you've agreed to join us.

And I'm not going to press you for an answer.

So there it is.

Talk about it. Think it over.

One job as freelancers.

Mm.

It's a pity you can't bowl.

-What do you think about it? -We don't need it.

Of course we don't.

[yells]

[Rodney grunts]

Oh, hang on, this isn't gonna work.

What's up?

This storyboard, it's hopeless.

See, I'm winning too easily.

[Rodney] Well, that's a problem.

[whooping]

Whoa.

I like Culpepper.

Yeah, I like him too. He's a straight old bugger.

I wonder what the job was.

Who needs them, right?

Yeah. Unless it was something really interesting.

Mm.

[both grunting]

[Rodney grunts]

[Rodney] G'day, Julia.

-What is this? -[Steve] Rehearsal.

In the living room?

Yeah, I got to an extra 250 bucks for letting him shoot in here.

Oh, you're just wonderful.

[Steve grunts in pain]

I'm dying. I'm dying.

I thought the place was ideal.

I'm so glad.

[Steve] Oh, God. I'm dead. I'm dead.

Please. I'll clear up the mess.

Ah, that's in pretty good shape.

That vase works very well.

Yeah. Just the bit in the stairs needs looking at.

The stairs?

Uh, just one shot, darling.

I don't want to know.

I must be off.

I'm cooking boeuf à la mode for a lady.

Linette?

Um… Lianie.

-You'll really like her. -Yeah, well, see you later, Rod.

Yeah, you two got lots to talk about.

-[Julia] Have we? -Go.

Bismark.

What have we got to talk about?

Uh, let's see. Did you have a good day?

Not particularly.

I phoned the office.

You weren't in.

Uh-huh. No, a possible client came in and took me for a drink.

-I see. -True.

Good.

You better get that wet gear off.

You didn't kiss me when I came in.

You were having a fight.

-I'm not now. -Oh, yes, you are.

[Julia moaning]

[Julia breathes heavily]

[whispering] I love you, Steve.

[whispering] Yes.

See, you shouldn't keep secrets.

I don't.

Something's going on. I can tell.

Why are we whispering?

I don't know.

[in normal voice] Come on.

Grab your bonnet, and I'll change. and we'll get some air.

[Julia] It's a beautiful city.

[Steve] I haven't been very good to you, have I?

I brought you out here as my wife,

and I haven't even given you the two-dollar guided tour of the place.

-[Julia] Oh, I find my way about. -[Steve] Yes, you do, don't you?

And you've been very good to me…

mostly.

Well, you have to keep reminding me I'm one of a pair now.

I was a long time solo.

Do I detect a hint of nostalgia in that?

You do not.

Not even a hint.

[Julia] Mm.

[both laughing]

I wouldn't trust him, though.

Oh, there are lots of people I wouldn't trust.

Since when did you turn cynic?

When you started getting shot at.

Uh.

Well, how would you feel

if I told you that those shots they fired at us were blanks?

What?

So this man Culpepper's a spy.

Spy? Rather quaint description.

What would you call him?

I didn't say you were wrong.

Well, I hope you told this Mr. Culpepper

what you thought of his silly game.

Yeah. Look, I really did.

Oh, Steve, you did not.

I'm very good at looking after myself.

Sure. So was Harry Houdini.

Yeah, but Rodney and I, we are a good team.

[cannons firing]

[gunfire]

Someone's gotta move.

Yeah, I'd say.

-Well? -Not us, Sarge.

-No? -No.

[Steve] It was a small army of North Vietnamese regulars.

But they sprung the trap too soon.

Half the commando never landed. The half that did got wiped out.

Except for Rod and me.

Well, that war is over, Steve.

Hey, will you try and understand what I am on about?

Yeah, let's all try real hard.

-Maybe we'll get somewhere. -Right.

[Steve] Headquarters liked the way Rod and I got out of the ambush.

We only kept our heads, but they must have thought we were sainted.

Anyway, they kept us together.

Put us through a rough old training program,

and started volunteering us for special missions across the DMZ.

Espionage, kidnapping, sabotage.

Anything sufficiently nasty.

And what I want you to know about

is a mission that happened over ten years back.

[suspenseful music playing]

[yelling]

You said you got those marks in a motor smash.

I lied.

[Steve wincing in pain]

You all right, mate?

-Move out. -What?

-It's an order. -Stop.

[grunting] They'll be on us… All that racket.

We were out trapping pigs.

My brother's got a property out in the Yass.

Know the area?

-No. -Yeah, it's a good spot.

-You ever chase wild pig? -No.

Then I'll take you out there when we get back.

I gave you an order, Sergeant. Move out.

You're incapacitated, sir.

I'm assuming operational command until you are better. So, shut up.

[grunts]

Rod cut me out.

Took about 20 minutes, and all that time, we were scared.

We were really scared.

We were…

That close to being bumped off.

But we made it.

And this is what you got to try and understand, Julia.

It was a great feeling.

We were really high on it.

And every stunt I do, it's the same feeling.

I get a kick out of danger.

I know it's not normal, but that's the way I am.

I'm hooked on that adrenaline charge you get

from knowing that this could be the last second of your life.

I love my life… more since we met.

And because I love it, I won't go putting it up in a duck shoot.

You have never pinned a bamboo.

-You don't make sense-- -To you.

Which should matter to you.

It matters.

Does Rod want to work for Mr. Culpepper?

I never said I did.

-You don't have to say. -That's not fair.

Does he?

We haven't decided. We're gonna think it over independently.

Well, I at least thank you for that.

For what?

Reserving part of the debate for your wife.

Listen, darling, if you said to me,

"Go tell Culpepper never to trouble you again,"

I'd do it, I swear it.

-Would you do that? -Of course.

No, you better not stop being the man I married just because I married you.

[guitar music playing]

Are you just gonna sit there and not talk to me?

I swear, Steve will be having an easier time

explaining things to his wife than I am to a bloody dog.

It's one of your favorites, Bismark, boeuf à la mode.

[sighs]

You'll love Lianie.

She's mad about dogs. Hates cats.

Boeuf à la mode. Delicious, eh?

Bizzy. You and I have been mates for a long time.

I'm sure you'd understand.

When a man's-- Look. listen to me, will you?

When a man's got special talents,

then he owes it to himself to do the things he's good at

once in a while, see?

[doorbell rings]

That will be Laura. Now, listen. Be a good dog.

We'll discuss it all later.

Aww. Lianie.

The name is Lena.

And a beautiful name, too.

[indistinct chatter]

All right. Here we go.

Roll film. Quiet please.

Action.

One, two, three.

Cut. Good one

Print that.

Let's set up for the hit and run now, please.

-You set, mate? -Okay, Steve, let her rip.

[tires screeching]

[tires screech]

[sighs]

Did you give it any thought?

-What? -You know what.

-Oh, that. -That.

Tell you the truth, I was a bit busy last night, all right?

Don't tell me about it.

Did you discuss it with Julia?

Yeah, we discussed it like mature adults.

Really?

We managed to be friends by morning.

Oh, well, you haven't been married long.

True.

I had a hard time with Bismark.

You shouldn't let him hound you.

[laughs]

That would be the worst joke you have cracked all week.

-Wanna be a movie star? -No.

-Wanna work for Culpepper? -Might as well.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

What's on this afternoon?

Oh, that fire thing, you know, the safety demonstration for the army.

My turn to get barbecued.

How are you, mate?

Medium rare.

[both laugh]

All of this has to be done according to the routines.

-You understand? -No. Not really.

-If you would wear these. -Ah. I'd have preferred a white gardenia.

-Very efficient. -They were made ready just in case--

-In case what? -You got itchy feet.

[scoffs] Shall we go?

You had no difficulty with your wife, Steve?

What business is that of yours?

In this organization, any of us may, at any time,

be dependent on our colleagues for our lives.

Well, you'll never have to depend on us, sweetheart. We work alone.

-Really? -Really.

I wasn't told.

Oh, well, perhaps you are not to be trusted.

Do you know if the chief wants to see me?

I do. And he doesn't.

Oh? Right.

-I'm Gloria. -Are you really?

No. But then he's not really Culpepper.

I'm his secretary.

He's a very lucky man.

How's your dog?

Dying to meet you.

-I really love big slobbery dogs. -Oh, we are gonna be friends.

I'm also mad about French cooking.

You certainly keep good files.

They're not my best point.

What are you doing tonight, Gloria?

You better find out what you're doing first.

Nothing would please me more.

That's why I asked.

[clears throat] Oh, I see you've met Gloria.

I am afraid it's downhill from now on.

Would you like to step inside? Hmm?

Don't forget our arrangement.

-Arrangement? -It'll come to you.

[Culpepper clears throat]

No calls will be through, Gloria.

-She's terrific. -Ah. Sit down.

So, your wife's a teacher, huh, Steve?

Yeah.

-And is she a communist? -Presbyterian, I think.

Eh, it's not a departmental inquiry. It's just that I have this private theory

about the relationship between education

and the overdeveloped social conscience.

Sometimes I think my dogs are Trotskyite.

Really? [chuckles]

I'll have to have one of our undercover dachshunds

keep an eye on it.

Tell me, is your secretary, um, married or anything inconvenient?

No, my dear fellow. I wouldn't dream of doing that to you.

Would you like some refreshments?

No, not for me.

Oh, good, 'cause it will only be tea anyway.

[sighs] Well…

I knew you'd come.

Well, you knew more than we did?

-Yes. Always will. -And be smug.

Hmm, that's a little joke.

So you… want to help me, huh?

Once, perhaps. We are enduring a rather quiet period.

-Off season. -I understand.

Well, what's the job then?

Not here. Uh, at the house.

What's that?

Oh, a briefing complex.

Doesn't it sound grand?

Typical example of departmental empire building.

-When do you want us there? -You, uh, free now?

[car horn honks]

[telephone ringing]

How are you, sir?

[Culpepper] Oh, I've had a little bit of trouble with my back, otherwise all right.

Not bad, sir.

Somewhere in Italy, the greengrocer was telling my wife.

Oh, really?

I could find out for you, if you'd like.

-Nah, it's all right. -[scanner beeps]

These gentlemen with you sir?

Hmm? Oh, uh, yes, yes. Excuse me. Give the sergeant your tabs.

[beeps]

[scanner beeps]

Weather's turned a bit chill.

Yes. I know. Noticed it last night, as a matter of fact.

It'll finish off the tomatoes.

Yeah, it's a pity really, 'cause I had a-- I had a good crop this season.

Room eight then, sir.

Oh, good. All right, chaps. Come along.

Right-o. Here we are.

Right. Thank you, my dear.

Now, when you're quite finished looking at our furnishings, we'll begin.

I never realized that cloak-and-dagger was so cloak-and-dagger.

Uh-huh, and we like to keep our secrets a secret. Mm-hmm.

Yes. And I thought you were all ordinary blokes

in regulation offices doing dirty jobs.

'Course you did.

It's all a cult to the anti-hero.

It's done immeasurable harm to our image and to, uh, recruitment.

Do, um, sit down.

Uh, before we get underway,

I must apologize to you for the crudity of the presentation

you're about to witness.

Like all government departments,

we felt the vicious swipe of the budget and shed our bitter tears of inflation.

Hmm. Anyway, I'm-- I'm sure you'll see what I mean.

[clears throat]

Erm, you know, once we had the best modeling unit in the country.

What happened to it?

I believe they're all working in the motion picture industry.

And that's the target?

Let me explain to you.

This here is a map of the Philippines.

That's Japan.

Oh, it's knocked me down. So it is. You're absolutely right.

It's a beautiful country though, isn't it, eh?

Oh. Frightful incompetence.

Still I expect you know what they look like.

-Hmm? -What?

The Philippines. Do pay attention.

-Sorry. -Yes.

But now these buildings here, uh, are in the Philippines.

-Whereabouts? -Um, I'll give you proper maps for that.

-That'll be a help. -Of course.

This is the empire of a man called Agostino Hernandez.

-He is a baddie. -Who says?

Oh, everybody.

He's a manipulator, racketeer, fixer, all around nasty chap.

We don't kill.

Hmm, I know that.

This Mr. Hernandez is known to keep his private papers in a safe

in the control room of this complex.

-[Steve] What does this complex do? -[Culpepper] Oh, it makes things.

Such as?

The answer to that and many other interesting questions

are in the said private papers.

So you want them?

Well, I don't want them personally,

but the Filipino government would like them

in order to bring Mr. Hernandez to book.

Well, why don't they send in their own boys?

Well, I shouldn't say this, but I don't think they're too sure

which of their boys are on their side, if you know what I mean.

So they've asked you to help.

What a remarkable double act you two are.

Why don't you help them?

You mean sending our own people, hmm?

And you'd just see Mr. Hernandez,

if he caught them, delighting and exposing them.

Can't you hear the Afro-Asian bloc at the UN

rising to its feet in a single rattle of chairs,

protest to get our intervention

in the domestic affairs of a neighboring country? [chuckles]

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

No, the ploy is to send in two mercenaries,

if you'll, uh, pardon the expression.

And then if you get caught, well, you're just a pair of big time peddlers.

Uh, industrial espionage, perhaps.

No government would ever admit to having anything to do with you. [chuckles]

Super plan, isn't it, huh?

Wonderful.

So, let's see some films, shall we?

I always find films relaxing. Lights.

This film is taken in and around Hernandez's citadel

by some cunning and sneaky little local agents.

[suspenseful music playing]

-Mr. Culpepper. -Hmm?

-Oh, This is… It is a good film. -Great.

Yeah, I told you they always relaxed me.

[Culpepper] I'd like you to know that the resources of my department

are entirely at your disposal.

-[Rodney] I'd like to have Gloria. -[Culpepper] I'm sure you would,

you filthy swine.

[Culpepper] Ah.

Come through, would you please, Gloria?

Right. Now they are working with us.

-[Gloria] Oh, good. Good. -And you're working with them.

-All right? -Fine.

-All right? -Fine.

Uh, could you give us a hint on how we get to the island,

grab the papers and get out again?

In a word? No.

I'll lay on a submarine for it to get you close.

There are four problems as I see it.

Getting from the submarine to the island and back. That's one.

Getting from the beach up to the complex, getting through the alarm system,

and neutralizing the guards.

There are 120 armed guards there.

Hernandez is a very powerful man.

I told you it'd be a challenge.

Hmm, anything else we should know?

Yes. Don't drink the water.

We booked them into the farm for a week.

-What? -It'll do you a world of good.

And get the secretariat to get me someone new for you.

Very good, sir.

You'll liaise through Gloria.

Neither I nor my department have ever heard of you.

As far as I'm personally concerned,

I don't wanna see you again until you return here

bearing the Hernandez documents.

[clears throat]

-Goodbye. -Don't you mean, "good luck"?

[scoffs]

You make your own luck in our trade.

So he has got a spine.

-He survives. -Yeah.

Well, uh, you'll be in touch?

That's right.

I thought…

-What are you doing tonight? -Washing my hair.

[Steve chuckles]

-You got shampoo? -[chuckles]

-[Steve] Looked at the maps? -[Rodney] Yes.

-Worked it out? -No.

-Any ideas? -No.

-Suggestions? -No.

[Steve] Expect me to come up with a brilliant plan?

-No. -What, then?

I expect to wake up one morning and find it all spread out in front of me.

Let's try and keep Gloria out of this.

She's a lovely girl, mate. A lovely girl.

-When's the caper come off? -Within a month.

That's what I like. Plenty of time to get things organized.

[Steve] Right. So far we are in.

You scale the cliffs on the southside bringing you in there, and I've beached

on the west side, which brings me in here.

I don't think there's any problems

with the papers in the control room, do you?

But, uh, it's the getaway I can't figure out.

I mean, how do we get out of the complex

and down an open 300-foot cliff to the submarine

after the alarm has been raised?

We'll think of something.

Look at the big, brave men.

-Do you think she's having a go at us? -Again?

Look, I can either go mad thinking about your antics

or I can stay sane by asking, what can I do to help?

[Rodney] Hey, Bismark!

[whooping]

What fee did you quote Culpepper?

-Rod, what fee did we quote Culpepper? -Eh?

Oh, honestly, you didn't even discuss payment?

Steve.

Here comes Gloria.

-Gloria. -[Gloria] There you go, Bismark.

Do you know what the rate for this kind of job is?

[Gloria] It's not a set scale.

They don't often employ freelance performers.

-Too risky. -Thanks a lot.

But they will get paid?

If it can't be avoided.

Culpepper does tend to guard his budget with the zeal of a true public servant.

-Safe? -[Gloria] Yeah.

-[Rodney] Good. -Yes.

[Rodney] What is it?

Share it.

You still on speaking terms with that bloke from Murray Bridge?

Because the wing lift from there to there is perfect.

What does this man from Murray Bridge do?

He makes things.

Well, we'll get onto him whilst you're down on the farm.

We don't want to go to your farm.

No, we checked ourselves out. We are both fit.

-Definite waste of time -Rodney, it can't hurt you.

I booked you in for a week. Starting tomorrow.

Well, if you want my opinion…

[upbeat music playing]

[all] One, two, three, four.

[clears throat]

Seems I could be trusted with the job of entertaining you for a few days.

So, welcome to the farm.

-What goes on here? -All sorts of things.

Yeah. And what gets done?

With any luck, sir, you do.

-Any preference for weapons? -Anything with a straight barrel,

-we're not gonna be shooting anyone. -I'm sorry, gentlemen.

I didn't realize you were nervous of firearms.

Just like riding a bicycle. You never forget.

However much you'd like to.

-What's next? -That along there, gentlemen.

Stay between the marker flags.

A little light exercise. Certainly.

Just testing your wind.

[Steve] Well, if I were them, I'd be testing for nerves.

It's the only essential qualification for the job.

[Rodney] So they're trying to push us off the track?

[Steve] Right on.

-[Rodney] And if we fall for it? -[Steve] Horrible things will happen.

[Rodney] I see what you mean.

-[Steve] Okay. You set the pace. -[Rodney] Thanks a lot.

[machine gun firing]

Huh, it's goodbye, old mate.

I mean, we've run your crooked mile, we've swum your river, it's very boring.

So if you could direct us to the nearest railway station,

we'll shuffle off.

I've got you for a week.

Yes. Well, very kind, but no thanks. We got other plans.

I know all about your speedway frolics.

You wouldn't spoil our fun.

I'd quite like to try.

Anyhow, come to room A-9 after lunch, will you?

I'll arrange the formalities for your discharge.

Julia, where does this pack?

Um, dingey two, bag one, in the strapping.

Do I have to write all that?

-Yup. -Fine.

Oh, by the way, what is it?

It's a master timing console.

I wonder how they're coping at the farm.

They'll be coping.

[gong blares]

[growling]

Hi-yah!

[yelling]

[growling]

Hi-yah!

[gong blares]

Hi-yah!

-[loud bang] -[crashes]

[Rodney] Fancy taking on the two of us.

[Steve] How'd you get the two of us? You never did anything.

[Rodney] I held your coat.

[horse whinnies]

[crowd cheering]

You know, mate, I've been thinking about that farm.

Those explosions.

They could hardly have afforded to keep us.

Yeah, lots of flash and bang and not much damage.

Takes more than that to scare us.

-Made of… -[metal clanks]

steel, eh?

Yeah.

Well, I've been thinking a few explosions like that,

with a lot of pretty smoke might scare off Hernandez and his merry men.

Kind of your fix. It's a good idea.

It's worth a thought.

-It's the molly grips, really. -Molly grips?

What are you doing taking out the appendix?

Well, giving it a vasectomy.

[Steve] Hmm.

Thanks.

The mission.

-Us. -All right, us. Yeah, us. I mean us.

[Julia] Mmm.

You know, Julia, it means a lot to me that you understand why I'm doing this.

-Hmm. Why you gonna kiss me? -No.

Why I'm gonna go on this escapade.

Oh, that.

Well, I don't understand that at all.

[Steve growls]

[Julia giggles]

If you could imagine the pressures that build up on a man

when he approaches moments of great and unknown danger,

then perhaps you'd try to help me through this awful time.

Oh, Rodney. You do talk a lot.

[kisses] Bye, fella. See you soon.

Bye, love.

[speaking indistinctly]

Ten degrees, 30 minutes north. 125 degrees, ten minutes west.

I am Lt. Commander Carson, Naval Intelligence.

Mr. Culpepper asked me to look after you.

As far as I'm concerned, I'm a courier.

I have to take you to this point, and pick you up there ten hours later.

-Agreed. -That's all we want.

That's all you get.

Ten hours and ten seconds after you disembark,

the captain will turn the boat for home.

Understood?

Yes, that's clear.

I hope you'll be comfortable aboard.

Thank you.

Right.

God knows how you're going to crack it.

And he's not telling.

[seagull squawking]

Stand by to surface.

[indistinct intercom chatter]

Surface.

It'll be nine o'clock by the time you hit the island.

-Yes. -You're mad.

I would go in under cover of darkness.

Yes, well, we found that people with something to hide,

expect things to go bump in the night.

Besides, my friend is short-sighted.

[alarm blaring]

[phone ringing]

Hello?

Julia, it's Culpepper here.

I'm not disturbing you, am I?

Men like you always disturb me, Mr. Culpepper.

It's my natural magnetism, my dear.

I've learned to live with it.

I've just been advised that the mission is now underway.

Would you like me to come across to your place

and we can wait for the office to phone through the outcome.

[sighs]

All right.

Oh, good.

Oh, by the way, do, uh, you play chess?

A little.

Oh, that is nice.

Yes, I… I find chess very relaxing.

[clock ticking]

What are the rules of this game?

The law of the jungle.

Hmm.

[wind howling]

[birds chirping]

[indistinct chatter]

[indistinct chatter]

Hey!

[speaking foreign language]

[all clamoring]

I am looking for the American Express office.

[all clamoring]

That… that way, that way?

[clamoring continues]

Just relax, fellas. Relax. Relax.

I don't speak English, I don't speak English.

[speaking foreign language]

-[Rodney] It's a camera. -A camera.

Camera? Click click?

Click click?

I'll show you. Just… Thank you. Thank you. Just show you.

-Now, look. Smile. -Done done.

Done done. Smile.

Smile, smile.

Press that one. Press that one in hard.

Now press that one there.

-[man] That one there? -[Rodney] Yup.

[explosion]

[shouting in foreign language]

Excuse me.

[alarm blaring]

That looks a little heavy.

[speaking foreign language]

Move it.

Over there. Over, over!

Move, move.

Now.

Move it. Move it.

Move.

Move it. Move it. Move it.

Back up. Back up.

Back up. Back up.

Hold it right there.

What do you want?

I've come to read the meter.

Out! Move. [speaking foreign language]

Move. Move.

[indistinct shouting]

[shouting in foreign language]

[all clamoring]

[alarm blaring]

[all coughing]

[alarm blaring]

[distant gunshots]

[indistinct chatter]

[alarm blaring]

[alarm blaring]

[indistinct shouting]

[gunshot]

Check and mate.

[Culpepper sighs]

Hmm.

Good lord, they've made it.

Culpepper will be pleased.

[speaking indistinctly]

[phone ringing]

Hmm. I'll get it.

Culpepper.

Hmm.

Right.

Well, it's good news.

They've got the papers.

-Now you can have your husband back. -[laughs]

[Julia] Oh!

Oh, steady on.

Hey, what about me?

Hey, there's a preview of your latest epic tomorrow.

Wanna come?

[indistinct chatter]

[director] Can we all sit down then, people?

Ready to go?

It's the world premiere of this epic production,

three years in the making,

a credit to all concerned, particularly… me.

Boy, I love it.

[men clamoring in movie]

[horse whinnies]

[women screaming]

At the end of a hard day's work,

a man needs a deodorant that won't let him down.

And this is the one.

William. It's a conqueror.

Magnificent.

It's a living.

["Deathcheaters" playing]

♪ Higher ♪

♪ Higher ♪

♪ Fly high and reach for the sky ♪

♪ Deathcheater ♪

♪ You should fly, playing with fire ♪

♪ Deathcheater ♪

♪ Haven't you known this town Late it seems? ♪

♪ Haven't you built your world On dreams? ♪

♪ Didn't you gamble each moment on? ♪

♪ Could you be wrong? ♪

♪ Haven't you known this town Late it seems? ♪

♪ Haven't you built your world On dreams? ♪

♪ Didn't you gamble each moment on? ♪

♪ Could you be wrong? ♪

♪ Fly high and reach for the sky ♪

♪ Deathcheater ♪

♪ You know it's a game You must play without blame ♪

♪ Deathcheater ♪

♪ Deuces wild ♪

♪ Played with style ♪

♪ Deathcheater ♪