Original subtitles

(grand music)

(mysterious music)

(dial tone)

(phone dialing)

- [Trevor] Alyssa I don't know what to say,

no one's ever given me a washer dryer before.

- Trevor, you're not just an agent.

You're my friend.

- [Trevor] Listen, I got another call from the reality show.

- Rehab with the Stars?

I don't do drugs.

- [Trevor] It's called acting.

- So what, I should start smoking crack?

Trev, reality is for losers.

- [Trevor] Losers who work.

Think it over.

And if you need it, I know an excellent dealer.

- So what about the TV movie?

- [Trevor] I spoke with the network, they're huge fans.

They all grew up watching you.

- Great then it shouldn't be a problem.

I know it's just a couple of scenes but what the hell?

Tell them that I'll audition.

- [Trevor] I did.

Sweetheart, they're not interested.

Look, I'm sorry.

- I see.

- [Trevor] Honey, you're America's HMO Nurse.

No one's gonna buy you as a cold-blooded killer.

- Trevor, you have no idea what I'm capable of.

(bright music)

- Hi, this is Bernie, the cool king of air conditioning.

Celebrating 30 big years of making Southern California cool.

- And I'm Alyssa, the cool queen of air conditioning.

So excited to tell you about the grand opening

of our fourth big store in Tarzana.

We've got (mumbles), Frigidaire, Gaffers and Satler,

Kitchen Aid, Speed Queen, and we are still the southland's

exclusive retailer of top-rated Vandenhoffer industries.

So come in this weekend or for the next 30 days,

and take advantage of a cool 0% financing.

- 0% financing?

Are we out of our royal minds?

(applause)

- Thank you.

To the Bernie's Air Conditioning family.

For helping to make my husband the valley's big man

in appliances for 30 glorious years.

- Cheers.

- [Crowd] To Bernie!

- Dad.

I wanna talk to you about Northridge.

- What's on your mind?

- I know that you want me to one day take over the business.

Now that we're opening Tarzana, well, I think that--

- Son.

Everything that I know that's worth knowing

I learned on a sales floor.

There's no shame in it.

As far as you running the business well I can tell you

I'm not going anywhere for a long, long time.

- But Dad, I think that I--

- Enough talk, okay?

It's a party.

Let's see some party!

- Okay.

- A few years ago on HMO Nurse, we got a script

that was god-awful.

My costar, Corbin Bernsen, was beside himself.

So finally I said to him, honey, we gotta make the show

good in the parts between the dialogue.

Well, of course, he had no idea what I was talking about.

Wouldn't you know it that is the year I received

my first nomination.

- Okay.

This card, the twins, that's you two.

Now cut the deck.

Oh, let's pick another one.

- We chose that one.

What's it mean?

- Nothing.

Pick another.

- Answer the question.

- That's the tower.

It foretells death and destruction.

(laughing)

- Alright Morris, what is it?

Are you alright?

You look like you're about to throw up.

- Ever since that night that we shared that foot massage

at the company retreat in Cabo, I've been thinking

about you, about us.

- Morris, that was years ago.

- I want you, Alyssa.

There, I said it.

I put it on out there.

Honey.

- Morris.

That is so sweet and you certainly know your way

around a woman's feet, but I'm in love with Bernie.

Your cousin and boss?

- Could I at least give you one more foot rub?

- Well.

We're only human, so we probably shouldn't.

- And now we go to breaking news out of Tarzana

where a protest is underway at the grand opening

of a Bernie's Air Conditioning.

The demonstration conducted by the--

(moaning)

- Yipee yo kai yay.

- Russell!

- You guys are not gonna believe this.

- Dude.

- Come on, George.

- A so-called eco terrorist is being lead by

Topanga Pillage, the daughter of Bernard Pillage,

the owner of this very same Bernie's Air Conditioning.

- Bernie's Air Conditioning sells Vandenhoffer Industries.

A company that's seriously wiping out the rainforests.

And that's not cool.

70% of plants used in treating cancer are found

in the rainforests.

And we're losing them with every refrigerator sold.

Join us.

Boycott Bernie's Air Conditioning!

And visit our (crashing)

oh no, no, no!

- [Reporter] This demonstration has now

taken a dangerous turn.

- No no no!

(crashing)

- [Reporter] The demonstrators are now throwing

a Molotov cocktail into--

- It's our fourth date.

We met in program.

- He's bulimic?

- No.

He's a writer.

He's doing research for a story on eating disorders.

- You sure that's all he's researching?

- I like him.

He thinks my being in recovery makes me exotic.

- It does.

- Now you listen to me.

We sent you to UC Santa Barbara for a reason.

It's a party school.

We were hoping you'd take the hint.

We wanted you to be political we'd have sent you

to Berkeley.

- I'm sorry.

I am, I don't know what to do.

- Do the only thing you can do.

Go to him and beg for forgiveness.

- Okay.

But what about you?

Will you ever forgive me?

- You worry about your father.

- Daddy.

You don't wanna talk to me.

I'm so, so sorry.

We went to Yosemite when I was 10.

You gave me this, this eagle.

But now I don't deserve it anymore.

- You know something Topanga?

You're right.

You don't deserve this.

You made a mockery of the company.

You made a mockery of me.

- Daddy, please.

- Vandenhoffer Industries is not just a supplier,

it is the lifeblood of this family,

and they deserve, no, they demand our respect.

- Bernie, leave her alone, that's enough.

- Not now, Alyssa.

This is between me and our daughter.

(gasps)

No!

(eagle cawing)

- Alyssa, I just, I wanna say--

- Don't even speak to me.

(clamoring)

- Alyssa, autograph!

- Alyssa, who are you wearing?

- I fear that there will one day be children asking

what is a tree.

So big, so strong, so filled with sap.

A lumberjack deserves a slap.

He chops, he chips, he'll beat, he'll grind.

Why are people so unkind?

For the long, hard trunk so firm, so fine.

Twas cut down by a dollar sign.

The poetry of Topanga Pillage.

- Afterwards we all went over to TGIFridays for

cocktails and baby back ribs.

Considering it was the worst day of my life

it was a very pleasant affair.

- Sure I'm upset.

Fucking beside myself.

She was my daughter for christsake.

And Tarzana was our new flagship.

It was gonna boost our numbers for the entire year.

Now what have I got?

No Topanga, no Tarzana.

Shit.

- Not gonna sit here and tell you she was perfect.

Happen to know she didn't die a virgin.

She had a boyfriend and they, well, you know, they fucked.

- You should have seen my mother at the funeral.

Up there milking the spotlight.

You'd think she was on the goddamn Tonight Show.

- Alyssa's eulogy was like watching one of her old

disease of the week TV movies.

- Except those only lasted two hours.

- When my father, cheap bastard, bought her coffin

at Costco, he also had the nerve to buy more golf balls.

- Bernie and his little balls!

Don't get me started.

- The landing, it was never level.

That's why I'm suing the contractor.

- He's even trying to cash in on her death.

- So fucking typical!

- The lawsuit will discourage shoddy workmanship.

Everyone, especially Topanga, knew it was never level!

- Yeah, I know, it was an accident.

Yet--

- It was an act of parental terrorism.

- Bernie practically threw her down those stairs.

- And I am sure, over time, her sacrifice will only

bring our family together.

- If I did that.

Accidentally hurt.

Even harm my own child.

Well I couldn't go on living.

(light music)

- Bernie, hey.

I just wanted to talk to you about the lotus.

Did you know they will grow even if planted in mud?

- No shit.

- And the muddier the mud the more beautiful the flower?

And I, well, here.

It's from my church, the One Thought Movement.

- My daughter died.

I have a business to run.

And you are talking to me about muddy fucking lotuses?

- No, I'm talking to you about,

I'm sorry.

(eagle cawing)

- Dave?

That you?

(eagle cawing)

What the?

- Hello Daddy.

- Oh dear Jesus.

- Hope everything that's happened hasn't been

too bad for business.

- No.

Surprisingly business is up.

I think it was the publicity.

- So my death was a commercial?

- Oh God no, Topanga.

I tried to hang on, baby.

The necklace snapped and you, well.

You know what happened.

- I know.

But I'm not here to talk about old times, Daddy.

I'm here for your redemption.

- My what?

- I came back to tell you there's no earned income tax

credit in heaven.

- Are you saying there are taxes there?

- Are you totally listening to me, Daddy?

- I am listening.

- You are going to face strong opposition to this

but you must be super steadfast in your resolve.

- Your mother, you're talking about your mother.

- I'm talking about charity and sacrifice.

It's your only path to salvation.

- Salvation?

A minute ago it was redemption.

Topanga, am I going to hell?

- I can only say this.

Give from your heart.

It's awesome for the soul.

- Oh!

Whoa!

- [Voiceover] It's no accident that you're holding

this book in your hands.

Panexperimentalism is your ticket to enlightenment.

- [Bernie Voiceover] Sometimes in the

zeitgeist, is a paradigm shift, tragedy plus charity,

to a better you, be the lotus, be the lotus.

I am the lotus.

(bright music)

- Mom, it's been so awful.

I keep finding myself getting madder and madder.

How can life be so random, so unfair?

- Honey this isn't the first time your father's

cancelled your credit cards.

- But it happened at Kitson in front of everyone!

I hate him, he's rude.

- I know, but when you don't show up for your shift

at the store--

- I am trying to focus on my recovery, okay?

And to be perfectly honest, I can't even look at him.

- Alright.

I'll talk to him.

- I love you.

- I love you too, sweetheart.

We need to talk.

- Are we talking?

If this is about Rebecca, it is time she learned

the value of a dollar.

- After what you put her through, she could use

a little retail therapy.

- That is exactly what is wrong with this family!

- Shopping?

You think that's what the problem is?

- Topanga's death was a wake up call.

We are not rebuilding Tarzana.

- Is that some sort of a joke?

- No, but I've got one for you.

Our lifestyle.

It's a dirty joke.

It's an obscenity.

- Bernie.

We have worked hard.

I have sacrificed both personally and professionally

and I will not have you call our life obscene.

What's all this?

- Topanga's right.

Vandenhoffer Industries is negative energy.

It's destroying our planet, we don't need them!

- Honey, please, let's talk this over.

We'll work it out.

- Do you have any idea how long it takes

for one acre of rainforest to naturally occur?

- Let me tell you what naturally occurs to me.

You don't suddenly stop selling the only $9,000

refrigerator we carry.

- Well no one was asking you.

- Bernie!

- I, Topanga Sue Pillage, being of sound mind and body,

hereby direct that upon my death the assets

of the Topanga Sue Pillage living trust shall be liquidated

and the proceeds split between Greenpeace,

Amnesty International, and the ACLU.

- Oh dear God.

- That's it.

Except of course for her manifesto on saving mother earth.

- Thank you.

- Bernie, here are the revisions on those documents

that you asked me to draw up.

- Good work.

(bright music)

- I, Bernard Pillage, hereby liquidate the Russell Ryan

Pillage and Rebecca Zoe Pillage trusts.

Proceeds to be donated to the

One Thought Church of Glendale.

A bequest in the amount of 12.5 million.

Jesus Harold Christ.

Bernie!

Bernard Pillage, where are you?

Sorry.

- Shh.

Alyssa.

- Well, if it isn't little Buddha.

- Alright, what's the goddamn emergency?

- This.

Is not fucking acceptable.

- You went through my personal papers?

This is low, even for you.

- Low?

Low is spending a workday off in the woods

with a bunch of spiritual jackoffs.

Low is joining a cult because your own family

won't even speak to you.

And low is sacrificing our kids' future just to relieve

your own guilt!

- I am one with my karma, I am one with my destiny.

- I am your destiny!

Before you met me you were nothing.

Small storefront on Van Nuys Boulevard.

- I ran a respectable business.

- My money financed every new store.

My stardom brought in the customers.

- Stardom, hah!

- I am not about to watch you flush it all down the toilet.

- In case you hadn't noticed, the company is called

Bernie's Air Conditioning, Bernie's!

Not has-beens.

So I guess you don't have a say in it, do you?

- Of course I do, I'm your partner.

- Oh?

What makes you think that?

- You think I enjoyed whoring myself for your

goddamn washing machines?

I'm an Emmy nominated actress!

I was humiliated!

- Well I guess you should have thought of that

when you invested in my company, huh?

- You will never get away with this.

You call yourself respectable?

You couldn't even open Tarzana.

- Because Topanga burned it down!

- I know.

That's why you killed her.

- For the last time, I did not kill our daughter.

You listen to me, you little piece of shit.

Our family's priorities are entirely fucked up.

It is my spiritual calling to make things right.

If I have to give away every dollar we have.

But first, I'm going to meditate.

Cleanse my soul.

Why don't you join us, Alyssa?

Bet your soul is filthy.

(scheming music)

(phone ringing)

- [Voiceover] Alyssa?

- We need to talk.

(mariachi music)

I don't know who he is anymore.

He's giving money away, he's meditating.

Practically a Buddhist.

- Well I'm really sorry about that, Alyssa.

- And now he's cutting us out of the will.

Giving everything to some whackjob church in Glendale.

- Wait a minute.

He's cutting us out of the will?

- You didn't know?

You're getting out the business.

- Oh?

Oh.

Oh that yeah of course, well Bernie and I we're very close.

- But after he signs those papers, you know.

- Well I don't know Alyssa, I mean what you're suggesting

is very serious.

I mean Bernie is my boss and cousin.

And when I had my pig valve put in two years ago,

he was there for me.

- He gave you two months off with pay,

so what does that make him, Tom Hanks?

It's the only way.

If we don't act and act now, everything you, me,

and the kids have is gonna end up

in some cult leader's 401K.

(gong)

- Bernie!

- Jesus, Morris!

- Oh God, I'm sorry about that.

Look, there's something I gotta tell you.

Something big.

- You?

Okay.

And then you can tell me why Van Nuys has such lousy karma.

- What?

- Van Nuys sales have been down every month

for the last year.

Why?

- The economy?

- Wrong.

Sales have been down because of you.

Before you can have positive energy, you need to have

some energy to begin with.

And you have never done a single thing to show me

that you've got the drive to accomplish anything

except getting laid and picking up a paycheck.

That's why Van Nuys has bad karma.

Now.

What'd you have to tell me that was so damn important?

- Just that you're wrong.

About me, Bernie.

And one day soon, you're gonna see just how wrong you are.

(laughing)

(gong)

Hey, it's me.

Let's kill him.

- Hello?

Is someone there?

Topanga?

Honey, is that you?

Topanga?

- You, shut up.

- Morris?

Alyssa?

Jesus Christ, I can smell your White Diamonds from here.

- For once in your life would you shut the fuck up?

(hits) (cries out)

- Fuck, fuck, fuck!

- Oh, sorry.

- You bitch, you broke my fucking leg!

- Alyssa, what the hell are you doing?

- I was just trying to shut him up,

I didn't mean to break his leg.

- I hurts!

What are you waiting for?

Call 911!

- Look at the mess you made.

- I said I was sorry, I am.

- Do it!

Do it now!

- Sorry about this, cousin.

The plan was to shoot him.

Have we shot him yet, no.

What did we do instead?

We broke his leg.

- You don't have to be sarcastic, I said I was sorry.

- That's it, that's it, alright, it's over.

- No, Morris please, I need this to happen today, I do.

We do.

- He's got goddamn duct tape on his leg!

What burglar would do that?

(muffled cries)

Alright, I'm calling an ambulance and then I am going in

there and I am begging for forgiveness.

I suggest you do the same.

- Maybe I didn't make myself clear.

I need this to happen today.

Now they can either find one dead store appliance manager

in here, or they can find two.

(gun cocks)

What's it gonna be, Morris?

- Alright, alright, Alyssa, can we just get this over with,

okay?

(muffled cries)

(boxes falling)

(exciting music)

- Oh God!

- Still think we should beg for forgiveness?

- No, no, I guess not.

- Oh Bernard.

What you did to Topanga was unforgivable.

Then giving all of our money away?

That's just plain stupid.

But don't worry, where you're headed they're gonna need

lots of air conditioning.

(clicks)

(clicking)

Did you not load this thing?

- God darnit!

I left the bullets at home.

- Great.

Just great.

Now how are we supposed to do it?

(scheming music)

- You need, you want some water?

Alyssa, what are you?

Alyssa, no, Alyssa, no, don't.

Alyssa, no!

God, Jesus, no!

- Morris, now?

(sultry music)

Alright.

You go on inside, I'll go home and wait for the call.

- How can you be like this?

I mean, so cold and callous.

Oh my God, have you killed people before?

- Of course not.

What do you think, this is my idea of a fun night

out on the town?

- No.

Of course not.

I'm sorry, I just, I wasn't expecting to feel like this.

- Oh, Morris.

It's okay.

Bernie's in a better place now.

His suffering has ended.

- Suffering?

What suffering?

- Alright, my suffering has ended.

But he was totally losing it.

I mean, you heard him.

He thought Topanga was in the store.

- But did he deserve it?

I mean, to die?

- What do I look like the pope?

Call it karma, justice, whatever.

Tonight, things caught up with him.

- When are things gonna catch up with us?

- They're not.

We're the good guys, remember?

We didn't do this for us.

We did it for the kids, and not Jerry's Kids, my kids.

Your cousins.

You hold on to that, Morris.

That's what I'm gonna do.

(sultry music)

- Hi, I'm Rebecca and I'm bulimic.

- [Group] Hi Rebecca.

- Ding Dongs, Snowballs, and Twinkies, oh my.

Right now I've got bags of them out in my car.

I was about to go on the I hate my father diet.

In case you can't tell, I have issues.

He can keep the fucking credit cards.

The nerve.

First he kills my sister, then he wants me to go to work

for him?

I can't even stand to be in the same room with him.

After what he did.

He's dead to me.

(phone ringing)

- Hey.

What?

Are you shitting me?

- Is everything okay?

- Bullshit, this is bullshit.

I mean whoever did this is a goddamn animal,

a vicious lowlife scum of an asshole who deserves

to have their chest cavity sliced open and their

insides ripped out until they've suffered an agony

never before experienced by a human being!

This is really good iced tea.

- Mom.

- Oh baby.

(doorbell rings)

- Detectives Ray Stoker and Pam Rudin,

LAPD robbery homicide.

Is there somewhere we can talk?

- Of course.

The last time I saw Bernie?

Sorry, I just still can't believe it.

It's all so unreal.

So unfair.

- Need a moment?

- No.

I have to be strong.

It was yesterday, when we, I'm sorry, we made love.

- We're going to need samples from you.

Fingerprints, hair, blood.

- Blood?

My goodness.

- It's standard procedure.

- Of course.

And I wanna cooperate in any way that I can.

- Was there anyone that had anything against your husband?

Did he owe anyone money?

- My husband Bernie is...

Was most incredible man I've ever met.

A woman like me doesn't leave primetime for just anyone.

- Of course not.

- Now he's gone and I'm haunted by the words

of Emily Dickenson.

Death is all we know of heaven, and all we need of hell.

They think it was gang related.

- Hot damn.

- Don't start buttering the corn just yet.

We've got trouble.

I lost an earring.

- So, what the hell, buy another one.

Hey, get two.

- Mom?

What are you guys doing?

Were you kissing?

- No.

Of course not.

We were just discussing the case.

The police.

There is a vicious killer out there and they had better

find him before he knocks over a Best Buy.

Or a Fry's Electronics.

- Right, that would be terrible.

- Honey, just give us a minute, okay?

- Okay.

- Now listen to me, I lost an earring the other night

at the store.

- What?

Jesus Christ, what the hell are we gonna do?

- Well I can't do anything, but you can.

The Van Nuys manager visits the home office all the time,

right?

- Except that it's a crime scene.

So as soon as the police they finish their investigation

I'll mosey on over there and give it a thorough once over

but in the meantime, fuck fuck fuck!

Alyssa, we are in deep shit.

- Morris, relax.

It's the LAPD.

That's like being investigated by a crossing guard.

Except at some point they'll probably try

to sell us narcotics.

- God, I hope so 'cause I could use some right now.

- Who wants donuts?

- [Cops] I do.

(phone ringing)

- Us Weekly?

And you know her.

This has been.

- Alyssa Rampart-Pillage is a national treasure.

Like Mark Twain or Oprah.

- So what's the story?

- Husband of a beloved TV star murdered at his appliance

store.

- It's okay.

Give me 500 words.

We'll run it in the where are they now page.

- Okay.

(crying)

(cries out)

- To bring air conditioning to the people.

Not just hot people, but all people, regardless

of how hot they are.

And to treat the customers as friends,

and to profit not only from their dollars and interest

and late payment fees, but also from their friendship.

The mission statement of Bernie's Air Conditioning.

- Hey Morris.

- George.

What's up?

- Just trying to get a look see.

- Oh.

- You know, for background.

Get a sense of place.

- Oh yeah.

Well sure hope they catch them.

- Them?

- Or him or her or, you know, them, the killers.

Or killer.

- Right.

- I'll be right back.

(sneaky music)

- I, Bernard Marion Pillage, being of sound mind,

do hereby declare this instrument to be my last

will and testament.

And the kids are all taken care of with their trust funds.

And finally, my beloved Alyssa.

Upon my death, in addition to our community property

and investments, the love of my life shall receive

100% ownership of Bernie's Air Conditioning.

(crying)

- Excuse me.

- I'll be right back.

Morris, Morris.

I'm so sorry, I thought--

- You're sorry?

Are you fucking kidding me?

- Lower your voice.

- I don't give a shit!

My own cousin, Alyssa.

My own flesh and blood, I killed him.

And for what?

Guess what?

That also wipes out any motive I might have had.

I wonder what the police will think of that.

- I wanna give you half of everything.

Business, the house, my body and soul.

And you've already got my soul.

Throw in the body, no extra charge.

Truth is, Morris.

I love you.

- Oh babe.

I love you too.

- Mom?

- Your father's golf trophies.

Now that he's gone I can't bear to look at them.

How are you, darling?

- Great.

Well you know still mourning.

Listen, I don't know if Dad mentioned it but

before he died he and I talked about me taking over

Northridge.

- Did you now?

- Kind of.

- So your father felt that you were management material.

- Well--

- No, Russell I'm glad you brought this up.

- Really?

- Of course we'd have to let Randy go.

But who am I to stand in the way of your father's wishes?

Consider it done.

- On the evening of the 7th at about 2100 hours

your husband Bernard Pillage was accosted by

an unknown perpetrator or perpetrators.

He was tied up, tortured, burglarized, and sadly murdered.

- You certainly are a lot more impressive

than those detectives on TV.

And they stole money?

- Yes ma'am.

It was money they were after.

- Your husband was a brave man to have endured

so much suffering.

- How much would you say, on a scale of one to 10?

- Well.

Enough to get the safe's combo out of him.

- So that's why they broke his leg?

Animals.

- I know this isn't the best time, but my niece

wanted me to ask--

- Oh.

- She's a really big fan.

- My pleasure, of course, of course.

There you go.

- It's a beautiful photo.

- Thanks so much.

- Thank you.

Oh Becca, Russell, great news.

They've cracked the case.

- It's about time.

So who did it?

- Well that part they're still working out.

- The police are goddamn idiots.

Someone was murdered, but they don't care

as long as they get their autographs and paychecks.

- Rebecca.

- What are you doing with my mom's earring?

My mom's jewelry box.

- I'm sorry.

Becca, are you okay?

It doesn't necessarily mean--

- I know exactly what it means, George.

Oh George.

- Well maybe it's not your dad's blood.

- It's his blood.

My mom killed him.

We need to call the police.

- Becca, hold up.

Wait.

Think about it.

If you call the police you know what they're gonna do?

They're gonna start investigating you.

- Why would they do that?

- Simple, she's famous.

- HMO Nurse was cancelled years ago.

- There's no statute of limitations on celebrity.

- What should I do, turn the other cheek?

- I'm not saying they shouldn't be told.

I just don't think you should be the one to tell them.

- You would do that for me?

What would I do without you?

- No, I'm not gonna play anyone's wacky neighbor.

Because I'm not fucking wacky.

Listen, can we talk later?

I've got someone here.

Okay.

So George, right?

- Alyssa Rampart-Pillage, you are the most

beautiful and talented woman in all of showbusiness.

- Well, I've heard that on occasion.

- I don't know if you know this, but I freelance

for Us Weekly.

And I was thinking maybe you'd be interested in--

- That is so sweet, charming, and I do like Us.

It's clever.

But I'm afraid I'm accustomed to working with,

shall we say, more established writers.

- Oh.

- We celebrities are a stubborn bunch.

We like to do what we like to do

and we only like to do it with people

who have done it before.

- I see.

- Is there something else I can help you with?

- Well I was wondering what you thought about this.

- What exactly am I looking at?

- I found that earring out there in the cleaning aisle.

Now you can't really see it in the photo,

but that's blood right on the corner of its little mouth.

- Oh my goodness.

Well perhaps you should share this with the police.

- No.

That would only confuse them.

You're not a monster like everyone says you are!

You're a widowed wife and a grieving mother

with really, really bad luck.

- Well I do like your take.

- I thought you might.

- And if I grant you this interview, you will give me

the earring?

- So what do you say?

- I say I love working with new writers.

(phone ringing)

- [George] It's George, leave a message at the (beeps).

- It's me, Rebecca.

Been two whole days.

Just wondering, did you go to the police?

Are they working on this?

Give me a call when you get a chance,

or better yet, I'm gonna come by.

- Hey hey, Rebecca.

Hey, sorry, just got in, just right now.

What's up?

- Did you go to the police?

- Yeah.

They're working on it, they seemed really excited

by the evidence.

- Well why didn't you call?

- Well uh God these cell phones are terrible.

(mimicking static)

Can you hear me?

Can you hear me?

We'll just, we'll talk later okay, bye.

- Cell phone?

That was no cell phone.

- This George Abadaka.

Did come in here and he gave us an earring.

We tested it twice.

No blood.

- No blood?

How is that possible?

- Let me ask you a question.

Where were you the night your father died?

- No.

I get it.

You're taking her side because she's famous.

- Didn't you say your father was quote, dead to you?

- What are you, following me?

I didn't kill my father, my mother did.

And if you guys weren't so goddamn starstruck,

you'd know that by now.

- Hey, you watch your mouth young lady.

- You'd be surprised what can come out of this mouth.

Mouth.

Oh God.

Look, the earring that George gave you, did it have

a happy face on it or a sad face?

(yells)

- Rebecca?

That is a priceless collectible.

Put that plate down.

(smashes)

- Sorry.

- Not where does it hurt?

I was nominated for that episode.

What is wrong with you?

- What could possibly be wrong with me?

(gasps)

- No, Rebecca please, that's Mouth to Mouth

from season three.

(smashes)

That was irreplaceable.

- You know what was irreplaceable?

Daddy was irreplaceable.

- Why are you saying that?

- You know exactly why I'm saying that.

- No, no I don't.

- Oh really?

(smashes)

- That was HMO for the Holidays.

That was a two parter.

Now you listen to me, young lady.

You better think long and hard before making

any accusations.

- I'm not scared of you, Mother.

Even if you did kill Daddy.

- Maybe you should discuss this with Scott.

- I don't need to talk to my shrink, Mother.

There's only one thing I need.

And do you know what that is?

Do you?

If it takes me the rest of my life I am going to make you

pay for what you've done.

(shouting)

- Mom?

Rebecca, what the fuck?

- Well?

- Obviously the past few months have taken

quite toll on your sister.

Yes, is this Living in the Light?

I'd like to make a reservation.

- No, no, no!

- You're wrong, she didn't do it.

She couldn't have.

- Why else would she have put me in an eating disorder

clinic?

- Um, you have an eating disorder.

- She locked me in here to shut me up.

- Listen.

Blaming Mom won't bring back Topanga,

and it won't bring back Dad either.

- Okay, the police ruled out Mom because

their best evidence was the happy face earring,

only they didn't get that earring!

George switched them and gave them the sad face.

- How did he get that?

- I gave it to him.

I know, I am an idiot!

But listen!

If Mom did this, she couldn't have done it alone.

- Why not?

- Because we're talking about Mom.

When was the last time she did anything without

an audience?

(light snoring)

(bright music)

- Hello everybody.

It's me, Alyssa Rampart-Pillage.

The cool queen of air conditioning.

And I'd like you to meet my new husband Morris,

the polar prince of air conditioning.

- We're here today with Bernie's Air Conditioning elves

to mark this historic occasion.

- The groundbreaking of our newest store in Tarzana.

We've got (mumbles).

- It isn't you, it's my mother.

- You kids have to believe me.

There was an official investigation by the LAPD

and they found nothing, nothing.

Trust me.

After all, I am your mother.

- I don't even know what we're doing here.

She was starving herself but that didn't seem

to matter to you.

- What was I supposed to do, call 911 for take out?

- Is that a joke?

- Actually Russell, Mom is right.

- [Russell] She is?

- She is our mother.

She's only saying she has our best interests at heart

and she always has.

- That's right, honey.

- Mom, we love you.

- And I love you kids.

- I'll admit I've been a little moody lately, but it's

Daddy, Daddy is the one I'm really mad at.

- Dad?

- Think about it.

First he cancels our credit cards.

- Which I begged him not to do.

- Then he refused to rebuild Tarzana.

He was out of control!

- He was out of his mind.

- Not to mention what he did to Topanga.

- You kids don't know the half of it.

Your father got exactly what he deserved.

- What?

- Not that anyone deserves that.

- I can think of someone who does.

- Okay, let's hold it right there.

We don't have to reinvent the wheel in one session.

Good work everyone.

- Shit, you're right.

She not only killed him, she's proud of it.

- We can't trust the cops, we have to make sure

justice is served.

Claim an eye for an eye.

- Mom's not gonna like that.

She just got her eyes done.

- The company Christmas party's tonight, right?

- Yeah.

- Well we need to move fast, give me your cell phone.

- [Voice On Phone] Doctor's office.

- Yes, this is Alyssa Rampart-Pillage.

I'm going to be sending my son Russell for Rebecca.

That's right.

Well it's always nice to talk to a fan.

Now go to the front desk, tell them you're here

to pick me up.

- So where to?

- We need evidence, and the best place to start

is the home of a certain reporter.

(exciting music)

- Rebecca.

- He said he was into her but I didn't know

he was a freak.

- Let's find that earring.

- Face it Russell, it's not here.

- Fuck!

- Time to move on to plan B.

- You know I don't know if I'm comfortable with that.

I just got the Northridge store.

- If we don't do something they're gonna get away with it.

Is that what you want?

- Of course not.

But--

- Then it's settled.

Look, years from now we're gonna remember this night

and we're gonna honor it as the night justice

was served.

(jazzy music)

♫ When the Christmas lights are twinkling

- First Christmas without Bernie.

I don't know about you but I still feel like shit

about what we did.

- Oh Morris, give it a rest.

- Easy for you to say, you're not married to you.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- Oh I just know how you treat your husbands

and want you to know I've taken measures, Alyssa.

Anything happens to me and you're going down.

- Morris.

Nothing's gonna happen to you.

I love you.

(dance music)

- Everything's set.

- It's gonna be a red Christmas.

- Hi George, didn't know you were invited.

- I wasn't.

Would you like to dance?

- That depends.

Bring me anything?

How delightful.

- So I gotta know.

Did you like the article?

- Like it?

I practically fucked it.

Listen, Morris is well on his way to drinking himself

into a coma, why don't you stop by the house later

for a nightcap?

- Nightcap.

Sure, I could, you know I don't really drink.

(gasps)

- What?

- You be careful tonight, sugar.

- What is it?

Is that about Bernie?

- No.

This is about you.

- Well look who it is.

The war correspondent.

- Becca, hi.

Heard about your little vacation.

How are you?

- I died months ago.

- About Alyssa--

(punches)

- Here you go, Santa.

To all of you special people who make

Bernie's Air Conditioning a special place.

Cheers.

- [Crowd] Cheers.

- And as a thank you to all of you we have

a little Christmas surprise for you.

Morris?

Happy holidays.

Here you are, dear.

- What?

Toasters?

- Okay, here we go.

- This one's for you.

- Oh Santa.

You shouldn't have.

- You know me, I'm a giver.

(crowd gasps)

- Liftoff.

- Guess what everybody, we're slashing prices

til the end of the year!

- Oh ho!

- And all of Bernie's employees get an additional

10% discount on all of your holiday purchases.

(applause)

Are you out of your fucking mind?

Why would you give me that?

- I didn't.

- We are lucky that I am brilliant at improv,

otherwise we'd have ourselves a situation.

- You thought that was brilliant?

- Morris, this is no time to critique my acting.

Honest to God.

Just stay out of my sight.

(techno dance music)

(exciting music)

- It's an emerald Jag, it's not here in 30 seconds

I will kill you.

- Hey Mom, need a lift?

- Thank you, sweetheart.

I am so humiliated.

The nerve of him, giving me a murder weapon

as a Christmas present.

- That was the murder weapon, that knife?

- The detectives said it was one like that.

- Really?

Wasn't in the police report.

- Russell, this is not the way home.

- I know.

- Alyssa!

Alyssa!

- Where exactly are you taking us?

- Somewhere we can be alone.

And, you know, talk.

- Of course.

If that's what you want.

Did you have someplace special in mind?

- Oh yeah.

- There's a full moon.

- Yeah but it's still dark.

Nobody around for miles.

- I'm kind of glad I've got you to protect me.

- Alyssa?

I'm sorry.

Hey.

Forgive me, Santa might just let you trim his tree.

- Hello Morris.

(hits)

(knife clatters)

(groaning)

- Okay Russell.

Where the hell are you taking us?

- Home.

(struggling and screaming)

- Oh God!

- Sit down!

- Oh shit.

- You were so young when we left here.

You really remember it?

- Yeah, it was back when we were a family.

- We still are a family.

- You think so?

- Of course.

- I can't do this.

This is Rebecca's idea.

She thinks you killed Dad.

- And what do you think?

- I think I hate this.

I hate that Topanga's dead, I hate that Dad is dead

and what I hate most of all is that

I'm afraid you did kill him.

- Russell, listen--

- No I will not listen.

Ring, fuck!

- Rebecca, listen, you--

- No Morris, you listen.

Let's talk about your cousin.

My father.

The man who gave you work, the man who took care

of you your entire, pathetic little life.

And how do you repay him?

You stab him in the heart.

The time has come for you to pay for your sins.

May God have mercy on your soul.

Morris?

Jesus, are you okay?

For fuck's sake, Morris, what the hell are you doing?

(gasps)

- I've done some things.

Some difficult things for you and Rebecca.

- Bullshit, Alyssa Rampart-Pillage cares about one thing.

Herself.

- No Russell, I'm your mother.

I can tell when you look at me that you think

I'm full of shit.

And you know what?

You're right.

The acting, the career, the series, it's bullshit.

All of it.

The only real thing I've ever created in my whole life

is you kids.

I care about you more than life itself.

So if you're going to kill me, go ahead and do it.

- Jesus Mom, you are unbelievable.

I'm not gonna kill you.

Am I the only person left in the family

who's not a killer?

(phone rings)

Hey, has the eagle landed?

- Yeah, it landed.

I was about to clip its wings but then it hit

some turbulence.

- Turbulence?

Rebecca, what the hell are you talking about?

Is he dead or not?

- Oh he's dead alright.

- So what's the problem?

- Problem is the eagle had a fucking heart attack

and how do you frame a vulture for giving an eagle

a heart attack?

Unless.

- Mom, Mom, no, come on, shit!

- What's going on?

- Mom fucking left me here.

- I'll call you back.

(stabs)

(mysterious music)

- Whoa.

Morris?

Oh Jesus.

Alyssa.

What did you do now?

And you.

You're married to an incredible woman,

and what do you do?

You set her up.

Guess she showed you how she feels about traitors.

Huh.

(sneaky music)

- So what happened?

- Fucker had a heart attack.

Guess his pig valve must have blown a gasket.

- Jesus, Morris can't even get killed right.

- So I gave him a couple of jabs, made it look

like she did it.

- You think that'll work?

- It has to!

Morris got what he had coming.

And as for Mom, she's about to get hers too.

(exciting music)

(sirens wailing)

(taps)

- Evening, son.

Where you headed in such a hurry?

- Nowhere, just home, home, I was out and, you know,

now I'm going home.

- You been drinking?

Drugging?

Alright, driver's license and registration.

- Morris?

Morris?

Your car is here.

You home?

- Let's try and slow it down a bit next time, son.

- Yes sir.

(phone ringing)

- Whoa whoa whoa whoa.

Wait a second.

Open the fucking trunk.

- Alyssa, hi.

- What in God's name happened?

- I went back to the house like you told me to

and I found him.

I cleaned everything up for you.

And then it all went to hell.

Got pulled over for speeding and then Morris

got a call on his cellphone and here we are.

- On his cellphone?

(laughing)

I'm sorry, look.

George, I don't know what you're talking about.

You don't have to cover for me.

- It's okay, I figured 15, 20 years with good behavior

I'll be out and we can pick up right where we left off.

- You're an attractive young man,

and we're talking about prison.

I don't think you wanna be the belle of that ball.

- I wanna do this.

I see it as the ultimate way to prove my love.

- You poor, dear, sweet, stupid boy.

Now I'm only gonna say this once.

Yes, I was mad at Morris, I was angry, I was furious.

But I didn't kill him.

- Yeah just like you didn't kill Bernie.

- Right.

- But you did kill Bernie.

Didn't you?

- I didn't kill Bernie or Morris.

Or anyone.

- Wow, you really were robbed of that award.

Some people thought that Dee Wallace deserved it again,

but not me.

- George, are you out of your mind?

Under no circumstances did Dee fucking Wallace

deserve best actress that year.

- If you didn't kill Morris than who did?

- I don't know.

But I'm not the one sitting here in an orange jumpsuit.

- You don't actually think I killed him, do you?

Alyssa.

I just needed to hear you say it, okay?

Make my sacrifice worthy of you.

Just tell me that you killed one of them, either one!

It doesn't matter, please.

- Okay George, that's it.

Good luck, you're gonna need it.

- Wait, no, no!

Killer woman!

Killer, you killed both of them, killer!

No!

Just give me one more chance.

Alright, I'm close, I'm really close.

I can feel it, I can taste it even.

Look I know I can get her to crack, I know I can.

Let me wear the wire again, please.

- Sure buddy, you got her on the run.

(sultry music)

♫ Wade in the water

♫ Wade in the water children

♫ Wade in the water

♫ God's gonna trouble the water

♫ Who's that young man dressed in red

♫ Wade in the water

- [Morris Voiceover] Dear Dave.

If you're reading this, I'm dead.

Probably at the hands of Alyssa, which is why

I am giving you this key.

♫ Wade in the water

♫ Wade in the water children

♫ Wade in the water

♫ God's gonna trouble the water

♫ Who's that yonder dressed in black

♫ Wade in the water

♫ Must be the widow coming back

♫ Oh God's gonna trouble the water

♫ Wade in the water

♫ Wade in the water children

♫ Wade in the water

♫ God's gonna trouble the water

(crying)

- J'accuse!

(crowd gasps)

- You're concerned about the stores?

- They're your father's legacy.

And they're your future.

So I wanna make you a deal.

- No deals.

Squirm all you want, you're being brought to justice.

- Oh honey, this is not about justice,

it's about PR.

I want you and Russell to have the business, free and clear.

All I ask for in return is the house

and your public support.

- You think having us in court acting all concerned

is gonna make you look innocent?

- Honey, I was on network television for years,

looking innocent I can handle.

- No deal.

But maybe in prison they'll let you put on a show.

- I didn't wanna have to bring this up,

but I went to visit George the other day

before the funeral.

- That's nice.

- Turns out he didn't kill Morris.

But I think we both know who did.

So sweetie, it's not a matter of you kids supporting me.

But of all of us putting on a united front.

As a family.

- You are un fucking believable.

- So do we have a deal?

- Tonight, the private world of

TV icon Alyssa Rampart-Pillage.

I'm Lawrence Aaron, I'm sitting here with Russell

and Rebecca Pillage.

Thank you for having me in your home.

- [Both] Thank you.

- Alyssa Rampart-Pillage is one of the all-time greats

and she happens to be your mother.

So what's it like to see your mother accused

of killing your father?

- Kinda sucks, Lawrence.

- And yet you stand behind her.

You do support her, right?

- She's a complicated woman, but yeah,

she will always be our mother.

- And she will always be America's HMO Nurse.

(slow jazzy music)

- Alyssa, Alyssa!

- How does it feel to be a free woman?

- In a word, liberating.

(cheering)

- Hi, I'm Rebecca Pillage, the super chill

princess of cool.

- Hey folks, I'm Russell Pillage, the crown prince of cool.

From this day on, Bernie's Air Conditioning will be

100% green.

- Now, all our appliances feature the energy star seal.

And we're donating 10% of our profits

to a very important cause.

- [Both] Saving the rainforest.

- So come out to our newest store.

- [Both] In Tarzana!

- Cut.

That's a wrap.

You guys are naturals.

- I feel like such a tool.

- Welcome to the wonderful world of retail.

- I know I'm supposed to keep my distance,

but I just had to see my babies.

And I want you to know, I am so very, very proud of you.

Now, as we agreed, I'll go.

Goodbye, my darlings.

- [Russell] Mom, wait.

- Why don't you stay?

(sentimental music)

- And Alyssa Rampart-Pillage for Why Don't You Stay?

The Alyssa Rampart-Pillage Story.

And the winner is

Alyssa Rampart-Pillage for Why Don't You Stay?

The Alyssa Rampart-Pillage Story.

(applause)

(grand music)

This is Alyssa's first win and fourth nomination.

Congratulations.

- Wow.

Never, never did I dream of taking one of these home.

Thank you, thank you, to the Academy and just so many

people, Maria de la Torre who played Rebecca

with such sincerity and heart.

And to Tyler Shane Donovan who played Russell.

To win this award for my own life story,

well it just makes me proud.

Proud to be an actress.

Proud to be a mother.

Proud that I loved too much.

And I'd also like to--

- I'd also like to thank you for doing that.

- My babies, Rebecca and Russell,

and my darling Topanga.

I wish she could be here to see this.

For they are my inspiration, not just for the story,

but for my life.

(applause)

- So our first day as like major entrepreneurs.

What do you think?

- Think the old man would be proud.

- Really?

- Yeah we opened Tarzana under budget, went green

and exceeded all of our sales goals.

- Yeah.

But Mom.

- Mom is Mom.

Nothing we can do about her.

- Guess no one knew that better than Dad.

(sultry music)

- Coming to bed?

- In a minute.

♫ Look there yonder what do they see

♫ Wade in the water

♫ Must be the holy ghost coming for me

♫ God gonna trouble the water

♫ Wade in the water

♫ Wade in the water children

♫ Wade in the water

♫ God's gonna trouble the water

♫ Ooh

♫ They don't think I've been redeemed

♫ Wade in the water

♫ Bigger and brighter than I've ever dreamed

♫ God's gonna trouble the water

♫ Wade in the water

♫ Wade in the water children

♫ Wade in the water

♫ God's gonna trouble the water

♫ Ooh

♫ Ooh

♫ Ooh

(mysterious music)