All language subtitles for Same Time Next Year 1978 1080p WEBRip x264 RARBGSubsEnglish

* Hello

* I don't even know your name *

* But I'm hoping all the same *

* This is more than
just a simple hello *

* Hello

* Do I smile and look away *

* No, I think I'll smile
and stay *

* To see where this might go *

* 'Cause the last time
I felt like this *

* I was falling in love

* Falling and feeling

* I'd never fall in love again *

* Yes, the last time
I felt like this *

* Was long before I knew

* What I'm feeling now

* With you

* Hello

* I can't wait
till we're alone *

* Somewhere quiet on our own *

* So that we can fall

* The rest of the way

* I know

* That before
the night is through *

* I'll be talking love to you *

* Meaning every word

* I say

* Oh, the last time
I felt like this *

* I was falling in love

* Falling and feeling

* I'd never fall in love again *

* Yes, the last time
I felt like this *
* The very last time

* Was long before I knew

* What I'm feeling now

* With you *

Come on, damn it.

Hi.

Uh... hello.

That's a real
sharp-lookin' outfit.

What time is it?
My watch is on the bed table.

- Ten to 12:00?
- No, no, it's 8:25.

The stem is broken.

It's three hours
and 25 minutes fast.

Why don't you get it fixed?

I was going to,
but I got used to it.

Doesn't it mix you up?

No, I'm very quick with figures.
Oh.

Why are you looking
at me like that?

Why do you have to
look so luminous?

It would make things
so much easier if you
woke up with puffy eyes...

and blotchy skin
like everyone else.

I guess God just figured
that chubby thighs
were enough.

Look, this isn't
gonna just go away.
We have to talk about this.

Okay.

Where you going?
I wanna brush my teeth.

Dorothy, sit down.

Oh, by the way--
No, please, sit.

Dorothy, in the first place,

I want you to know
that what happened last night
was the most beautiful,

wonderful, crazy thing
that's ever happened to me,

and I'll never forget it or you.

Doris.

What?
My name is Doris.

Your name is Doris?
Yes.

I've been calling you
Dorothy all night.
I know.

Why didn't you tell me earlier?
I didn't know we were
gonna end up--

And then I did try
and tell you, but you
weren't listening.

When?

It was right in the middle
of everything.

It was incredible, wasn't it?

It was... nice.

I mean, especially
the last time.

I know, I'm an animal.

I don't know what came over me.

I mean, I was-- what--
Wait, what was wrong with
the first two times?

Well, the first time
was a little fast.

And, um,
the second time--

Listen, I really feel funny
talking about this.

It was a very beautiful
thing, Doris.

There was nothing
ugly or disgusting
about what we did.

Then how come you look
so down in the dumps?

Because my wife
is going to kill me.

Well, how's she
gonna find out?
She knows already.

- You said she was in New Jersey.
- It doesn't matter. She knows.

How?

Was it as incredible for you
as it was for me?

Do all men like to talk
about it a lot afterwards?

Why? You think I'm some kind
of a pervert or something?

Oh, no!
I was just curious.

See, I was a virgin
when I got married.
Well, at least sort of.

Sort of?

Well, I was pregnant,
but I don't count that.

Doris, that counts!

No, I mean it was by
the man that I married.
Oh, I see. I'm sorry.

Oh, that's all right.
See, Harry and me were
gonna get married anyway.

That just speeded things up
a little bit.

It turns out
I get pregnant if we drink
out of the same cup.

What's the matter?

Nothing.
I-I-I-I'm fine.

I'm all right.

Doris?
What?

I think I'm in love with you.

I mean, it's crazy.
It's really crazy.

I don't even know
if you've read
Catcher in the Rye.

Oh, no, I didn't even
finish high school.
There. You see?

I don't even care,
and I'm really a snob
about education.

Of course,
I should have known
this would happen.

When it comes to life,
I have a brown thumb.
What do you mean?

I mean nothing I ever do
turns out right.

First time--
First time I had sex,
I was 18 years old.

We were in the backseat
of a parked 1938 Dodge sedan.

Right in the middle of it,
we were rear-ended.

Oh. And you didn't have
any insurance?

No, that's not exactly
what I mean. I mean--

Oh.
Look, take last night.

You know what
the radio was playing
while we were making love?

No.
"If I Knew You Were Coming,
I'd Have Baked A Cake."

So?
So that's gonna be our song.

Is it?
No.

I mean, other people
would have gotten "Be My Love"
or "Some Enchanted Evening."

Me, I get
"If I Knew You Were Coming,
I'd Have Baked A Cake."

What is it?

I really want to
take a bath now.

Oh, I'm so--
Oh, I see. I'm sorry.

It's okay.

Yeah. Okay. Oh, sure.
I'll-- I'll wait out--
I'll be out--

Wow!

We're in big trouble, Doris.
Huh?

I really think I've fallen
in love with you.

- You wanna know what kind of luck I have?
- Yeah.

I'm happily married!

Are you Jewish?

No.

Then how come you feel so guilty?
Don't you feel guilty?

You kidding?
Half my high school became nuns.

I guess the Catholics
have rules about
this sort of thing.

Oh, yeah, we have rules
about everything.

That's what's so great
about being Catholic.

You always know where you stand.

I tell you, Doris,
I feel like slitting my wrists.

- Are you Italian?
- What's with you
and nationalities?

Nothing.
You're just so emotional.

I happen to be a C.P.A.
Oh?

I could be as logical
as the next person.
Oh.

Well, you don't strike me
as the accountant type.

It's very simple.
My whole life
has been a mess.

Figures always come out right.

What are you?
Oh, I'm Irish.

Well, they're emotional.
Why aren't you yelling
or crying or something?

I did all of that before
in the bathroom.

Crying?
Nope. Yelling.

I didn't hear you.
I stuffed a towel
in my mouth.

I'm sorry.
It's all right.

No sense crying over spilt milk.

Yeah, you're right.

How come we feel so terrible?

Because we're two decent,
honest people, and this thing
is tearing us apart.

I mean, I know
it wasn't our fault,
but I--

I keep seeing the faces
of my children and the look
of betrayal in their eyes.

I keep thinking
about my marriage vows,

the trust my wife
has placed in me...

and all the experiences
we've shared together.

And you know
the worst part of it all?

What?

While I'm thinking all this,

I have this fantastic
hard-on.

I really wish
you hadn't said that.

I'm sorry. I think
we should be totally honest
with each other.

It's not that.
It's that I have to
go to confession.

You know--

W-We're both crazy.
You know that, don't you?

I mean, this sort of thing
happens every day
to millions of people.

You don't use actual names
in confession, do you?
No.

Doris, may I ask you something?

Sure.

Would you go to bed
with me again?

Oh, George, I can't.

Why not?
'Cause we'd just
feel worse afterwards.

Oh, no. I'm over that now.
I just remembered something.

What?
The Russians
have the bomb.

We could all be dead tomorrow.

George, I think
you're clutching
at straws.

Doris, don't you understand?
No.

We're two grown-up people.

We have absolutely nothing
to be ashamed or afraid of.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

What are we gonna do?

What are we gonna do?

Uh-- Coming!
My hat. My bag.

What?
My hat! My bag!

Be right there.

Wait a minute!
Wait a minute!
Where are you going?

Okay.

- Don't go in the bathroom.
- Why not?

That's the first place
they'd look.

Oh!

Oh, hello.
Oh, good morning,
Mr. Peters.

- I've got your breakfast.
Did you have a good night?
- Yes. Fine, fine.

Uh, y-you know,
I think I heard
an owl out here.

I'm a C.P.A. When you work
hard all year, it's great
to get back to nature.

I really loved it.
That's right.

Well, thank you,
Mr. Chalmers.
You're welcome.

Have a nice day, now.
Thank you. You too.

- Enjoy the view.
- Yes, I will. I'll just
wander around by myself.

Doris?

Doris?

Have you got a woman in there?

It's okay.
It was old Mr. Chalmers
with my breakfast.

I was very calm.
He didn't suspect a thing.
He didn't ask about the girdle.

- What?
- Girdle.

Oh, great!

Now he probably thinks
I'm a homo.
Oh, well.

What do you care?
I stay here
every year.

Oh, yeah? How come?

I have a friend
who went into the wine
business near here.

I fly out the same weekend
every year to do his books.
From New Jersey?

He was my first client.
It's sort of
a sentimental thing.

Oh, I see.

Uh, Doris, I'd like
to tell you something.
Okay.

You probably think
I do this sort of thing
all the time.

I know I must appear
very smooth and glib
and sexual.

But since I've been married,
this is the very first time
I've done this.

Ah, sure. Don't worry.
I could tell.

Listen, would you mind
if I had a little
of your breakfast?

Sure.
I'm not hungry.
Thank you.

Even when I was single,
I was no good at quick,
superficial affairs.

I always had to like
the person-- What do you mean,
you could tell?

- In what way
could you tell?
- What? Oh.

Uh, well, it was
just little things,

you know, like when you tried
to take your pants off
over your shoes...

and t-- tripped
and hit your head
on the coffee table.

Just little things like that.

It's great to be
totally honest with
another person, isn't it?

It sure is.

Doris, I haven't been
totally honest with you.
You haven't?

- I told you I was a married
man with two children.
- You're not?

I'm a married man
with three children.

I thought it would make me
seem less married.

All right,
I didn't think it through,
all right?

There's been like a lead weight
inside me all morning.

I mean,
denying little Debbie
like that!

I was under a certain stress
or I wouldn't have done it.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Y-You understand?

Sure. We all do
dopey things sometimes.

Well...

I really should be going.

The nuns are gonna be wondering
what happened to me.

Nuns?
Did you say nuns?

Yeah, somehow
it just didn't seem right
to bring up last night,

but I was on my way to retreat.

Retreat?
Yeah.

See, it's right near here.

I go every year at this time
when Harry takes the kids
to Bakersfield.

What's in Bakersfield?
His mother.

It's her birthday.

Doesn't she mind
that you don't go?
No, she hates me.

'Cause I got pregnant.
Her son had something
to do with that.

Yeah, she blocks that
out of her mind.

See, he was
in his first year
of dental college...

and he had to quit
and take a job selling
waterless cooking.

So now every year
on her birthday,
I just go on retreat.

To think about God?

Well, him too, sure,
but also about myself...

'cause, see, I got pregnant
when I was just 18,

so I've never really
had any time to just think.

You know, I mean, about,

well, what I think about.

Never mind.
I don't know what
I'm trying to say.

Sometimes I think
I'm crazy.
Why?

Oh. Well,

okay, like, take my life.

Now, we live in
a two-bedroom duplex
in downtown Oakland,

and we have a 1948 Studebaker,

a blond, three-piece
dinette set,

Motorola TV.

We go bowling
at least once a week.

I mean, what more
could anyone ask for?

But sometimes...

things get me down.

Oh, I don't know.
It's dumb.

I don't think it's dumb.

You don't?
No.

You know, I can really
talk to you.

It's just amazing.

I find myself saying things
to you that I didn't
even know I thought.

I noticed that yesterday
right after we met
in the restaurant.

We had instant rapport.
Did you notice that too?

No, but I know
we really hit it off.

See, Harry's not much
of a talker, you know.

How 'bout your wife?
Do you two get
to talk a lot?

Uh-- Uh, Doris,
it's only natural...

that we should be curious
about each other's
husband and wife,

but-but rather
than dwelling on it
and letting it spoil everything,

why-- why don't we--
why don't we do this?

I'll tell you two stories
about my wife--

one showing the worst side
of her, the other showing
the best side of her.

You do the same thing
about your husband,
and then let's forget it.

Okay.
I'll go first.

I'll start with
the worst side.
Okay.

Phyllis knows about us.
Oh, you said that before.
How could she know?

She's got this thing
in her head!
Like a plate?

A plate?
Oh, my uncle
has one of those.

He was wounded in the war,

and they put
this steel plate
in his head.

Now he says
he can always tell
when it's going to rain.

I'm in big trouble, Doris.
Why?

Because I find
everything you say
absolutely fascinating.

Come on! Tell me
about your wife's
steel plate.

No, no, it's not a plate.
It's more like a bell.
A bell.

I could be a million miles away.
If I look at another woman,
it goes off like an alarm.

Oh, I see.

I just know that last night
at exactly 1:22 a.m.,
she sat bolt upright in bed...

with her head
going ding, ding, ding,
ding, ding, ding, ding!

How do you know it was 1:22?

Because I have peripheral
vision, and I noticed
my watch said 4:47.

Oh.

Well, okay, now,
tell me, um, something
nice about her.

Well... she made me
believe in myself.

It's probably hard for you
to imagine this, but there was
a time I was very insecure.

How did she do that--
make you believe
in yourself?

She married me.

Oh. Yes, well, that was
very nice of her.

Oh, no, no, no.
I meant bolstering you up
and all, you know?

Okay, your turn.
Tell me the worst story first.

Okay. Um--

Ooh, this is hard.
To pick one?

No, to think of one.

See, Harry's
the salt of the earth.
Everybody says so.

Look, you owe me
at least one rotten story.

Oh, okay.

Uh--

Well, I don't know.
This isn't really rotten,
but-- Okay?

All right.

Now, this was on
our fourth anniversary.

We decided that we'd
have some people over
to help celebrate.

So Harry doesn't usually drink,

but that night
he had three beers.

It was after
the Gillette fights.

Well, I just overheard him
talking to some of the guys,

and he said that his--

his time in the army
were the best years
of his life.

What's wrong with that?
A lot of guys feel that way
about the service.

Harry was in the army
for four years,

and three of 'em were spent
in a Japanese prison camp!

Okay. Now do you
want to hear the story
about the good side of him?

Not particularly.
Aw, come on.
You have to.

I don't want you to get
the wrong impression of him.
Okay, if you insist.

I do. Okay.

Harry's this, like,
big, heavyset kind of guy,
you know--

I really wish
you hadn't told me that.
Why?

Oh! No, don't worry.
He's gentle as a puppy.

Anyway, uh, last year
he got this great idea...

that he'd take Tony out
to fly a kite.

See, Tony's our four-year-old.

And so they went out
to the park to fly a kite,
but there wasn't any wind.

So it's about an hour later,
and I was on my way home
from the laundromat.

I passed by...

and I see Tony
sound asleep in the car.

I look out in the park.

There's Harry all alone
in the park,

all red in the face
and out of breath,

and he's just pounding
up and down...

with this huge kite
dragging on the ground
behind him.

Oh, I don't know.
It just really got to me.

Yeah, I know.

Helen has
some nice qualities too.
Who's Helen?

My wife.

You said her name was Phyllis.

No, I lied.

Phyllis! Helen!
What's the difference?
I'm married!

Look, I was nervous.
I was afraid you'd try
to look me up or something.

I didn't want to
leave any clues.

Is your name
really George?
Well, of course it is.

You think I'd lie
about my own name?

Yes.
That would be crazy!

Well, you're pretty crazy.

It's funny, isn't it?

Here we are in a hotel room,
gazing into each other's eyes.

We're both married,
and we have six kids
between us.

Do you have any pictures?

What?
Pictures of your kids.

Yeah, but I don't think
this is the time or place.

Come on, come on.
If you show me yours,
I'll show you mine.

I keep mine
in this little folder
we got free from Kodak.

Where's yours?
You have to take
the whole wallet.

Ahh!

Ohh.

Is that the oldest one
with the glasses
and baggy tights?

Yeah, that's Michael.
Funny-looking kid,
isn't he?

No. What does he
wanna be, Superman?

No, Peter Pan.

I'm kinda worried about him.

Why is this one's face
all scrunched up?

That's Paul.
That was taken
on a roller coaster.

Isn't it natural looking?

Right after that he threw up.

Yeah, he's really, um--

I guess he-- I guess
he takes after Harry.

No, both of us, really.

What's your
little girl's name?
Debbie.

That was on her second birthday.
We were trying to get her
to blow out the candles.

She's got her hand
in the cake.
Neat is not her strong suit.

Ohh.

You have
great-looking kids,
George.

Thank you.
So do you.

Thank you.

Okay, but this is the last time.

* Hello

* The seasons
have come and gone *

* And the world
goes tumbling on *

* Look what's happened
since I last saw your smile *

* Hello

* Love's invited us back here *

* The same as she did
last year *

* To come and spend

* A while

* And the last time
I felt like this *
* The very last time

* I was falling in love

* I was falling

* Falling and feeling

* I'd never fall in love again *

* Yes, the last time
I felt like this *
* The very last time

* Was long before I knew

* What I'm feeling

* What I'm feeling now
with you **

Be sure and tell me
before you come out.

Right now.
Wait a minute. Not yet.

I'm getting bored.
Okay, come on out.

**
* If I knew you were coming
I'd have baked a cake *

* Baked a cake Baked a cake *

* If I knew you were coming
I'd have baked a cake *

* How d'you do
How d'you do
How d'you do **

That's wonderful.

Happy anniversary, darling.

Blow out the candles
and make a wish.
All right.

What'd you wish?
I only have one wish.

What?
That you keep on
showing up here every year.

What?
You hate my hair,
don't you?

I told you,
I love your hair.
Really?

I don't know. Next time
I'm going to go into the city
to get it done.

How are the suburbs?
Oh, muddy, mostly.

Right now everyone's
very excited.

Next week they're gonna
connect the sewers.

It's not exactly the life
of Scott and Zelda,
but we're surviving.

Uh, let's go over there.

Scott and Zelda, huh?
You started reading.

Oh, you don't know
the half of it.

I've joined
the Book of the Month Club.
Good for you!

Sometimes I even take
the alternate selections.

Thank you.

Good evening,
Mr. Peters, ma'am.

Hello, Mr. Chalmers.
Nice to see you again.

Good to be back.

Well, how 'bout you?
Are you still
in New Jersey?

No. We moved
to Connecticut.
Really?

We bought a barn
and converted it.
Oh, what's it like?

Drafty.

Helen's got
the decorating bug now.

I have this mental picture
of her at my funeral,

as they're closing the lid
to my coffin, throwing in
two fabric swatches...

and yelling out,
"Which one do you like?"

That's the bad story
about her.
What else is new?

Oh, how's Michael?

Crazy as ever.

He had this homework assignment
to write about what he did
on his summer vacation.

Trouble was, he wrote
what he actually did.
What?

Tried to get laid.

He wrote in great
comic detail about
his unfortunate tendency...

to get an erection
on all forms of public
transportation.

The school almost suspended him.

You're crazy about him,
aren't you?

He's a very weird kid, Doris.

You know what?
I think that one
really gets to you.

Come on, now.
Admit it.

All right, I admit it.
He's a nice kid.

There.
Was that so hard?

Mmm.
What was that for?

For everything.

For this.

For one beautiful weekend
every year with no cares,

no ties,

no responsibilities.

Thank you, Doris.

Doris.

Gee, and I just got
all dressed up.

Mmm.

Oh, somebody has
a rotten sense of timing.

Damn.

Hello?

Yes, this is Daddy!

Is there anything wrong?

Funny?

That's probably because
Daddy was just, uh, uh--

I have a frog
in my throat, sweetheart.

Uh... wh--

Oh, it came out, huh?

Ohh. Well, of course
the tooth fairy will come.

Well, tonight, of course.

Well, sweetheart,
I wish Daddy could
find it for you,

but I'm, uh...
I'm working.

Honey, does Mommy
know you called?

Oh, I'll try.
Yes, I love you too,
sweetheart.

Yes, I do!

Very much! Ye--

Okay.

Okay, bye.

Oh, God, I feel so guilty!

Was that Debbie?

Her tooth came out,
and she can't find it,

and she's afraid
the tooth fairy
won't know.

Oh, God, that thin,
reedy little voice!
You know what that does to me?

Sure, that cheerful look
on your face doesn't
fool me for a minute.

You think this is funny?

Doris, my little girl, said,
"I love you, Daddy,"

and I answered her in a voice
still hoarse with passion.

I get the picture, George.

Don't you ever feel guilty?

Sometimes.
Well, you never
say anything.

Well, I just handle it
in a different way.
How?

Privately.

Boy, something like this
really brings you up short.

I mean, look at this.
Look at me. Look.

I tell you, Doris,
when she started talking
about the tooth fairy,

that affected me
in a very profound manner.

On top of which,
I have indigestion
you won't believe.

It hit me that hard, you know?

I have three children too,
you know, George?

What do you want me to do?

It would be terrific
if you stopped talking
about it.

It is only making you
feel worse.
I can't feel worse!

That pure little voice--
No, you're right.
Oh!

No, forget it.
Change the subject.

So t-tell me
about the good story
about Harry.

He went bankrupt.

How can you go bankrupt
selling TV sets?

Harry has one little failing
as a salesman.

It's a compulsion
to talk people out of things
that they can't really afford.

He kind of lacks
the killer instinct.

Actually, it's one
of the things about him
that I like best.

Oh, listen. Something
just occurred to me.

Instead of my leaving at
my usual time, would you mind
if I left a little earlier?

When did you have in mind?
There's a plane
in half an hour.

You want to leave
23 hours early?

There's a connecting flight
from San Francisco
in 90 minutes.

I know how you feel.
Really, I do.

I wouldn't suggest it
if you weren't a mother
and didn't understand.

It wouldn't even occur to me
if-if this crisis
hadn't come up.

I don't mean
just the tooth fairy.

She could have swallowed
the tooth.

It could be lodged
God knows where.

Uh... have you seen
my hairbrush?

Doris, I'm probably
doing you a big favor.

If I did stay, I probably
wouldn't be very good company.
I'm thinking of you too.

With the way I'm feeling--
You probably understand.

You feel somewhat
rejected, right?

I understand.
Really, I do.

I just want you to know
that my leaving has nothing
to do with you and me.

This is an emergency!
I have a sick child
at home!

Will you stop!

This has nothing to do
with the goddamn
tooth fairy!

You are simply feeling guilty,

and you wanna get
as far from me as possible.

All right!
I feel guilty, yes!

Is that so strange?

Doris, we're cheating.

Once a year
we lie to our families...

and sneak off to a hotel
in California...

and commit adultery!

Not that I want to
stop doing it.

But yes, I feel guilty.
I admit it.

You admit it?

You take out ads.

I'll bet you stop strangers
on the street!

Y-You probably have
a scarlet "A" embroidered...

on your jockey shorts.

You go around
like an open nerve saying,

"Yes, I'm cheating,
but look how guilty I feel,

so I must really be
a nice guy."

Then-- Then to top it all,
you have the incredible
arrogance...

of thinking you're
the only person in the world
with a conscience.

Well, that doesn't make you
a nice guy, George!

You know what
that makes you?
A horse's ass!

I liked you a lot better
before you joined
the Book of the Month Club.

Yes, I'll just bet you did.

- Look, can we
discuss this in the car?
- The car?

I really hate to ask you,
Doris, but I need a lift
to the airport.

Cheer up, Doris.
It's not the end of the world.
I'm not leaving you permanently.

I'll see you next year.

No, I don't think you will.

Just because I have to
leave early one year,

you're willing to throw away
a lifetime of weekends?

How can you be so casual?

I don't see any point
in going on.
Don't do that to me.

Don't try to manipulate me.
I get enough of that
at home.

What's the sense of meeting
in guilt and remorse, huh?
What joy is there in that?

Look, I have
a commitment there.
And you have none here?

Here? I thought
our only commitment here
was to show up every year.

Nice and tidy, huh?

Just two friendly sex partners
that meet every year
and touch and let go.

Is that it?
So maybe I was
kidding myself.

- I'm human.
- So am I.

But you're different.
You're stronger.

Y-You seem able
to take care of yourself.

Listen, I'm gonna
tell you something.

In the past year,
I've picked up the phone
to call you 10 times.

I couldn't stop
thinking about you.

You kept slipping over
into my real life, and it
scared the hell out of me.

More to the point,
I felt guilty.

So I decided that we
shouldn't see each other
anymore.

I wasn't even going to come,
but I thought at least I
owed you an explanation,

so I came.

When you walked through
the door, I knew I couldn't
go through with it,

that no matter what the price,

I was willing to pay it.

You better get on your plane.

I love you, Doris.
I'm an idiot.

I suspect
I'm deeply neurotic
and I'm no bargain,

but I do love you.

Will you let me stay?

* Oh, the last time
I felt like this *

* I was falling in love

* Falling and feeling

* I'd never fall in love again *

* Yes, the last time
I felt like this *

* Was long before I knew

* What I'm feeling now

* With you

* What I'm feeling now

* With

* You *

No, of course I
haven't left Helen.

I'm on a business trip.

I come up here every year.

I am not running away
from the problem.

Of course I know it's serious.

I still don't think
that's any reason to call me
long distance and try--

Yes, I saw a doctor.

He said-- He said
it's no big deal.

He said every man
has this problem
at one time or another and--

Look, if we have to
discuss this, you might as well
learn to pronounce it correctly.

It's impotence,
not im-po-tence.

It is not something
you have to nip in the bud!

Yes, of-- of course
I'm gonna try to do
something about it.

Would you let me
handle this in my own way?
Would you pl-- May I--

I-- I'm gonna be fine,
all right?

I'm gonna--
I'm gonna be okay.
I can feel it. I know it.

I'm seeing someone out here
who's an expert.

I'm gonna hang up now!

Good-bye, Mother!

Hello, Mr. Chalmers.
Afternoon, ma'am.

George?

Be right out, darling.

**

**

**

How are you, lover?

Guess what.

Oh, my God!

What did you do to yourself?

Well, I can't take
all the credit.

It was sort of a mutual effort.

George, when you haven't seen
an old friend in a whole year,

isn't it customary
to give 'em a kiss hello?
What?

A kiss?

Kiss?

Oh, yeah. Oh, sorry.

Oh. Ohh.

You okay, pal?
Oh, I'm fine.

I'm fine. I'm just
a little surprised.
You're surprised.

I insisted upon visiting
the dead rabbit's grave.

George, how come you're
wearing your robe and pajamas
in the afternoon?

I'm rehearsing
a Noel Coward play.

Is there something on your mind?

Uh, no, not anymore.
No.

You must be
eight months pregnant.

Exactly.

Oh, come on!
It's not all that tragic.

We can find some other way
to communicate.
Great. Great.

You got any ideas?

Is there something else
bothering you?

No. Mm-mmm. No.

Well, you know,
every year it is always
a little awkward...

when we first meet.

We manage to take care of that
with a lot of heavy breathing
between the sheets.

Uh, Doris, uh--

if we're not gonna do it,
do you mind if we don't
talk about it?

No, I just meant maybe
we need something else
to help break the ice.

Well, I'm wide open
to suggestions.
Okay.

How 'bout this?

How about if, uh, if I
tell you some deep, dark
secret about myself...

that I've never
told anyone before,

and then you tell me
some secret about yourself.

- I've had enough surprises.
- You're gonna like this one.

I've been having
sex dreams about you.

Oh, yeah?
Almost every night too.

What kind of sex dreams?
That's what's so strange.

They're always the same.

I mean, we're making love,
but it's always underwater.

It's in caves, grottos,
swimming pools,

but always underwater.

Isn't that weird?

I think it probably
has something to do
with my being pregnant.

Always underwater, huh?
Come on.

You tell me
some deep, dark secret
about yourself.

I can't swim.

I'll start with
the good story about her.

You've never
done that before.
You must be mellowing.

Doris, do you mind?
No, I don't mind.

We went to London,

and as we were checking
into the hotel,

there was a man
in a formal coat
and striped pants...

standing at
the front entrance
of the hotel.

Helen handed him her suitcase
and breezed into the lobby.

The man followed her in and
politely explained that not only
didn't he work at the hotel,

but that he was
the Danish ambassador.

And without
batting an eye,
Helen said,

"Well, that's marvelous!
You can tell us the good places
to eat in Copenhagen."

And he did!

The point is,
it doesn't bother her at all...

if she makes
a total ass of herself.

I really admire that.

And what is it
that you don't admire?

It's that damn
sense of humor of hers.

Good. These are always
the stories I like best.

We'd been to a party,

and we'd had a few drinks.

So we went to bed
and we started making love,

and nothing happened.

I mean, for me.

I mean, I couldn't--

Well, you get the picture.
Yeah. It was no big deal.

I mean, we laughed about it.

Then about a half hour later,
just as I was going to sleep,

Helen turned to me
and said, "It's funny.

When I married a C.P.A.,
I always thought it would be
his eyes that would go first."

Well... she was just
trying to make you
feel better.

Well, it didn't.
Some things aren't funny.

What I'm trying to say is
the thing that bugs me
the most about Helen...

is that she broke my pecker.

- You're impotent.
- Slightly.

That's five people who know.

You, me, Helen
and her mother.
Who's the fifth?

Chet Huntley. I'm sure
her mother has given him
the bulletin for the 6:00 news.

Honey,
when did this happen?
Happen?

Doris, we're not talking
about a throughway accident.

You don't wake up one morning
and say, "Shoot, the family
jewels have gone on the blink."

It's a gradual thing.

And how's Helen reacting to it?

We haven't discussed it much.

I got the impression
she regards it as a lapse
in one's social responsibility.

Rather like letting
your partner down in tennis
by not holding your serve.

I'll be all right.

The patient's not dead,
just resting.

Doris, that statement
hardly calls
for congratulations.

No, I need help getting up.

Is there anything I can say
that would make you feel
any better?

You can say
anything you want except,
"It's all in your head."

I'm no doctor, but I have
a great sense of direction.

What shall we talk about?

Anything but sex.

How do you feel being pregnant?

Oh, catatonic,

incredulous,

angry,

pragmatic and...

finally maternal.

Pretty much in that order.
Your vocabulary
is improving.

Oh, you don't know.

You happen to be speaking
to a high school graduate.

No kidding. How come?

I was confined to my bed
for the first three months
of my pregnancy,

so it shouldn't be
a total loss, I took
a correspondence course.

You're really something,
you know that?

- There's kind of an
ironic twist to all this.
- What?

I didn't graduate
from high school the first time
because I got pregnant.

Now I did graduate
from high school
because I got pregnant.

I don't know.
That kind of appeals
to my sense of order.

Harry still selling real estate?

No. Insurance.

He likes it, though.

Gives him a chance to look up
all his old army buddies.

Are you comfortable
in that position?

When you're in my condition,
you're not comfortable
in any position.

Come on.
Sit over here.

Oh, that's good.

Now, tell me, how are the kids?

They're fine.
Michael just got a job
with the Associated Press.

Really?
Oh, that's terrific!
Isn't that great?

Gee, I feel so proud of him.

What?

George, why are you
looking at me like that?

No reason.

I ju-- It's too--
I was won-- uh--

Fir-First I was try--
Nothing! Forget it.
It's all right.

Just, uh, tell me the--
tell me the other story
about Harry.

You know.

George, what is it?
You're still doing it.

It's obscene!
What is?

When I touched you
just now, I started
to get excited.

What kind of a pervert am I?

Staring at a 200-pound
pregnant woman,
and I'm getting hot.

Well, I'll tell you something.

That is about the nicest thing
anybody's said to me
in months.

It's not funny, Doris.

I really got to ya, huh, fella?

Uh, would you excuse me?

**

That's incredible!
Are you as good as I think
you are?

How good
do you think I am?
Sensational.

I'm not as good
as you think I am.

But that piano's been
sitting here for 10 years,
and you've hardly touched it.

Why tonight?
It beats a cold shower.

You mean, you play
to relieve sexual tension?

You don't even
get this good without
a lot of practice.

You're gonna
be exhausted.
That's the idea.

I've got a better idea.
Come on.

Doris--
Come on. It's all right.
It'll be okay.

But--
But you can't--

Well, I know that.
Well, then how--

Well, we can
work something out,
can't we?

Oh.
What-- What is it?

Aah!
For God's sake, what is it?

Doris, what the hell
is the matter?

If memory
serves me correctly,
I just had a labor pain.

You can't have.
It must be indigestion.
No. There's a difference.

Indigestion doesn't
make your eyes bug out.

You can't be in labor.
When-- When's the baby due?

Not for another month, but--

Oh!
Oh, my God!
What have I done?

What have you done?
I brought this on
with my selfishness.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.
You had nothing
to do with it.

Doris, don't treat me
like a child.
Will you stop getting excited?

Excited?
I thought I had problems
with my sex life before.

Can you imagine what this
is gonna do to it?
Just-- Will you just--

Ohh. Oh,
I think I'd better lie down.

What kind of a man am I?
What kind of a man
would do a thing like this?

May I say something?
Doris, I appreciate
what you're trying to do,

but nothing you can say
would make me feel
any better.

I'm not trying
to make you feel any better.
I'm gonna have a baby.

I know that.
No. I mean now.

I have a history of short labor.

Oh, no! No, no, no!

No, no, no, no!
Oh, no! No!

How do you feel?

Like I'm gonna have a baby.

-Maybe it's a false alarm.
It's a false alarm. That's all.
-No. No.

No. Now, just get ahold
of yourself, honey,
and get on the phone...

and find out
where the nearest hospital is.

Hospital?
You wanna go to a hospital?

George, like it or not,

I am going to have a baby!

But we're not married.
That's going to look odd.

Will you get
on the phone, please,

and find out
where the hospital is!

- Well, where are you going?
- To the bathroom!

Why?

It's hard to explain.

Hello. Mr. Chalmers,
this is George.

Uh, where's
the nearest hospital?

Uh, well, it's-- it's my wife.
Something unexpected came up.

She got pregnant,
and now she's gonna
have the baby.

That far?

All right. Look.
Get him on the phone
right away, will ya?

Doris, are you all right?

Doris? Doris,
answer me!

I'm busy!
Oh, Jesus!

Hello? Yes, yes!
Uh, hello. Uh... hello.

Um, I'm here at
the Sea Shadows Inn
just outside of Mendocino.

I was in my room before,
and I heard this groaning
from the next room.

And, um, well,
I knock on the door,

and I found this lady--
who I've never seen before
in my life--

uh, in labor.

Do you have to know that?

George Peters.
So-- George Peters.
Peters.

I don't know.
I didn't time them. Three
or four minutes apart, I guess.

I don't know.

All right.
Uh-- Uh, hold on.

Doris? Doris,
who's your doctor?

Joseph Harrington.
Uh, Joseph Harrington.

In Oakland.
In, uh-- in Oakland.

534-0711.
534-0711.

Um-- Yes, uh, I-I have a car.
I'd be glad to take her
over there.

Sure. Uh, could you--
could you just
answer one question?

Would-- Would
erotic contact in
the last stages of pregnancy...

bring on premature--

No reason.
Just interested.
Just, you know--

Okay. I'll get her right
over there. Okay. Bye.

All right. It's okay. They're
gonna call your doctor, and he's
gonna meet us at the hospital.

We're not gonna make it
to the hospital.
My water just broke.

Oh, my God!
We're gonna have to
find a doctor in the area.

Oh, my-- Ohh, my God.
You look awful!

What if we can't find one?
You're not gonna
faint, are you?

Doris, I'm not a cabdriver!
I don't know how to
deliver babies!

George, this is no time
to start acting
like Butterfly McQueen.

Now, you just get on the phone
and find a doctor.

Ohh.

Hello. Uh, Mr. Chalmers,
where's the nearest doctor?

Well, get-- Look.
Get him on the phone
for me, will you?

This is an emergency.

It's all right.
It's okay.

No! No!

Hold on. Hold on.
It's okay, baby.

This will teach you to fool
around with a married woman!
Shh! What's the matter with you?

Get that down!
Get down! Get down!
Put that down!

Calm down. Relax.
Just keep that down.
Hel--

What do you mean,
his answering service?

W-- No, no.
Wait. Wait a second.
You don't understand.

This is an emergency.
She's in the last stages
of labor!

Well, get in your car
and drive down to
the goddamn pier and get him!

Just get him!
It's okay. It's all right.

Relax.

He's-- The doctor's
on his boat, but he's just
down-- down the road,

and, uh-- and, uh--
Chalmers is gonna drive
down there in his--

God-- in his car
and get him.

He'll be right here.

What?

What? What? What? What?

I feel the baby!
No!

George, I'm scared.

Honey, do something.

- I'll be right back.
- George, don't leave me.

- I'm right here, baby.
I'm right here.
- George!

What are those for?
We're gonna have a baby.

- "We"?
- Yeah, but I'm
gonna need your help.

Give me your hand.
Look into my eyes.

You're gonna be fine.

There's nothing to worry
about. We're together.
Okay.

You think
I play the piano well?
Yeah.

Wait till you see
the way I deliver babies.

Hey, man.
What do ya say?

Mmm. So... wanna fuck?

What?
You didn't
understand the question?

Of course I did.
I just think it's a damned
odd way to start a conversation.

Oh. Gee,
I thought it was
a great little icebreaker.

Aren't you horny
after your long flight?

I didn't fly.
I drove.
From Connecticut?

No. From Los Angeles.
We moved to Beverly Hills
about six months ago.

Ohh. How come?

A number of reasons.
I got tired of standing
knee-deep in the snow...

trying to scrape the ice
off my windshield
with a credit card.

Besides, there are people
here with a lot of money who
don't know what to do with it.

And you tell 'em?
I'm what they call
a business manager.

- How's it goin'?
- Can't complain. Why?

You look kind of shitty.

Is everything all right?

When did you start dressing
like an Indian? You look like
a refugee from the Sunset Strip.

Oh, no. I've gone
back to school-- Berkeley.

Why?
Why?

You mean,
what do I want to be
when I grow up?

Well, you have to admit
it's a bit odd becoming
a schoolgirl at your age.

Hey, listen. You think it's easy
being the only one in your class
with clear skin?

What made you do it?
Actually, it was a dinner party
that made me decide.

Harry's boss invited us over
for dinner, and I just freaked.
Why?

Well, I'd spent so much time
at home with the kids
that I really wasn't sure...

I was capable of carrying on
an intelligent conversation with
anyone over the age of five.

So, anyway, we went,
and I got seated
right next to the boss.

But, you know,
I surprised myself. I mean,
he talked and I talked.

It was just like
a regular conversation.

I thought everything was cool,

till I noticed that
he was looking at me
in kind of a weird way.

I looked down at his plate
and discovered that all the time
we had been talking,

I'd been
cutting up his meat
for him.

That's when I decided
that I'd better get
out of the house.

Yeah, but why school?
Oh, I don't know.

I felt restless and undirected,
and I thought school would
give me some answers.

What sort of answers?
You know,
like where it's really at.

Jesus.
What?

That expression.

Okay.
I wanted to find out
who the hell I am.

You don't get answers
like that from the classroom.

Well, I'm not in
a classroom all the time.

I'll tell ya, the protests
and demonstrations...

are a learning experience
in themselves.

Protests against what?

The war.
Didn't you hear about it?
It was in all the papers.

Demonstrations
aren't gonna stop the war.

Oh, really?
Have you got
a better idea?

Look, I didn't
drive all the way up here
to discuss politics.

Well, so far
you've turned down sex
and politics.

Would you like to try religion?

I think I'll try a Librium.

Jesus.

Ohh. Honey,
why are you so uptight?

That's another expression
I hate.
"Uptight"?

There's no such word.
You remind me
of my mother.

When I was nine,
I asked her
what "fuck" meant.

You know what she said?
"There's no such word."

And now you know there is,
you feel compelled to use it
in every other sentence?

What is bugging you?
"Bugging" me? I'll
tell you what's bugging me.

The blacks
are burning down the cities.

There's a Harvard professor
telling my kids the only way
to happiness...

is to become doped-up zombies.

And I have a teenage son
with hair so long
that from the back,

he looks exactly
like Yvonne De Carlo.

You know that's a sign
of age, don't you?
What is?

When you start worrying
about the declining morality
of the young.

Besides, there is nothing
you can do about it.

We can start
setting some examples.

As I recall, when you
were a little younger,

you were not exactly
a monk about that sort
of thing.

That was different.

Our relationship is not based
on a casual one-night stand.

No. It's been
15 one-night stands.

It's not the same.
We shared things.

My God. I helped
deliver your child.
Remember?

Remember?

I consider that our finest hour.

- How is she?
- Georgette?

Ooh, she's very healthy,
very noisy and very spoiled.

Don't you feel guilty
leaving her alone
when you go to school?

No. Harry's home a lot.

How does Harry feel
about all this?
Oh.

When I told him I wanted
to go back to school
to get some identity,

he said to me, "You want
identity, go build a bridge,
invent penicillin.

Just get off my back."

I always said Harry
had a good head
on his shoulders.

That was supposed
to be the bad story
about him.

How's Helen?

Helen's fine, just fine.

Hmm. Why don't you
tell me a story that shows
how really rotten she can be?

That's not like you.

I know, but it seems
like we need something
to bring us together.

I thought a really lousy story
about Helen would make you
appreciate me more.

Okay. As you know,
she has this funny sense
of humor.

By funny, I take it
you mean peculiar.
Right.

And it comes out
at the most inappropriate times.

I had just signed this client--
very proper,
very old money.

Helen and I were invited
to his house for cocktails
with him and his wife.

Well, it was all pretty awkward,

but we managed to get
through the drinks all right.

Then, as we were leaving,
instead of walking
out the front door,

I walked into the hall closet.

Well, that wasn't so bad.
Anybody could've done that.

My mistake was
I stayed in there.

You stayed in the closet?

I wasn't sure anybody
had seen me go in.
Aha.

I guess I figured
I'd stay in there
until they'd all gone away.

All right. Maybe
I didn't think things through.

I was there a minute before
I realized I had probably
misjudged the situation.

And then when I came out,
the three of them
were just staring at me.

Well, it was pretty awkward,
but I probably could've carried
it off except for Helen.

- You know what she did?
- What?

She peed on the carpet.

She did what?
Well, not right away.

First, she started to laugh.

Her face was all screwed up.
She was holding her sides.

Tears were streaming
down her cheeks. And then
she peed all over the carpet.

What did you say?

I said, "You'll have to
excuse my wife.

Ever since her last pregnancy,
she's had a problem."

Then I offered
to have the rug cleaned.

- Did that help?
- No. They said they had a maid,
and it wouldn't be necessary.

You think this is funny?
Listen.

I've been meaning
to tell you this
for a long time.

I just love Helen.

Would she come off
any worse if I told you
I lost the account?

Oh, George, when
did you get so stuffy?

Stuffy?
Yeah.

Am I stuffy because
I don't like my wife to
urinate on my client's carpet?

Well, I didn't mean
just that, honey, but--

Well, look at you.
You just scream
establishment.

I am not a faddist.

- What do you mean?
- I mean I have no desire to
be those middle-aged idiots...

who walk around
in bell-bottomed trousers
and Prince Valiant haircuts...

saying "ciao."

Well, I wasn't just
talking about fashion. I was
talking about your attitudes.

My attitudes are the same
as they always were.
I haven't changed at all.

Oh, yes, you have.
You used to be kind of,
well, crazy and insecure...

and a terrible liar,
but awfully human.

Now you-- I don't know.
You just seem so sure
of yourself.

- That's the last thing I am.
- Oh, yeah?

I picked up one of
Helen's magazines the other day,
and there was this article...

telling women what sort
of orgasms they should have.

It was called "The Big 'O.'"

You know what really
got me about that?

This was a magazine
my mother used to buy
for its fruitcake recipes.

Well, the times,
in fact, are a-changing,
darling.

Too fast.

I don't know.
Twenty, thirty years ago,
we had standards.

Maybe they were black
and white, but at least
they were standards.

Now--

It's so confusing.

Well--

That's at least a step
in the right direction.

When did I suddenly
become so appealing?

When you went
from pompous to confused.

All right.
Now, tell me, sir.

What's your pleasure?

A walk by the ocean...

or a good book...

or...

me?

You.
Oh, I thought
you'd never ask.

What?

Doris, you're not wearing a bra.

George, you're so 40s.

I'm a very old-fashioned man.

Next, you'll be
telling me you voted
for Goldwater.

I did.

You're putting me on.

No. Of course not.

What are you doing?

If you think I'm going to bed
with any son of a bitch
who voted for Goldwater,

you're crazy.

Doris,
don't do this to me.
Not now.

How could you vote
for a man like that?
Yuck!

Can we discuss this later?
No. We'll
discuss it right now.

- Why did you vote for him?
- Because I have a son who wants
to be a rock musician.

What kind of reason is that?
The best one I can come up
with in my condition.

I'm sorry, George,
you're gonna have to do
a whole lot better than that.

All right. He wanted
to end the war, okay?
Sure, by destroying the country.

He never said that. That's
the trouble with you people.
You never listen.

It's a civil war.
We have no right being there
in the first place.

Oh, I'm so sick
of hearing that liberal crap.

We have the bomb.
Why don't we use it?
Are you serious?

You're damned right I am.
Wipe the sons of bitches
off the face of the earth.

Oh, my God!
I don't know anything
about you!

- What kind of man are you?
- Right now,
a very frustrated one.

All this time, I thought
I was going to bed
with a liberal Democrat.

Wait a minute.
You told me you worked
for Stevenson.

That was years ago.
So what happened?
What changed you?

I grew up.
Oh, yeah? Well,
as far as I'm concerned,

you didn't turn out too hot.

Let's just forget it, huh?
Oh, I'm not gonna forget it!

I mean, being stuffy
and old-fashioned is one thing,
but being a fascist is another.

I am not a fascist!
Well, you're
advocating mass murder!

Let's just drop it.
No, I'm not--
I'm not going to drop it.

You stand for everything
that I'm against.

Maybe you're
against the wrong things.
But you used to believe as I do.

Now, what happened?
I changed!

But why?
Because Michael
was killed!

How?

He was helping a wounded man
onto a Red Cross helicopter,
and a sniper killed him.

When?

We got word during
a Fourth of July party.

Helen went completely to pieces.

I thought I was in shock
and that I'd feel it later,
you know?

I never did.

I've never shed a tear.

All I've ever
been able to feel
is blind anger.

I never shed a tear.

Isn't that something?

He was my son.
I love him.

And for the life of me...

I can't seem to cry for him.

Oh.

Doris, I'm sorry.
No.

About--
About everything.

I've been a bit on edge lately.

Just seems
to be one damn--

* Dreams make promises

* They can't keep

* They can swindle you

* While you sleep

* And the morning finds you *

* Wondering why

* It seems

* When we're young
in dreams we trust *

* Maybe growing up is just *

* Kissing certain dreams

* Good-bye *

You know, it's amazing
how good it can be
after 21 years, isn't it?

Well, if you add up
all the times we actually
made it together,

we're still on our honeymoon.

Did I tell you
I'm a grandmother?
No.

But I think
you picked a weird time
to announce it.

Congratulations.
Thank you.

Anyway, you're
the youngest-looking grandmother
I've had a peak experience with.

Well, my mother thanks you.
My father thanks you.

My hairdresser thanks you.
And my plastic surgeon
thanks you.

When Harry says,
"You're not the girl I married,"
he doesn't know how right he is.

Didn't Harry like your old nose?

Harry thinks
this is my old nose.

He never noticed?
No.
Isn't that pathetic?

I mean, a new dress
or something, I could
understand, but a whole nose?

Well, to be totally honest,
I don't see any difference
either.

Well, I don't care.
It's sure different
from my side.

Makes me feel more attractive.

Anyway, that's this year's
bad story about Harry.

Have you got one about Helen?

Well, there was
this loud party next door.

Helen couldn't sleep.

And, uh, she didn't wanna
take a sleeping pill...

because
she had to get up at 6:00
in the morning.

So she took a couple
of pills and stuffed them
in her ears.

What?

During the night,
the pills melted.

Then the next day, while
the doctor was digging the stuff
out of her ears,

he said, "You know,
these can be taken orally."

Helen just laughed.
She didn't care.

I'll tell you something.
If that's the worst story
you can tell about your wife,

you must be a very happy man.

Well, let's just say
I've discovered the potential
for happiness.

Yes, Liz?

No, honey.
It's 60 guests, not 16.

There's no problem.
We've catered parties
for her lots of times. It--

I know,
but she puts little tables
around her swimming pool,

and then there's room
on the patio for the buffet.

Right.
It's a brunch.

Right. That's okay.
Sure.

Uh, Liz, did Harry call?

Okay. You know
where to reach me, huh?

I'm sorry.
It was a busy weekend,
and I had to leave a number.

Does Harry know you're here?
No. Harry still thinks
I go on retreat.

Don't worry.

I'm not worried.
Yeah? Then why
are you frowning?

I'm getting bad vibes again.
Again?

Yeah. When you first
walked in, I picked up
on your high tension level.

Then after we made love,
I sensed a certain
anxiety reduction,

but, uh, now I'm getting
definite negative feedback.

When did you go into analysis?

- How did you know
I was in analysis?
- Just a wild guess.

What made you start?

My value system changed.
One day, I took a look
at my $150,000 house...

and the three cars in the garage
and the swimming pool
and the gardeners,

and I asked myself, "Why?"

I mean, did I really
want the whole status trip?

So I decided to try
to find out what I did want
and who I was.

So you went from analysis
to Esalen to Gestalt...

to encounter groups
to transactional
to nirvana, huh?

Just because some people
are trying to widen
their emotional horizons...

doesn't make the experience
any less valid.

I've learned a lot.
So I've noticed.

For one thing, you've learned
to talk as though you're
reasoning with somebody...

about to jump from a high ledge.

Okay, okay. I know sometimes
I tend to overcompensate
for my emotionalism.

Occasionally,
there's a loss of spontaneity.
I'm working on that.

Well, I'm glad to hear it.
What else have you learned?

That behind the walls
I've built around myself,

I'm a warm, caring,
loving human being.

Well, I could've
told you that 20 years ago.

Tell me. How's Helen
reacting to your voyage
of self-discovery?

Well, at first,
she tended to overreact.
Oh, yeah? In what way?

She threw a grapefruit
at me in the supermarket.

Listen. It's only natural that
there'd be some interpersonal
conflicts to work through,

but now it's cool.

- Helen's into pottery.
- Oh. And what are you doing
for a living?

- **
- We live very simply,
Doris.

We don't need much. What bread
we do need, I can provide
by simple, honest labor.

Like what?
I play cocktail piano
in a singles bar in the Valley.

Yes, Liz?

No. No.
Tell 'em that's
our final offer.

Oh, that's a lot of bull.
I know it's a good piece
of property,

but he needs us
more than we need him.

Well, if he doesn't like it,
tell him to shove it.
And don't worry. He won't.

Okay, hon. Thanks.
Anything else?

All right. Well,
I'll be at this number.

Okay.

I'm buying another store.
Why?

- Money.
- Is that why you went
into business? To make money?

No. I wanted power too.
I take it you are
for women's liberation?

- Hey, I'm for any kind
of liberation.
- That's a cop-out.

Women have always been exploited
by men, and you know it.

Doris, we've all been shafted,
and by the same things.

Look. Let me
lay this on you.
I go to a woman doctor.

Oh, yeah?
First time she
gave me a rectal examination,

she said,
"Am I hurting you
or are you tense?"

I said, "I'm tense."
She said, "Are you tense
because I'm a woman?"

I said, "No. I get tense
when anybody does that
to me."

See what I mean?
Well, I don't know
about that,

but I do know
in this country, nobody
takes a woman seriously...

until she has enough money
to back up her mouth.

Hey, I think
it's great to have a hobby.

A hobby?

We grossed
a half million
the first year.

Doris, don't misunderstand me.
If that's what you want,
I'm very happy for you.

I'm just not
into the money thing anymore.

Do you ever
get the feeling
that we're drifting apart?

No. In many ways,
I've never felt closer
to you.

I don't know.
Somehow it seems to me
our lives are out of synch.

Look. We all realize
our potential in different ways
at different times.

The important thing is,
does what you do give you
a sense of fulfillment?

Well, I'm working on it.
And you have everything
you want?

With one minor exception.

Somewhere along the way,
I seem to have
lost my husband.

- Lost him?
- Well, I don't know
if I lost him...

or I simply misplaced him.

He left home four days ago,
and I haven't heard
from him since.

How do you feel
about that?
George, do me a favor.

Stop talking as though you're
leading a human potential group.
It really pisses me off.

That's cool.
What's cool?

For you to transfer
your feelings of hostility
and aggression from Harry to me.

As long as you know
that's what you're doing.
You know something?

You're really beginning
to get on my nerves.

That's cool too.
Jesus.

I mean it. At least it's honest.
Total honesty is the key
to everything.

Really?
Are you being
totally honest with Helen?

- I'm trying.
- Oh, yeah? Have you told her
about us?

No, but I could. I think
today she's mature enough
to handle it.

George, you're full of shit.

I can buy that.

I mean,
if you're being
totally honest.

Believe me. I am
being totally honest.

Well, at least it's a start.

And what about
all that other garbage?

"I don't know if I lost him
or simply misplaced him."

What kind of crap is that?
All right.
You've got a point.

So how do you feel
about all this?
You're doing it again!

Okay. I think--
Don't tell me how you think.

Tell me how you feel.

Like I've been kicked
in the stomach.

What else?

Angry. Hurt. Betrayed.

And, okay, a little guilty.
But I'll tell you something.

I really resent the fact
that he's making me
feel guilty.

Why do you feel resentment?

Well, look.
I didn't marry Harry because
he had a good head for business.

Okay. So it turns out
that I do, or maybe I was lucky.
I don't know.

The point is, I don't love him
any less just 'cause
he's a failure as a provider,

so why should
he love me less just 'cause
I'm a success?

Have you told him
you still love him?
Love him.

What's he think
I've been hanging around
for 27 years for?

Would it be so hard
to let him know you understand
how he feels?

Right now it would, yes.

Do you want him back?

I don't know.

But ask me again tomorrow,
and I'll probably
give you a different answer.

Why?

Because tomorrow
I won't have you.

- I'm always with you
in spirit.
- Thanks a lot.

It's kind of difficult
to put your cold feet
on somebody's spirit,

especially when
they're 400 miles away.

Is that a proposal, Doris?

Are you interested?
Are you?

I've always thought
we'd make a nice couple.

You didn't answer the question.

I was the one who proposed.

Well, don't look
so panicky, George.

I was only
three-quarters serious.

Well, when
you're completely serious,
ask me again.

I bet you say that
to all the girls.

No.

Thank you.
You hungry?

Yes.
Well, you're in luck.

Because today,
your lunch is being catered
by the chicest,

most expensive
French delicatessen
in all of San Francisco.

How did we swing that?
The owner's
got a thing for ya.

It's out in the trunk
of my car.
Can I help?

Why, you could
set the table and
turn on some nice music...

and when I come back,
make me laugh, huh?

I'll try.
Don't worry.

If you can't
make me laugh,
just hold my hand.

Hello?

Uh, no, she's not here
right now. Who's this?

Harry? Um--

Uh, would you--
would you just hold on
for a minute, please?

Hello?

Harry, we're two
mature adult human beings,
and I've decided to be honest.

No. Doris is not here
right now, but I'd like
to talk to you.

Because I know that you
and Doris are having a pretty
rough time right now, and--

Uh, we're very close friends.

I've known Doris
for 20 years, and I feel
that through her, I know you.

We've been meeting
this same weekend
for 20 years.

The retreat?
Uh, yeah.

I'll, uh--
I'll get to that
in a minute, but, um,

first I'd like
to tell you something,
Harry.

She loves you.

Well, I just know. Look.
Maybe if I told you a story
she told me this morning,

maybe it would help you
understand.

Uh, a few months ago,
Doris was supposed to act
as den mother...

for your 10-year-old daughter
and her Indian Guide group.

And Doris
was a little late.
She was hung up at the store,

and she got home
about two hours late.

When she walked into the house,
she looked in the living room,
and you know what she saw?

A rather overweight,
balding, middle-aged man
with a feather on his head...

sitting cross-legged
on the floor, very gravely
and gently...

telling a circle
of totally absorbed girls
what it was like...

to be in a World War II
Japanese prison camp.

And she turned around
and went outside
and got in her car...

and thanked God
for being married to a man
like you.

Are you still there, Harry?

Yeah, well, look.
Sometimes married people get
into an emotional straitjacket,

and it's kind of hard
for them to express how they
truly feel about each other.

Total honesty is the key.

Yes, I've known Doris
for 20 years,

and I'm not ashamed to admit
that it's been one
of the most intimate,

satisfying experiences
of my life.

My name?

My name is
Father Michael O'Herlihy.

Right. Oh.

It never changes, does it?
About the only thing
that doesn't.

I find that comforting.

Even old Chalmers
hasn't changed.

He must be 75 by now.

You remember when we first met?
Even then, we called him
old Chalmers.

He must've been
the same age then
that we are now.

That I don't find so comforting.

We were very young.
Yeah.

Have we changed much?
Oh, sure we have.

I grew up with you.
Remember all those dumb lies
I used to tell?

Yeah. How about me?
Have I grown up too?

I had the feeling
you were already grown up
when we met.

Why is it every time
I look at you, I want
to put my hands all over you?

That's another thing
that hasn't changed.
You always were a sex maniac.

I'll start a fire.
Okay.

You know,
I figured out with the cost
of firewood today,

it's cheaper
to buy furniture,
break it up and burn it.

Are things that tight?
No. I'm okay.

I've been doing
some teaching at U.C.L.A.
Ah.

What? Music?
Accounting.

With the way things
are happening out there,

it seems that figures
are still the only things
that don't lie.

Doris, why'd you
sell your business?

How did you know
about that?
I'll tell you later.

What made you do it?
A chain bought me out.

It was just the right offer
at the right time.

But what do you do
with yourself now?
Oh, I read and watch TV...

and visit my grandchildren,
play a little golf.

You know, all the jet set stuff.

I thought you loved working.

Well, there was another factor.

Harry had a heart attack.
It turned out
to be a mild one,

but he needed me
at the time, so--

Besides,
it's not like I'm
in permanent retirement.

There's a local election
in a couple of months, and
I've been approached to run.

On what ticket?
Independent.

Figures.

Harry's okay now?
Oh, yeah.

He runs four miles a day
and has a body
like Mark Spitz.

Unfortunately,
he still has a face
like Ernest Borgnine, but--

How's everything
with you and Harry
emotionally?

Comfortable.
Comfortable?

Well, that's
not such a bad state
to be in.

That word's been given
a bad reputation
by the young.

Where's your luggage?
Still in the car?

I didn't bring any.
I can't stay.

Why not?
Look, I have a lot
to say...

and a very short time
to say it, so I'd
better start.

In the first place,
it turns out that...

Helen found out
about us 10 years ago.

When did you learn that?
Two months ago.

And she never
confronted you with it
before?

No.
What made her tell you now?

She didn't. We have
a very close friend, Connie.

- Did-- Have I
ever mentioned her?
- No.

Well, Connie told me.

All those years,
and she never even hinted
that she knew.

I guess that's
the nicest story
I've ever told about her.

- Your wife
is an amazing woman.
- She passed away, Doris.

I lost her six months ago.

It was very fast.

I'm sorry to blurt it out
like that. I couldn't think
of a graceful way to tell you.

It's so strange.

I never even met Helen,
and I feel like I've
just lost my best friend.

Are the kids okay?
The kids are great.
If it weren't for them,

I don't know if I'd
have gotten through
this whole thing.

I wish you'd tried
to reach me.
Well, I did.

That's how I found out
you'd sold the store.

They gave me
your home number, and I--

I let the phone
ring four times,
and then I hung up.

But I felt better
knowing you were there
if I needed you.

Oh, I wish
you'd spoken to me.
Well, I didn't want to intrude.

I didn't think I had the right.

That's just terrible.
We should've been together.

You know,
I've been thinking
about us a lot lately,

everything we've
been through together,
things we've shared,

times we've helped each other.

Did you know we
made love 113 times?
What?

I figured that out
on my Bomar calculator.

I think it's wonderful
when people know each other
that well.

You know,
there's nothing about you
I don't know.

You take two sugars,
right?
No. One.

Okay. Uh--

Oh, well, okay.
Maybe I don't know
everything about you.

You know,
I don't know who your
favorite movie stars are.

And I couldn't
remember the name
of your favorite perfume.

- I racked my brain,
and I couldn't think of it.
- That's funny.

It's My Sin.

But I do know
that in 26 years, I've never
been out of love with you.

I think that's incredible.

- So what do you say, Doris?
- You wanna get married?

Married? We shouldn't
even be doing this.

I'm serious.

Oh, my God. You are.

Well, what'd
you think I was,
just a summer romance?

A simple yes will do.

There is no such thing, my love.

What is it?

I was just thinking
of how many times I've dreamed
of your asking me this.

You know, that's pulled me
through a lot of bad times.
I wanna thank you for that.

What did you say
those other times?

I always said yes.

Why are you hesitating now?
Do you realize I'm offering
you the opportunity...

to marry a man
who has known you
for 26 years...

and can't walk by you
without wanting to
grab your ass?

You always were a sweet talker.

Doris, will you marry me?

I can't.

Why not?

I'm already married.

You feel you have
to stay with him because
he needs you?

No. No.
It's a lot of things.

Affection.

Respect.

And a sense of continuity.

I mean, we share
all the same memories.

It's comfortable.

Goddamn it. I was
the one who brought you
back together six years ago.

Why did I do
such a stupid thing?
Why was I so generous?

Because you felt the same way
then about Helen as I do now
about Harry, that's why.

And besides, if you hadn't,
you might've been stuck with me
for good,

and that idea
scared you to death.

You always could
see through me,
couldn't you?

But that's okay, 'cause...

I've always loved
what I've seen.

Well, I want you now.

You can still
have me once a year,
same time, same place.

Doris, I need a wife.

I'm just not the kind of man
who can live alone.

What I'm trying to say
is that without you, I'll
probably end up with Connie.

Look, she knows all
about us, and, uh, she's not
the kind of person...

who would go along with it.

I guess what I'm
trying to say is that...

we'll never
see each other again.

Doris, for God's sake, marry me.

I can't.

I wish there were something
I could say that would
make you...

burst into tears
and run away with me.

Well, you know us Irish.
We never cry.

Yeah, well--

I have to catch a plane.

Who were
your favorite movie stars?

Laurence Olivier.

Marlon Brando.

Cary Grant.

Lon McCallister.

Okay. I'm back,
goddamn it.

- What about Connie?
- Connie is 87 years old.

What?
Look. I wanted you
to marry me,

and I figured if you thought
somebody else wanted me,
I'd stand a better chance.

Okay. Maybe I didn't
think things through.

I was desperate, okay?

Look. I don't even wanna
discuss it. I'm back, and I'm
gonna keep coming back...

every year until our bones
are too brittle
to risk contact.

* Hello

* It all started with hello

* On an evening long ago

* When an unexpected smile

* Caught my eye

* Hello

* If I'd smiled
and looked away *

* We would not be here today *

* To never say good-bye

* For the last time
I felt like this *

* I was falling in love
* I was falling

* Falling and feeling
I'd never fall in love again *

* Yes, the last time
I felt like this *

* Was long before I knew

* What I'm feeling now

* With you

* Yes, the last time
I felt like this *

* I was falling in love
* I was falling

* Falling and feeling

* I'd never fall in love again *

* Yes, the last time
I felt like this *

* Was long before I knew

* What I'm feeling now

* With you *