Original subtitles

This programme contains some strong language

Is that an extra large bottle of Listerine for Mrs Lamb?

No, Liz. That would be rude.

No, I saw her in Costcutter last week buying Malibu

and some potatoes.

Clearly, potatoes aren't an appropriate gifting item, so...

I haven't got Lamb anything. Not even a potato.

Can we just say that's from all of us?

Oh, no, no, sorry. I've sealed it already.

Oh, God, you're so good at Christmas, Kevin!

It is one of my top skills, along with changing duvets

and cooking rice.

Right, so what should I get Mother, then, Mr Father Christmas?

Because last year she said not to get her anything, so I didn't

get her anything, and then she did Sad Face all day,

which is very mixed messaging.

Oh, oh, what about getting an experience like, erm,

a hot-air balloon ride or zorbing?

What's zorbing?

It's when you roll down a hill in a giant see-through ball.

She's an old lady, Kevin, not a gerbil.

Right, well, what about dry slope skiing, then, or canal barging?

Yes! That's it!

She's always banging on about us going to Venice.

I'll take her there for the weekend. Well done, Kevin.

In the words of Maui, "You're welcome."

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

Please ensure you take all of your children's work

home with you.

That's from both of us.

Oh, I love it!

Oh.

Hello.

Hiya.

Ho, ho, ho, hoes.

And Kevin.

Oh, nothing says Christmas like noshing on a hot sausage.

Am I right, Julia?

Oh, no, no. My hot sausage noshing days are over, unfortunately, Meg.

Christmas come early for you, then?

It's just a small one this year.

The big girls are away.

One's in Bali. The other one's in Mali.

Hey, look what I got Bill for Christmas.

Oh, that's hot!

I know.

You know, when I think of Bill, I often picture him in leather.

I will pass that on.

I'm offski.

BIKE BELL RINGS

SHE GROANS

Damn! Sweet wheels.

Should've grabbed a selfie on that.

You want a stupid big bike for Christmas, Kev?

In my dreams, Liz.

No, no, I've got everything I want.

Christmas breakfast with my girls.

I've got to make sure I get going by the time Jill wakes up,

and then it's back to the hotel for turkey crisps

from the vending machine.

You still at the abyss?

It's the Ibis.

That's very funny, Liz.

I have to remember to tell the other divorced dads.

They'll hoot at that.

Maybe not Oliver. He's in a very dark place.

Jesus Christ!

No, it's all right. He's on the ground floor.

And we took away his belt.

Right, that's it, Kevin. You're coming to me, love.

No, no. I don't want to encroach.

God, I'm encroached up to my arsehole!

I've got Mother and that pair of bellends that birthed my husband.

No, the more the merrier.

Elizabeth and Geoff? Oh, I love them! And Marion!

Thank you. Thank you, Julia.

You sure? Are you sure?

I could bring some...

I could... I could cook.

Yes, bloody please!

What about you, Elizabeth? Got any plans?

Oh, well, Lee won the meat raffle at the pub

so he's hosting for once.

I'm only here for the free sausages.

Oh, hot, hot, hot, hot...

Eh, all right, hot cock.

Here comes your girlfriend. Sh, sh!

All right, Amanda?

Oh, hey. You want to come to Julia's for Christmas?

It's an open house.

Oh, thanks, Julia.

But we are having a blended family this year.

Sounds like a horrific smoothie.

So Mummy and I are going over to see Johnny and the kids.

And Tamara?

Yes, Kevin.

Why is everyone so obsessed with Johnny's bloody wife?

And just...thank you.

ANNE: It's Christmas!

Only two more sleeps. I'm so excited for hosting all the cousins.

Only 26 this year.

No, Mam, it's 29. Oh?

Yeah. Terrence, Orla, Daniel and all their kids,

they were meant to go to the Maldives with Sheila and Pat's lot

but then Magda went and got Lyme disease.

Well, that's still only 15.

Plus Angela's Peter, Fionnuala, Eve, Babette and Pat. Yeah.

And all their halves. Yeah.

BOTH: That's Sarah, Connell, Jamal, John, Michael and Pat. Yeah.

And Dervla's Lula's bringing her new fella.

So with her five boys that's... BOTH: Cian, Cuinn, Ken, Cory...

..and Pat! Yeah!

That's never 29!

No, that's 32.

SHE GASPS

Oh, we're going to need

another side of beef.

Ah, there's a queue, Phillip Schofield.

Yeah, OK. Sorry, sorry. OK...

TV: It's Christmas Day here on BBC One, and we're broadcasting

live from Durham Cathedral.

How can it cost £1,000?

SHE SIGHS

Why is everyone going to Venice all of a sudden?

It's not all that! MAN: Bloody hell!

Are you going to spend any of Christmas Day with your family?

I am building your present, Julia.

No, you're building your present, Paul.

This cryo pool is for the whole family.

Ice water swimming can add 12 years to your life.

And it can freeze off cellulite!

What the actual what? How has it gone up again?

DOORBELL

I only left it for a second!

I think someone's at the door, Julia!

By all means answer it, Elizabeth.

DOORBELL RINGS AGAIN

No? OK, fine.

Could you turn the heating up a tad, Julia?

They must be saving on gas.

Shame I can't harness your bum gas, Geoff. I'd save a bloody fortune!

# I, one King of Orient are... #

Oh, I don't think you're allowed to say "Orient" any more, Kevin.

Well, am I allowed to say "Persian feast"?

Sure ting, as long as I'm not cooking it.

I know they don't celebrate Christmas in the Middle East,

but, my goodness me, do they enjoy an event meal!

Oh, right, right, I'm going to need some muslin to drain my curd.

Oh... Marion, how lovely to see you!

Happy Christmas, Kev. Mwah.

I left a little something for you by the fireside.

Marion! You should be on top of the tree,

you're such a bloody angel.

Kevin, please stop trying to get off with my mum!

There you go.

Oh, look at that.

Check it out.

Oh, thank you, my baby.

Ooh!

When I have opened this, meet me upstairs because

that jacket is...

Aha... A hat!

With a feather! We watched The Crown, remember?

Uh-huh. And Princess Margaret was riding the horse,

and then she got off with that photographer. Mm-hm.

And you loved her hat.

Hmm.

It's handmade. Not off the peg, Meg.

Oh? Do you love it?

Well, you're a bastard. You've done it again.

See you upstairs.

SHE EXHALES SLOWLY

Hummus? On Christmas Day?

I've got two children, Kevin!

They eat hummus every day of the year.

No, this is just the meze, the nibbles,

for the speech.

Oh, we don't do a speech. No, not you.

The Quee... King's... The King's speech.

No, yeah, we don't do that.

OK, well, what time's the walk?

What, from the sofa to the toilet?

Any time you like.

Stop it!

Next you're going to tell me you don't put the Advent crown to bed.

Feet under the Christmas tree?

Shout up the chimney?

Kevin!

Where are you from, the 1840s?

Ah... We're not Victorian orphans!

Any chance of a top-up, Julia?

What time do think lunch will be ready?

Oh, I don't know. Three, four, five, nine - who can say, Geoff?

In the meantime, there's plenty in there to stuff in your gullet.

Is this what we're eating?

No. No, no. This is for display purposes only.

This is all going to be scraped into the bin... Ah!

..serve the real food later. Yeah! Yes.

Oh, Geoff, mind your pacemaker near the hob.

Oh. Ha-ha...

OK.

Ready, get set...

..bake!

Oh...

Cheers!

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh! Mummy, you're here.

Mm.

Oh, you look very Christmassy.

You too, darling.

Like a gorgeous...sugar plum pudding.

OK.

Hey, you guys...

Mummy! Have you been having a lovely Christmas morning with

Daddy and Auntie Tamara?

BOTH: Yes.

Aw!

Ah.

What are they wearing?

Why are they dressed like minor royals?

Dress for the job you want, I say.

A little something from Gan-Gan.

Gan-Gan?

Are you rebranding yourself?

Are you all right, darling?

I know this must be difficult for you.

What? No, it's fine.

Fine.

There she is!

Hi.

Oh, God!

The curse of the Selfridges sale?

It's not a problem, Tamara.

It's just funny, isn't it?

So funny.

It's OK. I... I can change.

I'll just grab something out of the laundry.

Oh, happy Christmas, by the way, Amanda.

Happy Christmas!

Thank you so much for tracking down to the deepest, darkest Isleworth.

No probs.

Sorry!

It's a bit crumpled.

OK, back in the game.

You literally just pulled that out of a laundry basket, and...

Stunning!

Oh, no...

Right, drinks.

Hey. Hey!

Happy Christmas, Amanda.

Oh, we're doing that. OK.

Bellini?

Ah, a little early for me. Thanks, Tamara. I'll wait.

Erm, love this whole open plan kitcheny thing.

It's so great. Have you seen the size of this island?

Yeah, it's a bit ridiculous.

Ja Rule could hold the Fyre Festival on it.

EXAGGERATED LAUGH

That's funny.

You get it, Mummy?

Yes, of course I do.

Ah, you smell great.

AMANDA AND TAMARA: Oh, thank you.

You look quite puffy, darling.

Were you crying?

No! I...

I actually think I'm going to have this Bellini

right now, actually. Mm.

Merry Christmas.

JULIA: Right, so there's a flight to Venice, Treviso

stopping off at Frankfurt at 6:20, which is now...

£697?!

Can I do anything, Kevin?

No. Shoo, shoo. Why don't you go and peel a satsuma

or pull a cracker or something, Mother?

Oh, smells delicious!

The things you can do with a cauliflower, Marion. Ooh!

Oh, oh, could I get a selfie, for the girls?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why don't you two get a room?

MARION LAUGHS

Oh, stop it, Julia!

I hope you're not booking that for me.

Mother! Well, I'm just not keen on flying these days,

you know, since my knee replacement.

Yeah, well, I wasn't booking anything, so it's fine.

Well, I'm not interested in travelling any more.

Right, well, sorry for trying to do something nice.

You can still do something nice.

I just don't want you wasting your money.

No, it's all right. Message received.

I tell you what, why don't you just, erm, toddle off with a sherry

and go and eat some Bombay mix or something?

You ungrateful old cabbage.

Can anyone read Chinese?

Oh, your parents are trying out Ivy's magical goggles.

What, she's opened her VR set?

You never told me we were opening presents.

No, yes, I did. I told you. I told you when I came out

to tell you that we were opening presents, Paul.

What's that weird smell?

Oh. Hey, Kev.

Ooh, hummus.

Can't remember the last time I had hummus.

How's the... How's the hot tub going?

It's a cryo pool.

It's great for icing your thighs after a beasting at the velodrome.

Phooey. Sounds ace.

Erm, Julia, Julia, erm...

Where's your fish kettle?

Erm, with my lobster teapot.

I don't have a flipping fish kettle, Kevin.

That's next year's Christmas present sorted.

Mm! Oh, ha-ha-ha...

Geoff, help me!

Elizabeth is cage-diving with sharks!

Help me!

Marion, you really must try these electric goggles.

You know, you can go right up Kilimanjaro with them?

Ooh! Wish me luck!

GEOFF LAUGHS

Prize for the best Christmas present ever goes to me.

The cage won't hold!

Right, let's go to Dad's!

So, who's choosing the first song?

BOTH: Me!

Can we have Insane in the Membrane?

Yep. Christmas classic.

PHONE ALERT

Oh, you prick.

ANSWERPHONE: Please leave your message after the tone.

Just checking this isn't a joke.

It isn't, is it?

SHE SHOUTS: You piece of total...

Aargh!

HORN SOUNDS REPEATEDLY

Right, who wants a Christmas Calippo?

BOTH: Me!

Poor Daddy, stuck in a train station.

I hope he doesn't fall on a live rail and fry his knackers off.

Tin baked beans and sausage or steak and kidney Fray Bentos?

CAR UNLOCKS, CHILDREN LAUGHING

WOMAN: Where's the other bag?

LAUGHTER

Oh!

MARION LAUGHS

Oh, oh, oh...

DOORBELL RINGS

Doorbell, Julia!

There's somebody at the door, Julia!

Oh...

DOORBELL RINGING

Doorbell's ringing!

JULIA: Don't worry, I'll get it!

Hey, maybe it's British Gas about your bum, Geoff.

Lizzie?

Effing Lee. Oh, dear. Should I ask?

No. Oh, is everything... No. ..OK?

Kevin's in the kitchen straining cheese.

Oh. Happy Christmas!

No!

Oh, dear. What's up?

Bill got me a hat for Christmas,

a 400 quid, handmade Robin Hood hat.

Bottoms up.

Crikey. I would've loved a £400 hat rather than the pedal bin

that Paul got me. Or nothing.

Which is what I got Mother, again.

I don't think he knows me any more!

Of course he knows you.

He loves you even though he knows you.

You two make us all want to puke.

Give us a look, then.

LAUGHTER

Oh, look at you!

Oh, it's so funny.

I literally cannot believe we were in Val d'Isere the same season.

Please don't tell me - you got off with that guy

who had the ice sculpture...

BOTH: ..in the shape of a penis!

THEY LAUGH

Sorry, Johnny! No, I didn't,

but Jean-Luc was totally into me.

Nightmare! You know, he wasn't even French. No?

He was from Bolton.

Oh, stop it. Tamara, that's hilarious!

Are you serious?!

Well, someone's full of festive cheer.

Grandma? Grandma, come and play!

Hang on a second, babies. Come on!

Gosh, though, Val d'Isere! Yeah.

So glad I only went there once.

What a frozen meat market that was. Yeah.

You went every bloody year of your 20s, didn't you, darling?

Yeah.

Yeah, so sometimes I...

I do wish I could've gone back. Yeah.

You know, for the fondues alone.

Very hard to get this one to expand her horizons.

Well, to be fair, Mummy, you're the one who wouldn't let me do

my gap year in South America because you said I'd get raped.

Well, you would've got raped, and I stand by that.

Do we have any rosemary?

Johnny, look at you!

Tamed at last.

Here you go, babe.

You'll find someone soon.

Maybe you will too, Mummy.

I hope it's done.

I don't want to poison you all.

Where's your meat thermometer?

Here.

Right. My work here is done.

I'd Instagram that.

If I was a dick.

Actually, should we feed the kids in the living room?

Because this does look very nice.

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

Za'atar.

Now Christmas dinner is ready.

Aw!

Come here.

Can I just say this is the best Chrissy ever?

Got my bessie mates,

the family...off in the house and garden somewhere.

Mm? This is what it's all about, isn't it?

Oh, hang on, hang on.

Just for my girls.

They're desperate to see how my math tool turned out.

CAMERA CLICKS

OK.

Right, dinner! Kids, come on, hurry up,

otherwise all your presents are going to the charity shop.

I'll summon the elders.

Paul, dinner!

Could you pass me my towel?

Right...

TV: # Deck the halls with boughs of holly... #

Oh.

# 'Tis the season to be jolly

# Fa la la la la... #

HE SWITCHES TV OFF

Marion?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, oh, my God...

TOILET FLUSHING

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God. Oh, my God, oh, my God...

DOOR CLOSES

I should've gotten bog rolls for Christmas instead

of those chocolates. Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God...

What? Shit. What?

OK, OK, OK...

Breathe into this.

That didn't help at all.

There's a hole in that, Liz.

My God...

It's Marion.

She's passed!

She's no more.

What?

Shit.

What do we do? What do we do? What do we do?

What would Jill do? She's great with death.

Shall I call Jill? No, no, I won't call Jill.

What do we do? What do we do? What do we...

Call an ambulance.

I'll tell Julia.

Yeah, all right. OK.

What about them?

Alive!

No, I mean, what do we do with them?

Oh, right. Just leave them there for now,

just let them sleep. Right.

What about the kids?

They can't see Marion like this, on Christmas Day!

No, yeah, good point.

Right, run across the road.

Tell Meg we're bringing Christmas to hers.

Right. OK.

OK, OK, OK.

DOOR CLOSES

DOOR OPENS

DOOR CLOSES

They said the ambulance was going to be a while, so...

This is huge.

This is... Shit. I'm so drunk.

I don't know what to say. I need to focus.

Kevin, have you got any cocaine?

Yeah, maybe don't say that.

We need to get the kids over to yours.

We don't want to panic them.

Yeah!

Fine. I got this.

Hey, everybody!

Come on, we're going to... Oh! Meg!

I'm fine.

MEG GROANS

I'll do it.

Fire!

There's a fire.

CHILDREN SHOUT

Christmas pud?

Oh... Amanda doesn't do pudding. ..I don't do pudding, no.

No, of course. Nor do we.

Oh, come on!

If anyone's allowed to do pud, it's you.

Eating for two.

FELICITY GASPS

Oh, no.

We weren't going to say anything.

What... Are you... Going to have a baby!

Isn't it the best?

Barely. It's very early days.

How does she know about this before me, Johnny?

She noticed Tam wasn't drinking.

Sorry.

Oh, OK.

That's a bit of a shock.

I just didn't think we were...

I thought you were done...with that.

It's different for men, darling. Yeah.

Your father was getting women pregnant well into his '70s.

He'd give old BoJo a run for his money.

We haven't even had a scan.

It may not even stick.

GLASS CLANGS AGAINST TEETH

Ow!

STIFLING LAUGHTER

SNORTS WITH LAUGHTER

Such a drama llama.

Any more fizz?

SNIFFLES

Right.

Who wants some salty snacks

and an overdose of sugar? ALL: Me!

iPlayer, Netflix, Amazon, Apple, Disney.

Oh, Boogie Nights is on.

Here, knock yourselves out.

Ohh, how did I get so drunk?

I only had a bottle of Baileys.

Here.

Espresso martini.

Don't want to go cold turkey on the cream and booze.

One of these,

a roast dinner and a raw Berocca,

you'll be fit to operate heavy machinery.

Do you like my hat?

No.

Where's the ambulance?

Did someone call the ambulance? Yes, I did.

Why is it taking so long?

It's the busiest day of the year.

You've got your suicides, your hypothermia, your overeating.

And then you've got your knife wounds,

your alcohol poisoning, your burns.

Not to mention your pre-existing medical conditions.

All right, Kev. Sorry. Think I should check on my parents?

Oh, I'll do that. I'll do it.

I've left the boureki in the oven anyway.

Don't want to be calling the ambulance and the fire brigade.

Sorry.

Hey.

She was surrounded by people who loved her.

And she'd just climbed Mount Kilimanjaro, albeit virtually.

How many people can say that?

MESSAGE ALERT

Oh, Lee...

PANTING

Kev. AAAAH!

Sorry. Liz! Sorry.

Oh, God. Look, I know this isn't the right time.

It's just that Lee's just texted, asking me to pick him up.

I mean, like I'm going to drive to sodding Cardiff!

Oh, my God.

What an absolute pr... I know.

Sorry, I can't concentrate till I've picked the boureki up.

Look, look!

One landed in Marion's shoe.

God. Her little buniony foot was in that a couple of hours ago.

FLOORBOARDS CREAK, THEY SCREAM

Aah! Aah!

Elizabeth!

Woof! Babe, you hit that hard.

SIGHING

We're all going to die.

Nah!

Not me!

It's not just that, though.

There's something else.

What?

I hate this hat.

And it makes me feel like you hate me.

Well, go on, you 'nana, take it off.

Life is too short to wear a hat you hate.

Thank you.

To be honest, I hate this jacket.

What?!

Well, it makes me look ten years older, which is no mean feat.

Well...

I need another drink!

Is that the ambulance?

Oh, superb Christmas lights.

Er, Marion's still asleep, Julia.

Yes, thank you, Elizabeth.

There's no waking that one!

That's because she's not asleep, Mum.

Yes, she is. She's out for the count.

No, Mum, she's not. She's...

What did he say?

Boureki?

They've been on the floor.

Boureki? They've been on the floor.

Boureki? They've been on the floor.

Boureki? That one's been in a shoe.

Actually, I'm not going to leave her on her own, actually.

Pop the kettle on, would you, Julia?

TYRES SCREECH, HORN BEEPS Ohh! Jesus Christ!

I could've killed you... BOTH: You stupid cow!

What are you even doing here, anyway?

I was just having a drive, Julia, I think I'm allowed to do that.

What are you even doing

scuttling around like a big squirrel in the middle of the road

on Christmas Day?

I'm going to see my mother, if you must know, because she's dead...

God! Oh!

Oh, no, Julia!

STIFLED SOBBING

Oh, no, oh, Julia!

Don't touch me, thanks.

I didn't even get her a present.

And I wanted to, I just...

She knew.

No.

She was so proud...

Oh, sh, sh, sh.

CAR HORN BEEPING URGENTLY

I have to move my car.

So sorry.

CAR HORN BEEPING

I always thought you were very lucky to have her, Julia.

Not all mums are Marions.

Well, last thing I said to her was, "You ungrateful old cabbage," so...

CAR HORN BEEPING URGENTLY

Yes!

Of course, my father fought in the Mau Mau uprising

in northern Kenya in the '50s.

Do you know any Mau Mau?

I grew up in Brockley, Geoff.

Oh.

Emily and Rosie have sent me a cracker joke.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? What?

Frostbite.

CHUCKLING

That's so good.

It must be a Waitrose cracker.

Should I have gone?

To pick that prick up?

There's no trains tomorrow either.

No, Liz. F him!

You're needed here.

Julia needs you.

I need you.

I know Marion's dead, but the kids are having a whale of a time.

Yeah, but he's their dad, you know?

He's their dad,

but we're your family.

IMITATES VOMITING

All right, I'll stay.

But never say that to me ever again.

DISTANT SIREN

They're have.

Is that for Geoff?

Geoff, did you hail an ambulance?

Yeah, OK, so...

SHE SNIFFLES

The wheel of Stilton in the fridge...

Is that for general consumption or...?

Yeah, you go for it, love. Yeah.

OK.

Oh, Mum.

Let's get these guys in the car.

OK, in you get.

Pop your belts on, OK? I'll just be one minute.

Mum, I need to tell you something.

Because life's too short and I'll regret it if I don't.

Don't frown, darling, you'll spoil your Botox.

I don't like you and you obviously don't like me.

So I think it's healthier and kinder

if we don't go anywhere fucking near each other for a while.

FYI, there's a gift receipt in your present for when you open it

and inevitably hate it.

You ungrateful old cabbage.

CHOIR SINGING 'DING DONG MERRILY ON HIGH'

Do I look sexy in your jacket?

Do I look sexy in your hat?

Oh, my little bag. I love you.

Mm.

But you said it was for me, Elizabeth!

It's not for me!

Aah! Jesus Christ.

Sorry.

We just didn't want to interrupt your moment.

All we wanted to say was we're here for you.

And now, also, sorry for frightening you.

SHE LAUGHS

Right, shall we go over the road?

Cos actually, it really still stinks of Geoff's guffs in here.

Yeah. Yeah.