Original subtitles

Okay. Are you ready?

Okay.

Well, whatever your mom said worked.

- My mom said I can sleep over. - I like boys. But I like you too.

Can we skip school on Friday and get tickets?

It's way above my pay grade. You'll have to ask your mom.

- If Mom says yes, can you loan us money? - You're trying to get me killed?

So, Tegan and I have been writing some songs, and we wanna play them for you.

Hey, where are you going?

You've been using me as, like, a filler friend while Sara was ignoring you.

You're not a filler friend. You're really important to me.

Yeah, as long as Sara's not around.

You should go back to your adoring fans.

Hang on!

Come in.

Oh, I thought you were Mom.

Did you go somewhere?

Yeah.

Where?

Uh, to give Maya our tape.

Did she like it?

She wasn't there.

Did you want something?

Yeah. Uh, there's this girl, Cass, that Phoebe really wants you to meet.

She thinks you guys would be, like, best friends,

and they wanna hang out tomorrow after school.

- Is this because you feel bad for me? - No! She just sounds really cool.

You don't have to if you don't want to.

Okay. Yeah.

- Sure, I'll meet her. - Cool.

I'll call Phoebe.

- Hi! - Hi!

Tegan, this is Cass. Cass, this is Tegan.

- Hey. - Okay. Enough with the pleasantries.

Um, pop quiz.

Bleach or Nevermind?

Nevermind.

Nevermind or In Utero?

- Nevermind. - Okay. Nevermind or...

The answer's always Nevermind.

Congrats. You passed.

This round.

- Well, I'm starving, let's order. - Yeah.

- Yeah. - Okay.

No, no way.

No one under the age of 70 goes to Tim Horton's.

Robin's donuts are the best.

Incorrect. But I would be willing to undergo a taste test

if it'd make it all easier for you to admit that you're wrong,

and then, the loser, you, have to make the winner, me, a mixed tape.

Okay. Deal.

Cool.

Hey, you guys want to go to Lily's house?

Her parents are away.

Sure.

I don't know Lily, but I like the sound of parents being away.

What do you think?

Yeah. Let's do it.

So, where are your parents?

Ottawa.

My cousin had a baby, so they went to help out.

Which makes no sense because they always tell me how annoying infants are.

Maybe it was just you.

Ha-ha.

What is that?

My brother.

He's like a guitar genius or some shit.

Can we go listen?

That was awesome!

How long have you played for?

Only a couple years.

You know, Tegan and Sara make music.

No, not like that.

We just started.

Let me hear.

No. I don't... I don't know.

- Please? - Do it.

Okay.

That was so good.

I think I have a new favorite band.

Me too.

You guys are good. Like, really good.

Thanks.

They should play at the party.

What party?

Uh, it's this, uh, huge thing we do the Saturday after the last day of school.

We have live bands, a lot of local music people come.

You guys can play before my band if you want.

Uh, yeah.

Yeah, we'd love to.

Cool.

- Oh, I suck. - No, you don't. That sounded great.

I just wanna do a really good job because who knows if we're good enough,

maybe we could play at a real show at, like, Republik or something.

I wish. Man, it's too bad we can't play one of these guitars.

Maybe we can.

How? Steal it?

No. But I'm sure we could figure something out.

This party is a big deal, and it'll be like our first show.

- And since we only have one guitar... - You have zero guitars.

Patrick has one guitar.

Right. But we just thought it would be cool if...

You want us to buy you a guitar.

No, no! We wanna work for it. And any job you have for us, we'll do it.

Will you help us?

Yeah. Of course.

There's plenty to do at the new house. I could use your help there.

- You mean it? - Yeah. I mean, right?

I mean, what do you think?

Yeah. I think it sounds like a plan.

- Really? - Yup. But, um,

we can't afford to pay both of you. So, one of you will go work for your dad.

- Oh, working for dad is so hard. - I know. It's called work for a reason.

And don't expect to get some inflated rate.

You'll make minimum wage.

- Thank you so much. - We're gonna work really hard.

Of course, you will, you're my kids.

And you won't get paid if you don't.

- All right. - Bye.

All right. Rock, paper, scissors.

Loser has to go work with dad today?

Sure.

- Best two out of three? - Uh-uh. Have fun at Dad's.

So, you're gonna take all this stuff here and you're gonna throw it away. Okay?

With what?

Your arms.

- Oh, don't you have a machine for that? - Yeah. But today I have you.

Hey.

What's this?

Lunch.

Hey!

Hey!

Hi.

- What are you doing here? - Your mom told me where you were.

I thought we could settle our bet.

Once we take this first bite, there's no going back.

Are you sure you're ready?

- Yeah, I'm ready. - Okay.

Okay.

Mmm-hmm.

All right.

You win easily, so expect a mixed tape

filled with California punk bands and the dulcet tones of Ben Lee very soon.

Yes! So, I'd like to thank my parents for always believing in me,

but mostly God for inventing donuts.

I know it doesn't look like it, but the hard part is done, you know.

We'll fly through the rest.

Oh, and the, uh, obscenely expensive flooring you wanted is almost here,

that'll go in after the drywall.

So, um,

how close are we to moving in?

Uh, we're looking at by the end of the summer now.

But I found those guys who can work Saturdays,

so that'll speed things along and we could be in here a little sooner.

Look, I know you're antsy, but we're gonna be in here before you know it.

- Yeah. - All right?

- Totally. - Can I do anything

- to make you feel better in the meantime? - No! No, you can't do anything.

You've done so much already.

Truly, this is great.

It's looking great.

All right.

I just put some lemons and some potato skins in there.

You can't put stuff like that in there, Mom.

- It's just little things, okay? - I told her that.

- See you, Buck. - Mmm-hmm.

Thank you so much for coming to help with the garbage disposal, honey.

Yeah, hopefully you don't break this one.

Next time you come, you should bring Simone and the girls.

- How are they? - They're great.

The girls are, uh... they're playing music now, and they're really good.

Wow! You must be so proud.

Why? They're not his kids.

- Buck. - What? They're not.

Well, I'd love to see them.

Okay. I love you.

Love you too, honey.

We wanna work for it.

Any job you have for us, we'll do it.

Will you help us?

Of course.

I mean, yeah, right?

There's plenty of work that needs to be done at the new house.

- I could use your help there. - You mean it?

Yeah. All right. Mary, what do you think?

- I think it sounds like a plan. - Really?

Yeah. Uh, but, um, we can't afford to pay both of you,

- so one of you will go work for your dad. - But working for dad is so hard.

Yeah, I know, that's... It's called work for a reason,

and don't expect to get some inflated rate.

- You'll get minimum wage. - Thank you so much.

- We're gonna work really hard. - Yes, of course you are.

You're my kids, you won't get paid if you don't.

Who's that?

Oh, I invited Phoebe and Cass over earlier, if that's okay?

I guess it has to be because they're already here,

but Patrick and I are having friends over soon,

- so your personal taxi is off duty, okay? - Okay. Thank you.

- Thanks. - You bet.

Hello!

Hi!

- Hi, Simone! Hi, Patrick! - Hi, Phoebe.

Hey.

And this is my new friend, Cass, that I told you about.

Ah. Yes, the avid reader with a great taste in music.

Couldn't have described myself better. Yeah.

Okay. Well, you're not here to hang out with my parents,

- so let's go to the basement. - Have fun, you guys

- Nice to meet you all. - Mmm-hmm. You, too.

You really jumped in there.

What, the guitar?

Yeah. Hmm.

I do need help at the house, by the way.

And they've never actually volunteer for anything resembling work,

so I figured you'd be on board.

Yeah, I was, but... I should be the one saying yes.

Okay. Why? I mean, they're my kids too, right?

Yes, I just...

I don't like feeling, like, we're playing house

where you were the laid back father figure and I'm the strict mom.

I'm not trying to do that at all. I don't think that's what's happening here.

Well, sometimes, it feels like that, and I don't want that.

It's bad enough that we're stuck here in the suburbs.

We shouldn't start acting like everyone who actually belongs here.

I don't want that either.

I'm not trying to do that, I'm just... I don't know.

Just wanted to be here for the girls.

And the truth is, I... you're not always available even when you are here.

And I appreciate that.

I really do.

I should, um... I'm gonna go get changed.

So we show up at the house and it's, like,

something out of a Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous, I mean...

I mean, nothing interesting is ever gonna happen there.

- Super boring. - Yeah, exactly.

Super nice but very boring. Yeah.

So, we knock, and the wife answers the door,

and behind her is her husband, and he is wearing a pajama top...

- Yes. - And nothing else...

and he is fully at attention.

What?

Apparently he was having this bizarre reaction to these new meds

that affected his penis, obviously.

But the wife is acting like nothing is weird,

and his Johnson is just poking out...

Thank you for helping us with the guitar stuff.

Of course.

It's important to you, and you're important to me.

Oh, thank God.

I can't keep listening to this...

Yeah. I'm sorry. I'll handle it.

- What the hell? - That's enough of that.

I forgot my headphones and I want to listen to music.

- No, we're not listening to that. - Why not?

Because I don't want to listen to screaming all day.

It's bad enough your mom even lets you guys listen to that band.

- Oh, do you hate Nirvana now? - Please, be quiet. Let's just be quiet.

- Do you? - Yes, okay? Fine, I don't like Nirvana.

- The guy was weird. - How was Kurt Cobain weird?

- He wore make up and dresses and shit. - Because he was alternative.

He was a fag.

I can't believe you're homophobic.

Keep your voice down!

- I'm not homophobic. - Yeah, you are.

- You can't say fag. - Well, I... he wasn't much of a man.

So, because he was different, it's okay to call him that?

Jesus Christ, it's just a word.

No, it's not. Not when you're using it in a bad way.

You know people think Tegan and I are weird?

How would you feel if people called us dykes?

- That's different. - No, it's not.

Besides, what if Kurt was... what you said he was?

Then that would be okay.

You can't say "fag".

You know, "Smells Like Teen Spirit" isn't a bad song.

Hey.

Hey.

What's wrong?

What if we totally embarrass ourselves

in front of everybody at the party?

You're not doing this alone.

Sara and I are playing at Will's party.

It would mean a lot to me if you were there.

Trying to turn us into people that we're not.

It's not going to make anything better.

I'm really sorry.

I need a minute.

Sara, wait.