Original subtitles

Hey, everyone! This Friday, women's wrestling!

Free! Free!

Free sports!

- Guys, great news. - What?

This is Rob, and he's coming. And he's bringing his entire coven.

Butts in seats, right? Come on, Rob!

- Hey, Rob. - Come on!

Hot damn, I made the list!

Everyone made the list, Tammé. It's a lineup.

Our names are together, fighting the Beatdown Biddies.

I guess that means we're a team now.

I wonder why.

Oh, mine has got a star next to it. 'Cause I'm bright, like a star.

That means you're supposed to win the match.

Oh, so, I'm a star and a winner.

Oh, yep.

Well, guess it's official.

Yeah.

They spelled your name wrong.

So, first live match coming up.

We got what's his name coming, right? Glen Clitface?

It's Klitnick. It's Glen Klitnick.

Don't say it that way. Then it gets in your head.

Yeah, he's confirmed.

Suit's in. So, I guess that makes this our first official production meeting.

Yes! Sam?

Yeah.

- I'm here for you, okay? - Okay.

- Let's do it. - Okay.

- Okay? - Fine. Personnel.

Yes.

We're gonna need... You don't smoke.

- It's okay. - All right.

We're gonna need a cameraman, gonna need sound, lighting.

Need a ref, gonna need an announcer.

You're gonna need all these things by Friday?

In a few weeks, we shoot the pilot.

Be nice to get them in early while we have time to, you know,

work out the kinks.

Here. Here's a pen.

Oh, okay. All right.

So, the girls can do their own hair and makeup for now.

Sure.

Probably gonna have to make a budget for costumes.

I'm sure you got ideas about that.

- I do. - Okay.

And also that video camera you got me got stolen,

so I'm gonna need another one.

Wait, wait, wait. What, you just lost it?

No, I didn't... I didn't just lose it. It was here, and then it was not here.

Did you try to look for it?

Are you my mother? Yeah, I tried to look for it.

If we need a new camera, it's coming out of your salary.

My salary? You're supposed to be the rich guy.

It's not Monopoly money.

This is about accountability, Sam. And trust and thrift.

Oh, my God. You sound like a Protestant.

Is that a bad thing?

Hey! Hey!

If any of you have any information about the whereabouts of my video camera,

or if any of you happened to steal it, bring it the fuck back now.

Now!

No questions asked, except you'll be immediately fired.

There's too fucking many of you anyways.

All right, so you start with the lockup.

- Then we go into the arm twist. - Ah!

Then we go into the headlock.

And then... hammer lock.

- You guys think you can handle that? - Sure, seems manageable. Right, Debbie?

Or maybe we could open with a bit more panache.

I picked this sequence because it's something you actually can do.

Yeah, it's all real simple.

And all really boring.

It's just essentially the same three moves

you taught to Melrose and Sheila, only in a different order.

The audience won't know.

Well, let's just try it, right? We can always add on.

Fine, let's try it.

"Tete de veau" is this part of a calf. Fran.

- What is its head? - Yes.

"French Cuisine" for 600.

If your canard, or duck, is sauvage, it's this.

It's missing something. Maybe I could find an ushanka?

You know, one of those big fur hats?

If you need fur, I know a guy.

We could also hunt it.

There's a feral cat colony in that empty lot down the street.

Who is Jules Feiffer?

- Elizabeth. - Who is Jules Feiffer?

- That is the Jules. - Yes.

- You pick now. - Let's go "Broadway" for 400.

- Answer there is: in the '84-'85 season, - Hey.

only three new shows...

Hey.

I was gonna wear red.

I can wear something else.

What is The King and I?

What is TheKing and I?

Could you, um, give us one minute?

No.

...a musical with songs by Roger Miller...

Okay.

...is based on this classic American novel.

So, I don't wanna look like an asshole on Friday.

Oh, don't be so hard on yourself. Your wrestling has really improved.

Oh, no, we're both gonna look like assholes.

I mean, Cherry's moves are amateur hour.

There's no impact, and it's not exciting.

At the men's match, Steel Horse rode in on a motorcycle

and did, like, I don't... backflips and shit.

You went to a wrestling match?

Yeah, you're not the only one who does research.

Who are Hume Cronyn and Jessica Tandy?

Well...

I'll put in extra time, happily.

Whatever you want. We can work around your schedule.

Randy, whatever else you have going on with... life.

I'm not interested in getting coffee with you,

or talking to you about my life, but, uh...

we need to step it up,

and Shaft's mom isn't gonna get us there.

What is a brioche?

Correct response is, "What is a brioche?"

Man, that Debbie. You can't tell that girl anything.

You going to a costume party?

Oh, that producer guy stopped by this afternoon.

He said he heard I was available. Meet your new ref.

- What?! - Yeah.

- Yeah. - Yes!

I'mma call every match for you.

I only have one, and it's a tag-team match.

I don't get my own fight.

So, so, so? You will shine, no matter how many people are in that ring, okay?

Just, you know, add a little extra something-something.

- A little something? - Yeah, like a little...

- Like a little... Like this? - Yeah. A little...

A sprinkle like this?

Slam 'em down!

I'mma come in, like, "One, two, three! Out!"

- We do not say "out." - You sure?

So, this is it, huh? House at the top of the beanstalk.

It's gonna be great.

Look who came crawling back.

- Hey, Tommy. - You're lucky Dad's on the road.

I'm not here to apologize to him.

- What's going on? - We need your help.

We came to train with you, the Lumberjacksons.

We're busy.

You're sitting on the porch eating Pringles.

They'll do it.

Well, we're playing the US versus Russia as a sort of Cold War ballet.

You guys, I wanna fly.

I wanna literally leave the ground and do some badass aerial shit.

The audience is like, "Aah!" Slack-jawed. Maybe they shit their pants.

I want the whole room to boo me.

Like, that's how much they hate me.

But still make it about her. But she's gotta win the match.

How about a shoulder tackle? That's strong.

- Yeah. - Yeah, well...

How about a drop kick, huh? Like this.

- Ha! How about a headbutt? - Oh!

No? Need more? Okay. Turnbuckle.

- That's kind of exciting. - It's kind of cool. Maybe, but...

How about something with a jump, like this?

Something like that, maybe?

Yes. That. I wanna... I wanna do that.

Seriously?

In the six weeks you've known me, you ever hear me tell a joke?

Not on purpose.

What did Sam say?

Sam wants us to fight two old white ladies.

Think how that's gonna look.

A rapper and a welfare queen abusing the elderly?

- When you put it that way... - We do my version, we're empowered.

We're the heroes. We're like Pam Grier times two.

And I used to double her, so I'd know, okay?

Unless you wanna spend the next three weeks in a La-Z-Boy

hollering about some food stamps.

Do you think they'll do it?

Do you not see what I see?

- Oh, no. - Hey.

You doing great, girls.

So, do I grab onto a specific body part?

You sort of grab everything and fall backwards.

Okay. You're not gonna drop me, right?

No, I swear. I got you.

It's like a fucking trust fall, only I stare at your face

and remember all the reasons I don't trust you.

Look, if you miss, my body will break the fall. I'll take the hit.

Okay.

How'd that look?

So great.

Let's do it again.

No, no.

I was early.

Let her jump on you.

Okay.

Ow.

And...

- Watch it, handsy. - That was good.

...two, one.

- That was better. - Yeah, better.

Yeah, it's fine. It's fine. It's fine.

No, no, no.

Maybe we do it from the second rope. It's still cool.

Okay. Oh, yeah.

Now I'll move over and pull.

Yeah.

- Oh, yeah. And there, there. - Gah!

Like...

- Okay. - Okay, I don't like that.

- That's how you sell it. - Yeah.

- Are you okay? - When you hit her,

you stick your arm into her. You know? Hit her. Don't be afraid.

Like that. See it?

Run it in there.

There you go.

Drive it through. Feel it. Drive it through. All the way there.

There. Let everybody see it.

Yeah. You scared me a little bit.

That was good. Okay.

Oh, don't fall for that.

- Yeah. - Here we go.

Do you have any suspenders or, like, a bow tie or something?

Could you stop ransacking my drawers, please?

I'm working on my costume, okay? Plaits, glasses, braces, and a bow tie?

You're gonna look like that asshole in AC/DC.

You're nervous about the match tomorrow.

Yeah, I'm nervous. I don't wanna talk about it.

Okay.

Wait. Where are you going?

The good-luck present I made you.

What is that?

It's a video.

Of me.

Oh, yeah?

- Shall I put it on? - Yeah, absolutely.

Okay.

♪ GLOW, GLOW, that's the name Women's wrestling is our game ♪

♪ If we play rough Please don't blame us ♪

♪ Our style is wild And you know you can't tame us ♪

Are you rapping?

Um... I'm speak-singing. Like Rex Harrison in My Fair Lady.

♪ I'm Britannica from the UK That's probably why I talk this way ♪

♪ I wear these glasses on my eyes One day I'll win the Nobel Prize ♪

- ♪ GLOW, GLOW, that's the name ♪ - How did you shoot this?

Oh, on the video camera I found in my locker.

My video camera was in your locker?

Oh, yeah, well, someone put it there, yeah.

Why didn't you tell me about this?

Because I wanted to surprise you.

♪ GLOW ♪

♪ GLOW, GLOW, GLOW ♪

♪ GLOW, GLOW ♪

♪ GLOW! ♪

It's pretty catchy.

Yeah.

Cool.

You having a yard sale?

Yeah, you asked for lights. We've got lights, in the ceiling, right?

Sound, I got my sister's karaoke machine.

Music, boom. Casio City.

Now, I didn't get you a camera operator 'cause you lost my camera,

but I did get you a ref.

Keith?

Yo.

What the hell, man? Are we doing community theater?

Why can't you embrace the, like, do-it-yourself charm, huh?

The Mickey and Judy putting on a show in the barn kind of feeling?

Yeah, if only I were on that much speed.

I mean, like, who's gonna announce, you?

I wish. No, I've gotta chaperone Glen Klitnick.

But, Sam, you're gonna do it.

Look at me. You're gonna kill it.

- Hello, hello. - Oh, hey, Glen. What you got here?

Little decoration for the ring from our sponsor.

Sam.

- Let's check it out, huh? - Right.

Cool.

Oh, it folds.

- Yeah, this barely fit in the car. - I bet.

We'll find a great place to put this. Let's get you a good seat.

All right.

Check, check.

Ah, I just come alive in front of an audience.

All the attention.

What a surprise.

I've never done anything in front of an audience before.

Ooh, child. You are in for a treat.

Maybe we should have a safe word.

Something we say if it's, like, mission abort?

Well, who is that real-estate guy

whose name was on a bench outside your old apartment?

Human Mabubifarti?

Yeah. God, I love that name.

Um, does anybody know how to play piano or keyboards?

I do.

Good. I have a job for you.

Uh, also, I guess I should try to bolster you all.

Wish I could tell you there's a full house out there, but there is not.

It's respectable.

About 20 to 30 people, freaks, some children, a homeless guy.

Um... Anyway...

Break a leg.

Yeah.

- Thank you. - Mm-hmm.

That's it?

Is that "places"?

Sure, Ruth. Places.

Thank you, places.

- Hey. - Hey.

Can I get a little kiss for luck?

You're not gonna need luck. I scripted the match so you'll win.

Did you ask her about your camera?

- What? - Your camera.

It's in her locker. We all saw it.

Just go get ready.

Now.

What'd you do to her? Why is she framing you?

She's jealous, all right? She's just got a crush on you.

Oh, my God. Think about it, okay?

Brilliant director.

She's seen every one of your films.

She swoons every time you walk in a room.

All right. So, what am I supposed to do about that?

Be kind and generous to her, like you are with everyone.

All right, let's do this. Welcome, ladies and gentlemen,

to the first ever match of the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling.

Brought to you by Patio Town!

All right. Pace yourselves.

All right, first match.

Battle of the Beasts.

From the icy wastelands of the frozen north

where she rapes, pillages, but mostly rapes,

please boo for Vicky the Viking.

Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Oh, okay.

And now...

from the cloud-crowned heights of the Andes

known by the ancient Incas to be the palace of the gods,

put your hands together for Machu Picchu!

- Is that the only song you know? - It is.

I like her. She's very winning.

Great choice of words.

Here she is...

Machu Picchu.

Carmen, get in the ring.

I can't. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Is she all right? Is this part of the gag?

I'm not sure. I'm gonna go check it out.

The Viking wins. Yeah, all right.

Hey! Machu Picchu! What the fuck is going on?

We've got Glen Klitnick from the network inside.

There's a whole audience here... Oh, my God. Are you okay?

I think I'm having a heart attack.

Oh, shit.

You okay?

I'm trying to remember where I was when Martin Luther King got murdered.

Oh, God, Dawn.

I'm uncomfortable. What if people freak out?

What if they put us on a watch list? What if Bill Cosby gets mad at us?

Will you relax?

They're not gonna know it's us. That's why they wore these things.

What if they recognize our shoes?

They won't.

Look, it's not racist if the black girls came up with the idea, right?

Right. Yes. It was their idea.

So, it's not us, it's them.

Ready?

Ready.

Oh, goddamnit.

One, two, three! Fortune Cookie, down!

Beirut, y'all. Beirut.

As my Aunt Jeanette used to say:

"This nursing home is a waiting room of hell."

And these two old bats are straight out of it.

Clack your dentures together for Ethel and Edna,

the Beatdown Biddies.

White power! White power!

White power!

Segregation forever!

- What the fuck? - Unh-unh.

No. That's not appropriate.

That's not right. You can't come in here with that on.

- White power! - Come in here wearing sheets?

Segregation forever!

Ladies and gentlemen, this is some inappropriate social satire.

I don't know what to say.

Oh, my God!

Someone needs to teach these Casper-looking racist idiots a lesson.

Yeah, I might be a Welfare Queen, but I don't tolerate no bigots!

Save it for the match. Come on. Save it.

All right, well, this is definitely not a match for children.

Or may... Or maybe it is.

Maybe you're... You're really never too young

to know about this country's racial history.

- You guys got somebody over here for me? - Come at me. Come at me.

Over here, who we got? All right. Let's go.

Yeah, get her!

You stink!

Can they see?

- Ho! Ref, that's not legal. Get in there. - Come on, now.

Ref! What is it, ref? Let's do it!

I get in your face?

- I got this. - I know you do.

Let's go, cracker.

This isn't as awful as I thought.

Looks like the blacks have the upper hand.

Helter-skelter, here we come.

Tag, corner.

Not looking good for the white supremacists.

Hey, hey, hey.

Grab! Grab and let go!

Yeah!

Yeah!

We weren't supposed to show our faces!

Oh, we got some winners. Let's go, ladies.

Welfare Queen and Junk Chain!

Shake that booty, Welfare Queen!

Welfare Queen!

All right, it looks like the Black Panthers,

or whatever they're supposed to be, have won.

Justice has been served.

Jesse Jackson will be our next president.

Blood pressure's normal, ECG is fine.

The fainting was an extreme response to emotional distress.

But my heart?

If you're worried about your heart, give Weight Watchers a try.

Whoa.

That guy's a jerk.

Please don't tell anyone.

Tell them what, that you're emotionally distressed? Who isn't?

I've been waiting my whole life to do this.

It should be in my DNA, but I didn't even make it into the ring.

You don't wanna let people down. I get it.

I feel like I'm disappointing a lot of people right now.

What?

Everyone loves you. You're like Santa Claus.

My mom cut me off.

What are you talking about?

I guess she figured out how much money I was spending on all this.

How much money were you spending?

Six hundred thousand-ish.

How did you spend that much money?

I don't know, between renting the motel and all your salaries. Buying the gym.

You bought that place?

It's easier than trying to figure out all the fucking paperwork.

Is the show off?

No. No, no, no. The show is on.

No, I just... I just... I gotta figure out a couple of things.

And now the moment you've been waiting for.

The final match of the night.

You're gonna be great.

Introducing...

Liberty Belle.

Stop it.

USA! USA! USA!

USA! USA!

I'd like to call on the power of my three favorite Americans:

Ronald Reagan, Larry Bird and Jesus Christ himself.

And straight from Moscow.

The commissariat for the proletariat.

Here to destroy our American way of life.

The Cold War never looked hotter...

Zoya the Destroyer.

Fuck you!

Commie!

Very nice.

You've lost, Zoya.

Americans will never give up their freedom!

Capitalist pig!

I will neuter all your pet dogs

and fill your swimming pools with borscht!

One last time. Defect or die.

Nyet!

Prepare yourself for mutually-assured destruction!

All right, ladies...

I want a good clean fight, all right?

No dirty business, no funny business. Let's keep it...

Zoya!

Oh, a dirty move by a dirty Russian.

Zoya is a dirty, dirty girl.

Count one!

Come on.

Ref... My voice...

Stalin!

You boo?

Keep your hands up.

So sad. So sad, Miss America!

Get up!

Come with me.

Is it over for the American dream? Is this bye-bye Miss American Pie?

No one can defeat Soviet Union!

Hey.

You guys are doing great.

Do you know what happens next? 'Cause I don't!

Okay, go ahead. All right.

Please. Don't... I surrender. Let's talk this out like adults.

- What's that, princess? - Come here.

Yes!

Hey, hey, hey, what's this?

USA! USA!

One quick question. How do you spell "freedom"?

U... S... A!

USA! USA!

USA dies! Whoo!

USA! USA! USA!

Jump! Jump! Jump!

Stupid American Barbie!

You think elbow to face will stop me?

Let's go! Yeah! Come on!

Come on! Get back in there!

Classic American! You run away. Bye-bye.

This is insane. It's fucking insane.

It's not insane. It's a job.

I mean, you won't even talk to me. But Ruth?

We're working together.

Is this some sort of elaborate ploy?

You sound crazy.

I sound crazy? You joined a wrestling television show.

Yeah, I guess you can take the girl out of the trailer park, but you can't...

Put... Fuck.

It wasn't a fucking trailer park.

I was watching you and I was like, "I don't even know who this woman is.

Truly, she's a stranger."

How did you even find me?

I followed your parents when they dropped off Randy last week.

Like a stalker.

No, like a man who's sick of wondering where the fuck his wife and child are.

And then the Russian guy at the desk was kind enough

to invite me to the live girl-on-girl wrestling match

starring daytime television's former Laura Morgan.

Which is also mind-blowing. You put your name on this trash?

Fuck you, Mark!

You always fucking do this. Whatever success I have,

whatever good thing that I have built, you wanna piss all over it.

Fine, here.

What, are these fucking divorce papers?

Guess you better get yourself a lawyer.

In... In... In Soviet Union,

we don't celebrate your all nice American Thanksgiving.

We celebrate the feast of Lenin,

where we just be... thanking the rats for not eating us.

♪ GLOW, GLOW, that's the name ♪

♪ Women's wrestling is our game ♪

♪ If we play rough Please don't blame us ♪

♪ Our style is wild And you know you can't tame us ♪

♪ GLOW, GLOW, that's the name ♪

♪ Women's wrestling is our game ♪

♪ If we play rough Please don't blame us ♪

♪ Our style is wild And you know you can't tame us ♪

♪ GLOW, GLOW, that's the name ♪

♪ Women's wrestling is our game ♪

♪ If we play rough Please don't blame us ♪

♪ Our style is wild And you know you can't tame us ♪

♪ GLOW, GLOW, that's the name ♪

♪ Women's wrestling is our game ♪

♪ If we play rough Please don't blame us ♪

♪ Our style is wild And you know you can't tame us ♪

♪ GLOW, GLOW, that's the name ♪

♪ Women's wrestling is our game ♪

♪ If we play rough Please don't blame us ♪

♪ Our style is wild And you know you can't tame us ♪

♪ GLOW ♪

♪ GLOW, GLOW, GLOW, GLOW ♪

♪ GLOW, GLOW, GLOW, GLOW! ♪

Subtitle Sync by: @Aren.zo ♪ SoundCloud.com/aren-z