Original subtitles

Previously on doom patrol...

Just tell me you're okay.

Tell me I didn't hurt you. Please.

What am I supposed to do?

Knowing is your job.

This is bullshit!

Every criminal we bust, every person we save, is us

fulfilling a pledge to your mom, that's our burden, Vic.

That's what it means to be cyborg.

When I was still living on Danny,

sometimes it would be days, even months between papa's visits.

But he always came back.

How do you let go?

I don't know if I figured that part out yet...

I know where I will be, I'll be right here.

Okay.

With my wife and with my baby.

- Good luck to you. - What the fuck?

Where'd you go?

And who is the target?

She must be eliminated.

We are beholden to the brain.

I mean, if one ignores the fact that we appear to be dead,

it's almost peaceful.

Are we seriously fucking dead?

Are you fucking kidding me?

Are you fucking kidding me? We're not fucking dead.

Sure, we're just crossing the river. It's all good.

Oh, I'm sorry, did you want me to tell you you were right?

That the big green guy with the death ray was bad?

- Yeah. - Fine. You win, blue balls.

This is horseshit.

Dead or not dead, we're busting outta here.

- We're not busting out of here. - Shut it, sack.

Listen up, we bum-rush the jawa,

we get the hell out of dodge.

Fuck, yes.

Question.

Is anybody else starting to feel a little freaky?

Yeah.

What is that?

Smells like... eggs?

Hello?

What's going on?

Huh...

Guys?

Hey, you're back...

Ugh. Crap. Oh...

Yarn?

No, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no.

No, no!

Are you happy now? Huh?

If you were here, I could be yelling at you!

But you left me here all alone!

And now I lost the best friends I've ever had!

I wasn't even supposed to be here!

I did this.

That dumb resort was my idea.

Niles handed me my destiny.

He literally gave me a key to my destiny and what did I do?

I went on vacation.

Cliff.

Cliff.

You never love me anymore

How we doing today?

Are you shitting me?

Who?

It's me. Cliff. Your son.

- Cliffie? - Yup.

Christ on a bike.

Life's taken a turn since I saw you last, huh?

Sure. Is this heaven?

Well, up until about 30 seconds ago, I would've sworn it was.

What the hell happened to you anyway?

Actually, since you're asking,

sort of became a minor superhero since you last saw me.

Uh-huh.

Didn't think it would've been garguax the decimator's

alien death ray that finally got me, but here we are.

Alien death ray, huh?

Yup.

Well, whatever cranks your tractor, son.

Told you to watch your footing, son.

Mom?

Come on, Victor, we don't have all day.

Wait, mom. Hold up!

Come.

- Hooray! Dorothy's home. - Yes.

How was the burial? Was it amazing?

Um, my father's burial? It was fine.

Awesome. I have some news, actually, some not-so-great news.

But not to worry because I have a plan.

What news?

What is this?

No, no, no, no, no.

Now, the real bitch was cliff 'cause he came in a few pieces,

but it's nothing a welding torch couldn't handle.

But the bandages? Lifesaver.

They'll preserve the bodies until the ground has thawed.

Cinco de Mayo burial.

- Um... - Hold on.

Hmm...

Right? Right, that's so Jane.

So Jane.

- Larry? - What?

Why did you arrange our dead friends at the dining room table?

Because leaving them jammed in the shipping boxes

was weird and morbid.

Seriously, Dorothy.

And they don't look weird and morbid now?

Actually, seeing this through fresh eyes, I can see your point.

Oh, god.

Larry, it's okay.

- How about I make us some pancakes? - Okay.

Here, let me help.

Help!

Help! Help!

- Whoa! - Oh!

What happened?

Rita! I saw Rita's face in the batter.

Her face was in the pancake batter, I swear to god.

I mean, what if she's stuck in purgatory?

I saw her, Dorothy. You have to believe me.

What if she's not dead?

We need help.

I think crystal should wait outside.

First off, it's bullshit when you talk about me

like I'm not standing right here, Edwin.

Come on, mate, you know she doesn't like it.

You're doing it, too.

I know you guys have this, "Oh, we're dead,

and we've been best ghost friends for 30 years..."

Like, 40 years.

Whatever the fuck, Charles.

I'm a part of the detective agency now, so don't leave me out.

You're the part of the agency that can still die.

Do you want to die? 'Cause this is dangerous.

If we simply killed her, this wouldn't be an issue anymore.

Say that again. I dare you.

Struck a nerve, did I?

That is an ambulance.

- A keen observation, crystal. - Shut up, Edwin.

Hold up a tick. I think I know this ambulance.

Danny, is that you?

You know an ambulance?

Used to be a street, didn't they?

They want us to go with them.

We should go, Danny's aces.

We're in the middle of a case.

He'll totally still be there when we get back.

Thanks, Danny.

Hi. Nice mansion.

- Wow. Look at these two. - Dear lord.

Ugh, can smell bandages from here, can't I?

Uh, we can hear you.

Oh, no.

Wait, who?

You can hear the boys?

Don't be dotty, of course we can.

You're ghosts, and you're standing right in front of us.

Now, Danny recommended you.

You are the dead boy detective agency?

That we are.

Here to solve any and all supernatural mysteries.

Hauntings, curses, otherworldly creatures, anything strange, really.

We're selectively here to solve mysteries.

How old is this house?

Old. And it's a perfectly lovely house.

Now, how much do you charge for your services?

Uh, well, we have to eat, you know?

Or I have to eat, they don't eat.

Okay. Um, this has been super fun, but you can leave now.

No, stay. And you'll be paid fairly.

But no funny business.

Deal?

Why would you do this?

I don't know. Comfort?

Hey, Jesus, isn't it clear that I'm not doing okay?

These kids are Danny's big idea?

You lot sent the magical ambulance to get us, right?

Okay, listen, if you two are ghosts, then why can I see you?

People who have been close to death or extreme horrors can see us.

Uh-huh. Copy that.

Okay, let's get down to business.

To contact your friends, we'll need a personal item.

And we'll need a person to be the conduit.

You're a psychic. Can't you do it?

Sorry, I don't let spirits inside me anymore.

It can go sideways.

- She has damage. - Shut it, Edwin.

Anyway...

It should be someone with a strong connection

to whoever we're trying to reach.

Oh, Larry saw Rita in the pancake batter this morning.

Or, you know, I'm hallucinating from grief.

So you're a very sad mummy then, yeah?

If Rita is reaching out, she might still be conscious.

That means bandages here is the conduit.

So, this is your afterlife?

You drink beer, hunt?

Of course you do.

Actually, I call it my happy place.

Have a look.

Whoa.

The hell you do that for?

You're gonna love it. Tastes just like chicken.

That horse-winged thing was beautiful and you just...

You just destroyed it like everything else in your life, you son of a bitch!

Hell, I know you tried your ever-fucking-best to screw me up.

Make me a bad father, a bad husband, but guess what, asshole?

It didn't work. You couldn't destroy me because in the end,

I knew my daughter. I knew my grandson,

and you know what? They knew me.

My sweet Ciara had a boy, huh?

Oh, you mean my sweet Clara? What do you care?

Hot damn.

What do you mean, your sweet Clara?

There's no such thing as your sweet Ciara!

I know you're reeling, Victor. It's a lot.

You wanna talk about it?

After the accident...

After we lost you,

dad saved my life.

He and s.T.A.R. Labs gave me the name cyborg

and, I don't know, I've sort of been a superhero ever since.

Trying to anyway.

That sounds like something your father would do.

Mom...

I am so sorry. I didn't mean...

No, no. Do not blame yourself for a single solitary thing.

Do you hear me?

Look at this.

I am out here every day hiking amongst all this beauty.

I'm living my best life here and now, Victor.

Okay.

I never heard you talk about hiking a day in your life.

Uh, I beg your pardon. Your father and I hiked

- and rock climbed, too... - Okay, now, hold up. When?

Long before you came along, chump.

I met somebody.

Now, this is what I'm here for.

Name?

Roni. She's cool, mom.

She's real.

She just opened my eyes,

but she's in a lot of pain.

And she's done some real bad things.

And I know I'm supposed to be this hero,

but I just had to give her another chance.

That was the only thing that felt right.

No matter the risk.

Of course, dad says...

Victor, I could give a rat's ass what your father said.

Maybe he chose to turn you into some sort of cybernetic weapon,

but as your mother who is half-responsible for this,

I'm proud to see the sensitive, thinking,

compassionate man I raised is alive and well.

Now take this and come on.

We're almost there.

These are all Rita's?

If we're trying to reach one of our friends,

we're trying them all.

Okay, you're the medium. What do they do?

Edwin has an extensive working knowledge

of dead creatures that might try to slip into Larry.

Charles has a stockpile of weapons, costumes, generally upsetting shit.

Okay, what's that for?

It's a baseball bat.

'Cause we're in the states.

Mind your business.

Oh, god.

Boys. Turnip!

All of your sex ghosts have the same safe word.

Just fyi.

They need a cabinet particulier.

It's a private room for romantic trysts.

Honestly, it's a perfectly commonplace phrase when I was alive.

Wait, I've got something.

But if this is Rita, I'm sensing...

It's like she's here and on the other side.

What does that mean?

It's not like a normal thing, so I don't exactly know, but...

Larry, call out to Rita.

- Rita? Rita, can you hear me? - Larry?

Larry, we're trapped in...

It feels like hell.

- I think it's hell. - It's not hell.

Trust me.

- Who was that? - Rita, it's Dorothy. Hello.

You said you were with the others?

We're under some kind of black tunnel, with lights that pass by.

Sounds like the tunnel of souls.

They're still being processed.

So they're not gone? Do you know where they are?

Technically.

Don't worry, Rita. We're going to come and get you. You'll be okay.

Right, that is not the plan.

Wait! You don't have to fight.

Well, we did what we'd said we do, and we'll email you an invoice.

If you wanna go to the afterlife, do it yourselves.

Wait, wait.

Wait. We don't know how.

Please.

I lost my mom and then my dad.

I can't lose my friends, too. They're all I have.

You lost...

This isn't our problem anymore.

Crystal.

Look, imagine what it's like to know there might be

a way to get your family back.

But you can't do it without help.

Right, we going?

I think maybe we should help.

Oh, fuck right off. You know death is looking for us.

Parading around in the afterlife

seems like a keen way to get her attention.

Crossing over is a big ask.

We don't usually go in for that sort of thing, crystal, and you know it.

Whoa. Hold up, hold up. There's an actual death?

Like an actual capital "d" death that is looking for you, specifically?

- Mind your business. - This is what I'm talking about.

Yes, it's different and whatever, scary.

And yes, it is riskier for you two than it is for me.

But, Edwin, no one knows the afterlife like you.

And Charles will protect you.

- I don't need Charles to protect me. - I'd do it anyway, won't I?

You say you started this agency to help people,

to have a purpose with all this time on your hands.

You want to be like those guys from the detective novels?

Okay, I vote we help.

I also vote we help.

- What? - Sorry.

- I vote you help, too. - You don't get a vote.

Fine.

But if we get caught, you'll feel absolutely gutted, crystal.

There he is. There's a brave lad.

Okay, Larry. We'll go with you.

Your connection to Rita will be a bit of a flashlight in the dark.

No, no. See... 'Cause I'm alive.

And if I'm alive, then how could I go with you?

Love this.

You're going to astral project.

So your soul will leave your body.

Oh, just like the negative spirit.

Not like that?

Sorry, never mind.

Here. Take this.

Concentrate. What do you see?

Oh, it's a space shuttle. Yeah. Like...

Oh! Ow! Fuck!

God! What the...

What... what did you just... look, look.

Wha... look at me.

Right. We enter here.

Stay close to us.

Edwin has a proper knowledge of how things work over on this side.

We'll keep an eye on things here.

Uh, this is not what I expected the afterlife to look like.

This isn't the afterlife.

It's more like a road to the afterlife. It's a road to a lot of places.

Edwin's been dead since 1916, so he spent a lot of time here.

That bat is in case we see death?

Okay, I get that you're doing the very adult thing

of using humor to hide anxiety,

but you're a tourist here, right?

Death is no joke.

Death's quite nice, actually. And she is super fit.

It's the things that work for her you have to worry about.

There's no way my daughter reconciled with a shitheel like you.

How about a shitheel like you?

Not the same.

Well, you believe what you want, cliffie.

The fact is, you decapitating yourself and Kate

kicked off a long and fruitful relationship.

Bullshit.

Honestly, the whole love-in with Clara

almost made me wanna do a do-over with you and your mom.

Really? Okay.

Since we're stuck together for all eternity,

you want a do-over, let's do a do-over.

I'll start. Fuck you!

I'm afraid that's not how it works here, son.

I'm just a welcoming committee.

Your forever is that way.

Good. If it means forever getting away from your ass, sign me up.

That's it?

Yes, sir.

Um, wh... when I mentioned my parents earlier,

- your face was... - What about it?

Oh, nothing. It just looked like maybe...

Look, I'm playing this game to distract myself

from the fact I just sent my best friends into, like, danger.

If you have a question, just ask.

Are your parents dead, too?

Whoa.

Whoa.

My slot car?

What're you doing here, little buddy?

Wait, that's cliff.

Does that mean cliff can hear us?

It's not an exact science,

but I think it means he's not fully dead yet.

Really?

Maybe we can reach them all.

Whoa! Wait! Fuck!

Uh... what the fuck?

Okay. This tree is terrifying. Must be where we're headed.

Now we enter the afterlife.

But the price to open the door is... pain.

You, uh, you don't have to do that, Edwin.

We can find another way in.

I've got some pain.

I... I can afford to spare some pain to open the door, or whatever. I'll do it.

That's nice of you.

It's just...

You see that lever?

That's my pain.

I have to pull it.

Charles never officially crossed over when he died,

and you're not actually dead.

I'm the only one this place knows.

I'll get to it.

I'd be a right shit detective if I didn't.

Hold this, please.

All right.

Oh, yeah. Let's get to it.

Hmm...

What the fuck?

I was supposed to go to my afterlife.

Same.

The watchers. They mind the tunnel.

Keep the souls in place.

Right, just we'll want to avoid them.

He's afraid of water.

- Why? - It's private.

You're nosy, right?

I'll make sure he's fine.

I'm not scared.

Just... you know.

We know.

All right, just so we're clear.

I was saying to Charles earlier,

it seems like you like each other... a lot.

- Like, maybe you have feelings that... - He's my mate.

Don't be crass, all right?

Even if I did, it...

It wouldn't be normal.

It wouldn't be normal, so why talk about it?

Sorry. I just, uh...

I used to think that.

But it is normal. Now.

I mean, it's not 1916, you know?

Right. Well, I'm not like you.

But thanks for the concern.

Um, is he about to freak out?

I'm brilliant. Thanks.

Died of hypothermia in a lake.

But anything for a case. Right?

That river can sod off.

There's a lad. No worries at all.

Um, if this is the part where I'm a flashlight,

why isn't it glowing?

That's just a prop crystal gave you to make you feel more comfortable.

- She's slick like that. - She's good.

You'll just... feel her.

In theory.

- In theory? - Fuck it if we know, mate.

Hope you weren't counting on us for this part.

Right. So are we doing this or...

You, uh... you got that stone?

Yeah.

Your father and I used to have this ritual that

every time we would come up here,

I would put a rock under this tree and he would call me crazy.

Did he have a point?

Maybe. But I got a tree full of rocks.

That's your path, son.

My what?

Your afterlife.

Okay, Victor. I'm doing my best not to cry here.

So could you do us both a favor

and get your butt over there?

What did you mean when you said dad chose to make me into a weapon?

He said he had no choice at all,

that this was the only way to save me.

Victor, when you walk down that path,

anything that happens from here is your choice.

- Focus on that. - Mom.

Your father chose to make you a hero.

Was that so wrong?

What's this?

Oh, it's nothing. I... I was trying to...

- It's stupid. - Trying to contact someone else?

My dad and I used to watch Willy wonka and the chocolate factory

every time he'd visit me.

You could have just told me.

- Well, you're a bit intense. - Yeah.

And I haven't spent a lot of time around other teenage girls.

So, I suppose I was nervous.

All right. Let's cut the shit and just be cool girls.

My only friends in the world are two dead boys,

and I'm worried about them,

but, like, only, like, a little bit worried.

I mean, they can handle themselves.

But, like, it's good that we have each other.

Yeah. How, how did you meet them?

I wouldn't know where to begin with boys.

A demon named David possessed me for over a year.

I did terrible things.

Edwin and Charles were the ones who finally evicted him from my body.

That's how we met.

They're brave, aren't they?

I mean, they've been doing this for, like, decades.

So, yeah, I guess they are brave.

But Dorothy, we're all just a bunch of fucked-up kids

trying to hold shit together by playing detectives.

- We've all got baggage. - Like, with David the demon?

Yeah.

David took some things from me on his way out.

All of the memories of my parents.

Anything that would help me know them or find them.

So my mission is to find David,

fuck him up and get those memories back.

Wow. That's a lot.

People say that it's better to move on.

They'll say that to you about your dad, too,

and, um, it's wise advice.

But screw those people.

Don't sit in this big house feeling sad.

Find a way to reach your dad if you think you can.

Dorothy, we both know there's all kinds

of crazy shit in this world that can happen.

Yeah.

Growing up with goals is important.

For me, having a personal vendetta is, like, really healthy.

Where's Rita?

Unclear. Maybe she escaped.

So what the hell are we waiting for?

Maybe she escaped? Maybe something worse.

Who fucking cares?

We're getting the fuck out of here. We're gonna live again.

And I'm gonna be the best fucking grandfather the world ever saw,

so I can fuck my father in the forehead forever for thinking

he could out-grandpappy

cliff fucking Steele.

Are you shitting me?

Rita?

Larry?

Rita?

- Rita? - Larry.

I got you.

Now that's a proper hug.

- Who? - I'll tell you later.

Steady now. We're in for it.

- Watchers? - Watch... what do we do?

I'm sorry. Is that supposed to...

It's the states, it's an American afterlife,

I'm using the bat.

Okay.

Oh, thank god.

Larry? Shouldn't you be on Jupiter or some shit?

You know, funny, it's not actually me.

It's an astral projection.

I actually don't care.

- Yep, yep. - Okay.

Time to taxidermy this Turkey. Which way's home?

Yeah, I'm thinking you shouldn't have done that.

Who broughtjudgy Harry Potter?

Who's that lady?

That's no lady.

She works for death, and she's not here for you.

Well, look at this. Oh, you naughty boys.

I'm so glad you've come to your senses.

Charles. Edwin.

Almost bed checks, so come along.

Why don't you back the fuck up, girl,

before you get a boot up your ass.

No, no, no, no. That's so not how any of this works.

Not letting her anywhere near you, Edwin. You got that?

Did you find a wee toy?

I've got quite a collection in my bag.

It's kinda my thing, innit?

What the fuck?

Charles. That stung.

Good for you.

Oh, shit.

We didn't come back here to stay.

We've got too many people who need our help,

and you can't make us.

I'm not afraid of you anymore.

So you can take your bed check and fuck off.

All of you, go!

Mindy.

You don't remember me.

It's okay.

Never let them see you sweat.

Get out of here.

She can do whatever she bleeding wants to.

We need to get to the river. Now.

Fuck that. We fucked up those freaks

with the glow-in-the-dark testicle thingies,

we'll fuck up that face-like-a-spider woman, too!

- Who was that guy? - I have no idea.

Uh-oh.

Spin on this, weird spider-face lady!

What the fuck?

It's just vomit!

Look.

You know, in all the afterlife excitement,

I never asked you about space.

Surprised you're back so soon.

Yeah, so am I.

Let's just say it was an experience.

But I'm back.

Minus a passenger.

Oh, Larry.

Are you okay?

I will be.

Thank you.

Oh, hey, who was that guy that tried to save us in the afterlife?

An old friend?

- Not a clue. - Huh.

Maybe he had the wrong Rita.

Maybe.

Your dad shot a Pegasus?

That's, like,

worse than shooting a unicorn by magnitudes of billions.

I think I need help.

I'm gonna make it out of here.

With the living.

Me too.

- I didn't ask... - Eat

we all need our strength.

Everybody, I have an announcement.

I'm truly glad you're all safe,

and you're the closest thing to a family I've ever really had.

But she's leaving.

Losers.

They're right. I am. Butjust for a while.

I need to find a few things.

Well, um, we hope you find what you're looking for.

That was patently for all of us.

Subtlety is really not your strong suit.

What, are you and goggles pals now?

Guess you're a lot alike, really.

All severe and moody and pessimistic.

Maybe we are. Bugger off, Charles.

Have fun, you kids.

Don't worry about us. We're great.

Um, who in the sweet mercy of fuck are you?

Hmm, good question.

Now, who would like some tea?