Original subtitles

Previously on doom patrol...

- Niles is dying. - What?

But we're all dying. Nothing to fret over.

You learned to master that thing in five years.

How long did it take you?

If you ever need a new perspective on earth,

I highly recommend space.

Is that what you want, buddy?

I go to prison, but the people who poisoned my body

and paid me to do horrible things

on their behalf walk free?

That's why I'm giving you a two-minute head start

before I call the police.

You don't want to become a name on my list, Vic.

Something's wrong with my hand. The fingers are all slow.

Too...

Fucking...

Slow.

You are the only one I trust.

I hereby leave the secret to you.

Will somebody do something about...

That?

Arrival imminent.

You've got to be fucking kidding.

This moment in history is ours

to do with what we will.

The hour upon us is dark.

Our very way of life is under attack.

Our dedication to evil, besieged.

But we will not shy from adversity.

Niles caulder will be stopped.

Evidently, he's taken out our man in Paraguay.

And that insufferable Eric morden along with him.

Je m'en fous.

In light of this new intelligence,

it appears we're next on his list.

However, it'll take much more than whatever two-bit army

caulder's building to stop us.

Monsieur mallah...

Send him in.

Kindly send him in, please.

- I thought you said this was fixed. - It was working this morning.

-We have access -give me a second...

To the most advanced alien technologies. And we can't even...

- Oh, god damn it. - Let me just try and see...

- Just leave it. Leave it! - Oh, okay. Fine. Okay.

Maureen, send him in!

Behold!

Garguax the decimator!

Eater of worlds!

Annihilator of zortain!

Raider of the seven galaxies of cressida!

It's just us, Samuelson. Relax.

Thank you for coming, garguax.

You've already been briefed, so I'll be quick.

Our crusade against caulder is in jeopardy,

and we need backup.

When this transponder gives the signal...

You'|I know the target's onsite.

She must be eliminated swiftly and with severity.

Of course.

And who is the target?

You're our most trusted ally, garguax.

We're counting on you.

The fate of our entire organization rests in your hands.

Make us proud.

Week one. We're in. No sign of the target.

But when she dares to show her face, we'll be ready.

In the meantime, our presence here will go completely unnoticed.

Behold!

Garguax the decimator!

Eater of worlds!

Annihilator of zortain!

Raider of the seven galaxies of cressida.

Jim Thompson. Life group insurance.

And he said to me, "I am a proctologist."

And I say, "great!

Then you shouldn't have any trouble..."

Pulling your head out of your ass.

Week 87.

Still no sign. Ever vigilant, garguax.

Week 143.

Still no sign.

Week 247. Week 292. Still no sign.

Still no sign. Still no sign.

Still no sign. Ever vigilant, garguax.

Week 326.

Still no sign.

Ever vigilant, garguax.

My lord...

My lord...

My god...

Week 2189.

Still no sign of the target. Ever vigilant...

God damn it!

There are mysterious things in this world

that bear keeping an eye on...

Shit...

Shit...

Shit!

Shit!

Oh!

Ah!

God damn it, Larry.

Where are you when I need you?!

Is that what I think it is?

Is that your home, pal?

You wanna show me your home?

Oh, god...

Oh, my god.

Oh, my god.

Oh, god.

Hey, little buddy. It's okay.

I gotcha. I gotcha.

It's okay.

All good. I'm on it.

Think this little hellraiser was just looking for some attention.

Which is why we were hoping to let him cry it out,

so that he can start going to sleep on his own.

What? No!

You can't spoil a baby in the fourth trimester.

He'll get into a rhythm when he's ready.

Okay. Thanks, cliff.

It's okay, sweet boy. It's okay.

Dad, is your hand...

Turkey cheddar sandwiches are out in the kitchen.

Toasted the rolls, just like you like.

I put together the new stroller.

Finished up a load of laundry,

and I'll swing by the market to grab some more diapers

for professor poopypants here.

Anything else you want me to get while I'm there?

Uh, no, I think we're good.

Okay. Cool, cool, cool.

I'm gonna go get the mail.

Awesome.

I get the guy wants to make up for lost time,

but... does he got to do it all at once?

He's just excited.

Hey, have you by any chance noticed how his hand...

Oh, god.

Uh, sorry, a bitjammed up. Baby's fine.

Just a little sun-shower.

Hey.

It's okay, Rory. It's okay.

You all right?

Yep! This is just... It happens sometimes.

All good.

All right.

Come on, you stupid fucking piece of shit robot body.

God damn it!

Call initiated.

You're shitting me.

I shit you not, dude.

Our lead on the quorom breach checked out.

Evers had help.

Who? Wait.

Let's not talk on open lines.

Call terminated.

Grid.

Run another facial recognition search on roni evers.

Scanning.

Inconclusive.

Where are you?

Grid, cross-check her last known whereabouts with...

Mandatory shutdown initiated.

Grid, what are you...

What the hell?

- Let me explain. - Explain what?

Why I'm standing here calling you from a flip phone

I haven't used since middle school?

I was gonna call,

but things have been a bit tense around here lately.

What's going on?

Your actions had consequences.

That's what's going on.

What?

Quorum sent 8. T.A.R. Labs their security feed

from a few days back.

And guess who made quite a cameo.

All right. I know how it looks.

I won't sit here and pretend to understand

why you did what you did.

But this is bad.

No matter the excuse, at the end of the day,

cyborg let a criminal go free.

That's all I am to you?

Cyborg, brought to you by s.T.A.R. Labs.

Don't even try it.

- We both know that's not true. - Isn't it?

If it were, I wouldn't be doing everything in my power

to smooth this over and save your ass.

So, maybe a little gratitude?

They can't just shut me down.

You shut yourself down, son.

There's got to be something I can do.

Don't do anything to piss them off more than you already have.

- Just lie low. - Can I at ieastjust...

Just. Lie. Low.

Excuse me?

Hello?

A little help, please?

Hello?

Ugh...

What the hell happened?

Oh, just one of my episodes.

I need to get out of here.

I'll get the sump pump.

I mean, out of this insufferable house.

Everywhere you turn in this place,

it's niles, niles, niles. It's exhausting.

All right. So take a walk.

I was thinking more like a vacation.

A proper vacation.

I can't go on vacation right now.

- I got a lot going on. - Oh, really?

Like what?

I'll get my laptop.

That won't be necessary.

Oh. Hey.

- I wanna say, um... - Secretary.

If you need assistance booking travel, allow me.

Done.

Codsville mountain resort.

It satisfies all the requirements

I assume you're looking for. All-inclusive, inexpensive,

remote, quiet, cable TV and bottomless mimosa brunches

every day in a place called the "bing-bang room."

Sold!

-You coming? {935951

oh!

I'm saving up my vacation days for a trip to dollywood.

Okay. But does Jane wanna come?

I'm sorry.

Jane's currently unavailable.

Kay?

What are you doing up here?

I was curious.

It's been a while since I last looked out.

I didn't even think you knew this place existed.

- Are you okay? - I was going to ask you the same thing.

What do you mean?

Niles.

He's gone now.

- Are you sad? - It's complicated.

But I'm fine.

They're going on a trip.

I'll tell them bon voyage.

We're not going?

I don't really need a vacation.

Wait, do you wanna go?

I think we should.

I think it might be good for you.

I'm in.

But you fuck rags better not ruin this.

Hoorah!

Victor, fetch the sump pump.

What about tin man?

Fuck!

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!

Fucking shit body. Fuck!

- Still no luck? - Any second now.

You sure there's no one we can call?

Sweetie, it's fine. I'm okay.

Really.

This doesn't have anything to do with your hand issue, does it?

What hand issue?

Dad...

Come on, seriously, I'm not stupid. I've seen your hand tremor.

Oh, that? It's nothing.

It's probably just some built-up electrical discharge or some shit.

Mel's mee-maw had a similar issue.

Before she...

Before she passed away.

Mel's mee-maw?

Who died when she was like 193?

What was it?

Parkinson's.

Well, that sucks.

But last I checked, robots don't get Parkinson's.

- Maybe robots with human brains can? - Uh-huh...

Look, I'm not trying to freak you out or anything.

I just think you need to get it checked out.

I'm fine.

Dad...

I am really happy we're in each other's lives again.

I am.

But if you're going to keep looking after Rory

and driving my wife nuts in the process,

I need to be sure it's safe.

For his sake.

And also I love you.

I love you, too.

Fuck.

Hey, dipshit.

Oh. Hey, guys.

- We're going on vacation. - Huh. Nice suitcase?

Not a suitcase.

It's a useless sack of shit.

I heard that.

It's me, cliff.

- Rita. - Like I said.

So, you in or what?

Fuck, yes.

Oh, uh...

Can someone do me a solid and knock me on my ass real quick?

That usually loosens me right up.

You sure that's really such a...

With fucking pleasure!

Thanks, hammerhead!

What a ghost town.

Was this really the best place secretary could find?

Is it dreadful?

Please tell me it's not dreadful.

- Well, there's a lake. - Oh.

This says not to swim.

Leeches gather along the shoreline.

- Oh, dear god. - Quiet, sack.

They have Wi-Fi, right?

They have a rotary phone in the lobby for $2.99 a minute.

But it seems like there's lots of cool activities on the grounds.

Like that one.

What is it?

It's called the backbone.

Quickest way to discover who you really are.

The only way to reach the top is to let go of all your fear.

Ooh, says here back in the 705,

Nixon climbed up, and when he came back down, he resigned.

Huh!

What was that?

Hey, pal.

Negative spirit release.

Where'd you go?

You're not actually going to climb that thing, are you?

Why? What's the problem?

- It's a death trap. - Chickenshit.

All right. Up you go.

You going to get that checked out anytime soon?

Jesus Christ, you sound like my daughter.

What the hell's the point in getting me checked out?

So you can find out what's wrong?

And then what? Sink into another 20-year depression

when I also find out that there's nothing I can actually do about it?

- Maybe there is. - Right. 'Cause I'm that lucky.

Nah! If I'm living on borrowed time,

I'm not going to waste it like I did before.

I'm going to enjoy the ever-living fuck out of it.

And finding out I might have some terminal disease

isn't exactly my idea of a fucking party. Got that, baby blue?

I was wondering how long it would take you to give me shit about this.

Seriously, what's the deal?

I'm kind of on ice right now.

S.t.a.r. Labs isn't too happy with me.

Roni got into some trouble and I tried to help her out of it.

Makes sense.

You love her.

Whoa! It's not about that.

I was just trying to give her another chance.

- Help her go in a different direction. - 'Cause you love her.

No, 'cause she's a good person who got dealt a bad hand.

And she deserves better.

I was just trying to give her that.

- 'Cause... you... - This is not about roni, all right?

I just don't like having my wings clipped.

That's all.

I'm cyborg.

My tech is part of who I am.

Your tech is just a bunch of tangled wires and twisted metal.

It's got nothing to do with who you are.

Trust me.

Unfurrow your brow, Jane.

You can't afford the frown lines.

You can't even see me.

I don't need to.

Are you going to relax at all on this vacation?

Mmm. I'm relaxed.

She said with ever the defensive tone.

Look, I'm just not built to kick back, okay?

- That's not my job. - I see.

But surely the others won't begrudge you

a little well-deserved time for self-care?

They don't.

They've actually been trying to help out more.

Even the girl.

But that's not how it's supposed to work.

I'm the one who looks out for her,

not the other way around.

I guess I've just been a little off lately 'cause...

Whatever. It doesn't matter.

What about you?

Is this place helping with your situation?

Let's see.

Not yet.

To be completely honest,

I'm not in any particular hurry to reconstitute.

Why not?

Even if I could manage to pull myself together,

what's the point?

Who would I even be?

I tried to be Rita farr, I failed.

I tried to be the beekeeper, I failed.

And poor gertrude cramp, she never even had a chance.

Yeah. Wait, who the fuck is the beekeeper?

A failed effort to reinvent myself.

However, I think

"amorphous putty woman" suits me better.

Even if this vacation fails to restore my body,

at the very least, we're out of the chief's dismal flophouse.

It's a bit difficult to move past one's grief

when you're still eating the departed's rocky road.

He really was a rat bastard, wasn't he?

What a cruel thing to say about rats.

First he ruins our lives, and then he just abandons us.

Unforgivable.

Thank heavens we're finally free of him.

So, it's settled then?

We're glad he's gone.

Yep.

I'm fine. I'm fuckin' fine.

I don't need to get checked out.

Why don't you get fuckin' checked out?

Everyone needs to fuckin' relax.

Sounds like you're the one that needs to relax.

Uh, oh, sorry. Didn't think anyone else was in here.

No problem.

You know...

This place will do wonders for you if you let it.

Garguax the decimator.

- Cliff Steele. - Pleasure.

- First time at the resort? - Yeah. You?

Technically, sure.

Yeah, I've been here a while, though.

Hey, have you tried that backbone thing by any chance?

Fuck no.

You think I got a death wish?

If I was a younger man, maybe. But...

Nah, those days are behind me now.

I hear you, brother.

I'd give my left wingnut to claw back a couple of the good years.

Yeah, when it was good,

it was really fucking good, wasn't it?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, man.

When I was at the top of my game

and I saw something I wanted,

I just took it. No questions asked.

Same here. I was a shitty asshole,

but I was the best goddamn shitty asshole there ever was.

I had everything!

Then one day, boom.

Boom.

Nothin'.

- Best years of my life... - Gone.

Thought maybe, just maybe,

I might be able to crawl out from under the wreckage,

put a few of the broken pieces back together.

But lately, uh...

I don't know.

Time, man.

It's a real kick in the ass, ain't it?

Yeah.

- Fuckin' niles caulder! - Fuckin' niles caulder.

- That fucking guy. - That fucking guy!

- What did he do to you? - Oh, nothing.

I just had this whole bright future ahead of me,

and that fucking guy blew it the fuck up.

Yep, that sounds like fucking niles.

Well, we're better men now, I guess.

Yeah, I guess.

Yeah. There comes a time where you just gotta give in to your fate

and say, "fuck it."

You know what I mean?

Um... sure.

See you around, cliff.

Yeah. See ya.

- God, I miss alcohol. - Ugh.

Are we sure there's actually any in here?

Or is it just some mystery mix of red and blue sugar water?

I don't know, Rita. Why don't I go get the mixologist

and ask her which top-shelf booze she used

to make our $6 scorpion bowl?

This place blows.

Behold! Garguax the decimator.

Eater of worlds. Annihilator of zortain.

Raider of the seven galaxy...

What in the ever-loving fuck?

What is it? What's going on?

- Hey, cliff. - Hey, garg.

Um, who the hell is that?

Who? Garguax? Oh, he's my new resort buddy.

Nice guy. You know, you always realize

what a small world it is when you go on vacation.

Turns out he hates niles' fucking guts as much as we do.

- What are the odds? - Wait, wait. He knew niles?

Guess so.

My lord, who are those guests?

I don't know who the other ones are,

but, uh, the robot guy is cliff.

He's good people.

There are meta-humans staying at this resort?

Don't know.

Anyone else think there's some kind of cause for concern here?

I'll ask again. What is going on?

Well, a red alien guy

just called a green alien guy "garguax the decimator."

So not much.

- Are they supervillains? - What?

It's probably just a dumb nickname.

Oh. Yeah.

He probably just picked it up at his freshman year at dartmouth.

So we're really just gonna sit here?

Look, even if the guy's a supervillain,

which he's not, he's clearly on vacation.

Yeah, or retired.

So why don't we let low-budget Shrek and his buddy eat in peace, yeah?

If you're looking to me for backup, Victor, don't bother.

My buzz is finally kicking in.

Hey, fellas.

I'm cyborg.

On our home planet,

that word, "cyborg," means "fish fucker."

I'm sorry, do we have a problem here?

There's no problem here, Mr. Cyborg.

We're just trying to enjoy our vacation.

- That's all I'm askin'. - That's all I'm askin'.

Okay. Thank you, Columbo. Now...

I'll leave you fellas to it.

We worked it out.

Our hero.

That guy said garguax eats worlds.

I really think we should do something.

I'm confused.

I could've sworn you said you worked it out.

Come on. This is a layup.

Taking this guy on is the lowest possible superteam bar we can clear.

Not a superteam, blue steel.

- Yeah, old blue eyes. - Yeah, blue light special.

Nice.

Not for nothing, but maybe you shouldn't be judging

who is and who isn't a villain.

If you were willing to look the other way for your girlfriend,

- why not this guy? - Leave her out of this.

- Just sayin'. - You said it yourself, cliff.

Garguax was an enemy of niles.

We should do this for him.

You got it twisted, blue balls.

The enemy of my enemy is my friend.

If that guy hates niles, that's all I need to know.

Why don't we all just take a breath and relax?

We're on vacation.

A vacation for what?

Look, a vacation implies you actually have a job

that you need to take a break from.

We don't do anything.

That's not true.

I'm sorry, I forgot.

So, uh, is this how the beekeeper would handle the situation?

Apparently so.

Looking the other way is what I do best.

Add the chief's faith in me to the list of his many faults.

He foolishly believed I was destined for heroism,

but when the call to action actually came, I promptly hung up.

What are you talking about, sad sack? What happened?

Niles left me a key to a secret compartment in the manor.

Last night, a strange device was emitting

some kind of unbearably vexing signal.

I can't be sure what it was,

but it's entirely possible someone was in need of help.

And you didn't say anything?

No, Victor, I didn't say anything.

I didn't do anything.

I did the exact opposite of what a hero is supposed to do.

I came on vacation.

If I'm going to be honest with myself,

Then I should at least get to be myself.

I'm no hero.

The beekeeper was yet another mediocre role

I played to middling reviews.

Another pathetic attempt at relevance in a world

that would sooner see me forgotten.

A quiet obscurity

worked well enough for decades. I mean...

Perhaps it's time I returned to what I know.

You did nothing wrong.

How can you say that?

Not a superteam.

Maybe we should leave stuff like this

to the people who are actually equipped to deal with it.

That's us! Look at me.

I'm literally equipped to deal with it!

- Not anymore. - You know what, cliff...

How about you take a break

from the hero shtick, cyborg, and just be,

for a minute!

That's why we all came here, right?

You all got your own shit to deal with.

- I got my own shit to deal with. - You mean "avoid."

Oh, fuck all the way off, dude.

What is he talking about?

You wanna tell 'em or should I?

Okay, I'll tell 'em.

Cliff has a brain issue and he won't do anything about it.

Are you okay?

Will everybody stop fucking asking me that?

I'm fine, okay? I'm fine!

And before you ask, no!

I'm not gonna get it checked out.

Even if I wanted to, who's gonna do it?

The one guy who might have known how to help me is dead, remember?

Niles is fucking dead!

He stuck my fucked-up brain in this fucked-up body,

and now he's worm food!

And you want me to do this for him?

Fuck him! I don't owe him Jack-motherfucking-squat.

None of us do!

So fuck his little secret compartment

and fuck his little green Nemesis!

His shit is not our shit. I'm fucking done!

Give it a rest, dude!

Just 'cause you're in the penalty box, doesn't make us your plan b.

You wanna be the chief's badass crime-fighting doom patrol so badly!

But that's just not who we are.

When are you gonna get that through your thick metal skull?

Man, screw all y'all.

I knew it. I knew it!

The second I laid eyes on that bunch, I knew something was amiss!

This is it, my lord.

Our time has finally come.

My lord? What are you doing?

We're done, Samuelson.

It's over.

Over?

You said you heard them talk of caulder and his doom patrol.

You saw her, she's finally here.

This is it!

Niles is dead. And that poor woman's a wreck.

She's not gonna be harmin' anyone.

Just leave her alone.

"Leave her alone."

Leave her alone?

More than 70 years we've waited.

Day after day after day,

and now the moment we've been waiting for finally arrives, and...

And you wish to do nothing?

They're nice people.

And clearly no more beholden to niles than we are to the brain.

- We are beholden to the brain. - No.

That thing has never given us a signal.

And it never will.

Maybe that was our mission once, but...

Missions are supposed to serve a greater cause.

That cause has long passed.

I can't believe what I'm hearing.

The brain's cause is still our cause.

We cannot give up on the mission.

We're not giving up on the mission.

The mission gave up on us.

Thank you for your service, old friend.

But it's time to move on.

My lord, you're not thinking clearly.

My mind hasn't been this clear in a long time.

Start packing your things.

We leave tonight.

This is a good thing, Samuelson.

We're finally free.

Fucking niles.

I'm fucking done with all this bullshit!

I have my own shit to deal with.

And I don't avoid it. I deal with it.

Fuck!

Thought I saw you

Payphone on rucker

Michelle I still want to give in

I'd understand if you did

how long must we live right

before we don't even have to try?

I fuckin' deal with it!

Drawing of three flowers

I still keep it with me

does she still want to sing?

I hear the sounds...

Fuck! Fuck!

Fuck, fuck, fuck. Fuck! Fuck!

I don't blame you for wanting out

I'm kind of close myself

no love, no amount

never enough to go around

I thought we were done with all this.

The bandages, the special suits.

This was supposed to be a fresh start.

We were supposed to be one.

I thought we were in this together.

Can you imagine when this race is won

turn our golden faces into the sun

praising our leaders we 're getting in tune

the music's played by the mad man

forever young I want to be forever young

do you really want to live forever?

Forever, and ever

forever young I want to be forever young

do you really want to live forever?

Forever young

some are like water some are like the heat

some are a melody and some are the beat

sooner or later they all will be gone

why don't they stay young?

It's so hard to get old without a cause

I don't want to perish like a fading horse

youth's like diamonds in the sun

and diamonds are forever

so many adventures couldn't happen today

so many songs we forgot to play

so many dreams swinging out of the blue

we let them come true

forever young I want to be forever young

do you really want to live forever?

Forever, and ever

forever young I want to be forever young

do you really want to live forever?

Forever, and ever

forever young I want to be forever young

do you really want to live forever?

Forever young

Run.

Fuck!

I'm sorry.