All language subtitles for Night.Court.S01E01.WEBRip.x264-ION10

♪♪

-Wow, that was a tricky clasp.
-Thanks for the help.

People are usually scared of me,
for some reason.

-Why, 'cause you have
a few tattoos?

What's so scary
about a flaming skull?

-That's my Nana.

-Aw.
I love her cheekbones.

-I hope you're not in a rush
to get to court.

This could take awhile --
Arlo has more jewelry

than a pawn shop
after Valentine's Day.

-It's okay if I'm a little late.

They can't start without me.
I'm the judge.

-Oh, you're the new
night court judge.

Well, let me be the first
to introduce you to me.

I'm your bailiff,
Donna Gurganous.

Everyone calls me Gurgs.
-Oh, so nice to meet you, Gurgs.

I'm Abby Stone.
I just moved here from upstate.

-Judge Stone.
That sounds familiar.

-Maybe you heard of my dad,
Harry Stone?

He worked here back in the '90s.

Yeah, I guess anyone who worked
with my dad

moved on a long time ago.

-Oak milk latte for Tad.

Non-drink for a non-name.

-Dan Fielding?
Is that you?

-If I have to be, yeah. Yes.
A hot tea for Mary.

Oh, you know what?
You could make that at home.

I'll get you the recipe.

-You know, the last time
I saw you,

I had a client in night court.

-Yeah, I left that place
years ago, have not looked back.

-I've looked forward to this
for so long.

I can't believe
I get to work here.

My dad used to tell the most
wonderful stories

over the years about --
-The people.

To call the criminals
that came through

that court the bottom
of the barrel

is an insult
to the bottom of the barrel.

More like the stuff that grows
underneath the barrel.

They all deserve --
-A judge who sees them

for more than their crime.

That's what my dad did,
and that's what I want to do.

I believe anyone is capable
of turning things --

-Around. Turn the top around,

and the milk will come out.

Skinny latte for Barry.

-That's mine.
-Oh, wait.

Are you Barry Grenache?
-Yeah.

-Oh, I got something else
for you.

Consider yourself served.

I've been working here
three weeks.

Where the hell you been?

Hey, Louis,
thanks for the assist.

Oh, by the way, I'm keeping
the hat and this,

because you made me
clean the bathroom.

-Wait, so this is all an act?

The whole barista thing?
That fake beard?

-Barista, yeah.
But this is my real face, ass--

-Holy moly,
I can't wait to get started.

Oh, no.
Arlo forgot his nose ring.

-That wasn't in his nose.

-Dad never mentioned
that in his stories.

-Welcome to night court.

♪♪

♪♪

All rise.
Manhattan Criminal Court

Part Two is now in session.

The Honorable Apny Strone
presiding.

-Uh, it's Abby Stone,
but that's okay.

-This is what happens
when I overprepare.

Let me take another crack at it.

The Stormatable Abner Splumf.

The Abomomitable Snowmay --
-Close enough.

This is night court
and we're running out of night.

-Oh, thanks.
Neil, right?

I like the way you clerk it.

Alright, let's do this.
-Olivia Moore, your honor,

representing
the City of New York.

Look at us. Excuse me while I
brush a few pieces of

the glass ceiling off
my shoulder.

-Nice to meet you, counselor.

And I assume that you are
our public defender?

-Paul Grossman -- and as someone
who's fallen through an actual

glass ceiling, I find your
comments in poor taste.

-First up, we have the People
vs Esmerelda the Magnificent.

-AKA Jane Horowitz,
the repeat fraud offender.

Ms. Horowitz is charged
with criminal impersonation

for misrepresenting her ability
to make

100% accurate predictions.
-Where's the proof?

-The State would like to submit
into evidence this sign,

which says the thing
I just said.

-Oof.
I didn't know she'd have a sign.

The defense rests.
-Hang on, hang on.

I'd love to just dig
in a bit and hear

Ms. Horowitz's side of things.

-Oh, no.
We don't dig here.

I make my case,
you're awed by my charm.

Bangy-bangy, we move on.

This is clearly fraud.

-Well, it's only fraud
if she's not psychic.

-Hold on. You -- You want her
to prove she's psychic?

-Yeah, I don't know
if we have time --

-Oh, you know what they say.

There's always time
for CPLR 4011,

which allows judges
broad discretion

to regulate the conduct
of the trial

in a setting of
proper decorum.

Also, they gave me
this fancy wooden hammer,

so I kind of get to do
what I want.

Alright, Ms. the Magnificent,
let's see what you got.

-You think you're better
than this place --

-Oh, hang on, I'm gonna need to
hear the voice.

-[Romani accent] You think
you're better than this place

and are desperate
to work at a big firm.

-Well, that's obvious, I'm not
just gonna rot here like Paul.

-I'd love to disagree,
but this isn't

how a 30 year old man
should look.

-You took this job
to minimize expectations,

and you're in a hurry to leave,
but have no place to go.

-Okay, she might be magic.

-What number am I thinking of?
-All of them.

-Get out of my head!

-Okay, now me.

-I'm sensing you are
career-driven.

-'Cause I'm young for a judge?

-I am seeing you are new
to this place.

-'Cause I was unsure
of my clerk's name?

-But as successful as you are,

you are unlucky in love.

-'Cause I'm not wearing a ring?

Which I took off to set you up.

I'm very happily engaged.

My fiancé is upstate
and moving down soon.

-Oh, you're going to fry.

-Not quite.
50 hours of community service.

Paul? You didn't put up
much of a fight.

I expected more.

But -- ah, I see you
trying harder,

'cause I'm gonna
keep pushing you,

'cause I believe in you.

-That's all I needed to hear.

I quit.
-Quit?

-Yeah. I didn't take this job to
work hard

or have some kid tell me
she believes in me.

-Paul.
Paul, come back.

I don't believe in you
that much!

-Oh, don't worry, Judge, he does
this sort of thing

all the time.
-Really?

-Nah, I was
just trying to cheer you up.

I think you broke him.

Look what I found in storage.

I think it's some of your
daddy's old stuff.

-Oh, my gosh. Really?

Oh.

I can't believe it's you!

Welcome home, Clarence.

-Well, I'm off to investigate
a report of vandalism.

Apparently, the culprit
rearranged letters

on the directory board
to spell joke names.

-I saw that.
"Hugh Janus" was my favorite.

Get it?
Hugh Janus?

-So an attack on this court
is funny.

-They just moved
some letters around.

-Moving letters is a huge deal.

Ask Vanna White.

-Legal Aid said they'll send
another public defender

as soon as they can.

-What if we get another Paul?

-We'd be lucky to get
another Paul.

He had a way of not caring

that would make the night
just fly by.

-We can do better than that.

We need someone who cares
as much about people as I do.

I think I might know
just the guy.

[ Knocking at door ]

-You better not have forgotten
the coleslaw this time!

I have all the Girl Scout
cookies I need.

Thanks.

-Maybe that wasn't
Dan Fielding.

-No, it was.

-Mr. Fielding, I'm not
a Girl Scout, but if I was,

that door slam might have
really hurt my feelings.

Though I guess I'd have
the support

of a nurturing community

who would help rebuild
my self confidence

and set me on an empowered
path of discovery and self --

-Who are you,
and why are you still talking?

-My name is Abby Stone.
You used to work with my dad.

-You're Harry's daughter?

Come in.

-Hope you don't mind me
dropping by.

I found your address in a box
of my dad's stuff.

-Yeah, no.
Uh, no.

It's, uh, fine.
It's just --

Sorry, it's been,
well, quite awhile

since I did any entertaining.

Oh, duck sauce?

-For later.

-I was sorry to hear
about your father.

We had lost touch over the
years, but he was a great guy.

-I know he felt the same way
about you.

-Mm.

-I almost didn't recognize you
with the beard.

In pictures, you always
looked so put together.

Not that the beard
isn't a good look.

It's -- It's a great way
to cover up a weird neck.

Not that your neck is weird.
It's -- Wow, look at that view!

-That is what sold Sarah
on the place.

-Is Sarah your wife?

-She was.

So, what brings you to town?

-I moved here for a job.

I am the new night court judge.
-[ Yelps ]

-Anyway,
our public defender quit,

and I was wondering
if you might be interested.

-In being a public defender?

I'm afraid you've confused me
with someone else,

someone who likes people.

-Huh. Then I guess this doesn't
mean anything to you?

-Pull the rest of the table
out of there,

I'll be very impressed.

-It's a souvenir from the night
that my dad almost quit

being a judge;
you found him in a pool hall

and helped him go back
to the thing that he loved.

You said you admired him.

-Doesn't ring a bell.

-You also called him
"a pathetic,

whiny, wheezy jackass twig."

-Oh, that I remember.

That was a very long time ago.

You know, my practicing days
are behind me.

Nowadays, I'm in more
of a supportive role.

-Teaching?
-I'm a process server.

The look on someone's face
when you tell them

they've been served at
their kid's flag football game,

priceless.

-Hmm.

The guy with all those
thank you cards

must like people
a little bit.

-Occasionally with the subpoena,
I'll throw in

a little free legal advice,
just so that the poor bastards

don't do something
utterly stupid.

And they'll thank me
with a card,

or 26 pounds
of black market ribeyes.

Here.

One for the road?
Don't ask where they came from.

These cows have seen stuff.

-Come to the courthouse tonight.

I could really use
some pointers.

I've been a judge upstate,
but night court is --

-A non-stop freak show.
A fetid swamp.

Am I close?
Come on, you know I'm close.

-It's different.

Please? You're the only person
I know

who gets how that world works,

or at least the only
person who's still around.

-Yeah, okay.

I'll stop by.

So now, as I said,
it's been quite awhile

since I entertained.

How do you get someone to leave?

-Tell me a story, board.

Who hurt you?

Oh, I can't believe this is
happening on my watch.

-Is there a world in which
you're taking this

a little too seriously?
-Oh, Neil.

Innocent, naive, simple,

narrow-hipped Neil.

I wish I could tell you
the world was all

sunshine and flapjacks, but this
is no isolated incident.

Or have you forgotten
the events of last Thursday,

when our courtroom's
light bulbs were swapped out

for fingerling potatoes?

-It's just a dumb joke, it's not
like anybody's gonna believe

Gary Buttmouth
is a real person?

-I'm looking for Gary Buttmouth?

-You think there's a
Gary Buttmouth working here

and his office is --

1814.

He's coming for me.

That's my office.

-So, I'm going to ask you
one more time.

Who threw the first punch?

-[Both] He did.
I did? You did!

-Cut it out!
Cut it out!

-Maybe we should just let them
kill each other.

It's basically Thunderdome
around here

without a public
defender.

-Let's take five.
-You don't want to just rule

real quick?
Or take five. Maybe 10.

-Hey, Sally.
Yes, it's me.

Let's not make a big deal
about it, okay?

-So is it weird being back?

Like going to your old
high school?

-No, more like a trip
to the dentist.

Slightly unpleasant, and there's

a decent chance a total stranger

will try to stick
their hand in your mouth.

-So, you want to check out
my dad's old chambers?

I bet that box of stuff we found
will bring back memories

of your glory days.
-No, thank you.

I prefer leaving the past
in the past.

If these walls could talk,
they'd say, "Kill me."

-Oh, Olivia Moore,
this is Dan Fielding.

He used to be the Assistant
District Attorney of this court.

-Oh, wow, a former night court
Assistant District Attorney.

Of all the days to leave
my selfie stick at home.

-Well, you could always tape
your phone

to that stick up your --
-Oh.

I am liking this back and forth.

Maybe it's just me,
but I would love to see you two

squaring off every night.
-Mm-hmm.

Judge, may I have a word?

-I'm gonna go get some coffee.

Alone.

-I don't want to question your
usually impeccable judgment,

but if you think
Truck Stop Santa's

gonna be our new public
defender, you're delusional.

-I think he'd be perfect.

-Self-centered narcissists
aren't public defenders.

We're prosecutors.

-Okay, yes, he shot me down
once, but I think with

a little push, I can get him
to a solid maybe.

Okay, open your eyes.

-I never closed them.

Wait a minute.
I know these people.

These are all people
I've served.

Oh, wait, wait, am I dying and
only the most irrelevant parts

of my life
are flashing before my eyes?

-These aren't just people
you served.

These are lives you've changed.

-Look, I appreciate you trying
to give me

a billiard ball moment,

but I like my life
the way it is, thank you.

-You say you're happy all alone,
ordering takeout

and stockpiling freezer meat,

but I think
you could thrive here.

Don't you want that
for yourself?

-Why are we talking about me?
You're the one that needs help.

-Oh, I just said that to get you
to come here.

-You sure about that, because
last time I checked your

public defender quit, you're
driving your clerk insane,

and is that ketchup
on your robe?

-I'll have you know
that might be twin blood.

Look, I'm just trying to do
the right thing,

and if people aren't on
board for that, that's on them.

-Your problem is that you think
being right matters.

Yeah, good judges
decide what's right.

Great judges convincepeople.

That's what made your father
so special.

When he wasn't zapping people
with joy buzzers

or stuffing springy
snakes into everything.

Because of that man,
it was a decade

before I could eat
a canned nut.

-So now you want to talk
about the past?

-If you don't like what I have
to say,

next time you find
an address in a box,

why don't you
just leave it there?

-Sure, because keeping things
boxed up

seems to be your thing --
your past, your feelings,

you've put your whole life
in a box

and won't let anyone in.
-Wait, hold on a second.

Am I in the box or am
I putting things in the box?

-I kind of lost the thread.
-Yeah.

-The point is,

you're afraid
to open that box.

-You know what?
It was lovely meeting you,

and good luck with
the saving the world thing.

I am sure that it's gonna
happen any day now.

-I'm gonna pretend
you're being sincere,

and there's nothing
you can do about it!

-I tried everything!
Following the money,

police psychic,
unlikely partner to a dog,

going undercover as a teen.

-How many of those
did you actually do?

-You're missing the point --
all this work,

and I came up
with jack diddly squat,

which incidentally,
is a name on the board.

This guy is
a criminal master mind, like --

like a Hannibal.

Or it's "Fight Club."

Maybe I really am
Gary Buttmouth.

No, no, no, no.

I gotta hurry up and stop me
before I do something

I can't even believe
I'm capable of.

-Are you gonna tell her
it was you?

-My job isn't exactly
fulfilling,

so I've got to find ways to keep
my brain from eating itself.

You're not gonna rat me out,
are you?

-No.

You've got to cool it, though.

I've already lost
a public defender.

If I lose a bailiff,
you might be next.

-Knowing my luck, I might
just end up in a later court.

-So if court clerk isn't
your dream job, what is?

-Oh, no.
No, no, no.

You're not doing
that thing to me.

-What thing?
-That thing where you

ask questions and dig deeper

and turn a simple
jaywalking charge

into a full-on therapy session.

I mean, I'm glad Ellie made
a major breakthrough.

She can't be the son her
father always wanted her to be,

and that's his issue,
not hers.

And why do I know any of this?

-Yeah, I guess I'm always
looking for what's

going on underneath.

My dad used to do a lot
of magic tricks,

and whenever I asked him
how they were done,

he would say, "It's magic."

Drove me crazy.

He thought if I knew
how they worked,

I wouldn't like them as much,
but to me,

the truth was the magic.

I feel that way about people.

It's hard not to like them
once you know

what's going on underneath.

I see how that makes me a pain
in the butt as a judge

and as a fan of magic.

And as an Uber passenger.

-I guess I could take a closer
look at the docket,

find a little more time
for digging in.

-Neil, that would be amazing!

-But just a little more, like,
five minutes here and there.

-I'm hearing 10!
-You're hearing five!

-Nine?
-You're gonna do
whatever you want anyway.

-You get me, Neil!

-Afraid to open a box.

Huh.

Well, this place hasn't changed,

right down to the guy fishing
dead birds out of the ceiling.

Hey, you know what?

I wanted to ask you something.

Say a lifetime ago,
you worked with a guy, right?

Had your ups and downs, but on
the whole, like each other --

respected, even.

The job ends.
You go your separate ways.

Life happens.
You live and you love.

And you lose, big time,

so you close off your heart.

Then one day, the child of that
almost forgotten guy

comes to you
and asks for your help.

Would you take the chance?

Would you...
open that heart up again,

let feelings in,
knowing that undoubtedly,

it would hurt again
at some point?

-There is a saying
in my country.

"When man is holding dead bird,

tell shorter story."

-And that is why I don't
open up to people.

But I am not afraid
to open a box.

Oh! Harry!

Okay.

I'll think about it.

-To save time, can we just do
all the public urinations

at once?

-Sure.

Guilty. Guilty.

Impressive, but guilty.

Come on, man.

-Oh, to try a case that doesn't
involve genitals.

That'd be the dream.

-Your Honor, Dan Fielding
for the defense.

-Wait, you --
you actually got him?

-Maybe there's a chance I'm not
being catfished after all.

-We've never met,
but you...

definitely are.

-Get that perfectly normal neck
over here.

-Alright, look, I just want
to say this one thing.

I'm only here to help out
temporarily, a few days.

-I'm hearing weeks.
-If you keep smiling like that,

I'm out of here right now,
so just knock it off.

That's better.
-Better, Your Honor.

-I'm already regretting this.

-I'd like to know
how you did this.

-Maybe it's just magic.
-You have no idea, do you?

-No freaking clue.

-Well, whatever you did,
you pulled it out.

-Speaking of pulling it out --

Sorry, too easy.

Mr. Gates was brought in
for lewd conduct.

Obviously, this man
is a depraved menace

and has no place
in decent society.

-Oh, Mr. Fielding, I'd just like
to remind you,

you're the defense.

-Your Honor,

my client --
dare I say my friend --

is an outstanding pillar
of his community

and we are wasting
the court's time

with this gross miscarriage
of justice.

If you'll indulge me,

I'd just like to know
what's underneath all this.

-You're the judge.
-No! Oh! Just...

And I left my house for this.

-It's funny!

♪♪