Original subtitles

These are the packages that you will have to check as luggage.

Great.

And these two, you have to hand carry onto the plane.

Um... Excuse me. What about all of our luggage?

You sold your luggage space. That's why these flights are so cheap.

Right. So, what are we supposed to do with all of our stuff?

Hi.

- Ahem. A little help. - Sure.

- There it is. - Okay.

Jesus.

Hi. Excuse me.

Excuse me. Thanks.

There it is.

- You good? - Yeah, in a second.

Yeah!

Yeah!

My baby takes the morning train

He works from 9 till 5 and then

He takes another home again

To find me waiting for him

He takes me to a movie

Or to a restaurant To go slow dancing

Anything I want

Only when he's with me

I catch a light

Only when he gives me

Makes me feel ail right

My baby takes the morning train

He works from 9 till 5 and then

He takes another home again

To find me waiting for him

A toast.

- A toast. - Yes. Oop.

To Mieke.

To Europe.

- To Cooper. - To Cooper.

Thank you.

And so when you are quite through using the dining table as a litter box...

...voila, I'addition, the bill.

Whoa.

You guys, this is like...

...a thousand dollars.

Excuse me, what is this hundred euros?

Bread charge.

- But you put it on the table. - And you ate it. Heh.

What about this? Coat check. We didn't check any coats.

Perhaps you should have. I overcharged you for it.

Uh, the bill's fine, but, uh, I think we will have one more bottle of wine.

If you would, senor.

Excellent.

What are you doing? We can't afford that.

That frog wanker's trying to Friar Tuck us in the tradesman's entrance.

- What? - He's a dick. Let's ditch.

Wait, ditch? What does that mean? Wait, where you guys going?

- Come on. - Jenny?

Instead of your wine, I have brought you this bottle of vinegar, knowing...

- Jenny. - Wait up.

Ah! It has happened again.

Another American running out on the bill.

I have endured these slaps on the faces...

...for too many years.

American soccer team, the bill.

Monsieur Morrison. Jim, the bill.

Monsieur General Patton. The bill! The bill!

Why? Why does this keep happening to me?

Perhaps it is my fault.

Perhaps I, how you say, bring it upon myself.

Excuse me. Do y'all have a table for two?

But of course.

Will you be requiring the silverware...

...or should I simply strap on the feed bag...

...like you are used to in America?

Cooper.

What?

Fine.

I'm just trying to make a memory.

Oh, God.

I'm so hot I'm sweating like a pig.

God, that feels good.

You know, after a run like that, you could use a rubdown.

Oh, yeah. Why don't you give me a tongue bath while you're at it?

Works for me.

Now, let's get you to the next compartment and out of those wet clothes.

Cooper, quit hitting on my sister.

Jamie, relax. We're just joking around. He's not hitting on me.

Yes, I am.

Are you serious?

You treat me like a linebacker for four years...

...and then you see me in a bathing suit and you wanna fool around?

It was a bikini.

Oh, my God. You got dumber.

Oh, come on. I thought you wanted to be like Nicky Jager's slutty sister...

...and hook up in Europe with some guy.

I was talking about "guy" guys.

Look, maybe it's silly...

...but I wanna meet a sophisticated European man.

Someone who'll treat me like a woman for a change.

Who'll take me out on his boat on the Aegean on a moonlit night...

...and tell me I'm beautiful in a foreign language.

You know, romance.

Oh. Okay, no, I hear you.

So seriously, do you wanna do it or what?

Ugh! No.

Wait, you've got a little something on you. It's like tree sap or something.

- Cooper. Cooper. - I wouldn't, hm?

Stay away from my sister.

Well, if I can't date your sister...

...how would you feel if I dated your camera?

Hey, that's a.. That's a Leica. Come.. Give that back.

Why does this keep on happening to me?

Jamie, you sure this place is decent?

Frommer says it's the best youth hostel in Amsterdam.

Hello, and welcome to Amsterdam's finest and most luxurious youth hostel.

- Sounds good. - Yes.

We feature one medium-sized room containing 70 beds...

...which can sleep up to 375 bodies a night.

There is no bathroom, nor is there one nearby.

If you do not wish to have your valuables stolen...

...I suggest destroying them or discarding them right now.

You can also try hiding your valuables in your anus.

This will deter some but, of course, not all thieves.

Once you're inside, the doors are chained and locked from the outside.

They will not be opened again until the morning.

No matter what.

Should a fire occur...

...due to our faulty wiring or, uh, the fireworks factory upstairs...

...you will be incinerated along with the valuables...

...that you have hidden in your anus.

Tips are greatly appreciated.

Ew, yuk!

Aah!

All our money, our passports, our tickets, everything, gone.

How the hell could this happen?

We all go to Amsterdam and Jamie's the one who hooks up.

For shame.

This is hopeless. No one's even slowing down!

How are we gonna get someone to take us to Berlin?

Boys, boys. Don't send a man to do a woman's job.

One ride, coming up.

Okay. Ready for a ride, boys?

And...

Okay, they are going pretty fast. It's good.

Just time to get serious.

- Here we go. - Hold him back.

Oh, come on. This is totally unfair.

You're just gonna show them to strangers?

Okay. Showtime.

Hey! Buddy! Take a look!

Jenny, this is Europe.

They have orange juice ads with lesbians and dildos.

You gotta show them something they haven't seen before.

Fine. You wanna get nuts? Let's get nuts.

Hey! Check these out! I'm 18 years old!

Come on! They're very nice!

Little bit of lookie right here!

What's wrong with you people?

I don't get it. These are quality boobs.

Hey, let it go. None of us could've done any better.

I should've taken off my pants.

Mmm!

Summer at Sea. There it is.

Oh, look. The Colosseum.

It is very important. I need to speak with Mieke Schmidt before she leaves.

Is there someone else I could talk to? Do you have a supervisor?

This will take a minute. Can you have a seat, please?

Okay.

Ah, Summer at Sea.

Bunch of young, hot-blooded Europeans packed into a tiny boat.

It's like a giant orgy, heh, heh.

Oh, sorry.

Wait a minute, you're the supervisor?

So you could tell me where Mieke Schmidt is right now?

Oh!

Mieke Schmidt.

No.

No.

No. Ah!

No.

Mieke Schmidt?

- Mieke Schmidt. - It is.

- Great. - Mieke Schmidt.

- Oh, Mieke Schmidt. - Oh, wait. No, come on. Stop.

- No. Come on. - Mieke Schmidt.

- No, no, no. Guys, a little help. - No, no, no. Guys.

- Guys, help, please. Mieke Schmidt. - Please. Please.

- Come on... - Please.

No. No.

I can't believe you hooked up again, Jamie.

You're on fire.

All right, Mieke's tour starts in the Vatican Museum.

Jamie, where the hell is that?

- Oh! Swearing? Vatican. - Shit. I forgot.

- I did it again, fuck. - Oh!

- Fudge, all right? I fu... Fudge. I mean. - Better.

See, I don't think, technically, this was a sin.

I mean, there's nothing about it in the Bible.

- It's assumed. - What...

We gotta open the window.

- Oh, Scott. - Oh, Mieke.

- Mieke, let's make love for one whole month. - What?

Nothing.

Oh, Mike... Mieke.

Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.

I have cheated on my husband with our next-door neighbor.

Do you think God will ever forgive me?

Oh, yes.

Father?

Grab her buttocks with your two manly hands.

Yes. You take her hair...

...and one strand at a time, pull it out.

Use her like a humping post.

Giuseppe, come to Mama. Oh!

Oh, no.

Hold on.

Cooper, not again.

Bad Cooper! Bad!

You're freaking me out.

- The time for that has passed. - Take it easy, man. I'm not really a robot, okay?

- I'm a grad student. - You made your choice.

- I just do this for pizza money, dude. - Hey! No. Cooper.

Hold on. This could be my new roommate.

I love you, Mieke.

I love you.

We are perfect for each other. What do you think?

I think...

I think maybe you have made a big mistake.

- That girl has just pranged him. - Right in the clunge.

...I don't understand.

What did you think was going to happen?

I don't know. We just...

We got along so well, you know?

- All the e-mails, you said I might be the one. - Scott.

Scott, I, I do like you.

But there's so much we still don't know about each other.

You're right.

Guess this whole thing was a pretty stupid idea, huh?

Stupid...

...but very sweet.

Unless you're a devout Catholic...

...in which case, it was an unholy crime against God.

Yeah, I'm gonna stick with sweet.

It's got a little bit of a better ring to it.

You know, Scott Thomas...

...you surprise me.

You never seemed like the kind of person...

...who would travel halfway around the world just to meet me.

Well, what can I say? I'm very unpredictable.

Well...

...it would've been fun to come to America and spend some time with you...

...but I have to go.

Here's my new e-mail address on the boat.

Keep writing to me, Scott, okay?

Yeah, maybe I will.

Hey, I definitely will!

I may just write you a letter tonight!