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1
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WWW.MY-SUBS.CO
1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,840
Hello, and may I say,
you are looking lovely this evening.
2
00:00:04,840 --> 00:00:06,480
Oh, thank you very much.
3
00:00:06,480 --> 00:00:10,400
That was me assuming
the compliment was returned. No?
4
00:00:10,400 --> 00:00:11,720
Rude.
5
00:00:12,200 --> 00:00:15,800
So, previously in my life,
my mum drags me to her friend's...
6
00:00:15,800 --> 00:00:19,400
posh name alert -
Clemency Twisleton-Ott -
7
00:00:19,400 --> 00:00:21,800
her party. Could have gone better.
8
00:00:23,320 --> 00:00:28,440
I thought this was fruit, but I think
this runch has got pum in it.
9
00:00:28,440 --> 00:00:32,200
Darling, if you embarrass me...
10
00:00:33,800 --> 00:00:36,240
Look at my canape accessories!
11
00:00:40,280 --> 00:00:42,040
Formal occasions...urgh.
12
00:00:42,040 --> 00:00:47,560
I hate it when you're introduced to
someone and there's that awkward
pause before conversation starts.
13
00:00:47,560 --> 00:00:48,880
I never know what to say.
14
00:00:48,880 --> 00:00:51,840
It's fine if you're introduced to
people with lots to talk about...
15
00:00:51,840 --> 00:00:56,640
This is Jane, she's head of
the church roof campaign
16
00:00:56,640 --> 00:01:00,480
AND lectures on Matisse
in her spare time.
17
00:01:02,240 --> 00:01:03,880
And this is Miranda...
18
00:01:05,920 --> 00:01:08,880
This is Miranda.
19
00:01:08,880 --> 00:01:12,200
I've got a pimple on my bottom
that looks like a spaniel.
20
00:01:12,200 --> 00:01:14,160
Do you want to see it?
21
00:01:14,160 --> 00:01:17,400
You'd expect that to have been
the worst social occasion of my week.
22
00:01:17,400 --> 00:01:23,040
It wasn't. Chris and Alison,
Gary's friends from the restaurant,
invited me to their baby shower.
23
00:01:23,040 --> 00:01:24,840
Even the notion!
24
00:01:24,840 --> 00:01:29,240
Booties, little booties! Aaah!
25
00:01:29,240 --> 00:01:33,600
To go with the vesties -
little vesties!
26
00:01:33,600 --> 00:01:36,800
Wine-y, little wine-y!
27
00:01:36,800 --> 00:01:39,440
Is no-one else drinking?
28
00:01:39,440 --> 00:01:42,240
You really shouldn't
if you're expecting.
29
00:01:42,240 --> 00:01:44,640
I've got one thing to say to you.
30
00:01:44,640 --> 00:01:46,960
SHE BURPS
31
00:01:47,920 --> 00:01:50,600
Right, onwards with the show,
my chums.
32
00:02:00,920 --> 00:02:06,160
So, in conclusion, you have got to
make your ones and sevens clearer.
33
00:02:06,160 --> 00:02:08,040
Yes? One,
34
00:02:08,040 --> 00:02:10,040
seven.
35
00:02:10,040 --> 00:02:12,760
"Oh, sorry, what's that
you're saying, Heather?"
36
00:02:12,760 --> 00:02:14,080
"Miranda..."
37
00:02:14,080 --> 00:02:17,760
SHE SINGS
# What have you done
today to make you feel proud?
38
00:02:17,760 --> 00:02:22,000
"Oh, she's done nothing but ruin
our tax return with absolutely..."
39
00:02:22,000 --> 00:02:25,840
OK, I get it. Shush, please!
Heather's still speaking.
40
00:02:27,440 --> 00:02:33,720
"The only numbers Miranda's any good
at are After Eights and 99s."
41
00:02:35,960 --> 00:02:38,600
"You are funny, Heather."
42
00:02:38,600 --> 00:02:40,880
You're both ridiculous.
43
00:02:40,880 --> 00:02:43,560
Right, has my new phone charged?
44
00:02:43,560 --> 00:02:45,160
Oh, it's flashing.
45
00:02:45,160 --> 00:02:47,320
Does that mean messages?
46
00:02:47,320 --> 00:02:49,560
Oh, I've got two new messages.
47
00:02:49,560 --> 00:02:53,320
You never get any messages. I know.
But I'm currently with message.
48
00:02:53,320 --> 00:02:55,440
VOICEMAIL: 'It's all very sudden.
49
00:02:55,440 --> 00:02:57,840
'So sorry to leave such sad news.
50
00:02:57,840 --> 00:02:59,760
'The service is on the 5th at noon.
51
00:02:59,760 --> 00:03:02,840
'Missenden Cemetery. Would mean
so much if you could come.
52
00:03:02,840 --> 00:03:04,160
'Take care, bye.'
53
00:03:04,160 --> 00:03:07,680
That's...today. I didn't hear
the beginning of the message.
54
00:03:07,680 --> 00:03:10,040
Is it hash to replay on these?
55
00:03:10,040 --> 00:03:12,000
'Message deleted.'
56
00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:14,640
Oh! No, no, who's died?
57
00:03:14,640 --> 00:03:16,320
'Next message.'
58
00:03:16,320 --> 00:03:18,560
'Hi, it's your mother.
59
00:03:18,560 --> 00:03:22,720
'The man in the chemist
won't report you but
recommends you see a gynae...'
60
00:03:28,200 --> 00:03:30,480
What a face. Who died?
61
00:03:30,480 --> 00:03:32,600
No... I don't know!
62
00:03:32,600 --> 00:03:35,920
Someone has died, but I didn't hear
the beginning of the message,
63
00:03:35,920 --> 00:03:40,480
I don't know who it was from,
and Mum's not picking up. Gary...
64
00:03:40,480 --> 00:03:41,600
maybe Gary's died.
65
00:03:41,600 --> 00:03:44,120
Hi! Argh!
66
00:03:44,120 --> 00:03:47,280
Is that you? Are you alive?
67
00:03:47,880 --> 00:03:49,880
Oh, he's alive!
68
00:03:49,880 --> 00:03:51,640
Oh, let me keep checking.
69
00:03:57,160 --> 00:03:59,120
He's alive.
70
00:03:59,120 --> 00:04:00,840
I made some muffins.
71
00:04:00,840 --> 00:04:04,560
What's going on? Someone's dead,
don't know who, funeral in two hours.
72
00:04:04,560 --> 00:04:07,520
I can't go, can I? Not when
I don't know who's in the box.
73
00:04:07,520 --> 00:04:10,880
It'll be like Deal Or No Deal,
but with people.
74
00:04:10,880 --> 00:04:14,360
You've got to go. Yeah,
you might want to pay respects to...
75
00:04:14,360 --> 00:04:17,400
whoever. No, you're right. OK,
I'd better get ready.
76
00:04:21,360 --> 00:04:24,200
It's the grief.
It's not grief, it's greed.
77
00:04:28,160 --> 00:04:30,240
A savoury muffin?
78
00:04:31,480 --> 00:04:33,760
LIFE is full of enough
disappointments, Gary.
79
00:04:35,320 --> 00:04:37,360
SAVOURY muffin?!
80
00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:42,120
I don't know you anymore.
81
00:04:49,360 --> 00:04:50,880
Mum? Mum?
82
00:04:51,920 --> 00:04:56,920
Thank goodness. I've been trying to
get hold of you. Why didn't you call?
I didn't want you here.
83
00:04:56,920 --> 00:04:59,200
I was going to tell
everyone you're in prison -
84
00:04:59,200 --> 00:05:02,000
less embarrassing than having to
admit you're still single.
85
00:05:03,400 --> 00:05:05,480
Miranda, hi!
Glad you got my message.
86
00:05:05,480 --> 00:05:07,240
Georgina, right...
87
00:05:07,240 --> 00:05:08,400
Come and sit with me.
88
00:05:08,400 --> 00:05:10,360
Right, can I just ask...hang on.
89
00:05:10,360 --> 00:05:11,720
Mum, Mum...
90
00:05:11,720 --> 00:05:13,800
SHE MOUTHS: Who's in the box?
91
00:05:13,800 --> 00:05:15,920
SHE MOUTHS: Who's in what box?
92
00:05:15,920 --> 00:05:19,160
Welcome to Missenden Chapel Of Rest.
93
00:05:19,160 --> 00:05:23,840
Death is a time for sorrow, but
it is also a time to give thanks.
94
00:05:23,840 --> 00:05:27,240
So we're going to hear a few words
95
00:05:27,240 --> 00:05:30,800
from some family members
Georgina has chosen.
96
00:05:32,640 --> 00:05:35,640
Beginning with Miranda.
97
00:05:35,640 --> 00:05:39,200
We thought it would be nice.
98
00:05:39,200 --> 00:05:42,880
Really? Does anyone else
want to go first?
99
00:05:42,880 --> 00:05:45,960
Miranda! Right, OK.
100
00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:48,200
Good.
101
00:05:51,200 --> 00:05:56,640
Well, what can I say
about this person?
102
00:05:56,640 --> 00:06:00,320
Well, they're dead, obviously.
103
00:06:00,320 --> 00:06:03,840
Otherwise they're in for
a nasty shock when they wake up.
104
00:06:06,840 --> 00:06:08,880
When I think of...
105
00:06:11,280 --> 00:06:13,240
I think...
106
00:06:13,240 --> 00:06:15,720
you!
107
00:06:15,720 --> 00:06:19,840
Because, they were...you know...
weren't they?
108
00:06:19,840 --> 00:06:24,360
He was. He! So he's male,
dead and my relative.
109
00:06:28,160 --> 00:06:30,000
Uncle Michael...
110
00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:33,320
..loved him.
111
00:06:34,480 --> 00:06:36,280
Cousin Stewart...
112
00:06:36,280 --> 00:06:37,760
is here.
113
00:06:37,760 --> 00:06:42,480
Hello! Hi to you. Great Uncle Jim...
114
00:06:43,320 --> 00:06:45,720
..is dead. Brilliant!
115
00:06:46,720 --> 00:06:50,240
No, HE was brilliant.
116
00:06:50,240 --> 00:06:56,960
And I'm sure he's thankful you're
all here in this sad, sad situation.
117
00:06:56,960 --> 00:06:59,920
Don't sing. # Sad, sad situation,
118
00:06:59,920 --> 00:07:04,880
♪ And it's getting
More and more absurd
119
00:07:04,880 --> 00:07:07,400
♪ It's sad, so sad,
120
00:07:07,400 --> 00:07:10,640
♪ Why can't we talk it over?
121
00:07:10,640 --> 00:07:13,920
Well, that would be tricky...
122
00:07:13,920 --> 00:07:16,680
cos he's dead and in a box.
123
00:07:16,680 --> 00:07:18,240
Sorry. No. Hit it.
124
00:07:18,240 --> 00:07:24,000
ORGAN STARTS UP
# What do I do to make you love me?
125
00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:25,600
Quick!
126
00:07:25,600 --> 00:07:29,520
I really wanted to introduce you
to that vicar - so dishy.
127
00:07:29,520 --> 00:07:32,360
Please, I want to leave with
a shred of dignity intact.
128
00:07:32,360 --> 00:07:36,040
Oh, it was mortifying. I wish the
ground could have swallowed me up.
129
00:07:46,160 --> 00:07:48,520
Better? Yeah, thank you.
130
00:07:48,520 --> 00:07:50,640
What happened? I fell in a grave.
131
00:07:50,640 --> 00:07:53,080
HE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY
132
00:07:55,160 --> 00:07:57,640
Gary, stop it! Sorry!
133
00:07:57,640 --> 00:08:01,720
Seriously, it really freaked me out.
If I die tomorrow,
what have I achieved?
134
00:08:01,720 --> 00:08:04,640
Excuse me, can I put these
sponsorship forms on the bar?
135
00:08:04,640 --> 00:08:07,360
I've been asking all the shops in
the street. Sure, what's it for?
136
00:08:07,360 --> 00:08:10,160
I'm doing a parachute jump
for charity.
137
00:08:10,160 --> 00:08:12,560
"I'm doing a parachute jump
for charity."
138
00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:14,280
Show off.
139
00:08:14,280 --> 00:08:15,880
Get out!
140
00:08:15,880 --> 00:08:18,240
Excuse me!
Well, he's making me feel guilty.
141
00:08:18,240 --> 00:08:20,680
You see, people DO things
with their lives.
142
00:08:20,680 --> 00:08:22,560
I mean, what will
people say at my funeral?
143
00:08:22,560 --> 00:08:24,640
Seriously, would I
have a good eulogy?
144
00:08:24,640 --> 00:08:26,480
Of course you would.
145
00:08:26,480 --> 00:08:28,000
Oh, OK...
146
00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:30,680
"Here lies Miranda.
She was warm..."
147
00:08:30,680 --> 00:08:32,320
"Very warm.
148
00:08:32,320 --> 00:08:35,800
"Because she...
149
00:08:35,800 --> 00:08:38,160
"carried that extra
little bit of weight."
150
00:08:40,760 --> 00:08:43,680
"She was a sweaty woman, but nice!"
151
00:08:45,200 --> 00:08:47,920
"Sweaty but nice..."
152
00:08:47,920 --> 00:08:49,800
is what you'd say at my funeral?
153
00:08:49,800 --> 00:08:52,240
Oh, no - Chris and Alison...
154
00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:54,280
They're sweet
and really like you, OK?
155
00:08:55,840 --> 00:08:58,240
Hello! Hello! Hello!
156
00:08:58,240 --> 00:09:00,640
Hello! Hello!
157
00:09:00,640 --> 00:09:03,080
BOTH: Hello!
158
00:09:03,080 --> 00:09:07,080
Did you want to...? Hang on, there's
someone you haven't said hello to.
159
00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:09,600
Say hello to baby.
160
00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:12,800
You want me to say hello
to the baby in your womb?
161
00:09:12,800 --> 00:09:14,320
BOTH: Press the intercom!
162
00:09:14,320 --> 00:09:17,120
Said it at the same time!
163
00:09:22,360 --> 00:09:23,800
Hello, baby.
164
00:09:23,800 --> 00:09:26,960
SHE PUTS ON BABY VOICE:
Hello, Auntie Miranda!
165
00:09:26,960 --> 00:09:29,360
How lovely to meet you!
Baby's speaking!
166
00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:32,040
It's not the baby though, is it?
167
00:09:32,040 --> 00:09:34,840
It's Alison!
168
00:09:34,840 --> 00:09:36,920
Now Gary, we want a word with you.
169
00:09:36,920 --> 00:09:39,120
We're too excited to
wait to ask people.
170
00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:42,160
Would you do us the honour
of being godfather to baby?
171
00:09:42,160 --> 00:09:43,960
Oh, wow! Guys, yes, of course.
172
00:09:43,960 --> 00:09:46,000
It would be a privilege.
Oh, thank you.
173
00:09:46,000 --> 00:09:49,240
And godmother, Miranda... Oh, yes...
174
00:09:49,240 --> 00:09:53,120
We want you to know you are
very much in the running.
175
00:09:54,240 --> 00:09:56,200
Oh, that's kind, isn't it?
176
00:09:56,200 --> 00:09:58,120
In the running!
177
00:09:59,840 --> 00:10:03,560
Well, we best be off.
Anti-natal classes.
178
00:10:03,560 --> 00:10:05,080
Two, three...
179
00:10:07,360 --> 00:10:09,000
Oh, hi, guys, what are you doing?
180
00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:13,200
Can't chat.
Tilly's helping me to organise
tomorrow's charity wine tasting
181
00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:16,920
for the new wing of
the local hospice. Must get on.
182
00:10:16,920 --> 00:10:19,200
Charity vino taste-icles.
183
00:10:19,200 --> 00:10:23,000
What? Mum, you could have
asked me to help. Why Tilly?
184
00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:27,200
Hello, Rudeulant! I am well known
for my good deeds.
185
00:10:27,200 --> 00:10:30,720
Sometimes people at work call me
Mrs Dalai the La-la-lama.
186
00:10:30,720 --> 00:10:34,840
Well, you know I also give myself
freely to others.
187
00:10:34,840 --> 00:10:37,360
Not sexually.
188
00:10:37,360 --> 00:10:40,640
I mean, you know, doing good
before I die, so yes, I'll help.
189
00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:43,520
Planning meeting. Such fun.
190
00:10:43,520 --> 00:10:45,920
First on the agenda
is the sommelier.
191
00:10:45,920 --> 00:10:47,640
He many not be able to come.
192
00:10:47,640 --> 00:10:51,200
Oh! Major Disaster
and his friend Colonel Cock-up.
193
00:10:51,200 --> 00:10:55,240
I'll call him later but he might be
stuck in what I call, Monte Carlo.
194
00:10:55,240 --> 00:10:57,480
I think we all call it Monte Carlo.
195
00:10:57,480 --> 00:11:02,280
Right, so Bunty has persuaded
Prue Leith to rustle up
some Amuse Bouches,
196
00:11:02,280 --> 00:11:05,000
so we just need to write a list of
the nibbles that we want.
197
00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:07,800
Nibbles, always hard
to manage I find.
198
00:11:29,880 --> 00:11:34,280
What about mini frittata? Oh, is she
coming? Be nice to see her again.
199
00:11:34,280 --> 00:11:36,560
No, mini frittata - it's a nibble.
200
00:11:36,560 --> 00:11:39,280
Oh, sorry, I thought you
meant a friend from school.
201
00:11:39,280 --> 00:11:42,200
Miranda, I think it's best
if you leave us to it.
202
00:11:42,200 --> 00:11:44,080
You're thinking of
Focaccia Pilkington.
203
00:11:44,080 --> 00:11:47,640
Yes, you see, it IS confusing.
Well, let me do something.
204
00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:52,040
Miranda, this is a social occasion.
205
00:11:52,040 --> 00:11:54,280
What's the first thing you
do in a formal situation?
206
00:11:54,280 --> 00:11:58,440
Easy. Find where the eats are coming
from, intercept them, stash them.
207
00:11:58,440 --> 00:12:01,680
You greet with a "such fun",
a statement and a laugh.
208
00:12:03,200 --> 00:12:08,920
Miranda, such fun! You'd never have
guessed her pashmina was from M&S.
209
00:12:08,920 --> 00:12:15,200
And the laugh this season is based
on the song Poker Face by Lady GaGa.
210
00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:19,440
♪ Can't read my
Can't read my poker face.... ♪
211
00:12:19,440 --> 00:12:22,360
SHE LAUGHS TO TUNE
212
00:12:25,400 --> 00:12:27,120
There was one thing you could do.
213
00:12:27,120 --> 00:12:29,440
"Queen Kong 'to do' list.
214
00:12:29,440 --> 00:12:33,720
"Don't get chucked out and ruin it."
215
00:12:33,720 --> 00:12:36,440
I haven't been chucked out
of anywhere for three years.
216
00:12:36,440 --> 00:12:39,040
Since last week!
Look, I won't ruin it.
217
00:12:39,040 --> 00:12:42,840
It's not like I go around
punching vicars. I tell you what,
218
00:12:42,840 --> 00:12:45,000
the hospice do visitor volunteering,
219
00:12:45,000 --> 00:12:47,800
I'm going to put my name down
right now for that.
220
00:12:47,800 --> 00:12:51,240
That is the kind of charity
people remember after you've gone.
221
00:12:51,240 --> 00:12:53,080
Who's the loser now?
222
00:12:55,840 --> 00:12:59,000
Clive, can you unhook my bag?
I'm trying to sweep out.
223
00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:00,520
Just give me the chair!
224
00:13:06,080 --> 00:13:10,320
"And he saw her walk away and knew
she was the woman for him."
225
00:13:10,320 --> 00:13:15,760
Aaah! Right, well I better
talk to someone else now, OK?
226
00:13:15,760 --> 00:13:17,640
Because she's farted.
227
00:13:21,760 --> 00:13:24,680
Hello! Would you like a visit?
228
00:13:24,680 --> 00:13:27,880
My name's Miranda. And...
229
00:13:27,880 --> 00:13:29,600
Oh, that's quite rude.
230
00:13:31,120 --> 00:13:32,640
He's not dead, is he?
231
00:13:32,640 --> 00:13:34,960
MAN SCREAMS
232
00:13:35,760 --> 00:13:39,040
ALL SCREAM
233
00:13:39,040 --> 00:13:42,080
Geriatric screaming dominoes!
234
00:13:42,080 --> 00:13:46,520
♪ There'll be blue birds over... ♪
235
00:13:46,520 --> 00:13:50,320
Make it stop! You're rude,
actually! OK, just relax.
236
00:13:50,320 --> 00:13:53,480
I can see something
that will cheer you right up!
237
00:13:54,720 --> 00:13:56,840
What's going on here?
238
00:14:00,320 --> 00:14:02,800
Right that's it. You - out.
Oh, what?
239
00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:06,520
Your fault. Kong Pants...
You're not getting chucked out?
240
00:14:06,520 --> 00:14:11,640
No, no. This is my boyfriend,
we're seeing each other.
241
00:14:11,640 --> 00:14:13,600
I think you should leave now.
242
00:14:13,600 --> 00:14:16,240
I think you should leave now, Tease.
243
00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:17,840
Aah!
244
00:14:17,840 --> 00:14:22,360
Security! Oh, role play, yeah,
kinky - that's what we're about.
245
00:14:22,360 --> 00:14:24,400
I'll play fugitive.
246
00:14:24,400 --> 00:14:26,520
Chase me!
247
00:14:27,440 --> 00:14:29,920
No, not really!
248
00:14:31,720 --> 00:14:34,320
Hello Florence Nightingale,
how did it go?
249
00:14:34,320 --> 00:14:37,640
Good, yeah... I think...
You got chucked out, didn't you?
250
00:14:37,640 --> 00:14:38,840
I got chucked out.
251
00:14:39,440 --> 00:14:41,880
Meals on Wheels.
252
00:14:41,880 --> 00:14:45,840
Could you pass that on to Miranda
for me, please? I'm double parked.
253
00:14:45,840 --> 00:14:49,240
There's also some brochures for
her to look at. See you tomorrow.
254
00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:55,520
These are for care homes?
255
00:14:55,520 --> 00:14:59,280
And you've got a bus pass...
256
00:14:59,280 --> 00:15:01,120
Oh, I see.
257
00:15:01,120 --> 00:15:04,200
Born in 1914. But I was born in 1974.
258
00:15:04,200 --> 00:15:07,880
See? I said your ones and sevens
were incomprehensible.
259
00:15:07,880 --> 00:15:10,000
They couldn't read
your council tax form.
260
00:15:10,000 --> 00:15:12,760
The council think I'm 96!
261
00:15:12,760 --> 00:15:18,440
Ooh Heather, what a marvellous
"I told you so" gift.
262
00:15:18,440 --> 00:15:20,000
You'll have to ring the council.
263
00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:23,640
Well, not before I've enjoyed
my meal on a wheel.
264
00:15:23,640 --> 00:15:28,960
Whenever I think of meals on wheels,
I always think of little Yorkshire
puddings on roller skates.
265
00:15:28,960 --> 00:15:32,480
But you're weird. You're weird.
You're weird.
266
00:15:32,480 --> 00:15:34,480
SHE SINGS
♪ What have I done today? ♪
267
00:15:34,480 --> 00:15:36,080
You're weird.
268
00:15:38,080 --> 00:15:39,920
You're weird.
269
00:15:39,920 --> 00:15:42,400
You're weird. You're weird.
270
00:15:42,400 --> 00:15:45,760
You're weird. YOU'RE WEIRD!
271
00:15:45,760 --> 00:15:49,000
You're weird. I won.
272
00:15:51,680 --> 00:15:54,160
Are you OK? Yeah fine, yeah.
273
00:15:54,160 --> 00:15:57,240
Well, apart from the fact that I
can't do good, won't have any kind of
274
00:15:57,240 --> 00:16:02,840
eulogy, everyone thinks I'm hopeless,
even Chris and Alison have only got
me "in the running" for godmother.
275
00:16:02,840 --> 00:16:05,960
I'll ask Gary to put in a good
word for you. No, don't worry.
276
00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:12,200
No, but listen, you godmother,
Gary, godfather! Nice!
277
00:16:12,200 --> 00:16:15,960
You'd share a god-daughter. Yeah,
be like we're sort of god-married.
278
00:16:15,960 --> 00:16:19,040
Then we could go on a goddy-moon.
279
00:16:19,040 --> 00:16:22,640
It's taking it too far.
Taking what too far?
280
00:16:22,640 --> 00:16:24,440
Um, Clive's taking it too far.
281
00:16:24,440 --> 00:16:31,800
Um, he said to me, shall I take
my dog for a walk to Prestatyn?
282
00:16:31,800 --> 00:16:36,600
And I said, no, that's taking it...
BOTH: Too far.
283
00:16:38,120 --> 00:16:41,160
So I'm just going to take
him to Bristol instead.
284
00:16:41,160 --> 00:16:45,960
Good. Queen Kong, you been
chucked out of anywhere recently?
285
00:16:45,960 --> 00:16:50,520
SHE LAUGHS ANNOYINGLY
286
00:16:50,520 --> 00:16:55,920
Excuse me, busy busy for
le wine tasting, le wine tasting.
287
00:16:55,920 --> 00:16:59,880
Well, no excuse me excuse me,
because me too, me too,
so am I, so am I, so I am.
288
00:16:59,880 --> 00:17:02,440
I presume you are kiddingtons?
289
00:17:02,440 --> 00:17:04,560
No, because,
290
00:17:04,560 --> 00:17:08,840
the only chucking out I'll be doing
is out of a plane for my
charity parachute jump.
291
00:17:08,840 --> 00:17:14,360
Yes, I'm going to register to jump
10,000, 10,000 feet?!
292
00:17:14,360 --> 00:17:17,640
Ooh, whilst strapped to
an instructor.
293
00:17:17,640 --> 00:17:20,520
Bit of a bonus.
294
00:17:20,520 --> 00:17:23,640
Will there be a parachute...
Big enough?
295
00:17:23,640 --> 00:17:26,720
No, seriously?
296
00:17:26,720 --> 00:17:31,080
You can shove my parachute up
your skinny amuse-bouche exit hole.
297
00:17:34,040 --> 00:17:36,720
I would like to sweep out
just once, Clive.
298
00:17:38,240 --> 00:17:41,320
Thank you. ...Exit hole.
299
00:17:41,320 --> 00:17:43,120
Sweeping, thank you.
300
00:17:43,120 --> 00:17:45,080
Look at my sweep-ingtons.
301
00:17:49,080 --> 00:17:51,720
Hi, is registration still open
for the parachute jump?
302
00:17:51,720 --> 00:17:54,520
Yes, just in time.
Would you like to register?
303
00:17:54,520 --> 00:17:58,000
No, I thought I'd come along, see if
you're open, and then pop home again.
304
00:17:58,000 --> 00:17:59,360
Oh, all right.
305
00:17:59,360 --> 00:18:02,040
Next! No, no, I was joking.
306
00:18:02,040 --> 00:18:05,560
All right, um well there's
a few details to fill out there.
307
00:18:05,560 --> 00:18:07,920
There's some medical
questions as well.
308
00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:12,560
OK. Ooh, jumping out of a plane for
charity. We could die happy tomorrow.
309
00:18:12,560 --> 00:18:16,120
Statistically it's very
unlikely that you'll actually die.
310
00:18:16,120 --> 00:18:20,880
No, I wasn't saying that you'd die
on the jump, I meant if we died,
we'd feel good about ourselves.
311
00:18:20,880 --> 00:18:24,000
I don't think you'd feel
good plummeting to your death.
312
00:18:24,000 --> 00:18:28,760
I'm not saying you'd feel good dying,
I'm just, is he a little bit thick?
313
00:18:28,760 --> 00:18:29,960
Little bit thick.
314
00:18:29,960 --> 00:18:32,880
I'm just saying... It doesn't matter.
315
00:18:32,880 --> 00:18:37,160
Right, are you or
could you be pregnant?
316
00:18:37,160 --> 00:18:40,400
Well, you know, I could be.
317
00:18:40,400 --> 00:18:43,400
When did you last have intercourse?
318
00:18:46,160 --> 00:18:48,280
Don't worry. I'm not pregnant.
319
00:18:48,280 --> 00:18:50,040
But it's for our insurance. I'm not.
320
00:18:50,040 --> 00:18:51,680
You said you might be.
I'm really not.
321
00:18:51,680 --> 00:18:55,480
It's for our insurance. I haven't
had sex for three years!
322
00:18:56,520 --> 00:18:58,560
Good.
323
00:18:58,560 --> 00:19:01,600
Right, I just need to see some ID.
324
00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:03,520
Oh, I'm not sure I've got anything.
325
00:19:03,520 --> 00:19:07,560
Bus pass.
326
00:19:07,560 --> 00:19:10,440
It says here that you're 96.
327
00:19:10,440 --> 00:19:13,120
Our insurance company doesn't
insure people over 80.
328
00:19:13,120 --> 00:19:15,040
Yes, but I'm obviously not 96.
329
00:19:15,040 --> 00:19:17,320
That's not what it says here.
330
00:19:17,320 --> 00:19:19,560
But I hope that's what it says here.
331
00:19:19,560 --> 00:19:22,560
How old are you? Late 20s.
332
00:19:22,560 --> 00:19:25,120
Specifically? 35.
333
00:19:25,120 --> 00:19:28,440
So, could you please tell
the insurance I'm under 80?
334
00:19:28,440 --> 00:19:31,400
We can't do it without ID,
I'm afraid.
335
00:19:34,040 --> 00:19:37,120
Is that the instructor you get
strapped to for the jump? Yeah.
336
00:19:37,120 --> 00:19:40,360
Just out of interest,
can you do that part without the ID?
337
00:19:40,360 --> 00:19:42,160
You just want to do the training?
338
00:19:42,160 --> 00:19:46,040
I just want to know if I could
strap myself tightly to...
Ooh, hello!
339
00:19:49,480 --> 00:19:51,320
She hasn't had sex in three years.
340
00:19:53,480 --> 00:19:55,320
I have never liked you.
341
00:19:55,320 --> 00:19:57,600
Watch my sweep.
342
00:20:01,120 --> 00:20:04,720
I'm going to give up doing good,
it keeps back firing.
343
00:20:04,720 --> 00:20:08,880
1974, yes. Someone misread the one.
344
00:20:08,880 --> 00:20:11,720
Morning. We come bearing news.
345
00:20:11,720 --> 00:20:14,400
Gary's been telling us about
your good deeds.
346
00:20:14,400 --> 00:20:19,440
And we can now reveal the person
joining Gary as godparent will be...
347
00:20:21,640 --> 00:20:24,600
BOTH: Miranda!
Oh, really? Ah, that's lovely.
348
00:20:24,600 --> 00:20:26,560
And, there's something else.
349
00:20:26,560 --> 00:20:31,360
We wanted the godmother to do the
honour of being my birthing partner.
350
00:20:34,480 --> 00:20:37,280
We ran it past Gary. Ummm...
351
00:20:37,280 --> 00:20:39,720
That's her excited voice.
352
00:20:39,720 --> 00:20:42,640
No, well, hang on, what about Chris?
353
00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:45,120
Well, you see we want
a video of the birth.
354
00:20:45,120 --> 00:20:50,280
I want to be down the business end
focussing on dilation.
BOTH: Ooh, too much information!
355
00:20:50,280 --> 00:20:53,480
How amazing to witness
the cervix peeling open.
356
00:20:53,480 --> 00:20:55,640
La, la, la, la, la...
357
00:20:55,640 --> 00:20:58,240
♪ La, la, la... ♪
358
00:20:58,240 --> 00:21:00,520
♪La, la, la, la, la! ♪
359
00:21:00,520 --> 00:21:03,800
Just a spot-o, Kylie.
360
00:21:03,800 --> 00:21:08,600
Now normal "cervix" can be resumed.
361
00:21:08,600 --> 00:21:10,560
No?
362
00:21:10,560 --> 00:21:12,400
Oh, pressing down on bladder.
363
00:21:12,400 --> 00:21:14,800
Do you mind if I use your...
Toilet, yes.
364
00:21:14,800 --> 00:21:18,880
Oh, it's happened again,
I've got an empathy wee coming.
365
00:21:21,320 --> 00:21:26,440
Gary, how could you sign me up to be
birthing partner? Sorry, I
didn't mean for that to happen.
366
00:21:26,440 --> 00:21:28,880
I will not do it.
I've got to get out of their lives.
367
00:21:28,880 --> 00:21:33,680
You can't just say you don't want to
be godmother. They'd be mortified.
368
00:21:33,680 --> 00:21:38,360
OK, well, I'll have to do bad,
show they've made a wrong choice.
369
00:21:38,360 --> 00:21:41,480
I thought you were doing good.
That's why I suggested it.
370
00:21:41,480 --> 00:21:46,680
Well, I will forgo any kind of eulogy
to get away from peeling cervixes.
371
00:21:46,680 --> 00:21:51,200
Hello? Hello!
372
00:21:52,360 --> 00:21:54,720
Well, we'd best be off.
Come on, dumpling.
373
00:21:54,720 --> 00:21:59,080
Before you go, I'm not sure you've
made the right choice.
374
00:21:59,080 --> 00:22:03,400
No no, Miranda isn't fit
to be a godmother.
375
00:22:03,400 --> 00:22:06,040
She stole what she's wearing
from a charity shop.
376
00:22:06,040 --> 00:22:07,880
Yes.
377
00:22:07,880 --> 00:22:12,600
Stealing is often
a sign of low self-esteem.
378
00:22:12,600 --> 00:22:18,000
In your case, that's understandable.
But being a godmummy will help that.
379
00:22:18,000 --> 00:22:21,640
When a woman has no chance
of having a child herself...
380
00:22:23,160 --> 00:22:28,440
We can give the gift of getting
involved in another child's life.
381
00:22:30,160 --> 00:22:35,760
So we'll meet you at the restaurant
later, yes, to talk birthing plans.
382
00:22:41,080 --> 00:22:45,800
I will have to do something
intrinsically evil.
383
00:22:45,800 --> 00:22:49,240
Mein Kampf.
384
00:22:49,240 --> 00:22:52,080
Well, I'd be an unnaceptable
godparent if I'm waiting for
385
00:22:52,080 --> 00:22:55,680
them at the restaurant, reading
a whole load of Hitler. Shush!
386
00:22:55,680 --> 00:22:58,600
Sorry.
387
00:22:58,600 --> 00:23:00,840
Shush!
388
00:23:00,840 --> 00:23:05,120
I was just saying sorry. Shush!
389
00:23:06,920 --> 00:23:10,360
Right, you can put those... Shush!
390
00:23:10,360 --> 00:23:14,120
No, you shush.
391
00:23:14,120 --> 00:23:16,240
I was shushing you.
392
00:23:16,240 --> 00:23:19,160
No, I do the shushing around here.
393
00:23:21,840 --> 00:23:26,480
Shush. It's the chair.
394
00:23:27,600 --> 00:23:28,640
Shush.
395
00:23:28,640 --> 00:23:29,640
It's my jacket.
396
00:23:31,840 --> 00:23:33,440
Shush!
397
00:23:34,600 --> 00:23:37,240
I can't move now.
398
00:23:39,000 --> 00:23:42,240
SHE COUGHS LOUDLY
399
00:23:51,160 --> 00:23:55,960
Sorry, sorry,
sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
400
00:23:55,960 --> 00:23:58,040
Ooh, this is nice.
401
00:24:01,120 --> 00:24:04,680
Ah, Danielle the Daisy Fairy.
402
00:24:04,680 --> 00:24:06,320
That's more like it.
403
00:24:06,320 --> 00:24:08,840
Lovely.
404
00:24:09,960 --> 00:24:13,120
Oh, it's lovely.
405
00:24:16,440 --> 00:24:18,480
Excuse me? Hmm?
406
00:24:18,480 --> 00:24:20,520
They're on this.
407
00:24:20,520 --> 00:24:22,120
Right.
408
00:24:22,120 --> 00:24:24,240
What's happening?
409
00:24:25,400 --> 00:24:28,720
Oh! Oh, I see.
410
00:24:28,720 --> 00:24:32,560
Right. OK. Hello.
411
00:24:33,840 --> 00:24:35,880
So, chapter one...
412
00:24:35,880 --> 00:24:40,320
"Limpy stuck his head
out of the grass."
413
00:24:40,320 --> 00:24:44,000
Use the puppet. All right, bossy.
414
00:24:46,640 --> 00:24:50,200
"And peered up and down the highway.
415
00:24:50,200 --> 00:24:52,160
"He felt his..."
416
00:24:52,160 --> 00:24:54,520
Oh, no, no.
417
00:24:54,520 --> 00:24:57,160
She's going to be
our own Mary Poppins.
418
00:24:57,160 --> 00:24:59,200
No. I don't even like children.
419
00:24:59,200 --> 00:25:02,440
I'm actually reading
Mein Kampf to them.
420
00:25:04,240 --> 00:25:08,760
So children, the master race, mmm,
evil, where have they...
421
00:25:08,760 --> 00:25:12,000
I think you should leave.
422
00:25:12,000 --> 00:25:13,640
I blame you.
423
00:25:15,640 --> 00:25:19,040
I just got caught reading
Mein Kampf to children.
424
00:25:19,040 --> 00:25:21,520
Well, that IS evil.
425
00:25:21,520 --> 00:25:25,200
Chris and Alison didn't see though.
I try and do good, I do bad.
426
00:25:25,200 --> 00:25:28,080
I try bad, I do good.
I wish I hadn't started it now.
427
00:25:28,080 --> 00:25:30,640
You can't hear what people
say at your funeral anyway.
428
00:25:30,640 --> 00:25:34,000
I'm so sorry for your loss. What?
429
00:25:34,000 --> 00:25:38,600
The council took Miranda off
the meals on wheels list so
that can only mean... Oh, yes.
430
00:25:38,600 --> 00:25:42,400
Sad, but she had a wonderful life.
431
00:25:42,400 --> 00:25:45,280
She was a good woman.
Wasn't she, Stevie? Ummm...
432
00:25:45,280 --> 00:25:46,800
Yes, she was.
433
00:25:46,800 --> 00:25:49,280
Miranda was a kind, considerate...
434
00:25:49,280 --> 00:25:52,360
Self-absorbed... Caring woman.
Who only ever thought of...
435
00:25:52,360 --> 00:25:54,040
Herself. Others.
436
00:25:54,040 --> 00:25:55,880
She had an excellent... Appetite.
437
00:25:55,880 --> 00:25:58,280
Sense of humour.
438
00:25:58,280 --> 00:26:00,000
When she walked in to a room, it...
439
00:26:00,000 --> 00:26:02,120
Smelt. Lit up.
440
00:26:02,120 --> 00:26:03,720
Such was her... Wind.
441
00:26:03,720 --> 00:26:05,600
Presence.
442
00:26:05,600 --> 00:26:07,200
Her death is a total...
443
00:26:07,200 --> 00:26:08,880
Relief. Loss.
444
00:26:08,880 --> 00:26:12,560
What a lovely eulogy.
445
00:26:12,560 --> 00:26:16,240
Ah, thank you. Eulogy, tick.
446
00:26:16,240 --> 00:26:20,320
Now I've just got to do evil
for Chris and Alison
and then cope with Mum's party.
447
00:26:20,320 --> 00:26:23,600
I'm not being rude, but unlikely.
448
00:26:27,120 --> 00:26:30,800
FAKE LAUGHTER
449
00:26:30,800 --> 00:26:32,400
Didn't get it, covered it up.
450
00:26:33,920 --> 00:26:36,120
Hi, coping? Yes, not bad.
451
00:26:36,120 --> 00:26:38,760
It's just a shame
Mr and Mrs Empathy Wee are here.
452
00:26:38,760 --> 00:26:43,320
I swear, if they say one more gross
thing, I will do something drastic
to get out of being god mother.
453
00:26:43,320 --> 00:26:46,320
Miranda, let me introduce
you to James the vicar.
454
00:26:46,320 --> 00:26:47,880
Vicar!
455
00:26:47,880 --> 00:26:51,200
You remember Miranda?
456
00:26:51,200 --> 00:26:52,720
Yes.
457
00:26:54,000 --> 00:26:58,000
It looks funny, a vicar with a
glass of wine, looks a bit naughty.
458
00:26:58,000 --> 00:27:01,680
Do you swear? Say bollocks.
I'd rather not.
459
00:27:01,680 --> 00:27:04,480
Oh, hello Chris. Ah, vicar. Hello.
460
00:27:04,480 --> 00:27:06,800
James is the vicar
doing our christening.
461
00:27:06,800 --> 00:27:10,280
Miranda is Alison's birth partner,
who in the traditional ceremony
462
00:27:10,280 --> 00:27:13,680
we aim to replicate, is responsible
for the burial of the placenta.
463
00:27:13,680 --> 00:27:15,280
Aaah!
464
00:27:15,280 --> 00:27:16,920
Right, that is it.
465
00:27:16,920 --> 00:27:21,720
Mother, Father, forgive me, because
I know exactly what I'm about to do.
466
00:27:24,080 --> 00:27:25,720
Just punched a vicar, unprovoked.
467
00:27:25,720 --> 00:27:27,920
Evil. Did she just punch a vicar?
468
00:27:27,920 --> 00:27:30,160
You just punched a vicar.
Just punched a vicar.
469
00:27:30,160 --> 00:27:33,640
I can't believe you punched a vicar.
I just punched a vicar.
470
00:27:33,640 --> 00:27:35,680
Unacceptable!
471
00:27:35,680 --> 00:27:39,080
Queen Kong, all you had to do was
not get chucked out and ruin it.
472
00:27:39,080 --> 00:27:44,600
I think you should leave.
Excuse me, sorry to interrupt,
I realised where we met.
473
00:27:44,600 --> 00:27:50,000
You read to my aunt in hospital
before she died and we are so
grateful. Oh, my pleasure.
474
00:27:50,000 --> 00:27:53,960
Hang on, you're the woman who did
the parachute jump. Oh, so brave.
475
00:27:53,960 --> 00:27:56,200
I chickened out.
476
00:27:56,200 --> 00:28:00,520
We should all look up to you,
selflessly giving your time
for others.
477
00:28:00,520 --> 00:28:03,800
Well, one does one's best. A ha-ha!
478
00:28:06,840 --> 00:28:08,400
Everyone, everyone.
479
00:28:08,400 --> 00:28:11,160
This is Miranda, my daughter.
480
00:28:11,160 --> 00:28:16,440
She does parachute jumps
and volunteers at the local hospital.
481
00:28:16,440 --> 00:28:20,240
Ah, the pleasure's all yours.
482
00:28:20,240 --> 00:28:22,160
Hit it, Clive.
483
00:28:22,160 --> 00:28:25,000
MUSIC STARTS
May I? You may!
37686
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