Original subtitles

The pain medication might make Mr. Furley

a little woozy, so don't let him text any ex-girlfriends.

When are you going to retire that corny-ass joke?

When it stops making everyone's frickin' day.

I saw on the security camera,

we got another compliment.

I love feeling like I'm part of the team

without actually having to interact with anyone.

Dr. Pocha, it's creepy that you watch us on the cameras.

I usually charge people for that.

Another one for Mayan.

They love that cat texting joke. Never retire it.

That means so much

coming from such a great friend and mentor.

It's like I'm Oprah, and you're Gayle.

I mean, you're Oprah, and I'm Gayle.

- What do you want? - A 5% raise, my photo on the website,

and Brookie's parking spot?

- I'll give you the raise. - Yes.

But that's actually my parking spot.

I gave it to Brookie because I want customers

to think my license plate says "Bad Bitch."

Congratulations on the raise,

and nice try stealing my parking spot,

but a bad bitch doesn't walk three blocks.

- Mayan. - Hey, how'd the T-ball game go?

Amazing.

Two parents thought I was Chance's mom,

and they were reading books during the game,

so you know they're smart.

I meant how did the game go for Chance?

Oh, it was a bloodbath.

I need a beer and a tequila chaser,

and maybe if I black out, I can forget that game.

Same. I'll take a milk in my room.

Actually, let's do chocolate milk,

and make it a double.

Where does he get this stuff?

Was the game that bad?

It's not about the scoreboard.

Okay, as their coach, I am teaching these kids

about courage in the face of defeat.

All you're teaching them is how to lose,

and after losing 14 games in a row,

I think they got it.

You know, it doesn't matter what you say, George,

'cause as long as I got this hat on,

- I'm the boss. - Milk!

Yep.

Ay, it's a shame you keep missing Chance's games.

You need to ask your boss to let you off work early.

I just asked for a raise. I can't ask to leave early, too.

- Just do what I do. - Use one of the three Ds...

death, discrimination, or diarrhea.

As a mom, your kid looks up to you.

You don't want to let them down.

So you have to do whatever it takes to be there for them.

I know, Mom. You were perfect.

Oh, your words, not mine.

I always had a full-time job,

and I still managed to be at your T-ball games,

your dance recitals, and your OB-GYN appointments.

That was last week, and I told you to stop coming.

I'm telling you, Mayan,

you don't want to regret not being there for Chance

the way someone wasn't there for your T-ball games.

I was at those T-ball games.

You were passed out in your car.

If a tree falls in the woods

and nobody's there to hear it...

it's still in the woods.

It's just laying there... sleeping it off.

You ready for your game, gordo?

Dad, we need to talk.

An open dialogue? That's so mature.

My little man's growing up!

The team voted,

and we don't want you to be our coach anymore.

You're a baby, and you don't know what you're talking about.

I'm sorry.

Nobody gets into T-ball to fire their dad.

I... I have the coach's hat.

Yeah, and I'm gonna need that back for the new guy.

Aw, man! Did we miss it?

- Shoot! - Wait, wait, wait.

Your... your grandpa is taking my place?

And me. I'm the third-base coach.

My first rule is no more overly positive cheers like,

"Losing isn't hard to do when we lose to friends like you."

It's catchy, and it makes everyone feel good.

We've been faking it!

Grandpa and t�o Oscar promised to make us champs!

I want a trophy, dog!

Are you sure, Chance?

As in maybe give your old man a second one.

Sorry, just like me, you only get one.

Hi, Mom. Why are you mopping?

I just cleaned the floors this morning.

I see you think that's true.

At least it's the kitchen, not the bedroom.

I feel really weird about you organizing my sex toys.

- Oh, no, don't worry. - I disinfected them first.

They're cooling off on the stove.

What are you doing here anyway?

Shouldn't you be at Chance's game?

Did you ask your boss for the time off?

No, because like I told you, she just gave me a raise.

I'm not gonna leave her to close by herself.

That's sweet, how you're bending over backwards

for a total stranger.

If only you had the same level of dedication

- to your own child. - Mommy, we won! I hit a home run!

Yeah, it was a great night for everyone.

They won their game,

and I was nominated to run the snack booth.

You don't miss being the coach?

No, I am loving the opportunity to show Chance

how to bounce back from rejection

with grace and a mandatory hairnet.

Get ready to bounce again, bro...

'cause the kids hated your figs in a blanket,

Okay, let's get you upstairs, papa.

Damn, I'm exhausted, man.

Those kids don't listen.

They complain, and when you need 'em, they disappear.

It makes sense they made you their leader.

You know, Mayan knows the game, and she's great with kids.

If she was there, she could help you,

and Chance could have a parent at the games.

I'm there.

Stick to the figs there, Snack Efron.

I'd love Mayan to help, but she can't get off work.

She only thinks she can't get off work. Come here.

Just like she thinks that these floors are clean.

It takes a village to raise a perfect mom,

and I am that village.

She just took the dog.

You think that's something we need to worry about?

I think we should be worrying about what's for dinner.

Now, who can tell me what's wrong with this sentence?

"Always play fair unless you're losing,"

which is why I want to introduce you

to your newest teammate, Robbie,

AKA the Mexicutioner!

Yo.

We work out at the same gym.

Robbie mostly plays football.

How does that help us?

Okay, imagine Coach Oscar

is the first baseman on the other team.

Robbie comes up at bat. He gets a hit,

and I yell, "Send 'em home, Robbie!"

And boom!

Out for the rest of the season!

- Look who it is. - I know, I know.

I'm Betty Cracker.

You can say that, not me.

I just wanted to show the team

that when life gives you lemons, you make lemon bars.

You know what? I know you're upset.

You can drop the act, okay?

There aren't any kids around to hear you.

One of these days, when you least expect it,

I will find something you love and ruin it for you.

Who do we have here?

Hey, Churro. What brings you in today?

That's your cue.

Oh, I thought you read their minds or something.

- I'm worried about her bad breath. - Oh.

Well, given that they lick their butts throughout the day,

you got to cut 'em a little slack.

Hmm, looks good.

I'll give you some dental treats.

Anything else I can do for you?

Yes, you can start treating my daughter

- with a little respect. - I'm sorry.

- I respect you, Churro. - No. My daughter is Mayan.

- Your Mayan's mom? - Oh, I know.

We look like we could be sisters.

And I need you to let her off work early

so she can attend her son's T-ball games on Thursdays.

Hey, Dr. Pocha, I...

Mom? Oh, my God, what's wrong with Churro?

Nothing. Your mom just came down

to ask if you can leave early for your son's T-ball games.

She what?

I'm so sorry, Dr. Pocha.

Her brain's been pickled by huffing Jean Nate and Fabuloso.

- I'll take care of this. - Okay.

I'll let you two talk.

This mother-daughter dynamic is why I came in one weekend

and spayed myself.

I didn't.

Or did I?

I can't believe you showed up at my work

and confronted my boss... I'm so embarrassed.

What? You weren't going to do it, so I did.

- I'm a doer. - This isn't double-mopping my floors

or asking my gyno to look a little deeper.

This is my place of work.

How is my boss supposed to respect me

- when my own mother doesn't? - Okay.

It's not even my fault.

If you want to blame someone, blame your father.

Ho-ho, I will.

- Wait, for what? - Yeah.

He was complaining like always, saying,

"Oh, coaching these kids... it's too hard.

I'm overwhelmed.

I don't know how to be a husband,

a father, a lover, a coach. Orale."

And then he asked me to come speak to your boss, so I did.

It could've been so much worse, Mayan.

Okay, so you were trying to respect me,

but Dad put you in a bad situation.

I'm sorry, Mom.

All is forgiven... not forgotten but forgiven.

Coach Grandpa, I'm so uncomfortable.

Why do I have to sleep on my glove?

Quickest way to break it in is to sleep on it

- with a baseball inside. - You should do it.

You weigh, like, five times more than me.

All right, first, no body-shaming,

and, second, you're higher up, so gravity makes you heavier.

Dad, I need to talk to you.

If this is about his weight, don't go there.

Someone's delicate tonight.

Chance, put on your headphones.

Ooh, you're in trouble.

Mom, said you sent her to tell my boss to let me leave early.

What? I didn't tell her to do anything.

And even if I had,

name one time that that woman's ever listened to me...

even when we used our safe word, "chorizo."

Gross, and don't gaslight me.

- I would never gaslight you. - Gas is way too expensive.

You know what? I can prove that she's lying.

Quinten, get in here.

Presenting my star witness... Gringo Starr.

What's going on?

Uh, hey, you were there when I was talking to Rosie.

Did I tell her to go to Mayan's work and talk to her boss?

No, Rosie made some ominous comments and kidnapped the dog.

I was gonna stop her, but I did not want to offend

the only person who can get our floors clean.

Yeah, you see? Innocent.

I don't know what's more shocking...

that you told the truth or that Mom lied to me.

Well, she probably gaslit you, too.

I mean, she's got a good job. She can afford many gallons.

The good thing is that I'm here now,

you know, to defend myself against those lies.

Wow, you think she's done this before...

- blamed you for things that she's done? - Uh, yeah.

She wanted me to seem worse than I am.

I'm bad enough. I don't need her help.

Ooh, Grandma's in trouble.

You're not supposed to hear with those on.

Ooh, now I'm in trouble.

I'm here. Where did Churro vomit?

I brought my special blend of Fabuloso and lighter fluid.

The only thing we'll be cleaning up today are your lies...

Menti-Rosie.

What's the viejo talking about?

Mom, there's no Churro vomit.

I lied to get you over here

because I know Dad didn't ask you to show up at my work,

and we need to talk about it.

- Did he tell you this? - And you believed him?

He's a liar. He fakes his diarrhea.

There, we talked about it.

Quinten confirmed it.

You're never gonna clean our floors again, are you?

I got out my diaries because now I need to know

what childhood traumas you blamed on Dad

- and which ones were you. - So buckle up, bruja!

Because all your gas is coming to the light!

When we're done here,

we really need to explain gaslighting to you.

Just keep score, Vanna Whiteboy.

Here's my top-ten traumas from the early aughts.

Trauma number one...

the time nobody showed up to drive me home,

and I was left at Ross for five hours.

- Mom or Dad? - Surprise, your dad.

I thought Ross was the babysitter.

- Okay, that's one for George. - Number two...

the Easter egg hunt with no eggs.

Mom said you used all of them to make an Easter eggnog.

- Not possible... - I spent every Easter in Vegas with Bunny Perez.

And she assured me that she didn't have any eggs.

- I forgot to put them out. - Okay, that's a Rosie one.

Dead hamster?

Let legally blind grandma cut my hair?

Deported uncle?

Decapitated Barbie?

Dead hamster number two?

Girl Scout scam?

I think we could use a little snack break.

Two dead hamsters?

We got to keep your parents away from Churro.

I'm gonna post this on my Instagram.

Rosie la reinais to blame-a.

Yeah, you're really having fun with this, huh?

I always knew you were poisoning Mayan against me.

Congratulations.

You finally have proof that I am not the perfect mom.

But guess what. I've known that for years.

- Why are you agreeing with me? - Is this what gaslighting is?

Ay.

You remember that summer that Mayan stayed at my sister's,

and I told you that it was because I needed bunion surgery?

Yeah, yeah, you went to Mexico.

I never went to Mexico.

I dropped Mayan off, went back home,

pulled down the shades, got in bed,

and cried for three weeks straight.

Later, I found out I had a nervous breakdown.

Wow, I'm... I mean, is that what the doctor said?

- Ay, doctor? - I couldn't afford a doctor.

I saw that on "Grey's Anatomy."

I mean, uh, how come you never told me?

Because you being gone was part of it.

I was working three jobs,

trying to start a new business,

raising a kid who was heartbroken after we split up.

I was just trying to hold it together... until I couldn't.

Wow, I mean, you never said anything.

- Every time I saw you, you looked hot. - Thank you.

I know.

- Mayan never said anything. - Oh, Mayan didn't know.

I wanted to be perfect for her

because everything in her life wasn't.

But I just couldn't keep it up. So, yeah...

sometimes I threw you under the bus...

when I screwed up.

- That's how I survived. - Wow.

Let's move to the middle-school years.

Yeah, we don't have to go through this.

I recognize this.

These were all the mescal years.

Yeah, you know what? Those are all me.

Winner, winner! Pollo Loco dinner!

This is not a game you want to win.

I'm okay with that.

What do you know about winning anyways?

- You want a drink? - Sure, what do you got?

Oh, remembering all the mescal years

made me thirsty for...

mescal.

You know, a lot of that stuff on that last list was my fault.

Why'd you take the blame?

You did a great job raising Mayan,

despite everything that I threw at you.

And maybe you weren't the perfect mom,

but... you were the perfect mom for Mayan.

- You really think so? - Yeah.

And the proof is in that firecracker out there

in the living room.

And I understand why you did what you did.

I mean, let's face it.

If we played that game listing all the wrongdoings

I did to you, we'd run out of ink.

Is that an apology?

I'm starting to learn

that a little "lo siento" goes a long way.

Okay, so we don't have to break out my old diaries

- and read through them? - No.

Only the dirty parts.

Those were some good parts.

Chorizo.

Chorizo.

Ay, Dios m�o.

Okay, gordo, ready to go kick some T-balls?

Grandpa, we need to talk.

Oh, my God, he's firing us.

Not my call.

All the cheating was filmed

and made into a TikTok by a mystery parent.

Send him home, Robbie! Whoo!

And he didn't even tag me... what a monster.

It was someone named "@VannaWhiteboy."

Well, guess I'll take my hat back.

Actually, I hired the perfect coach.

Coach Mom in the house.

How can you be coach?

I thought you weren't going to ask to leave early.

I didn't have to.

I told the league it was discrimination

against working moms to have games before 5:00 p.m.

You used one of the three Ds?

That's the one people are afraid of.

Well, look who's coming through for Chance... me.

Oh, because I inspired you.

You crossed a line and really embarrassed me.

Oh, I know. It was a bit much.

- Lo siento. - I forgive you.

Aw, I forgive you, too.

- For what? - Lots of things.

Oh, but I don't keep a list like a little bitch.

- Synced and corrected by actumaxime - - www.addic7ed.com -