Original subtitles

(girl with Scottish accent) For hundreds of years, people have tried to solve

the mystery of our loch.

Dr Abernathy was one of them until the night he had a terrible accident.

We didn't know it then, but that night would change our lives for ever.

(woman) Izzy! Bedtime!

- Is that a good one? - Very good one.

One eye, that's the one!

Nice one.

Are you all right, Dr Abernathy? Are you all right?

Yeah, yeah, I just need some air to clear my head.

(goading)

Oh, my God!

(radio: Announcements and jingle)

(radio) It's the first day of the rest of your life!

It's bleeding again.

Right, here's good for me.

Yeah, tell Eddie down the shop I'll catch up with him later.

- Eddie? - Yeah, Eddie, the owner of the place.

We have no Eddie.

Only his close friends call him Eddie.

He's my brother.

You're not listening to me. Hey, Caroline. Yoo-hoo, Caroline?

You will get your money.

(line goes dead)

- You look like hell. - Thank you very much.

Aren't you supposed to be at a class right now?

Probably.

You know, Mercer is going ballistic.

He wants a word with you after your next lecture. The one you're not at.

Dean doesn't want you around the campus.

Neither do I.

However, all is not lost.

I have a research position which is perfect for a man of your reputation.

Loch Ness.

- What? - Loch Ness, Scotland.

I sent Dr Abernathy. He had an accident. Dead.

What's-his-name is still there. His research assistant.

You want me to go find the Loch Ness monster, Bob?

No, John. I want you to go to Loch Ness and not find the monster.

I want you to take this equipment and prove that it's a hoax.

What are you doing? You're sticking another nail in my coffin.

I can't go there. It'll look like I'm running after another shadow.

The only reason I'm teaching freshmen

is because I chased a no-show monster for three years!

- I won't have any credibility left. - You don't have any credibility.

And now you don't have any career.

Unless I say so. What's the problem here?

Just run the sonar up the loch, bring me evidence nothing's there.

I get my equipment back, you regain credibility and get paid.

Screw the money. I won't do it.

That's brave talk for a guy that has to hitch... hike home tonight.

John, I've got letters on my desk from the IRS about you.

Not to mention communications from the lawyers of your ex-wife.

Yeah, I may be broke and have no credibility left,

but I do have some dignity.

That's blackmail. So why don't you take the whole loch and shove it?

Helen?

Make that reservation for Scotland for Dr John Dempsey.

Yeah. In coach, of course.

I don't know, hold on...

John, window or aisle?

- Window. - Window.

Dr Dempsey?

Hello, I'm Adrian Foote.

Your research assistant.

I recognise you from that picture in Time magazine.

You were on the boat in Madagascar with a lemur on your shoulder.

You've lost weight since then. If you don't mind me saying, it suits you.

This is an honour for me. I've read all your books on biodiversity.

(Adrian) Loch Ness.

In 500 AD, St Columba saw the beastie approaching a swimmer.

"Turn back, beastie! Let the man be!" He shouted, and it submerged.

Ever since then, people have been seeing Each Uisge.

That's the Horse of the Water.

But you watch out, beastie, 'cause your man is here.

It is... It's very comfortable.

And each room is done out in a different tartan.

I think mine's "Hunting Stewart".

(music, chatter and whooping)

Is there another hotel we can go to?

Not that's open now. It's after the season.

- The ceilidh's in high gear, so... - Wait, wait. What's a ceilidh?

Well, it's a gathering in honour of all the cryptozoologists.

You're telling me there are Nessie hunters in there?

Aye, I thought you knew. They're all excited at a chance to meet you.

Didn't Dr Mercer tell you?

Aw, that's perfect (!)

Good!

(# tune: "Marie's Wedding")

The Danes are here, building a giant cage.

They plan to lure Nessie in with six tons of breadcrumbs.

- Dr Muller? Dr Muller? - I need a drink.

John Dempsey as in "Dr Sasquatch". I think they were wrong about you.

He also discovered an unknown species of wasp in South America.

Won the Tyler Award for that at 26. And the NSA Award twice.

That's a long time ago. Forget it.

I read about you in Scientific American. They were wrong...

Dr Dempsey, such an honour. Your pursuit of the Yeti was seminal.

What is your method of tracking?

My method of tracking?

I like to locate what I'm after, then I bend down like this,

and then I give it the old zigzag here...

(bagpipes: "Scotland the Brave")

There is nowhere you can go.

I'm gonna get my rig, do my job and get the hell out of Dodge.

- But at least let me... - Hey, Adrian!

Chill out, all right? Have some shortbread or something.

Damn midget's car.

Your car is in the drive.

Oh, no...

You realise you're blocking the driveway?

- I do now. - What do you intend to do about it?

- What do you want me to do? - Move it, obviously!

Do I hear the word "please" in there?

I guess not.

(horn blares)

Thanks for your help.

This is a very important scientific project. We've a schedule.

If we find something, it'll be good for your business.

What if they don't?

This is Dr Dempsey.

Is that a fact?

So, Doctor...

You want to find the monster, do you?

Yeah. That's correct. But I don't have much time.

Gotta get to Greenland before winter hits, find Santa Claus.

Excuse me.

- So, how much for the boat? - Well...

I can't have her defaced with all this... equipment I see here.

That'll make a difference again, so...

I'll be wanting �20,000.

I'll buy it back in a week, less damages and �500 a day.

�20,000? You said ten!

Oh, aye. That was for the Conquest there.

Well, I only got a week, and I do need a rig.

Plus, I love what you've done with the colours. Cheque OK?

Wait, wait. You can't pay him all that money.

I'm not going to, am I? Mercer is. Didn't he tell you? Spare no expense.

Take care of that, will you?

Did you come to stay with us, Dr Dempsey?

I don't know. Who are you?

Isabel Mary McFetridge.

My mother's Laura and my dog's Bruce.

He rolled in some fish and went home.

You'll be in room D. Bye for now.

Room D?

Hello? Hello?

They open?

Hello?

(radio: Shipping forecast)

Hello?

Sorry! I'm sorry.

Sorry. I'm looking for a room for five days.

The season's ended. We're not taking guests just now.

Oh... Well, can I...? Can I see the manager?

I am the manager.

- Could I... talk to the owner? - I am the owner.

Bruce got into some dead fish on the jetty. He likes to roll in it.

Canis lupus courtship behaviour.

Bruce is on the make.

You still blocking people's driveways?

Yeah, I'm sorry... Hello? You caught me off guard.

The little girl said you were holding a room for me.

Isabel? She's a wee lass, Mr Dempsey.

We're not accommodating.

Right. Well, let me ask you, ma'am.

When you are accommodating, what do you usually get for a room?

�70 a night.

Well, let's make it 75, and I apologise for blocking your driveway.

I'm sorry, but we're still closed.

Hey, please, this is the only place. Just for five nights, please?

So you'll be another beastie hunter?

Yes. Yes, ma'am. Have net, will travel. That's me.

�80. Please.

Overcharge me. It seems to be the national pastime around here.

Hello, Mr Dempsey.

Isabel.

Why don't you work out a room deal? Your mom's crucifying me.

- How much are you offering? - Isabel!

All right, this is my last offer, though. �90 and no pets in my room.

- That's really good. - Yeah, see?

All right.

- Room D. It's along the landing. - Yes!

- Come on, Isabel. - Look at that, room D.

- Could you...? - No, you're too late for breakfast!

Three of these, laddie, and you might catch a glimpse of the beastie.

I think I got a pretty good look at one, don't you?

- Some carrots. - Yeah.

- How about four? - Four. For sure.

They laughed at the very idea of a dragon in Komodo.

And then they found it.

Same with the tree kangaroo.

Right over here.

Same with the megashark, of course.

And it was the same with your discovery, eh? The Dempsey wasp.

Satellite mapping system. And that's CP-500 sonar.

I thought only the military had this equipment.

Nothing's too good for Mercer's army.

- Beer? - No, thanks.

Right.

You can see every mollusc.

You can see every inch.

(steady beeping)

We're gonna see it.

I know it.

How can it not be there?

How can what not be there, Adrian?

The creature.

You know, in prehistoric times, the loch was connected to the sea,

but it was cut off during the second Ice Age.

An aquatic dinosaur here would've been...

Trapped in an isolated aquarium,

able to sustain itself and escape extinction.

Nice theory.

Come on, man.

We get the Discovery Channel, too, you know.

Look, I don't want to seem impertinent, Doctor...

Sometimes it sounds like you believe there's nothing there.

You're in the ballpark there.

So the locals need a legend, because their livelihood depends on it,

but what about the evidence?

It's a large pinniped, maybe a Pleistocene relic.

I believe strongly, Doctor, that what's down here is not a tabloid monster.

- It's a biological phenomenon. - Come on!

Would you give me a break?

Dr Dempsey?

Nothing on the rear scanner, Adrian!

No, there's... there's something here. I need help to get a fix on it.

It's nothing. It's probably just a chunk of driftwood or something.

It's too big to be a chunk of driftwood.

It's moving. It's moving!

It's propelled by trapped bacterial gas. Relax.

There, see? I told you, it was just a log.

It's always just a big damn log.

I'm sorry.

(man singing in distance)

I'm so sorry.

Each Uisge! Each Uisge!

He's the water bailiff, the keeper of the loch.

He's been here since '32.

# Row, row, row your boat Gently down the stream

# Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily

# Life is but a dream #

(knocks)

Dinner is at 7.30 sharp. That'll be extra, of course.

Of course.

I suppose the breakfast I didn't have is included?

- Aye. - That makes sense.

- How's your room? - It's nice, yes. Very nice.

Are you taking over from poor Dr Abernathy?

Yeah, I suppose I am.

He was a good man. Such a tragedy.

You're here to solve the mystery of the loch?

- There's no mystery to solve. - I don't know about that.

You're a believer?

I wouldn't say yes, but I wouldn't say no.

Come on, you can tell me. Have you actually seen it?

Well, when I was a wee girl,

I saw a great wake in Urquhart Bay.

Three humps came up, just beyond the castle there.

Really?

See, that's my personal favourite, the old triple-humper.

If you don't believe in it, why did you ask me?

I'm sorry.

- Is there a shower? - Aye.

Thank God.

- But there's no hot water. - Why not?

- The dog used the last of it. - I'm sorry?

Canis lupus used the last of the H2O. He's clean as a whistle now.

No, wait a minute...

You're telling me that I'm paying �90 a night, that's $140,

I don't get the breakfast I paid for, and the dog gets my hot water?

I didn't know you were coming, and I didn't ask you to stay.

There'll be plenty of hot water later. There are your towels.

Thank you. Yes, the towels.

Look at these! Should they be away from their mother?

I've seen the snow in wintertime five feet.

And my old grandpappy, four feet eleven.

We never saw him till March.

- That's terrible. - Except for his hat.

- My old grandmother was pleased. - I'll help you with that.

- I can manage, thanks! - Sorry.

I wasn't suggesting 'cause you're a woman you're not capable of...

You're more than capable of... As well as being a woman.

Well, if you want to.

- What are you doing, Andy? - I'm just pulling one for Duncan.

- On the self-serve pump. - Stay your side of the bar, please!

I do apologise, Miss McFetridge.

Only trying to help, I'm sure.

Have you... thought any more about what I said?

I have, and the answer's still no.

You don't know what you're missing, Laura.

I've a good idea, and it'll be no loss.

Hello, Mr Dempsey. Would you like to sit with me?

Somebody who doesn't hate me.

Actually, I'd love to. Thank you.

So, what do you wanna do? You wanna grab a Scotch and cigar?

- No. You're funny. - You think so?

Good. You wanna hear some of my impressions?

I do Donald Duck and Mickey Mouse. Here you go.

I used to do a human being, but I'm all out of practice.

(imitates cartoon characters)

You're a great audience.

OK, smart stuff, let's see. It's your turn.

(squeaks and squawks and giggles)

No, hey. That was good. You're a professional, right?

- What else do you do? - I can do the water kelpie.

Yes, the water kelpie. All right, let me see your Nessie.

(shrill whistle)

That's good, but I think it's actually a little more like this...

(he growls)

(roars)

You're silly. It doesn't sound like that at all.

Great. A little success, and all of a sudden you're a critic.

There you go, Tommy.

What's his story?

Mr Dempsey?

He's taking over, like you said.

Aye, and with more equipment than I've ever seen on the loch.

But it's strange. He's not another starry-eyed loony after a monster.

- In fact, he says it doesn't exist. - How long is he staying?

As long as it takes him to prove his point.

He thinks five days.

Did he pay in advance?

Bruce, drop!

Fetch it!

Not for Magnus. Not with his colouring.

Good day to you, Laura. How are you?

Not so bad, Mrs Macfarlane. Hello, Mrs Tait.

- Laura. - And lovely Isabel, is she well?

Fine, fine. She's becoming quite a handful these days.

- Do you have any spare milk today? - Yes, yes.

- For the guest, I suppose? - Aye.

The American. He bought a bonny pair of socks.

A single man... Very nice. Very good-looking.

- I thought you'd closed. - I had, too.

But he made me an offer I couldn't refuse.

- So... he'll be staying a time, then? - A time, aye.

Is that him out there now?

Heavens! What's he done to the boat? Is that some sort of equipment?

Aye. I heard he had... equipment.

That'll be Andy's boat he's using?

It is.

Does Andy not mind you accommodating?

What's he got to do with it?

Well, nothing.

Just I heard that you two had an understanding.

We certainly do not.

Whether or not I choose to take in guests has nothing to do with Andy.

(chug of boat)

This loch is 25 miles long. That's 263 billion cubic feet of water.

That's more water than all the lakes in England and Wales put together.

Can't you read? Beware! Private!

Why don't you go and invade a small country in South America

instead of invading my water,

my privacy and my monster's privacy?

Did he say his monster?

That's Gordon Shoals. A total fruitcake.

- He's been here 16 years now. - Beware the Ides of March!

The water never gives up its dead!

Yes, I know who you are! And so does the monster!

And another thing, Dempsey,

the only bit of her you're gonna see is the inside of her bloody stomach!

- Because she loves me, not you! - Nutter.

I talk to her!

(he wheezes)

We got company. You expecting anybody, Adrian?

- What are they doing? - I don't know.

- They're gonna hit us. - Get out of the way!

Hey!

What the hell do you think you're doing?

They've ruined the whole sweep!

(roll of thunder)

(# music: "Sky Boat Song")

That's a fact.

Listen, in the old days, when a man transgressed,

you put him in a barrel and slid him down the hill.

- And when a woman transgressed... - Did God Almighty decide the sins?

Or maybe some men with fish eggs for brains acted without thinking?

Don't worry, Laura, your business is safe.

So sabotage makes everything just grand for the community?

What do you know about the community, young lady?

(silence falls)

- Any luck today, Professor? - So, you're the law on the water.

Is that right?

Do you know what happened to me out there today?

Caught a cold, by the sound of it. Very harsh climate in these parts.

Listen up, Scottie.

You've not got some American patsy to play Highland Games with.

I won't be run off by a bunch of tight-fisted weenies in kilts! Got me?

Now, you listen to me, you arrogant young whippersnapper.

The people you are speaking of are the Celts.

Hung the heads of their enemies from the manes of their horses.

You'll never solve the mystery of the loch.

The Creator made it that way and it'll stay that way.

The Chamber of Commerce is behind this racket.

This isn't creation. It's about the economy.

What told you that? Your lenses? Your lights? Your computers?

I'm not a boastful man,

but I know more about these waters than your machines!

I was baptised in them. And I am the keeper of them.

I'll tell you something else. This mystery goes back to St Columba.

He saw it and stated it in the name of Kirk!

Let's see, would that be Captain James T Kirk?

You and your puny machines...

will never destroy 1400 years of mystery.

I'll tell you what.

Come out on the loch tomorrow and you watch me.

- Good morning. - Let's do it.

Fine.

Don't thank us. We liked being here since 4 o'clock this morning (!)

I'm gonna blow this bullshit myth out of the water.

- It's no myth. - Don't start.

Turn the aperture correction down to three, please.

He must be halfway up the loch. I don't think he's found anything.

I've heard he only eats the whites of his eggs.

Never touches the yolk.

- He walks in his sleep, you know. - No!

Aye?

A lot of Americans do that.

And he sleeps in the nude.

Maybe the sonar activity has driven it to the far end.

I mean, maybe we've got it cornered.

End of loch.

End of the Loch Ness monster.

It's over, Adrian.

You wanna know what all that means?

It's time to rewrite your guidebooks, Water Bailiff.

The computer...

The printout showed cracks alongside the loch.

- Something could've hidden in there. - Come on!

If there was a 30-foot dinosaur out there, we'd have seen it.

But too many people have testified. Priests and policemen! 10,000 others!

- You think it's mass hallucination? - I did my job as ordered.

I proved it wasn't there. Signed, sealed and delivered.

So it's over, then? Because you say it is?

What would you know? You couldn't find a dinosaur in a whisky glass!

No, no! You listen to me, Dr Negativity!

You're not fit to shine the shoes of Dr Abernathy!

"You cannot find something you don't want to."

Remember those words? You should, you wrote them nine years ago!

Shit. Hey, let me say something. You wanna yell at me...

- I will yell at you! I'm not finished! - Let me say something.

I've been here, Adrian, I did this.

I'm the guy who blew his reputation chasing Sasquatch, remember?

British Columbia, 1986, you found the tracks!

You still don't get it, do you? I am a joke. I chase looney tunes.

And you think I don't want to find something out there?

If I nailed a dinosaur in Loch Ness, I'd be vindicated a thousand times.

I would have it all back. And more.

But it's not gonna happen. There's nothing here or in British Columbia.

There's nothing unexplained flying in the skies at night.

That is just a wish list, Adrian,

to make us feel there's more to life than the shit we got stuck with.

Believing is not enough.

Don't make the same mistake I did.

- (Laura) Sit down, Izzy. Come on. - It's just not comfortable.

(Laura) You're on cushions, so you should be.

- Are there any napkins? - Tomorrow I'll get some napkins.

- Promise? - I promise.

What else do we have to get? Milk, biscuits.

Potat... Potatoes.

You look sad, Mr Dempsey.

My mummy asked if you want to have dinner with us before you leave.

Would you like to?

This is very nice.

Mr Dempsey...

Isabel said you were expecting me to join you for dinner.

Right. Right, yeah. Of course.

Maybe I misunderstood. Why don't I take this upstairs and...?

No, no. I wouldn't hear of it, honestly.

Is there anything wrong with it? You've hardly touched it.

No, it's wonderful. I just wasn't very hungry.

Mm, mm.

- Have you finished on the loch? - Yeah... Yeah, I've finished.

How come you didn't come on holiday with your wife?

Isabel!

That's all right.

Number one, I'm not on holiday. Number two, I don't have a wife.

- Never? - Izzy!

- No, I did once. - She ran off?

- Yeah. She ran off. - Weren't you nice to her?

Isabel Mary McFetridge!

As a matter of fact, when I wasn't in the jungle I was very nice to her.

I even named a new species after her.

Is that true? What was it?

- A parasitic wasp. - A wasp?

I named it Protus Carolinus.

The resemblance was uncanny.

You laugh now, but that was one very dangerous wasp.

After it stings you, it hires a lawyer.

Ah, well. Pub's open.

Finish up as you like. I'll clean it off later.

Well, yes. Thank you very much.

She's lonely, too.

The winds whistle down the glens at 150 miles an hour.

150...

My Uncle Donald, he had one ear bigger than the other,

and when the winds blew, it would corkscrew him down into the ground.

- Your good health, son. - Good health.

Stuart, same?

Hello there, Adrian. What can I get you?

Nothing, thank you very much. I'm all right.

Could I just say that you are looking particularly lovely this evening?

Thank you.

- Will you marry me? - Oh, no!

Not tonight.

Besides, I make it a rule never to marry anyone who asks me in a bar.

Very wise.

Well, perhaps you wouldn't mind passing these on to Dr Dempsey

to take back to America.

The hotel had a few of Dr Abernathy's...

Of course. But if you want him, he's in the kitchen.

No, thanks. I've had enough of the great and world-famous Dr Dinky.

I have everything you wanted. Photos, printouts, sonar readings.

Yes. I realise that.

I win.

I will see you in Los Angeles tomorrow.

How do you do that? You realise that is twelve in a row?

I tell you what. Here, close your eyes.

I just want to shuffle them up here, so they're a little different.

All right, go ahead, open.

Yeah, that's what I thought. You give up?

You don't have a queen.

- How do you do that? - I saw it in the mirror.

Yeah...

Let me just teach you one more game here, all right?

Here we go. Five cards, pick them up.

No beastie.

No beastie!

(echoes) That's a fact!

(echoes) Dr Dipstick says so!

Fact.

All right, I'll raise you four.

You're bluffing again, Mr Dempsey.

That is a miracle. Absolutely amazing. Good for you.

Look, Mummy. Mr Dempsey taught me how to play poker.

Mr Dempsey says he'll take me to Disneyland some day.

Forget Disneyland, we're going to Vegas, kiddo.

- Bed, please, Izzy. Now. - May I kiss Mr Dempsey goodnight?

You can.

- Goodnight. - Goodnight.

- Thank you for playing with me. - Thanks for taking my money.

- You taught her poker? - Yes... Yeah, I did.

I'm sorry if I did wrong, but do you have any idea

the odds against somebody winning that many times in a row?

She inherited it from her grandmother.

- Grandma was a card shark? - No. The ability to see things.

They call it St Columba's Gift round here.

Yeah. Whatever it is, I could use some.

Her grandmother... she could read tea leaves,

and she could tell you whether your baby would be a boy or a girl.

I didn't inherit it, but little Izzy did.

The only thing I got from my grandmother was bad eyes.

Oh, no. I think you have nice...

What...

What I meant was that I'm far-sighted.

This bag is for you. It has the rest of Dr Abernathy's things in it.

Adrian thought that you could... take it back with you.

- Right. - Goodnight. See you tomorrow.

John.

All right. I'll see you in the morning. Sleep well.

Will you be hurt very much when Mr Dempsey goes home tomorrow?

- Of course not. What a question! - Perhaps he won't go.

Why do you say that?

Because I don't want him to and nor do you.

Isabel, what makes you think that?

You look at him. I've never seen you do that.

Of course I look at him. What else am I supposed to do?

Be pleasant to guests, but don't make them your friends.

- I've told you that before. - Yes, Mummy.

- Now go to sleep, please. - Yes, Mummy.

And stop saying "Yes, Mummy" like that. He's a guest, that's all!

Don't give me that "I know what you're thinking" look.

- He'll stay if you ask him. - Good night.

- Sleep tight. - Don't let the bed bugs bite.

If they do, use dynamite. Mr Dempsey taught me that.

(tapping)

Problem?

Yeah... I don't seem to have the knack.

It has a slight Highlands temperament.

It needs a little encouragement here.

- Need any help? - Air has to be taken out of the pipes.

Can you watch the taps and tell me when the water arrives?

Yeah. Yeah, I can do that. I'm a PhD.

- Yeah, I hear something. - Aye, it's running, touch wood.

Touch wood? Back home, we knock on it.

You'll be leaving us in the morning. Will you be requiring breakfast?

No, thanks.

Well, you know, it's included in the price.

I realise that.

Well, if you want to, you can always change your mind.

- About what? - Breakfast.

Right.

We're going out again. Let's go. Bring your pillow, but let's go.

Tell me, where were you the night Abernathy got himself killed?

- I was at the Moffat Arms. - But he left alone, right?

Aye. He'd had a few malts. He wouldn't let me drive him home.

- But then he wouldn't have seen it. - Seen what?

That is the last photo on his roll.

And that is not the tail of a diving otter.

It's not a vegetable mat. I don't know what it is.

But I tell you something.

My guess is it's part of something very large and very much alive.

- Why do people keep doing this? - Some people don't respect the loch.

They upset the waters.

(Mr Dempsey) Somehow it got by us.

Maybe it's hiding.

What are they?

Salmon.

Look at them all.

You notice anything unusual about them?

Like what?

Like they weren't there yesterday.

Like where the hell did they come from?

Is that more salmon?

You see, that's a separate object chasing the salmon.

Three feet.

- Eel. Could be a conger eel. - Yeah...

No, that's still coming.

No, that's a big vertebrate. Sturgeon, yeah?

- Sturgeon, maybe. - It's still coming.

Oh, my God, that's... That's 17... That's 40 feet long!

Could be a submerged vegetable mat.

Yeah, maybe. No, no, no!

Fire up the strobes.

It's moving this way, towards the surface.

- Where are the damn cameras? - All recording.

- Hold it steady. - It's moving too fast.

It's moving too fast! I've lost it!

(alarm)

15 knots. It's coming straight at us.

Adrian! Help!

Dr Dempsey!

Dr Dempsey!

John!

- Is he dead? - Maybe.

Alive! Alive! He's alive!

I saw it. It's down there. I saw it.

- Good! - I swear...

I swear to God, I saw it! I swear to you, I saw it!

- I gotta get out there again. - Not until you see a doctor.

Oh, my God. It's true, isn't it? You said you'd seen it.

No, I've never seen anything. I was giving you a tourist story.

Well, I have! I've seen it! Oh, God!

I feel like...

(pots and pans crash)

- John! Stop. - Sorry.

Izzy, did you want a drink or something?

Izzy... water. Here we go.

Anyway, that's your basic mouth-to-mouth method.

Good thing that Adrian was up on his life-saving. Help me with this?

Did Adrian kiss you, Mr Dempsey?

You stay right where you are. I'm going to call a doctor.

You don't have to do that.

- Did you see the kelpie? - Yes, I did. I think I did.

- What? - Would you like to see it again?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yes, I do.

Of course I would, yeah.

- Is the entire boat wrecked, Bailiff? - Aye.

Demolished. And all his gear.

- Well, I hope the bugger drowned. - No, he's very much alive.

You'll find him over at Laura's pub, I'm sure.

I'm not drinking at Miss McFrigid's place at present.

She didn't look very frigid to me.

He was sitting there having his dinner,

playing games with the wee lassie just like one of the family.

His equipment may have gone, but there's something keeping him here.

Ah, well.

(Adrian) It's bloody cold out here.

Dr Mercer called about what happened.

I'm sorry, but he's coming over.

To be honest with you, I didn't see something out there today.

I didn't see a monster. I'd like to have.

I couldn't honestly back you up or anything.

It's going to be difficult to do any more without any equipment, isn't it?

- It's not as if... - It's down there!

It's out there. I know it is.

Go away, you charlatans!

Stay away from my monster!

He's not your monster! He's my monster!

I saw him first, you hear me?

My monster!

(phone ringing)

Hello?

Yeah. Dr Mercer, did you say?

Yes, that's right. John Dempsey.

Yes.

I'm sorry, but he left here yesterday.

I said we're closed for the season.

Have you tried the Isle of Skye?

(knocking)

Get up, Yank. Take what's coming to you.

Whoa! Hold on a second. The boat's insured.

It's not the boat, you pillock. You get out of my woman's house!

Your woman? That's great. Think she's sheep or something?

- You thinking of moving in yourself? - Andy, stop it!

- This is between him and me. - Stop it. Don't fight him.

- Me? I'm not fighting anybody. - Shut it, you whore!

- You can't talk to a lady like that. - I'll talk any way I want to.

You know what? Give me your best shot here, Bigfoot.

- Hit him again and I'll deck you! - You wouldn't dare.

Thank you for standing up to him.

The lights went out pretty quick. Did I touch him at all?

Well... Aye, you did. You got a few in.

Now, you stay right where you are. I'll put some comfrey on those cuts.

You're gonna live, John.

Touch wood.

Izzy? What are you doing up?

I made something for Mr Dempsey.

- Night-night. - Night-night.

Dynamite.

That's so sweet.

"The American... very nice.

"Very good-Looking.

"Bought some bonny socks."

(Laura) Laura McFetridge, you're such a scandal.

(roll of thunder)

"Get wel, Dockter Dimzee."

(he coughs)

(coughs)

- Mr Dempsey. - Hi.

I'm sorry if I woke you, I was just... I was on the way to the bathroom.

Oh.

- Do you like my get-well card? - Yeah! Yes, yes.

It's fantastic. It's the perfect elasmosaur.

Right down to the rhomboid frontals, see?

No, Mr Dempsey, it's a water kelpie.

- So this is your kelpie? - It's my friend.

- Are you telling me you saw...? - Aye.

"Aye."

You're laughing at me. You don't believe me. I shouldn't have drawn it.

No, I'm not laughing at you, it's just that...

- I must see it before I can believe it. - No, Mr Dempsey.

You've got to believe it before you can see it.

I believe you.

- And I wanna see it. - Do you?

Yeah. More than anything in the world.

Do you know what I want more than anything else in the world?

A red bicycle.

It's a deal. It's a deal.

It's a secret. You can't tell.

You can't bring Bruce, 'cause he barks.

Wait. Wait for me.

Come on, Mr Dempsey.

Please be quick, Mr Dempsey.

Slow down, slow down! Wait!

Isabel?

Oh, boy.

OK... the joke's over.

Where are you, Isabel?

Holy moley!

(Isabel) Down here.

Great. I'm a grown-up. How am I supposed to fit through that?

- You can hold your tummy in. - Hold my tummy in? Thank you.

This whole country is made for midgets!

Frozen midgets. Jeez!

- That's great. Now I'm stuck. - Please be quick, Mr Dempsey.

"Please be quick, Mr Dempsey"?

(he groans)

This is crazy.

Where'd you go?

Oh, my God. This place is amazing.

Turn the light off. It scares them.

Be very still.

- Where are we? - Listen.

(gurgling)

Sea otters.

Oh, my God.

Sea otters. Water kelpies. Aquatic mustelids.

Come on, Izzy. Let's go.

I've had enough.

(gushing water)

Izzy!

Isabel...

Don't move.

It's OK.

It's all right. I've got you.

He's just playing.

(Isabel whistles)

(whistles again)

(creature responds)

Oh, boy.

(whistling)

No!

No!

No!

(she screams)

Izzy? Izzy!

Izzy!

- Are you OK? - I told you about the lights.

I'm sorry. I...

Damn you to hell.

You had no right.

Oh, no. Come on, come on.

Oh, no.

This can't be.

Come on. Please, please...

Oh, yes! Yes!

Oh, God, yes.

The head! God, yes!

- Bastard! You could've killed her! - What...?

Just for yourself. That's all that matters.

Use people as long as you get what you want.

Using me, I should've known better, but to use a child?

- It wasn't like that. - What? She nearly drowned.

- Laura... - Don't you touch me.

- Don't you dare touch me. - All right, all right.

Look what I have. Come on, look at it.

You've got your precious monster. Got your Scottish souvenir.

- I hope you got your money's worth. - A man's here.

No, I can't.

It's a convergent subspecies.

It's a hybrid of plesiosaur and elasmosaur.

You actually saw this?

Now, wait a minute, John. Hold on a minute.

You're saying that this is a real thing you saw?

No, I don't believe it.

I can't believe it. It's not possible. I don't believe it.

You saw it, didn't you? You did? All right...

I believe it!

I knew it had to be there. I knew there was something.

- You told anyone? - No.

- You sure? - Yeah.

Let's keep it quiet till after the press conference.

I'll call London, have a symposium at the Royal Academy tomorrow.

- You have a suit? - Yeah.

- You have a suit? - No!

Hello...? What is this?

(pips beeping)

- Money. - Hello?

(knocks)

Your bill is in your room. I believe it's as we agreed.

There'll be no extra charge for sex. That's a service I offer all my guests.

- Let me explain. - About what?

- This is crazy. - You've solved your mystery. Leave.

No, I found a colony of prehistoric animals. Look at this.

- They're alive! - I'm very happy for you.

It's not just for me, this is gonna be good for all of us.

Come on, you'll have scientists, marine biologists,

every lab and university in the world will stay here.

When the loch becomes Marine Land with the kelpie performing tricks?

- No. This is science. - How do you stop it?

There'll be ten million nature lovers queuing for a McNessie burger!

You want me to ignore this? To pretend I didn't see this?

- That's up to you. - Come on... Look at this.

- I've waited my entire life for this. - Good.

- You're not even looking at it! - I don't want to look at them!

I don't want to know anything about them.

There's some things that are... meant to be left alone.

I would've thought that you would've understood that.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Where's Isabel?

She doesn't want to see you.

She trusted you, John.

Here, have three drams, laddie,

and you might catch a wee glimpse of the beastie today.

(laughs)

Hi, Izzy.

Why did you do it? You scared it away.

- They'll never come back. - Look... Yes, they will.

I'm sorry, don't be upset. It's not your fault.

- It is my fault. I did wrong. - No, you didn't.

No. See, it's not something that you and I can just keep to ourselves.

- We have to share it with everybody. - Why? I only wanted to show you.

I thought you liked me.

I do like you.

Are you going?

I would do anything not to hurt you.

You gotta believe me, Izzy. It's just that I don't know what...

See, there's...

There's nothing I can do right now.

I know.

Hey, by tomorrow morning,

you just may be the most famous man in the whole world.

I need a drink. You want anything?

I don't drink. I'm gonna take up windsurfing, though.

The Royal Academy's too small. I got the Natural History Museum instead.

No, no. I'm not blowing off Larry King.

I'm saying it's fine if we can do it by satellite. Get the phone!

Hello?

Have another. It's a celebration.

If you're gonna hang my head from a horse's mane, get it over with.

No, sir, I wouldn't do that now.

No, you've beaten the loch.

There's no disputing that.

Savour it, is my advice. May I?

Yes... let's see, 1953 was the first time that I went to London.

I didn't think too much of it.

And I thought to myself

if ever I went back, it would have to be for a very good reason.

We both know why you're here, so let's not play games.

We cannot let the survival of the last specimens of the Ice Age

depend solely on the work of one man, it doesn't make any sense.

Science can take care of them professionally.

- The sad thing is you believe that. - Yes. Yes, I do.

It wasn't exactly science that helped your discovery, was it?

It was a wee girl. Nine years of age.

And wasn't it your precious science that gave us

all this acid rain and pollution and warming air in the first place?

These creatures have survived for 15,000 years without your help.

What makes you think that you're so special?

I...

This is very hard for me.

I'm a proud man.

And I have never asked anybody for anything in my life...

as I'm asking you now.

Don't do this, Mr Dempsey.

Ah, well.

Well, I have a loch to tend to.

Thank you. Safe journey to you.

Is the mystery of Loch Ness finally solved?

The world's media is gathering at the Natural History Museum,

where a new American underwater survey claims to have evidence

of the existence of the Loch Ness monster.

(hum of chatter)

(Mercer) John?

- Let's go. "Lead on, Macduff." - Certainly.

I've seen two miracles now. One is a man rising from the dead.

- It's good to be alive again, Bob. - Nice suit, John.

Thank you, Doctor Binns.

Ladies and gentlemen, good evening.

When I began my expedition to the loch,

it was based only on a hunch.

But so many discoveries have been made

by using a little imagination and... bending the rules.

Like Newton and Galileo.

With this in mind, I asked my colleague, Dr Johnathan Dempsey,

to concentrate his efforts on the scientific enigma of Loch Ness.

I'll ask him now to present you with his findings. Dr Dempsey.

I used to dream about this when I was a kid.

But I have to admit, this is...

much more overwhelming than I thought it would be.

I'd like to say that I wouldn't be here today

if it weren't for the confidence and trust of the architect of this study,

Dr Robert Mercer.

Ladies and gentlemen, the mystery of Loch Ness solved.

Nessasaurus Marus.

(murmurings)

(man) A bit murky.

- Did they balls up the slides? - What's going on?

You're absolutely right. I'm sorry. I apologise.

Ladies and gentlemen... Sit down, Bob. Sit down.

I cancelled dinner for this.

- It's all right. Just a mistake. - I hope so.

When you see this next picture, I hope you ask yourself the question:

- "Where's Waldo?" - Waldo? What's Waldo?

(barrage of questions)

As far as we're concerned, this is purely the Americans.

Who's Waldo? I have no idea who Waldo is!

Listen. The whole thing was a ridiculous hoax. I never saw them.

I had the pictures made up by computer before I even came.

Please...

John, you are either the biggest bloody fool that ever lived,

or you are the biggest bloody fool that ever lived.

Thank you.

Thank you for everything.

- Where are you going? - Home.

Good luck.

(barrage of questions)

He saw the pictures.

Tell Dr Binns about the photos.

What photos would they be, exactly?

Well...?

I'm waiting.

(music: "Will You Go, Lassie, Go")

"Arrietty had not been asleep.

"She'd been lying under her knitted coverlet, staring up at the ceiling.

"It was an interesting ceiling.

"Pod had built Arrietty's bedroom out of two cigar boxes,

"and on the ceiling, lovely painted ladies dressed in..."

- What is it? - There's a car blocking the drive.

Do you realise that you're blocking the drive?

I do now.

Well, what do you intend to do about it?

What would you like me to do about it?

# Oh, the rhythm of my heart is beating like a drum

# With the words "I love you" rolling off my tongue

# No, never will I roam For I know my place is home

# Where the ocean meets the sky I'll be sailing

# Oh, the rhythm of my heart is beating like a drum

# With the words "I love you" rolling off my tongue

# No, never will I roam For I know my place is home

# Where the ocean meets the sky I'll be sailing

# Photographs, kerosene, light up my darkness

# Light it up, light it up

# I can still feel the touch of your thin blue jeans

# Running down the alley I've got my eyes all over you, babe

# Oh, baby

# Oh, the rhythm of my heart is beating like a drum

# With the words "I love you" rolling off my tongue

# No, never will I roam For I know my place is home

# Where the ocean meets the sky I'll be sailing

# I'll be sailing

# Oh, yeah

# Oh, I've got lightning in my veins

# Tripping like a handle on a slot machine

# Love may still exist in another place

# I'm just yanking back the handle No expression on my face

# Oh, the rhythm of my heart is beating like a drum

# With the words "I love you" rolling off my tongue

# No, never will I roam For I know my place is home

# Where the ocean meets the sky I'll be sailing

# Oh, the rhythm of my heart is beating like a drum

# With the words "I love you" rolling off my tongue

# No, never will I roam For I know my place is home

# Where the ocean meets the sky I'll be sailing

# The rhythm of my heart is beating like a drum

# The words "I love you" rolling off my tongue

# Never will I roam For I know my place is home

# Where the ocean meets the sky I'll be sailing

# Mm mm mm... #

Loch ness 1996