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Wake up!

What a beautiful day.

It is!

This republican lot think they'll get rid of the Queen!

But will they bottle it?

They won't get the chance to bottle it.

I mean, I know polls are always wrong, but...

-Always. -They can't be that wrong.

-Republicans are toast! -So, what do we think?

Queen or Republic?

Queen!

I say.

Is one at all worried about Thursday's election, Mummy?

To worry would be political, we are ceremonial.

The PM assures one the Republican finger is not on the electoral pulse.

And yet, there is a perception

we've lost touch with the problems of the common man.

We are not responsible for, but

complicit in the wider problems of society.

Obviously there are inequalities of wealth and privilege...

And opportunity.

But we're not government, we are the crown.

Mere symbols.

This Republican chappie, Jack Barker, he says that symbols matter.

He says that if power is hereditary because

it stays with those from the same schools and universities,

the same families then our hereditary privilege is symbolic of that.

And therefore of injustice and inequality.

He says we're a tainted brand.

You sound like a Republican.

But I'm not allowed to vote, Mummy.

Mummy, sit.

Is it time to flee?

Grab the crown jewels and go on the lam?

Where are the children?

They're with the nanny.

I can't send them to my ex-wife.

She calls her lawyer every time there's a schedule change.

Is she still in Spain? With that waiter?

He's not a waiter, he's a billionaire.

He offered you an aperitif sis.

Swarthy, white shirt, taking drink orders...

Don't send the boys anywhere.

Three words!

Equality, equality, equality!

And we will be getting rid of the Royals!

Some of you think we wont do it.

That we'll chicken out. We won't!

Day one, they're gone!

He is unfathomably popular.

Nothing's changed!

We still believe in tradition, Royalty...

Continuity!

Nothing's changed!

Noth...

Come on Dead Rubber!

Our fate lies with the people of these ancient islands.

We must put our trust in their Great British wisdom and in their good sense.

Polling has been busy and an unusually high turnout is predicted.

Clear blue water!

Our specially commissioned exit poll predicts the government will survive

with a comfortable majority.

Up to a hundrd seats we're saying,

which means that the Queen and the monarchy, are safe.

Good morning It's 6 o'clock on the 15th of October

and we're here with the headlines...

Which are all about yesterday's election.

Carruthers? Hello?

Carruthers, are you there?

Good morning.

It's your Queen.

Bother!

The Prime Minister has conceded defeat and will...

Travel to Buckingham Palace to offer her resignation.

It's not clear if Jack Barker will be asked to form a government

or will just tell the Queen he's forming one.

Do you want me to show you how the heating works?

Don't you mean 'congratulations'?

I'd offer you a lift to the palace, but I don't want to.

What are you gonna do about the minimum wage Prime Minister?

Prime Minister, what about minimum wage?

Sorry again Ma'am.

What a mess!

Do you think we'll be alright, Prime Minister?

Well, I've had a couple of calls from the City

and I'll do a book of course...

Do you know what the Royals rely on when they meet ordinary people?

Er... mouthwash and bodyguards?

The magical aura of history sending them daft with nerves.

Not me, son.

I'm Jack bloody Barker!

I've got a massive majority and a mandate to create a Republic.

I am history!

You won't say that in public, will you?

Why the bloody hell not?

Royals always have sang froid, even when being butchered by Republicans...

Auntie! Inappropriate!

Mummy, sit.

Very well.

How does a civilised nation get rid of its unwanted royals?

Not exile. Please! My French is bloody awful.

Bloody and awful is another option.

-Where's your balcony? -Why?

-Are you going to throw us off? -Not you.

But the public love us.

All of us.

Even the dull ones.

They'll come round. This isn't over.

No, it is over.

We are no longer the Royal Family

and we will not attempt to regain the Crown.

I hope that is clearly understood.

Mr Barker has laid down some rules...

You're going to live like common people.

You're going to see a different part of the country.

The real part.

You'll be under loose house arrest.

No contacting all the old toffs who've kept you in power and out of bother.

No letters, no phone calls, no gatherings of more than four people...

What?

I can't go on a little visit?

And chat to my pals?

-But that's all you do. -I know!

How will I live?

You'll have modest homes, state benefits,

kids'll go to a normal school...

Is Eton normal?

Tell me, Mr Barker, how will the country work without a monarchy?

-Who will open Parliament? -Who cares?

You've campaigned against the monarchy your whole life

and you haven't a plan to replace us?

The people have spoken.

And what they've said is stupid and disastrous.

They're gonna be listened to.

What if they change their mind?

Tough.

Too late.

Take yours and pass it on.

What's this?

-New identities? -Addresses, keys, some money.

A 'not at all welcome' pack.

My God! Look at them! They're enormous!

-They're going to eat us! -They're our neighbours.

And they've kindly formed a welcoming party.

Hello.

Have you been waiting long?

-I live 'ere. -So kind of you to welcome us.

Hello. Have you been waiting long?

We're not waiting.

We're seeing why police have blocked off our close!

It's so kind of you to welcome us.

Now we know! You lot!

It's hard enough living here without a load of parasites moving in!

So get back on your bus and clear off!

-Alright? -Go on!

We don't want ya!

Move it!

Spongin' sods!

I want to go home!

I'm afraid, this is, dear...

This is... home.

This appears to be yours, mummy.

Well, we put up with worse during the war.

If there's a television and a drinks cabinet it'll do me very nicely.

Come now.

We could have a veg patch.

Er herbs, carrots, sprouts,

courgettes cauliflowers, potatoes... turnips!

Please stop shouting vegetables, Daddy!

-Are we poor? -Poor?

There's a van coming with my paintings.

Lithographs of mine have sold for hundreds.

Lithographs! Imagine how much the originals will go for?

Chaps, I do understand,

big changes, missing mumma, divorce never easy, etcetera etcetera.

Daddy, doesn't Mummy do the feelings chats?

Yes, but I thought I'd have a stab...

No thank you.

We'll wait.

It's stuck fast!

Ask them to help.

Go on!

Erm... Excuse me?

My sister and I can't get in.

I rather think we might need an axe.

Do you have one we could borrow?

We don't know.

What is an ix?

An axe? You don't know what an axe is?

How silly are you?

That's most kind.

Tony Threadgold. My wife, Bev.

We know who you are.

Dear...

I say!

Would you mind terribly unloading our furniture?

I think you've misinterpreted our role, sir.

But you chaps have always been jolly helpful in the past?

Jog on, big lugs!

What? What the...

I've a good mind to report you!

Our furniture's too big.

A little man called 'Spiggy' said he'll squeeze it in if you pay him.

Well, you know I never carry money.

There's fifty pounds in your pack.

So you have fifty pounds too?

She bought gin.

She bad girl.

Well,

can't promise it'll be totally up to snuff like

but I'll gerrit in and that's main thing, innit?

Snufflike?

Is that a word?

It'll go in, it just won't be brand spankin'.

And do I want that?

I dunno. Do ya?

Away we go then!

I see your house is perfectly dreadful too.

And getting more so!

Need any furniture cutting to size?

I measured it. It fits exactly.

Are you a con man?

No, I'm Spiggy. I do odd jobs.

I do my own odd jobs.

-I could help you unload then? -Do I look incapable?

No...

The opposite.

Very perceptive. May I borrow this?

Thank you for all your efforts today.

Love these new tenners, me.

Because I've been replaced by the Tolpuddle Martyrs?

Who?

Never heard of 'em.

It's just that they roll thicker.

Makes you feel richer.

The Prime Minister Jack Barker is here.

-Good morning Prime Minister. -Good morning, Dave.

Parliament was opened yesterday

by the House of Commons longest serving tea lady.

-Is that appropriate? -Entirely.

We understand tradition and will continue to use

unelected women in their sixties for ceremonial functions.

That's a little harsh on the Queen isn't it?

Walking slowly and reading out loud isn't as special...

Hello.

Bev isn't it?

I'm sorry for calling round so early but I wondered if...

Yearly?

In the morning?

You heard we were up through wall!

Er, we appear to have no electricity.

I wondered if this was normal?

Does your card need topping?

You put cash on this at the shop.

They don't send a bill to your estate manager?

What delightful children.

Are they yours?

Are they away at school?

No, of course not.

Where are they?

Staying with family...

Some big mouth'll tell her.

They're in care.

They got took off us and we've done nothing.

-Nothing! -That is distressing...

But I do know that the authorities take great care in these matters.

I'm sure they had their reasons.

And never come 'ere again!

I say! Who's that heavenly gal?

-You mean Bev? -Bev...

Bev!

Celestial trumpets couldn't beat that sound.

She's married. And aggressive.

Well err... Could you take the boys to school, please, Mummy?

I've got that Spiggy cove coming over to fix Gran' ma'ma's television set.

I bought it last night, it doesn't bally work!

Don't let him cut it in half.

Cooey!

I saw you peeping.

I wondered if you'd care to come round for tea?

I know you, lady.

You're a drinker and a gambler.

That's a very partial summary.

I don't hold with Godless living.

Until recently my daughter was head of the church.

Not my church, she wasn't.

Come on.

-A very good morning to you. -Get stuffed.

Good morning.

Hi Julie.

Hey, dinner money.

Now!

You could ask those boys to show you around.

I think we'll find our own way.

Come on.

Look at her.

Dignity and decorum, sis!

One thinks one's starving.

-Do you have any money? -No.

Why?

You surely didn't spend all your money on gin?

Trish Welling, Social Worker!

Very pleased to meet you!

I saw ya!

I saw you, Welling!

Tony may or may not be another of my many clients, confidential.

Did you take away his children?

Come out Welling! We're innocent!

Innocent!

Sorry for me files, can't leave owt in the car round here.

Got fifty more cases than I'm supposed to have.

We're all run off our feet.

Would you care for some tea?

Ooh, go on.

Spitting feathers I am.

Actually, there's no electricity.

Or milk.

Or tea.

If you're so over worked, why do I need a social worker?

Three good reasons there.

Doesn't really sound like you're coping, does it, luv?

I am no longer your Queen.

I am merely a subject of the...

private person.

Could someone please help me?

I know you.

-No... Don't, don't tell me... -I've already told you.

Now please show me what to do.

Well, take a ticket.

Wait.

Afternoon. Afternoon.

-I'm Violet. -Well, pleasure to meet you.

Are you stuck-up like your mum an all?

No! No, I'm jolly friendly.

I'm just like you... Lot!

Perhaps you'd like to come round for some tea?

Yeah. Tea.

Come here!

Hello boys! How was school?

Rather challenging.

Socially not intellectually.

We're going to try a change of approach.

-Muck in a bit! -Good show!

Me too! Right ho ladies, follow me back to mine!

And nobody respects the British people more.

I told them what I was going to do,

they asked me to do it and I'm going to do it!

Here here!

There's one thing this lot don't like, it's somebody who keeps their word!

And there's more to come.

I'm gonna end poverty and inequality...

and sadness!

Guy's crazy.

Someone told me he's even on about getting rid of Queen.

It's unbelievable!

This office will be closing in five minutes.

-What's going on? -Five minute warning.

Pointy elbow time.

Excuse me...

Come on...

Excuse me... Excuse me, please!

I require an emergency payment.

My social worker told me this is the place to apply...

Press. The. Button. To. Speak.

I require an emergency payment.

I've no food or power and I need money now.

Two or three thousand should be sufficient.

If you're eligible you'll get a few quid in five working days.

Where are you going?

Come back! I've no money! I've no food!

I'm starving! The dog's starving!

There you go, luv.

For the hound.

She said she'd never seen such a field full of nubbins...

What od you expect if you're trying to grow asparagus in November?

Erm...

Hello. It's Bev, isn't it?

I'm having these chaps round for tea.

Gonna show off il giardino.

Perhaps you'd care to join?

He's a gent, int he?

My Tony better watch out!

This gathering is more than four people and, therefore, illegal.

-I'm ordering you to disperse! -What gathering?

-We're having tea! -Yeah, sod off!

Are you gonna make us?

This is our close, we do what we want!

No! You do what I say!

Surely officer you're exceeding your legally designated powers?

Yeah! What he said!

Argh! Actually, that rather hurts!

Mummy! Help! I've been arrested.

There were more protests today, with public sector workers

demanding the pay rises promised during the general election campaign.

Boo all you like. I've already started.

Jack Barker said he'd appreciate a bit less whinging and whining

as it distracted him from some very complicated number juggling.

I know it's not your fault,

but I usually do better than a cup of cold water.

I know you're in there! We need your help!

I'm still without power and food.

-Bless. -And I'm worried about my son.

Course you are.

Come and see us!

We need to talk!

They seem like reasonable, ordinary people.

I'm minded to write to your department

requesting they look again at the Threadgold's case.

Please don't!

We're snowed under. I've got a post bag this big!

Aaah... Look at these two!

So much bigger than the photo I saw of them this morning.

Have you seen the papers?

-I can't afford tea let alone... -You and yours are never out of them.

I'll love you and leave you!

Bye boys!

Good news boys.

Your father's getting bail.

He's going to be let out for a bit.

-Aren't you pleased? -He got tazered.

That's impressive.

I can show what happened.

That won't work.

No one's gonna believe Daddy's a real criminal type.

We have to think of something new to stop the bashings.

Early polls are mixed-ish.

No one thinks we can afford your reforms

and they regret losing the monarchy, 60/40.

How's the pound?

Er it's worth about 6p of pre election value.

And all the rich people have scarpered to dodge tax.

Prime Minister? Are you okay?

Our country's special.

We punch above our weight.

If we can sell the railways and water companies to foreigners,

we can sell other things too.

Get me a list!

Everything we've got!

We're going to sell, sell, sell and spend, spend, spend!

It's me from next door!

I'm extending the hand of friendship.

I've got the pipes an' that.

-Still want it doing? -Yes! Come in.

Come in.

I... I... I... I don't like being on my own.

I wondered if you'd care to take tea with me?

We've met before.

You came to Jamaica when I was a girl.

I gave you some flowers,

-wore a yellow dress? -How lovely.

I don't expect you to remember me.

I remember your husband.

Yes. So young.

He hated being king.

My husband would have loved it!

You're entertaining, I'll come back later.

Let me introduce you first.

This is Philomena.

Jolly nice to meet you.

Have you come to the correct address?

Er... I've been doing some work for Philomena.

Is she still...

Shall I let in...

-What's your name? -Spiggy.

Spigg-ay?

Yes, please.

You're approved.

All done.

Best get on, mad busy me.

I'll go and inspect it.

Psst, psst, psst!

Would you be a betting man?

Dog's Breath to win in the three thirty.

Could you put it on for me?

She don't like that kind of stuff...

Philomena's a delight.

But you know, when you get to my age, it's very hard to change.

Mum's the word?

Keep your distance.

Gosh.

Like an unbroken stallion that one.

I see why you wanted support.

Sorry.

Everywhere I go I bump into you looking awkward and going red.

You're not, attracted to me, are you?

Thinking of asking me out? Something like that?

Well...

Are you busy...

-tonight? -I suppose one rather invited that.

Very well. Seven o'clock! Don't be late!

Boys?

Boys? What's going on?

Where are your clothes?

-Traded 'em, innit. -Had to, gran-man.

When you live on the street you gotta blend in or die.

Fill me?

I think this is probably what normal people call a phase.

We weren't allowed one.

Again?

Are you trying to move in?

I erm...

Think I left me wallet.

You are a careless man, Spiggy!

I don't know why anyone employs him.

It's must be because he's local!

And they can't think of anybody else.

I've just remembered...

Glove compartment.

Sorry for disturbance, ladies!

You should see someone about that.

I've let in another visitor!

Let me introduce my friend, Philomena.

How nice to have a friend.

I'll... I'll call again soon.

Mummy.

I've never felt so wretched.

I'm lonely and poor.

This really is the most depressing existence.

Only if you let it be.

Yes.

You're quite right.

Go and stand by the fire.

Look behind the clock.

Help yourself to one.

Mummy.

Don't be ridiculous!

Hey, you!

Queen! Yeah, you!

-Are you alright? -No, I need help.

God, you'll have to do. Come on.

Quick!

Hang on there.

You're doing really well sweetheart. Really well.

My gosh!

She should be in hospital, surely?

Really? You think so?

We rang for an ambulance four hours ago. They're not coming.

She's got me. And you.

Well come on then! Show some gumption!

I do know what the situation requires!

What are you doing?

A girl's having a baby.

They really are too disgusting!

I think you're being very brave.

Very brave indeed.

It's coming.

Yes! You're dilating.

Blow hard.

-She's right. -Follow me.

And again...

That's it!

This was Queen Victoria's christening blanket.

-Perhaps you'd like it? -You're kidding?

That was one of my names if it was a girl.

-Really? -Yeah.

That settles it.

I'm going for it.

This is...

Queenie!

Hello Queenie!

Do you know, one of mine came that quick.

I mean, they managed to get me to hospital

but I was still on the trolley when she came out.

Really?

Is that it?

After what we've just been through?

What happens, is now

you tell me something personal about you, you stuck-up cow!

You've got such a rod up your backside!

How dare you!

You've been nothing but rude to me since I arrived here!

You snob!

Do you think I want to live like this?

Do you think I want to offend you?

I don't understand your rules!

I don't know what I'm doing, you stupid woman!

Hark at her.

Not so cold blooded after all are ya?

Don't be ridiculous!

Super evening.

I wont miss cutting ribbons or...

Shaking hands with dictators.

Or The Royal Variety Perfomance.

But I did like the Christmas message.

Mainly, one misses having a purpose.

That's what everyone round here misses.

Violet...

I've heard about Tony and Bev's children...

I don't believe they did anything.

-No one does. -Good.

That's what I think too.

Now, one needs another drink.

-Cheers. -Cheers.

What is it?

It's my pension.

I have money.

Kon'Pchiwa anata no sugureta!

Nanika autosaki shimasuka.

Yes!

Tower Bridge is still available.

They want us to throw in Hull.

-The bridge in Hull? -No, Hull.

You've got a deal!

Russian, Russian, quick!

Sorry, I've got someone on the other line...

Dobry viejar Premjer!

What can I do you for...

The Houses of Parliament?

With MPs or without...

A hotel, nice.

While you're on, can I interest you in a painting?

Statue?

No, not art and that.

Great!

And this house will move to a more democratic venue.

Leicester Leys Leisure Centre car park!

It's damp in here.

That is not helping!

We need to get you moved.

No, I'm staying put.

I'm really feeling very much better. Stop fussing.

Do you think she's better?

No.

-That's that man. -Real job.

Decreasing pensions and benefits.

Spending more on schools and hospitals and prisons!

Here, here.

-They've dropped the charges. -Goodness!

-What a relief! -Not yours, mate.

They've upped yours to GBH on a copper.

Really? Is that serious?

Very, actually. Very serious.

Did you find a lawyer who does legal aid?

Yah. Erm... That chap there.

-He went to a very good school. -Like you did?

Yes...

It's a very weak case.

Can hardly believe they've taken it to court.

But take it they have!

Why haven't I been called as a witness?

I used to be Queen.

Surely that could count for something?

Yes. It could count against us!

Trust me! I know what I'm doing!

Let battle commence.

Let's close the walls up with our English dead!

I think you're in excellent hands.

I was then faced with a large and angry mob

making hostile gestures and using factory language.

I engaged the aggressors

in a non-confrontational and placatory manner

as per my police training

whereupon the accused shouted

'Kill the pigs!

' and 'You can't kettle me!'

It's not true.

I did no such thing!

I'd never use kettle as a verb!

Silence in court!

Go on, officer.

The accused then put me in a half nelson

and smashed my head on the pavement, causing dizzy spells and PTSD.

I believe that if it wasn't for my taser I would be dead.

Objection!

On what grounds?

Your witness, Mr Livingstone-Chalk.

WPC Ludlow,

could you tell the court how many people saw this vicious assault on you?

All ten Police Officers who have been called

as witnesses will say exactly the same thing.

Ex-actly.

And how many witnesses will say it did not happen?

-I don't know... -"I don't know"?

No. Those would be your witnesses.

My witnesses?

Court's adjourned for ten minutes

for m'learned friend's pretend heart attack.

Okay, pulled a fast one, think I got away with it...

No. You really didn't.

She was pretty convincing.

I believed her.

How about changing your plea to guilty?

Certainly not!

Everything that woman said was a complete fabrication.

It's your job to show that.

I mean, if you change your plea you might not go to prison.

There are twelve jurors, straight and true out there.

I trust them to treat me fairly.

And I trust that when I look them in the eye,

they will see the sincerity of my plea!

And have no choice in their hearts than to find me innocent.

Guilty!

Really?

You have been found guilty of GBH on a police officer...

Shameful!

-Shame on you! -You're a filthy Trot!

Silence in court!

One more word and I'll have you up for contempt!

Make that utter contempt!

Clear the court!

A despicable crime which rightly earns a very severe sentence.

Against this, you are of a previously good character,

you are unlikely to offend again

and prison sentences of less than a year have been proven

totally ineffective.

I sentence you to twelve years in prison!

Take him down!

You're a disgrace!

-You should be banned from the bench! -Mummy?

Water the garden!

The Governor of the Bank of England?

And you let him in?

I sorry, Mr Barker, he out!

Lemme in! I saw you, Barker.

And that's racist! You're a lunatic!

You've banjaxed the economy...

Get back to your ledgers, pointy head!

I'm the good guy!

I'm building schools and hospitals

and airports No, not airports, community centres!

I've got lots of plans!

Lots of plans!

You won't know what's hit you!

Barker, lemme in!

Barker! Barker! Barker!

Spiggy? You've got a horse.

No, you've got a horse.

It's for you.

I think it's a she.

Strip.

Bend over.

God, Gordonstoun all over again.

We must campaign!

This is a monstrous injustice!

-And we need to tell mummy. -Sorry, I don't do 'bad' news.

I don't want to either.

Why is everything left to me?

Come on Mummy!

You like being in charge.

You're even taking over in this dreadful place.

Yes, she is.

And she's become all working classy, screeching and emotionally incontinent.

She even touched my hand yesterday?

My hand?

Have you actually gone mad?

One finds I find letting myself go mitigates the indignities.

-Piffle! -How would you know?

You've never held back from anything.

You've been completely indulged in every aspect of your life.

You've sacrificed nothing! You've worked at nothing!

Daddy always said you'd mess your life up

and he's been proven completely right!

What's going on?

I heard a scream?

It's nothing.

Are you alright?

Yeah.

Being arrested has made it even harder for me to get my kids back.

Apparently shows I'm violent.

-I wasn't even charged! -Bev?

I'm sure you've both been excellent parents.

Excellent.

I couldn't even keep 'em with us.

Try and drink a little bit.

You're very kind.

-We need to call the doctor now. -Please don't.

I'm 92. There's no cure for old age.

-You want me to fetch anyone? -No.

Please stay with me.

Don't leave me on my own. Please?

Stay with me.

Your Majesty!

Can't...

tell you how giddy we all feel!

If there's anything, anything at all

that I can do to make your stay here more comfortable, please ask.

Well, I have rather missed my valet.

Having to prepare one's own toothpaste,

warming one's own lavatory seat, it's all rather a bore.

Someone close to my rooms would be just perfect.

I won't come in.

I get a little bit erm...

oooh! in tight spaces.

Sorry, we couldn't find a single but

here there's no openly violent or mentally ill cell mates, so...

Silver linings! Erm...

Carlton.

-Oswald. -Right.

We've got a rota for the exercise area.

-Where's that? -You're standing in it.

And the bog.

We were gonna put up a curtain.

And then we didn't.

Right.

Don't worry.

It gets worse.

Your daughter is here.

Thank you for coming.

I've some rather bad news...

-The prison news? -Yeah.

Philomena read it from the paper.

She also says that people want us back.

-So they say. -Well, keep trying.

Sometimes the hard times can be the best times...

They were for me.

Until now...

You!

What do the polls say?

Still erm up and down.

-Mainly down. -What about her?

-Do they want her back? -Yes.

They want her back.

And they, they hate you!

It's all gone wrong!

We've sold everything!

We're going backwards!

We're gonna end up in the stone age by this time next year.

Stone.

Stonehenge!

We forgot to sell Stone-bloody-henge!

The Yanks'll love it!

Hello Mr Pres.

No, not an emergency.

More of an opportunity.

Have you ever heard of Stonehenge?

Henge?

Mainly, it's just boring.

I'm not bored.

Only boring people get bored.

Not everyone can read cookery books twenty three hours a day.

It'd take a longer stretch than this to get

through Madjur Jaffrey's Veggie Indian I tell ya.

Some people memorise the Bible.

He does cookbooks.

-It's a gift. -I've got a gift.

Lucky man. What's your gift?

Art! I'll draw you both.

Have you seen buses?

A quid flat fare!

That's Jack Barker for ya!

Apparently, he does what he says.

Next time we get on a bus I'm gonna treat you.

I'll say, 'Two, please!

For the Queen and I!

Oi!

-You're wanted down the station. -Me?

Yeah.

Your lads have smashed the bus shelter.

Bunked off school an all.

S'not your fault they're wrong'uns.

Lucky you think that, your Dexter was with 'em.

Your Royal Highness!

I see you got the food that I ordered!

Yum!

Looks grand that.

Erm... If you'd like to follow me, sir,

you have a phonecall and you can use my office!

You can use my chair. Make yourself at home.

And er...

I'll be outside if you need me.

Hello? Her Majesty's horrible Victorian prison?

The boys have been arrested for vandalising a bus shelter.

Bloody Nora!

Chips off the old block?

How is prison life?

You know, it's not too different to the close.

But er

I am having a little trouble with the Governor...

His special treatment is making me rather unpopular.

I'll speak to Mr Barker.

How you doing, luv?

I'm very tired.

My mother's not been well,

my son's in prison, the boys have become gangsters...

Hold on!

We're gonna need tea for this.

Can I do the honours?

You can.

Bev! Tony!

You're in the clear!

Your children have brittle bone disease!

It wasn't your fault!

It wasn't your fault!

This was unopened.

-It's only just arrived. -Get the children home!

-I was gonna do it today. -I'm coming, Bev!

You need to come.

Your mother is leaving us.

I've just heard.

Sorry, old stick.

I was with her when she went...

Steady on, Ma.

Steady on.

Regulations 4-9...

something or other,

death of inmate's relative protocols.

They told me off for being nice to you.

In line with said protocols you've been granted leave to attend the funeral.

I'm so sorry!

Prisoner dismissed.

No way I'd come back. Leg it.

Yeah, man. Whoosh!

Head for the hills.

Well, I suppose the children will be in Spain.

I have always dreamed of living in Scotland, wild and free.

Selling my paintings...

Or vegetables?

Yeah, I suppose you could sell veg.

No, I'd much rather sell my...

Don't you like my art?

Yes mate. You better tell that too.

I mean swirly eyebrows and that...

Be up on my wall mate. Pukka.

Great snakes!

Nobody likes my art.

They only bought it cos I was Prince of Wales.

My. Gosh!

I do really like the one of me.

Although, it don't look nothing like me.

You've made me look fat in my one.

Well...

Fare thee well.

Don't even think about doing a runner.

I'll be watching.

See you later.

You're toxic and everyone regrets getting rid of the monarchy, 80/20.

There's nothing left to sell!

I don't know what to do...

We need... a miracle!

Jack Barker, Prime Minister.

How lovely to hear from you, comrade chairman...

You want... What?

I'd like to thank you all...

So much for coming.

And I'm very grateful for your help with the funeral

and the celebration tomorrow.

My mother had a very good life.

She did exactly as she pleased and wanted for nothing.

A charmed life.

Apart from one respect,

she lived through one of the worst wars the world has ever experienced.

And yet, when she talked of that war

she spoke of it as the most moving and significant event of her life

because of the sense of community created by the chaos and hardship.

Since moving to this estate

I've understood what she meant.

Life here is hardship and chaos

and yet the courage and kindness I have seen has inspired me more than...

I'd like to thank you

for all you've done for me.

And my mother.

She loved her life and her family.

And we loved her...

Thank you.

Thank you.

Aah, great send off. Well done.

Listen, I think my Dexter might have been in your place.

Now he wouldn't nick owt but I think he might have borrowed a hat or two.

Excuse me.

Hello Mummy.

-Help me get rid of him. -Yes, it really is terribly sad.

-I'll see what I can do. -Thank you Mummy.

Hands again.

-What have I done now? -Nothing.

Actually, I have done something.

I listened to you and I've taken a position.

-What're you doing? -I'm at that delightful little off

licence with the metal shutters.

It's pure heaven!

I need your special skills.

I got your beer.

I got your pony nuts.

Are these...

You must be so pleased to be home with your excellent parents.

May I?

Lovely.

You know, they said my mother made the best gin and tonics in London

but I think mine are the superior tipple.

What do you think?

It was the least I could do.

Would you excuse me?

Come as quick as you can.

You know I'm going to miss you terribly.

Be good for your mother, teach her boyfriend English and manners.

Need to be tooled up if you's on the run.

Uzi? Glock?

Whatev's.

Where's the prisoner?

Goodbye Mummy.

I'll be in touch when I can.

Do you think I could ask Bev to come with me?

She's just been reunited with her children.

And she's happily married.

So not a good idea then?

'Allo, 'allo, 'allo?

Goodbye boys.

Run, Daddy, run!

Leg it, gangsta!

Don't ever stop running brave.

Go Daddy!

All units... Prisoner is running away!

Repeat! The prisoner is running away!

Oi! He's this way!

They're after my boy!

Stop them!

The prisoner's escaping!

Come on! Let's have...

Put down the cup!

He's gone down the alleyway. Come on, shift yourselves!

Come on!

Get in! Get in!

Hoorah!

Thank you!

Thank you!

I love you all!

I love you all!

I have secured a loan

which will bankroll United Kingdom Province

for the next twenty years!

Twenty years of prosperity and social progress!

Obviously, there's a cost.

We will now share sovereignty with our friends in China.

Xie xie!

And to seal the deal and to satisfy public demands

I would like to announce the reinstatement of the monarchy!

We want you back.

The country wants you back. Needs you.

The Chinese won't accept anyone else.

They want the real deal you

or the deal's off!

It's like that, is it?

Very well.

We want you!

Only you know what to do! Please!

Please!

Pleeeeasse come back!

For your country, for the church, for your family, for you!

We want our monarchy back!

Please?

It's only when an institution isn't there that one sees its worth.

Mr Barker, this puts me in a very difficult position.

As one rather feels

one has become...

a Republican.

As you sit with your families this Christmas,

many of you may feel our country has become a laughing stock

through a self-inflicted act

that has done great harm to our standing in the world.

Although my own family has suffered greatly,

I see it quite differently.

I have been impressed and humbled

by the spirit and attitude of my fellow citizens.

This new, sympathetic, understanding of widely differing views and values

has made me see that there is more to unite us than to divide us...

And with this in mind,

I would like to wish you all

a very merry Christmas.

Cut!

Suits you.

Merry Christmas everybody.