All language subtitles for The.Goldbergs.2013.S10E11.WEB.x264-TG.Hi

Adult Adam: Back in the
'80s, I was a creative force.

I directed mini-blockbusters...
I'll fix it in post.

Starred in school plays,

and wrote masterpieces
late into the night.

But that changed
when I got a job.

I was a singing waiter
at a '50s diner,

which meant my only
creative outlet was this.

Together: ♪ On the islands,
there's no ifs, ands, or buts ♪

♪ We're gonna get coconuts ♪

Yeah, it was the
same song and dance,

but I gave it my all...

[ Alarm blaring ] every day.

♪ We're gonna get coconuts ♪

Every single day.

♪ Coconuts ♪

Like every one of them.

♪ ...conuts ♪

Even my mom saw the
light dying in my eyes,

so she did what always worked...

Inspired me with
a grand purchase.

Beverly: Surprise!

I bought you Apple's
first portable computer.

Portable? That looks huge.

Oh, it's only 16
barely-back-breaking pounds.

You can take it anywhere as
long as you stretch first.

And isn't that
incredibly expensive?

Big time, but with this, you'll
open doors to your imagination.

PC World called it,
"Powerful and cumbersome."

I think I'm all set. Nonsense.

You need to get back to your
real passion... writing.

Let me just turn
this on for you.

[ Computer chirps, whirs ]

Ah, listen to all
that metal working.

Yeah, I'm just
not really feeling

the juices flowing today, so...

Then let Mama be your muse.

Drink me in and then write about

the white-hot love
I bring out in you.

You certainly elicit a response.

Then put me in a script.

You could pen the sequel to
"Throw Momma from the Train."

Only this time, keep
her on the train.

What a fun idea.

You start hacking away at
that, while I run upstairs

and put the finishing
touches on giving up.

Schmoo, come back!

This thing can go anywhere.

Oh.

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless, I
feel the need to say ♪

- - Captions by VITAC...

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps
getting clearer every day ♪

It was January 11,
1980-something,

and Erica was meeting
with her new mom group.

So, after I switched
nipple creams,

he finally latched
onto me, no problem.

Oh, if parenthood has
taught me anything,

it's that there is a
cream for everything.

[ Laughter ] Yep, creams.

There's so much excitement
in those little tubes.

Oh, Barb, by the way,
how are your hemorrhoids?

Yeah, I'm not really
comfortable right now.

Oh, how rude of me.

I didn't even offer you a pillow
to sit on to ease the pain.

I, too, have bottom
issues, so, you know.

O-kay, any other
topic of conversation?

I've got one.

Anyone else sensing the dynamic
of our mom group is a bit off?

I know exactly what
you mean, Cynthia.

I'm not sure you do.

Diane was supposed
to be on snack duty,

and here I am with nary
a Fig Newton to chew on.

Oh, look at the time.

Yeah, I think I've
gotta go, too.

But we just got started.

Should we talk about next week?

Maybe a wine bar? I
pour a heavy Grigio.

Erica, it's time to
have that conversation.

Okay, well, bye,
Barb. Bye, Trish.

What's this conversation
everyone's saying we're due for?

Barbara: Bye, Erica. [ Door
closes ] Look, sweetie...

Is it about Trish's
postpartum night sweats?

'Cause maybe don't overshare
so much, girlfriend.

Gosh, I'm so glad
we have this group

to make us feel not so alone.

Yeah. Can you take the
baby for her nap, please?

Diaper and nap duty in
one day? Sign me up!

Ha-ha! Your husband ruined
your dumb lady group.

Did you make yourself
a campfire treat?

The microwave makes the
marshmallows crazy sticky,

much like the situation
you find yourself in.

I know. It's a mom group,
and he's not a mom.

Figure it out, my guy.

Blech! 12 s'mores
is one too many.

But I just don't have
the heart to tell him

that no one wants him here.

Maybe you can?

Well, I'd happily break his
heart into a million pieces,

but you asked me, so
now I don't wanna.

Come on. Just take him
to hang with the JTP.

Well, it is Andy
Cogan's birthday.

Yes, do that.

She went right down.

Barbara's intermittent rocking
technique totally helped.

I can't wait to tell
everyone at our parent group.

Mom group.

As Erica wanted to
get rid of Geoff,

my mom was about to take in
some real drama at school.

I bring news.

Ms. Cinoman is taking
a leave of absence

to produce her one-woman show,

"Loneliness: A Love
Story With Myself."

I read an early draft.

One of the characters was wine.

She's a giant mess.

But the immediate issue
is the Winter Gourd Fest.

These Quakers will really
celebrate anything.

We have no one to direct
our musical program.

I have the perfect solution.

Uh, my son is in a creative rut,
but it's been well-documented

that he's a genius in
all things entertainment.

Not so fast. My
production of "Oklahoma!"

inspired the school's newspaper
cleverly worded review

"OK is Okay."

Well, the choice is clear.

It's Adam, and nobody
else wants the job.

I can do it. I spent
four years studying

at the Royal Academy of
Dramatic Art in London.

Adam accepts.

And I absolutely adore gourds.

Plus, I minored in theater,
which is a major accomplishment.

You are all way more
qualified than I imagined.

Yeah, but it's gonna be
my Schmoo, or so help me,

I will burn this school to
ashes with all of you in it.

I withdraw. Not worth it.

I have no doubt she would do it.

Ah! Yay! My boy
earned his place,

and all of you support him.

And just like that, I
was back at William Penn.

Only problem was it was
under very false pretenses.

And here we are.

Adam: I don't understand.

Why would Alyssa Milano
want to meet me here?

I lied. But congratulations!

You're the new director
of Winter Gourd Fest.

You may thank and kiss me now.

Mom, I appreciate the thought,

but I've always hated
Winter Gourd Fest.

It's by far my least favorite
of the four annual gourd shows.

But here you can immerse
yourself in the dramatic arts

without having to take
orders for cheese fries.

I don't know.

I have Tuesday and Thursday
afternoons off, I guess.

He said yes. He said yes!

Don't make it seem like
a marriage proposal.

How many kids signed
up to audition?

Too many to count on one finger.

Let's see what
we're working with.

Turns out, a pretty mixed bag.

♪ I'm just a gourd ♪

♪ A lonely, lonely gourd ♪

♪ A butternut squash
who longs to be adored ♪

Thank you.

I'm doing it. The doctors
were wrong about me.

Thank you.

♪ I take my scythe
and I cut the wheat ♪

♪ And I bring it home,
and the wheat, I eat ♪

♪ And it tastes so sweet ♪

♪ And I think that's neat ♪

♪ That wheat would
taste so sweet to eat ♪

Thank you.

While I had my work
cut out for me,

Barry was working on getting
Geoff back in the JTP.

JTP reunited with Geoff.

Together: JTP
reunited with Geoff!

Hey, what's with the video tape?

Oh, Muriel rolled over,
and I got it on film.

Should we ask the bartender
to play it on that TV?

I will! She said, "No."

We are gathered here to
support the birth of Andy Cogan

by watching his favorite
sport, ladies wrestling.

Is this "GLOW," the "Gorgeous
Ladies of Wrestling" from TV?

No, this is PLOW...

The Pennsylvania
Ladies of Wrestling.

'Cause we're all gonna
get plowed tonight.

Barkeep, a round of your
least-finest tequila.

Drinky-drink!

Uh, ma'am, pull back
one of those tequilas

and set me up with a tall milk.

Milk? But how will
you make bad decisions

and say things you regret?

What if Erica calls with a
baby emergency? Like what?

Like she says her first word,
but it's a full sentence,

and it's complicated
and disturbing,

like, "Why does God
allow pain to exist?"

Maybe the answer is
in this shot glass.

Put 'em back, boys
and dairy lovers.

Hey, want to buy us a drink?

Uh, hell yeah.

Uh, ladies, this is Andy.

It's his birthday.
Yeah, it is.

And he likes strange
women walking up to him.

Yeah, I do.

And he's currently very single.

Yeah, I am. Geoff:
Not me, though.

I got a wife and kid at home.

You want to see a
photo of my little one?

Be warned, you will
"aww" from cuteness.

Eh, it's probably for the best.

Those ladies seemed a tad eager.

Yeah, we hate that.

So much. It's my
birthday, dude.

And now, ladies and
mostly gentlemen,

prepare to get PLOW-ed!

Yes! It's starting!

First up, Gemstone vs.
Sandra Day O'Slaughter!

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Okay,
Gemstone is my favorite.

I once saw her crush a
watermelon with her thighs.

Best picnic ever!

It's exciting because women
usually work it out by talking.

[ Bell dings ]

[ Crowd cheering ]

- Go, Sandra!
- Go, Gemstone!

Go, both of you!
Everybody wins!

[ Crowd shouting indistinctly ]

Yeah, I think I'm
just gonna take off.

Guys?

[ All cheering ]

Alright, see ya.

♪♪

As Geoff was out for the count,

I was finishing
up my own number.

Together: ♪ We're
gonna get coconuts ♪

I heard several
full conversations

throughout my performance,
so thanks for that.

Yeah, we gotta talk.

You've been recast.

Here's your new scene partner.

You mean a dance
number with a mop,

like Fred Astaire
with a hat rack?

No, you're the new janitor.

Now moppy-mop. Wait, what?

Dude, some people just aren't
meant to be entertainers.

Like, specifically you.

But that's my whole thing.

I'm a triple threat. I
act, I write, I direct.

You're still a triple
threat. Mop, rinse, bucket.

Watch out, dirt.

[ Gasps ]

There's my prince of gourds.

Here's the thing...
I ain't doing that.

Directing a musical tribute
to pumpkins and squash

is an opportunity of a lifetime.

Is it?

Is it?

I'm actually asking the
question because I don't know

what anything means anymore.

Fine. Who says that
the Winter Gourd Fest

has to be about gourds?

I think everybody.

Nonsense.

Cold-weather vegetables
are merely a suggestion.

Really? So I can do anything?

Since you seem slightly
sad, I will say yes for now

and then deal with
the certain fallout.

Oh, Mama, you did
it again! Yes!

And whatever you come up
with will surely celebrate

the most perfect
person in your life.

I'll humor you with a maybe.

To my new burly computer.

With that, I got
to work on an idea

that had been rattling
around in my head forever.

I stayed up all night and
wrote what future generations

will hail as a masterpiece.

[ Angelic chorus sings ]

I present to you "Blade
Runner: The Musical"!

Any questions?

There were more than a few.

Adam F. Goldberg
is back, baby!

Geoff's night out with the JTP
hadn't exactly gone as planned.

Hey, hon.

How was being with
your best buds?

Much better than sitting around

with a bunch of
moms, am I right?

It was terrible.

We're completely
different people now.

Like, different in a way
you still want to hang out

on Saturday evenings
at 5:00 p. m.?

They're so immature.

They wanted to watch
ladies wrestle,

possibly in mud.

Sweetie, I don't mind if
you watch ladies wrestling

every Saturday night.

You can even wrestle with them.

Anyway, how was
the parent group?

It was better than usual.

Lots of estrogen,
everyone felt comfortable.

Ah, we're so lucky to have them.

With that, it was time for Erica

to tell her husband the truth.

Or go find Barry
and make him do it.

What the hell, dude?

You were supposed to yank
Geoff back into the JTP.

Dadhood has ruined him.

He used to just be
an anxious buzzkill.

Now he's a full-blown
party pooper.

Maybe you guys are the poopers.

And stop worrying about
Geoff and grow up.

I am fully grown.

Mom's friend said so.

Look, Geoff's a dad now.

And maybe someday God
will have a sense of humor

and make you one, as well.

So why not learn about
where he's coming from

before you kick him to the curb?

You're right.

He's more than a dork
married to a shrew.

He's also a lame dad.

I've got some thinking to do.

While Barry
considered growing up,

my production of "Blade
Runner: The Musical"

was coming to life.

I'm inviting you all to
take a journey with me,

and I appreciate
your complete trust.

I'm only here because my mom
can't pick me up until 4:00.

Yes, the stage summons us
all for different reasons.

Should we be doing
an R-rated movie

that we're not legally
allowed to see?

Anyone with a good question?

Yeah, it says here

I'm supposed to be
crushing this dude's skull.

Why? Simple.

Your creator can't stop

the ticking clock of
your robot life expiring

because the code embedded
in your DNA is irreversible.

Got it? Okay, and why?

Let's take it from the top.

Deckard, am I a replicant?

Some say you're a repli-can't.

But I say you're a repli-can!

♪ She's a robot,
I'm enchanted ♪

♪ My memories have
been implanted ♪

♪ And I have a
short lifespan ♪

♪ So enjoy life if you can ♪

Together: ♪ Yes,
you repli-can ♪

♪ Yes, you repli-can ♪

♪ Don't say you repli-can't ♪

♪ You repli-can ♪

Stop! Tara, that
was too human.

Yeah, I felt that, too.

Also, what's a replicant?

[ School bell rings
] Take five, guys.

There's my Andrew
Lloyd Treasure.

Flowers typically are
given after we open.

Oh, I don't need an occasion
to throw roses to my maestro.

Next stop, Broadway.

Next, next stop,
the Tony Awards.

And then I corner
Streisand and force her

to be best friends, and
then we swap clothes,

and she gets all jealous
because I wore them better.

Probably none of that,

but thanks for
believing in me, Mama.

Aww, it's what a good mama does.

Pulls her baby back from
the dinner-theater abyss

and lets him shine again

in front of a room
full of children.

Ignoring the specifics, I
really think this might be

the greatest thing
I've ever made.

Well, you're the greatest
thing I've ever made,

right here, in my Adam factory.

While I was feeling
on top of the world,

Barry was trying to
get to the bottom

of what was going on with Geoff.

My sister has challenged us
to become more like Geoff.

Kind and inquisitive?

Obsessively law-abiding?

Afraid to be on a balcony?

I'm talking about knowing
what it's like to have a baby.

No, not your birds-and-bees
speech again.

It's uncomfortable,
and it's mostly wrong.

How are we supposed to
instantly understand

what it's like to be a father?

With the help of
the cinematic romp

"Three Men and a Baby."

It was the classic '80s comedy

starring three
clueless bachelors

figuring out how to
take care of a baby,

and the JTP studied hard,
learning the art of diapering,

powdering, and singing
babies to sleep.

Then it was time to
try it themselves.

This is boring.

How are we supposed to practice
being dads if she's asleep?

I mean, we could wake her up.

Erica gave us very specific
babysitting details.

Which I left downstairs.

Now, let's wake this baby.

And so the JTP
applied everything

they remembered from the movie,

which was,
unfortunately, not much.

They forgot how to
put on a diaper,

then they got into a
powder fight... a long one.

But eventually, they
did remember one thing.

Together: ♪ Goodnight,
sweetheart ♪

♪ Well, it's time to go ♪

♪ Ba-dum, ba-dum ♪

♪ I hate to leave you,
but I really must say ♪

♪ Goodnight,
sweetheart, goodnight ♪

Crazy as it was, it worked.

And they couldn't
wait to tell Geoff.

JTP? What are you doing here?

Surprise!

We "Three Men and a
Baby" -ed your daughter!

But with four men.

At one point, it was five men

'cause the pizza delivery
guy used your bathroom.

Erica, I thought you said
you got a babysitter?

I did. The JTP.

So they could see what
you're going through.

And we definitely did!

We woke up Muriel

just to see what parents
have to deal with.

You woke her up?!

To feed her, bro.

For future reference, she is
not a fan of black forest cake.

What are you talking about?

It's a rich
chocolate sponge cake

with cream and cherry filling.

I know what a black
forest cake is!

But that's not meant for
a newborn, you dopes!

Whoa!

We were just
learning to be dads,

like Steve Guttenberg, Ted
Danson, and Magnum, P.I.

And now we totally get

everything you were
boring us with.

We're the same as you, Geoff.

No, you're not!

I'm worried about
Muriel every second...

For good reason, apparently...

While you guys don't
have a care in the world!

Wait. You think we
don't worry about stuff?

After four years, I'm still
folding red jeans at the Gap.

I was there when the
mannequins had heads.

I've seen it all.

I just turned 22 and I haven't
had a relationship besides

the will-they-won't-they tension

I have with my grandma's
in-home healthcare worker.

And being naked is not
as easy as it used to be.

I have a court date.

I'm not totally sure I'm
allowed to be with your baby.

I feel like that's something
you should've mentioned earlier.

Well, none of you are
babysitting ever again.

And, to be honest, I don't really
want to hang out with you, either.

While things were cooling
off with Geoff and the JTP,

the drama with "Blade
Runner: The Musical"

was just heating up.

We have a major problem.

Adam's musical is
causing an uproar.

Everybody's talking about it,

especially since I took
out that full-page ad

in the Jenkintown Gazette.

I read that, and
I seriously doubt

that Rex Reed said, "Look out!
Broadway has another Schmoo!"

Plus, he's already
burned through

the entire theater
budget for the year.

I'm canceling the
senior trip to Maryland.

Oh, hell no!

Mama needs her crab cakes.

And the parents are
in a real tizzy.

One's asking, "Why
does our daughter

have to run through a
plate glass window?"

That's just breakaway glass.

We practiced with Barry at
home, and he was mostly fine.

The Winter Gourd Fest is back
on and Adam's getting replaced.

Yes! It's Glascott-o-clock!

Andrea, you're up.

On deck and ready to go.

Welp, I'm off to fire him.

No!

Damn it! I'll do it.

It'll soften the blow
coming from his mama.

There's my indestructible Schmoo

who accepts life's
triumphs and defeats

with the same amount of grace.

Which scarf says
brilliant director more,

cream or off-cream?

The choice is too
hard. You should quit.

What? I just need to pick.

Oh, no. The pressure they put on
you to make these decisions...

No. No.

You should quit. Never!

This is gonna be my magnum opus.

That the world isn't ready for.

Better to quit now and
just save it for later.

What's all this quitting talk?

Oh, boy. Um, how
do I say this?

Um, Adam, you...

You're f...

Adam, you're fired.

Principal Ball is
shutting down the show.

I've failed as a mother.

I enabled you with
too much praise,

and you took it too far.

I'm sorry.

Okay.

First I was demoted to janitor.

Now I'm being fired from
something I actually care about.

[ Sighs ]

Maybe I'm really not
supposed to do this anymore.

♪♪

They say, "The
show must go on."

And it did. Just without me.

Horror of horrors!
What are you doing?

Accepting my fate.

I'm just a mop jockey now.

God. Well, thanks to
the middle-class bubble

I raised you in, you
know nothing of mopping.

With the water and the soap
and that rinse-y thing,

I'm sure I'll figure it
out after a few weeks.

Major school emergency.

The children refuse to musically
honor the mighty gourd.

John, what are you saying?

I'm saying that Adam inspired
them with his adult robot tale,

and they won't
perform anything else.

Really?

You need to get down
there and put on a show.

Uh... I don't know.

I do.

Adam, you're re-hired.

And so, thanks to my mom,

I made it just in time
to see a packed theater

and a stage full of
actors singing the songs

I worked so hard on.

♪ I'm a blade runner ♪

♪ I'm running on a blade ♪

And they actually
sounded pretty great.

Maybe the spark I was
missing was there all along.

♪ I'm a Nexus-6 named Pris ♪

♪ I can do tricks
just like this ♪

Together: ♪ Blade runner ♪

♪ Bl-Bl-Bl-Bl-Blaaaaade runner ♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

Thanks, Mama.

For everything.

You just needed a little
reminder of how great you are.

Yep, watching those kids
bring my musical to life

made me realize I would never
give up on my dreams again.

Meanwhile, Geoff was coming
to a realization of his own.

Alright, we have a few minutes,

if anyone else has anything
that they want to share?

Geoff, you've been
weirdly here and quiet.

Yeah, I...

I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

I know I'm not a mom
and I shouldn't be here.

It's been really nice to
just be around other parents

who are struggling
with the newness of it.

You're really lucky
to have each other.

Honey, wait.

You're right. You definitely
shouldn't be here.

Oh, good. You made
that super clear.

You shouldn't be here because

you have somewhere
else you need to be...

With the JTP.

Your friends love you so much

that they tried to
be dads for a night

just so they could be
a part of your world.

At great risk to our
child, but still.

Maybe you need to make an effort

to be a part of
their world, too?

[ Sighs ] I guess it's time

for this dad to
leave his mom group.

♪ Hold on tight ♪

Yeah, just because
your priorities change

doesn't mean you have to.

Hey, fellas.

♪ Hold on tight to your dream ♪

What's up?

Look, I'm sorry.

I've been so wrapped
up in being a dad,

I've lost track of the
other people in my life.

It's okay. We...
We understand.

I mean, five minutes with
her, and it was like, whoa,

babies might be
difficult to deal with.

[ Laughter ]

We're proud of you
for being a dad.

More than anything,
we just miss you.

I can fix that. Deal me in.

Because it's the
people we're closest to

who let us know we're not
going through life all alone.

♪ Hold on tight to your dream ♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪ Yeah, hold on tight ♪

That's the thing
about our dreams.

With the support of
the people who love us,

they can come true.

♪ To your dream ♪

♪♪

Shh. It's okay.
Go to sleep, baby.

[ Crying ]

I guess two men and
a baby doesn't work.

Um, excuse me.

Dr. Katman? Indeed.

I was driving by and
heard your baby crying,

so I thought I could help.

Follow me.

♪ Ba-da-da-da-dum ♪

Together: ♪ Goodnight,
sweetheart ♪

♪ Well, it's time to go ♪

♪ Ba-dum, ba-dum ♪

♪ I hate to leave you,
but I really must say ♪

♪ Goodnight,
sweetheart, goodnight ♪

[ Crying continues ]

Well, doesn't always work.

♪♪

[ Ding! ]

Shh. It's okay.
Go to sleep, baby.

[ Crying ]

I guess two men and
a baby doesn't work.

Um, excuse me.

Dr. Katman? Indeed.

I was driving by and
heard your baby crying,

so I thought I could help.

Follow me.

♪ Ba-da-da-da-dum ♪

Together: ♪ Goodnight,
sweetheart ♪

♪ Well, it's time to go ♪

♪ Ba-dum, ba-dum ♪

♪ I hate to leave you,
but I really must say ♪

♪ Goodnight,
sweetheart, goodnight ♪

[ Crying continues ]

Well, doesn't always work.

♪♪

[ Ding! ]