Original subtitles

♪ ♪

(spurs jangling)

(click)

The thing that alarms me the most about this whole thing

is that our reports from Europe indicate

there are three different groups of foreign agents

operating in our country--

one from England, one from Russia

and one from Spain.

They think the United States government

is involved with this?

Obviously.

Involved in what?

I didn'’t catc h the problem.

The problem is that people on the thrones

of England, Russia and Spain are not Queen Victoria,

the Czar or the King of Spain.

Well, who are they?

Impostors.

Impostors who look so much like their real counterparts

that no one has dared even launch an investigation.

Well, where are the real monarchs supposed to be?

Somewhere in the United States.

I know, it sounds incredible,

t but we'’ve gotten the same repor

from three of our best agents in Europe.

We can'’t ignore it.

(laughs): It sounds crazy to me.

Hugo, will you shut up?

The only reason you'’re at this meeting

is because I want you to pick up my laundry.

(clears throat)

Well, Henry, Joseph, you'’ve heard my plan.

What do you think of it?

Well, considering the facts, or the lack of them,

it makes a certain amount of sense.

Ifwe can talk them into coming out of retirement.

I'’ve managed to keep track of them.

Jim West has been living in the town of Tacate, Mexico,

ever since he retired.

Artemus Gordon, for the last six months,

has been with a traveling tent show

called the Deadwood Shakespearean Strolling Players,

"with assorted jugglers, fire-eaters,

and three-- count them, three-- beautiful, live girls."

As opposed, I guess, to three ugly, dead girls.

Check their itinerary.

I want West and Gordon on this.

You leave for Mexico tonight.

Am I to understand, sir,

that you'’re going to bring a couple of overaged,

out-of-shape ex-agents out of retirement

to handle this case, when the Service is full

of young, deserving agents who...

who-who'’ve just been spoiling at a chance

to prove themselves?

Mexico. Tonight.

Yes, sir, but-but if I may add, sir...

You may not.

How didheget in the Secret Service?

He'’s your wife' ’s nephew, sir.

I thought we had a gentleman'’s agreement

never to mention that.

Uncle Bob, if I go to Mexico,

I won'’t be able to pick up your laundry.

Out!

(train whistle blows)

(train chugging)

(kids laughing and talking)

(band plays upbeat tune)

(man hooting)

(man hooting)

(hooting and whistling)

Jesus, quit chasing your sister.

(woman speaking Spanish)

BOY: S￭, senor, Papa.

Rufina, quit teasing your brother!

(woman speaking Spanish)

(man shouting, gunfire)

(women screaming)

(gunfire)

(man speaking Spanish)

(woman screams)

(horse snorts)

(gunshot, crowd exclaiming)

(man talking and singing in Spanish)

WOMAN: No! No!

(man singing)

(blow landing, woman screaming)

(man continues singing)

(man singing)

Oh,s￭.

Con permiso, senor.

This is my woman.

No, senor, that is your woman.

That is my woman, that is my woman,

that is my woman, and that is my woman.

Four women is too much for one man, senor.

For some men, four is barely enough.

Bueno, pues,I borrow this one for a few minutes, eh?

(speaking Spanish)

(band plays upbeat tune)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

One highly-trained man

against four ignorant peasants?

You should have concluded that in half the time, Mr. West.

Who are you?

Hugo Kaufman,

United States Secret Service.

What do you mean, ignorant peasants?

Those men are bandits, ruthless killers.

If you say so, Mr. West.

I suppose you could have handled it better.

No reflection on you, sir, but, uh, I do imagine

that our training program in the old days

was a bit less thorough than it is today.

What... What was your name again?

Hugo Kaufman.

I can see you and I aren'’t goin g to get along at all, Hugo.

To be quite frank with you, Mr. West,

I thought the scheme to be a bit wild and impractical myself.

Why was that?

Well, to revive a couple of overage,

sagging retirees

when the Department is full of young, vigorous agents.

But Uncle Bob felt that...

Who?

(clears throat): I-I meant to say, Robert T. Malone,

the new head of the Secret Service, felt that...

Skinny Malone is the new head of the Secret Service?

I believe I said Robert T. Malone.

(laughing)

That'’s Skinny.

Hugo, when I retired,

they wouldn'’t even let him out alone at night.

(laughing)

Then am I to report to Director Malone

that you'’ve turned down this assignment?

Hugo, sit down.

(guitar playing gentle melody)

Why does Skinny think that Artemus and I

are right for this assignment?

I'’m sure I don'’t know, Mr. West, unless...

Unless it'’s because they feel that Dr. Michelito Loveless

is behind all of this.

I believe you two had some experiences with him.

Oh, we had some experiences.

But I happen to know

that Michelito Loveless has been dead for five years.

Well, evidently, you didn'’t kno w that he had a son,

Michelito Loveless Jr.

Of course I know that he had a son.

I'’ve known him since he was that big.

He'’s still that big.

Another Michelito Loveless loose in the world.

Is he as ruthless as his father?

Moreruthless.

You know, I don'’t know

if I want to work with Artemus Gordon again.

I'’m mad at him.

About what?

I can'’t remember, but I remembe r that I am mad at him.

Uh, you realize, of course, that Artemus and I

report directly to the President of the United States,

andonlyto the President of the United States.

I'’m afraid that won'’t be possible this time.

Why not?

Because we'’re not absolutely sure

that the man in the White House

really is President Cleveland.

(inhales and exhales loudly)

We'’ll get right on it.

Can you speak for Gordon?

Yes, I can.

In that case,

Skinny asked me to get...

(clears throat): Uncle Bob said that if I ...

(clears throat)

Director Malone asked me to give you this.

He said it was self-explanatory.

Uh, we'’ll need our train again.

(sighs)

Mr. West, we located your train on a siding near Kansas City

where it also happens

that Artemus Gordon is appearing this week.

Uncle Bob,

huh?

Well, that explains a lot of things.

Good-bye, Mr. West.

Sagging.

ARTEMUS: Come out of retirement?

And give up all this?

(scoffs)

You must be mad.

Artie,

look, can'’t we discuss this in private?

Let'’s go to your dressing room.

Thisismy dressing room.

Oh.

Besides, why would I want to go

to work with you again after the dirty trick you did me?

What dirty trick?

I don'’t remember.

I just remember it was dirty, that'’s all.

Come on, Artie.

We can probably wind this thing up

in a couple of weeks.

We might just have some fun.

Yes. We might also get ourselves killed.

Well, it can'’t b e any more dangerous

than walking out on that stage every night.

James... Honey.

? Sweet desire, can'’t we go out tonight, please

And you can bring him along, too.

And I'’ll get a girl for you.

(laughs)

(sighs)

That does it.

I'’m ready. Let'’s go.

Sweet desire? Artie.

Gordon!

Your act is the worst I'’ve ever seen on any stage!

I'’m sick of yo u messing up my show!

You'’re fired!

Mr. Deadwood...

Artie, that'’s my department.

You been sick or something?

No, why?

You didn'’t knock tha t guy more than 12 feet.

I'’m afraid all thos e years of soft living

has dulled the edge of your skills.

Well, don'’ t you worry.

From here on out, I take over your training.

And one month from now, you'’l l either be in top shape...

or two weeks dead.

(train whistle blowing)

(sighs)

(gasps): More?

(train whistle blowing)

42, 43...

Now, wait-wait a minute,

Hold it, hold it, hold it.

Wait, hold it.

Do it all over again from the beginning.

Go.

One...

two, three, four,

five, six...

nine, ten...

(groans)

17...

18...

You'’re doing fine!

Just a little bit weak in the sprints.

I'’ll have the engineer speed up the next five miles.

(train whistle blowing)

Artie, I hope you'’re not wearing yourself out

pulling on that rope.

Save your breath.

The last four miles are uphill.

Skinny sure hasn'’t given us a whole lot to go on, has he?

All he had to go on, I guess.

How'’d they figure anyone could come up with substitutes

identical enough to fool whole nations of people?

Michelito, Sr. used to dabble

in that department, remember, Artie?

Yeah.

Surgery, facial surgery.

Never good enough to try anything this big.

Maybe Michelito Jr. picked up

where Michelito, Sr. left off, with a few improvements

of his own.

Yeah.

(chuckles): Wagon Gap, Arizona?

Why are we going to Wagon Gap, Arizona?

It'’s all in there.

That'’s the last place that Junior was seen.

Now, our instructions are we'’re supposed to go

to the Mint Saloon and wait and see what happens.

Jim, tell me the truth.

Did you ever think that Skinny Malone had brains enough

to get this high in the Service?

Artemus, at no time did I ever think

that Skinny Malone had brains.

(laughs)

(train whistle blowing)

(bell clanging)

(bell continues clanging)

Mr. West?

So it finally happens.

What finally happens, young man?

I'’ve been looking all over the West for you...

ever since I was old enough to lift a gun.

Now, why would you be doing that, son?

Because I knew someday I'’d run into you

and get you for killing my pa.

You stay right where you are, Mister!

I think it'’s only fair to warn you, Mr. West,

that I ain'’t done nothing much in my life except practice

for this minute.

You got the wrong man.

(chuckles): Oh.

Mr. West, I was just a kid,

but I was standing right there when you killed my pa,

! and I'’ll never forget your face

Now, when I count to four...

Four? Four?

...we'’re gonna go for our guns.

And if you don'’t go for yours,

well, that'’s your tough luck.

One...

two...

three... four!

(screams)

I draw with either hand.

(groans)

I figured you might.

(gasping)

(panting)

I'’ll never stop till I get you!

What was your pa'’s name, son?

Miller Jason.

Get those wrists taken care of.

If you want your guns, you can pick up

in the saloon after we'’ve left.

Now, get out of here.

Why didn'’t you go for your guns?

'’Cause I knew you'’d think of something.

Did you ever know his father?

He was killed in a raid a bunch of us made about ten years ago.

I didn'’t kill his father,

but I knew the kid would never believe that.

Well, who did? You did.

(lively music playing)

(cheering, laughing, whistling)

♪ ♪

Will you take care of these?

Two beers.

(whistling)

(music stops, cheering)

Oh, great!

(laughing)

(cheering, whistling)

Hey, Jim.

That'’s hot and heavy work, isn'’t it?

Uh-huh. (chuckles)

Aren'’t you a little young to be in a place like this?

No.

I guess all girls in general

are just beginning to look younger and younger to me.

You really don'’ t remember me,

do you, Jim?

Of course I remember you. How could I forget?

You were, uh, very fond of me at one time.

Or at least you said you were.

Well, I can see why I would be.

You used to take me all kinds of places.

I used to take you all kinds of places?

Well, then, how could I ever forget you?

I don'’t care how many years have passed.

Well, evidently you have.

All right, I surrender.

Do you remember Jennifer Jackson?

I was very much in love with her.

I know.

She'’s my mother.

Your mother?

Uh-huh.

I'’m gonna be sick.

(laughing)

You'’re little Gabby.

Yes!

I'’m gonna be very sick.

Well, what'’s the matter?

I was gonna invite you to dinner,

among other things.

Great.

I get off at 6:00.

No, no.

No, I-I couldn'’t.

(chuckles) Why not?

No, no, really, I couldn'’t.

It wouldn'’t be, it wouldn'’t be decent.

Listen, you'’ll feel better when you get used to the idea.

Uh, I'’ll be bac k in a little while.

(giggles)

(sighs)

? Makes you feel a thousand years old, doesn'’t it

You realize you got ties older than her?

I need a real drink.

. Good idea. I'’ll join you

Two whiskeys.

Same for me.

There you go.

Joys of growing old.

(scoffs)

(sighs)

How long are we supposed to wait around here

before something happens?

Not long, I imagine.

(inhales deeply)

It'’s all right, fellas,

just some Eastern dudes couldn'’ t handle our Western whiskey.

(laughter and cheering)

Come on, drinks are on the house.

Come on!

♪ ♪

(squeaking)

(man laughing)

Come in, gentlemen, come in, come in, come in, come in.

(laughing)

r I don'’t, I don'’t belie ve you'’ve met my siste

Carmelita.

Tell me, Mr. West, how is your family in Mexico?

It must have been... painful to leave them.

Mr. Gordon, how is your theatrical career?

You know, you'’ll never be as famous as John Wilkes Booth...

or as good.

(laughing)

Oh, you see, I'’ve kept track of the two of you

ever since my father died

and left me this tiny but exquisitely powerful empire.

I'’ve know n where you were.

I could have had you killed at any time, any day, any minute,

but no, I thought something special

for the two men who drove my father to an early grave.

How did we do that?

My father died of ulcers...

(winces)

...ulcers brought on by the two of you

constantly interfering with his plans!

Our father was the greatest man in the world.

He was the greatest man

who ever lived...

(clears throat)

...till I was born, of course.

Father had one tiny,

tragic flaw in his character.

And what was the flaw, you ask?

. All right, I'’ll ask

What was that flaw?

It was a streak of mercy running through his soul

which neither my sister

or I possess.

(laughs)

Did you know Michelito Loveless

had a streak of mercy?

Silence!

(groans)

Carmelita,

let'’s show Mr. Wes t and Mr. Gordon

what they'’re u p against this time.

(clears throat)

Gentlemen, this is Sonya and Alan.

Sonya and Alan are two of the most extraordinary people

the world will ever see.

But you don'’t know what I'’m talking about, do you?

Sonya,

Alan.

Sonya, demonstrate.

(beeping)

Try to get up, Mr. West.

(beeping continues, Michelito laughing)

Alan, not to forget Mr. Gordon.

(panting)

(screams)

(gasps)

(yells)

(grunting)

Alan, tha-that'’s enough.

This is a demonstration, not an execution.

Not yet.

And now the explanation.

I call Sonya and Alan my $600 people.

Why do I call them my $600 people?

Ah, because that'’s wha t it cost to build them:

six hundred dollars.

$609, if you must know the truth.

Alan and Sonya

are both quadruple amputees.

I have designed new arms and legs for them

that are a hundred years ahead of their time.

Through the clever use of pulleys and leverage,

they'’re the strongest and the fastest people in the world.

Why, the implications are obvious.

If I can build two $600 people, I can build an army of them.

As a matter of fact,

the cost should come down through mass production.

You two look intelligent.

Are you going along with this crackpot?

Silence!

I will not have my authority undermined by strangers!

Besides, we have a little tour to take right now.

Have you fully recovered, Mr. Gordon?

I'’m fine, I'’m fine, I'’m fine.

Good.

Then let'’s be on with it.

Follow me.

(door opens)

(footsteps approaching)

You are about to meet the most distinguished group of people

ever gathered in one dungeon.

(indistinct yelling)

Silence!

Czar Nicholas, Czar of all the Russias.

Her Royal Majesty,

Queen Victoria of England.

This is an outrage.

King Alfonso deEspana.

Ustedes lo pagaran.

Yo soy

el rey de Espana Alfonso.

¡Silencio!

Grover Cleveland, President of the United States.

Speechless, gentlemen?

If these are the real monarchs,

who'’s sitting on the thrones of Europe?

Replicas, exact replicas

created by me, answerable only to me.

So you see, Mr. West,

I'’ve already conquered most of the civilized world.

I'’ll get around to the other parts as time permits.

Tell the guards to take their Royal Majesties

to Observation Hill.

Mr. Gordon and Mr. West

will join me for a sentimental journey.

Follow me!

I am sure that Mr. West and Mr. Gordon would like

to pay their last respects to my father.

Ah, Daddy would enjoy the sight

of the two of you kneeling...

kneeling at the foot of his shrine.

I promised you this, Daddy, and I delivered.

If you'’re trying to contac t your father, Junior,

you'’re looking in the wrong direction.

You know, I think you'’ve missed

two of the shrine'’s finer points.

Yeah, Daddy, Daddy would love being buried someplace

where he could look down on you.

(laughs)

But not yet, not yet.

Off to Observation Point.

Your Majesties, Mr. President,

what you are about to see is beyond your wildest imaginings.

You will not believe your eyes,

it'’s so pretty.

After the demonstration, you will be given 20 minutes

to write to your respective countries

and demand an immediate surrender... to me.

(all yelling indistinctly) ¡Yo soy Rey Alfonso!

Silence!

Now, behold.

(chuckles)

Isn'’t that incredible?

Always the same damn mushroom cloud.

Seven, eight, nine,

ten. (wind whistling)

Take them back to their cells.

See to it they have plenty of writing paper.

Get that thing off me.

Gordon, West, you will rejoin me in the library.

¿Qu￩ animales son estos?

¿Qu￩ animal?

Well, Mr. West, Mr. Gordon,

do you still think there'’s anything

or anyone that can stop me?

From what?

From dominating the world.

Stay.

Junior, you'’re crazier than your father ever was.

Did it ever occur to you that my father was,

and I am, completely sane, and the two of you

and the rest of the world are mentally deficient?

No. That never occurred to me.

That ever occur to you, Artie? Never.

Did it ever occur to you

that my father was normal-sized and the two of you

might be throwbacks to caveman types?

Now, that occurred to me. (chuckles)

Well, enjoy yourself, Mr. Gordon.

You have 30 days to live.

Hey, little man...

"Little man"?!

"Little man"?! I will have you know that in my family,

I am a giant among the men!

I towered over my father.

? Well, who didn'’t

Mommy didn'’t.

I, uh... I believe our distinguished guests

should have their letters of surrender finished by now.

You will take them to the...

to the appropriate embassies.

Junior, you'’re dreaming.

Fools!

Idiots!

You saw the explosion.

I have harnessed the very energy

that is the source of our universe.

w But you still don'’t kno

anything about people, Junior.

Hmm.

I know this much about people--

they don'’t like to die.

They'’re afraid.

When they find out

that I have one of my magnificent bombs

planted in all the major cities of the world--

in Rome,

in Moscow, in London--

they just might find the word

"surrender" a bit more palatable.

Sonya?

Alan?

The needle.

When you awaken, you'’ll be on your train

heading back to Washington, DC.

Deliver your messages.

Tell your people what you'’ve seen.

Remember, you must be back at the Mint Saloon in Wagon Gap

by 12:00 midnight, June 13.

I repeat, 12:00 midnight, June 13.

If not, a large Eastern American city

will disappear.

(evil laughter)

(steam whistle blows)

(belt clatters)

Artie?

Artie?

(gasps, grunts)

What'’s the matter with you?

Artie, do you have any idea how we got here?

"How we got here"?

I don'’t even know where we'’ve been.

Artie, what was that explosive?

James, there'’s nothing I know known to man

that could possibly cause an explosion that size.

I figure we had to be ten miles away from that blast.

Yeah, about.

Well, taking a quick triangulation in my head,

I figure if the area of total devastation

was almost a mile, a mile and a half...

No, no, Artie, it was bigger than that.

It was probably... two miles.

All right, two miles.

The area of additional destruction had to go even

beyond the area of a blast.

Junior has himself a real winner.

Listen, those $600-people are no joke, either.

Artie, you could have handled Alan

if you'’d just remember some of the things I taught you.

Even with the Army and Navy on my side,

I could not have handled Alan.

They'’re going to ask for a written report.

They'’re probably going to want some suggestions, too.

Well, I got a suggestion.

Surrender.

The Crowned Heads of Europe and President Cleveland

in iron cages somewhere in the Arizona desert?

$600-people who can outrun a train

and move mountains with their bare hands?!

One bomb that can destroy an entire city?!

Have you two started drinking in the morning?

e Skinny, we don'’t hav

all the time in the world to convince you.

You said you'’d been drugged.

Did it ever occur to you that you were hallucinating?

Both of us together?

Hallucinating the same hallucinations,

at the same time?

Would you like to see the bruises

from my "hallucinations"?

How do you spell "hallucination"?

Quit taking notes, Hugo.

I don'’t want any record of this meeting.

How sure are you

that you actually saw President Cleveland?

More to the point--

? how sure are you that we didn'’t

Not very sure.

This may seem a bit indelicate, but, uh...

if the man in the White House isn'’t President Cleveland,

wouldn'’t Mrs. Cleveland know it?

She was the first one to suspect,

if you know what I mean,

but even she isn'’t sure.

He walks like President Cleveland.

He talks like President Cleveland.

He bumbles around ineptly like President Cleveland.

Hugo, you write that down, I'’ll kill you.

In your position, it'’s imperative

you have a transcript of all of this.

Otherwise, history may judge you insane, Uncle Bob.

Hugo, don'’t ever mention our relationship again.

No more Uncle Bob.

Skinny, I want to point out something to you.

Junior said that he had planted a bomb

in a large Eastern city.

He didn'’t say it wasn'’t Washington, DC.

(chuckles): Well...

I'’d hardly consider Washington an Eastern city.

If you lived in Arizona, you would.

When did you want to go back?

Right away.

Wait until tomorrow morning.

I want to think about this

and see how much of it I believe.

Skinny.

Yes?

Believe.

(door closes)

Well, Hugo, what'’s your evaluation?

Senility.

I'’ve said right along what we needed

was younger men on this assignment.

Go to your office, Hugo.

Yes, Uncle Bob.

(door closes)

Creep.

ARTEMUS: Capital Hotel.

(whistles)

"Have you two started drinking in the morning?"

. Skinny'’s sudden rise to th e top'’s affected his mind

Well, it is kind of a wild story, you know.

I don'’t know how much of it I believe myself.

You know, Jim, staying over an extra day

is going to cut it awfully close if we have

to be in Wagon Gap by the thirteenth.

. Maybe we won'’t wait fo r Skinny'’s permission to leave

Right.

What'’s the worst that can happen to us?

He'’ll fire us off the job.

Which we never asked for in the first place.

Right. From here on out, we do it our own way.

With no interference, Artie, from anyone.

I'’m sorry, gentlemen,

but I am a stranger in a strange land,

and I must ask for your protection.

Well, of course.

Protection from what?

Anything, anything-- it doesn'’t matter.

On this very street in broad daylight,

I was just accosted by three men.

Only three?

I would have thought half of Washington

would'’ve been after you.

That'’s very gallant of you,

but it was a terrifying experience.

(sniffling, crying)

I'’m sorry.

Oh... I don'’t cry easily.

I hope you don'’t consider this a breach of hospitality,

gentlemen.

I hope you realize, young lady,

that effortlessly we could take that gun

away from you and make you eat it.

(silenced gunshot)

If you don'’t mind the sight of your own blood,

by all means.

Go right ahead and try to make me

eat my gun, Mr. Gordon.

Interested in my noiseless firearm, Mr. West?

It'’s one of the latest developments

of British Intelligence.

You'’re Britis h Intelligence?

I think we'’ve talked enough for now.

Take her gun away from her

and make her eat it, Artie?

Ah, Mr. West, Mr. Gordon.

Any difficulty, Penelope?

Mr. West and Mr. Gordon seem

unusually susceptible to a pretty face.

e Hmm, a weakness we'’d never tolerat

in any of our agents.

I'’m Captain Sir David Edney, British Intelligence.

You'’ve met Penelope.

This morning, you gentlemen delivered letters

to the British, Russian and Spanish embassies.

In the letter to the British Embassy,

purportedly written by Her Majesty, Queen Victoria...

(chuckles)

some mention was made of the immediate

and unconditional surrender of the British Empire.

Now, usually we dismiss this sort of thing

as the product of a deranged mind.

However, in this case,

I decided to confront you gentlemen

and ask the simple question,

"What in the hell are you people up to?"

Is British Intelligence asking for the cooperation

of the United States Secret Service?

If so, your Ambassador should contact

our Secretary of State,

who will contact our Bureau head.

We'’re not in the least bit interested in your cooperation.

In matters that even remotely

concern Her Majesty, we'’d never involve a bunch

of rustic, poorly-trained Colonials.

"Colonials"?

Didn'’t we win that war in 1776?

Britain was occupied elsewhere in 1776.

I think it'’s only fair to warn you,

I am not known for being the most patient of men.

Neither is he.

Window.

(groaning)

Unbreakable glass.

Another new invention of British Intelligence.

Actually, we stole it from the Russians.

That was crude, Mr. West, unbelievably crude.

Listen, Sir Captain, or whatever your name is...

Captain Sir David Edney.

Sir David, our two countries...

no, the entire world is facing a threat

you can'’t even imagine the boundaries of.

I am waiting for you to tell me.

Oh, then, you'’re willin g to exchange information

and start cooperating.

e Hardly, Mr. Gordon, it'’s a bit mor

of a one-way street than that.

We want to know what you know,

but whatweknow

is privileged information.

It won'’t wor k that way.

. That is exactly how it'’s going to work

Sir David, we don'’t have time

to play these foreign agent games.

Up against some sort of a deadline, Mr. West?

Yes.

And so are you, if you only knew it.

Well, would you care to tell me?

We'’ll tel l you nothing.

You people come around here,

start messing around with our country

like you still owned it.

Forget it.

Couldn'’t have said it better myself, Artie. Thank you.

(snaps fingers)

Take these gentlemen to our special guestroom.

The next King of England

could be a little fella about that big.

I rather liked Mr. Gordon.

” "“A little fell a about that big."

Then, theyhave made contact

with Michelito Loveless Jr.

Hmm.

(humming "Rule, Britannia!")

How long have we been here?

. I don'’t know

Too long.

Why do you suppose they haven'’t

put any pressure on us until now?

. They don'’t have to

We'’re the one s fighting the deadline.

All Sir David has to do is sit and wait us out.

(sighs)

I'’ll bet you 1,000 to one

Junior doesn'’t have those bombs planted around.

Listen, it was a billion to one

that he didn'’t have one in the first place.

(groans)

Hey, Artie.

Got any idea how to get out of here?

Yeah, but it'’s a rotten idea.

I'’ll take it.

All right.

Follow my lead.

No, don'’t!

Don'’t break that!

You'’ll blow up the whole house!

(tapping)

. ARTEMUS: Don'’t! JIM: I'’m going crazy in this room

No, don'’t light that fuse!

I think you have gone crazy!

I mean, after all those years

? of working with you, who wouldn'’t be crazy

(keys jingling)

We'’ll all go out together.

Thank you. You'’re welcome.

You know, for a rotten idea,

that worked pretty well.

Don'’t move, Penelope.

I want to remember you always

the way you are now: puzzled.

(whistle blowing)

Are we going to make it back in time?

Barring train wrecks and more Penelopes,

but it'’s still going to be close, Artie.

Oh, so this is how

that little noise suppresser works, huh?

It'’s just a simpl e little gas chamber.

I could make us each one exactly like this.

What did you write in the letter to Skinny?

Oh, I just told him about the unfriendly attitude

of the British, and I sent our love to Hugo,

and I told him how sorry we were

that we couldn'’t find th e time to say good-bye.

They couldn'’t find the time to say good-bye?

And what were they doing

fooling around with the British anyway?

I not only think they'’re drinking too much,

I think they'’re getting senile.

I told you we should put a guard on that train.

Uh, excuse me, Uncle Bob, sir.

I believe it was Ithat toldyou

that we should put a guard on that train.

Hugo, you'’re going west.

West, sir?

Far, far west.

About as far west as it'’s possible to go

and still remain in the United States.

Wagon Gap, Arizona.

And what will I be doing there, sir?

Find West and Gordon--

without their knowing it--

keep them under constant surveillance--

without their knowing it--

and report their activities to me every day by telegraph.

And what if there'’s no telegraph office in Wagon Gap?

Open one.

Yes, sir.

And may I add, sir, that not only am I ready

for an assignment of such importance,

. but I know you'’ll al l agree it'’s long overdue

I'’ll start preparing fo r my trip immediately, sir.

MALONE: Hugo.

Yes, sir?

If, after your assignment is finished,

you should feel you'’d like to remain

in the West and seek your fortune, your aunt and I

will somehow manage to console ourselves.

No need to worry about that, Uncle Bob.

The Secret Service is my life

and always will be.

ALL: Creep.

We should be in Wagon Gap in about an hour, Artie.

You go ahead of me by 15 minutes.

That'’s probably all the leeway we'’ll have.

And don'’t worry, you look fine.

I don'’t know about this whole thing.

What am I supposed to do in that saloon?

Oh, just mingle with the other girls,

get the men to talk to you, buy you a few drinks,

and keep your ears open.

Never know what you'’r e going to hear.

That'’s your idea of clever undercover work, huh?

Oh, I... I know it'’ s not much of a plan,

but it'’d be silly for the two of us

to walk into that saloon

and put our necks into Junior'’s noose.

And you don'’t think they'’re going

to recognize me in this, uh?

Well, how could they?

I don'’t recognize you myself.

(snickering)

(whistle blowing)

The thing I don'’t like about all this

is we have to sit around waiting for Junior to act

Then, we justreact.

We ought to be more in control of the situation.

(rumbling)

(brakes squealing)

(speaking Russian)

? What'’d he say

I don'’t know, I don'’t understand the language.

(gunfire)

That, I understand.

Ladies first.

Mr. West?

Good evening, Mr. Gordon.

. You'’re looking lovely

Oh, this dress?

Well, I don'’t usually, uh...

No need to explain.

We'’ve found many of your American customs

to be rather bizarre.

. But I haven'’t introduced myself

I am Nadia Vinogradov.

Russian Intelligence.

You might say that.

That just leaves Spain to be heard from.

Right.

I don'’t think the Spanish

are even aware of what has happened yet.

Oh?

Has something happened, Nadia?

Don'’t play games with me, Mr. Gordon.

Several days ago,

you delivered a letter to the Russian Embassy,

which is either the most remarkable forgery

we have ever seen or...

well, I don'’t even want to think about it.

Oh, don'’t worry, Mr. West.

Uh, we shan'’t keep you long.

We know you have appointment

at the Mint Saloon in Wagon Gap at 12:00.

Then, why'’d you stop our train?

It seems to me you know everything.

Not everything, Mr. West.

That Russian citizen

in Dr. Loveless'’s custody, whoever he is,

is of vital concern to the Russian government.

If anything should happen to him while he'’s in your country...

well, I doubt if America is ready for war

with Russia yet.

War? What war?

You'’re talkin g to a couple

. of lowly, menial agents, that'’s all

. We don'’t deal in wars

Our president handles all our wars.

Which president, Mr. Gordon?

The one in Washington

or the one in Dr. Loveless'’s dungeon?

And another thing.

We understand that you'’ve witnessed an explosion

of the bomb that Dr. Loveless is threatening us with.

Is it anything that we should worry about?

Worry.

e You know, it doesn'’t seem to m

that, in the old days, we had so many foreigners

interfering with everything we did.

In the good old days,

we didn'’t run around in circles so much, either.

You realize we haven'’t done one thing right?

You know, there'’s...

there'’s something wrong with that dress.

It would stick out

like a sore thumb in a dance hall.

Needs to be more...

more off the shoulder, mored￩collet￩.

D￩collet￩?

What are you talking about?

Well, if you got it, show it.

I don'’t have it.

Show it anyway.

Jim, that'’s the only dress I got.

. Why don'’t you, uh..

Make something out of this.

When you walk into that Mint Saloon,

I want you to be popular, sought after.

Crazy.

(piano plays lively music)

(lively chatter)

(horse neighing)

(man laughing)

Mr. West?

We meet again.

Not tonight, son.

I don'’t have time for you tonight.

I'’m going t o count to four,

and on the count of four...

You can count to four thousand if you want to, but not tonight.

Are you going to leave my guns with the bartender again?

No.

I'’m through being nice to you.

(piano music playing, loud chatter)

(man laughing)

One for you. One for you.

Let me have whiskey.

You bet.

After you.

(laughter)

(laughing)

(applause and cheering)

(band plays fast-paced, upbeat song)

(cheering and whistling)

(cheering and hooting)

(man whistling)

(glass breaking)

Don'’t say anything.

I know what you'’re thinking, but you can trust me.

I'’m nothing like my brother.

Different mothers.

Well, yes, but not just that. Other things.

I don'’tthink the same way he does.

In fact, I think that he is a little crazy.

Do you?

A man who'’s out t o conquer the entire world,

and you think he'’ s a little crazy?

(laughs)

I can tell you don'’t trust me, Jim.

Now, what can I do to prove that I am sincere?

There'’s a couple o f things that come to mind.

Well, I'’m all for that.

It was pretty convincing.

Now, what do you want?

I want you to stop my brother.

I want you to let me help you.

Why?

Because I am terrified of him.

You do not know the lengths he'’s willing to go,

and he'’d sacrifice me as fast as anyone.

Now, are you convinced?

. It'’s getting better

Well, let me help you.

Where is the eastern city

where he has the bomb planted?

Oh, who cares?

Carmelita?

Hmm?

Carmelita.

(sighs)

. All right, it'’s Washington, D.C

Next time you see your brother,

you tell him that the entire armies of the United States,

England, Spain and Russia

are getting prepared to march against him.

It'’s not going to make any difference, Jim.

He'’s got one of those horrible bombs of his

planted in the dungeon,

and he would just as soon blow up everything

and everyone for miles around

than be captured.

Oh, my God, I'’m going to be one of them.

Jim, you have to trust me.

Please.

Mmm.

Oh.

I think I love you.

(dog barking)

♪ ♪

(steam hissing)

(high-pitched voice): Oh, what a night!

Well, I guess

I never had such a good time in my whole life.

Dancing, champagne flowing, men fighting over me.

Oh, I never knew girls had so much fun.

And that Gabrielle.

Well, she and I got along so famously,

she wants to take a room with me,

be my roomie.

(laughs)

(in his deep voice): Well, a lot of the girls room together.

Seemed like a great idea to me at the time.

By the way, don'’t trust Gabrielle.

Why not?

She works for Junior.

How do you know?

Everybody in Wagon Gap works for Junior.

It'’s a company town.

What are you doing? What'’s that?

This is just possibly the stronghold

where Junior entertained us.

We were here.

After I left the saloon... Huh?

. ...I took a walk with Carmelita, Junior'’s sister

She said she wanted to come over to our side.

. She told me some things I didn'’t know before

And you trust her?

Oh, completely.

Mm-hmm. (both laugh)

(crickets chirping)

WEST: That'’s the only plac e she could have gone.

What if we find her?

She might be telling the truth.

Junior is something to be afraid of,

even if you are his sister.

Let me have a look at the lock.

("Rule Britannia" plays)

It'’s all right, Penelope.

It'’s only Mr. West and Mr. Gordon.

Do you know my information

was you chaps left town two hours ago?

Well, your information'’s wrong.

We never left town.

My information was that you were taken in

by another pretty face, Mr. West,

a very pretty face.

Oh, do you have Carmelita?

No, Ms. Loveless rode out of town

in a southwesterly direction.

Unfortunately, our man lost her

in the dark shortly after that.

Have you seen the Russians yet?

Mm. Very clumsy bunch, the Russians.

They could get us all killed if we'’re not careful.

Well, gentlemen, if that'’s all?

. No, it isn'’t

How'’d you fin d this place?

This? This is the flat Michelito Loveless uses

when he'’s in Wagon Gap.

We'’ve had it under surveillance for some time now.

Gentlemen,

it'’s quite al l right if you want

to putter around the fringes of our investigation,

? but do try not to get in our way, won'’t you

PENELOPE: Don'’t move , Mr. Gordon.

I want to remember you always

the way you are right now--

speechless.

I think we'’re losing.

Let'’s get out of here.

. They'’re not bad

Yeah? Well, that Captain Sir David Edney

tops the list of guys

I'’d like to meet in a dark alley some night.

I wouldn'’t min d meeting Penelope

under those circumstances, I can tell you.

(chuckles) What do you want to do?

You want to go after Junior,

wait for him to get in touch with us?

Let'’s go after him.

How?

Catch up with Carmelita.

She could have backtracked on us, you know.

We could be riding right into a trap.

Junior'’s out there somewhere.

You can'’t go back to your career,

and I can'’t go back to my comforts

till we find that little monster.

(birds chirping)

Send a message to my brother

that Mr. Gordon and Mr. West will be arriving,

not by train but by horseback.

You... You should be able to capture them real easily

when they come through that ravine

down there.

Wait a minute.

♪ ♪

Signal my brother to send in some more men.

Looks like we have more company than we expected.

Ah, Jim, if only you can live long enough

to know how sorry I am.

♪ ♪

Gentlemen, I am happy to announce

that your warm and cozy graves are open

and awaiting your occupancy.

Junior, you can kill us, and I'’m sure you will,

but it won'’t get you one step closer

to where you want to be.

No, but it'’s going to mak e me feel so much better,

and my father-- wherever he is--

will rest easier knowing

that his death has been avenged by me.

. You know, frankly, gentlemen, you'’ve disappointed me

e I thought you'’d do mor

. with the few extra days to live I'’ve given you

What did you expect, the major powers of the world

to roll over and play dead,

all because of threats from some little pipsqueak?

Pipsqueak?

Pipsqueak?!

Which one of them called me a pipsqueak?

All of them.

Ah! I have their monarchs and heads of states in custody.

I can wipe out any city with a wave of my hand.

Does that sound like the work of a pipsqueak?

Well... it sounds like the work of a sort of...

powerful pipsqueak, yeah.

(scoffs)

And still they refuse my offer for unconditional surrender.

. Well... well, they'’ll pay

They'’ll pay with th e lives of their monarchs

and their ordinary citizens by the millions.

But... first things first.

And Mr. West, Mr. Gordon, that would be you.

I was afraid we'’d be way down on the list. I was hoping.

You know, I'’ve thought o f countless ingenious ways

of disposing of you,

sending you on your way into the ethereal,

but I can'’ t decide on one.

You mean, we get a-a say in the matter?

You might be able to help.

You know, taxidermy, I'’ve alway s wanted to take up taxidermy.

The two of you might look beautiful

mounted in my trophy room.

(chuckles)

Well, we'’l l decide that later,

but it'’s... fun t o think about, you know?

Alan, put them in the cage

with Grover Cleveland, our President.

Uh, first, I'’d like a word with Mr. West alone.

(clears throat)

No sentimentality?

No sentimentality.

JUNIOR: No sentimentality!

Oh, Jim...

I am in love with you.

Well, at least I was when I was with you alone.

But, when you'’re no t around, somehow I...

Well, blood must be thicker than water.

Carmelita, you may have been lying to me last night,

but there was a lot of truth in some of the things you said.

There was?

He would sacrifice you.

And you do have reason to be afraid.

Now, after we'’re gone,

you don'’t have a friend in the world.

I can'’t liste n to this.

Carmelita, this may be your last chance.

Well, it'’ s yours for sure.

Alan!

Bye.

Something bothering you, Mr. West?

You keep your hands off of me.

Or what, Mr. West?

Not now, Jim.

(rattles keys)

Anytime, Mr. West.

Anytime at all.

Mr. President,

my name is James West and this is Artemus Gordon.

We'’re with the Secret Service. Aren'’t you the people

that are supposed to see nothing like this ever happens

to the President of the United States?!

Yes, sir.

That'’s, uh , quite right.

e. (clears throat): That'’s why we'’re her

We'’re gonna try an d remedy that situation.

Be interested to see how.

Particularly, since you seem to be

in as bad a predicament as I am.

Well, I can certainly see where it might look that way.

(punch landing)

Don'’t do that again, young lady.

(clears throat)

It is against every instinct I possess

to strike a woman, but I must warn you.

Yes.

All right.

I hope you realize how unfeminine

this sort of behavior is.

(clears throat)

Ah, Your Majesty.

Your Majesty.

Get up, man.

Don'’t b e ridiculous.

Who are you people?

, Uh, Captain Sir David Edney, British Intelligence, ma'’am

and this is my assistant, Miss Penelope Devery.

Has anyone in England even noticed

that I'’m no longer sitting on the throne?

. Uh, no, ma'’am

Fortunately, we'’ve been abl e to keep that a secret so far.

A secret?

Well, ma'’am, th e other Victoria

looks so much like you and talks

so much like you...

The other Victoria?

In fact, we weren'’ t altogether sure ourselves

. that she isn'’t you

Well, she isn'’t, I can assure you!

Well, I suppose if anyone would know that,

Your Majesty, you would.

? VICTORIA: Captain Edney. Yes, ma'’am

Get me out of here!

! That'’s an order

No need to concern yourself, Your Majesty.

I have already begun to put my mind to it.

(clears throat)

Who was that girl who brought us in?

Girl?

Oh, that girl.

Well, she'’s just an ordinary,

every day, run-of-the-mill American girl.

Just another pretty face, you might say.

Do you mean to say that all American girls are that strong?

Strong?

You thought she was strong?

Mm.

She didn'’t even loo k particularly healthy to me.

EDNEY: Oh.

(clears throat)

What are your plans for getting out of here?

Well, David, we'’ve been going over the whole situation,

and we'’ve decided...

Yes?

...there isn'’t any way out of here.

Oh.

Hmm.

(clears throat)

(snoring)

Artie...

? let'’s get to work, huh

. Keep an eye on '’em

Same two guards, both asleep.

(snoring)

I'’ll pass it to Edney.

Know how to use one of these?

Of course.

We cooperate?

Agreed.

(snoring)

Shh.

(yells)

Let '’em out, Artie.

Her Majesty must go first.

No one takes precedence over the Queen of England.

This is the United States and the President

takes precedence in the United States.

It is unthinkable that the Czar of all the Russias

should be preceded by anyone.

EDNEY: I'’m terribly sorry . This is not...

(shouting in many languages)

He is the Czar of Russia!

Shut up!

(shouting stops)

I don'’t have time for all of this.

Now, all of you kings, queens, presidents and followers,

shut up!

Que dice?

Shut up. Shut up?

Now, I don'’t know if we have two minutes or two seconds

or if we'’re already too late.

(chatter in many languages)

JIM: But...

we have reason to believe that there is a bomb

hidden in this dungeon, a horrible bomb!

Que dice?

Aye, una bomba. Boom-boom-boom.

(chatter in many languages)

JIM: And I want all you kings

and all you queens and all you followers

to look for that bomb!

(chatter in many languages)

Nada.

There'’s nothing in there, no.

And I don'’t quite...

Excuse me, Your Majesty.

I beg your pardon, ma'’am. Yes.

(chatter in many languages)

♪ ♪

Artemus, could this be it?

ARTEMUS: Could be.

Jim?

What is that?

It'’s our passport out of here.

Easy.

Easy.

Let'’s go.

Hitch up the horses. Go!

Come on, come on.

Mr. President and Your Majesties,

in the wagons.

You can'’t seriousl y ask Her Majesty

to ride in a thing like that.

Captain Edney, you are a blithering idiot.

. Yes, ma'’am

Are you sure?

I'’ll have the horses waiting out by the well.

If we'’re not there in a little while, you go on.

You'’ll be there.

Get those people as far away from here as soon as possible,

in case this thing goes off.

We'’ll try and hold '’em back.

Good luck, old chap.

Some other time.

Ah, yes, of course. Quite right.

I'’ll be waiting Waiting?

I'’ll explai n later.

. All right, let'’s go

Hyah!

(elevator motor whining)

That won'’t wor k with me, Mr. West.

You'’re gonna have t o fight your way past me.

(grunts)

♪ ♪

(groans)

And what'’s the matter with you?

He broke me.

That'’s a pretty fiendish thing to do.

Well, so is this, Junior.

That bomb is of no use to anyone

unless you know how to detonate it.

. Maybe there'’s more than one way

What do you mean?

Well, we could kick it around the room

or throw it against the wall...

...or bounce it off your head!

It doesn'’t work that way.

. Well, let'’s find out

No!

(beeping)

No, it might malfunction.

(scoffs)

All right, what do you want?

Your prisoners have already escaped.

We don'’t want you to go after them.

We'’re gonna follow them to make sure you don'’t.

And once they'’re safely out of the country,

we'’re comin'’ back for you, Junior.

If I could only be sure that you'’d come back.

We'’ll be back, Junior.

You can count on it.

Jim, take me with you.

Carmelita!

Oh, Jim, you have to take me with you, please?

It doesn'’t matter if you go or if you stay.

From this moment in time, you are under a sentence

of death!

He means it, Jim.

. (whispering): Besides, there'’s somethin g you don'’t know

(beeping)

Alan, stay!

My only living blood relative treats me like this?

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

No, no, come on.

No, what you don'’t understand is

that he can explode this bomb

at incredible distances,

and I know he'’s gonna wait

until we get far enough away

and push the button.

(creaking)

Oh, ho-ho.

Oh, perfect.

Your death will be more painful than theirs, Carmelita!

(elevator whirring)

Good-bye, Michelito.

(groaning)

No!

(sinister chuckle)

(distant rumbling explosion)

(horses whinnying)

Eight, nine,

ten.

It'’s the end o f Michelito Junior.

I'’m afraid not.

No one could possibly have lived through that explosion.

He didn'’t have to.

I know of at least five replicas

he made of himself last year.

My guess is he'’s got one

in every major city in the world.

Does that mean we'’re gonna have to stay in the Service

until we hunt down every one

of those dangerous little pip-squeaks?

Not me.

I hired on for one Michelito Junior.

. The rest can belong to anybody that wants '’em

Well, I don'’t.

You don'’ t understand, Jim.

I can be of great help to Penelope in her career.

Introduce her to the right managers,

help her select the right roles.

I'’m sure she'’s a very lucky girl, Artie,

I just hope she knows how to show her appreciation.

Oh, come on, Jim.

Mr. West?

There'’s no getting away this time.

(sighs)

Give me your gun.

What?

I said give me your gun.

I'’m not gonna shoot you.

I just want to show you something.

Quit pickin'’ on me.

(chuckling)

Oh, Nadia.

I thought you left with the Czar.

I defected to the West.

e Well, I wish you'’d told m

you were thinking about that.

I am working at Mint Saloon now,

and I am late.

So good-bye, Mr. West.

Good-bye, Mr. Gordon.

Nadia.

(clucks tongue)

You know, I'’ll bet with just a little training

that girl would make a fine actress.

Maybe I settled on Penelope a little too soon.

I mean, that girl'’s got...

I never thought I would hear a sordid remark like that

coming from your mouth, Artemus.

James.

Hugo.

What are you doing here?

Uncle Skinny sent me out here to keep an eye on you two.

But I couldn'’t find you.

Where were you looking?

(stammering)

Have you two wound up the case yet?

It'’s wound, Hugo.

Well, I wonder if you could do me a favor?

In your report to Uncle Skinny, uh,

could you include a message from me?

Tell him that I'’ve decide d to take his advice

and move out West.

You'’ll be sorely missed by the Secret Service.

Well, this little filly here

seems to think I could become a big man in the West.

It'’s a depressin g thought,

but she'’ s probably right.

Good-bye, Jim.

Please give my regards to your mother.

I will.

Good-bye, Artemus.

(steam hissing)

Is the President still aboard?

And a girl.

A girl?

Just as far as Kansas City.

You can drop us both off there.

Why not?

We are going to escort the President

safely to Washington,

then it'’s bac k to Mexico for me,

and you, dear Artie,

anyplace you like- and the girl.

Fair enough.

Well...

sure was fun, wasn'’t it?

I haven'’t stoppe d laughing.

And we did defeat Michelito Loveless Junior.

Or did we?

Of course we did.

What do you mean?

What if...

the real people were on the thrones in the first place,

and those people in the dungeon were replicas?

Now we are substituting replicas

for real people.

Maybe that'’s what Junior wanted in the first place, Artie.

Oh, no, that'’s ridiculous.

Artie, excuse me for a minute.

Of course.

Well, I'’m ready.

You are taking me with you, aren'’t you?

No.

Why not?

You wouldn'’t b e happy there.

That'’s not the real reason, is it?

Carmelita,

you'’re the loveliest thing I'’ve ever seen,

but I wouldn'’t trust you an inch and a half.

Why not?

You'’ve got confused loyalties.

With five little Juniors loose in the world,

I wouldn'’t know whether to expect a kiss on the cheek

or a knife in the back.

A guy could get killed loving you.

Good-bye, Jim.

Say, James, listen.

You you were kidding about the real people

? being on the throne all along, weren'’t you

Was I?

Come to think of it,

how do I know you'’re the real Artemus Gordon?

How do you know I'’m the real James West?

Think about it.

Frightening, isn'’t it?

All aboard... whoever we are.

(whistle blowing)

(steam hissing, engine chugging)

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

I'’m Robert T. "Skinny" Malone, IV,

present-day head of a United States bureau

so secret I don'’t even know what it is.

The show you have seen this evening was taken

from the ancient files of that bureau.

It was only when we dug out these files

that we realized there were still

some unanswered questions regarding this case.

It seems unlikely that Dr. Loveless

actually did have atom bombs

hidden in the cities of Washington, D.C.,

London, Moscow and Madrid,

or that those bombs could have remained hidden until today.

However,

if you should run across anything that looks like this,

it might be wise to notify your local sheriff.

Or better yet, your United States Secret Service.

Good night and sleep well.

♪ ♪

(whistle blowing)

(theme song playing)