All language subtitles for The Wild Wild West Revisited, idem (1979) esenit ENGLISH 2

♪ ♪

(spurs jangling)

(click)

The thing that alarms me
the most about this whole thing

is that our reports
from Europe indicate

there are three different groups
of foreign agents

operating in our country--

one from England,
one from Russia

and one from Spain.

They think the United
States government

is involved
with this?

Obviously.

Involved
in what?

I didn'’t catc
h the problem.

The problem is
that people on the thrones

of England, Russia and Spain
are not Queen Victoria,

the Czar
or the King of Spain.

Well, who
are they?

Impostors.

Impostors who look so much
like their real counterparts

that no one has dared
even launch an investigation.

Well, where are the real
monarchs supposed to be?

Somewhere in the United States.

I know, it sounds incredible,

t
but we'’ve gotten the same repor

from three
of our best agents in Europe.

We can'’t ignore it.

(laughs):
It sounds crazy to me.

Hugo, will you shut up?

The only reason
you'’re at this meeting

is because I want you
to pick up my laundry.

(clears throat)

Well, Henry, Joseph,
you'’ve heard my plan.

What do you
think of it?

Well, considering the
facts, or the lack of them,

it makes a certain
amount of sense.

Ifwe can talk them
into coming out of retirement.

I'’ve managed
to keep track of them.

Jim West has been living
in the town of Tacate, Mexico,

ever since he retired.

Artemus Gordon,
for the last six months,

has been
with a traveling tent show

called the Deadwood
Shakespearean Strolling Players,

"with assorted jugglers,
fire-eaters,

and three-- count them, three--
beautiful, live girls."

As opposed, I guess,
to three ugly, dead girls.

Check their
itinerary.

I want West
and Gordon on this.

You leave
for Mexico tonight.

Am I to understand, sir,

that you'’re going
to bring a couple of overaged,

out-of-shape ex-agents
out of retirement

to handle this case,
when the Service is full

of young,
deserving agents who...

who-who'’ve just been spoiling
at a chance

to prove
themselves?

Mexico. Tonight.

Yes, sir,
but-but if I may add, sir...

You may not.

How didheget
in the Secret Service?

He'’s your wife'
’s nephew, sir.

I thought
we had a gentleman'’s agreement

never to mention that.

Uncle Bob, if I go to Mexico,

I won'’t be able
to pick up your laundry.

Out!

(train whistle blows)

(train chugging)

(kids laughing and talking)

(band plays upbeat tune)

(man hooting)

(man hooting)

(hooting and whistling)

Jesus, quit chasing
your sister.

(woman speaking Spanish)

BOY:
S￭, senor, Papa.

Rufina, quit teasing
your brother!

(woman speaking Spanish)

(man shouting, gunfire)

(women screaming)

(gunfire)

(man speaking Spanish)

(woman screams)

(horse snorts)

(gunshot, crowd exclaiming)

(man talking and singing
in Spanish)

WOMAN:
No! No!

(man singing)

(blow landing,
woman screaming)

(man continues
singing)

(man singing)

Oh,s￭.

Con permiso, senor.

This is my woman.

No, senor,
that is your woman.

That is my woman,
that is my woman,

that is my woman,
and that is my woman.

Four women is too much
for one man, senor.

For some men,
four is barely enough.

Bueno, pues,I borrow this one
for a few minutes, eh?

(speaking Spanish)

(band plays upbeat tune)

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

One highly-trained man

against four
ignorant peasants?

You should have concluded that
in half the time, Mr. West.

Who are you?

Hugo Kaufman,

United States
Secret Service.

What do you mean,
ignorant peasants?

Those men are bandits,
ruthless killers.

If you say so, Mr. West.

I suppose you could have
handled it better.

No reflection on you, sir,
but, uh, I do imagine

that our training program
in the old days

was a bit less thorough
than it is today.

What...
What was your name again?

Hugo Kaufman.

I can see you and I aren'’t goin
g to get along at all, Hugo.

To be quite frank
with you, Mr. West,

I thought the scheme to be a bit
wild and impractical myself.

Why was that?

Well, to revive a couple
of overage,

sagging retirees

when the Department is full
of young, vigorous agents.

But Uncle Bob
felt that...

Who?

(clears throat):
I-I meant to say,
Robert T. Malone,

the new head of the Secret
Service, felt that...

Skinny Malone is the new head
of the Secret Service?

I believe
I said Robert T. Malone.

(laughing)

That'’s Skinny.

Hugo, when I retired,

they wouldn'’t even
let him out alone at night.

(laughing)

Then am I to report
to Director Malone

that you'’ve turned down
this assignment?

Hugo, sit down.

(guitar playing gentle melody)

Why does Skinny think
that Artemus and I

are right for this assignment?

I'’m sure I don'’t know,
Mr. West, unless...

Unless it'’s because they feel
that Dr. Michelito Loveless

is behind all of this.

I believe you two had
some experiences with him.

Oh, we had some experiences.

But I happen to know

that Michelito Loveless
has been dead for five years.

Well, evidently, you didn'’t kno
w that he had a son,

Michelito Loveless Jr.

Of course I know
that he had a son.

I'’ve known him
since he was that big.

He'’s still that big.

Another Michelito Loveless
loose in the world.

Is he as ruthless as his father?

Moreruthless.

You know, I don'’t know

if I want to work
with Artemus Gordon again.

I'’m mad at him.

About what?

I can'’t remember, but I remembe
r that I am mad at him.

Uh, you realize, of course,
that Artemus and I

report directly to the President
of the United States,

andonlyto the President
of the United States.

I'’m afraid that won'’t
be possible this time.

Why not?

Because we'’re not
absolutely sure

that the man in the White House

really is President Cleveland.

(inhales and exhales loudly)

We'’ll get right on it.

Can you speak for Gordon?

Yes, I can.

In that case,

Skinny asked me to get...

(clears throat):
Uncle Bob said that if I ...

(clears throat)

Director Malone asked me
to give you this.

He said it was
self-explanatory.

Uh, we'’ll need our train again.

(sighs)

Mr. West, we located your train
on a siding near Kansas City

where it also happens

that Artemus Gordon
is appearing this week.

Uncle Bob,

huh?

Well, that explains
a lot of things.

Good-bye,
Mr. West.

Sagging.

ARTEMUS:
Come out of retirement?

And give up all this?

(scoffs)

You must be mad.

Artie,

look, can'’t we discuss this
in private?

Let'’s go to your dressing room.

Thisismy
dressing room.

Oh.

Besides, why would
I want to go

to work with you again after
the dirty trick you did me?

What dirty trick?

I don'’t remember.

I just remember
it was dirty, that'’s all.

Come on, Artie.

We can probably
wind this thing up

in a couple
of weeks.

We might just
have some fun.

Yes. We might also
get ourselves killed.

Well, it can'’t b
e any more dangerous

than walking out on
that stage every night.

James...
Honey.

?
Sweet desire,
can'’t we go out tonight, please

And you can
bring him along, too.

And I'’ll get a girl for you.

(laughs)

(sighs)

That does it.

I'’m ready. Let'’s go.

Sweet desire? Artie.

Gordon!

Your act is the worst
I'’ve ever seen on any stage!

I'’m sick of yo
u messing up my show!

You'’re fired!

Mr. Deadwood...

Artie, that'’s
my department.

You been sick
or something?

No, why?

You didn'’t knock tha
t guy more than 12 feet.

I'’m afraid all thos
e years of soft living

has dulled the edge
of your skills.

Well, don'’
t you worry.

From here on out, I
take over your training.

And one month from now, you'’l
l either be in top shape...

or two weeks dead.

(train whistle blowing)

(sighs)

(gasps):
More?

(train whistle blowing)

42, 43...

Now, wait-wait
a minute,

Hold it, hold
it, hold it.

Wait, hold it.

Do it all over again
from the beginning.

Go.

One...

two, three, four,

five, six...

nine, ten...

(groans)

17...

18...

You'’re doing fine!

Just a little bit weak
in the sprints.

I'’ll have the engineer
speed up the next five miles.

(train whistle blowing)

Artie, I hope you'’re not
wearing yourself out

pulling on that rope.

Save your breath.

The last four miles are uphill.

Skinny sure hasn'’t given us
a whole lot to go on, has he?

All he had to
go on, I guess.

How'’d they figure anyone
could come up with substitutes

identical enough to fool
whole nations of people?

Michelito, Sr.
used to dabble

in that department,
remember, Artie?

Yeah.

Surgery, facial surgery.

Never good enough
to try anything this big.

Maybe Michelito Jr.
picked up

where Michelito, Sr. left off,
with a few improvements

of his own.

Yeah.

(chuckles):
Wagon Gap, Arizona?

Why are we going
to Wagon Gap, Arizona?

It'’s all in there.

That'’s the last place
that Junior was seen.

Now, our instructions are
we'’re supposed to go

to the Mint Saloon and wait
and see what happens.

Jim, tell me the truth.

Did you ever think that
Skinny Malone had brains enough

to get this high in the Service?

Artemus, at no time
did I ever think

that Skinny Malone had brains.

(laughs)

(train whistle blowing)

(bell clanging)

(bell continues clanging)

Mr. West?

So it finally happens.

What finally happens,
young man?

I'’ve been looking
all over the West for you...

ever since I was old enough
to lift a gun.

Now, why would you
be doing that, son?

Because I knew someday
I'’d run into you

and get you for killing my pa.

You stay right
where you are, Mister!

I think it'’s only fair
to warn you, Mr. West,

that I ain'’t done nothing much
in my life except practice

for this minute.

You got the wrong man.

(chuckles):
Oh.

Mr. West, I was just a kid,

but I was standing right there
when you killed my pa,

!
and I'’ll never forget your face

Now, when I count to four...

Four?
Four?

...we'’re gonna go for our guns.

And if you don'’t go for yours,

well, that'’s
your tough luck.

One...

two...

three... four!

(screams)

I draw with either hand.

(groans)

I figured
you might.

(gasping)

(panting)

I'’ll never stop till I get you!

What was
your pa'’s name, son?

Miller Jason.

Get those wrists
taken care of.

If you want your guns,
you can pick up

in the saloon
after we'’ve left.

Now, get out
of here.

Why didn'’t you go
for your guns?

'’Cause I knew you'’d
think of something.

Did you ever
know his father?

He was killed in a raid a bunch
of us made about ten years ago.

I didn'’t kill his father,

but I knew the kid
would never believe that.

Well, who did?
You did.

(lively music playing)

(cheering, laughing, whistling)

♪ ♪

Will you take care of these?

Two beers.

(whistling)

(music stops, cheering)

Oh, great!

(laughing)

(cheering, whistling)

Hey, Jim.

That'’s hot and heavy work,
isn'’t it?

Uh-huh.
(chuckles)

Aren'’t you a little young
to be in a place like this?

No.

I guess all girls in general

are just beginning to look
younger and younger to me.

You really don'’
t remember me,

do you, Jim?

Of course I remember you.
How could I forget?

You were, uh, very fond
of me at one time.

Or at least you
said you were.

Well, I can see why I would be.

You used to take me
all kinds of places.

I used to take you
all kinds of places?

Well, then, how could
I ever forget you?

I don'’t care how many years
have passed.

Well, evidently
you have.

All right, I surrender.

Do you remember
Jennifer Jackson?

I was very much
in love with her.

I know.

She'’s my mother.

Your mother?

Uh-huh.

I'’m gonna be sick.

(laughing)

You'’re little Gabby.

Yes!

I'’m gonna be very sick.

Well, what'’s the matter?

I was gonna invite you
to dinner,

among other things.

Great.

I get off at 6:00.

No, no.

No, I-I couldn'’t.

(chuckles)
Why not?

No, no, really, I couldn'’t.

It wouldn'’t be,
it wouldn'’t be decent.

Listen, you'’ll feel better
when you get used to the idea.

Uh, I'’ll be bac
k in a little while.

(giggles)

(sighs)

?
Makes you feel a thousand
years old, doesn'’t it

You realize you got
ties older than her?

I need a real drink.

.
Good idea.
I'’ll join you

Two whiskeys.

Same for me.

There you go.

Joys of
growing old.

(scoffs)

(sighs)

How long are we supposed
to wait around here

before something
happens?

Not long, I imagine.

(inhales deeply)

It'’s all right, fellas,

just some Eastern dudes couldn'’
t handle our Western whiskey.

(laughter and cheering)

Come on,
drinks are on the house.

Come on!

♪ ♪

(squeaking)

(man laughing)

Come in, gentlemen, come in,
come in, come in, come in.

(laughing)

r
I don'’t, I don'’t belie
ve you'’ve met my siste

Carmelita.

Tell me, Mr. West, how
is your family in Mexico?

It must have been...
painful to leave them.

Mr. Gordon, how is
your theatrical career?

You know, you'’ll never be as
famous as John Wilkes Booth...

or as good.

(laughing)

Oh, you see, I'’ve kept track
of the two of you

ever since my father died

and left me this tiny
but exquisitely powerful empire.

I'’ve know
n where you were.

I could have had you killed at
any time, any day, any minute,

but no,
I thought something special

for the two men who drove
my father to an early grave.

How did we do that?

My father died of ulcers...

(winces)

...ulcers brought on
by the two of you

constantly interfering
with his plans!

Our father was
the greatest man in the world.

He was the greatest man

who ever lived...

(clears throat)

...till I was
born, of course.

Father had one tiny,

tragic flaw in his character.

And what was the flaw, you ask?

.
All right,
I'’ll ask

What was
that flaw?

It was a streak of mercy
running through his soul

which neither my sister

or I possess.

(laughs)

Did you know
Michelito Loveless

had a streak
of mercy?

Silence!

(groans)

Carmelita,

let'’s show Mr. Wes
t and Mr. Gordon

what they'’re u
p against this time.

(clears throat)

Gentlemen,
this is Sonya and Alan.

Sonya and Alan are two
of the most extraordinary people

the world will ever see.

But you don'’t know
what I'’m talking about, do you?

Sonya,

Alan.

Sonya, demonstrate.

(beeping)

Try to get up, Mr. West.

(beeping continues,
Michelito laughing)

Alan, not to forget Mr. Gordon.

(panting)

(screams)

(gasps)

(yells)

(grunting)

Alan, tha-that'’s enough.

This is a demonstration,
not an execution.

Not yet.

And now the explanation.

I call Sonya and Alan
my $600 people.

Why do I call them
my $600 people?

Ah, because that'’s wha
t it cost to build them:

six hundred dollars.

$609, if you must know
the truth.

Alan and Sonya

are both quadruple amputees.

I have designed new arms
and legs for them

that are a hundred years
ahead of their time.

Through the clever use
of pulleys and leverage,

they'’re the strongest and
the fastest people in the world.

Why, the implications
are obvious.

If I can build two $600 people,
I can build an army of them.

As a matter of fact,

the cost should come down
through mass production.

You two look
intelligent.

Are you going along
with this crackpot?

Silence!

I will not have my authority
undermined by strangers!

Besides, we have a little tour
to take right now.

Have you fully recovered,
Mr. Gordon?

I'’m fine,
I'’m fine, I'’m fine.

Good.

Then let'’s be on with it.

Follow me.

(door opens)

(footsteps
approaching)

You are about to meet the most
distinguished group of people

ever gathered in one dungeon.

(indistinct
yelling)

Silence!

Czar Nicholas,
Czar of all the Russias.

Her Royal Majesty,

Queen Victoria
of England.

This is an outrage.

King Alfonso
deEspana.

Ustedes lo pagaran.

Yo soy

el rey de Espana
Alfonso.

¡Silencio!

Grover Cleveland, President
of the United States.

Speechless, gentlemen?

If these
are the real monarchs,

who'’s sitting
on the thrones of Europe?

Replicas, exact replicas

created by me,
answerable only to me.

So you see, Mr. West,

I'’ve already conquered most
of the civilized world.

I'’ll get around to
the other parts as time permits.

Tell the guards
to take their Royal Majesties

to Observation Hill.

Mr. Gordon and Mr. West

will join me
for a sentimental journey.

Follow me!

I am sure that Mr. West
and Mr. Gordon would like

to pay their last respects
to my father.

Ah, Daddy would enjoy the sight

of the two of you kneeling...

kneeling at the foot
of his shrine.

I promised you this, Daddy,
and I delivered.

If you'’re trying to contac
t your father, Junior,

you'’re looking
in the wrong direction.

You know, I think you'’ve missed

two of the shrine'’s
finer points.

Yeah, Daddy, Daddy would love
being buried someplace

where he could look down on you.

(laughs)

But not yet, not yet.

Off to Observation Point.

Your Majesties, Mr. President,

what you are about to see is
beyond your wildest imaginings.

You will not believe your eyes,

it'’s so pretty.

After the demonstration,
you will be given 20 minutes

to write
to your respective countries

and demand
an immediate surrender... to me.

(all yelling indistinctly)
¡Yo soy Rey Alfonso!

Silence!

Now, behold.

(chuckles)

Isn'’t that incredible?

Always the same
damn mushroom cloud.

Seven, eight, nine,

ten.
(wind whistling)

Take them back to their cells.

See to it they have plenty
of writing paper.

Get that thing off me.

Gordon, West, you will rejoin me
in the library.

¿Qu￩ animales
son estos?

¿Qu￩ animal?

Well, Mr. West,
Mr. Gordon,

do you still think
there'’s anything

or anyone that
can stop me?

From what?

From dominating
the world.

Stay.

Junior, you'’re crazier
than your father ever was.

Did it ever occur to you
that my father was,

and I am, completely sane,
and the two of you

and the rest of the world
are mentally deficient?

No.
That never occurred to me.

That ever occur to you, Artie?
Never.

Did it ever occur to you

that my father was normal-sized
and the two of you

might be throwbacks
to caveman types?

Now, that occurred to me.
(chuckles)

Well, enjoy yourself,
Mr. Gordon.

You have 30 days to live.

Hey, little man...

"Little man"?!

"Little man"?! I will have
you know that in my family,

I am a giant among the men!

I towered over my father.

?
Well, who didn'’t

Mommy didn'’t.

I, uh... I believe
our distinguished guests

should have their letters
of surrender finished by now.

You will take them to the...

to the appropriate embassies.

Junior, you'’re dreaming.

Fools!

Idiots!

You saw the explosion.

I have harnessed the very energy

that is the source
of our universe.

w
But you still don'’t kno

anything about
people, Junior.

Hmm.

I know this much about people--

they don'’t like to die.

They'’re afraid.

When they find out

that I have one
of my magnificent bombs

planted in all the major cities
of the world--

in Rome,

in Moscow, in London--

they just might find the word

"surrender"
a bit more palatable.

Sonya?

Alan?

The needle.

When you awaken,
you'’ll be on your train

heading back to Washington, DC.

Deliver your messages.

Tell your people
what you'’ve seen.

Remember, you must be back
at the Mint Saloon in Wagon Gap

by 12:00 midnight, June 13.

I repeat, 12:00 midnight,
June 13.

If not, a large
Eastern American city

will disappear.

(evil laughter)

(steam whistle blows)

(belt clatters)

Artie?

Artie?

(gasps, grunts)

What'’s the matter with you?

Artie, do you have any
idea how we got here?

"How we got here"?

I don'’t even
know where we'’ve been.

Artie, what was
that explosive?

James, there'’s nothing
I know known to man

that could possibly
cause an explosion that size.

I figure we had to be
ten miles away from that blast.

Yeah, about.

Well, taking a quick
triangulation in my head,

I figure if the area
of total devastation

was almost a mile,
a mile and a half...

No, no, Artie, it
was bigger than that.

It was probably...
two miles.

All right, two miles.

The area of additional
destruction had to go even

beyond the area
of a blast.

Junior has himself
a real winner.

Listen, those $600-people
are no joke, either.

Artie, you could have
handled Alan

if you'’d just remember
some of the things I taught you.

Even with the Army and Navy
on my side,

I could not have handled Alan.

They'’re going
to ask for a written report.

They'’re probably going to want
some suggestions, too.

Well, I got a suggestion.

Surrender.

The Crowned Heads of Europe
and President Cleveland

in iron cages somewhere
in the Arizona desert?

$600-people
who can outrun a train

and move mountains
with their bare hands?!

One bomb that can
destroy an entire city?!

Have you two started
drinking in the morning?

e
Skinny, we don'’t hav

all the time in the
world to convince you.

You said you'’d been drugged.

Did it ever occur to you
that you were hallucinating?

Both of us together?

Hallucinating
the same hallucinations,

at the same time?

Would you like
to see the bruises

from my "hallucinations"?

How do you spell
"hallucination"?

Quit taking notes, Hugo.

I don'’t want any record
of this meeting.

How sure are you

that you actually saw
President Cleveland?

More to the point--

?
how sure are you
that we didn'’t

Not very sure.

This may seem a bit
indelicate, but, uh...

if the man in the White House
isn'’t President Cleveland,

wouldn'’t Mrs. Cleveland
know it?

She was the first one
to suspect,

if you know what I mean,

but even she isn'’t sure.

He walks like
President Cleveland.

He talks
like President Cleveland.

He bumbles around ineptly
like President Cleveland.

Hugo, you write that
down, I'’ll kill you.

In your position,
it'’s imperative

you have a transcript
of all of this.

Otherwise, history may judge
you insane, Uncle Bob.

Hugo, don'’t ever mention
our relationship again.

No more Uncle Bob.

Skinny, I want to point out
something to you.

Junior said that
he had planted a bomb

in a large Eastern city.

He didn'’t say
it wasn'’t Washington, DC.

(chuckles):
Well...

I'’d hardly consider
Washington an Eastern city.

If you lived in Arizona,
you would.

When did you want to go back?

Right away.

Wait until tomorrow morning.

I want to think about this

and see how much of it
I believe.

Skinny.

Yes?

Believe.

(door closes)

Well, Hugo,
what'’s your evaluation?

Senility.

I'’ve said right along
what we needed

was younger men
on this assignment.

Go to your office, Hugo.

Yes, Uncle Bob.

(door closes)

Creep.

ARTEMUS:
Capital Hotel.

(whistles)

"Have you two started
drinking in the morning?"

.
Skinny'’s sudden rise to th
e top'’s affected his mind

Well, it is kind
of a wild story, you know.

I don'’t know how much
of it I believe myself.

You know, Jim,
staying over an extra day

is going to cut it
awfully close if we have

to be in Wagon Gap
by the thirteenth.

.
Maybe we won'’t wait fo
r Skinny'’s permission to leave

Right.

What'’s the worst
that can happen to us?

He'’ll fire us off the job.

Which we never asked
for in the first place.

Right. From here on out,
we do it our own way.

With no interference,
Artie, from anyone.

I'’m sorry, gentlemen,

but I am a stranger
in a strange land,

and I must ask
for your protection.

Well, of course.

Protection from what?

Anything, anything--
it doesn'’t matter.

On this very street
in broad daylight,

I was just accosted
by three men.

Only three?

I would have thought
half of Washington

would'’ve been after you.

That'’s very gallant of you,

but it was
a terrifying experience.

(sniffling, crying)

I'’m sorry.

Oh...
I don'’t cry easily.

I hope you don'’t consider this
a breach of hospitality,

gentlemen.

I hope you realize,
young lady,

that effortlessly
we could take that gun

away from you
and make you eat it.

(silenced gunshot)

If you don'’t mind the sight
of your own blood,

by all means.

Go right ahead
and try to make me

eat my gun, Mr. Gordon.

Interested in my noiseless
firearm, Mr. West?

It'’s one of the latest
developments

of British Intelligence.

You'’re Britis
h Intelligence?

I think we'’ve talked
enough for now.

Take her gun
away from her

and make her
eat it, Artie?

Ah, Mr. West,
Mr. Gordon.

Any difficulty,
Penelope?

Mr. West and Mr. Gordon seem

unusually susceptible
to a pretty face.

e
Hmm, a weakness
we'’d never tolerat

in any of our agents.

I'’m Captain Sir David Edney,
British Intelligence.

You'’ve met Penelope.

This morning, you gentlemen
delivered letters

to the British, Russian
and Spanish embassies.

In the letter
to the British Embassy,

purportedly written by
Her Majesty, Queen Victoria...

(chuckles)

some mention was made
of the immediate

and unconditional surrender
of the British Empire.

Now, usually we dismiss
this sort of thing

as the product
of a deranged mind.

However, in this case,

I decided
to confront you gentlemen

and ask the simple question,

"What in the hell
are you people up to?"

Is British Intelligence
asking for the cooperation

of the United States
Secret Service?

If so, your Ambassador
should contact

our Secretary of State,

who will contact
our Bureau head.

We'’re not in the least bit
interested in your cooperation.

In matters that even remotely

concern Her Majesty,
we'’d never involve a bunch

of rustic,
poorly-trained Colonials.

"Colonials"?

Didn'’t we win
that war in 1776?

Britain was occupied elsewhere
in 1776.

I think it'’s only fair
to warn you,

I am not known for being
the most patient of men.

Neither is he.

Window.

(groaning)

Unbreakable glass.

Another new invention of
British Intelligence.

Actually, we stole it
from the Russians.

That was crude, Mr. West,
unbelievably crude.

Listen, Sir Captain,
or whatever your name is...

Captain Sir David Edney.

Sir David,
our two countries...

no, the entire world
is facing a threat

you can'’t even imagine
the boundaries of.

I am waiting for
you to tell me.

Oh, then, you'’re willin
g to exchange information

and start cooperating.

e
Hardly, Mr. Gordon,
it'’s a bit mor

of a one-way
street than that.

We want to know
what you know,

but whatweknow

is privileged
information.

It won'’t wor
k that way.

.
That is exactly how
it'’s going to work

Sir David,
we don'’t have time

to play these
foreign agent games.

Up against some sort of
a deadline, Mr. West?

Yes.

And so are you,
if you only knew it.

Well, would you care
to tell me?

We'’ll tel
l you nothing.

You people come
around here,

start messing around
with our country

like you still
owned it.

Forget it.

Couldn'’t have said
it better myself, Artie.
Thank you.

(snaps fingers)

Take these gentlemen to
our special guestroom.

The next King
of England

could be a little
fella about that big.

I rather liked
Mr. Gordon.

”
"“A little fell
a about that big."

Then, theyhave
made contact

with Michelito
Loveless Jr.

Hmm.

(humming "Rule, Britannia!")

How long
have we been here?

.
I don'’t know

Too long.

Why do you suppose
they haven'’t

put any pressure
on us until now?

.
They don'’t have to

We'’re the one
s fighting the deadline.

All Sir David has to do
is sit and wait us out.

(sighs)

I'’ll bet you 1,000 to one

Junior doesn'’t have those bombs
planted around.

Listen, it was a billion to one

that he didn'’t have one
in the first place.

(groans)

Hey, Artie.

Got any idea
how to get out of here?

Yeah, but it'’s a rotten idea.

I'’ll take it.

All right.

Follow my lead.

No, don'’t!

Don'’t break that!

You'’ll blow up
the whole house!

(tapping)

.
ARTEMUS:
Don'’t!
JIM:
I'’m going crazy in this room

No, don'’t light
that fuse!

I think you
have gone crazy!

I mean, after
all those years

?
of working with you,
who wouldn'’t be crazy

(keys jingling)

We'’ll all
go out together.

Thank you.
You'’re welcome.

You know, for
a rotten idea,

that worked
pretty well.

Don'’t move, Penelope.

I want
to remember you always

the way you
are now: puzzled.

(whistle blowing)

Are we going to make
it back in time?

Barring train wrecks
and more Penelopes,

but it'’s still going
to be close, Artie.

Oh, so this is how

that little noise
suppresser works, huh?

It'’s just a simpl
e little gas chamber.

I could make us each
one exactly like this.

What did you write
in the letter to Skinny?

Oh, I just told him about
the unfriendly attitude

of the British, and I
sent our love to Hugo,

and I told him
how sorry we were

that we couldn'’t find th
e time to say good-bye.

They couldn'’t find the time
to say good-bye?

And what
were they doing

fooling around
with the British anyway?

I not only think
they'’re drinking too much,

I think they'’re
getting senile.

I told you we should put
a guard on that train.

Uh, excuse me,
Uncle Bob, sir.

I believe it was
Ithat toldyou

that we should put a
guard on that train.

Hugo, you'’re going west.

West, sir?

Far, far west.

About as far west
as it'’s possible to go

and still remain
in the United States.

Wagon Gap, Arizona.

And what will I
be doing there, sir?

Find West and Gordon--

without their
knowing it--

keep them under
constant surveillance--

without their knowing it--

and report their activities
to me every day by telegraph.

And what if there'’s no
telegraph office in Wagon Gap?

Open one.

Yes, sir.

And may I add, sir, that
not only am I ready

for an assignment
of such importance,

.
but I know you'’ll al
l agree it'’s long overdue

I'’ll start preparing fo
r my trip immediately, sir.

MALONE:
Hugo.

Yes, sir?

If, after your assignment
is finished,

you should feel you'’d like
to remain

in the West and seek
your fortune, your aunt and I

will somehow manage
to console ourselves.

No need to worry
about that, Uncle Bob.

The Secret Service
is my life

and always will be.

ALL:
Creep.

We should be in Wagon Gap
in about an hour, Artie.

You go ahead of me
by 15 minutes.

That'’s probably all the leeway
we'’ll have.

And don'’t worry, you look fine.

I don'’t know
about this whole thing.

What am I supposed to do
in that saloon?

Oh, just mingle
with the other girls,

get the men to talk to you,
buy you a few drinks,

and keep your ears open.

Never know what you'’r
e going to hear.

That'’s your idea
of clever undercover work, huh?

Oh, I... I know it'’
s not much of a plan,

but it'’d be silly
for the two of us

to walk into that saloon

and put our necks
into Junior'’s noose.

And you don'’t think
they'’re going

to recognize me in this, uh?

Well, how could they?

I don'’t recognize you myself.

(snickering)

(whistle blowing)

The thing I don'’t like
about all this

is we have to sit around waiting
for Junior to act

Then, we justreact.

We ought to be more in control
of the situation.

(rumbling)

(brakes squealing)

(speaking Russian)

?
What'’d he say

I don'’t know, I don'’t
understand the language.

(gunfire)

That, I understand.

Ladies first.

Mr. West?

Good evening, Mr. Gordon.

.
You'’re looking lovely

Oh, this dress?

Well, I don'’t usually, uh...

No need to explain.

We'’ve found many
of your American customs

to be rather bizarre.

.
But I haven'’t introduced myself

I am Nadia Vinogradov.

Russian Intelligence.

You might say that.

That just leaves Spain
to be heard from.

Right.

I don'’t think the Spanish

are even aware
of what has happened yet.

Oh?

Has something
happened, Nadia?

Don'’t play games with me,
Mr. Gordon.

Several days ago,

you delivered a letter
to the Russian Embassy,

which is either
the most remarkable forgery

we have ever seen or...

well, I don'’t even want
to think about it.

Oh, don'’t worry, Mr. West.

Uh, we shan'’t
keep you long.

We know you have appointment

at the Mint Saloon
in Wagon Gap at 12:00.

Then, why'’d you stop
our train?

It seems to me
you know everything.

Not everything, Mr. West.

That Russian citizen

in Dr. Loveless'’s custody,
whoever he is,

is of vital concern
to the Russian government.

If anything should happen to him
while he'’s in your country...

well, I doubt if America
is ready for war

with Russia yet.

War? What war?

You'’re talkin
g to a couple

.
of lowly, menial
agents, that'’s all

.
We don'’t deal in wars

Our president handles
all our wars.

Which president, Mr. Gordon?

The one in Washington

or the one
in Dr. Loveless'’s dungeon?

And another thing.

We understand that you'’ve
witnessed an explosion

of the bomb that Dr. Loveless
is threatening us with.

Is it anything that we
should worry about?

Worry.

e
You know, it
doesn'’t seem to m

that, in the old days, we
had so many foreigners

interfering with
everything we did.

In the good old days,

we didn'’t run around in circles
so much, either.

You realize we haven'’t
done one thing right?

You know, there'’s...

there'’s something wrong
with that dress.

It would stick out

like a sore thumb
in a dance hall.

Needs to be more...

more off the shoulder,
mored￩collet￩.

D￩collet￩?

What are you talking about?

Well, if you got it, show it.

I don'’t have it.

Show it anyway.

Jim, that'’s the only dress
I got.

.
Why don'’t you, uh..

Make something out of this.

When you walk
into that Mint Saloon,

I want you to be popular,
sought after.

Crazy.

(piano plays lively music)

(lively chatter)

(horse neighing)

(man laughing)

Mr. West?

We meet again.

Not tonight, son.

I don'’t have time
for you tonight.

I'’m going t
o count to four,

and on the
count of four...

You can count to four thousand
if you want to, but not tonight.

Are you going to leave my guns
with the bartender again?

No.

I'’m through being nice to you.

(piano music playing,
loud chatter)

(man laughing)

One for you.
One for you.

Let me have whiskey.

You bet.

After you.

(laughter)

(laughing)

(applause and cheering)

(band plays fast-paced,
upbeat song)

(cheering and whistling)

(cheering and hooting)

(man whistling)

(glass breaking)

Don'’t say anything.

I know what you'’re thinking,
but you can trust me.

I'’m nothing
like my brother.

Different mothers.

Well, yes, but not
just that. Other things.

I don'’tthink
the same way he does.

In fact, I think
that he is a little crazy.

Do you?

A man who'’s out t
o conquer the entire world,

and you think he'’
s a little crazy?

(laughs)

I can tell you don'’t
trust me, Jim.

Now, what can I do
to prove that I am sincere?

There'’s a couple o
f things that come to mind.

Well, I'’m all for that.

It was pretty
convincing.

Now, what do you want?

I want you to stop my brother.

I want you to let me help you.

Why?

Because I am terrified of him.

You do not know the lengths
he'’s willing to go,

and he'’d sacrifice me
as fast as anyone.

Now, are you convinced?

.
It'’s getting better

Well, let me help you.

Where is the eastern city

where he has the bomb planted?

Oh, who cares?

Carmelita?

Hmm?

Carmelita.

(sighs)

.
All right, it'’s Washington, D.C

Next time you see your brother,

you tell him that the entire
armies of the United States,

England, Spain and Russia

are getting prepared
to march against him.

It'’s not going
to make any difference, Jim.

He'’s got one of those
horrible bombs of his

planted in the dungeon,

and he would just as soon
blow up everything

and everyone
for miles around

than be captured.

Oh, my God,
I'’m going to be one of them.

Jim, you have to trust me.

Please.

Mmm.

Oh.

I think I love you.

(dog barking)

♪ ♪

(steam hissing)

(high-pitched voice):
Oh, what a night!

Well, I guess

I never had such a good
time in my whole life.

Dancing, champagne flowing,
men fighting over me.

Oh, I never knew
girls had so much fun.

And that Gabrielle.

Well, she and I got along
so famously,

she wants to take
a room with me,

be my roomie.

(laughs)

(in his deep voice):
Well, a lot of the girls
room together.

Seemed like a great idea
to me at the time.

By the way,
don'’t trust Gabrielle.

Why not?

She works for Junior.

How do you know?

Everybody in Wagon Gap
works for Junior.

It'’s a company town.

What are you doing?
What'’s that?

This is just possibly
the stronghold

where Junior
entertained us.

We were here.

After I left
the saloon...
Huh?

.
...I took a walk with
Carmelita, Junior'’s sister

She said she wanted to
come over to our side.

.
She told me some things
I didn'’t know before

And you trust her?

Oh, completely.

Mm-hmm.
(both laugh)

(crickets chirping)

WEST:
That'’s the only plac
e she could have gone.

What if we find her?

She might be telling the truth.

Junior is something
to be afraid of,

even if you are his sister.

Let me have a
look at the lock.

("Rule Britannia" plays)

It'’s all right,
Penelope.

It'’s only Mr. West
and Mr. Gordon.

Do you know
my information

was you chaps left town
two hours ago?

Well, your information'’s wrong.

We never left town.

My information was
that you were taken in

by another pretty
face, Mr. West,

a very pretty face.

Oh, do you
have Carmelita?

No, Ms. Loveless
rode out of town

in a southwesterly
direction.

Unfortunately,
our man lost her

in the dark
shortly after that.

Have you seen
the Russians yet?

Mm. Very clumsy bunch,
the Russians.

They could get us all killed
if we'’re not careful.

Well, gentlemen,
if that'’s all?

.
No, it isn'’t

How'’d you fin
d this place?

This? This is the flat
Michelito Loveless uses

when he'’s in Wagon Gap.

We'’ve had it under surveillance
for some time now.

Gentlemen,

it'’s quite al
l right if you want

to putter around the
fringes of our investigation,

?
but do try not to get
in our way, won'’t you

PENELOPE:
Don'’t move
, Mr. Gordon.

I want to remember you always

the way you are right now--

speechless.

I think we'’re losing.

Let'’s get out of here.

.
They'’re not bad

Yeah? Well, that Captain
Sir David Edney

tops the list of guys

I'’d like to meet
in a dark alley some night.

I wouldn'’t min
d meeting Penelope

under those circumstances,
I can tell you.

(chuckles)
What do you
want to do?

You want to go
after Junior,

wait for him to get
in touch with us?

Let'’s go after him.

How?

Catch up with Carmelita.

She could have
backtracked on
us, you know.

We could be riding
right into a trap.

Junior'’s out there somewhere.

You can'’t go back
to your career,

and I can'’t go back
to my comforts

till we find
that little monster.

(birds chirping)

Send a message to my brother

that Mr. Gordon and Mr. West
will be arriving,

not by train but by horseback.

You... You should be able
to capture them real easily

when they come
through that ravine

down there.

Wait a minute.

♪ ♪

Signal my brother to
send in some more men.

Looks like we have more
company than we expected.

Ah, Jim, if only you
can live long enough

to know how
sorry I am.

♪ ♪

Gentlemen, I am
happy to announce

that your warm and
cozy graves are open

and awaiting
your occupancy.

Junior, you can kill us,
and I'’m sure you will,

but it won'’t get you
one step closer

to where you want to be.

No, but it'’s going to mak
e me feel so much better,

and my father--
wherever he is--

will rest easier knowing

that his death has
been avenged by me.

.
You know, frankly, gentlemen,
you'’ve disappointed me

e
I thought you'’d do mor

.
with the few extra days
to live I'’ve given you

What did you expect, the
major powers of the world

to roll over
and play dead,

all because of
threats from some
little pipsqueak?

Pipsqueak?

Pipsqueak?!

Which one of them
called me a pipsqueak?

All of them.

Ah! I have their monarchs
and heads of states in custody.

I can wipe out any city
with a wave of my hand.

Does that sound like
the work of a pipsqueak?

Well... it sounds like
the work of a sort of...

powerful
pipsqueak, yeah.

(scoffs)

And still they refuse my offer
for unconditional surrender.

.
Well... well,
they'’ll pay

They'’ll pay with th
e lives of their monarchs

and their ordinary
citizens by the millions.

But... first
things first.

And Mr. West, Mr. Gordon,
that would be you.

I was afraid we'’d be
way down on the list.
I was hoping.

You know, I'’ve thought o
f countless ingenious ways

of disposing of you,

sending you on your
way into the ethereal,

but I can'’
t decide on one.

You mean, we get a-a
say in the matter?

You might be
able to help.

You know, taxidermy, I'’ve alway
s wanted to take up taxidermy.

The two of you
might look beautiful

mounted in my
trophy room.

(chuckles)

Well, we'’l
l decide that later,

but it'’s... fun t
o think about, you know?

Alan, put them
in the cage

with Grover Cleveland,
our President.

Uh, first, I'’d like a word
with Mr. West alone.

(clears throat)

No sentimentality?

No sentimentality.

JUNIOR:
No sentimentality!

Oh, Jim...

I am in love
with you.

Well, at least I was
when I was with you alone.

But, when you'’re no
t around, somehow I...

Well, blood must be
thicker than water.

Carmelita, you may have been
lying to me last night,

but there was a lot of truth
in some of the things you said.

There was?

He would sacrifice you.

And you do have reason
to be afraid.

Now, after we'’re gone,

you don'’t have
a friend in the world.

I can'’t liste
n to this.

Carmelita, this may be
your last chance.

Well, it'’
s yours for sure.

Alan!

Bye.

Something bothering you,
Mr. West?

You keep your
hands off of me.

Or what, Mr. West?

Not now, Jim.

(rattles keys)

Anytime, Mr. West.

Anytime at all.

Mr. President,

my name is James West
and this is Artemus Gordon.

We'’re with
the Secret Service.
Aren'’t you the people

that are supposed to see
nothing like this ever happens

to the President
of the United States?!

Yes, sir.

That'’s, uh
, quite right.

e.
(clears throat):
That'’s why we'’re her

We'’re gonna try an
d remedy that situation.

Be interested to see how.

Particularly,
since you seem to be

in as bad a predicament as I am.

Well, I can certainly see
where it might look that way.

(punch landing)

Don'’t do that again,
young lady.

(clears throat)

It is against
every instinct I possess

to strike a woman,
but I must warn you.

Yes.

All right.

I hope you realize
how unfeminine

this sort of behavior is.

(clears throat)

Ah, Your Majesty.

Your Majesty.

Get up, man.

Don'’t b
e ridiculous.

Who are you people?

,
Uh, Captain Sir David Edney,
British Intelligence, ma'’am

and this is my assistant,
Miss Penelope Devery.

Has anyone in England
even noticed

that I'’m no longer
sitting on the throne?

.
Uh, no, ma'’am

Fortunately, we'’ve been abl
e to keep that a secret so far.

A secret?

Well, ma'’am, th
e other Victoria

looks so much
like you and talks

so much like you...

The other Victoria?

In fact, we weren'’
t altogether sure ourselves

.
that she
isn'’t you

Well, she isn'’t,
I can assure you!

Well, I suppose if
anyone would know that,

Your Majesty,
you would.

?
VICTORIA:
Captain Edney.
Yes, ma'’am

Get me out of here!

!
That'’s an order

No need to concern
yourself, Your Majesty.

I have already begun
to put my mind to it.

(clears throat)

Who was that girl
who brought us in?

Girl?

Oh, that girl.

Well, she'’s just an ordinary,

every day, run-of-the-mill
American girl.

Just another pretty face,
you might say.

Do you mean to say that all
American girls are that strong?

Strong?

You thought
she was strong?

Mm.

She didn'’t even loo
k particularly healthy to me.

EDNEY:
Oh.

(clears throat)

What are your plans
for getting out of here?

Well, David, we'’ve been
going over the whole situation,

and we'’ve decided...

Yes?

...there isn'’t any way
out of here.

Oh.

Hmm.

(clears throat)

(snoring)

Artie...

?
let'’s get to work, huh

.
Keep an eye on '’em

Same two guards, both asleep.

(snoring)

I'’ll pass it to Edney.

Know how to use one of these?

Of course.

We cooperate?

Agreed.

(snoring)

Shh.

(yells)

Let '’em out, Artie.

Her Majesty
must go first.

No one takes precedence
over the Queen of England.

This is the United States
and the President

takes precedence in
the United States.

It is unthinkable that the Czar
of all the Russias

should be preceded
by anyone.

EDNEY:
I'’m terribly sorry
. This is not...

(shouting in many languages)

He is the Czar of Russia!

Shut up!

(shouting stops)

I don'’t have time
for all of this.

Now, all of you kings, queens,
presidents and followers,

shut up!

Que dice?

Shut up.
Shut up?

Now, I don'’t know if we have
two minutes or two seconds

or if we'’re already too late.

(chatter in many languages)

JIM:
But...

we have reason to believe
that there is a bomb

hidden in this dungeon,
a horrible bomb!

Que dice?

Aye, una bomba.
Boom-boom-boom.

(chatter in many languages)

JIM:
And I want all you kings

and all you queens
and all you followers

to look for that bomb!

(chatter in many languages)

Nada.

There'’s nothing in there, no.

And I don'’t quite...

Excuse me, Your Majesty.

I beg your pardon, ma'’am. Yes.

(chatter in many languages)

♪ ♪

Artemus, could
this be it?

ARTEMUS:
Could be.

Jim?

What is that?

It'’s our passport
out of here.

Easy.

Easy.

Let'’s go.

Hitch up the
horses. Go!

Come on,
come on.

Mr. President
and Your Majesties,

in the wagons.

You can'’t seriousl
y ask Her Majesty

to ride in a
thing like that.

Captain Edney,
you are a blithering idiot.

.
Yes, ma'’am

Are you sure?

I'’ll have the horses
waiting out by the well.

If we'’re not there
in a little while, you go on.

You'’ll be there.

Get those people as far away
from here as soon as possible,

in case this thing goes off.

We'’ll try
and hold '’em back.

Good luck,
old chap.

Some other time.

Ah, yes, of course.
Quite right.

I'’ll be waiting
Waiting?

I'’ll explai
n later.

.
All right,
let'’s go

Hyah!

(elevator motor whining)

That won'’t wor
k with me, Mr. West.

You'’re gonna have t
o fight your way past me.

(grunts)

♪ ♪

(groans)

And what'’s the matter with you?

He broke me.

That'’s a pretty fiendish thing
to do.

Well, so is this, Junior.

That bomb is of no use to anyone

unless you know
how to detonate it.

.
Maybe there'’s more than one way

What do you mean?

Well, we could kick
it around the room

or throw it against
the wall...

...or bounce it off your head!

It doesn'’t work that way.

.
Well, let'’s find out

No!

(beeping)

No, it might malfunction.

(scoffs)

All right, what do you want?

Your prisoners have
already escaped.

We don'’t want you
to go after them.

We'’re gonna follow them
to make sure you don'’t.

And once they'’re safely
out of the country,

we'’re comin'’ back
for you, Junior.

If I could only be sure
that you'’d come back.

We'’ll be back, Junior.

You can count on it.

Jim, take me
with you.

Carmelita!

Oh, Jim, you have to take
me with you, please?

It doesn'’t matter if you go
or if you stay.

From this moment in time,
you are under a sentence

of death!

He means it, Jim.

.
(whispering):
Besides, there'’s somethin
g you don'’t know

(beeping)

Alan, stay!

My only living blood relative
treats me like this?

Wait, wait,
wait, wait.

No, no, come on.

No, what you don'’t
understand is

that he can explode
this bomb

at incredible
distances,

and I know
he'’s gonna wait

until we get far
enough away

and push the button.

(creaking)

Oh, ho-ho.

Oh, perfect.

Your death will be more painful
than theirs, Carmelita!

(elevator whirring)

Good-bye, Michelito.

(groaning)

No!

(sinister chuckle)

(distant rumbling explosion)

(horses whinnying)

Eight, nine,

ten.

It'’s the end o
f Michelito Junior.

I'’m afraid not.

No one could possibly have lived
through that explosion.

He didn'’t have to.

I know of at least
five replicas

he made of himself
last year.

My guess is
he'’s got one

in every major city
in the world.

Does that mean we'’re gonna have
to stay in the Service

until we hunt down every one

of those dangerous
little pip-squeaks?

Not me.

I hired on for one
Michelito Junior.

.
The rest can belong to
anybody that wants '’em

Well, I don'’t.

You don'’
t understand, Jim.

I can be of great help
to Penelope in her career.

Introduce her
to the right managers,

help her select
the right roles.

I'’m sure she'’s a very
lucky girl, Artie,

I just hope she knows how
to show her appreciation.

Oh, come on, Jim.

Mr. West?

There'’s no getting
away this time.

(sighs)

Give me your gun.

What?

I said give me your gun.

I'’m not gonna shoot you.

I just want to show you
something.

Quit pickin'’ on me.

(chuckling)

Oh, Nadia.

I thought you left
with the Czar.

I defected to the West.

e
Well, I wish
you'’d told m

you were thinking
about that.

I am working at Mint Saloon now,

and I am late.

So good-bye, Mr. West.

Good-bye, Mr. Gordon.

Nadia.

(clucks tongue)

You know, I'’ll bet
with just a little training

that girl would make
a fine actress.

Maybe I settled on Penelope
a little too soon.

I mean,
that girl'’s got...

I never thought I would hear
a sordid remark like that

coming from your
mouth, Artemus.

James.

Hugo.

What are you
doing here?

Uncle Skinny sent me out here
to keep an eye on you two.

But I couldn'’t find you.

Where were you looking?

(stammering)

Have you two wound
up the case yet?

It'’s wound, Hugo.

Well, I wonder if you
could do me a favor?

In your report to
Uncle Skinny, uh,

could you include a
message from me?

Tell him that I'’ve decide
d to take his advice

and move out West.

You'’ll be sorely missed
by the Secret Service.

Well, this little
filly here

seems to think I could become
a big man in the West.

It'’s a depressin
g thought,

but she'’
s probably right.

Good-bye, Jim.

Please give my regards
to your mother.

I will.

Good-bye, Artemus.

(steam hissing)

Is the President
still aboard?

And a girl.

A girl?

Just as far
as Kansas City.

You can drop us
both off there.

Why not?

We are going to
escort the President

safely to Washington,

then it'’s bac
k to Mexico for me,

and you, dear Artie,

anyplace you like-
and the girl.

Fair enough.

Well...

sure was fun, wasn'’t it?

I haven'’t stoppe
d laughing.

And we did defeat
Michelito Loveless Junior.

Or did we?

Of course we did.

What do you mean?

What if...

the real people were on the
thrones in the first place,

and those people in the dungeon
were replicas?

Now we are
substituting replicas

for real people.

Maybe that'’s what Junior wanted
in the first place, Artie.

Oh, no, that'’s ridiculous.

Artie, excuse me for a minute.

Of course.

Well, I'’m ready.

You are taking me with you,
aren'’t you?

No.

Why not?

You wouldn'’t b
e happy there.

That'’s not the real reason,
is it?

Carmelita,

you'’re the loveliest thing
I'’ve ever seen,

but I wouldn'’t trust you
an inch and a half.

Why not?

You'’ve got confused loyalties.

With five little Juniors
loose in the world,

I wouldn'’t know whether to
expect a kiss on the cheek

or a knife in the back.

A guy could get killed
loving you.

Good-bye, Jim.

Say, James, listen.

You you were kidding
about the real people

?
being on the throne all
along, weren'’t you

Was I?

Come to think of it,

how do I know
you'’re the real Artemus Gordon?

How do you know
I'’m the real James West?

Think about it.

Frightening, isn'’t it?

All aboard... whoever we are.

(whistle blowing)

(steam hissing, engine chugging)

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

I'’m Robert T. "Skinny" Malone,
IV,

present-day head
of a United States bureau

so secret
I don'’t even know what it is.

The show you have seen
this evening was taken

from the ancient files
of that bureau.

It was only
when we dug out these files

that we realized
there were still

some unanswered questions
regarding this case.

It seems unlikely
that Dr. Loveless

actually did have atom bombs

hidden in the cities
of Washington, D.C.,

London, Moscow and Madrid,

or that those bombs could have
remained hidden until today.

However,

if you should run across
anything that looks like this,

it might be wise
to notify your local sheriff.

Or better yet, your United
States Secret Service.

Good night and sleep well.

♪ ♪

(whistle blowing)

(theme song playing)