Original subtitles

How about Monday morning? No, I have athing with someone from C.I.A,

uh, Johnson someone or other.

It's about that whole Kinsey thing.

So, any big plans for the weekend?

Oh, yeah. Big. Huge!

Yeah. Me neither.

What are you talking about?

I just walked in with a whole handful of ingredients

for my world famous omelet.

World famous, huh? What's in it?

Eggs.

I don't think that that actually qualifies as a recipe.

Oh, don't kid yourself.

There's a secret ingredient.

I can't tell you what it is, or I'd have to shoot you.

It's beer, isn't it?

Carter...

Let me call you back. I knew it.

Hello.

You're Jack O'Neill.

Yes.

Here's a better question... Who are you?

That doesn't matter... To anyone.

All you need to know is...

You ruined my life.

We should have gotten here earlier,

when the real deals were still available.

Honey, it's 7:00 A.M.

Joe, start over there

and see if you can find a lamp

that would work in the TV room.

Oh, my lord, look!

They have those old English tea tins.

Security breached.

They just got corridor c9 open.

All right. Let's go.

Excuse me.

How much?

So, there's this fella who walks into a bar,

and he sees an ape sitting there...

Sorry, no, he sees a gorilla. That's it. Right.

There's this gorilla sitting there

drinking a coke.

So he says to the bartender,

"hey, what's with the gorilla drinking that drink?"

Well, the bartender says, "yeah, that ape usually orders a coke."

I mean, a beer. He usually orders a beer.

Boss, is it an ape or a gorilla?

'Cause they're completely different species, you know.

It doesn't matter.

It could be a monkey. The point is...

The point is, Joe,

it's a good thing you can cut hair.

Are we about done here?

All set.

Because someone somewhere out there

needs themselves a new car...

Whether they know it or not, you know what I mean?

I feel the power to sell moving through me today!

Boys... It's been a slice.

Thanks, Fred.

See you, Fred.

Bow down now.

Show your reverence for my son...

The mighty warrior klorel.

Hail apophis.

Oh, we are reading the best book

in book club this week.

It's called the heart of a woman.

It is such a powerful story.

Oh, every time I think about it...

You want to hear a story?

Oh, sure, dear. I'm sorry.

What happened to you today at the shop?

No, it's not work related.

I have a story. What do you mean?

You know, like in those books you read,

only different.

Okay, sure.

It's about ateam of adventurers known as SG-1.

They travel to other planets

through an alien device known as a Stargate.

Their leader is the fearless colonel Jack o'...

O'Neill, prepare yourself for...

...extreme deceleration.

Yeah. Thanks, Teal'c.

You get to see your home

one last time...

Before you

and everyone on your planet

are destroyed,

and your kind

will disturb the Goa'uld no more.

So who are the Goa'uld again?

The bad guys.

And this... "Skaara" character?

Yeah, I thought you said

his name was klorel.

I know it's a little complicated.

Just wait.

I haven't gotten to the good part yet.

Skaara!

Aw, skaara...

I'm sorry.

That's it?

I think so.

For now, anyways.

What happens to earth?

I don't know.

I mean, I haven't figured that part out yet.

Well, you got to finish it, dad.

You can't just end a story in the middle.

I tell you what...

You get all your chores done,

and I'll finish the story tomorrow.

Chores?

What are we, amish?

Andy!

Go do your homework.

He's gotten so precocious.

You hated it, didn't you?

Well, you know

I'm not the biggest science-fiction fan,

but, no, no...

It was... It was just... So detailed.

How did you come up with it?

Honestly, I don't know. I...

It just sort of popped into my head.

That's amazing, really.

What didn't you like about it?

Don't get me wrong. It was exciting.

It's just that personally, I like stories

that are more about interpersonal relations,

and a little lessto do with things blowing up.

A giant fireball in the night sky!

You say these folks are a military unit?

Yeah, they're part of the U.S. air force.

But they travel to other planets.

Through the Stargate.

Which is a time-travel machine?

It's an alien device that creates a stable wormhole,

allowing instantaneous travel to other worlds.

Time has nothing to do with it.

Boss, a question.

Uh, these...

Goo-0old...

Goa'uld.

Goah-old.

Goa'uld.

Never mind. The bad guys,

you said they've got snakes in their heads?

Symbiotes, yes.

And what about the fellas with the ones in their bellies?

They're different. They're called Jaffa.

They incubate the symbiotes till they're ready for implantation.

Now, you see, Joe, that's confusing.

He's right, boss.

I mean, why can't there be

just one kind of bad guy?

You know, snake goes in the head, makes them evil, the end.

You could call 'em "the snake people."

Yeah, "snake people" is good.

They're not called "the snake people,"

they're called the Goa'uld,

and the Jaffa aren't bad guys,

they're enslaved warriors

who mistakenly believe

that the Goa'uld are their gods,

and it's not confusing, it's complex!

Edge of my seat.

The whole time.

United States air force.

How may I direct your call?

Uh, hi, I'm trying to reach one of your officers,

a colonel Jack O'Neill.

Two "ls.

May I have your name, please,

and the nature of your call?

My name?

Yes, please.

Uh, right, right, of course.

My name is Joe... Smith.

Listen, I realize colonel O'Neill

is probably unavailable,

off on some important mission somewhere, but...

I know this is an odd request.

I mean, I don't know

if you know colonel O'Neill personally, but...

Could you describe him to me?

You know, height, weight, shoe size,

sense of humor, that sort of thing.

I really can't do that, sir.

Oh. Of course. Sure. National security.

Now, am I understanding correctly

that there really is a colonel Jack O'Neill

in the air force?

Is there a message you would like to leave for him, sir?

That's fine. Thank you.

So, in the end,

rya'c was freed from apophis' control.

Teal'c, drey'auc, and rya'c

were once again a family.

But Teal'c is still going back to Stargate command

to fight for the freedom of the Jaffa?

Yes, of course.

He's going to take drey'auc and rya'c

to a place where they'll be safe.

So, the Goa'uld won't put any more bombs in rya'c's teeth?

That's right.

Now, go to sleep.

Cool story, dad.

Joe, where do you get these ideas you've had lately?

I don't know.

Fully formed ideas, plots, characters...

Just like that?

They just appear in your head?

Basically.

Why are you looking at me like that?

I think you've gotten in touch with your dormant creativity,

accessed your wellspring of imagination.

What?

I've read about this happening to other people.

You're opening yourself up to your inner muse.

My inner muse?

It's your midlife crisis.

It is?

Except instead of chasing your youth

by buying a sports car or going hang gliding,

you're seeking immortality through creativity.

We can't afford a sports car.

Honey, it's a good thing.

Especially if it means

you're not going to have an affair with a younger woman.

Wait a second, wait a second...

You said Teal'c put his face

up to that head-grabber thing

before O'Neill. Why didn't he get grabbed first?

Guys, itold you.

Save your questions until I finish.

Now, what was left of colonel O'Neill's mind

managed to dial a gate address...

One they had never dialed before.

The asgard?

Those little gray guys. Right.

Shut up and let him finish, Bert.

And I don't want to sound ungrateful,

because I really, really appreciate

you getting all that stuff out of my head...

But you folks should understand...

That we're out there now.

We might not be ready

for a lot of this stuff,

but we're doing the best we can.

You have already taken the first steps

towards becoming the fifth race.

Well, what about the furlings?

Are we ever going to hear about them?

Oh, of course.

I'm sure we'll... we'll hear lots of stories about them.

I mean, I'll make one up.

Furlings. They sound cute.

Like ewoks.

Andy, finish up,

or you're going to miss your bus, sweetie.

Morning. Good morning.

And want that lawn done today, mister.

It looks like a wheat field's growing in our back yard.

After school, mom, I promise.

Son, you get that lawn finished,

and I'll tell you all about the ree'tou.

Cool!

See you, mom. See you, dad.

The ree'tou?

Foothold situation at the SGC.

Joe, don't take this the wrong way,

but maybe you should cut backon the storytelling a bit.

Why? Nothing, it's just...

Well, I've heard a few comments from people in town.

People? What people?

Not everyone wants to hear about Jack O'Neill and SG-1

every time they come in for a haircut.

They like hearing my stories.

Maybe they're just being polite, dear,

and it's not just at the shop.

Sam at the drugstore

said you talk his ear off

every time you're there, and marjory at the bank,

and Lenny at the gas station.

Sharlene, you were the onewho told me to follow my muse.

Now you want me to stop?

What if you write them down?

You mean like a... Writer?

Put them on paper.

You can have them there in the shop, like the magazines.

That way, if people want to read them, they can.

Sir, the timing has to be exact.

Just a few more seconds.

It's going to have to be close enough. Go!

"Young lieutenant Hammond...

"Faced a tough decision.

"Yet the strange foursome hardly seemed

like Soviet spies."

Honey, it's 3:00 in the morning. Come to bed.

Just let me finish this story.

That's what you said last night, and the night before that.

You've got to get up in four hours.

How are you going to cut people's hair

if you're dead on your feet all day?

Joe?

In a minute.

"They embraced,

"and he looked into her eyes one last time.

"He walked away with sadness in his heart,

"and she watched him go,

"wondering if shewould ever see him again.

The end."

That poor woman.

Do you think...

She was with child?

You'll just have to wait until the sequel.

You got to be kidding me.

What? I got something in my eye.

Oh, you're such a softy.

See you tonight, honey.

Bye.

Bye, Cindy.

Morning, boys. Hey, Calvin.

Joe, looks like you got some letters

from those magazines in New York.

"Thank you for your submission.

Unfortunately..." blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...

"Thank you for your interest. Best of luck in the future."

See, I'm not sure

you should've sent in this one about Seth.

It wasn't one of your best.

They rejected "hathor?"

But it was gold!

Dad. I'm writing!

Seriously, you've got to see this.

Prepare for an extreme adventure...

What?

Check it out.

Four excellent heroes

in an extraordinary new Sci-Fi series,

starring Nick marlowe as the wry colonel danning.

As a matter of fact, it does say "colonel" on my uniform.

There's no such thing as original thought anymore.

We're all just regurgitating

the same old ideas over and over again,

boiling them down

to a giant melting pot of mediocrity.

Introducing Douglas Anders as grell.

Wormhole x-treme... Coming this fall.

They stole my idea.

Hey, whatever happened to that lawsuit

you guys had against, uh...

What was that show called?

"Wormhole x-treme.

Nah, it was canceled only after one episode.

Bad ratings.

I liked it. Not as much as your stories, boss.

Actually, I have a new one.

Just came to me last night.

SG-1 finds out there's a giant asteroid

headed toward earth...

I saw the movie. Hits Paris.

Nah, this is different.

It starts when this amateur astronomer...

Uh, actually, Joe,

if it's all right with you,

I'm not really in the mood.

Oh, come on, now.

Don't you want to know how SG-1 stops it?

Here, I'll just tell you...

Major Carter is able to expand the hyperspace window

from the cargo ship until it surrounds...

Look, no offense,

but how many times can these folks

save the world from apophis?

What's it up to now, five, sixtimes?

This story is about Anubis. Apophis is dead.

What's the diff? You know what I'm saying?

It's getting a little repetitive.

I mean, come on now. There must be other things

we can talk about besides SG-1.

You guys play golf?

Joe, need to talk to you.

Just a second, honey. I'm in the zone.

Honey, stop typing. Writing.

Please.

What's up?

I want you to stop.

I just did.

I mean permanently.

What?

I've been going over our bills...

Sharlene...

Joe, you closed the shop early

three times this week to come home and write.

I closed the shop

because business has been slow.

And you don't see the connection?

Don't worry, once I get a few stories published,

land an agent, things'll get better.

326.

That's how many rejection letters you've received.

You only need one "yes."

They're not reading them anymore.

Just sending them back unopened.

Bert and gordie like them.

They work for you.

What else are they going to say?

You haven't even read them all.

I read "holiday," "the light," "the sentinel."

Okay, I admit those may have been

a few small missteps,

but on the whole, they're getting better, aren't they?

I don't know.

Well, what do you think the problem is? Tell me.

Maybe I can fix it.

Well, for one, it seems to me

like the team interaction isn't what it used to be in the beginning.

You hate them all?

No, I don't.

I hate what this is doing to you.

You really want me to stop?

Joe, how can this really be more important

than your livelihood?

Than your family?

Honestly, sharlene, I don't think I can stop.

Why not?

These stories...

I think...

Think? You think what?

I think they're real, sharlene.

I'm not making them up.

They're happening... Somewhere.

I can see them, and it's because of the stone.

Oh, Joe.

I can't explain it.

Somehow I think

it allows me to see these incredible things.

That you believe are really happening?

Yes. Here. Try it.

Where is it?

Joe...

Did you take it?

Sharlene... What'd you do with it?

Sharlene!

What have you done with my stone?

It was for your own good!

Has he totally lost it or what?

Joe, please... You need help.

Son...

If you know where it is, just tell me.

I'm not mad. I just need my stone.

Mom?

You leave him out of this.

Joe, please!

You're scaring us.

Yes!

Where are you going?

I don't know.

No!

He can't be gone.

He's dead.

Daniels dead.

He can't be gone.

Gordie, you're wearing out the floor.

Calvin.

Gentlemen.

Slow day?

What have you got, Calvin?

Looks like a stack of bills

and a couple more letters from those magazines.

Toss them.

There's, uh, also another letter here

from the air force.

You read it.

"Dear Mr. Spencer...

"Regarding your request

"to meet with colonel Jack O'Neill,

we regret to inform you that...

Hey, Joe...

If you're so sure this is all real,

then why don't you follow it up

with more than just letters?

Call them up.

Tell them what you know. If it really is true...

Are you kidding? I'd disappear in a heartbeat.

You think? Believe me,

if the government didn't get me, N.L.D. Is sure to.

I've seen it happen.

Do you remember armin selig?

Dead.

Right.

Well, look,

I got to... Get back to my route now.

You guys take care.

Thanks, Calvin.

Hi, Jack.

Daniel?

I leave, and look at the mess you get yourself into.

Yes! Yeah!

Yes!

Sharlene!

You home?

Sharlene!

Sharlene, you won't believe it.

Sharlene?

Oh, there you are.

Honey, it's incredible.

Daniels still alive.

I mean, I know he ascended

to a higher plane of existence, but he...

What are you doing?

Andy and I are going to my mother's for a while.

If you have even the slightest interest

in saving our marriage,

you'll see someone who can help you.

Sharlene, I don't need a shrink.

Sharlene...

Honey, don't do this.

Please. Come on!

Honey, come on.

We can work things out.

Sharlene, look,

our problems are small compared to...

Wait, just... Let's talk.

Can we just talk this out?

Goodbye, Joe. I'll call you later.

Sharlene!

Wait! Sharlene!

Dear colonel O'Neill...

I understand you are a very busy man,

however, I must wonder if you are actually getting

each and every piece of correspondence I send you.

I have written you many letters

and left countless messages for you

with the air force,

but I have yet to receive any kind of response from you.

Because of this, I realize I have no choice

but to take my life into my own hands

and come clean with you.

I know everything.

Jeez, gordie!

You scared the hell out of me.

Sorry. Sorry, I...

It's okay, gordie.

I'm just glad it's you.

Boss, if it's all right with you,

me and Bert are going to head home.

It looks like nobody's coming in again today.

Yeah.

Well, look, I know this is kind of a bad time, but...

What is it, gordie?

Well, it's been really slow around here, and...

I kind of dropped off an application

at the piggly wiggly.

I understand.

You've got to do what you've got to do.

Thanks, boss. Good night.

'Night.

Activating hyperdrive!

Standing straight up.

Come on, boys!

Sir!

Thanks for seeing me.

You look great.

How are you?

Oh, I'm good.

Uh, very good. Uh...

Sharlene, I'm... I'm sorry

about everything that's happened.

I drove you and Andy away.

I understand that now. Joe...

Just let me finish.

I was too wrapped up in the stories

to realize what was important.

I promise I will focus on rebuilding my business,

on providing for my family,

if you'll give me another chance.

It was never about the money, Joe.

It was your obsession with that stone.

I know, I know, and I owe you both an explanation.

That's why I brought you proof that my visions are real.

This is what Jack O'Neill actually looks like.

Now, I know what you're thinking,

but I swear I saw this image in my mind

long before it was in the paper. Joe...

And here, this report about

massive solar flare activity from six years ago.

It coincides with the time SG-1 destroyed apophis' fleet,

and this, about the sinking of a Russian submarine?

It happened the same time.

Anubis' ship crashed into the pacific ocean.

It just means that you're using real people and events

and incorporating them in your fantasies.

They're not fantasies.

Jack O'Neill is head of Stargate command.

There is no Stargate command!

Listen to me.

I've been talking to several doctors

about your symptoms,

and they seem to think that you might be suffering from

something called manic psychosis

combined with grandiose delusions,

but with therapy and medication,

you can probably live a normal life.

Oh, my god...

They're fighting in Antarctica

for earth's very survival.

Anubis fleet is in orbit above us right now.

Joe, stop it. It's not real.

You don't understand!

If Jack can't find a way

to use the ancients' technology in time, we're all dead!

Goodbye, Joe.

It's happening, sharlene!

You'll see!

It's real.

Okay, look.

This obviously isn't your forte,

so why don't you just put the gun down

before you get hurt?

Don't come any closer.

I know your gun isn't real.

However... Mine is.

Oh, god! I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You're right, it's just atoy.

Please don't shoot me.

I'm not going to shoot you.

I'm sorry.

I just thought it was the only way

to make you listen to me.

Oh, where you're going,

people will listen.

They've got nothing to do

but listen to what you have to say.

They've got nice white coats, padded walls, the whole nine yards.

Please, wait.

You're brigadier general Jack O'Neill,

head of Stargate command at Cheyenne mountain.

You used to command SG-1,

which is now led

by lieutenant colonel Samantha Carter.

You once visited a planet called argos,

and nanites in your blood

caused you to age artificially.

You've had the entire repository

of the ancients' knowledge

downloaded into your brain... Twice.

You have a thing for the Simpsons, fishing,

Mary steenburgen, the color peridot,

and you're a terrible ping-pong player.

Have we met?

My name is Joe Spencer. I'm a barber.

It's all true, isn't it?

Everything I've seen...

The Stargate, the Goa'uld, the asgards.

It's all real.

Tell me it's real.

I need to know.

Well, first of all, Joe,

I'm not a terrible ping-pong player.

Between you and me, I totally see the analogy.

Burns as Goa'uld...

Thank you.

And don't worry.

I won't say aword about your feelings for...

This is such an honor.

I don't know how to thank you

for all you've done for our planet.

There are not enough words.

It's nice to meet you too.

Joe Spencer.

I was particularly impressed

with the time you blew up that sun.

Well, thank you. I had a bit of help.

And as far as this whole Pete shanahan thing goes...

Joe...

Dr. Jackson.

Can I just say thank goodness you're back?

Not that Jonas was a bad guy,

but after all you've been through together,

you belong here with SG-1.

Thank you. Jack?

He's a barber.

Broke into your house?

Yeah.

Second week in a row.

Alarm.

I'm thinking dog.

You could try locking your front door.

Shel kek nem Ron.

Joe, the barber.

Please be seated.

What have you got there, Carter?

Well, initial tests show

that Joe possesses the same ancient gene as you do.

I just want you to know,

if you ever need me to use the chair device in Antarctica

in defense of the planet, I'm there.

Thank you.

Other than that,

his physiology is completely normal.

Are there not a great many people who possess this ancient gene?

Yeah, I mean, how come I'm the only one seeing these things?

Yes. Good question. Pray tell?

Unfortunately, our knowledge of ancient physiology

is fairly limited.

The only other thing we know

is that Joe has somehow managed

to gain access to huge amounts

of classified information,

mainly in regard to SG-1,

and that these visions are somehow connected

to the stone he found.

Anything on that?

Daniels looking into it.

He did say there was something familiar about it.

You claimto receive these visions

only within the proximity of the stone.

Perhaps there is a connection between the stone

and your genetic predispositions.

I know the hair

makes you look different,

but didn't you used to be more gold-colored?

I think I've got it.

It took me a while to track it down, but...

You have one too?

They're a set.

Jack, you remember p3r-2337 the planet where I...

Where you found the quantum mirror

that sent you to an alternate reality,

where the Goa'uld invaded earth.

Hey, fella.

Hey, Jack.

This all the stuff we brought back from...

P3r-2337 yeah, you want to help me catalog it?

You bet, my favorite.

But it's all going to have to wait.

Hammond called a briefing.

We got some intel back

indicating that apophis

might not be so dead as we thought.

Something about... Chulak.

I think the stones were a kind of

ancient long-range communication device,

allowing people to see events over great distances

through some sort of psychic connection.

Now, Jack must have activated the link between the stones

by picking up the second stone.

Now, after that, all that would be required

is a certain proximity to the stone

for the connection to be activated.

Now, seeing as how the stone was being stored in the base archives...

But that doesn't explain how

the other stone got to the... Where? Where was it?

A garage sale.

The person who sold itto me

said his grandfather found it

on a dig in Egypt.

But that still doesn't explain the proximity issue.

I mean, if the stone general O'Neill touched was kept here,

how was Joe able to see

everything that happened to the general off-world?

I'm thinking he was getting most of it

from when Jack was writing his reports here on the base.

The stone was being stored just a few levels above.

That's why the stories were so easy to write.

It was like someone else had done most of the work for me.

And... you say they all got rejected?

Wait a second.

If the stones work the way Daniel says,

shouldn't general O'Neill have been able to see

elements of Joe's life as well?

Theoretically, yes, he would.

Bowling league Thursday nights?

You saw that?

You got game, son.

Wait a minute. Jack, you've been seeing

parts of the life of a barber in Indiana

for seven years, and you never mentioned it?

Yeah. Sure I did.

I know I did.

No. No, you didn't, sir.

I didn't?

You didn't find it the least bit odd?

Actually, no.

I found it quite... Relaxing.

Sharlene. I only have about 10 minutes,

and I really need to get right back to work.

Um, there's no easy way to say this...

I want a divorce.

I know. I mean, you have every right to,

but before we get to that,

there's someone who'd like to meet you.

Here he comes now.

Sharlene, meet general Jack O'Neill

of the United States air force.

It's a pleasure to meet you, ma'am.

I think we have some things to talk about.