Original subtitles

(suspenseful music)

(paw steps tapping)

(singer howling)

♪ Who's that I see walking in these woods ♪

♪ Why, it's Little Red Riding Hood ♪

♪ Hey there, Little Red Riding Hood ♪

♪ You sure are looking good

♪ You're everything a big bad wolf could want ♪

♪ Listen to me

♪ Little Red Riding Hood - Hey, Marbo.

Here, Marbo, get out of there, oh, Jennifer,

could you get the phone?

- Oh sure, Mom. ♪ That a big girl should

♪ Go walking in these spooky old woods alone ♪

(singer howling)

(Marbo barking) - Marbo, down, down, boy.

♪ What big eyes you have

♪ The kind of eyes that drive wolves mad ♪

♪ So just to see

♪ That you don't get chased

♪ I think I ought to walk

♪ With you for a way

- Jennifer, Jennifer! ♪ What full lips you have

♪ They're sure to lure someone bad ♪

♪ So until you get to grandma's place ♪

- Jennifer! ♪ I think you ought to walk

♪ With me and be safe

♪ I'm gonna keep

♪ My sheep suit on (Marbo barking)

♪ Until I'm sure that you've been shown ♪

♪ That I can be trusted walking with you alone ♪

(singer howling)

♪ What big eyes you have

♪ The kind of eyes that drive wolves mad ♪

♪ So just to see - Marbo!

♪ That you don't get chased

♪ I think I ought to walk

♪ With you for a ways

- Darn, oh, Marbo!

Jennifer!

Marbo, get out of there, come on, get out of there.

Marbo, oh, this is ridiculous.

- Dad, let me put you on speakerphone, hold on.

- Honey, wait a minute-- - Coming, Mom.

- [Howard] Speaker phone, I always sound like

I'm 10 miles away from everybody.

- Dad's on the phone. - Oh, hi, sweetie!

- [Howard] Hi, honey, how's my little bran muffin?

- Your little bran muffin misses her big cucumber.

- [Howard] Why don't you make a nice big roast for tonight?

- Honey, you know I don't serve poison in this house.

But I've got a great new recipe, seaweed spinach quiche

with cultured yak butter, you are gonna love it, Marbo, sit.

- [Howard] Hey honey, I can't make it tonight for dinner,

honey, gotta run, sweets, bye.

(dial tone humming) - What, no, wait, Howard!

Howard, I have a, I made-- - Oh, Mom, don't feel bad.

You know he loves you.

- Yeah, I know, it's just that I was gonna make this great

recipe that I found and. (sighs)

Where are you going?

- I'm meeting Stacey

at the horror and science fiction convention.

- Tonight? - Yup.

- But what about my seaweed quiche?

- I'm sorry, Mom, I gotta go.

(children shouting) (birds chirping)

- Well, don't stay out too late.

- [Jennifer] Okay.

- Marbo, get out of there, come on, Marbo.

(Leslie sighs)

(Marbo barks)

Just you and me again, huh, big fella?

Huh, Marbo? - This is what

the people want to see.

- [Host] Excuse me for interrupting,

but we have another call on hold.

- You love me, don't you? - Hello, you're on the air.

- [Caller] Hello!

- What do you want to watch tonight, huh?

- [Host] Congratulations, you've won!

- I hate this show.

- [Narrator] You are there

with the eight fearless international astronauts.

(Stacey laughing)

- "Galaxina," I've seen that movie 356 times.

Oh wow, this is great.

- Yeah. - Oh, "Cinemagic."

I have all of these, "Famous Monsters,"

number 12,

January 1965.

Totally radical!

Jennifer?

Can I borrow $175?

- No.

- But, Jennifer, it's a number 12.

A number 12, Jennifer, do you realize how rare that is?

- No.

(Stacey sighs)

- Wow, look at this!

An original replica of Claude Rains's costume

in "The Invisible Man."

- I have never met anyone

who lives and breathes monsters the way you do.

- That's all I live for, monsters.

And Ralph.

Mwah! - Same thing.

- Oh!

"Bloody Orgy and the She-Devils," this is great!

Oh, Madame Gypsie's!

Oh, let's get our fortunes told, Jennifer!

- I am not gonna pay a penny to hear some old lady tell me

I'm going on a long sea cruise with a tall dark stranger.

- I'll pay. - Great.

- [Madame] I can take it in nickels, pennies,

dimes, bottles, but please, it's only five bucks.

Please, this way.

- Jennifer, come on. - Okay.

(somber violin music)

- We'd like to get our-- - Tell me nothing.

I see everything.

- Oh, wow.

This is just like a scene

from "Bloody Gypsies of Yucca Flats."

- Hm, I didn't see that.

- I thought you see everything.

- $10, please.

(somber violin music)

In advance.

- Where's my purse?

- Ask the psychic.

- I answer nothing 'til I get paid.

- Jennifer! - Okay.

Where's her purse?

- I am sitting on it.

(laughing) Here.

Here, please, please, sit.

Sit sit, sit sit sit, sit sit, sit sit sit.

Make yourself comfortable, very nice, yeah.

Now.

Doom-bah-la!

- Why do you have two of them?

- I like a second opinion.

Kee-voo-nah-dah.

Zah-roon-mee-too-von. (crackling)

You have a dog?

You have a dog.

- 10 bucks to find that out?

- I see you in conflict with an animal.

No no, wait, I see two animals.

- Whatever happened to, you'll meet a tall dark stranger?

- Someone very close to you will.

- Ralphie!

- Oh oh, I see the sign of the pentagram on your face!

- I think that's just a zit.

- Beware, you will struggle with a,

with an unholy force over the next few days.

- Well, at least she got something right.

You invited Ralph to my Halloween party.

- Foolish child, take my card, you'll be needing it.

(somber violin music)

$20, please, in advance.

(Madame shrieks)

You are going on a long sea cruise

with a tall dark stranger.

Doom-bah-la!

Kee-voo-nah-dah.

Zah-roon-mee-too-von.

Ee-von-stan.

- It's people like you who keep these charlatans

in business. - Oh come on, Jennifer.

It's all part of the show.

- Right, and you owe me 10 bucks.

- Wow, look at this!

"Dr. Fangbite

"and the Virgin From Hell."

Jennifer? - I'm leaving.

- Jennifer, you promised you'd stay

'til at least halfway through.

(babbling)

- [Celia] And now an update on the recent series

of ferocious dog attacks.

A young woman was assaulted and bitten

by what she claims was a cross

between a Rottweiler and local Councilman Lou Lamont.

Lamont was not available for questioning.

The woman is under psychiatric observation,

claiming Mr. Lamont is really a werewolf.

- Hi, hon. - Oh hi, sweetheart.

- [Announcer] New lease on life thanks to surgery

at the hospital. - Sorry I'm late for dinner.

- [Leslie] It's okay, I saved you some.

- Huh? - It's the recipe

I told you about on the phone today.

It's really good for you, seaweed spinach quiche

with cultured yak butter.

It's delicious. - Oh.

- [Announcer] 72 hours to see if there's any sign

of organ rejection. - Looks good.

(paper bag rustling)

- Had to work late again, huh?

- Yeah, you know, we're gearing up

for the annual pre-Christmas sale.

- [Announcer] For the time being.

- Hm, I feel like I never see you anymore, honey.

Why don't we do something this weekend?

- Like what? - I don't know.

Take a trip, go to the park.

Something. - May have uncovered.

- Howard, I feel like we're losing

the excitement in our lives, you know what I mean?

- [Announcer] They are now isolating bacteria

and may be able to come up with--

Howard? (Howard snores)

Oh.

- [Announcer] Advertisers are often saying there's a problem

of catching the intentional prospective customers.

Well, take the case of two men.

(men shouting)

- I bet that you didn't know that Lon Chaney Junior

was the only actor to play all the monsters,

Frankenstein, Dracula, the Wolfman and the Mummy.

(giggles)

Oh, guess how many times Bela Lugosi played Dracula?

- Who cares?

(men laughing) - Come on, knock it off

and watch the game, will ya?

- Howard, Howard!

- Oh thanks, honey.

- Thanks, honey?

Thanks, honey?

- Yeah, come on!

(men shouting)

- I'm gonna rip that man's throat out.

- [Man] Hey, what do you call a girl who starts dating

to the level of her intelligence?

A widow! (men laughing)

- Come on, knock it off! - Mom!

Don't forget the flea collar!

(engine revving)

- What's wrong with your mom?

- It's Dad, he has time for everything but her.

- Maybe she bores your father.

I read in "Cosmopolitan" that 50% of all divorces

happen because of neglect.

Or maybe it was adultery.

- Don't they kind of go hand-in-hand?

- Oh, whatever, and whatever. (laughs)

You know, I think you worry too much.

- I just don't want to be the product of a broken home.

- Geez, I would love it.

(sighs) I could use my dad's closet

to store my body parts collection in.

- Your parents are hardly ever home anyway.

- You're gonna be the life of the party tomorrow.

- Want to help me do a good deed?

- No.

(men cheering)

(soft music)

♪ Down and lonely, baby - Jerk.

♪ Things begin to go - Pigs.

(radio squelching)

(game fans cheering)

I don't believe it, another game.

(radio squelching)

(Leslie sighs)

♪ You're the fool

♪ And a fool's better off all alone ♪

♪ 'Cause the sun's gonna come back ♪

♪ And the rain always stops

(pigeons cooing drowns out singing)

- Oh, oh.

Flea collar.

Good. (singer humming)

Hello?

- (squawks) Whadja do, whadja do!

- Anyone here?

(bird chirps)

(bird shrieks)

(animals shrieking) (Leslie screams)

Jesus.

(animal growls) (Leslie screams)

(Leslie gasps)

Oh, oh.

- Anything I can do for you?

(mystical music)

- I need a collar, a flea collar.

My dog needs a flea collar, he has fleas, my dog.

- Anything else? - I don't think so.

- Compliments of the house.

- Oh, thank you.

(birds chirping)

(crunching) (mouse squeals)

(crunching)

Hey, wait wait wait, my purse, stop!

Stop that man, he's a thief, stop him, oh damn!

Stop, my purse, somebody grab that man, stop him!

- Hey, hold it, stop! (auto horn honking)

- [Leslie] Stop!

Great.

(dog barking)

(suspenseful music)

- Hey! - Wait!

Ow!

(tires screeching) (auto horn blaring)

- [Driver] Watch where you're going, you jerk!

(man growls)

(purse-snatcher grunts)

(mystical music) - My purse!

Oh my god, you found my purse!

Thank you, how'd you do that?

That's...

That's great, thank you so much.

Huh. (auto horn honking)

(woman singing in foreign language)

- May I buy you lunch?

- Well, if it weren't for you, I wouldn't be able

to buy myself lunch, no, I insist on treating you, mister?

- Thropen.

(mystical music)

Harry Thropen.

- Leslie Shaber.

(woman singing in foreign language)

You know...

You have the most unusual eyes.

- Really?

(Leslie chuckles)

A bottle of Mouton Rothschild '66 for the lady and myself.

Oh, I'll pay. - Well, if you insist.

- And two orders of steak tartare.

- No, I'm a vegetarian. - Pity.

- I'll have the pasta salad

and the crepes Suzette for dessert, please.

Do you want?

- No no, no no, I dislike silver, it spoils the taste.

I want to relish the substances I put between my teeth.

- So what makes you think she'll be there?

- It's lunchtime.

She always eats there when she shops on weekends.

- What makes you think she'll believe

that your dad got her the flowers?

- Because she'll want to believe it.

- Boy, women sure get dumb when they get married.

Geez, look at this.

Another woman was attacked by a wild animal last night.

- [Jennifer] How horrible.

- Talk about close to home, it was right on your street.

Police think it was some sort of coyote or wild dog.

Want to know what I think? - No.

(romantic string orchestral music)

Oh my god, it's too late.

Come on.

- I mean, I really shouldn't complain because

it's not the worst, you know?

(water splashing)

- Hey, hey!

- Don't be silly, he's probably just an old friend.

- I know all her friends.

- So it's a new friend.

- But you know what really gets my goat?

It's the weekend, and does he want to spend time with me?

Nah, he invites his drinking buddies over to watch the game.

I swear, sometimes I could just tear that man apart.

(romantic string orchestral music)

- Look at that, he's kissing her hand.

I've never even seen my dad hold it.

- We gotta get closer.

(kisses smacking)

- Sorry, I didn't mean to go on about my troubles.

- Oh no, no no no no.

Don't ever apologize about your true feelings.

- Can you believe that?

That disgusting pervert is licking my mother's hand.

- It's kinda cute, maybe he's a foreigner.

- Oh.

- If I were married to someone as wonderful

and as sensitive as you,

I wouldn't want to spend a minute without you.

- Oh, Mr. Thropen.

- Harry. - Harry.

- You radiate love.

And compassion.

I just want to crawl up inside of you and die.

- There's a pleasant thought.

- How about a toast? - Yeah.

- To eternal happiness

and togetherness with people who

appreciate their own kind.

(glasses clink)

- I'll drink to that.

I don't understand it, but I'll drink to it.

You know, oh!

I'm a, I'm a,

a married woman.

- I can respect that.

- Maybe you should hold off giving her the flowers.

(Leslie moaning)

(plate sizzling)

(Harry growling)

- What, what's the matter?

(suspenseful music)

- [Stacey] Where is he going?

- Come on.

Let's follow him.

- That's outrageous. ♪ Hey there

♪ Little Red Riding Hood

- Come on! ♪ You sure are looking good

♪ You're everything a big bad wolf could want ♪

- Maybe he's a long-lost cousin.

- Right. ♪ Listen to me

♪ Little Red Riding Hood

- [Stacey] This is the back, maybe he's in here.

- In here, let's see.

- I don't believe it. ♪ Don't walk in these

♪ Spooky old woods alone - This guy does not know

who he's messing with when he messes with me.

Unbelievable, wait'll I get my hands on that creep.

Hello, anyone here? (birds squawking)

(suspenseful music)

Mr. Thropen?

(flies buzzing)

Harry?

(chittering)

(Leslie screams)

- I knew you'd be back.

- How dare you? - Would you like a drink?

- (chuckles) I think I've had enough

for one afternoon, thank you.

(mystical music)

- Why don't we make love, then?

- I'll have a double martini.

(frogs croaking)

(animals chattering)

Oh!

♪ I'm like a midnight moon

♪ You're like a sunny day in June ♪

♪ Each time I see your face

♪ You're innocent, she's out of place ♪

♪ I know you're like (Harry chuckles)

♪ A midnight moon

♪ I'm like a sunny day in June

♪ Each time I look into your eyes ♪

♪ I want to rip off, find me nasty skies ♪

- How about another?

- Certainly. - Without the fish.

- Why don't you make yourself comfortable?

Take something off.

- Okey-dokie.

- [Stacey] Can you see?

- No, you're in my way. - Jennifer!

- Stacey. - Jennifer.

I think it's time to go. - Are you serious?

If she's screwing around, I want to see it, ow!

- Mind if I ask why?

- I, uh...

I think I lost a contact lens here somewhere.

- Sure is a hard bed.

(owl hoots)

Yup, probably the hardest bed I've ever sat on.

Horny little devil, aren't ya?

(laughs) I bet you smell great, right?

♪ You you and and me, baby

♪ You and me got an animal attraction ♪

♪ You you and and me, baby

♪ Based on facts opposites attract ♪

♪ You you and and me, baby

♪ You and me got an animal attraction ♪

♪ You you and and me, baby

- Hoo.

(owl hoots) (monkey chatters)

(Leslie moans)

Toe job.

(Harry growls)

Ow, what are you doing?

(Harry growls) - Stop, ow!

You're hurting me, Jesus, I'm bleeding.

Thanks for the thrill, but it's time for me to go.

(mystical music)

- You'll forget for now, Leslie Shaber.

But you'll be back.

(flies buzzing)

- Hey, Marbo, big fella, look what I got ya.

A flea collar. (Marbo growls)

Marbo, what, hey, what's wrong with you?

(barking) Marbo.

It's me, Marbo, what's wrong?

- [Announcer] Bubba Washington is down

to the 30-yard line. - Hi, honey.

I sure missed you.

- Sure you did.

(mystical music)

- [Announcer] Wait, he's getting up.

I think he lost the ball on that play.

(mystical music)

Oh no, well, it looks like Bubba

won't be playing for the winner's team now.

I hear the cheerleaders--

(birds chirping)

- Oh, damn!

(lid clatters)

Men.

- [Jennifer] Hi, Mom.

- Hi, sweetie.

- [Jennifer] What happened to your toe?

- I must have stubbed it.

- Stubbed it? - Mm.

- Looks like an animal bit it.

(Leslie laughs)

So, how was your day shopping?

- Fine.

- Find anything you really needed?

- A few things.

- And how was your lunch?

- Fine.

(birds chirping)

(auto horn honking) (radio blaring)

- I'll be right down, Stacey.

You just don't want to level with me, do you?

- What?

(auto horn honking) ♪ A shot's gonna be all right

- Coming. ♪ A shot's gonna be all right

♪ You know a shot's gonna be all right ♪

- I guess it's hard being a teenager.

- What's wrong with you?

Wait, don't tell me, P.M.S.

- I don't want to talk about it.

(eerie organ music)

(Howard crying)

- [Jennifer] You found out about Mom, didn't you?

- I can't believe it.

- I'm so sorry, Dad. - I asked for it.

- Yeah well, you shouldn't have left her alone so much.

- But I never dreamed it would happen.

For 15 years, I have waited for this moment.

(Leslie growls)

- (sighs) Heaven, absolute heaven.

(perfume spray hissing)

Oh, baby, oh, oh.

Loverboy.

(Marbo growling) - Bo, what's gotten into you?

(Marbo barking)

Go on, get out of here.

(Marbo whimpering)

Hi, honey.

Howard, haven't you noticed anything?

- Sure I did, that roast beef was scrumptious.

Thanks.

Good night.

(Leslie growls)

- Leslie? - Howard.

- Oh, Leslie.

- [Leslie] Oh, baby, oh, baby.

(Leslie moaning)

Oh, Howard!

(Leslie howls) - Leslie, you're an animal!

(wolves howling)

(clock ticking)

Mm.

(suspenseful music)

- In my thoughts.

In my thoughts, my thoughts.

In your thoughts.

In your thoughts.

- In your thoughts.

- In our thoughts.

Our, our thoughts.

- In our thoughts.

(Leslie moans)

(heartbeat thumping)

(wolves howling) (heartbeat thumping)

(wolf growling)

Leave me alone!

(wolf growling)

- [Harry] Leslie!

- [Leslie] Leave me alone!

- Don't be afraid.

- I'm not afraid.

- Don't be afraid of me, Leslie Shaber.

- I'm afraid of no one.

(Harry laughs)

- What about this?

(Leslie screams)

- Get him off, get him off, get him off, get him off!

- Leslie, Leslie honey.

Wake up, you're having a nightmare.

- What's going on?

- [Howard] You're having a nightmare.

(Leslie panting)

- Oh, I was having a nightmare.

- No, I said, "You are having a nightmare."

(Leslie screaming)

- Honey, honey, wake up.

- (gasping) Howard.

- I think you were having a nightmare.

- Were, you said, "Were."

I heard you, you said I were having a nightmare.

You did say, "were," didn't you?

- Yes, yeah, yeah, I said, "were."

Are you still dreaming?

- I were, but I'm not anymore.

(eerie music)

- Forget, Leslie, forget.

Forget the reality.

It's only a dream.

Forget, for now.

- I forget.

I forgot.

(ominous music)

(birds chirping)

- Don't get up, darling, you had a rough night.

I'll fix my own breakfast.

- Mm hm. - That's right, you sleep in.

I'll see you tonight.

(Leslie groans)

(birds chirping)

(Leslie sighs)

(Leslie groaning)

- Oh god.

(whimsical music)

(Leslie gasps)

Wake up, Leslie, you're still having a nightmare.

Oh my god, I'm going back to bed.

(whimsical music)

(phone ringing)

Hello. - Leslie, it's Peggy.

Don't forget we have an appointment

to do your hair at two o'clock tomorrow.

- I'm having a nightmare, can I call you back?

- [Peggy] Sure thing.

(dial tone humming)

(sighs)

- Okay, now I will wake up from this absurd dream

and everything will be fine.

Mm.

There, now I feel so much better.

(comical music)

(whimpers) No, I don't feel better anymore.

This had got to be the longest dream in history.

- Finally decided to get up, huh?

- Jennifer, are you in this dream too?

- What?

- Hm.

Ow, ow, oh, damn it, that hurt, that really hurt.

You're not supposed to feel pain in a dream.

(whimpers) I'm not dreaming, I'm going crazy.

Dentist, dentist.

Dentist, where can I find a dentist who works on Sunday?

- Try the yellow pages. - I knew that.

- Why do you need a dentist?

- Who needs a dentist?

- I thought I heard you say you do.

- No no, I said I gotta find Dennis.

- Dennis? - Mm hm.

- So that's the guy's name.

- That's what guy's name?

- Mom, I saw you the other day.

- You see me every day.

- I saw you and Dennis having lunch at Francois'.

And then dessert at the pet store.

- What are you talking about? - Come off it, Mom.

Stacey and I both saw you.

It's bad enough you have to cheat on Dad,

but to lie about it?

- Jennifer, have you been having nightmares too?

- What's wrong with your mouth?

- Nothing's wrong with my mouth.

- Did he give you herpes?

- Shouldn't you be in school or something?

- It's the weekend, remember?

- Well, shouldn't you be phoning your boyfriend?

- I don't have a boyfriend, Mom.

- Well, you should have a boyfriend.

I think you should go find one.

(whimsical music)

Open Saturdays and Sundays.

God, you're only going nuts, it's too much stress, the kids.

Just testing the weather, beautiful day, huh?

- (laughs) Hey, yeah.

- Hey, cut it out, you little bastard.

(Leslie growls)

- Mamacita, Mamacita, a monstro!

(Leslie growling)

Monstro!

- Mrs. Shaber, the doctor will see you now.

- Good, thank you. (growls)

(woman whimpering)

- Mrs. Shaber.

- Dr. Rodriguez, the cavity emptor, at your service.

Please.

Call me

Dr. Rod.

(sultry jazz music)

Oh good, you found my sterile silk handcloth.

So...

You're here for a drilling?

Or a filling?

- Filing.

(woman whimpering)

(Leslie gasps)

- (gasps) Now, here's something you don't see every day.

- You know what, I woke up and they just--

- Oh, oh!

These are the sexiest

looking teeth I have ever seen.

They have style and distinction.

I've never seen anything like these cuspids.

- I want them gone!

- You mean, you not happy with these?

- If I were happy, would I be here?

- I'm happy and I'm here.

I think you're making a terrible mistake.

- Look. - File!

(eerie music) - Oh, oh, no!

(Leslie screaming)

(sultry jazz music) (file grinding)

(Leslie groaning)

(dentist panting)

- [Dentist] Come on!

(dentist shouting) (Leslie moaning)

Unbelievable.

Stay in there!

Gimme my pliers!

Thank you, there she goes!

(Leslie whimpers)

Oh!

My poor file.

(Leslie gasps)

(tool whirring)

(Leslie screaming) (doctor moaning)

- What's the matter, what happened?

Come back, come back, it was just a little drilling.

(sultry jazz music)

- Do you realize what day this is?

The hardest things known to man.

For once, I'll have the respect of my colleagues.

I'll open an office in Beverly Hills.

I'll clean movie stars' teeth.

Oh, I love you.

(gentle string orchestral music)

Shit.

(traffic humming)

- So how's your veal today?

- My veal is so tasty, so succulent, juicy,

young, delicious, such a veal you've never tasted.

- What about your leg of lamb?

- Oy, I have a leg of lamb so savory,

so tender you could plotz.

(Leslie moans)

I only use the freshest, healthiest beef

made from the underbellies of young virgin cows.

- I'll take a pound of hamburger.

- Two pounds and get a free matzo.

- One pound is plenty.

- Something I can get for you?

- Pork chops?

♪ I feel the rope as you tighten the knot ♪

♪ But I'm hanging

♪ Hanging onto your love

♪ Yeah, I'm hanging

♪ Hanging onto your love

(car engine revving)

♪ I'm feeling up, you put me down ♪

♪ Can't seem to get my feet on the ground ♪

♪ You talk so mean then you act so sweet ♪

♪ I'm in your arms

♪ Then I'm out on the street

(Leslie howls)

♪ Hanging onto your love

♪ Hanging

♪ Hanging

♪ I'm hanging onto your love

- Look, Edna, a singing werewolf.

We don't see many of them nowadays, do we?

♪ Tighter and tighter

♪ Tighter and tighter (Leslie howling)

♪ Tighter and tighter (Leslie howling)

♪ I'm hanging onto your love (Leslie howling)

(upbeat pop music)

♪ Storm in your eyes

♪ Storm in your head

♪ Storm in my head

♪ Jump on the edge

♪ Talk to the world

♪ I'm telling it all

♪ Shakin' the world uh huh

♪ Oh shakin' the world uh huh

♪ Shakin' the world uh huh

♪ Oh shakin' the world uh huh

♪ Light up the world

♪ Light up the sky

♪ I caught a light in your eye

♪ Shot in the night

♪ Shot in the dark

♪ Shot right in my heart

♪ Shakin' the world - I still say

he could just be a friend.

I mean, you have no proof that they're doing anything.

- The proof is she's hiding the whole thing.

♪ Uh huh shakin' the world

♪ Uh huh

♪ When the morning come

♪ You're the only one

(crickets chirping)

♪ New and mysterious world

♪ The sound of our heartbeats

♪ Can almost be overheard

♪ Pale daylight and darkest night ♪

♪ We put romance to the test

♪ Learning day after day

♪ How precious this feeling is

♪ Strong love, deep as the ocean ♪

♪ Lifting me up on a wind of emotions ♪

♪ Strong love rose like a fever ♪

♪ Just when it wants you to stop ♪

- Mrs. Shaber. (Leslie gasps)

Cool, who did your makeup?

- Huh, oh, I did.

- Ralphie?

Ralphie?

- Oh, Mrs. Shaber, you got a lot of talent.

- (growls) Leslie, Leslie.

- Leslie. - Why don't you

snack on this while I go freshen up?

If you want dessert, come up and see me, okay?

♪ Strong love, deep as the ocean ♪

- Ralph.

♪ Lifting me up on a stream of emotions ♪

- Hey, Ed.

- Jen, you sure got a hot mom.

- (giggles) Oh, so sweet.

- Mom, is that you?

- No, it's the wolfman, who do you think it is?

- I never knew your mom had a sense of humor.

- She doesn't.

- That's the best makeup job I've ever seen.

- I've seen better.

"Nudist Colony of the Dead," 1958.

Ralphie!

♪ Drive a stake right through his heart ♪

♪ Fright night fright night

(Leslie screaming)

- [Guest] Is everything all right, Mrs. Shaber?

- Everything's fine, darling, go join your friends.

(Leslie screaming)

♪ Fright night

- God. (yelps)

Oh damn.

(mumbles) What's happening?

Oh god.

(guests chattering)

(razor buzzing)

(knocking)

What, there's somebody in here.

- Mrs. Shaber.

It's me, Ralph.

- Go away, you little pervert.

- I'm here for my dessert.

- [Leslie] You want your dessert, here.

♪ Love is my world

♪ Love is my world

♪ Oh

♪ He's just a boy

♪ She's just a girl

♪ All the time

♪ Love is my world

(knocking)

- Mom, a bunch of kids are out here.

- [Leslie] What do they want?

- To pee.

- Tell them to use the other bathroom.

- [Jennifer] Dougie jammed the toilet.

- So let them hold it in.

♪ Took a drag on your cigarette ♪

♪ Whisper words that you never will forget ♪

♪ Seize the moment 'cause you knew that ♪

- I also want to talk to you.

- I'm too busy to talk now.

- Mom, you have been in there a half an hour.

- [Leslie] That's bull, I've only been in here 30 minutes.

(razor buzzing)

(Leslie sighs)

Phew, what an ordeal.

(Leslie sighs)

- [Jennifer] Bye, Kim, thanks for coming, guys.

- Great party, Jen.

Tell your mom she makes a great Willie Nelson.

Your mother belongs in a freak show.

- Blow in my ear and I'll follow you anywhere.

- I gotta be home by eleven.

- But it's 12:15. - Then I guess

I really gotta hurry, hey, wait up!

(Stacey sighs)

- What the hell?

(whimpers)

(ominous music)

(knocking)

What is it?

Oh, oh, oh!

- What's going on here, Mom?

- [Leslie] Nothing!

Nothing is going on, now leave me alone.

(Leslie growling)

I have a terrible case of indigestion, now please go away.

- You look like Grizzly Adams.

That's not a costume, is it, Mom?

- [Leslie] Of course it's a costume, mind your own business.

- Mom, you're a, what the hell are you?

- Get out of here, get out of here, get out of here!

(suspenseful music)

- Dennis.

- I'm here to speak to your mother.

- She's not herself tonight.

You've done something to her, haven't you?

Where do you think you're going?

I'm not gonna let a stranger in here.

I don't care what you and my mom have going.

You know, you've got a lot of nerve

coming right to the house, I'll call the police

if you don't get the hell out of here now.

(mystical music)

She's upstairs in her bedroom, excuse me.

(door hinges creaking)

(wind whistling)

(knocking) (Stacey laughing)

- [Jennifer] Stacey, are you in your room?

- Yeah, I'm talking to Ralph.

Mm hm, ow!

- Stacey? - Ow!

- Stacey? - Wait a minute.

You still there, hello, hello?

(dial tone humming) Ralphie?

Shit.

- Help me, my mom's a werewolf.

- You come barging in here, interrupt what might have been

the most important phone call of my life

and tell me that your mom's a werewolf?

- I mean, my mother's a real honest-to-goodness werewolf.

- Big deal, my mother's a cow.

- This is serious.

That weird gypsy at the convention was right.

I think my mom's that wild animal

that's been attacking all those women.

- This is your way of testing how gullible I can be, right?

- You think I'm making this up?

- Jennifer, calm down.

- You're always reading this horror trash.

Tell me what to do.

- This stuff's not meant to be taken seriously.

It's make-believe, Jennifer.

- How do you stop a werewolf?

- You shoot it with a silver bullet.

- She's my mom, I don't want to kill her.

- [Stacey] What do you want to do, paper-train her?

- Thanks for your help.

- Ralphie?

(dial tone humming) Wait, wait, Ralph!

Ralph!

Shit!

- Good evening, my love.

- You, you're, you're the man of my dreams.

- That's so flattering.

- Who are you, what's going on?

- I have come to set you free.

You are becoming immortal.

- What the hell's happening to me?

- Oh no, don't be afraid.

I can show you how to survive

as a werewolf.

- A what wolf?

- Werewolf.

And I need a werewife.

Someone to keep my race alive.

I need sons and daughters.

And you, my love, are the one

who's going to give them to me.

- (laughs) I suppose we're gonna live in a were-house.

- At first I just wanted to devour you, like the others.

But then I saw you had a quality,

an honesty that I wanted to preserve.

Forever.

- Forever?

Forever, forever?

- I know this is a tremendous shock to your system,

but soon, very soon, you'll grow to accept it.

- Hi, honey. I'm home.

- Oh my god, it's my husband. (Harry growls)

- Tomorrow night, I'll be back for you and you'll be mine.

- Leslie.

- Howard.

- He won't accept you, humans never do.

(comical music)

(Howard sniffs)

Forget all that has happened.

I will be back for you tomorrow night.

- Honey, are you ready for me yet?

Honey? - Oh!

(sultry jazz music)

(suspenseful music)

(wind whistling)

(Harry howling)

- God, god, gee! (shattered glass tinkling)

Ow!

- Honey? - Oh.

- What, ow, I thought I heard voices.

- That was the television.

(shattered glass tinkling) - Television?

What's wrong with the lights?

- Power failure.

(shattered glass tinkling)

- Oh.

Oh!

Oh, who needs lights anyway?

- Honey, not tonight, I have a headache.

- Come on, Leslie, you don't have to pretend with me.

Listen, darling, I know that before last night

you were very upset with me

because I haven't been paying you a lot of attention.

- No, I wasn't, you've been wonderful, now go to sleep.

- Oh Leslie, I'm crazy about you.

- Oh please. (howls)

(both howling)

- You've turned me into an animal, I love it.

- Don't even say that!

- Leslie, why the hell are you all wrapped up in this stuff?

It's so warm in here. - I've got a chill.

- Well, I can take care of that.

- Good idea, go fix the heater.

- I got my own built-in heater.

- Oh, oh!

- Oh no, Marbo.

Marbo, you know you're not allowed on the bed.

Oh, Marbo, Marbo. (Marbo barks)

Come on, get off, get off the bed.

Oh stay, stay.

(Howard sighs)

Good night. - Good night, honey.

(Leslie sputters)

- [Madame] I see you in conflict with an animal.

- [Jennifer Voiceover] That's not a costume, is it, Mom?

- [Stacey] It's make-believe, Jennifer.

- [Madame] I see the sign of the pentagram on your face.

- [Leslie] No, it's the wolfman, who do you think it is?

- My mom's a werewolf. - Get out of here!

Get out of here!

- [Madame] Take my card, you'll be needing it.

(soft acoustic guitar music)

(knocking)

(somber violin music)

(knocking)

- Go away. - Please.

This is Jennifer Shaber, I need your help.

My mom's a werewolf. - Call the zoo.

- What should I do, she's my mother.

- Kill her.

Oh no, Jennifer, wait, come in.

I'll tell you everything I know about werewolves.

- Okay.

(sweet violin music)

(birds chirping)

(Howard inhales)

- Ow!

(Howard humming)

Good morning, darling.

(laughs) You look like hell.

- God, you wouldn't believe

the weird dreams I've been having, I'm exhausted.

- Why don't you just stay in bed?

I'll be home before you know it. (smacking)

- Can't get enough of me now, can you?

- Enough, Leslie, one night you whet my appetite,

the next you leave me hanging high and dry.

You know how to drive a guy crazy, agh, whoo!

Leslie, you got me howling at the moon.

I don't know what's happened to you, darling,

but you've turned me into a new man.

(Howard humming)

- Let's see. - Hey, kids.

(dramatic music)

- Mom, you're human. - Yeah.

- Mom, we'll cure you, it won't be easy,

but I think together we can beat this thing.

- What on earth are you talking about?

Stacey, what's wrong with my daughter?

- She's freaked, Mrs. Shaber, but it's okay.

She hasn't gotten violent yet.

- No, Mom, stay here.

- I'm late for my hair appointment.

- You can change back at any time.

Believe me, it's better to change at home than out there.

- Jennifer. - Mom, I can't let you leave.

- You can't let me leave?

Who's the mother around here anyway?

You are weird.

You have got to find yourself a boyfriend, both of you.

- She thinks I'm crazy. - She may have a point.

She looks pretty human to me, Jennifer.

- Of course she does, she changed back

just like the gypsy said she would, come on.

(birds chirping)

(patrons chatting)

- Same thing, we're having a special today, six for $5.

Six for $5, that'll last you for years.

You got a lot of hair, sweetheart.

Absolutely, get that money out, thank you so much.

Okay.

- Hi, Peggy.

- Your nightmare caught up with you, girl.

Jesus, you look like hell.

- Well, I really appreciate you squeezing me in like this.

- Well, say no more, I never turn down a challenge.

♪ It's a mutual attraction

- All right, hon, come with me.

I'll even throw in a quick manicure.

- Thanks.

♪ I like to seduce ya

- A little waxing wouldn't hurt either.

♪ Something good for you

- Now here, have a seat.

I want you to relax, miss, you look tense to me.

I'm gonna give you one of my magic fingers shampoos.

Okay, lean back.

♪ I need I got to use ya

♪ Now that I've found ya

♪ Don't want to lose ya

♪ Boy boy

♪ I got to seduce ya

- We been out here almost an hour.

How long do we got to watch?

- Stacey, if you leave me now,

I will never speak to you again.

- It might almost be worth it.

(phone rings)

- We Be Hair, how may I help you?

Mrs. Finkelstein, what is it this time?

Uh-huh.

Well, hon, I'm sorry your hair fell out in the car,

but we use very good bleach here.

Now you have to trust me on that.

♪ Oh boy

♪ How you excite me

♪ Oh boy

♪ I know you delight me (beautician gasps)

(beautician screams)

♪ Now that I found ya

♪ I ain't gonna lose ya

♪ Boy boy

- Oh, oh, oh whoo! ♪ I'm gonna seduce ya

- Oh well, I don't know what kind

of hormones you've been taking, girl, but (gasps)

this is gonna be my ultimate challenge.

Come with me. ♪ Boy

Oh, oh! ♪ Boy boy boy

Come on, come on. ♪ I'm gonna whisper

♪ In your ear boy boy boy

- I think we've been here long enough.

Don't you think if anything had happened,

we'd have heard some sort of commotion by now?

- I guess you're right.

(orchestral fanfare music)

Viola!

- Oh no!

- What do you mean, oh no?

I call it wolverine chic.

(Leslie crying)

- Holy shit, your mom's a werewolf!

- Really?

(Leslie crying)

- Give it time, it'll grow on ya.

- Do you realize what this is gonna do to your social life?

(Leslie shrieking)

- Come on. - Come on?

She could be dangerous. - Let's go.

(crickets chirping)

(wind whistling)

(wolf howling)

♪ What big eyes you have

♪ The kind of eyes that drive wolves mad ♪

♪ So just to see that you don't get chased ♪

♪ I think I ought to walk with you for a ways ♪

♪ What full lips you have

♪ They're sure to lure someone bad ♪

♪ So 'til you get to grandma's place ♪

♪ I think I ought

(Marbo barking)

(wind whistling)

(Marbo barking)

- [Leslie] Marbo!

(Marbo barking) Marbo!

Oh, Marbo, come home!

(Marbo barking)

- We can't go in there, there's a werewolf inside.

- We've got to.

- What do we have to protect ourselves with?

- We've got these.

- Look, I hate to break the news,

but they only work on vampires.

- Are you sure? - Yes.

"Fangorama," Issue number 45, July 1986.

You've got to find the werewolf who infected her.

Look, maybe we should just call a vet.

Holy cow!

(mystical music)

- Jen, do something.

(crunching) Ew!

Yuck.

Try the holy water.

(Harry sniffs)

What about the cross?

Oh my goodness.

Isn't that? - That's Dennis.

He's a friend. - A friend?

When did you get to meet him?

- Last night.

- Holy cow, "Mesmerizing of the Fuzz Creatures."

Werewolves have the power of hypnotizing people

into believing that they're friends.

He is the guy that did it to her.

- Nah, he's just a friend.

- No, he's the one that has to die.

Look, shoot him with a silver bullet and your mom is cured.

- Mom?

Mom?

Let's go.

- My dear Leslie, I've come for you.

- [Stacey] What are you looking for?

- We've got to protect ourselves.

- We've got these!

- Great, we'll paper cut him to death.

(growls)

Make sure he doesn't bite you.

Look at this.

(whining) - You'll soon forget

about your old lifestyle as a human.

- I hope the tip is silver.

- It's steel, my dad's cheap.

- Our werechildren will be beautiful, Leslie.

(Leslie growling)

- Hurry up, you've gotta destroy him before the moon sets.

Time is running out.

(Harry growling)

(gorilla roaring) (woman screaming)

(heroic music)

(Harry growling)

- Damn those Shabers.

A little less noise down there!

Oh, shoe.

Ooh, that's (mumbles), get that shoe.

I wanna smell that shoe, please get that shoe.

- Hi. - Hi, Dad.

- What's all the noise, where's your mother?

(Harry growling)

- She's upstairs.

But I don't think you should see her right now.

- Why, what's going on, that's a nice outfit.

- She's got someone upstairs with her and he's not human.

(Harry growling)

- This could get kinda hairy. - You're telling me.

- Holy cow. (shattered glass tinkling)

- Oh, oh, oh, oh.

You wouldn't believe what those perverts are doing now.

- Leslie, open the door or I'll break it in.

(shattered glass tinkling)

Ooh!

Good door.

(heroic music)

- Jennifer. - Stacey.

- They're dressed in gorilla suits

and they're rolling around the room, having an orgy, ha!

(pitcher clangs)

That does it, I'm calling the cops.

- All right, Leslie, what is all this about?

(Harry growling)

Excuse me.

- Did you see 'em?

(shattered glass tinkling)

- I have to go to the bathroom.

(siren wailing) - 42-14.

- I've gotta go in there.

No, I have to go in and destroy that guy

before the moon goes down, which will be real soon.

- Jennifer, you could get killed.

- She's my mom, if I don't do this she's doomed.

- Between your driving and your chili bean lunches,

you're gonna kill me. - Don't start, Charlie.

- You made me drop my doughnut.

- You and your doughnuts! - It was the last chocolate

and it landed

chocolate-side down. - Police work here, excuse me.

- If you had to pay for the doughnuts--

- All right, fine, I'll buy the doughnuts and you drive.

Okay? - All right, okay.

I thought Halloween was last night.

- Yeah, these folks are usually so quiet.

- About time you guys got here.

This is not the behavior of good, decent,

church-going Christians.

- You the one who called?

- Who the hell else would I be?

- [Jennifer] Mom?

- [Stacey] Do you see 'em?

- [Jennifer] He's got my mom.

- [Stacey] Jen, be careful.

(Harry growling) (Leslie moaning)

- What's going on? - Get away from her!

(Leslie screams)

You're dead now, you son of a bitch.

I hope this works.

(Jennifer screams) (Harry roars)

I did it, I did it, I did it, aagh!

Gotta get out of here! - Jennifer, are you okay?

(Jennifer screams)

- I stabbed the creep, I can't get out.

- You stay here, sir.

- Why can't I go in? - Because I said so.

(Jennifer screaming)

- Hurry up! - Come on!

- All right, all right, what's the noise?

What's the racket up here, what's going on?

- There are two animals in my bedroom, tearing it apart.

- Is he dead yet?

- Is who dead yet?

- [Jennifer] No, he's rolling around on the floor.

- The police are here. - Mom?

Where are you? - They're coming in.

- Mom?

(Jennifer screams)

(Harry growling)

Mom's not changing back.

- Shit! - What is it?

- Mrs. Shaber won't change back until he dies.

And if he doesn't die before the moon sets,

she's in deep shit.

- Let me smell your breath.

- Only if I can smell yours.

(Harry growling) (mystical music)

- Jennifer, clear the door. - Help me, hurry, please!

Help! - We're coming in to help.

- Can you see her? - Don't shoot, she's my mom.

- That's my wife.

- That animal is your wife?

- Well, you have to get to know her.

- Mom, Mom, it's me, Jennifer.

Please don't hurt me.

- [Stacey] Is there any blood in there?

- I'm your daughter, remember?

(Harry wheezes)

(Leslie whimpers)

- [Stacey] Would you look at that thing?

Holy cow!

- It's working.

(mystical music)

(Jennifer gasps)

- What happened to this room?

- She's delirious.

- Why is there a dead animal on the floor?

Why are the police here?

What's the volume of the Caspian Sea?

- 88 billion cubic meters.

- You don't remember anything?

- I remember.

Going to the beauty shop and falling asleep.

And I remember Jennifer acting very strange.

- Now that this is over, would someone please

explain to me what's going on?

- Me too.

- Me too.

- [Stacey] Go on, Jennifer.

- I'll tell you everything.

- Let's tell the world!

(police radio chatter)

(upbeat music)

- This is Celia Celica,

KSFB TV News, reporting live

from the scene of one of the most bizarre

and macabre stories in human history.

Police were summoned by a neighbor who'd complained

about a commotion coming from the residence--

- Hey hey hey! - Of Howard and Leslie Shaber.

- It's me, Malcolm MacAfee. - Whoa, whoa.

- I'm the neighbor, I live right over there.

Oh! (crowd laughs)

Ooh! (laughs)

- When police arrived on the scene,

they discovered more than they had bargained for.

- What did you discover?

- More than we bargained for.

- Oh.

- [Celia] But authorities are still in question

about the identity of the homicide victim.

- Yeah, this is great. (laughs)

(growls)

I love it.

(growls) Woof, woof, woof.

(laughs) You should see it, big dad.

Hey, when you're finished with him, can I have him?

I want to make a rug. (chuckles)

(crowd screams)

(Malcolm laughing)

(Malcolm grunting)

- And nothing will ever be the same in the lives

of the Shaber family. - Stacey poobah.

Stacey poobah!

I'm the one who saved her! - Jennifer, would you still

have accepted your mother

if you couldn't have changed her back?

I understand. (siren wailing)

You're too emotional to talk right now.

Here is the alleged she-wolf.

Or is it her-wolf? - Thanks.

- And here is the man married

to the poor tormented Mrs. Shaber,

father of the terrified and distressed Jennifer Shaber.

Tell me, Mr. Shaber, do you feel that this whole incident

has bonded you closer to your wife

or pulled you further apart?

- Well, I-- - As you can see,

the whole family is mortified and speechless.

- All right, this whole lawn is under arrest.

- Move it back!

move it back, everybody. - Do not force me

to draw my weapon.

- How the hell do they expect me to do an interview

when no one has anything to say?

- I predicted this, yes!

And Madame Gypsie will tell all.

Tomorrow, I read for kings and presidents!

Tonight, I read for you.

Yes, special today!

$35 today, the special.

Yes, yes yes yes, ladies and gentlemen, come come.

I am getting the feeling, I am getting the feeling!

That tomorrow you will all go on a long cruise

with tall dark strangers.

(crowd shouting at once)

(peaceful orchestral music)

- Honey,

I know I've been a real schmuck in the past.

- Sometimes.

- And a jerk.

- Yup.

- And a-- - Asshole?

- Jennifer, go to your room.

And an asshole.

What I'm trying to say is.

- No more football on weekends?

- No more football.

Except for maybe the Super Bowl, of course.

(smacks)

And maybe (smacks) the Orange Bowl.

Maybe. (smacks)

And then if you're busy.

(smacks)

(phone rings)

- Hello?

- [Stacey] Jennifer, we got a big problem.

- What is it?

- "Fangoria," Issue number 43, October 1978.

Unless a formal exorcism (Jennifer sighs)

is performed on the deceased werewolf,

the one who killed it will transform

within 24 hours of the slaying.

- Good night, Stacey.

- No, Jennifer, Jennifer! (dial tone humming)

(dial beeping) (mystical music)

(phone rings)

- [Jennifer] Stacey, you gotta come over.

And bring Issue 43.

♪ Yeah you bring out the werewolf in me ♪

♪ 'Cause you bring out the werewolf in me ♪

♪ The sun is shining in the heart of suburbia ♪

♪ Everything is seemingly okay

♪ Everyone is smiling and there's no inertia ♪

♪ An almost perfect kind of day ♪

♪ Oh the moon is shining on the hip utopia ♪

♪ And I am standing here with you ♪

♪ Our eyes are touching and there's something happening ♪

♪ I really don't know what I'm gonna do ♪

♪ Gonna change my name to Lon Chaney ♪

♪ 'Cause you bring out the werewolf in me ♪

♪ Yeah you bring out the werewolf in me ♪

♪ Everything is the same yet everything is different ♪

♪ You can feel those changes in the air ♪

♪ I look at you and my heart's on fire ♪

♪ And the flames are spreading everywhere ♪

♪ Gonna change my name to Lon Chaney ♪

♪ 'Cause you bring out the werewolf in me ♪

♪ Oh you bring out the werewolf in me ♪

♪ The sun is shining in the heart of suburbia ♪

♪ Everything is seemingly okay

♪ Everyone is smiling and there's no inertia ♪

♪ An almost perfect kind of day ♪

♪ Oh the moon is shining on the hip utopia ♪

♪ And I am standing here with you ♪

♪ Our eyes are touching and there's something happening ♪

♪ I really don't know what I'm gonna do ♪

♪ Gonna change my name to Lon Chaney ♪

♪ 'Cause you bring out the werewolf in me ♪

♪ Yeah you bring out the werewolf in me ♪