Original subtitles

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy. ♪

We now return to Lassie, starring Vin Diesel.

What is it, Lassie?

There's a fire down at the old church?

And The Rock won't return your texts or phone calls?

He totally blew you off backstage

at the Kids' Choice Awards?

Was he hosting or just presenting?

Oh, well, that's why.

Hey, fellas, three more beers and a Johnnie Wheeler?

Yep.

Man, I love drinking on a Saturday morning.

Thank God I figured out how to sneak out of my house.

Has anyone seen your father?

I swear he was just here a minute ago.

- Hi, Dad. - I'm a waffle.

Peter, you're not going to The Clam, are you?

Waffle!

Now prepare yourselves

'cause the sun is never brighter than when you're day-drinking.

Oh, I think I can handle...

Aah!

I'm sorry for reading people's mail.

Look, one of them scooters you see everywhere

what runs by a app.

Boy, if this is what we get, imagine what the military has.

What?

It's a perfectly reasonable comment.

You know, the military had the Internet way before we did.

GPS, drones, you name it. Look around, guys.

It's an amazing time to be alive.

♪ Wonders ♪

♪ We're surrounded by wonders ♪

♪ That phone in your pocket could power a rocket ♪

♪ But what does the military have? ♪

Joe's song made me kind of want to try it.

All right, now to scan this simple code

like every middle-aged white guy.

It's not... I can't... I'm doing exactly what it said.

Do I take a picture, or...?

Is there an actual person I can talk to?

'Cause it's not working.

Oh, okay. No, wait, now it's doing something.

- Computers, am I right? - No, you're not.

- "Push off." - You're choking me.

♪ Holiday road ♪

♪ Holiday road ♪

♪ Holiday road. ♪

Peter, where are we going?

Relax. It's our nation's capital.

I'm just a fan of history.

Peter, what are you up to?

What? I just love our government.

Or at least I used to.

Hey, Cleveland, wake up.

No, don't wake him. Don't wake him.

I don't think he wants to be reminded.

All those in favor of a giant key ring

for our jail cell, say "aye."

Mayor West, four citizens have gone missing.

They were last seen heading south on a Bird scooter.

Saddle my horse.

As mayor, I reckon it's my duty to round up the strays

and bring 'em back to safety.

He-yaw!

Oops, sorry. They-yaw!

Thank you.

♪ Holiday road ♪

♪ Holiday road. ♪

All right, I've been driving for 18 hours.

Someone else take the wheel... Aah!

Loose opioid!

Oh, crap. A alligator.

Oh, hey. Would you consider not eating us?

Uh... yeah. Maybe.

- Oh, thank God. - I think "maybe" means "no."

He's just being polite. He's gonna eat us.

Well, look at that,

six summers at Lasso Camp finally paid off.

That's where you learned to use the ropes?

No, it was Ted Lasso Camp.

That's where I learned to be nice funny.

Sometimes comedy is building people up.

I know, I know. It's hard to change.

Yep, we're back from space, everyone. We did it.

They know you weren't in space, Peter.

There are social media posts of you crying

'cause you couldn't stop a scooter.

But we're still glad you're home.

Boy, Mayor West is a hero, always saving the day.

One day, I want to be mayor.

Well, Stewie, it's a noble aspiration.

A good start would be learning about politics

- and getting involved at school. - Eh, I suppose so.

A vote for Doug is a vote for progress.

Oh, hey, Stewie.

I had no idea I'd run into the town square

in the Town Square.

Are you gonna go down the hot metal slide

in shorts again?

Yes, Doug, I made a mistake. That's how you learn things.

What are those flyers for?

I'm running for preschool snack captain.

Throwing my diaper into the ring.

All the snack captain does is wear a paper hat

while the teacher passes out Goldfish crackers.

Sure, but you know what they say.

"Today, snack captain, tomorrow, mayor."

- Mayor? - This is just a formality.

My opponent Noah got foot-in-mouth disease,

so I'm running unopposed.

I'd really have to put my foot in my mouth to lose.

- Ho-ho. - Is funny because wordplay.

Huh, I guess Fuad still lives in Quahog.

Brian, Stewie Griffin is now running for snack captain.

And I will defeat that jerk Doug.

Well, we got our fellas back, and I reached my steps today.

- What's that? - Oh, it's a watch that tracks

the number of steps I take each day.

Wow.

♪ Wonders ♪

♪ We're surrounded by wonders ♪

♪ Look around and be amazed ♪

♪ That pad on your lap could buy a shirt at the Gap ♪

♪ But what does the military have? ♪

He was asking too many questions.

All right. Listen, Rupert.

I'm running for snack captain, and our lives are going to be

under the microscope more than they ever have before.

So all I'm gonna say is, I just want to applaud you again

on your commitment to sobriety.

What do you mean "wine doesn't count"?

Yes, rosé is wine.

And I don't want to hear the term

"California sober" come out of your mouth.

Hey, Stewie.

Brian, I want you to be my campaign manager.

Really? What do I have to do?

You'll be in charge of setting up my war room

- and situation room and sex room. - Sex room?

Shh, I can't let Mr. Dramatic over there know.

I don't know. This is already weird.

Please, Brian. I need this.

I need this the way a shoe salesman needs

that foot-measuring device.

I can say with absolute scientific certainty

that you're a 10 1/2.

Now let me get you some shoes that still may or may not fit.

Hey, Stewie, a little birdie told me

you've thrown your hat into the snack captain ring.

Actually it was a tweet.

I just want to say I hope we can have a fair campaign

and forget any past tension between us.

Consider them forgotten, like La La Land,

the most celebrated movie ever made

that suddenly no one remembers, mentions, or cares about.

- Oh, he nailed you. - I'm voting for Doug.

I'm too young to deliver a joke.

Well, looks like the gloves are off.

But I've taken on bigger challenges.

Like playing a game of Paul Simon Says.

Paul Simon says Art Garfunkel is a loser.

Oh, come on, Paul. It's been 40 years. Let it go.

Paul Simon says I wrote all the songs.

We know that. No one is denying you credit.

Paul Simon says five-two is the cutoff for being really short,

- not five-three. - You know what? I'm bored.

I'm gonna play Simon Cowell Says.

Simon Cowell says men should wear low V-necks

- and have breasts. - Thank you for One Direction.

Stewie, our polls show that your classmates see you as aloof.

We need a photo op of you kissing a baby.

All right, well, make it a BOC.

- A what? - A baby of color.

Stewie, what's going on?

I thought I was your campaign manager.

I want you and Chris to compete for my favor.

I will reward absolute loyalty,

even if you have to go to prison for it.

- And who are all these people? - College Republicans.

When they're not on Barstool

or wearing boat shoes nowhere near a boat, they're here.

I've also scheduled a whistle-stop tour

of the playground.

You need to reach the seesaw kids,

the slide kids, and spend time with the jungle gym kids

so they know they have your support.

Ugh, okay, but bring the Purell.

I'll make a speech even greater than Jeffrey Epstein's eulogy.

He gone!

Stewie, this debate is make-or-break.

I've been working on a strong opening.

Take control early, get 'em on your side,

and it's easier to keep them there.

Stewie, would you like to begin?

Thank you.

My friends,

this election is about the future of snack time.

I disagree. This election is about you.

Who is this guy? I love him.

And may I call your attention to my opponent's actions

during the attack on The Capitol?

Here is Stewie waving to supporters

safely behind barricades.

And here he is with Josh Hawley,

fleeing the riot they helped stoke.

Wow, what a little bitch.

Uh-oh.

Doug... are you okay?

My God, is Doug... pooping his pants?

Ew!

What a godsend.

We'll call him Poopy-Doopy Doug. He'll never shake it.

He surged in the polls?

It humanized him, made him more relatable.

Well, two can play at that game.

Global events conspired to push us off the front page.

Chris, the election's tomorrow. It's do-or-die time.

What the hell? You work for Doug now?

I'm sorry, Stewie. Your campaign is a sinking ship.

I need a winner. I'm a professional.

You'd abandon your brother like that?

Sorry, but that's the way things go on The Hill.

What? Is that... is that a thing?

No. What you just saw was a sizzle reel

that cost me $75,000 of my own money.

Friends told me not to use my own money.

"What do they know?" I told myself at the time.

The network decided not to move forward with it.

But they said they still love

being in the Chris Griffin business.

Brian, you're a loyal dog, and you've got a belly rub coming.

Maybe something a little more.

But first we've got to find dirt on Doug.

All right, there's his campaign headquarters.

You stand lookout, and I'll sneak inside looking for dirt.

Stay focused. Don't lick your balls.

God. Wasn't gonna lick my balls.

My God, Doug's got a file on me.

"Stewie Griffin's Weaknesses."

"Shapes"? How dare he?

And to think I let him into my innermost rhombus of trust.

It's hard to rectangle this with the Doug I knew.

Okay, the Internet is not enjoying the shape jokes.

Wait, what do we have here?

Doug still uses a pacifier?

Oh, wait till the papers hear about this.

Damn it, get your act together down there, you kooks.

And that, my fellow classmates, is how I discovered

that Courteney Cox bleaches her starfish.

Anyway, got off on a tangent there,

but more germane to this election,

I have discovered that my opponent still uses this!

Are you willing to vote

for a representative who literally sucks?

I think not.

Stewie Griffin for snack captain.

Thank you, Stewie.

Doug, final remarks?

Ladies and gentlemen of the preschool,

we all know Stewie has a brother and a sister.

Have you ever wondered why they are so much older than Stewie?

Where is this going?

Well, I have, and I did some research.

What I found confirms the dark secret

that I already suspected...

Stewie Griffin was a "whoops baby."

What the devil are you talking about?

Stewie Griffin was a mistake!

- Oh, my God. - A mistake?

He's a big fat phony.

Okay, I think I know whose kid that is.

That's impossible. How could you know that?

Oh, I had a very reliable source.

Tell me what you know.

Stewie's a mistake.

How do you know this?

Because I'm his brother.

Hey, Stewie. What's wrong?

In an effort to win the election,

Doug has stooped to the most preposterous

of lies and mudslinging.

He claims I was a whoops baby. A mistake.

Well, if you think about it, it, it is possible.

No, it's not. That's absurd.

To be honest, I've wondered the same thing.

You are much younger than Chris and Meg.

Lois and Peter had two children back-to-back,

a boy and a girl, one of each, and then stopped.

And those two were already a stretch

for Peter's meager salary.

I mean, don't you think it's a little odd

that their plan would include waiting 14 years,

until Lois was in her 40s...

Not exactly prime reproductive years...

To have their third child?

I-I'm not saying it's true,

but if you do the math, it kind of makes sense.

My God, everything about this is terrible.

Why do you think Peter keeps leaving you

on the fire station steps?

Most things about this are terrible.

Come on, little guy, time to go to the fire station.

Let me just fix my face.

All right, let's go.

I can't believe they never bothered to tell me

I was a mistake.

Well, I'll get my revenge

by using the one trump card every baby has.

I'll refuse to put on my shoes.

Stewie, let's get your shoes on. We're going out.

Oh, oka... Hold still, Stewie.

Come on, let me get your shoes on.

Damn it, Stewie! Stop kicking.

Will you just... Will you hold still?

Damn it. Stop kick... Stewie.

Well, so much for going to the Dangly Shiny Keys Show.

Dangly Shiny Keys Show?

What are we waiting for? Let's go.

What were you upset about earlier?

I don't know, I don't remember.

Me neither, but this is amazing.

What are we doing at this coffee shop, Stewie?

This is Lois's favorite spot and I hacked their system

so they only accept Apple Pay.

She's gonna have no clue what to do.

I'm sorry, we only take Apple Pay.

Oh, wha...? I-Is that on my computer?

Yeah, and if you don't have it,

we're gonna have to take the coffee back.

You'll do no such thing.

Shawn Mendes?!

That's right. Wherever a suburban mom is having trouble

with a phone thing, I'll be there.

Give me your phone.

Here's your coffee.

What do you mean the menu's online?

I'm afraid I'm needed elsewhere.

♪ Shawn Mendes. ♪

All right, time for a little payback.

Let's see how the fat man feels about having a mistake baby

when he has to listen to that same child blast

rebellious rock and roll.

♪ Sugar... ♪

Ha! How do you like that, old man?

If it's too loud, you're too old!

Hey, what's going on down here? I love this song.

No. No, you're supposed to be mad about this.

I do have an issue with the volume, though.

- Oh, yeah, here we go. - It needs to be louder.

♪ Honey... ♪

Hey, we heard The Archies, so we brought punch.

What? No. No.

This is supposed to be making you furious.

Oh, God, this music is making me lose it.

Should we order two cheese pizzas?

- Uh, yeah. - I'm in.

Hey, Quagmire, Betty or Veronica?

Both.

- ♪ Oh, Quagmire ♪ - ♪ Oh, sugar ♪

- ♪ Who else but Quagmire? ♪ - ♪ Oh, honey, honey. ♪

- Hey, Stewie. - What do you want?

Listen, Stewie, I'm sure whoever broke this whoops baby story

to sink your campaign

never intended you to take it personally.

There's something I think you should see.

What? You've got a secret weapons room?

Not exactly. It's a porn room.

These are impressively organized and cataloged.

People in the community like things well-labeled,

so I developed the Spewey Decimal System.

I don't want to sound like a square,

but if you put this level of effort

into your schoolwork, you could really soar.

See that?

That's a mint condition 1983

Kurt Russell-Goldie Hawn sex tape.

Never been opened. Market value of $150K.

Well, if it's never been opened,

how do you know it's the real thing?

Oh, it's the real thing.

People in the community trust each other.

Stop saying "people in the community."

I prefer not to picture that community.

Anyway, there's one I think you might be interested in.

This is dated exactly nine months before I was born.

You have a whole shelf of Lois and the Fat Man's sex tapes?

I have the camera in there on a grunt sensor.

There's a lot of Dad just going to the bathroom.

That's disturbing even to me,

and I've been to an Eyes Wide Shut party.

Sorry, sir, there's a strict 800-penis limit.

If I let you in,

the fire marshal will be all over my back.

But the fire marshal's on that guy's back.

Yeah, but he'll get off his back and on my back.

It's a great party.

Hey, everyone, I'm Peter Griffin,

and this is my Real World audition.

Peter... there's something I want to do.

Oh, God, I know that look.

You're ovulating. Wha-What are you doing?

No. No! Aah!

Wow. Lois has strong thighs.

Please, no!

Fine, just get it over with.

I'm gonna be a mom again!

My existence is justified.

The old man's got quite a meat bag on him, huh?

This... was the night I was conceived?

Yep.

That's how it happened with all of us, Stewie.

That's why we're trash people.

But this means...

technically I'm only half an accident.

- Yep. - Thanks, Chris.

It was me.

I was complimenting my own meat bag.

Brian, say hello to the new snack captain.

You actually won? Wow, congrats, Stewie.

I thought you being a mistake ruined your chances.

How'd you pull it off?

It turns out 70% of the kids' parents aren't married

and 30% are mistakes.

Nobody gets married anymore.

One kid doesn't even have parents.

He just kind of appeared. Sleeps in one of the cubbies.

I mean, that's the story

I would have told this week, but whatever.

Oh, and Doug died in a commuter plane crash this morning.