Original subtitles

PREVIOUSLY ON...

THE NEW NEIGHBOR...

HE'S CUTE. HE'S A BACHELOR.

BECAME A HERO. AAH!

IN A CRISIS THAT BROUGHT JULIE AND AUSTIN TOGETHER,

WHILE CARLOS AND GABY BROKE APART.

I HAD A CAREER AND A FUTURE, BUT I GAVE IT ALL UP FOR YOU,

AND WHAT DID I GET IN RETURN? HEY!

THE POLICE ASSEMBLED THEIR PIECES OF EVIDENCE.

YOUR PHONE NUMBER WAS WRITTEN ON HER HAND.

I CAN'T HELP YOU. NO MEMORY, HUH?

THAT'S CONVENIENT.

(Mary Alice) KAREN McCLUSKEY

HAD ALWAYS BELIEVED IN HELPING OTHERS,

WHETHER THEY WANTED HER HELP OR NOT.

WHAT'S ALL THIS?

YOU KNOW HOW YOU NEVER GOT AROUND

TO PAINTING YOUR GARAGE DOOR?

WELL, IT'S DONE. HOPE YOU LIKE BLUE.

BAXTER! YOU FOUND HIM!

YEAH, AND I GOT HIM NEUTERED, TOO.

I FIGURED YOU WOULDN'T WANT ANY MORE STRAYS AROUND HERE.

KAREN!

HI, ALBERTA.

I TOOK THESE DOWN FOR YOU SINCE, YOU KNOW,

CHRISTMAS WAS SIX MONTHS AGO.

YES, MRS. McCLUSKEY'S HELPING HAND

WAS KNOWN THROUGHOUT WISTERIA LANE.

BUT ON THIS DAY, IT WAS ABOUT TO GET SLAPPED.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? (gasps)

JEEZ, EDIE, YOU SCARED ME. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

GETTING MIKE'S HOUSE READY.

HE COMES BACK FROM THE HOSPITAL TOMORROW.

SINCE WHEN DO YOU HAVE A KEY TO HIS GARAGE?

HE GAVE ME ONE... IN CASE OF AN EMERGENCY.

DON'T LIE TO ME, PRUNE. FINE, I FOUND IT UNDER HIS MAT.

LOOK, I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING WRONG.

I JUST COME OVER ONCE A WEEK AND START HIS MOWER

SO THE ENGINE DOESN'T GET RUSTY.

AND DO YOU MOW YOUR LAWN WITH IT, TOO?

WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL? I'M DOING HIM A FAVOR.

WELL, HE DOESN'T NEED ANY FAVORS FROM YOU.

I'M GONNA GO THROUGH MIKE'S HOUSE ROOM BY ROOM,

AND IF I FIND AS MUCH AS ONE PAPER CLIP MISSING,

I'M CALLING THE COPS.

FUNNY YOU SHOULD TALK ABOUT STUFF THAT'S MISSING.

I FOUND THOSE PICTURES OF MIKE AND SUSAN YOU THREW OUT. PICTURES?

OH, DON'T ACT FOR ME.

I KNOW THAT MIKE'S BEEN HAVING TROUBLES WITH HIS MEMORY.

MY GUESS--YOU DON'T WANT HIM TO REMEMBER

HOW CRAZY HE WAS ABOUT HIS OLD GIRLFRIEND.

(chuckles) I DON'T NEED TO RESORT TO DECEPTION

TO LAND A MAN.

OH, EDIE, I SAVED THE PICTURES...

AND I CAN SHOW THEM TO MIKE ANYTIME I LIKE.

YES, KAREN McCLUSKEY BELIEVED IN HELPING OTHERS...

WHERE ARE YOU GOING WITH THIS?

WHICH SHE FELT GAVE HER THE RIGHT...

TO HELP HERSELF.

***

***

***

SO REMEMBER TO BE POLITE...

EACH YEAR AS PART OF THEIR FUND-RAISING DRIVE,

THE FAIRVIEW ADVENTURE SCOUTS WOULD AWARD A SHINY NEW BIKE

TO WHOEVER SOLD THE MOST MAGAZINE SUBSCRIPTIONS,

AND EACH SCOUT WOULD SET OUT UTTERLY CONVINCED

THE PRIZE WOULD BE HERS.

THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF YOUTH.

YOUNG GIRLS BELIEVE ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE...

THAT IS, UNTIL THEY GROW UP AND GET DIVORCED.

HI.

WHAT IF I TOLD YOU THERE IS A WAY YOU COULD HELP CHILDREN

WHILE ALSO READING YOUR FAVORITE MAGAZINES

AT A REDUCED PRICE?

WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR MORE?

SURE, KNOCK YOURSELF OUT.

WISE CHOICE.

FOR THE LADY OF THE HOUSE, WE OFFER...

"REDBOOK," "GLAMOUR," "VOG-YOU"...

I THINK YOU MEAN "VOGUE," SWEETIE. YOU SURE?

I SHOULD KNOW. I WAS ON THE COVER.

NO WAY.

UH, WAY.

(gasps)

OH, SEE THAT COAT I'M WEARING IN THIS SHOT?

THAT'S GENUINE OCELOT FUR. (chuckles) WOW.

ALTHOUGH THE PHOTOGRAPHER WAS THE REAL ANIMAL,

IF YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING... (chuckles)

WHICH I HOPE YOU DON'T.

AND DON'T EVER DO DRUGS, OKAY?

BEING A MODEL MUST BE SO AMAZING.

WHY DID YOU STOP?

WELL, I FELL IN LOVE,

GOT MARRIED AND MOVED TO THE SUBURBS

FOR THE WHOLE FAIRY-TALE HAPPY ENDING THING.

THAT WAS A CROCK.

SO YOU GOING BACK TO MODELING?

NO. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

WHY NOT? WHAT ELSE ARE YOU GONNA DO?

YOU'RE GOING BACK TO MODELING? THIS IS SO SUDDEN.

WELL, LET'S NOT GET AHEAD OF OURSELVES.

I'M JUST GONNA FLY TO NEW YORK, MEET WITH MY OLD AGENT

AND TAKE IT FROM THERE.

COME ON, YOU GUYS, THIS IS EXCITING.

BE HAPPY FOR ME.

OH, WE ARE. WE'RE JUST GONNA MISS YOU, THAT'S ALL.

WELL, NOW THAT MY DIVORCE IS FINAL,

I NEED A REASON TO WAKE UP IN THE MORNING.

I HAVE THIS HOLE IN MY LIFE THAT CAN'T BE FILLED BY SHOPPING.

THAT'S RIGHT, I SAID IT.

OH, MY GOSH. LYNETTE. OH.

(Tom) I'LL GET THE KIDS. THEY'RE DYING TO SEE YOU. (Lynette) OKAY.

HEY. (chuckles) (Susan) HEY!

HEY! OH, MY GOSH! YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO DO THIS!

(Susan) HELLO! (laughs) HI!

YOU LOOK GREAT. WELL, APPARENTLY, TAKING A .38 SLUG

TO THE SHOULDER AGREES WITH YOU.

YEAH, UM, LISTEN, ABOUT THAT...

THE KIDS DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.

THEY DON'T? I THOUGHT THEY WERE A LITTLE YOUNG

TO DEAL WITH THEIR MOTHER GETTING SHOT.

ALL I TOLD THEM IS KAYLA IS STAYING WITH HER GRANDMOTHER,

AND I MADE UP A STORY ABOUT HOW I GOT HURT. (Parker) HEY, MOM!

(Lynette) OH, HERE THEY ARE! HEY! (boys) MOMMY! MOMMY! MOMMY!

HELLO! OH, THIS SIDE. HI! MWAH! HELLO! MWAH!

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU GOT IN A FIGHT WITH A HOBO.

YEAH... WELL, LET'S SEE HOW WELL YOU DO ON A MORPHINE DRIP.

MOMMY, COME INSIDE.

WE HELPED MRS. McCLUSKEY MAKE YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH. FANTASTIC! LEAD THE WAY! I'M COMING IN. LET'S GO.

(Parker) COME ON. HURRY UP. I'M HUNGRY. (Preston) LET'S GO.

THERE SHE IS! HI, MY LITTLE BUNNY!

MWAH, MWAH!

HEY, WHY DON'T YOU GO INSIDE AND GET THE PARTY STARTED?

I'VE GOTTA--OKAY? GOTCHA.

(Penny) HI. HI, BUNNY. I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.

HEY. HEY, LYNETTE!

UH, YEAH. YOU'RE HOME.

YEAH. HOW YOU DOING?

I'M GOOD. I JUST...

(sighs) HOW DO I...

THANK THE MAN WHO SAVED MY LIFE?

OH, NO, NO, NO. YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY ANYTHING.

I'M GONNA MAKE YOU A CAKE.

(laughs) A CAKE?

YEAH. I NEVER MAKE CAKES. THIS IS HUGE.

IN THAT CASE... THANKS.

(sniffling)

(sighs)

(crying) YEAH, I'M GONNA MAKE YOU A CAKE.

(laughs)

(string quartet playing "Jingle Bells")

CHRISTMAS CAROLS? IT'S NOT EVEN THANKSGIVING.

I'M STARTING MY CARDS EARLY THIS YEAR.

IT PUTS ME IN THE MOOD TO SPREAD HOLIDAY CHEER.

AND WITH THE PACK OF LIES IN THIS FAMILY NEWSLETTER,

SHE SPREADS HOLIDAY DENIAL. ANDREW, IT'S ETIQUETTE.

NOBODY WANTS TO READ THE TRUTH AT CHRISTMAS.

WELL SAID, DARLING. (song ends)

HONEY, WOULD YOU PUT ON ANOTHER CD?

SOMETHING WITH SLEIGH BELLS. OH, BY THE WAY, ORSON,

I NEED, UH, YOUR MOTHER'S ADDRESS AT THE NURSING HOME.

OH, WELL, I APPRECIATE THE THOUGHT, DARLING,

BUT YOU NEEDN'T SEND HER A CARD. OH, DON'T BE SILLY.

I'M SENDING ONE TO THE MAN WHO READS OUR GAS METER.

I CAN CERTAINLY SEND ONE TO YOUR MOTHER. SHE'S COMPLETELY SENILE.

SHE'LL ONLY TRY TO DUNK IT IN HER COFFEE. WELL, ALL THE MORE REASON TO SEND HER ONE.

LET THE NURSES KNOW THAT SHE HAS FAMILY AT HOME WHO LOVES HER

AND WHO COULD DROP BY AT ANY MINUTE

AND SLAP THEM WITH A LAWSUIT.

BREE, I HEAR WHAT YOU'RE SAYING--

ORSON, WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL? IT'S JUST AN ADDRESS.

FINE. I'LL GET MY BOOK.

THE HOME IS SOMEWHERE OVER IN LAKEVIEW.

LAKEVIEW?

OH, YOU GAVE ME THE IMPRESSION THAT SHE WAS BACK EAST.

WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE, FRANKLY,

I WANTED TO AVOID THIS CONVERSATION. BUT IF SHE'S ONLY 30 MINUTES AWAY,

WHY HAVEN'T YOU BEEN VISITING HER?

OKAY, THE TRUTH IS...

IT--IT BREAKS MY HEART TO SEE HER NOW.

I WANT TO REMEMBER HER AS SHE WAS.

BUT, ORSON-- BREE, I REFUSE TO SIT IN A ROOM

THAT SMELLS OF DISINFECTANT AND LIME JELL-O,

MAKING SMALL TALK WITH A WOMAN WHO DOESN'T REMEMBER ME.

NOW LET IT GO, DAMN IT.

(orchestra playing "Sleigh Ride")

BUT BY ALL MEANS, DO SEND A CARD.

THE ELVES WILL TICKLE HER.

***

WELL, SHALL WE?

WAIT. JULIE'S GONNA KNOW WE CAME HOME EARLY FROM THE RESTAURANT

TO CHECK UP ON HER.

I DON'T WANT HER TO THINK I'M OVERPROTECTIVE AND CLINGY.

THE GIRL WAS HELD HOSTAGE.

IT'S ONLY NATURAL YOU'RE GONNA BE A LITTLE BIT CLINGY.

YEAH, IT'S BEEN A WEEK. I'M GETTING ON HER NERVES. HOW ABOUT THIS?

WE CAME HOME EARLY BECAUSE WE HATED THE RESTAURANT.

THE SERVICE WAS DREADFUL, AND THE LOBSTER WAS INEDIBLE.

OKAY.

(sighs)

WAIT, IF WE HATED THE RESTAURANT,

THEN WHY ARE WE BRINGING HOME FOOD?

GOOD POINT. WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!

ARE YOU KIDDING?! THAT'S LOBSTER!

OKAY, I THOUGHT THE RESTAURANT WAS FANTASTIC,

AND YOU WERE THE FUSSY SNOB WHO WAS IMPOSSIBLE TO PLEASE.

WHY DO I HAVE TO BE THE FUSSY SNOB?

BECAUSE YOU'RE BRITISH.

FINE, BUT I TRUST YOU'LL MAKE IT UP TO ME LATER

BY DOING THE THINGS A GENTLEMAN EXPECTS

WHEN HE'S SPRUNG FOR LOBSTER.

(laughs) OH! (laughs)

(laughs)

I'M NOT GETTING ANY TONIGHT, AM I?

(Julie) YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING DINNER! IT'S MY FAULT.

I FOUND THE RESTAURANT TO BE ABSOLUTELY-- OH, LET IT GO. WE CAME HOME BECAUSE

I WAS WORRIED ABOUT YOU, AND WITH GOOD REASON.

YOU, PUT ON YOUR SHIRT AND GET OUT.

WELL, I-I DIDN'T BRING A SHIRT.

SEE, I WAS OUT RUNNING AND-- WHO CARES?! GO!

(scoffs) HOW COULD YOU TREAT HIM LIKE THAT?

IF AUSTIN HADN'T BEEN IN THAT SUPERMARKET,

I MIGHT NOT BE HERE. YES, AND I AM GRATEFUL, BUT I FOUND A WAY

TO SAY "THANK YOU" WITHOUT TAKING MY TOP OFF.

A COUPLE OF BUTTONS CAME UNDONE. IT'S NOT LIKE MY BOOBS WERE OUT.

OKAY, WELL, IT'S, UH, IT'S GETTING LATE AND--AND I REALLY--

NO, IAN, AM I OVERREACTING HERE?

WELL, I CAN UNDERSTAND ON THE HEELS OF A CRISIS,

TWO PEOPLE MIGHT BOND AND FIND THEMSELVES...

YOU'RE A VERY NAUGHTY GIRL!

JULIE, THAT BOY DRINKS, HE STEALS,

AND NOW I FIND HIM MAULING YOU ON MY COUCH?

THAT'S IT. I FORBID YOU TO SEE HIM. YOU CAN'T DO THAT. I CHOOSE WHO I DATE.

YEAH? WELL, I CHOOSE TO GROUND YOU. TWO WEEKS, BABY.

FINE, I'LL JUST SEE HIM AT SCHOOL. WELL, THEN YOU WON'T GO TO SCHOOL. I'LL HOMESCHOOL YOU.

RIGHT, YOU'RE GONNA TEACH ME TRIG?

YOU CAN'T EVEN BALANCE YOUR OWN CHECKBOOK. YES, AND YOU WILL BE POORLY EDUCATED,

AND YOU WON'T GET INTO COLLEGE,

AND YOU WILL WORK FOR MINIMUM WAGE

FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, ALL BECAUSE OF THAT BOY!

I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY! MOM, I LIKE THIS GUY,

AND I'M SORRY IF IT MAKES YOU UNHAPPY,

BUT I'M GOING TO KEEP SEEING HIM.

(sighs)

TA-DA!

DOESN'T THE PLACE LOOK GREAT?

I CAME IN AND STRAIGHTENED UP.

I WANTED EVERYTHING TO LOOK NICE FOR YOU.

YOU OKAY?

YEAH. YEAH, IT'S JUST THAT...

I'M HOME, BUT IT DOESN'T REALLY FEEL LIKE HOME.

IT WILL. GIVE IT TIME.

THE IMPORTANT THING IS THAT YOU'RE BACK FROM THE HOSPITAL,

AND EVERY DAY YOU'RE GETTING BETTER.

HEY, THE WORST IS BEHIND YOU.

I NEED THE DELFINO SEARCH WARRANT.

WE'RE NOT GONNA GET IT WITHOUT PROBABLE CAUSE.

THE GUY'S PHONE NUMBER WAS WRITTEN ON A DEAD GIRL'S HAND.

THE JUDGE IS GONNA NEED MORE. I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT SAY THAT.

HERE'S MONIQUE POLIER'S LAB WORK.

THE INFRARED SPECTROSCOPY

MATCHED PAINT FRAGMENTS IN THE HEAD WOUND

TO THE PROXIMO LINE OF PIPE WRENCHES.

THEY'RE HIGH-END,

ONLY USED BY PROFESSIONAL PLUMBERS,

AND GUESS WHAT OUR BOY DELFINO DOES FOR A LIVING?

I'LL SEE WHAT I CAN DO.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN'T SHOOT HER?

FRANCESCO, IF YOU CAN AIRBRUSH HER ACNE,

YOU CAN AIRBRUSH THE TRACK MARKS.

NOW DON'T CALL ME AGAIN UNLESS SHE O.D.s.

GABRIELLE, MA PETITE FILLE!

MWAH! MWAH!

OH, SIT!

YOU LOOK AMAZING, YOUNGER THAN EVER!

IT'S MY NEW DERMAL FILLER. IT'S BANNED HERE,

SO MY ASSISTANT SMUGGLES IT IN FROM BRAZIL.

ISN'T IT FUN? I HAVE MY OWN DRUG MULE.

(chuckles) THAT'S GREAT!

WELL, I HAVE SOME FUN NEWS OF MY OWN.

I'M READY TO MODEL AGAIN. REALLY? OH.

THE LAST TIME WE SPOKE, YOU COULDN'T WAIT TO QUIT.

YOU WERE GIVING IT ALL UP FOR LOVE.

WHAT HAPPENED TO PRINCE CHARMING?

DIVORCE. (chuckles)

OH, SINGLE AGAIN?

ISN'T THAT IRONIC, SINCE I'M THE ONE YOU CALLED--

OH, HOW DID YOU PUT IT?

A "CAREER-OBSESSED LESBO

WHO WOULD DIE ALONE AND BE EATEN BY HER CATS."

(chuckles nervously) DID I SAY THAT?

WATER UNDER THE BRIDGE. I THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY.

(laughs) IT'S EVEN FUNNIER NOW.

LOOK, MARCELLA, I'M BACK,

AND WE MADE SUCH A GREAT TEAM BEFORE,

AND I THINK WE CAN BE AGAIN.

I DON'T KNOW, DARLING. THINGS ARE DIFFERENT NOW.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA BE ABLE

TO JUMP RIGHT BACK IN WHERE YOU LEFT OFF.

WELL, I JUST WANNA WORK.

BOY, I'M STILL NOT SURE. YOU KNOW WHAT MIGHT HELP?

IF YOU GROVELED.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

WELL, I-I CAN'T TELL BECAUSE YOUR FACE DOESN'T MOVE ANYMORE.

NO, I'M JOKING!

WELCOME BACK, DARLING!

HI.

THANK YOU.

(indistinct conversations)

(loudly) WELL, HELLO THERE!

HOW PRETTY YOU LOOK TODAY!

IT'S WONDERFUL THAT YOU'RE UP AND ABOUT!

YOU MUST BE ENJOYING THESE COLORFUL BALLOONS! (chuckles)

WHY ARE YOU TALKING TO ME LIKE I'M A MORON?

(normal voice) OH! OH, I'M--I'M SO SORRY.

THE--THE--THE NURSE POINTED ME OVER HERE.

I'M--I'M LOOKING FOR GLORIA HODGE.

I'M GLORIA HODGE.

WHO MIGHT YOU BE?

WELL, I MUST SAY, I'M SURPRISED AT HOW LUCID YOU ARE.

ORSON LED ME TO BELIEVE--

THAT I WAS IN THE FINAL STAGES OF DEMENTIA?

(chuckles) NO, I'M AFRAID

THAT'S JUST WISHFUL THINKING ON HIS PART.

WELL, HOW CAN HE FEEL THAT WAY? YOU'RE HIS MOTHER.

I WOULDN'T JUDGE HIM TOO HARSHLY.

OURS IS A... COMPLICATED RELATIONSHIP.

THERE IS LOVE, TO BE SURE,

BUT WE HAVE A WAY OF DISAPPOINTING EACH OTHER.

WELL, HOW DOES HE DISAPPOINT YOU?

HE'S COLD, RIGID...

AND... AND UTTERLY INCAPABLE OF LETTING GO OF THE PAST.

AND HOW DO YOU DISAPPOINT HIM?

I REFUSE TO DIE.

YES, I SEE.

WELL, SURELY THIS RIFT ISN'T IRREPARABLE.

DO YOU KNOW HOW PEOPLE IN NURSING HOMES

SPEND THEIR DAYS, BREE?

THEY THINK ABOUT THE PAST

AND ALL THE THINGS THEY'D DO DIFFERENTLY

IF THEY HAD THE CHANCE.

PLEASE TELL ORSON THAT I'M SORRY,

AND IN SPITE OF EVERYTHING, I STILL LOVE HIM.

WELL, I HAVE A BETTER IDEA.

WHY DON'T YOU TELL HIM YOURSELF?

(Lynette) THAT WOULD BE GREAT. I REALLY APPRECIATE IT.

OKAY. THANK YOU.

SO WHAT DID ED SAY? WHEN DO YOU HAVE TO GO BACK TO WORK?

HE SAID TAKE AS MUCH TIME AS I WANT WITH PAY.

WOW! YOU SHOULD GET GUNNED DOWN MORE OFTEN. (chuckles)

(Lynette) HEY, THERE THEY ARE! (Tom) HEY, GUYS!

HELLO! HOW WAS SCHOOL? MWAH.

MOMMY, WERE YOU SHOT?

SHOT? WHERE DID YOU HEAR THAT?

JORDAN BLACKWELDER.

OH! THAT'S THE SAME LITTLE CREEP WHO TRIED TO RUIN SANTA CLAUS!

AND HE SAID THAT THE SAME CRAZY LADY THAT SHOT YOU

KILLED AUNTIE NORA DEAD.

IT WAS ON THE NEWS AND EVERYTHING.

OKAY, LISTEN, KIDS. I AM SORRY.

WE SHOULDN'T HAVE LIED, BUT SOMETIMES

PARENTS WANNA PROTECT THE KIDS FROM SCARY THINGS.

AND LOOK, THE GOOD NEWS IS, MOMMY'S FINE NOW.

YEAH.

AND WE'LL ALL SEE AUNTIE NORA AGAIN IN HEAVEN.

OR WHEREVER.

DID THEY LET YOU KEEP THE BULLET? (laughs) NO, NO, AFRAID NOT.

THAT BLOWS. WE WANTED TO BRING IT FOR SHOW-AND-TELL.

(laughs)

HEY, SWEETHEART, YOU OKAY?

WHAT IF THE CRAZY LADY COMES BACK?

SHE WON'T. MNH-MNH.

HOW DO YOU KNOW?

COME ON.

WELL, BECAUSE SHE'S...

UP IN HEAVEN WITH AUNTIE NORA.

OR WHEREVER.

(engine revving)

JULIE MAYER, YOU GET BACK HERE!

YOU'RE GROUNDED, REMEMBER?!

UGH. (sighs)

EDIE BRITT, I WANNA TALK TO YOU.

UGH. I JUST SURVIVED A HOSTAGE SITUATION.

HAVEN'T I SUFFERED ENOUGH FOR ONE WEEK?

YOU KEEP YOUR NEPHEW AWAY FROM MY DAUGHTER OR ELSE.

LOOK, I DON'T LIKE IT EITHER,

BUT THE HARDER WE TRY TO KEEP THEM APART,

THE MORE THEY'RE GONNA FIGHT TO BE TOGETHER.

JUST LET IT RUN ITS COURSE.

ARE YOU CRAZY?! IF WE DON'T DO SOMETHING,

THOSE TWO COULD END UP HAVING SEX!

"COULD"?

OH, MY GOD. YOU DON'T--

LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY--

I GOT A BOX OF CONDOMS IN MY DRESSER.

11 ARE GONE.

I CAN ONLY ACCOUNT FOR EIGHT OF 'EM.

HOW CAN YOU BE SO CALM ABOUT THIS?

(front door opens) (Mike) EDIE?

YEAH?

CAN YOU HELP ME WITH THIS TIE? I...

OH. HEY.

MIKE... YOU'RE OUT OF THE HOSPITAL.

YEAH. HE'S HOME.

IN FACT, WE'RE GONNA GO OUT AND CELEBRATE TONIGHT.

I'LL BE WITH YOU IN ONE SEC, OKAY, BABE?

YEAH.

SINCE YOU ASKED, I'M CALM BECAUSE I KNOW

IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER,

THERE'S NOTHING ANYONE CAN DO ABOUT IT.

OKAY, I SHOULD BE BACK AT AROUND 6:00.

THEY CAN HAVE ONE SNACK.

TRY AND PUSH APPLES, BUT IF THEY THREATEN VIOLENCE,

I HAVE AN EMERGENCY CANDY BAR UNDER THE SINK. NOT ANYMORE YOU DON'T.

OH, JEEZ.

MOMMY? WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

TO THE MARKET.

NO!

HEY, SWEETIE, IT'S A DIFFERENT MARKET.

YOU'RE GONNA GET SHOT AGAIN. NO, I WON'T.

LOTS OF MOMMIES GO TO THE STORE EVERY DAY, AND THEY'RE FINE.

IT'S REALLY NOT A SCARY PLACE.

YOU WENT TO THE STORE,

AND YOU GOT SHOT, AND AUNTIE NORA DIED.

I'M ONLY GONNA BE IN THERE TEN MINUTES, I PROMISE.

CAN'T SHE GO?

FINE. I'LL GO.

THANKS.

DON'T GIVE A HOOT IF I GET SHOT, DO YA, KID?

(door opens, shuts)

OH!

YOU MUST BE TANYA. I'M GABRIELLE.

WE'RE GONNA BE CO-MODELS TODAY.

NOW I DON'T KNOW

IF YOU'VE EVER DONE ONE OF THESE BIG SHOOTS BEFORE,

BUT DON'T BE NERVOUS.

DURKIN AND I ARE OLD FRIENDS. HE'S A SWEETHEART.

(chuckles) NOW JUST REMEMBER,

HE'S THE KING, DO EXACTLY WHAT HE SAYS, AND YOU'LL BE FINE.

I'VE BEEN MODELING FOR TWO YEARS,

I'VE DONE SIX MAGAZINE COVERS, AND I'M SLEEPING WITH DURKIN.

WELL, I GUESS YOU'RE ALL SET THEN.

I'VE GOT SOME WARDROBE CHOICES.

YAY! (gasps)

WOW! OH!

I WANT TO BE BURIED IN THIS DRESS!

THIS IS FOR TANYA.

THE "MOM" STUFF IS AT THE END.

"MOM"?

OKAY, LUV, LET'S GET THE BLOOD PUMPING!

THE CONCEPT IS "LOCK UP YOUR DAUGHTERS."

OKAY? GET TO WORK, EVERYBODY.

TANYA, I WANT YOU TO HOVER DOWN HERE ON THE LAWN,

LOOKING ABSOLUTELY DELICIOUS... (chuckles) THANK YOU VERY MUCH--

AND UP HERE ON THE PORCH,

MOM AND DAD LOOKING ALL SCANDALIZED.

EXCUSE ME, DURKIN? YES, LUV?

(chuckles) IT'S GABY.

GABRIELLE MARQUEZ. YOU SHOT ME IN MILAN, REMEMBER?

YES! YES! LOVELY TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

DID YOU HAVE A QUESTION THEN?

I DO. UM...

AREN'T YOU A LITTLE WORRIED THAT I'M GONNA PULL FOCUS?

I MEAN, IT'S A LITTLE CONFUSING.

PEOPLE ARE GONNA SEE TANYA, AND THEN THEY'RE GONNA...

SEE THAT GUY, AND THEY'RE GONNA WONDER WHO I AM.

YOU'RE THE MUM.

(laughs) YEAH! YEAH.

PEOPLE AREN'T GONNA BUY THAT, SO HERE'S WHAT I WAS THINKING.

I SLAP ON ONE OF THOSE GOWNS, I PLAY TANYA'S "BIG SISTER"

HOME FROM COLLEGE TO RAISE A LITTLE HELL.

AND WE'RE GONNA CRAM ALL THAT ON A SUBTITLE, ARE WE?

I'M SORRY. IT'S JUST, THIS OUTFIT IS HIDEOUS!

JUST MAKE IT WORK.

FINE. I JUST NEED A MOMENT TO GET INTO CHARACTER.

GABRIELLE, WHAT'S THE HOLDUP?! WE'VE GOT TO GET MOVING HERE.

READY, READY! (laughs)

WHAT'S THAT?

OH, I MADE IT WORK.

I'M "HOT MOM." (giggles)

GET ME HER AGENT.

BEFORE WE BEGIN, WOULD EITHER OF YOU LIKE

SOME COOKIES, MILK, LEMONADE, PERHAPS?

MOM, WHY ARE WE HERE?

AH, CUTTING TO THE CHASE. I LIKE IT.

(car approaches)

I HAVE A CONFESSION TO MAKE.

THIS WHOLE DATING DRAMA HAS BEEN KEEPING ME UP AT NIGHT,

AND I HATE BEING THE BITCHY, NAGGY MOM.

WHEN IT COMES TO PARENTING,

I AM MUCH MORE COMFORTABLE PLAYING THE GOOD COP.

DO YOU SEE WHERE I'M GOING WITH THIS, KIDS?

(car door shuts) NO.

OH. WELL, IN THAT CASE...

MEET THE BAD COP.

(front door opens, shuts)

DADDY!

HEY, BABY GIRL. THAT THE GUY?

YEP! GET HIM.

(speaking indistinctly)

THIS IS SO UNFAIR.

LOOK, YOU DEFIED MY WISHES, YOU BROKE MY RULES.

DID YOU REALLY THINK I WAS JUST GONNA THROW IN THE TOWEL?

FACE IT. I OUTSMARTED YOU.

UGH!

(sighs)

WHO'S IAN?

WHAT?

YOU'RE DATING SOME BRITISH GUY NAMED IAN.

HOW DID THAT COME UP? I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T REALIZE IT WAS A BIG SECRET.

HEY, YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU SAID IT WAS TRUE LOVE

WITH YOU AND THE PLUMBER, I-I WAS A GOOD GUY.

I STEPPED ASIDE, AND NOW YOU'RE ON TO SOMEONE ELSE.

BIG PICTURE, KARL--

HIS HAND UP OUR DAUGHTER'S SHIRT.

DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT! THAT IS THE SUBJECT!

HOW SERIOUS IS IT WITH THIS IAN GUY?

I DON'T KNOW! IT'S--IT'S COMPLICATED.

YEAH, HE'S KIND OF MARRIED.

HE'S WHAT?!

IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK.

WELL, IN HER DEFENSE, HIS WIFE IS IN A COMA.

ALL RIGHT, THAT--THAT'S IT!

ALL RIGHT, I FORBID YOU TO SEE THIS GUY!

WHAT?! NO! I DON'T TAKE ORDERS FROM YOU! MOM HAS A POINT, DAD.

YOU CAN'T TELL A WOMAN WHO SHE CAN AND CAN'T DATE.

IT'S HER CHOICE.

EXACTLY. THANK YOU. WAIT, NO, THAT DOES NOT APPLY TO YOU.

YOU KNOW, IF YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT MY FEELINGS,

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING HERE.

YOUR FEELINGS? MY GOD, YOU ARE THE WORST BAD COP EVER!

(door slams) UGH!

GO TO YOUR ROOM.

NOT YOU!

(Preston) GET BACK HERE! YOU'RE UNDER ARREST! (Porter) NO, I'M NOT! AAH!

HEY, BUDDY, YOU'VE BEEN READING COMIC BOOKS FOR A WHILE.

DON'T YOU WANNA GO AND PLAY?

NO, I-I WANNA STAY WITH YOU.

YEAH?

OKAY.

(drill whirring)

HEY, ART.

OH, HEY! HOW ARE YA? GOOD.

UM, LISTEN, AS IF SAVING MY LIFE WASN'T ENOUGH,

I HAVE A LITTLE FAVOR TO ASK.

SURE. WHAT'S UP?

MY KIDS ARE HAVING A HARD TIME.

THEY'RE PRETTY FREAKED OUT BY THAT WHOLE SUPERMARKET THING.

YOU'RE MY HOSTAGE!

KEEP MOVING, OR I'LL BLOW YOUR FACE OFF!

(Preston) OKAY, IT'S MY TURN. GIVE ME THE GUN.

NOT SO MUCH THEM. (laughs) RIGHT.

BUT MY OTHER SON, PARKER...

SO... BACK TO THE FAVOR...

HEY, PARKER,

I WANT YOU TO MEET OUR NEW NEIGHBOR, ART.

HE LIVES IN THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET.

HIS SISTER HAS THE COOL WHEELCHAIR WITH THE JOYSTICK.

HEY THERE, PARKER.

HI.

IN THE DAYTIME,

ART COACHES SWIMMING AT THE REC CENTER, BUT...

PLEASE, I CAN TELL PARKER? PLEASE?

AND COMPROMISE MY SECRET IDENTITY?

NO WAY, MRS. SCAVO. NO WAY.

SECRET IDENTITY?

OH, GREAT, NOW THE CAT'S OUT OF THE BAG.

OH, MIGHT AS WELL TELL HIM.

IT'S OKAY. YOU CAN TRUST HIM, REALLY.

ART IS THE ONE WHO SAVED ME AT THE SUPERMARKET.

HE'S SORT OF A SUPERHERO.

GIVE ME A BREAK.

IT'S TRUE.

ALL RIGHT, IF YOU'RE A SUPERHERO,

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

I'M...

"PROTECTOR MAN,"

BECAUSE I PROTECT PEOPLE FROM BAD GUYS.

MM. YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME, DO YOU?

OKAY.

I REALLY SHOULDN'T DO THIS, BUT...

(gasps)

WOW! DID YOU REALLY SAVE MY MOM?

I REALLY DID.

HE REALLY DID.

THAT'S WHY YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY.

THAT'S PROTECTOR MAN'S JOB.

YOUR JOB IS TO RUN AND PLAY AND HAVE FUN.

OKAY?

OKAY.

OKAY.

OH, MY COUSIN WENT TO PURDUE.

WHAT THE HELL?

DELFINO.

NICE TO SEE YOU UP AND ABOUT.

HERE'S OUR SEARCH WARRANT.

SEARCH WARRANT? LET ME SEE THAT.

HOW WE DOING?

WE COULDN'T FIND A TOOLBOX.

THE MAN'S A PLUMBER. KEEP LOOKING.

SIR, I CAN'T FIND A THING.

YOU TIRED? UNH-UNH.

(man speaking indistinctly)

(giggles)

YOU, COME WITH ME.

MARCELLA, LOOK, I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY TOLD YOU,

BUT ALL I'M ASKING FOR IS A SIMPLE COSTUME CHANGE.

YOU DON'T GET TO PULL DIVA CRAP.

TANYA GETS AWAY WITH IT BECAUSE SHE'S A STAR.

YOU ARE NOTHING. WHERE DO YOU GET OFF TALKING TO ME LIKE THAT?

I SHOT 36 COVERS BY THE TIME I WAS 20!

WELL, YOU'RE 30 NOW.

WHEN YOU MAKE THAT FACE, YOU LOOK 35.

DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY PHOTOGRAPHERS

WOULD DIE TO WORK WITH ME AGAIN? YEAH. ZERO.

I HAD TO CALL IN MAJOR FAVORS JUST TO GET YOU THIS JOB.

I DON'T BELIEVE THAT. WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT I DON'T BELIEVE?

YOU GAVE UP A BRILLIANT CAREER TO PLAY HOUSE IN THE SUBURBS,

AND THE MINUTE IT FALLS APART,

YOU COME BACK HERE EXPECTING A HOMECOMING PARADE.

WELL, GUESS WHAT, SWEETIE? WE'VE MOVED ON.

NOW GET YOUR POLYESTER ASS OVER THERE

AND ACT LIKE THE PRO YOU USED TO BE.

(Durkin) BEAUTIFUL, TANYA. THAT'S IT. CHIN UP. FANTASTIC!

MOTHER, HOLD THE PLATE HIGHER.

(camera shutter clicking)

BEAUTIFUL, TANYA. OH, YOU ARE GORGEOUS!

YES, GIRL! LOVELY, LOVELY!

(doorbell rings)

HIYA, MIKE. WELCOME HOME. YOU REMEMBER ME?

YEAH, I-I THINK SO.

THE--THE CORNER HOUSE WITH ALL THE GNOMES OUT FRONT?

YOU'RE THINKING OF MARTHA HUBER. TERRIBLE STORY.

SOMEONE BEAT HER TO DEATH,

AND THEN BURIED HER IN THE FOREST.

IRONIC, HUH? ISN'T THAT WHERE GNOMES LIVE?

I DON'T REALLY KNOW THAT MUCH ABOUT GNOMES.

ANYWAY, I KNOW THE COPS WERE HERE EARLIER.

SO?

WELL, YOU WON'T REMEMBER THIS, BUT ONE NIGHT TWO YEARS AGO,

YOU DROVE ME TO THE HOSPITAL AFTER I HAD AN ATTACK OF ANGINA.

PROBABLY SAVED MY LIFE.

ANYWAY, I FIGURE I OWE YA. HERE.

YOU MIGHT WANNA WASH THAT WRENCH OFF.

IT'S GOT SOMETHING ON IT.

SORRY I'M LATE.

MRS. PRESCOTT BROKE A CROWN AND...

ORSON, HOW WELL YOU LOOK.

HELLO, MOTHER.

A WORD, DARLING?

(whispering) I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DID THIS!

AND I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU TOLD ME THAT SHE WAS SENILE!

YOU LIED TO ME. YES, TO SPARE US THE MISERY OF HER COMPANY.

YOU DON'T KNOW HER, BREE. SHE'S A LOATHSOME WOMAN,

AND I REFUSE TO BREAK BREAD WITH HER.

NOW YOU LISTEN TO ME. THAT WOMAN GAVE YOU LIFE,

AND THE FIFTH COMMANDMENT TELLS US TO HONOR OUR PARENTS

NO MATTER HOW HIDEOUS OR REPELLENT THEY MAY BE. THAT'S NOT EXACTLY WHAT--

ORSON, IT'S IMPLIED!

NOW GET OUT THERE AND SHOW HER SOME RESPECT!

FINE, BUT IF YOU EXPECT ANYTHING MORE FROM ME

THAN FORCED CIVILITY,

YOU WILL BE DEEPLY DISAPPOINTED.

BREE, THIS SALMON IS SUPERB.

WELL, THANK YOU!

IT DID WIN ME THE BLUE RIBBON AT THE GOURMET COUNTY COOKOFF.

I JUST LOVE THE SAUCE. WHAT GIVES IT THAT KICK?

AH, AH, AH! YOU'D NEVER ASK A MAGICIAN HOW A TRICK IS DONE.

(laughs)

YOU'VE BARELY TOUCHED YOUR SALMON, DEAR.

IS EVERYTHING OKAY?

YES. I WAS JUST WONDERING WHY YOU'RE HERE.

I WANT US TO BE FRIENDS.

OKAY, LET'S SUPPOSE

I JUST HAD A MASSIVE HEAD INJURY AND BELIEVE YOU.

WE'RE PALS. NOW WHAT DO YOU WANT?

ORSON, WHY DOES SHE HAVE TO HAVE AN ULTERIOR MOTIVE?

I WANT OUT OF THAT HOME.

AH, THERE IT IS. IT'S A HELLHOLE!

BESIDES, I'M PERFECTLY HEALTHY NOW.

MY HIP IS BETTER, I CAN HANDLE THE STAIRS, AND YOU SAID

WHEN I GOT STRONG ENOUGH I'D GET TO GO BACK TO MY HOUSE.

OH, HERE'S THE THING-- I SOLD IT.

WHAT?

YOU HEARD ME.

WHAT ABOUT MY THINGS?

ALL GONE. OH, I ALSO SOLD THE CAR.

SEE, THAT'S THE THING ABOUT HELLHOLES.

THEY DON'T PAY FOR THEMSELVES.

HOW DARE YOU?! YOU HAD NO RIGHT!

OKAY! MAYBE I WILL SHARE MY SECRET INGREDIENT.

I SHOULD HAVE SMOTHERED YOU IN YOUR CRIB

WHEN I HAD THE CHANCE.

PAPRIKA! THERE, IT'S OUT!

THAT'S THE MOTHER I REMEMBER!

I WAS WONDERING WHEN SHE'D SHOW UP.

YES, ORSON, I AM YOUR MOTHER,

SO YOU MORE THAN ANYONE SHOULD KNOW HOW I DEAL WITH BETRAYAL.

SO...

CAN WE CALL HER GRANDMA?

I'VE GOT ONE MORE LOAD, AND THEN I'M GONNA DO MY HOMEWORK.

DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING YOU WANT ME TO THROW IN?

NO, I'M GOOD. THANKS.

MOM, LISTEN...

I KNOW I'VE PUT YOU THROUGH THE WRINGER LATELY,

AND I'M SORRY.

(sighs) 16 YEARS OF BEING PERFECT.

YOU WERE DUE.

THAT'S WHAT I DON'T GET.

YOU'VE ALWAYS TRUSTED MY JUDGMENT.

WHY CAN'T YOU TRUST ME ABOUT AUSTIN?

RELATIONSHIPS HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH GOOD JUDGMENT.

IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW SMART YOU ARE.

YOU CAN STILL GET HURT.

YOU DO YOUR HOMEWORK. I'M GONNA FINISH THE LAUNDRY.

OKAY.

(sighs)

THERE YOU GO, MRS. H.

ALL RIGHT.

CAN I USE YOUR BATHROOM, JUST...

COME ON IN. OH, THANK YOU.

PLEASE, STAY FOR DESSERT.

I'LL WORK ON ORSON, AND WE'LL DISCUSS THIS TOGETHER.

YOU SAW WHAT HE SENTENCED ME TO--

A ROOM NO BETTER THAN A FURNISHED COFFIN.

I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY TO HIM.

WELL, THEN TALK TO ME.

I KNOW YOU'RE UPSET, BUT DON'T SHUT ME OUT. PLEASE.

PLEASE, GLORIA,

LET ME IN.

WELL, I... I DIDN'T MEAN IT LITERALLY, BUT OKAY.

WE'LL, UM, WE'LL SIT TOGETHER... (engine starts)

AND WE'LL TALK. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M NOT GOING BACK TO THAT PLACE.

(Bree) AAH! GLORIA, STOP!

LET'S GET MY MOTHER BACK TO THE HOME, SHALL WE?

YEAH. UM, UH, NOT THAT IT'S ANY OF MY BUSINESS,

BUT, UH, IS EVERYTHING OKAY WITH YOU FOLKS?

OH, YEAH, THERE WAS A LITTLE TENSION EARLIER,

BUT I THINK IT'S ALL BEEN RESOLVED. OH.

(brakes squeal, loud crash)

(water gushing)

OH, WHAT THE HELL?!

(Orson) NO, I ABSOLUTELY FORBID IT!

JUST FOR A FEW WEEKS

TILL WE FIND A PLACE WHERE SHE'LL BE HAPPIER.

YOU SHOULD'VE HEARD HER IN THE CAR.

SHE'S ABSOLUTELY MISERABLE IN THAT NURSING HOME. I DON'T CARE.

MY MOTHER'S NOT MOVING IN HERE

TILL SHE FITS IN A JAR ON THE MANTLE. (whispers) HOW CAN YOU BE SO COLD?

YOU DON'T KNOW WHO SHE IS.

I'VE WORKED MY ENTIRE LIFE TO GET AWAY FROM THAT WOMAN.

WHY? WHAT COULD SHE POSSIBLY HAVE DONE

TO MAKE YOU HATE HER SO MUCH?

LOOK, THERE IS NOTHING TO BE GAINED

BY DREDGING UP THE PAST.

ORSON, IF THERE'S SOMETHING I SHOULD KNOW...

COULD I SPEAK TO MY SON A MOMENT?

OF COURSE.

(clears throat)

SO YOU KNOW,

I'VE DECIDED TO ACCEPT YOUR WIFE'S KIND INVITATION.

I WON'T ALLOW IT.

OH, I THINK YOU WILL.

WE'RE GOING TO END OUR QUARREL RIGHT NOW,

OR I'LL TELL YOUR WIFE WHAT IT'S ABOUT.

YOU WOULDN'T.

JUST TRY ME.

I GAVE YOU LIFE.

YOU KNOW I WON'T HESITATE TO TAKE IT AWAY.

NOW GIVE MOTHER A KISS.

WHY IN THE HELL WOULD I WANNA DO THAT?

TO MAKE IT LOOK REAL.

THANK YOU. HEY, YOU'RE BACK! OH!

I'D GIVE YOU A HUG, BUT I'M REALLY SWEATY.

SO HOW WAS NEW YORK? OH, IT WAS FINE.

BREE SAID YOU GOT A JOB ON THE FIRST DAY.

YOU'RE SUCH A STAR! I WANT DETAILS.

OH. (laughs) YOU KNOW, JUST HOURS AND HOURS

OF SITTING AROUND, LOOKING PRETTY. (chuckles)

BUT I THINK I'M DONE WITH MODELING.

SO YOU'RE NOT GONNA MOVE TO NEW YORK?

WELL, IF SOMETHING GREAT COMES UP, I-I MIGHT FLY OUT,

BUT I'M PRETTY SETTLED HERE. (chuckles)

OH, THANK GOD! WE WERE ALL SO WORRIED WE WERE LOSING YOU.

OKAY, NOW I'M HUGGING YOU. (both laugh)

OH, IT'S AMAZING.

YOUR LIFE IS SUCH AN ADVENTURE.

CAN'T WAIT TO SEE WHAT YOU DO NEXT. (chuckles)

YEAH, ME, TOO.

OKAY.

HUH.

MR. PROTECTOR MAN? (whispers) SHH, SHH, SHH! THAT'S A SECRET.

HELLO?

HELLO?

AH, SWEET!

(train whistle toots)

(chugging)

MOM, LOOK!

HEY, DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING.

I'M JUST GONNA WRITE A NOTE, AND THEN WE'LL GO.

OKAY.

PARKER? HEY!

COME BACK HERE!

HONEY? COME ON, WE'RE LEAVING.

PARKER.

PARKER, COME ON, WE'RE LEAVING.

WHY DIDN'T YOU COME WHEN I CALLED?

(music playing on pinball machine)

SUPERHERO HOUSES ARE GREAT!

PARKER, COME ON, WE'RE GONNA GET OUT OF HERE.

WHY? OH, I JUST SAY SO. COME ON.

THERE ARE SO MANY THINGS

WE WISH WE COULD TELL THE YOUNG.

WE'D LIKE TO PERSUADE THEM NOT TO GROW UP SO FAST,

BUT THEY WON'T LISTEN.

WE WANT TO TELL THEM THAT BEAUTY FADES...

(Durkin) LET'S SEE THE LOOK, DARLING.

BUT THEY REFUSE TO BELIEVE IT.

(camera shutter clicking)

WE WARN THEM THAT THEIR ACTIONS WILL HAVE CONSEQUENCES,

BUT STILL THEY DEFY US.

SADLY, THE YOUNG CAN'T BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND

THE WORLD IS A DANGEROUS PLACE.

SO IT'S UP TO US TO DO ANYTHING WE CAN

TO PROTECT THEM.

WHAT IF I TOLD YOU

THERE IS A WAY YOU COULD HELP CHILDREN...

ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING.