Original subtitles

[SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]

Bernardino!

Hey, Mammone!

[LAUGHING]

BERNARDINO: Ah, you two. I might have known!

Yeah.

I knew it was you, who else stinks like you?

Oh, yeah? What do you shit, roses?

[EXCLAIMING] Does that feel good.

[BOTH GROANING]

It's all we ever give the world.

[SHUSHING] That kind of horseshit makes me constipated.

Fuck them, shit's all they got the right to expect.

Hey, man.

[GRUNTING AND GROANING]

What a son of a bitch you are, though.

Look what your mother got!

I'm a son of a bitch too, but I'm no murderer.

Oh, what do you mean? The slobs asked to be murdered.

It's the same with me.

It's their fate to get killed. They just had to be murdered, you know?

Poor guys!

Poor guys us, who got to commit murder.

By Christ, I once was hired to stab a damn cardinal.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

I'm sticking a knife in his back and he spins and says, "And fuck you, too!"

[LAUGHING]

That's just like when I murdered this duke...

Here I got I got two hands around his throat. When he says, "That's enough, dog."

That son of a bitch calling me a dog!

Yeah, you dog, you!

And fuck you, too.

Yeah. God made all of us be crucified.

What the hell, do you think anybody's any better than us?

A man's a man, nobody's any different.

God protects us all, from one-eyed blind men with no hands

and wormy cheese that's sour.

Let the good Lord protect us from ladies with clap, or piss in our wine.

And from skinny priests and fat pigs

from the winds of hell and from monks who stink up the world.

May God protect all of us from those lousy sons of bitches!

My Christ! Well, I'm no worse than all those pricks, whores, pimps and murderers...

Cut purses, panderers. Those usurers and bigots and fake saints.

Holy men, my ass! Listen to all the crap they hand out!

[CHURCH BELLS TOLLING]

[SPEAKING LATIN]

ALL: Amen.

POPE: Dear Cardinal Vicario. And how fare our orphans these days?

Well, Your Holiness, very well.

General Gaudillo, you have news to tell us of our brave Swiss Guards?

It is some time since we spoke last.

All is well, Your Holiness.

You wouldn't try to keep us in the dark?

You refer to our new commanding officer.

I'm afraid what you've heard is quite true.

All the men of his regiment were told to take an enema.

POPE: All 600 of them?

All 600, Your Holiness.

Oh, dear Lord! Dear Lord!

[WHISPERING]

Well... We are in good time to eat. Let us dine.

Even we confess to a certain hunger.

Ah, my dear Duke Ronciglione.

Your presence here has just reminded me of the beautiful church

that you had restored in the name of the Virgin Mother. Superb, just marvelous.

And what news of Don Anselmo, to whom you entrusted your church?

He's well, Your Holiness. Oh, at least tolerably so.

But he complains of gout occasionally.

[ALL SINGING IN LATIN] ♪

[YELLS]

[CHURCH BELLS TOLLING]

Poor Don Anselmo, the Virgin Mary took him to heaven.

He always kept touching, why couldn't he keep his hands off?

Poor Don Anselmo.

Poor Don Anselmo.

A good man, generous, educated, respectful...

He must've been homosexual. Oh, Blessed Virgin, help the dear old soul!

Nicolino.

[SHUSHING]

BERTOLINA: Nicolino!

Nicolino!

[SHUSHING] Can't you show some respect for the dead?

Don't tell me I can't call my husband if I please.

Do all the pleasing you want. Only a bed's the place to fuck, not here.

We must think, my dear, of someone worthy to succeed him.

Oh, God, my feet hurt.

Why must they walk at this snail's pace? You'll recall that I warned you.

Patience, dear Caterina, patience.

Patience, dear Caterina.

[SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]

Ah, he has such a healthy appetite.

I tell you, it's truly awesome.

For dinner last night, His Holiness put the whole table to shame.

Just to begin he had a plate of ham and two whole melon slices.

Followed by a great huge heap of lasagna, which is his favorite dish.

Ah, what a pleasure to watch him eat it!

After that, two pork cutlets, lamb and chicken on the grill.

Two splendid cheeses.

Good Lord above, where does he find the room in his stomach?

Then I did take the slender volume from the angel's hand, and I devoured it.

It was sweet in my mouth as the taste of honey.

But when I had consumed it, I felt a bitterness in the depths of my bowels.

A voice whispered within, "The hour is not yet come to relax your search."

This world that imprisons our souls is shallow and fatuous...

Lacking in conscience, perverse, corrupt, impious.

A world of flesh, a world enslaved by flesh.

This doomed world wallows in sin.

Upon this world I see only blood and death!

What's wrong, Caterina?

Is something wrong, dear?

You're so strange lately.

[LAUGHING STIFFLY] The strangeness of growing old.

Who says so?

[CHUCKLING STIFFLY]

Whenever we've made love lately, you've seemed so distant.

There has to be some reason.

All that really matters is that I am here with you.

My dearest treasure...

My pussycat.

My lovely pussy.

Wake up.

Go let him in.

[MEOWING]

Come in. Follow me.

[MEOWING]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[ALL CHATTERING]

It's the priest. The new priest is coming!

Hey, it's the new priest, right up there!

MAN: He's coming!

GIACOMO: Dearly beloved, it behooves us above all

to express our gratitude to our noble benefactor,

His Excellency the Duke of Ronciglione.

It is he to whom we must express our gratitude for our newly restored church.

It's restoration was due to him alone.

May we all be worthy of his generosity.

Unmannered country folk though you are, now you will have the opportunity to learn

to live in a higher and more civilized manner.

To this end, I call upon each man here to sanctify the feast days,

to live in the pure Catholic manner.

In other words, do not rob your neighbor of his goods.

Avoid pasturing your sheep in your neighbor's fields.

And this above all. Do not covet your neighbor's wife.

[SINGING IN ITALIAN] ♪

I wonder why is she keeping us waiting?

[SINGING CONTINUES FAINTLY] ♪

My pussycat, my Caterina.

What is it Caterina? What's happened?

Again...

No, no. I am not mistaken. There is something.

You are not the Caterina I knew.

But I am. What makes you think I have changed so?

I'd give 10 years of my life to be sure I could answer that.

You remain as hypocritical, full of lies, as elusive...

None of that surprises me.

But that's not what has changed. It's not that, Caterina.

Have you been waiting?

Who wants to be first?

All right, who wants to be first?

How about you going, huh?

Well, I just finished my dinner.

Maybe I should go first.

You were all ready for me, weren't you?

[MOANING]

[ROOSTER CROWING]

WOMAN 1: Bertolina! WOMAN 2: Bertolina!

WOMAN 1: Bertolina, can't you hurry?

Hurry, what are you doing? Having kittens?

You need never feel shame Bertolina.

Have confidence in your father confessor.

You realize that you must place your soul in my keeping, Bertolina.

Of course, padre.I know.

Good, then tell me,

have you an adequate sexual relationship with your husband?

Nicolino has his special likes.

But, of course, your contacts follow the rules of nature.

Well, once in a while Nicolino will say, "Turn around, Bertolina."

And you?

I have to commit a sin, padre.

With other young men also?

No, no, padre!

You harbor the thoughts?

BERTOLINA: No, never, padre.

And should one make an obscene proposition?

I'd tell him no!

Though he who asked were I?

What reply could I give?

Suppose I really do propose it?

You're a priest, you're supposed to be praying for our souls.

It would be unforgiveable to commit a sin with you father confessor.

I've been told that women who make love with their priests or with monks,

or with any kind of padre...

I've heard the devil takes their soul to hell.

Stupid nonsense, those are tales old hags and witches tell to frighten you.

We must not forget that your father confessor is only human like your Nicolino.

It's not so, padre. You are so much better. But...

But what, my dear?

Don't you want to be nearer to... To the church?

Then how shall we do it?

We'll do it very well, don't you worry.

And no one will be the wiser for it.

One of these days, I will come to bless your house

and in coming I will bless thee as well.

[CHATTERING AND SHOUTING]

[SHOUTING]

[WHISTLES]

Hey!

Hey!

[BLOWING RASPBERRY]

[WHISTLING]

[SOFT FLUTE MUSIC PLAYING]

Bless this house and all who live in it.

Bless this house and all who live in it.

Come on, we're not through yet.

Lord Jesus Christ bless our house.

Let us praise the Lord.

Bless this house, oh Lord Jesus and on all who dwell therein thy blessings.

Here you are.

These are for you.

Wait here for me. I will finish by myself. Enjoy your cookies, children.

[LAUGHING]

And what a beautiful pussy you are.

[CHURCH BELLS TOLLING]

I see the streets running red with blood and gore.

Flesh will be torn, our bodies will be rent asunder.

Excuse me, if you will my dear ladies. I shall return.

I am so sorry to interrupt, but this is most urgent!

Of course.

That matter is extremely delicate and of pressing importance to me.

Your Excellency, your wishes are my command.

I know that you are my wife's confessor, padre.

She makes her confession every Friday in the convent chapel. Does she not?

Indeed she does! Your spouse is most devoted to our mother church.

Quite.

It's one way to keep busy.

The ladies of our society are devoted churchgoers.

It's their marketplace for the latest gossip.

But that's not what I wanted to talk about. I will come to case at hand.

I respect the secrecy of the confessional

of course, and I would never suggest that you violate your principles.

I value the esteem you place on our vows of secrecy.

But, you see, my wife's secrets are another matter, and that's where you come in.

[CHURCH BELLS TOLLING]

Ah!

How imponderable are the secrets of those who are called female.

That's well spoken. I was sure you would help.

Naturally, there can be no question of your violating the secrecy of the confessional.

I'd never ask that. However, were it possible for me in some way to listen in...

But how could you possibly arrange that?

You might squeeze me into the confessional with you.

It's going to be a tight fit, Your Excellency.

Try again!

Here.

Keep your eye on it!

Come on, pitch it.

MAN: Get it in there, come on!

Hey, Nicolino.

There's something I want to tell you.

Here, come help me with all this stuff.

All right, what do you want?

Nicolino, you know that I love you as if you were my own son.

I want only what is good for you, and I'm not one to gossip, you know that.

I even prayed maybe I was mistaken, for your sake.

What the hell are you talking about, anyway?

It's about the other day when the priest came to your house to bless it.

All the other houses, it took him only a minute,

you know, the same old blessing routine that the padregoes through

it takes a half a second

in your house the blessing took over an hour.

He went inside and stayed there.

Your wife gave the choir boys a few biscuits to munch on.

They waited by your door while the priest, uh...

Bertoli, get my things together.

A pair of pants and a clean jacket and everything.

I'm going to Rome for 3 days, for the duke,

it's not my idea, it's just something I have to do.

[URINATING]

[WHISTLING]

Here she is. She's coming.

Padre.

Padre.

Padre.

Oh, I didn't hear you call.

[BOTH SPEAKING LATIN]

Amen.

Open your heart to me, confess your sins that God may forgive you.

What sins have you committed?

Well, the usual padreMatteo, I wasn't very nice to the domestics last week.

I got angry at Maria and I'm afraid I was too severe with old Benito, our butler.

They don't deserve it. They work very hard.

A venial sin, what else?

Well, I was also envious.

In my defense, however, you must admit

that the hat which the French ambassador's wife wore to the party

would make any woman green with envy.

And against my husband I have also sinned.

I confess that I have not always been truthful to him.

The other day, for example, while at dinner I told him that his steak was beef

when actually it was veal.

And what about your carnal sins?

This week it was the same as last. I cheated on my husband again.

[MUFFLED] With who?

With whom? How can I remember all the names?

There are so many. There were the usual.

MATTEO: How many?

Let me think. One...

Five...

Seven...

Eleven. Eleven, yes.

[BOTH WHISTLING]

A falling star...

Make a wish, Nico.

I did already.

What a sky. You could even count the stars.

What good would it do if you did? Couldn't bring them down to Earth.

[WHISTLING]

If you want to count, count how many more nights

we're going to have to sleep out in the cold.

Oh, forget it. Nico, my boy. Life will decide all these things.

And we go where we goddamn well please, so shit, this is a great big world.

I'm trembling inside.

[BOTH MOANING]

[BANGING AT DOOR]

[WHIMSICAL FLUTE MUSIC PLAYING]

No, Nicoli! No, Nicoli!

You know I love you but the priest asked, I couldn't refuse!

I won't kill you, padre.Move.

Take the knife, you bastard! Take it!

Now, cut it off!

Cut it off, I said!

You're gonna cut it off yourself.

Cut it off, or I'll do it!

[GROANING IN ANGUISH]

[SPEAKING IN LATIN]

ALL: Amen.

[CHURCH BELLS TOLLING]

What time it is? What news of Rome today?

All is well, Your Holiness. All is well.

The orphans are happy, are they?

Is the guard in form, General?

It is, Your Holiness.

Very good.

All in order. Let us pass to table, then. Ah, to eat!

The sole remaining consolation which enriches our lives as we grow older!

And today, Sister Cecilia has made for us one of her specialties. Peas.

Only these are not ordinary peas, her sauce makes them divine!

To begin, oysters, of course, and fresh lettuce salad seasoned with herbs

from our garden and a choice of appetizers.

Ah, dear Sister Cecilia. Dear Sister Cecilia, why is it growing so dark?

Oh Lord, everything so...

[ALL CLAMORING]

I'm dying! The prophecies are coming true!

It's the hour when darkness descends!

Oh, that cursed brother.

That monk his name was Matteo.

It was he. It was he who brought this upon us with his evil omens!

"I see blood everywhere," he said, "I see death."

May he lose the gift of his eyes!

May he be banished from Rome!

Let him spread his evil prophecies elsewhere.

Are all of you here?

Yes, we're here, Your Holiness. We're all here.

Good, then prepare yourselves.

You're all going with me to the kingdom of eternal night.

You're going. You're all going to be going with me.

Yes, to be sure, Your Holiness.

What's a century, after all? Give or take a few years?

Please, Excellencies, he must rest, please leave.

His Holiness must conserve his strength.

Please, Excellencies.

[CHATTERING]

You seem anxious.

I know how worried you are, Excellency. They could choose someone else.

If you do make it, what name will you select?

Pius. Yes, Pius.

Pius suits me nicely.

POPE: [GROANING] Sister Cecilia...

I would like a glass of water.

Quickly. Get undressed.

In the middle of the day?

Yes, please, get undressed!

[SINGING SOFTLY IN ITALIAN] ♪

[GASPING]

My little pussy!

[SCREAMS]

Let me go!

Caterina!

Caterina!

Look!

Look at this!

[GROANING IN ANGUISH]

[SCREAMING IN PAIN]

Sad?

Mm-hmm.

Anyway, what's the difference? They say time heals all wounds.

[FARTING]

[IMITATING BIRD CHIRPING]

Who's there?

[LAUGHTER]

Oh, I'm sorry.

No, not at all! Make yourself at home.

[GROANING UNCOMFORTABLY]

My boys, that was a rough one.

Sometimes it's rough, sometimes it's smooth, just like life.

What a pity after having carried the damn thing for so long.

Tell us, what trade do you ply?

I get good money in the villages praying for the dead and chanting litanies.

Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye. Hear my song.

[SINGING ITALIAN OPERA POORLY] ♪

[MEN LAUGHING]

[CONTINUES SINGING] ♪

You must make yourself a pretty penny doing what you do, sir.

A pretty penny indeed. What you see here represents over a dozen dead men.

So much the better.

[LAUGHING]

Ah! There's a beautiful pile of shit.

I feel much better.

You're off to make your pennies grow.

Have to keep busy, I'm off to the next village.

If the good Lord'll strike a few dead, before I get there it'll be my fortune.

Soon as I hit the village square I break into my song.

[SINGING IN ITALIAN] ♪

MAMMONE: Hey, Bernardino!

Come on get a taste this water, it's delicious.

Hey, Bernardino, I hope we won't have to kill him. I never killed anybody. No?

Me neither, I'm not a murderer. I only made all those stories up.

They were all lies.

There's two of us. We could just make off with the purse and that's all.

Don't give us problems, old man.

All you need to do is give us your purse and you can go.

[BOTH GROANING IN PAIN]

[WHIMPERING]

[SOFT FLUTE MUSIC PLAYING]

[ALL CHANTING IN LATIN]

Bernardino Camoratella, you will be executed tomorrow in the morning hours.

Hundred and sixty, more or less.

Coronato Chiappa, you will be executed tomorrow in the morning hours.

EXECUTIONER: This one weighs about 165.

Imagine being hung!

Yeah.

Well, we won't be the first. There's plenty of men who hanged.

And plenty will hang after us.

Bernardino wishes you well, ladies

you'll have to get along without me. That's sad.

Goodbye girls, goodbye. And weep for me.

For each kiss, thanks. For each caress, thanks!

Bernardino, are you married?

Am I? I got a wife in every damn village in Italy!

In Guadino, Alatri, San Bussetto, Cave,

Palestrina, Rocca di Papa, Ariccia...

Ronciglione, Zangarolo.

Mammone, where the hell are you from?

[SINGING IN ITALIAN] ♪

Where I come from is a happy place.

They're born happy and they don't change.

My God, you should hear them. They can't stop laughing.

Up in the morning at dawn, they go off to the meadows

and they breathe fresh air.

Then they go picking cherries, or peaches, or strawberries...

Yes, sir, they know how to live in my town.

And they're free.

[SINGING IN ITALIAN] ♪

[SHEEP BLEATING]

[SINGING IN ITALIAN] ♪

Hey, Chiavone!

CHIAVONE: Yeah, why don't you give me some of your wine?

No, you drink too much, get some food in you.

[CHUCKLING]

Cacchione, you're full of shit, you are.

[CHUCKLES]

Any man who don't drink makes a poor lover.

Who do you make love to out here?

The sheep, you idiot!

You have made love with a...

Sure with sheep. Why not with sheep, stupid?

They're mine, aren't they?

Didn't you ever make love with yours?

That's crazy, Chiavone.

You never laid a sheep? Try it and you'll say sheep are the best you had.

Go make love to a sheep. Prove me wrong, then.

What's a sheep got that's so good? My woman's got everything.

Everything? How do you know?

How much do you need? Try a sheep just once!

And you tell me it's as good with sheep as with women? What a joke.

[LAUGHING]

Yeah, you go ahead and laugh.

You're really a pig, you know that?

The pig here is you.

Everybody else here sleeps with sheep except you!

Everybody?

Everybody. Giovanni does it twice a day.

Angelo screws his sheep all night.

Matteo screws his sheep and old Pasqualino screws sheep, too.

Pietro and Bavoso fuck sheep, too.

Bugatti fucks sheep and you know he's married.

And Sandro screws his sheep and you know he's married, too!

What do those sheep have?

Why you say your stupid sheep are so good?

You try a sheep and find out if I am not right.

I won't hurt sheep. I would never want to hurt any sheep.

No, no, no... It's not for me, and I don't want any sheep of mine to be hurt.

No, those sheep are like my own sisters.

Well I'll tell you what! Try it with one of mine.

I got one who's...

Yeah?

You'll be the envy of the whole valley. I'm telling you, she's talented.

She's all yours. All you have to do is come over here.

I couldn't. No... No.

Her name's Beata!

I swear to you she'll love it more than you will.

No, no...

Why not? You take Beata and I'll take one of yours.

Ah, come on! You'll thank me for making you try it.

Stop playing hard to get.

Come on, come on!

What the hell, I'm only doing this because you're a good friend.

Treat her nice, okay? Be good to her!

[SHEEP BLEATING]

Beata?

Oh, Beata?

Are you Beata?

Are you Beata?

Beata?

[MOANING]

Ah, mamma mia! What are you doing?

It must be a dream!

[MOANING]

Good girl, Beata.

[IMITATING SHEEP BLEATING]

There now, I won't be rough with you, dear.

You really are the most beautiful sheep I've ever seen.

[BLEATING]

Stop that! I haven't even begun yet. I'll respect you.

We better forget it.

[WHISTLING]

CHIAVONE: Hey, Cacchione, what did I tell you?

Was it as good as I said? Wasn't I right?

A man should try everything once, Chiavone.

That's what I told you. Am I a friend or not, eh?

I'll never know how to thank you, Chiavone.

Your sheep wasn't half bad, believe me.

Too bad the poor thing can't speak or she'd tell you.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah, you can try it with her again one day.

[CACCHIONE WHISTLING]

How would you like some nice kidneys?

Tomorrow I'll bring us some.

[WHISTLING]

Oh! Are you ready? Let's go.

Come on, Beata is waiting, hurry!

And remember now, treat her nice. She loves you! Ah, be gentle!

[CHUCKLES]

[SHEEP BLEATING]

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[BOTH LAUGHING UNCONTROLLABLY]

[SCREAMING IN ANGUISH]

I promised my wife some nice kidneys, Chiavone.

Here are the kidneys I promised you.

[SINGING IN ITALIAN] ♪

WOMAN: Here. They're done!

No, none for me. You eat them, dear.

[SINGING IN ITALIAN]

Hey, Bernardino, tomorrow we're going to go meet our Maker. You know that?

Go screw yourself. You really are a God damn fool.

Is that all you have to think about?

Why spend our last day on Earth thinking of that?

Jesus, in all my days on Earth I've never thought of God.

Me neither!

MAMMONE: We were wrong not to.

Boy, I am starving!

MAMMONE: Me, too.

If they don't hang us pretty soon, we're both gonna starve to death

in here, those sons of bitches.

I'm even hungry enough to eat a plate of those kidneys.

[LAUGHS]

Let's hope that when we come up before Christ, he'll forgive us.

Ah, don't bet on it. He'll spit in our faces.

Hey, Mammone. I had this friend of mine once.

He was condemned to die, same as we are, but luckily escaped hanging.

They chopped off his head on a block instead.

The only dead man I'd ever seen till then.

Mamma mia, I was scared shitless. But when I saw his head,

would you believe I only laughed?

His name was Agostino. What a son of a bitch he was.

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

Come on, you sons of bitches stuff your faces.

[ALL LAUGHING]

[BURPING]

Sorry, Agostino, my stomach is full of gas.

Well, I always said that If a man wants to he could pass up eating a whole week.

Sorry, Agostino. I'm sure he didn't mean you.

[ALL LAUGHING MALICIOUSLY]

But, if you were down and out, broke...

Say you'd gone through everything your old man had left you.

Let's say you had one or two vices. Like you chase whores

and you can't stay away from gambling.

He don't work and doesn't know how to do anything anyway.

The poor guy's up to here in shit.

And he's over his head in debts, and his credit's no good.

His biggest question is how to keep on eating.

Fuck him! Sorry Agostino, that wasn't meant for you.

A little something for our four-legged friend.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Sorry, Agostino, it just wasn't meant for you.

God helps those who help themselves.

It took me a while, but I learned.

Lord, here is your prodigal son.

[CHURCH BELLS TOLLING]

Your table is taken.

[CLEARS THROAT]

I am gratified to observe such devotion to our church.

Thank you. Thank you.

Do you ply a trade?

No. My father bequeathed me a modest sum, padre. It was stolen by my uncles.

Ah. Robbed by your uncles? Are you forsooth penniless?

My daily bread is not easily gotten. I must make do. God's will be done.

With all it is not easy.

You are so right!

One can only obey God's will. Only trust in His wisdom.

I must seek salvation through God's love.

My trials are perhaps only God's way, padre.

I have an idea, my son.

I can find you a post in the home of a person of good character.

You would become his valet. The person you'd work for lives alone.

Are you interested?

Interested? I would accept though my poor talents could never justify your faith.

Then as of now, you're my valet. I do need someone, you see.

I think you'll do, my son. So as of now the job is yours.

Padre,you've opened the road to paradise

-if only my talents are of your needs. -Right, right, yes.

I'll obey your every desire.

-Rise, rise. -I'll be your slave.

Come my son. That's it. Now that's right.

[POPPING]

Agostino, I need advice.

I am troubled that that beautiful creature who attended church so regularly

hasn't shown up in two weeks.

That's true. I've noticed her absence.

What's the reason?

Ah, Don Leopoldo, you yourself are the reason.

You have so touched her heart that the poor creature is afraid to confess it.

A pity. She was something else, she was.

Padre,with your permission, tomorrow I'll bring you another. This one is only 16.

She's an orphan, she's ravishing.

Mm-hmm.

I know you can help this poor orphan, whose needs are purely spiritual.

Protect her from the hordes of young hooligans who are after her, day and night.

I will, poor Agostino.

We'll do what we can.

I will use all of my sacerdotal art to help the poor orphan.

The poor girl has a difficult time, as you can well imagine.

Poverty is no easy counselor. Especially for a young girl alone.

The cause is most worthy. I'm not without my possibilities, financially.

No fortune, 'tis true, but withal enough to satisfy a poor orphan.

Most generous padre, you'll become a saint yet!

[CHUCKLING]

[FESTIVE INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[EXCLAIMING]

Agostino, won't you help a poor destitute widow with four children?

Why are you asking this of me? What help can I be, suoraLuigia?

You know my daughter, the brunette, the one with the dark eyes and long legs,

who's a virgin as well.

Don't worry, suoraLuigia, she'll grow out of that.

And you've seen the chest on her.

Are you making me an offer, then?

No, I thought you might ask Don Leopoldo for a little charity.

I might, but I must see her. I'll make no blind recommendations.

Outside, children. Outside. Run out in the street and play.

Look at you, darling. Your hair is a mess.

Isn't she beautiful? Wasn't I telling the truth, young man?

You'll excuse me for a little while, while I see that the children

aren't getting in any trouble.

Children, children. How many times have I...

Show me these beautiful tits your mother is so proud of.

Hey, you pig, what do you think you're...

[SHUSHING]

You want to get your mother mad at you?

The piss of angels.

You vulgar devil. I only keep you on because you use your wits.

I'm most grateful.

Now what's new. Have you good tidings?

No, Your Grace. None.

What's this, "Your Grace"? You know I'm only a simple priest.

A bishop's ring is yours you've only to will it.

You're too ambitious for my own good.

I'm doing well enough here.

Apropos this, that money we owe to Luigia for her daughter, you paid it?

Of course. Of course.

Did she go away?

Yes, but she'll come back, don't worry.

A real beauty.

Would you like me to go and get her?

No, no, it's too far.

Nice of you to offer.

I don't suppose you turned up anything new in the parish?

No?

What do you mean, "new"?

New means that gorgeous thing that is employed by the shop

close to the Presbytery. You know, it's right around the corner.

The shoemaker's wife?

Then she's married?

AGOSTINO: Yes.

She's much too young for that.

They've only been married for 10 days.

I suppose she already has a confessor.

It's not sure, she's just come from her village.

Agostino, I'd like to meet her.

I'll speak to her.

But she is married.

The marriage is hardly consummated. It's barely valid.

It's not really an obstacle.

You don't think so?

She needs your help. They say that her husband's very jealous.

She needs guidance.

How appropriate!

[CHATTERING]

[PRIEST CHANTING IN ITALIAN] ♪

[ALL CHANTING] ♪

What did you find out? The whole story. Well go on, tell me then.

I've spoken to the shoemaker's wife.

[PRAYING IN LATIN]

She and her husband are like turtledoves, two love-birds.

However they...

However what?

It's just that the girl's parents had promised to pay a huge dowry.

Then after the marriage they refused and it was never paid.

Mm-hmm.

Well, they fight about it day and night.

So I told her you would pay well. She said, "You think that your money can buy me?"

So I said, "Aw?" then she said, "Ah!"

Anyway, I convinced her to come to you.

Huge dowry you say? That depends.

Two thousand scudis for the best piece of ass in all Rome!

Really? 2,000, eh? Does she have to have cash?

I don't know but when I talked about you she said you were very nice.

I'm very nice she said?

Yeah, very nice.

Then that means that she'll agree to come and see me?

On Thursday, her husband is leaving for the day.

She wants to come to confession here while he's gone.

Two thousand, though...

If you give the word, I'll go confirm it.

It's a deal, we'll chalk it up to charity.

[CHANTING IN ITALIAN] ♪

[HUMMING]

[CARRIAGE APPROACHING]

[BELLS JINGLING]

Oh, good evening. Do come in, please.

Don't be afraid, we are totally alone. No one will see you here.

Wouldn't you like to take all that off?

Ah, I understand, you're quite right.

[CHUCKLES]

[GROANS IN PAIN]

[COINS CLINKING]

[SOFT MANDOLIN MUSIC PLAYING]

Agostino?

Agostino?

[GROANING]

[BERNARDINO LAUGHING]

Hey, Mammone. Look at that sky full of stars.

I don't think they give a damn about us.

Poor Agostino.

[CHUCKLES] That bastard.

He made it big and then had only a few days to enjoy it,

because they caught him with the goods.

And overnight his hair had turned white as a pigeon's ass.

Poor Agostino.

[CARRIAGE ARRIVING]

[MONKS CHANTING]

Agostino, do you wish to confess your sins and ask God's forgiveness?

[CHANTING CONTINUES]

[HUMMING] ♪

[KEYS RATTLING]

Get up, Bernardino.

We're going to make you presentable before you go to face the good Lord.

Hey, Bernardino. I got one more story to tell you about God.

You want to hear it?

You're ready?

I'm all ears. Go ahead.

Let's hear it.

Okay, I'll give you the whole story.

But don't you let me go on if you don't think it's funny.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

[MOANING]

[TRUMPET MUSIC PLAYING]

The fellow's name was Peppe Bellomo.

He was really somebody at first. He had a big house of his own.

He bought and sold horses and livestock, that's good business.

He was really somebody.

[DOOR UNLOCKING]

MAN: All right, sonny, it's your turn now.

Hey, come on! Where's the rest? Tell me more!

Well, before they cut me off, I was going to say he went up to his ears in debt

because he wanted to please his wife.

He went broke on account of her.

He sold his horses for a song. He sold everything.

And still it wasn't enough so that the poor guy was really going through hell!

Margherita, I have gone as far as I can go.

I'm not able to do any more.

You are young and beautiful,

you'll have no trouble finding another man who can offer you more

than I can give you.

Will you stop that talk? What's wrong with you?

Without you I can't go on living. I can't go on like this either,

so I have decided to kill myself.

You're crazy.

Peppe, do you really think I could go on living without you?

I've no choice, Margherita.

I have no choice.

You know what's happened, so what's the use?

I have lost my manhood.

Very well, if you have decided to commit suicide, we'll die together.

What are you talking about?

You have to live. You have everything to live for.

But I am not afraid to kill myself if that's what you think.

You just tell me how, and I'll do it.

You're sure?

I'll do anything you say, I said I would die for you and much more.

You know how much I love you!

What would you do to prove it?

If you look at me, it's embarrassing to say.

You'll make me feel too shy.

Now, finish what you were saying. What would you do to prove it?

First, promise me that if you don't like what I'm going to say,

you do whatever you want with me, you can even kill me.

All right. Say it.

There are those who'd give us money if I would give them something.

If you don't want to we'll die tomorrow.

But not tonight.

We'll make love tonight. Tomorrow's another day.

Who is he?

What's his name?

Celestino Paoletti.

The butcher?

-Yes. -That dirty old baboon.

What difference does it make to you?

Come on, I'm waiting.

All right, we will do it, Margherita. After all, why not?

That's good.

He's rich enough for all three of us. Everything will be fine.

I'll have to pretend I don't know.

No, on the contrary. He wants you to agree to it.

What does he want, a contract?

He wants to know you'll do it. You see he's afraid of you.

He's right.

If I'd found you both in bed, I would've killed you and you know it.

I hope you would.

MAMMONE: Love, love, love!

It's all a game.

God gave the egg to the hen and the spurs to the cock...

He gave long hair to women and made men crazy enough to think they'd be faithful.

Hey, Mammone. They're in one goddamn rush, aren't they?

Here comes the padrenow.

My son, let us prepare you for the long voyage which will

lead you into the presence of God.

Celestino Paoletti was an old man of nearly 60.

And I must say, he managed pretty well, considering his age.

He ate well, he drank well and he liked the rest, too.

So, anyway. They moved in with him, and it was all one happy family.

And they didn't give a damn about what people said.

[SPEAKING LATIN]

[TRUMPET MUSIC PLAYING]

PEPPE: Hey, old man, how you sleeping these nights?

You dreaming pleasant dreams?

You two bastards, humping the same wife.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[MAN SINGING IN ITALIAN] ♪

[GLASSES CLINKING]

Here's to you. Here's to us all.

BOTH: Here's to you!

"A true gentleman knows how to look the other way."

"Anyone who lives without honor will die without knowing shame."

"Talking of death can spoil a good meal."

[ALL LAUGHING]

[MONKS CHANTING]

Who would have thought this could happen to us?

Mammone, it really makes me sad that it's happening to you.

MAMMONE: So, anyway, Peppe would screw his wife now and then, but he

didn't have his heart in it like before.

So he practically stopped screwing her?

Well, no. What I mean is there was no pep in Peppe's screwing.

So Margherita, she knows it and she says,

"What's wrong? You're not putting your heart into this, Peppe."

So she got herself another guy.

Right, a young buck, hung like nothing you ever saw.

Talk about a stallion. I would show you if my hands weren't tied like this.

The bastards had to do it.

[SINGING IN ITALIAN] ♪

Got something on his mind.

You bet he has!

[MONKS CHANTING]

Say, I bet I can tell you how it finishes.

Not in 1,000 years.

You have no way of figuring out what the end of my story is gonna be.

What do you want to bet, you bastard? You name it.

[EXCLAIMS]

PEPPE: Good morning, Celestino.

Getting some fresh air?

I was waiting to talk to you.

If you'd like, we'll go upstairs and talk as much as you please.

No, not upstairs.

What we're going to talk about must be only between us.

It's nothing we would want a woman to hear. Have you eaten?

No.

Then suppose we have some food down at the inn.

All right.

[MAN SINGING IN ITALIAN] ♪

Hey, suoraMemma, you got something for us to eat?

What would you like? I'll fix whatever you like.

Fix us whatever you like.

To your health!

To yours!

To us.

Hey, suoraMemma, how about a little of that food?

You know, we had better hurry, or Margherita'll wonder where we are.

She might ask.

That's right, she might. That's well said.

Huh? What do you mean? Might as well said?

I mean that she won't ask. She's not lonely, so why should she ask where we are?

What do you mean?

I wouldn't accuse lightly if I were you. Perhaps a slip of the lip, Celestino?

No, it's not my habit to accuse unless I'm convinced.

You'd put your head upon the block that Margherita's been cheating on us?

I want to thank you for telling me.

It was my duty!

Now, what's the next move?

You must first catch the two of them in the act.

Where, though?

Follow me.

Hey, suoraMemma!

One night I heard a noise in her room.

I thought it was you coming home early. I knocked on the door, but no one answered.

So I peeked inside, and I saw a young fellow sneaking out the window.

He was carrying half his clothes. They must've figured I was watching,

so the next night they set up a meeting somewhere else.

What a dirty trick!

If you need my help, call on me.

Thank you.

From this day on I'm your true brother. That means for life and for death.

Brothers for life and for death!

Oh, shit!

Little bastard! If I'd only been in your shoes

when you saw that kid in our room, I would've murdered them both,

like a pair of dogs.

Why kill her, too? He's the only one you should kill.

And not her? The bitch!

What? And break up our little family?

There's the meeting place!

[MONKS CHANTING]

So, the next morning, following old Celo's advice to the letter,

Peppe Bellomo pretended to leave town.

He said that he had to buy a stud at the horse fair that day.

And as soon as he was gone, his slut ran off to the meadow.

[CHUCKLES]

Mammone, for Christ's sake, they mean it.

The sons of bitches are really gonna do it!

"The summer breeze caressed her hair.

"The wind carried the soft perfume of the meadow.

"The only sound was that of silence that lets

"you hear the distant voices in the streets."

"And the chattering and singing of glad-hearted people who know

"the joys of living. Of life under blue skies. Yeah."

You're ready, yeah?

Yeah, I'm ready.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

[SNAPPING]

Hey, what the hell's going on, huh?

Oh, nothing, don't stop.

[SCREAMING]

[GASPING]

[MONKS CHANTING]

It drove her mad. Finally they put her in the madhouse, but within a few days she died,

so it didn't matter.

[CHUCKLING]

And the two "brothers," well, they were tried and condemned to be hung

the same as you and I are going to hang.

Bastard, I told you how it would end. I was right. Fuck you.

Oh, you idiot! But it's not the end! Will you let me finish?

Then tell me quick!

[PLAYING A TUNE]

Celestino, I'm going to ask you a question. Would you rather remain up here,

or would you rather live again down on the Earth?

Please, Good Lord, I'd rather stay in Heaven with You.

[WHISPERING] Send him to Hell.

And you, Peppe?

Yes, please, may I too stay at Your side in Heaven, Good Lord?

[WHISPERING] Send him to Hell.

GOD: And you, Margherita?

I want to stay here too, Dear Lord.

Thy kingdom is here, I ask only to stay here with You.

[WHISPERING] Send her to Hell.

And you, Piuccio?

I would like to see the people of our good old Earth once again.

Let me return until I've drunk my fill, eh?

Mm-hmm...

Forgive me, Dear Lord

I know am not saying what I should as a Christian,

I go to church and worship the Lord.

But just permit me the time to eat, and to drink and to be merry.

I'd like to enjoy the wine, and women, and, you know...

[WHISPERING] Send him to paradise.

[BOTH LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY]

[WHIMSICAL INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]