All language subtitles for Tot+-, Peppino e la. Malafemmina (1956).Eng

Tot�, Peppino and the Evilwoman

English subtitles by Edam17@KG
October 2012

based on subtitles by Simone
revised by Claudio

# A liar woman has left me... #

You always stick your head out!

Did I hurt you?

Mind your health!

Health, what health?

Here it is:
Halfhead Farm.

Even the name sucks!

I don't like him either,
but I don't know why we must hate him.

You never understand anything.
Halfhead is our neighbour, right?

His field borders on ours, right?
So I don't like him.

All neighbours are
unpleasant and hideous.

Check if he's at the window.

No.

Be quick.

Who was that?
- Don't ask.

Same old story. Those two are
the Bigheads brothers. If I catch them...

He heard you, he heard you!

"Property Bigheads Bros. & Nephew"

Good morning, Peppino.
Good morning, Tot�.

Of course! You put your feet
under the wheel! - Damn it!

You didn't come yesterday!
- I couldn't, my wife was sick.

No, you mustn't be late,
or I'll change metayer. - No, why?

So, you owe me 60, beans and peas,
and 40 from the old bill. - That's 100.

That makes a round 100, net weight.

Net weight: here are missing 10,000.

Sorry, were in this other department.

I thought so! - Now, excuse me,
you owe me 12,000 lire. - Yes!

The 12,000 I paid to the vet for
the cow's birth. - Yes, yes, I remember.

The cow died and so the two veals.
I've... I've said it all.

Hold it! The 12,000, Peppino!
- He's said it all, you can forget them.

How, forget them?
- Say Nicola, what do you owe me?

Nil. I paid you in advance, what else?

Ok, but we have the current year,
pay me this in advance.

Don Antonio,
I already paid you '56, '57 and '58!

But '59 is uncovered.
- You joke, but I'm not in the mood.

Hello, Don Antonio,
did you bring me a present?

Of course, turn around.

Close your eyes.

Open your eyes.

Oh, beautiful! -You like?
- Thanks, Don Antonio -You're welcome.

See you later, eh? Bye!

Get ready. - It's 27,000 lire.
- It's 27,000 lire. Plus...

Plus... plus..
Give.

Anto' ! - I was counting them!
- I count them myself.

So, there would be those hay bales
next week...

So we're even...
and with you, as well.

Madam?

Ma'am?

Oh, you're here at last!
I've been waiting for you for two hours!

And without linen
I can't close the suitcase.

What you're looking at?
- Nothing, I was looking for you.

I know who you're looking for!

But you, my son, Mr. Gianni,
you must forget him.

You and all the girls around, huh?

Let's go!
- Madam, I'm a serious girl!

Maybe you are...

but you iron very badly!

Look at this... Is this ironed?

Well ironed?

My girl...

With this white coat
my son has to graduate

in front of
the greatest scientists of the world!

Alright!
I'll take care of it.

Let's go upstairs, hurry up,
it's late.

Gianni has to leave for Naples.
Come on! Come on!

Where are my brothers?

They'll make him lose his train.

They're outside.
- Good! Doing what?

You look like a National Bank cashier.
You count. But what d'ya count?

Beast! Spend your money! Have fun!

Life is short!
Death can come any time! Do as I do!

One can also live 100 years.

And so?
- I've said it all, I've said.

By the way...

Oh, sorry.
- By the way...

You owe me 40,000 lire.

For that oil batch of last month.

Oh! That batch? That's a closed match!
- No, to me is open!

Hurry up, come on, hurry.
- You in a hurry?

You just said one can live 100 years!

But one may also die now!
C'mon, go, hurry up.

Hurry up...easier said...
It depends on you.

Why, you're going to America?
- No, I mean..

these ones, you keep in your pocket?

I put them aside.
- In the usual place...

I put them aside.

When one has found a safe place,
it's no use to change it. - So, go!

Put them in the usual place.
- I put them aside.

I recommend you as a friend.
And as a brother.

And I recommend you to go, now!

You put them there, huh?

I put them aside.
Ouch! - Huh?

Just go!
- I'm going.

Don't change place, huh?
Don't change place!

Go!

Stingy yokel !

Dear brother,..

here are your 40,000 lire.

Oh, very well!

One is missing.

How's that?
- One is missing. Here they are.

A bit of distraction.
- It happens.

I owe you nothing more.
- We're even. - We're even.

The batch...
- The batch is settled.

Now, I'd need a favour. - What?
- We have to start a new entry.

You have to lend me 80,000 lire.

80,000, no.

I can lend you these 40,000 lire.

Here they are.

Distraction.
- It happens. - Here.

Listen...
- So you still owe me 40,000, huh?

Why?

I gave them to you before, right?

I gave you 40,000,
the score is settled.

Then I asked you 80,000,
but you could only lend me 40.

How many thousands are missing
to get to 80? - 40.

Then you owe me 40,000 lire.

That clear? Math is not an opinion.
Dear brother,..

For accounting, you need an accountant.
You're ignorant!

I'd like to know what you do with
all this money. You need tons of money!

I'm not like you. I'm a man who lives.
And knows how to live.

Modestly, I dress smart.

Girls, some fun, gifts, a necklace...
- Yeah, girls!

Those dogs, he calls them girls...

One day you'll end up there,
I'm telling you.

What you mean?
- I've said it all.

What? What, you've said?

You see, for example, you stingy man,..

of these 40,000 you just lend me,
20,000..

are a present to our nephew. Got it?
- Bad idea. - Why?

Very bad. He's young, you spoil him.
- Spoil him? - Look at me!

I give him healthy things.

A nice caciotta, and he's okay.

So he's in Naples, in the city,..

goes to theatre with a girl,
and pays two seats..

with a slice of caciotta!
Peppino!

Oh, here they are! They're here.

Antonio!
Peppino!

Gianni is ready!
Hurry up! The train won't wait for you!

Relax mom, it's early.
- Early...what time is it?

What time is it? Right away.

Mine is slow.
- And mine is fast.

What time is yours?
- 5.15 p.m.

Mine is 4.45 p.m. - Wanna meet halfway?
- Then it's 5.

There's still an hour.

My dear son, remember, study!

Honour your father's memory!

He so much wished that
you'd become a great doctor.

Don't worry, mom, it's gonna be alright.

Goodbye, doctor.
- I'm no doctor, yet.

You'll be, you'll be.

With your...I've said it all.

You said what? - I know, what.

Bye Mariangela.

In the haste I was forgetting the wine.
Antonio, Gianni's bag! - Coming!

I'll do it. - No, you must study.
There's uncle Antonio and uncle Peppino.

Uncle Antonio and uncle Peppino.
- That's us! The bottle.

Did you hear? Uncle Antonio and Peppino.
- That's us.

The boy must study!
Take this!

Be careful!
- Slow down!

# A liar woman left me...

Did I hurt you?

You always stick your head out!
Mind your health.

Check out, is he at the window?

No.
- Here.

Hold this.
- What is it?

What's he doing?
- Nothing. He threw a stone.

Halfhead, we don't like. So, everytime
we buzz around, we throw him stones.

You haven't become kids, do you?
- What kids!

And then, it's him
who throws stones, not me.

Write!
- Write.

Write!

Don't shoot. You're crazy!
- Let me do it, let me do it.

You laugh?
He could have hit us!

Possibly you, not me!

And what have I to do?
You threw the stone!

You bored?
- Not bad, thanks.

I see, and you know why?

There's too much crowd, too much light.
And then,

we're not alone, you and I.

I've waited for 30 centuries.

But I'm in Naples since a month.
- Exactly, a century a day.

Listen, let's sneak out English-style.

Come to my place.
- You sure I'd enjoy myself more?

I'm the best partner.
- Sure, you're a nobleman, you're rich

haughty...
- Yes, indeed!

Very haughty.

Hey, you two,..

you really decided to go steady?

I'll wait you in 5 minutes.

It's my turn, now.
- As you wish.

So much crowd on this terrace!
- But you invited them!

Yes, that's true.
And now I can't throw them below.

But I have a bottle of champagne
for us two on the other balcony.

Shall we drink it, you and me alone,
under the moonlight?

And...

then?
- Well,..

let's not anticipate the events!
- Right,..

let's not anticipate them.

Remo! You're a very bad host.

Everyone's thirsty.
Why don't you take care of your guests?

Gabriella, you're so boring!

Well, what's up?
- I got bored. I want to go away.

What's wrong with you?

All these ruddy hands over me...
- Dear, try to be rational.

Gabriella... I dance
samba only with you.

# Stay near to me, #

# one more night, #

# you can never know, #

# how dear you are. #

# Caress me,
as the sky caresses the moon, #

# caress me,
as the sea caresses the sand, #

# make me sleep. #

Good evening. - Good evening.
I'm sorry, I didn't know that...

But, where are you coming from?
- Would you let me go through this room?

Of course not, come in.

Thank you.

But, then, you're a real woman.
- Very real, why?

I saw you appear over there,
and I thought...

if I touch her, she disappears.
- I will, if you show me the way.

If I'm not disturbing.
- Not at all. - But you were playing.

Musician?
- No, I study Medicine, my last year.

Oh, really?

I wouldn't let you cure me a fingernail.
- Why?

You sing too well to be a good doctor.

Well? Will you escort me out? - Gladly.
But tell me, what do you do at night?

You walk over the roofs?
Where do you come from?

From a party that didn't interest me more.
- Runaway? - Yes.

Then everybody will be looking for you.
- You know how it is...

This way? - I wish!
Yes, you can go out through here as well.

But it's better to go through there.

Can you wait a moment?

Do you need something, Mr.Gianni?
- But, don't you sleep?

I've been trying for the last two hours.

A molar tooth.
- Did you take a sleeping pill? - Yes.

Have to take another.
- But, won't it hurt me?

No, don't worry, open your mouth.

There, like that. A bit of water...

Very well. And now, take a rest,
I switch off the light.

Thank you. -Goodnight.
- Thank you.

Excuse me, do you mind
waiting a moment before going? - Why?

See, this is not my house,
I come from a small town.

I'm on boarding here,
by my uncles' acquaintances.

They're a very moralist family.

And... I can not receive visitors.

Did I compromise the young doctor?
- Oh no, you can go if you wish,..

but grandpa is still awake, and we
have to pass through there to get out.

I'm saying this for you, as well.
- Alright.

Let's wait.

Now you're thinking about
this peasant from the countryside..

and lives here poorly
and with no freedom.

I too come from the countryside.
But,

who knows,
maybe I've had too much, of freedom.

Are those your uncles?
- Yes, they are extraordinary guys.

Uncle Peppino,
seated is Uncle Antonio,..

and their nephew, Gianni.
- Marisa.

Then we must drink to our meeting.

Passito. Special care of uncle Antonio.

No, thanks. I already
drank too much on an empty stomach.

I'd like to toast to Uncle Antonio,
but I should eat something first.

In this case...

Caciotta!

Caciotta? Wonderful!

I'm not able to understand
what kind of woman you are.

Really? Is it so hard?

Let's see, what could I be? A student?

No, you're too refined.

A girl from high class?

You haven't said a swear word, yet.

A model?

You would care more about your dress.

An actress.

I don't think so.
You'd be showing off.

A bad girl?
- No. You wouldn't even mention it.

Oh,
then it means that I'm nothing, nobody.

No, indeed. Everything.

A complete woman.
You like it?

Being a complete woman?
- No, the Caciotta.

It's delicious. - Uncle Peppino
would be proud of your judgement.

Uncle Antonio, Uncle Peppino...
- And Gianni.

And which is Gianni's speciality?

Well, if you want...
- My health is perfect.

Your heart, too?
- Unfortunately, yes.

No, put away that instrument,
I like more this one.

Or will wake up all the family?
- No, they're used to.

Who else is there, besides grandpa?

Mrs. Tina, the Cavalier her husband,
and their daughter Giulietta.

13-year-old, and cross-eyed.

In love with you, of course.
- Who can guess?

When she looks at me,
she stares at the radiator.

Come on.

# A voice, a guitar and a bit of moon, #

# what do you need more
to play a serenade? #

# to whisper of love, softly, #

# sweet words, for your beloved. #

# I love you, so much, so much, #

# I can't live anymore far from you. #

# A voice, a guitar and a bit of moon, #

# how sweet this serenade is. #

# Your mouth comes nearer, #

# and you hold me more passionately. #

# With a guitar, and a thin voice, #

# close to you I sing, and I am happy, #

# my love, #

# I can't forget you anymore. #

# My love, #

# I can't forget you anymore. #

You promised me to lead me to the door.

Would you keep your promise?

Alright.

Go and check if I can go away.

Mr. Gianni!
- What's up? Oh, it's you.

You sang beautifully tonight!

Thank you, but now go to sleep.
- What a beautiful voice!

Ok, ok, but go to sleep. Goodnight.
- Goodnight.

What is better than a beautiful memory?

One, two, three, four...

Keep on going, giris.

Good morning.
- Good morning.

Good morning.
- Hi!

What did you do last night?
They looked for you everywhere.

Can I know where you sneaked?

Good morning, miss. - Good morning.
We're ready, we can start if you want.

Alright, I get changed and I come.
- Ok, come on, giris!

I met a young guy.

Handsome and irresistible.

Nice, very nice.
- Rich?

Very rich.

He owned a whole caciotta.

A Medicine student. - Please, Marisa,
don't get on my nerves.

Relax, I won't see him again.
- Well, better so.

Really better so.

Otherwise...
Who knows?

So, when I came back,
she wasn't there anymore.

A nice dream.

Shall we use it to play the lottery?

Two coffees.

Hey, Raffaele, look at this.

You call this a dream?

So we have the evidence of the dream.

What do you think?
- What I think...

I see there the typical features
of the disturber agent of a young heart.

Raffaele, I must find
this girl at any cost.

Let's put an ad on the paper!
- OK.

"Wanted...
Gotta find!"

"Your son,

rather than studying,

gets lost with women

of ill repute.
A friend."

Oh mamma mia, what a tragedy!

What do we do now? What do we do?

Peppino!
Antonio!

Madam, they're out!
- Where did they go?

Down in the field.
- Go get them, hurry! Run!

What a tragedy!

Huh?
Look what a beauty.

And, how much?

2 and a half millions.

Who gave you the money? - Never mind.
- How's 'Never mind'? - Never mind.

What 'Never mind'?

Wanna waste time? - Let's waste it.
I wanna know who gave you the money.

I sold three pairs of oxen. Ok?

What oxen?
- None of your business.

No, they're my business,
I think they are. Which oxen?

Yours.
- There!

Hands off!
- Hold it!

Stand still, we're brothers, understand?
- And I'm the elder!

And you sold the oxen to buy this tank?!
- As they say, wives and oxen of your land.

You call this a tank?

This is a... a jewel of mechanics!

But tell me, it's only I who dislikes
Halfhead, or you dislike him, too?

I dislike him, but I liked my oxen.

But what does all this mean?

It means that when
Halfhead sees our tractor,

will burst from envy.
- Yes, and meanwhile the beasts are gone.

And you mope?

There's still you!
Yokel!

But I speak to you of civilization...

This is civilization, it's progress!

You're an animal.
Look what a magnificence!

Don't touch!
What a magnificence!

What're you doing?

It mean "Ah! Look at the mosquito net!"

To keep mosquitos out of the dashboard.

What? - Dashboard.

But then,
what do you know, you, about mechanics!

This is the mechanical
motion-making apparatus. Get it?

Thus, is the engine.
- The engine.

Here goes the gas.

This is the carb... the bcarb...
- Bicarbonate? - Yes, the bicarbonate!

It runs on bicarbonate?!
- What bicarbonate! -The fuel!

The fuel for the ca-ca-carburetor.

And what is this?
- This is the compass.

With it we can go
North, South, South-West, Middle-East.

Where you want.
- But you drive it?

I don't, but it means nothing.

Why, it means nothing? - Because
it's all written. See, the inscription.

How to use it.

So...

Ah!
Easier said...

Why? - It comes from Milano.
It's written in Milanese.

Let's call Halfhead.
- Right him!

He says he's been in Milan. - Nevermore!
Get on! - No, you get on! - Get on!

My poor beasts...

Wait, it's so narrow here.
- Get thinner.

It's narrow!
- You have one leg too many. Take it off.

Wait. - Don't give me your shoe.
Where you putting that foot?

It's narrow!

Yeah, now we make widen it!
We'll put it in the shape!

Don't move.

Peppino! - Don't move!
- Antonio!

Hold on...
Who is it?

Don Peppino, come home!
Donna Lucia needs to talk to you!

Later, later.

Alright...

Hold on tight.

Lean on the left!

To starboard!

Help!

Whole to starboard!

Be still.

Reverse!

Help!

What happened?
Have you dressed up as Indians?

Is this a time for playing?

At your age.

Indians? What Indians?
It's a miracle we're alive.

A miracle? Why, what happened?
- His fault.

He insisted to drive the tractor,
this animal. - Me?

You can only drive pigs.
Since you are their facsimile.

What happened, you got hurt?
- No, trifles.

You sent for us, what happened?

Read, read this letter that arrived.

A million!

They must give me at least a million!
- Who's that?

Come in!
- Hello Mrs. Lucia.

Calm down, what's going on?

Calm down... easy to say.
With what they did to me!

Your respectable brothers...

Where are they?
- They're here. - Where?

Oh, there they are!

You did break your head!

You deserve it.
In short, what happened?

What happened...
an earthquake, the H bomb.

These gentlemen played with the tractor,

and they smashed down my wall!

Let's be precise.

We're serious persons,
we don't play with tractors.

If this mishap occured,
it occured, it happened, because

this wretch of my brother,

inept at driving, wanted to touch
a gear and the bang happened.

Anyway, what's our fault if the wall
could not stand the clash? Huh?

It's a rotten wall.

The wall wasn't rotten, it was sturdy.

Anyway, rotten or not,
you have to pay for it.

Alright, who did the damage will pay.

We pay, we pay, what's all this?

The Bigheads brothers have always paid,
got it?

How much is the dam...?

How much is the dam...?

How much is..
Will you let me speak?

So, speak! - I'm the elder!
How much is the damage?

One million.
You have to give me one million.

A million? Give it to him.
Get this Half-head out of my sight.

You kidding? A million to Halfhead?
Then...

For a whole head? A billion? He's right!
- ...for a whole house? Don't overdo it!

Are we joking? - What's this?
The black market of walls? - Alright!

Then, if it isn't a million,
let's hear, how much would you give me?

You, rather, make us a request, but
a honest one, a proper one. Let's hear!

A request?
- Say, say, say!

OK, then I'd say...

What "I'd say"? Where are we at?

But really! But it is a golden wall?
But, we are silly?

But, it's written "morons" here?
- But, who said morons! I haven't spoken!

We are overdoing!
- You've said too much. - It's overdone!

Look, you asked me to make
a proper request. - And you made it?

No, I was going to. - And you didn't?
- Not yet. - So, why don't you make it?

So, let's make...
- But what "let's make"!

Walk. Walk!

Folks, you have to understand
that the wall has to be paid for.

We want to pay, we've always paid.
Take this out of my sight.

If a million isn't okay,
we can always come to an agreement.

I do the speaking. Okay?

Is it okay this way then? Okay?
- Okay what?

What? I mean,
is it okay that I speak? - OK, say.

It's not your word, not mine,
not my brother's, not my sister's,

200,000 and we're even!

200,000 lire? Are we joking?

200... This is a matter of 50,000,
but, with sweat! - What?!

50,000? Are you fool?
- What are we paying for?

Come on, come on, come on!

Deal done!

50,000 lire, and we are even!

It was a mishap, after all!
- It was a mishap! - A mishap!

No, the mishap is only mine!

50,000, we make 25,000 each, okay?

Pay you in advance the 50,000.
- I...

I don't... have small change right now.

You pay him. - Do I pay? -Yes.
- But you, don't move from here. - OK.

You stay here? - I stay here.
But what if I move? - Then, you pay.

I pay. I go.
- So,...

I really don't understand my brother.
He's so ignorant!

No, I don't understand both of you!

There you go!

Mr. Halfhead, here are your 50,000 lire!

Remember, you owe me 75,000 lire,
I say it before witnesses.

How's that? - I gave 50 to Mr. Halfhead.
Plus you already owed me your share of 25.

Well, okay, but you owe 40,000...
- That's a closed balance now!

Closed? No, it's open!

Ma'am, let's be clear.
I take these 50,000 only as a prepayment.

When the wall is done, we discuss again.
- Alright, anything can be settled!

Goodbye.
- Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.

Hey, you owe me... - Peppino! Peppino!
With these accounts you are...

nagging!
You're mortifying! You're a bore!

He's right, you're a drag and a nag!

Let's talk about more serious things.
- Listen to

this letter I received from Naples.
Listen to what it says...

"Your son, rather than studying,

gets lost with women of ill repute."
- Hey!

"A friend."

A friend of yours. - Of mine?
- It says "a friend".

Cause it's without signature.
- Oh, it is homonymous!

You spoiled him.
You, you spoiled this boy.

And what do we do now?
-What? Poor boy, we send him some money.

So, instead of a bad deal with a woman,
he'll have a good deal of women!

No, you're really sick here...

He's really lost his brains!

What we do, then?

We must recall him.

Yes, I've always said, only
the military gives an iron discipline.

No... recall him to order
and to sense of family.

Good! But how?
- Let's write him.

Yes.
- Let's send him a telegram.

And what do we tell him?
- Let's think about it.

We should...

We'd need...

We could...

But, what's that? - I'm thinking!
- Think well!

"Careful: uncles are watching you."

What you make out of this?

Maybe they knew you became a Don Juan.
- Yeah, Don Juan...

Well, at your house, you host
blonde, mysterious women,

while, with my villa and all,
I lack the raw material!

The only person I meet
is myself in the mirror, in underwear.

I'm so shocking!

Tell me, your parents,

when do they come back?

Why?

Well, because,
should we retrace her, you could...

lend me the house.

Of course,

it's a matter of price, you know.

Gianni, why don't you tell me
of that girl from the roof?

Meanwhile, I go away.

Go ahead and tease me!

I know, she's become an obsession,
but until I find her, I...

So I mean nothing, to you?

How stupid you are.

With all the girls walking on the road,

you fall in love with one
who walks on the roofs.

Who the hell may she be?

A student?
- A student.

No.
- No, not a student.

Or a mannequin.
- There! OK, a mannequin? - No. - No.

A cat, a chimneypot?

No, a girl of good stock...
- On the roofs?

Yeah, on the roofs.

Then, an actress.
- Right, an actress.

Yes, yes, she may be.

My granny?

Indeed, she is an actress! It's her!
It's her, I assure you! My word, it's her!

Is this here?
- Yes!

# You will dream of me, #

# I will dream of you. #

# And in the dream thousands stars
will shine up in the sky, #

# if you'll look at me, #

# and then you'll kiss me. #

# I will dream of you. #

# You will dream of me. #

She's talented, huh?

She is, she is...

And the mother,
how much talent she's had!

# And we will live
the most splendid reality. #

# And we will live the most splendid #

# reality! #

Brava!

Come on, run home and prepare everything.
- I think you're deluding yourself.

So you don't wanna lend me your house.

No, I just don't want you
to waste it for chattering.

Don't worry. Leave the key at the gate
and go to sleep at my guest-house.

Great night ahead of me!

Tomorrow I'll query you in anatomy, huh!

Brava! - Extraordinary!

Finally! How beautiful you are!

Tonight you're more attractive than ever.
- Really? - Sure.

Nothing for me? - Dear, you too here!
Welcome back! Did you like the show?

Actually, I like you.
Tonight you dine with me, right?

Excuse me, didn't we agree that...

No, no, I come first! - First?
- Calm down, cause I'm very busy tonight.

Right. Tonight we have a diplomatic
dinner with an impresario from Milan.

Oh yes, I forgot about it. You must
excuse me but I really cannot come.

Marisa, but we make a bad impression!
- Who, me? You will!

As a manager, one more, one less...

Funny! - But what shall I tell him?
- Whatever you want.

And now all out,
I have to change and I'm in a hurry.

My baby is always in a hurry!
It can't be!

Maria,

help me, I have a date
and don't want to be late.

"What is better than a beautiful memory?

A pizza together tonight."

This was the best week in my life.

But doesn't end here.
You know I come to Milan with you? - No!

Oh Gianni, what a joy!

It's wonderful!
But your studies, the university?

I'll bring my books to Milan, I'll study,
and I'll give the exams at Naples.

Another thing, Gianni,

I'm not a very practical girl, but I
don't think you're rich. How will you do?

The rent of this beautiful home
must have cost you a lot.

No, it was a deal with a friend.

Here I am, I'm here...

Who's that guy on the boat?

Passes every day and looks up.
Seems to spy on us.

No, it's one of those sea wanderers.

Poor soul!

Let's give him something.
- Yes, if you wish.

Oh, here we are.
The daily phone call from Gabriella.

Excuse me, honey.

Hey!

Hallo?

Yes, Gabriella, it's me.

I'm fine, very fine.

Of course it's still going on!

Listen,
wouldn't you all mind your own business?

I come to theatre? I do my duty? Yes.
So then, don't bother me!

Yes, yes, you can tell the manager, too.

Damn to when I gave you that key!

Shall I get to my house by sea?

Aw, cut it out!

Next Monday I'm off.
- Good! Where do you go?

To Milan with her.

To Milan? And who gives you the money?

I met a friend, indeed, an enemy
of the family. He lent me 300,000.

Lucky you!
You brought me the underwear?

Yes, here it is.

Catch it!

130, 140,... 150.

Here you are. This is my share,
the rest is my brother's.

Well! - Here it is!
- Here it is!

These are my 150,000.
- Well.

Plus 150 it's 300. Here's the bill.

What a shame, what a shame!

Shame... why do you complain?
I've always said that he's a... a...

What, you've said?
- I've said it all. - Always says it all.

When you say "I've said it all",
you annoy me!

You say a lot but you never say anything.
- Never anything? This is "anything"?

You call this anything?
- Stop that! Get up, let me sit.

Listen, Halfhead,
where did you see my son?

Madam, I've told you,
I've seen him in Naples.

It happened by chance.

One night I walked along Via Caracciolo,
when I heard calling me.

I turned around and it was your son.

He came out of an luxury
restaurant with a beautiful girl.

I got closer and he introduced her.

"Halfhead, allow me,
this is my fianc�e".

Fianc�e?
- Yes, fianc�e.

We went to have a coffee,

and then, at some time,
he called me aside

and asked me on loan 300,000 lire.

And what could I do?
Could I refuse them to him? No!

I know you since a long time,

and I know you as honest people.

Oh, sorry.
- No problem.

In short, I had to lend them to him.

Of course, as a guarantee,
I demanded him an IOU.

Listen, I go to Naples.
- But where... -I go.

But where do you wanna go?
You think Naples is around the corner?

What going to Naples? You think that...
And I've said it all.

And then, lady, no use going to Naples.
Why?

Because, because...
there is no one in Naples.

It was evacuated?
- Was it emptied? - No.

That's not what I meant. I meant that
your nephew is no longer in Naples.

Because he followed the caravel
of lost women. - What?

At Naples, women lost their caramels.

No! What did you understand?

"The caravel of lost women" is a revue.

Got it? The lost women, in Naples,
pass in review...

In Naples women lost their caramels
while passing in review!

For God's sake, but you say?
You don't get it!

Halfhead, you must be objective with us.

These phrases under 'semaphore'
do not convince us. Let's be clear!

Clearer than th... - Clear! - Yes, but...
- Who lost these caramels?

But nobody lost the caramels!

Lady... - Let me understand.
- "The caravel" is a revue,

and Gianni's girlfriend is a singer.

And as to that...

Pardon my saying so, this girlfriend

is a beautiful girl!

Tall, blonde, buxom!

Has some legs!
- And how could you see the legs?

I? Only I? Half Naples has seen them,
ma'am! - The legs?

On stage, of course. One pays the ticket,
sits in a chair and sees the legs.

Oh my God!

What's that? Legs on payment?
- Calm down.

No, here we must be objective.

Poor son!
- Calm down, Mrs. Lucia.

Listen, Halfhead, you said they left.

And where are they?
- In Milan.

Then, let's go to Milan, now.
- Are you crazy? - Why?

You go to Milan as if nothing?

To go to Milan it takes at least
four days at sea.

At sea?

If enough!
Then...well, I've...

He's said it all!
- But what are you saying? Please!

What sea?
To Milan, you go by land!

On foot?
- On foot..! - But, Halfhead!

But you, where are you living?
- On foot! - Easier said...

You know where it is, Milan.
- In Calabria! Sorry, in Sardinia.

What Calabria, Sardinia! Milan,
the capital of the North. - We know!

Pretend that this is the boot:
above is the north, and below, the south.

Of course! We're the ones
under the boot: the Southerners.

North or South, by land or by sea,
I said I'd go to Milan and I will!

If you come too, fine, else I'll go alone!
My son must study!

My son must absolutely leave that woman,
understand?

Blessed... blessed ...
- Peppino...

Peppino, we need to escort her to Milan.
Our sister can not go alone.

Ok, let's go with her.

Rather, we need someone to 'upday' us.
Going to Milan is not a simple thing.

Someone!?

What am I doing here, then?
Everybody calls me "the Milanese".

Halfhead, let's be clear:
You've really been to Milan?

You bet!
I've been there as military, in '31.

Cavalry.
- I mean, Halfhead,

the Milaneses, when they saw you,
what did they say?

What?
- I mean, when you went walking...

So?
- You know, this strange type.

But for goodness sake!
Who would notice me, in Milan?

You have no idea what it is Milan.

They talk, they talk, huh?
- They talk?

But Milan is a great city!
- They walk, like us...

They walk? There's a huge traffic!

In fact, you must be careful.
Crossing the street is very dangerous.

We won't cross!
We won't even move!

Certainly, it's not a city...
The climate is not like here.

There, the climate is harsher.

Wind, snow... - Cold.

Cold...the storms!

The storks. - There are? - Sure!
- Storks? - Plenty, on the loose. - Yes.

In the street? - Where else?
- Well, everywhere.

In the buildings, they climb the stairs...

Water, wind and fog!

Fog, fog! - This scares me.
Anything, but the fog...

At Milan, when there's fog,
you can't see.

By golly!

And who sees it?
- What?

This Fog.

None.

But, if in Milan they cannot see
when there's fog,

how can you see if there's fog?

No, but that's not something
you can touch.

I see! - Can't touch? - No,
it's something that penetrates. - But,

apart this fog...
I won't touch it, God forbid!

But now, if we are to meet
our nephew, and this singer,

how, and where, do we find them?
- Right! I didn't think of that!

It's easy.
The singer has her name on the poster.

You get it? At Milan, when there is fog,
they put the names on the posters.

Says "If you seek me, I'm here."
- I see. Like signals. - Yeah, signals.

You see the singer's name,
you go to the theatre...

But what's her name? Damn...
- Wait, I wrote it down.

If you please, miss, from the
Management, with many wishes.

Thanks!

Are you happy, dear?
- I'm so happy, but you shouldn't have...

I shouldn't? You make me study all day,
at least tonight, it's your birthday...

For you, miss.

Thank you.

But, who sent them?
- That gentleman there.

Who's that?
- I don't know, first time I see him.

But sends you flowers, huh?

Dear, you often forget that I do theater.

But you take good care of reminding me.
- Gianni, I beg you!

Oh, here they are, our doves!

Just missing these! You invited them?

Me? Are you crazy?

Come, come, follow me.

You wanted to be alone, didn't you?
- But you can't escape from us.

We sit even though we're not invited.
Waiter, another table.

May I? How are you, Marisa?
- Fine, thanks.

22! Also this year are 22?

For you, however, a single cake
is not enough. - Malignant!

I too have a gift for you.
A proposal for South America!

Do not ruin my evening
with your usual proposals.

We only miss South America, now.

Now we only miss that
you put a spoke in our wheels!

I'll come to America with you
only if he makes me get angry.

Then let's hope well!

Doctor, will you sing us a song?
- Yes, give me the guitar.

There is one that seems
just right for the occasion.

# Love was keeping me in chains, #

# but I said, "Enough!"
and I got rid of, #

# the sky seems more blue,
the sun seems brighter, #

# and my heart is singing
from happiness. #

# That girl, that girl, #

# is telling that she wants to leave me, #

# She thinks I'm swallowing
a bitter pill, #

# she thinks that I'll go crazy
and shoot myself. #

# That girl, that girl, #

# she doesn't know
the favor she's doing me, #

# I will find me a prettier one
and a spinster she'll remain, #

# that girl, that girl, that girl! #

# Yesterday she sent me a note #

# by means of the doorman's daughter, #

# She writes that she's not happy,
she'd like to make peace with me, #

# But I am enjoying my freedom! #

# That girl, that girl, #

# is telling that she wants to leave me, #

# She thinks I'm swallowing
a bitter pill, #

# she thinks that I'll go crazy
and shoot myself. #

# That girl, that girl, #

# she doesn't know
the favor she's doing me, #

# I will find me a prettier one
and a spinster she'll remain, #

# That girl, that girl, that girl! #

Hey!
What are you doing there?

I'm taking a breath of fresh air.
What should I be doing?

By the way,

bring a lot of money.

In Milan we will incur shopping sprees:

hotels, travel, train,

lunch, okay?

I'll bring everything I have.

But you, bring your share.

"...your share"...

To my share, I arrived late.

To the bank?
- No, my personal bank.

Look, it means that you pay
in advance for me, huh? - What?

But, I must confess you something, y'know.

I don't know...

Well?
- I miss money, here! It's missing!

No, it can't be! - Yet it is!
- You keep it...where do you keep it?

I know where! But it's missing, here.

I had a million. - So?

You know how much is left?
- 700,000.

How do you know?
- You can see it.

That's a 700,000 lire package.

So, I miss 300,000 lire.

It's logical, a logical consequence.
- For whom? - How, for whom?

You're not up to date, you don't
follow the news, the stock market.

The currency is devalued!

Yours, was devalued by 30%.

Is that clear?

Currency devaluation.

Inflation!

But, what have they to laugh?

Who?

They laugh. - Of course!
You ever saw yourself in the mirror?

So? - Dear Peppino, you,
dressed as a Milanese,

you're ridicolous! - Why, you're not?
- What about it? I'm civilized.

Anyway, Halfhead said it was cold
in Milan, that there was the fog. - So?

Where is this fog?
- What did Halfhead say?

When there's fog, you don't see.

The fog is there and you can't see it.
- And you can't touch it. Yet, I'm hot.

Don't be silly, it's cold in Milan.

Yet, I'm hot.
- Will be a hot cold, what can I say?

Let's go to the hotel,
I'm exhausted from the heat.

Come on!
- Okay. Still, I don't feel this heat.

Oh, you don't feel it?
- No! It can't be hot in Milan.

Here is the wine.
- And the oil.

Underpants!
- Give me.

And bread.

Peppino...

Hang this caciotta.

Here's the pasta.

Wheat pasta.

You think it's enough for 3 days?
- Let's hope so!

It's four kilos.

Peppino?

Give me the bag with the linen.

I've already taken care of that.

Where is the portrait of
my late lamented husband? - It's there!

What's in here?

Our underwear.

What underwear?
Out! Out! Come on!

Out, out, out!
Walk around the room!

Out!
- Shoo, shoo!

I think we've fixed everything, right?

I say...
now that we are in Milan, at last,

shall we go and see
this famous Colosseum?

Huh?
- Forget the Coliseum!

You need to settle the matter of my son.

That one, as I said, I'll settle it.

In all modesty, I'm going to talk
to the girl... two words...

I've said it all.
- What, "said it all"?

But what do you "say it all",
and you never say anything?

You think to settle it with two words?
What's in your head?

You think she's a woman...
like that?!

That's a high-class woman.

It takes money, lots of.

And luckily, the money, we brought it.
- I brought it. - You brought it.

Did you bring that basket?

Let's do this, in that basket,

we put all the money,

then we write a nice cover letter,
and we bring it to her.

Hey! I want to go with you!
- No.

You go and rest, you're tired.
- Go and rest, Lucia.

Go. Leave it to us who are men!

Lucia, are we men or aren't we men?
- Are we men or what?

Then what they came to do, your brothers?

Boy, paper, inkpot and pen, quick!
Come on, let's write.

So then...

Did you write?
- A moment! - C'mon, start!

Paper, inkpot and pen.

Miss...

Miss...!

Where is she?
- Who?

The miss.
- What miss?

You said "Miss!" - A miss came in?
- I dunno. - Mis... - Come in!

Beast! Miss!

It is the autonomous header...

of the letter!

Miss...

What was wrong with that Miss there?

Miss!

We come...

we come...

we...

with this letter of mine to tell you.

We come, with this letter of mine,
to tell you.

"Totellyou" one single word: totellyou!

...to tell you one single word.
- That!

That. - That.

That. - That.

One? How many?
- What? - One "that"?

One "that"!

That. - That.

...sorry if it's not enough.

That. - That.

Sorry if it's not enough.

But seven hundred thousand lire!

semi-colon, for us

...us...
- they're for us,

especially since this year

one single word

thisyear

there was a large die-off of cows

...large...

as you well know.

Dot!

...dot...
- Two dots!

But yeah! Show that we abound.

"Abbondandisit adbondandum".

This money are useful

This money are useful...

This money are useful
so that you can take solace...

Write faster.

...take sa-la-
- that you can take solace...

Oh, I understood "take salad"!

Don't interrupt me, I got it all here!
- I understood "salad"!

from the many sorrow

from the many sorrow that you she'll get

that you she'll get

that you she'll get

Right, it's female, is feminine.

she'll get for the reason why

why...

Dunno!

What, "Dunno"?

Why what?
- What why?

The reason why! - Oh, "because", here!
- "The sorrow because"!

The qualifier adjective, right?
- Well,...

I write.

because

you must leave

our nephew.

And his uncles,
that's us ourself, personified,

But you're doing a grind?
He wipes the sweat...

that's us ourself, personified,

they're sending you this!

Because the young man

is a student who is studying,

and he has to get a decree,

...decree...
- decree...

and he has to keep his head
in the usual place,

that is,

...that is...
- on the neck!

Dot, semi-colon,...

Dot, and a semi-colon.

It's too much.
- Let it be.

She may say we're hicks, we're stingy!

But it's too much.
- Yours unfaithfully...

yours unfaithfully,..

Hurry up.
...yours unfaithfully,..

the Bigheads brothers,

that is us.

For this, open a bra.

Open a bra and say
"That is us, the Bigheads brothers".

...Bigheads...
- Did you open the bra?

Close it.

That's it!

Shall we add something?
- Well,..

"No claim whatsoever herein"
is not needed.

Well, "on today's date". - Well,
it's understood. - Yes, it's understood.

Fold the edges.

Come on!

Quick!
- There!

Close it.
Let's go!

Let's go!

Lucia, we are going!
- We're out!

Be careful!

Darling? - Dear?
- Are you going out?

Yes, I'm going to the theatre,
for the dress rehearsal.

You'll be back before the show?

I'm afraid I can't.
- So, I come and get you at the end.

Better not. You lose a lot of time.

You got any special reason to not
want me at the theater? - Oh no...

After the show, I'll come pick you up
and we go to dinner.

Look, my love,

you're not telling me lies?

Me...to you?

Never!

Bye.

Bye.

Beautiful, isn't it?
- What is it, the town hall?

The town hall? What are you saying?
This must be the Scala of Milano.

And where is it?

What? - The scale.
- It will be inside, right?

Beautiful. It seems real.
- It is real! This is an Etruscan style!

It's a half-oval. A half-oval.
- Half-vale...

Can you believe it?
This village is so big that I feel lost.

How do we do?

We should find someone to get to know
the address of this Marisa Florian.

Let's ask that soldier there.

That one? Are you crazy?
He must be an Austrian general.

Can't you see?
- All right, we are allies.

We're allies? Right, true, we are allies.
Come on.

Excuse me. - Ouch!
- Move over!

Please, you're from here? - Say.

You're from here? - Yes.
Why? You took me for a German?

Oh, you're German? I told you so!

So, how do we do?
- I'll speak to him.

Why, you speak?
- Huh, I had a friend prisoner in Germany.

Don't interrupt me or I lose the thread.

So, excuse me.
- What is it?

Bittesch�n, ourshelves...

What?

He got it! - What did he say?
- I tell you later. Ourshelves...

voule... voulevam...

voulevons

savoir

Ourshelves voulevam savoir the undress

Ja?
- Ja?

Well, but, you need to speak Italian
because I don't understand you.

He speaks Italian! He speaks Italian!

Congratulations! - Congratulations!
Bravo! - But, excuse me...

So... - Where did you think you are?
We're in Milan. - I know. So...

we want to know,

to go where we need to go..
- to go...

by where should we go?
You know, a simple information!

Listen,
- Yes, sir.

if you want to go to the asylum,
- Yes, sir.

I'll take you there!
- Yes, sir.

But look at that!

But where do you come from?
From the boonies?

He didn't understand a word.

You know what?
This is the main square?

Let's sit and she'll pass by here.

Are you crazy?
It's a big city, not a village.

How do we do then?
- Come with me, I got it.

What is that?

That must be Titus' Arch.

Isn't it dangerous? - Nonsense!
- It's so tall...!

"Stage door"

Excuse me, who are you looking for?
- Miss Florian.

Oh, finally! Look, it's to be ironed.
Dressing room 10.

Quick, giris, it's late!
- This time we'll get a fine.

I'll make him a smile
and he won't fine us.

It's all your fault.
- OK, OK, go on.

At last you came, what happened?

Come in.

May I?

The ironer.
Come in, come in. Come inside.

You'll find everything over there.

And you know what?

To each his own.

Yes, yes, but in the end
only one thing matters: money.

If you don't have anything better.

Surely you believe that falling in love
for real is a great misfortune.

I consider it a fortune.

Excuse me, who is Miss Florian?

It's me.

Why?

No, nothing.

I think the iron is hot now.
- Yes, yes, it is.

Hi Marisa.
Telegram from New York.

The producers will probably come tonight.

I appeal to you.

I've told you that I'm not going to
South America. - Ok, ok, we'll see.

You don't want to spoil things for us too?

Anyway, please, be kind to them.
Induce them to sign.

Then I'll fix them.

Marisa, please, we depend on you.

Oh, alright, phew!

Please, the petticoats
must be very stiff.

Alright, you'll be served, miss.

Nice Milanese accent, huh?

We Neapolitans have good ears.

A few hours in a place
and we quickly learn.

Anyway, I adore Neapolitans.
- But I'm from the countryside.

Just those!

Maybe it's because
I have a special reason.

Are you engaged to some
young man from there?

Did I guess?
- Huh!

Some nice young man,
very rich, generous...

All true, the best guy in the world,
but is not rich, is a student.

Student?
Oh, Jesus! What do you say?

Forgive me, but I am an old woman,

I could be your mother.

Why do you want a moneyless
student to marry?

But I make enough money!

Oh, no!
You want to offend that poor young man.

But you think he'll agree
to live with your money?

Then we shall live with the little he has.
- Oh, well,

it's easy to say...

Marisa! Can I borrow your makeup?

You're always missing something, right?
- What can you do? Thank you!

So, you would be willing
to give up everything?

The theatre...the luxury.

But when you're in love, lady...

You put yourself into a bad situation,
young lady!

Either you ruin him,
or you ruin yourself.

Forgive me, but,
I am speaking heart-to-heart.

I'd like to know why people
consider us special beings!

Why? Can't I also fall in love
and get married as any girl?

Miss, you're really nice,
but you see, there is a reason.

For example,
you know how to make the dough?

Well, no.

If your husbands gets
an ink stain on his jacket,

you know how to clean it?

No.

Have you ever done the laundry?
- No, I've never done it!

But I learn, and I learn so much more.

But there's one thing
you sensible people will never learn:

what it is to be really in love.

You can't even imagine it!

I love my boyfriend more than my life.

And for his sake I'd even be a servant!
- Ok, don't get mad!

I've spoken this way because...
I'm a mother.

May I?

Miss, there's this gentleman,
I let him in?

Ambrogio,
I've told you not to let in anybody.

But this is a Count.
- I told you, no one.

Only Mr. Gianni.
Anyway he won't come tonight. Go!

All right.

You're married, aren't you?

I'm widowed.

And, when you got married,
you knew how to do everything?

But we were of the same condition.

And who do you think I am?

My father was a country veterinarian,
and he, soon will be a doctor.

He will be if he studies.

And where do you think he is? To study!

If he doesn't study,
I won't even see him.

Do you need it now?

My dress! Yes.

Is it alright?

Yes! Very good!

How beautiful you are!

Now I know why that student
lost his mind for you!

But I lost it too!

I would make any sacrifice
for Gianni's happiness.

His name is Gianni.

Good evening, miss.

How much I owe you?
- Nothing.

But...
- Good evening.

Good evening...

Anto'!

- Peppino!

Come, it's here.
I think it's here.

At last!
- I'm exhausted!

Yes, this is the stage.

Let's hope to find her.

Gentlemen, you can't stay here.

So sorry.
- A good start!

Not even there you can stay.

Excuse me!
- And you can't smoke.

And you can't go in.

This is a jail...
- And you can't speak.

Dear man, you are exaggerating, come on!

Don't go in, don't smoke, don't speak,
I think we're going beyond the usual!

You tell us what to do!

Firstly, you must tell me who you are,
what you want and who you seek.

What's this,
a road block, a frontier, a border?

Sorry! Sorry, you're always behind...

In our country there is more freedom,
unconditional.

Perhaps you gentlemen come from...
- From out. - From the South.

I'm so sorry then!

Miss Florian is waiting for you.

Well...Actually, I hadn't realized.

Where is she, this miss Florian?

Down the corridor, on the right.

Changing room 10.
- On the right.

Next time...

If you set foot in my town...
- Let it go! Want to argue?

Are they the South American producers?
- Yes, it's them.

Calm down. Don't be a troublemaker.

Here, they abuse!
- Oh! Changing room...7,... 8...

8...
- Good evening gentlemen.

Remember me,
I'm the one who dances on tiptoe.

Where? - On the tips.
- Says she dances on the tips.

Well, blessed her!

And I'm the one doing the splits in
the 2nd half. - You do splits? - Yes.

What does it mean?
- What do I know?

Good evening, how do you do?
- What?

Oh, two plus two makes... makes?
- Four! - Makes four!

Four and four, eight.
It's math...

When are you leaving?

Says if you're thirsty and want an olive.
- No, thanks. - No, thanks.

Enjoy your meal.

Good evening, se�or.
- Hello! - You have a cigarette?

No, no cigarettes. - I don't smoke.
- If you want to take a drag...

Do another laugh in face of this pipe.

Unfortunately,
you won't see much of me tonight.

They cut my part.

They cut what?
- The part, the part.

Which one? - The best one.
So young... - I'm so sorry!

Well, never mind! - Must put up with it.
- But where is she?

Marisa, they're here.
- Who?

The producers, the SouthAmericans.
Some hicks!

Alright, let them in.
- Please, come in.

Here we go!
- Please! Adelante, adelante.

Adelaide!
- Adelaide!

The lady is gone? - Oh, no!
Do come in, please, please, come in.

Muy encantada.
Please, take a seat,

forgive the mess of my room,
but it's work, you know.

You must forgive my Spanish,
but I was in Barcelona a short 'tiempo'.

But you speak some Italian, right?
- Well...

Well...Sometimes yes, sometimes not.

The Latin, no!

So, Miss...
- So...

Wait a minute.
I'll speak, who am the elder. Sorry.

Miss, we are,

modestly, no offense to anyone,
we are serious persons.

persons that...
here we are.

I know. The Vice-Consul of Paraguay
spoke so well of you.

Who's that? - Paraguay?
Do you know this guy? - No.

A gentleman who met us by chance.
Indeed,

of us, no one can speak badly,
they all speak well with the mouth.

We were expecting you,
we got your telegram.

Did you send a telegram? No,
I'm asking you: You sent a teleg...?

Who sent this telegram? - Not me!
- Me neither! Who sent it?

Maybe someone for you.

Who can it be?
- Halfhead!

He never minds his own business.
- That one!

You don't know Halfhead!

So, shall we talk about the conditions?
- What conditions?

The financial conditions.

Oh, yes.
- Here! Indeed, we had...

This is no time. - But can I sp...?
- This is no time!

Say!
- Well, I have many expenses:

clothes, costumes, a 'tenor of living'...
- Even a tenor?

There's also a tenor? - OK,
we'll take care of the tenor as well.

You got some small change?
- Yes, but I'll deal with the tenor, OK?

I wanted to ask:

all quiet there in the south?
No small revolution in the offing?

I say, you kidding?
Us in the south, revolutions? God forbid!

I read in the papers that sometimes
there are movements down there, no?

Even this they put in the papers!
Journalists! - It's trifles, nonentities.

That is...It's about our opponent...

Halfhead.
- Yes, yes.

So, you are interested in politics.

No, every now and then we break his
windowpanes. - We break... just for fun!

He shoots us with the rifle!
- Come on! He's a hunter, and so he fires.

And then Gianni...

knows about it.

Gianni?

What's Gianni got to do?
- What do you mean? Gianni is our nephew.

But how?
So you are...

Gianni's nephews!

Nephews' Giannis.

The nephew... We are the neph...
the nephew...

Gianni has a nephew...
And who is this nephew?

Speak!
-Speak!

Excuse him.

He makes me confuse.

We are Gianni's uncles.

Gianni is nephew to us.
- To me.

To the Bigheads.

Gianni's uncles!

Yes! How could I not
recognize you immediately?!

Well, it's not so easy,
we're in disguise.

In civvies, so...

I wonder what Gianni
will say when he sees you.

But you, you are Uncle Peppino!

And you're Uncle Antonio.

And how's Mom Lucia?
- Fine, thanks. - I'm glad.

So, in here there is..
- Oh, thanks! Are they for me?

- "IRIS FIGS" -
You are so kind, very kind.

Miss?

On stage!

Coming!

Sorry, but I must go, I must leave you.

But wait here, okay?
Sorry, I really gotta run.

You got it?
You got it? Must run away.

Who knows what else she's done...
- Where does she go? - How do I know?

If you weren't my brother, I'd slap you.
- Why? - You didn't make me talk.

It was her! She did it on purpose.
-It was her, it was her...

What now?
- What now? We set off, what else?

We set off, huh?
- The money and the letter are there.

When she comes back after the race and
enters, she opens and reads all the...

And I explained, OK?
- And what do we do?

We do... We came to Milan,
don't you want to have fun?

And Lucia? - Lucia...
Half an hour, a bit of fun and we go home.

Earlier I saw...

I saw the blonde who made me...
she made me...

Hey, hey! Be a serious man!
- Serious man my foot!

Be serious!
- Come on, come on!

She locked us up.
- What do you mean, she locked us up?

How stupid you are! How stupid you are!
Cheer up, cheer up!

You know what we do now?

All those pretty girls,
we invite them to dinner with us.

Hey, hey, hey!

All of them? - Everyone!
Don't be a skinflint! Shame on you!

That's the custom , in a foreign city,
one must be magnanimous and Longobard.

Tell me, into your pocket,
how much do we have, us?

We must return home, you know?
- Somehow we'll return. - No tricks!

When they'll come, don't you speak.
- I can never speak!

Your plans for tonight, caballeros?
- Well, just some fun.

Every night, after the show,
we dine at Grand Milan.

If you'll honor us, we'll have
a few laughs together. - Of course!

We'll have the time of our life.

Then go ahead. - Order a nice dinner.
- When the show is over we'll arrive.

Gosh, I'm game!

Please.

What's going on? What's up?
- My hat, my hat! - Leave it!

That's how they're used to!

How do you use it? - She gave you this?
- Shall I wear this? - No, your hat!

She took it! - But she gave you this.
- And where do I put it? - In your pocket.

And the hat on your socket...
er...never mind, look at me.

Miss, would you give one to me too?
- It's the custom.

This is the cloakroom ticket.

It's that...
- Hush!

Good evening, gentlemen.
- Good evening.

You know him?

No! - He saluted you.
- They are polite in Milan.

Good evening sir.

How many are the gentlemen?

How many...? - Gentlemen. - We don't know
how many gentlemen there are in Milan.

No, I mean you, you. - Oh, us?
How many are we? We are two!

We are the Bigheads brothers.

I'm the primigenial, he's the second one.
- Second genial.

A table for two, then. - No, actually,
we're waiting for those girls of the...

Those that... those that...
the revue, what's its name?

Those in fancy-dress.
- I got it, I got it.

Then, in the upper parlour. Please.

It's that, it's that.

The gentlemen await?

They await.

They await. - They await.

Good night.

Hi!

Marisa, you saw the Duke in the stalls?

I bet they came to Milan for us.

Yes, I saw them.

My dear, if you had some brains,
you'd come to dinner with us tonight.

Don't you know he's crazy after you?

Look, Gabriella, what if you
knock it off with all this? Oof!

You know who came to see me tonight?
Gianni's uncles.

Two simpletons, but real nice. I left
them here, but were gone when I got back.

They were so confused.

Oh, they brought me a basket.

Take a look, it must be over there.

Why are you laughing?

What's the matter?

When will they come, these girls?
They bear a delay!

"They bear a delay"!
You took them for a local train?

"They bear a delay"!

Hear hear!

This is a luxury eating-house!

I say that they'll tan our hides, here!

They'll pluck us like turkeys!
- Oh, Peppino!

Peppino, you make me slap myself!
-Go on, do it!

Skinflint!

Cost what it may,
now we're here and here we stay!

But in the end, a small supper
for 6, 7 people, we're in 7...

how much can it cost?
2 or 300,000 lire!

Hey, hey, hey!

2 or 300,000 lire?
Are you nuts? Who has it?

How, who has it?
- Well, I don't! - How much do you have?

I have 20,000 lire. - 20,000?
You wretch! Why didn't you tell me before?

Now we call the waiter

and we make arrangements for
a little dinner at cost price, huh?

What a brother you have!

Let's arrange beforehand, at least.
- Leave it to me!

Waiter!

So?

Morons...

Comes immediately.

Good evening gentlemen.
- Good evening, commander. - Commander!

The gentlemen wish?
- Actually, we wanted the waiter.

Indeed. I am the maitre.

What'd he say?
- He is a metre.

A metre?
He doesn't look his highness.

Nice to meet you.

Please, take a seat.
Sit down, don't stand.

Please, gentlemen, I cannot.
- Oh no, by all means!

Says he cannot.
- Well, if cannot...

Excuse us, we sit, we're a bit tired.

The gentlemen were saying?

So...we can talk to you freely?
- Please.

We have a rendezvous
with some young ladies.

So, we'd like to organize a dinner...
- I understand! - ...that should be...

I understand.

I'm here to counsel our customers.

I am the counselor.

You're a Councillor?
Pleased to meet you!

May I, Mr Councillor? Very honored!

My brother. - Bighead.
- We are the Bigheads brothers.

Take a seat! Won't you? - Please, sir.
- We regret you're standing up.

So, we were saying, cold or hot dinner?

Hot, hot, hot.
- Lukewarm...

Hot! Don't heed.

How many persons?
- Well, we are...

2 males...
- And 5 females.

So it takes seven covers.

Ho! 7 covers? - See?
Were it lukewarm, wouldn't need covers!

Listen, Mr. Councillor, but, I say...

it's not so cold in Milan.

Couldn't we eat without covers,
and be free, cool?

The gentlemen want to joke.
You can't eat without cover.

It's mandatory? - If it's the Regulation.
- A custom of Milan. OK.

For starters, I'd advise a tortoise soup.

Yeah! Yes!

Wait a minute... yes, yes... er...
- Tortoise soup, yes!

Oh, right!

The price?
- My brother is a collector... of prices.

He always inquiries about, y'know.
How much?

1,300 by 7...

9,100!

Oh! - The soup? - A bit expensive.
- No, skip the soup.

You always start with a soup.

If it's gotta be soup,
let's make a nice bean soup.

Good! Great idea! Beans, single course!

Rely on me.
- Yes, sir.

I'll arrange you a service
you won't forget nevermore.

What? You'll arrange...?

A service you won't forget, nevermore.

Yes, sir.

He'll really do us a 'service'!
- He will.

What an unsympathetic face!
- He threatened us clearly.

What now?

How much...Let me see those 20,000!
- Here they are.

Leave!

Let's see these 20,000, in case...

They're two, only two. - Well, at times...
- They're two.

Sometimes they stick together.

Two, only two.

It would take a miracle.

A miracle, it would take.

My St. Anthony,..

my dearest St. Anthony,

you are such a miraculous saint,

doing 13 graces per day,

do one for me.
Do so that the girls won't come.

Here we are!

St. Anthony,

thanks a lot, huh?

Uncle Antonio! - Uncle Peppino!

We thought you were the South Americans!

Is dinner ready? - I could eat a horse!
- And I'm thirsty! Champagne!

Turtle soup!
- Leave down the blanket!

This is from Marisa.
- She returned the empties!

No! There is the money!

And she said she no longer wants to hear
of your nephew nor of your filthy money!

Don't touch! - Why?
- This money is filthy! Is filthy money!

Come on, to table! We eat!
Commander!

Councillor! Waiter!

Vegetable soup!
Tortoise soup!

Fish canap�s!
Fish from Africa!

Champagne!
Champagne!

Hallo? The New Theatre, please.
The stage.

Hallo, New Theatre

Please, is still there Miss Florian?
- She's gone, sir.

Gone? When it ended, the show?
- Over an hour ago.

Thanks.
- You're welcome.

Come in.

What is it?

Thanks.

"Gianni, don't ask me why,

but it's necessary that each of us
resumes his own road.

Farewell, Marisa."

Hey, Gianni!

Hi.

Hi, you sit with us?
- Hi, how's it going?

This nitwit of my brother

stashes his money under a tile!

I go on the other side,

and I steal all his money!

You thief!
Thief!

When you're not there, Naples has no sun.
- No moon, no sea, nothing!

Shut up, I'm jealous!
- Well done!

Fine figure you cut!

# If you had done to another #

# what you have done to me, #

# this man would have just killed you, #

# and you want to know why? #

# Because over this world #

# women of your kind #

# there shouldn't be at all #

# for an honest man like me! #

# Woman, #
- Who's that guy? Do you know him?

# you are an evil woman, #
- No.

I never saw him.

# you've led these eyes to cry #

# tears from your wickedness, #

# woman, #

# you are worse than a viper, #

# you have poisoned my heart, #

# I can no longer live... #

# Woman, #

# you are as sweet as sugar, #

# but this face of angel #

# you use it to deceive... #

# Woman, #

# you are the prettiest woman #

# I love you and I hate you #

# I can not forget you. #

# Woman, #

# you are the prettiest woman #

# I love you and I hate you #

# I can not... #

# forget you. #

It's Gianni!

It's a record!

No, it's Gianni!

Gianni!

Gianni!

"Go and sleep,
you're tired from the trip..."

"We are men..."

"We get rid of her"

And I, like a fool, I trusted you.

Look at them!
Look in what state they're in, look!

You came to Milan to save your nephew!

Lucia, don't shout, I beg you!

I have the 'apathetic' colics.

Please, with the 'apathetic' colics
you can't shout.

And then, in the end,
haven't we saved him, our nephew?

Everything else doesn't matter.

That was all tactics.

It was a sort of...

of 'stratregical' maneuver.

We made a fling...

What shall we do, after all we are men.
And...

And I've said it all.

Shame on you!

Why be ashamed?

What did I know that I,
in Milan, I was a man

that meets the eye?

I meet...
- Sure, he meets...

But give me a break! These two old morons!
- Right.

So spoke the underage!

Peppino,

my liver!

It was all that...

the arcohol we drank...

...alcohol.

Curacao, Bernocchi...

Go to Hell!

However, we have achieved the purpose.

We got rid of the girl.

Got rid?

The only words that the girl deserved,

you haven't been able to tell her.

You're really a good girl.

And this here,
is just like her mother!

Yeah! Just like her dad!

Come to daddy.

Even this year our holidays
are about to end. - You mind?

Yes. In Naples, with the clinic,
you never have time for me.

Well, once in a while...

A pizza together, huh?

But, Gianni Jr.?
Has been away for an hour.

Those two brainless
brought him on the curricle.

But, where do they go with my kid?
- Dunno! Around.

Says they have to teach him
the family traditions.

# A liar woman has left me... #

Did I hurt you?
- No.

How come?
- Eh, well...

Check it out.
Is he at the window?

No.
- Throw the stone, here.

Throw it strongly, come on! - Come on!

THE END