All language subtitles for Detectorists 2022 Christmas Special

BIRDSONG

FIERCE SHOUTING

SWORDS CLASH

HORSES BRAY

BIRDSONG

This programme contains
some strong language.

Morning.

It's Kevin, is it? Yeah.

Andy. Lance.

So, metal detectors, are you?

Detectorists.

Metal detectors are in the boot,
all ready to go.

So, drawing up a contract, as
discussed, outlining our agreement

that anything of any value is split
50-50 between us, the finders,

and you, the landowner.
I'll have a look.

Was wondering if you could sign that
now, actually, Kevin.

Better to get the paperwork in place
before we get started.

Well, OK.

So, which fields we allowed in?

Well, everything south of here
to the river is ours.

Winter barley is already
in at Brentford Road.

But, otherwise, go where you like.

And nobody's ever searched here
before, to your knowledge?

Metal detectors?

Detectorists, yeah.

Not that I know of.

Well, thanks again. Cheerio.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you
ten acres of prime pay dirt,

freshly ploughed,
and months till the crops go in.

Bring it on.

You're very welcome.

There are some guys mending
the fence down by the woods,

but they won't bother you.

Just tell them
you're the metal detectors.

# Will you search
through the lonely earth for me?

# Climb through the briar
and bramble

# I'll be your treasure

# I'm waiting for you

# I'm waiting for you. #

Oi! Archaeology.

Eyes only.

Oh, nice. Look at that.

That's a...

That's a cup.

Oh. Really?

Anything else?

Uh, yeah, that...
looks like Colchester ware.

Made somewhere near Colchester.

That's great, completed.

Looks like it's got some age
to it. Ah.

You like crockery. You keep it.

I don't want it. It's yours.
You found it.

You keep it, you philistine.

Oh...

Not too bothered about kitchenware.

I'm looking for metal.

LOW RUMBLING

RAPID BEEPING

Not happening?

What's that? The Scooby-Doo van?

Mystery Machine, yeah.

Here.

Oh.

Yeah. You know what that is?

I THINK I know what it is.
Sword pommel.

That's what I was going to say.
You didn't give me a chance.

You know what period?

BOTH: Saxon.
Bloody hell.

Yeah, nice find.

Something for the finds table
at last.

You going along Tuesday?
What's happening?

Terry's giving a talk
on ground mineralisation.

Sounds unmissable.

Tell you what, come round at 6:00.

I'll knock out a jalfrezi.

How's Toni?

Yeah, yeah...

OK.

Moved out a couple of weeks ago now,
back to her boat.

How's that feel?

Ah, can't lie.

Good to have the place to myself.

She'll still come and stay,
but we couldn't live together.

I've got my hobbies, my stuff.

All my habits.

She missed her boat.

Why are you going this way?
There's roadworks up ahead.

Oh, shit.

Sorry, mate.
You want me to turn around?

No, it's all right.

Actually, can you pull over
a minute? Yeah.

ECHOING: # ..Andy

# Happy birthday to you... #

CHEERING AND CLAPPING

There's soup in the kitchen

when you've finished
what you're doing.

JAR CLINKS

HE SIGHS

Andy, is that you?

Can you turn over the fish fingers?

Yeah. Hello.

Stan, Daddy's home!

Daddy! Hello, sunshine.

Oh! You're too old to be carried.

You're 18.

No, I'm not. I'm seven.

How old? Seven.

Well, you're too big to be carried.

Did you find anything?
I did, actually.

I'll show you what I found.

Hi. Hey.

How did the interview go?

It went all right.

I knew everyone on the board,
it was all the school governors.

The fish fingers!

BECKY CHUCKLES

Where'd you find your jar of pipes?

I went to the cottage.

Lance took a wrong turn.

I found it behind some beams.

How was it?

Really overgrown, stinging nettles.

Sad. But not sad as it was.

So, if you get this job,
a headteacher's wages are, what,

substantially more? Why?

Have you got plans?

I think we should take the cottage
off the market.

Why? I want to try again.

Rebuild it.

We were doing so well
before the fire.

It's gone, Andy.
There's nothing left of it.

We still own the land.

We could sell this place, move
into a flat for a couple of months

while the structure goes up,
or even a static home,

then we can live on site.
We were just doing so well.

And I was doing that online
thatching course.

Seems a shame to give up on it.

What did you find
with your metal detector?

I'll show you what I found.
Part of a sword.

What part? You know the blade
of a sword, the long, shiny,

sharp bit that does
all the cutting and stabbing?

Yes.

Well, not that bit.

At the other end of a sword is
a thing called a pommel.

Imagine that at the end of a sword.

LANCE SINGS ALONG TO MUSIC

# First time in history

# It's gonna start raining men

# It's raining men

# Hallelujah... #

MUFFLED MUSIC PLAYS

# Gonna go out...
Let myself get

# Absolutely soaking wet... #

MUSIC STOPS

And the thing is,
it's nothing fancy.

It's just standard issue, which
could mean either a military base

or the site of a battle.

Go on.

Battle of Braintree.
599 CE.

Raedwald of East Anglia versus
Ethelbert of Kent,

and the first recorded
Christian army in Britain.

So writes the Venerable Bede.

But...the Christians are coming
from Canterbury

and the pagans from Rendlesham.

Why do they meet all the way
over there?

You think they met somewhere
around here?

It's a much more direct route,
and a more likely one.

Why's it called the Battle
of Braintree?

Well, it was when the farmer
mentioned Brentford Road.

Brentford would suggest a ford
through the River Brent.

But that river isn't called
the Brent. It's called...

The Blackwater. Exactly.

So, I delved a bit deeper. Guess
what it was called in Saxon times?

Could it possibly be...?

River Brent, from where Braintree
gets its name.

Huh.

So, once again, the Venerable Bede
is talking out of his arsehole.

Let's not talk about this
at the club tonight.

And I've been thinking.

Let's play down the, uh,
new permission, in general.

Play it down how?
Everyone knows about it.

They'll all be asking, especially
when they see my sword pommel.

Uh, cupboard or fridge?

Cupboard, you fool.

What about NOT putting your sword
pommel on the finds table this week?

What?

It'll just get everyone all excited.

Damn right it will. That's the best
thing I've found in a year.

That's a potential
Find of the Month.

Well, it's only the first Tuesday.

You can wait two weeks,
it'll still qualify.

Oh, man. I was looking forward
to showing that off.

Let's just wait and see if anything
else turns up next visit,

and then we can present a body
of evidence.

Where's that painting Stan did
for you? What's that?

Stan did you a painting at his
Saturday Club at the Scout hall.

It was on the fridge here.

Must have chucked it out.

Chucked it out, why?
Didn't you like it?

Well, it was fine.
It was a kid's painting.

I liked him giving it to me.
I liked the gesture.

But three weeks on the fridge -

I reckon that's fair enough.

Three weeks?

You want me to keep all of them
forever?

Your fridge is a fire hazard.

Mate. Oh, sorry, mate.

I-I wasn't thinking.

Do you write a best-before date
on them? Sometimes.

On a Post-it note.

Listen, about playing it down,
I just want us to have

a proper search before the hordes
come sniffing about.

If they ask where it is, just...

..be vague.

I have in my hand a piece of paper
that bears grave news.

That doesn't bode well.

Grave news seldom does, Russell.

It involves the future of this hall
and all the societies

and clubs that use it.

Long story short, developers
are sniffing around.

And the council are saying,
unless we raise the funds

for refurbishment, this
building will be demolished

and the land sold.

Added to which, it has also
been confirmed that,

despite our appeals, we are
to receive none of the reward

for the 162 Roman gold coins
that fell out of a tree

at our rally on Church Farm.

As you know, we, um, subsequently
discovered that the land

had been sold to the solar company,

and we as a club had no permission
to be there.

Yeah, and Simon and bloody Garfunkel
did, so...

Much as it pains me to say it,
those two -

Terra Firma, or the Dirt Sharks, or
whatever they're calling themselves

these days - are claiming the
finder's share of the reward.

So we are going to need to do
some serious fundraising

if we're going to keep this place.

Maybe it's finally time for
the naked calendar.

Well, I-I was thinking more

of a rally to begin with, Russell.

You know, with an entrance fee.

But to do that, we are going to need
some really good land to detect on.

How's your new permission, Lance?
Andy?

Yeah, yeah. I...

I don't know, uh...

Don't hold out much hope
on that one, Terrence. No?

Uh, preliminary,
uh, recce's disappointing.

Hmm.

Yeah, well, one rally isn't going
to be enough to save this place,

but it would be a start.

So, any suggestions for a venue
will be gratefully received.

Along with any other straws
we can clutch at.

Tea's up.

Thanks, love.

All right, grab yourselves a cuppa,

and then I'll get started
on my talk.

Who found the cup?

Lance did. Eyes only.

Ha!

How much was that detector again,
Lance?

You know you should get one that
actually detects metal, right?

No, no, Louise. Any detectorist
worth their salt

should regularly be picking up
eyes-only finds.

You should be using all your senses,

constantly scanning the ground
for clues.

Pottery can tell you a lot
about a location. Uh-huh.

Great many gold finds are eyes-only.

Because, Hugh...?

Um, cos gold doesn't corrode?

Good lad.

Comes out of the ground
as shiny as when it went in.

Right.

Are we ready for this evening's
lecture?

Ah.

LANCE YAWNS

I noticed you were being
very secretive about

your new permission there, chaps.

No, uh... Thing is, Terry...

Landowner, Kevin,
he-he's a bit wary.

We need to tread carefully.
He only wants us on there.

Oh. He said that, did he?

Yep.

Yeah, he did.

He said, for now, at least,
he'd prefer it was just us.

Hmm.

Hello, DMDC. Ah.

All right, Becks?
Been out this evening?

Yeah, saw some friends.

All right, Terry? How'd your talk
go? What was it again?

Oh. Uh, the pros and cons
of calibrated balance versus

pulse induction when coping
with ground mineralisation.

Breathtaking. Intoxicating.

Ignore the sarcasm, Becky.

I think it was very informative.

And how did your Battle of Braintree
theory go down?

What's this now?
Oh, no... No, that was...

Uh, you're getting mixed up.

Am I...getting mixed up?

Yeah. Yeah, that...
that was something else.

The Battle of Braintree?

599, Raedwald versus Ethelbert.

What about it?

I'm sorry, Terry.
Apparently, I'm confused.

Uh, yes, Becky, I think you'll find
the Battle of Braintree

took place in Braintree.

ANDY CLEARS THROAT

"You're getting mixed up."
How fucking patronising!

I'm sorry. It was Lance,
he doesn't want anyone to know

about the battle thing. Why not?

Because he found the farm,
he wants to detect it himself.

So you're keeping it a secret?

Oh, Jesus. You're like kids.

You're a qualified archaeologist,
Andy. Well, what does that mean?

It means, why aren't you taking this
seriously?

The way you were enthusing about it.

Why aren't you trying to get funding
for a dig or something?

This is my hobby.

You know what happened with the
archaeology, I got disillusioned.

Oh, yeah. Really quickly.

All those years studying,
you qualify, you do one job,

and then you chuck it all in.
What a waste of time!

Two jobs. And why is it
a waste of time?

I've still got all the knowledge.
Yeah, what do you use it for?

To make pedantic points
on metal detecting forums.

Is this how you feel? How long
have you been feeling like this?

Oh, I don't know. I'm probably not.

I'm just pissed off you made me look
like an idiot in there.

But when you talk about moving us
into a caravan

so you can build a house,

while you talk about learning
to thatch -

online, for God's sake.

You're not a thatcher
or a builder.

You're an archaeologist!

There's no money in archaeology.

There's no money in doing fuck all
either!

LANCE ON PHONE: Yello?

All right, mate? Uh...

Any chance you could get the
afternoon off work?

I was going to head over
to the farm.

Uh... Hang on a sec.

Ted! All right if I knock off,
once I've done these 'shrooms?

Mum's been taken into hospital
again.

Yeah, OK.

I'll pick you up at yours,
uh, midday?

Copy that.

You did what?

Why?

I was just passing. I didn't know
when I'd next get the chance.

You had 14 days to declare
that find.

Why'd you have to do it so quick?

Teacher's pet.

It's at the bottom of a pile this
big. It'll be months

before it's researched. Yeah, months
before you see it again, too.

And you can forget
Find of the Month.

You better not have told them
about the Battle of Braintree.

Just left it at reception.

DETECTOR SQUEAKS

RAPID BEEPING

METALLIC CLINK

DETECTOR SQUEAKS

LOW RUMBLING

DETECTOR BEEPS

What was that? Thunder?

I don't know. Earth tremor?

Whatever it was, it came
at exactly the same point

as a beautiful clear...
Clear signal.

Yeah, me too.

Right when it happened. What...

What'd you find?
You won't believe it.

Another one, almost identical.

Shit.

You were right.

This can only be the site
of a battle.

Three of them in the same field.

That's not all I found. Look.

That's a bridle fitting, strap end.

Yeah. Buckle.

And, uh...
Well, that's part of a spur.

Things were popping up
all over the place.

They were leaping out of the
ground.

I've never known a day like it.

This is massive.

Just think of it.

All that history, right there...

..under the Bodie.

Bodie?

Bodie and Doyle, soil.

Speaking of which, I suppose we need
to call in the professionals.

Professionals?

What, archaeologists?

Yeah. Shouldn't we?

This is massive, you said so
yourself. We need to tell someone.

Get a team down here.
We ARE the team.

We can do it ourselves.
We know what we're doing.

We're careful, diligent.

Archaeologists can't excavate
a whole field.

What are they going to do,
put down a trench?

In a battlefield?

No, this site needs to be detected
by detectorists.

We need to tell someone.
No, we don't.

Not yet.

Please, Andy.

Look, let's just the two of us do
it, just for a little bit longer.

It's the best permission we've had
in years.

DETECTOR BEEPS

LOW RUMBLING

Hey, Andy, do feel that one?

Andy!

DETECTOR BEEPS

Mate?

What you got?

Nothing.

Oh, I thought you called me.

You looked like you had something.
Concentrating.

Ah, turned out to be nothing.

Nothing at all?

Uh...

It's, uh...

Uh...

Lead.

Lump of lead.

Oh, well.

Can't really complain.
It's been a good day.

Pub?

Yeah. Uh, no.

No, I've, er...

I've got... I've got to go
and do something.

Uh, better get off.

Oof.

Found a buckle and a strap end
in the same hole.

Found a buckle, checked again,
another signal. Amazing.

Huh.

How deep were you finding things?

All of mine were pretty much within
four inches of the surface.

ENGINE ROARS
Uh-huh... You're driving fast.

We're under the speed limit.

It just feels fast cos we're close
to the ground in this car.

Why are you driving faster
than you usually do?

Am I? I hadn't noticed.

All right if I drop you here?

Here? Yeah.

OK.

Well, it's just a bit further on.

Yeah. OK. Cheers for the lift.

TYRES SCREECH

Wait. Mate... Mate! You got...

You drove off with my detector,
you prick.

Can you make sure it doesn't stay
in the boot all night?

And can you give it a wipe down
with a damp cloth?

And can you make sure it's fully
charged before we go out again?

And give me a ring back or a text,
so I know you got this message.

DOOR OPENS, KEYS JANGLE

Oh, hey. You're home early.

I didn't get the job,
so I took the rest of the day off.

Oh, shit. Who got it?

Someone from outside.
Don't know them.

Ah, well.

Bloody Lance drove off
with my bloody detector.

I was going to give it a coat of wax
tonight.

"Ah, well"?

Sorry. I was distracted.

I'm sorry you didn't get the job.

I gave in my notice.

What? Like, as in...?

You know what "I gave in my notice"
means, Andy.

Means I've resigned.

OK, wow. Why are you saying it
like that?

Like what?

Like it's MY fault.

Please don't make this about you,
Andy, for Christ's sakes.

You didn't want to check with me
first? Ugh.

What happened to discussing things
and figuring them out together?

It was spur of the moment.

I didn't know I was going to do it.
But the minute they told me

I hadn't got the job,
I realised I was relieved.

It was a weight off my shoulders.

I don't want to stay in
that same place,

with more work and more
responsibility.

I want a complete change.

Change from me?

BECKY SIGHS

SOBBING: That's not what I said,
Andy...

I love you, but...

..I'm so tired.

I haven't stopped.

Not after the fire.

Not after Mum died...

And dealing with all her affairs,
it's been...

SHE SNIFFLES

It's been exhausting.

I'm so tired.

I need you to help me, Andy.

I need you to step up.

SHE SOBS

Gree... Greeden...

Greg... Gleg...

..my. Gregormy.

Gregormy.

PHONE BUZZES

Oh...

Hi, love.

Hmm?

No... No, don't-don't...

Don't come...
don't come round.

I-I-I'll meet you at the pub.

Yeah...

All right. Yeah.

All right, love.

OK. See you soon.

Yeah.

Mm. Me, too.

HE SIGHS

Ah.

Gregormy... Greg-or-my...

Greg-or-me...

Ah.

Gregorme...

LANCE GASPS

KNOCK AT DOOR

Ah...!

Who is it? It's me - Andy.

All right?

All right, mate?

You not going to invite me in?

Thing is, I was just getting ready
to go out and see Toni.

OK.

Well, can I get my detector?

I haven't got your detector.

You drove off with it, you bastard.

I left you a message.

Oh, yeah. I-I saw you rang.
I haven't listened to it.

I'll go get the key.

ANDY SIGHS

Mate, I've got a confession.

I lied to you.

I DID tell the archaeology service
about the Battle of Braintree idea,

and they're really interested.

I knew you did.

Teacher's pet.

So, that's that, is it?
They'll soon be down.

Their cordons and

their little trowels and brushes.

Brush me off my own permission.

They said the sword pommel wasn't
enough to go on, but if something

of significance were to turn up,
then there might be funding

available for an excavation.

I think what we found today,
including three sword pommels,

IS significant. And you wouldn't be
turfed off your permission

because I want to go back to work.

I want to be part of the team
that does the dig.

And you can, too,
you can be involved.

Very noble of you.

This is Becky's doing, isn't it?

Becky's DOING?

What, like a spell?

We talk about stuff, and we talked
about me going back to work,

and we decided it was a good idea.
She didn't put a curse on me.

Well, do you know what?

I don't think three sword pommels
IS very significant.

I think it's little more
than a coincidence. What?

What about "this is massive"?

What about "all that history
under the Bodie"?

I was just excited after finding
a few interesting bits.

Do what you want.

I'm going to be late.
Got to go and meet Toni.

Mate, come on.
This is important to me.

I'm telling the club on Tuesday.

I'm going to put all my finds
on the finds table.

Do what you want.

Hello, you.

Hi, love.

Sorry. Have you been here long?
Uh...

Five minutes. You're all right.

Expecting someone?

QUIETLY: I need you to take
something for me.

Look after it on your boat.

Stash it somewhere safe.

What's in it?

I can't tell you.

No, then.

Pardon?

Sorry, you're asking me
to hide a briefcase?

No, I won't.

What are you talking about, Lance?
What's in it?

Just something I found
metal detecting.

Well, it's obviously not
just something you found,

or it wouldn't be in a briefcase.

Why is it in a briefcase?

Where did you get a briefcase from?

Oh, God.

You can't tell anyone.

I've broken protocol...badly.

Oh, I see.

Shiny. Yeah.

Gold.

What is it?

Don't know.

Can't find out.

Is that writing?

Yeah.

What does it say?
I don't know.

Can't find out.

How have you broken the protocol?

I hid it from Andy.

Didn't tell him.

Why not?

Because he wants to call in the
beards, and it's my permission.

He wants to turn it
into a proper organised dig.

He's talking about going back
to work in archaeology,

and he thinks he's going to head
a team that's going to discover

the site of a major historic battle.

Well, that all sounds amazing.

Well, when I put it like that,
it does, yeah.

How else might you put it?

It's my permission.
I found that permission.

I want to do it
with MY metal detector.

Lance, listen to yourself.

This sounds like an incredible
opportunity for Andy.

It sounds really exciting.
For you, as well.

Just tell him.

Show him the gold.

I broke it.

He'd never trust me again.

Can't you find it again?

What?

Find it again.

But this time,
make sure Andy sees you find it.

I could.

I-I-I COULD find it again.

Even better. Have loads of
witnesses,

hold one of your detecting rallies.

Find the gold, take the glory,

and then do the right thing
and hand it all over to Andy

and the beards, as you call them.

I'd have to dance.

Hmm?

I'd have to fake a convincing
gold dance.

At a rally, it'd be expected.

Do you want me to help you
work something out?

No, no...

I could...

..throw a few moves together,
make it look spontaneous.

Not too slick.

TONI LAUGHS

Well, this is unprecedented.

The first time we have ever had
to extend the finds table.

THUD!

Sorry I'm late.

Hello, Russ.

You look well.

I didn't know you played squash.

Just taken it up.

Oh. Hello. You had a trim?

Just a tidy-up.

Wahey! Look at this.

AMERICAN ACCENT: You're going
to need a bigger finds table.

You know, like in Jaws.

Whose is all this?

Lance and Andy's new permission.

Well, you know what all this
is saying to me?

It's saying, site of potentially
great importance.

Yeah, well, I've got a theory
about that, actually, Terry.

I've been looking into it,
and I think it would be worth

informing the archaeology service.
I agree.

Do you?

Yeah. Makes sense.

I-I was wondering, Terry,

if we were to detect the whole site
first, catalogue all the finds

just below the surface,

give them a better idea of where
to put down their little trenches.

Do you reckon you could get us ALL
on that permission?

Yeah, I've already spoken to Kevin.

Gave him a bell.
He's happy to let anyone on.

What's this?

Yeah. Don't you think?
Share the wealth?

How quickly can you scramble
a rally, Telford?

This weekend? Sunday?

I think it's eminently doable.

What are you doing?
What about asking me first?

I thought it was what you wanted.
That's not what I said.

"Get loads of people down there."

Yeah, archaeologists.

You said yourself,
the archaeologists will only come

if we find something significant.

More people that get down here,
better chance we have of finding it.

Then you can invite
all your beardy bum chums.

Hmm, what, £5 fee?
What'd you reckon, tenner?

LIVELY HUBBUB

Hi, Andy, how are you?
I'm well, thanks, Toni.

Have we got that gold dance ready?

Pardner, got a gold dance ready?

Got a good feeling about today.

Does everyone want to start
gathering around?

That's it, folks.

Welcome, everybody.

Now, first things first.

Many thanks to Lance and Andy
for sharing their permission.

The lunch whistle will be blown
at midday precisely.

And, Russell, I believe you're going
to read the blessing for us today.

Our farmer, who art named Kevin,

furrowed be thy plain.

Viking for some,

Saxon, Roman, unearthed

so it isn't hidden.

Give us permission this day to tread

so we won't be trespassers,

as trespassing leaves

a bad taste among us,

and lead us not into frustration,

but deliver us medieval.

Decline aluminium,

whatever the weather.

Amen.

ALL: Amen.

DETECTOR BEEPS

# Will you swim
through the briny sea for me?

# Roll along the ocean's floor?

# I'll be your treasure

# I'm with the ghosts of the men
who can never sing again

# There's a place
Follow me

# Where a love lost at sea

# Is waiting for you... #

WHISTLE BLOWS

# Is waiting for you. #

Marked the spot with a big lump
of flint.

It's called a hag stone.

Farmers used to hang them
in their barns, ward off witches.

That one. I know, I'm on it.

I was watching you.
You're behaving so suspiciously.

I'm surprised nobody's guessed.

Why haven't you found it yet?

Keep your voice down.

THROUGH TEETH: When are you going
to find it?

No gold has ever been found
before lunch.

Ever.

If I'd have dug it up this morning,
they'd have smelled a rat.

That's rubbish.

Ideally, it'd be the last signal
of the day.

Gold usually is.

I'll know when the time is right.

That one. I know, I've got it.

I didn't realise you were actually
going to bury the gold.

Could you have not just had it
in your pocket

and dropped it in the hole?

Oh, bloody hell.

That's a MUCH better idea.

What a fool.

VEHICLE APPROACHES

Unbelievable.

Well, hello there.

Didn't know the DMDC was
still going.

This is OUR rally.

Go on, get lost.

You're not welcome.

I believe it was an open invitation.

You greedy pigs!

You didn't find those coins.

Neither did any of you.
They fell out the trees.

Truth is, when we heard the DMDC
didn't have the correct paperwork

in place, we had to distance
ourselves from you.

You must understand that to share
the reward money with the DMDC

would mean we condone
your behaviour.

We were in a corner.

We needed that money to save
our Scout hall.

Do you know how many clubs
and societies use that hall?

Oh, Sheila.

You're breaking my heart.

You're shaking my confidence daily.

Go on. Hop it.

If the National Council for Metal
Detecting were to find out

you held a rally on land
you had no right to be on -

if someone were to tell them -

well, they might just strip you
of your licence.

This is Craig.

He helps us out.

Oh, hello, Craig.

Shall we?

Did I see you detecting backwards
earlier?

Just trying something out.

Oi, where'd you get that?
Found it.

Call 'em 'ag stones.
I know what they call them.

Farmers used to hang them in
their barns to ward off the witches.

I know what farmers used to do...

I think I might pop that
on the finds table.

Eyes only.

Hardly a find, is it?

Should have left it where it was!

DETECTOR BEEPS

Hey!

Over here!

Ah, it's nothing.

All right, Lance?

Anything?

Nothing much to speak of, really.

You?

Late 20th-century pocket drop.

Bunch of keys.

£1.22.

And a Nokia 5110.

Look at that! Yeah. Ha.

Yeah, I haven't seen one of them
in years.

My first mobile was one of these.

DETECTOR SQUEAKS

Hugh!

Come over and check your signal
for me.

Right there.

SUSTAINED TONE

You want to dig that?

This was fashion accessory
of the year in 1999.

Got mine in '98.

What's the circuitry
in one of those?

What sort of signal reading
did you get?

HUGH: Terry! Russell!

Come and have a look at this!
What's that?

Louise! Varde! Is...

Is he dancing?

It's gold!

Bloody hell!

EXCITED COMMOTION

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa. Careful, careful.

Just stand back. Stand back.

Give it some room.

What have we got, Andy?

About six inches down,
popped straight out.

We are going to need tape cordons
and GPS coordinates.

TRANSMISSION DOUBLED: Terry for
Sheila. Sheila, do you copy? Over.

FEEDBACK WHINES

Sh...

Oh. Forgot to give her
the other unit.

Sheila! Cordons!

First things first,
we need to get that into

a humidity controlled environment.
Where's Lance?

Oh, it's all right. I can see Sheila
coming with some tape.

Where's Lance?

Find something significant?

I think I might have.

Congratulations.

Did you check your hole?

Hugh? Could you?

SUSTAINED TONE

No way.

DETECTORISTS CHEER

So, you can hold it there. We'll
take some more away if we need to.

So, what are you going to do,
Jobless?

Sign on?

I don't know.

I'm going to take a year.

Try and turn Mum's mid-century
museum into a home.

Hang out with Stan.

I don't know.

Maybe try and learn something new.

Hey! Come down!

Come and detect the spoil heap!

Do you want to?

I don't detect spoil heaps.

Vulgar.

Do you think they'll be OK?

Yeah, he'll get over it.

It was a good thing he did.

Andy's so excited.

I know. Look at him.

He's in his element. Mm-hm.

FAINT BATTLE DIN

Are you ready, Lance?
Shall we leave them to it?

Yeah.

You're very welcome.

Why is there a party at Uncle Terry
and Auntie Sheila's house?

You remember I told you all
the things we found in the field

went to the big museum in London?

And the metal detecting club is
getting all the reward money.

Will Lance be there?

I hope so.

Has he really not been
metal detecting for a whole year?

So he says.

Unless he's been out secretly.

You know how you don't get to keep
the gold that you found?

Yeah, sadly.

We don't have to be sad.

No?

No, because I made you some treasure
at Saturday Club.

Did you?

Wait till you get an eyeful of this.

Oh!

Wow!

That is magnificent.

Do you like it? I LOVE it.

Do you know who'd love it
even more than me?

Who? Uncle Lance.

He loves treasure.

I reckon he'd put this
on his special shelf

with all his favourite finds,
if you asked him.

Can I give it to Uncle Lance?

Oh, yes.

You wait till you see his face.

He is going to love this.

Oh, there they are.

Hello, Lance. Hello, Toni.

We're just having a photo done.

Terry, move in a bit.

Ah, ah. That's it.

Now, Andy, hold your hands
like this.

What we doing? Do we have to go
through all of this, Russell?

Can't we just take the photo?
Hold on. This is going to be good.

OK. And smile.

Ha-ha, ha-ha!

Hey, there she is, folks.

65 big ones to renovate the Scout
hall, starting with the kitchen.

And then on Saturday,

a press conference
at the British Museum,

where all the findings will be
revealed to the world.

Pity we can't all be there,
but I'm sure our two star members,

well, they'll be great ambassadors
for the club.

So, please, raise your glasses
to Andy and Hugh.

Cheers, boys. Cheers! Cheers.

Hey. Hello, mate.

Look at that.

Cheers. 65,000. Look at that.

Lemonade, Louise?

Varde?

No, you're all right.
We're all set, thanks, Sheila.

Craig, lemonade.

Thanks, Sheila. Very kind.

Yeah, so, soon after they fired me,

they changed their name again.

From Terra Firma
to Absolut Hunters.

Oh, come on. You're kidding me.

No E in "absolute".

Like the vodka.

Wankers.

They got new bomber jackets
with "AH" on the back.

Arseholes.

Exactly.

Who's that? Uncle Russell.

And who are they?

Auntie Louise and Auntie Varde.

When's your new kitchen arriving
for the Scout hall, Terry?

Oh, couple of weeks. Yeah.

And we'll be very glad
of your new-found joinery skills

when the time comes, Becky.

But I do have a skip coming
on Saturday.

So anyone who's free and wants
to lend a hand dismantling

the old kitchen, filling a skip,
the more, the merrier.

And who's that?

Uncle Hugh. And who are they?

Uncle Lance and Auntie Sheila.

In terms of safety,

you don't need to keep this
refrigerated.

The main components are tomatoes
and vinegar, and they preserve it

at room temperature,
cos of their natural acidity.

All right, Lance?

Can I have a word?

All right, Hugh?

Um, I was wondering if you'd take
my place on Saturday

at the press conference.

Why?

I want to help out with the skip.

I love skips.
I don't want to miss it.

That's rhubarb, Hugh.

I know what you're doing,
and it's very kind of you.

You're a good lad. I'm 38.

It should be you and Andy
who go there.

No, really, I don't want to miss
that skip.

Seriously?

Well, thanks, but, uh...

I have plans for Saturday.

Oh.

No, you don't.

I might have.

Well, you don't. Because you told me
in the car on the way over here.

Swallow your pride.
Go and talk to him.

All right? All right?

Get to find out on Saturday
if we were right about the battle.

Yeah. Exciting.

Sorry it's just the two invites.

Hugh reckons he's not going.

Really?

He likes skips. Yeah?

Well, then, YOU can come. Ah...

I'm busy, I'm afraid.

Meeting.

What sort of meeting?

General meeting.

Nothing you can get out of?
Doubtful.

Well, I'm catching the 8:30
from Henburystone.

Stan, Uncle Lance is here.

He made you something
at Saturday Club.

I-I don't want it. Stan, come
and show Uncle Lance what you made.

I don't want it.

Hello, Stan.

What the devil is that?
Is that for me?

I made it. It's great.

What is it? Treasure.

Because you didn't find any gold.

Oh, right, I see.

He wants you to put it
on your special shelf, Lance.

You mean the shelf on which
I display my best finds

and most treasured possessions?

Yeah, that shelf.

Ask him how long he'll keep it for,
Stan.

How long will you keep it for?

Well, I'll level with you, Stan.
I'll keep it for three weeks.

How long is three weeks?

21 days precisely.

So that's, um...

29th of August.

Fair enough.

Good lad.

ENGINE REVS, BRAKES SQUEAK

TRAIN HORN BLARES

All right? All right.

You're cutting it fine.

Car wouldn't start.

Been watching University Challenge?

I keep half an eye on it.

Did you see the episode...?
Questions on Sutton Hoo?

That's the one.

Episode 5, about 13 minutes in.

Unbelievable.
What a bunch of ignoramuses.

Not a single correct answer.

I assume you got them all right?
Yes. Easy.

Me too.

Easy.

Excited to see your gold again?

Hey, did you see the landowner,
Kevin, on The One Show?

He's come out of his shell.

I read he might be doing Strictly.

So, who do you think will be there?

Journalists, academics.
Everyone, I reckon.

Archaeology is
the new rock and roll.

All the big hitters will be
interested in this one.

Do you think...she'll be there?

Professor Alice Roberts?

It's not impossible.

Ready? Born ready.

Oh, excuse me.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen,
please, um...

..please come on forward.
There's some seats here to fill up.

Yes. Free up some space. Thank you.
Lovely to see you.

Good, good. Yes. Excellent.

Everybody in? Good.

I'd like to introduce Professor
Stephen Drinkwater from the

Early Medieval Collections
and Jennifer Maynard

from the
Portable Antiquities Scheme.

CLEARS THROAT

So to begin, is it too early to be
renaming the Battle of Braintree

the Battle of Danebury?

Well, the evidence is
extremely compelling.

It makes a very good argument
for that very....

You're all right.
You're all right.

You're all right.

Right.

ALARM BEEPS

Oh, there we go.

That'll be the press conference
starting down in London. Yeah.

Andy said he'd give us a shout
when it's all finished.

Right.

This is being picked up later today,
so we don't have much time.

Let's try and fill it,
and let's be ruthless.

Anything we don't need goes
straight in there.

Come on, then.

This inscription, we believe,
when complete, would have read,

"Gregoriouis Mekhet Gerikan."

"Gregory had me made."

And we now believe
that this is a panel

from an early Christian reliquary.

As many of you know, Augustine
of Canterbury was sent

by Pope Gregory to convert King
Ethelbert of Kent to Christianity.

And he came - so writes
The Venerable Bede -

with many gifts, including a gilded
box containing a holy relic.

Now, according to Bede, this relic
was subsequently taken into several

battles, but we can find
no reference of what became of it.

So what relic
would it have contained?

Again, there's nothing documented
about its contents.

Most commonly, these reliquaries
claim to hold a bone fragment

or a piece of the True Cross.

But it's that old adage, if
all the pieces of the True Cross

were gathered together, there'd be
enough timber for 100 crosses.

LAUGHTER

Thank you.

Thank you very much indeed.

The only visual reference
we can find for a reliquary

of this period is depicted
as containing a bejewelled chalice,

presumably the so-called Holy Grail.

But as I say, the contents
of these reliquaries were largely

symbolic, and Christ at the Last
Supper would certainly not

have been handing around
a golden chalice.

LAUGHTER

The real Holy Grail would have much
more likely been a simple clay cup.

What happened to the cup?

I don't know.
Have...have you still got...?

I'm just trying to think.

What did I do with it? I...

I found it. And then I...

Argh! I threw it to you!

I threw it back.

It was on the finds table.

I remember you put it on the
finds table that following Tuesday.

Yes. And Louise took the piss.

So what happened to it after that,
did you take it back?

I don't know. Think!

What do you suppose I am doing,
NOT thinking?

Shut up!

I've never thought so hard
in all my life.

Russell drank his tea from it. Yes!

And then the week after, he trimmed
his beard, he looked years younger.

He must have been washed up
in the Scout hall kitchen.

The kitchen that everyone's
currently throwing into a skip.

Hell and blood!

PHONE VIBRATES

Can you help with this?

CROCKERY SMASHES

Careful, Varde. What was that?

Do you want to sweep up those pieces
before someone treads in it?

Are we getting new crockery?

Oh, yes.

Matching cups and saucers
for everyone from now on, Rus.

Shall I chuck these, then?

Well, just see if there's anything
in there that's good enough

for the charity shop first, eh?

Tessler, give me a ring back
as soon as you get this message.

There was a cup, a clay cup,
on the finds table.

Might be in lost property.
It might be in lost property.

But just don't throw anything away,
Tessler.

And give me a ring back
as soon as you get this message.

So you didn't declare it. You didn't
record the GPS coordinates.

You didn't even take a photo.

It was just a cup.

You said it was from Colchester.

I thought it was. There we are.

It probably was.
This is ridiculous.

Why are we even talking about it?

Are we seriously entertaining the
idea that we might have found...?

PHONE RINGS

Tessler?

A what?

Look, sorry. You're breaking up.

Hello...

Signal.

What should I do with these, Terry?
What's in there?

Anything interesting?

Nah, nothing of interest.

Chuck it, I reckon.

Or leave it on the side

in case anyone else wants
another look through.

PHONE VIBRATES

Hang on.

Hello, Lance. Sorry, mate.
We got cut off there.

I don't know what happened. Terry.

Terry? Hello?

No, I can hear you.
Can you hear me?

Terry? Yeah, I can hear you.
Can you hear me?

I can't hear him.

Ah...

Er... Ah!

Argh!

ENGINE STARTS

BANG

What's that?

I forgot to pay the car park.
Good job.

Bag!

You're all right.
You're all right.

You're all right.

Stop! Wait! Wait!

Don't let it go! What?

What? You just...

What's going on?

Has he gone? You finished?

Yeah. Why?

Everything? It's all...
You've cleaned everything out?

What have you lost?

Nothing. Nothing.

LANCE WHEEZES

Should have gone
to the landfill site.

It might have been obvious where
they dumped the most-recent stuff.

Oh, mate.

That way, madness lies.

Imagine trying to explain
that one to Becky.

You've just got to let it go.

Assume it wasn't what we don't
really believe it was anyway.

Don't we?

Don't we think it could have been?

VOICES ECHO: Oi, archaeology.

Eyes only.

Oh, nice. Look at that.

That's a cup.

Oh, really? Anything else?

Looks like Colchester ware.
Somewhere near Colchester.

HUBBUB

QUIET PRAYER

WHEELS RATTLE

CRIES OF BATTLE

THUNDERCLAP

SWORDS CLASH

No, mate.

That way madness lies.

That way too, huh? Afraid so.

It's a minefield of madness.

Pub? Go on, then.

Ah, probably better we didn't find
the Holy Grail.

Imagine all the... Hullabaloo?

Right old brouhaha.

Do you feel that?

RUMBLING

What IS that?

I dunno.

Sonic boom? Fracking?

Have to ask the interweb.

RUMBLING CONTINUES