Original subtitles

BIRDSONG

FIERCE SHOUTING

SWORDS CLASH

HORSES BRAY

BIRDSONG

This programme contains some strong language.

Morning.

It's Kevin, is it? Yeah.

So, metal detectors, are you?

Detectorists.

Metal detectors are in the boot, all ready to go.

So, drawing up a contract, as discussed, outlining our agreement

that anything of any value is split

and you, the landowner. I'll have a look.

Was wondering if you could sign that now, actually, Kevin.

Better to get the paperwork in place before we get started.

Well, OK.

So, which fields we allowed in?

to the river is ours.

Winter barley is already in at Brentford Road.

But, otherwise, go where you like.

And nobody's ever searched here before, to your knowledge?

Metal detectors?

Detectorists, yeah.

Well, thanks again. Cheerio.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you ten acres of prime pay dirt,

freshly ploughed, and months till the crops go in.

Bring it on.

You're very welcome.

There are some guys mending

but they won't bother you.

Just tell them you're the metal detectors.

through the lonely earth for me?

and bramble

Oi! Archaeology.

Eyes only.

Oh, nice. Look at that.

That's a...

That's a cup.

Oh. Really?

Anything else?

Uh, yeah, that...

Made somewhere near Colchester.

That's great, completed.

Looks like it's got some age to it. Ah.

You like crockery. You keep it.

I don't want it. It's yours. You found it.

Oh...

Not too bothered about kitchenware.

I'm looking for metal.

LOW RUMBLING

RAPID BEEPING

Not happening?

What's that? The Scooby-Doo van?

Mystery Machine, yeah.

Here.

Yeah. You know what that is?

I THINK I know what it is. Sword pommel.

That's what I was going to say. You didn't give me a chance.

You know what period?

BOTH: Saxon. Bloody hell.

Something for the finds table at last.

You going along Tuesday? What's happening?

Terry's giving a talk on ground mineralisation.

Sounds unmissable.

Tell you what, come round at 6:00.

How's Toni?

Yeah, yeah...

OK.

Moved out a couple of weeks ago now, back to her boat.

How's that feel?

Ah, can't lie.

Good to have the place to myself.

She'll still come and stay,

I've got my hobbies, my stuff.

All my habits.

She missed her boat.

Why are you going this way? There's roadworks up ahead.

Oh, shit.

Sorry, mate. You want me to turn around?

Actually, can you pull over a minute? Yeah.

ECHOING:

CHEERING AND CLAPPING

There's soup in the kitchen

what you're doing.

JAR CLINKS

HE SIGHS

Andy, is that you?

Can you turn over the fish fingers?

Yeah. Hello.

Stan, Daddy's home!

Daddy! Hello, sunshine.

You're 18.

No, I'm not. I'm seven.

How old? Seven.

Well, you're too big to be carried.

Did you find anything? I did, actually.

I'll show you what I found.

How did the interview go?

It went all right.

I knew everyone on the board, it was all the school governors.

The fish fingers!

BECKY CHUCKLES

Where'd you find your jar of pipes?

I went to the cottage.

I found it behind some beams.

How was it?

Really overgrown, stinging nettles.

Sad. But not sad as it was.

So, if you get this job, a headteacher's wages are, what,

substantially more? Why?

I think we should take the cottage off the market.

Why? I want to try again.

Rebuild it.

We were doing so well before the fire.

It's gone, Andy. There's nothing left of it.

We could sell this place, move into a flat for a couple of months

while the structure goes up, or even a static home,

then we can live on site. We were just doing so well.

And I was doing that online

Seems a shame to give up on it.

What did you find with your metal detector?

I'll show you what I found. Part of a sword.

What part? You know the blade of a sword, the long, shiny,

all the cutting and stabbing?

Yes.

Well, not that bit.

At the other end of a sword is a thing called a pommel.

Imagine that at the end of a sword.

LANCE SINGS ALONG TO MUSIC

MUFFLED MUSIC PLAYS

Let myself get

MUSIC STOPS

And the thing is, it's nothing fancy.

could mean either a military base

or the site of a battle.

Go on.

Battle of Braintree. 599 CE.

Raedwald of East Anglia versus Ethelbert of Kent,

and the first recorded

So writes the Venerable Bede.

But...the Christians are coming from Canterbury

and the pagans from Rendlesham.

Why do they meet all the way over there?

You think they met somewhere around here?

and a more likely one.

Why's it called the Battle of Braintree?

Well, it was when the farmer mentioned Brentford Road.

Brentford would suggest a ford through the River Brent.

But that river isn't called

The Blackwater. Exactly.

So, I delved a bit deeper. Guess what it was called in Saxon times?

Could it possibly be...?

River Brent, from where Braintree gets its name.

Huh.

is talking out of his arsehole.

Let's not talk about this at the club tonight.

And I've been thinking.

Let's play down the, uh, new permission, in general.

Play it down how? Everyone knows about it.

when they see my sword pommel.

Uh, cupboard or fridge?

Cupboard, you fool.

What about NOT putting your sword pommel on the finds table this week?

What?

It'll just get everyone all excited.

thing I've found in a year.

That's a potential Find of the Month.

Well, it's only the first Tuesday.

You can wait two weeks, it'll still qualify.

Oh, man. I was looking forward to showing that off.

else turns up next visit,

and then we can present a body of evidence.

Where's that painting Stan did for you? What's that?

Stan did you a painting at his Saturday Club at the Scout hall.

Must have chucked it out.

Chucked it out, why? Didn't you like it?

Well, it was fine. It was a kid's painting.

I liked him giving it to me. I liked the gesture.

But three weeks on the fridge -

Three weeks?

You want me to keep all of them forever?

Your fridge is a fire hazard.

Mate. Oh, sorry, mate.

I-I wasn't thinking.

Do you write a best-before date

On a Post-it note.

Listen, about playing it down, I just want us to have

a proper search before the hordes come sniffing about.

If they ask where it is, just...

..be vague.

that bears grave news.

That doesn't bode well.

Grave news seldom does, Russell.

It involves the future of this hall and all the societies

and clubs that use it.

Long story short, developers

And the council are saying, unless we raise the funds

for refurbishment, this building will be demolished

and the land sold.

Added to which, it has also been confirmed that,

despite our appeals, we are

for the 162 Roman gold coins that fell out of a tree

at our rally on Church Farm.

As you know, we, um, subsequently discovered that the land

had been sold to the solar company,

and we as a club had no permission

Yeah, and Simon and bloody Garfunkel did, so...

Much as it pains me to say it, those two -

Terra Firma, or the Dirt Sharks, or whatever they're calling themselves

these days - are claiming the finder's share of the reward.

some serious fundraising

if we're going to keep this place.

Maybe it's finally time for the naked calendar.

Well, I-I was thinking more

of a rally to begin with, Russell.

You know, with an entrance fee.

some really good land to detect on.

How's your new permission, Lance? Andy?

Yeah, yeah. I...

I don't know, uh...

Don't hold out much hope on that one, Terrence. No?

uh, recce's disappointing.

Hmm.

Yeah, well, one rally isn't going to be enough to save this place,

but it would be a start.

So, any suggestions for a venue will be gratefully received.

Along with any other straws

Tea's up.

Thanks, love.

All right, grab yourselves a cuppa,

and then I'll get started on my talk.

Who found the cup?

Lance did. Eyes only.

Ha!

How much was that detector again,

You know you should get one that actually detects metal, right?

No, no, Louise. Any detectorist worth their salt

should regularly be picking up eyes-only finds.

You should be using all your senses,

constantly scanning the ground

Pottery can tell you a lot about a location. Uh-huh.

Great many gold finds are eyes-only.

Because, Hugh...?

Um, cos gold doesn't corrode?

Good lad.

Comes out of the ground

Right.

Are we ready for this evening's lecture?

Ah.

LANCE YAWNS

I noticed you were being very secretive about

your new permission there, chaps.

No, uh... Thing is, Terry...

he-he's a bit wary.

We need to tread carefully. He only wants us on there.

Oh. He said that, did he?

Yep.

Yeah, he did.

He said, for now, at least, he'd prefer it was just us.

Hmm.

All right, Becks? Been out this evening?

Yeah, saw some friends.

All right, Terry? How'd your talk go? What was it again?

Oh. Uh, the pros and cons of calibrated balance versus

with ground mineralisation.

Breathtaking. Intoxicating.

Ignore the sarcasm, Becky.

I think it was very informative.

And how did your Battle of Braintree theory go down?

What's this now?

Uh, you're getting mixed up.

Am I...getting mixed up?

Yeah. Yeah, that... that was something else.

The Battle of Braintree?

599, Raedwald versus Ethelbert.

What about it?

I'm sorry, Terry.

Uh, yes, Becky, I think you'll find the Battle of Braintree

took place in Braintree.

ANDY CLEARS THROAT

"You're getting mixed up." How fucking patronising!

I'm sorry. It was Lance, he doesn't want anyone to know

Because he found the farm, he wants to detect it himself.

So you're keeping it a secret?

Oh, Jesus. You're like kids.

You're a qualified archaeologist, Andy. Well, what does that mean?

seriously?

The way you were enthusing about it.

Why aren't you trying to get funding for a dig or something?

This is my hobby.

You know what happened with the archaeology, I got disillusioned.

All those years studying, you qualify, you do one job,

and then you chuck it all in. What a waste of time!

Two jobs. And why is it a waste of time?

I've still got all the knowledge. Yeah, what do you use it for?

on metal detecting forums.

Is this how you feel? How long have you been feeling like this?

Oh, I don't know. I'm probably not.

I'm just pissed off you made me look like an idiot in there.

But when you talk about moving us

so you can build a house,

while you talk about learning to thatch -

online, for God's sake.

You're not a thatcher or a builder.

You're an archaeologist!

There's no money in archaeology.

either!

LANCE ON PHONE: Yello?

All right, mate? Uh...

Any chance you could get the afternoon off work?

I was going to head over to the farm.

Uh... Hang on a sec.

once I've done these 'shrooms?

Mum's been taken into hospital again.

Yeah, OK.

I'll pick you up at yours, uh, midday?

Copy that.

You did what?

Why?

when I'd next get the chance.

You had 14 days to declare that find.

Why'd you have to do it so quick?

Teacher's pet.

It's at the bottom of a pile this big. It'll be months

before you see it again, too.

And you can forget Find of the Month.

You better not have told them about the Battle of Braintree.

Just left it at reception.

DETECTOR SQUEAKS

METALLIC CLINK

DETECTOR SQUEAKS

LOW RUMBLING

DETECTOR BEEPS

What was that? Thunder?

I don't know. Earth tremor?

Whatever it was, it came at exactly the same point

as a beautiful clear...

Yeah, me too.

Right when it happened. What...

What'd you find? You won't believe it.

Another one, almost identical.

Shit.

You were right.

This can only be the site of a battle.

That's not all I found. Look.

That's a bridle fitting, strap end.

Yeah. Buckle.

And, uh... Well, that's part of a spur.

Things were popping up all over the place.

They were leaping out of the

I've never known a day like it.

This is massive.

Just think of it.

All that history, right there...

..under the Bodie.

Bodie?

Bodie and Doyle, soil.

Speaking of which, I suppose we need

Professionals?

What, archaeologists?

Yeah. Shouldn't we?

This is massive, you said so yourself. We need to tell someone.

Get a team down here. We ARE the team.

We can do it ourselves.

We're careful, diligent.

Archaeologists can't excavate a whole field.

What are they going to do, put down a trench?

In a battlefield?

No, this site needs to be detected by detectorists.

No, we don't.

Not yet.

Please, Andy.

Look, let's just the two of us do it, just for a little bit longer.

It's the best permission we've had in years.

DETECTOR BEEPS

LOW RUMBLING

Andy!

DETECTOR BEEPS

Mate?

What you got?

Nothing.

Oh, I thought you called me.

You looked like you had something. Concentrating.

Ah, turned out to be nothing.

Uh...

It's, uh...

Uh...

Lead.

Lump of lead.

Oh, well.

Can't really complain. It's been a good day.

Pub?

Yeah. Uh, no.

Well, I've, am...

and do something.

Uh, better get off.

Oof.

Found a buckle and a strap end in the same hole.

Found a buckle, checked again, another signal. Amazing.

Huh.

All of mine were pretty much within four inches of the surface.

ENGINE ROARS Uh-huh... You're driving fast.

We're under the speed limit.

It just feels fast cos we're close to the ground in this car.

than you usually do?

Am I? I hadn't noticed.

All right if I drop you here?

Here? Yeah.

OK.

Well, it's just a bit further on.

Yeah. OK. Cheers for the lift.

TYRES SCREECH

You drove off with my detector, you prick.

Can you make sure it doesn't stay in the boot all night?

And can you give it a wipe down with a damp cloth?

And can you make sure it's fully

And give me a ring back or a text, so I know you got this message.

DOOR OPENS, KEYS JANGLE

Oh, hey. You're home early.

I didn't get the job, so I took the rest of the day off.

Oh, shit. Who got it?

Don't know them.

Ah, well.

Bloody Lance drove off with my bloody detector.

I was going to give it a coat of wax tonight.

"Ah, well"?

Sorry. I was distracted.

I gave in my notice.

What? Like, as in...?

You know what "I gave in my notice" means, Andy.

Means I've resigned.

OK, wow. Why are you saying it like that?

Like what?

Please don't make this about you, Andy, for Christ's sakes.

You didn't want to check with me first? Ugh.

What happened to discussing things and figuring them out together?

It was spur of the moment.

But the minute they told me

I hadn't got the job, I realised I was relieved.

It was a weight off my shoulders.

I don't want to stay in that same place,

with more work and more responsibility.

Change from me?

BECKY SIGHS

SOBBING: That's not what I said, Andy...

I love you, but...

..I'm so tired.

I haven't stopped.

Not after the fire.

And dealing with all her affairs, it's been...

SHE SNIFFLES

It's been exhausting.

I'm so tired.

I need you to help me, Andy.

I need you to step up.

SHE SOBS

Gree... Greeden...

..my. Gregormy.

Gregormy.

PHONE BUZZES

Oh...

Hi, love.

Hmm?

No... No, don't-don't...

Don't come... don't come round.

I-I-I'll meet you at the pub.

All right. Yeah.

All right, love.

OK. See you soon.

Yeah.

Mm. Me, too.

HE SIGHS

Ah.

Gregormy... Greg-or-my...

Greg-or-me...

Ah.

Gregorme...

KNOCK AT DOOR

Ah...!

Who is it? It's me - Andy.

All right?

All right, mate?

You not going to invite me in?

Thing is, I was just getting ready to go out and see Toni.

Well, can I get my detector?

I haven't got your detector.

You drove off with it, you bastard.

I left you a message.

Oh, yeah. I-I saw you rang. I haven't listened to it.

I'll go get the key.

ANDY SIGHS

I lied to you.

I DID tell the archaeology service about the Battle of Braintree idea,

and they're really interested.

I knew you did.

Teacher's pet.

So, that's that, is it? They'll soon be down.

their little trowels and brushes.

Brush me off my own permission.

They said the sword pommel wasn't enough to go on, but if something

of significance were to turn up, then there might be funding

available for an excavation.

including three sword pommels,

IS significant. And you wouldn't be turfed off your permission

because I want to go back to work.

I want to be part of the team that does the dig.

And you can, too,

Very noble of you.

This is Becky's doing, isn't it?

Becky's DOING?

What, like a spell?

We talk about stuff, and we talked about me going back to work,

and we decided it was a good idea. She didn't put a curse on me.

I don't think three sword pommels IS very significant.

I think it's little more than a coincidence. What?

What about "this is massive"?

What about "all that history under the Bodie"?

a few interesting bits.

Do what you want.

I'm going to be late. Got to go and meet Toni.

Mate, come on. This is important to me.

I'm telling the club on Tuesday.

I'm going to put all my finds

Do what you want.

Hello, you.

Hi, love.

Sorry. Have you been here long? Uh...

Five minutes. You're all right.

Expecting someone?

QUIETLY: I need you to take

Look after it on your boat.

Stash it somewhere safe.

What's in it?

I can't tell you.

No, then.

Pardon?

Sorry, you're asking me to hide a briefcase?

No, I won't.

What's in it?

Just something I found metal detecting.

Well, it's obviously not just something you found,

or it wouldn't be in a briefcase.

Why is it in a briefcase?

Where did you get a briefcase from?

You can't tell anyone.

I've broken protocol...badly.

Oh, I see.

Shiny. Yeah.

Gold.

What is it?

Don't know.

Can't find out.

Is that writing?

What does it say? I don't know.

Can't find out.

How have you broken the protocol?

I hid it from Andy.

Didn't tell him.

Why not?

Because he wants to call in the beards, and it's my permission.

into a proper organised dig.

He's talking about going back to work in archaeology,

and he thinks he's going to head a team that's going to discover

the site of a major historic battle.

Well, that all sounds amazing.

it does, yeah.

How else might you put it?

It's my permission. I found that permission.

I want to do it with MY metal detector.

Lance, listen to yourself.

This sounds like an incredible

It sounds really exciting. For you, as well.

Just tell him.

Show him the gold.

I broke it.

He'd never trust me again.

Can't you find it again?

What?

Find it again.

make sure Andy sees you find it.

I could.

I-I-I COULD find it again.

Even better. Have loads of witnesses,

hold one of your detecting rallies.

Find the gold, take the glory,

and then do the right thing

and the beards, as you call them.

I'd have to dance.

Hmm?

I'd have to fake a convincing gold dance.

At a rally, it'd be expected.

Do you want me to help you work something out?

I could...

..throw a few moves together, make it look spontaneous.

Not too slick.

TONI LAUGHS

Well, this is unprecedented.

The first time we have ever had to extend the finds table.

THUD!

Hello, Russ.

You look well.

I didn't know you played squash.

Just taken it up.

Oh. Hello. You had a trim?

Just a tidy-up.

Wahey! Look at this.

AMERICAN ACCENT: You're going

You know, like in Jaws.

Whose is all this?

Lance and Andy's new permission.

Well, you know what all this is saying to me?

It's saying, site of potentially great importance.

Yeah, well, I've got a theory

I've been looking into it, and I think it would be worth

informing the archaeology service. I agree.

Do you?

Yeah. Makes sense.

I-I was wondering, Terry,

if we were to detect the whole site

just below the surface,

give them a better idea of where to put down their little trenches.

Do you reckon you could get us ALL on that permission?

Yeah, I've already spoken to Kevin.

Gave him a bell.

What's this?

Yeah. Don't you think? Share the wealth?

How quickly can you scramble a rally, Telford?

This weekend? Sunday?

I think it's eminently doable.

What are you doing?

I thought it was what you wanted. That's not what I said.

"Get loads of people down there."

Yeah, archaeologists.

You said yourself, the archaeologists will only come

if we find something significant.

better chance we have of finding it.

Then you can invite all your beardy bum chums.

Hmm, what, £5 fee? What'd you reckon, tenner?

LIVELY HUBBUB

Hi, Andy, how are you? I'm well, thanks, Toni.

Pardner, got a gold dance ready?

Got a good feeling about today.

Does everyone want to start gathering around?

That's it, folks.

Welcome, everybody.

Now, first things first.

for sharing their permission.

The lunch whistle will be blown at midday precisely.

And, Russell, I believe you're going to read the blessing for us today.

Our farmer, who art named Kevin,

furrowed be thy plain.

Saxon, Roman, unearthed

so it isn't hidden.

Give us permission this day to tread

so we won't be trespassers,

as trespassing leaves

a bad taste among us,

and lead us not into frustration,

but deliver us medieval.

whatever the weather.

Amen.

ALL: Amen.

DETECTOR BEEPS

through the briny sea for me?

who can never sing again

Follow me

WHISTLE BLOWS

Marked the spot with a big lump

It's called a hag stone.

Farmers used to hang them in their barns, ward off witches.

That one. I know, I'm on it.

I was watching you. You're behaving so suspiciously.

I'm surprised nobody's guessed.

Keep your voice down.

THROUGH TEETH: When are you going to find it?

No gold has ever been found before lunch.

Ever.

If I'd have dug it up this morning, they'd have smelled a rat.

Ideally, it'd be the last signal of the day.

Gold usually is.

I'll know when the time is right.

That one. I know, I've got it.

I didn't realise you were actually going to bury the gold.

in your pocket

and dropped it in the hole?

Oh, bloody hell.

That's a MUCH better idea.

What a fool.

VEHICLE APPROACHES

Unbelievable.

Well, hello there.

Didn't know the DMDC was

This is OUR rally.

Go on, get lost.

You're not welcome.

I believe it was an open invitation.

You greedy pigs!

You didn't find those coins.

Neither did any of you. They fell out the trees.

didn't have the correct paperwork

in place, we had to distance ourselves from you.

You must understand that to share the reward money with the DMDC

would mean we condone your behaviour.

We needed that money to save our Scout hall.

Do you know how many clubs and societies use that hall?

Oh, Sheila.

You're breaking my heart.

You're shaking my confidence daily.

Go on. Hop it.

Detecting were to find out

you held a rally on land you had no right to be on -

if someone were to tell them -

well, they might just strip you of your licence.

This is Craig.

He helps us out.

Shall we?

Did I see you detecting backwards earlier?

Just trying something out.

Oi, where'd you get that? Found it.

Call 'em 'ag stones. I know what they call them.

their barns to ward off the witches.

I know what farmers used to do...

I think I might pop that on the finds table.

Eyes only.

Hardly a find, is it?

Should have left it where it was!

DETECTOR BEEPS

Over here!

Ah, it's nothing.

All right, Lance?

Anything?

Nothing much to speak of, really.

You?

Late 20th-century pocket drop.

Bunch of keys.

£1.22.

And a Nokia 5110.

Yeah, I haven't seen one of them in years.

My first mobile was one of these.

DETECTOR SQUEAKS

Hugh!

Come over and check your signal for me.

Right there.

You want to dig that?

This was fashion accessory of the year in 1999.

Got mine in '98.

What's the circuitry in one of those?

What sort of signal reading did you get?

Come and have a look at this! What's that?

Louise! Varde! Is...

Is he dancing?

It's gold!

Bloody hell!

EXCITED COMMOTION

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,

Just stand back. Stand back.

Give it some room.

What have we got, Andy?

About six inches down, popped straight out.

We are going to need tape cordons and GPS coordinates.

Sheila. Sheila, do you copy? Over.

FEEDBACK WHINES

Sh...

Oh. Forgot to give her the other unit.

Sheila! Cords!

First things first, we need to get that into

Where's Lance?

Oh, it's all right. I can see Sheila coming with some tape.

Where's Lance?

Find something significant?

I think I might have.

Congratulations.

Did you check your hole?

SUSTAINED TONE

No way.

DETECTORISTS CHEER

So, you can hold it there. We'll take some more away if we need to.

So, what are you going to do, Jobless?

Sign on?

I don't know.

Try and turn Mum's mid-century museum into a home.

Hang out with Stan.

I don't know.

Maybe try and learn something new.

Hey! Come down!

Come and detect the spoil heap!

Do you want to?

Vulgar.

Do you think they'll be OK?

Yeah, he'll get over it.

It was a good thing he did.

Andy's so excited.

I know. Look at him.

He's in his element. Mm-hm.

FAINT BATTLE DIN

Shall we leave them to it?

Yeah.

You're very welcome.

Why is there a party at Uncle Terry and Auntie Sheila's house?

You remember I told you all the things we found in the field

went to the big museum in London?

getting all the reward money.

Will Lance be there?

I hope so.

Has he really not been metal detecting for a whole year?

So he says.

Unless he's been out secretly.

You know how you don't get to keep

Yeah, sadly.

We don't have to be sad.

No?

No, because I made you some treasure at Saturday Club.

Did you?

Wait till you get an eyeful of this.

Oh!

Wow!

Do you like it? I LOVE it.

Do you know who'd love it even more than me?

Who? Uncle Lance.

He loves treasure.

I reckon he'd put this on his special shelf

if you asked him.

Can I give it to Uncle Lance?

Oh, yes.

You wait till you see his face.

He is going to love this.

Oh, there they are.

Hello, Lance. Hello, Toni.

We're just having a photo done.

Ah, ah. That's it.

Now, Andy, hold your hands like this.

What we doing? Do we have to go through all of this, Russell?

Can't we just take the photo? Hold on. This is going to be good.

Ha-ha, ha-ha!

Hey, there she is, folks.

65 big ones to renovate the Scout hall, starting with the kitchen.

And then on Saturday,

a press conference at the British Museum,

where all the findings will be

Pity we can't all be there, but I'm sure our two star members,

well, they'll be great ambassadors for the club.

So, please, raise your glasses to Andy and Hugh.

Hey. Hello, mate.

Look at that.

Cheers. 65,000. Look at that.

Lemonade, Louise?

Ward?

No, you're all right. We're all set, thanks, Sheila.

Thanks, Sheila. Very kind.

Yeah, so, soon after they fired me,

they changed their name again.

From Terra Firma to Absolut Hunters.

Oh, come on. You're kidding me.

No E in "absolute".

Like the vodka.

They got new bomber jackets with "AH" on the back.

Arseholes.

Exactly.

Who's that? Uncle Russell.

And who are they?

Auntie Louise and Auntie Varde.

When's your new kitchen arriving

Oh, couple of weeks. Yeah.

And we'll be very glad of your new-found joinery skills

when the time comes, Becky.

But I do have a skip coming on Saturday.

So anyone who's free and wants to lend a hand dismantling

the more, the merrier.

And who's that?

Uncle Hugh. And who are they?

Uncle Lance and Auntie Sheila.

In terms of safety,

you don't need to keep this refrigerated.

and vinegar, and they preserve it

at room temperature, cos of their natural acidity.

All right, Lance?

Can I have a word?

All right, Hugh?

Um, I was wondering if you'd take my place on Saturday

Why?

I want to help out with the skip.

I love skips. I don't want to miss it.

That's rhubarb, Hugh.

I know what you're doing, and it's very kind of you.

You're a good lad. I'm 38.

who go there.

No, really, I don't want to miss that skip.

Seriously?

Well, thanks, but, uh...

I have plans for Saturday.

Oh.

No, you don't.

I might have.

in the car on the way over here.

Swallow your pride. Go and talk to him.

All right? All right?

Get to find out on Saturday if we were right about the battle.

Yeah. Exciting.

Hugh reckons he's not going.

Really?

He likes skips. Yeah?

Well, then, YOU can come. Ah...

I'm busy, I'm afraid.

Meeting.

What sort of meeting?

Nothing you can get out of? Doubtful.

Well, I'm catching the 8:30 from Henburystone.

Stan, Uncle Lance is here.

He made you something at Saturday Club.

I-I don't want it. Stan, come

I don't want it.

Hello, Stan.

What the devil is that? Is that for me?

I made it. It's great.

What is it? Treasure.

Because you didn't find any gold.

He wants you to put it on your special shelf, Lance.

You mean the shelf on which I display my best finds

and most treasured possessions?

Yeah, that shelf.

Ask him how long he'll keep it for, Stan.

Well, I'll level with you, Stan. I'll keep it for three weeks.

How long is three weeks?

21 days precisely.

So that's, um...

29th of August.

Fair enough.

Good lad.

TRAIN HORN BLARES

All right? All right.

You're cutting it fine.

Car wouldn't start.

Been watching University Challenge?

I keep half an eye on it.

Did you see the episode...?

That's the one.

Episode 5, about 13 minutes in.

Unbelievable. What a bunch of ignoramuses.

Not a single correct answer.

I assume you got them all right? Yes. Easy.

Me too.

Easy.

Hey, did you see the landowner, Kevin, on The One Show?

He's come out of his shell.

I read he might be doing Strictly.

So, who do you think will be there?

Journalists, academics. Everyone, I reckon.

the new rock and roll.

All the big hitters will be interested in this one.

Do you think...she'll be there?

Professor Alice Roberts?

It's not impossible.

Ready? Born ready.

Oh, excuse me.

please, um...

..please come on forward. There's some seats here to fill up.

Yes. Free up some space. Thank you. Lovely to see you.

Good, good. Yes. Excellent.

Everybody in? Good.

Stephen Drinkwater from the

Early Medieval Collections and Jennifer Maynard

from the Portable Antiquities Scheme.

CLEARS THROAT

So to begin, is it too early to be renaming the Battle of Braintree

Well, the evidence is extremely compelling.

It makes a very good argument for that very....

You're all right. You're all right.

You're all right.

Right.

ALARM BEEPS

That'll be the press conference starting down in London. Yeah.

Andy said he'd give us a shout when it's all finished.

Right.

This is being picked up later today, so we don't have much time.

Let's try and fill it,

Anything we don't need goes straight in there.

Come on, then.

This inscription, we believe, when complete, would have read,

"Gregoriouis Mekhet Gerikan."

"Gregory had me made."

And we now believe

from an early Christian reliquary.

As many of you know, Augustine of Canterbury was sent

by Pope Gregory to convert King Ethelbert of Kent to Christianity.

And he came - so writes The Venerable Bede -

box containing a holy relic.

Now, according to Bede, this relic was subsequently taken into several

battles, but we can find no reference of what became of it.

So what relic would it have contained?

about its contents.

Most commonly, these reliquaries claim to hold a bone fragment

or a piece of the True Cross.

But it's that old adage, if all the pieces of the True Cross

were gathered together, there'd be

LAUGHTER

Thank you.

Thank you very much indeed.

The only visual reference we can find for a reliquary

of this period is depicted as containing a bejewelled chalice,

presumably the so-called Holy Grail.

of these reliquaries were largely

symbolic, and Christ at the Last Supper would certainly not

have been handing around a golden chalice.

LAUGHTER

The real Holy Grail would have much

What happened to the cup?

I don't know. Have...have you still got...?

I'm just trying to think.

What did I do with it? I...

I found it. And then I...

Argh! I threw it to you!

I threw it back.

I remember you put it on the finds table that following Tuesday.

Yes. And Louise took the piss.

So what happened to it after that, did you take it back?

I don't know. Think!

What do you suppose I am doing,

Shut up!

I've never thought so hard in all my life.

Russell drank his tea from it. Yes!

And then the week after, he trimmed his beard, he looked years younger.

He must have been washed up

The kitchen that everyone's currently throwing into a skip.

Hell and blood!

PHONE VIBRATES

Can you help with this?

CROCKERY SMASHES

Careful, Varde. What was that?

Do you want to sweep up those pieces

Are we getting new crockery?

Oh, yes.

Matching cups and saucers for everyone from now on, Rus.

Shall I chuck these, then?

Well, just see if there's anything in there that's good enough

Tessler, give me a ring back as soon as you get this message.

There was a cup, a clay cup, on the finds table.

Might be in lost property. It might be in lost property.

But just don't throw anything away,

And give me a ring back as soon as you get this message.

So you didn't declare it. You didn't record the GPS coordinates.

You didn't even take a photo.

It was just a cup.

You said it was from Colchester.

It probably was. This is ridiculous.

Why are we even talking about it?

Are we seriously entertaining the idea that we might have found...?

PHONE RINGS

Tessler?

A what?

Hello...

Signal.

What should I do with these, Terry? What's in there?

Anything interesting?

Nah, nothing of interest.

Chuck it, I reckon.

Or leave it on the side

another look through.

PHONE VIBRATES

Hang on.

Hello, Lance. Sorry, mate. We got cut off there.

I don't know what happened. Terry.

Terry? Hello?

Can you hear me?

Terry? Yeah, I can hear you. Can you hear me?

I can't hear him.

Ah...

Is... Ah!

Argh!

ENGINE STARTS

BANG

I forgot to pay the car park. Good job.

Bag!

You're all right. You're all right.

You're all right.

Stop! Wait! Wait!

Don't let it go! What?

What's going on?

Has he gone? You finished?

Yeah. Why?

Everything? It's all... You've cleaned everything out?

What have you lost?

Nothing. Nothing.

Should have gone to the landfill site.

It might have been obvious where they dumped the most-recent stuff.

Oh, mate.

That way, madness lies.

Imagine trying to explain that one to Becky.

Assume it wasn't what we don't really believe it was anyway.

Don't we?

Don't we think it could have been?

VOICES ECHO: Oi, archaeology.

Eyes only.

Oh, nice. Look at that.

That's a cup.

Looks like Colchester ware. Somewhere near Colchester.

HUBBUB

QUIET PRAYER

WHEELS RATTLE

CRIES OF BATTLE

THUNDERCLAP

SWORDS CLASH

No, mate.

That way too, huh? Afraid so.

It's a minefield of madness.

Pub? Go on, then.

Ah, probably better we didn't find the Holy Grail.

Imagine all the... Hullabaloo?

Do you feel that?

RUMBLING

What IS that?

I dunno.

Sonic boom? Fracking?

Have to ask the interweb.

RUMBLING CONTINUES