All language subtitles for the.last.movie.star (2017) srt

Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome
movie star extraordinaire,

Vic Edwards!

I think people
are always fascinated

about how people
get into movies.

I gather your first screen test

was a fair-sized experience.

Yeah, it was. My, uh...

My screen test was

sad and funny.
I hope it's funny.

I went into 20th Century Fox
on an interview.

First guy said,
"You have a very good face,"

and he said, "We'd like to do
a screen test of you."

Then I thought,
"Man, I'm gonna be a star."

So on the day
of the screen test,

I'm gonna get a haircut.

So I duck into this barber shop

at 7:00 in the morning

and I say to the guy, uh...

"Give me a haircut and shave."

I'd never had a shave
in a barber shop before.

And the guy had
never given one before.

And he gave me the worst haircut

you've ever seen in your life.

And then he... There was cuts
all over my face.

And I had pieces of toilet paper

pasted all on my face.

That was my test.

And I wondered
why they didn't sign me

for a seven year contract.

That was my introduction
to the movies.

Yeah.

Squanto.
Squanto Edwards.

Well, his kidneys
are completely shutting down.

He's not responding
to the diuretics anymore.

And you know had to take him off

the ACE inhibitors
for his heart disease

because it's making
his kidney damage worse.

His body
is basically poisoning itself.

I mean, he's 15,
so he's not really a candidate

for something more aggressive
like a transplant.

What would you do,
if it was your dog?

I'm afraid we're out of options.

I'd have to let him go.

Yes.

Well...

Do you mind if I

say good-bye to him alone?

Yeah, of course. We'll give
you a minute to say good-bye.

Eh...

Phew...

Mmm.

- Nice view, huh?
- Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm.

I always loved yoga.

Oh, yeah. Thinking I'm having,
uh, palpitation.

Mmm.

Say, Vic, did you hear

that Jerry Renner
died yesterday?

Oh, that's too bad.

Yeah, he was a nice guy.

No, he wasn't.

He was a putz.

Oh, here.

Forgot to show you this.

This was sent to me.
What do you think?

I don't know
how they got my address

but they sent it to me.

This is the International
Nashville Film Festival.

You're being honored.

"This year is being dedicated
to honoring you

"and your impressive
body of work.

"It's about time.

- Ah, so what?

- We would like to invite you
to join us for a retrospective

of some of your greatest films

"followed by a gala ceremony
where you'll be presented

"with our prestigious
Lifetime Achievement Award."

Look who the previous
winners are,

Robert De Niro, Jack Nicholson
and Clint Eastwood.

And it says here
all expenses are paid.

That's a country music town,
that's not a film town.

No, no, no, no.

Nashville has become very hip.
Very hip.

Well, that's what I'm worried about.
My hip.

Sitting on an airplane
for too long a time,

what if I get a clot in my butt?

Look, I've heard
of this film festival

and I know
this is a prestigious award.

And I don't think you're gonna
get a clot in your butt.

Look, I'm just saying
if you don't go,

you're a bigger asshole
than I ever thought.

Well, I guess you would know.

You've made
such great career moves.

Nice. Schmuck.

Good morning!
And where are we off to today?

- Nashville.
- Nashville, huh?

That's a great live music town.

You gonna kick
those heels up a little bit?

Well, a very little bit.
There you go.

- Thank you, Mr. Edwards.
- Mmm-hmm.

There you are. Okay.

I'm gonna have to ask you
to get in this line over here

'cause this one is for
first class passengers only.

Holy cow.
But I am first class.

Yeah? Then why the hell
are there pictures of you two

hugging and laughing
all over her Facebook page?

Oh, bullshit!

Don't tell me
I'm being irrational.

You told me you were going there
with Andrew and you lied.

It's just a simple fact.

If you're just friends,
then why lie?

Oh, you're so full of shit.

You must think I'm the biggest
idiot on the planet.

Look, I can't talk about this
right now. I'm working.

I do, too, have a job.

I'm picking up some
old asshole for my brother.

I don't know who it is.

I mean, what, do you think
I Google'd him or some shit?

- Oh, what?
- Hi. I'm Vic Edwards.

- Oh, Mr. Edwards.
- Yeah. Yeah.

I... I have to call you back.

- Hello, Mr. Edwards.
- Hi.

Um, welcome to Nashville.
How was your flight?

Was it delayed?

I mean, I've been
waiting here forever.

You've been waiting here
forever my ass.

Now where is my limo?

I don't know anything
about a limo.

- Really?
- But I'm Lil McDougal,

your personal assistant
and chauffeur

for the duration of the weekend.

We're off to a great start,
aren't we?

Bjorn, shut up. I'm working.

- Come on!
- Hmm?

Sorry. Sorry.
Come on. Let's go.

All right.
We'll get you checked into the hotel,

but there's no time to relax.

We've got to get
to the film festival in time

for the opening ceremony and
we're running late already.

Whose fault is that?

This is an upgrade?

What's wrong with it?
Look, it's got a kitchen.

This is a kitchen?

Are you familiar with the term
"false advertising"?

Yeah.

Well, I was promised
first class accommodation.

I've got a good mind to have you

take me back
to the airport right now.

It's like I'm on Candid Camera.

Is this really a film festival?

Dude, there's a film festival
and if you don't like

your accommodations because
they don't measure up

to your big
Hollywood expectations,

don't gripe to me.

I'm just your assistant 'cause
I'm the one with the car.

Take it up with my brother.
It's his stupid film festival.

- I'll meet you in the lobby.
- You call that a lobby?

Your key. Really?

I've seen phone booths
that were bigger than that.

See you soon. Can't hear you.

Yeah, right, right, right.

What a shithole.

Don't be crazy.

You're there already.
Just enjoy it.

Enjoy it? You should see
this rat hole.

It smells like piss
and Pine-Sol.

Well, you should feel
right at home then.

Those boutique hotels
are always small

but they're very hip.

There's nothing hip or
boutique about this place.

And my assistant, my God.

She's just a basket case
on wheels.

Oh, just relax, Vic.

It's one lousy weekend and
you'll get to the festival,

everybody will spoil you.

You'll feel like a big shot.
How bad can it be?

De Niro, Clint.

There must be something to it.

I guarantee you Clint
didn't stay in this shithole.

Oh, stop it.

I'll talk to you later.

I'm sorry about that.

You are such an asshole!

Well, I was just sitting here
and the book was here...

I'm not talking to you.

No, I am talking to you, Bjorn.

Shut up for a second.

I'm on the phone, Mr. Edwards.

Yes, I can see that.

Hello?

Bjorn?

Hello?

Dammit!

What the hell is this?

This is the festival.

But it's a bar.

Yes. So what?

There he is.

Oh, my gosh. Mr. Edwards.

I can't believe it.
Oh, my gosh.

Vic Edwards!

Oh, man, I can't tell you

how excited we are
to have you here.

I'm Doug McDougal.

We spoke on the phone, remember?

- Yeah. How are you?

- I'm so good. I can't tell you what
it means to us that you're here.

We're such fans.

Let me introduce you to
my partner, Shane McAvoy.

We have been best friends
since birth,

so the first time
I saw any of your films,

it was with this guy right here.

- Really? Wow.
- Yeah.

Mr. Edwards, sir, your films
have influenced me greatly.

Your performance in
Siege at the Alamo

was a revelation of

gradation and dynamism
and nuance.

Gradation, dynamism, nuance?
Sounds like a law firm.

Seriously, I get choked up

even just thinking about
that scene

where you're cradling
the dying Robert Mitchum.

And you say,
"Mr. Crocket, sir,

"it's been my privilege

"defending Texas
side by side with you."

All right, wrap it up, Shane.

This is Stuart. He's a local
filmmaker here in Nashville.

He actually shot all the promos

for the festival
that are playing online.

Did you get a chance
to catch any of those yet?

No, I haven't, but I will.
What time do they come on?

It's like I'm on Carson.

Mr. Edwards, it is
the greatest honor of my life

to be seeing you through
my viewfinder right now.

I'm making a documentary
about this historic event.

And, of course,
you know my sister Lil,

who, in addition to being

your personal assistant for
the weekend, is an artist.

She actually made
the logo for the festival.

Well, she was very handy.

Well, she's been called worse.

Uh, let's get you over
to the red carpet.

So what is he like?
What'd you guys talk about?

Did he tell you any stories?

Oh, yeah. It was great.

He told me how much
he hated the coach ticket

and how much he hated the hotel

and how much he hated my car.

And that the film
festival is in a bar.

Yeah, he's a total dick.

I have no idea what
you guys are so obsessed with.

Maybe we should watch some of
his movies together some time.

Yeah, I got to be
honest with you, Shane.

I'm dealing with some shit
with Bjorn right now,

so could you just run along?

I'm not asking you on a date.
I'm just saying that...

Yeah, that's great. Thanks.

- Vic, you were great!
- Welcome to Nashville!

- I'm sorry to, um...
- Who's that?

Mr. Edwards,
it's so nice to meet you.

I'm a huge fan.
My dad loves your movies.

Okay, now, Mr. Edwards,
if we could, right this way.

- Okay.
- I'd like to introduce you

to our social media director
and my better half.

- This is my girlfriend, Faith.
- Hi, Faith.

Hi. Wow.
It's so exciting to meet you.

All Doug keeps talking about
is Vic Edwards, Vic Edwards.

And FYI, on Instagram,
Snapchat and Pinterest,

my name is FaithVonAwesome

but on Twitter, it's Faith,
underscore, VonAwesome.

Someone else beat me to it.
But that's okay.

And our Vines are hilarious.

And our Facebook page
already has, like, 200 likes,

so just feel free to
just invite all your friends.

And, FYI, we've got a few
hashtags going, hashtag INFF,

hashtag Nashfilm,
hashtag ViclnNashville.

So just feel free
to hashtag away

on any of your pics
that you post, okay?

- Thank you.
- Can I get you a drink?

Yeah, I'll have a whiskey.

Aye, aye, sir. Okay.
Okay.

All right, Faith, actually, just
bring it on into the theater.

Um, we've got tot get going.

We've got a lot of movies
to get through

before the big awards ceremony
on Sunday.

The screening room
right around here.

There's actually a lot
of local contest winners

and fans that are already
in there, waiting.

Excuse me.

He's here.

All right.
Thank you, everybody,

for coming to the fifth annual

International Nashville
Film Festival.

Yeah.

You know, we've been doing this
for a number of years now,

but I have to say, it's never
been more exciting for me

than this year because we have
with us our guest of honor,

the number one box office star
for five years in a row.

- Six.

- Six. I'm sorry.

- That's all right.
- Six years in a row.

Tennessee's favorite son.
Movie star extraordinaire.

Everybody, give it up
for Mr. Vic Edwards.

So, Vic, the opening movie
of the festival tonight

is your 1961 classic,
Nine Lives to Kathmandu

for which the Hollywood
Critics Association

awarded you Best Newcomer
of the year.

That's the only time I ever
agreed with the critics.

Oh, thank you. One second.

Oh.

All right.

Thank you.

So, yeah, Vic, like I said,
if you have any stories

or anecdotes about the
making of that film,

I think we'd all love to hear 'em.

I have a question.

Please save any questions for
the Q&A after the film.

Well, Kathmandu was a B-picture,

which means it didn't cost
much to make.

Somehow,
it shot right to the top.

One minute,
I was a two-bit stuntman

and then the next minute,

I was the toast of the town.

Hollywood can do that.

Wants to build you up,

they can do it fast.

And if they want you
to crash and burn,

they do that even faster.

Speaking of stunts, it is true
that you doubled Burt Lancaster

in Gunfight at the OK Corral?

Dammit, Shane. I said
no questions till the Q&A.

That's all right.
Nobody doubled Burt.

But I did double somebody
in that picture

and that was Rhonda Fleming.

I had to fall off a horse
in a dress.

All right. Well, I don't know if it's
gonna get a lot better than that

so let's begin the festival.

Yeah!

Excuse me.

No, I've given you everything
and you still cheated on me!

You cheated on me! Asshole..

You cheated on me!

I've given you everything!

But you still
cheated on me with her.

Look at you, wearing those shorts

with your ass hanging out

with that stupid idiot
at this stupid place.

What place? You're always
screwing my friends!

- I don't mean to.
- You're an asshole!

- Get out!
- Ahhh!

You're a downer, all right?

You're the one who
cheated on me! I hate you!

You can't do this!
How dare you?

After everything!

You got shit taste for men,
you know that?

Yeah? Tell me about it.

Next time some guy
gives you a hard time,

just jab him in the throat,
right in the Adam's apple,

you know, with these
four fingers.

Right there.

He won't talk
for quite a few days.

Yeah, well, it's not some guy.

It's Bjorn, my boyfriend.

Well, ex-boyfriend

now.

- Bjorn?

- It's Swedish.

I know. It's Swedish for "shit".

Has he ever put his hands
on you before?

You know, whatever.
I mean, he has to date me

and I'm crazy so.

Ah. So it's your fault?

'Cause you're crazy.

Yeah, you know what?
You don't get anything.

And I don't need psychoanalysis

from some has-been actor
from Hollywood.

And speaking of Hollywood,

why the hell are you even here?

Well, I'm only here because

Clint and Jack
and Bobby De Niro all came.

- Clint Eastwood?
- Mmm-hmm.

- Jack Nicholson?
- Yeah.

Yeah. Mr. Edwards, this is

the International
Nashville Film Festival,

not the Nashville
International Film Festival.

That's the big one. Yeah.
Those guys never came here.

Said on the invite they all won
the same award that I'm getting.

My brother invited them.
He just never got a response.

In the four years
he's been running it,

you are the only one
stupid enough to show up.

Huh.

All right, hey?

Ladies and gentlemen,
Vic Edwards.

Where's Vic?

Uh, okay. Vic must be
in the bathroom or something.

Everybody sit tight. I'm gonna go get him.
I'll be right back. Come on.

- Hey, where's Vic?

- I don't know. He left.

What do you mean he left?

He got up
and walked out the door.

Well, why didn't you come
get me at least or something?

And interrupt the movie?
God forbid.

Dammit, Lil.

- Vic!
- Mr. Edwards.

He wants to be called Vic.

Vic!

- Oh, my God.
- Holy shit. That's awesome.

- Come on, boy. Come on.
- Holy shit.

Dammit.

Here you go. Yee-ha.

Vic.

Hey, Vic.

- Um, Vic, you okay?
- Come on, big boy. Up.

Silver.

Everything all right?

Of course I'm all right,
goddammit.

Look at me. I'm riding like
a son-of-a-bitch.

Go, baby. Yee-ha.

You know what my first job
in movies was?

Falling off a horse.

Great. Uh, what do you say
we go do the Q&A, huh?

He's sloshed, man.

I am not sloshed.

Anybody could fall off a horse,

but a good stuntman can do it
and get up and be okay.

And that is the art.

Oh. Awesome.

Good to know.

Stuntmen never get
the glory they deserve.

I was always envious of them.

I should have stayed a stuntman.

Maybe. Coulda, shoulda, right?

You know, these would
actually be great anecdotes

to tell at the Q&A.

If you want... If you want
to head back inside.

When I was starting out,
all they made were westerns.

I didn't know a damn thing
about Hollywood.

But I did know
how to ride a horse.

So I snuck on the Paramount lot

and when I heard they were

shooting a Hoppy movie,
I walked up to the guy,

shouting the loudest and I said,

"I'm the new stuntman."

Next thing I know,
I'm dressed like an Injun,

riding a caramel stallion
across the Paramount ranch.

And then I hear my cue.

Bang!

And you know what I did then?

Fell off the horse.

Bet I could still do it.

Yell "Bang."

I'm sorry, what?

Yell "Bang."

Bang.

Oh...

Oh, my God.

Hey... Very good, guys.

Careful, Vic.

Oh, shit.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Vic Edwards.

Okay, as promised,
Vic is gonna do a short Q&A.

Vic, your co-star in Kathmandu

was the lovely
and talented Virginia Donovan.

The studio PR department
at the time

played you guys up as an item.

Was there any truth
to that rumor?

Or was that just Hollywood hype?

No, I banged her brains out.

But the rumors that
we were dating was bullshit.

Look,
I'll give it to you straight

because I'm too old
to give you any crap.

When you're famous,
everybody wants to screw you.

So I porked about
every starlet in Hollywood.

Every cover girl.

Every cute extra.
Every hot waitress.

There was one make-up girl
on the set of No Can Do,

what a set of bonkers there.

They should have declared
national treasures.

Probably look like saggy socks
over the menorah now but...

What was the question again?

Uh... All right.
Any other questions?

Yes, Shane.

Um, at the onset of your career,

you were known as
an actor's actor.

You even studied
with Stella Adler.

Yeah. Bitch.

You were compared
to Brando even.

But... somewhere along the way, you started
choosing to do more action-y films

instead of the character pieces.

Why is that?

And is it true that you turned
down Serpico for Johnny Speedway?

Well, you know, it's getting kind of late.
We got a big day tomorrow

so I think maybe, um...

But, you know, he's right.

Pacino, De Niro, Brando.

They picked the right ones.

Bad choices.

Bad choices.

Well, I think, uh,
I speak for all of us

when I say that you definitely
made the right choices

because we love
all your films, right?

Yeah.

Speaking of De Niro,

you sold me a bill of goods,
you little asshole.

I'm sorry, what?

Well, you let me believe
that Clint and Bobby and Jack

all came on to accept
their awards here.

And they never been here.

I never said they came here.
To be clear.

Uh, I just said we had
given them the awards.

What are you
trying to do, humiliate me?

Cannes.
That was a film festival.

Venice,
that was a film festival.

But...

this is just a bunch of losers

watching movies
in their basement.

Screw it.

Holy shit!

All righty, Vic, nighty night.

Lil's gonna be here at noon
to pick you up.

We'll go get some
famous Nashville barbecue

and then we got a big day
of screenings tomorrow.

When you show a movie
on a theater screen,

it's a screening.

But when you project a movie
on the wall,

it's pathetic.

You know,
we're just starting out.

We're doing the best we can
with the money that we have.

Your whole stupid
little festival is a joke.

I get it now.

The joke's on me.
You guys are messing with me.

No, no, Mr. Edwards.
It's nothing like that.

Put it on the YouTube and the
whole world will laugh at it.

Vic, we're your biggest fans.

We would never do
anything like that.

Uh-huh. Well, that's why
this asshole's

following me around
with that camera.

Get that out of my face.

No, no, Mr. Edwards.
Mr. Edwards.

Mr. Edwards, please.

No, no, Vic, Vic, please.

It's a liability thing.
I don't think we should fight.

You're a jerk.

- Doug!
- No. No, Shane.

I've had it. I mean,
he just broke Stuart's camera.

You want to know the real
reason we brought you here?

Yes, because I'm stupid enough
to come.

Because we're fans, okay?
Because we love your movies.

Because we think
you're a great actor.

And we save all our money

and we throw
this film festival every year.

And, yeah, maybe some aspects
of it are a little low rent.

A little?

But I was really excited
when you agreed to come.

Now I wish
that I hadn't even invited you

because you're ruining
the whole thing.

I wish you'd never invited me,
either.

Well, I did!

And you're here.

So,

tough titty.

Ah.

All right, look.

We've got a big day tomorrow,
"showings" of your movies,

so suck it up, okay?

I'm so sorry you've got
to spend the weekend

being loved
and adored by everybody.

How... How terrible.

Nighty-night, guys.
Out. Out. Bye-bye.

Out!

Bye-bye.

Wow. That's a whole new breed
of crazy.

Shut up, Shane.

I'm... I'm so sorry
about your camera.

It's all right, man,
it's the school's.

They insure it.

Man, I told you the wording on
that invitation was deceiving.

He must be
a really unhappy person.

I heard he could be kind of
an a-hole but that was nuts.

I guess artists
are just emotional creatures.

Tortured souls.

But, I mean, what's there
even to be unhappy about?

He's Vic Edwards,
for Christ's sake.

He's made love
to so many beautiful women.

Hmm.

Get over here, Vic.

Huh?

Hello.

Just gonna stand there, Vic?

Just gonna stand there, Vic?

Get over here, Vic.

I love you, Vic.

Get over here, Vic.

You just gonna stand there, Vic?

Get over here, Vic.

Hello?

Please tell me you're with Vic.

- Who?
- Dammit, Lil.

Are you still asleep?
I can't believe you.

Oh, shit. Shit, shit, shit.

You were supposed to pick Vic
up at the motel 10 minutes ago.

Yeah, well, that's funny

because I am almost
at the motel.

Beep your horn.

- Hmm? - Prove to me that you're
in your car. Honk your horn.

Oh, shut up, Doug.

I'll be there in, like,
15 minutes.

- Mmm.
- Cut it out, Bjorn.

I have to get to work.

- You have to get to work?
- Yes, I do.

What is that?
Driving some old man around?

Can he not wait 15 minutes?

Quit looking
so pleased with yourself.

I'm still pissed at you.

You got a funny way
of showing it.

You didn't seem too pissed at me

a couple of hours ago.

Okay, it's called a hate bone.

You know you're cute
when you're angry.

No, no. Don't do it.

Oh, it's Doug again.

Babe, babe, I really gotta go.

I gotta go. Okay? Okay.

Lock up when you leave,
all right?

Done.

Jerk.

Bye.

Yes? Oh. Only 25 minutes late.

Come on. Let's get to the restaurant.
The boys are all waiting.

Really?

What happened to your head?

Eh...

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What's this?

You're gonna take me
to the airport

and I'm going back to LA.

But what about Doug
and the film festival?

Uh, what about them?

In the grand tradition
of Nicholson and Eastwood,

I will accept
my Lifetime Achievement Award

in absentia.

Suit yourself.

So how's Bjorn?

Wouldn't know.

I see.

I suppose you just
gave yourself that hickey

on your neck then.

That was there before.

No, it wasn't.

You're a pretty nosy old guy,
aren't you?

I don't know
if nosy is the word.

When you get to be my age,

there are clear cut delineations

between what is acceptable
and what is unacceptable.

What he did was unacceptable.

Oh, I get it.

So I guess your behavior
last night was acceptable.

I mean, to be honest with you,
you're being pretty shitty.

I could give two shits about
Doug's little film festival.

But you are being very uncool.

Well, that's life.

He'll get over it.

Are you always
this much of an asshole

or just to lowly peons like us?

No. I'm pretty much
always a big asshole.

Wow, cool. Must be so
liberating to live your life

not giving a shit about
anybody but yourself.

Take the next exit, all right?

Why? The airport's ahead.

I can see that,
but take the next exit.

To Knoxville?
It's a three hour drive.

What time's your plane?

I'll reschedule it.

Okay. I can't just
up and go to Knoxville.

I got things I gotta do.

Bjorn can wait.

I was promised
an assistant and a car

for the whole weekend.

There are things
I gotta take care of.

Now, go.

Don't you think we ought to
slow down a little?

We're liable to get pulled over.

Cute.

Goddamn son-of-a-bitch.

Goddamn, it's a Texas Mountie.

What the hell's he doing
in Arkansas?

I think you better pull off
to the side, Vic.

Well, let's just see
what he's got under the hood.

Bye, bye, baby.

Vic, take it easy.

I may be old
but I'm not ready to die yet.

What the hell's
the matter with you?

We could have been killed.

You think you're gonna
live forever?

Uh-huh.

Look, I know you think

- you've got it all figured out right now.
- Well, I do some crazy things.

Well, listen to me.
You're on a collision course.

You're about to make
a lot of bad life decisions.

Really?

I can help you
before you throw it all away.

Too late now!

Noo...!

My current doctor
is better than most.

I still get the freakouts
and the crying belts

for hours and hours
on end every once in a while.

But I stopped having seizures
and I stopped cutting myself.

Wow.

Now I'm really depressed.

It was really bad for a while.

I was convinced the only way out

was to kill myself.

Kill yourself? Are you crazy?

Yes.
Haven't you been listening?

Killing yourself
is the most selfish thing

a person can do.

Well, I didn't do it, did I?

Well, don't.

You know what's depressing?

Growing old.

That's depressing.

You know what your problem is?

What?

You need to lighten up and
appreciate what you've got.

'Cause pretty soon, bang,
it passes you right by.

Oh, it's just that easy?

Right.

That is so ignorant.

I'm not depressed.
I have depression.

It's different.

Having depression
is having a mental illness.

It has to be medicated.

Bullshit.

You gotta be a fighter.

Things get you down,

you pick yourself up
by your bootstraps

and you just trudge forward.

You're one to talk.

I see you popping pills
all the time.

That's because I'm in pain.

Well, so am I.

What do you take for it?

Well, I was on Abilify,

which is a mood stabilizer
for bipolar disorder,

but it felt like fireworks
were going off

in my brain 24/7,
so I tried Trileptal.

But that caused me to sleep
for two solid weeks.

And I was taking that
with Lexapro,

which is an antidepressant,

but that turns you
into a fat zombie.

And then I tried Zoloft,
which kills your sex drive,

and that's just not gonna work.

Klonopin is an anti-anxiety,

but that put me to sleep
for 10 hours, too.

And Lamictal,
which is similar to Lithium,

gave me a bad rash
all over my body,

which was so not cute.

Then they put me on Seroquel,
an antipsychotic,

which also put me into
a deep sleep for hours on end.

So they put me on Provigil,
which is a stimulant

that kept me up and focused,
which is good.

In fact, I had to try
several stimulants

before settling on Provigil.

Adderall, Vyvanse,

but those all make you
act like a coke addict.

The Suboxone gave me
scary hallucinations

and caused me to throw up
all over the house,

which, like I said before,
is super cute.

I'm currently
on a cocktail of Provigil,

Ativan, which is for anxiety,

Prozac for my depression, which helps
clear the fog from my brain a little bit.

And an Enzyme patch,
which is an MAO inhibitor.

I mean, it helps but I can't
eat chocolate when I'm on it,

which is depressing unto itself.

Can I help you?

Should you be driving?

And we're here because...

Because that's where I grew up.

We drove three hours
just so you could come

and see your old house?

Yeah.

You got a problem with that?

You are so corny.

Yeah, that's true.
Very true. Huh.

Whatever.

I feel like
I'm in a time machine.

Everything looks the same.

Smells the same.

- Like dogshit.
- Exactly.

I swear my mother's gonna
walk out that door

and she's gonna say,

"Marty, get your tuckus
inside for dinner."

Marty?

Martin Schulman.

Nice to meet you.

Hold on. Your real name's
Marty Schulman?

Are you kidding me?

Nobody from my day
kept their Jewish name

if they wanted
a career in Hollywood.

Tony Curtis' real name is
Bernie Schwartz.

Who's Tony Curtis?

Never mind.

Can I help you two?

Yes, ma'am. I know you think
we're some crazy people

standing out here
staring at your house but...

Are you Jehovah's Witnesses?

No, ma'am.

I actually used to
live in this house.

I happened to be in the area

and I wanted to take a little
walk down memory lane.

Oh.

Must have been a long time ago because
we've been here over 40 years now.

That's a long time.

Well, this house
has been pretty good to us.

We raised many a child
and grandchild ourselves here.

You know, they say that, um,
old actor, Vic Edwards,

actually grew up in this
house here, too.

No kidding.

Ma'am, this is Vic Edwards.

Oh, I be damned!

You know how many times I told
people you grew up in this house?

I didn't even know
whether it was true or not.

And here you are.
My God, here you are.

Can I hug you?
Can I hug you?

- Well, please, I'd love it.
- Oh, my goodness.

Oh!
I can't believe this.

Here you are. The Vic Edwards.

Oh, memories.

I can't believe this.

Do you know what?
My brother and I

used to come tearing down these
stairs, three steps at a time.

I don't know why
we were in such a hurry

but we were racing like it was
the last thing we ever did.

Where are you guys?

I mean, when are you
going to be home?

I have no idea
when I'm gonna be home.

What are you guys doing?

He's on some, like,

weird memory tour
or something. Ugh.

Anyway, he's making me
drive him around

to all these places
from his past.

He's on some, like,
nostalgia kick.

It's so not fair
that she gets to do that.

First, we went to this

old little house
where he grew up

and then we went to the temple
where he had his Bar Mitzvah.

- Did you guys know he was Jewish?
- Yes.

Of course
you knew he was Jewish.

Then we went
to the old pool hall

he used to hang out in,

which is now a cupcake shop,

which he ranted about forever.
And then I said,

"Hey, gourmet cupcakes are
super-trendy now." Didn't care.

And then he had to have a GooGoo Cluster.
I don't know what it is.

Maybe they just don't have
GooGoo Clusters

in LA or something.

- I don't know.
- Mmm. Mmm.

Now we're at Neyland Stadium

and he's just standing there,
staring at the building,

like a mental patient.

They're at Neyland Stadium.

That's ridiculous.

He was the starting tailback for UT
during the 1951 undefeated season.

Anyways, after this, he wants to
go to some old folks hospital

to see his first wife
or something.

And then we should be
on our way back.

This is honestly all your fault.

My fault? How's it my fault?

Because you told him
I was his 24/7 driving slave

for the entire weekend.

Okay, whatever.
Just take lots of pictures

and Instagram them.

- Oh, and hashtag the festival.
- Yeah, right.

- Tell her I said hi.
- Yeah, Shane...

I can hear you.
I'm back with Bjorn.

Anyways, gotta go.
See you when I see you.

Yo.

You leave it.
I'll retrieve it.

Bjorn. Hey, it's me.

Again. Where the hell are you?
I keep calling you.

Anyway, I am still stuck in
Knoxville with this old guy.

I think probably
another hour here

and then it's
a three-hour drive home.

And then I get to see you.

Oh, crap, he's on the move.

I miss you. Bye.

Shit.

It's my buddy.

Mmm.

All right, well,
it appears to be locked,

so we can reminisce
on the way back.

Sucks but we have
a really long drive home.

What? What? Whoa.
What are you doing?

Vic, we can't go on the field.
That's totally not allowed.

Come with me.

I love the smell of cut grass.

Mmm.

1951

I was a sophomore

but I started three games.

Full disclosure,
I mean, I really

don't know that much
about football.

I mean... Anything, actually.

But, to be honest,
I really don't give a shit

about football.

Well, that's your loss.

Sorry.

We were undefeated, going into
the last game against Texas.

They were ahead by two points.

We got down
on the four yard line.

I wanted the ball.

I went up and over and I scored.

And then I heard
this horrible racket.

The whole damn Texas team
landed on me.

When they pulled them off,

my knee was a mess.

I could never play again.

That sucks.

Yeah, it did.

Well, it's fun
being a movie star,

but nothing compares
to being a football star.

Nothing.

He's in! He's in!

Touchdown...

You know something?

This is the exact spot

where I proposed
to my first wife.

Great.

And then everything went wrong.

I had this little ring box,
you know.

And I was so excited
when I opened it.

The ring went flying out,

right into the water.

And naturally,

I jumped in after it.

I never found it.

So I got a piece of seaweed

and I made a ring out of it.

Got down on one knee
and put it on her finger.

And she just thought
that was great.

Anyhow,

she still said yes,
and then we heard music

coming from the dock.

We danced right here.

And then, well,

we always talked about
we'd come back here some day.

But we never did.

Why are we just sitting here? I mean,

let's go in. It's still
a three-hour drive back.

Just wait a second, okay?

It's not that easy.

It's been a long time.

What are you so scared of?

So she's gonna look old.
You look old, too.

I beg your pardon.

Okay, not that you don't
look good for your age.

Oh.

So what's her name, anyhow?

Claudia.

Was she pretty?

She was the prettiest
of them all.

We were just kids.

We had no business
getting married.

I didn't know
what the hell I was doing.

If Claudia's number one,

how many times
were you married altogether?

Five.

- Five?
- Mmm.

Wow.
That's a lot of alimony.

You're telling me.

A buddy of mine told me once,

never, ever get married.

Just skip the middle man,

find a woman you hate,
and buy her a house.

But you're rich right, right? I mean,
aren't all famous people rich?

Ha.

Just 'cause somebody's famous,

that doesn't mean they're rich.

Didn't you have any kids who
could help take care of you?

One, with Claudia.

Grace.

- Grace?
- Mmm-hmm.

That's a pretty name.

I mean, geez, if you guys were
kids when you got married,

she must be, what?
Fifty, sixty years old now.

She's dead.

- Oh, shit.
- Yeah.

I'm sorry.

Should I just not ask
any questions about her?

It's best not to,
if you don't mind.

Aw, shit.

There she comes.

- May I help you?

- Yes. I would like to see
Claudia Schulman, please.

I'm sorry, but visiting hours
ended at 7:00 p.m.

Yeah, well, I came from
Los Angeles to get here, okay?

So let us in.

We'll just be in here for
five minutes. All right?

I'm sorry, but you'll have
to come back tomorrow.

You can have breakfast with her.

- No kidding.
- Yeah.

Could you lean closer?
I can't hear you.

- Lye|ps}
- Hey!

I'm gonna put this
right into your nose.

No. No, you're not.
All right, well, thank you, ma’am.

We totally understand.

Thank you. We will come back
a different day.

I don't know who she is.

Yeah, all right, yeah.

Thank you. Thank you.

- Holy shit.
- Thanks. All right. Let's go.

Vic, are you kidding?

What the hell's the matter with you?

What the hell's the matter
with you, Vic? I mean... it's closed.

She wasn't going
to let us in anyways.

And if you kept doing that,
she was gonna call the cops.

You want to end up on TMZ?

- TM what?
- TMZ.

- What is that?
- Shut up. |...

Oh, bullshit. You just want
to get back to your douchebag.

Bjorn has nothing to do with this.

Oh, really?

That's why you keep calling him
every 15 minutes.

Will you leave the guy alone?

Oh, so now you're on his side?

You know whose side l'm on?

Mine.

I'm not leaving here
until I see Claudia.

Tell douchebag
you'll have to see him tomorrow

'cause we're spending the night
in Knoxville.

Wait, what?

Maybe you're spending
the night in Knoxville,

but l'm driving back to Nashville.

You know you're a pain in the ass.

Yeah, well, so are you.

Bye.

What are you doing?
Where are you gonna go?

- Where are you going?
- I don't know.

Just away from you.

Get in the car.

Why?

'Cause l'm gonna stay the night
with you in Knoxville.

I don't want to be responsible
if, God forbid,

something bad happens to you.

Never hear the end of it
from my brother.

Besides, I think I saw
a Motel 6 back there.

We ain’t staying at a Motel 6.

Can you afford
for us to stay here?

No, but that's the beauty
of credit cards.

Still gotta pay it off
at some point.

Let’s live it up.
I'm tired of feeling like a has-been.

Welcome to the Knoxville
Grand Hotel. Checking in?

Yes, we are.

And the name on the reservation?

Vic Edwards.

I'm sorry, Mr. Edwards,
but for some reason,

I don't see your reservation
in our system.

Really? My assistant here
made it weeks ago.

Oh, uh, yeah, yeah.

I made that reservation weeks ago.

- No harm. One room, two beds.
- One room?

Yeah. One room, two beds.

Yeah, well, I made the reservation
for two rooms. So, two rooms.

How much for two rooms?

Our rooms rates start at $650.

Oh, okay, fine.

- Well, then, uh, one room.
- Okay.

But unfortunately, Mr. Edwards,
we are fully committed at this time.

Interesting. When they say
they're fully committed,

it's always bullshit.

Clint Eastwood walked in,
you think they'd turn him away?

Hell, no. Now, you find me a room.

Please. And thank you.

Perhaps I should get my manager.

- Perhaps you should.
- |'|| be right back.

Oh, what are you doing?

You're gonna get us
kicked out of this hotel.

Mr. Edwards,
l'm terribly sorry for this mix-up.

I’m Gary, the night manager
here at the Knoxville Grand.

I don't know how your reservation
got lost in the shuffle,

but we'd be happy to remedy
that situation right now.

Oh, thank you, Gary.

All of our rooms are fully booked.

I would be happy to give you
that room tonight

for the cost of the standard room.

That's very nice. Thanks, Gary.

Let me get that key for you.

Welcome back to
the Knoxville Grand, Mr. Edwards.

God bless you. Thank you.

Thank you, Gary.

- You're welcome.
- All right. Let's go, Vic.

- You ready, kid?
- Oh, l'm ready.

All right, Mr. Edwards.

He didn't have a reservation.

Oh, I know.

Then what’s with
the ass-kissing routine?

Who‘s Vic Edwards?

He’s a living legend.

Oh, my God.

This thing is bigger
than the house I grew up in.

- Yeah. You like?
- Ah! Do I like it?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, my God, and this bathtub
is even bigger than my car.

Oh, well. That’s big, I guess.

Oh, my God. They have a bidet.

I thought they only had
that crap in, like, Tokyo.

What?

I just figured out what that was

'cause at first I thought it was
just a guys' bathroom stall.

I can't believe these bedrooms.

I call dibs on this room!

I can't believe we're here.

Oh, my God.
I have to go look at this closet.

Oh, my God. Hal

I can't believe you used to stay
in these places all the time.

Oh.

Doug is going to freak out.

We have to lnstagram
the hell out of this.

- Whoa.
- Ohl

What the hell is that?

That was amazing.
I've never had room service before.

Oh, that's one of the perks
I miss the most.

Fancy hotel rooms
and room service.

- Vic the Dick.
- Yep.

You're lucky l'm in a good mood.

This is you in a good mood?

I'd hate to see you in a bad mood.

What do you do with your art?

Besides draw festival logos
and insult people.

Nothing, really.

Why don't you have a showing?

Try and sell something.

| can't just roll up my sleeves
and throw an art show.

Use the bar.

If it's good enough for a film festival,
it's good enough for an art show.

- | get embarrassed.
- Mm-hmm.

Doug loves to be the center
of attention, and I don’t.

Gives me anxiety.

Nothing wrong with being
the center of attention.

I'd rather be famous and broke
than rich and nobody.

Instead, l'm broke and nobody.

That's the worst combination.

Why can't you
just live in the present

and stop looking
in the rear-view mirror?

All I ever hear from you
is "I was rich," "I was famous,"

I was this, l was that.
How about "You are"?

It's easier said than done,

especially when your brother's
little film festival

shines such a spotlight
on where l was

compared to how far down
I've come.

It's not Doug's fault
that you're not happy.

Okay, Dr. Freud.

I'll work on me
and you'll work on you.

Deal?

Deal.

- Vic!
- What?

- We have to leave.
- Why?

All right. These are the pictures

I just posted of you and me.

And Shane likes some.
A bunch of people like some.

Then I saw that Bjorn likes some.

And he doesn't have time
to call me back all day.

Yet he had time to check lnstagram.

I don't understand this.

- Will you listen?
- Yes.

So then, I noticed
that one of Bjorn's likes

was also liked by Zoey Campbell.

Okay. Who's Zoey Campbell?

She's the bitch who's been
trying to steal my boyfriend.

The one Bjorn says
they're just friends, right?

So then, I look at her lnstagram

and see that she just happened
to post a selfie an hour ago.

You're way cuter than her.

You got nothing to worry about.

That picture
was taken in my bed.

I put that bottle there this morning.

Will you wait?
Don't give him the satisfaction.

Satisfaction? I am going to kill him

- and then l'm going to kill her.
- Hey! Damn it. Hey!

This is the last time.
I‘m never going to...

Oh, God.

Oh.

Vic, are you all right?

Yeah, l'm fine.
I just got to catch my breath.

Oh, shit. Sorry. Uh...
Oh, you look really pale.

I've looked pale
for the past 30 years.

Okay, no jokes. Do you think
you're having a heart attack?

No, maybe I...

I've had this before.

Well, do you think
we should call an ambulance,

- just to be on the safe side?
- Don't be crazy.

I just need a minute.

Do you want some water?
You know what? Screw it.

I'm gonna go get you some water.
Okay? Stay right here. All right?

Oh, God.

Oh, my God.
You're Vic Edwards.

Gary, look. This is Vic Edwards.

Big fan of yours.
Not just in the movies,

as a football player.
You were awesome.

- Adventure River.
- The FBI.

Operation F8!
Was so good, too.

And the one with the car?

We're both big fans.
We grew up on your movies.

Great to see you.
Love your work.

Whoa! Excuse me!

Hi. Excuse me.
I really need water,

please, right now. Thank you.

Why? What are you doing
with the old guy?

Baby, let me get you a real drink.

An appletini for my future ex-wife.

Oh. Oh, no. Excuse me.

Excuse me. Hi. Have you seen
an old man right here?

He was sitting in that chair. No?

No.

Excuse me.
Uh, have you seen Mr. Edwards?

He was just sitting on the couch
a second ago.

No, I haven't seen Mr. Edwards.

How are you enjoying your suite?

It's wonderful, thanks.

Ladies and gentlemen,

an unexpected surprise:
Mr. Vic Edwards.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

♪ Cuddle up a little closer ♪

♪ Oh, lovey mine ♪

♪ Cuddle up and be my little ♪

♪ Clinging vine ♪

♪ Like to feel your cheeks so rosy ♪

♪ Like to make you comfy cozy ♪

♪ Cause l love you
From head to toesy ♪

♪ Lovey mine ♪

Can you imagine? The Vic Edwards.

- At your daughter's wedding.
- Absolutely.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Thank you. It's an unexpected
honor and treat

to be able to sing
one of my favorite songs

to the new
Mr. and Mrs. Daniel Delson.

What do you do, sir?

I'm a doctor.

Impressive. What kind?

A colorectal surgeon.

Hmm. You know, Mrs. Delson,

you have literally just married
a pain in the ass.

Well, good luck to you
and maze! tov.

How did you know
Bjorn was such an asshole?

You pegged him on sight.

- Well, it takes one to know one.
- Yeah, yeah.

Do yourself a favor.

Steer clear of the bad boys
from now on.

You can't fix us, you can't tame us.

- Okay, bad boy.
- Okay.

What about that kid Shane?
He obviously likes you.

Wow, you pay closer attention
than I thought.

Shane's been in love with me
since fifth grade.

Well, then go out with him.

Try out a guy who really loves you.
You might like it.

Yeah, okay,
Mr. Divorced Five Times.

How much do you really
even know about love?

Were you ever even in love
with anyone but yourself?

Ha ha. I've been in love
about a thousand times.

But real love?

Just once.

Just once.

It was fun
while it lasted, wasn't it, Vic?

We had some great times,
you and me.

You got to do things and see things
that most people just dream about.

- Oh, yeah.
- Where did it all go, man?

And what does any of it mean?

After all these years,
I still can't figure it out.

What the game is about.

Survival. Who has
the ability to survive.

- That's the game.
- Yeah.

Well, l'm surviving. Barely.

I took it all for granted.

I thought I had it figured out.

I look in the mirror now,

and I have no idea
who that person is

staring back at me.

Damn.

You're good-looking.

You know, time is like this river.

No matter what you do or don’t do,

no matter how much you think
you can beat it,

it just keeps rushing by.

You don't beat it.

You don't beat this river.

No, you don't.

Hey, Lil. You know who it is.

Been kind of trying
to call you all night.

Uh, just wondering where you are.

If you're still at that hotel
with that creepazoid old man.

- Anyway, call me back. Bye.

Vic, you are so right.

The more I ignore
douchebag's calls,

the crazier it's making him.

Vic?

Vic?

Vic? Are you okay?

I've watched everyone
I ever cared about die.

One by one, they seem to just...

disappear on me.

It won't be long
before I disappear, too.

No, don't say that, Vic.

You want to know why I needed
to come to Knoxville?

I needed to say goodbye.

Goodbye to the town
that made me who I am.

Goodbye to the trees
I climbed as a kid.

Goodbye to the school that
taught me how to break the rules.

And the streets
I wandered late at night.

The hiding places
where I left all my secrets.

The town...

where I made so many,
many mistakes.

And now it's time
for one... last goodbye.

Okay, Mrs. Schulman.

You have a very nice visitor today.

Mr. Edwards has come all the way
from Los Angeles, California.

Now, the Alzheimer's
may have progressed

a little bit further
than you're prepared for,

but she's still a very sweet lady.

Isn't that right, Mrs. Schulman?

All right, I'm gonna leave you to visit.

Okay.

How's the food here?

Look at us.

Old fogeys.

But you still look beautiful.

You still look as beautiful
as the day I met you.

We have a lot of good memories.

For what it's worth,

I never loved anybody else like you.

Ours was the special one.

The first one.

The real one.

I came here to apologize, Claudia.

I just dealt you...

a lousy hand.

I was a stupid, jackass kid.

All swept up in a crazy dream.

And I just left you and Gracie.

I just left.

I screwed it all up.

If I could go back
and do it again, I would, baby.

I'd do it differently.

You were the one that loved me
before anybody else

even knew my name.

And I treated you like shit.

I got caught up
in all the wrong things

with all the wrong people.

I thought I knew it all.

I thought I had so much time
to make it up.

I thought I could just
snap my fingers

and make things right.

And when Gracie...

killed herself...

That was all my fault, too.

It’s all my fault.

It is.

Oh, darling.

Excuse me. Do I know you?

You really want
to leave me here alone?

- Well, i really want some food.
- Well...

I know I shouldn't stop you, but I...

- l feel safe with you around.
- You do?

Well, learn safe, ain't l?

Well, Justice will be back
in a minute.

Justice ain't you.

Okay, that concludes
our Vic Edwards Film Festival.

We are now gonna give out
our Lifetime Achievement Award

to the great Vic Edwards in absentia.

I'm sure if Vic were here,

he would want to thank all the fans.

Don't put words in my mouth.

For crying out loud.
Good Lord, man.

- Oh, my... Vic...
- Get me a chair.

Yeah, yeah, of course. Right away.

Unfortunately, until today,

the last time I apologized
for anything was in 1977.

| punched out a director
on the set of Horse Power.

Well...

l'm sorry.

I'm sorry for being such an asshole.

Leaving the way I did.

I thought I was too good
for this little film festival, but...

as it turns out,

it's too good for the likes of me.

Winning this
Lifetime Achievement Award

has forced me to examine
an important question

that I've avoided as long as possible.

What have I really achieved
in this lifetime?

Most of the movies I’ve made,

everybody knows the way
they're gonna end.

Right from the first scene.

Life's kind of like that.

- Everybody knows how it ends.
- Back away!

But it's the scenes in the middle...

that make it count.

The great producer
Joseph E. Levine once told me,

"An audience will forgive
a shitty act two

if you can wow 'em in act three."

Well...

l had a hell of an act one.

Pretty shitty act two.

And I screwed up most of act three.

I made certain of that.

But thanks to you,

and thanks to Doug and Shane
and Stuart and Faith.

And especially Lil.

And everybody here.

You've helped me to see

that maybe it's not too late
for my Hollywood ending.

And so, with humility and pride

and deep appreciation

that I, Martin Joel Schulman,

proud son of Tennessee,

humbly accept this Lifetime,

so far,

Achievement Award.

And I'm gonna make damn sure
that the rest of my life

lives up to the honor of this.

Thank you.

Thank you, Doug.

I can't believe you just spent
the whole weekend

in Knoxville with Vic Edwards.

Did he talk about
Murder Can Kill You?

Did he tell you any stories?

Thank you.

- Hmm.
- Bye, Marty.

Hmm.

Uh, Lil? Where do you
want this one?

There.

Yeah.

I told you so.

I know you did.

And you were right.

A Lifetime Achievement.
How can I get one of those?

- Can I rent it?
- I told them about you

and they seemed interested.

Oh, stop it.