Original subtitles

Do you lot not get bored of this?

Like, I appreciate you've got a job to do,

but does it not get a bit boring, just following us two about?

Who is this even aimed at?

Cos no-one we know watches it.

No birthday posts yet.

Well, it is only half five in the morning,

but I would have expected at least a couple of night-hawkers by now.

Night-hawkers are basically people who stay up late on Facebook

and they post just after midnight on your wall.

They get a fuck-off buzz out of it, apparently.

Fuck knows why.

Yes, Grumps.

"Get it together this year, Ker, love, Grumps."

Aw. That's my Grumps, that is.

He looks like a laugh here,

but in real life, he's a nasty old bastard.

Do you reckon

you could sign a card for me?

- For Kerry. It's her birthday.

I don't know. I'm snowed under here, Kurtan.

But it would literally take two seconds.

- Just sign it "Dad". I'll do the rest. - No, can't do that.

- I don't want the emotional implications.

Well, just sign it "Martin", then.

- I can't, ain't got a pen. - I've got a pen here, look.

Give it here.

It's really inconvenient, though, Kurtan.

- You just signed it "M". - Yeah, M for Martin.

Unbelievable.

Here he comes. Here comes postman!

Pretending to walk past my house.

Julian! Julian!

You walking past my house, are you?

No post, is it?

He always does this. He tries to wind me up,

cos he pretends he ain't got any post for me when he actually has,

and he'll just come back.

He's getting in his car.

You're getting in your car, are you? Driving away?

He knows it's my birthday as well. He's such a laugh.

Look at him, he goes to so much effort to try and prank me.

No post for Kerry, no?

He's driving away!

Such a laugh.

He... He's...

...going away.

Yeah. He's not coming back.

That's a shame.

What?!

What?!

Yes, I'll do it later, then!

Yeah, but it's my birthday today!

# Happy birthday to me. #

Well, about five years ago, I sold my birthday to my mum

for about 200 quid,

which means my mum's legally entitled now

to never celebrate my birthday ever again for the rest of my life.

Not even, like, a happy birthday cup of tea, or a Moonpig card, nothing -

which is the worst decision I ever made in my entire life.

Because I got addicted to this mobile phone game

where you basically build a funfair,

and it was, like, a choice between waiting 12 hours for my dodgems to get erected

or spending a fiver on time machine tokens.

So, to cut a long story short,

I basically pissed 200 quid up the wall

in the space of a few hours on virtual nothingness.

The thing is about Kerry's birthday is,

I have to make such a huge effort, because no-one else does.

Like, even when it's my birthday,

I still have to go and get Kerry a present, cos otherwise

she'll just get jealous and sulk, and it just ruins the day.

Hang on, watch this, I love doing this. This is brilliant.

Honestly.

You all right?

You getting on?

Erm... Nah.

Did you see that?

That was... That was brilliant.

That was just classic...

It's so simple, but so much laughter comes from...

Brilliant.

He deserves that anyway, because he's been sexting my nan, so...

The good thing about this year is the vintage steam fair

falls on my birthday,

which is basically my two favourite days of the year combined.

The steam fair is a really fun family event.

I know it means a lot to Kerry.

She's a huge fan of all things practical and mechanical.

There's going to be working traction engines, tractors,

road rollers, parade of vintage steamers...

And I warn you now, when we get there,

you will not be able to get a word out of me sideways,

cos I will have died, and I will have gone straight to heaven.

# Happy birthday to you... #

Here he is!

# ...You were born in a loo... #

- I wasn't born in a loo. - She was.

- I was born in a bathroom, thanks. - Yeah, on the loo!

Yeah, only cos my mum didn't know she was pregnant with me.

Sue's a bit chipper today, in't she?

Yeah, cos she knows it's my birthday and she don't have to celebrate it.

That for me!

Guessed right. There you go.

- Cheers, Kurts! - No problemo.

- Absolutely.

Yep.

My God, that's the new one as well. How'd you get your hands on that?

Don't worry about me, Ker. Friends in the right places.

It's Gibbo, innit, that works at Screwfix?

Yeah.

This is absolutely mint.

Look at these aluminium combination ladders!

Yeah. And I've got another surprise for you as well.

- Yeah. But it ain't here.

We have to go on a little trip to see it.

When? - Now.

Yeah, but I don't really want to miss the steam fair.

No, we won't miss the steam fair.

- You've got ages. I'm got it all planned.

It ain't a SodaStream, is it?

No, why?

I just really like SodaStreams, always wanted one.

Really?

Yeah, Slugs had one, and he carbonated a cup of tea with it.

Didn't taste very nice, but he was pushing boundaries with it.

Yeah, got a little surprise for Ker.

It's about a 40-minute walk outside the village, though,

but I feel it's going to be worth it to see the look on her sweet little face.

She's going to love it.

Will we be coming home before we go steam fair?

Nah, we'll just get a bus straight there after your surprise.

All right.

I'm knackered.

We only just started walking, Ker.

What's this surprise?

Cos I need to know whether it's going to be worth this walk.

It will be worth it, trust me.

- I know what it is.

- Don't worry, I'll act surprised.

- You know what.

Kerry, you don't think we're organising a surprise party for you?

- I knew it. - No, no, because we're actually not.

You mustn't get your hopes up, cos it's not a surprise party.

That's what my dad told you to say, isn't it?

No, Ker, don't wind me up,

because it's not a surprise party, you need to understand that, yeah?

Listen to me, no fucking party.

Fine, no party.

Right. Come on.

I'm got a packet of Rolos in my pocket as well.

Have you?

I'll give you one every 50 yards, how about that?

That's a nice little incentive, isn't it?

Yeah, all right.

- That's it, you're a good girl. - Yeah.

- We'd better be careful, Kurtan.

All that over there is Fox Twins territory.

No, cos they only ever stay in those woods

and we're going round, so we won't... not a chance of bumping into them, really.

Right.

Everyone in the village knows about the Fox Twins.

Basically, over...

...over the years, there's been sightings in the woods of these two feral-like men,

who walk on their knuckles, on all fours.

And witnesses say they communicate to each other

in their own language, which sounds like fox calls.

And whenever livestock goes missing in the farms around the village,

they're usually blamed.

And no-one knows how they got here either.

Yes, it's a fun story to hear down the pub

in front of a roaring fire of an evening,

and it's funny how this kind of shared folklore

can bring people together in a strange sort of way.

But do I believe in it?

Absolutely not.

I've seen 'em. I've seen 'em with me own eyes, me and Tyson.

We was out the woods early one morning,

and we seen 'em hunched over,

eating what look like some sort of an animal carcass.

Couldn't believe it. It was terrifying.

And then, at exactly the same spot

at exactly the same time a week later...

...I saw an alien.

My theory is that some dirty bastard's shagged a fox,

and that fox ended up giving birth

to some sort of fucked-up man-fox twins. Um...

There's actually only one dirty bastard I know around here

that would shag a fox, and that's Len.

I never done it with a fox.

Morning.

Stuck-up git. So rude.

What, that guy?

Yeah, he just ignored me.

Who doesn't say "morning"?

When someone says "morning", who doesn't say it back?

That's just weird, that's rude.

Just let it go. It doesn't matter.

Aw, look how sweet them sheep are.

Hello!

Shit.

Shit. Argh!

- Don't... - Don't ever turn your back on them.

Don't turn your back on sheep.

Carry on, quick, quick, quick. Go, go, go. I've got your back, I've got your back.

This is it, we're almost there.

Right, close your eyes.

Three, two, one...

Open!

There, up there! Look!

Yeah.

How good is that?!

It's great. It's really great.

Happy birthday, Ker.

Thanks, Kurts.

Right, now on to steam fair!

"Happy birthday, Kerry Mucklowe." Look at that.

I always see them banners above the motorway,

and I always thought, "Who the fuck does them?"

Well, now I know.

People like me.

Kurtan.

Did you know you can't get stung by a stinging nettle

if you grab the leaf top and bottom, like that?

It's only when you touch it on the sides, it stings.

Agh, actually, that stung, then.

Hurry up.

I wouldn't touch that if I were you.

- Pez dispenser, they're cursed.

They are, I'm not even joking. Honestly, when I had one of them,

I had the worst bout of bad luck I ever had in my life.

Why, what happened?

My dog died, I got ringworm, credit crunch.

It's absolutely plain evil.

Don't you just think that's coincidence, though?

- Yeah.

Right, explain this to me -

why is it, I swapped it a week later with Robin Pope for a rubber,

and the very same day, he fell off a ferry?

Yeah, but, Pez or no Pez, Robin Pope would have fallen off that ferry.

- Bus is here. - He was a fucking clown.

Hello!

- Yeah.

Can you open the door?

Fuck...

What the fuck!

What...

Yeah...

I think...

What the fuck?!

- He's been sexting my nan, though. - For fuck's sake...

That's the problem.

How are we going to get to steam fair, Kurtan?

Because the next bus ain't for, like, two hours?

Shit.

Hi, Vicar, it's Kurtan.

Yeah, good, just a little favour -

do you reckon you could pick us up, please?

What's he saying

What wedding?

But can't you nip out 15 minutes, and...

...then go back...?

Yeah, but you're the vicar, surely you can do what you want.

And it's your church. They've all got to wait for you anyway.

Fine, fine.

Do you know what? Just do one, Vicar.

- No.

- No, no, calm down.

- We're going to miss it. - No, we're not going to miss it.

Right, just calm down. We'll be fine, Ker...

Look, what we'll do...

What Kerry won't tell you about the steam fair is that

she used to go a lot when she was a kid before her dad walked out.

And so I think, every time she sees heavy haulage vehicles,

it reminds her of being part of a family.

It doesn't matter, cos we can walk it.

- It'll take an hour.!

- Yeah. - I can't do an hour,

unfortunately, I can't.

Because I want to see Jim Tucker driving into the steam fair, that's it.

And she loves looking in skips as well,

cos her dad used to take her scrap-metalling when she was a toddler.

And he'd literally just chuck her in and have her looking for copper and that.

She actually got tetanus one time.

But Martin didn't give a flying fuck.

As long as he got his copper, he was happy.

How about we walk through the woods, then Cos that'll be half the time.

- Yeah.

- Yeah. Yeah. Do you know what...

- That works for me. - It might be a nice...

If you're telling me the truth, that works for me.

I swear down, it's a short cut. It might be a pleasant walk, we might enjoy it.

We'll be late now.

We'll have missed the combine demonstration, for sure.

Which is a shame.

Because Jim Tucker drives the combines,

and he's the best combine driver this side of Fairford.

I had my picture taken with him last year, and he put his cap on me

and said I reminded him of himself when he was in his late 40s.

Actually, I think we've got to go back up there.

We just came from back from back up there.

Yeah, just... But then...

You're lost, ain't you?

- Well, not... I don't know... - For fuck's sake, Kurtan.

Well, can you check maps on your phone, or something?

No, cos I ain't got any signal, have I? Have you?

Have you got any signal?

Fucking hell!

My God, what is that?

There, look. There.

Don't know.

Is that, like, a tent or something?

Shout. Shout hello. Hello?

Hello!

- My Jesus Christ! What is it?

- My God.

- Christ alive.!

It's just a great big dump in the middle of the tent.

That's... That's just a badger's shit in there.

- Yeah.

OK. So a badger just walking along, sees a tent, goes,

"Might as well have a shit in it."

Does his business, comes back out, zips it with this great big thumbs.

Yeah, badger, Ker!

- I know who's fucking done that.

Fox Twins.

I'm not scared of the Fox Twins.

I'd just like to sit them down and ask 'em plainly,

"Look, guys, what is going on?

"Cos this has just gotten completely out of hand now.

"You know, stop walking on your knuckles, stand up straight,

"be the best version of you that you can be.

"Get a job, even.

"There's a trolley boy who works at Tesco's, you know,

"who may as well have been raised by wolves.

"If he can get a job, you guys can walk it."

Honestly, this guy's forehead is so large,

you could project a film onto it.

And that's not me being harsh.

He'd probably say that about himself.

Nicholas.

- Yeah.

Huge fucking head.

Yes, there has been talk of strange goings-on in the woods,

ghost sightings and the like. But...

...they're never from particularly reliable sources.

Yeah, I believe in ghosts all right. There's one in there.

I live with a ghost. There's a ghost in that house.

He's like a Civil War Cavalier,

with all the hair and the hat and all that.

And every time I walk into the living room, he doffs his cap.

And on his shoulder, he's got this crow that barks at me.

It means I spend less time in the house, really.

Not because of him, because he's-he's quite peaceable.

But the crow is malevolent.

And I'm not having that.

I can't share my house with a malevolent bird.

No way, I ain't walking through that.

Why?

Why? Look at it!

What's wrong with it? It's just... It will literally be a 20-second sprint.

That's haunted as fuck.

Am I going mad here, or does that, to you,

look like that's where just ghosts will hang out all the time?

Well, it's either walk through there or walk up that. Up to you.

Let's just walk down there.

Right.

- My God, it's him from earlier. Hat man! Arsehole.

- Ask him... Ask him for directions. - No, no way!

Please, Kurtan.

No, I ain't going cap in hand to no-one, especially him.

I'll ask him. Excuse me!

Ha. See? Rude.

Well, let's just follow him, cos he might be going steam fair.

Look at him, Little Red Riding Twat.

- All right, I'll go first, I'll go first. - Quick!

- Yes, all right! - He's getting away.

Half-hour until the Ferguson parade.

It's basically a shitload of Fergusons, like, parade around the fair and that.

Wait.

It's always led by this, like, little steam engine,

this little Labrador in it that has a hat.

It's the most beautiful fucking thing you'll ever see.

Run after him!

- Yes! - Fuck.

Excuse me?!

Hang on, wait!

Just want to...

Just want to follow...!

For fuck's...

Where's he fucking gone?

Where's he gone?!

I don't know.

- Fucking hell.

- For fuck's sake. - I don't believe it.

We've just done a massive circle for the last three hours.

We've missed the steam fair, ain't we?

Yeah, well...

- I think so. - Yeah.

Sorry, Ker.

Look, well, we're basically by a bus stop now, so...

I can just get the vicar to pick us up.

- Yeah.

Come on, then. Let's just get out of here.

What are you doing?

- Going toilet.

You can't shit in there!

Someone's already done a massive dump in it.

What's another one going to make a difference?

For fuck's sake.

Vicar's here.

If he's got an attitude with me, I swear to God,

I'll just grab the steering wheel and drive us all into a wall.

Happy birthday, Kerry!

How was it?

Kerry did a dump in a tent.

Sorry?

I did a dump in a tent.

That's all you need to know.

Yeah, it wasn't a great birthday.

Probably one of the worst I ever had, to be honest.

And I got eight Facebook posts this year.

That's four down from last year.

I stayed up till midnight refreshing my page, and for why?

I just ended up getting cramp in my finger. I can't even bend it, look.

I just feel pretty shit about Kerry's birthday yesterday.

She didn't say anything, but I know it's basically my fault

we missed the steam fair and that, and...

Yeah, just thought I'd better make it up to her.

Get her something she really wants.

Yes, I'll get it.

Someone left this, look.

SodaStream!

"Happy birthday." There's a laugh.

"Dear Kerry, happy birthday, have a great day,

"lots of love...

"...Martin."

That's my da.

I knew my da wouldn't forget my birthday.

This is one of the best birthdays I've ever had, to be fair.

To think Kurtan almost ruined it as well.