Original subtitles

L-E-N spells Len, not Arthur,

so what's my bloody bin doing in front of your bloody house?

I ain't moved your bin! You moved my bin! My bin's outside your house.

Basically, grumpy old Len's having a fight with angry Arthur

because they're both accusing each other of stealing the other one's recycling bin.

Cos we swapped 'em over. We do it every bin day and wind them up.

Len's a fucking unit.

- You don't wash your windows! - Ooh!

You don't wash your bloody trousers!

Ho-ho!

- Drop him, Len!

What are you doing?

Are you going to take that from him, mate?

He's bang out of order!

- Don't you bloody dare, mate. - Shit, he's got a brick.

- Don't you dare! - Len! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Len! Len!

Don't you dare!

Len! Len! Len!

No, put the brick down, you fucking psychopath.

Or what? You want a bricking as well?

No, I don't...

The vicar texted me earlier saying he wants to see us both in his office,

but he didn't say what about.

When I asked him, he just said, "Come to my office now,"

which means we're in the fucking shit, cos we're always in fucking shit.

Yeah, but what have we actually done that was bad in the last three weeks, though?

Don't say Len and Arthur and the bins, cos they was gunning for each other anyway.

We did give the vicar the wrong change

when he gave us ten quid to go and get printer paper from the shop.

Yeah, but that was basically our commission.

And we did burn Slugs's nipples on the radiator.

- Yeah, but that was for science. - Yeah. That was for science.

Well, thank you both for coming in today. I really, really appreciate it.

Look, if you're going to bollock us, just save yourself the waffle and get to it.

What do you mean?

- You're going to have a go at us. - Yeah.

Well, no, I'm not. Um, no.

I called you in today because I have some news.

What?

The tadpoles have spawned in the parish pond

and they are absolutely thriving.

That's great.

- That is wonderful news. - Yes!

Yes. And, you know, all that de-weeding you did last week

really helped to oxygenate the pond. So, thank you, Kurtan and Kerry.

Well done, mate.

- Well done. - Thank you.

Um, no. Just a sec. I just have one other thing to discuss with you.

My...

- No. Hear me out. - I knew it.

Well, I'm just...

I'm going to be bit busy this week, so I'm going to need you to do me a favour

and take over Tea Talk for me with Florence.

- No way. - No.

Well, I'm actually going fishing anyway, so I can't do it,

but the chat that gets spouted out at Tea Talk, it's just,

99% of it, unfiltered guff.

- That's not true. - It is true.

Tea Talk is a scheme I've been running for the last couple of years.

Um, some of the older residents

like to talk. A lot.

But because they live alone and can't get about as much,

they have no-one to talk to.

So, once a week, I'll pop in and see them in their homes

and we'll have a good old chinwag over a cup of tea and a slice of cake.

Seeing as you live across the road from Florence,

- No, no, no, no, no.

I'll give you £5.

20 quid.

- 10.

- 10.

- I shouldn't be paying you at all. - 10 is fine.

- OK. Excellent. Thank you. - Deal.

Thank you, Kerry. Deal. Great.

What makes you so busy anyway?

Busy bee. - Busy bee.

Well, actually, I'm picking up my son, who's coming to stay for a while.

- Yeah, right.

You don't have a son, do you?

I've always had a son. I talk about him all the time.

- You know that. Jacob.

- I thought that was his dog.

So did I.

No! He's my son. He's not my dog.

Yes, my son's Jacob's coming to stay,

which I'm really looking forward to.

He's been living in Bristol for the last few years since he left university.

I've really missed him. I've been... A-ha!

I know it's not cool to say this,

but I've been very excited about you coming.

Yeah, well, good. Well, it's good to be here.

Yeah.

It's nice to see it again. It's been a while since I've been here.

I don't think you realise

what a place is like until you leave it and you come back, you know.

I don't know, it's a bit... bit weird, innit?

It reminds me of The Wicker Man. I don't really know why.

- A bit weird. - A little bit harsh.

Well, it's just what I think.

You'll put people off.

I'd like to think there's a bit more kindness in the village than that.

I dunno. It's all right... It's...

Burning people...

Well...

I've been dreading this.

It's just been hanging over my head the whole day.

There's a reason no-one wants to talk to these old fuckers.

Cos they're fucking boring.

Well, what I'm going to do is I'm going to knock on the door,

leave it five seconds, and if she doesn't come, at least I tried.

One, two, three, four...

Hello, Kerry. Are you here for the Tea Talk?

- Yeah. - Come on in.

Fine.

There you go. Can I take your coat?

Yeah.

Got rods out now.

Lines in.

Now it's just a waiting game, really.

- Kurtan!

Fucking hell, what's he wearing them trousers for?

Christ! I can see the crease between his bollocks!

Fucking huge, them bollocks!

- Yeah. This is my son Jacob.

Hello, mate. Nice to meet you. Kurtan. Nice to meet you, son.

Jacob just arrived this morning.

I thought we'd go for a walk and see how you're getting on.

- Yeah.

No, not yet. It's a bit quiet today. Yeah.

It's beautiful here, though. I can see why people get into fishing.

Yes. Yeah, yeah. Well, you guys are welcome to stay if you want.

- I've got chairs and... - That's lovely of you.

Um, well, I've got to get back.

But, Jacob, you can stay if you like and I can pick you up later.

Yeah. - Lovely.

- Cool. - All right, fantastic.

- Well, I'll... see you later, then. - Yeah.

- Cool. - Have a lovely time.

- Yeah, all right. - Bye.

- Yeah, sit down, mate. - Yeah, cool.

I've got a spare chair in here.

Er, it's a nice sort of set-up you've got here.

Yeah. That's... You've not been fishing before, then?

No. This is new to me. This is... I mean, that's mental. So...

- Yeah, it's a fishing rod. - Right. OK. Cool.

So, what do you want to talk about?

We don't have to talk. We can watch TV.

Yeah?

Flog It! will be on. Have you seen it?

No.

It's absolutely brilliant.

Would you like some biscuits with your tea, or...

...we've got scones, actually, if you want?

Er...

Both

Yes.

So, how long are you planning on staying around for, then?

- Er, dunno. Might be a while but...

Never usually lasts long with me and Dad under the same roof.

Right, yeah. I bet.

- It's just, he's too nice, you know. - Yeah.

- He's infuriatingly nice. - Yeah.

He has no idea what the real world is like.

- Yeah.

Yeah.

What is the real world actually like?

- Just like Bristol and that.

- Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Bristol's great, mate. Yeah.

- Just, like, fast and... - Yeah, yeah,

- Just so many mental things happen.

Like, we used to live with this guy called Chief, yeah?

- He's a nudist.

So he just walks around with his cock and bollocks out.

- Yeah, yeah!

But the best thing is, my dad came to visit, yeah?

- Yeah. - All the time he's sweating bullets.

He's trying so hard not to acknowledge he's got his cock and bollocks out...

- Yeah. - ...he actually fainted!

- You're joking! - No.

- Fucking hell! - Swear on my life.

- Yeah.

- Er, nah. No, I'm all right, actually.

- Yeah, yeah. Go on, then.

- Nice one.

- Might as well.

Er... Well, my dad took me to a Slipknot concert.

Yeah?

When I was 13, or something.

And he tried to get into the mosh pit

because he thought that's where the best view would be.

So, when the music started, everybody started jumping on him...

- Yeah! - Like, bottles of piss poured over him.

You're joking!

St John's Ambulance had to get involved

and, like, gave him gas and air, dragged him out.

Fuck!

Well, I'd better get on with the supper.

It's lovely of you to pop by, Sherry.

What will you have for your supper?

Just steak and chips, I think.

I love me steak, I do.

- Me too. - I absolutely love... I love steak.

Yeah.

It's my favourite, actually.

Hadn't you better get back? Or you'll miss yours.

- Miss your supper.

I don't have any supper.

Does your mum not cook for you?

What will you eat?

I suppose I'll see what's left in the bin.

Probably just eat that.

Would you like to stay for supper, Kerry?

Is that all right?

Of course. Do stay for supper.

All right, then, yeah. Can I give you a hand, Florence?

No! I'm fine. The Simpsons are on next.

Okely dokely.

Mum!

What's for tea tonight?

For tea tonight?

Yeah, what's for tea tonight?

Yeah, but what will you cook, do you think?

What?

What?

Say that again!

You mean falafel, Sue?

What the fuck is falafel?

It's mushed up chickpeas.

What are chickpeas?

Peas that taste like shit, basically.

How was fishing?

Brilliant, but I am hanging out my ass today.

- Jacob came.

- Yeah!

- He's great.

- We got absolutely battered.

Yeah, he loves a party.

And on the way back we just stood on the bridge over a dual carriageway

and we were just pissing on cars.

I want to piss on cars.

Yeah.

He has some amazing stories about the vicar as well.

Like what?

The vicar, right, was in a Christian boyband in the '80s.

- No way! - Yeah. Called The Nice Guys.

- You are joking me! - No!

- Yeah!

- Lead singer.

- Yeah.

And he had hair, as well, apparently.

- He had hair! - Yeah! Imagine that.

I just can't imagine the vicar not being bald.

Florence, that was just... beautiful. Really beautiful.

Good. Glad you liked it.

Not going to let you go hungry, you know, Kerry.

I love Tea Talk.

Florence is just an absolute dream.

It was a bit sad, cos her cat died recently.

But I think me being here has just cheered her up tenfold.

That was him, look. That's the cat.

His name was Tudor, look.

Feel the weight of that.

Feel the weight of that, honestly.

That's how fucking big he was.

Ate himself into physical decay.

That's how I want to go.

Yeah.

Kerry gets very jealous whenever I talk about Tudor.

So I just try not to mention him at all.

She said...

Shh...

For fuck's sake!

That'll do.

Thanks so much for doing Tea Talk, Kerry.

I can take over now, but thanks so much for filling in for me.

Well, I don't mind doing it again, so...

Well, that's very kind of you, but I know how dull it must be for you...

No, no, no, it's not dull, it's fine. She trusts me now.

Well, all I'm saying is that I'm free now and...

Yeah, well, she's in a very dark place at the moment

cos she's just lost her cat, which is very upsetting.

You know, I'm not quite sure

why you're so insistent on trying to, like, ruin this for me.

- I'm not... - It feels like that.

I'm really not trying to ruin anything for you.

You know, I think it's brilliant that you want to keep Tea Talk going with Florence,

I really do, Kerry. I couldn't be prouder of you.

Sounds like you're really making a difference.

Well, I am, I'm making a massive difference.

She'd lose her shit if it wasn't for me, so...

- Great, good.

- Kurtan, come on in.

Look, I've been meaning to say thanks so much

for spending time with Jacob. He's been raving about it.

Yeah?

That's great, yeah, we're going fishing again tonight

and probably go down Keepers, have a few beers and that.

- It'll be a laugh. - Excellent.

But just to let you know, Jacob's had a bit of a tough time of late.

What do you mean?

Um, well, he's had some problems that you should probably be aware of.

What sort of problems?

Well... drink and drugs problems, mainly.

Shit.

Could have told me earlier about that.

Why?

Just... Just would... would have been nice to have known sooner. No reason as such.

- Sorry, yes. - Yeah.

- Go on, then. - See you later.

- See you, Kerry. - See you.

See you, Kurtan. Bye.

We have had a few problems with Jacob, mostly with sort of addiction issues

with alcohol and... heroin,

which caused him a bit of bother.

He ran up a bit of debt with a chap called, um, Sketchy,

so we had to remortgage the cottage to bail him out.

Well, I feel bad now. You know, I had no idea.

I just thought he liked to party.

But that's just a whole different ball game. You know. I am shocked.

Having said that, he did try and smoke my hemp seed

that I use as ground bait for fishing. You know.

And that should have been a clear sign to me at the time...

My God!

- Look at that.

What's that?

I just typed in " '80s Christian boyband The Nice Guys" into Google,

and that's just come up.

- That's the vicar. - "Good Guy by The Nice Guys."

That is so typical of him.

So, er...

...my dad mentioned that he'd told you the real reason I'm here

and, like, the problems I've had and stuff.

I think, yeah. He said something about it, but...

I can't really remember now, to be honest. So...

Well, thanks for not saying anything about the other night.

You know, I don't want to upset him or anything, so...

Yeah, sure.

Probably best if we keep it between ourselves and...

Yeah.

It's just like a final blowout, I guess, you know...

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Just getting it out of my system and...

But... Yeah, I'm just on the water tonight.

- All right, cool. - Just so you know.

- No worries, mate. No worries. - Sweet.

Before we go, Chris, a question, I nearly forgot.

If Sir Frederick Banbury came second and Solario came fourth,

who or what came third?

The answer is Flying Scotsman...

...between Sir Frederick Banbury and...

Thank you, Chris.

Join us next time to see if the new team of Challengers have the brains...

Right, I'd best be off.

Don't you want to watch Springwatch?

I wish I could but I've got to get back.

Shall I see you tomorrow?

- Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow. - OK.

- All right, Florence, ta for that! - Right.

Mum?

Where's dinner?

All right, cheers.

Yes!

And you pour a cup of cold water...

It's not a cup of cold water, it's the absolute reality,

and also, you've got to think, the jackdaws have got young, too.

What about an "ah" for the baby jackdaws?

I just want everything to survive!

Be a weird world if everything survived.

Let's have a look at our buzzard.

Now, we know it's a one chick, a single child.

And because of that, it's been doing extremely well,

it's been growing rapidly, it's had plenty of food.

Let's take a look at it when we first met it.

Got a good feeling about this little place here.

Yeah, me too. This could be the one, yeah.

That's what I think.

Right, I mean, it's just great, isn't it? Fishing.

Yeah.

Like, just something about it. Like, the lake and the trees...

- Yeah. - ...and, like, the birds.

- Yeah, it's beautiful. - It's beautiful.

- Yeah. - Exactly.

Like, you live in a city, yeah,

and you just kind of forget how beautiful just the countryside is!

- I mean, it's amazing. - Yeah.

That's true, that is... Do you know what, I'm really glad you like...

- I've got you onto fishing now. - Yes.

- Yeah, yeah, no, that's great. Yeah.

This is you, this is all you. You've done this.

I've done it and, you know, we can go all the time.

- Yeah, yeah. - That's the thing.

Whenever you're back and...

I mean, the thing that amazes me is it's just like all of it together,

you know, as an experience. Like, us being here, do you know what I mean?

- And, like, the environment... - Yeah.

...and like... And just, like, nature.

Nature's, like, here with us, do you know what I mean?

Yeah, it's just nature. Nature's your friend.

The lake and the trees and...

And you've just got to embrace it, you know?

Hey, have you taken something?

Yeah, mate, yeah.

- It's a pill...

Yeah, it is a pill, yeah.

And you're definitely not interested in fishing any more?

Yeah, exactly.

Feel that. Feel it, feel it. No, feel it. You're not feeling it?

- I am feeling it.

- Feel it.

All right.

- Yeah. Yeah, I'm good.

Yeah.

- No, don't...

OK.

Where is he going Can...?

Can you look after that? Because I'm going to have to...

For fuck's sake.

Jacob got wrecked again last night.

- Yes, he's an absolute wreck-head.

- Shit. - Just wandered off on his own.

Came back with some homeless guy,

trying to get me to take him back to my nan's to give him a bath.

Sh...!

You know, they ended up having a fight later on,

got kicked out of the fucking fishing club. He's a total liability.

- No.

He thinks he's on the straight and narrow.

Well, you've got to tell the vicar.

What?

Well... Florence is probably just making it up to get attention.

Is that what you've been doing in the evenings, Ker?

You told me you'd been running in the evenings,

but that's not what you've been doing, is it?

I know Kerry said I should tell the vicar about Jacob,

but I just can't face it. I think

the best thing I can do in this situation is just stay out of it.

You know, it's far bigger than what I can deal with.

- And the vicar's just so far...

...in his bloody dream world, he's dancing with a Minotaur.

- On a cruise ship heading straight for...

Fuck's that?

For fuck's sake!

- Fuck!

Jacob! Sorry, mate, sorry.

- Sit down, mate.

No, you can't do it. This is the marketplace.

Kebabs!

What you doing? That's a bin, mate.

Fucking hell.

Hello?

Hi, Vicar. Yeah, it's Kurtan.

Yeah, I... It's Jacob, really.

Yeah.

That's right. He's been drinking, yeah.

- God. Jacob. - All right.

- Hello. - Jacob, it's all right.

Yeah, yeah, I'm good.

- We're going to get you home. - Yeah...

Yes, it's a difficult situation.

I suppose I was in denial

and I didn't realise I was doing more damage to my son than good.

Don't be harsh on yourself.

No. I... I feel like being harsh on myself.

Sometimes, it... It has to be bad to be good again, you know.

My trousers are falling down. My trousers are falling down.

Right. One second...

Dear. Thank you, Kurtan.

Thank you for being a friend to me and a friend to Jacob.

It's a pleasure, that's what I do.

And thank you. For whatever it is you do.

Because I still don't really know.

Shall I get the kettle on?

Biscuits? - Yes, please.

Thank you.

Come on, then. Let's get you inside, out the rain.

There she is, look.

I just find it weird how you can be so close to someone

and they can be such a big part of your life,

and then the next minute, you're just sort of strangers in the night.

You know?

Nothing much changes. I'm just more hungry.

I reckon she's going to be cooking her thrice-cooked chips tonight.

Because they're not cooked once and they're not cooked twice,

they're cooked thrice!

But those days are in the past now, I suppose.

# Standing in the rain

# I hand you my jacket

# I guess I'm just a good guy... #

- It's me.

- Yeah, that's me.

# ...You're always out of reach

# These words I long to preach

# Love is my word... #

- That's good! That's actually not shit. - Thank you very much.

- Yeah! You can hold a note, mate. - Yes, I can, yeah.

# ...I'll be your prop and your line... #

- We all did.

# ...Divine intervention!

# Good guy

# Just a good guy... #

I quite like that.

# ...Give me a try

# Fall in love with a good guy... #

What's the song about? - A good guy.

- Well, it works on lots of levels.

Are you the good guy?

Well, I am in this, and it could mean... a lot of other things.

Wait for it - here comes the flute solo, here comes the flute solo.

# Bad boys are all the fashion

# Crimes of hate, crimes of passion

# Love is pure, it can't be wrong

# Where have all the good guys gone?

# Girl, dry your eyes

# Leave the bad guys

# They'll hurt you with their lies

# So find yourself a good, good guy

# Good guy... #