Original subtitles

One, two, one, two, one, two... Come on, men! Move!

One, two, one, two, one, two...

One, two, one, two... Come on!

That's enough.

Knee bends.

Let's forget about this exercise. It's too dangerous.

Now we'll do bust torsions.

Bust rotations. One..

- What are you doing, imbecile? - Sorry, centurion.

- The general is coming! - Guys, attention! Move!

Second legion, first centuria. 10 plus one present.

- Centurion Lucius Vinicius. - That is you. At ease.

- War blade, huh? - Not a war blade.

It was... one of our men.

I didn't make it in time to say, "Stop. I'm on your side!"

- It's what's left of your centuria? - Yes. I can't get them to stay fit.

If you can't do it, we are lost.

In ten days there's the parade in front of the emperor.

Am I to take only a handful of men? Let's do a general recruit.

We'll gather one thousand hillbillies from this surrounding area.

You will get them, and you, Vinicius, will train them.

Let's hope we'll be ready in ten days.

Otherwise, you know what Nero will do to me?

Everything as planned. Here she is!

- Here she is! - I already said that.

Are you being an echo, imbecile? Let's go. Come on.

FOR THE LOVE OF POPPAEA

Here she is! She's mine!

My gosh, she's so hot!

- Did you see her ass? - We must catch her!

- I'll take care of it. - Let's go.

Did you get her?

You scoundrel, are you playing around?

- Will you give me 2 minutes? - How can I check? I've no watch.

- Alright. - Let's cut it.

- Darn it! - Let's go!

Thieves! To hell with you!

I thought you had honest intentions. Fags!

No... Not this, not this, not this...

Here it is! I can give you two sestertii for this one.

- So in Rome you'll sell it for 10. - What about transportation?

- What transportation? - Hay has increased.

Really? Caius, they're giving us more hay.

My feet...

- For 2 sestertii, 2 sideburns. - No, forget it.

- Goodbye. - We won't do anything with these.

- Hail. - Hail.

- At the catacombs again this morning? - My feet hurt so badly.

- He really limps. Who is he? - Saint Callistus.

- Et voilà! - What is it? The latest fashion?

No. It's Titus' latest yell. He was to cut the wife's hair,

but cut the husband's beard. - He'll learn to sleep in his place.

- Isn't it beautiful? - I like it.

Leave it! 6 sestertii, without negotiating.

Latest news. Let's go listen.

Attention. Ordered by Emperor Lucius Domitius,

there will be a reward of 25 sestertii

for the unknown criminals that are assaulting men and women

and stealing their hair.

Things aren't looking good. We'll meet when things calm down.

Send a pigeon and I'll come. Goodbye!

General Galba, with the intent of increasing his glorious legions,

has ordered voluntary recruiting

of all men over 18 years of age.

They're coming! The legionaries are coming. They're recruiting men!

- Did you sign up to enlist? - No. And you?

- Me neither. Let's go! - Let's go!

- Get out! Don't hide! - Come on, men! Out!

The emperor is calling you! Come out!

- Come on, men! Out! - What hospitality!

- I'm staying here! - Can't I stay too?

Come out!

Nobody is here.

- Look at them. - Let’s go!

- Here they are! - Come here!

Come. They're here!

- Here! - Yes. Here I am.

- I'll take care of it. - He's coming.

- Take off his clothes. Get dressed. - Yes.

Let's go, or they'll run away!

They hid back there!

- Here he is. - I know. I know.

Come on, hurry! They're over there!

Hurry! Hurry!

- Here he is. - I know. I know.

I saw them! They're hiding over there! We'll catch them!

Come on!

I know. I know.

Oh, God! I don't feel my head anymore!

- So what? We run with our feet. - Yes? What a blow!

There they are!

Holy jeepers! Look at how many!

- Take this board. - Yes. Why?

Just do it.

Put it down.

- Stop! Don't move! - We'll bring food later!

Ask them.

- Silence! Are any men here? - I wish, my handsome lord.

All men left as soldiers.

- You tell him too. - All of them.

Among the woman slaves that Galba will sell in Rome,

I'd like to keep a couple for myself.

- How can you? He counted them. - I have an idea.

If we take those two, and put these farm girls in their place,

will he notice it? - No.

- They caught on. - Be quiet. Smile.

- Nice guys. - Listen, cute chicks.

- Us, huh? - You want to come to Rome with us?

- I'd say no. - Me too.

- I'd say yes! - Why not? Always contradicting.

Excuse us a moment. We'll freshen up our make-up and...

- Where are you going? Do it here. - Yes.

A little touch...

There's such a bad wind today.

- Sorry. - One minute.

- Just a minute. - Hurry up!

- You must come to Rome with us. - We won't.

- We'll never stoop so low. - Help!

We can't ever speak.

You liked me more like this, Seneca,

or with a beard? - Galba, cha-cha-cha!

- Why are they hollering? - They're hailing Galba.

- There's the parade today. - Oh, yes. The triumph.

With all these victories outside the country...

- They even defeated the Britons. - Yes, but that's history.

- Why are they hollering? - It's better if they do.

You should be afraid of the ones that don't speak, like Christians.

Christians? Who are they?

- They look like any other people. - People! As they say down there.

Where? - In Greece. Down there, see?

"Demos" that means demon, scum.

The ones I mean are not just demos.

- They are "demos-christians". - Demos-christians?

What a strange name!

And are they dangerous?

Sure. If they spread, you'll never get rid of them.

Galba, cha-cha-cha!

Listen to how they're hollering.

I can see normally with this emerald.

- Close your eye. - It's closed, but I can see normally.

Listen, this Galba worries me.

Can't we frame him with some scandal?

He's the most honest man in the empire.

Then how did he become successful?

Forget about him.

Send him back in Spain.

What are you doing? Dancing the flamenco?

No. You crushed my foot with the wheel.

Lucky him. He can see my homeland again.

You don't know how much I envy him.

Don't you like staying here in Rome?

Yes, but sometimes I am homesick for Cordova.

You're right. With this midfielder we've got.

I can't stand Nero anymore. He neglects me too much.

When he comes here, he behaves like a fag.

But it's a trick. Meanwhile he goes to bed with my woman slaves.

I can't stand cheating.

Have patience, Poppaea. He's the emperor. He can do it.

They are just affairs, and aren't important.

- Divine Lucius Domitius Ahenobarbus! - Here he is! He's coming! Go!

He may be divine, but I hurt my back! Take it easy!

- Hail, Lucius Domitius. - Call me Nero. I'll be your kitten.

- Hail, Nero. - Hail, hail. Listen...

- What is your name? - Gineffa.

- I could have sworn it. And you? - Livia.

- And then? - Filth.

Don't strain. I can smell it. Tigellino?

- Tigellino! - Divine, I'm here.

Sorry, I can't see anything with this.

You must take these two back to the market and exchange them.

I don't want my Divina to be ruined by their presence.

Don't strain yourself. You're doing great.

- Who do I give them to? - Patronius. He's so elegant.

He'll hang them up in the john. This one is long and last longer.

- What if he doesn't want them? - Give them to him

with the right to ransom for 6 months.

I want the new ones to be real gems.

Thank you!

What are you doing to me?

Didn't you have another 20 slaves?

Yes, but I keep them locked up because they have measles.

Is measles an infective illness?

I didn't have it when I was little.

I had better leave or they'll infect me.

If they won't recover in 2 days, we must make amends, Tigellino.

- I can have them killed. - Oh!

No, poor things.

Have them burned. It already stinks in here.

Will you move? As soon as they hold a spear,

they stand in the middle of the way.

What a son of a bitch!

- He's Agrippina's son! - Well? What did I say?

Here are the slaves! Tarragona's slaves are great!

Come on! Who'll buy the slaves?

Come on. They're the last ones!

Come on!

They are the fresher slaves! You can touch them!

They are the best slaves of the market! I'll give them cheap!

Come on with these slaves!

Look at how big this one is! Look at her mount of Venus.

- My balls! - What did you say?

Goddess Pallas, protect our chastity.

Who would ever want you?

These old senile men will buy us.

- We'll hit them and run away. - Careful with low blows.

- Hail, Samuele. Anything good today? - Men and women from Tarragona.

Brought by Galba. Nice stuff, huh?

The men are sort of ugly.

Sure. They took the good ones right away.

These matrons are so horny.

They are so ugly!

- You'll have a great bathroom. - You're right. They're two commodes.

- OK. How much are they? - 30 sestertii each.

If you take the couple, 50 sestertii.

They are as light as a bird.

Just think when he finds out we really have birds!

Samuele, I'll give you 30 sestertii for both.

- Yes, but the VAT is extra. - What is this VAT?

Virginity Assured Tax.

- Virginity? Who guarantees? - Did you take a look at them?

Domitilla, throw it!

- Tigellino is coming. - What a torture!

We can't read a comic book in peace.

- Where is he taking us? - I don't know!

- What do you want, Tigellino? - I brought the two new slaves.

I can hardly look at you.

So much the better. I'll have you be Poppaea's personal slaves.

- Thank you. - Wait for me here.

- I must tell you something. - Excuse me.

Go on.

- You know what he did to me? - Who, Nero?

- We'll like it here. - Not really. If they catch us,

they'll have us become watchmen. - As long as we stay here.

They cut watchmen's balls.

- No. For what use? - None. They make them eat them.

Girls, are you new? Want to play a game?

- Yes. I'm going. - Not me. The dark bothers me.

- Hail. - Hail.

- Do I bother you if I sit down? - Go ahead.

- What's your name? - Lucilla. And you?

- Tizio... I mean Tizia. - Where are you from?

As a slave I'm from Tarragona, but we are from Ciociaria.

- But it's a big secret. - If it's a secret... You're going?

Sorry. The tree must've moved.

- Where are you? - Cuckoo!

- Here you are! - Who am I?

I don't remember the name, but you should introduce yourself.

I'm not scared of slavery.

My Lord said, "Blessed are the last for they shall be first".

- Really? - But I'm afraid of sin.

- My Lord doesn't want that. - Who is this lord of yours?

Look. This is his symbol.

He's the only real Lord of the world.

- He preached love. - Oh, love.

Now you're talking! I like this lord of yours.

- Good. I'm glad. - Me too.

- Here I am! I'll look for you later. - Bye.

Where are you? I can't find you.

- Caia! - Present.

With all these women we'll have fun here!

- I told you so. - Girls, come and get dressed.

- Who are you, Tizia? - No. I'm Caia.

- I'm Tizia. - I like you.

- What is your name? - Abdula. I will sodomize you.

- Don't you like her? - No.

When I get off work tonight, I'll come see you.

- Darn you! - Before they sodomize us,

let's run away. - Let's go!

- Let's go. He's not looking. - Yes, run.

- He saw us. - I knew it.

- I lost weight, but these sandals... - You're cute.

- You're very pretty. - Take this!

- Good for you! - Nice blow!

Wait for me!

- Me? - Yes. Who else? Come!

Darn you!

- He fell right inside! - Yes!

- There are two guards. - And so?

I don't know. Let's try climbing over the wall.

- Ok. I'll go first. - Easy, easy.

- What'll we do now? - I'll help you.

- Should I get on top of you? - Let's do a countdown.

- 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... - Are you there?

- Look on the other side. - I can't wait to get off work.

We are lucky. There's hay on the other side.

- I'll come up now. - I'll go first.

Come on. I must jump.

I'm coming! My God!!

You told me there was hay!

Did you jump from where we climbed up?

With all these walls I got confused. Wait. I'm coming.

Come on! Hurry!

- Come on! - Here I am.

I feel like a climber.

- Come on! Come down! - Good thing there's hay.

Here are the hotsies!

I was looking for you. Follow me.

- Poppaea is waiting for you. - Big stud!

Poppaea, are you fainting? Come on. It's nothing.

It's easy for you to say, but out of the blue

you come with these two slaves. You'll give me a heart attack.

But it was a deal. I paid peanuts for them.

Look at them.

They aren't cute, but they are genuine. Nice and hard.

Anyway, good for you.

I want to see Nero's face.

- I must take a bath now. - See you.

How wonderful!

What's the day like?

Hot.

Nice and hot.

- But there's a storm. - It's still hot.

- Divina, is it milk? - Yes.

- Is it fresh? - It's today's.

Let me taste it.

Here!

She's hot stuff!

- Down, down, down! - Who will massage now?

We'll massage together. You want tit or thigh?

- Thigh. - Me too. Luckily, she has two.

Thank goodness!

Do you like it?

I'll freshen up my make-up.

Hi!

Push!

Divina!

- Push faster. - Yes.

Is it noon? I can take a bath too.

- Hail. - Hail.

- Password. - Juventus-Pro Patria.

- 5 to 0. - Who scored?

Nobody. It's the password.

- What is Divina doing? - Sleeping.

Hail.

- What is it? - There's someone else.

Hail, Divina.

- Is it you, Vitruvius? - No. I'm Calpurnius.

- Vitruvius' shift starts at 4. - Now you know who invented

the assembly line. - As soon as he finishes, I start.

- But you're a slave. - You're convinced now too?

- We are two men. - I know, but what will you tell her?

That a celery suddenly grew on you?

In the other room there are 20 hot women slaves.

Will you tell them you grew a carrot?

- We'll say it's good for the eyes. - No. I'm staying here.

- Ok. Each one cooks on his own. - Bye.

- What are you doing? - Nothing.

Where is she? Lucilla!

- Here you are. - What are you touching?

Sorry. I made a mistake. I can't see anything in the dark.

- It's full of stuff here. - Tizia, is it you?

Yes. Make room.

That's it.

- What are you doing here? - I must talk to you.

- Now? - Yes. I am for the law

of your lord too, the law of love.

- You already told me that. - I like you very much.

Is it something spiritual or carnal?

- Carnal. - Then you are lesbian.

No. I'm from Ciociaria. I want to tell you a big secret.

- What? - I'm from Ciociaria.

You are a man! I should've realized it because I feel attracted to you.

But I can only love a man of my religion.

- Are you a Christian? - Very Christian!

And I like you a lot, my soul.

Strange. We Christians always show our identification symbol.

You haven't shown me your fish yet.

I am a bit embarrassed, but if you insist.

- You pig! - What an evening!

Sorry, dear. I shouldn't have. Our Lord is against violence.

I'm sorry. Maybe you didn't understand.

I am from Ciociaria and am ignorant.

Go, dear, and be careful. If they catch you, they'll kill you.

You be careful too. If they find out you're a Christian,

you'll be in trouble.

- See you later, brother. - Bye.

Hail.

- Hear that? She called him brother. - Is she the singer?

It's 4 o'clock and all is well!

- Who gives a darn! - He's the usual cuckold.

- It's 4 and all is well! - Go home!

Darn you!

It's 4 and all is well.

Not really. You woke me up.

It's 4 and all is well.

- Calpurnius, it's 4. - Oh, it's you.

- You want the password? - No.

Good night.

What a head! Are you Pruzzo?

See? It's my size.

- What's going on? - It's the garbage men.

- What time is it? - Four.

- You are not Vitruvius. Why? - Vitruvius has mumps.

- Who are you? - Quintus Pistolo. At your service.

You are short for being a Praetorian.

I'm part of the junior team.

- It's not the height that matters. - You're funny!

What an idea to send me a kid. Come. Jump into my arms.

- Oh, sure! - Hail, Divine.

- Did you trick me? - Hide. Nero is coming!

Nero will kill me!

Hi, dear. Look who is here!

- Hail, Lucius Domitius. - Are you there?

Call me Nero. I'll be your kitten, but not your chicken.

- Why do you say this? - The Praetorians are all here

yelling inside the building.

As an alarm ? Do they want some friend to get away?

- What are you saying, little Nero? - Don't call me little Nero.

You make me feel like a salami.

You say it in such an affected way.

I finally caught you, big baby. Where were you?

What do you want to do? I am a proper girl.

Come here. What are you afraid of?

- Have pity, lord. - Lord?

I am a slave as you are. Can't you see I'm madly in love?

- I can see that. - You are my size.

- Don't move! - I have serious intentions.

- That's what worries me. - Don't worry.

I just want a small advance.

- I don't give advances to anyone. - Why?

I'll tell you. I'm a man.

- I adapt. I come from Morocco. - Go kill yourself!

Hail!

Help! Help!

I came to meet the slaves that Tigellino bought.

- Where are they? - Are you impatient?

I'll have you meet them. Tizia! Caia!

- Hail, Divine. - Caia and Tizia.

Oh! What lovely rose buds!

You are very pretty.

You are very pretty. Did Tigellino buy you?

- Yes. - Cute, huh? A deal.

I only paid 30 sestertii for them.

And I'll keep it from your salary!

- Divine got upset. - Don't take it out on him.

He's not a pure aesthete like you.

Are you serious or are you teasing me?

No, Divine. You know how to choose women well. Look at me.

You convinced me, but careful, there are people around.

If you don't want them, I'll have them slit their throats.

Yes, but far away because the blood will splash.

What is this foul smell that comes from this city?

- Greece... - But we're in Rome!

Let me finish.

- Do I look better like this? - Yes.

Greece, you invented ecology!

I can't stand this Rome. I think I'll set it on fire.

It stinks! Yes, it stinks!

It's not Rome. I shit in my pants.

Really? Have them washed, and when they are clean

you can kill them.

How kind.

- Poppaea, I brought the slaves back. - Good.

What's for lunch? I smell boiled meet.

No. It's them. I soaked them in boiling water for 10 minutes.

- They came out very well. - Will Abdula or you kill them?

No. I'll take care of it. I've an Egyptian knife I want to try.

- Ok. - Bye.

You could call me Divina. I'm the emperor's wife.

Yeah, he's great! I've many ways of calling you.

- I've a lot to choose from. - Don't worry. I was kidding.

Oh! She's so cheap!

The personnel gets too friendly. They've become tough to deal with.

Well?

- What were we saying? Oh, yes. - Try to be brave

or we'll die from the smell this time.

I don't like obeying Nero, but you are so ugly

that this time Divine is right.

- He's right. - He's right.

I know this face. You've a brother who's a Praetorian?

- Actually... Almost! - Yes.

How do you say it? In a certain way, he's the Praetorian.

- Quintus Pistolo. You remember? - No, you are...

- And who are you? His girlfriend? - No. What girlfriend?

Women call me Wilkinson!

- Who is he? - The big spear guy, right?

- Then you are men! - We sure are!

Can we take our wigs off? My hair gets in my eyes.

Are you crazy? If Atte sees you, she'll tell on us.

- She's a poisonous viper. - Alright.

- There's a Byzantium perfume vendor. - Let him in.

I knew you wouldn't let him get away.

Granddad, come in.

- Hail. - Hail. Who are you?

For your slave, I'm Diomedes from Samo, perfume vendor.

- But for you... - For me?

- I'm a foreigner for you. - Gaius Calpurnius Piso!

- Gaius Calpurnius Piso. - Just call me Piso. I'm in a hurry.

I had to disguise myself to see you. If they catch me, I'm done.

You're silly. I told you that you could be emperor.

Let's get on with this conspiracy.

- A conspiracy? With who? - With lots of people.

The people are fed up with Nero. Even Seneca would approve.

Seneca? That old senile man?

Poppaea, we need an army here.

- And Ottone and Vitellius are away. - You could tell Galba.

Galba? You think it's easy? Galba is the most honest man of the empire.

We need at least 10,000 sestertii to convince him. Where do I get it?

- I've got it! - You have 10,000 sestertii?

No. That manner doesn't dish out any money.

- I know how to have him spit it out. - You'd do that for me?

For me. Remember, you belong to me.

- Go now. I'll join you tonight. - They'll recognize and follow you.

- How can you leave the building? - I know what to do.

I'll wait for you at Spartacus' tavern.

- It's worth it, Poppaea! - It's worth, it's worth it.

I'll show you how much Poppaea is worth.

Do you care about me, boys? Where are you?

We were thirsty!

So Piso will become emperor.

Will you follow me in this enterprise?

- Just don't ask us for money. - No. I'll give you money.

Your loyalty deserves a prize. It's 25 sestertii each.

Thanks, Poppaea. I'll keep it. You're too little to have money.

- Hail. - Hail.

- Any news? - Everything is set.

Look at that!

Do you mean me?

- Shall we go? - Let's go.

Wardrobe, gentlemen? Helmet, shield, sword. Are you together?

Take the receipt, and open your eyes.

She's so beautiful.

Hey, you two! Get closer.

- You mean us? - Come forward.

Would you scratch my nose? I can't move with this weight.

Thanks.

Take their clothes off, and get dressed!

Who are you?

- Inspection. - Password.

You say it. I do the inspection.

- Well? - I don't remember it.

Great! Hear that? The highest midget in the world doesn't remember it.

Tomorrow go to the commander and he'll whip you 10 times.

- 12 is better. - 12.

- Yes, sir. - Let's go, guys.

- That idiot didn't ask my name. - What did you say?

- Nothing. - 15.

Let's make it 20.

Halt! Caius, they stole the ladder.

No, there it is. Let's go.

Good!

Quick! Aren't we late?

- What time is it? - Yesterday at this hour it was 2.

- Wake up. What time is it? - It's 2 and all is well!

- What did I say? - How precise! Give me the lantern.

- But... - Imperial service.

- What'll I do? - Too bad for you!

- How can you always guess? - I have the ball.

I can't see jack shit. It's 2...

Darn! I'd like to know who invented this shitty job!

Drink. This is a nectar.

- How did it go? - Badly. He didn't receive us.

The Praetorians are entering! Every man for himself!

They came to arrest me.

- You wait for me here. - Yes, sir!

- Host, bring us some wine! - And beans. I'm hungry!

The beans are finished.

- Who will pay me? - They will.

OK. What can I bring?

- You have roasted lamb? - If I waited for you to sell it,

I'd have gone bankrupt. - Do you have stewed potatoes?

The last portion is gone.

- You have two sheep steaks? - No more sheep.

- You have lice? - I'll check in the kitchen.

How did you corrupt those 2 Praetorians?

They're not Praetorians. They're from ITS.

- What is ITS, Divina? - Lucanus, you're a poet.

- You don't deal with politics. - No, aside from some conspiracies.

Anyway, ITS means Inverted Tarragona Slaves.

I can count on them with my eyes closed.

I'm sure that tomorrow morning Nero is in for an ugly surprise.

- Can you hide me? - I'll take care of it, dear.

- Tavern keep! - Brigadier, what'll I get you?

- A pigeon. - Roasted or stewed?

Alive.

- Divine. - Well? Did you find her?

No. I had them look for her even in the basement.

- Poppaea has disappeared. - Where did that idiot go?

What are those watchmen doing? What did they say?

They just remember Poppaea dancing, and having gotten hit over the head.

Someone may have assaulted her.

- I... - You?

No. I found her apartment all upside down.

All upside down! It's an impossible city!

Now they even come to get you at home.

- A pigeon. - What did you say?

A pigeon. Who sends you, you awful dear bird?

The goddess Minerva? Did you come for crumbs?

Come here. Is your leg in a cast?

Are you horny? Let me see.

A message!

No! A message!

- Is it for you? - Let me read it.

- "Son of a..." - It's for you!

You are all against my poor mom.

Good thing I got rid of her or she'd have lived a horrible old age.

- What does it say? - Let me see.

"If you want Poppaea alive, you will pay 10,000 sestertii."

"The yellow-red brigades". You can't even trust the Roma team fans anymore!

They are faithful until death. They must be other yellow-reds.

The Catanzaro yellow-reds?

You can do what you want with Poppaea.

I'll get another one and marry her.

- Nero... - No, Mendelssohn.

Nero, how are you reasoning?

The people love Poppaea and if they don't see her anymore,

they'll think you killed her. There are already rumors.

What should I do? Pay the 10,000 sestertii?

- It's not easy. - I have an idea.

Put out a one-time tax.

For example, on horses. One horse, 10 sestertii.

10 horses, 100 sestertii, and so on.

- Feel like it? - Tigellino...

- I'm here. - Yes. Does it seem right to you?

- We'll damage the rich. - Well?

Wait a minute. They have money and pay for cigars.

No, they haven't invented them yet.

They'll pay hired killers and beat us up.

Better to put a one-time tax on children.

One child, 10 sestertii, 2 children, 20 sestertii.

We must hit their assets.

But whoever has children is a poor devil.

How did you have children?

Did you have fun? Well, now you pay!

True. I hadn't thought of it. You're a genius.

I know. The gods were good with me.

Come on. Let's collect the 10,000 sestertii.

- What will you do with it? - But...

You scared me. What do you want?

I've been listening to you and that nincompoop Tigellino.

- Watch out how you speak! - You watch out!

If I open my mouth, you'll see what happens.

- You haven't realized it yet? - Well? Poppaea is my wife.

- And I must save her. - What a great idea!

Remember those two women you wanted to kill?

They ran away with Poppaea and asked you for money to have fun.

You are a real viper!

- And you're stupid. - How dare you? You are a slave.

- And you're a piece of shit! - You're not saying anything?

She didn't say it to me. To you.

Nero, listen.

- I didn't understand a thing! - I said I have an idea!

- You have an idea? - Yes!

Come on. I'm dying.

I'm starving.

Here.

- It's good. - But it is so thin.

We need a nice lamb. This one makes me want to cry.

Oh, my back!

You think Nero's answer arrived?

Don't know. I gave orders to bring the pigeon when it returns.

This delay is strange.

Something smells good!

- What is it? Pheasant? - No, pigeon. You want a piece?

- No, thanks. Where did you find it? - They brought it this morning.

- It's no big deal. - It even had a swollen leg.

- Maybe it had nephritis. - That was Nero's message!

- Hoodlums! - Don't be angry.

- We threw the legs away. - Where?

- Around here. We'll look for them. - Go on!

- It's not easy! - Piso, help us.

- Or we are ruined! - Nothing here.

What's this? No, that's a turd.

Here it is! It's the swollen one! You're right. There's a message.

- Read it! - Yes.

- I don't know how to write. - Give it. I'll read it.

"To the fake yellow-red Brigade: we'll settle accounts later."

"You'll find 10,000 sestertii the day after tomorrow at Orti di Galatea

next to the statue of Cupid." - Who is it?

"But I want Poppaea intact. It's a way of saying."

"In good condition."

"And I hope you will need this money for medicines. Nero."

We made it! Good girl! I'll have my 10,000 sestertii!

Easy. I'll have the 10,000 sestertii.

Relax, or I'll pick someone else to become an emperor.

I was kidding, love.

Anyway, be cautious. I'll be waiting at my villa on Via Appia.

If I could have

1,000 lyres a month...

What? You're a nuisance enough with one lyre. Imagine with 1,000.

Atte, you always ruin my inspiration.

Hail, Caesar.

Call me Lucius Domitius or Nero but not Caesar.

It brings bad luck. He got stabbed 44 times.

- 45. - 44.

- In the year 45. - 44 plus one makes 45.

- Who are these strange men? - These are 3 champions.

From the losers' Olympics?

No, they are champions of the special secret police department.

- Look at this. - "Clean Rome".

He looks like a street cleaner. But look at this broom.

It's a spear! What about this couple in love?

Look at this girl. Uncover.

Are balls worn high this year? Are they transvestites?

No, you're wrong, Divine.

These are two hunks ready to jump against the empire's enemy.

I will cover the Orti di Galatea with such men!

Great. They'll be good fertilizer.

Be quiet, Atte!

Listen. Did you find the sestertii?

- I found them. - Don't do anything asinine.

- I've a brain that's explosive. - Boom!

- What is it? - Your brain burst.

- That bag is so big. - It's full of sestertii.

This time we got the best of him.

- They're cleaning and working a lot. - Maybe there a new mayor.

Are you ready? Hold on tight.

We must pretend we are the watchmen. Calm down.

All these people don't convince me.

Will you be able to get the bag without being noticed?

- Sure. We got organized earlier. - We will snatch it.

- But don't be noticed. - No.

Go! Grab it!

Cupid, did you think my ass was a target?

Here I am!

Boo! Don't be scared. It's me.

- You're in the garbage department? - I disguised myself to save you.

- Thanks, my faithful friend. - Let's go. It's all over!

Dear. there is a litter on the road for you. Did you suffer a lot?

A little, but it's over. Thank you, Tigellino.

Thank heavens!

What idiots! They took Poppaea and left us the bag!

- Those suckers! - Let's go. Grab it.

I'll help you. It's so heavy!

With all the sestertii that are inside!

Dear Poppaea, are you happy to be in your home again?

I am very grateful, my emperor.

I spent terrible hours in a dark cell.

- Did they rape you? - Nobody dared touch me.

- That is why it was terrible. - I know you, Divine.

You're joking to hide your emotion. I know you love me.

You cost me a lot of sacrifice.

You cost me a lot of money. Isn't it true, Tigellino?

Yes, a lot of stones!

All gravel gotten from the Aniene river!

So there aren't sestertii in the bag, but stones.

It's heavy and I am so tired.

Yes, but think how pissed off they'll be when they realize

that we got the sestertii. - Sure.

- Will they notice us with this bag? - We won't open it.

- We'll tell them they are beans. - I wish. I'm so hungry.

- Easy - Easy.

- Excuse me. - Them again. What do you want?

- We want to eat. - We are very hungry.

Yes, but after having eaten who will pay me?

I want money, not chit-chat.

- We've got a bunch of sestertii. - Good!

- You don't trust me? - No.

We have 25 sestertii each. Right, Caius?

Yes, Poppaea's.

- Let me see. - Here.

Nice!

- Are you eating them? - They're good!

- What'll I bring you? - Everything!

You want to eat a lot. I'll have you stuff yourselves!

- They are two! - No, three!

Two, one for each eye.

- Who is he? - David.

- And Goliath? He is done with him.

- Will you buy? - We're not buying anything here.

No blades, or ties or corn plaster.

- I'm bringing you a big deal. - Keep it to yourself. I have mine.

If you give me 50 sestertii, I'll give you the amphora.

Wise guy! Does your mom send you out alone?

You have intelligent eyes.

- This contains stone oil. - They squeeze stones now?

Be quiet. You don't understand.

He does. This oil, in my country, spurts out of the ground.

- Do they season trees with it? - No.

This oil catches fire more than resin and Greek tar.

And increases in value.

Today you buy it at 50 sestertii, and tomorrow at 500 sestertii.

- In a month, at 5,000 sestertii. - Isn't that something!

You are being funny, but you'll see when there's a crisis

how the government will shove it up your ass with stone oil.

Cupid has already taken care of that with me with a marble arrow.

Let's buy it. These are for the tips.

It's a deal.

How quick! Is he Gheddafi?

- Lets' go. - Yes.

Here, enjoy it all.

Even if these Praetorians are wearing civilian clothes,

when they eat, you spot them a mile away. Darn them!

Look who is here!

- Hello, guys. - Our Sempronius!

How fortunate to see you.

Did you know I changed merchandize?

Now I buy and sell gladiators.

What can gladiators be useful for?

If you want to come with me, I'll make you rich.

- Us? - He'll make us rich!

Speak. Time is money.

It would take 50 years to count all these sestertii.

I have the Circus Maximus employment agency.

If you want to come see me this is my business card.

Well? Who will pay the bill?

- Him! - Me? Are you crazy?

I don't even know them and I'm in a hurry.

- He'll go to the office. - Well, what'll we do?

- What'll we do? - I want the sestertii.

- Ok, I'll get them from the bag. - Sure.

Get them wherever, but just get them.

People don't trust anyone. Here, good man.

Thank God we are magnanimous.

- You're giving me stones? - Stones!

He calls sestertii stones!

He calls sestertii stones. These...

Stones...

- They are stones. - They are stones.

They swindled us!

I'm going to the john a minute.

- Just a moment, Tizio! - Where are you going? Those scums!

Those filthy thieves stuffed themselves!

- It hurts! - What a blow!

- Be strong. Come up. - My head is heavy.

- Be strong. Come up. - My head is heavy.

It's because you have a rock in your hood.

Good thing we ate and made this deal.

Let's see what they gave us.

- Here. - What does it smell like?

- Smells like petroleum. - Want to bet it doesn't catch fire?

Let's try!

Slowly.

It smelled it!

You knows what those are called here? "Agnelli". Did you get it?

- Let's see if it catches fire. - Light it.

- My God! - Help! I'm burning!

Wait for me. You'll light the way!

How is Divina after this adventure?

Fine, Patronius. She's being so nice...

To think I thought she was in agreement with the thieves!

That bitch Atte is to blame. She puts me against her.

- Hail, Divine. - What?

- Hail, Divine! - It's you. What do you want?

There's an assembly of women who asked to be received.

They want to fight childbirth. They want free abortion.

Darn it. Didn't you tell them about the right to life?

I did, and they answered, "Is this life?"

These women all want to have the last word.

Is that smoke?

But... Over there too.

And also there.

There are flames too.

Patronius, look. Flames! Rome is burning!

Divine... Nero, we're in trouble.

Word has gotten around that you set fire to Rome.

- Nero set fire to Rome! - They want to enter the building

and put your guts in your hands. - Disgusting!

I am innocent! I didn't move from here!

Oh, gods!

What now?

- What'll we do now? - Find another culprit.

- Are you talking? - I talked.

Then tell him Galba did it, or Vitellius.

No, the culprit must be on hand to deliver him to the people.

You, then.

- You. - Not me.

Well... This laurel is a bore.

- In Naples they say the same! - Help me, Tigellino.

- Yes. - Not like that. Help me...

Help me find the culprit too.

- There are the Christians. - But only the women.

It's an excellent idea. Hold the lyre. Watch out, it slips.

I'll arrest all of them,

close up those Demo-Christians in the Circus Maximus

and we'll have a big show.

I don't know how to play this one yet.

And then you know what we'll do? We'll kill them all.

So when the people see all these dead, they'll calm down.

- Go tell them. - I should?

- Go tell them. - I'll tell them.

People of Rome, listen to me!

The Christians set fire to the city!

But don't worry, we'll kill all of them!

Tigellino loves his Nero.

He wouldn't even stop in front of death. Of others.

- Don't worry. - Who is worried?

I am glad you are here, but exercise now.

Soon there will be the show.

Otherwise the Christians will look better. They're playing out of town.

We just need an even score. Right?

- Are they arresting the Christians? - They set fire to Rome.

- It's true. - It's true.

Nero did it, but we must say this.

- We must say this. - You want to contradict him?

Come with me.

So... We don't need this. Get it out of the way.

- Ready? - Ready.

- Did I hurt you? - No. I'm used to it.

- Are you upset with me? - No, I'm evil.

- So... You take the net. - Do you like it?

- Yes. - I made it myself.

Good for you!

Take the net and have it turn around

and around and then..

- Like cowboys do. - Did I hurt you?

No, I'm used to it. Then loosen it, block it with your knee and then...

- Did I hurt you? - No.

- Then shield it with the shield. - Alright?

You raise the shield and attract him with the dagger.

Attract him and dodge him and then...

- Did he hurt you? - Yes. I'm not used to this.

Do you remember everything I taught you?

- Sure it's not dangerous? - No. Just get used to it.

Remember that Spartacus got rich with this trade.

- Are we late? - No.

- Will they pay us? - What do you care? I keep the money.

- Are you in a hurry? - No, I'm used to it.

- Then why are you running - They let the lions out.

- What do we care? - They come this way.

- Really? - Go!

My love! Who locked you up in here?

- You can't talk to her. - Why?

- Because she is Christian. - I am a Christian too.

- Really? - Then go inside!

- Can't we talk anymore? - Hurry!

Did you believe me? I didn't mean it.

You're not saying anything to them? Tizio isn't Christian.

- I'm used to it. Goodbye! - Where are you going?

There's been a misunderstanding. He isn't Christian.

- Who says? - Me.

- And who are you? - His friend.

- What does the notice say? - What does it say?

"Friends of Christians are considered Christians."

I don't know him. You were right in arresting him!

- Hurry. Don't make us waste time. - I don't know him!

- Hurry! - He even asked me for money!

- Welcome, brother. - Thanks. It's great to have a friend.

Not really.

Why are these lions so pissed off?

- Because they're hungry. - Why don't they feed them?

They will. That's why we're here, brother.

What a coincidence, my love!

I've been waiting for this moment a long time.

I need just one thing to be happy.

- What? - The hole.

What? Not that. My religion doesn't allow it.

What did you understand?

A hole in the wall, like those in the catacombs.

Or they'll see us. Shall we consummate this marriage?

Yes. We are obliged anyway.

Then let's go consummate.

Where are they?

Maybe this is the right place.

Get inside.

I like you because you are prude.

Yes, but hurry because this is hard work.

There.

Here we are.

Stay down so they won't see us. Didn't your mother tell you anything?

Let's go. Out!

Hurry!

- Everyone out! Come on! - Lord...

Come on!

Hurry! Out!

- You too, out! - No!

- Stop with that whip! - Stop!

- No! - Stop!

Holy smokes!

- No! - Come here!

- No! - Come here!

- I said out! - Out? You could've said so.

- Let's go! - Calm down. I'm coming.

I think they took them all away.

- They must have freed them. - No. Don't you hear?

They fed them to the lions.

They took him away too.

What a bad way to go, my poor friend. Darn it!

- Come on! - Stop!

- I am delicate. - Let's go!

- Don't show up in the arena again! - Who wants to come?

They ate them all. Who knows where Tizio is hiding.

- How are you? - What a great call!

- How were you saved? - It happened in 4 steps.

- Tell me about it. - Yes.

I was there looking evil.

A lion came and I shit in my pants.

He smelled me... and fainted.

Those bastards took it out on me and kicked me out.

Those lions are right!

- What are we waiting for? - Let's wait, let's wait.

Here she is!

- How did you do it, Divina? - I ran away

during the show at Circus Maximus.

Well?

Come on, Gaius Calpurnius Piso,

let's get rid of stinky.

The philosopher recited lovely verses.

You should write them, Lucano. You are a good poet.

I can't. I am too bitter.

If I wrote them now they'd call me “bitter Lucano".

Let's get serious.

Yes. To kill Nero,

why are you choosing Christian prisoners?

Because they hate their persecutor, and they won't talk.

I heard that they were cowards.

These are the last Christians left.

They went like hot cakes in the arena today.

Go.

- Are you brave? - Like lions. Right?

- No. - I know them. I can guarantee.

- What are you doing here? - I am his girlfriend.

- We must keep her out of it. - I want to stay with you.

No, it's dangerous. Go to Piso's villa and wait for us there.

Yes, because you two must be disguised at Praetorians tonight.

- Again? - Quiet. You're always complaining!

Bye, Lucilla. See you soon, love. Watch out for Piso.

- Was your granddad a Bersaglieri? - I don't think so.

It's 2 o'clock and all is well.

Alright? We are in a real mess!

- And you can believe me! - I don't believe it!

I repeat that all's well and it's 2 o'clock!

Not all is well. My wife ran away!

Lucky yout! My wife brings men home!

- Then it's true. - What?

That you are cuckold!

Darn! It's 2 past 2.

- Two what? - Two sons of bitches!

Seneca and I will have him leave through here with some excuse.

As soon as he leave, trip him

and throw the cape over him. - Alright.

When you see him on the ground finish him off with a club.

Ok? Understand?

Here.

Divine.

- Nero, wake up! - Breakfast? What did you bring?

It's the chamber pot! Put it down and let me sleep.

Nero, I smell something burning.

After such a fire, it will last for months.

Wake up! Remember those two men who stole Poppaea?

They are outside dressed as Praetorians. I recognized them.

- What do they want? - They're plotting something.

- Why would they want to kill you? - Me?

- You! - Me? Help! Uncover me!

Who could it have been? Petronius? No, he likes poison.

Call Tigellino and tell him to wait for me with the special chariot

outside the security exit. I'm rushing to Anzio.

Take me! I've been wanting to have fish soup.

Does this seem like the right moment? They make good ones there.

Go and save your emperor. Reserve for two.

- Save your emperor. - Nero.

Too late. Kill me. Who is it?

- Friends. - I don't have friends anymore.

Don't come in. Go away. You'd think I said, "come in".

Oh, it's you. Why did you come?

I brought Calpurnius Piso who must leave for Greece.

I like Greece. Didn't you have the return game in Britannia?

Nero, the chariot is ready.

I found out that Seneca and Piso are plotting something.

Bye. Here they are!

Now go straight home and... No, wait...

Cut your veins, and you... Get him! Stop him!

But I am a...

Piece of shit.

- Bravo! - They aren't Praetorians.

- To arms! - No!

- Move! - Go away!

- The chamber pot! - Where is the secret exit?

It's behind the curtain.

- That way. Thanks. - Have a good rest.

What a blow!

You shit in your pants too, huh?

But...

How did you find out...

- Poppaea told me. - Is it possible? Poppaea?

- How did you find out? - Poppaea told me.

Is it possible? Poppaea?

- How did you find out? - Poppaea told me.

How did she find out? Not you!

- I don't know. - That is why I'm asking her!

Where 100 eyes of men don't reach

the ear of a woman does.

Come, come.

- Come, kitten. - Tigellino.

- Come. - Tigellino.

She'll end up sleeping with me!

Here they are.

- There's a chariot. - Yes, I see it.

- Isn't Divine coming? - Yes. Here he is. Let's go.

- Hurry. To Albalonga. - To deliver the secret message.

- Fly. The emperor has many enemies. - Even among the guards. Go!

The Divine is gone! They stole the special chariot. Follow them!

Those hoodlums tricked me again!

Auriga, hurry with this chariot! Come on, whip them!

You're not whipping them?

- They won't stop! - No!

Hurry!

- There's a box here. - Yes. I rammed against it 3 times.

- "Emergency" is written on it. - Then open it.

- See what an organization? - Tear flour!

- You see? - Let's put it in the flour-thrower!

- I'll put the flour and you pump. - No, I'll put the flour.

- Ok. You put the flour and I pump. - No, I should better pump.

- I'll put the flour and you pump! - Can't you see I'm pumping?

- Harder! - Hard. Put the flour!

- Is it too much? - They are insisting.

- I found the laser! - Set fire to his helmet.

You got him!

We put them in flour, and now we cooked them!

Come on!

They are gaining ground.

- I found the oil. - Pour it!

We'll have them slip now.

This didn't do anything to them. I'll take a look.

Look.

- This is the good one! - Delinquents!

You are hurting us!

- What did you throw at them? - "Sasso" Oil.

The guards! There's a road block!

- Go! Go! - Stop!

Bravo. You look like a skier!

Come on!

- We'll move it. They're coming here. - We can't go back and forth.

- There they are! - We are wrong again.

Whip harder. They are catching up.

- Where are you rushing to? -You're going to the vinaigrette fair?

No, the mayonnaise one!

- We'll come too! - So will we!

Yes. We aren't many.

Honk when you pass!

- Let us off! - Cowards!

She was so kind.

Watch out. There's a funeral.

What happened?

Darn you!

You just run and act like nothing happened. Understand?

Come on!

Go on! Whip harder!

You're leaving me here? Let me down!

- Stop! - How?

He's hanging on the tree!

- I don't know. Pull! - You pull!

- Let's see who gets there first. - Come on!

It's not my fault if Piso had to hide in the Alps.

- Go a little faster. - I can't go on.

Don't complain. Thank the gods that I found you before Nero,

and disguised you as Ethiopians. If not, you know where you'd be?

At least you are alive. What matters is saving your hide.

- Not really. - We are covered with charcoal.

- Come on. - Listen, Divina.

- How much longer? - 600 kilometers.

- Then let's hurry. - Yes. We'll be there in 4 years.

- Come on. - Come on.

- Stop a minute. - Yes.

- Excuse me. I must do something. - Yes, go.

My hands are burning!

- Here I am. Ready? - Did you do it all?

- Go! - Go!

- Go! See? It's better. - You are lighter.

It's my turn after.

Great idea! Come on!

- Come on, come on. - Pull!

- Pull harder! - I'm pulling.

Another stretch and we've finished.

What? Another 600 kilometers! Make way!

Make way! Get out of my way!

Go, go! Trot, trot! Go! Go! Help, it won't stop!

Tizio, did you hurt yourself?

No. They put the sign at the end.

Sons of bitches! What's written there?

"Watch out for falling objects."