Original subtitles

Perfect.

I'm Detective Gill Cutler

and this is my partner, Joe Forest.

We deal with the dregs of society.

A nosy female neighbor asserts a pervert

named Mr. Burleson is keeping something strange

in the basement he manages so we're gonna pay him a visit.

Burleson!

Burleson!

Freeze.

Lots of dogs around here somewhere.

That wetback hag said there was basement, right?

Always a damn basement.

Always a damn basement.

See ya later T-Bone.

Beach, it's me.

Meet me at the cabin.

I'll be there as soon as the bank opens.

All right.

Hello?

Is anyone here?

Oh thank God, a cabin.

I gotta pee.

Surprise!

The bad news is it still fits.

So they insisted on the costume.

The good news is, I've only gone up one pant size.

Not too shabby for Kid Crackshot.

I need to be in Pittsburgh by noon

for the autograph signing.

I'll be back late tonight.

Are you going to be okay?

Sure.

Look, they pay a lot of money.

These conventions are the only ones where there are people

that wanna see me anymore.

These old TV shows will never die.

There are the guys.

Really don't like you hanging out with them.

They were production guys from the TV show.

We spent a lot of time together back in the day.

They're having trouble getting work also

so I thought I might bring them along.

There are all kinds of directors and producers

who hang out at these conventions.

Maybe it'll help them find work.

Okay, I'll see you tonight.

They pay cash, right?

Oh yeah, they pay cash.

What's up, Kid Asscrack?

Shut up.

This is yours.

Man, what do you want?

I'm a cop, T-bag.

What, I haven't done nothing.

You were talking on a payphone.

Only junkies, pushers, pimps,

and general shit heads like you

ever talk on payphones anymore.

So we're gonna have a little talk.

Jackie?

Beach, I'm at the bank.

Have you left yet?

I'm just about ready.

How did you finally get the key from him?

Did he have his hands on you?

Well, he was my husband, Beach,

just once upon a time.

You think he's gonna let you go that easily?

Well, that's what the cabin's for.

Just to lay low until we know what happens.

Believe me

I'll make sure.

Ed, we're almost there.

Hand over the masks.

Hey, that's a Kid Crackshot mask.

Yeah?

I can't wear a friggin' Kid Crackshot mask.

Why?

It's the perfect cover.

Why would you wear a Kid Crackshot mask to rob a bank

when you play the real Kid Crackshot on TV?

Bull.

I thought Ed was getting us Mexican wrestling masks.

Nobody makes those anymore.

You're the only one who beats off to those old movies.

Screw it, Ed can wear it.

You really think Ed has the physique to be Kid Crackshot?

I'm just big boned.

Come on, guys.

Jesus, I'll wear the stupid mask.

It'll be ironic.

Thank you.

I'll let you know if I need you.

T-Bone, you bastard.

You've been holding out big time.

And from your faithful wife.

You're sure that money is in there?

That buddy of mine's a second year director

on a new horror movie that's coming to town next week.

He tried to get me a job but the director's a real dick.

Anyway, he said they wanna cash checks

through a local bank for the PR

and to get things done quicker.

They deposited a couple mil last Friday.

What's the movie?

What do you care?

It's a made-for-TV dinosaurs versus Big Foot or something.

I played a Big Foot.

There's no fucking job for you, Ed,

because there ain't gonna be no movie.

We're stealing the entire fucking budget right now.

Oh, yeah.

Just get your peashooter ready and let's do this.

You did a good job, Ed.

These prop guns look like the real thing.

Prop guns?

Oh crap, this is a real gun?

Isn't that what you wanted?

You're a licensed prop master, Ed.

You were supposed to get us fake guns.

If we wanted real guns, we would've gone to a pawn shop.

That's where I went, a pawn shop.

Damn it!

You know how much more time we can get

with real guns?

Here's an idea.

Don't get your ass caught!

Screw it, we're here, let's do this.

It is done.

Whatever it takes, baby.

Hello?

Is anybody out there?

You all right?

Anybody back here?

Ah, just great!

Hey, you.

We need a car.

We need to get the hell outta here.

Leave her alone, Sparks.

- No, not now. - Shut up.

Get in and drive.

Damn it!

Get in the car and drive!

Drive now!

Come on.

You just keep driving.

Everything'll be fine if you just keep it cool.

Lady, we're going to swap cars up here.

When we get there, we'll let you go.

I said, when we get to the exchange point,

we'll let her go.

How 'bout you just shut the fuck up for now?

Hello, Meatball.

Boosted any cars lately?

No man, I work in the movies now.

Oh, they let T-bags like you work in movies now?

But uh, I drive stunt cars, legit.

Oh, rotten apples like you don't fall too far

from the tree.

What are you guys waiting for?

Our friend, Meatball, was supposed to meet us here

with another car to swap.

Then we were gonna drive somewheres and split the money.

Don't say no one's name, Ed.

So this is the meetup point.

Let's move on to the meeting place.

Hey, we can just go on to the meeting place.

Meatball didn't tell you where the meeting place was?

He arranged all that!

I didn't ask!

You have got to be kidding me.

Hey, who's that?

Is that Meatball?

He never drove a whip that good.

Police, freeze!

We're busted!

Damn it!

Where are you taking us?

I have a place where we can hide out.

What?

This is what happens whenever you trust your plan

to a guy named freakin' Meatball.

What, man?

You story needs a sequel.

We lost your friends but my partner here

got the plate number off that getaway car

from the bank robbery.

Appears it belongs to a local entrepreneur

named Tony Capetto.

People call him T-Bone.

I don't know him!

Yeah, I figure a little street cockroach like you

wouldn't know a high roller like Capetto.

But you might know the little skeeve

who was driving his car.

I need to pee.

What?

You need my hideout?

I need a bathroom.

We're out in the country.

Pull over and find a tree.

Huh, and let you pervs look at my bare ass?

I don't think so.

Look, there probably isn't any place around here.

Just go outside somewhere.

We ain't letting her out of our sight.

This is my car with my stuff in the back.

Plus we made a deal.

Hey, watch yourself.

You think I want you guys driving off in my used car.

Still have payments on this thing.

Seriously, dude?

Beach,

be ready

with your gun.

Send.

Wish I was that tree.

Or at least a leaf.

Shut up, jackass!

Yeah, I understand.

Well, lemme give you a head start.

You can't be anywhere near any of this when this happens.

Why don't you go on vacation or something?

Consider it done, boss.

Whose Jeep is that?

Hey, I said whose Jeep is that?

It's nobody's.

It's just a spare car that they leave up here for guests.

It probably needs a jump or something,

it's been here for so long.

Who's waiting for you?

Nobody!

It's my boyfriend's place

but they never come up here anymore.

You got a boyfriend?

Shut up, Romeo!

That's the least of your problems right now.

You come with me.

Asscrack, watch the chick.

I suppose I should put a gun on you.

But what's the point?

Don't I know you from somewhere?

I doubt it.

Well, you know your friend Meatball

sold you out to the cops, right?

He's not my friend

and he's not been reliable since, well�

Trusting this whole plan to a meth head, huh?

God, not meth.

What are you thinking?

What do you call it when you breathe in the paint

like from the paper bag?

Okay, that's it then.

Hey, your car keys.

I'll go get the money.

So what's for dinner?

No.

Nice!

Which way is the toilet?

Hey!

Which way is the toilet?

Great.

Oh.

Hey, what's all his stuff?

Looks like a bunch of scuba gear and underwater equipment.

Is that right?

Looks like it.

Why, do you dive?

No, I had to learn about it one time.

He was in a movie that took place underwater.

We all worked on it.

Ed.

That's it, that's what I know you from.

You were in that show whenever you were a kid.

It was called Crack Commando.

Yeah, that's it.

'Cept we all used to call it, um�

Yeah, I remember what everybody used to call it.

Yeah.

So tell me about this movie you were in.

It was called Razor Teeth.

It was about Piranha.

And he got his leg chewed off.

In the movie, not in real life.

Never saw it.

I been in a lot of movies nobody ever saw.

I played Big Foot a couple of times.

Have you ever seen Big Foot House Party?

This ain't the place to be talking about Big Foot.

Hey, I'm packin' here.

You better not be messing around out there.

So, changing the subject, how'd you know

about this cabin?

Um, a friend of mine, his grandpa used to live up here

for a long time but he died recently.

Did he die in that outhouse?

Smells like the devil's colon in there.

Oh, man up, big guy!

In fact, he was mauled by a bear.

Yeah, no shit?

I think I just saw that bear out there.

Something with red eyes was just staring at me.

Bears ain't got red eyes.

Oh shut up!

YoU played a tattered ass Big Foot

and you think you know about bears.

If we just stay inside tonight, we should be cool.

Oh, what am I supposed to do, piss in a can?

You brought us here.

That fucking toilet is right out there.

If it wasn't for me, you three would be looked up tonight.

So what's your angle anyway?

I still don't get it.

I told you.

The money that's mine, I keep it.

As far as you three are concerned, I don't care.

You know, go off and I'll tell everybody

you held me against my will and I was so scared

I don't remember your faces.

I don't care.

So where did you get that big bag of money anyway?

Uh, same place you did, National Bank.

I mean before that.

I fuckin' earned it!

I'll bet you earned it.

Hey, please shut up a minute.

Now who the hell you calling?

Whoa, whoa.

I thought we were all partners here now.

I don't know what's going on

with anybody anymore, you know.

Just put your toy gun away, tough guy, all right?

I just wanna know who my edgy partner is calling.

I'm calling my wife, okay?

Remember, we were supposed to be back

from the sci-fi convention in Pittsburgh tonight.

Obviously not going to make that.

Hello.

Hey, babe, it's me.

Looks like me and the guys

are going to stay over in Pittsburgh tonight.

There's a hot young director we ran into.

He's always loved my work.

He wants to put me in something new.

That's great, honey, what is it?

It's Razor Teeth, Part Two.

I thought you got killed in that one.

No, remember, babe, I just had my leg chewed off.

You can live from that.

They'll probably give me like a robot leg or something.

Look, I gotta go.

We're meeting this guy for drinks.

This director is a guy, right?

I told you Trina, never again.

Look, I gotta go.

See you tomorrow.

So, you're married, huh?

See, that's why I kick bitches out

first thing in the morning.

Shit, damn it.

Maybe Beach left his keys in his Jeep.

Do you really think you could get away with this, bitch?

Do you think you could cheat T-Bone?

Here it comes, bitch.

Hey!

Jesus, Ed!

Oh, you scared the crap outta me!

What are you doing?

I'm going to take a piss.

I been holding it all night.

I thought I heard a splash.

Not yet you didn't.

No peeking, Ed.

I wouldn't peek.

No, you wouldn't peek, would you, Ed?

You're a gentleman, a gentle giant.

It's true.

I got an inner life.

Guys don't know that about that, do they?

How 'bout we go for a walk?

This access road leads up to a rock quarry.

They just reopened it and then had to close it again.

They had a couple gory accidents up there.

An explosion?

I would guess so.

Anyway, they closed it again

which makes it a lot more peaceful up here.

I suppose your boyfriend told you all that?

I don't think

he's my boyfriend anymore.

Oh.

I need a friend, Ed.

Sure.

You know what else is nice about old rock quarries?

What?

They get filled up with water.

There's water in the lake back there.

But at this one nobody can see us.

Ed.

Ed.

- What? - Okay.

Ed, um�

Ed just�

Ed, he just, um, yeah, Ed just um,

Ed just walked outta here with all our money.

What?

That doesn't sound like Ed.

Well, we didn't think he'd be up to robbing a bank

with us either, now did we?

That fucking bastard!

Wait, you said he walked off.

Yeah, I tried to stop him

but maybe he had a friend up there.

He ain't got no other friends.

He can't have gotten very far on foot.

God, what a mess this is turning out to be!

Come on.

You stay here.

Oh, I'll stay here.

You still got that bitch's car keys?

Yeah.

And that other car don't start?

That's what she said.

There's no way she gave Ed those keys.

Do you think he's out there waiting for us?

He could've put two in our brain pans

while we were sleeping if that's what he wanted.

Yeah, that's what I'm gonna do to him

once we find him.

Let's go.

Hey!

Did you hear that?

That's a cellphone.

Where's it coming from?

Ah, oh God!

Yo, who the hell is Beach?

No!

No!

Oh God.

He told me there'd be no more sluts.

Now, just because she's an ex-pole dancer

married to a gangster doesn't mean she's a slut.

He's been around women his entire life.

He was on a television show as a kid.

It's just different for him.

What did they call that again?

Crack Commando.

Crack what?

Jesus, no wonder he turned to a life of crime.

Listen, you said you was gonna help us out.

I think you need to talk him outta there,

you know, so nobody gets hurt.

Are you sure there was even a woman involved?

Meatball wasn't even in the car

when they came to pick up Andy.

Yeah, they're no masterminds, right?

But yeah, she's there, I saw her.

But don't worry, I think she's got a different boyfriend.

What kinda cabin is this?

We're about to find out.

Oh my God!

Look, my friend is dead, Ed ran off with the money.

There's no reason that we just can't drive

outta here right now, to just drive outta here.

She's right.

And do what?

I ain't got anything else!

Hey, what the hell made this track?

That wouldn't have been the wild bear

I saw the other night, would it?

Oh shit!

Come on!

Come on!

Come on, mother fucker!

Mmm, come on.

Oh God!

Is that what I think it was?

Did you think it was a dinosaur?

Because I think that's what it actually was.

Holy shit!

All that dynamiting at the rock quarry,

all the killings up here, do you think it could've,

you know, made something come up

like in those fucking Godzilla movies?

I don't know.

I was never in any Godzilla movies.

What are you doing?

I'm gonna go look for, you know,

a spear or what do you call it, crossbow or something

that you use underwater.

There'd be no reason.

You would only need those for predators

and they would be in salt water.

That out there is fresh water.

Did you learn that in a cheap B movie as well?

Look, this is bigger than a bank robbery

or anything else right now, okay?

Just use your cellphone and call the cops

and get them up here.

Mine went dead.

Wait, you had a cellphone this whole damn time?

That doesn't matter right now.

Use your cellphone and call them!

Mine's dead, too.

I thought we'd be back after the robbery

so I didn't bring the little charger.

I thought it was a bear that got Ed.

What about Ed?

I said what about Ed?

I'll be damned if it isn't that same cop!

Wait.

Let's see what happens first.

All right, that's the woman there.

Is that your husband, ma'am?

Ma'am?

Hey!

Damn it!

Hey, it's Trina, it's my wife!

Great.

Trina.

Trina.

Freeze, police!

You bastard!

You said you'd never cheat again.

Ooh, a beautiful scene.

Trina, I can explain.

I'll explain later.

For now run, run!

Hey, hey!

Screw it.

They ain't gettin' far on foot.

Let's go roust that skank out of the cabin.

Get in.

I swear to God there wasn't any woman.

We were robbing a bank.

Robbing a bank?

Trina, I love you.

I've always loved you.

I did this for us so I could be the man

I used to be for you again.

I just couldn't cut the grand opening ribbon

at another fucking comic book store.

Andy, I�

I know she can have an arsenal in there

but I'm tired of waiting.

Let's make something happen.

Holy shit.

Miss!

Oh, you salty bitch.

You want a piece of me?

Let's make something happen.

Back, you big ol' fuck!

Yeah!

Yeah!

I knew you couldn't fucking swim.

Hoo!

Now where's that fucking skank?

No!

Jackie?

Wain, what are you doing out here?

I've been trying to get ahold of Beach all day

on his cell and he's not answering

so I thought I'd drive up to the cabin.

Jackie!

Wain, Beach is dead.

What?

There was a bear that got him

and then he was starting to get dragged out

and then there was, there's just too much right now.

Can you just gimme a ride into town?

Yeah, sure.

Beach was always worried about those damn bears

in that gravel pit.

He wanted out of the pool business, you know.

He and I came up here, thought we could make a go of it.

What exactly were you two wanting to do up here anyway?

Well, you know I'm a certified diving instructor, right?

Beach was gonna run the business end.

I was gonna do the instruction.

That's why we're up here in these pits.

They're full of water and when you're not near the ocean

that's what you use to substitute.

Diving.

Yeah.

Like going to find things that are under the ocean

or lake or a pond or whatever.

Yeah, that sort of thing,

sunken treasure, pulling things off reefs.

But I wouldn't worry about that now.

How 'bout you, are you okay?

You know, Wain, you were always

such a good friend to Beach.

And I think that you're gonna be a good friend to me, too.