Original subtitles

[***]

[WOMAN ON RADIO]: IT'S TRYING TO SNOW

IN THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST,

BUT IT'S GOING TO WARM UP LATER TODAY.

NEWS AND TRAFFIC COMING UP AT 7:00.

HAVE A GREAT DAY.

WAITER, THIS COFFEE IS HOT AS BLAZES.

WOULD YOU BRING ME AN ICE CUBE?

LET IT COOL, DEAR.

I HAVEN'T GOT TIME

FOR ANY "LET IT COOL" NONSENSE.

I'VE GOT TO PUT UP THE DECORATIONS.

LOU, IT'S ALMOST CHRISTMAS.

I KNOW, MOM.

WELL, OF COURSE IT IS.

I LOVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS.

WHERE'S THAT DAMN WAITER?

THAT'S NOT A WAITER, CARL, DEAR.

THAT'S LOU.

HE'S OUR SON.

IF HE'S NOT THE WAITER,

WHY THE HELL DID HE BRING ME ICE?

EVERYBODY'S LIGHTS ARE UP ALREADY.

MOM, THE STORE IS SO CRAZY,

I TAKE A DEEP BREATH BEFORE I GO IN,

AND I DON'T EXHALE UNTIL I LEAVE.

BREATHING IS GOOD FOR YOU, LOUIS.

I HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT.

WELL, I'LL ASK MR. CROUCH

FOR PERMISSION.

WILL HE MAKE YOU WORK ALL WEEKEND?

NO, NOT ALL OF IT.

DON'T WORRY, I'LL PUT THEM UP.

DO-- DO I LIKE PANCAKES?

YOU LOVE THEM, POP.

I'VE GOT TO GO.

[DOOR OPENS]

[SNIFFS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

[***]

ALL RIGHT, LOOK LIVELY, FOLKS.

GATHER AROUND.

NOW, SOMEBODY ASK ME,

"IS THE GREAT AMERICAN STORE REALLY VISIBLE FROM SPACE?"

HEY, SANTA, WAKE UP.

MOVE.

IS THE GREAT AMERICAN STORE REALLY VISIBLE FROM SPACE?

WHO THE HELL KNOWS?

WHO THE HELL CARES?

IT SOUNDS GOOD.

SOUNDS BIG.

IT'S MARKETING, AND THAT MEANS SALES.

YEAH.

NOW, SOMEBODY ASK ME HOW MUCH MONEY WE'LL MAKE

IN THE TWO WEEKS BEFORE CHRISTMAS.

[QUIETLY]: OH, THIS SHOULD BE GOOD.

TODAY.

HOW MUCH MONEY ARE WE GOING TO MAKE

IN THE TWO WEEKS BEFORE CHRISTMAS, MR. CROUCH?

A HELL OF A LOT.

MR. CROUCH...

BOYD?

ARE YOU GOING TO WANT US TO WORK

ON CHRISTMAS DAY THIS YEAR?

WHAT?

WHAT?

HEY, FOLKS, THIS IS AL T. CROUCH

OF THE GREAT AMERICAN STORE,

AND I'D JUST LIKE TO SAY ON BEHALF OF MY FAMILY

TO YOUR FAMILY,

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR.

BUT HEY, IT'S STILL NOT TOO LATE

TO COME DOWN AND DO SOME LAST-MINUTE SHOPPING.

WE'VE GOT SOME SMOKIN' DEALS FOR YOU.

SO COME ON DOWN TO THE GREAT AMERICAN STORE.

THE BIGGEST, BEST, AND BRIGHTEST STORE

IN THE TOWN OF PINENUT.

HEY, YOU CAN SEE US FROM SPACE!

THE HEATHER LOCKLEAR DOLLS HAVEN'T ARRIVED YET.

OH, WHAT A TRAGEDY.

CHRISTMAS IS RUINED!

WE HAVE TO CALL THEM.

HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

WHY DON'T WE CALL HEATHER,

BECAUSE GUESS WHAT--

SHE'S STILL SINGLE.

MS. LOCKLEAR CAN WAIT.

IT'S CHRISTMAS. RETAIL.

NO TIME FOR CHIT-CHAT, BOYS.

CAN I HELP YOU?

I SURE HOPE SO.

I-I'M LOU BOYD,

MANAGER OF THE ORDERING DEPARTMENT.

DIANNE CROUCH.

I'M THE OWNER AFTER MY FATHER RETIRES.

DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY ITEMS

YOU'RE TRACKING FOR US, MR. BOYD?

FOR-- FOR THE WHOLE STORE?

YES.

A LOT?

94,672--

CORRECTION, 71,

BEING THAT THE HEATHER LOCKLEAR DOLLS

HAVEN'T COME IN.

SEE? THAT'S A LOT.

I WOULD LIKE A REPORT ON MY DESK AFTER LUNCH

DETAILING YOUR INVENTORY SYSTEMS,

DEPARTMENT BY DEPARTMENT,

CROSS-REFERENCING ALL VENDOR COMMONALITY,

OF COURSE,

AND ANY INTERFACING ANALYSIS

AND PARALLEL BACKUP.

WE'RE GOING TO STREAMLINE THE SYSTEM

AND STABILIZE THE FOUNDATIONS

AND SHIFT THIS STORE INTO A HIGHER GEAR.

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN HERE?

HMM.

45 MINUTES.

I WAS IN SCHOOL.

JUST GRADUATED. AH...

UH, I JUST GRADUATED.

THE BERGEN COMMUNITY COLLEGE.

GOT A BUSINESS CERTIFICATE

IN 14 WEEKS.

WHAT KIND OF DEGREE HAVE YOU GOT?

I'M A CORNELL ATTORNEY, HARVARD MBA,

WHARTON CPA, COLUMBIA PH.D,

AND AN NYU MFA.

MFA?

I THINK A WELL-ROUNDED CHARACTER

IS IMPORTANT FOR A PERSON IN A LEADERSHIP POSITION.

[LAUGHS]

IF I WANTED A ROUNDED CHARACTER,

I'D JUST KEEP EATING.

THE FUTURE OF THE GREAT AMERICAN STORE

IS IN MY HANDS.

I HAVE PLANS.

BIG PLANS.

WE NEED TO SET THIS HOUSE IN ORDER,

SO I WANT THAT REPORT ON MY DESK AFTER LUNCH.

THANK YOU.

HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

I DON'T KNOW. I WAS SO CAREFUL.

WELL, I THOUGHT I WAS SO CAREFUL.

HOW MANY ARE THERE?

6,000 CASES.

HOW MANY SHOULD THERE BE?

YOU KNOW, 60.

OH, RON!

6,000 CASES OF CHRISTMAS LIGHTS?

NO, WE HAD PLENTY,

BUT TWO WEEKS TO CHRISTMAS,

SALES DECIDED THEY WANTED A LITTLE CUSHION,

SO I FIGURED, BETTER SAFE, BETTER SAFE, RIGHT?

WELL, CAN'T WE SEND THEM BACK?

IT'S LIQUIDATION STOCK.

THE COMPANY'S GONE.

PERFECT.

JANEY'S A SOPHOMORE AT RUTGERS.

ERIC'S A JUNIOR AT LEHIGH.

THE TWINS ARE STARTING GLASSBORO IN THE FALL.

I TOOK A SECOND MORTGAGE OUT

ON THE HOUSE,

AND I'M BEHIND ALREADY.

GOD, MY CREDIT CARDS ARE MAXED.

THE BANK'S AFTER ME.

I'M RUINED, LOU.

CHRISTMAS HAS RUINED ME!

IT'S OKAY, RON.

IT'S NOT PERSONAL, MR. BOYD.

IT'S BUSINESS.

INTERNAL POLICY.

MR. EISELY PAYS

FOR HIS OVERSTOCK MISTAKE.

PAYCHECKS ARE REDUCED ON A SLIDING SCALE

AS OR UNTIL OVERSTOCK IS SOLD.

YOU SIGNED THE SAME CONTRACT.

DAMN RIGHT YOU DID,

AND FOR THREE TRUCKLOADS.

THREE DAMN TRUCKLOADS!

THE CONTRACT WASN'T MEANT TO INCLUDE SOMETHING LIKE THIS.

REGARDLESS OF SCOPE,

THE FINANCIAL RESPONSIBILITY

IS MR. EISELY'S.

EISELY PAYS, BOYD.

MAN, THAT'S A CRAPLOAD OF LIGHTS.

IT WAS-- IT WAS MY MISTAKE, NOT RON'S.

I'M RESPONSIBLE.

I MEAN, WHAT THE HELL WAS HE THINKING?

I MEAN, THAT'S ENOUGH LIGHTS

TO DECORATE THE WHOLE DAMN TOWN.

IT'S HIS SIGNATURE ON THE ORDER FORM.

HIS AUTHORIZATION.

HE DID THAT FOR ME, YOU SEE.

UM, IT WAS MY ORDER, AND, UH...

I FORGOT TO SIGN IT.

AND HE REMEMBERED.

TOO BAD FOR HIM.

HE SHOULD'VE CHECKED THE ORDER.

I MEAN, COME ON!

6,000 CASES OF LIGHTS?

IT'S ENOUGH LIGHTS TO DECORATE

THE WHOLE DAMN COUNTY!

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO DO, MR. BOYD,

AND WE CAN'T ALLOW IT.

HE'S A SINGLE FATHER.

HE'S GOT FOUR KIDS GOING TO COLLEGE NEXT YEAR.

HE'S MORTGAGED EVERYTHING.

HE'S COUNTING PENNIES AS IT IS.

IF HE HAS TO PAY FOR THIS, HE WILL LOSE HIS HOUSE.

OH, WHERE'S MY VIOLIN?

EISELY PAYS!

THAT'S THE END!

[SIGHS]

IF RON LOSES HIS HOUSE,

AND IT GETS OUT

THAT THE GREAT AMERICAN STORE HAD NO HEART DURING CHRISTMAS,

HOW DO YOU THINK THAT'S GOING TO AFFECT SALES?

WE HAVE A BULL'S EYE ON OUR BACK ALREADY.

WE GOT REPORTERS WAITING IN THE WINGS

TO TAKE A SHOT AT US.

THERE IS A LOT MORE AT STAKE HERE, MR. CROUCH,

THAN JUST A FEW CASES OF LIGHTS.

I DON'T LIKE YOU, BOYD.

I NEVER LIKED YOU.

WHAT IF IT'S NOT A MISTAKE?

NOT A MISTAKE?

AN EXTRA 5,940 CASES

OF CHRISTMAS LIGHTS?

WHAT IF... WHAT IF IT'S AN EVENT?

YOU SAID YOURSELF, MR. CROUCH,

THAT WE HAVE ENOUGH LIGHTS

TO LIGHT EVERY HOUSE ON EVERY STREET.

EVERY DAMN HOUSE FOR MILES.

WELL, THAT'S A START.

IT'S A HELL OF A LOT OF HOUSES.

OKAY, I ADMIT

THAT IT'S GOING TO TAKE SOME IMAGINATION--

IT'S A HECK OF A LOT OF PEOPLE.

I HAVE AN MFA IN ART HISTORY.

I HAVE AN IMAGINATION.

THEN WHY AREN'T THOSE LIGHTS OVERSTOCK,

MS. CROUCH?

HELL OF A LOT OF CUSTOMERS...

BECAUSE THEY'RE PART OF A STRATEGY.

RIGHT, A STRATEGIC EVENT.

WE'VE GOT TO MAKE 'EM WANT LIGHTS.

DESIGNED TO BRING PEOPLE INTO THE STORE.

TO BUY LIGHTS.

WE GOT TO MAKE 'EM NEED LIGHTS.

OKAY, WHAT ABOUT--

I'VE GOT AN IDEA. I'VE GOT IT.

A CONTEST! A CONTEST! A CONTEST!

WE'LL HAVE THE BIGGEST DAMN

CHRISTMAS LIGHT CONTEST IN THE COUNTRY.

WE'LL CALL IT "LIGHT THE NIGHT."

LIGHT THE NIGHT...

LIGHT THE NIGHT. I'M BRILLIANT!

[LAUGHS TRIUMPHANTLY]

LIGHT THE NIGHT...

YES...

NO, NO, WE NEED THE BIG BOX ON THE LEFT.

NO, NO, NOT THAT ONE, THE OTHER ONE.

THIS ONE?

YES.

THAT'S THE RIGHT, POP. RIGHT. LEFT.

CAREFUL WITH THOSE.

THESE DECORATIONS HAVE BEEN IN MY FAMILY

FOR A HUNDRED YEARS.

GREAT-GREAT-GRANDDAD EDWARD BOYD

STARTED THE WHOLE THING.

PASSED THEM DOWN ALL THE WAY TO YOU.

DO YOU REMEMBER THAT?

YEAH, I KNOW THAT.

ALL RIGHT.

WHICH BOX DO YOU WANT NEXT?

THOSE WERE THE DAYS, EH, POP?

YOU SOLD A LOT OF SHOES.

I GUESS I-I'M JUST LOOKING

TO BOSS SOMEBODY AROUND.

YOU SPEND YOUR WHOLE LIFE

BEING THE BOSS,

YOU CAN'T JUST TURN IT OFF.

[CHUCKLES]

YOU WANT TO KEEP ON BOSSING.

THAT'S OKAY, POP.

YOU CAN BOSS ME AROUND.

YOU'RE A GOOD BOY.

YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN A GOOD BOY.

SAY...

I HAD CHILDREN,

DIDN'T I?

YEAH, UH...

YEAH, THREE OF THEM.

TWO GIRLS AND ONE BOY.

COME ON.

LET'S FINISH THIS UP BEFORE LUNCH, POP.

I'VE GOT TO WORK THIS AFTERNOON.

WE'VE GOT THIS CHRISTMAS LIGHTS CONTEST

STARTING ON MONDAY,

AND I'M ON THE PLANNING COMMITTEE.

HEY, LOU!

CARL...

GOT A MINUTE?

HEY, GARY. WHAT'S UP?

I WANT TO ASK YOU ABOUT THIS CONTEST,

"LIGHT THE NIGHT"?

WHEN CROUCH SAYS,

"ONE HOUR OF FREE SHOPPING," WHAT DOES HE MEAN, EXACTLY?

WELL, IT SAYS--

I KNOW WHAT IT SAYS.

I WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT MEANS.

IT MEANS THAT CROUCH IS GOING TO OPEN THE STORE

ON CHRISTMAS DAY,

AND THE WINNER GETS ONE HOUR TO FILL A SHOPPING SKID

WITH ANYTHING IN THE STORE.

HOW ABOUT A WASHING MACHINE?

ANYTHING IN THE STORE, GARY.

HOW ABOUT A BIG-SCREEN TV?

ANYTHING IN THE--

HOW ABOUT A JOHN DEERE LX-289 PREMIUM LAWN TRACTOR

WITH CRUISE CONTROL, AUTOMATIC TRANSMISSION,

LIQUID-COOLED TWIN CYLINDER ENGINE,

AND A THREE-BLADE 48-INCH DECK

THAT'LL MULCH, BAG, AND DISCHARGE?

ANYTHING, GARY,

EXCEPT FOR THAT.

I'M JOKING, GARY.

ANYTHING.

NOT BAD.

ARE YOU GOING TO ENTER?

ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT THE CONTEST?

HEY, EILEEN.

IT DOESN'T SAY ANYTHING HERE

ABOUT JEWS ENTERING.

IT'S A CHRISTMAS LIGHTS CONTEST, EILEEN.

SO? HANUKKAH HAS LIGHTS.

IT'S THE FESTIVAL OF LIGHTS.

THE JEWS INVENTED THE WHOLE HOLIDAY LIGHT THING

IN THE FIRST PLACE.

YOU WANT TO ENTER THE CONTEST?

I'M AN ACCOUNTANT, GARY.

I FIGURED OUT WHAT IT'S WORTH.

LOW FIVE FIGURES IS NOT AN OUTRAGEOUS ESTIMATE.

YOU GET AN HOUR WITH ONE OF THOSE

ROLLING SHOPPING PLATFORMS.

LOT OF BIG-TICKET ITEMS.

YOU COULD REALLY DO SOME DAMAGE.

THIS IS WHAT I'M SAYING.

LOU, YOU'VE GOT TO TALK TO MR. CROUCH.

IF JEWS CAN'T ENTER, THAT'S A PROBLEM.

A LAWSUIT WAITING TO HAPPEN.

THE ONLY REQUIREMENT

IS THAT YOU BE A RESIDENT OF THE COUNTY.

JEWS CAN DEFINITELY ENTER, EILEEN.

GOOD. I'M ENTERING.

I SEE THEY GOT A SALE GOING

WITH THE LIGHTS, TOO, YOU KNOW.

THAT CROUCH IS NO DUMMY.

DAD...

YOU PUT EVERYTHING AWAY.

WE WERE TAKING THIS STUFF OUT.

COME ON.

HERE.

THERE YOU GO.

TWO WEEKS TO CHRISTMAS.

OH, MAN, IT'S COLD.

YOU'D THINK IT WOULD SNOW.

MY NEIGHBORS ARE ALL ENTERING.

YEAH, SO ARE MINE.

MAYBE IT'LL WORK.

YEAH, IF WE CAN SELL JUST ONE TRUCKLOAD

BEFORE CHRISTMAS,

THAT'S ALL I ASK.

I'M ENTERING.

YOU ARE?

EMPLOYEES CAN ENTER.

I'M AN EMPLOYEE.

I HAVE A HOUSE.

I HAVE DECORATIONS.

I LIKE FREE SHOPPING.

ALL RIGHT.

GOOD MORNING.

FIRST DAY OF THE CONTEST.

YEAH, RON'S ENTERING.

EXCELLENT.

WELL, WE HAVE ENOUGH LIGHTS FOR EVERYONE,

DON'T WE, MR. EISELY?

COULD I SEE YOU FOR A MINUTE, MR. BOYD?

I HAVE GOOD NEWS.

OH?

I'M TAKING YOU OFF

THE CONTEST PLANNING COMMITTEE.

THAT IS GOOD NEWS.

THAT'S NOT IT.

IT GETS BETTER?

YOU'RE ENTERING THE CONTEST INSTEAD.

I AM?

YES, YOU ARE.

NO, I MEANT, "NO, I'M NOT."

"I AM?" WAS A RHETORICAL QUESTION.

THEY DIDN'T TEACH YOU RHETORIC AT HARVARD?

YOU'RE ENTERING THE CONTEST,

AND YOU ARE GOING TO WIN.

IT'S RIGGED?

NO, OF COURSE NOT.

YOU'RE GOING TO WIN

BECAUSE YOUR HOUSE IS GOING TO BE THE BEST,

AND BECAUSE I AM DESIGNING YOUR DECORATIONS.

OH, YOU GOT AN MFA IN THE ART HISTORY

OF CHRISTMAS LIGHTS DESIGN?

AND WHEN YOU WIN,

YOU'LL AGREE TO ACCEPT THE SHOPPING SPREE

AS LONG AS YOU CAN DONATE THE TIME

TO CHARITY

SO THAT WE CAN TAKE THE DEDUCTION.

SHOPPING FOR CHARITY.

AN EVENT STRATEGY.

EXACTLY.

UH-HUH. NO.

MY PARENTS, YOU SEE, IT'S THEIR HOUSE.

AND THEY HAVE THEIR OWN DECORATIONS.

THEY WON'T LIKE IT.

WELL, I'LL TALK TO THEM.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID THERE WAS GOOD NEWS.

OH, YES, WE'RE GIVING HOLIDAY CONSIDERATION

TO MR. EISELY.

HE'S OFF THE HOOK.

OH, THAT-- THAT'S GREAT NEWS.

AND IF THIS CONTEST FAILS, WE'RE GARNISHING YOUR WAGES.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[JAZZY "DECK THE HALLS" PLAYS ON HEADPHONES]

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

[RINGING]

LOU...

OH, GOD...

LOU!

LINE FIVE.

LOU BOYD.

[WOMAN]: MR. BOYD?

WHAT'S HAPPENING?

IT'S COMPLETELY OUT OF HAND UP HERE.

LOU, IT'S CRAZY UP IN CHRISTMAS!

OKAY, I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.

MERRY CHRISTMAS. HOW'S EVERYBODY DOING?

WATCH IT.

I DON'T THINK WE SHOULD BE

THROWING IN THIS STORE, NOW, PEOPLE.

DON'T WORRY, THERE'S PLENTY FOR EVERYONE.

HOW YOU DOING? CAN I HELP YOU?

DO YOU NEED MORE?

HI. DO YOU...

WE'RE ALL OUT OF ANGELS,

BUT WE HAVE PLENTY OF LIGHTS.

I'M JUST SAYING,

IF YOU RUN OUT OF STOCK

WHILE YOU'RE SIMULTANEOUSLY

RUNNING A CONTEST AND A SALE,

SOMEONE'S GOING TO SUE.

NOT THAT IT'S GOING TO HAPPEN.

I'M JUST SAYING.

OKAY, WE'RE GOING TO NEED MORE DECORATIONS,

MORE-- MORE STUFF.

ORDER ANYTHING YOU CAN.

GO.

WE'RE ALL OUT OF STARS.

CAN I HELP YOU GET ANYTHING?

OH, HEY... I'M GOING TO GET MORE STUFF, OKAY?

I'M GOING TO GET MORE STUFF,

AND I'M GOING TO GET SOMEBODY TO HELP ME GET IT, OKAY?

OKAY, WELL, GO, GO, GO, GO, GO!

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT!

OKAY, NO THROWING, ALL RIGHT, PEOPLE?

THERE'S PLENTY FOR EVERYBODY.

IT'S GOOD.

HMM?

[***]

IT'S PERFECT.

YOU'LL CALL IT "A PERFECT CHRISTMAS."

OF COURSE I WILL.

THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I WAS THINKING.

I LOVE IT.

OH!

HELLO, HELLO!

HELLO.

WELCOME.

UH, MOM, THIS IS DIANNE CROUCH.

DIANNE, THIS IS MY MOTHER, JULIETTE BOYD.

VERY NICE TO MEET YOU.

IT'S A PLEASURE.

CAN I TAKE YOUR COAT?

OH, YES.

CARL... CARL?

YES?

LOU'S BROUGHT A GIRL HOME.

DIANNE CROUCH.

MR. CROUCH'S DAUGHTER.

HE OWNS THE STORE WHERE LOU WORKS.

SHE'S GOING TO TELL US

ABOUT THE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS CONTEST.

OH, GOOD.

VERY NICE TO MEET YOU.

HELLO.

IT'S VERY NICE TO MEET YOU AS WELL.

COME ON IN.

WHO'S LOU?

PARTICIPATING IN THE CONTEST

IS AN IMPORTANT CAREER MOVE

FOR MR. BOYD,

AND IT DEMONSTRATES COMPANY LOYALTY,

AND HIS WILLINGNESS TO GO THE EXTRA MILE.

PLUS, IT IS A GREAT EXAMPLE

FOR OUR STAFF TO EMULATE.

WILL WE BE ABLE TO USE OUR OWN DECORATIONS?

HONESTLY, MRS. BOYD,

I DON'T THINK SO.

YOU SEE, YOUR HOUSE

CAN'T JUST WIN THE CONTEST.

YOUR HOUSE HAS TO WIN CLEARLY AND EASILY.

THERE CAN'T BE ANY QUESTION

THAT THE DECORATIONS IN THIS HOUSE

AREN'T BY FAR THE VERY BEST.

BUT OUR DECORATIONS ARE SPECIAL.

OH, YES, NO,

ABSOLUTELY, THEY ARE.

IT'S JUST THAT...

AS AN ARTIST,

TO CREATE THE STRONGEST

AND MOST COHESIVE THEME,

I FEEL THAT IT IS CRITICAL

THAT I START WITH A CLEAN CANVAS,

BUT THANK YOU

FOR PUTTING IT ON THE TABLE,

SO TO SPEAK.

I'M GLAD WE WERE ABLE TO TALK.

IS THAT YOU IN THAT PICTURE?

YES.

THAT'S OUR WEDDING PICTURE.

CARL AND I HAVE BEEN MARRIED

52 YEARS.

OH...

I STILL THINK OF MYSELF

LIKE THIS.

I'M ALWAYS STARTLED

WHEN I LOOK IN THE MIRROR.

ARE YOU MARRIED?

NOT YET,

BUT MY STRATEGY WAS,

AND STILL IS,

TO FINISH SCHOOL, SPEND TWO YEARS,

AND MAYBE THE FIRST QUARTER OF THE THIRD YEAR,

SETTLING INTO STORE MANAGEMENT,

FINISH OUT YEAR'S END, GET ENGAGED,

THEN SPEND TWO QUARTERS

PLANNING THE WEDDING,

AND GET MARRIED IN JUNE OF YEAR FOUR.

I'LL BE 38.

IS IT GOING WELL?

MM.

RIGHT ON SCHEDULE,

AS IT SHOULD BE.

OH...

IS THAT MR. BOYD?

THAT'S LOUIS, YES,

AND HIS SISTERS.

HE WAS A BIT OF A SURPRISE.

ARE, UH, CHILDREN PART OF YOUR STRATEGY?

MM-HMM. TWO.

GIRLS.

ONE AT 40, THE OTHER AT 42,

AND I'M VERY FLEXIBLE ABOUT THEIR NAMES.

ACTUALLY, I'M NOT.

I HAVE SEVERAL UNDER CONSIDERATION.

WELL, I'M SORRY, DEAR.

I MUST HAVE MISSED IT,

BUT, UM, AT WHAT POINT IN THE SCHEDULE

DO YOU MEET THE MAN YOU'RE GOING TO MARRY?

BY MY CALCULATIONS,

YOU'VE ONLY LEFT THE SECOND QUARTER

OF THE THIRD YEAR

TO PLAY THE FIELD.

NOW, ASSUMING IT TAKES THE THIRD QUARTER

TO DATE AND DETERMINE WHETHER OR NOT HE'S THE ONE,

YOU'VE ONLY LEFT THE FOURTH QUARTER

TO FALL IN LOVE

BEFORE THE ENGAGEMENT.

DO YOU THINK THAT'S ENOUGH TIME?

OH, YES, MORE THAN ENOUGH.

DON'T YOU?

YOU CAN'T PLAN A RELATIONSHIP

IN YOUR DAY-TIMER, MS. CROUCH.

"FOURTH QUARTER, FALL IN LOVE,

GET ENGAGED."

IT'S NOT A SCHEDULING ISSUE.

NO, IT'S NOT.

IT'S A MANAGEMENT ISSUE.

IT'S NOT A MANAGEMENT ISSUE.

WOULD YOU SAY

THAT ALL BROKEN RELATIONSHIPS

SUFFER FROM SOME FORM OF MISMANAGEMENT?

NO.

FINANCIAL ISSUES,

TIMING ISSUES,

COMMITMENT ISSUES,

LOYALTY ISSUES?

OKAY, I GUESS YOU COULD LOOK AT IT THAT WAY,

BUT LOVE IS SO MUCH MORE THAN THAT.

THEN IT LOGICALLY FOLLOWS

THAT ALL GOOD RELATIONSHIPS,

INCLUDING THE CREATION OF GOOD RELATIONSHIPS,

BENEFIT GREATLY FROM, AND ARE, IN FACT,

A DIRECT FUNCTION OF GOOD MANAGEMENT,

PEOPLE FALL IN LOVE, MS. CROUCH.

THEY DON'T MANAGE THEMSELVES INTO LOVE.

THEY DO IF THEY'RE SMART.

[LAUGHS]

WHAT ABOUT THE INTANGIBLES?

FATE, CHEMISTRY, ROMANCE?

FLOWERS, CHOCOLATES?

NO, ALL MANAGEABLE LINE ITEM DETAILS.

[SCOFFS]

I'M NOT SAYING THAT LOVE ISN'T REAL,

OR IMPORTANT,

OR THE END GAME OBJECTIVE.

I'M JUST SAYING, THE BETTER THE MANAGEMENT,

THE FASTER THE SUCCESS.

YOU CAN'T MANAGE

A FOURTH QUARTER ENGAGEMENT, MS. CROUCH.

WELL, MAYBE YOU CAN, BUT I COULDN'T.

THAT'S BECAUSE I'M A MORE ACCOMPLISHED MANAGER

THAN YOU ARE.

[SIGHS]

THE FOURTH QUARTER'S ALL THE TIME I'LL NEED.

WELL, REMIND ME

NOT TO SHOW UP AT YOUR DOOR

WITH A DOZEN ROSES AND A BOX OF TRUFFLES.

FINE.

DON'T SHOW UP AT MY DOOR WITH A DOZEN ROSES

AND A BOX OF CHOCOLATE TRUFFLES.

FINE!

FINE!

YOU CAN'T MANAGE LOVE, MS. CROUCH.

WATCH ME, MR. BOYD.

[***]

HOLD THE LADDER HERE?

YEAH, I GOT IT, I GOT IT.

NOW, SOMEBODY ASK ME,

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE?"

MR. CROUCH,

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE?

WELL, LOOK AROUND YOU, PEOPLE.

THE ANSWER'S ON THE SHELVES,

OR WHAT'S NOT ON THEM, IS WHAT I'M GETTING AT.

IN THE WHOLE HISTORY OF CHRISTMAS LIGHT SALES,

WE HAVE NEVER, EVER SOLD TWO TRUCKLOADS OF LIGHTS.

NOW, THAT'S GOT TO BE A RECORD.

NOW, LET'S TALK TOYS,

AND OTHER KINDS OF GIFTS.

ADD IN THE ANCILLARIES,

LIKE FOOD, CLOTHING, ALL THE REST...

THE BOTTOM LINE, PEOPLE,

IS THAT SALES ARE WAY UP ALL ACROSS THE STORE,

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

WE CAN SELL MORE.

YESTERDAY

WAS THE LARGEST GROSSING DAY

IN THE HISTORY OF THE GREAT AMERICAN STORE.

OH, YEAH!

[APPLAUSE]

AND WE'RE GOING TO RIDE

THAT HOT HORSE, PEOPLE!

IT'S NO ACCIDENT

THAT THIS STORE CAN BE SEEN FROM SPACE.

BOYD, I WANT YOU TO ORDER THREE MORE TRUCKLOADS OF LIGHTS,

AND I'M UPPING THE ANTE.

AS OF TODAY,

THE PRIZE WILL BE NOT ONE BUT TWO FREE HOURS OF SHOPPING.

LET'S SHOW 'EM

WHAT "DOUBLE THE FUN" REALLY MEANS, HUH?

WHAT?

SO YOU REALLY CAN

SEE THE STORE FROM SPACE?

OH, ABSOLUTELY.

HEY, SANTA, YOU'RE LATE.

LOOK SHARP, PEOPLE.

LOOK SHARP.

COME ON!

HO, HO, HO!

HO, HO, HO!

HO, HO...

OH...

[GRUNTS SLEEPILY]

WHERE ARE YOU PUTTING IT, HONEY?

UH, TURRET ONE OR TURRET TWO.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

OKAY, THAT HELPS.

WORKING OVERTIME, GARY?

KEEP THE KID HOME FROM SCHOOL, EILEEN?

AS A MATTER OF FACT, I DID.

DIDN'T EVEN HAVE TO ASK TWICE.

HE VOLUNTEERED.

HOW MANY LIGHTS YOU GOT GOING UP?

ENOUGH. UH...

ARE THOSE JUMBO LEDs?

THEY MIGHT BE.

WHAT DOES HE THINK HE'S DOING?

OH, THAT ISN'T RIGHT.

FANTASTIQUE.

WHAT THE HELL, JACK?

IT IS JACQUES, NOT JACK.

EASTERN STAR ELECTRIC'S OUT OF THE COUNTY.

YOU CAN'T USE THEM.

I DID NOT READ THAT IN THE RULES.

DID YOU READ THAT, EILEEN?

YOU HIRED A DESIGNER?

YOU CAN'T USE EASTER STAR ELECTRICS.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU HIRED A DESIGNER.

WHO IS SHE?

WHO'S THE DESIGNER?

SHE IS FRENCH.

SHE WORKS FOR PIERRE DOME,

BUT FOR ME, SHE IS DOING ME A SPECIAL FAVOR.

YOU CAN'T CHEAT, JACK.

IT'S CHRISTMAS.

I AM NOT CHEATING.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU HIRED

A PROFESSIONAL DESIGNER.

AND ELECTRICIANS FROM OUT OF THE COUNTY.

IT IS ALL WITHIN THE RULES, HUH?

YOU HAVE AN ESKIMO HOUSE ON YOUR LAWN.

AN ESKIMO HOUSE IS NOT FAIR.

IT'S CHRISTMAS.

WINTER, SNOW?

WE'RE BEING INVENTIVE.

AT LEAST IT'S OUR OWN IDEA.

IT IS A LIGHTS COMPETITION,

A CHRISTMAS LIGHTS COMPETITION,

NOT A THEME PARK.

READ THE FINE PRINT, MON AMI.

"LIGHTS, DECORATIVE LIGHTS,

"SPECIALTY LIGHTS,

AND OTHER DECORATIONS."

THE ESKIMO IS IN.

NORTH POLE, GET IT?

WHAT ABOUT THE JEWS?

DON'T YOU HAVE A LIGHTED MACCABEE OR SOMETHING?

HA, HA. VERY FUNNY.

YOU KNOW, I THINK THIS ESKIMO HOUSE

IS RIDICULOUS,

STUPID!

GOOFY, HUH, GARY?

TOO BAD!

YOU'RE REALLY GOING TO HATE THE POLAR BEAR ON MY GARAGE.

OH, RELAX!

IT'S A FRIENDLY NEIGHBORHOOD CONTEST!

AMERICANS...

SO COMPETITIVE!

CHERIE! CHERIE, HUH?

WHAT, DO I HAVE TO DO IT ALL MYSELF?

LIKE USUAL!

JUST DON'T SCREW THIS UP.

THIS COULD REALLY COST ME.

I MEAN, WE'RE GETTING A LOT OF ATTENTION HERE.

ALL EYES ARE ON ME.

IT'S MY STORE, MY CONTEST.

YES, DADDY.

IF THERE'S EVEN A HINT OF IMPROPRIETY,

SALES WILL BE ADVERSELY AFFECTED.

HUH!

WE'D BE THE GREAT AMERICAN GHOST TOWN

IN FIVE SECONDS FLAT.

I MEAN, AS MUCH AS YOU WANT YOU,

YOU CAN'T CRAP ON CHRISTMAS.

HEY, THAT'S GOT A NICE RING TO IT, MR. CROUCH.

YOU SHOULD CALL HALLMARK.

I DON'T LIKE YOU, BOYD.

HAVE I TOLD YOU THAT?

YES, SIR.

GOOD, BECAUSE THE POINT IS,

YOU CAN'T JUST WIN.

YOU'VE GOT TO WIN BIG.

IT'S GOT TO BE CLEAR AS DAY

THAT YOUR LIGHTS ARE NUMBER ONE.

NO MATTER WHAT, WHATEVER IT TAKES.

YOU KEEP AN EYE ON THE COMPETITION.

WHATEVER THEY DO, YOU DO IT BETTER.

YOU JUST BLOW 'EM AWAY.

YOU KNOW WHY?

UH, BECAUSE YOU CAN'T CRAP ON CHRISTMAS?

BINGO.

BE CAREFUL WITH THAT.

IT'S FRAGILE.

[CRASHING]

AW...

HEY, FOLKS, AL T. CROUCH HERE,

AND I GOT SOME GREAT NEWS FOR YOU

FROM THE GREAT AMERICAN STORE.

RIGHT NOW, IF YOU COME DOWN AND MAKE A PURCHASE,

YOU ARE ELIGIBLE TO ENTER OUR "LIGHT THE NIGHT" CONTEST

WHERE COULD WIN A GRAND PRIZE

OF TWO FREE HOURS OF SHOPPING IN THE STORE.

THAT'S RIGHT. YOU HEARD IT RIGHT, FOLKS.

TWO FREE HOURS OF SHOPPING IN THE GREAT AMERICAN STORE,

THE BIGGEST, BUSIEST STORE IN TOWN.

HEY, YOU CAN SEE US FROM SPACE!

[JULIETTE HUMMING SOFTLY]

[DIANNE BARKING ORDERS OUTSIDE]

CAREFUL.

ALL RIGHT, BRING IT OVER HERE.

ALL RIGHT,

AND I'LL TELL YOU WHERE TO PUT IT.

CAREFUL. CAREFUL, I SAID.

[LOU GRUNTING WITH EFFORT]

[GRUNTING]

I THOUGHT WE WERE CALLING THIS

"THE PERFECT CHRISTMAS"?

YOU CHANGED YOUR MIND.

NOW YOU'RE CALLING IT...

"SANTA'S WORKSHOP."

AND THIS PLAN INVOLVES LIGHTS AT SOME POINT?

YOU DON'T BUILD BEFORE YOU DESIGN.

OH, WELL, EVERYBODY ELSE IS PUTTING UP LIGHTS.

YOU DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT CONTEST STRATEGY, DO YOU?

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M GOING TO NEED YOU TO MOVE HIM TO YOUR LEFT

ABOUT FOUR FEET.

I KNOW THAT IF WE DON'T START PUTTING UP LIGHTS,

WE'RE NOT GOING TO WIN.

IT'S NOT JUST ABOUT THE LIGHTS,

AND SO YOU KNOW, I HIRED A CONSTRUCTION CREW,

AND THEY'RE GOING TO PUT UP THE HOUSE LIGHTS,

THE GARAGE LIGHTS,

AND ALL THE YARD LIGHTS IN ONE DAY,

SO THEN WE CAN JUST FOCUS ON CENTER STAGE.

SANTA'S WORKSHOP.

YES.

OKAY.

I'M GOING TO NEED YOU TO BRING HIM FORWARD.

WHEN I WAS A KID,

MY DAD TOLD ME

THAT ALL THE PRESENTS UNDER THE TREE WERE...

[GRUNTING]

MADE BY ELVES IN SANTA'S WORKSHOP

IN THE NORTH POLE.

HUH.

WE'D SPEND ALL MORNING

UNWRAPPING CHRISTMAS PRESENTS,

AND THEN WE'D EAT PANCAKES.

ONCE, WE RENTED THE BALLROOM AT THE CARLYLE,

AND WE HAD A WINTER BANQUET.

WE TURNED DOWN THE HEAT

SO THAT WE COULD ALL WEAR HATS AND COATS

AND MITTENS AND SCARVES.

THERE WAS A HUGE TREE.

AH...

ONE-- ONE CHRISTMAS, WE HAD FRENCH TOAST.

OKAY, HE NEEDS TO GO BACK FURTHER

AND TO YOUR LEFT.

ONE YEAR,

WE WENT TO RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL,

AND WE HAD A PRIVATE SHOWING OF THE ROCKETTES.

OH.

ALL RIGHT, TO THE LEFT.

MORE TO THE LEFT.

AND ONE YEAR,

WE RENTED MADISON SQUARE GARDEN

AND RINGLING BROTHERS DID A SPECIAL CHRISTMAS CIRCUS.

THAT WAS JUST YOU AND YOUR FAMILY?

YEAH, IT WAS ME AND MY DAD,

AND ABOUT 1,300 OF HIS CLOSEST FRIENDS.

[CHUCKLES]

OH, OKAY.

NOW, I'M SURE

THAT YOUR CHRISTMASES WERE VERY NICE AND QUAINT.

WELL, I BET YOUR CHRISTMASES WERE VERY...

NOT SO QUAINT.

AND I'M SURE YOURS HAD HOT CHOCOLATE BY THE FIREPLACE.

AND I'LL BET YOU HAD EGGNOG IN THE LIMOUSINE.

AND I'M SURE THAT YOURS HAD CHRISTMAS CAROLS

PLAYING ON THE STEREO.

AND I BET YOU HAD THE MORMON TABERNACLE CHOIR

SINGING IN YOUR LIVING ROOM.

AND I'M SURE THAT YOU HAD

A BRAND NEW RED BICYCLE

WITH A BELL ON IT,

AND YOU DROVE UP AND DOWN THE STREET,

RINGING THE BELL AND RINGING THE BELL,

JUST SO EVERYONE WOULD NOTICE.

OF COURSE I RANG THAT BELL!

IT WAS CHRISTMAS, AND I LOVED THAT BIKE,

AND I WANTED EVERYBODY TO SEE IT,

AND IF YOU'D EVER GOTTEN A RED BIKE,

YOU'D UNDERSTAND THAT.

MAYBE.

YEAH.

SO, UH...

SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

ABOUT?

SANTA.

SHOULD WE TURN HIM ON?

TRY HIM OUT?

NOT YET.

IT'S-- IT'S NOT THE RIGHT TIME.

[CLAMORING]

ALL RIGHT, MORNING, FOLKS.

TAKE IT EASY.

NO NEED TO PUSH.

PLENTY OF TIME.

GOOD MORNING.

WELCOME.

BOYD, I HAVE MADE MORE MONEY IN THE LAST TWO DAYS

THAN I'VE MADE IN THE LAST TWO WEEKS,

AND I HAVE MADE PLENTY OF MONEY

IN THE LAST TWO WEEKS, SO BELIEVE ME,

ONE PERSON SHOPPING FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS

IS A DROP IN THE BUCKET.

A FLEA ON MY BACK.

NO RISK, NO GLORY, BOYD!

YOU GOT TO GRAB EVERY OPPORTUNITY

WHILE YOU CAN.

OOF!

WE HAVE HOOKED 'EM.

THIS IS PROBABLY THE GREATEST IDEA

I HAVE EVER HAD.

MAYBE WE SHOULD RAISE THE STAKES.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

OH, GO BIG OR GO HOME.

LIFE IS SHORT.

GRAB WHAT YOU CAN, LIKE YOU SAY.

I DON'T WANT YOU DATING MY DAUGHTER.

YOU'RE NOT, ARE YOU?

NO!

NO, DEFINITELY NOT DATING.

WELL, THAT'S GOOD,

BECAUSE SHE IS WAY OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE.

IT'S BUSINESS.

LET'S KEEP IT THAT WAY.

SHE IS NOT OUT OF MY LEAGUE.

YOU'RE FUNNY.

I NEVER KNEW THAT ABOUT YOU.

YOU'RE A REAL COMEDIAN.

NO, SHE IS NOT OUT OF MY LEAGUE.

WHO'S NOT OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE?

YOU.

I WANT TO MAKE SURE

THAT YOU'RE NOT DATING HIM.

ME?

I'M NOT DATING MR. BOYD.

WE ARE NOT DATING.

NO, BECAUSE I'M WAY OUT OF HIS LEAGUE.

OH, NOT EVEN CLOSE!

IF ANYTHING, YOU'RE OUT OF MY LEAGUE.

OH, THAT'S A JOKE.

HE'S A COMEDIAN, I'M TELLING YOU.

I KNOW.

I AM SO FAR OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE,

IT'S NOT...

I'M IN AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT...

[HONKS]

IT'S IMMEASURABLE.

YOU CAN MEASURE IT.

HOW?

GO ON A DATE.

OH, NO, I AM NOT GOING ON A DATE WITH YOU.

WHY NOT? YOU SCARED?

NO! NO--

YOU SOUND LIKE IT.

I'M NOT SCARED.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU AND ME,

WE ARE GOING ON A DATE.

OKAY, FINE, FINE.

HOW ABOUT TONIGHT?

THE SOONER THE BETTER.

GREAT.

COME ON, DIANNE, LET'S GO.

ALL RIGHT, I'VE DECIDED.

THE WINNER NOW GETS THREE HOURS OF SHOPPING.

THREE FREE HOURS, BOYD.

THREE HOURS?

HEY, HEY, GO BIG OR GO HOME!

UH, SIR, DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA

HOW MUCH MERCHANDISE

SOMEBODY CAN PULL OFF THE SHELVES

IN THREE HOURS OF SHOPPING?

LA MAISON! LA MAISON!

HUH?

ET LES...

LES DRUM.

AH, OUI, OUI, OUI.

ALORS, LE NEIGE, LE NEIGE!

LE NEIGE, HUH?

YEAH, THERE'S ONE BURNED OUT--

OKAY, I'LL GET THAT. I'LL GET THAT.

OVER HERE. COME HERE.

AFTER LUNCH, OKAY?

OKAY, THAT'S GOOD.

LET'S HAVE A LOOK.

OH, YEAH, NICE.

THAT'S GREAT. WITH THE MENORAH...

OOH, NICE.

[GROANING] ALL RIGHT, READY?

HEAVY! HELP! HELP ME!

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! WHOA, HONEY!

HEAVY!

[***]

MORE OF THE WHITE SHEETING!

[***]

A LITTLE BIT MORE ICE!

A LITTLE BIT MORE ICE.

[***]

[PANTING]

NO, WE NEED MORE GACK.

WE NEED MORE ANIMALS.

NOBODY ELSE IS DOING ANIMALS.

NUTCRACKER, HUH?

OUI, OUI!

"CANDYLAND."

THAT'S WHAT HE'S CALLING IT.

WHAT? "CANDYLAND"?

HAS A FRIEND IN SHOWBIZ.

HE'S SHIPPING IN PARTS OF A SET.

EVEN FLEW TO LOS ANGELES.

L.A.? MM-HMM.

OH, THAT'S GOING TOO FAR.

BLEU ET ROUGE, BLEU ET ROUGE, BLEU...

AH! C'EST BON.

EQUIPE! EQUIPE!

LOOK AT WHAT THEY'RE DOING OVER THERE.

FORGET ABOUT THE COST.

WE CAN'T LET THEM WIN.

WE CAN'T LET ANYBODY WIN.

YEAH, BUT THEY DON'T HAVE A THEME.

HOW ABOUT GARY'S PLACE?

OH, YEAH.

NO, WE HAVE "WINTER WONDERLAND."

IGLOOS? PENGUINS?

I MEAN-- I TELL YOU, THESE GOYIM.

OY VEY.

YEAH, IT DOESN'T MATTER

WHAT THEY DO.

THEY DON'T STAND A CHANCE.

IT'S BOYD I'M WORRIED ABOUT.

YEAH, WHAT'S HE WAITING FOR, ANYWAY?

WELL, LOU'S PATIENT, I'LL GIVE HIM THAT.

HE'S LIKE A RATTLESNAKE,

BIDING HIS TIME, LULLING YOU TO SLEEP,

THEN BITING YOU ON THE ASS

AND TAKING YOUR FREE SHOPPING.

WE GOT TO KEEP OUR EYE ON HIM.

OH, THAT LOU,

HE'S A SECRETIVE SON OF A BITCH, ISN'T HE?

AND LOOK AT OUR FRENCH GUY

OVER THERE, HUH?

OH, YEAH, LOOK AT ALL THOSE LIGHTS.

NOBODY KNOWS WHAT HE'S DOING WITH THEM.

HE'S SNEAKY. NEVER LIKED HIM.

YEAH, WE'VE GOT TO WATCH THEM.

YEAH, WE'VE GOT TO WATCH ALL OF THEM.

YEAH... YEAH.

OKAY. LET'S GO.

WE'VE GOT MORE DECORATIONS IN THE BASEMENT.

IN THE BASEMENT.

ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE.

MAGIC TIME!

OKAY. BREAK'S OVER.

WHAT, ARE YOU NAPPING?

COME ON, BOY.

COME ON.

I'M STILL UNCOMFORTABLE

WITH ENTERING THE CONTEST MYSELF.

PEOPLE ARE GOING TO THINK SOMETHING'S FISHY IF I WIN.

WE'VE BEEN OVER THIS, YOU KNOW,

AND QUITE FRANKLY, I'M GETTING OFFENDED.

YOU'VE PREDETERMINED THAT I'M GOING TO WIN,

AND YOU'RE OFFENDED?

NO, NOTHING IS PREDETERMINED.

YOU'RE GOING TO WIN THIS CONTEST

BECAUSE YOUR HOUSE

IS GOING TO BE THE STRONGEST COMPETITOR.

"SOMETHING FISHY"

IMPLIES THAT MY FATHER IS A CHEATER.

WELL, ISN'T HE?

NO.

YOU DON'T BUILD THE GREAT AMERICAN STORE

FROM THE GROUND UP BY BEING DISHONEST.

YOU DO IT BY BEING

A STUBBORN, RELENTLESS, KNOW-IT-ALL,

DIFFICULT WORKAHOLIC.

YEAH, WELL, YOU GOT THAT RIGHT.

AND BY BEING HONEST.

HE'S YOUR BOSS AND MY FATHER,

AND I WOULD APPRECIATE IT

IF YOU WOULD STOP INSINUATING

THAT THIS CONTEST ISN'T FAIR.

OH, SO IT'S OKAY IF I DON'T WIN?

NO, IT'S CRITICAL THAT YOU DO WIN.

YOUR WINNING IS THE LINCHPIN

OF MY OVERALL MARKETING STRATEGY.

UH-HUH.

WHY DO YOU THINK I'M PERSONALLY

OVERSEEING THE DECORATIONS?

[TOOTS]

BECAUSE YOU LIKE ME?

TRUST ME, MR. BOYD,

THAT IS NOT IT.

UH-HUH.

[PLAYING BLUESY TUNE]

[CONTINUES PLAYING]

SO, WHEN DID YOU MOVE BACK HOME?

EIGHT YEARS AGO.

I WAS LIVING IN CHICAGO, RUNNING A JAZZ CLUB,

AND MY DAD GOT SICK.

MY MOM COULDN'T LOOK AFTER HIM ALONE.

THERE WAS NOBODY ELSE.

WHAT ABOUT YOUR SISTERS?

THEY'RE MUCH OLDER THAN I AM.

I WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO WASN'T MARRIED

AND DIDN'T HAVE KIDS,

SO I PACKED UP AND I MOVED HOME.

AND WENT TO WORK FOR MY FATHER.

YEAH, STARTED ON THE LOADING DOCK.

EIGHT YEARS LATER, HERE I AM--

ORDERING DEPARTMENT MANAGER.

WERE YOU EVER MARRIED?

ALMOST.

SHE DIDN'T SHOW UP AT THE CHURCH.

EVERYONE ELSE WAS THERE BUT HER.

WHEN WAS THAT?

LONG TIME AGO,

BEFORE I MOVED TO CHICAGO.

SO INSTEAD OF DUSTING YOURSELF OFF,

GETTING BACK UP ON THAT HORSE,

AND CHARGING INTO BATTLE WITH YOUR CHIN HELD HIGH,

YELLING, "YOU CAN'T STOP ME,

HERE I COME AGAIN,"

YOU SPENT MOST OF YOUR ADULT LIFE

BUILDING A WALL

AROUND YOUR BROKEN HEART

SO THAT YOU WOULDN'T FALL IN LOVE

AND GET HURT AGAIN?

PROBABLY NOT SUCH A GOOD IDEA

IN THE END, MR. BOYD.

IT'S CHILLY OUT HERE, ISN'T IT?

[EXHALING]

YOU'RE NOT REALLY A PEOPLE PERSON, ARE YOU?

I'M RIGHT, AREN'T I?

[ENGINE TURNS OVER]

IT'LL, UH...

IT'LL TAKE A MINUTE TO WARM UP.

SO...

WHAT ABOUT YOU?

ONE OF A KIND.

DAD SAID THEY BROKE THE MOLD.

MY PARENTS GOT DIVORCED WHEN I WAS THREE,

AND I HAVEN'T SEEN MY MOTHER SINCE.

I'M SORRY.

DON'T BE.

DAD HAD THOUSANDS OF FRIENDS.

IT'S FINE.

NICE CAR.

AM I STILL OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE?

DEFINITELY.

DON'T GET ALL CONFIDENT

JUST BECAUSE WE'RE ON YOUR TURF.

IT'S NOT FAIR.

TONIGHT WAS NOT A DATE.

YOU COMMITTED TO A DATE.

FINE.

WE'LL HAVE LUNCH TOMORROW.

FINE.

FINE.

THIS TIME I'LL DRIVE.

ALL RIGHT.

[***]

[SHIVERING]

[CAR APPROACHING]

IT'S KIND OF LATE TO BE OUT IN PAJAMAS.

YOUR FATHER WANTED ME TO INTRODUCE HIM

TO THE BIG MAN IN OUR YARD.

HE'S NOT REAL.

NO, POP.

NO, NO, I MEAN SANTA CLAUS IS NOT REAL.

DOES EVERYBODY KNOW THAT?

I-I THINK THEY DO.

HOW WAS YOUR DATE?

WHAT DATE?

LOU WENT ON A DATE WITH DIANNE CROUCH.

MR. CROUCH'S DAUGHTER--

NO, IT WASN'T REALLY A DATE.

WE JUST STAYED AND WORKED OVERTIME.

WHO IS SHE?

DOES SHE HAVE A FAMILY?

HER PARENTS DIVORCED

WHEN SHE WAS LITTLE.

HER MOM LEFT AND NEVER CAME BACK.

SHE DOESN'T REALLY HAVE A FAMILY.

JUST HER DAD

AND A THOUSAND STRANGERS.

FIND A GIRL THAT'S FEISTY.

[CHUCKLING]

MY GIRL WAS FEISTY.

I'M STILL FEISTY.

LIKE A FAST TRAIN!

[CHUCKLING]

AND YOU'D BETTER BE ON YOUR TOES.

THESE WOMEN,

IF YOU'RE NOT ON YOUR TOES,

THE TRAIN WILL LEAVE THE STATION WITHOUT YOU,

AND YOU'LL BE STANDING THERE

WITH YOUR HOT DOG AND A SODA, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

COME ON.

IT'S SAD.

WHAT'S THAT, POP?

IF THERE REALLY WAS A SANTA CLAUS,

WE WOULD ALL HAVE BEEN

A LOT HAPPIER ABOUT THINGS.

COME ON, LET'S GET YOU INSIDE.

OKAY, UP, UP, OVER.

OVER.

OKAY, THERE YOU GO.

I GOT IT.

OKAY, WHERE... OKAY, THAT'S GOOD.

YEAH, RIGHT THERE.

[LAUGHING]

WHOA... WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!

ALL RIGHT, BRING THIS UP HERE.

OKAY, LET'S MOVE IT...

WHERE?

THE OTHER WAY.

HUH?

YES.

GO PUT THIS ON THE SLEIGH.

ALL RIGHT.

WHOA! HEY!

AH, ALL RIGHT.

TWO, THREE, ALL RIGHT...

OKAY, JUST LIFT.

WHO IS THAT?

MY NEIGHBOR.

I KNOW THAT.

WHO'S THE BIG GUY WITH THE SWORD?

HEY, GOLDBERG!

WHO IS THAT?

IT'S MATTATHIAS.

HASMONEAN.

HE WAS A MACCABEE.

OF COURSE.

CHECK IT OUT.

TESTING, TESTING.

AHEM.

[DEEP VOICE]: MY NAME IS MATTATHIAS.

I STAND UPON MOUNT MORIAH.

MY LAMP IS BRIGHT!

YOU'VE WRITTEN A WHOLE SCRIPT?

AREN'T YOU SMART, LOU.

I ALWAYS KNEW THAT ABOUT YOU.

HEY, GOLDBERG!

WHO SAID YOU COULD GO STEREO?

IT'S TOO LOUD. I GOT MUSIC.

I WANT TO HEAR MY MUSIC. YEAH!

I'M SICK TO DEATH OF CHRISTMAS MUSIC.

THIS IS WITHIN THE RULES.

[TERRIFIED SHRIEKING]

[AIR HISSING]

HOMME NEIGE! HOMME NEIGE!

MON DIEU!

[CACKLING]

WHERE IS YOUR LEAK?

AH, MON HOMME DE NEIGE!

WHAT IS HAPPENING TO YOU?

HOMME...

OH, MON DIEU, MON DIEU!

AH...

AHA!

THERE IS A HALF-INCH SLICE

JUST BELOW THE LEFT SHOULDER BLADE

OF MON HOMME DE NEIGE.

IT IS SMOOTH,

NOT JAGGED!

THE SMOOTH, DELIBERATE THRUST OF A BLADE, HUH?

I KNOW THIS. I AM A CHEF!

IT IS SABOTAGE!

THE QUESTION IS...

WHO?

WHICH ONE OF YOU COWARDS DID THIS, HUH?

WELL, DID YOU?

HOW ABOUT YOU, AARON, HUH?

DID YOU SEND YOUR WARRIOR WITH HIS SWORD

DOWN TO A MIDNIGHT ASSASSINATION, EH?

COME ON, JACQUES.

OR WHAT ABOUT YOU, GARY, HUH?

THINGS NOT SO WONDERFUL

IN WINTER WONDERLAND, HUH?

YOU'RE A LAWYER, GARY.

HUH? BACK-STABBING IS RIGHT UP YOUR ALLEY!

HEY! HEY, HEY, HEY!

OR MAYBE IT WAS LOU.

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

SWEET LOU BOYD,

WHO NEVER HURT A SOUL HIS WHOLE LIFE, HUH?

THINGS A LITTLE QUIET IN THE WORKSHOP?

COME ON, JACQUES, YOU'RE A CHEF.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST SEW HIM UP

LIKE A TURKEY?

[ALL SNICKERING]

I WILL FIX HIM.

DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT THAT.

HE WILL BE AS GOOD AS NEW,

WHICH IS MORE THAN I CAN SAY FOR THE REST OF YOU!

WHAT THE HELL'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN, JACK?

IT IS JACQUES!

OH, MON HOMME.

MON HOMME!

THAT'S WEIRD.

I WILL FIX YOU.

YOU WILL BE AS NEW.

NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW.

COME ON.

WE WILL FIND OUT WHO DID THIS.

WELL, WE HAVE TO GET BACK TO WORK.

YEAH, YOU'RE THE BOSS.

AAH!

MORON.

WHOOP! OW.

SORRY.

POKED ME IN THE HEAD, YOU GOOF.

WE'RE IN THE PAPER EVERY DAY.

I LIKE THE BALLOON MAN.

YOU GOT TO LOVE INFLATABLES.

HE WON'T WIN.

OH, YOU THINK BOYD WILL?

HE HAS TO, SO HE WILL.

YOU TRUST HIM, DO YOU?

YES.

WELL, I DON'T.

I DON'T LIKE HIM, EITHER.

YOU DON'T KNOW HIM, DADDY.

OH, YOU DO, HUH?

I KNEW HIS FATHER, YOU KNOW.

HAD A SHOE FACTORY UP IN PATTERSON.

THERE WAS A TIME

I USED TO BUY FROM HIM DIRECTLY.

[CHUCKLING]

STUBBORN OLD COOT.

SOLD IT YEARS AGO, MADE A PILE OF MONEY.

HE'S LOSING HIS MARBLES NOW, I HEARD.

WELL, THAT'S WHY LOU--

I MEAN, MR. BOYD-- MOVED HOME,

TO TAKE CARE OF HIS PARENTS.

YOU KNOW, HE WAS ENGAGED.

SHE LEFT HIM AT THE ALTAR.

JUST DIDN'T SHOW UP.

CAN YOU IMAGINE?

YOU GOT TO KEEP A LEVEL HEAD, DIANNE.

I MEAN, COME ON, YOU'RE ON A JET PLANE

TO THE TOP OF THE WORLD.

BOYD'S ON A SLOW BOAT TO NOWHERE.

HE'S AN EMPLOYEE.

YOU'RE HIS BOSS.

NOW, THIS CONTEST IS ONE THING,

AND ONE THING ONLY.

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS, DON'T YOU?

YES, DADDY.

BUSINESS.

THAT'S MY GIRL.

HEY, DON'T WE NEED MORE SNOW?

OOH, YEAH.

A LITTLE BIT MORE SNOW.

HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY!

HEY, THAT'S MINE!

I SAW IT FIRST!

OH, PROVE IT!

SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO PROVE IT, GARY.

IT'S A FACT, LIKE THE AIR.

DROP THE SNOW! YEAH!

NOT TODAY!

I'VE HAD IT

WITH YOUR IDIOSYNCRATIC LEGALESE DOGMA.

WHO'S RESPONSIBLE IN A COURT OF LAW

FOR THE FERTILIZER ON THE GRASS

BETWEEN THE DRIVEWAYS... YEAH!

WHO'S LIABLE FOR WHAT TREES

HANG OVER WHOSE PROPERTY LINE,

OR THE LEGALLY INCURRED COSTS

OF CRABAPPLE CLEANUP!

I'M SICK OF IT, AND I'M SICK OF YOU!

I'M SICK OF YOU!

FOR YEARS AND YEARS,

I'VE LISTENED TO YOU DRONE ON AND ON

ABOUT WHAT'S DEDUCTIBLE AND WHAT'S TAXABLE

WHILE DRINKING YOUR WATERED-DOWN COCKTAILS

AT YOUR STUPID BARBECUES!

STUPID?

NOBODY SERVES LATKAS AT A BARBECUE!

THEY ARE DELICIOUS ON THE GRILL.

THEY ARE WRONG AND STUPID!

NOW, LET GO OF THE SNOW!

NO, YOU DROP IT!

YOU SHOULD BOTH DROP IT, HUH?

OH, MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS, JACQUES!

WHY DON'T YOU, HUH?

AFTER ALL, IT WAS MY BONHOMME DE NEIGE

WHICH WAS SABOTAGED--

AW, SHUT UP!

HEY, THERE'S NO REASON FOR YOU TO BE SO MEAN TO ME, GARY.

SCREW IT, JACK!

COME ON! GET IT!

WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE.

YOUR VERBAL ABUSE WILL HOLD UP IN COURT.

OH, UP YOURS, JACK.

WHAT THE HECK IS THE DESIGNER FOR, HUH?

THE WHOLE THING'S A COMPLETE FRAUD, JUST LIKE YOU ARE--

[SCREAMS]

YOU BIT HIM!

THAT'S SELF-DEFENSE!

LET GO OF IT, YOU IMBECILES!

IT'S MINE!

SEE HOW IT FEELS, JACQUES?

JUST LIKE ANTS AT A PICNIC!

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT MEANS.

GET IT, GET IT, GET IT!

GET IT, GET IT! GET IT!

STOP IT, YOU GUYS! STOP IT!

NOW, COME ON! YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME!

I WORK HERE!

YEAH, WE KNOW YOU WORK HERE, LOU.

THAT'S WHY YOU ALWAYS GET THE BEST LIGHTS FIRST.

AT A BIG, FAT DISCOUNT.

I PAY THE SAME AS EVERYBODY ELSE.

[ALL SCOFFING]

PROVE IT!

LET'S SEE YOUR RECEIPTS!

SHOVE IT, GARY.

NO, YOU SHOVE IT, LOU.

NO, YOU SHOVE IT-- YOU SHOVE IT.

OH, THAT'S IT, BALDY.

HEY!

[ALL SHOUTING]

OOF!

AH!

[GRUNTS]

OW! OW!

COME ON, GARY.

LET ME OUT OF...

[GROANING]

AH-HA-HA!

I GOT IT! I GOT IT!

HA, HA!

GO, BABY! GO, BABY!

YOU BIT MY LEG!

WHERE'S THE SNOW? I WANT THE SNOW!

STOP IT! STOP IT!

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?

THE SNOW!

I'M GOING TO SUE YOU, YOU SON OF A...

[ONLOOKERS APPLAUDING]

HI!

WOW.

[GASPING]

IT'S STILL BLEEDING.

I HAVEN'T HAD A BLEEDING NOSE

SINCE I WAS IN GRADE SIX.

OKAY, STOP COMPLAINING.

SIT DOWN.

LEAN BACK AND PINCH IT.

NO, NO, IT'S LEAN FORWARD,

AND HEAD BETWEEN THE KNEES.

NO, IT'S LEAN BACK.

NO, NO, I'M SURE OF IT.

IT'S LEAN FORWARD.

LEAN BACK, AND BREATHE INTO THIS.

THAT'S A CURE FOR THE HICCUPS.

YES, AND IT'S ALSO A CURE FOR LOTS OF THINGS.

BLOODY NOSES AND HYPERVENTILATION.

OH...

I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY WERE ARGUING

OVER CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS.

I KNOW, THEY WERE LIKE

HOCKEY PLAYERS OFF THE BENCH.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

THEY'RE GOING TO LICK THEIR WOUNDS

AND THEN THEY'RE GOING TO

COME BACK STRONGER AND MEANER.

AND HUNGRIER.

WE CAN'T LET THEM WIN.

WE GOT TO KEEP OUR EYE ON THE PRIZE.

YOU KNOW WHAT? WE HAVE TO FIGHT BACK.

WHATEVER THEY DO, WE'LL DO MORE.

YEAH. OH, UH, RON WANTS TO JOIN OUR TEAM.

HE'S GOING TO GIVE US HIS LIGHTS AND HIS CHRISTMAS DECORATIONS,

AND I'LL DO SOME SHOPPING FOR HIM,

AND WE'LL GIVE THE REST TO CHARITY WHEN WE WIN.

TELL HIM TO MAKE A LIST, AND WE'LL RECONVENE LATER.

SIT DOWN.

I LIKE THIS TEAM-BUILDING,

AND IT'S LESS EXPENSIVE THAN A WILDERNESS ADVENTURE.

[CHUCKLES]

OH, LOOK AT YOU.

OH, HEY, IT STOPPED BLEEDING.

OW.

OW! AH...

YOU LOOK TERRIBLE.

I GAVE BACK AS GOOD AS I GOT.

I SAW YOU.

IT WAS RECKLESS BEHAVIOR,

AND IT WAS IMMATURE AND RIDICULOUSLY MACHO,

WHICH IS REDUNDANT, I KNOW, BUT...

YOU COULD HAVE GOTTEN HURT.

I DID GET HURT.

YOU HAVE AN OBLIGATION TO COMPETE IN THIS CONTEST,

AND I CAN'T HAVE YOU IN TRACTION

IN SOME HOSPITAL

IN CHILLYBROOK.

THIS WASN'T PART OF YOUR STRATEGY, WAS IT?

WHAT?

FALLING FOR ME.

I'M NOT FALLING FOR YOU, MR. BOYD.

CALL ME LOU.

WELL, I'M NOT FALLING FOR YOU, LOU.

YOU SURE ABOUT THAT... DIANNE?

UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES AM I FALLING FOR YOU.

OH, WELL, GOOD, BECAUSE I'M NOT FALLING FOR YOU.

YOU'RE...

PERFECT.

WELL, WE'RE NOT BEING SUED!

THAT'S THE GOOD NEWS.

I TOOK 15% OFF ALL SALE ITEMS ON THE FLOOR,

AND PEOPLE ARE GOING HOME HAPPY AS PIGS IN MUD.

WHAT'S THE BAD NEWS?

BAD NEWS?

THERE IS NO BAD NEWS.

IT'S NOT BAD THAT YOU TOOK 15%

OFF YOUR SALES PRICE?

THE MARK-UP'S OFF THE CHARTS.

WE MADE A FORTUNE OFF THAT FIGHT.

I MEAN, TALK ABOUT GETTING INTO

YOUR CHRISTMAS SPIRIT, HUH?

THAT WASN'T THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT.

THAT WAS MORE LIKE A BARROOM BRAWL.

WRONG-O, BOYD.

THAT WAS THE MOTHER OF ALL CLEARANCE SALES.

NOW, LISTEN TO ME.

I WANT YOU TO ORDER MORE LIGHTS.

MORE DECORATIONS.

MORE EVERYTHING!

I WANT TO SEE TRUCKS HERE FIRST THING IN THE MORNING,

BECAUSE IT'S GOING TO BE A MADHOUSE

WHEN I ANNOUNCE ANOTHER HOUR.

UH, SORRY, SIR.

I JUST HAD MY BELL RUNG.

UH...

YOU SAID YOU'RE GOING TO ANNOUNCE ANOTHER HOUR?

FOUR FREE HOURS OF SHOPPING.

HEY, WHEN YOU'RE IN THE TURN,

YOU GOT TO HIT THE GAS.

YOU'RE USING A DRIVING ANALOGY?

I WANT FULL PAGE ADS.

GET THE WORD OUT.

YOU CAN'T USE A DRIVING ANALOGY.

TV, RADIO, FLYERS, MAGAZINES.

YOU DRIVE WITH YOUR KNEES.

HEY!

IF THREE HOURS ARE GOOD, FOUR HOURS HAVE GOTTA BE BETTER.

NOW, COME ON, DIANNE. PEDAL TO THE METAL.

LET'S GO!

I'M GOING, DADDY.

OH, BOYD...

I SAW YOU AND DIANNE WHEN I WALKED IN HERE.

NOW, THAT DIDN'T LOOK LIKE STORE BUSINESS TO ME.

NOW, THE BOTTOM LINE IS,

I GOT JUST TWO THINGS TO SAY TO YOU--

YOU DON'T LIKE ME, AND YOU NEVER HAVE.

I WANT TRUCKS HERE

FIRST THING MONDAY MORNING, OKAY?

Y-YEAH. YES, SIR.

GOOD BOY.

AND COMB THAT HAIR.

[POPS BAG]

READY?

ABSOLUTELY.

WELL, GET IN.

I KNOW I PROMISED YOU AN EXPENSIVE LUNCH

AT A FANCY RESTAURANT

TO PROVE THAT I AM

WAY OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE,

BUT THERE IS SOMETHING THAT YOU HAVE TO SEE.

I GOT YOU A, UH...

PASTRAMI ON RYE...

AND A LEMONADE.

I'M SURE YOU'RE USED TO THAT.

YOU... YOU DRIVE WITH YOUR KNEES?

YEAH, MY DAD TAUGHT ME.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!

[TIRES SQUEAL]

LISTEN TO THIS.

"IN ONE WEEK,

"THE FAMILIES OF CHESTNUT STREET

"IN THE TOWNSHIP OF PINENUT

"HAVE TAKEN THE CONTEST TO UNCHARTED WATERS.

"ADD UP THE ADDITION

"OF ANOTHER HOUR OF FREE SHOPPING,

"THE DOCUMENTED REPORT OF SABOTAGE,

"AND THE HOLIDAY AISLE BRAWL,

"AND THERE'S NO TELLING WHAT KIND OF EXPLOSIONS

ARE STILL TO COME FROM CHESTNUT STREET."

THERE'S...

"THE HARD TRUTH IS

"THAT THIS FOUR-HOUR FREE SHOPPING SPREE...

[TIRES SQUEALING]

"MIGHT JUST HAVE ALREADY HAVE SAILED.

"IT SEEMS CLEAR

"THAT SOMEONE ON CHESTNUT STREET

"IS POISED TO CLAIM VICTORY.

THE ONLY QUESTION LEFT, WHO WILL IT BE?"

[BRAKES SCREECH]

THERE THEY ARE.

HOW'S THE NOSE, LOU?

FINE, GARY.

HOW'S THE JAW?

IS THAT A MAP YOU HAVE THERE?

JUST GETTING ORGANIZED.

IT'S A BIG STORE,

AND GARY'S GOING TO BE SHOPPING

FOUR STRAIGHT HOURS.

WE HAVE TO MAKE EVERY MILLISECOND COUNT.

THIS YOUR LITTLE, UH...

YOUR, UH, FAN CLUB?

THEY'RE MEMBERS OF THE TEAM.

THEY KNOW A WINNER WHEN THEY SEE ONE.

THEY THREW THEIR HATS,

NOT TO MENTION LIGHTS AND DECORATIONS,

INTO MY RING.

NOT TOO LATE FOR YOU, LOU.

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

DO YOU WANT TO JOIN

THE WINTER WONDERLAND EXPRESS?

CHUGGA-CHUGGA, CHUGGA-CHUGGA... WHOO! WHOO!

[CHUCKLES]

ALL ABOARD.

WE'RE GOING TO MAKE A KILLING.

[TIRES SQUEALING]

WHOA! CAREFUL!

PUTZ.

NEW STRATEGIES.

SURPRISE TACTICS.

A TAKE-NO-PRISONERS APPROACH FROM AN UNEXPECTED ANGLE.

SOMETHING WITH PANACHE, FINESSE.

A LEVEL OF EXPERTISE

THAT YOUR NEIGHBORS CAN'T COMPREHEND.

ARE YOU STILL FEELING NAUSEOUS?

NO. I'M BETTER.

IT WAS IMPORTANT SEEING THEM OUT THERE,

PLANNING AND TRAINING.

TURNED OUT TO BE A VERY NICE LUNCH.

I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO EAT.

WELL, WHO CAN EAT?

BUT IT, UH, LOOKS LIKE

YOUR SHIRT HAD A GOOD TIME.

YOU MADE ITS DAY.

SO I GUESS WE KNOW

WHO'S IN AND OUT OF WHOSE LEAGUE.

OH, THAT WAS NOT A DATE.

OH, IT WAS A DATE.

I ASKED YOU TO LUNCH.

IT WAS A DATE.

BUT THAT WASN'T FAIR.

WE WERE ON YOUR TURF.

IT'S YOUR TURF, TOO.

WELL, YEAH, BUT YOU DRIVE WITH YOUR KNEES.

YOU LOOKING FOR A TIEBREAKER?

ANYTIME, ANYWHERE.

HUH...

GAME ON.

[GRUNTS]

THEY'RE OUT THERE RIGHT NOW,

CRUISING THE AISLES,

DRAWING MAPS, PLANNING STRATEGIES.

AND MAXIMIZING THEIR FOUR HOURS OF SHOPPING

AS A LOGISTICAL CONTEST TACTIC.

WE SHOULD HAVE SEEN IT COMING.

I DID.

YOU DID?

OH, YEAH, I'VE GOT SPIES ALL OVER THE PLACE.

LOOK AT THIS.

IT'S A PROJECTION CHART OF THE DROPOUT RATE.

GO TO THE SUMMARY.

ACTUARIAL DID THIS?

YEAH, I PUT JOHNSON ON IT.

[CHUCKLING]: GUY'S AN ABSOLUTE WHIZ

WITH NUMBERS.

"CURRENT RATE OF ATTRITION,

"DUE IN EQUAL PARTS TO CONTEST FATIGUE,

"FINANCIAL LIMITATIONS-- BLAH, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

CUT TO THE CHASE.

OKAY, DAH, DAH, DAH, DAH, DAH...

"CONTESTANTS WILL MOST LIKELY BE LIMITED

"TO CHESTNUT STREET IN PINENUT

"WITH NON-COMPETITIVE POCKETS

"IN BUBBLETON, CHILLYBROOK,

AND FITZBERG."

YOU SEE?

WE SOLD 'EM ALL THOSE LIGHTS,

AND THEY'RE DROPPING LIKE FLIES.

RETAIL EQUALS IRONY, DIANNE.

GREED.

NEVER FORGET IT.

I HAVE TO TELL LOU.

YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME.

ONLY A HANDFUL OF FAMILIES

WILL BE LEFT AT THE END OF THE CONTEST.

THE WINNER WILL BE SHOPPING FOR HIS TEAM,

NOT JUST HIS FAMILY.

ONE PLASMA SCREEN TV WILL NOT BE ENOUGH.

SOON, THEY'LL WANT SIX, EIGHT, A DOZEN.

MULTIPLY THAT OVER A HOST OF HIGH-END PRODUCTS,

LIKE PHONES, CAMERAS, JEWELRY...

AND FOUR HOURS OF FREE SHOPPING

LOSES ITS SMALL-TOWN CHARM.

MORE THAN EVER,

WE NEED TO WIN THIS CONTEST.

IT'S NOT ABOUT THE CONTEST.

I'M TALKING ABOUT BOYD.

HE'S SOFT.

SOFT?

WELL, HE'S GOT NO DRIVE, NO EDGE.

HE'S JUST NOT LIKE YOU.

LIKE ME?

OH, COME ON, DIANNE.

IT'S NO ACCIDENT

YOU'RE AN EXECUTIVE HIGH-POWERED SUPERSTAR.

I MEAN, LOOK IN THE MIRROR.

YOU DON'T SEE

PICKET FENCES AND BLOCK PARTIES,

DO YOU?

NO.

NEITHER DO I.

I SEE EMPIRES,

I SEE EXECUTIVE BOARDROOMS,

EMPLOYEES ALL OVER THE WORLD,

AND BOYD IS JUST...

AH, HE'LL LET YOU DOWN.

YOU DON'T KNOW HIM, DADDY.

DOES HE SHOP?

YES, HE SHOPS.

THEN I KNOW HIM.

OH...

THIS IS HALF-NAKED.

I NEED MORE LIGHTS.

MORE SNOW.

[SHRIEKS]

OH!

OH, NO.

THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

YOU WON'T BE LUCKY TWICE, HUH?

[TRAIN WHISTLE TOOTS]

WHAT DO YOU THINK, DEAR?

WHAT THE HELL IS IT?

IT'S SANTA'S WORKSHOP.

THOSE ARE ELVES FIXING TOYS,

AND THAT'S SANTA.

IT'S CHRISTMAS.

NOT TO ME.

WELL, WE HAVEN'T FINISHED YET.

SOMETHING'S CHANGED.

I CAN FEEL IT.

WHAT? WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

THIS ISN'T ABOUT CHRISTMAS.

[LAUGHING]

THERE YOU GO.

IT'S GOOD AS NEW, HUH?

AH, C'EST BON, C'EST BON.

[CHORTLING]

HE CALLS IT "WONDERLAND"?

HA!

WHAT'S IT ABOUT?

WAR.

[SCOFFS]

AH, LA MAISON DE GINGEMBRE.

ALL RIGHT, THESE GO TO HOUSEWARES.

THESE TWO BICYCLES, THEY GO TO LINENS, YEAH?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M GETTING READY FOR SPRING.

BUT IT'S STILL CHRISTMAS.

CHRISTMAS IS OVER.

WHAT, ARE YOU GOING TO MOVE EVERYTHING?

WELL...

EXCEPT FOOD.

I MEAN, FOOD IS STILL FOOD.

YEAH, BUT WHAT ABOUT THE CONTEST?

THE FOUR FREE HOURS OF SHOPPING?

YEAH, I KNOW, BAD TIMING

FOR THE WINNER, BUT, HEY,

WE MOVE EVERYTHING IN THE STORE EVERY YEAR,

SO PEOPLE HAVE TO GO THROUGH THE WHOLE STORE

TO FIND OUT WHAT'S WHERE.

I MEAN, IMPULSE SHOPPING IS UP 32%.

YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME, ASK JOHNSON.

HE'S GOT THE NUMBERS.

THIS ISN'T ABOUT NUMBERS, DADDY.

YOU ARE SPENDING TOO MUCH TIME WITH BOYD.

NO, SHE'S NOT.

I'M NOT?

ARE YOU?

NO, I'M NOT.

NO, I'M NOT.

I TOLD YOU TWO NOT TO GET INVOLVED.

WELL, IT'S TOO LATE FOR THAT, DADDY.

WE ARE INVOLVED.

THESE PEOPLE AREN'T JUST CONTESTANTS,

THEY'RE SHOPPERS.

THEY'VE DRAWN MAPS.

THEY'VE PLANNED STRATEGIES.

THEY'LL BE DISAPPOINTED, EVEN ANGRY.

THEY MIGHT NOT SHOP HERE ANYMORE.

WE'LL GET 'EM OFF THAT DIME, NO PROBLEM.

WHEN I ANNOUNCE THE WINNER,

I'LL ANNOUNCE THE NEXT CONTEST.

THE NEXT CONTEST?

THE GREAT AMERICAN STORE EASTER EGG HUNT.

I MEAN, PICTURE IT.

BASKETS AND BONNETS, AND BUNNIES

AND DRESSES AND HATS

AND TRUCKLOADS OF EGGS.

GREEN GRASS, HOUSE PAINT, NEW SHRUBS...

I'M TELLING YOU, IT'S GOING TO BE A GRAND SLAM.

THEY WON'T FORGET CHRISTMAS.

OH, DIANNE,

RETAIL HAS NO MEMORY.

NO FEELINGS.

IT'S LIKE A GREAT WHITE SHARK

MOVING THROUGH THE DEEP, DARK OCEAN.

NOTHING BEHIND IT.

NOTHING ON ITS MIND BUT ITS NEXT MEAL,

AND ITS NEXT MEAL ONLY.

WHAT ABOUT THE PEOPLE?

LITTLE FISH.

FIND OUT WHAT, WHERE, AND WHEN

THEY LIKE TO EAT,

AND FEED 'EM TO THE SHARK.

IT'S THE SHARK YOU GOT TO WORRY ABOUT.

NOW, YOU TWO BETTER FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU'RE DOING,

BECAUSE ONCE THIS CONTEST ENDS

YOU GET UNINVOLVED.

DON'T LISTEN TO HIM.

AND YOU CALL THESE SANTA BOOTS?

CAN YOU RE-STOCK THE TINSEL?

AISLE FIVE, PLEASE.

AH! SORRY.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, BUDDY BOY.

WE'LL DO A WALK-THROUGH THIS AFTERNOON.

TOMORROW, WE'LL DO A DRESS REHEARSAL,

AND THEN, ON SUNDAY, SHOWTIME.

YOU GUYS ARE GOING TO BE FABULOUS.

FOR A SECOND THERE,

I THOUGHT THAT SANTA CLAUS WAS REAL.

I WAS GOING OVER RON'S LISTS.

"LISTS"? PLURAL?

YES, HE'S TEAMED UP

WITH SOME OF HIS NEIGHBORS,

AND NOW THEY'RE PART

OF OUR SUBSET SHOPPING STRATEGY.

DO THEY UNDERSTAND

THAT MOST OF IT IS GOING TO CHARITY?

RON HAS FRIENDS FROM ALL OVER THE PLACE

AND THEY'VE KICKED IN DECORATIONS.

MOSTLY LOWER-TIER-- CLOTHES, TOOLS--

BUT THEY'RE DEFINITELY ON THE LIST.

UH, I'D REALLY LOVE TO DISCUSS

THE UNDERLYING COMPLEXITIES IN CONTEST SHOPPING STRATEGY,

BUT I'M CONCERNED ABOUT DWARVES RIGHT NOW.

HOW MUCH DO THEY COST, AND WHO'S GOING TO PAY?

DO YOU EVEN KNOW

WHAT YOUR NEIGHBORS HAVE BEEN UP TO

FOR THE LAST FOUR DAYS?

NO. DO YOU?

YES, EILEEN AND HER HUSBAND

WERE IN LOS ANGELES.

WHO KNOWS WHAT DEALS THEY'VE BEEN MAKING.

LIVE ORCHESTRA?

WE'RE SPYING ON THEM?

DON'T YOU THINK THEY'RE SPYING ON US?

AND THE CHEF,

HE CHARTERED A FLIGHT FROM EUROPE.

ON THE 24th, IT'S ARRIVING.

WHAT DO YOU THINK

IS GOING TO BE ON THAT FLIGHT?

I DON'T KNOW.

A PARTRIDGE IN A PEAR TREE?

AND THE LAWYER'S WIFE WAS IN NEW YORK

AND HAD A LUNCH MEETING

WITH THE PEOPLE FROM THE MACY'S DAY PARADE,

AND ON HER WAY HOME

WENT TO CIRQUE DE SOLEIL.

OH, WELL, YOU SEE, THAT MAKES SENSE,

BECAUSE RUMOR HAS IT THEY'RE SWINGERS.

IF YOU WANT TO RUN WITH THE BIG DOGS,

YOU'VE GOT TO GET UP OFF THE PORCH.

BECAUSE IT'S A DOG-EAT-DOG WORLD?

[GROANING]: YOU'RE IMPOSSIBLE.

DO YOU WANT TO WIN THIS THING

OR NOT?

SURE.

[***]

ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY, GET READY, HUH?

SHALL WE HAVE A LOOK?

OH, GARY, THE BIG MOMENT!

OKAY, BABY, READY?

THE LIGHTS!

UN!

ONE!

OH!

DEUX!

TWO!

BEAUTIFUL!

TROIS!

THREE! OH, GARY!

FANTASTIC!

GORGEOUS.

C'EST FANTASTIQUE!

OH, OKAY.

NO, I-I DON'T WANT YOU TO THINK THAT EITHER.

OH, WELL, GOOD--

[MUFFLED CRY]

ARE YOU OKAY IN THERE, AL?

DON'T CALL ME AL!

CALL ME SANTA!

I PUT ON THE RED SUIT, I BECOME THE MAN!

WELL, ARE YOU OKAY IN THERE, SANTA?

NO, I'M GOING TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK

AND DIE OUT THERE!

PLEASE DON'T DO THAT!

I'LL ADMIT,

THIS IS WAY AHEAD OF SCHEDULE FOR ME.

WELL, AND I WAS SO FAR BEHIND SCHEDULE,

I NEVER THOUGHT I'D GET BACK.

SECOND HALF OF THE THIRD YEAR,

I WAS THINKING,

AND HERE I AM,

NOT EVEN SETTLED INTO MANAGEMENT,

AND I'VE ALREADY MET SOMEONE.

YOU-- YOU'VE MET SOMEONE?

NO, NOT SOMEONE.

YOU. I MET YOU.

I WANT TO RENEGOTIATE

MY CONTRACT.

AND I'VE MET YOU.

CAN WE TALK LATER, SANTA?

ANYTIME YOU WANT,

BUT NO DOUGH, NO SHOW.

MAYBE THAT'S THE WAY THEY DO IT IN THE NORTH POLE, SANTA,

BUT HERE IN PINENUT IT'S "NO SHOW, NO DOUGH!"

I HATE PINENUT!

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

I DIDN'T EVEN MANAGE ANYTHING.

IT JUST HAPPENED.

LISTEN,

I GOT BAD ASTHMA. DID I TELL YOU THAT?

YEAH, ONLY ABOUT A HUNDRED TIMES

SINCE WE FIRST MET.

YOU KNOW, I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.

I NEVER THOUGHT THIS WOULD HAPPEN AGAIN.

IT TURNS OUT,

YOU CAN'T MANAGE THE INTANGIBLES,

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

THE INTANGIBLES ARE THE BEST PART.

[GIGGLING]

SO, WHAT ABOUT LUNCH?

I'M ALLERGIC TO PEANUTS AND SHELLFISH.

YOU'RE NOT SERVING SHRIMP, ARE YOU?

YEAH, SHRIMP STIR-FRY WITH PEANUTS.

I LOVE THE INTANGIBLES.

YOU WANT ME TO TURN GREEN,

DIE RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE LITTLE KIDS?

YOU KNOW WHAT?

WE'LL WORK IT INTO THE ACT, SANTA.

WHAT, IS THAT A JOKE?

YEAH, HO, HO, HO, AL.

I TOLD YOU.

WHEN I'M IN COSTUME, YOU CALL ME SANTA!

I LOVE THEM, TOO.

YOU KNOW, LIKE THE SOUND OF YOUR LAUGHTER,

AND LIKE THE COLOR OF YOUR EYES...

I MEAN, WHO KNEW?

FORGET WHAT I SAID ABOUT FLOWERS AND CHOCOLATES.

MORE THAN ANYTHING,

I WANT YOU TO SHOW UP AT MY DOOR

WITH A DOZEN ROSES AND A BOX OF TRUFFLES.

I'LL BE THERE.

PROMISE?

[SANTA CHUCKLES]

SEE YOU ON SET, SANTA.

ALL RIGHT, THINK JOLLY.

BREAK A LEG.

FREAKIN' BOOTS ARE SO TIGHT, I'M SURE I WILL!

I HOPE YOU'RE INSURED!

OH, GOD, I'M WORRIED.

SO, UH...

DOES THIS MEAN THAT YOU AND ME...

WE'RE OFFICIAL?

WELL, DO WE HAVE TO PUT A LABEL ON IT?

I LIKE THINGS TO BE OFFICIAL.

YEAH, I KNOW,

BUT MAYBE THIS TIME WE CAN--

MMM...

OKAY, YOU WIN.

IT'S OFFICIAL.

WE'RE TOGETHER.

WHAT TIME IS IT EXACTLY?

I WANT TO REMEMBER THIS MOMENT FOREVER.

MM...

[SIGHS]

HERE THEY COME.

[JACQUES]: GET UP YOUR LADDER, FOR THE SNOW!

OKAY, HERE COMES THE JUDGES.

ALL RIGHT, FIX MY HAT, PUT THIS ON, GET THE LIGHTS.

COME ON, COME ON, COME ON.

OH, YEAH.

LET'S GO. YOU LOOK GREAT.

THAT LOOKS GREAT. I LOVE THAT.

OKAY, FORGOT TO TURN ON THIS STRING.

ARE THEY COMING?

HERE WE GO.

HOW'S EVERYTHING? IS IT GOOD?

YEAH? OH, FANTASTIC.

ALL RIGHT, JACK-IN-THE-BOX.

OH, I GOT IT.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

WHERE'S SANTA GOING?

SANTA? HE CAN'T GO.

GO GET HIM AND BRING HIM BACK.

SANTA! SANTA!

LE MUSIQUE!

[CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYING]

C'EST TRES BON. C'EST SWEET, SWEET.

ALL RIGHT, SMILE, SMILE!

HAPPY! HAPPY! OUI...

TRES, TRES BON.

OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

[SNARE DRUM BEATING]

HURRY, HURRY, GET THEM LIT. OKAY, OKAY.

SHOWTIME. LET'S TURN IT ON.

LET'S GO!

OKAY, COME ON.

OKAY, GET BACK, GET BACK.

MY NAME IS MATTATHIAS, AND I WILL DEFEND OUR FAITH...

AH...

LOOK AT THAT.

OH, THAT LOOKS NICE.

ALL RIGHT, WHERE IS--

SANTA'S NOT READY.

NOT READY?

WELL, HE'S IN THE BATHROOM.

HE'S GOT, UM...

COMPLICATIONS.

SANTA IS A WHINER.

OKAY...

LOOK AT THE OTHER HOUSES.

WE HAVE TO MAKE IT BIGGER,

BUT WE JUST NEED TO GET ON THE SHORT LIST

SO THAT WE CAN MAKE THE FINALS, OKAY?

BUT, YOU KNOW, TO DO THAT, WE NEED...

SANTA. SANTA.

OKAY, THE SNOW!

MORE SNOW!

FALLING SNOW, HUH?

HAPPY, HAPPY! STAY HAPPY!

SMILE A LITTLE, GINGERBREAD PEOPLE, HUH?

ALL RIGHT...

NO, I MEAN, LOOK AT...

NO, YOURS IS BETTER, REALLY--

OH, I GOT A TUMMY ACHE.

YEAH, WELL, IT'S CHRISTMAS, SANTA.

EVERYBODY GETS A TUMMY ACHE.

NO TUMMY ACHES FOR SANTA.

JUST STAND THERE LIKE WE REHEARSED,

FILL UP THE SLEIGH WITH THE GIFTS,

BOX BY BOX, REMEMBER?

OKAY, AND...

ACTION!

[WHISPERING]: NOT YOU.

YOU, COME ON, GET OUT OF THE WAY.

THEY'RE COMING.

OKAY, MORE SNOW!

MORE SNOW, YES.

[WOLVES HOWL]

...AND WILL DEFEND THE TEMPLE...

OW!

OH, I THINK I PULLED SOMETHING.

NO...

NO, NO, NO, YOU DIDN'T PULL ANYTHING.

NO, NO, NO.

ACTION, ACTION!

OW!

[WOLVES HOWL]

I LIKE THE IGLOO WITH THE SNOWMAN.

OH, HOW WONDERFUL.

VERY NICE, VERY NICE.

AND IT WILL COME TO PASS...

THIS ONE IS A JEWISH THEME.

OH...

...MY SON, JUDAS, WILL RETURN TO THIS PLACE

AND REDEDICATE IT TO OUR GOD...

TRES BON, TRES BON, HUH?

GOOD, GOOD. WHAT'S NEXT?

THE FRENCH GUY'S HOUSE LOOKS GREAT.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

WE JUST NEED TO HAVE MORE ACTION.

MORE LIGHTS, MORE...

MORE STUFF.

M-MORE? MORE.

JUST MORE.

MORE, EXACTLY. MORE.

OH, HERE THEY COME.

OH, LOOK AT THIS. LOTS OF ACTIVITY.

VERY GOOD.

SANTA WITH ELVES.

[PEOPLE MURMURING]

OH, THAT'S GORGEOUS, YEAH.

VERY NICE, VERY NICE.

NO, NO. WHERE ARE THEY GOING?

THEY CAN'T GO--

DON'T DROP THE PRESENTS, SANTA!

WHERE DID THEY GO? THEY CAN'T GO.

ARE THEY LEAVING?

I MEAN, ARE THEY JUST GOING TO LOOK

AT ANOTHER HOUSE?

I DON'T KNOW.

LES BON-BON.

LES BON-BON, AH...

VITE, VITE, VITE, VITE.

BON-BON...

MERCI BEAUCOUP.

AH... AH...

[CHUCKLING GLEEFULLY]

...AND THOUGH THE FIGHT WILL BE LONG AND HARD

OKAY, THEY GOT IT. LET'S GO.

GOOD.

WHAT'S JACK DOING OVER THERE?

I DON'T KNOW.

WHAT IS THAT?

MERCI BEAUCOUP.

FOR YOU, MONSIEUR?

A LOLLIPOP, HUH?

A LITTLE CANDY FOR YOU?

FOR YOU, MONSIEUR?

[MAN]: THANKS. I LOVE LOLLIPOPS.

WHAT'S HE DOING?

HE'S GIVING OUT CANDIES.

THAT'S AGAINST THE RULES.

HE SHOULD BE DISQUALIFIED.

HE CAN'T DO CANDIES!

JACQUES...

FORGET HIM.

YES!

YES! YES!

YES, YES, YES!

NO PROBLEM.

NO PROBLEM.

LET'S GET SOME MORE DECORATIONS.

THIS IS MY HOUSE!

I OWN IT!

EVERYBODY OUT!

OKAY, OKAY--

GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!

TAKE THESE LIGHTS DOWN!

GET OFF MY PROPERTY!

CARL, PLEASE!

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, POP, POP, CALM DOWN.

DON'T YOU TELL ME TO CALM DOWN!

WHO THE HELL ARE YOU

TO TELL ME TO CALM DOWN?

NO, POP, DON'T!

I DON'T WANT TO CALM DOWN!

POP...

POP, NO, DON'T!

CARL, PLEASE STOP!

YOU STOP!

ALL OF YOU, STOP THIS!

[DECORATIONS CRASHING]

IT'S OKAY.

IT'S OKAY.

IT'S OKAY.

IT'S OKAY, POP.

[SOBBING]

I DON'T HAVE...

A LOT OF THINGS THAT I REMEMBER

ANYMORE.

OH...

MOST OF THE TIME,

I THINK I DON'T REMEMBER YOU, LOU,

BUT I REMEMBER CHRISTMAS!

WHEN I WAS A BOY,

WHEN YOU WERE A BOY,

OUR TRADITIONS,

THE DECORATIONS, AND THE...

THE...

YOU PLAYING THE TRUMPET.

I REMEMBERED THAT!

I JUST WANT...

ONE MORE CHRISTMAS TO REMEMBER

BEFORE I DON'T REMEMBER ANYTHING ANYMORE.

GO BACK TO YOUR CONTEST, LOUIS.

THERE'S ALWAYS NEXT YEAR.

IT'S ALL RIGHT.

NO, MOM, IT'S NOT ALL RIGHT.

HE WON'T REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING--

BUT I WILL.

THAT'S IT.

SHOW'S OVER.

WE'RE OUT.

WE'RE TAKING EVERYTHING DOWN.

WHAT?

WE'RE TAKING IT DOWN.

WE HAVE CONTRACTS

WITH SANTA AND THE ELVES.

WELL, WE CAN... WE CAN...

PAY THEM FOR THE DAY.

YOU CANNOT TAKE THIS DOWN.

CAN I KEEP THE BOOTS?

THEY'RE GROWING ON ME.

I'M SORRY, DIANNE,

BUT WE'RE TAKING IT ALL DOWN.

THE LIGHTS, THE TOYS, THE TOOLS,

EVERYTHING, OKAY?

TAKE IT ALL DOWN.

NOW.

GET IT INTO THE GARAGE AND OUT OF MY FATHER'S YARD!

MOM, TAKE HIM INSIDE, OKAY?

I'LL DEAL WITH THIS.

YOU DO WHAT HE SAYS!

THAT'S MY SON!

MY SON LOUIS!

ALL RIGHT, JUST HOLD IT RIGHT THERE.

DON'T MOVE. YOU CAN'T DO THIS.

THIS WAS A TERRIBLE IDEA

FROM THE BEGINNING.

WELL, THEN I CAN KEEP THE BOOTS?

HUH?

THE WORKSHOP?

NO, THE CONTEST.

PUTTING ME IN IT,

IT WAS TOO MUCH FOR MY FATHER.

WELL, WE'LL SEND HIM TO THE BAHAMAS.

PUT HIM IN A HOTEL.

HE DOESN'T KNOW IF HE'S COMING OR GOING

MOST OF THE TIME.

DON'T LET HIM DO THIS TO US.

PLEASE, DO SOMETHING WITH HIM.

LIKE WHAT?

HAVE HIM REARRANGE THE ENTIRE STORE

TWO DAYS BEFORE THE WINNER IS ANNOUNCED?

I THOUGHT THEY WERE TOO TIGHT,

BUT THEY'RE JUST SNUG,

AND I THINK THEY'LL STRETCH.

YOU CAN'T QUIT THE CONTEST.

YES, I CAN.

I MEAN,

I'M NOT GIVING YOU PERMISSION TO QUIT!

I THINK IT'LL LOOK SMART

WITH LEVIS AND A FLANNEL SHIRT--

I DON'T NEED YOUR PERMISSION.

YOU DO IF YOU WANT TO KEEP YOUR JOB.

I DON'T WANT THE JOB.

IF YOU DO THIS...

IF YOU DO THIS...

IF YOU DO THIS, WE'RE BREAKING UP.

OFFICIALLY?

YEAH, OFFICIALLY.

I'M SORRY, DIANNE.

[SIGHS]

SHORTEST OFFICIAL RELATIONSHIP ON RECORD.

YOU SHOULD CALL GUINNESS,

BECAUSE THEY CAN HELP WITH THAT.

[ROARS]

[CHUCKLING]

WHAT?

SO ABOUT THESE BOOTS--

GO HOME!

WHAT ABOUT--

[GROWLS]

HO, HO, HO.

[WHISPERING]: OKAY.

SHH, SHH, SHH!

LET'S GO.

ALL RIGHT?

SHH, SHH, SHH!

[WHISPERING]: DO YOU NEED SOME HELP?

NO, I'M FINE.

YOU PUT THEM-- UGH.

[PANTING]

[THUD, SMASH]

[GROANS QUIETLY]

WE'RE GOING TO FIRE UP ALL OF THESE.

AND THE THING TO REMEMBER ABOUT THE PIECES

IS THAT THEY MUSTN'T BE TOO CLOSE TOGETHER.

RIGHT, NOT TOO CLOSE.

AND THEY CAN'T BE TOO FAR APART EITHER.

OKAY, POP, NOT TOO FAR.

THERE'S A DRAWING

IN A LITTLE BOX.

RIGHT.

MY GREAT-GREAT- GRANDFATHER,

EDWARD BOYD,

DREW IT HIMSELF.

IT'S HOW IT'S ALL TO BE LAID OUT,

HOW IT HAS TO LOOK.

HERE IT IS, POP.

YES.

YES... OKAY...

OH, WE MUSTN'T FORGET THE SONG.

NO, I WON'T FORGET, POP.

IN THE OLD DAYS, WE ALL SANG IT TOGETHER.

YEAH, WE WERE

THE BOYD FAMILY CHORUS, HUH?

MUSIC! MUSIC...

GET THAT CASE.

GET THAT CASE.

NOW WE'RE TALKING.

YES.

IN THE OLD DAYS, I PLAYED THE TRUMPET,

AND PEOPLE CAME FROM ALL OVER TOWN

TO JOIN IN.

THAT WAS REALLY CHRISTMAS,

WASN'T IT, POP?

OH...

I DON'T REMEMBER HOW TO PLAY.

WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?

WE NEED MUSIC.

FOR THE SONG.

CAN YOU PLAY?

NAH, I DON'T REMEMBER.

SURE YOU DO.

HEY, WHAT...

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THAT NICE GIRL

YOU HAD HERE?

THAT WAS A NICE GIRL.

DID YOU STAY ON YOUR TOES?

DID I TELL YOU STAY ON YOUR TOES?

YEAH, YOU DID, DAD,

BUT, UH...

THAT TRAIN LEFT THE STATION WITHOUT ME.

YOU'RE A GOOD BOY.

I WISH I HAD A SON LIKE YOU.

THANKS, POP.

[LAUGHS]

I GOT YOU GOOD THERE, DIDN'T I, SONNY?

[BOTH LAUGHING]

YEAH, YOU GOT ME, POP.

GOOD EVENING, SHOPPERS!

AND WELCOME TO THE FINAL MOMENTS

OF THE GREAT AMERICAN STORE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS CONTEST.

NOW, I JUST GOT TO ASK YOU THIS...

ARE YOU ALL READY FOR CHRISTMAS?

[CHEERING]

[CHUCKLING]

EARLIER TODAY,

THE JUDGES HAVE DONE SOME PRELIMINARY REVIEWS

AND HAVE DETERMINED

THAT THE FINAL THREE CONTESTANTS

FROM FITZBERG

HAVE DROPPED OUT.

NOW, I KNOW THAT'S SAD,

BUT IT GUARANTEES THAT THE WINNER WILL COME

FROM THE TOWNSHIP OF PINENUT,

RIGHT HERE ON CHESTNUT STREET,

WHICH, AS WE ALL KNOW,

IS VISIBLE FROM SPACE!

[CROWD APPLAUDING]

NOW, LOOKIT, FOLKS,

YOU'VE ALL READ THE PAPERS,

YOU KNOW ALL THE PLAYERS.

LET'S COUNT THIS THING DOWN,

AND FLICK THE SWITCH,

AND GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD.

ARE YOU READY?

ARE YOU READY?

ALL RIGHT.

IN TEN, NINE, EIGHT, SEVEN,

SIX, FIVE, FOUR,

THREE... TROIS!

TWO... DEUX!

ONE!

UN!

LET THERE BE LIGHT!

OH, HO, HO, LOOK AT THAT!

MY NAME IS MATTATHIAS,

AND I WILL DEFEND OUR FAITH IN OUR TEMPLE...

BRAVO!

C'EST MAGNIFIQUE!

OH...

WHOA-HO, LOOK AT THAT.

WOW, YOU'VE REALLY OUTDONE YOURSELVES.

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

[CROWD GASPS]

WHOA!

[ELECTRICITY FIZZLES]

WHAT?

[CRACKLING]

QU'EST-CE QUE SE PASSE?

[AIR HISSING]

[CROWD SHOUTING IN PANIC]

[SPARKING AND FIZZING]

WHAT HAPPENED?

OVER HERE.

OH!

MON HOMME DE NEIGE!

[CROWD MURMURING IN SURPRISE]

HOLY MOLY...

OH, UM, UH...

WELL, UH...

A POWER SURGE.

THEY OVERLOADED THE CITY'S POWER SUPPLY.

[LAUGHS]

TALK ABOUT LUCKY.

HOW LUCKY CAN WE GET?

[GIGGLING]

WHAT?

THE ENTIRE STREET IS DARK.

YEAH, BUT DON'T YOU SEE? THAT'S IT!

NO WINNER.

TALK ABOUT A MERRY CHRISTMAS!

[CHUCKLES]

[WHISPERING]: ALL RIGHT, YOU GUYS,

THERE'LL BE NO WINNER.

[CLEARS THROAT]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

NOW, THE JUDGES,

AFTER CONSIDERABLE REVIEW,

HAVE DETERMINED THAT THERE, UH...

[CLEARS THROAT]

ARE NO HOUSES LEFT TO JUDGE.

SO GOOD NEWS AND BAD NEWS.

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO HEAR FIRST?

BAD NEWS!

OKAY, WELL,

THE BAD NEWS IS...

[CLEARS THROAT]

THERE'S NOT GOING TO BE A WINNER.

WHAT DID HE SAY?

[CROWD MURMURING]

NOW, NOW, BUT THE GOOD NEWS IS...

WE'RE HAVING AN EASTER EGG CONTEST!

RIGHT,

WHAT ARE THE JEWS SUPPOSED TO DO?

SO, UH, AS YOU CAN SEE, THERE ARE NO MORE LIGHTS.

SO IF YOU WANT TO WRAP IT UP, WE'LL--

NOT TRUE.

WHAT?

THERE IS ONE MORE HOUSE WITH A LIGHT.

WHAT...

WHOSE?

LOU BOYD.

BUT--

BUT HE QUIT.

Y-YOU TOLD ME HE QUIT.

HE'S A LOSER. HE QUIT!

HE DID,

BUT I NEVER WITHDREW HIS NAME FROM THE CONTEST,

AND AS YOU CAN SEE, THERE IS LIGHT AT HIS HOUSE.

[WHISPERING]: I TOLD YOU NOT TO GET INVOLVED WITH HIM.

YOU KNOW, YOU CAN'T HELP IT SOMETIMES.

YOU CAN'T HELP IT,

AND YOU JUST CAN'T STOP IT.

IT JUST HAPPENS.

LOVE IS BIGGER THAN RETAIL, DADDY.

DON'T YOU KNOW THAT?

[TRUMPET PLAYING "SILENT NIGHT"]

HERE YOU ARE.

[CROWD MURMURING]

PASS THESE AROUND.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

OH, YEAH...

[PEOPLE BEGIN TO HUM ALONG]

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

YEAH. NOT BAD.

* SILENT NIGHT

* HOLY NIGHT

* ALL IS CALM

* ALL IS BRIGHT

* ROUND YON VIRGIN

* MOTHER AND CHILD

* HOLY INFANT

* SO TENDER AND MILD

* SLEEP IN HEAVENLY PEACE

* SLEEP IN HEAVENLY PEACE

THIS IS CHRISTMAS.

NOW IT'S CHRISTMAS.

OF COURSE IT IS, DEAR.

YOU PLAY THAT THING PRETTY DARN GOOD.

THANKS, POP.

YOU WERE RIGHT. I REMEMBERED.

[SNIFFLING]

YOU WON.

YOU NEVER TOOK ME OUT OF THE CONTEST?

NO.

I...

I DIDN'T FIRE YOU, EITHER.

DID WE BREAK UP?

OFFICIALLY?

OF COURSE.

I DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW THE RULES.

I HOPE NOT.

ME TOO.

DON'T STOP FOR US.

WE JUST WANTED TO WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS.

[CHUCKLING]

WE'RE HAVING PANCAKES

IN THE MORNING,

AND IT WOULD BE VERY NICE IF YOU WOULD JOIN US.

YEAH.

THANK YOU.

THAT'D BE GREAT.

HOT DOG AND A SODA, BOY.

THERE'S NOT MANY STATIONS

THAT PASS THROUGH THE TRAIN TWICE.

[LAUGHS]

TRY NOT TO MISS IT THIS TIME.

I WON'T, POP.

NOT THIS TIME.

[GROANS]

OKAY, BOYD...

YOU WIN.

FOUR HOURS OF FREE SHOPPING.

I'M DONATING IT TO CHARITY.

[CHUCKLES]

DAMN RIGHT YOU ARE.

EXCUSE ME.

GOT TO MAKE AN ANNOUNCEMENT.

UH, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

I'D LIKE TO MAKE AN ANNOUNCEMENT.

I WOULD LIKE TO INVITE ALL OF THE CONTESTANTS

AND THEIR FAMILIES

TO JOIN ME AND MY STAFF ABOARD THE Q.E. 2

FOR AN EVENING OF DINING, DANCING, MUSIC,

AND FUN!

[GASPING]

WOW...

BECAUSE AT THE GREAT AMERICAN STORE...

WE'RE ALL WINNERS.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYBODY!

WHOO-HOO!

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

[LAUGHING]

NOW, UH, BOYD...

LOU...

YOU'RE WELCOME TO JOIN US IF YOU WISH

AS, UH, PART OF THE FAMILY.

I'D LIKE THAT, MR. CROUCH.

I LOVE YOU, DADDY.

I LOVE YOU, TOO, HONEY.

OKAY, LET'S GO.

COME ON OVER.

YOU GUYS ARE GREAT.

GREAT NEIGHBORS.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

IT LOOKS BEAUTIFUL.

YEAH, IT DOES.