Original subtitles

Cos you were just like... I know, I get it.

-I love you. -Thank you.

Far, far ago, the ancients wrote upon the scrolls

that dark forces would sweep our realm,

until only Yonderland remained.

But they telled also of a saviour,

come from a distant world to save us from the shadows and stuff.

"Thank you for purchasing..."

a yada, yada, yada, yada...

Or you could do that, it's cheaper.

"In a weird voice chant 'font of...'"

Font of Oris!

Grant me the power of the all-seeing eye!

Excellent! One ruined monastery.

Left a bit.

-I'll do it! -No, I'll do it! Get your claws off.

Oooh, messy.

Thank you!

I baited the whole place with ogre musk. They tore it apart!

Fledded? Flud? Is it flud?

Shut up! I shall dispatch some bounty hunters

to tidy up any loose ends.

We don't need that scum, your darkness!

Ooh, yeah.

HE BREAKS WIND

I've got a degree.

Oh, termites!

'Ere, what you got?

This is a scarf.

Debbie gave it me, keeps your neck warm.

Why didn't I get a scarf?

Cos you don't have a neck.

Oh, yeah, bring that up!

Right, so, come on then, what's the big secret? Where we going?

It's a surprise!

I know that, but tell me anyway.

Oh, all right.

Well, once every thousand years...

Yeah?..all the trees in the Forest of Garvin...

Yeah?..in perfect unison...

Yes?

..yawn.

When this place gets an Imax, it's going to blow...your...minds!

Can't see that ending badly - for a stick.

HE GROANS

Is it OK?

Erm, well, put it this way, if anyone asks...

he was on camera!

I was not on camera, you was on camera!

No, you was on camera!

No, I'm not listening.

Tell me, did your mother smell of dead sea birds?

-What?! -Did she stink?

Have weight issues? Body hair?

Was she fat and ugly, your mother...who I presume is dead?

'And then, for some reason, he became angered.'

I know not how he sleeps at night.

SNORING

I mean clearly he's wrong in the head.

But this whole honesty thing won't have helped.

You just come across as rude.

How so, woman-clearly-nearing-40?

What do you mean 40?! I'm 33!

Apart from brothers Kevin, Carl, Robert and Colin.

And Jamaal.

This isn't surviving. You're dying.

Mm. All very sad. Anyway, about this yawning...

No, no, we can't just leave them. They need help.

Word will have reached the Elders.

They'll be planning a rescue as we speak.

Well, am I a vegetable then?!

No.

Then I must be a mineral!

No.

Oh, for the love of the Gods, it's been three hours!

OK, OK, let's just play a different game.

We have everything we need -

shelter...

a well, a toilet.

I thought that was the well.

And what about food? You're starving.

The truth sustains us.

And crisps.

where the moon lives under the water.

You mean... Atherley?

Atherley.

Yes, the birthplace of our founder.

Hang on, we can't just saunter down to Atherley with this lot...

They're wanted men. What if we're stopped, questioned?

So...are you monks?

Yes!

Do you know what? Just don't talk.

Going to be easier.

Here we go again.

No, it's a flutterbug.

No, it's a swivel chair.

No, it's a flutterbug.

I've got a name, you know!

It's Kieran.

SHE GASPS

Prayer beads.

The monks, they're alive. This way.

What monks are these then? -Seriously? -Hmm.

Well, don't just stand there.

Or do you want some bounty hunter to become Minion of the Month?!

Come on.

Tree!

-Correct. -Yes!

So the opposite of what we want.

Can we talk about this later please? I think we should! And the rest.

Right. Have any of you seen the following people-slash-creatures?

The Lizard Man of Corn Coppice? Hmm?

That's a no.

The Little Chefs?

Friends of yours, little man?

Er, yeah, cos we're all the same...

Careful!

What about...the Monks of Truth?

We are...

Estate agents! Aren't you?

Um...

Fair enough! All right, be on your way.

There you are - Atherley.

Atherley.

Where the moon lives under the water!

Last one to the temple is physically the slowest!

Have they gone?

I think so, yeah.

So, sorry, you were saying...

Oh, right, yeah - basically, it's a chain of roadside diners.

OK. Go on...

Yes. Know you of him?

Well, such truth and wisdom must have left an indelible...

What?

But he brought forth truth into a world of lies.

Karen! Table.

So, it was all just...

Lies.

I never thought I'd say this, but the truth hurts.

Yes! Exactly. Sometimes it does.

But now you see that, you've got a choice.

If the truth is going to hurt someone, why not...?

Quick! Hide!

Ah, get out the way, ah, move...

Mind it, lanky.

You don't look...local.

Quite the opposite. In fact, you look...distant.

Hang on...

Who are you?

Ay! She asked you a question.

Yeah.

We are...

Yes...

We are...

Yes?

Estate Agents!

Yes, Estate Agents!

Let's try the next village - they can't have got far.

Excuse me.

Four large drinks please, barman!

It's so nice to see you doing something you love.

Aw! Thanks chuchiface!

Oh careful, don't get tea on your suit.

Don't worry, I've got lots of suits.

So, what do we do with our lives, now the truth no longer binds us?